Living in Austin (w/ Daniel Webb, Vanessa Gonzalez & Martha Kelly)
00:01Hello, hello, hello, and welcome to another edition of Intimacy Coordinator.I am Joel Kimbooster, your host.We have three comics here from Austin.My first former Austinite, Daniel Webb, he's a comedian who's been featured by Comedy Central Vulture NBC,and you can catch him on the road right now with Margaret Cho.She's a comedian, and you've seen her on Netflix, HBO, and Comedy Central.And you can check out her album, My Birthday's Tomorrow.It's Vanessa Gonzalez.
00:38Hello.Hey, hey, hey, yeah.And last, but certainly not.at least, to my right. She's a comedian and actress. You might know from baskets and commonside effects and fall out. And you can watch her in season three of Euphoria. It's the legendaryMartha Kelly. Hello. Thank you so much for it. So let's start first go around really quickly asas a icebreaker and tell me how long you've lived or live in Austin and then say one nicething about the men of Austin. Whoever wants to go first. I lived in Austin when I, for you.
01:11For 17 years, I moved the minute I graduated high school.I lived there for 17 years.Then I moved here to pursue stand-up.All foolish decisions.And one nice thing about the men in Austin is that they are closeted.Better for business.Do you think that's a statewide epidemic?Oh, sure.
01:35Yeah.That's the big city.Wait until you get in the trees.We'll circle back around to the trees.Vanessa.I moved to Austin in 2008, and I started comedy there.The year of hope and change.I know.
01:50I know.Well, with these guys, it was so lovely, and they gave me so much hope.And I'm back and forth now, and a nice thing about the men is they have mustaches.Okay.Unique to Austin.And now that you say it, I've never seen one outside of the city.Martha?I moved to Austin in 2000
02:14AndMy favorite thing about the men in AustinAt least when I lived thereWhich I did off and on until 2019Is that they areI mean this isI'm going to get canceledThey're like more manly men than Southern
02:36I grew up hereWoke is over guysYeah we're doneYeah, that's like, you'll not be canceled.I mean, manly in the sense of like,um, uh, they know how to, that's not even true.They know how to do things.They know how to do stuff.
02:50Martha, you mean a top.They're mostly top.Yeah, they know how to do things.They know how to fix the car.Yeah.And they still, even though I hate the misogyny, I do love that they will help a lady indistress, even if they think that you're a piece of shit.Can I cuss on this?
03:06It's like there's the misogyny you have to weigh against having a live intask rabbit. Right. Or someone who, my friend Matt, let me use his car because there was a spiderin the car that I was supposed to be driving that I had abandoned on the side of the road.I know what, though? I feel like that guy exists in like the Pacific Northwest too. Yeah.And he has the beard and the mustache. And he knows how to do things, very outdoorsy. Unfortunately,he lives in such a progressive place. He is out of the closet and out of proudness. He's Polly forfuck sake.So, yeah, nothing is perfect.
03:42Nothing is sacred.Why did you move to Austin and why did you stay in Austin and why did you leave in Austin?Very quickly.I am a musician, so I thought I was going to move to Austin to become a rock star slash,hopefully get signed by Wyndham Hill.This is a whole different life I did not know about you.Niche, I'm niche.And then I left.
04:08I waitress my way through the city, and I worked at every restaurant, and then I couldn't get hired anywhere.And so then I moved to, like I said, L.A. to be a standout.Wow.Slash hooker.Hookers are back.I can say that word.Fuck y'all.Yes.
04:25I'm from Laredo, Texas, down at the border, and I moved to Austin because I went to Texas State.Smart girl.Because I didn't go.I didn't get into UT.Oh, that never mind.Sorry, that's the one I was thinking of.But they had a good theater program at Texas State.So I did that.
04:42And then, I don't know, just like moving to L.A.seemed impossible to me at the time.So I was, yeah, I just thought, like, well, what's the closest, like, cool big city?And I looked up Austin sketch comedy.And I found this group called Latino Comedy Project.And I was like, hey, I'm Latino.I do sketch comedy.And I went.
