The Frank Skinner Show - Frank Skinner’s Radio Days: Family Changing Room

Episode Date: May 9, 2026

Frank, Emily and Alun are still in 2013 for our radio best bits. This time there’s chat about the Northampton Clown, having lessons in stuff, Jelly Babies, drunk wasps and taking group photos at weddings. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

What's going about having lessons in stuff? Yeah, and I think once I fixed the old swimming front crawl, I'll just do purely front crawl, but then I might go on to cookery classes. You know, you say I am a higher swimming go-getter. If you get one that are near to a canal. I could do that. No, I couldn't do that. I don't know if I'd like swimming outdoors in the wetland.

Does this count? I've just paid for lessons for my... child. No. Okay. Okay. I take him. To do what? To do this swimming? To swim. That doesn't count. I took him yesterday and there's only one of the dad in the group

and basically Bos is my child. He didn't like it yesterday. He cried quite a lot and everybody was giving me that oh. Oh yeah. Oh goodness sake. It's like me on the plane when they cry. Yeah. But anyway I went in into the men's dress

changing rooms. And there's a place, it says family changing area. So I went in there and there was some clothes hanging up and I thought, okay, so I'll hang mine up in there. And then it was me and the other dad ended up in there changing our babies. And it was a bit cramped in there. And after, he didn't, he never spoke to me at all with two men in a small room with their babies. He never spoke. And then he says, he's American. I guess this place isn't really designed for two people, is it?

Yeah. Oh. And I said... I can't... I can't must have up. This is my room now. No, what I thought he meant, me being something of a naive from the halfway line.

Yeah. It's that I thought he was commenting on the design of the room. So I said, anyway, I said it, but we're doing pretty well, though. I thought he was as well. What did he mean? But after, I don't think he was... I think what he meant was, why are you in here? We cleaned of the sunny room for one and I was here first.

Yeah, I think that's exactly what he made. Yeah, and that would suggest is... So next week, Kat says, look, you know, I think Bosn sometimes picks up your... Because you're still a bit uncertain in the water after years of, you know, being terrified. Oh, he picks up the fear. He picks up on that. So next week, I'll go with him. And I said, I think that's a really good idea.

And I think it would be better for Boss, and he'd be more relaxed and he probably might learn quicker. But I don't want to not go into that little room with that man. in case you thinks he's won the territory. I said, so why do I go and get him changed? And then I'll hand him over to you. So that's my plan at the moment. Is that crazy? Well...

I think it might look a tad aggressive, darling. I don't want it to... I don't want it to me. I was the friendly naive. Do you remember that? I was the naive, not the aggressor. I written I could do that with such delicacy. I don't even touch the F.

I was the naive. In that situation. We've also had a texting about your changing room, swimming pool, anxiety, let's call it. My experience in the family changing room. Yeah, yeah, the family changing room. 519, Janet has texted in. Frank, you're hilarious. It's one family at a time in this family changing.

Hold it one family at a time. Why? Normally we don't read praise, but I feel like you need the spoon for the sugar here. Frank, you're hilarious. One family at a time in the family-changing rooms. Not some kind of communal family-changing. Janet in Edinburgh, I have two children to know about these sort of things. Do you know, you owe that American a very big apology.

Yeah, you need to go in there. And I'm not talking about George Bush. Give him a slice of humble pie and make it a large. Apple pie. So you're telling me that a man was getting changed with his child in a private cubicle. And another man came in. Yeah, in what he thought was his cubicle.

and you wandered in there and just, it's a bit like last week when I was describing me using the Urival. But Janet is. It might not be right. It's like a box in the loop and you suddenly walked in. Yeah. And went, it's cozy in here, isn't. And then Emily said it's not for the design to. Well, it's open, though, are we?

No, but it wasn't the ladies. I mean, it was, it was, um, it was a men's changing rooms. It was in there. It's one family at time, Frank. But what does that mean exactly? I think it means. His family were in there and then you wandered in with yours. But it said family changing room.

