2 Bears, 1 Cave with Tom Segura & Bert Kreischer - Bad Thoughts About Meghan Markle | 2 Bears, 1 Cave

Episode Date: May 19, 2025

SPONSORS: - Grab your tickets at https://NASCAR.com/tickets. If you can’t make it, grab a beer and your friends, find your seat on the couch, and gear up for some of the best racing in the world at Charlotte Motor speedway. Tune in to the Coca Cola 600 this Sunday at 6:00 PM Eastern - Brought to you by BetterHelp. Visit https://betterhelp.com/bears to get 10% off your first month - Sign up for a $1 per month trial period at https://shopify.com/bears. - Get your summer savings and shop premium wireless plans at https://mintmobile.com/BEARS. This week on 2 Bears 1 Cave, Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer go deep on Tom’s new Netflix series Bad Thoughts — a disturbing, hilarious, and brilliantly unhinged ride that Charo absolutely hated. The Bears talk about favorite sketches, behind-the-scenes moments, bloopers, and why Bert is both joking and not joking about not being cast. They dive into the art of acting, working with writers, and getting lost in characters — plus Bert’s dream roles if he had been invited. Also: Tom's Italian guy character, hair insecurity, Kevin James dying his beard, and Tom's nudity in the show. Elsewhere, Bert shares his Post Malone + Jelly Roll solo mission, NASCAR plans, and recent attempts at eating clean and not drinking again. There’s debate over royal titles, Meghan Markle, Prince William, and a killer impression of the royal family worrying about baby skin tone. Plus: Bert’s mail opening trauma, how he weighs himself, cauliflower pizza, bar takeovers, and why Tom might actually like who he is. It’s full sketch comedy breakdown meets chaotic Bear therapy—don’t miss it. 2 Bears, 1 Cave Ep. 289 https://tomsegura.com/tour https://www.bertbertbert.com/tour https://store.ymhstudios.com Chapters 00:00:00 - Intro 00:00:20 - Tom Talks Bad Thoughts 00:13:50 - Cinematography & Awkward Sex Scenes 00:21:45 - Casting Choices & Putting Friends In Movies 00:33:23 - Tom's Acting, Bert's "Sobriety", & NASCAR 00:40:20 - The Royals & Meghan Markle 00:55:01 - Bills 01:03:01 - Big Boys 01:09:31 - Wrap Up Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

100% Welcome To another episode of two bears one cave. We're in los angeles With the hit show on netflix streaming right now number two Bad thoughts congratulations, buddy. Thanks, buddy Congratulations, it is awesome. We went to the premiere Last week saw the first three episodes, and I sat right behind you. I was howling, laughing the whole time.

You were, it was awesome to hear you actually. And then Leanne and I, the last night, it started streaming yesterday, and Leanne and I watched the last three episodes. I got high before I watched them, and I realized halfway through, Tom, that I was doing this weird smile laugh I've never done where my eyes are like scared But I was I was smiling. I was gonna like that

When you okay, let's let's pick apart bad bad thoughts I mean, I'm it's millions and millions of people are watching it right now. Yeah, and and it's still we This is the next week so we don't know or that we have or whatever But we don't know where it is right now, but I'm guarantee you it's still I mean we this is the next week so we don't know or that we have or whatever But we don't know where it is right now, but I'm guarantee you it's still in the top ten It is so fucking funny, but it is God damn it. It is so your sense of humor. It is my sense of humor. It totally is Yeah, I mean You know I got I got a call yesterday because I had screened the first couple

Basically the first one for my mom, and she called me yesterday, and she just goes, I watched your whole show. And just quiet. And I go, and what'd you think? And she goes, absolutely horrendous. She goes, it's so embarrassing

that I have to see my friends and know that they could see this That's what comedies at its best yeah, I got so you are such an open book in this I know right parents my parents started watching it. Oh My god this morning he goes the fuck was I watching? Oh my God. I call this morning, he goes, the fuck was I watching? The fuck is this? This is eating, guys, he really is eating his ass. I mean, what the fuck?

They let that on Netflix? You are the definition. Every fucking person who goes, I wanna show on Netflix, but I don't want any notes. Yeah. You are the only person I've ever seen do that. I mean, yeah, it kind of does feel like that. The only note they ever gave me was, don't say the N word.

By the way, by the way, that was one of my favorite sketches is, okay, let's pick apart my favorite sketches. Okay, sure. My favorite one, number one, I will tell you right now, this is the best, I think you have the best opening to a Netflix show I've ever seen. That sketch, the assassin sketch is the best. I think you have the best opening to a Netflix show I've ever seen that sketch the Assassin sketch Oh, it's so brilliant. It's so brilliant because it it builds in such an unexpected way But it's such a great way to grab a viewer and go

This is what you're ready for you go over the top and bit in places that are like the perfect You walking with shit on your legs. I was crying laughing and Then are someone else on this phone? Like it is such. And we got Shay Wiggum in that who's like playing the guy on the other end of the film. Which yeah, but he's like unbelievable actor, you know, so like crazy getting those people in it, like Dan Stevens was in a couple, Daniela Panetta, it made everything, you know, especially if you take a stoop, take a silly, absurd idea,

and you have a real actor go, hey, ground this. I think it just makes everything better. Yeah, that was a great way to start. I will say, to date, my favorite sketch out of all of them is the fucking talent show. Oh really, with the, okay, that's awesome. Is that one, man, I think because I feel like, I feel like it would have, I feel like your dad would have

fucking loved it. Oh yeah. He would have been like, what's the funny part? That's all very real. Those are all things that I'd like heard him say, you know, about Vietnam. So that the funny thing about that one, like if you want to know the story, is I wrote it as me taking my son to say goodbye to my dad on his deathbed. And then I go, is there anything you want to tell him? And then he starts saying all this war shit. I'm like whoa whoa whoa. He's like what? And I'm like okay. So it just keeps progressing. And we had that written, that was written. It was like ready to go.

And then in the writer's room, just discussing it, this idea came out of like, what if it came out of the kid, but it's from the grant? And I was like, oh, that's better. That is better. That's so good. It's very fun. The, this guy sketch. Oh, yeah. Yeah. The portal stuff with, with

Rob Eiler. I don't want to give it away in case you haven't seen it. If you haven't seen it, you should see it. But I, but the Kirk Fox part it's he's so the reveal is my, is my favorite is my favorite. How'd you do it? It's so good. It's so good. And by the way, um, he's awesome in the one. I mean, I don't want to tease too much to like, yeah, but like the dad and the cake and that fucking had me Tom like this, like, that one is, yeah, that's one of my favorites too. I, uh, I love the black and white one with the, the, shut the fuck up. I didn't realize that was you. That's me, yeah.

Leanne, I'm watching it and Leanne's like, that's fucking Tom. And I went, no. She goes, no, that's Tom. I go, no, no, I met the lady that plays that. And she goes, you met the other lady. And I was like, oh shit, you're right. Yeah. Dude, that... And that's one of my favorite ones. I mean, they're all kind of like, oh shit, you're right. Yeah. Dude, that. And that's one of my favorite ones. I mean, they're all kind of like, they feel like they're your babies, you know?