05:05Wow.And it was that easy.And it was that easy.Well, it was funny too because I was like, do y'all have auditions for your sketch group?Not knowing that sketch groups are like friends that get together.And so I was total lame, but they let me in.Wow.Yeah, they liked my gum shin.
05:21I mean, gum shin alone gets a lot of people in very high places in this industry.Yeah.Martha.Why I moved to Austin?Because I had a crush on a guy and I loved getting.drunk there. It was way more fun than getting drunk here. And now I'm sober, a long time, butthat's why I moved to party and because I was boy crazy. Well, this is a good transition,because I want to talk about a little bit more about the men of Austin, and specifically what
05:54it is like to try and date in Austin. You followed a man to Austin. Did he identify as a Texan?Yeah, he was, he was from Texas. He went to Texas A&M. He, he, he, we flirted. We flirted.when I visited and thenmainly I wanted to move therebecause I hated living here and it wasfun there but I alsohad a crush on him but I found out before I movedthat he was not interested in more
06:19than what had happened when I visitedand I regrettedit but I had told everyone I was movingand my friends had a going away partyso I was like well I'm not going tobe humiliated. How long do you haveto wait to move back if your friends have thrownyou a going away party? If it's a fuck fail?
06:35Yeah. Like how longHow long until it's a respectful amount of timethat you can now come back with a tail between your hands?I'm like, why leave? Just stay lowand then just resurface a few months later.Like, you are coming back.But I was 31, about to turn 32,and I just had this stubborn pride and was like,
06:57and also I didn't want anyone to know why I didn't want to go anymore.Like, I didn't even tell the guy anything.It just, we flirted, and I liked him,and then he came out here and hooked up with one of my friendsright before I moved.I was like, well, if I...Let's dive in.This is terrible.
07:16I made a horrible mistake,but I guess I'm getting out there, getting to Texas.But it ended up being a great move.It just started out painful.What is your experience like dating, Daniel?I mean, you've alluded to it already.In Austin, I was in...Well, I was in the bisexual day,
07:35So it was both of that.But it was a big drinking town.So it was really just like who you like were drunkest the most with at the end of the night.It was kind of that experience.But I worked in a lot of restaurants.And so I got like the mix of the cuss, like horny customers sort of a thing.So I got slipped a lot of numbers when I didn't know what was going on.I could have fucking bagged a rich lawyer probably.
08:00I wouldn't even be here.Man, the sliding doors version of your life.It's so tragic.It really is.as many like as many tables as I turn so to speak.But it was honestly for the older crowd.I like older guys.That was always the scene and they were more confident in being like gay.
08:16I'm old.I'm fucking 44.So in those days you were still turn of the century.It wasn't okay to be out.It wasn't cool to be femme.You know what I mean?Well, you know what I mean?Like straight guys are femme now and they get away with that shit when I used to get your
08:28ass kicked.It was not cool.It was not a code switch of any kind.So the younger crowd was,you know, me included was still.in this weird non-identifyingplus I hated labels because it ruinedhow much I got to fuck
08:40you know? In what way? Wellif you say you're gayish anythingthen there goes yourwomen think they just want to invite youover for like actual slumber partyyeah that is tough. Can Ijust interjects Iknow so many women myself included
08:57who have had crushes on you Danieland so I don't think and I neverthought we got her here she can front you tono I just mean I never knewthat you were anything but gay, I never knew you'd been by.So I'm just saying you being gay, I don't think has discouraged any women from just thinkingthat you're, because you're beautiful and lovable.Thanks, Martha.
09:18Yeah.I appreciate that.Yeah.Well, the spectrum is still open.Yeah.I guess.Listen.Right.
09:23I'm not hitting on you.I'm old enough to be like your mom.Mark, she says that all the time.I'm 58.I could have been a teen mom.We are the same generation.I'm not hitting on you.I'm just wanting you to know women love you.
09:34Martha?Thank you.You would have been in the same youth.Yes.I want to be the kid.Vanessa's our baby.But very welcoming.I never felt like a lot of hate in Austin.
09:44Really?Being like a, yeah, not really.Nice.It was until I became a comic that I experienced hate.Oh, yeah.That is, we are the most depressed people on the planet.Yeah.Vanessa.
