Berner Phone - Things You Thought Every Family Did

Episode Date: August 10, 2026

This week, Des reacts to the weird things your families did that you thought were completely normal until you found out not everyone's family did them.   Call [phone] to leave us a voicemail! International Dialers can leave us a voice memo on WhatsApp: [phone]   FOLLOW DES: Tickets: https://punchup.live/desbishop Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/desbishop Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/desbishop X: https://x.com/desbishop YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Desbishopcomedy TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@desbishop5   FOLLOW NICOLE: https://www.instagram.com/nicoleclyons/   Produced by Nicole Lyons Productions Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/nicolelyonsproductions/ Website: www.nicolelyonsproductions.com

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It's Des here with my, what are we calling you? My producer, obviously, but what's a more fun word? What's a more fun for a... That's really up to you to decide. Oh, God. Well, I realized right when I was about to say it that I didn't have a word. So I just suddenly was like, what am I going to? Because I was going to say my compatriot, but I feel like that's not the correct word.

I don't mind that. But what compatriot, what does it actually mean compatriot? Time to Google. 30 seconds in. Compatriot was the word that I stopped myself saying because I was like, what does that even actually mean? It felt loaded. No, yeah. It's just like, I just suddenly was like, is that the right word?

I don't want to be insulting. Well, are, okay, are we actually? compatriots because it's a person who is born and lives in or is a citizen of the same country. Yeah, we're compatriots. Okay. Yeah, that's what I felt it was like that. I felt it was like that, but it was, uh, you know, it was, it wasn't the right word. But I feel like do people use compatriots in a more casual way than just like we're compatriots or am I just, you know?

Maybe like comrade. I feel like there's more comrades. Comrade. Oh, okay. Mom, Donnie. That might be even more loaded. Okay. Democratic, DSA, Democratic Socialists of America.

Comrade Nicole, what are we talking about today in terms of the redistribution of wealth and controlling the means of production? Comrade, Nicole. I really wish I knew. I'm really only paying attention to like the rat czar stuff. That's like the stuff that catches my attention. Hey, bro, the rat stuff has been a big success, yo. These bins. I've been a big success.

There's a lot less rats. Although yesterday I was in Orlando doing a show or two days ago. And I went for lunch sitting outside a Cuban restaurant in Orlando on my own. And there was a squirrel that clearly was just very comfortable hanging around. People obviously feed them off the table. And as it turns out, she, which I discovered, was just like joining me, just like sitting on the top of the chair across from me. I got a video of it. And so then I said to the guy, I was like, wow, this squirrel is pretty brave.

And he said, oh, yeah, she was pregnant only a few. She just gave birth to like some squirrels. And so I was like, oh, this poor thing is probably trying to get food for her young. So I didn't feed the squirrel, but other people did. And then the squirrel just ate it. So actually, I'm not so sure she was actually sharing it with the young. But maybe she's still breastfeeding. I don't know.

Anyway, cutest squirrel of all time. Never once did I want the squirrel to leave. I wanted the squirrel to hang out. But had it been a rat, had it been a rat, would everyone have been as chill? Would all the other people that were at this restaurant been like, oh, how cute. It's a little rat. No, they wouldn't. And the place would be considered dirty.

You know, it's not fair. It's not. I love rats. I think I've said before that I have, I had pet rats. Oh, you did. That's actually not the first time that rats have come up. This is a very pro rat. This is a pro rat podcast.

Pro rat and pro pit bull Pro rat Pro pit bull Pro pigeon Pro pigeon Yo I love them too Yeah

Listen man We're pro sensitive beings But I'm not a vegetarian So I feel like I feel like I'm a hypocrite We're pro hypocrite on this podcast too You know

Too many people trying to be authentic These days man Fuck that We'll go in any direction So anyway we won't get bogged down on what we're pro and what we're against. All right. But we are here this week with a prompt, which came last week,

was things that you thought were normal in your family that turned out weren't. And I do want to point out that we're recording only one day after the episode dropped. So these prompts have come from the people that listened immediately and sent in straight away. And we really appreciate it. I really like the organic nature of when people hear it on the episode. But before we get into it, we've had a couple of updates. So do you want to play the one that's related to you first, Nicole? To me?