But yeah, we had a really fun premiere that you came to, Leanne, a bunch of people that were in it. It was a really fun night. I hope people start saying I slept like a homo last night. I know, I know. I shit like a Jew. Like it's, there was. The airplane sketch was really funny to watch you defend your old bits. Yeah, that was fun. That was really great, man. That was really great.

And then it was every bit of it, it was really, it should inspire every comic who wants to make something to really make it in their voice. Because that's what you did. Just like, I'll say tires is Shane's voice. Fucking that is Shane. That is if you hang out with Shane. That is if you're in a car with Shane. If you're on a bus with Shane. If you're on a plane with Shane.

If you're at a bar with Shane. That is Shane. This is you to a fucking T. It is so It's so funny. It's what I thought is it's undeniable because If someone doesn't like it, then yeah, you don't like Tom. I guess then that's cool Yeah, totally all have different types of humors. You can't deny it's not funny But if you go it's too much for me, then you go. Yeah. Okay. I get it. Yeah. Yeah. No totally I mean, that's you know the feedback the feedback, because I think people in,

some of the people in production, I prepared them for this. I was like, I go, this isn't a standup special, but I go, it's the same kind of thing is gonna happen. It comes out, I go, you're gonna have a lot of people shower it with love and say how great it is. And then I go, if you want, you can just keep looking. And you find the people, they're like,

I hate this is the worst. I go, just don't, you can't like just focus on it. You just have to accept it's part of how it goes. You put something out, you're not in control of how people react, but like we love it, the people that made it. And I'm like, just, you know, be happy that some people really love it

and then just, you know, move forward. You can't like, you can't dwell on it. I haven't read it. I mean and you come up in my news thread I've blocked me my name never comes up, but you come up in my news thread Yeah, and I've and I saw like three things all very fucking positive. Oh, that's cool. That's cool. I mean Yeah, I kind of have a Zen Attitude now that Christina was actually complimenting me on it. She was like, you're not like checking all the time.

I'm like, yeah, no, it's out. I can't do anything. It's out. You can't do anything about it, man. You made it and you had fun making it. And I would argue you grew from making it. I can see your thumbprint all over it. How much did you fight for things and how much did you allow the

writers to convince you? I mean, you know, that's a great question. I loved that writers room because we had brilliant people in it. We had Matt Zeman, Craig Gerard, Connor Galvin, Rami Hashash, Jeremy Connor, Greg Tugalescu. And it was this great room where I came in with things that some things were already written. I would go, here's the thing. And we would talk about it. And some of them would keep a lot of what was there.

And some of it would evolve. It was always better after the writers worked together. Sometimes we would discuss one and somebody would take a stab at it. And then we would all punch it up together take a stab at it and then we would all punch it up together. So it was this whole process. The funny one, because the guy, Jeremy told me this later, he was like, I'm glad you fought for Slept Like a Homo. He goes, because we would have a wall with pins of like our definite yeses and then another wall had like, we're considering it and that slept like I kept getting

moved to considering and I would take it out and put it on the definite wall, you know? And he'd be like, how did it make it back here? I go, I fucking put it back here. We're doing this. Did you direct that one? Yeah, I directed that one. I can tell.

I was like, was it you weren't in it? Yeah. And I was like, wait, I knew you were directing, did you direct a bunch or just that one? Three, I directed that one, I directed the grandparents one, the speech, the little kid. Oh, are you serious? I directed that one, and then I directed the one with Bobby Lee. Which he's so funny, dude. Like when you see our bloopers reels coming out soon,

funny dude. Like when you see our bloopers reels coming out soon, I, looking into his eyes and trying to say that shit seriously, it was, I mean, I thought we were going to have to do 30 takes. I was like, I can't do this. Every time I look at him, I just start laughing. I just could not, just looking at him made me laugh, which is going to make him upset. How much were you guys on book versus improv? There was some, there was some improv in that,, especially when we got to the end of the bed and we were talking like, I'm like a sandwich and you're like... So I was doing different versions of that and they were making us laugh every time. In that, I wondered how much the writers were throwing lines at you because I was like,

he doesn't know what some of these meats are. They were throwing things like, because different ones would visit on different days and whenever they came they would have, you know, a bunch of ideas and we would try stuff. But they're the greatest guys. I mean, I had just, I have nothing but good things to say. They always were like throwing out ideas. So were Jeremy and Rami, like always just, what if we did this, you know, suggesting new ways to play it or a different line. But yeah, there was a good bit of improv, but I feel like most of it,

we tried to stick to what we wrote. This episode of Two Bears, One Cave is brought to you by NASCAR. The 2025 NASCAR season is headed to Charlotte Motor Speedway for one of their crown jewel races. It is a celebration of patriotism, along with 600 miles of intense racing action. This is the longest race of the NASCAR season,

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for no additional cost. We're all better with help. Visit betterhelp.com slash bears, get 10% off your first month. That's betterhelp, H-E-L-P dot com slash bears. Hi there, I'm Ryan Reynolds, and I have a list of things I like to have on set. It's just little things like two freshly cracked eggs,

scrambled with crispy hash browns, sausage, crumble, and premium chipotle sauce from Tim Hortons. From my rider to Tim's menu, try my new scrambled eggs loaded breakfast box. It was so beautifully shot. I mean, this is a testament to whoever your DP or director or whatever it was.

Oh my God. Just the dick sketch. When you go to the lady in the basement, it was racked so beautifully that I went, if you hadn't had what you had in that thing over your shoulder, like take away the sketch. It was gorgeous. Good. Now he, that's Nico, Nicholas Wiestnett, the DP of all of them, man, cause I told him, I was like, you know, the main, one of the main things I was like, I don't like watching

comedy that is shot like, Hey, this is a comedy, so it's super bright and flat. And you know what I mean, like the way we kind of, you see sitcoms, I was like, I don't want it to look like that, man. I want it to look cinematic. And like we had so many conversations about it and I thought he killed it. Like everything looked really, had its own different stories,

had a whole different look, but it always looked beautiful. God, man. So what like, what was Christina's favorite sketch? I don't know. She was, she hadn't seen them all, and we were watching some last night because she asked me to show her some more. I don't know which one is her favorite, actually.

I really don't know. But she was like, she's like over the moon about it. She loves it, you know, she was laughing I mean it was you know, it's so good It's so like, you know, it's so funny you get you do stuff on Netflix and you put it up and you know with our specials I think we can stand behind them because it's the thing we do. Yeah, you know, yeah with scripted stuff Sometimes you go. Well shit. It's not my strong suit, right? Even like the cabin like I go I go, yeah, that's what I do.