09:57Well, I moved there and I like jumped into like sketch comedy improv and all that.And that became your lover.Right.You know, that's how, you know, everyone hooks up.And it was like I didn't, I'm currently with the only boyfriend I've ever had.So I've only had the one.And before him, it was always like, yeah, hookups.And then I'm like, you're my boyfriend?
10:20And they're like, no.And I thought and I thought like, oh, I should, you know, date a comedian.Always, always bad.Always bad.And then dating, like, I had one.And like, I think I'd turn 30 and I was like, I'm going to be a slut this year.And I downloaded the apps.And I was like, you know, hooking up with all these Latino guys.
10:45And in Texas, you know, but in Texas, you know, they're very like, I would be like, I'm a comedian.And they were just like not interested in that.And like never wanted to like see me perform or.And it was just like we're hooking up and like.We don't like that you're funny until I met my boyfriend who the first time he like saw me was at a show.And I was trying to like be cool.And I talked to like my hot friend John.I was like, talk to me because there's a guy here.
11:21I love the gameplay.I know.Because I was like, I think that's what guys like, right?Bitches.And I'm like, I think that's why I don't have a boyfriend.I think I need to be a bitch.And so he came and.And he was like, hey, great show.
11:35And I was like, mm-hmm.And I kept talking.And now we've been together for 12 years.It is such a fucking disease of the mind in both men and women.Gay men, gay women.Like, I've seen it and I've experienced it from everybody.Negging.People, people really think it works.
11:53And it must.It must, right?It must work for some people.It must work on some people to be negged.I think it's straight guys.I mean, I think it's that.It's that heteronormative thing because they got to,bring you down before.
12:05All my Dom friends, it's those guyswho won't have their ball smashed into a cage.But I know plenty of women who do it too,you know.And I famously got asked by a guyhe was negging me but also hitting on me.He was, I was eating a salad.And he said,
12:21Well, you really don't eat that salad confidently.Oh my God.I was like, new insecurity just dropped.I didn't realize there was a right way to eat salad.Was this in a bar?Where were you?I was at high tops and it was like the day that LA reopened after COVID.And so everyone forgot how to flirt.
12:39I didn't know in a real way.The day everything we opened, I was at a bar with a bunch of Austin people and people were just dropping glasses.I was like, I feel like I'm on a ship.Yeah.Like I feel, you know what I mean?People were just like all over the place.Yeah.People really forgot how to be.
13:09Is Austin weird?Was it ever weird?What's the weirdest thing that's happened?you in Austin.When I moved there, there were all these old people who told me it used to be weird.So I think it used to be.How long do you think old people have been telling people that it used to be weird?Probably since like the early 80s, I think maybe is when it started to be like a, I don't
13:37even know.I'm making that up.But I feel like it was like a musician town and a liberal town in the middle ofof a really conservative state.And then, and it was cheap.Even when I moved there in 2000,you could rent, me and my roommate rented a houseand I think we each paid like 500.
13:59For a house.A house on Rainey Street, which was crazy.That's pretty fucking weird.Yeah.I mean, but I think by weird,they mean that you could be an artistwith a waitressing job and live decently.I don't know that it was ever weird.
14:14Like you would go there and be like,Whoa, man.Everyone's naked.There was this guy, Molly Ivins is a great source for weirdness in Texas and Austin.Speaking of naked people, there was someone who protest.A woman did a protest because you can be topless in Austin, but you couldn't be full nude.And her topless was she did the naked cartwheels all the way up Congress all the way to the cartwheel.Cartwheels up all the way up to Congress.
14:39But there was this customer of mine.He lived in Austin for a long time.And he and his wife would have lunch all the time.And he would say horrible things.And she would, he, a woman would walk in.And he would say, like, as long as I have a face, that woman has a place to sit.And she'd go, oh, Frank.Like, in front of his wife, he said they all lined up to throw eggs at LBJ's funeral procession, like, things like that.
