Beach Too Sandy, Water Too Wet - 237: Reviews of Classic Literature

Episode Date: June 14, 2023

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Canada only. No purchase necessary. Visit the Tim's app for details. Welcome to Beach to Sandy, Water to Wet. A podcast featuring real reviews written by people who just need the world to know what they think. Between you and me, I wanted to like this podcast, but I'd give it zero stars if I could. Good day and morrow and tomorrow. Oh, tally-ho.

What do you say when you go to the Renaissance Fair? Why? What is this theme? Classic. Literature? Literature. What do you say? Hail and good met. Met. Meet.

Hail. Hail and well met. Let me start over. The Renaissance. Hail and well met is what I mean. Don't look it meet. Hail. Hail and well met. Let me start over. The Renaissance. Hail and well met is what I mean. Don't look it up. Fair. Okay.

Fare thee well. Oh, oh, I'm supposed to say good morrow. And then I say good day, my lady. That's weird. Hail and well met. Oh, wait. Maybe that's a thing just from the Adventure Zone. Oh, man. We got shit on thing just from the Adventure Zone. Huzzah.

Oh, man. We got shit on by Merlin. Who's that? Merlin. He's a wizard. Who? Merlin. Why?

He's a wizard. So when Steven, JP, and I went to Vegas many years ago, we went to, I don't even remember the name. I think it was at Camelot, at the place Camelot. They had a medieval times type show with jousting and whatever. And Merlin, so we were just showing up. We were kind of late to our seats, just as Merlin's getting the crowd pumped. And Merlin was like, okay everyone like say huzzah and like everyone was doing it but like we were talking to the person who was seating us and they were asking us about food and they left and Merlin looked right at us and said

you three and because like to the dungeon only and he had only the three of us stand up and yell huzzah. Huzzah. Oh, no. So we still say huzzah to each other all the time. But yeah, no, we were called out for not participating. But then, like, we were there to participate. We're not like, we weren't shying away from anything. It just was an unfortunate timing.

And then, man, did we boo? Did we boo the other side? Because every section has like a guy they're rooting for oh we were we were monsters we were just like just like freaking out at like whenever they get close to us they like and the the riders that we were booing like acknowledged us they didn't flip us off but they were just like like waving us off and we're like oh i don't piss us off more it was great it was a great time changed you oh yeah you've never really been the same no no no i boot people all the time now you just keep screaming huzzah anyway this is about uh classic literature i mean it's pretty

obvious at this point but um we're reading reviews of classic literature much like we did last week when we read reviews of twilight uh and so i have a lot should i go first sure okay so this was sent in by megan and melanie and uh this is a two-star review of oliver twist nice yes i don't think i ever read that i didn't watch the movie i never did either one of those things. Please, sir, may I have some more? Or whatever. Just hold that thought. Okay, I'm holding it.

Two stars by Paul, who has written 2,194 reviews on Goodreads. It's a lot. That is a lot of books. It's a lot. Unless it's just all of Oliver Twist. They're just repeated, updated reviews of Oliver Twist. Okay. Oliver Twist, the book, is crap and has no songs in it.

I couldn't believe it. So I Googled and get this. It turns out they put those in the movie and Dickens had nothing to do with it. But since they were the best bit of the film, you can understand my horror and bereft sense of disappointment when I finally came to pick up the book. How could Dickens not have thought of having little Oliver Singh wear his love when chucked into the cellar? Or who will buy this loverly morning when he wakes up in his posh house? I mean, yeah, he was supposed to be good, wasn't he? And please note the edition I read was not a Reader's Digest condensed edition.

the edition I read was not a Reader's Digest condensed edition. When you don't have Fagin capering about warbling in this life one thing counts in the bank large amounts, I'm afraid these don't grow on trees you gotta pick a pocket or two. With that heterastic twinkle in his eye as he surveys his small boys, then alas, I'm sorry to say that what you're left with is a bit of an anti-Semitic caricature lashed to a morality tale whose immoral moral appears to be that rich is good, poor is bad, and you better get yourself a deus ex machina in the form of a very unlikely sugar daddy to magic you out of the poorhouse or the rats will eat your bullocks. Your bones will turn to dust and be blown away and no one will ever hire cute kids to pretend to be you on stage or screen and melt our hearts and win oscars and tonys which i think we all knew end of review jesus fucking christ that's how you started the episode i meant to say at the beginning of this review i meant to say it starts out in one direction and then like veers into some unknown territory and then direct it felt like it didn't

start anywhere i guess it kind of did of like, oh, not the songs. I think just downward. But yeah, no, it was, it was. I mean, I can see why this person has written so many reviews. They clearly have a way with words. This. I mean, when you said that, I thought this review is going to be really short and like a jokey review when this person had written so many. Because it felt like, oh, ha ha, they don't put songs in the thing.

And they like took such a form. No, that's what I thought it was going to end with. They clearly know enough about the book that they actually wrote about the book. Does that make sense? It wasn't just like they were joking. I thought it was a joke review and then they kept going. And I'm like, I mean, maybe they're kind of being tongue in cheek somewhat. Yes.

But some of those criticisms seem very pointed and very... Yes, yes. I don't know. I haven't read the book, but... I just love the last line which i think we all knew and i'm like sorry rewind i was like no that's not no no no no no fast forward please i'm done yeah this one had 621 i'm sorry 629 likes and 334 comments so clearly this person it reminds me of the last episode with your um what is that move letterbox where

it's like they kind of have like characters that not characters but like users who are prolific on the website and get a lot of traction no absolutely oh my gosh anyway thank you megan and melanie for that i mean i now i don't know if i should be reading that book why i don't know why would you read the book i don't know because it's classic literature i don't know if I should be reading that book. Why? I don't know. Why would you read the book? I don't know, because it's classic literature. I don't know. I feel like we missed the Oliver Twist train, like the fad, you know? The fad.

So I feel like now it's a little too late to really get on board. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, my gosh. I did. So I really like Great Expectations by Charles Dickens. I knew you were going to say that. Fucking pip.