His family and your family on a Venn diagram, it's not meant to overlap. If you see your experience in the pool changing room the other day, there was an overlap, wasn't there? If you go into a changing room in a shop, I wouldn't say it's changing room. That means that person in there, it's their changing room. It doesn't mean you can't open the curtains.

What, you can't go into that. No, I wouldn't do that. He said family change room. Although it's a pluraly kind of a word. Yeah. I'd like, if anyone's got, we're nearly done now, but if anyone could verify this, because Janet, I think Janet might have made a mistake.

You want a second opinion? I would like a second opinion. I might be glad of it, because the police could be around my house at any moment. Yeah, it might discharges. And we're going to sash here back to email corner. Oh, yeah. Do you want the music?

Yeah. Okay, we go. Ready? I enjoyed that What about this? I thought I've just found a whole batch of jingles I forgot I had Wonderful

I'm still really looking for that poor man in the changing room Next time I'll go in, I'll do this All right, all right Imagine I'm going back to his wife And this guy, I mean, you wouldn't leave. Can you believe this guy? I was in the family dressing changing rooms, and this guy comes in?

Oh, no. I think he was strong out. Yeah. You might just think that's the British way that family changing rooms are communal here. You might get away with it. Yeah. I still think that.

He didn't say a family changing room. On the lady's toilet, it doesn't say a lady's toilet. It says ladies. No, but... Bad news, Frank, we've just had a text from 503 saying, Janet is right, you fool. Oh, no, right.

This is the best thing that ever happened. Oh, no. It's like in films when they get in their car and there's someone already in there. That happened to me the other day. You're sure! A woman came out of a pub and climbed into the back of her car. Oh, yes, she did.

Look, you might have to lie to your wife, but don't ever lie to me. Always lie to me. Oh, I got into your car. Yeah, she, I had parked up outside this rough pubbing lead, and she walked out and just opened the back door and then looked. She sort of put one foot into the car. She just got into the back.

This isn't, this isn't, and I can't remember the name. And then she sort of got back out and I went, yeah, I'm just parking. I'm not a taxi. What's the name? Fennie Nice. I think it was something like, this isn't Janet's car. Maybe it's the same Janet. So I think she thought he was being collected by someone.

happens a lot. I know someone in fashion who did that. There was a car waiting outside a house and she opened the door, got in the back and went, the back of my car, and he went, I'm just barking my car, live here. It does happen a lot. I'm so glad I'm on trend. You know what happened with Marky Smith, of course. Yeah, of course. He got into, I think it was badly drawn boys. Oh, no. And he actually drove him home and he didn't like to say. And, of course, the fabulous ending to the story is he found his false teeth in the car.

Oh, God. Two days late. This is from Mr. Sipson, who calls himself Josh. I'm sorry, I'm being distracted because of the endless emails coming in, saying it's called Family Changing Room to let you know it's got more space for you and your kids, not for random strangers to join you and your family. That's Sarah in Perth. Even in Perth, they know how to behave.

I don't know if that's Perth, Scotland. No, I know. I was with my child. I wasn't just in there with him and his... Yeah, there's definitely a rule about that. Yeah. You can't just go in there. Just you.

Maybe I should have just handed my child over the top and say, change that, will you? That'd be good. Can I just say... As if it was a Bureau de Chage? You have one apologist. Ben in Loughborough says, I've never thought that the family changing room was one family at a time. I've never had any complaints.

There you go. Ben, thank you very much. Thank you very much. People. No, all. Oh, I must have made me feel. bit tingly around the shoulders. I've made a terrible...

I'm loving it. Some sort of a fopar. Can we return to Mr Sipson? Yes. Dear Frank Emily and Alan, I work at a school in a class of 22 6-year-olds. Last Friday, we experienced the wrath of a swarm of angry drunk

wasps whilst working in our school woods. School woods! Yeah, sounds like my kind of school I went to. Within seconds, we were each covered with dozens of wasps. 13 of the... children being stung several times, along with me and the teacher being stung as well. Can I just stop there? Mr. Simpson, and me and the teacher. So he's not the teacher.