15:01He's the one who makes, because he's the one who told me that one day he was standing at a stoplight and saw Ann Richards and Bob Bullock run a red light at Red River and, like, ninth drunk as shit.And those are legislators.Those are very famous Texas politics.and Richard's a legend and sober she later got sober but to me I'm like wowelected officials are running red lights drunk as shit in downtown Austin thatsounds dangerous but fun so to me that's the weird era lawlessness lawlessnessyeah cults yeah cults and lawlessness and drunk driving very very weird to mehonestly it honestly weird to me because I'm like Uber exists now what are you fucking
15:41doing it's not weird now it's likeI think it's the red, it's not blue.It feels more Republican now.Who do you blame more for this?Tech or Joe Rogan?I mean, the obvious is Joe Rogan.Yeah, tech isn't ever there.I don't feel like it's that.
16:03Like Michael Dell can fucking suck a dick, but he's one person.The rest of that vibe didn't come with him.And the rich, I don't know, the rich people aren't really in Austin.They're way out and they're in other cities.They're on the outskirts.Yeah.The actual community vibe, the personality change is that vibe.The people who moved to the minority to be the majority and fucking middle finger every other person.
16:29When I started stand up, it was every person you could possibly imagine doing it.Yeah.Like every last vibe, stripe, whatever.And now it's just the same homogenized, bigoted, fucking like.Hill Tony.Yeah.Same perspective.Yeah.
16:43I remember when I used to do Moon Tower, the comedy festival in Austin.It was so diverse, not in just like in checkboxy ways of race and sexuality.That existed, but just in the kind of comic that was being booked at Moon Tower.And like, it's now I had a show in Austin recently, and it was just so weird.The vibe was so off.Well, it's all, it's, everything is blurring into that.It's the Bezos at the gala.It's Ivanka on the.
17:13the Kardashians. It's this like, what the fuck are we doing? It's Kanye at the comedy store twonights ago. Like, what are we doing? All these, all these things are blurring? And it's that,it's coming into our communities like that. And it's just, what are you going to do when it happens?And what are people in Austin doing? Are they showing up at the venues because that's the gig?Or are they showing up the venue because it's like, fuck you and fuck all of this? Like, why are youthere? I think that's what the occasion is calling for right now. Did any of you experience anysituation where you were maybe flirting with someone or went on a date with someone and then foundout that they were deeply conservative.
17:51And how did you navigate that experience?I kind of did, but again, it was someone who, like we went on dates and he kissed me on themouth one time.And to me it was like, I guess we're dating.But to him, it was like, no, you're just somebody I take out sometimes and buy a meal.But we weren't dating.but I didn't know he was conservative until like the last time that we,but this was in 2000.
18:18So this was when I still was like,all these cowboys are really nice at heartand who cares if they are kind of chauvinousbecause they're still,I mean,that particular guy drove to San Antonioto drive me home from a comedy festival I was bombing at.And you're not dating.
18:37And we weren't dating.That's absurd.but this in 2000 that was right that was like sort of the height of James Carville and whatever his wife wasoh yeah they've been out of the news for so long when it was like so charming that it was like a republican and a Democrat married and we all thought it was so cute and like isn't it great and like it's now i can'tlike it would be so insane i think yeah um be dating somebody on the opposite end of the spectrumI will say in that not great guy's defense, he, he wasn't conservative like MAGA racist conservative.He was like, just regular evil.Yeah, just like his mom looked me up and down at his housewarming party and it was like clearly I did not meet her standards of what was a feminine.
19:30I'm sorry, you met this person's mother and you weren't dating?According to him.He was fucking playing games because that is crazy.That is some West Wilson bullshit.I think you were dating.But those are the kinds of guys that I normally liked was the ones where I'd be like,does he like me or not?If someone was really gung-ho, I'd be like, what's happening?
