BACKGROUND CHECK: Danielle Perez
00:01 Hello, hello, hello, and this is Joel Kim Booster. And earlier this week on Intimacy Coordinator, one of my favorites, Danielle Perez, referenced a couple crazy stories she told me on a classic bad dates episode. Daniel and I have known each other for a while, and there is truly no one wilder in the LA scene right now, so you'll want to tune into that one. One is about her date with a little person who scooped salad with his hand, and the other is about period, sex gone very wrong. Today I'm bumping these wild stories back to the top of your inbox.
00:38 Enjoy Danielle's background check. Danielle Perez, you are up first, my dear. Now, Daniel, before we get into your story, give me a little bit of a lowdown on where you're at right now, relationship-wise. What is your dating history look like? Are you a serial monogamous? Are you somebody who fucks and runs? What's the deal? Yeah, I mean, fuck and run, but I don't have feet.
01:11 So not great at running. I really teed you up for that one, Daniel. Really, fucking enrolling. Here's a softball and you hit it out of the park. Just, yeah. A rolling IED. Yeah, to be fair to me, Danielle, I don't think of you that way. I don't think of you that way.
01:33 I think of you as a person in a box right now who I cannot see their lower half. I'm just a floating head. No. So I, yeah, it's really, emotions, what are those, right? We just want to, we want to bang it, get it out of the way, move on. Let's get to not one, but two scary, scary tales from your past. So, Danielle, I'll let you choose which one you want to go with first, but just set the scene. Where are we at in your timeline?
02:11 We're back in the day. We're talking, OKCupid. You remember that? Very scary. Vintage. Vintage. Okay, Cupid, with their fuck-ass questions. I'm sorry, but if you ask me, like, what I think would I would do if the moon were, like,
02:28 going to crash into the Earth, and then you give me four options for what to do. Like, how is that supposed to help me find a man? Get the fuck out of here, OK, Cupid. Just paragraph responses to questions. Very spooky, very scary. I matched with this guy. And I did my due diligence, right? I had like the phone call before we like met up on a date and was like, okay, great over phone.
02:53 Let's meet for dinner, which now I know. Dinner is a terrible first date because you're locked in. You're committed for, you're committed for two hours. Like you have if they want to order appetizers, you meet them and you realize like actually I don't want to continue. And now I got to sit through calamari before the meal. And then they want to peruse the dessert menu, like even after that. Like it's so you're just, you know, I like drinks because it's an hour, tops, and you can be like, well, I got to go. This was great.
03:23 Bye. Yeah. Right. Or you can just get too drunk and there's your excuse me. Forget. And then maybe they might be hot enough, right? Exactly. It might work.
03:32 But I, we were committed. We did dinner. And the person I went on a date with is a little person. And you would have thought Jalo and Ben Affleck were entering Massey and Echo Park. Let me tell you. H upper head swiveling, turning. Okay, I think the GM at one point came and stopped by our table to greet us. Literally every server in the restaurant, do you guys need anything?
03:59 What are you doing? Like, they really, they were like, oh my God, love wins. Yeah. They were like, wow, you really found each other. They were so excited. Everyone was obsessed, except for me. I was just like, no, this man has the personality. a bedpost.
04:16 Oh, so you went on a date with Brad Williams. Oh, we're kidding. We love. We love. Do not at me, Brad. You're funnier and scarier than I am. So, but continue. In hindsight, that's the reveal.
04:43 Yeah. He was, he had a bad personality. He had a bad personality. He was uninteresting. He was boring. And then at one point during the meal, he had his fork in his hand. He was eating his salad. And then he took his little hand and scooped the salad onto his fork. No hand-touching salad. That was horrifying. It was very, I was like, oh, am I in a David Lynch film? Like, it was. Because you know he's not washing his hands after he goes, he. No. Men just as a general. rule. I don't believe they ever wash their hands. That was a urine-soaked salad bite
05:20 that he just took. So it was sick. It was very gross. Everyone was loving it except for me. We finished a date. Finally, I'm free. I can, like, be gone. But the thing about him is because he is a little person. He is really the optimal height
05:36 to engage in direct eye contact. If he wants to go in for a kiss, he can make it. And with you in particular. Usually, when a guy is creep in and I don't want it, I can scoot away, right? They're just getting air. It's a real physical curve. Sorry, baby.