I don't know why, but that book was one of the few. I haven't read it in a while, so don't come after me if I shouldn't be liking that book for some reason. What was your favorite song? I remember the movie being weird. Anyway. I remember the book being fucking weird. I think they're making a new

movie called like Havisham, or maybe they already made it, like about Miss Havisham or something they already made it like about Miss Havisham or something which I'm like I'm in. I remember. I fucking I don't know why but that book I loved that book. Okay don't say it out loud but who was your teacher for that book? I don't know.

Was it? Cause I had Huh? Oh. And she just made it a nightmare. Okay. She made it a nightmare she made it a nightmare i don't think i ever had it was my first experience in high school and i got she just like made it it was it was either oh or i don't know either of those yeah no you knew the first one. Who? He taught us in eighth grade and ninth grade. Oh, that one.

Yes, that one. It was either him or it was someone else. I would have liked it with him as a teacher, I think. Maybe it was a teacher with all the pictures on his walls. Yeah. Where we're talking in code about our high school teachers. I just talked about him in therapy. That's weird.

Oh, I saw one of our eighth grade. Oh my God, I thought you were going to say, I saw that. And I was like, where? Was he streaming it? Your therapist was. Yes. No, I saw our eighth grade history teacher in John and I were at,

at, at trivia with Ashley and Mr. Schmidt. Yeah. No. Yeah. Do you know that? And John was like,

that's him. Right. And I turn around. I was like, Oh shit. Do you know that? And John was like, that's him. Right. And I turn around. I was like, Oh shit. Do you know that? I know his birthday. When is it?

January 4th. Oh my God. He's a Capricorn. Just like blaze. I know his birthday. I also know who he voted for in 2004. Okay. Anyway.

Because I asked him, not because I looked it up. Yeah, I figured. I assume it's not who you would have voted for if you could vote at that age. I'm not going to say anymore on the subject. Here is a review. Like I said, this is the Jeanette show because Jeanette sent in i have five

reviews from jeanette cool here's a one-star review of anne of green gables wait a second i'm waiting for that time when there was that person named gene and you were like this is from gian yeah i do you should say gianette gette. Watch Gianette say, hey, that's actually how you pronounce it. It's Gianette. When you were like, Gian, and I'm like, what the fuck is Gian? I'm thinking Leanne, I think. J-E-A-N-N-E. I'm sorry, but if it's spelled with an L, it's not lean, is it?

I'm just saying. Am I wrong? But it would be if it was spelled L, right? L-E-A-N-N would be Leanne. Oh, yeah, you're right. That's why I said G-Anne. G-Anne. I understand it's most likely wrong.

But hey, I said, Christina, that's so funny you say that because when I saw this email, I was like, okay, I scrolled down. I was like, I hopeed down I was like I hope like they put a pronunciation guide yeah and I was like no it's Jeanette it's gotta be it's definitely Jeanette it's not Jeanette I would probably bet a good amount of money on that but it's Jeanette which is why I said Jeanette from the beginning I know but I needed I haven't I had to bring it up I thought you reacted to Anne of Green Gables oh I didn't even hear that yeah that's what this is a review of.

That's why I repeated it. I never read that. Me neither. This is William's review. This is a very long book. I like the ending of this book. The part where it ended. End of review. That's such a dad joke. Like, a dad joke in general,

but also our dad. My favorite part was the ending, is what he always says. William's currently reading Hillbilly Elegy. Oh, let's hear what his favorite part of that is. No, we don't want to talk about. I read that book. Didn't we just talk about this book like two days ago? I don't think so.

Maybe that was me in place. But fucking J.D. Vance. Fuck that guy, man. Yeah. Anyway. Anyway. I don't want to talk about it. Okay. You thought it up. that's my first from jeanette

okay so i have one from john uh and this is a review of the bible in large print have you ever read a book in large print just the bible okay i went to the library uh last year and was looking for, I checked out the night circus. Huh? And as I was checking it out, they said, you know, we have it over there for sale for a nickel. And I was like. Just a nickel. I'm serious.

I believe it. I went into my car. I said, okay, hold on. And I went into my car into the change cup and I pulled out a nickel that probably came in one of dad's like spam mail envelopes if I'm being honest

and I walked in and I was like I really have to pay for this? like it's an okay whatever so I gave her a nickel and I took it home but it's like a large print and

that's hilarious it's kind of nice because you feel like you're going through it so fast oh I like that yeah yeah it's like kindle you know like on the kindle you're going through many pages you feel like you're going through it so fast. Oh, I like that. Yeah. Yeah. It's like Kindle, you know, like on the Kindle, you're going through many pages. You feel like you're turning the pages so fast. Anyway.

Huh. Interesting. That's my experience with large print. Hey, sounds great. Whoa. What are you listening to this for? Wait, who's talking? You know, you're driving a 2024 Ford Escape with available Alexa built in, so you can change the music.

Oh, yeah. Alexa, change station to 99.2. See? Purchase a 2024 Escape ST-Line all-wheel drive with Tech Pack at 3.49% APR for 72 months with down payment. That's just $267 bi-weekly. Cash value of $40,294. Plus, eligible Ford owners get a $1,000 bonus. For details, visit your local Ford store or Ford.ca. Today, something is coming. Kong, Godzilla, they can feel it. Fight together. It's human up. Or face extinction. Godzilla Kong, the new empire, now playing only in theaters. So this is from John. It's a review of the Bible in large print by Jesse,

a verified purchase on Amazon. It's a one-star review. The title is Not Very Christian. Yeah. Don't buy. Disgraceful. Don't sacrifice filthy wordage for the large print. End of review.

What? Maybe they misread it when it was small. I'm so confused. Yeah, right? And now that it's big, they're like, that's what it says? That's in the Bible? Women submit to the men. Wait, hang on a second. Yeah, no, honestly, I wouldn't be surprised. I can't eat shellfish? What the fuck? Yeah, I wouldn't be surprised.