It's just basically a long-form podcast. Right, right. And I love the cabin. I think it's so great. But like, scripted is like, well shit, this isn't my thing. Dude, you really fucking hit it out of the park. It's like, I was so, so impressed. And so, and my favorite thing is like,

when people love it, I go, I know, right? And then when people don't get it, I like that even more. Yeah. I go, yeah, I know you need to watch it one more time. I'm super grateful for the, honestly, for the experience and like getting to do it. Cause I was telling, I was with Joe and I was like, I go, you know, this is actually my real dream. And he was like, what do you mean? And I go, well, I was like, I go, you know this is actually my real dream.

He was like, what do you mean? And I go, well, I moved to LA. I didn't move to LA to do standup. It wasn't even on my radar. I had zero, it wasn't even a thought. And I go, even though I have a standup career that I'm super happy about and grateful for, I go, you still, that thing in your mind never leaves

that you go, it was my dream to like, make things like this, you know? So to get to execute it felt like it was a dream. It'd be like if somebody was like, if you could jump into a 22 year old version of yourself and play baseball, like, you know, you'd be like, yeah. Like, so that's what I wanted to do. Right, what I wanted to do when I moved to LA

was make comedy movies. You know what I mean? So this was like, it felt like they were like, here you go. Go ahead and do the thing you wanted to do. Yeah, that's so fucking, that's so crazy because one of the things that you're good at that I am really not good at is you love getting lost in a character.

And that was fun. Yeah, that was really fun. I mean, I mean, what did your kids think of it? Oh, they love it. They were talking about it in school. That first sketch sets it off so proper, like so good. It's such a good it's such did you guys play around with the order of them other than? So much. So much. Other than the transitions, which I love that you did. Like the cliffhangers, I think that's safe to say. Yeah. Is that you'll end one sketch and be like, huh? And then you'll start another sketch and be like, oh.

Yes, yeah, yeah. Now we played with that a lot. And then even when we thought we had our order, we were still debating. And we ended up switching some things around. But almost from the beginning, we thought that that assassin one was the way to start the show. Oh, it's so good. Yeah. It's so good because it escalates so quickly. Yeah. And really

gets you to where the show will be. Yeah, exactly. It's a great introduction. It's a great, it's a great foot forward. Thanks. Did you, did you go in knowing you wanted Sickler and Kevin Christie and and Johnny Pemberton and Bobby and, or did you, they audition? It was a, Casting was crazy. One of the things was like, we're in Austin, cause we always talk about like we're in LA, it would be like so easy to like call so many people you knew.

So that was a big thing. We did cast a lot of Austin people that were super talented. People also came from Houston and Dallas, and we had people fly in from New York and Arizona. But when it came to those, it was... The sickler thing, we were just like, hey, who do you like, hey, you know, who do you want standing next to you while you're naked? Cause at first they were like,

should we just cast like a local guy? And I was like, I liked that it was sickler. I was like, it'd be fun to be sickler. Kevin did me a, just a super solid because it was like, it was a small part and he's like a, he's an accomplished actor. He's been in like

a bunch of real things. Bobby I thought was so perfect to play the part of, like he plays so, the victim so well. Like you know when he's being kind of like bullied in a way, his natural way of playing that I think is so funny. Like him in that role is so funny. He's great. I wasn't supposed to be in that one.

My role in that one with Bobby, that was supposed to be Momoa. And so our whole thing was, if you can't get someone who's genuinely a sex symbol, let's get somebody who's like kind of like why the fuck do you find this person sexy? Wow wait so what happened? Momoa backed out? Yeah so we changed all our whole entire production, moved everything all to accommodate like his schedule because he was like I'll do it we were all like out of our minds just so happy about it. And then Like two weeks before he FaceTime me from a bathtub

He was like, hey, what's up? I'm like, are you taking a bath? He's like, yeah Hey, I can't make it man. I was like He was like in New Zealand they were shooting more pickups from his movie or something So I was like, alright, so then were like, we didn't want to get somebody where you go like, yeah, that guy's sexy too. Cause like he stands out. Did you reach out to Brad Pitt? We did reach out to the, he was shooting a movie

in I don't know, Louisiana or something. So, but then we were like, once we get those guys off the table, it felt like it was funnier to make it like the anti-sex symbol. I thought it was even fun. By the way, I mean I'm sure my mom would have been, it would have been hilarious to watch him walk in. I bet he would have killed it, but I thought it was funnier that it was the guy that makes subs. Yeah, then we just tried to

make him like kind of a dirt bag, you know. Yeah, so that was that. And we got surprised, like Shay saying, Shay Wickham saying yes to the Badass Ass, and then Dan Stevens, who plays the guy that runs the old folks home, you know, with the old lady, the guy who's like these people... Yeah, wait, who's the one, better yet, who's the one who plays the gym owner? The gym manager. Same guy. That's him?

He's from fucking like, like Downton Abbey, right? Yes. Yes. Holy shit. You know who Leanne kept saying that was? Last night we're watching it. She goes, they got Carrie Hughes again. I go Carrie Hughes. You're the guy from Princess Bride. She goes, that's Carrie Hughes. And I went, no, and he had makeup on. So I'm going like this. You know how you look at like, like, people go, what do you see first in this picture, an elephant or a sword? And I was like, I kept looking at his face, trying to see it, and I was like, that's not him.

And then all of a sudden I went, oh shit, that is the guy from Downton Abbey. Yeah, it's him, yeah, he's so handsome, shit. He's gorgeous. I could see how she could confuse them, but they're also about 30 years apart in age. A lot, well, you know what's crazy? We were doing something, and we got reached,

this can sound weird, but like someone said, we were making something and someone said, Carrie Hughes is available. Yeah. And I went, what? And they're like, yeah, he's really cool, he's funny. He's like really dialed in. I guess he's like a regular guy.

And I was like, I think he's wrong for for it but I'd cast him just to meet him yeah cast him give him the job I just wanted to meet you I just want to meet him he's fucking awesome dude mm-hmm he is amazing actually yeah he's a really great actor I gotta say this okay hmm and I'm just curious. Was there ever a conversation about we should put Bert in one? Yeah. Yeah. We all saw your promos. You know what's so funny? It is, uh, is I posted that promo yesterday and I actually, I actually, I had a dream, I had a dream. It's so funny. I had a dream that I walked off the set of my own show

and went over to your show and said, hey, can I, I just walked off the set of my show, can I work on your show? I don't have a show anymore. And you were like, of course, I got you. And then you're like, you're gonna be like, you can get us coffee and stuff. And I was like, Tom, I had a dream about this, right?

