All Fantasy Everything - Video Game Villains (w/ Mike Drucker)

Episode Date: March 20, 2025

Ian has diarrhea.Guest:Mike Drucker (@mikedruckerisdead)Support the show!Join the All Fantasy Everything Patreon for ad-free episodes, mailbags, and video pre-rolls.Advertise on AFE!Advertise on All Fantasy Everything via Gumball.fm.Follow the Good Vibes Gang on social media:Ian Karmel (@IanKarmel)Sean Jordan (@SeancougarmelonJordan)David Gborie (@Coolguyjokes87)Isaac K. Lee (@IsaacKLee)See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. A-F-E. It's in the game. Welcome to another brand new episode of All Fantasy Everything, the podcast that fantasy drafts everything and anything from the world of popular culture. On today's episode, we are drafting video game villains. Our guest today is comedian television writer. And now we're going to add author to that list of credits. Mike Drucker is here, the author of Good Game. No rematch.

Hello. Hello. Hello. If you hear my voice, it's me. Hello. Hello. I'm your host, Ian Carmel. And with me as always are my good friends and comedians, Sean Jordan and David Borey. Mike Drucker, hello. Mike Drucker, one of the, my favorite joke writer. Really? I'm gonna say it.

Really? I'm gonna say it. That's amazing. Thank you. I remember before I ever had a writing job, I was staying with you maybe in Seattle and you were working on a show, or maybe it was New York. I forget where, it might've been New York.

It might've been New York, yeah. I stayed with you one night. You were working on some show. Might've been Paris or Miami. I can't, who's to say? I think it was, I think you were living in Rabat, Morocco at the time. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Could've been Nepal. Sending jokes in. I remember watching you just like go through the process of writing jokes and they were all so funny. It was awe-inspiring. And I remember that and I remember also some of your vintage video game system collection. Thank you very much. You've become a virtual boy.

Thank you, yeah. And the book, a perfect combination of the two. That's right, that's right. For those of you listening, it is a book about video games where I write basically humiliating stories is a book about video games where I write basically humiliating stories about my life involving video games such as like a Paintball match at Nintendo that went to Rye Which is a real story when I worked at Nintendo they had a paintball match and I was hurt very bad

In the stones they get you an a and B. I mean you're gonna have to buy the book to find out, but the answer is yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

You're right in the power glove. I also do the audio book of it, so, you know, if you, it's like doing six comedy albums in a row basically, so. Oh, dude. I did it for my book last year. It's a long time. It is. It's a book last year. It's a long time. It is.

It's a lot of work. It's a lot of you. Did you have a director? I did, I did. I had a sound guy and a director. Yeah, I had a director too who was just like, do that one again. You're like, how come?

Like it's weird, like in a movie I get it, but they're like, yeah, you didn't say that right. I'm like, I don't know. Ian had Hype Williams do his. I had Hype Williams. The whole thing's in a fish eye somehow. Yeah, it's a fish eye audio format. You can hear it.

Wow, it sounds like that. Early on I emailed the editors and I was like, would it be funny as a bit if we had some of it read by Keith David? And they were like, no, no, we're not going to do that. They were wrong though. They were wrong. They could not have been more wrong.

They were wrong. They were wrong. Can I real quick tell a funny story that happened to me while I was playing an arcade game? Please. It was on this comedy podcast. I don't know if I've ever told you guys, the only time I've ever peed my pants.

So I was at Carousel Skate, I was probably seven, and I was playing Mario Brothers, the arcade game. And I was like, I gotta piss my pants. I know I have to pee, but I didn't wanna give up the quarter. And I stood there, and I pissed my pants while I played the game. What? And then I went in,

and then I went in, and I did the Happy Gilmore years before Happy Gilmore. I just covered my pants, they were stonewashed jeans. I just covered them all in water, and I came back out, and my pants were completely covered in water. But yeah, I just stood there and peed my pants. Wow. Knowing what I was doing, because I didn't wanna give up the quarter.

Maybe not as funny as I thought it was going to be. That was very funny. That was a commitment. It's an interesting story. It was like, yeah. And that's why my marriages stayed together this long, because I commit. Because you don't pee your pants.

Two years, going on three. How, what game was it again? Tell me again. Mario, Mario Brothers. The one where you bop the the turtles not even Super Mario Brothers like Mario bop the Turtle no, you know the original original Mario. Yeah. Yeah power in the middle I don't think I've ever pissed my pants at in a in arcade But I have played that Aerosmith game where you launch CDs and stuff. Yeah

Revolution X Saying that I right off the top my dad you were I love it Hell yeah, this is I mean I it's weird I don't think of myself as a gamer, but it's the main thing I do that's not Spend time with my family or or or right So I would you're still you're still out there boots on the ground. I've been playing this game For like the last year off and on called Crusader Kings 3. Oh my goodness gracious. Yeah. Oh It's like it's like civilization those games but like blown out

more detailed more like more of a time suck than civilization if you can believe it you start neither 867 or like 1066 I think and you like can play a Count a Duke a kit whatever. It's it has swallowed me whole it's insane How much time I spent play I was up until like midnight playing it last night It's it's midnight Well, cuz it's like imagine imagine a game where you could like have an incest baby that becomes Pope Well, that's good. That's like the best you can do you're essentially running these medieval You can do that. I'll go play that game

I've been playing that game. Yeah, dude. The longest game. Um, it's, I've, but I've, yeah, completely fallen into it. Um, but yeah, I still play, I still play sports games, like a lot of those. Uh, but yeah, I'm still, are you guys, David and Sean, you ever game it anymore? Not really. I got, I got NCAA and I play it sometimes. Yeah. But not, not, not, not much not much every every now and again though. I got one of those preloaded Super Nintendo's with like a bunch of Fake games as I mean real games, but also games that where there's like 16 double dragons on it

And I'll still play dr. Mario and turtles in time sometimes which is great, but just honestly just to turn my brain up There's no you know. I'm not doing anything I'm just playing Dark Mario. Mike do you know this about Sean? He was briefly the greatest Dr. Mario player. So the story as goes. I watched the King of Kong and I saw that I emailed Walter whatever the guy's name, Walter something. He's the guy that ran Twin Galaxies at the time. And I was like, what's the world record for Dr. Mario? And he told me, or I looked it up, I can't remember,

but I beat it. I was just sitting and beat it by myself. And then I asked him, how do I get the record? And he said, you had to tape VHS and you could only take like one or two 30 second breaks. And the time that I beat it, it took me like six or seven hours. So I never actually recorded it, but I did beat it.

It just was never official. And I think I still- And that's not the time you pissed yourself. No, that's not. Yeah. Yeah. That was when I was casually in public playing Mario Brothers in public, mind you, in public.

Yeah. Peed my pants on purpose. Dr. Mario on my own couch, could have pissed all over the place, didn't do it. Oh boy. I'm still the best Dr. Mario player anybody listening knows, by the way. I don't doubt that.

That's probably true, cause like. Yeah. Oh well thanks guys, thanks for the compliment. What? I don't know what you fucking want. We're agreeing with you. I want some Falconer. It's like a thing people don't really do anymore.

You know, it's like that. I want some oomph in your voice. I make the best marmalade. Right. Well, you probably don't. If there's a listener who loves Dr. Mario, I will pay you $50 if you can beat him. Ooh.

I'll put 50 on that too. That's 100 on your head now. Now there's a bounty. Drive your hostess truck down to New Orleans and see what time it is. A bounty on the Jordan. Well, hell yeah. So we're all, but as kids, everybody was too, yeah, of course.

Madden all day. Yeah. Dude. We're drafting here. Oh, well, I guess let's meet the players, folks. Sean Ashordan is here. Yeah, I'm on boost. Sean Cooner-Mellon Jordan on Instagram. I keep calling, I guess let's meet the players, folks. Sean S. Jordan is here. Yeah, I'm on. Sean Cooner-Mel and Jordan on Instagram.

I keep calling, now that you're not on Twitter, I'm just calling you Sean S. Jordan, which is not your name. Your name is Sean Patrick Jordan. Yay, I appreciate it. Yeah, he's cheesy. Ian George Carmel. That's right.

Yeah, geez. Wow. I got nervous for a second there. David Big Ticket Borey. Yeah. We all got our middle names. BTG. Yeah. Mike Ice Road Drucker. Yeah. Look at him. BTG. Yeah.

Mike Ice Road Drucker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's it. Before the show weirdly. Before the show. That was some stuff you did in your personal life. The Ice Road. Come see me in Fort Collins last weekend in March.

I will be there. There's four shows. The shows are at six and 8.30. Do that more, comedy clubs, do that more. That is what, I'll be off work by 10 o'clock. Oh, anyway, that's not why you're gonna come see the show because I'll be done early. Come to the shows in Fort Collins,

then come see us in New Orleans. It's going to be a hoot holler. And a half. And a half. David Borey is cool guy jokes 87 on Instagram Birth of a nation now on patreon starts with you. That's it. Come see me April 5th and 6th in Rapid City, South Dakota and then April 25th and 26th in Dallas at the Dallas Comedy Club That's what I am

Mike Drucker is here. I am here. I forgot to have a list of where I'm going, but I do know I have a book event on May 5th in LA at Book Soup. That's going to be moderated by Adam Conover, so if you're interested in video games and big old fucking nerds.

Are you not afraid he's going to ruin it? Well, I was friends with him before he ruined things, so I get pretty ruining at him. Your grandfather did, your grandfather did. A grandfather did not being ruined. What if he just comes in and like picks your book apart and you're like, it's the riding the frog in the scorpion? Is that the thing?

What's the Shakespeare story? What's the one, is it King Midas, everything touched turned to gold? Maybe it's not Shakespeare, but that's the one the the King is a King Midas everything touched turned to gold Maybe it's not Shakespeare, but he just that's his ruins everything. Yeah Isaac not it out. It's not Shakespeare. That's okay, dude. I said cut it out Don't cut it out Isaac. He doesn't hear he doesn't listen. Anyways, we established it last I didn't know that Ian was sick. Everybody listening Ian was sick two weeks ago and Isaac didn't know and we talked about it four times Listen, I was answering some annoying emails about my taxes.

And I feel like that's a good enough excuse. Say that like there was some more information coming in. What did you see to point out? The cadence of your speech. Yeah, the cadence of my speech did not conclude. I realized that. It's been a messy morning. Daylight Savings was yesterday. It has been a messy morning daylight savings was yesterday

We're recording if people don't know we recorded the SNL one and this one back to back and I had my own messy morning guys I mean you didn't know about it Ian shit all over the bathroom. I did In the toilet you're good or even the top yeah, yeah top toilet if that grosses you out. I'm sorry Well, Ian's got a carpeted bathroom though but you're good. Or even the tub. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. If that grosses you out, I'm sorry. Well, Ian's got a carpeted bathroom though. Yeah. Whole house is carpeted. Have you ever seen a carpeted bathroom like this?

Yes, yeah, yes. That's on the Midwest thing. That's crazy. Yeah. Crazy. Wet carpet. I did not know what to do. The first time I went in one, my cousin had one.

And I went in and I... You got your bottle over it? No, no it felt like like I almost because I was like maybe I want to say eight or nine and so I was so afraid that I was going to like pee and then like leak onto the carpet so I had this weird childhood anxiety whereas like I'm gonna ruin this entire bathroom if I'm not super careful with how I think yeah I didn't think to sit I could have just careful with how I pee. Yeah, you just lay it across the toilet. I didn't think to sit. I could have just done that, but I didn't think of that. Or put it in the tub.