Oh, good point, actually. I think he might be an assistant. Yeah, you're right. He couldn't possibly be the man in the white coat who used to come into the classroom with the telly and help the teacher to operate the VHS recorder. That's all he did. Like the VHS recorder was like the TARDIS, some really complicated. But used to be a man coming, not in a lab coat, to operate the VHS report. Press play. Oh, I think he did a bit of tracking.

I hope Mr Simpson is that man. Oh, it's so right, sir. Okay. Anyway, we were forced to set up a makeshift hospital in the safety of the classroom. It's like a mash. Little Mash, but we're still being attacked. To me, that is proof that wasps are pure evil

and obviously do go on drunken rampages. If you read this out, could you please tell Cherry Class how brave they were and how proud of them the whole school are? Oh, Cherry Class. Named after Cherry Gillespie, the Pans people dancer. No, well done, Cherry Class. And, mate, I say you've lived up to your name, because like the Cherry, whilst being soft and sweet on the outside,

you prove you have a hard and... Toff Interior, and that one day when that's planted in soil, it'll grow up into a beautiful tree-bearing more fruit. To, I sent out for fish and chips this week. What? To a fish and chip, a restaurant rather than the... Oh, did you? It's always an odd thing, isn't it?

On the great level of eating out, there's things that posh restaurants do, you know, well. And there's things that they don't do as well as very, very cheap, rubbish restaurants. Like fish and chips being an obvious example. If you get fish and chips at the I.E.V., which is like one of the top restaurants in London, they're not going to be as nice as fish and chips at that chip shop around the corner, which is amazing, really. Tea is another thing.

Yeah. Yeah. Anyway, so we sent out. And I don't know, I looked at the, there's a great range of prices of the fish on the menu. So, like, Hallibut was about four quid more than cod. Right? Are you with me? Yeah, I'm with you.

And I thought, there's a conic. Because fish, I would say basically fish tastes like fish. Right. Every fish. All tastes the same, you mean? They taste like fish, don't there? There is a fish taste that every fish taste like. Yeah.

So the whole idea of dressing up that some are more expensive than others. We're going to use the word fish a bit more. I don't think you said fish quite enough. I can say a fish, can't. You certainly can. You certainly can. You have to pay fish from Merillian every time you do it. Okay, fair enough.

It's a con, that's like saying we're going to sell some potatoes the same size. Some of them are four quins. What a coin is this so-called fish is? It is, though. I'm eating quite a lot of fish just lately. Oh, lovely. It's a bit of a... I thought I'd try it out.

Oh, yeah. and I've even gone, something I've never done in my life, I've gone, you know, they go off-piece, I've gone off fillet, I've actually gone to the, you know, the boned fish. Yeah. Horrible experience. Unbelievable hard work, it's in a bone. Why did you do that?

No, but I like that because you eat a bit less. Right, yeah. You do, but, you know, fish is not, it doesn't taste nice enough to warrant that kind of work. It's that sort of, It's like, if you can imagine eating papy and mashay out of a sewing kit. Mm-hmm. It's like that. So you're eating someone that's not that nice with the occasional terrible pain

sometimes sticking in you. Or the thing, you know that you get a bone in your, you're chewing fish, and you get a bone in your mouth. Oh, I hate that. I've got a bone in my mouth. But then you can't find it in your mouth. Yeah. You can lose something in your own mouth.

And you think, there's definitely, because I felt it just for a second. Oh, those little needle ones, Frank. But no, it's gone. Well, nearly killed the Queen Mother, of course. Of course, that could have been an assassination attack. We'll never know that. So many rumours about the Royals. Thank.