Yeah, the years versus months. A lot of people had opinions about it. It turned out to be a little bit controversial. Okay. Just for the record, before we listen, I don't have a child. So I could have been totally wrong in just being an asshole. and I'll own up to that. Okay, but just for the record, nobody's coming at you super hard here.

Okay, you may be over. You may want to take that back after this message. You're not in trouble in any way shape. I'll flip-flop. I already said I'll flip-flop. Somebody messaged in and said, oh, I've read yesterday year, but why do I feel like I'm in trouble? Because I was like, you didn't send in the messages.

The book report is overdue. We're nearly there. I'd say maybe by next week we might be able to do an episode. Hi, Des. Hi, Nicole. I was listening to this week's episode, and I just had to call Nicole out a little bit. I'm so sorry. But she's talking about how it drives her crazy when people use the months for babies.

And this used to drive me insane, too. But I'm in physical therapy school right now, and I was in my pediatric class this past semester, and we learned that they go by months because of the development of the kids. So like a one-year-old is super different from a two-year-old or a 24-month-old, like, developmentally. So that's why they use the months because that used to drive me insane too, and I never understood it. But now it makes so much sense just based off of like their milestones and whatever. This is so nerdy. I'm so sorry, but I thought you guys would maybe find it interesting.

So, yeah, that's why they do that. Bye. Hey, something else that needs to be said, we're pro-nerd on this podcast. You can't be nerdy enough. So don't let any sense of coming across nerdy or geeky or, you know, anoraki, as we say a Latin Ireland. Don't let that stop your messaging in. In fairness, we kind of knew that. But I said two years.

I said two years. And also in your defense, Nicole, it was somebody messaging in about, you know, things that used to, you know, it was a, it came from. But, you know, obviously, there's. certain age where every month it's quite different. And you got called out in a car. I think this is your first calling out. And that's totally valid and I welcome it with open arms. And I actually will admit while I was editing the episode, I was like, I was so adamant

about like, yeah, it makes sense that you measure a pregnancy in weeks because it changes so much week to week. But I didn't apply that same logic to an actual baby. So I don't know why. But you're valid. We're learning and growing here in the pod. Yeah, so I appreciate the feedback. Wow, the Gen Zs will be happy with this energy right now.

We are learning and growing. I'm going to post a Nozap Apology. Don't post an apology because no one's ever happy with the apology. I've never seen an apology where people aren't like, this is not authentic. They're only sorry they got caught. Oh, my God. Right. That's why you got to do it on your stories.

So it's like up 24 hours and then it's gone. Yeah, and you just, yeah, because what can you do? Like, at the end of the day, people are going to say what they say. So Adam Mockler is on the hot seat at the moment. I don't know if you file that one, but we won't get into it. He's on the hot seat now. So anyway, so, yes, that's great that we've established that. I just thought about something.

Oh, getting called out on pods. It's very funny because the thing about podcast is you're doing all the talking. And then you just, like, people hear all the, like, little mistakes you make. I had one on the Bishop Exchange. you're so embarrassing. So I like start talking about how much of a fan of the smash and pumpkins I am. And I start singing. I think I was singing today is the greatest day I've ever known,

talking about how much I love it and how much like melancholy and infinite sad. This is like the best album of all time and how I went to see them live and I just love. And then, of course, somebody messaged in and they were like, that song is off Siamese dream, not off melancholy and infinite sadness. I think you were talking about tonight. And I was like, oh, God, I was saying I was a huge fan. And I was like completely wrong. It's so embarrassing.

It's so embarrassing. That's like the most brutal one too. When it comes to like bands and songs or like just claiming your fan of something, a bigger fan will step in and humble you. I know. It's a fact. But, you know, I wasn't, I wasn't Googling. They could have Googled, you know? You were just speaking from the heart.