And I woke up and I thought, and I thought, wait, he put everyone in that and I wasn't in it. And I was like, oh, I should do a promo. I'll do a promo to promote the show saying that I wasn't in it. That was very funny. But what's so funny is I was like, as soon as I did it, I was like,

well, I didn't, I haven't put Tom in anything. And then, and then randomly we did the promo and at the very end I go, wait, he was in cabin that's right and I so I said okay I put him in the cabin but what's so funny is like even like people you know well like our friends like like mr. Clavicle he's a great guy I love mr. Clavicle yeah but mr. Clavicle wrote I like in one of the comments I didn't see Bert I didn't see Tom in the machine I was like you go I was like guys I'm joking like I think sometimes my personality Gets lost in like people think I'm a hundred percent serious all the time or I'm a I don't know what it is

But I was like I'm joking obviously, but I'm also not joking at all I'm joking a hundred percent. Yeah, but 0% at the same time. Yeah, yeah, I got it, I got it. If you run a small business, you know there's nothing small about it. As a business owner myself, I get it. The thing that helped me the most when all of the decisions began to feel daunting

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Oh my god. Oh my god. On and on. Do you know for the record, Mr. Clavicle, we had written a scene in the machine for all my friends to be in, like a cameo scene for all my friends to be in. But we were shooting in Serbia and there was five days where you had to be quarantined and it was just so not feasible to bring people over and have them wait for five days and then fly home. And so it was like, it was, but, uh, I turned down a,

a movie that shot in Oklahoma city, uh, back then where like they just, they gave me an offer to play the part. And, uh, and it was like, here's, here's, here's the days you need to be here. And I was like, I can do that. It was like, let's say 12 days, right. Of shooting this movie. And they was like, here's the days you need to be here. And I was like, I can do that. It was like, let's say 12 days, right, of shooting this movie. And they're like, cool, we need you two weeks before then and then a week after.

And I was still like, okay, maybe. And then as we got closer, they're like, you actually need to stay multiple weeks after also. So the 12 day shoot, they wanted me there for like six weeks. And I was like, I can't do that, dude. That's insane. It's crazy. Because of like how they were quarantining back then.

It's so crazy to think that quarantines actually happened. Yeah, that you could say you can't go outside. Yeah, and also like, we just need you here. You gotta just stay here for a couple of weeks. I was like, I can't do that, dude. Yeah. We did talk about. So just so we're clear, I can't do that, dude. Yeah. We did talk about-

So just so we're clear, I did want Tom to be in the machine. It couldn't have happened. And I did put Tom, you were the very first person I called for the cabin. Yes. No, for this show, casting was like a very scrambled thing, where you're always like, who fits into this part? What's the way that they would,

who can do it at what time? And it was always like, what would be a good fit? People's schedule. Looking back, I don't know if you, what was the one? I think we were, cause I wanted to actually play you in one. And we were kicking around that idea. Yeah. So it just didn't, it was just one of those things

where it wasn't like a never thought about or discussed. It just didn't pan out. But you know, hopefully we can do another one. Hopefully there's season two. Yeah. What would you like to play? Just a guy that sucks a dick or gets fucked in the ass or shits himself or eats a guy we shit on his ass. Whatever you like, whatever you you're into, you know, yeah, do you want to do like an orgy scene or something?

Yeah, I was just I'll tell you what I can I I Literally was like I would be So difficult because I'm not cool with all the shit you're cool with like I can't like I couldn't have shit on my legs For an extended period of time. Oh my god, like I I couldn't, I couldn't put the veneers in that you did. Oh those were horrible. Twice, twice you did it for the thing on the back and the other guy. Like I can't, I can't, like I'm not, I'm not an actor like you're an actor. You're, I mean I have to say this and I hope, you know, I don't think this will surprise anyone, you're a really good actor.

You're really fucking good. Like you're good at getting into a character and being a different person, and you're also good at being Tom and being subtle and quiet, and like your choices are fucking amazing. I am not that good. I can play Bert, and that's it. And I can't have shit touch me, I need to wear my clothes.

You do you really well though. I do you really well. Yeah. Yeah. Well thanks I appreciate that it was um I think playing the characters is like the most fun. I couldn't like it's crazy to see you with hair. That also freaked me out and also I think I told you I't joking, that day when I was playing the Italian guy, and I was, A, walking around, and everybody was like, wow, you look great. And I would look in the mirror and I was like, maybe I do want hair transplants.

That was the only day that I thought that. I was like, wow. Lee-Ann kept saying he is so attractive. He's an attractive guy. He was shaved beard-burt. He's attractive with hair, he's attractive. And then he attractive guy. He would shave beard, Bert. He's attractive with hair, he's attractive. And then he goes back to Tom and he looks like Kevin James.

Pull up Kevin James got a new special called Irregardless. Pull up Irregardless if you can and tell me this doesn't look like a Tom Segura special. Kevin James Irregardless. Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. You and Kevin James should do a twins movie. He's gotta be dyeing that beard, right?

Yeah. That's pretty dark. I think everyone's dyeing their beard except for you. Yeah. My friend Steve that came to the 5K, we're the same age and his beard is totally dark and I was like, you're using a dye, right? He's like, no, it just grows like this. That totally dark and I was like you're using a dye right? He's like no, it just grows like this.

That's real. That's fucking crazy. Yeah, it was so dark. Wait, have we talked about the 5k at all? Yeah, we did a podcast on the 5k. I fucking don't remember. We did a podcast on the 5k. I've been eating edibles every night now.

I've been smoking weed every night. I'm not sober sober. Like I don't think I ever have an attraction to being sober But like not drinking has felt fucking really good these last eight days eight days You're almost time to get a coin. It's a it ends in about four hours. Oh, it's over four hours. Okay? Yeah Alright, it ends in four hours. I'm having a I'm having a bottle of I'm having a glass of our vodka Getting on a plane and it ends in four hours I'm having a glass of our vodka, getting on a plane.

Thomas, just flying, man, it's flying. Yeah, I know, we fly differently, we talked about that. I'm like, yeah, I don't care, do a barrel roll. I don't give a shit. And then you're like. Ooh. Yeah, turbulence makes me laugh. Everyone's like panicking on my flight

and I'm like, it's fine. You can hear it like the engine separating from the wing. I feel so good. I feel so good right now that I go, don't drink, don't drink. Let's see how long I can not drink on the flight. And that way I'll minimize my drinking. But then we're going to Chicago for a bottle takeover or for a bar takeover. Both. We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover. We have a bottle signing and a bar takeover. I'm gonna drink in Chicago I'm gonna have I want I want by the way. I'm also eating clean. I'm eating good like yeah Where is that by the way so we can say it and then I think I'm going to the Post Malone Jelly Roll concert

Okay, hold on. It's the old crow smokehouse It's a when it's thest, scroll up a little bit. Yeah, the May 21st, 8 p.m. That's 3506 North Clark Street in Chicago. It is a free and open to the public event, 21 and over. Of course, that is going to be a lot of fun. We've done a bunch of bar takeovers all over the country. And so you guys should come out.

If you're in Chicago, we will be there from 8 p.m. And if I know Burt, we'll be there till way after 8 p.m. And if you're a college kid and you don't have any money to drink, come out, we'll pour you free drinks. There you go, there you go. I mean that's the thing, college kids show up. If you're a broke college kid and you're in Chicago,

show up, we'll get you drunk. There's the offer. And then I'm going to Post Malone and Jelly Roll that next night. The next night, oh that's cool. At Wrigley Field by myself. That's gonna be awesome. I'm going to concert by myself. That's okay, you'll have fun.

