ZM's Fletch, Vaughan & Hayley - FVM Deep Dive- Part One

Episode Date: December 20, 2020

FVM deep dive into all the topics they want to, cause it's their podcast.See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.

ZM's Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. That's us. Grab a barista made coffee at the Macca's drive-thru. ZM. Head music. Lives here. Fletch, Vaughan and Megan. The podcast. Now how is this going to work, Vaughan? Well, this is a podcast that will take the place of the Ordinary Show podcast whilst we are vacationing. But not as many. Let's not make too many. No, no, this won't be daily. We don't know exactly how many yet. That will be decided at the end

by how they're split up. But the Deep Dive series is where we take a deep dive into a specific topic rather than a current event, which we do mostly on the show. Current events, things that are happening, personal stories.

And this will impress you with no research at all. No. We will do this from our own knowledge on the subjects. That's what we do every day. Yes. Executive Internania, you've compiled a list of topics for the deep dive. Where did you get these?

Where were you inspired from? Megan, I think you have to put your microphone in front of her face. I was just padding for time there as I thought, surely Megan will be sitting closest to her. She'll realise that she doesn't have a microphone. I was like, why is she giving me the eye? She's really giving me the eye. Yeah, those are my inviting eyes.

Oh. Yeah, sexy. So these have come from largely the Fletch Warner Megan Facebook page. So that's the inspiration. Okay. Now, to set the scene, Megan, we're at your house. Yeah. Which is on your lovely, comfortable couch.

Thanks. This is very comfortable. Don't miss. We've got a wee cheese platter, which is almost gone. But don't miss on the couch, please. Because I'm drinking a slow gin, which is red, reddish and tinge. And I'm worried I'm going to spill that on the couch. A slow gin?

It's S-L-O-E. Oh. God, let's hope there's not a deep dive into slow gin. I was like, it doesn't get you drunk as fast? It's lower in alcohol, so no. It was made, isn't it distilled by famous Richard, all-black Richard Slow? Yes.

The eye-gouging guy? Yes, it is, yeah. Yeah, no, well, it's good to see he's moved away from, you know, the bursty old days of rugby union. It is. All right, Executive Intern Anya, what is our first topic to deep dive into? That's again, Megan, where you would put the mic over towards Anya for her to reply.

Why toothpaste always comes out in perfect stripes. Oh! You mean like if you buy the toothpaste that's got like blue, red and white? And it does. It's got, surely it's got individualised walls. Are people romanticising the start of the toothpaste tube and forgetting what it looks like at the end? Because I couldn't tell you what it looks like at the other end. Does it go mushy at the end after you've tried to get all the toothpaste out?

Yeah, when you start chasing it halfway up the tube. I personally think that's when it starts getting a little bit mushy and when it's not. Also, I haven't had a striped toothpaste for years. Yeah. We need one in hand because now I just want to, like, turn the tube around in my hand and see if it affects it. Yeah.

What have you Googled? Yeah, so it turns out I was right, I believe. The trick to the stripes lies in the top of the tube What have you googled? Yeah, so it turns out I was right, I believe. The trick to the stripes lies in the top of the tube, whose sloping neck contains coloured gel. No! When the tube is squeezed, the white paste flows towards the open neck of the tube and on its way pushes against the sloping part. So you're saying if you were to cross-section it,

yeah, that's just how I imagined it. It's got sort of an internal guttering system on the side, which contains a red and a blue, and predominantly the white, maybe the bottom half would be nothing but white toothpaste. Yes, it's nothing but white. That's why I was thinking at the end of a striped tube of toothpaste, I can remember it being either really mushy mixed colours, sort of like a purpley, or just predominantly white.

Amazing, but who knew? Who cared? Who cared enough to be like, oh, do you know what? It's really going to sell some toothpaste. There's some stripes. Didn't all the different colours do different things though,

supposedly? One fought ta-ta. Ta-ta. One, I think it was red always waged war on ta-ta. But blue left a minty... Was it blue that focused on breath?

Freshness. And red on ta-ta. And white was just clean your teeth. Just spill it. It was just powdered, watered down, dry clothes washing powder that had been powdered up. Good for your teeth. Yeah, bit of baking soda in there too. Did I break the rules there for the deep dive gurgling there?