Yeah, or put it in the tub. I'll pee in the tub. Stand on the top of the toilet and let it fall. I'll pee in the tub just to give myself a different outlook on the day sometimes. Yeah. It's like a big fair. I treat it like I'm at the county fair.

Yeah. You know how like, Sean, you can probably relate to this when you're like a skater, like the whole world looks like a skate park to you, right? Where you're like, You're a bathroom guy? To you that's just a bench, but for me that's something I could, you know,

To me it's a toilet. You don't need to trick off. To you that's just a guy sleeping on a park bench. To me that's a place to pee. Yeah, yeah, to me that's a toilet. Bathtubs, guys you're like I'm like a skater guy skater boy. Yeah. Yeah, but I'm not gonna say see you later boy. I'm gonna say Mike tell people about your book one more time. We already did. I'm sorry

It's called Game No Rematch. Good Game No Rematch. Yes, it's it's fun. I said it's fun. That's the worst sales pitch ever. It's fun. You got me right. You only wrote one copy and it's for sale for $35,000. Right. And I've already seen my executive. No, it's fun. And there's like a ton of Ian, I think you'd enjoy the stories about sports particularly because it's about how I Have I have a weird relationship with my dad with sports where it I don't really I I like sports in the sense Where if you ask me to go to a game, I'll go to a game with you

But I don't follow it closely. Yeah, my dad's a big fan of it, but it was never like a my son's not into sports He must be a pussy It was almost like he was disappointed in himself that he did that I wasn't like it was almost like it was never like a my son's not into sports. He must be a pussy It was almost like he was disappointed in himself that he didn't that I wasn't like it was almost like it was more like my Son's not into sports. Am I a pussy? Yeah Kind of like he wasn't a great steward he felt like he did the Marcus Aurelius I have failed you as a father type thing exactly exactly exactly so we talked about me like bringing a Gameboy to Miami Dolphins games and And also my brother is amazing at sports games,

so there's a chapter about him just fucking me up. Nice. I'm a little bit of Mike's brother when it comes to sports games. I don't mind saying it. Yeah, you're a Dan Drucker. I'm a Dan Drucker. People have been calling me Dan Ice Road Drucker

for a long time, before he was born, actually. Yeah. My name is Ian Carmel. Do you have anything else you'd like to point people towards? You can find me online on Blue Sky and Twitter at Mike Drucker and then everything else like Instagram and TikTok at Mike Drucker is dead. I misidentified you as a first time author earlier.

This is not actually your first book. You've written books about video, that like kind of that 33 and a third series, but about video games before, right? Yeah. I wrote a sort of like little academic book about Silent Hill 2 for this series called Boss Fight Books where just like you said, it's 33 and a third

where people write individual small books about individual albums. This is for video games. And I did Silent Hill 2. Yeah, it was actually, I thought nobody would read it. It was almost like me just using my graduate degree for one time in my life and Actually, like I still I will have people that are like I read that book and it really changed how I saw the game And I'm like, oh

Okay, that's cool. That's cool. That's amazing So yeah, yeah, it's still available. Please buy it. I still get paid when people buy copies. Nice. Oh yeah. Oh yeah. My name is Ian Carmel, at Ian Carmel across blue sky, TikTok, Instagram, IK Cool Jew on YouTube,

where I'll be posting more standup soonish. What else? Buy my book, T-Shirt Swim Club, and come see us in New Orleans. If you're in the Macon- May 8th, 9th, and 10th, by the way. I think we- Those are the days. Yeah, those are the days.

We're performing on the 9th and 10th, right? The 9th and 10th, yeah. Yeah, we'll be there 8th, 9th, and 10th if you just wanna see us eating beignets. I'll be there the day before I get an orignia. Me too. If you're in Macon, Georgia on the 28th of March, I'm going to be performing standup comedy

at the attempt to break the world record for most kazoos played at the same time. Wait, you're gonna have to walk us through that, I think. Are you? We talked about this the other day, I didn't know. A few very nice, the people who set it up are, listen to All Fantasy Everything, are wonderful people, Aaron Buzza, and then I am blanking now on the dude

on the radio, I just did the radio show. I'm so sorry. Oh, I talked to Aaron on Instagram sometime. What's up, Aaron? Yeah. But I'm blowing it. Let me see if I can find this guy's name. Anyways.

What's Kazooz? Yeah. Creekside Mornings is the name of the show. Hold on, I'm gonna have it did you guys did you have a case a kazoo meeting about it it was a phone call but the kazoo apparently was invented in Macon Georgia and they are still stuck on Kazoo. I wanna put a pen on your desk like it's a beautiful mind. The Kazoo was invented and made in Georgia! And they are, I think like, it's, I love it.

It's an attempt to like get a bunch of people together and do something fun, which I think is sorely needed in times like this. And it's completely absurd and silly. And the only thing sillier is the idea of having a stand-up comedian then go up in a room where everyone in the crowd has a kazoo. I'm gonna do my best. I'm gonna do my best. I feel like it's gonna sound like the World Cup

that was played in South Africa where everyone had a vuvuzela. So it's gonna be me trying to shout stand-up over it. Bring a vuvuzela. Real question. It's gonna be me trying to shout stand up over it. Bring a vuvuzela. Are you gonna wear ear protection? Do you need ear protection for something like that? I don't think so. That's a great question.

It will sound like a World War I bombing run with all those like vuvuzelas. Crazy. Yeah. It's gonna sound nuts. Anyway, come see me do that. Come see us in New Orleans. That's about it for me, folks. Oh, Portland, be on the lookout for some shows.

June 13th and 14th, I'm just telling you right now, there aren't even any tickets on sale. I'm gonna be up there doing some all new material, exclusively like trying out new material shows at a very small venue To keep your eye out for that. It's gonna be really fun. My baby the nets John Jordan's gonna be there for one of the nights. I was gonna hint towards it. Oh, sorry later Lay it out. I didn't want to pot commit you

Fuck shit hell Could I add one more thing? Is there a cuss word? No, no, no, no one more thing? Cocks. Is there a cuss word? No, no, no, no, no. One more thing I'm doing. No, then frankly no. I'd rather you didn't. Oh, oh, it's fine then.

Do you want to say a cuss word? Uh, uh, shit. All right, nice. Now you may ask. Yeah, I fit in with the guys. I'm trying to use you. That's a good one. Cool, cool.

You're not so bad, Mike Drucker. I actually weirdly, just as a fun thing, set up a signing in Florida in Coral Springs at the Barnes and Noble I grew up with. Oh, nice. So if you actually, if you're in the South Florida region, you wanna come out, get a signed copy, and just say hi, I will be, that is, April 18th at the Coral Springs Barnes and Noble,

which is the one I spent half of my childhood in. Dude, Barnes and Noble was so, did it have a Starbucks in it? Not until later, they added one later. Oh. But this was pre, this was, I mean, I remember full on shares in classical music, Barnes and Noble.

I do too. Well, ours was a chair, there was like, I don't know if they were the same company or whatever, if they had a corporate relationship, but there was a Starbucks kind of attached, but not inside the Barnes and Noble. Yeah, yeah. There was like an own Starbucks

and then they had like a way you could get in, but it was chairs, classical music. So like that was grade school, middle school, high school. Exactly. That was like the place to hang out. Yeah. Barnes and Noble. Kind of on its way back.

Thankfully, yeah. Yeah. Kind of the underdog. Yeah. It's like the only thing at the Lloyd Center right now. It's holding together a whole mall in Portland. If they like people go, it's full of kids. It's pretty amazing.

If they made a, you've got mail about like in this year, then Barnes and Noble would be the shop around the corner. It's pretty funny. Absolutely. But we're, we're not here to talk about Barnes and Noble would be the shop around the corner. It's pretty funny. Absolutely. But we're not here to talk about Barnes and Noble. Instead, we're here to fantasy draft video game villains. Mike's book is about video games. It's about him, it's about video games.

Hence the on-theme topic. Now, the way we've determined the order of this draft is through a rollicking game of rock, paper, scissors, play between the three of you, and we throw and shoot. All right, here we go. Rock, paper, scissors, shoot! Oh, was it Mike Wynn?

Scissors against two paper? There is Drucker. This is, I made this pick because we're all comedians, but I would say Kefka from Final. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You just jumped right into it. I just jumped right in, I did it wrong, I did it wrong. Oh God. pick because we're all we're all comedians but I would say Kefka from I'm so sorry cuz you're going in like I don't know what a serpentine draft is and you fucking crash into a ditch I might have just harmed a pregnant listener. It's absolutely. Oh my god. I'm so sorry Most of our listeners are pregnant that baby comes out bald. It is my fault or or about to become pregnant That's a text I'm having to say. Yeah, or if you have a medium the severe plaques psoriasis

Those people have been affected by that if can see for it if you worked on the Queen Mary from 1942 to 1948 you might have messed with the I'll you know So you have to determine the order of the draft so before you do that Mike I gotta tell you it's a serpentine draft bubble right right of course Yeah, which which I means that we go down the line and then the last person goes twice and then we go in the reverse order Okay Save the day, but it's got to be right That one off the list that's nice Basically if you pick fourth in the first you pick first in the second round now Mike before you get to your what I Imagine it's going to be the first pick. Yeah, what will the order of the draft be? What will be the ensuing picks after that?

I will say Me Sean David Me Sean David and you can shut the fuck up this one. Ian you can sit out I'm gonna sit down. I might have to leave a couple times. I thought you can shit out of this one I thought I very you're on fire today, dude. I'm gonna go. It's because I put pants on. I'll shit it out and join a Kazoo meeting while I'm at it.

Mike Drucker, you have the first pick in the video game villains All Fantasy Everything Draft, and if you can believe it, there's still one other thing that has to happen first. A short break, we'll be right back. This episode of All Fantasy Everything That's another thing that has to happen first. A prizes with DraftKings Pick 6. When it comes to massive payouts, DraftKings dunks all over the competition baby. Pick 6 is available in most states including Missouri, California, Texas, Georgia and more.

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Welcome back to ALLFANT to all fantasy everything already in progress This is the only podcast that has ever existed congratulations. You found it Mike rockers time for you to draft a video game villain All right Like I was like I like I almost said before I was so rudely interrupted because I had rudely interrupted you guys I am gonna go with Kefka from Final Fantasy 6. And my reasoning being is that he is a he's like a he's a big villain who wants to cause this giant magical empire to fall. That's not important.

What matters is that he is a badly dressed person who tells terrible jokes, kind of like the Joker, but actually more like what we're familiar with at like open mics where you like meet a guy who's just very angry at everything. Yeah. Dresses in like a suit that's from like 1978 and just tells the worst. They're like meme jokes, but they're not funny. So there's really nothing to them. And that's what that character represents to me.

That's a dude who like so important. Sometimes those guys you're like, that dude's wearing a cravat. Yeah. Like, they like definitely consider themselves philosophers, right? A little bit, some of those guys. Oh my God. Just gonna take all of us to school real quick.

We don't know anything and they're just gonna bless us with some nuggets and make them hilarious while they do it. Now, I am not a Final Fantasy player. Never played one. Not even seven, not even the big dog. I didn't even play that. But I'm looking up Kefka Palazzo right now, so he's an Italian guy.

And he is kind of a clownish looking. Clown, right? Like a jestery clown guy? Like he looks like a- That is not, he looks like a Juggalo. Like the mask in Venice. Throw it in the chat, big boy. Let me see this juggalo.

Like clown like guy and juggalo also describe people we've met at open mics. Yeah, that's true. Yeah, yeah, yeah. 100%. My first open mic. That's what he would have been like. Juggalos hosted by clown guy and juggalo.