19:53Something must be wrong.But that's because of my own messed up shit, you know?I think everybody in this room has experienced a little bit of that.Yeah, I think that's what I think.thought dating was. It's like, oh, they're supposed to seem like they don't like you. And thenyou got to like earn it or like make it. That's what was me in my 20s. I was like I got to makethem like me. And then now as an adult, I'm like, oh, I think that guy, like I dated one white guy.And I'm like, I think he was racist. Like he said, you know, but like years later. But in my 20s,
20:25I'm like, ha ha ha, that's so funny. You're so funny making fun of the way I talk. So yeah, I thinkit's it just like nowthat I look back I'm like yeah probablythe game there are so manyconservative gay men just in general out in theworld now and I met so many of themin Austin and it's so bizarrethat and it is so typical because
21:00we got what we wanted marriageand now it's like fuck everybody elsewith those guys specificallybecause the cognitive dissonance you haveto have to be a queer personand still support this administrationjust seems insane howhow is your experience with that well I will forever
21:16a quote Molly Ivins because in Texasgay men were afraid tocome out of the closet for fear of people thinkingthey were Democrat.That is a 40-year-old joke.But here's the problem withsucking anonymous dick is there's so many questionsyou don't ask. Names.
21:32You get an address, maybe, orlocation, but there's a lotor, or if you arein a club or public environmentwhere maybe the lights are dim. You know, you're noteven getting a face sometimes. SoI'm sure just by numbers,I have accidentally sucked some conservative dick.
21:49But I will say when this flavor came onto, so to speak, came onto the scene.It really, my radar changed as to who I was just, who I was letting in me.What adjustments did you make to the radar?Well, I feel like there's a, if they have guns in the living room, that's different.If there's a gun in the bedroom, that's hot.See, for me, it's if they have more than one katana on the wall.Yeah, totally.Same.
22:19I need you to, well, because I like older guys.So that's a little different.If you have like a framed Mary Martin autographed by the bed, that's probably safe.I don't know.If there's a family photo anywhere in the bedroom, you're probably MAGA and cheating on somebody.Yeah.Well, that's how they roll.That's not me.
22:37That's them.I love you doing like the quick scan of the room, like a detective.Like, it's Sherlock, like seeing every little dean.What does that mean?I would actually watch a show where you enter it's room raiders, but are they again?Or are they closet?I could do that.Somehow I never find the condom.
22:57This is not in my little thing.But I think, yeah, just probably by default I had to.Do you think, if say they're not MAGA, you know, tall bar to clear, could you ever see yourself?Like what is something that you could disagree with?with your partner and still make it work.When I moved to Austin, there were these guys called the Republic of Texas, and they'rethese secessionists.They're the people who, that one little nut hair of a clause that says, we're the only state
23:31that can secede from the union, so to speak, whenever we joined from being a country.So there are these old cowboys who wave a Texas flag every once in front of the capital becausethey think that we should secede and be our own country.So I'm like on board with their bat shit kind of like that's fun sureLet's get on a boat sail to TexasIt's low sticksIt's like a low stakes political issue because like ultimately what are they going to do?Totally I mean I don't know I'm pretty like
23:58Unless we're into whips and chains kind of fuckingI don't really think I got to be on the same like political level as youI'm trying to think of this answer for myselfBecause like they're I don't knowIf you think we didn't land on the moon I can let that gothat's a really good one tooI care less about the fucking moonright exactly
24:18like why do we keep goingyes that's a really good oneI'll just put a crater in youso conspiracy theories we're okay withyeah I mean that'sthat'sto me conspiracy level is what everybodywe're forced to deal with now
24:32I'm thinking a little bit outside of the politicalbox and what is a crazy thingbecause like I don't think I could be with aflat eartherbut likethey're out thereI totally buy the moon when it was faked.Sure, why not?
24:45It looks like shit.But yeah, I guess like I could date somebody who was like aggressively vegan.Oh, you know?Yeah, I feel that.That is difficult.If somebody wanted to come at me and be like, because I'm all for like gun control and background checks, but I don't give any dude I fuck.I certainly didn't give my boyfriend a background check before we, you know what I mean?There was no research on that before I was into it.
25:12So, I mean, technically I'm a hypocrite.Well, I don't know.Technically.I went to a gun range for my bachelor party.Yeah.And it was the most fun part of the trip.Really?But it only reaffirmed my commitment to gun control because I was like, oh, absolutely
25:27no one should just have this.Like this is great.Like in this controlled environment, it like made sense and like hunting, sure.I guess I'm with you.Like there are context.Well, I mean, rule number one, only sexy people should have guns.Rule number one.Yes.