Yeah. Because otherwise I feel like we would have been a bit fucked if I hadn't done that just then. To be completely honest. Yeah, I just would have said that we will buy into the opening of the toothpaste, but don't stick around for the end. Yeah. Yeah, nah. Okay. So going forward, are we googling these answers?

When you were young, did your parents have a toothpaste that they used and the kids had another toothpaste? Yes. Yes. They had the fancy spence of whitening. And did you have Aim with the screw-on lid? Yes. Yes. They had the fancy spence of whitening. And did you have Aim with the screw-on lid? Yes. Yes. Aim.

And you just left the lid off because you're like, oh, CPF. Yeah, but then mum would be like, you make sure you use that grubby little plug that's dried in the end. You'd squeeze it and it'd go. I don't think my mum ever said to me, use that grubby little plug. She'd be like, and it'll all be the same when it's in your mouth and you've got some water on it. And you could chase it around your mouth,

this like half-hard pebble of toothpaste is like shooting around under the tongue. You're like, get off my tongue. And it's up in the gum. I'd love to put our mums to the test to see who's the ultimate tight-ass boomer because I think Christine might win. Christine, you had to save some money. No, I was just talking to Vaughn about mum's Fisher & Piper washing machine from the, no, the dryer from the 80s. Oh, you had to save some money. No, I was just talking to Vaughn about Mum's Fisher and Piker washing machine from the, no, the dryer from the

80s. Oh, okay. It's a fire hazard, but she won't get rid of it. Mum and Dad just retired their chest freezer that they got when they were married and also last week they celebrated their, or in November, they celebrated their 43rd wedding anniversary. Wow. So that was a chest freezer that did the

yards. God, if you let the lid slam. I even got a hiding as a kid for letting the lid slam on the chest freezer. I think they were just, to be honest, it was probably the straw that broke the camel's back.

There's probably a long list of offences with my name on it that particular day and that was the one that pushed them over the edge. Yeah. All right, let's deep dive into our next topic.

Executive intern Anya, what's next on the list? Why do we eat pizza from the inside out? Because it's the shallower end. It's the easier to cut. When you cut it straight across,

when you cut it straight across, it goes into wedge formation and you can't hold the other end, so the crust is not only the handle, but it's also the wider end. But sometimes I eat it sideways

because the crust, if there's a big gap between. But nobody eats it sideways. No, but hear me out. Nobody. Hear me out. So if there's a big gap between, you know how sometimes I don't go to the edges and there's a big crust? So if you eat it sideways, you still get some of the topping and the crust.

You don't get stuck with all the crust. Yeah, okay, okay. So you're saying you're biting, so you're taking the dry barren land but a bit of the fertile pizza and when it gets into your mouth it moolies up and

it's all tasty. Because otherwise you're left with a dry crust and I don't want to waste the crust. No, I just throw that pizza back at

Domino's and tell them to put the flavourings to the fucking edge. I didn't pay for a seven inch pizza or a whole lot of dough, I paid for a nine

inch pizza. Run the sauce right to the edge. I wouldn't have it at Dominoinch pizza and a whole lot of dough. I paid for a nine-inch pizza. Run the sauce right to the edge. It wouldn't happen at Domino's, though, because they've got that machine that scans your pizza to make sure it's up to the high, high standards that Domino's holds their pizza to. I feel like you ain't facetious. When you're paying $5, when you're paying $4.99 for a pizza on a Tuesday, that computer's obviously set to only the highest standard showing their pass.

Absolutely. I feel like Fletch doesn't eat his crust. No, I never do. Never. It's so wasteful. Unless it's one of those bougie ooh-la-la pizzas where you don't get a very big pizza. And I'm hungry, so I just eat it.

It's like a handmade pizza. Yeah, where the crust is part of it. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, I think we sufficiently dived into that. Because it's the thinner end, and you can get it in your mouth easier.

Well, you can't get the... And you're holding the other end. Yeah. Yeah, that's, I'd say, where you want pizza from. Okay, I think we've answered that. The crust is the handle. Next on the agenda,

Executive Intern Anya. That's okay. Sexy and unsexy names. Oh, like names of people. Oh, that's quite horrible, isn't it? But I'll start. Gareth. Gary.

Oh, we have a Gary at work. Oh, well. Any of the names you could imagine your dad's mates having probably aren't sexy. Now, before we had a producer, Jared, you were quite vocal. Did you hear us? More so J-A-R-R-O-D. Gerod. Gerod.