This doesn't seem very Christian to me. Yeah, so I don't know. That's what John said, too. Like, I don't know what about it being large print makes it non-Christian. Yeah. Apparently. That is weird. Be careful.

Be careful. That's kind of funny, though. Alrighty. My next one is of To Kill a Mockingbird. Oh, my. Which I definitely read, but it's been so long. I remember enjoying it i don't know it's a good one but here we go here's a one-star review while the plot was very gripping

and well written the book didn't actually instruct me on how to kill a mockingbird i bought this book intending to do away with this obnoxious bird that's always sitting in my backyard making distracting noises i'd hope this book would shed some light on how to humanely dispose of the bird, but unfortunately, it was a story about a lawyer and a falsely accused criminal. As I said, the plot is great, but nowhere in the book does it say exactly how to kill a mockingbird.

End of review. I mean, it is a misleading title, if you're really thinking about it. Yeah. It is a misleading title. The comments are like, was there even a bird in the comments are like was there even a bird in the book um i like don't even remember oh apparently in dutch the translation uh the title

if you translate the title back to english uh it's let the mockingbird live so interesting are uh okay you know some random comment on on Goodreads. The Dutch are much more peaceful people than the Americans. So true. Can I also say when they said, I want to humanely dispose of this bird by killing it. Yeah, what? Because it's so fucking annoying. I'm like, I don't think that's the same thing. They should read the Dutch version maybe.

They should. Let it live. Also, was that you or who was I talking to recently? You know how I'm really into birds right now? Yeah. let it live also was that you or who was i talking to recently you know how i'm really into birds right now yeah so i was talking to somebody god who was it and they said they got the the app and they kept hearing um they were walking their dog oh my god i know who was it was cat from box of oddities who i met in florida uh-huh and she was talking about how she had the bird app yeah and she would hear this bird on her walk, and she's like, it was always the same bird,

but it made a different call. And every time I used the app to try and figure out what it was, it would show me a different bird. And she's like, and then one day I had this epiphany where I thought, oh my God, it's a mockingbird. And so she zoomed in and took a picture of it, and it was a fucking mockingbird. Oh, that's kind of cool.

Right? That's cool. My mind was blown. I was like, oh my God, it was literally tricking the app because it was just literally mocking the other birds i love that anyway she let it live so don't worry yeah um but yeah i i have another comment oh that i read just now tell me you in your forums someone said it never said how to kill a mockingbird it said to kill a mockingbird people are so like take it so seriously

and while i do not like many like so joke reviews when they leave one star on like a small business that's one thing not cool but this is a a book it's been around for so many years it's a silly joke review like no one's taking this seriously this this kind of thing i like the number of trivia teams called tequila Mockingbird. You know, it's like we've all moved on. Except for those people who named their trivia team Tequila Mockingbird. Yeah, I'm talking to you. I know some of our listeners do.

Of course they do. So I have a review of Where's Waldo. Okay. Hey, that counts. It's a classic. i have nothing to say it's a two-star view verified purchase by alex and the title is um bit too violent for our young kid oh no it's fun and entertaining we love the book in our young ages but the book involved much more violent scenes i wish the description was much more clear and had the details

about the book. End of review. What? I don't know. Did they get like a joke copy that's like him at the fucking- That's what I'm wondering. I'm like, where's Waldo?

It said, where's Waldo 2. Was the sequel like suddenly he turns to the dark side? He's like Waldo in like Guantanamo Bay or something. No, I just don't understand how it could be. I can't either. And by the way, that was from John as well.

This is the John and Jeanette show. John and Jeanette show. It's funny because I actually have reviews from someone who's also a J name. Okay. Jesus. No, I'm not. It's not a surprise. I just haven. No, I'm not. It's a surprise. Not a surprise.

I just haven't gotten to those reviews yet. Um, I still have another Jeanette one. Great. As of the picture of Dorian Gray. Oh, um, by Oscar Wilde.

I like that book. I never read it. Um, creepy. I only read the, um, the abridged version. Those like a bridge classics with illustrated classics i love those

i did too so i read that version i read it on kindle i remember maybe it was abridged i don't know but um i realized all the books that were like classics quote unquote yeah the ones i liked were always like the creepy ones like wuthering heights was my favorite one okay because i had like i remember reading and being like oh oh my God, ghosty shit. Like this is finally something interesting. Anyway. Well, here's a review of Picture of Dorian Gray by Evan, one star. This book is literally three pages describing tapestries.

Three pages being racist. Three pages being sexist. Three pages describing tapestries. Three pages describing how hot Dorian Gray is. And repeat. One out of ten. Did not finish. End of review.

I love that. See, I don't even remember. It was so long ago that I read it. I feel like there are other reviews about the book that were just like talking about how they just kept talking about how hot he was. Yeah, it was weird. I mean, yeah, that's kind of what the whole book's about. Yeah.

So, yeah. Interesting. Okay. So, I have one more from John. Okay. And this is the literary masterpiece. This is what John wrote, Star by Pamela Anderson, which I'm sure we can all agree is a classic. Now, I've not read this.

So, yeah, since I haven't read it either, I can't really. I'm willing to agree. I can't say no to that. That's right. We're both agreeing with you. I can't. I'm not agreeing. I'm just not disagreeing.

God, always Alexander playing the fucking diplomatic card. Look, look, look. Am I trying to get on John's good side? No. I'm also i trying to get on john's good side no i'm not also not trying to get on his bad side but i also don't want to get on all these random other listeners bet who knows i'm not here to make what if someone's really serious about this and says that is not classic then you know i disagree they need to calm down you know what you tell them i'm not telling them anything i think they should be their beautiful selves. Don't disrespect Pam like that. That's what I said.

No one is. No, I'm saying that to them. One Star by Stacey. Horrible. This book was horrible. As a lot of reviews mention, I found it hard to believe that her simple cheering with her Zax shirt on at the football game

would have garnered so much attention. From the whole stadium, even the players on the field, yeah, sure. That was early on in the book. The second thing. She goes to her parents' house and she greets her mother with such enthusiasm that they were rolling on the floor with laughter, hugging each other. LOL, okay. And her dad picks her up and puts her in the truck to go to the airport?