But, yeah, it's a dangerous business, fish. I am damned if I'm going to pay more for one than I have for another one, they all taste the same. Do you eat the batter? Oh, God, I eat the batter. Oh, I'd happily just have the batter. Oh, well, they'll sell you that in some fish and ship shops. They'll sell you just bits. Yeah, bits they'll sell you, but they won't sell you like...

You know, you know, they get the big batter on it? They won't say that like a lovely... I love it. I love it with... I love it with... I love it. I'd be like a lovely lion-skin rug, wouldn't it? Be the equivalent of a lion-skin rug.

Sort of fish-skin rug that you've took the fish out of. Nice. And then you can have it sprawled out. Some of the batter is so big, Frank. It's like a big shoe. Isn't it? That's why you can have it as a rug at home. In communities across Canada,

hourly Amazon employees earn an average of over 24. $0.50 an hour. Employees also have the opportunity to grow their skills and their paycheck by enrolling in free skills training programs for in-demand fields like software development and information technology. Learn more at aboutamazon.ca. I was walking down the high street. Now, I was walking through Camden Town. Oh, get you.

And a man came up to me and said, cheer up and went on and I always think it's quite it's happened to me a few times I always think of saying my parents have died yeah

which I'm not put a date on it obviously but just because I think it's very courageous to say to someone cheer up because they could have had all sorts of terrible news he didn't say it might never happen No, he didn't say that.

No, that would have upset me. Yeah. Because, let's face it, it might never happen. Are you talking about my role in Doctor Who? And also, someone did it to me once, and I said, look, if I went around with a broad grin on my face, people would say, I've saw Frank Skinner, I think he's mentally. So where do you?

People don't walk around. and smiling, do they? What can you do about it? I just think it's... I mean, I think the bloat was sort of being a bit, you know... Yeah. A bit... You and me old sound, a bit friendly.

But it's... I wouldn't dare, do he? I've seen two different people crying in the street over the last two weeks. Did you use it at all? Did you think, oh, do that cheer-up trick? No, I didn't. Well, I'd like to know one of our readers have had people say to them in the street.

Just a stranger saying something like that. I mean, it's a bit different with me, I suppose, because people might recognise me. I know all over the nation now, listening, people are going, no, I don't think they would. But yeah, but that's brave. Cheer up. I've had one last week, but previously,

and I think I may have told you this before, but I'm not sure. A mate of mine was juggling in a park. I can juggle three balls, and he was showing me a particular trick, right? So as he's showing me, I think maybe I dropped. That drama school three years, Not wise.

So I dropped this ball at the exact. It was Easter weekend. I remember it very vividly. And two people walked past who were holding bibles. And as I dropped the ball, one of them went, The Lord won't drop you like you dropped that ball. And then walked off. That was, which is a very rare time being zinged

and having the Lord promoted in the same sentence. It's quite a nice thing to say that, wasn't it? Well, I don't know. It felt a bit like they were going, you're rubbish at juggling and we're religious. No, but they were saying that you were going to be forgiven for being rubbish at juggling. Can I say?

I respect what opportunists they are as well. I mean, it was pretty quick thinking. In life, Flynn. Yeah? Unless they've only got that one line and they've just been waiting all their life to use it. They just horned jugglers hanging around for that moment to go down.

What else could have been the explanation? Unless they are really thick. Quick thinking. You're right. Yeah. It's probably that. I know what you're thinking. If they're religious, they can't possibly be quick thinking. Am I right? You're thinking exactly that. How would I even... Get out. I couldn't do that.

And then last week, I was on a bike ride with some other chaps. Oh, what chaps are you? What number holiday was this? This was not... Holiday number two. Okay. Who are these chaps? He's on this bike ride with it? I think he means that's leather chaps, what the homosexuals were. I mean, they're not ideal.

They're not an idea for bike riding. My, um... I must that. Quite the reverse. My mate, Noel, is a mammal. You know, the middle-aged men in Lycra, the media of double-de-designed. I'm glad you explained that. My mate Norm is a mammal.