But I call you Gerod for fun. J-A-R-E-D. But since producer Jared started, you've been very quiet of your hatred. The J-A-R-E-Ds have been working their way into my heart. Did you ever hear us talking about, not hatred, talking about the name Jared? I didn't, but I did see stuff pop up in the

podcast fan Facebook and I was like, I probably won't press into that one. It's a horrible name. It looks like carrot a little bit. When it's written

J-A-R-R-O-D always reminds me of carrot. Because apart from the first and last letter it's exactly the same word. The guy I wanted to be my first boyfriend was a Jared. A Jared?

Yeah. Okay. So I obviously thought it was sexy when I was five. Yeah. You wanted a boyfriend called Jared when you were five? Yeah. Remember I invited him over for a petite tea party? That's right.

Right. Yeah. How's he now? He's married with someone quite good looking. Well, that's not what I was intending. Oh, he's married to someone good looking. Yeah. Oh, that's good.

I'm glad he's found a speech. Jared's sorted. Keith? Keith Urban? Oh, yeah. He's not enough to drag the rest up from the doldrums. Yeah, I'm just thinking. Keith Quinn?

What other Keiths do we know? Not exactly who I'd rub one out to Megan Back in the day though Come on Be fair I would have been a John McBeth man I think Didn't I just say him? John McBeth over a Keith Quinn

If you're rubbing one out to a boomer commentator Yep absolutely Grant Fox probably would have got one, to be honest. But he was a player back when I was a young lad. Stewie? Stewart? Stewart. Stewart, yep.

Not necessarily a sexy name. Brendan Talfa, that's who you'd rub one out to. What? Yeah, because he commentated the hockey. Yes, at the netball. And he always did a great job when it came round to the Olympics and the Commonwealth Games. Brendan Telford really stood up and he said, I'll give it a pass.

And he did. You know, I can imagine. If I was 10 years older, I probably would have touched myself to Brendan Telford. Both of you. Listen to yourself. He did a great job commentating the netball. He did. He always did. What, he did a great job commentating the netball. He did.

He always did. He always put it in. What does Brandon Telfer look like? I haven't seen the Telfer for years. No, neither. I still hear his voice

every now and then doing voiceover. T-L-F-E-R. Yeah. T-L-F-E-R. Give us a geese. Give us a geese. This feels very inappropriate.

Your internet's very slow. Are you on the fibre here? It's because we've got all this gear dragging it down. No, Jared said he's not using his internet at all.

There he is. What a stunning man. Oh no, he looks like a lovely man that doesn't need this awful sexualisation. Beautiful man. Look, he's in a bow tie there.

No harm intended. I told you, beautiful man. He's probably my favourite television commentator of all time. Yeah. Yeah, no, Brendan. I's probably my favourite television commentator of all time. Yeah. Brendan.

I don't feel overly comfortable commenting on women's unsexy names. What about sexy names then? Crystal. Chase. No, I just don't feel we can just go through everybody's names. It's just... No, just like... It's not very nice.

I'm just thinking of all the hot actors like Chase, Chase Crawford, Channing, Brad. Chase is also a shitbag's name too. I'd imagine if your name you could chase, you're really rolling the dice on whether or not they're going to be a real shitbag. I think alternative spellings can either make names trashy or hot, depending on if the person's hot. Really, isn't it? I mean, a lot of this depends on if the person's hot. What?

Thorn. Thorn. Remember Thorn? Oh, yeah, Thorn at the New Zealand Defence Force. It's a good name. It's a good name. Attractive. Thorn.

Yeah, I don't know. If you want to go too far down that. There's cute names. Then there's those names that sound like you're just making a noise, like boon. Yep. Boon. Yep. There was a woman at the gym who went, when she dropped something today, and I thought

she was talking to me. I was like, ah? What? Yep. Right here. All right. What's next on the deep dive topic? Jesus, Megan.

Christ. Is it possible for Wolverine to get circumcised? Oh, I'll take this one quite happily. You need to explain. I really understand. Wolverine is a mutant played by, in the movies most commonly, you probably know Hugh Jackman played Wolverine for a very long time. Wolverine's mutant power was regenerative healing.

