Secret Mum Club with Sophiena - The Secret WHAT Club??

Episode Date: May 7, 2026

A little listener has accidentally renamed the podcast and created a whole new type of “club” entirely. One mum gets in touch about her dad’s unconventional bedtime routine, which included a “naughty child boat”, and Soph receives a lovely message about Dottie asking to change schools. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, this is a secret mum club. I'm Safina. And I'm Emma. And welcome to your Thursday's episode. Where we get to squeeze in all the extra bits and bobs from the week. Squeeze all your bits, honey. All of your comments, sorts, questions and fun stories. Keep you going through the weekend.

Shall we jump ony? It's time for another. Corresponders' Corner. Did you watch Last One Laughing where they had to do that? Yes. It was a fucking funniest thing I've ever seen. Last One Laughing is the funniest shit. ever fucking watched in my whole entire life.

It is, hands down, the best fucking television. I can't get enough of it. It's brilliant. Diane Morgan doing that. She, I was, I thought she was going to win it. I really thought she was going to win. I loved it when she went because she was so steely and then, pooh, p, poth.

Anyhow, sorry, we got way late. So, Emma, do you want to roll us in with our first correspondence corner? Okay, this says, hello, Sop and Emma. Hello. I was listening to the episode where Emma mentioned threatening to send Jojo to young offenders or jail. And it unlocked a memory I'd completely forgotten about. My brother and I grew up right beside the Manchester Ship Canal with our single dad, who I don't think always knew how to handle our behaviour.

We used to watch the boats going past from our bedroom window, and one day he told us that naughty children who stayed up too late got sent away on those boats. I knew that we're coming. I totally blank this out until you mentioned it on the pod and it all came rushing. That's a trauma response. I totally blanked this out until you mentioned it on the pod and it all came rushing back. Maybe I need to bring back the naughty child boat for my own children to help with bedtime. Totally joking. Thanks, Jess from Manchester. I think it's absolutely genius. I wouldn't even joke.

Bring the boat back, I say. Bring back the boats. Bring back the boats. I mean, if it worked with you, I say, go forth and conquer. I was saying to my mom and dad the other day about things that you say to your children that you never thought you would say, but that you say in like moments of desperation. And I catch myself saying so many things that I'm like, why am I saying this? But I'm just like so desperate for them to do something. Like I've started doing that thing where I make them scared of Stefan. And I'm like, you shouldn't be more scared of your dad than your mom. What do you mean you make him scared?

If I'm desperate for like Joseph to go to bed, I'll start threatening like, I'm going to phone daddy. And he's like, oh, like don't tell other people about my bad behavior basically. So he'll be like, you're not going to tell nanny and granddad are you? And I'll be like, yeah. So I'm like, what? But also, like, why should Stefan hold more power in this situation? than me. I'm like, you should just listen to your mother. But I've started going, I'm on phone daddy and tell him about this.

And he's like, I'm like, why is that a threat? If I said back to mine, they go, what the fuck is he going to do? Yeah. Oh, actually, nothing but hopefully you'll reassure my brain. Chris is so laid back that they're like, yeah, he'll be on my side and what? Chris is so chill. They're going to go, uh, yeah, I'm what? Yeah.

But do you find yourself saying things like that you're like, that you're like, I never thought I'd say this with my kids. And now I'm pulling out these absolute whoppers. Like things my mom and dad used to say to me. I'm phone in Chris because... No, pointless. It's about as helpful as chocolate fire guard, bless us are. He'll go, oh, yeah, you're okay then.

Yeah, you can do that. Bless his time. It's when he, the only... When I say to him, they've come out to ask you because I said no. Yeah. And they go out and say, Dad. And now he goes... Mom said, can I do it?

He goes, yeah. Go and ask your mum. She's already said no. And then he says, well, that's the answer then. And they know. They know if they keep on it in, he'll go, all right, but just don't tell you, man. Yeah. He's so soft.

So soft, didn't he? It's never nothing bad. It'll just be... No. Can we play our iPads? No, you've been on them for six hours. No, go out to Chris. Oh, they said you said they could.

What? And you believed them? Gosh. He just can't say no. They don't sit on them for six hours. Look, until the weekend. And getting. Until a Saturday and a Sunday.

And a Monday. And then just Wednesday through Friday. I say you've got to do what you've got to do to get through. Look, there's nothing wrong with a little threat. I think they should be a little bit scared of some things. There needs to be consequences. So he's threatening with prison and his dad. My dad, a former police officer, was like,

Emma, you should stop making out that, like, law and order is a bad thing. He was like, when he used to walk down the street and, like, parents would say to their children, oh no, no, a policeman's coming. He's going to get you. He said they used to intervene and go, no, look, we really need to, we really need to bust this bad image. He was like, we're here to help you. Don't make your children scared of us. I would like to agree with that.

But unfortunately, the police aren't always the greatest. Said to him, look, Dad, some people have had bad experiences. It really terrifies me. It really terrifies me because you want to say to the children like, oh, ask a policeman. But, you know, sometimes I'm scared to ask the policeman. I'm scared at the police. Yeah. When they're behind me in a car, I tell you, squeaky bummer.