Yeah. That's a big t-shirt on that comedian. Where did Final Fantasy start? What was the console that it started on did Final Fantasy start? What was there? What was the console that it started first fantasy? It started on it was just called fantasy Mariah Carey. It's actually yeah It was I believe it Fun fact I actually believe it was called called Final Fantasy because the company square Was not doing that great and this was like their like blast swing of a game so

it was like their Final Fantasy I believe that might be apocryphal but I believe that's true but it started on the Famicom which is the what we call the Nintendo Entertainment System so it started on the old Nintendo and then they just kept making entries for it until Final Fantasy 7 they switched to PlayStation for a while and then now everyone gets them. Let me uh we back up just for a second. What do you call the original Nintendo Entertainment System? The one in Japan was called the Famicom.

I've never heard that. Yeah. I didn't know which was short for family computer. Interesting. Every other territory, it was called and it was just endo entertainment system. OK, so it was it was the same thing that I would know as a Nintendo. They just called it Famicom. It's the same thing, you would know as a Nintendo. They just called it Famicom. It's the same thing you'd know. They shaped it differently,

and there's some minor differences, I think, in the fucking sound chip for some reason, but otherwise it's the same exact system. There's actual adapters you can get to make the cartridge from one country work in another. I'm gonna tell you this. It does look different, that's crazy. This, and I will try to give you credit,

when I act like I knew this, and I didn't know it until now. This is gonna come up in a conversation in a month at some point, and I will try to give you credit when I act like I knew this and I didn't know it until now. Like this is gonna come up in a conversation in a month at some point and I'm gonna say it and I'm just gonna act like I already knew it. We might bring it up to each other. Like it's our idea. That might be a thing that happens. In New Orleans I'll wait till about one in the morning

and I'll be like, you know it's called Famicom, right? I'll just bring it up to one of these two. What is that short for? And I'll be like like Family Communication Center? No, almost, yep. No, almost. Family Communication? By the way, there's definitely at least one listener

who's mad at me. There's at least one listener who's mad at me for getting like one detail wrong in this. Yeah, the chip wasn't different. It wasn't the sound chip, it was the processor. Nintendo is also a, it's a conjunction of two words. It's for nine tendos. Of course, which is nine chicken tenders.

Right. Yeah, let me get the only thing more fun. Let me get nine tendos. Nine chicken tenders. The original business model was nine chicken tenders. They started as a chicken tender company. I don't like how Yamaha used to make pianos, you know? A lot of people were like all this stuff. That came up like two episodes ago,

the Yamaha piano thing. Yeah, I got like three things right now. What have you been looking at? What have you been digging around on the internet? Don't worry about what kind of Yamaha related material I want to do, dude. You get a jet ski, you're gonna learn how to tickle the ivories, what are you doing?

Why don't you Yamaha-ind your own business? Oh, why don't you eat my fucking ass, all right? Well, okay? Wow. Isaac, cut out what Ian said. Isaac, cut out what Ian said. Isaac, cut out what Ian said. Isaac, cut out what Ian said. Isaac, cut out what Ian said.

Kefka, dude. Kefka, dude. Franz Joseph Kefka. Franz Joseph Kefka. Franz Joseph Kefka. Franz Joseph Kefka. Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6.

Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Is 7, what's your favorite Final Fantasy? Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Final Fantasy 6. Is 7, what's your favorite Final Fantasy? I mean, I think for nostalgia 7, I think Final Fantasy 12 is probably the most fun one,

in my opinion. And Final Fantasy 5 is also one of the more fun ones. But in terms of like just emotional appeal, Final Fantasy 7. Would you refer to yourself as a chocobro? You know what I will from now on. I've been looking- All right, nice. I don't have any tattoos and I've been looking for one. So I think I might have found it.

Chocobro. It's a chocobo wearing a sublime T-shirt. Did Wiz Khalifa have any songs in Final Fantasy? No, but Florence and the Machine was so funny. What? Yeah. Florence and the Machine has the opening song in Final Fantasy 15. I think it's a cover of Stand By Me Okay, okay, by the way, that's true, but I could lie and you guys would believe me. Yeah Yeah, we're in your hands. Yeah, you'd be like Roy Orbison's ghost came back to record the

They used to be called floricom in the machine, but then they switched it when they got to the state. You're on fire today,. There's no two ways about it. You're just frankly on fire today. This is your web episode. It's because I'm gonna have a bad draft, I think, is what I'm making. Oh, well. My brain is making up for it. Well, let's see. Sean Jordan.

Is it me? I thought it was David. Oh, it's me? Okay. Goro, dude. Oh, good call, good call. I mean, I know, was that gonna be your first pick Ian? Well yeah, cause I got a story.

You know my story. Are you Goro? I'm Goro dude. Whoa. Yeah, we changed our names. You were a bigger dude, so that makes sense. His last name is Carmel. Yeah.

It's only, he's a pwnimus in the video again, but yeah, Goro Carmel. Goro's the only villain that ever like actually scared me, but Ian go ahead and throw it up. People talk about the 200 pounds you lost, nobody talks about the four arms. No. I mean, that's like, which by the way,

was like 50 of those pounds, yeah. Well, you had two really big arms and then the other two like modest arms. Yeah, I also don't do the little ponytail anymore and that throws a lot of people off. That took a while to go though. The arms first and then you let the ponytail go like a year later.

Goro, I went to go see the Mortal Kombat movie and forgive me if you've heard this before. And with my stepbrother took me and I forget how old I was. We determined because it was in theaters, Mortal Kombat movie. Yeah, so that would have been 94, five. Five. Yeah, five, yeah.

So I was 11. Yeah, right in the pocket. Which is older than I like to think this would have happened at. But we went to go see the movie, and Goro came out, and I was like, gotta go, can't do it. Can't do it. Cannot be in the theater when that guy's here.

That is too scary. I got up and walked out of the theater. I made him leave. He was pissed, because he was like 13, which is like the perfect age. He was waiting for, he went for Goro. He was waiting for Goro. And...

And Henry David Goro. Henry David Goro. And he had to leave him, And uh... Henry David Gourault. Henry David Gourault! Um... And he had to leave and my mom had to come pick me up because I was too afraid of Gourault, dude. And this was pre-cell phone day so I'm not even

really sure how we got a hold of her. You had to hit the pay phone. Were you outside just being like... She thought she had two free hours. No, no, no, no, no. You're just asking strangers like, Goro's not real, right? And they're like, oh, fuck it, bye. And he asked me like, you know Mortal Kombat?

They're going to see Sleepless in Seattle and they're like, I don't care about Goro, dude. I don't wanna date you. 50, I was born in the 40s. I don't know about any of this stuff. I don't like video games. I was in a war. Yeah, Goro's scary, dude. Look up Goro, he is scary.

I mean, in the video game for sure, for multiple reasons. He was so hard to beat, and so that was scary. You get to Goro, and you know it's gonna be an issue. And he was just so much bigger. When you get past Goro, the main main bad, the villain in Mortal Kombat, I won't say the name, but he's your size, so it's not as scary, even though he's quicker.

But Goro, you're just like, I can't. What am I supposed to do? So. Yeah, man. Oh, I get that. And like, you know, I think what also adds to him being scary in the game a little bit is that because in the first game they're all

photographed actors and He was done as a stop motion character. So he has that weird creepy stop motion like sort of feel to him. He looks like he's in a Marilyn Manson video or something. His face is scary, his hair is scary. Yeah, exactly. You know there was an inspiration for Goro and the game designer like whoever played it and they're like shit. That's me. I bet you Jason was thinking of me when he designed this.

For who the inspiration for Goro? I bet if you're a dude who looks even a little bit like Goro, you're stoked that they based Goro on you. Yeah. You're represented. You were never represented with that haircut. You got a balding ponytail and you're jacked. He was probably like a weightlifting metal dude

who was also into video games. Yeah. Yeah. Also, Ian, I just realized that you might've walked out of the Goro scene, like one Goro scene before Johnny Cage punches him in the nuts. I think there's a scene in the movie, I haven't seen the movie in a while, but I think there's a scene in the movie

where Johnny Cage punches him in the nuts and he's like, rawr! Yes. I missed it in the theaters. Goro, no! I did it. I like, Roar! Yes. I missed it in the theaters. Gourmet! Gourmet! I did it. I did it.

How many balls do you think he has? I don't feel bad about it. He's gotta have eight. I said Gourmet. Why does he have to be eight? I don't think he's two. Everybody knows you have the same number of balls as arms, so he's got four balls.

Yeah. And they're like medicine balls. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. Everybody knows that. I later saw it, I later saw it. I got over my fear, exposure therapy style. What if Goro just has a dick? That's what's cracking you up?

That's what's killing you right now? Oh! Yeah! Yeah! Yeah, I guess we could plan for that contingency too. Yeah, oh no. We should definitely be ready. My life will change greatly.

We should be ready in case that's the case. I don't like. We need a plan B. Yeah. I just come in on papers flying everywhere, he doesn't have testicles. I don't know what to do. We need to abort the mission, man. We need to abort the mission.

There's no way we can do it. He's just got a fifth arm down there. what to do. Just. We need to abort the mission, man. We need to abort the mission. There's no way we can do it. He's just got a fifth arm down there. That just sounds like you're like him. Oh. Yeah. Sounds like an idea factor.

We can't release this until we copyright it. No, definitely. Isaac, will you copyright this? Oh, man. Not here, dude. Isaac is not. Oh, it's copyrighted. There he is!

I was just there at the office filing the copyright. You're the best in the business, Iceman. You sure you weren't just at the office filing the copyright? For himself? Is that what you're saying? More to be said. I was trying to make it sound like he was gonna say more

after he did it. You're a big ball hitter, you know what I mean? You take big cuts, dude. And when you connect. Sean's laughing cause of Goro again, not having balls. Yeah. I just wanted to let connect. Sean's laughing cause of Goro again, not having balls. Yeah. I just wanted to let you know that's what happened there. He has 16 testicles and no dick.

I heard motherfucker like had 10 goddamn dicks. That's a Brad Neely, George Washington reference. We're all having a great time. David Boring, it's time for your first pick. My first pick, this is the first one that came to my mind. It's the first bad guy I remember being able to beat consistently. You look like a bad guy, by the way. A shadow, oh yeah.

Mr. Bigglesworth? A shadowy figure that we never really knew that much about. I'm taking M. Bison. Oh yeah, dude! Just the bad guy's bad guy to me. Because there were like all those guys that were bad guys, right, like Saga and Dawson. But like M. Bison was like the scariest.

He dressed like a weird Michael Jackson kind of situation. Or maybe he just had those shoulder pads. In his history era kind of thing? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He looked like he was in the Rhythm Nation video. Cause he's wearing the metal shim guards too. Yeah, yeah. And he just was like, he had the psycho power

or something like that. He was the leader of all the bad guys in that. Probably the only villain in this draft who will have been portrayed by Raul Julia, too. Yeah, yeah. On his way out, man, right before he punched the ticket, he had to. Yeah, he punched him. He punched Gile right before he punched the ticket.

What does the M stand for? Well, fun fact. Michelle, here's here's another useless fact. He was, I believe, and this I'm almost certain of this, but please double check this. In Japan, he's called Ballrog and- Vega. And Ballrog, the boxer guy is called M. Bison. And that's too similar to M. Tyson,

which is what they were implying, but in America, that probably would have got them sued, or at least like some sort of weird thing. So they swapped the names. Look at our faces. I'm never going to fact check that. I'm fucked up about that. I want that to be true. Never going to check it. Like, like, but, but I'm,

I'm relatively sure that's why they call him M Bison because, uh, like Balrog is, like, you know, a big evil character. A big demon. Exactly. But so he became M. Bison. And I think that might have been retconned to all territories. I'm not sure, but it definitely happened in the West. And if I'm wrong about that, I apologize.