How lame. I'm not at all into reading the second one. Maybe if I'm in the mood for some dumb humor. End of review. There's a sequel? I guess. But those were very specific problems they had with this book. Yeah, she went into the truck.

And I'm like, what's the problem here? She was in a truck to go to the airport? I don't know i see how her dad lifted her maybe into the bed of the truck maybe maybe they think she's lying like it sounds like they think she's lying which like of all people to think would had a oh wait a second this isn't a real book it's a fictional book like it's not a memoir do you see what i mean wait what no it's literally starwood lee is a sweet naive girl from small town who happens

on upon fame through a series of lucky breaks and coincidences so it listen it has a 2.9 out of 5 on goodreads so i might be backtracking here and backpedaling and joining xandy's team of i'm just going to be kind of in the middle. It's really easy to just be that way at the beginning and then you don't have to fucking flip flop, Christina. You look ridiculous. I know. You look ridiculous right now. I know.

People are judging so hard. I know. No, I'm still actually very confused. Did Pamela Anderson write this book or not? Yes. Okay, so it's a book that she wrote, but it's fiction. Maybe based on some stories of her own life? Maybe.

But like, so basically they're saying, this person's saying that this book is not believable. Yeah, that it seems ridiculous. Which is kind of, I don't know, a silly thing to say about a book, usually, but I didn't read the book, so who knows? Speaking of silly things to say about a book,

here's a one star review of Charlotte's Web here we go one star by Ava the spider is a lot less hot than in the movie end of review I'm trying to picture

the spider I think I know what they're talking about I think I understand what they're saying i don't want to know about that so here we go are you sending me this is this is what the spider remember the spider oh my god had some had some feminine features like i'm seeing what you're saying no you know she has like the like eyelashes. Yeah, it's definitely very. She looks sultry.

Yes, very sultry. Exactly. And I think the spider in the book is just a spider. They didn't describe her eyeliner in the book. Or her long lean legs. I guess not. You know, probably not. But like she's really intellectual and I'm like, isn't that hot guess not. You know, probably not. But, like, she's really intellectual.

And I'm like, isn't that hot, too? No. She can write words. I feel like that's hot. That's true. That's true. That is impressive. That is very impressive.

I don't know why I type in Charlotte's web spider and there's all these pictures of real fucking spiders. Like, I didn't want that. No, no, no. Like, I don't want that. Stay away from that. Are they sexy, though? No, they're not. Oh, okay.

I would tell you if they were. I know. And I'm just looking at tattoos of Charlotte's Web. Okay, okay. Someone had some pig tattooed. So, that was good, Zandy. Thank you so much. I'm so happy for you.

Remember when we talked about Charlotte's Web and then Blaze was like I knew exactly what song you were talking about. Yeah, and people were saying like, how do you not remember this song? I don't remember it. I don't either. I still don't remember it. I do now, but I did not at the time. This is a review of the Scarlet Letter.

Nice. From Common Sense Media. Oh no. This is by Grace2004, who is, as this was written, 13 years old. So, they believe this is for ages 11 plus. It is a negative review because it's three stars.

And the title is, I read the book at nine and was confused. I read this book probably in third or fourth grade. I'm in eighth grade right now. So my memory, it's fussy. And back then I am pretty naive and I read it in Chinese. So here's what I think. I remember it being very religious, a lot about sin and God, which at the time I was very confused. Imagine a nine-year-old child in Beijing who knows nothing about religion or history. So I suppose it would have been a better reading experience when I was a bit older,

but I was also a mature kid, which helped a little bit. I have a good memory when it comes to books, so I still pretty much remember the main plot, and I actually got a better understanding of it after studying American history. This title contains A plus educational value. End of review. That was kind of interesting. I loved getting that perspective. I was going to say, it's good perspective. Right? Yeah. That's kind of funny.

I mean, we talked about that in two episodes ago or whenever that was, or three episodes ago about the Christian, the like vacation Bible school stuff. Oh my God. Where it's like, and I mentioned how everything that was very Christian in our lives was just normal. So we didn't know that it was like overtly Christian. Yeah. So then, yeah, I bet if I revisited something, I love that perspective of someone's like, I have no idea what's happening. She's like, imagine me sitting in Beijing being like, what the fuck is this?

I'm like, I am imagining it. And I'm like, I'm imagining it and it sounds ridiculous. Makes sense. I get why you were confused. Yeah. Oh my God. I was confused in America probably imagining it, and it sounds ridiculous. Makes sense. I get why you were confused. Yeah. Oh, my God. I was confused in America probably reading it when I was 16. I like that.

Oh, man. Okay. Here is a review of The Secret Garden. Oh. Have you read it? I have not. Okay. I saw the play.

Oh, okay. When I was little, but I've never read it. I don't think I'm going to read it after this review. Here's a one-star review. Oh, okay. When I was little, but I've never read it. I don't think I'm going to read it after this review. Here's a one-star review. Oh, okay. Immediately, no. Immediately, no. I've seen what I needed to see.

I remember I read this as a child and promptly forgot about it, so I thought, why not reread it? Maybe I didn't appreciate it as a child. But nah, this book sucks. I don't care if it was written in 1911 and is a product of its time. It can sit and rot in 1911. There's no reason to bring this book into the 2000s. Extreme racist language and ideas practically on every page. Like damn, I thought this was about a garden. And the first 20 pages is just everyone calling the 10 year old girl ugly and

how it's such a shame because her mom was so beautiful i'm out was her mom dorian gray they seem to have a pattern going on here um wow okay that's upsetting yeah i've never read it uh i imagine it didn't age i mean i imagine most books from those times didn't age well. I mean, I imagine most books from those times didn't age well. And this person, so the reviewer, Kelly, has rated 1,378 books. Wow. And I will say, looking at the distribution of ratings. They're not a negative Nancy. Not at all. I mean, it's mostly four star.