Oh, so it would actually be possible. He could heal himself. No, but wouldn't that mean that you'd still take the foreskin off and then the cut would heal? Would it? I don't know. Oh, that's a good point. Ryan Reynolds plays Deadpool. He can regenerate body parts.

So like if he lost an arm, he would regenerate a body part. So, I would say impossible to circumcise Deadpool. Okay. Juries out on Wolverine. Wolverine has very sharp adamantium claws. He could circumcise himself if he was injured. Just over and over. Yeah.

Depending on the mood. Yeah, you answered that too quickly. That's very concerning. Yeah, I feel like you've thought about it before. Yeah, I have. I've given it a fair amount of thought. I always think, like, in the movies when he got hurt and it would heal, I'd say, well, would it heal perfectly?

And at what age did the healing start? Because technically aging is the degeneration of the body. It wouldn't heal perfectly. There'd be scar tissue each time, right? No, apparently not. Well, you've seen Hugh Jackman. He's a beautiful man. Right, yeah.

But there's our thoughts on Wolverine and circumcision. Was it a deep enough dive into that? Are we happy to leave that there? It was a shallow pull. Next up. Maybe we should call this

a shallow to deep dive. Okay. Manage expectations. A brief thought on. A brief thought on. Okay. Alright, fair. Where are single people over 40 meant to find people to date?

The warehouse. The warehouse? And Bunnings and... Over 40, they've done their job with the warehouse. Stephen's Gift Centre. Stephen's, yes. You can find them mostly inside farmer's department stores. When there's a sale on. When you find people to date, Fletch, you fall into this category. Farmers. As Megan just said. I's years. You can find them mostly inside farmer's department stores. When there's a sale on.

When you find people to date, Fletch, you fall into this category. Farmers. Farmers. I knew it. The warehouse. Always at the warehouse. Or anywhere that sells an array of things. Yes. A department store that sells a bit of everything. Must be shit though because you're like, I'm going to go to the club,

stuff it, and then you get there and there's like these tiny little children. Oh, who would want to go to the club stuff it and then you get there and there's like these tiny little children oh who would want to go to the no you just wouldn't 35 but where would you go i don't know we are still here we are still here unusual silence where do you go i don't know i don't know oh you mean flesh yeah what based at i guess you would. You'd just go app-based, yeah. Well, that takes the pissing and farting out of it.

No one's picking up. Well, not at your gym because you go to a yuck one. I don't go to a yuck one. You do. I go to one of the world's largest franchises. No, it's a yuck gym. But which one do you go to? I go to Teatitude.

Oh, yeah, okay. Nobody's going there to pick up. Not that one up there. Which way are you pointing? I don't want to shame the franchise. The mall one. The mall one? No, don't go to the mall one.

Oh, yeah. That's not for me. I tried, but I didn't buy. Okay, so no, I wouldn't. Oh, yeah. That's not for me. I tried, but I didn't buy. Okay, so, no, I wouldn't. Oh, God. The gem. It would be my worst nightmare to have to start dealing with this. To have to start thinking about where to look for somebody.

A lovely market at the weekend. Oh, an artisan craft market? Yeah, maybe. Are we talking like a Matakana farmer's market? Yeah, a coatsville market or something like that. Yeah, I'd prefer a farmer's market, I think, because you could probably pick yourself up some asparagus. Yeah.

Especially this time of year. Well, why don't we role play? Megan, you run an asparagus store at the market and you're single. Okay. And Vaughan, you're also single, but you're buying asparagus. Wait, is he hitting on me? I thought she was going to be running the asparagus thing and we were going to be like a couple of gays looking for a third.

No, no, no. No, just meeting up. Just meeting up. Meeting up. Right. Okay, so we don't know each other. We're two singles. Oh, right.

Okay, but we're at Megan's asparagus store. Yes. Does she sell anything else because I don't like asparagus? I wouldn't be at that store. It's called a spapararagus

because then that works in her last name, Pappas. Oh, yeah. A spaparagus. Oh, right, okay. No, but you can just be looking being like, oh, yeah, asparagus. Okay, well, I'll be looking. Oh, yeah. A-spap-a-perigus. Oh, right, okay. A-spap-a-perigus. No, but you can just be looking and be like, oh, yeah, asparagus. Okay, well, I'll be looking.