25:40That's it.If I get shot by.by an ugly person, I'm going to die furious.Yeah, and hot people are just happy.I mean, look at, yeah.They don't even need a gun.They're just doing it into the air, celebrating their incredible job.I'm hot.
25:54Fucking flowers fall from this guy.This is just for you two.Do you ever miss it?I miss it all the time.And in fact, I'm going there next week for a few days.And the last time I went in December when I drove in from the airport, I was like,My heart, because there is a strip of airport Boulevard between the actual airport and, like, the center of town where it looks a lot like it used to.It's still like no sidewalks, just a two-lane kind of, or four-lane.
26:27But, you know, like a no separation between the asphalt and the dirt and houses and businesses.And it feels like old Austin in my heart.I miss it.It will always be.If you meet a guy who's moving to Austin, really confirm.Do not go back.I don't think I'm ever going to date again, Joel.I don't think I have the inner fortitude to either get rejected or reject someone else.
27:01I can't do it.I've decided I don't, it's not worth it.I said the very same thing on a podcast in 2021 and three months later I met my husband.Okay, but you're a young person.Sure.And when you're young, you still, I'm not negating your experience.I totally did, and I'm sorry, I didn't mean to.I just mean when I was young, it was easy to be like, yeah, okay, let's get, let's get back in there.
27:27And then at some point, I just was like, not to be, I don't want to be a bummer, but I've never had great sex.The best sex I've had was like fine.and so with all of the bad relationships I've had and that,it's like when I finally enjoy being alone with my petsand I have friends I can see whenever I don't want to be alone,why would I put myself through the ringer, you know?Well, I mean, that is sort of the case is if you are not happy with yourself, by yourself,you will never be happy in a relationship either.
28:05Right.Like you might think that.It might bring you temporary comfort, but like unless you've done that work to be happy with who you are,like another person added in the mix is not going to fix any of the problems.But once you are happy by yourself, it's really easy to get too happy with it and be like,why would I risk pain when this feels totally fine?I feel like the internet is going to rally to make sure you get laid really fucking well after this.Can I say something really cancelable?
28:41I mean, listen.In my opinion, the only straight men who could be good at sex would be a fair amount younger than me.Like guys my age, my generation men, I don't think they tried to be great at sex for the most part unless they were a full-on lady killer with a huge thing.thing and most men were likedon't care in my age and thenand I don't want to be likedating, hooking up with young guysI don't, and then
29:17because then I can't judge the youngthe old guys who hook up with young womenI don't want to let that go.What's the youngest you would go? What'sthe bar? I mean, so I'm58. It honestlylike late 40s is probablythe youngest because even
29:35If I was like, maybe mid-40s, like, no, because that's young.They're still figuring stuff out.They're still, they've still got, they could still have a family.Yeah.That's the last thing you want is a family.I mean, like, if I met like a widowed, really sweet man with young adult kids and they,they could be like, I'm so glad my dad's happy again.Like, that would be sweet.
30:04But again, I'm this close to then being a caregiver of an old man.Wow.I did not even think about that.I'm sorry to be like such a...No, you wait out the pros and cons.It's good.Because like if you're going to adopt an old dog, you know that dog's going to die.Right.
30:22You get so much time.You get so much time.I will say if he's like 48, though, you have a good like 30 years.Yeah.Also, all these men...Make him do like a physical before you start.dating.But 48, yeah, but I don't know that I think a lot of 48-year-old men are like if they're single
30:41at this point, it's because they're divorced most of the time and they're probably like,let me see if I can hook up with a 30-year-old now that I'm free again.I think that is kind of a thing with a lot of straight guys, not to disparage men.I think it's a thing with a lot of gay guys too.Yeah, totally.I think it's like.Also, I don't want to stop you from disparaging straight guys at all, Martha.Disparage a way.
31:03No one on this podcast would ever stop.But every man you just describe is out there.Not the crazy ones, but the potential, they're all out there.I think that, like a Tim Walz type in Minnesota would probably be fun.Like a guy who can laugh at himself and isn't, you know, uptight and weird.Unfortunately, by the laws of podcasting manifestation, you will end up falling in love with a 22-year-old who looks like Tim Walts.No way.My niece and nephew are 18 and 19, and anybody under late 30s is a child to me.