Second most is three star, but really close uh similar as five stars which i think when you're rating books makes a lot of sense to not have like all five stars but um yeah and very few one stars two percent of their review their ratings are one star so it's safe for the racist shit yes which i love i'm like okay like this is the kind of shit that they give one star which i can understand so yeah that's why i'm like you know what i this is the kind of shit that they give one star. Which I can understand. So yeah, that's why I'm like, you know what? I'm good not reading that book. Yeah, I respect that. And you know what?

I always thought about maybe reading it because I know a lot of people, it's like their favorite book growing up. And maybe I'll pass. Yeah. And I'm sure they got some really positive things out of that book. I hope so. That's the thing. I use regardless.

This isn't an attack on anyone who loves that book. All their racist views, I think, were probably formed by that book. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I mean, hey, it might be. Maybe. Do you remember Grace 2004? No.

Is that a person? It was a reviewer who read the book in Beijing at age nine. That was her name, Grace 2004? Yes. I have another review from her. I know you've forgotten her so quickly. This is A Redemption of Jane Eyre. Who wrote this? I'm going to kill you. Four stars, ages nine and up. Okay. The title is,

I read it at nine and loved it. I read this book at nine. It was on my classroom bookshelf. I felt a bit confused, probably because of my age, about why should someone marry someone so old? I felt a bit confused, probably because of my age, about why should someone marry someone so old? And I was confused about the whole wife situation. Anyway, it has been a while since I read the book. But whenever I think about the book, I have this good feeling. So the book is probably wonderful. And I don't remember any violence, except Jane's abusive childhood.

End of review. Oh, Jesus. I like that going on vibes. Like, I got a good vibe yeah i don't remember the plot and i think that cracks me up because in the last review she literally said i have a very good memory when it comes to books so i still pretty much remember this the main plot yeah and then this one is like the same year at age nine so i'm like wow so you remember memorable book the plot of the skirt letter which to be fair is like pretty I'm like, wow.

It's a very memorable book. The plot of The Skirt Letter, which to be fair is like pretty memorable. Yeah. But Jane Eyre just gave good vibes. You know, no thoughts, just vibes. No thoughts, just vibes. Is what Jane Eyre gives. Yeah. Good old Bella.

Good old Bella. I have not read that book, so. I have. And it was good. But again, literally, I'm like, I liked it, but I remember nothing about it. You say that just because you just remember enjoying it. Good vibes, reading it yeah yeah yeah um and i bet that's how a lot of people would like secret garden and stuff like there's i'm sure there's so many things i'm like yeah i love that book and then if i reread it now i'd be like yikes yeah like the time that that kid swallowed a

pet turtle yeah yes so exactly like that exactly what i'm thinking of i don't didn't want to be thinking of it but now here i am so my next two come from jare uh and what's great is this the email so jare has you know is a big member of the hog pen and like is on the in the my friend discord friend of the show friend yeah friend of the show friend of the show stream um and so so i saw i searched like goodreads i think in our email and this was an email i want to say from like 2020 or something that jared sent in saying oh a friend told me about your show i'm like i really love it so far and it was like so sweet to see like the jare origin you know and uh included a couple goodreads reviews and i thought it was these were one to see like the Jare origin. The origins of Jare. And Jare included a couple Goodreads reviews. And I thought it was these were one was Goodreads, one was Amazon.

And they're both the Fahrenheit 451. Oh, I never read that either. It fit the theme. I know nobody cares what I read and what I didn't, but I just I feel like I have to say it. Adam here wrote a one star review of Fahrenheit 451. It's boring most of the time. Only time something good happened or when something got me excited was when someone got mad or died. Plus, it's confusing sometimes.

End of review. Except when people die, because that part I can fully understand. I used to be that guy where I was like, if a book doesn't have death in it, I'm not in. Yeah. What? In high school, I was like, it's not interesting unless someone dies. What do you mean? I really like the depressing stuff.

Oh, just for the depressing, not like the excitement of it. Well, I wasn't like thrilled when people died, but I was like, I felt something. It makes me feel something. It made me feel something. Wow, that's fucked up. That is. And then I ruined the plot of oh i remember this i

remember this uh uh um uh uh things fall apart oh yeah i ruined that book which was a fantastic book and i love it for my entire fucking what do you mean you ruined it i ruined it for an entire lunch table yeah you you spoiled it i spoiled it oh and it's such a big ending don't spoil it now not that anyone's gonna read it maybe they will maybe it's a great no i recommend that one i i think again good vibes and not good vibes it's not it's very serious book anyway uh no i i really really like that book and i remember it was just because we had two English teachers. I literally remember my class was always so far behind in the book. But we had the same curriculum, so we had to read the same books.

But my class was always the one that was behind. So like you just assume they were caught up. So I assumed everyone's caught up. So I like made a reference to how that book ended and how another book ended. Cause they were the same way. They ended the same way. And I was like, man,

it's crazy that they had us read two books with blah, blah, blah ending. And everyone's like, what? Like, Oh shit. This is like the time that Renee spoiled the red wedding for her friend and

then had to send them a cookie cake to like try and make up for it. Yeah. There's just, yeah. Oh, and then I watched game of Thrones and went, Oh, that's what the red wedding. Yeah. There's just, yeah. Oh, it happens. And then I watched Game of Thrones and went, oh, that's what the Red Wedding is. And everyone's like, duh.

I watched it like years later. Yeah, that's the thing is you gotta put plenty of time between the time it's spoiled. I'm so good at like dissociating. Yeah, me too. Yeah. Me too. Disassociating.

But then the moment I see it, I'm like, oh yeah, someone ruined that for me, but I forgot. Me too. That's how it works. Just like all the Vanderpump Rules spoilers I keep getting. getting oh i haven't started it and have not gotten any spoilers or if i did i've completely pushed them out because i'm like i don't we're very good at compartmentalizing gotta be for better for worse or for worse for worse so i have a redemption of brave new world by aldous huxley nice and i wrote can you spot the problem? Which is a weird thing to write.