It sounds so right that I don't care to know that it's not. It's so weird it has to be right. If it's wrong, nobody tell me. However, the kind of people who would know that that's wrong are the kind of people who will tell us. Sure. And we welcome it, love you, and celebrate it. Yes, and I'll take the information.

But technically, all of them, I'll kiss you. It stands for Mike, so that man in the evil costume you're fighting is named like Mike Bison. Mike Bison? Mike Bison! No wonder they were worried it was gonna be too close to Mike Tyson, it's Mike Bison. Mike Bison? Mike Bison! No wonder they were worried it was gonna be too close to Mike Tyson, it's Mike Bison. They didn't even try.

They even tried. They didn't try. Yeah, he was always, yeah, that was always like, I could beat him, Bison. I remember telling kids that. Yeah. And in the later games, they had Evander Molyfield too, and he was tough to beat.

Manix Bluess. Manix Bluess, Evander Molyfield, Mike Bison, yeah dude. Custer Muggles? Custer Muggles? George Foreman? Who's Custer Muggles named after? Buster Douglas, dude. Oh, I did not make that connection, and I just thought it was like a great name. Yeah Must be ugly muster buster. Douglas is the fun is definitely more of an our gang character like a little rascal than a

Buster Douglas Buster Douglas booster Mike Bison did great pick Mike Bison the third And there's probably an HVAC guy out there named Mike Bison listening dude, great pick. Mike Bison, the third. Man, there's probably an HVAC guy out there named Mike Bison listening right now. Shout out, Mike. Definitely. Dude, thank you for putting in the hours, HVAC guys. We need you now more than ever.

Seriously. That, yeah, that's, I remember, the AC went out and the heat went out when it was so important and HVAC showed up. So thanks, HVAC. With my first- Isaac, make that. I was gonna say make that echo. Isaac make a clap.

Okay. Make a clap. Make a clap. Does that reference not carry water for you? Is that what you're saying? No it doesn't. I think he's thinking about clapping booty cheeks not the song.

Yeah I'm sorry. That's where my brain goes to. He thought you were talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about?

Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about?

Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Is that what you're talking about? Go do your taxes. Stop making me feel 90 years old. Go do your taxes. Why don't you guys quit skateboarding on my property and go do some taxes. Go do your taxes. I gotta go.

With the first pick, I think you'll grant me the luxury of just going super basic. If's if that's okay, I'm going basic everyone. Yeah, I'd be me too But as someone who I think ocarina of time You know is probably like one of these seminal video games for me. I do have to take Ganon. Yeah Aka Ganon Dorff dude, if you want to go full name. His last name is Dorf, right? Stephen Dorf, Ganondorf. But both great in everything I have seen them in. They're both, yeah, you're always happy that the Dorf brothers show up.

I've only seen Blade. Stephen Dorf catches way too many strays for what he's supposed to be doing. He's fine. How many strays does he catch? Everybody's ripping on Stephen Dorff, dude. You don't live in Portland, it's different up here. Everybody hates, they hate Stephen Dorff up here.

At the Clackamas Town Center, all I do, is here's a kid about homeless Stephen Dorff fan. It's all they do, people, kids stop me at the food court and they're like, get out of here, Dorff lover. They say it all the time. Wow. You need to address, you need to address what's going on in Portland, because it is a mess.

Yeah, that is crazy. I was like, you kids, be quiet. I'm gonna go piss my pants at the arcade. This never happened when I lived there. That's what I'm gonna say. Steven Dorff was roundly respected when I was still there. They loved it, man. Dude, when Mike's Gravity was up in Seattle,

you think anyone's gonna crossword about Steven Dorff? Absolutely the fuck not. Yeah, I'm not as tough as you, man. I only got the two arms that was When I used to the way people use regular arms over the other two I held them Stephen Dorff Nobody talk shit to the forearm guy at the mall That's the last person you want to be on the- hold the four different movie tickets. Four arms, two hips.

Oh man. What are you doing? I can't even name one other movie that dude's been in. The crying video. Really? I don't even know if that is. Yeah, and he was in Entourage too. Crying.

If he was, and he was. So, Ganon dude, Zelda's, the bane of Hyrule, Zelda's main recurring sort of bad dude. He's just a bad guy. I hate him. I hate his guts. I don't want him around my kid. No. No. I wouldn't. No.

That's it. Named after former Raiders quarterback Rich Gannon, I believe. Is that true? Mike, can you verify that? That I actually don't know. That I do not know a lot of Gannon lore, unfortunately. Well, Gannon is based on Zelda Fitzgerald, and Gannon's band... And Zelda's based on Rich Ganon,

so in America they had to swap the two. They had to swap the two. This is what happened there. But you know, in the game series, he's part of this group of people called the Gerudo that are almost entirely women, but they give birth to a man like every generation. And so he's supposed to be this like chosen one,

but then he turns evil. Yeah, Damien Gerudo and then Gerudo. And those are the two Gerudos. Right, Al Gerudo. Al Gerudo. Also, if you're listening and I got that wrong, that was Sean Jordan. Yeah, that was Sean. Hit him up.

Jason Gerudo. Uh, he was just a bad, Jason Gerudo. Jason Gerudo. He was just a bad dude. You know, if you played, if you played video games, you know about Ganon. I don't need to tell you about him. Is Ganon scary looking?

Yeah, pretty scary. He is, okay. Scary. And he has different forms. He has like a big old form and he has a, and he's just imposing as a guy. Yeah, he's intimidating, he's cool. He's intimidating.

You wanna talk to him. Yeah. You don't wanna sound stupid around him, that's for sure. He like, he wears a leather jacket, then you go buy that same leather jacket and you put it on and you're like, how did he pull this off? I don't look like Gannon. Why don't I look like Gannon? It sucks. You're like we're both at the governor's ball So I feel like we're equals in some way, right? But like that dude has that like Lauren Lauren walks over to Gannon's table and leans down like it's that yeah They did not nobody talked to me at the governor's ball. Yeah, I just sat there.

By the way, fun fact, once when I was at Fallon, I happened to be at the same, I was just having- Jimmy Fallon. Jimmy Fallon when I was on The Tonight Show. The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon. And- How you did it? I was eating dinner at a restaurant near there,

near Rockefeller Center with a friend of mine, and I got up and I saw Jimmy at a table, and I was about, and I was early on in the show, it was my first or second week, and I was about to be like, oh, hey, and then I turned my head and he was with Lorne Michaels and Chris Rock, and I Homer Simpson sideways,

like just Homer Simpson to the side to get away from them as fast as I could, realizing I was about to get myself just fired from my first job. Launched into the sun. Yeah. All I needed to do was interrupt a Lord Michael's dinner. Yeah. Ganon. My second pick. It's a great story. I feel like I didn't do that story justice.

It was genuinely a great story. And then I just didn't sell it at the end and I shifted right into another pic I just want to take personal responsibility for that right now, but also highlight that I enjoyed the story It was a great story. Yeah, I also enjoyed it. Yeah say so we all So say we is that cat sleeping on your shoulder now David. No, she never sleeps She just looks at other shit. Uh huh. She is looking at other shit.

I'm taking Micah Bell from Red Dead Redemption 2. Oh, good call, good call. One of the... Again, I play a lot of sports games. I play a lot of simulators. But as far as a game with a through line and a story that I've played recently, this one, oh my God, it's so good. The Red Dead Redemption games are amazing.

He's like the main bad dude in the second one. And it's like a movie, I know this happens more and more in video games now, but it is like you're playing a movie. And by the end, you just hate this motherfucker so much. And I'm not gonna spoil the ending of Red Dead, because it's, you should play it. If you haven't played it, you should play it. But it's a...

What's he look like? Brother, I'm 24 minutes into the first one. Are you really, dude? Not more than 24 minutes, but yeah, yeah, yeah. Micah Bell looks a little bit like, who's your boy from The Walking Dead? Rick Grimes? Oh, Negan?

Slap that's giggle bit? The zombie? I'm trying to think of what he looks like. He looks a little bit like, he's got long hair. Negan's old boy with the spike bat. Oh, Norman Reedus, what, Darryl, right? Darryl Dixon? That's the one, dude. Yeah, he looks a little bit like Norman Reedus.

By the way, by the way, only my boy because I watched the most Walking Dead out of probably the four of us, but I'm not like a Walking Dead guy. You're a bad Walking Dead guy. I went to his restaurant once. Norman Eadis? Is that what it's called?

Is it called Norman Eadis? I don't remember, but it's in Chattanooga. Mike. Yes, sir. Did you hear what I said? Is Norman Reedus' restaurant called Norman Eadis? You know what, I did not hear that, and you know what I said is Norman Reedus's restaurant called Norman Edis? You know what? I did not hear that and you know what I'm gonna say. I ain't got a lot of say a plus Thank you very much. Yeah, I praise from a man. I respect a man

Getting the giggles out of me isn't it doesn't give you your fix anymore. They're too easy to get Nah, nah, you're my wife, he's the mistress, you know? Oh, I'm the mistress? I kinda like that, that's nice. Yeah, but he's coming home to me, Drucker. You're willing to risk it all, cause I'm so fun. That's right. Do whatever you do in the mud,

and then he's coming home to sleep on the silk sheets. I might blow up your life, but in the moment I'm pretty great. It's worth it, it's worth it, I just get high off. I haven't felt alive since the last time I made Mike Drucker laugh. Oh, I'm glad you got that heart transplant. Yeah.

It was important. He needed it. But yeah, dude, Micah Bell. Great. Just like a great villain. Fucking great cowboy villain. Those games are so good. You should play them. If you haven't played them before. Immersive. You can really spend as much time as you can do the storyline

or you can fuck around forever and just go hunting. Like an Oregon Trail where you just go kill, God, I just said Oregon, where you just go hunting the whole time. I'm not even gonna recognize the sentence. I didn't mean to, man. I don't know why that came out of my mouth. You live there now.

It's because it's so synonymous with trail. We always said Oregon Trail. We never said Oregon trail. You're wrong. You're wrong. I know. Hey, I admit it openly. Maybe I'm not so glad you got that heart transplant.

You're being rude. This is why he has a mistress. I know because he gets such kind of shit at home. I gotta come home and listen to this. Yeah. You don't even know the stuff I care about anymore. Pronouncing Oregon correctly. Putting into the microwave doesn't keep it dinner, all right?

Now it's a snack at midnight. You're so right, Mr. Comel, you're totally right. And Mike, how would you pronounce the name of that computer game from the 90s? Well, I'll be honest, as kids, we did pronounce it Oregon Trail. David, we're leaving. I was in Washington, so've since I've since like

you know course corrected for that because honestly because I had a big crush in college on this woman from Oregon and that was like her main topic of conversation because that's what people are like in college so I just dropped I really like to make a meal out of it here in Oregon they if you say Oregon holy buckets they'll let you know. We sure do, dude. We like a farm to table meal, no less. We didn't have, before like Portland, before Portland got cool and the whole Portlandia thing,

we didn't have a whole lot else to hang our hat on other than the video of the game, Oregon Trail. Yeah. That weird cult stuff in the South. Kevin Duckworth. Kevin Duckworth, those are the big three. David, time for your second pick. Oh I'm taking a old S&M daddy. I'm taking Bowser

Yeah, good choice. Good. Come on Looks like a villain through and through. Yeah, that's Mario 3 right? That's Bowser. Is that where he came? Super Mario world. Yeah, that was my introduction everything but two I think in two he's fighting the Let's go I ran to the line well For a while there little Bowser he's fighting the the Irish Republican Army and number two is that There we go my brain you go. There we go. My brain-

Is two where you can pull up the turnips and throw them at people? Right, yeah. That one was wild. Catholics or Protestants, depending on where you stood in the conflict. My brain put forward too many references for a punchline and they all, like Mr. Burns' diseases,

got jammed in the door. Yeah. But we tried to help. Like we tried to keep it going. Yeah. We're good volleyball players too. Yeah, that's all that matters. I'm in between diarhias right now.