I don't know, you know my only problem is I don't wanna like, I don't wanna bother Jelly Roll's band and Jelly Roll. Like I don't want to be like, cause I'm not gonna fucking just go sit in the stands. I'm gonna want to go backstage and hang out with them. And then I just feel like I don't want to bother people. Well, I mean, you're friends. You guys can, you'll be fine. I know.

Go hang, chill. Yeah. And then we're going to the Coca-Cola 600 for Labor Day weekend. We're doing something's burning at in Charlotte, North Carolina on the infield during the fucking Coca-Cola 600 during it during the Coca-Cola 600 I'm making. Check this out. They said so this is the deal.

NASCAR is like, yo, can you do a pop-up at NASCAR, at an event? They gave me like five races. One of them being the fucking, Lauren, we went to the Daytona 500. It didn't work in my schedule. Anyway, I pick, based on food, I pick Charlotte, North Carolina.

We're making biscuit briskets. Brisket biscuits. Biscuit, brisket biscuits biscuit brisket pimento cheese sauce and we're making little sliders and we're just handing them out to everyone we're gonna make a thousand of them a thousand of them a thousand are you gonna have some help yeah Dave Williamson's coming with me and the guys Jody over at rec tech is coming down he's gonna bring a grill we've got a we've got a party bus coming to hang out.

We got tents. I'm so excited for this. I'm like, and by the way, since I've had what's his name, Kurt Bush on, I've been watching NASCAR nonstop. NASCAR and wrestling. I'm like, all of a sudden, I go to one wrestling event and I'm watching wrestling nonstop.

I watched Monday Night Raw the other night live. Yeah, yeah. I mean those are exciting events dude. I mean NASCAR for me when we went to the Daytona 500 I was like, holy shit. I'd never experienced anything like it. It really was so fucking cool. Why is it that NASCAR has rednecks and F1 has princes? I mean, I don't know, dude. F1 definitely erupted and had been a huge European thing. That's like a European sport basically that has gone global.

And so it's always been the creme de la creme like that kind of society loves it but also I would say in europe you do have princes and dukes at f1 but the working-class man also loves f1 there you know it kind of transcends all social classes even though people associate it as like an elite kind of you know fan base um and I don't know, NASCAR's all, NASCAR started with like, like in the South, in the Southeast, you know, it was like country shit, those guys, that was the origins of it. So it's always been like this thing that it did kind of

become like this redneck is what you associate with it. But then you get around them and you realize that these, you know, the fucking brains behind it, they're brilliant. Like the people who are analyzing the data and the engineers associated with it, I mean it's very, very highly technical and super sophisticated, but people will casually kind of dismiss it as just being like a bunch of rednecks

driving in a circle, you know? But why is American car culture is like, and I mean this, I'm just saying, for broad strokes purposes, American car culture is kind of like, like greaseheads, grease monkey, and like greaseheads, and like kind of low brow, and like, and then European car culture is like Ferrari,

Porsche, Mercedes. There's like a shine to European car culture. Yeah, you're right. You're totally right. I mean, you know, with, part of it I think is that in the F1 world, the teams that have like the most kind of weight to them that are traditionally dominant

in that sport. They're all European like Lux brands right. It is Mercedes and Ferrari and McLaren. Those are like those are household names but they're also like super elite brands. So I think some of that is just the fan base that comes with that you know I mean like here it's Chevy and Ford. That's a different, it's a different thing. Do you know what I, do you know what I got into watching? It's, you got me into Drive to Survive. Oh yeah. And then Netflix suggested Polo. I think it's just called Polo, right? So I watched that.

They have it for everything now. Wide receivers, quarterbacks. They have the tennis one, the golf one. They just did Liver King Untold, and by the way, he put me in it. That's a friend. No, but you know what,, so like I get high, I watch Bad Thoughts last night, Leanne goes to bed,

it's like midnight, and I'm pretty high. I got these great PAX vape pens that are like perfect. And because I guess because I watched, because you got me on Drive to Survive, and then that got me into Polo, last night it auto-played, like it just immediately goes into Meghan Markle's show. Oh my God.

Dude. Was that, it's like the thing that got roasted the hardest. I can't believe, I can't believe people, it's, I don't wanna talk negative about her, you know? Cause I don't like talking negative about people It is fucking Fascinating it is like if you're it's almost like if you go watch Jeffrey Dahmer Put a body into a fucking canister like I watched her make tea last night

And it's like halfway through Tom I realized I was whispering like she whispers through it and it's like halfway through Tom I realized I was whispering like she whispers through it and it's like but like she says wild crazy things it's almost like she was never American it's almost like she was never like a regular she was always a princess like she's like the first people that she's like my friend Delphina is coming over. Her husband Nacho is good friends with Harry. We go out and hike and then so I Google Nacho, right? Nacho is the most beautiful man in the world.

He is one of the richest men in the world. He runs the number one polo. Him and Harry play polo together. And I'm just like, what world? And then this fucking Delphina shows up. She's Gorgeous. She has the most beautiful accent and guess what Meghan Markle speaks Spanish Meghan Markle speaks Argentinian Spanish really I'm like who the fuck is Meghan Markle? Well those Argentines look at this fucking uncircumcised cock. He is

Gorgeous and he rides horses at full sprint and he plays polo and he's rich and his wife's taller than him. Dude, this guy Nacho, I got onto a deep dive of him and then that's just their first friend. Then they go to the, I've watched fucking four episodes of this goddamn show, Tom. Is he Argentine? Cause they love polo. Oh, he's Argentinian. Yeah. They're fucking, he loves polo. He's got the it's called black. He's sponsored by Polo by polo the brand polo Like he's he's the fucking guy dude. How did we not?

Become that kind of white where we played polo. Oh my god Photographers and they knew how to make focaccia and they fucking made tea She I mean Tom she made biscuits for their fucking dog. She made biscuits for their fucking dog Are you gonna make me watch this fucking show Megan? I'm telling you I can't you know Look, all I can hear is Tim Dillon in my head going this fucking Like yeah, and and which makes it so much more enjoyable. Of course. But I gotta be honest with you. It is, it's so weird. It's such an interesting insight into someone's life.

Yeah, yeah. Oh, it got renewed. Everybody was like slam, but of course it's probably got crazy views. It got crazy views. Cause weren't the reviews for this just like insane? Like that people were like, this is insane like that. I can't tell I can't tell if she's lying or not

That's the I kept trying to find out like you could tell if she's lying like right She makes these ice cubes with uh with flowers inside them. She goes I like dude She made a fucking mimosa that I swear to god I will make she freezes Orange juice in the cubes that look like flowers then puts them in the drink Puts them in the freezer, and then when her friends come over, she pulls it out and pours champagne on top of them.