Did you think it was a guy with a red shirt? Red stripe, red and white striped shirt. Waldo, that's his name. Did you think this was a Waldo? I was like, boy in the striped pajamas. What are you talking about? Oh, dear God, no. I was like, what? Good vibes, good vibes.

Good vibes. Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. And I think I was thinking of it in terms of like a highlights magazine where it's like, can you spot the difference? Got it. Like what's... I read it like 10 times and I was like, why do I keep coming back to this review? And then I finally was like, oh, I figured it out.

Okay. I was also a little bit... Am I supposed to figure this out? Yeah, I was also a little bit high. So you might... God, I might not figure it out. I'm too sober for this. No, I think I was, yeah.

Four stars. And this is by Jedi Panda, a 15-year-old teen. It's a redemption. The title is deep and fascinating and requires some thought. This was a really good book,

but you do have to be a more mature reader just because it is a deep and heavy book that requires some thought to fully digest. there is a lot of talk of sex but not in a gross and messed up or intimate way more which by the way gross and messed up intimate way i think i think someone has a little maturing to do me think someone took an abstinence course at conflict yeah yeah yeah okay interesting there is a lot of talk of sex but not in a gross and messed up intimate way more of a matter of fact

way this is also a book that gets better every time you read it like 1984 or animal house end of review that's hilarious animal house end of the review. That's funny. And I kept being like, what is throwing me off about this? That's so funny. And then I was like, oh my God, they meant Animal Farm and they wrote Animal House, which is so perfect. And those could not be more different. Like the total opposites. And so my brain just kept like catching on this one.

That's funny. Like 1984 or Animal House. Anyway, so that was my redemption. Nice. Are you done? No, I have one more after this. Okay, I have one more. This is the last one from Jer.

Another one of Fahrenheit 451 from Amazon, though. One star titled, Crappy Book Required by High School. Here we go. This book is about burning books. I think my stepson would like to burn it as it is a hard story to follow. Of course, this is required reading for his ninth grade class,

so he was forced into it. My wife read it along with him and was just as confused. Don't read for your pleasure. You might die. End of review. Whoa!

I love how then the stepdad takes it upon himself. I was gonna say, this person didn't even read it, but like, did one of the two like, did your wife or your stepson die?

Like, what? I don't know where that came from. That is bizarre, a bizarre review. Well, isn't it bizarre? And like, I don't understand it. Also, like, why are you even writing this? Like, you didn't read it. No, exactly. It makes no sense.

I'm like, very confused by it. But neither did the book, so maybe that's the point. I don't know. I never read that book, so when I say it didn't make sense, I meant. I did read the book. I thought it was, I thought, I enjoyed the book. I don't know. I think I enjoyed it.

When you first read, like, read what you were going to say, did you say Fahrenheit 541, or am I retroactively imagining that? I would imagine if I said it, I'd catch it right away. Yeah, okay. I'm just saying it now because in my head I thought you did. But maybe you didn't.

I'm probably dreaming. Okay. Anyway. You good? Me? Yeah. No. Okay.

Anyway. You good? Me? Yeah. No. Okay. This episode is brought to you by Secret. Secret deodorant gives you 72 hours of clinically proven odor protection, free of aluminum, parabens, dyes, talc, and baking soda.

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Conditions apply. Offer ends June 30th, 2024. New eligible clients only. Complete criteria by August 30th, 2024. Visit rbc.com student 100 here's a review of uh one more classic literature a piece of classic literature called a haunted road atlas the way you presented that i'm like this is a joke again another one that's i'm trying to be so sincere like

the fact you're bringing up classic literature as if that's not the theme as if we already know what it the theme is fine i'll do it again okay my next review is is of a haunted road atlas by christine schieffer and adam schultz that's not classic yet give it needs some room to breathe but i'll allow it this is a review by douglas and i hope it's one star it's five stars you imagine i didn't look at one star of course you did there are plenty and i i support that 100 thank you there are plenty there are oh yeah i didn't look though um and not they're not a lot but plenty what i mean is like there are too many for me to enjoy looking at yeah and one is too many for me to enjoy. So this is our review by Douglas

and it's five stars verified purchase and the title is Chrissy N. Oh. So C-R-I-S-S-S-Y Chrissy N.M. Oh, Douglas.

Okay. A plus for a first book. I love the way you put it together what is next bless you oh end of review and um so douglas you you you do be sneezing a lot i do thank you douglas wrote this um i don't know if you remember me sending you a picture yesterday yes is that douglas douglas no way i was like is that man shirtless that is that is someone who's Remember me sending you a picture yesterday? Yes. Is that Douglas? No way. I was like, is that man shirtless? That is someone who's your fan.

I love that. I was thrilled because usually we have a very like specific demographic. But then Douglas is like just like living his best life, like tatted up, no shirt on. I completely forgot about that random text I got of a shirtless man. I sent it to zanny he says am i supposed to know who that is and i said wait for the future to unfold it will oh it will i was also a little bit high i can tell yeah i could tell um anyway so i was just like oh my god i zoomed in i was like douglas look at you yes and then uh and by the way i clicked his profile he read a lot he wrote a lot of one stars too of books.

Oh, good. Okay. So I felt like, whew. That says something. I passed the gauntlet. Yes, you did. The Douglas gauntlet. Yeah. Anyway, that was my last one.

Good job. Thank you. I thought we'd end on a high where I talk about myself. Yeah. Great. Hey, whatever, whatever you need. Whatever it takes. To get into this challenge now. All right. This is a challenge from Hillary with an E, which is how they wrote it in the email. Okay. I didn't say it.

Okay. Stephanie with two E's, you know, or three E's. Whoa. Yeah. That's a lot of E's, Stephanie. We're just getting rid of the A's this time around. I forgot we're recording a new episode from our Stephanie Meyer. You gotta be careful.