06:00 Your lips are not ADA accessible. I will not be partaking. Right. But he got right in there. It was held captive. It was bad. It was just so bad. And then the worst thing is literally, like,
06:16 a year later, I had a joint birthday party with a friend. Like, why I would do that in my 30s is loka. But I had a joint birthday party. And he showed up as a guest of my friend. Whoa. Wow. Psycho, right? Crazy.
06:33 Round two. So is he industry. But he showed up with his girlfriend. It was a park birthday. And they proceeded to makeout in the grass, just flaunting that he had a connection. It was, I was saying, this is terrible. This is a terrible birthday. I hope it wasn't tall grass.
06:53 That is. No, it wasn't tall grass because I saw it. It was wide open in the field, fully visible. But so what was the girlfriend's diversity point? She had tattoos on her leg of different color circles. Oh, and that has to be a disability. Possibly neurodivergent. Yes.
07:12 That is okay. I have a question in my life. that, dad? Yes. Were you jealous at all? No. Not. I'm like, look, you may have legs, but you did something really ugly to them.
07:24 Because you chose to put those different color circles on them. How do you treat your legs that way? Right? I may not have them, but I can judge yours. Not everyone deserves feet. You're not a light, bitch, okay? Yeah. Black tattoos only.
07:42 That's what I say. So Danielle, TIS up. Where in your timeline is the second story you're about to tell? The second story is many years later, many, you know, many years we're off OkinCupid. I met him, IRL. Oh, wow. I mean, I'm at a sushi restaurant. So I'm thinking, okay.
08:07 So you're thinking, okay, he likes to eat fish. Basically, right? James gets it. I know. I know what I like. He's all about the Omikaze. I know how to find him. Yeah, but it was like, okay, we met IRL.
08:26 There's like a spark of connection. We went on a date. It was good. We were hanging out and he's over. And I was on my period. And I had read on the Internet that you can keep your tampon during sex. Oh, no. Oh, no.
08:47 Famously reliable, the Internet was a number of sex educator. And all of my alarms are going to. going off right now. James is like, oh, no, this is terrible, actually. Yeah, there's a rule of culture.
08:58 Al Gore's internet lies all the time, okay? I'm so sorry. This is before we had our AI gods. This was, I was totally relying on Quora, not even an assing jeez. No, actually the AI would be even worse, though.
09:12 The AI would totally be like, hey, put another tampon in. You can actually fuck the tampon into your body and leave it there and you won't die of toxic shock syndrome. Your body will absorb it. It will make you strong.
09:23 Exactly. That's what AI would tell you. So I kept the tampon in, just like a real, like a real ding-dong. And the sex was not good because a tampon was in there. And so that's really bad. Wait, can I ask a logistical question as a game name? Now, I have famously fingered a woman. So I do have a base understanding. A base, base understanding of what's going on down there.
09:50 But the tampon goes in this. I know there are different holes. The tampon goes in the one that you do fuck. Yeah. Okay. Just wanted to clarify.
10:02 It just gets pushed back. This is every conversation I have on Grindr. We're like, let's get on the ball. The tamper goes in the one you fuck, right? I'm like, yeah.
10:16 Come over. Yeah. You know, when. So what happened with your life raft buoy? And I don't know what I thought. I thought maybe it was like get pushed to the side
10:28 and then like the dick would slide in and it would be fine. I didn't think that it was going to get pushed. It sounds like, Danielle, you also only have a base understanding of what's going on down there. Can you believe? Nobody really knows how the female body works. It's never been studied before. Women are a mystery. It's like the bottom of the ocean.