Oh, hi, ma'am. Hi. Do you have anything else that's not asparagus? Well, no, but we've got, like, different varieties. There's a purple asparagus. Excuse me, have you tried the white asparagus? Oh, hello, sir. Hello.

Have you tried white asparagus? I didn't see you there. It grows. White asparagus grows in the dark. Did you know that? I had no idea. It grows. White asparagus grows in the dark. Did you know that? I had no idea. It grows without light. Green asparagus, of course, it grows.

It uses light. Right. But white asparagus, they grow it in light-proof tubs. What about purple? Oh, sorry. Am I interrupting something? Excuse me. We're having a conversation here.

I don't. I flirt with the man about the white asparagus. I only just met this man. I don't know his name. I don't think it's fitting I talk about my purple asparagus. Tell me more about your purple asparagus. Come with me. Say done.

Why is it purple? Are we actually talking about the asparagus? No, I was talking about my penis, I thought. I actually thought there was a branch of purple asparagus. I think there is, but I thought he was talking about his penis too. I'm pretty familiar with white and green. Maybe I made purple up. I had no idea about white either.

But why is your penis purple and why would that attract him? Yeah, why do you have a purple dick? It's not 100% purple, but it's got purple features. Right. Now I feel like you're actually talking about your dick and not your fictional one. This is my fictional over 40 single gay man dick. Right, okay. And that's a deep dive.

So that answers the question, how do you meet if you're over 40? It's at an asparagus store and an artisan market with another gay man. Yeah. That should also work for heterosexuals. I think it does. I think it does. I think it does. If they could get off their ass and go to the bloody farmer's markets. Executive Internania, what's next?

Why is it called a building if it's already built? Are you being, all right, granddad, you've got a Christmas cracker, have you? Who asked that stupid question? There's that guy on TikTok that asks those things in the mirror. Oh, do you guys not like TikTok? You're running me through what this guy does. It's this thing the kids are doing.

I'm doing it with TikTok because my daughter's looking at my phone and then I open it up and because they watch all bloody Dixie D'Amelio. What's her name? Charlie D'Amelio. Yeah. And the other D'Amelio. And they're always doing the dancing. And then I open up TikTok and it looks like I've been looking at 16-year-olds doing dancing in crop tops.

Cancelled. But the best part about it is they also look up the stuff on my wife's phone, so if she's like, what are you looking at? I can be like, open up your fucking TikTok as well, and see what your algorithm is. Yeah, let's see what you've been looking at. And we're both algorithmed into a corner. Yeah, right. So that's my excuse anyway

and I'll stick to it. Building. Oh, I don't know. That's really fucked up. Building when it's already built. Building. Why don't you call it a built then?

Next. It's a case of a verb also being a noun, right? Next. How do snails plan their day? Ever since you talked about that snail chasing us around the world. You could have $10 million, but a snail will be following you. If it ever touches you, you die.

How do snails plan their day? I don't know if snails have the capability to plan their day like a human would. I don't know if they have the brain capable of it. Do they have big brains or little brains? They have tiny, primal wiring. It would just be like, eat as best you can. If it gets a bit hot, pop in your shell. Stay in the shade.

Yeah. Drink lots of water. Do they drink water? They eat the leaves that have the water in them that keep them hydrated. Stay hydrated because you're pretty slimy and if you dry out, you're fucked. Don't eat those little blitz and pellets. I don't think they know that. Yet, I don't think they've learned that.

They always forget. Was it eat the blitz and pellets or don't eat the blitz and pellets? Fuck, what was it? Mum did say something because she was drying out and slime was in. Oh, my God. That's the saddest thing. And bubbles were coming out of her eye holes. What was it?

What was it? What did that slut say to us that time? Stay away from the salt or do the salt? Oh, God, I can't remember. Oh, it was stay away from the salt, eat the Blitzen pellet. It's like goldfish. They say they've got very short memories. Do they?

And they're very tiny. So surely a snail's got nothing. Oh, okay, Darwin over here is deducting our species are unconnected. No, if you're tiny, you don't have a memory. Their brains must be small. No, that doesn't work. Ants are smaller, yet they can, they memorise, they walk somewhere, they walk straight back. What, the times table?

They know exactly what you're doing. They know where you are. Bees are really smart as well. They're tiny. Bees are crazy smart. And they're smaller than a snail. Ants know how to get, because they left a trail. A chemtrail.