That did confuse me. He's a mammal. Oh, okay. They call them. You know, these sort of... Mid-aged men in Lycra. ...that are into cycling, and they all talk about climbs. Oh, there's a climb around the car.

It's a brilliant climb. That's what they do. Cyclists, they talk about lifestyle. You keep saying that, but isn't that you? No. Well, I might be becoming one, gradually. They all defended Lance Armstrong. I did, I did, and I feel a fool now.

But anyway, we were on this bike ride. I've defended worse people. Only this morning. Only this morning, but that's another story. And then, come on stop. We can't talk about your off of defenses of media. No, anyway. So we're on this bike ride, and Porta Palencia where we were is like a mecca for cyclists.

They love it there because it's hilly and all the bike shops are really good. Blah, blah, blah. So we're on, there's five of us, all in Lycra in a line. Oh, lovely. And eventually a car goes past, and a guy shouts some Spanish out, which I think was mockery. I think it was like, yeah, you know, you idiots or bikes, whatever. But I didn't understand it, A, because he was passing in a speeding vehicle,

and B, it was in Spanish. And I thought, this is the best way to be heckled. A Spanish heckel. On earth is in a foreign language. If only hecklers in comedy clubs, I just, I don't feel, I don't feel zinged. at all. I don't feel hurt. I don't feel wounded. I just feel curious as to what he was saying.

It might have been a nice thing. There was something about his manner that made me think it wasn't. But you're right. He might have been going, squeeze your toes, lads. Follow the bike in front and you'll do really well. That's how I cycle. He might have said follow the bear in Spanish. Maybe. He might have been saying,

there's a cog in that wheel as we are all cogs in God's wheel. That's the Spanish branch. the Spanish improvisation, as they're called. Much nice than the Inquisition. We've had some responses to the question what have passes by, said to you. Glenn Bateman,

a homeless man once came up to me and a friend on the street and offered to kill someone for us for 30 pounds. 30 pounds? That's a bargain. I know. Yeah, and what happened next? Wouldn't you be thinking? Is there anyone?

I mean, hold on, give me a minute. Or would you be thinking, what's the actual going rate? How much is this? I have no idea what they charge. If there's any hit men listing, please don't text in. I think it's about 8,000 to 10,000 pounds. Okay, right. Thomas Parker, a stranger once said,

a hooy to me and then walked off. Yeah, but was he on board ship at the time? It was a passing ship. Well, exactly. I kind of like that, ahoy. Is that what you said to a passing ship? You say a hoi? Yeah.

It might have been sailors on shore leave, and I wish I'd have been there in that case. Because they were up all night to get lucky, I've heard. Yeah, you might as in their hornpipe. Horn. They're very good dancers, sailors. Paul Cusick, I think it's... I don't know how you pronounce that, but it's...

Let's listen, come make a big deal out of him. I've texted saying, My daughter, Jessica, when she was about five years old, was holding a mum's hand. Yes. Jessica? That's Frank's... That's brilliant, isn't it?

Is that Franks? Yeah. No, it's Faggna. He had that the other day in the street. What's his wife called, Paul Kuzik? Betty. I think he's ooh Betty. It's like U-Thant.

Remember U-Sant? Come on, weed the thing out. My daughter, Jessica, when she was about five years old, was holding her mum's hand while waiting to cross at a pedestrian crossing. She turned to an old man who was standing on the other side, looked him up and down and shouted at the top of her voice, Wake up! He jumped as he was startled.

Jessica then announced, that's better. Ah, the funny things they say. Children. Yeah. Yeah. Right. Here's another thing. I've really got into jelly babies just lately.

Oh, God. You know, I was out, and I felt a bit poorly. And, you know, when you feel a bit poorly, that often there's a sort of medicinal food that comes to mind of me, something you want, they think will help you. I know it's usually, Lucaside, but on this occasion, I just need some jelly babies.

Something I haven't done, probably since the 90s. And I bought some, and I don't know if they've got better, or if I'd forgot how good they were. By the way, if you manufacture jelly babies, don't send me any off. I've got my own money.