Squeaky bummer. I start thinking in my head, when did I get my road tax? Have I MOTED it? Is it fully on a service? Do I have a flat tire? Did I just pull out without indicating? Have I got my fog lights on? Am I over the speed limit?

Why do we do that? It gives me absolute fucking... Nothing shits you up more than a police car pulling out behind you. And then when he blues and twos and you think, fuck! They get the blues and twos on and you think, I'm going to get in,

sometimes I just pull over and think, it's me, it's me! Oh my God, I'm so sorry, I'm going to go past and I'm like... They drive past, not. Not us today. That's for someone else. Good. Not asked today, Jill.

Have a nice day officer. See you never. Why do we all do it? This is a power. It's the power of the police. He starts telling me wants to be a police officer now, though. What? Oh, Joseph.

Oh. Yeah. Don't do that. Very unsociable hours. My dad was never at home. Oh. Look, nothing around with a little threat. Jess.

I respect that from your dad. I respect that from your dad. Okay. If you can bring the boat back and let us know how it goes. Yeah. Problem is you just have to live next to a canal. Probably what. Which is quite, um...

Well, I live near water. It's quite niche, isn't it? Well, Southampton's water based, isn't it? You could say, I'll take down to the docks. Getting on a boat tonight and you never coming back. Okay. I'm fucking scared. You've just said that to me.

See, it's powerful. The docks are fucking scary. Let me tell you that. You wouldn't want to be down them in the dead of the night. No way. The docks are fucking terrifying. I don't even like driving past them during the day. Oh, there's too many containers.

I just would get lost in them. Or someone would ship me off in a container. Yeah. I need just to watch too many crime films. You've been watching too much. The cleaning lady. The cleaning lady. Have you seen that on Netflix?

Probably not. It's four seasons. If you're in it, there's a lot of content. container shipwork stuff that goes on and I'm just... Scalar containers. I'm also claustrophobic. I'm claustrophobic, Darren.

I am claustrophobic, Darren. Okay, ready? Thanks, Jess. Oh, thank you, Jess. Okay. Yeah, trying to speak me on. I just want to give Jess a bit of thanks there. Moving on.

Hi, lovely ladies. Hello. I was just listening to your episode where you spoke about Dottie and her school situation and I felt really compelled to reach out. Before my final two years at school, I had a very similar experience. I remember sitting in the car with my mum

and telling her I thought I needed to change schools. She was shocked, but she also knew I'd been struggling with friendships and school in general. From my perspective, it was never about blaming the school or anyone else. It was simply about how I felt walking through the gates each day. I wasn't happy there. And eventually that became the most important thing. Hearing Dotty say she wants to change schools really stood out to me

because that takes such a huge amount of courage, especially at her age. I remember thinking about it for such a long time before I finally said it out loud. Like Dotty, I was also someone who made friends easily outside of school, but for some reason school itself just never felt like the right fit for me socially. Changing schools ended up being one of the best decisions I've ever made. It gave me a fresh start and helped me feel comfortable and confident again. It also taught me a lot about myself and what I value in friendships. I completely understand your worries about the transition and whether people might ask questions. I had those fears too, but honestly,

people moved on very quickly. Within a few days, nobody really cared anymore. And at Dotty's age, it's probably even less likely to stick. From everything you shared, Dotty sounds like someone who can make friends wherever she goes. If she can do that outside of school, she can absolutely do it at a new one too. Wishing you and Dotty all the very best, Caitlin from Sydney, Australia. Oh, that's beautiful, isn't it? How lovely. That is so lovely. To hear it on the other side as well. Yeah. To hear it on the other side, it is lovely. It's just a hard one, isn't it? I want to give her all the respect and all the world. And it's, I feel like it's so huge to say that. It's so huge to say, do you know what? I think I've just done here. Um, obviously, like,

I will update in our, in our main episode with, because we've got some updates with Dotty's school situation. It's just a process, isn't it? It's a process. It's a long process you have to go through. It's not something can be change overnight. Like I've said to Dottie, we have to go through the process of moving schools. We can't just change it overnight. And some days it is a little bit hard. Some days it's one day she wants to move the next day she doesn't. So we kind of just have to wait until the opportunity is there for us to move schools. And I think address it when the place becomes available. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But it is a tough one. It does make me feel And it's hard again because like I was saying before is I'm putting them both into the same schools thinking the school is just going to work for both children.

No, that's no different. It just may not be the case. And that's okay because even though me, Roxanne and Ritchie were at the same secondary school, the school worked great for Roxanne and Ritchie but was fucking shit for me. Didn't do me nothing. I took nothing from school. But that's down to me. That's nothing on the school. It just wasn't.

It just wasn't my place. Which is why. I think I was placed in a different secondary school from Roxanne and Ritchie at the start. So they went to the same secondary school and then I was at a different secondary school. Is that the one you got expelled from? Yeah. But do you think if you hadn't been expelled, you would have got on better there? Or did you just take school in general?

I don't, I think I would have got on better at the other school. But my mum was too angry and didn't want me staying there. And obviously I was expelled. So I left there and went to the other school. But I think I would have gotten better in that school. Yeah. Rather than move him. Yeah.