And then there's animals that are huge and have got no... Elephants. Brain. Like people that voted New Conservatives. That's... A big animal with a small brain. Okay, fair point, that. Fair point.

So, in passing To recap Who? Snails Don't plan their day Don't plan their day They just try their best Not to eat the blitz and pellets But they've got very poor willpower

What are each of you world class at? Babe? Nothing Andrew, what are my world class at? Babe? Nothing. Andrew, what am I world class at? Oh, don't ask him. That makes it sound sexual. Hey, babe.

Hey, babe. If you were a dude and you said that to your wife, we'd all be like, that is horrible. Hey, babe. Why don't you tell everyone what I'm world class at? It just doesn't sound as weird when you're not saying it about yourself. That's worse than the Brendan Talfa thing. Oh, way worse. Way worse. Brendan Talfa started listening again. He's worse than the Brendan Telford thing. Oh, way worse. Way worse. Brendan Telford started listening again.

He's like, I've heard I'm off the hook. World class, that. Oh, fucking nothing. I don't know. Yeah, that's depressing. Picking up gay dudes at asparagus stalls at an artist's market. I wouldn't say there's anybody better. You're pretty good at that.

Yeah. Well, 100% so far. Oh, Christmas rapping. Oh. You're pretty good at that. Yeah, well, 100% so far. Oh, Christmas wrapping. Oh, you're pretty good at that. Oh, you are very good at wrapping. You are pretty good at that. I don't mind tooting my own horn there. Yeah, yeah.

Right, your turn. No, I've just made, I've got by with just being average. Well, the world class of being average. Yeah, world class of being average. That's amazing in itself, really. Yeah, under-promising and just delivering. I'm world class at starting like a task and then realising

halfway through that task, there's another task that I need to start, so I'll start that and then I'll do that maybe 50 times and then be like, oh shit, and go back to the original task and then just keep in that cycle of half doing things until I've done it all. Yeah. And it can take years. That's what I'd say I'm world class at.

Yeah. Just being distracted. Okay. Are we happy with that? Was that a deep enough dive? I think that was, yeah, that was good. That was sufficient. Does your stomach think all potatoes are mashed?

No, because I swallowed them whole. And you shelve a couple of babies. I shelve a Jersey Benny just. I shelve a jersey, Benny, just to keep my digestive system on its toes. Every time I see

the little diggers at the supermarket now I'm going to think of your arsehole. Pop one of those up there, that's not a mission impossible.

Tell you what. No, they don't all think they're mad. I bit off more than I could chew one year with a kumara adventure

and that thing was. You thought you were okay until it swiftly turned right. Very much. Yeah, no, that wasn't coming out, was it? You joke, but I had a friend who was a radiologist who's definitely seen Akumara inserted. Really? Oh, yes.

What part of radiologist school do they bring that on the students? Yeah, that would be a good day. Like the second day or after O-Week? I think it would be pretty early on. Because you have to know what you're getting yourself into. I mean, there's been eels.

There's been cases in the media over the years. Too many cases of eels. Where are they getting? I haven't seen an eel for years. Apart from at the Auckland Zoo. And I don't think I'd be reaching into that tank to get one out to go to the nearest toilet to shove it up my arse. Those things are fucking huge.

I have not seen a baby eel. What is this deep dive about? Potatoes. Your stomach. If your stomach thinks all potatoes are mashed. Nah, because a good mashed potato you can almost slurp. And what about like chippies, crisps? They go in

still fairly crispy. Yeah, sometimes you'll swallow one and you'll just feel it scratch your insides. Yeah, that's not, your stomach's not confusing that. Your stomach's like, god damn I wish you'd chew more. You fucking glutton. But no, I don't think so. I don't think the stomach would identify

all potatoes as mashed. Okay, I think't think so. I don't think the stomach would identify it. Or potatoes is mashed. Okay, I think we've sufficiently deep-dived that. What is the worst thing to wear on a first date? A Nazi outfit. You want to wait until the second date, because then at least you'll know if they're a Nazi. But wouldn't you want to know they're a Nazi on the first date? No, that's when you find out if they're a Nazi. But wouldn't you want to know they're a Nazi on the first date?

No, well, that's what you find out if they're a Nazi. Oh, right, okay. And that's when you get to choose if you want another date with them, you've got your snazzy Nazi outfit to give. I don't think anything can beat that. But it's a real roll of the dice to wear a Nazi outfit on the first date. I was going to say white in case you spilled something. Yeah.