I was speaking from the heart. And I, you know, I basically forgot about Simon's Dream. Even though I know of Simon's Dream, I just, because I was so into the album. a melancholy infinite status. I just assumed that song was on it, but I was wrong. And I had to eat that, you know. But since that 90s fashion is so back in vogue, I recommend any of our younger dialers.

If you want to revisit what I think is some of the great music of that era, of which I think there's a lot of positivity. There's a lot of positivity about that era of music amongst the younger generation, I feel. Do you concur or are you not aware? Like in what way? Like, basically like the grunge era, the early 90s, you know, that kind of, you know, Pearl Jam, Nirvana. That's like a little before my time.

No, I know, but I feel like that's one of the, that's like a genre of music that there are some gen C's that have gotten into. Anyway, neither here nor there. I highly recommend revisiting the smashing pumpkins because the smash and pumpkins don't get included in the grunge era. And the lead singer turned out to be such a fucking asshole that, I feel like that era of the smash and pumpkins doesn't get enough praise. So at a risk of losing our younger audience completely, I'll move on from the topic. But needless to say, I've been called out. I've been called out on so many things.

Cherry pits. Let's go back over the, yeah, the best times. Des was called out on Burnaphone. We got a compilation. Top five Des callouts here on Burdifone. When Des said he swallows the cherry pits and there's no problem with that and he found out that they're poisonous. They are actually poisonous. and he was trying to kill the dialers.

That was a funny one. They'll put that down at number five. Number four, realize. He realized. He's been saying, realizing correctly, his entire life, that was a fun call out on the burn the phone. I can't think of any other callouts over the years. The difference between swallowing poisonous cherry pits and real eyes is really funny.

Yeah. Has your top callout options. I've had it. We've had a few, we've had a few others. But anyway, let's go. So, oh, so then one more. review before we carry on. Well, there was two. There's two. Let's do them quickly, right? We can do them together. One is factual from somebody who works for the airlines, and then one is like more

of a feeling. So maybe go with the factual one first. I didn't mark it that way, but the other one probably says another. Hey, Des, this isn't like necessarily for any of your prompts, but I'm listening to the podcast right now, and you're asking people about, like, what do you do when, there's a larger person in the middle seat or in your row when you're flying. I did use to work for Southwest Airlines, and they do offer the extra seat for free to those who are bigger like that, and so they wouldn't have to pay for it. And as long as the flight isn't full, it's not any kind of issue. If the flight is full, then they still have to offer that extra seat to the performance.

been flying who's too big and the flight then becomes what they consider oversold and now one person that's when it goes into like the whole one person have to volunteer to take the next flight and get like a voucher situation but just thought i let you know that you know what i love about this everybody including me they always have a pause because they want to to stop themselves saying something like offensive. She was like when the, and I know what she was thinking, but she didn't say it. And then she went, the person that's looking. So anyway, by the way, I'm saying that it's great that everyone's, but it's just funny

because you do notice it. So now this is somebody who also had like the dilemma of it, you know? Oh, the intro is super cute. So I'm calling in regarding the uncomfortable air travel situation. That's a tough one. That's a really tough one. On one hand, first off, we don't want to judge anyone for their size. Ultimately, I think this is on the airlines.

I mean, recently I've been looking at videos of what airlines and planes used to look like and seat sizes. And our current airline seat sizes are not based off of the average size of Americans. So I think it's mostly on the airlines, but also like, yeah, in our everyday situations,

how do we make it less uncomfortable? I don't know. No one's trying to make me less uncomfortable. Like Caroline, like Caroline said, you know, if you're a smaller person, people are always trying to do the man spread, elbow spread, no eye contact. Did you call you, Carolyn?

So I'm typically uncomfortable, but I've also been in their situation and, yeah, done the same exact thing. Just try to make more space and make the other person as comfortable as possible as long as they're not being rude about it. If they're not a man spreader, try to give them space, be kind. But I think we need to revolt against the airlines. I don't know. can like a million of us sign something.

I'm not sure. Anyway, love the podcast, listen to every episode. You're doing a great job. I know Hannah hasn't been on, but Carolyn is rocking in it as well. So I really look forward to listening every week. And yeah, I don't have a solution to this one. This one just caught my attention.