31:40And even late 30s, I wouldn't date.What if it's bad bunny dressed as an old man?You got to go with bad bunny.As an old man.I mean, I do have to say, I appreciate beautiful young men,but not in a way that is like the female equivalent of I don't get a boner from it.Whatever the female.Do you know what I mean?
32:05You might go, oh my God, he's handsome, but it isn't like, I got to get in there.You know what I mean?Your bow tie doesn't spin.You're not circling the block outside of football practice.Yeah, my eyes don't bald.Yeah.That's a thing.Everything is bigger in Texas, so they say.
32:39Is that your experience?Speaking specifically about dicks.Oh, no.Pretty much the same or?I mean, yeah, I was never like, oh my God.I never clutched my pearls.I'm like, yeah, there's.I'm counting.
33:01You've seen big ones?I think the smallest sticks I've seen are in L.A.Oh.Interesting.Yeah.And also kind of tracks.Right.All those.
33:09People chasing something else to like, yeah.All the inadequacies show up here.Right.But no, yeah, I don't think.In Texas, yeah.It's very rare that I've seen a man's dick and been like, oh, that just doesn't happen.No.Sometimes it's an emergency.
33:24You're like, oh, my God.And then, you know, it's that.You've got to make a call.Yeah.I think I told this once, but one guy, it was like his testicles.It was like a medical situation.So that to me, not to revisit, but that to me, that really out, it really eclipsed everything.Yeah.
33:39So, yeah, the biggest balls, definitely Texas.A lot of big balls, yes.Low hangers.Okay.People need to be studying this.I think it's the heat.The humidity.Martha, did you see enough of a sample size in Austin to get an idea?
33:54So my sample size is small because my specialty was getting drunk and making out with guysand not actually going all the ways, they say.So I think I've only had sucks with five guys total in my life.Good too.And I wish I had been a bigger slut when I was drinking because it's,It's much easier to be adventurous.But I mean, I feel like half the reason people get drunk in America is to feel comfortable enough to have sex.Yeah.
34:27Yeah.Absolutely.Yeah.But even drunk, I was still like, no, if we have sex, I'll get attached.I just would make out with guys.That's underrated.Getting drunk and making out is fine.It is fun.
34:41But yeah, I don't, I've never been with a guy who was like what you would say.say impressively endowed.And if you are attached to somebody emotionally, I don't care about that.But I do think, I wonder if it's like this for gay men.I think that straight men with huge, sorry, but huge dicks who are good at, who like to havesucks, I think that they can get any woman they want to stay with them even if they're acomplete asshole.Like I think it's so rare for guys to have a huge
35:19duck and be good at sucks.I think there are straight women who are like,this is a once in a lifetime findand I'm not going to let go.Is that at all true?I definitely find that a lot of guysdo rest on the laurels of having a big dick.You have to do all the work.
35:39Yeah.You have to do all the work.Because that is a very viable currency in our community.The things people willlet gay guys get away with because they have big dicks. It's crazy. Yeah, I will also, also my experience,like most when I didn't have a boyfriend, I have a boyfriend. Like, yeah, the sex, I was always like,that's it. Like I never, you know, I always was like, the sex or the penis. Both. Like, like, theynever really were like worried about me getting off or anything. And it was until I got a boyfriend. I
36:11have a boyfriend where it's like oh someone actually cares about me and you could talk and feelcomfortable and say this is what I want and stuff but I never felt comfortable with like otherguys being like um can you please um do that longer can you make that longer I was just like I guessI got to let them do whatever they want and it was never great yeah I think gay men have rolesestablished or especially if you're using apps you fucking check the roles you want toplay and so there's some identity of what is going to transpire or level of expectation.You mean like if they're top, you assume their dick is bigger?Oh, no.
36:53I mean, it's like as far as like satisfaction or who's going to get there, not.But I do think big dick throws all that out the window because the big dick is just like,like they're just like look at it.And then you're supposed to fucking profit in China.Yeah, you're the like you're the paid audience, right?There's and let's be real like height has nothing to do with it.Like there is no correlation.Race, like, listen, I've seen some go to the Asians, not Asian guy, NSW subreddit, and you'll see some big ass Asian penises.