But your Nazi trumps that. The Nazis never did a white uniform. No. No, you're right. I don't know why. What did you wear to the artisanal market that time you picked up a dude? Dungarees. Okay.

No shirt underneath. Oh, yeah. Okay. Yeah. Just with a hairy chest? Hairy chest. Yeah, good. Straw hat.

Probably why the man at the asparagus store was so taken by my knowledge and my quaint way of speaking. Wouldn't the clips of the dungarees be very close to your nips? They were on the nips. Oh, okay. They were on the nips. That's the way you like it though, isn't it? Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

At the start of the day, it's a colder experience. And the end of the day, if you've been out in the sun, in that harsh sun that often curses a farmer's market, those dungaree buttons can get a little hot. It's a bit like a seatbelt. Yeah, exactly. You might be leaning forward and talking, and then when you lean back and the button goes back onto the nipple, that can be a fright.

That can be a fright and a half. Luckily, that lovely man offered to rub some lotion on my slightly tender nipples, and, well, the rest, as they say some lotion on my slightly tender nipples. And, well, the rest, as they say, is history. Is history, yeah. Okay. Fantastic. Next question, Executive Intern Anya. What fictional character is the hottest?

Oh, I feel like Vaughn will have an answer for this quite quickly. Aladdin! Sorry. No, that's a good call. Aladdin. Yeah. Jasmine's pretty hot. Aladdin. Yeah. Yeah. Jasmine's pretty hot too. Yeah.

If you're sticking with your animated Disney. But then fictional doesn't always mean animated, doesn't it? It could be anybody. Oh, yeah, right. Anybody. Like James Bond. Oh, yeah. I'd say James Bond's a bit of a hot, a bit of a dish.

I'll tell you who underrated and probably deserves praise for not only his good looks, but also his never quit attitude. James from James and the Giant Peach. He had a bunch of bad luck. When you think about what he was faced. The fact that he was in a gigantic peach. And how quickly he adapted to a giant

caterpillar. That would take me months. And he's just like, look, this is the hand I've been dealt. This is the hand I've been dealt. And I actually think his resilience made him quite a sexy character. His aunties, of course, they were evil. They were squashed by the peach. But I tell you what, the rest

of that cast of misfits, those insect misfits, they really took care of James and helped him blossom into the young sex symbol That we all saw him become at the end of that book Good on you James What about for you Carl? Oh no

Oh Megan's patting her stupid dog Okay I'm going to pat this dog Is it true you once masturbated to Donald Duck? Okay, I'm going to pet the dog. Yep. Is it true you once masturbated to Donald Duck? You just wanted to make the voice, didn't you? No, I was thinking more of, I was just trying to think of a sort of an angry character. Let's just do all the voices that you can do. And he doesn't wear pants.

I thought that might have got you going in your experimental teenage years. Oh, my God, this duck's not wearing pants. I just need some alone time. This humanised duck is really getting me going. I think that's adequately. I'll let in James from Jones and the Giant Peach and Donald Duck. Why is there a D in fridge but not refrigerator? That's so weird.

Refrigerator. English. English. Enough said. English. Why is mutton looks nothing like sheep, does it? What? Like sheep meat shouldn't be called mutton.

It should be called sheep. Sheepin. Sheep. Sheep. Sheepin. Sheep meat. But beef also doesn't look like cow. And it may be the same as because one was grabbed from a different language.

Was it? Mutton is French. Oh, I thought we were talking about French. And so is veal. Veal is like, instead of saying calf meat, veal is the French word. Beef is the French word for that animal. So because there was that big, during the formation of modern English, there was this big bougie, oh, French looks good.

So maybe the same there. Maybe what somebody called a refrigerator, like the Spanish might have called alfridge. And so they were like, oh, we'll just go with fridge. I don't know, this is all made up. It sounds really plausible. It could be legit. That's what I'm going to tell people from now on.

Fridge is Spanish and refrigerator is English. El Fridge-o. And we just borrowed that word from another language. It makes sense. It really does. That does. Right. Final question in part one is, who is the best kisser out of the three of you?

We don't know that, do we? Have you two ever kissed? No, no, no. Why, have you two ever kissed? No, I feel like, for some reason, I feel like that could have happened. Why would that have happened? I don't know. Hey, don't say it like that.