Let me tell you something, Meghan Markle could get in my pants tomorrow. This fucking chick, she is telling, she made tea for her friend, she made tea bags for her friend to take home so that she could make tea later. And then Meghan Markle's like, I've been making tea my whole life,

and I can't tell if she's lying or not. Oh, right. Where's the black part of Meghan Markle? Like, isn't she black? Half. I don't know black people to make biscuits for their dog. I'm just saying that. It's not been a thing in black culture like we make biscuits for our dog or we leave tea bags for our friends. Or, I mean, she made biscuits for her dog. Tom, listen to what she did. Her friends come over, they both have dogs mean she made biscuits for her dog Tom listen to what she did her friends coming over they both have dogs she makes biscuits for her friends dog gives it to one of her dogs and their her dog

fucking loves it then she puts them in a jar Mason jar she has labels pre-written biscuits for her your with the dog's name her her handwriting is fucking perfect she puts the top on then puts a bow around it Tom this is what she does this is crazy she takes the bow she ribbon, folds it, cuts it at an angle and Tom, it then looks like this. It looks like a whale tail. I'm like, Jesus Christ. Now listen, I can't imagine they're in pre-production talking about this is how you cut a ribbon. I think this chick might be the real deal. You think she lives like this regardless of the cameras there?

I swear. Dude, I'll watch it again on the plane tonight. I'll tell you what, the only thing, she can't dance. That's very disappointing. Well, it makes me think like, okay, if you're black and you can't dance, maybe you spend your time cutting ribbons. That's legit. like, okay, if you're black and you can't dance, maybe you should spend your time cutting ribbons. That's a legit color. I gotta be honest with you, man, I'm fuckin',

and I know this is an unpopular opinion, and listen, by the way, I was wrong about Ryan Holiday. Stoicism's pretty badass, okay? Yeah. I'm just saying it, I say unpopular opinions. I think we're gonna have a huge turnaround on this Meghan Markle bitch. Really?

I think she's gonna be our next Martha Stewart. I think she's the real deal. I think, look, for just argument's sake, Tom, okay? For argument's sake, okay? Argument's sake. Say she is the real deal. Say she does like make dog biscuits and make her own tea. She leaves it outside, she steeps it all day,

and then Harry meets her, right? Harry's the guy that's had servants his whole life, and then he runs into a chick who, by the way, probably fucks like a banshee, probably put it down. Harry's only fucked the Duchesses of Wales, right? All these white broads, pasty white broads, he's basically fucking Downton Abbey his whole life, right? Yeah, yeah.

Meets a American half- whole life, right? Yeah, yeah. Meets a what, American half black chick, right? Yeah. Who can twerk a little bit, fucking rails him. Then casually, casually, makes him a mimosa, they go into his parents' house, and she says casually, let's just, argument's sake, Tom, argument's sake. Argument's sake. She goes, hey man, this is a little fucked up.

It's crazy, man, no one's making eye contact, like what the fuck? And he's like, well I'm the prince. She goes, yeah this is kind of crazy. And then they start showing him, like they go into his bedroom and he's like, this is the jaw of an aborigine. And she's like, you have an aboriginal jaw?

And he's like, yes, doesn't everyone have aboriginal jaws? She's like, how'd you get that? And he goes, my grandfather killed them. He killed them when they decided they didn't want. He'd go there and he got them pregnant and they kill them and then take their jaws and give them to us as presents for Christmas. Yeah, that's a great present.

Yeah. But then Meghan Markle just casually goes, Yo man, this little fucked up. And by the way, everyone's like, how dark will the baby be? Yeah. Yeah. So black, will it be blacker than you? Someone actually said. Are we looking at a Patrick Ewing or more of a Steph Curry?

We certainly don't want him any darker. He's too dark. You look like you've been on holiday, but you're not like one of those oil and blacks. You look like if a more went to a beef What does she casually says that right she casually like it's a little fucking racist cuz she's American right? Yeah, she's American and then the whole world turns on her because because Harry can't get his brother To fucking be on his side. What if like just what if she's not the bad person in this? Yeah, maybe I don't know man Since when have the Royals been the fucking, on the good team? I know, and the rumor is that William,

you know, William's gonna be king soon, is that he had planned on removing their titles completely, because he so resents her for, and him for leaving, you know? I'll tell you right now, the only thing I get in all this is William. You get it. That's the only person I get is like him going like bro we're brothers. Bros before hoes what the fuck are you doing? You know how we roll yeah our family's racist yes we have aboriginal jaws yes we fucking

this is who we are though bro. We fuck bitches. What are you fucking doing man? Let's go on holiday. We'll put on Nazi outfits like we used to when we were children. Just like Papa Paul. Have a laugh. Have a laugh. A big goof. We killed the Jews. Jesus Christ. You can watch Apostle also. Well, yeah, they're kind of fucked, man. They're not welcome back there. At least that's the rumor.

I don't think the- Okay, you get an invite. Okay, casual. Yeah, casual invite. Casual invite. Andrew texts you and he's like, yo, I got a weird invite. Prince William asks, or Prince Harry asked for your number,

can I give it to him? What do you say? Sure. Okay, great. You get a text from Prince Harry, hey man, big fan, Megan and I watched your show, Bad Thoughts, we have such the same sense of humor, me and you.

And then he writes, Megan didn't love it, but who cares? And then he goes, I'd love to have you guys out to the house. You and Christina, bring the boys. We have an extra house on the property out in Santa Barbara. Do you take the invite? Well, I would say, yeah, totally. Just so you know, I think my wife has said some not so cool things about yours.

Is that okay? Shit, she has? What did she let doesn't like her? I don't know man, she put out, I think she had some commentary on a video, like you know, making fun of something about her and it was in like the British tabloids and everything too. Oh for real?

So they might know Christina's name. Yeah, yeah, but I'd be like, yeah sure, we'll be there. I'll see you, I mean I would go, wouldn't you go, you'd go in a heartbeat. Fuck. Yes. I'm going to sunscreen for him and be like, buddy, we're going to be doing it. Yeah, we're going to Megan. Did you make those little fucking mimosas? What's crazy to me is that like, as podcasters, we take swings at people like Meghan Markle. Right? Yeah.

It's free, free game. And she's like a regular person. She is a princess or whatever, but like, she's a regular person. And then people take swings at us and then we get upset, but we would do it to them. So I try not to talk bad about people because I have done it in the past.

And then when it happens to me, it's like a friend or someone you like someone you casually know you're like oh man what the fuck and they're like I'm sorry man I was just looking for content. Yeah. Wait do you pay your own bills? There's a portal that I sign into an approve of certain Bills that go out Leanne Leanne does that for us? Yeah, I figured yeah, I've never paid a bill in my life I also figured that I've never the last time I paid a bill you could write checks

Seriously, yeah The last time I paid a bill you could write checks So you have no idea like how any of it works for you? None. None. None. I have, you know, I look at it this way. I think, because me and you spend money differently and I've seen you spend money.