You can't really say you'll smash them up like you do about other stuff that might get sent. I won't leave them until they form one hard lump. I'll smash them up. I won't work for about a month, but I'll smash up the jelly babies eventually. What I'll do is I'll let them go hard, and then I'll drop them on the way out of wine. Like when James Bond used to drop spiky things out of the back of your DB5.

And that'd be good. So I offered a packet, not a packet, but I offered a jelly baby to a friend of mine. And he started sorting. He started sort of delving in there. Routing around. And came out with a nice dark red one, obviously the best. Obviously. Now, is that all right to do that?

Well. Because everyone knows. I mean, it's one of the great mysteries of confectionery. Yeah. Why any green or yellow sweets are ever made. Orange. Yes. I'm not sure.

Green or yellow. Forget about it. Nobody likes those best. They're only there, I think. In the way that there are some less exciting. passages in Milton's Paradise Lost to make the really good stuff sound even better. That's why the green and yellow

is there. You know, you've got to have light and dark. But to actually go in, upfront that fact, something that, you know, we don't really talk about it in polite company about the green and yellow taboo. And to come out with a dark red. You want your blacks, your dark reds, your purples,

orange to absolute push. You're not pal. But to go in. To go in and actively take one of the hierarchy. The Holy Grail suite. Would you do that? Well, can we establish circumstances? Was it a family grab bag?

Or was it a tort? You know what I mean? The tort tube suite, that's unacceptable. When you say the family grab bag, do you mean my auntie Elsie? Because, you know, those Christmas parties, but I mean, there were no rules to them at all. I think if you're delving, it's okay because it's a big family pack. I agree with you about the tube. What you can't do is move some out the way, domino style.

Yes. You can't do that. I just, I think it's part of the randomness of life. There's a reason why those sweets, you know, what is it, Haribot random, round trees, randoms. Yeah. I think that's a way of saying, don't choose here. It's like chaos theory.

The point is that you just, you know, you're trusting to lock. If you remember last week when we weren't here but we were here in recorded form, I said I was going to go to a wedding on the Saturday. I was accompanied by Emily Dean. I'll say accompanied. We were out in the same room. We made our own ways there. We were at the same wedding. We barely spoke all day. Awkward.

No. I thought it was in a way. It was beautiful. Had conjugal the night before. You promised. You did promise. Yeah. Oh, I promised all right.

Actually, I think he said conjugal. You met Madrigal, think? Oh, did I? Okay. Yeah, we did a bit of medieval chant. Oh, nice. The night before. You know, it reminded me, I had Johnny Cash interviewed once. He was talking about his friendship with Bob Dylan,

and they said, are you very close? He said, we're so close. We once went fishing, and we didn't speak to each other for four hours. And at the time, I thought, thought, that doesn't sound all that close. I've had car journeys like that with women all over the world. But I realised

that day, we just knew we were there, the warm glow. Every and then and again, we'd look across, and I could see Emily deep in conversation with someone. So I knew she was all right, and it was smashing. Oh, yeah. Well, you had responsibility. I did. My

child was the ring bearer. Oh. It was the... It was very, it was a good comedy moment. It was. Because he asked for it back, didn't it? Yeah, he handed over the ring and then he wanted it back. And usually with the baby you'll give in.

But obviously the brides could be stubborn. It could be stubborn with the ring thing. Rachel was good, she was quite firm. She said, no, I'm keeping this. Yes. Good. No, let's hope she never gets to say that again. So it was a, it was a non-religious ceremony.

Now, I know what you're thinking, from the way the cockerel looked at me then you must have been furious he was thinking To be honest I broke into a big grin Yes But no it wasn't like that Don't you think for one second after every vow I was going whatever really loudly

Internally maybe No I'll tell you what you were doing was tuning up your ukuley For your big performance That's true I was tuning up my ukulele I've heard some terms for open years No it was I'm fine I think non-religious people should have non-religious ceremonies That makes sense

I'm all for that. All good. And they can keep their hands off Christmas as well, which is also one of ours, as indeed is at OMG. Lie off that. And as a Catholic, I think we can claim self-harming. Surely?