Don't say it like that could have been the worst. Don't say it like I could have been the worst person you've kissed. Oh, how would that have happened? I'm insulted. I'm angry. So I'm not Fletch. I feel like Fletch is just in too much of a hurry. Have you?

Yeah, you'd be like... Next bit. Next bit. Next bit. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Quick, take your pants off while I'm doing this. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. This is very, this is defamation. Well, you have to prove that it's not true.

Does that get me to the next level? Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, late Pac-Man. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. Eat the cherry, chase the ghost. Nom, nom, nom, nom, nom. I think you change how you kiss with who you're with, right? Is that a fair call? How many people are you kissing? Have you changed your kisses?

Oh, you mean like your relationships over the years? Yeah. I had a girlfriend who was very tongue-heavy, so I assumed that's what she liked. Was she your Christian girlfriend? No. No. No. Okay.

It was one of my breaks from Christianity. Okay, right. In the middle. So I just assume that's what she liked. I always kind of take instruction from who I'm getting kissed by. I'm like a blank slate every time. And then I'll adapt. I'm very adaptable.

Right, okay. I'll become the kisser that I can tell that person wants. Or what they're giving me, I'll adapt. I'm very adaptable. Right, okay. I'll become the kisser that I can tell that person wants or what they give me I get back. No, but if they were coming in with heaps

of tongue then you're just going to meet it's just going to be like a slug fest. No, because then your tongue becomes nimble and you move around

their tongue with your tongue. Oh, right. If they hit me on the tongue this is my assumption you get what you want. Like you give what you want to get.

Right? Right. Okay. You know what I'm saying? Well, no, but then because then you'd both be heavy on the tongue. Yeah, no, no, but that's what I'm saying is that then the tongue, they have to learn the samba. They have to learn the forbidden dance.

I'm just putting it out there. That was always my technique. You kind of adapted to it. But then if I ever came up against another blank slate, what would you do? What would happen? We'd just put our mouths together and just wait.

And you're like, well, they're putting their mouth there. That must be what they want. I would probably, I would, I don't assume lead, but I would,

at that stage, I would probably take lead. You'd go more dominant. awkward questions like, do you like that? Do you? What do you? What did you like about that?

Strengths, weaknesses, opportunities and threats. The swat of that kiss. Strengths. Yeah, that certainly sounds sexy. Strengths, we didn't bump teeth. Because that's fucking horrible when you bump teeth. Oh my God. Weaknesses,. When you bump teeth. Oh my God. Yeah.

Weaknesses. A bit dribbly. Oh, yuck. Opportunities. A bit sloppy. A bit more tongue. And threats. Not too much or you could choke someone.

That's how you could break it down. I mean, it's not sexy talk, but have it once and get it out of the way, you know? Yeah, yeah. And then move on to the good kisses. That doesn't answer the question of who would be the best kisser. No, we don't really have any way to tell. And that's happy. We're happy to leave it at that. Yeah.

I think we know. I mean, I think you've heard who's the most conscientious kisser. Who's the like, most aggressive, quickest kisser. And then whatever you are. This is probably where you could ask your husband. No, because if I did, you'd be like, oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't answer it. Come over to the mic. No, don't answer it. Mr. Toyboy's here. Don't answer it. No, I think you should. I could go to him, actually. You could go to him.

I can stand up. This is not going to end well for you, no matter what way. Welcome, Mr. Toyboy. Hello, nice to be here. What kind of kisser is she? I'd say she just sort of like lets you take lead. Which I'm alright with.

She's a submissive kisser. I'm a submissive kisser. Oh, wait till the feminists find out about this. She just lies there and takes it. That's not the female kind. But she's easily pleased though. No! Those old birds always are.

I told you this would not end well. It's ended well for me because I'm laughing. That was great. That is a lovely note to wrap up part one of the Fletch, Fawn and Megan summer deep dive. All right. Which has had five different names since we started. The shallow deep dive into summer. Is that what we went with?

Yeah. That's what we'll do. Fantastic. All right. We'll see you on episode two. ZM's Fletch, Fawn and Megan, the podcast. If you enjoyed this podcast, why not give ZM's free and Clinton to listen to? Subscribe on the iHeartRadio app or wherever you get your podcasts.

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