I actually said to someone recently, I was like, they were like, don't you and Tom like have the same amount of money? And I was like, not really. He has more money than I do. But like, I mean, I guess in apples and oranges, it's not apples and oranges, it's apples and like pears. And they go and like, well, it's not like it's not like I have no money. No, but like, I go, they go, but how like, how can I go?

Well, Tom knows how much money I go, Tom's aware of how much money he has coming in And how much money he has going out every month I have no idea how much money I have coming in how much money I'm going out So what I do is I just don't spend because I'm terrified all the time So I live in a place of fear because I don't want to deal with it So like that's where I am So I don't spend because I'm terrified that I'm not I don't have any money coming in that month and they're like You do and I was like I know but I think not I don't have any money coming in that month and they're like you do and I was like I know but I think if I was more aware of what was coming in I might spend more I got you

Yeah, so the weird way to protect myself. I just keep myself unaware like I was talking I was toast I'm getting back on stage After 11 fucking months of doing I'm not doing stand-up. Yeah, I'm starting to do shows and I did Oxnard last week. And I have a joke, I don't know what the joke is really per se, but in it, it's that Leanne has always bought our cars. Leanne loves cars. She loves cars. Her dad's a mechanic. She's really into cars. So when we look at cars, like I run them by Leanne and then she's like no or yes. Leanne's always been the final decision on every car.

And there was a guy in the audience that couldn't believe it. He was like, bullshit. And he was like, what kind of car do you have now? I'm being serious. I had, when I had Kurt Busch here, Kurt Busch said, what kind of car do you have? And I said, the white one. And he goes, what is it? I said, it's a Mercedes. He goes, what kind? I said, when I had Kurt Busch here, Kurt Busch said, what kind of car do you have? And I said, the white one.

And he goes, what is it? I said, it's a Mercedes. He goes, what kind? I said, white. And he went, you really don't know anything about cars. I know that it's like the, I can tell you how much it costs, and I know it's the nice one, it's the big one.

But S or C, it's an S or a C, it's not E, but it's like the big one, but I don't know the number. Like I really don't know the number. Yeah, I've seen it, it't know the number Yeah, yeah, I've seen it. It's nice. It's really nice. Yeah, I love that car. I love that car I did it's a great car and it's probably a little a lot have it forever because it's Sedan it's comfortable. Yeah, it's not like too ostentatious. It's like but it's a beautiful car It's great. I saw real estate and fucking Beverly Hills, but whatever You look like a Persian guy, but yeah, cuz it's white. I shouldn't got white Yeah, whites the fucking Persian where I shouldn't have gotten white.

White's a fucking Persian. My next door neighbor's got a white one. Yeah, no, it's a statement piece. He builds houses. Yeah, yeah, that's so funny though that your lady tells you this is what we're getting. I mean, the car she has right now, you've seen her car. Yeah.

The black one. Yeah, it's red. Yeah, she picked it. It was for her birthday, and she was like, that's red. Yeah, she picked it. So it was for her birthday. And she was like, that's what I want. I was like, for real? Can I tell you what I said, Tom? I go, black?

Like, why would you pick the black one? It's gonna be so hot. She was like, the black one's sexy. She goes, it doesn't even color. That's a car. And I was like, yeah, but I care more about the color of my car. But you like white. You had a white truck. I've always had white cars. I've always had white cars. Yeah

It's like your white cars extension of your like racial beliefs. Yeah. Yeah, I wasn't listening. God damn. What did you say? Nothing? No, I'm just I'm saying it just fits you perfectly You get the white truck. What was the truck? You had a Denali. A Yukon Denali. That's the last car. That is the very last car I purchased. I've only purchased two cars. And they're probably my two favorite cars I ever owned.

Ford was the Expedition? Yeah. Ford Expedition and a white Yukon Denali. Man, that white Yukon Denali. That was the shit. I remember it. That was the shit. You know why I bought it? That was awesome.

Because it had captain seats in the back. It was awesome. I was the baddest fucking car. Oh man, I loved that car. Yeah, did you have it for a long time? I leased it, I leased it. And by the way, I could have, you know, I might be in a parallel universe.

If I had never met Leanne, I might be a shrewd businessman. Yeah? I think Leanne just took over everything so easily that I was like, great. Yeah. Cool, I'd rather never open an envelope. I haven't opened mail. I'm gonna bring Leanne in here.

I'm gonna just have Leanne yell it. I'm gonna call her right now. When do you think the last time I opened mail was? I think you would probably be the same as Bobby Lee. You both, I think, have the same financial planning. He's like, I don't know what it is, I don't know how much the amount, I've never seen a bill, I don't open a thing,

I haven't done it in 25 years. Like, zero, zero awareness. I would say I haven't opened a in 25 years, like zero, zero awareness. I would say I haven't opened a piece of mail. God damn. I'm gonna say, hang on, hang on one second, don't listen, okay? I haven't opened a piece of mail, I'm gonna guess. You ready?

Yeah. In 22 years. Okay, let's see what she says. Leanne. Yes. When was the last time you think I opened a piece of mail? 1993? That's worse than what I thought.

I was going to say 22 years. I don't think I've ever opened a piece of mail since I married you. Oh, I don't think you opened mail before me. I didn't. No, I don't think you've ever opened a piece of mail since I married you. Oh, I don't think you opened mail before me. I didn't. I don't think you've opened mail since 1993. Maybe even before that. Maybe even ever. Yeah. I've never opened mail. So it just, it just sits there. Lots of gifts and talents. That's that's not in your real house. All right. I love you. I'll talk to you later.

I just, it gives me anxiety and I think I got myself into a place, and by the way, let me just say, I've gotten myself into a place where I have regretted not opening mail. Yeah, what's something you should have opened? Taxes. Oh, yeah, that was, yeah. Yeah, I got upside down on taxes when in 2003,

no, 2004, because I wasn't opening mail. And they're like, here's your tax bill. And I didn't open it. And then I had someone call me say, you owe like $24,000. And I was like, how did that happen? Yeah. There's a lot of penalties. And then I ran out of, no, I've definitely fucked up.

I'm not a good, like, I fucked up a lot with money because of my anxieties of mail and whatnot, but the second I met Leanne, smooth sailing. That's cool. It's good that you both have your role in that for sure. Yeah. I feel like in my house, it's definitely the other way. No shit, why do you think I found you?

I don't think Christina has paid a bill in many, many years. I'm the forefront of changing gender identities. Yeah, there you go. That's just how I am. If there's any guy out there that feels like they're like me, that they're not really good with money and they're not really good at making it, but they're not good with running it, they spend wildly. If I knew how much money I would I had I might spend crazy. Yeah, I just go I don't know. Oh, that's good. That is good that keep

you like this then you're right. If you knew you might go like oh fuck it and just go crazy. Yeah. Yeah. That's the way to be then. Yeah, I don't think I can't you know it's kind of do you do you like who you are? Do I like who I am? Like, do you wake up and go, I think Tom's cool as shit. No, I don't, I mean that's not my inner dialogue. Definitely not. What's your inner dialogue when you wake up in the morning? Honestly like the first thing is like, fuck I'm tired.