Brother, that's my book. Yeah, I keep it daily. I'm in between diarhias, and then it's you like smiling on the front. Galifianakis was between two ferns. Ferns, huh? Every morning I make an entry in my diarhia. And then it's you smiling on the front. Galifianakis was between two ferns. Ferns us. Between two reas. Every morning I make an entry in my diarrhea.

So Bowser was in Super Mario Brothers. Can I just really quick, if you're only listening to this, if you're a member of the Patreon, head on over and watch, because David has had a hairless cat perched on his shoulder like a pig. He really has.

And it's just barely moving around. I feel like he's just clowning that. And none of us are. Now she really has. And it's just barely moving around. And none of us are. Oh, now she's embarrassed. Oh, now. She's not embarrassed. She's just going somewhere to get more trouble. Ian seriously did just blow it.

Now she left. She'll be back. She's not, she's literally right here. This is why I'm still on the podcast. If you blew stuff more often, I wouldn't have a mistress. Sorry, Mike. They could blow you all day.

That was why I was still on the podcast today. I would have quit hours ago. I Never got done clean in the house and been like, you know, it'd make me feel great as blowing someone so they could let your mistress Do it I'm sorry. What? Basically just said my wife Basically what I said is Laura's not home right now. Because I can say it all loud like that. Bowser, dude.

So yes, back to my...so Bowser, that's Bowser in Super Mario Brothers. I didn't know that. I don't know who I thought it was. Well, they called him King Koopa, but King Koopa and Bowser are the same thing. Yeah, it's like... So who's in Mario 2? I think it's like the symbol and then it's like Prince, like he was suing thing. Yeah, it's like so who's in Name the symbol and then it's like Prince like he was suing Nintendo Yeah, who's who's in my King Koopa for that album Mario?

Do I forget the name of it, but it's I think a giant frog of some sort it is but I thought that was oh It's wart. I think right anyway. Sorry. Yeah. Yes, I haven't to in bowser two rules man It's like an acid trip compared. the other ones. It's very good. And then Bowser's basically the villain and the rest. Except for the role-playing games. I feel like Wart. It's like they just throw vegetables at him and he dies. Yeah. Yeah.

So it's you. That's basically it. I mean, honestly, it does kill a person if you throw enough. Yeah. Is this true? Turnips? You could really fucking take someone's noggin off of the turnip

Like Shirley Jackson's the lottery ends with them throwing turnips Is it doesn't really know it doesn't know it's That short story got the most hate mail the New Yorker ever got, folks. Yeah, it was like the Stephen Dorff of the... Oh, what are you, some kid at the mall now? I can't be safe on this. Yeah, what happened if I was still up in New Yorker? Bowser was one of the first bad guys I beat. It was exhilarating. Oh yeah, oh yeah.

He is scary, too. First it was your penis and then Bowser, and that was the... Yeah. Of bad dudes you beat. That is the order. It was a crazy afternoon in the Jordan household. Mama gotta take a bath.

Gotta go beat the bad guy. Yeah man, it was intense beating Bowser. I can not think of beating him. It was pretty intense when I beat Bowser. Yeah, Bowser's a great pick man all the way to do we consider him a villain in Mario Kart or is he just one of the one Of the game. He's just a guy in Mario Kart. Yeah, yeah in that Says he's just a guy. Yeah, I'm talking about him with his castle. He's got he's got his goon ghosts out front That's like the bow. That like the Bowser, I feel. He's the love of the game in Mario Tennis, Mario Kart. He just wants to race with his friends.

Yeah. Beautiful, great pick. Now it is time for Sean Jordan's second pick. Goro is off the board. Yeah, Goro's off the board terrifying. Second pick, a little less terrifying, a little more menacing. I'm going the Pac-Man ghosts.

Oh! That's a good pick. That's a good call. pick a little less terrifying, a little more menacing. I'm going the Pac-Man ghosts. Oh. Oh, that's a good pick. That's a good call. I like you with the glue. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, then you, how's it feel, you know? We'll taste your own medicine, dickheads, but when they're not, well look, how do they get medicine?

They are scary. You know, they start, I'm serious. Let's just get really serious about the Pac-Man. It's like pulling out a sliver. You never actually get upset. You're just like, god damn it. Really like shaking the machine. They really bugged me.

Yeah. Like Goro beats you and you're like, yeah sure, but when the little ghost catch you, you're like, I'm better than that. You start thinking about everything you did to get you there. And I just ate you. Yeah, what are you doing? You're back already?

How'd you get back? I saw your eyes go to the box, dude. You ran away all scared to the middle. Yeah, where the body coming from, bro? Where the body at? Yeah, the ghosts are good. Inky, inky blinky. Pink, no, no, inky blinky pinkie.

Yeah, I know, I know. Inky blinky pinkie. Dinner. Just a little glow. Are you activating the winter soldier? Yeah, I know. Inky blinky pinky. Daner. Are you activating the Winter Soldier? I'm trying to. Marmalade, screen door, palm tree. Government.

Government. Ian just pulls out a sniper rifle. Mashed potatoes, Alanis Morissette, Bill Beane. That is one of, it's also the name of an Alanis Morissette album. When the Pawn, Mashed Potatoes. The fans call it the Ryan Reynolds LP, but yeah, I know what you're talking about. Dude, what? What's going on now?

Was she dating? They dated, bro. Did they? They did. Canada. Not a lot to choose from up north, so they all dated each other. Dave Coulier and Ryan Reynolds? That's a roster, I don't care what nobody says.

Eskimo brothers, those two. You can't say you weren't looking around. Yeah. Yeah. You can't say you weren't trying to figure it out with those two under your boat. She tried everything at the salad bar. Yeah.

She tried to get them to kiss, that's her next move. Maybe I like cranberries on top. That's where the idea for two guys, a girl and a pizza place came from. The pizza place was a euphemism for group sex. I loved that show in college. I loved it.

I did too, bro. It might not have been college for me, but because I'm way younger than you. My teachers wouldn't have said I was in college either, but I was there. I was paying money. Yeah, the ghosts. Great pick, dude.

Mike Drucker, time for your second and your third picks. My second and my third picks. All right, so one of them's gonna be a little bit outside the box, but I'm gonna go with the Miami Dolphins, because that is the team my brother picked every time we played Madden, and he would just, like I'd say nine out of ten times he would just

Whoop my ass so hard occasionally. I had a little Giants moment where I'd like come through But just continually beat after beat so like I don't dislike the Miami Dolphins for any like real reason It's just like whenever someone picks them. I'm always like fuck. I'm gonna lose this. Let me ask you What year we talk about similar pick pick I do to will still take them we go. What what year what year we talk about Mike? The years before I was 18 so anything from like when I was sentient starting in like, you know 88 or 89 to 2001 they didn't have a running 2001. They didn't have a running back is what I'm saying. So Dan Marino.

Dan Marino was a god. Dan Marino was a god. But they didn't have a running back. Who was, like, you know, you picked the Raiders, you got Bo Jackson, it was like Grease Lightning on Tecmo Bowl or whatever. Ricky Williams for the second time. I mean, my brother was just better than me

at these games, though. He was, he just like, he just understood the spirit of how to plan and strategize in a football game much better than I did. Cause I could read the plays and then the play would start and I'd be like, I don't know who I'm supposed to throw it to Really understands it all um you know he plays a little chatter We'd sit in there like you're gonna blow it dude just like before he hiked the ball like you suck

I'm gonna score right here kids as kids as kids we did but as adults it Just becomes so pathetic when I lose that he kind of plays it cool He's not like he's not condescending about it, but he's just sort of like hey, all right Hey man, let's go eat. That's all good good on you for still doing it though, dude like yeah You still play you still got in there with him knowing you were gonna get your ass beat most of the time. Yeah, that's beautiful Yeah, I mean, you know, and- Was it cause he was hogging the game, and that was, if you wanted to play,

you had to play him? The only way in. I mean, honestly, no, I mean, he was the little brother, so I had far more height and muscle power to move him away. It was really just because it was like something he loved, and so like, you know, even if I wasn't super into the game, I wanted to, you wanted to connect with him and be able to play something with him

that he enjoyed. You're a really sweet brother. I tried, I tried. I mean, we also beat the shit out of each other, so. Oh yeah. I'd like to read more about that, perhaps in a book format. A chapter, a whole chapter.

Oh, interesting. Actually, the chapter about my brother is named Good Game No Rematch. That's where the title comes from Oh, there you have it And your third pick Mike my third pick is going to be I had oh Dracula Dracula from Castlevania because here's the thing about him. First of all, I just love that this game used has like made its own

Dracula like when you like, you know what I mean? Like there's Dracula that you think of then you're like, oh yeah. And there's Castlevania Dracula. That's kind of similar, but you know. But the whole mythos in Castlevania is like every hundred years he comes back. So you have to stop essentially like a supernatural apocalypse and then just know that a hundred years from now it's gonna happen again and you gotta hope that your grandson knows how to use a

whip. Yeah. You gotta train him dude. And he's just like he has this giant castle and he's able to move the castle, not just move the castle's location but move the sections of the castle like their Legos. Like he, it seems like he designs a lot of these monsters because there's a lot of work and care put into him. He has like a bunch of cool people.

Death works for him. In the series, Death is not as a boss you fight before you fight Dracula. So Dracula is Death's boss. You know, he's got a Frankenstein in there. He's got a Medusa in there. Like his staff is really solid and they've stuck around for a long time. Yes. Yes. You know, he's got a Frankenstein in there. He's got a Medusa in there. Like his staff is really solid

and they've stuck around for a long time. So, you know, it's also like a good workplace. Not a lot of turnover in the, in Dracula's castle. Right. There's not a lot of spots for new monsters because a lot of people don't leave because they really love being there. Well, they have a symphony.

Yeah. Oh my God, they do. They do. And then also just in video game terms, he's so fucking hard to beat. like he takes so much effort and also Castlevania games themselves are so hard to get to especially the early ones like get to the end so like You just have to like he has a thousand different patterns Like he's kind of especially as a kid the first video game boss boss that I was like

oh, I have to watch this carefully and like video game boss boss that I was like, oh, I have to watch this carefully and like actually remember what he's going to do and respond to it rather than what I was doing with most games when I was a little kid, which is just being like, I'm gonna jump because I think I'm supposed to jump right now. Like it almost taught me to recognize patterns in games.

Yeah, you couldn't button mash him. No, no. Most bosses you can't button mash. They kind of you got a time you're at the boss Yes, you're picking them apart a little bit Bruce Springsteen. Yeah Mashing those buttons did you've seen his butt on the cover that first album you can't mash those buttons tight buns Excellent picks. Yeah, dude. The ball. Sean Jordan, time for your third pick.