Oh God, we were doing that. Before these kids knew what was going on. You can have guilt as well? I better throw away that hair shirt. I had it already brought in winter. You call it guilt? I call it conscience. Anyway, it was lovely, wasn't it?

Oh, it was a lovely wedding. It was really lovely, and it all went well. And, well, I say it all went well. There was one thing that really annoyed me. What was that? I had to get the baby to sleep. And to do so, I had to walk about two miles, pushing him in a boggy to get him.

I know, I've got a confession to make. I took a picture of you doing so. Did you? Because it was something quite touching about it, and almost Pucketian. You were wandering off over Hill and Dale. I was like a mile from the actual ceremony pushing this thing. Did it work?

It did work. And then whatever happened to, when you're in a photograph, people say, okay, say cheese. And then everyone says cheese. Oh, is that gone? We got into the big mass photograph, and the photographer, I've got the baby there in the boggy asleep, and he says, I want everyone to give me the loudest cheer they can.

So they all went, whew, and of course the baby woke up. Now, what you get, if everyone cheers, is one of those pictures you get in the local paper, when a school has raised nearly 80 pounds for sport relief and you get like 80 kids doing the big cheer that's not what you want from a wedding photo you want smiling surely you want warmth my problem with group photos is there's just not enough of me in them

yes do you know what I mean and I always I always get some looks when I turn around to everyone there in a very I've been photographed many times kind of way and say if you can see the camera the camera can see you And they all, you can see them going, but, you know, they do, they look for the camera. They don't want to be educated. That's what happened with the hotel.

Oh, you were in a lovely hotel, weren't you? I was in a B&B, and Emily was in a deluxe. A Jacobyan Manor. Really? Were you there going, how the other half-loop? Yeah. Well, no, but I made a bit of a mistake because I booked the Jacobean Manor. It was the only one in the district, which is why I booked it.

And then I discovered it was where the bride and groom was staying. Is that bad? Yes. They're coming back with the rose petals on the bed, me and a bathrobe. Only me. It's not very romantic, is it? So I thought, well, look, I'll be discreet. Blend in?

Yeah. You know what I'm like about being discreet. I didn't want to tread on their toe. So you're just laying rose petals like that girl from American Beauty? I demanded the bridal suite. You know, I'm sorry. I did try and hit a lift back with them in the wedding car and I asked someone, I said, do you think that's unreasonable?

We're all going to the same place. I'll be no trouble, I'll go in the boot. It's an interesting point out, though. Why not? It's not a religious ceremony. Oh, Hank. I don't know if that's religious thing. I was listening to, I listened to the show last week, though, because I was in the Jacobean Manor, ordered room service.

I thought, I wonder what it all sound like, I'll put it on. So I put the show on. It's quite enjoying it. And then the lady knocked on the door with the room service, and my voice was booming around the room. I said, oh, it's my radio show just listening to it. And she went, shall I just put these here, then? That was awful, Frank.

I was trying to boast that I was a celebrity. She wasn't interested. I listened to the show as well. Obviously, I'm usually, it's difficult to listen to when it's happening simultaneously. Yeah. Loved it. Um. It is something I've discovered.

I've always sorted myself as something of a romantic. But as you get older, that can fade a little. And in the goodie bag, the children's goody bag, and I don't need to think I was ferreting around in the children's goodie bags at the wedding, but I did manage to procure a couple of packets of love hearts. Oh. And I ate them both.

And I realised, with about two love hearts to go, I had not read one of them. I've stopped reading. Love hearts. Now that is, that's a sign that your romance factor has gone down a bit, isn't he? Didn't even, so what, I thought. You think that's just a bit of your brain that you don't need to be even considering anymore? It's gone. What, romance? Yeah. Is that what you're saying?