All right. Well, first of all, I love the amount of time that she pondered all this. It's great. That's what you want. That's why I brought it up, to be honest with you because it's like one of those things where you're like, I don't want to be an asshole. But at the same time, it's like, you know, how have I suddenly been to put, right? Anyway, she carolined you twice.

I mean, is Nicole, is Nicole giving Caroline vibes? I love Caroline. So I have a new, I have a new way that I'm going to introduce you from here on it. So I'm going to say, no, no, I'm going to say it's Des here and Nicole. Oh, oh, oh. Nice. I should just get a new name every episode. Yeah, Caroline.

So anyway, so that's that dealt with, you know, and thanks everybody for their, for their feedback on that. I do want to say that I have seen some videos or some things online about the way planes used to look. And I do think that they were a little bit more spacious, but I also think there's a lot of AI photos running around. Or there's a lot of photos of first class running around and trying to act like they were economy. because actually one thing that's improved a lot is first class back when I was younger first class was never a lie flat you know as I was doing all that flying to Ireland the life flats came later so a lot of times you see images of what it used to look like it's actually first class and if you watch some of these like shows that are like you know retro pieces from like the 50s and 60s and they're sitting in first

class you'll notice that it's it's not it's just like wider seats so and let's not look too rosy with the rose tinted glasses back at those days because the planes were full of smoke and it was kind of disgusting. You know, one time I was flying back to Ireland and there was no seats in the non-smoking section. I had to sit in the smoking section. It was fucking torture.

It was torture. How did I even differentiate between the smoking section and the non-smoking. Well, it was just like the back, generally. It was the last section at the back. And then, you know, they got pretty, obviously they've got pretty good air movement stuff. So, like, if you weren't in that section,

you didn't really smell it, but you smelt it a bit. But what if you were like the row in front of the section? Well, because it tended to be like a full, so you'd have to go like pass like the bathrooms and stuff to the next section. Oh. Oh, that's what it tended to be like, yeah. But it was disgusting. And then like same thing like on the trains in Ireland, because like sometimes I've been going from Cork to Dublin. And like you'd be walking down and then there'd be like two smoking cars to get and then you'd have to go through them to get to the food cart.

And it was just like, oh, it was awful. It's hard to think. You know, the early part of my comedy career, it was still smoking. It was disgusting. Did your parents smoke? I forget. Yes. Yes.

Oh, so yeah, you're like extra triggered by it. I hate it. It's disgusting. I have a new joke in my show. Hey, new joke. New joke update on burner phone. We need a real soundboard. Yeah, we need a soundboard, man.

Well, that's you, bro. Step it up. I'll work on it. Oh, oh, oh, we need that. So anyway, the new joke that I developed this weekend, which I actually said on the Bishop Exchange, I was improvising about how much less, like, safe things were back in the day and like how much of the like the things that we worry about, like, what are we gaining versus like all the hassle of safety?

So one of the things I was saying was I'm not saying it was good that my mother smoked throughout her entire pregnancy, but like she did. And I don't want anyone smoking during pregnancy, but I'm also like want to point out like, I'm fine, right? I said, I fucking came out addicted to nicotine. Like my parents had the audacity to say to me that I was colic as a child. I was like, I wasn't fucking colic. I was withdrawing from fucking Virginia Slim's Lights 100s. So I was like, ah, give me a cigarette. So that's like a new little joke that I developed.

New joke here on Bertifan. We'll be back after this. We've never actually introduced an ad. We'll be back to the phone lines after this. But we're not doing that. We're not doing that because we're not organized enough to really pick a spot. So let's crack into things. I feel like we might have done this before,

but we've got some fresh ones in. Things you thought were normal in your family that weren't. Hi, Des. I'm just listening to the most recent podcast, and you said the prompt is something of what your family, what you thought was normal, I don't know, whatever it was. That's not universal that your family does, whatever. So I would always go to my friend's house and they would be like, oh, like, well, you just grab the butter. And I would go to the cabinet and I would look for the butter and they're like, it's in the fridge. I'm like, but you don't keep it on a plate in the cabinet?