Okay, tell me if I can do this. Since I'm going since Mike picked the Dolphins. I'm gonna pick anyone on fire in NBA Jam. He's on fire. Yeah, yeah, that's fair. That's absolutely fair, yeah. Okay. Is that all right?

I don't know if that's, here's why. I don't know, I don't know cuz you're on fire Yeah, you can be on fire a lot. Yeah, I mean sometimes I am my own worst enemy. I mean, I can't be a villain I'm saying anyway, they're the villain Yeah, like I can be I can be a nice you're the good guy. I can be Mike bison Well, who's to say man a little bit a bit little bit of of both. I'm gonna defer to the video game expert on this panel. David, no, Mike Drucker. I think in the sense that it pisses you off

and it makes you hate them, sure. You know what, I think we're willing to accept it. Okay, we're willing to accept it, there we have it. It doesn't look like everybody was, so I'm excited that it got through. That's fun. I hope you're happy. What if I pick, wow.

Can't even pick like it's Vin Baker on fire. What if I pivot and pick, What if I pivot and pick Darth Vader from NBA Jam. Now you're just saying Darth Vader. He's got the big head. You can be Darth Vader in NBA Jam. You can get the Darth Vader head. Would that count he's a villain it counts. We're counting it I think you're not getting your legacy

Ian kicks me out once a week you get out of here once he flies here to do it He's got a newborn baby and he flies here to tell me to my face that I'm not on this show anymore I bring the baby with me. What? Yeah. He makes the baby watch. He left him here one time. He just left him here one time.

He's like, I'm gonna go catch a movie. I'm gonna go to the Lloyd Center like I used to. Yeah, I wanna see Paddington in Peru. Yeah, gonna go catch the movie. There's nothing more frustrating than when someone's on fire and you're not because everything goes in. So to get them off fire,

I've resorted to unplugging their controller. I'll like, you know, mess with their eyes a little bit. Yeah, I'll be visiting the subreddit after this to see what they make of this pic. Sure. They probably got my back, I bet. It's hard to get someone off fire. It's hard to pour water on someone, I'll tell you that.

But it is very frustrating and that's why I think it's a villain and that's I've said my piece Fantastic. I love you. I love you. You're handsome David boy time for your third pick in the same vein as trucker. I'm going Michael Vick and Madden Oh It was it was it was fucked up, man. Mike? That shit? Oh, I wanna break a fucking controller.

We had to like. Just thinking about, it was just basements. We had to ban it. Yeah, basements full of dudes. I don't know a lot about this. I don't know a lot about this. He... He was unstoppable.

It's like a super character. It sucked. It sucked. So fast and he's left handed. So like you could run around like the game, they made his speed like kind of accurate, but he was one of the first like truly fast mobile quarterbacks and the AI defense, which your defense is mostly AI. You can control one guy. Didn't know how to deal with it. So every play, if you were playing somebody who's playing with Mike Vick,

the receivers would just run up the field, taking your cornerbacks with it, which would create a ton of space on either side of the field, and you would just run up for like 30 yards every time. And you're just like, oh, this is fun for you? It wasn't worth playing. It was not. I watched that little Madden 25 documentary You're just like, over and over. This is fun for you? That's crazy. It wasn't worth playing.

That's crazy. It was not. I watched that little Madden 25 documentary and they were talking about how mad people were about how they made that. Yeah. Because it was just like, I never would, it would be like, you didn't even wanna play

with the Falcons, it was so, you know what I mean? Like, for what? No, it was shameful. For what? Sometimes when you're alone, just to like taste the forbidden fruit, but like, no, we banned Mike Vick at, at a...

It's so funny, that's so cool. When we were playing, yeah. Man, it was the worst. And it was always the worst where, like, if you'd be playing with somebody, and you'd be like, for real? Uh-huh, yeah. You're gonna do that?

You feel good about yourself? You love the Falcons? Who's your favorite Falcon? Yeah, named Algie Crumpler? Yeah, who else was there? Do you know who Algie Crumpler is? You love the Falcons? Who's your favorite Falcon? Yeah, named Algie Crumpler? Yeah, who else was there? Who Algie Crumpler is? Was Warwick done there? Who else was fucking there?

Liar. Algie Risen for a while? Have any of you, David just mentioned briefly, have any of you broken a controller? Yes. Yeah. Mike? Sure.

You know, actually I don't think I ever have. I mean, I think I've like, you know, like accidentally hit a Wii controller into a wall and maybe damaged it that way, but I've never like broken a controller. You've tortured a controller. You've left it in the room and let water drip on it for like a year straight.

I broke my buddy's Madcats. Like this- Remember the Madcats? Yeah. I mean, Madcats were shipped. I mean, I feel like as kids, when we got a Madcats, it was shipped broken. Like I think it was pre-broken.

I don't think it was pre You know No, I was gonna say like as a kid I would get more mad at myself and like hit myself not break the controller pulling your eyebrows out Almost like literally like slap myself in the face. I did that. It was weird man. It was weird I don't approve of myself doing that in the past as a child. And this is why video games are good for children. Learn the lessons. Learn the lessons. You gotta teach them yourself. No, but like I'd hit myself or like slap my leg really hard in anger. But I never like threw things really.

Sorry I brought it down. No, no, no. I remember I broke the mad cats like I was holding it, and I just kind of like... What's a mad cat? Oh, you took it apart in your hand? Listen, so I am going to go to the restroom right now, and you guys keep talking, and when you're ready to throw to a break, throw to a break, and then I'll come back. And we'll get to my next pick. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. back and we'll get to my next pick. This show is sponsored by BetterHelp. Now we talk about BetterHelp all the time for a reason. Try therapy, if you're thinking about giving it a shot,

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Man, we're back, welcome back to All Fantasy Everything. I don't feel good. You're doing a good job. I mean, you don't look like I do when I can't control it. So you're doing good. Yeah, you nailed it. It was smooth. I'm going to take another multiplayer since Mike Vick, which was the, that's the one.

That's the one that nothing has made me more mad. But the shooter version of that, I'm going to take Odd Job. Oh, fuck, I'm a job. Fuck that guy. Oh, God, that's a good call. Oh. And as much as I'm taking Odd Job,

I'm taking the guy who took Odd Job. That, there was a certain type. I don't even, you That you're supposed to be over here. My mom hates you. What are you doing? You're doing cigarettes You're not supposed to be in my house. You're playing this video game with odd job We're men of honor and you're a scoundrel. Okay, you're a scoundrel. Shouldn't you be somewhere on Christmas? Yeah HAHAHAHAHAHA Fuck HAHAHAHA Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

That is a rough thing to say to someone when they don't have anywhere to go. But yeah, dude, Oddjob, if anybody doesn't know, in GoldenEye, in the multiplayer mode, Oddjob, who in real life is a little person, played by, right? Or, yeah, I think. I can't remember, I'm not familiar with him.

Was he just really stocky? I don't remember. Yeah, I think he's very stocky, but I don't think he's particularly below average height. He, in the video game though, he is shorter than everybody else, and he's harder to shoot, because he takes up less sprites, and he's like harder to shoot because he takes up less sprites, is that the word?

His sprite is smaller? Well these are, his polygonal structure, so just his height. His height. Yeah, I was gonna say that. Polygonal structure. I'm more of a one woman man myself, but you do you, Oddjob.

Oddjob's doing whatever he wants. But yeah, dude, he was just harder to shoot. He was scooting around and then everyone would kneel anyway. So he got even shorter. Just ridiculous. Yeah. Amateur shit. Get that out of here.

I never played Goldeneye and I feel like I missed a whole movement. That was a good one. That was a good one. That was a good one. It was a good community game. Yeah. I never played the game like not multiplayer. That's actually a pretty good game.

It's actually a pretty good game. I didn't have an X64, so it was just always played with other friends. That Russian Monument Park. I remember dude, like my brother got an, I didn't have a Nintendo 64 yet. My brother got a Nintendo 64, but he's nine years older than me,

so he had his own place, but he brought it over. And he let me play like an hour of GoldenEye and then left, and it was like I did half a heroin. I was feeling so hard afterwards, I was like, how do I get more, how do I get more, how do I get more GoldenEye? It was so fucking good when it came out. It was like, how do I get more? How do I get more? How do I get more Gold Knight? It was so fucking good when it came out. It was like truly groundbreaking.

I remember that feeling off the Tony Hawk demo at the, I played it with Sears when my mom was shopping. And you'd be like, I'm gonna go play the video games. And you're like, what the fuck is this? You get one minute in the warehouse and you're like, that ain't enough, dude. Yeah. Three and four, Sean, you gotta get some kind of system,

man, they're being re-released with good graphics. You know, I was one of, I wanna say two people who could get over a million in Tony Hawk. We figured out this thing called the Pagoda Grind in San Francisco where you could just go unlimited in a square. Oh, all the way around it, you just had to keep the balance going? Well, not really, it was so quick,

you just had to like, you'd be Reynolds and you'd do a sex change, kick flip, or sex change, heel flip, blunt, and you'd just keep doing it for like half a second, all the way around the top of this pagoda thing, and you could go for, I mean, 20, 30 minutes. And when you got a million, all the zeros just turned to flashing zeros.

Felt good. Shit. Yeah, it felt real good. But yeah, odd job. My fourth pick. Odd job. My fourth pick. Odd job. My fourth pick. I'm gonna do one for the ladies. That's still a good tell, dude.

All right. That's why she barked. I'm gonna do one for the ladies. I'm gonna jump off the consoles and I'm gonna get inside the computer, the big desktop behemoth computer. How loud? And I'm not just doing it for the ladies, I'm doing one for the ladies in red. desktop behemoth computer. And I'm not just doing it for the ladies, I'm doing one for the ladies in red.

One of the good ones. Taking Carmen Sandiego. Oh my god, yeah. That's an amazing pick. Oh, I forgot she was a bad guy. Where is she, bro? That is amazing. They actually just released a new game in the series. So she is back. I haven't played it, but yeah, she is back. The IP is amazing. They actually just released a new game in the series. So she is she is back I haven't played it. But yeah, she is back. The idea is back. She's my Geography she was in Phoenix the whole time

My geography I was a little geography nerd like I was I was in the geography be I made it to state like I was Like super into it. So Carmen San Diego the game the television show Yeah, man was amazing song get off me rock into it. So Carmen Sandiego, the game, the television show. Oh man. It was amazing. The song? Get off me. Rock-a-pela. Rock-a-pela. They did do it.

So good. But yeah, Carmen Sandiego, stealing the world's monuments and treasures and bouncing all over the place. You had to get the, what was it, the loot warrant crook? That was the show. But yeah, it was just great. I loved it. I loved Carmen Sandiego. I like how they threw a warrant in there. Make sure it's legal when you arrest her. Yeah, come on.

Yeah. They're working with Interpol. Not the band either. There he goes. There he goes. He's not just a guy with a kid. He's got his ear to the streets. He's got his finger on the pulse.

I'm not just a guy with diarrhea. 15 years ago. All right? Guy-a-ria-fanny. I his finger on the pulse. I'm not just a guy Carmen San Diego and your fourth pick David I Don't like this guy how he was always teasing me. He always would give you a taste and then he'd go away I'm taking dr. Robotnik. Yeah, fuck that Yeah, fuck that guy fuck that guy stand stand here and fight face. Yeah, fuck that you would always run away. I Hate it to tantalizing to tantalizing. I just saw Sonic 3 in the theater pretty good

Yeah, it's actually very serious. I brought my nephews. I didn't go by myself It's actually pretty good in series. I brought my nephews, I didn't go by myself. Okay, okay, okay. I was just wondering, no judgment if you did, yeah, I hear they are good. I may have, sometimes I just want to go to a movie and I'll just go to something because I wanna be in this situation.