I think you could, I think you can be in a long-term relationship and still have a certain amount of romance. No, you can't. I look at Michael Douglas and Catherine's... Oh, no. Guys, I already... The Obama's have a day at night, don't they? They have... a date nights where they go for a date. They just ain't dates.

Yeah, I'd like to say that. Oh, I don't know if I want another one. Come on. Edith, you said you did 30. You only did 22. Frank, I've told you this morning. That's how she talks. Did you know that?

There's nothing like that. I told you this morning what troubles me a little bit about long-term relationships is you basically have children and then watch box sets for the rest of your life. All you do is watch box sets together. I'm looking forward to the box-sets face. That's all couples do. Oh, did you see this? Did you see that?

Yes. Any couples listening? We know it's true. I mean, why fight it? This is William 362. There's no point using the 362 if you're going to reveal your name's William. I like it. It's a bit like William Wales.

Dear Mr Radio, Divine Miss Em and the Cockerel. Morning. Where stand you on the Northampton Clown? Wow. Oh, the Northampton Clown. I'm glad you've raised this. In case you don't know the Northampton clown, it's a man. We think it's a man, anyway, it might not be a sparse-bass.

Who appears in full clown outfit. It's very standard clown-cheek. Yeah, I think it's supposedly it's based on a Stephen King clown character, isn't it? But anyway, it's a clown who appears in Northampton, often in like the early hours of the morning, unaccompanied. Yeah. And it's been frightening people. I say it. Well, it's from the Stephen King story, It.

And the clown's called Pennywise. That's right. Alan's a big fan of that character. Oh, I'm all over that. I just wonder how much you spent on the costume. Tartan Wansy? He sure isn't, that's not a shop. That penny-wise really should be a shop. It's got to be. He's got the comedy go-time. This is not going to turn out to be an advert for a shop, is it, the whole-hout-in clown?

That would be a real... When he's let himself down the clown, he's got the clown chic, but he's let himself down on the footwear. He's got a converse... No. No, he hasn't gone for an oversized shoe. Oh, well, if he's listening, I've got some clown shoes in my office. But how often, can I say, how often do you see a fine, fancy dress outfit let down by footwear?

Yes. You know what I mean? You'll see someone and, oh, look that lovely monk outfit. Trainers? December. Oh, Santa's in Reeboks. When people, they try to finish off a cowboy outfit, would just a pair of lace-up shoes.

What about a ghost outfit with a minicab driver's lip-on? I can't abide that But is this person definitely a clown Or have they just not rub their moisturiser in? Because there are mornings I look in the mirror And I think, you know, I really do need to have another go at that I need to go of full pat makeup

I'm pallid Is he got your hair? He's got the scarlet sideburns Oh, those things, yeah, the side... And the slightly Botoxy eyebrows One thing I liked is Alan Moore The comic writer who lives in Northampton,

has had to publicly state that it's not him. And he's got a massive beard, Alan Moore, so he maybe he could have gone away with that, I don't know. He has been quoted this character. He said, I just wanted to amuse people. Yeah, he's done an interview with that. You two say that every week at 11 o'clock. It's interesting, though, because if there was no internet,

Like, pre-internet, if I'd have been walking to the pub, say, you know, or say I was walking back from the pub one night and I'd seen a clown. The next night I'd go in the pub and say, I was walking back last night. I saw a clown that looked like that Stephen King character, Pennywise, just on his own in the dark alley. And someone had said,

what's around? Anyway, who's around? That would be the end of that conversation. But with the internet, It's become a major sensation. It has. Well, one woman said, you've been spotted, now get out of that clown suit

and start acting like a grown-up. Yeah, I must admit, women have said that to me. Half the years. And, you know, it's really hard to get it bedroom-wise. Yeah. After you've had that kind of reprimand.

That's your clown name. Yeah. It's cold, Frank's Christmas, radio days, I don't know days as a stupor. A me days as in a same, Instacart makes you're not doing the shopping yourself

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