And they thought I was the weirdest kid. So to the point, though, that, like, it became like a running joke. And mind you, like, we were like early elementary school, maybe middle school. And still to this day, one of my really good friends will always be like, it's in the fridge. So I thought that was weird. I don't know. I get it. like you could store the butter in the fridge, but it's already pretty softened, and then you don't

need to melt in in the microwave. So, I mean, it's not weird. It's just Mark. I don't know. All right. Bye. Well, I'm about to make your day a lot better. Your family was correct, and your friends are wrong. Your friends are 100% incorrect. The butter does not need to be in the fridge. It's way better when it's not. And anyone who tells you different is wrong. And I didn't know that for a lot of my life. But then, you know, in Ireland, it's more common to leave the butter in a butter tray. And actually, my cousin visited me last year, my cousin, Sheneid. And as her parting gift for staying here, she left us with a butter tray. But the American butter trays are more narrow, because Americans like narrow sticks of butter. Irish butter tray is superior. It's wider. You can get a

full block of Kerry Gold in there. Listen, I'm not competitive about different things, but Ireland does butter and butter trays better. And I think most people now know that Kerry Gold is a superior butter, even though I think American Kerrigold is not as good as Kerry Gold in Ireland. But I'm open to correction on that. Might get called out on that too, say it's the exact same. But I don't think it is because Kerrigold in the States, they've started to do narrow sticks of butter to suit the American butter tray or certainly the American aesthetic. Anyway, I now put my butter in a butter tray.

I leave the butter out. And that's the way it should be. Right. So they were wrong. You were right. And the next time they say it's in the fridge, saying, yeah, because you're a fucking idiot. Right?

Maybe don't say it with such a passion, but they're wrong. They've been shaming you incorrectly. So that was one of the great things I learned in my life. You could leave the butter out. Now, here's the question, Nicole. are you an in the fridge or out of the fridge butter person? So there are layers to this for me.

Okay, here we go. Growing up, we had the butter in the fridge. I didn't realize until later in life that it could be out. Once I saw it was out, I was like, oh, this is the way. A million percent of this is the way. Love that it's already soft. The one question mark I have on this is I've only ever seen it in the butter tray out on the counter. the cabinet is kind of throwing me a little bit.

Drawing you. It's put away with boxes of cereal and like other products like that. I mean, I've had boat. Now, on a dish uncovered, it would be the thing that I would have flagged in the way she described it. Sure. But, and it's all,

it's always down to the amount of usage in your family, right? So like if you got a butter tray and you've lumped a huge, thing of butter. It's like, how fast did your family get through this? Because I'm pretty sure maybe our food science people could message in, or maybe Google, actually, Nicole, what is like too long to leave the butter out? Actually, we might be calling ourselves out here now in two seconds. Because that's the thing. It's like, if it goes in the cabinet and then nobody's having butter for three days, that's not ideal either. What are they, what's, what's the word on the street, Nicole? Um, okay. Uh-oh.

She doesn't look happy. This could be wrong. Butter can, so some sources are saying it can only be left on the counter. Do you want to make a guess? Oh, they're going to say like five hours or some shit? Well, that's really fast. Make a real guess. Oh, no, 24 hours?

So some of these are saying it can only be on the counter for one to two days. But if it's properly stored, it could be a week or two. Um, but that's specifically, I think, for salted butter. Right. Um, because it has a high fat content, it won't, like, easily grow mold quickly. Yes. But I guess it can get sour or bitter. But if it's in the covered dish, I think you could probably keep it out for a couple

weeks. But I feel like some people have that butter out for months. Yeah. Well, I, see, that's the whole thing with me. It's like, I take it. I do still put my. butter in the fridge, but then because we're away all the time. But once I'm back, I take it out.

And if I forget to take it out, then I'm pissed off at myself because my first slice of toast with the beautiful Brian Rear Cherry Jam, and Hannah's mom, my mother-in-law gets me, then it's, I'm annoyed at myself. So all I'm saying- So I guess the cabinet is safer storage per these guidelines then, because then you're even more like cool, dry, dark place. Actually, Burnifone doesn't have any merch. I'm thinking that our first bit of merch should be the Burnerphone butter tray.