Wow. I just quoted that as if it was the same episode. Yeah. Christine's challenge from Hillary with an E. Look for reviews of items or events marketed toward couples where the reviewer complains about their partner. So Hillary says, has this been done? It's possible, but I was high when I thought of it and convinced myself I must be a genius. I had taken a sleep gummy when I searched for these reviews. genius i had taken a sleep gummy when i searched for these reviews i'd also taken a sleep gummy when i searched for my

reviews so i feel like we were in the same headspace um and the review that hillary sent is of a game called served s-e-r-v-d okay his and hers the hilarious real life couples card game. Real life? I love when they have to specify that something's funny and that it's real life. Real life. So this is a- But hey, I've been like, oh, we have an exciting announcement about our- I'm like, you know, I think it's exciting. I don't know if anyone else does.

That's true. Sometimes you have to insist that something is what it is. You gotta, you gotta. So it is a little awkward because the about says, welcome to his and hers. Played between male and female couples. Oh, okay. So, you know. Rules are rules.

Rules are rules. They literally have the picture of the bathroom icons on the game. Oh, my God. Yeah, they're pushing this. And I love how it's like this real life. It's like, hmm, I don't think it's like this real life it's like i don't think it reflects everyone's real life yeah not quite um so what sorry i'm reading some of these in there oh okay oh god what the f okay rita i'm out loud you can't just react that way this is a

woman card it's called the recipe recital card. Oh, don't play your woman card here. You just told me to. You literally said read it out loud. It says, so I stumbled across this recipe and it looks delicious. Some of the steps sound kind of tricky, but I believe in you. Good luck tunnel boning the quail, LOL. What?

What does that mean? I don't know. What? Oh, I see? I don't know. What? Oh, I see. So, wait, what? I love how you're like, oh, I see, as if it all makes sense suddenly. And that lasted for half a second. This is a man card can, I guess, give this to the woman.

The T minus 10 card. You have 10 minutes to get ready. That's it. Okay. I don't know. These are just kind of odd i mean i don't really understand oh i guess you play the i hope there's a car it just says women be shopping i mean literally that's kind of the vibe i'm getting this one's called pamper me so pamper party rsvp yes for one hour this humble abode is turning into a fancy af day spa with one employee aka you and one in one client aka me what's the game i think you just like hand it to somebody and then they have to do it like there's one like i don't like my food at this

restaurant we have to swap and you can just like's one, like, I don't like my food at this restaurant. We have to swap. And you can just, like, hand that to them. So you just carry these around with you? I guess so. It's like those, it's like when you give someone a coupon book or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what it seems like.

Well, I hate it. Well, Alexander, there are 54 life-changing relationship-based cards. Life-changing? To hilariously take down your partner. Oh, no. Okay, sorry. base cards life to hilariously take down your partner oh no okay sorry okay i'm already on the side of the partner here who is not into this game okay so i'm excited for this review you're getting it this is uh this is what hillary sent me it's a five star review by dylan and the title seems fun bought this because i thought it would be fun to play with the wife. However, she's a dud and won't even try.

The game itself is fine. I give the game five stars and my wife zero out of five stars. End of review. Jesus. That sounds like the text on one of the cards. I give you zero stars. Yeah, you're a dud. You're a dud and you have 10 minutes to get ready.

Okay, you read fairly like, like, are there like sexual ones on there? No, I mean, I don't know. I hope not. I have no idea. I hope not. I'll be honest. I have no clue.

Because... Because... Yeah. If your wife's quote unquote a dud and is not interested in this game and you're playing shit, giving her these fucking terrible cards. Wait, they have a kids versus parents one okay i don't understand the versus part like i don't understand how this is a competition oh this is not nice like it literally says it's time for a digital detox all electronic

devices down for and then you fill out how many hours hours Hours? That's just mean. What year is it? I can't go without digital devices for hours. Oh, my God. And, like, what are the parents supposed to do? Well, that's the thing. Now you have to entertain me. If your mom's like, don't watch TV, I'm like, okay, then what are we doing? I don't know.

As if that ever is how it worked in our households. Like, I don't understand. What do you mean the parents are entertaining? What if the parents were like, we're playing a game where I give you this card. You have a toddler, so I guess you're doing a lot of entertaining. I have to do, yeah. Maybe that's what it is. It'll come to a point where you expect her to entertain herself.

This card will get you out of trouble and on your way with a warning. What? Okay, this is just getting a little weird. So I'll just move on. This is a review of couples counseling. And I'm not going to say the name because I don't need to put companies or people. Oh, like a legitimate counselor. Oh, yes.

Oh, okay. Not a game. I was like, what game is this? The hilarious real life business where you try to fix your marriage. Okay, one star. Oh, no. By Mark. This place ruined my marriage. Okay, one star. Oh no. By Mark. This place ruined my marriage. We started couples

therapy and were making some progress when my wife started having work issues. We then spent the next several months dealing with my wife's business partnership breakup. Our therapist, Lucas, suggested she take a class at the Wright Institute or Wright Foundation, which if you look up online is considered a cult by many. I believe they brainwashed my wife. She has now become a very emotionally unstable person ever since. She makes horrible decisions and looks at me like I'm the cause of it all. I sat through months of couple therapy where the focus was on my wife and her problems with her business partner. Why was I paying for couple therapy and my therapist wasn't focusing on us, the couple? I was and still am a super supportive husband,

but unfortunately my wife has now filed for divorce. My life has been turned upside down and my children are going through this as well. I can't stand this place for that. I believe it could all have been prevented if we had been assigned a competent marriage counselor. On a side note, I see another therapist with this group who is wonderful and helps me cope with the divorce.

I wish our marriage therapist would have been as good and would have focused on us, the couple, rather than other issues. I am not a fan of Lucas, and I will never forgive this place or him for solidifying the loss of the love of my life. It's really sad that they took money from us for all that time and the result was divorce. Do not go here for marriage counseling, and if you ever hear anyone anyone mention that institute run as far and as fast as you can they prey upon the emotionally weak people in this world end of review wowee two people found this helpful one person loves this yikes uh so i knew i know that with this challenge i did not expect this i know sorry no it fits it fits. It fits. I couldn't think of how else to search for it.