I wish I could sleep more. It's crazy to be tired when you're not hungover. No, I'm always like, god damn, I wish I could sleep more. I always try to just stay in bed as long as I can, unless I absolutely have to get up. But my point is that I don't stay in bed as long. You know what I mean? I get up.

So tired. Then sometimes you wake up skinny, so you're like, it's a good morning. you know, you wake up skinny. So you're like, it's good morning. And then sometimes you wake up fat. No, there we go. Then you wake up and wait, wait, wait, where do you judge that skinny or fat? I can tell you mine and then you tell me yours ready. On my walk to the toilet. Yeah, I make a profile look like an Alfred Hitchcock look. And I can tell if I'm skinny or fat. And sometimes I don't even fucking

look. Yeah, I don't even fucking look. Yeah, I mean, it's similar. Mine is that the mirror is in front of me as I'm walking into the bathroom. So it's straight on. So it's like your stomach feels like flat and you're like, oh, it's a good skinny morning. Boxers feel loose, like, oh, this is nice.

And then, yeah, some mornings you go fuck it, fuck this mirror and you just turn right in and pee. Yeah, dude. It varies day to day, day to day. Why don't they just make a skinny mirror the way the hotels have them sometimes? I don't know, dude. And skinny lighting too.

They should just make a mirror to make you feel better about yourself. I 1,000% agree. There's no reason for a real mirror. Yeah, just skinny mirrors only. Yeah, why do have real mirrors? And why do we have accurate scales? They should all be bullshit and cameras should have scales We should have scales Tom like when we were kids when you get on and we go like this we go it would go Badoomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba doomba It's down here at 245. Are you weighing yourself? Yeah, how is it not great?

I've gained I'm too I'm 250 But I'll tell you this yeah, like I put my hands on the on the counter When I weigh myself and I ease myself onto the scale and I lower my hands and I let go at 250 and then I hop off at 250. Okay. That is insane. It's not as insane as also what I do. Sometimes I weigh myself backwards and take a picture of it so I don't know what it is

but I know how heavy I was. So you don't actually even see it? So what I'll do is I'll stand backwards and I'll take a picture of it and then... But you don't look at the picture? I don't look at the picture until three days later when I feel like I've lost weight and then I go, I wonder how much I was and then the other day that backfired on me because I took it and it was like 247 and I was like, I'm going to look at that when I've lost weight so I didn't drink for eight days and then I got on the scale the other day and I was like I did the hands thing

Yeah, I was like, okay 250. I'm good with that number and I was like, I wonder what I was I must been like 257 when I ran the two bears and I was like 247. What the fuck I gained three pounds Oh my god, but I think it's cuz I had pizza dude. I got I Hold on. Hang on. I had cauliflower pizza, but I don't think they use cauliflower. I think they use bread That's not cauliflower pizza. No, I know But I halfway through I discovered it and I was like, I'll just pretend it's And then they had these my sister goes they have these great pizza bowls and I was like I think we ordered from a gas station.

It was so bad. So funny. And then I got an IV that day. So I feel like I retained all that water. Yeah. I get two bags. I get dizzy as shit. Holy shit, man.

That's wild. Yeah, I got to trim down too. I think I put on like 10 pounds. was there a part of the shooting of the Was there a part of shooting bad thoughts where you were heavier like one sketch where you're heavy? Yeah What sketch was that what I saw one sketch you looked like fatter than the other sketches Yeah, cuz I shot it three years ago. That's why yeah., okay. Yeah, that was when I shot the Pilot, which was, there was no deal. I just shot it on my own.

And yeah, it's notable. And I kept bringing it up. I was like, should we make like a comment about it? It's that one, it's the coffee one. It is the coffee one. Yeah, that one I'm definitely way bigger. And everyone was like, no. You know how other people are like, no, what do you mean?

I'm like, you don't think people will notice? And they're like, no. I'm like, people are like, no, what do you mean? I'm like, you don't think people will notice? And they're like, no. I'm like, how can they not notice? I'm 40 pounds heavier. And they're like, I don't think anyone will notice. Was Jinx Buy Me A Coke written in the script? Yes. But the last line was improv.

What was that, which one? The last line is, she goes, you killed three people. I go, I know, I'm exhausted. And then I go, I don't know how you guys do it. Yeah, that was great. That was great. That was an improv. Yeah.

Well, shit, dude. Congratulations on Bad Thoughts. Thanks, bro. It's fucking awesome. I'm so happy for you. I'm so happy. You've watched me succeed so often. It's so nice to see you succeed.

Thank you. And it's just really a treat to be on your side of the fence. That's pretty cool. And just really watch you shine so often, it's so nice to see you succeed. And it's just really a treat to be on your side of the fence and just really watch you shine. Thanks man, I know you must be just filled with joy. Good luck holding out on drinking on this flight. I hope you can make it. It's not gonna happen, just let go, let go.

Okay, let go, all right. Let go, eight days is good. Eight days is a long time. Eight days is a long time, and then if I don't drink a couple times in Hawaii. You're back on, you're just on it, yeah time and then if I don't drink a couple times in Hawaii, you're back on, you're just on it. Yeah. And then if I don't drink, yeah.

So it's just, all you gotta do is a little bit, you know, Tom, let me tell you something. If you're listening right now and you're thinking about quit drinking, don't, here's the, hold on, here's the theory, here's the deal. Just do better today than you did yesterday. That's it. That's all you gotta do. Do better today than you did yesterday. And if you have, if you get out of control today, realize you got an easier day coming tomorrow. That's

all you got to live your life. Can I give you the other hint? This is what Leanne did. If you're having a hard time on social media, and you're on social media a lot, right? And you're like, fuck, I wish I could stop it. You know what Leanne's had me do? What? I'm allowed 10 minutes. And when my timer comes up, whatever I was just watching, I got to write a joke about. Oh. Yeah.

It's pretty awesome. It's pretty good. Yeah. Okay. Well, thanks. Thank you guys for watching and listening and please check out Bad Thoughts. It's on Netflix. Please tell your friends and yeah, thank you guys.

And check out Lucky streaming on Netflix right now. Permission to Party World Tour starts in September. In Rockford, Illinois. I will thank you guys. Check out Lucky streaming on Netflix right now. Permission to Party World Tour starts in September. In Rockford, Illinois, I will see you there. We're hitting Red Rocks October 1st. What else, Tommy? Yeah, tour dates, tomscura.com slash tour. I got a full fall schedule and super- If you were ever wondering if Tom casually used the phrase

come a little bit in his tour titles and where does this come from, check out Bad Thoughts. Tom thinks about come a lot. Yeah I guess it's on my mind. Thanks man, love you, have a good trip to Hawaii. Love you buddy. The other wears a shirt, Tom tells stories, and Burt's the machine. There's not a chance in hell that they'll keep it clean. Here's what we call, Two Bears, One Cave.