10:51 People have heard about it. No one's really ever seen it. Can you believe I'm allowed to vote? You shouldn't be after this story. Yeah, I know. No. Wait, but could he feel it? Like, I feel like, you know, I can feel if there's a rock in my show.
11:09 I'm sure. And that's the thing. Like, because we had done it before without a time. Something's different. Something's different. Something's wrong. But he was like too polite to say anything about it. Or I don't know.
11:22 Or maybe he couldn't tell. Maybe he didn't. I know. Truly, right? They don't know what's going on down there either. Yeah, he was like, oh, this is new. This probably is something that I did the last time. I fucked her so good that it made her shallow.
11:35 I'm probably happy to be there. It's a lot bigger tonight for some reason. So the next morning, I'm like fishing for it. And I'm like, uh-oh. No. Uh-oh. I'm sorry, but fishing for it in context, like, referring to a tampon is tough. It's really tough.
11:55 It's tough to hear, Daniel. It's, but I'm, and you're also actively bleeding at this time? Yes. So I'm like, I'm trying to even find a string. Do you know what I mean? I'm like really like even with a grasping with a fingernail,
12:13 nothing's happening. I'm not getting a hook in. And I'm like starting to cry. What do I do? Right. And he's, I'm just like thinking like, oh my God, I'm going to have to go to the ER. Wait, is he still there? He is still there.
12:29 Oh, my God. I bet you were doing this in the privacy of your own bathroom. No, it is my bathroom, but he spent the night. And so he's hearing me like, oh, no, she's in distress. He's like, what's wrong? And then, like, I explain. And then he's like, maybe I could try to get it out. Huh.
12:47 Well, at least he's being helpful. A hero. A hero emerges. You need to give him a little pair of chopsticks. Well, how did we? We were like, what if I was upside down in the bathtub with my legs 180? No loop, hand in. No.
13:09 I was essentially fisted for the first time trying to get this tampon out. And this is a, this is a, this is a. This is like the second time we've hooked up. And this man, I assume, was an average. height and average hand size as well, correct? Yes. Yeah. Oh, God.
13:27 If only if it were the other guy, he would have had an easier time getting in there. Right. I know. That would have been so just a quick, no more traumatic than going to the ER. Yeah. But this was like, I was like, oh, my God. That's why every time I see like those videos of like girth master, I'm like, I, I, I win so little.
13:50 No, I don't need it. I know what that truth is. Give me boyfriend dick all day down, okay? I don't need to know about my second hole. Yeah, there's a second one. It reaches into a difference? Yeah, no. You don't want to know.
14:06 So how did you get it out? I need to know the word. He got it. He was deep in there. He just wrist deep in there. Got it out. That had to have been a good moment, though. Women's bodies are incredible.
14:24 He's a great American hero. And then you saw him again after that? I did. You did? He did. Well, how could you not? You owed him your life at this point. Basically, I was like, you saved me in ER Copay.
14:39 I was able to go to work after that. I think that like men who are willing to go full shark week and like say, I don't care that what's going on down. there as long as you want it, I'm fine with it. I think that's, that's real manhood right there. I agree. Chivalry is dead. Every man should be wrist deep inside of his one-time fishing a tampon out. I should have known. I should have known that he would have been cool with just like with a blanket, right? Eating blanket, putting it down. Just getting to it. Yeah. Now, Danielle, what did you learn, if anything, from these two experiences that you've sort of carried with you into the present day?
15:25 You know, I've learned, I've learned so many things, but I think, if anything, I've learned I'm Goldilocks. Not looking for something too small, not looking for something too big, just looking for something just right. Yeah. And that was Danielle Perez, one of the funniest people I know, and somehow still. single after all that. If you haven't heard her new episode of intimacy coordinator, go back and listen because the stories only get better with context. Catch Danielle as Darcy on Ballard on Prime Video with season two on the way and follow her on Instagram at Diva Deluxe. I'll see you guys next week.
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