This is perfect. I mean, perfect for what you were given. I feel like I know it was mostly a complaint about the counseling, but he did a few digs at his wife. Yeah, many digs at his wife. Yeah, and also then at the end said, basically implied that she was an emotionally weak person in this world. basically implied that she was an emotionally weak person in this world which i'm like i i wonder if that's actually true which i i kind of doubt or if it's the way you view the way she processes emotions or whatever i don't know i'm no couple therapist um but also like if your wife is in a cult uh-oh like you know like you know maybe you have a point that maybe your wife shouldn't be

turned steer towards a cult if that's what that is. I've never heard of it. I have no idea. I have no idea what to fucking say right now. I just Googled it. Looks like it's life coaching, which NXIVM also said. I was going to say, which could very much be culty. Who's to say? Not me, that's for sure.

Because I don't know what the fuck's going on. But if you're running to Yelp with these, uh, things, I don't think you should air it out on Yelp. And I wonder if you're handling it. Maybe your wife isn't handling everything great, but it doesn't sound like you are either. If you're running to Yelp for, for, uh, release of some sort. I did. I really, I was thinking, man, I was like was like, man, I hope he has his own therapist.

Yeah. And that came up. So I was very, I was pleased by that. What if it's a racket and they're like, get them divorced so that he has to go to counseling

for the divorce. So true. I'm sure that's not it. But, so this one, I really struggled finding reviews that were like about a couple's thing,

like specifically made for couples um but oh well so i found this okay whatever it's a review of the natural comfort sausalito knights duvet cover set so i'm like well hey it's sort of made for a couple i I think so. If you're a couple. And chair or bed. There you go. In the color titanium. This is a four-star review called Husband Problems. Mood. Mood. Husbands be farting.

Verified purchase. Bought it and loved it. Unfortunately, my husband ruined it. The only reason I'm not giving it five stars is that he ruined it almost immediately in two different ways. Staining it and ripping it very badly while trying to wash it. We now use it as a cover for the dog crate. That said, no idea how it would have held up if on our bed.

That said, it's a lovely color and pattern. I'm thinking of buying it again, only now it's twice the price. Oh no! I love that the dog gets it. Yeah. I love that the dog gets it. Yes. At least somebody's happy, I guess.

She's like, he just fumbles around and ruins all the nice things I buy. What an oaf. What an oaf, am I right? Oh, man. I love that he's trying to wash the stain that he already got. It's like fucking Mr. Bean. He's spilling and then he's like let me wipe it off oh my god um now this one is so random but i just couldn't help myself

it's called deep blue corals 7.25 inch small poseidon statue but don't get your hopes up it's currently unavailable on amazon and the four star view i have is by n and it's called as a verified purchase and it's called looks very much like my boyfriend couldn't be happier like those those uh merman ornaments that's what i was thinking my boyfriend refused to pay for someone to sculpt a mini statue of himself posing half naked for me so i was pleased when this arrived that this looked very much like him it has the same intimidating eyebrows and everything in all seriousness it also seems to be fairly good quality so far and feels different from the ornament i had of squid

word's house earlier that kept peeling paint i will report back if this ornament either begins to peel or lets himself go update the paint is flaking off so I docked one star. End of review. Oh, man. That's all I've got. That's pretty good. That was funny. I like that. As I was researching, I came across this shirt. And you know that sometimes I just like to keep the shirts in blanket.

Not, you know, just keep the images of them to send to you. Oh, yes. Oh, are you sending things to me? So I'm sending you a picture of a shirt I discovered while I was looking up, like, couples items. Uh-huh. Can you just read it out loud? Yeah, happily. I love this.

My boyfriend is the cute one playing the tuba. That's hilarious. I was like, what? There is something for everyone on the internet. That is so funny. I know that's obvious, but but man what a very bizarrely specific shirt and then they had one that said like piano yeah there's like one for every instrument support your like your partner who's in the band uh-huh uh-huh i'm with the band you know with the band um so that's that oh god that was fun anywaya. Oh, God. That was fun. Anyway. That was fun, y'all.

Well, thank you. When does this episode come out? Do we even know? Probably in like 40 years. 40 years or so? Yeah, we're so early. What is this, 237? Yeah, so it comes out.

This comes out the day of our Tempe show. So if you're in Tempe right now. If you're near Tempe, you better get your butt over there. So it's kind of too late to promote this one. Go to Tempe. So tomorrow we'll be in Salt Lake City. And then next week we'll be in St. Louis and Kansas City. And then about a month from now, this episode coming out, we'll be in New York and Boston.

And then a few weeks after that, we'll be in D.C. and Philly. Oh, my God. So come see our shows, people. And then we'll shut up about them. Look, if we sell out one of the shows. We'll never bring it up again. Yeah, we'll shut up about it. We'll tell you we sold it out and then we'll shut the fuck up.

So hurry up. Someone's just going to buy all the tickets and be like, fuck you. Hey, if those seats are empty, but we got our money, that's all that matters. You're right. I'm kidding, but also buy tickets. But also please help us. Just kidding. Okay.

All righty, y'all. Thanks for listening. We're going to go record our May bonus, even though you're listening to this in April. Or June. June in April. Bye. Or June. Oh, dear. June? Bye.

Wait. This comes out in June? You said April. I said April, which is reversed. Wrong. You might be listening to this in April of next year, and then you're one of those people like, ha, I am. How cool.

And then we'll move on. But yeah, patreon.com slash beachto sandy beach to sandy.com for tour tickets. See you later. Bye. Beach to Sandy water to wet is a forever dog production hosted and produced by Zandy and Christine Schieffer. It's edited by Margaret Padilla. Cover art by Courtney Aventura. Theme music by Mavis White.

Executive produced by Mariah Nicholas. Forever Dog Productions is Joe Cilio, Alex Ramsey and Brett Boehm.