37:26Like, it is like, there is no like connection.It is completely at random.God hates us.Yeah, it is a big thing.Okay, well, what has made you all believe in love this week?something you have experienced, seen, heard, done.You can take a second, we'll cut it all out.You mean like specifically romantic love?
37:50No, it can be any kind of love.I'm going to think about it.I'm like, it's only Tuesday.Calendar week.Something that made me believe in love.Oh, okay, I'll say this.Something that made me believe in love is that my boyfriend who is not into it,Not because he doesn't like it, but it's just not his world.
38:11I forgot because I've been out of town, but it was Sunday night.And he was like, oh, dude, you have to watch the new episode of The Comeback.Oh.I was like, you know, sometimes that's all it takes.So on a really stupid level, that's it.But I brought that son of a bitch fucking Lilikoi Mochi from Hawaii and he hasn't touched it.Oh, well.Yin and yong, y'all.
38:34Yeah.The like knowledge of your media diet and respect and care to you.media diet is so to me romantic like my husband and I do shit like that all the time it's emotional um it'syeah it's great Vanessa you have yeah I like that or like waiting to watch something together yeahit's like oh there's a new episode well that's wait for you by the way I'm in a non monogamousrelationship I could give a shit who he fucks but if he watches one of our shows with someone elseyeah it's that it hurts yeah we found a new cult doc to watch and then I went out of town andthere were like new episodes I was like man don't do this to him do not do this to him
39:08What is it? Can I ask it?It's called Trust Me.Oh, I've heard of that.FLDES, one of the best.Yes.I loved that one.That's good.Bad ass.
39:17Yeah, it's really good.Look at us.Oh, the one that went under cover.Yeah.Oh, that was a great one.It's insane.Yeah.Okay.
39:26I'd say my friends, I've gotten a lot of, like, nice, just check-ins with friends lately.And it's just always, I don't know, it always just makes me feel good.Like, when you get caught.up and like you know the internet and like doing comedy and all this stuff it's just like ohpeople care about me like just for me being me and that's nice so how are are you okayi don't care i'm having a hard time my mom mine uh again i might get canceledimagining martha kelly getting canceled is actually a really fun product exercise it's gonnahappen at some point and not because of
40:08hiding any secrets just because I'm dumb.But so the first thing that camein my mind was this thing on TikTok thatliberal fellow liberal leftistswere mad at this, but it got to me.It was this mom who decorated her daughter.She had two daughters moving into a dormat a Southern school, and she had decorated their room for them.
40:35And it's like rich Southern white peoplewith a lot of money. It's sorority shit. I get, that's not my favorite thing. But my favorite thing,one of my favorite things, because I'm so attached to my niece and nephew, is the way moms want,they just don't want to let go when you're, especially when you're newly going off. It's like that,my heart for that lady of just being like, I, she loves them so much. She's like, well, let me do thisthing before you get out there.stuff like thatand my mom's gone so I get really
41:12fucking mushy about mom'sstuff but yeahyeah that was the thingwell thanksI guess we're ending onMartha's dead momif she were hereshe actually landed the plane on this one
41:27you guysthat way you thought was going to get you canceledthat is what's getting you canceledI can't listen at the drop of a hatI bring up my dadmy dad parents are bothdone let me work it in thank you guys all so much for being here daniel web tell the people wherethey can find you what are you doing these days uh i'm on tour with the legend and icon margaret
41:49cho for her chole ligarchy tour uh i myself have my own shows and my own dog and pony showyou can find all that at the daniel web dot combe two bees um you can follow me at vanessa g comedyon all the socials venasacomody dot com i'm in these streetsSeason 3 of Euphoria and then desperately trying to become an influencer on TikTok.And my handle is Martha dash Kelly dash Tick-Tac.Wow.I can't believe it hasn't happened for you already.I would watch and listen to you all day.
42:25No matter what it is.You guys have been fantastic.I'm Joel Kimbooster.Rate us five stars wherever you're listening to this.And until next time, bye-bye.
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