You never really think about that, do you? Because the only problem is I spent my whole life being a twin compared to Ritchie. So then when I went to secondary school, I would even more so compared to Ritchie as to why was an eye as cleverer as Ritchie? Why was I talking too much? Why did I not pick up things as good as Roxanne? Why was I not in top set maths, English and science? Why is your sister like that? Why is your sister?

And it just, it was too much comparison with all into high life. Yeah. But yeah, if I'd stay somewhere else. I was like my own person. Because growing up, being a twin, I absolutely adore Richie. And I wouldn't be anything without Richie. But it was being that I'd went through infant school and in junior school, I spent so much time just being Richie's sister.

Or we were just the twins. That's all we were growing up. So then when I went to secondary school, no one knew that I had a twin brother. No one knew I had an older sister. You're just your own person. Yeah. I was free bowling. Yeah.

I was fucking wild. Yeah. I was wild out in the trenches. Probably why I got expelled, to be honest. But, you know. I do love that. I do love the, I do love when it's a positive story. Yeah.

Yeah. Thanks, Caitlin, so much. Appreciate you. And thank you for your messages. If you have any comments, thoughts or funny stories, why not get in touch? You can email us hello at secretmumpod.com or with Secret MumPod on TikTok and Instagram. Next is time for one of your secrets. Welcome back.

We love a secret on the Secret Mum Club. And you're all so good at sharing. What have you got for us today, Emma? Okay, this comes from Joe from Fairham. Shit, the bed, Joe's up the road. Joe says, hey, beautiful ladies. Hey, honey. I've been listening since day one

and I've recently been catching up after falling behind while having my second baby. Oh, congratulations. Our son, Renly, with a W. Oh! Who arrived six weeks early on Christmas Day. We wanted a Christmas Day, baby. Annie's a little Renner's too.

Oh, so he was meant to be like a February, but he was born on Christmas Day. Every time I hear you both say, and we'll see you next time on the Secret Mum Club. At the end of the episodes, it takes me right back to where my daughter used to wander in and out of the room while I listened. When she was around two years old,

she started joining in with you both at the end, except she would shout at the top of her lungs, Secret Come Club! Did she change it to the Secret Come Club? What? That's definitely a club. We're all a part of. Is it?

Well, we've all been in the cum club, haven't we? Haven't we? Haven't we? I don't want to be part of the secret. Babies. We're in the part of a cum club. Surely? What?

We're all nothing without. We're all nothing without. I don't want to be in the secret cum club. The secret makes it seem like a bit sordid and dirty. Do you know what I mean? Like you've got a... Like you love it, but you can't tell anything. I'm also watching something else really wild and I don't know why this has popped to my head.

Virgin Island? No. Oh, okay. I don't know what I'm thinking. That is fucking nuts. Where's that on? Channel 4. No, I'm watching man.

It's on ITVX. Man life, life man. Man. I don't know. I don't know what it's. Is it about cum? Well, there's come in it. It's about two boys.

But one of them isn't very great with the ladies and one is great with the ladies. And then he brings a girl home and he makes her have sex with his non, the, the shire boy. and there's come everywhere. She's like, you didn't come and me! That's on ITV? X. Bloody hell.

Does the X mean X rated? Maybe. Jesus. No, it's like BBC Eye player. Yeah, I know what it is. It's up there with saltburn. What was it? Oh, yeah.

You didn't like that, did you? I, no. That one was up there. But it's from the makers of baby reindeer. Oh, that was good. It's on every Friday. Wow. I want to say it's maybe after hours, 9 p.m. 1.

Virgin Island came on when I was sitting with my parents last night. Where's Virgin Island? Immediately. It's about a load of virgins they get on an island to make them more experienced at sex. But literally in the opening scene, this woman was like, can you point to my outer labia? I don't even know what my outer labia is. I was like, I don't think even I could do that. And this poor boy was like, any poised to it?

She went, no. What's your outer leg? Then they're all learning how to use dildos on each other. I was like, off, off, off. This is not. Is it real life? Yeah. It's a reality show.

Fuck all. Yeah. Anywho, we digressed on the cum club. Sorry, we digress. I hope this gives you a laugh because it still absolutely kills me now and she's four years old. Thank you for such an amazing podcast. Joe. I can't believe.

Thank you. We went on from a little renters on Christmas Day to all part of the cum club, talking about our labias, outside labias. Secret cum club. Have we got inside labias as well then? Inner labia, outer labia. How many have we got to? Have you ever been for a Brazilian wax or a Hollywood? Yes, but she doesn't say, oh, here I go, or your inner labia.

But they wax the labia, don't they? I don't know, because I don't know what the labia is. It just means the lips, right? It's just the flappy bits. Will you join us in the Secret Cum Club or the Labia Club? Then let us know. Email us hello at secret mumpod.com or with Secret Mumpod on TikTok and Instagram. And we're back, back, back on Tuesday.

First thing. And we'll have more of your messages on our next Thursday. episode. We'll see you next time on the Secret Come Club!