That was not one of those times. But Jim Carrey's pretty good, man. I got a feeling about this Jim Carrey guy. That'd be all right. Ben Schwartz, the voice of Sonic, right? Yes. Yes. Yeah. Nice. Yeah, dude, Dr. Robot'll be alright. Ben Schwartz, the voice of Sonic, right? Yes. Yeah. Nice.

Yeah, dude, Dr. Robotnik's a prick. He looks exactly like what a video game villain looks like to me. Big egg-shaped body, tiny little legs. He's just an asshole. Yeah. He's a... Like a rave organizer. Fuck, dude. Yeah's a... Like a rave organizer. He's... Chuck, dude.

I, yeah, he like... So this has been one of the more captivating episodes so far. Yeah. Oh, shitting makes you tired. Ian's got to think he gets really tired when he poops. Okay, I was up till, I don't wanna get into the fatherhood chronicles. You can get into it.

I was up till midnight, cause I ate rich food, and my head had an upset tummy, and I couldn't fall asleep. And then I woke up at four on account of the boy. Yeah. So it was nothing, this is, I'm having a wonderful time, but I have.

It's funny though, it's funny how little sleep, how little sleep you can technically get by on. That's one of the first things I noticed where I'm like, I'm functioning and I slept for two hours last night and you do that for weeks on end. It's not good for you, but that's just part of the first things I notice where I'm like, I'm functioning and I slept for two hours last night. You do that for weeks on end. It's not good for you, but that's just part of the deal. And it is pretty wild. You realize how resilient the human body is.

I wish I had more, I was more of a Mario kid than a Sonic kid, so I don't have a ton to say about Dr. Robotnik other than he's a surly son of a bitch. My friend growing up, he had a Sega, I had a Nintendo, and he was a bully. So he would up, he had a Sega, I had a Nintendo, and he was a bully. So he would like, I didn't get to play it as much as I wanted to, because he would just like stop me from,

dude, I'd just be sitting there, and we'd just be sitting there doing nothing, and I'd ask if I could play, and he said no. In his room, it's just be honest, it's, fuck you, dude. What was he doing? Being a dick. Sitting there quietly?

Yeah, we'd just sit there. He would like want to trade baseball cards or football cards and I wouldn't want to trade them. And he'd like force me to trade certain cards. And he'd be like, you can play after you trade me this card. Like shit like that. And I would just do it because I've desperately wanted him to be my friend.

Well, he was running your pockets for various Miami Dolphins players that Drucker didn't know about except for the pain of the video game. And that turned into a drinking problem, so thanks a lot. Dickhead. If I had that Lawrence Taylor card, I wouldn't turn to Jameson.

Oh, his pro image. Do you remember the FLIR pro image cards? Daryl Strawberry, where he's like bursting out of a strawberry, and Lawrence Taylor's was ill, dude. Big pile of cocaine. Yeah, bursting out, though of cocaine yeah bursting out though yeah first thing out like lightning bull earring Sean Jordan down for your fourth pick oh

oh who me yeah all right I'm gonna go is my fourth pick that's right all right I don't know if you guys messed with shinobi at all I was a big shinobi here yeah yeah it was on. Game Gear? Yeah. Yeah, it was on Sega, Game Gear, and then the arcade. But Shinobi is one of my favorite games of all time. Mike Shinobi from Lincoln Park? Yeah, you're ahead, dude. I just wanna see who knows the cuts.

Mike Shinobi. Four Miner. Yeah, I was trying to think of another ninja name, but I just can't. Yes, Mike Shinobi. So in Shinobi, there's these red, green, blue, and yellow ninjas that will just appear on the screen and they will flip and they're so hard to kill.

So I'm picking the different colors of ninjas in Shinobi. They're, again, so menacing. I think I have a problem with these menacing villains. But they will, you'll be at the end of the level or whatever and one will just appear and stab you. You can't do anything about it. It's another one where you have to know exactly where they're gonna be.

Otherwise they will just show up and stab you and you're done. And it's very frustrating. So it's kind of like playing, like dying just to learn to live. We would go, and while still when I go to Sioux Falls, my buddy Joey and I will go play Shinobi. You didn't give that anything?

Dying just to learn to live and you were like, alright, let's- Well yeah, it's poignant. It's a good Nogative Knowledge. You just didn't want to sit. You didn't sit on it at all. You were like, David, shut up. I'm gonna go on and tell them all the story. It's just like, that hurt my feelings. Mike, this is how they get. How they get what? Defending one another against your tyranny?

I mean, but it looks like you're doing pretty good in life. So, you know, yeah, yeah, I got shit on the walls, but you know A kawaii and a picture of my baby. No big deal. You know, they used to make pianos. No, it's a kawaii It's like a millionaire to me. Yeah, that's a fucking yard out there nephew You can't tell looks like looks like light wallpaper. You at that, that's a fucking yard out there nephew. A window dude. You can't tell, looks like light wallpaper, you can't tell but it's a yard out there. David, I apologize, that was a very good nugget of knowledge. Dying just to learn how to live. And now, Joey and I will go in two falls sometimes

and we will bring like 10 bucks and quarters. I've never beat it on the arcade. I've only beat it on like a gaming system and it's so hard to beat in the arcade, I've never beat it on the arcade. I've only beat it on a gaming system and it's so hard to beat in the arcade, I just don't know. Because by the time you, what, 20 times you can play something and then you're done, that's about my limit where I'm like, I'm only gonna try this this amount of times and then I just can't put effort into it anymore.

Yeah, fools all kick in like Shinobi. Sort of petered out, but yes, Shinobi. That's all right dude last pick's gonna get him dude my third and then your fourth picks wait no your fourth wait yes your fourth and then your fifth picks I have diarrhea dude I know I know I know okay so I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't fit into your conception of what a podcast host should be, Mike. All right, I'm sorry, I have diarrhea, okay?

I'm Jewish. All right? That is kind of a good, like you're just in line at the grocery store. I don't want your life. You're just digging for your coupons. I have diarrhea, okay? Alright everyone, do you feel good about the looks you're giving me? I have diarrhea.

I made everything so much harder for everybody. I'm sorry the bank. I have diarrhea. You're cramping up. I'm laughing too hard now my whole torso's cramping. Write it in the memo line of a check. Hold on. I'll be right back. Someone's ringing my doorbell obsessively Oh, you've also got diarrhea. Yeah, what if it's me? Struckers gotta poop. Ian sent an emissary. Whoa, I didn't know there was a door back there. It's a blurry background I thought it was a wall. How do you blur your background? I don't know. I think you just go

You just go into the options, bro, right? Look at that There we go. I just Oh man, if I could if I could do that with a straight face, it would be the most fun thing to do Do you know why I pulled you over is it because I have diarrhea officer Because I do All right. I'm sorry. I have diarrhea, officer? Because I do. I'm sorry I'm underdressed for your fancy restaurant, okay?

I have diarrhea, all right? It just comes out. It comes out when it's ready, all right? Not when I'm ready, when it's ready. Excuse me, sir, are you ready to order? No, I'm not ready to order, okay? You need it. You need a couple more minutes. I need more than that. I have diarrhea All right Does that shatter your little preconceived notions of who eats at a restaurant? Okay, I have diarrhea

Don't look at me with judgment in your eyes. I'm sorry, sir. I don't know. How do you spell that? Can you spell it? D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A. I think so. Diarrhea.

I think I can say diarrhea like Hank Hill. Do it. Do it. Diarrhea. Diarr. Okay. Do it. Diarrhea? Diarrhea. Diarrhea. Diarrhea.

Diarrhea. Spell it again, I'm gonna write it in the notes as a potential breakout. D-I-R-R-H-E-A. I tell you, D. I think it's D-I-A-R-R-H-E-A. It is. There is a conspiracy theory on the worldwide web

that Bill Dottrieve is Bobby Hill's real dad. I've never heard this until the other day. Heard it a lot. And when you watch the video, you're like, brother, it is. Hank has talked about his infertility, his narrow urethra, and Bobby looks exactly like Bill. Also, Bill was a hound in high school.

They say that's why Peggy hates Bill so much Yeah And why and why Bill reveres Peggy so much and also Bill was like the man when they would right around when they would have smashed Bill was you know, he wasn't the bill that we know Wow I'm digging into this right after this pretty buck Everything okay, Mike trucker. Was it a horse? No, no, no, it was it was like I had ordered Birthday present for my birthday's in my birthdays on Saturday. So happy birthday. Thank you so much 41 is gonna be the when I finally break through

I What is it been a blast man best time of my life for days? But It's been a blast man best time of my life for days But Anyway, I ordered myself something kind of expensive that I had to sign for so Come on spill the beans dude. I got this sort of like special custom-made GameCube Nice. Oh cool. Nice. So you can listen to my Sorry, I was gonna I was gonna say so you can listen to my first stand-up album on the GameCube.

I mean, it can't take regular CDs, so if it's like a shorter one, I could listen to it. If it's like, you know, like a bit that's like 10 minutes long, yeah. It's regular length, but it feels much longer. Okay. Okay. It feels like you're flying to Australia. It's crowd work with two people who are clearly going through something. much longer. Okay. Okay. It feels like you're flying to Australia. It's crowd work with two people

who are clearly going through something. I started the movement. I started the movement. They're divorced now, thanks. Well, happy early birthday, Mike. Thank you very much, thank you very much. But that's what that was. They like, I thought,

because sometimes they'll ring the doorbell almost to tell me they've left a package. Yep. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But it was like hitting so hard that I was also worried that maybe the landlord was going to come in And be like all the pipes are bursting get out Run did you open it? Did you open up? I've got diarrhea. We have to leave Uh time for your fourth and your final picks mike. Oh man, um, okay I had them in my head until that fucking doorbell.

I would say. No, what a dick, dude. You know what? I'm going to say like the in Tetris, it's like the Z block. I hate getting. Yeah, I like that because like it's always look, the Z block has its place and some Tetris diehards will disagree with me but like long first

okay, like the the triangle the triangle block You know what? I mean like the that block always useful can put it anywhere the L blocks You can always figure something out for them and the L blocks are just like there's there's that is You know that is what you know orgasms feel like if you have never had straight lines The straight line putting a straight line down and there's all four You know But that but that z-block always messes things up you it you think it's going to fix something But it just gets in the way creates like a weird little cave of blocks that you have to build back

You have to like build back from. They've ruined everything. Yeah, they do suck, man. They're a shit like when you sit, like sometimes you'll get a few of those in a row and you're like, what the fuck am I supposed to do with that? Yeah, who do I owe money to all of a sudden? Yeah.

Sean, are you a Tetris guy too? I guess I don't know Dr. Mario well enough to know. Dr. Mario's more matching, but I like Tetris, but Dr. Mario's more matching colors. They're all two-sided pills that he throws you. But yeah, I like Tetris. Professional skateboarder, Aaron Jaws Homoki. Amazing Tetris player.

Well, we all do that. Love it when the worlds collide. This is what it's like when worlds collide. I was thinking about that the other power man 5,000 mm-hmm Oh, that's in Tony. That's a THPS 2 bro nice Mm-hmm, that's awesome and your final pick Mike my final pick

Will be separate off from Final Fantasy 7 he is in it. He's very iconic He's also like I think the problem is like when I saw him as a kid I was like that's what that's what a man looks like. If you haven't seen him he's like this like very gaunt fucking dude with like long hair. That's interesting. He has like a giant thing on but he's like so dark and ominous and talks in ominous very operatic ways like the way you do when you're like a fat 15 year old kid who doesn't know what the fuck's going on Yeah, and so like I think like it as a villain. He's kind of a jerk. You know he kills spoiler alert he kills one of the main characters and

All the other characters mourn that character's death pretty heavily Yada yada yada, but like he's just I don't know one. He's iconic So you know he's always around but two He gave me a very poor perception of what manhood was like that's a odd That's a odd did he have a big sword he had a giant sword. He had a very long sword. Yeah Yeah, like insanely long right yeah like impractically so yeah With that thing I mean in the game gotta he's doing a lot of stuff. Gate check it everywhere he goes. Like there's just no way that it fits in the overhead.

Oh, he flies private. He's so evil, he flies private. That's evil. Yeah. Taylor Swift. Oh my God, they're on the same logs. Yep. Yeah.

Sephiroth, yeah, I remember him. Like again, all my friends were playing Final Fantasy VII. I remember him being a big wheel. Yeah. Excellent picks. Sean Jordan, time for your final pick. Okay, another, I'm just so creative. I'm just such a free thinker

that I couldn't confine myself to actual people sometimes. Can I pick that? Are you gonna take blackouts? Yeah, they suck, dude. They're no power, you can't play the game. that I couldn't confine myself to actual people sometimes. Can I pick that? Are you gonna take blackouts? Yeah. They suck, dude. They're no power, you can't play the game. For anyone that didn't get the joke. Uh.

Yeah! Can I pick the actual track, Rainbow Road, in Mario Kart? Yeah, I like that a lot. That's great. That's dating. I just watched a world record time trial. I've taken to that lately, watching. What is it? Speed, speed, where people beat the game. Yeah. Uh,

I've been watching a ton of those for like old games and I saw someone do a rainbow road and it was the world record. And I'm like, I know they're not going to fall. And I still got so nervous every time I was like moving with the car, you know, it was, yeah, that, that level's tough. You just can't go fast. Every time I try to go fast, you know? Yeah. It was big jumps right. Yeah, that level's tough. You just can't go fast. Every time I tried to go fast, I'd fall off. Everyone would catch up, break the controller, you know?

It's beautiful. It's ruined relationships. It is. It's a fun one when you finish first, but anyway, yeah, the actual track. Fantastic. David, your final pick. If we're going for things that annoy us,

I wanna do this. If not, I have a backup pick. I'm saying the the spin button on Tiger Woods golf, oh dude Motherfucker I Like what's it do it's like the English it gives you English But if you get it going like sometimes you can turn a 350 yard drive into like a 420 yard drive, but sometimes if it's like on an approach shot, you can spin your way out of it completely.

It's so irritating. Because it's like, you can't, you don't just want it to go fast unless it's on the drive. But yeah, man, that shit, because I've played hours and hours and hours of Tigerwood golf, like it was like right around when I finished high school to when I, to like those three, four years where you don't know what to do and there's not enough girls around. So you and your friends just get so high and play Tigerwood golf for skins. Freshman year of college, it dominated us.

I should know who VJ Singh is, I do. I shouldn't earn any, VJ Singh was off, Sunday Tiger, man, it was just, but that spin button specifically, so irritating. That's a great pick, that fucking shot right to the, right to my soul. My final pick, I'm going to take, this is sort of a,

in honor of the ingenuity of this villain, from the Metal Gear Solid series, I'm gonna take Psycho Mantis. Oh, that's a great pick. Cause I loved the way it like broke, like they were a good villain on their own. And then they like there was one where you had to like unplug like you had to plug in a different controller. Like, yeah, it broke the fourth wall.

This would read your memory card and comment on what games it like you had there. But you didn't know that was before games did that regularly. So you were like, it would be like, oh, you like Castlevania, don't you? And you're like, what the fuck? Yeah oh you like Castlevania, don't you? And you're like, what? What the fuck? Yeah, it was so cool. It was just such a like, creative way to do it and one that just like

blew your mind and you're like, oh this is possible? Like a video game can know you're playing a video game? I mean, I didn't know that, that's awesome. I still didn't know that could happen, that sounds rad. Plus his name is Psycho Mantis Psycho Mantis. Yeah, very very thin gaunt man and like fetish gear for some reason. Yeah Not for some reason his name Psycho Mantis, I guess yeah, he's a psycho and a mantis and a mantis Then there was there. What was it sniper wolf? Yeah, she gets she gets shot in the lungs and then tells you a very long life story. Yeah

They were they were the keyboard players for evanescence when they first started. Yeah Mike this oh Iceman on the screen. Oh Are you throwing it to me? Don't ask him. I'm now, baby. What you got? The video game series I played the most growing up was Fire Emblem.

I don't know if you guys know about Fire Emblem. Yeah, yeah, yeah, definitely. There is a villain in the Path of Radiance and Radiant Dawn games, and his name is the Black Knight, or Zelgius is his real name, but the Black Knight. He's basically Darth Vader, but like medieval Darth Vader, and he's so fucking cool looking. So I'm gonna take him. Oh, nice. I love that. Yeah. Do you remember there was a game, it was a first person shooter and it was like lauded for being like how original it was where they were like you were in Iraq or somewhere and it was like you were playing your memories but it turned out you were actually

committing war crimes. Oh, um. Oh my god. Spec Ops the Line I think it might have been. Yes, Spec Ops the Line. That's another one where I was like oh shit this is like, oh this can be like art too, in a way. I have a question for you. So there was a, I had a game console

that I cannot remember the name of it, but it was, you were shooting, it was like a first person shooter, and it was like in a old west setting, but it was real people. There was one of them too that was like a haunted house, where like, where ghosts would float by, but it was in a real, it was real, like a movie. Do you remember, do, too, that was like a haunted house where like where ghosts would float by. But it was in a real it was real.

Like a movie. Do you remember? Do you know what that was? Are you? Well, I don't know what the ghost one is. Was the Western one Mad Dog McCree? Maybe that doesn't sound like the console I'm talking about. I can't I don't know the name of like the system that I had. And I guarantee it wasn't expensive, because I had it. So it was something.

Oh, the Jaguar. I don't know, but it's bothered me for years and years. I only heard war, I never played a Jaguar. Anyway, I don't know enough about it to Google it, and nothing ever comes up. Yeah. Anyway. I'm not sure, sorry.

Mad Dog McCree came out on the Sega CD, the 3DO. It might have been 3DO. It might have been 3DO. It might have been that. Can you put, well, sorry everybody listening. Can you put a link to that in the chat? Thank you for listening for eight years. Sorry everyone. You can also Google 3DO.

Wow. Mad dog McCree. See how he gets when he has the shits, everyone? I'm sorry, all right? I don't understand your rules of decorum. I have diarrhea. What's nice, Ian, is that you will have no lasting memory of this specific podcast.

No, definitely not. I'll be like, I haven't talked to Mike in a while. Kind of hankering to play Mad Dog McCree for some reason though. I dropped the 3DO in the chat if you wanna look. Oh, that's awesome. Thank you. To recap all the picks, here's our guest, Michael Buffer.

Mike Drucker, you at first, you took Kefka from Final Fantasy VI, the Miami Dolphins, as played by your brother from Madden, Dracula from Castlevania, the Z Block from Tetris, and Sephiroth from Final Fantasy 7. Sean Jordan, you took Goro first from the Mortal Kombat games, the Ghost from Pac-Man, anyone who's on fire from NBA Jam,

the Rainbow Ninjas from Shinobi, and then Rainbow Red from Mario Kart. David, you went third. You took M. Bison from the Street Fighter games, Bowser from Mario, Mike Vick from Madden 04, Dr. Robotnik from the Sonic games, and the spin button on Tiger Woods Golf. I went last.

I took Ganon from Zelda, Micah Bell from Red Dead Redemption 2, Oddjob from GoldenEye, Carmen Sandiego, self-titled, and Encyclomantis from Metal Gear Solid and other Metal Gear games. But that was the one I played. Tons of picks.

Great picks. We left some good ones on the board. Oxygen from the game Echo the Dolphin. Oh yeah, and Sonic the Hedgehog. And Sonic the Hedgehog, yeah. Yeah, yeah. The only one I had that I didn't get was Nazi zombies. Oh yeah, Nazi zombies are always great.

I mean, bad. I like killing them. I'm not in support of making more. They're from a few games, kind of, right? Yeah, I was thinking of Call of Duty ones, but yeah. Count Wolfenstein, I bet there's Nazi zombies. That's what I was thinking of too, yeah. The Los Angeles Lakers and NBA 2K,

they are the villains, obviously. They're the villains in everything, man. As they should be. As they should be. Are there any villains, what was the most frustrating part of Tony Hawk? I was trying to, there wasn't really anything I could even make myself in.

Time? Time. Yeah, I was gonna say. Time wasn't really anything I could even make myself in. Time? Time. Yeah, I was gonna say. Time. A little too out there. Rocksteady and Bebop were fun, like Turtles in Time, all those villains were really cool. Oh yeah, that big dude in Simpsons, the arcade game. Yes. Mm-hmm.

Well, heck, we wanna hear yours. Hit us up individually on our socials and allfantasypodcasts at gmail.com. Shout out to everyone on the All Fantasy Everything Patreon where there are mailbag episodes, auction drafts, bonus content, live episodes, all sorts of stuff. And of course, in case you forgot, Isaac's Tasteful Nudes are on there too, come on.

Tasteful. You know what I posted the other day and I asked for this or that's or would you rathers and we got like 70 of them. So I can't wait. Yeah. There are some, I looked at a couple, they're fun. Like keep this or that, like that one question

from the last, anyway, we got a group of those. So we'll do that on the, on the whole episode of those. Well, yeah. And you know, shout out to everyone on there. Shout out to everyone on the AFE subreddit. The AF is just lack of it. If that still exists, I have no idea. Shout out to everyone on the, oh no,

just super producer Isaac Lee on the ones and twos. Make sure we sound good. And the threes, he's inserting a fifth. I hear rumors. Shout out to St. Sue Carmel. Shout out to Frankie Ocean, shout out to Sid The Dude, shout out to Hodgie Beats, and more important than all of that, I have diarrhea.

Yeah. No, we're gonna keep it at that. We're gonna keep it at that. It's good you than all of that. I have diarrhea. Yeah. No. Yeah, you do. We're going to keep it at that. It's good to admit that. Yeah. It takes guts. That was a hate gum podcast. Hello and welcome or hi.

My name is Cole. My name is Andrew. We host a podcast called Podcasts but outside where Cole and I set up a table on the sidewalk and talk to strangers who are walking by. We have a sign on our table that says, Hi, be a guest on our podcast and we will pay you one dollar. We are the only ethical podcast. We have a sign on our table that says, Hi, be a guest on our podcast and we will pay you one dollar. We are the only ethical podcast. We're the only podcast that pays.

We have really interesting conversations with really fun folks. Like who? Like Marilyn. Okay. And I was somebody else's wife for a while. But the second one worked out. Well, until he died. Oh, I'm sorry to hear that.

It turned out he had a double life. Wow. What? What was the second life? He is a crack addict Hold on. How do you hide? He was a nice old Jewish guy. How did he get addicted to crack? He started smoking it. I know but I just I'm just trying to I know That was a good clip. Hey, thank you And sometimes we even have celebrity friends of ours helping us to interview these random people off the street. Like who?

Like John Hamm, Adam Scott, Nick Kroll, and Otsuko Okatsuka. So please subscribe to Podcast But Outside on YouTube and podcast apps. And then have a good time. time.