Burn a butter tray. Do we incorporate butter the cat? Butter the cat. The fucking the whole thing is already there. We make a burner butter tray that has like butter the cat's design. The only problem is you'll never be able to find it and it'll be the biggest bitchy fucking tray. you've ever seen in your life. You know?

And when you try to grab it, it'll swat at you and hiss. So should it be like in like a cat loaf position or would it be better if it's like, you know like a cartoon picture of a cat where they're like on their back with like a little ball of yarn if we did like on the back and then the butter was on the belly? I know the only problem is that how can you not have the cat loafing in the butter tray for your loaf? Totally. It's got a loaf.

You know, right? Do we know any ceramic designers? Yeah, or glassware people. I feel like this is not the most practical merch that's ever been created. I guess you could do class. Could you do like digital, could you do like 3D printing? The one piece of merch from the show is a butter tray. Burn a phone butter tray.

And it has to be big enough for Kerry Gold. Yeah, well, yeah. So butter is going to be like a little wide. Yeah. Which happened once when we got. when we were looking after, when we were fostering the kittens. And the whole thing with them is that the shelter likes them a certain weight before they give them the snip.

So our mission was to fatten them up. So they had given us this like, you know, kitten fattening food. But Hannah was like giving it to butter. Next thing butter fucking blew up like a balloon. So we had like, we had fat, fat butter, very fatty butter for like a short period of time. because we have the litter robot, so the litter robot weighs, and suddenly butter was fucking blowing up like a balloon. Aw.

Anyway, shout out. So anyway, we're big butter tray fans here. Let's crack on. Hi, long time listener, first time caller. Oh, it's exciting. So something that I used to judge people for, but I now understand. I started bartending when I was 21, and I really didn't understand why people drink light beer.

And for some reason, specifically Nicola Bultra stuck out to me. I was just like, I don't get it. Why would you drink a light beer if you're trying to get, or why would you even drink in general if you're not trying to get a buzz? And now at 33, guess what my go-to drink is? That's right. It's freaking Nicolob Ultra because it's low in calories. I can drink it for a long time without getting too buzzed and too sleepy.

So that's how I know I'm officially getting older. Yeah, I forgot to say that I put one in from the last prompt. So, you know, I think there's just so much stuff about getting older. Light beer, like not being able to pig out, having to control your ice cream intake, like all these things that you think are never going to be you. They just happen. Which reminds me, I haven't said, give us a call 9175-1-2-17-58. 917512175A or what's that bus plus 1646424242-2-370-20 which reminds me I didn't I didn't go through the what's it you know because we we ended up like you know we ended up

will we take a risk and just let's just will we take a risk and just go let's we go straight out of a WhatsApp we don't even know what it is we just got hey mystery WhatsApp here on Burn the phone. It's our new segment. Mystery WhatsApp. I got a one minute, 33 second here coming in. Will we go mystery WhatsApp?

Yeah. I'll send you the audio after, but this is coming straight out of my phone. Here we go. Mystery WhatsApp. I'm burning a phone. Okay, so I finally have finished yesterday year. Oh, we can't mystery.

Whoa. Not for now. Dennis and Jim, Chris. No messages. Not for now. Not for now. Here on the Mystery Burnifone. There's another one. Let's see if it continues.

Of course it's yesteryear. Okay, here we go. No, I fully read this as a mystery. Okay. Sorry. Wow. Even though she actually used the word mystery. What are the odds? All right. Yeah, that was the only one that came in since that episode. Next week on Mystery WhatsApp, you can hear the actual...

There's a silliness to today, but it's August. You know? It's August 4th. There's a special day. Silly season, the month of August. Nobody's, nobody's serious. Anyway, 9-175-1-2-17-8. Or if you want to send a mystery WhatsApp, plus 1646-4-2-370-20.

Here on the burner phone hotline, we're going to take another one from Sweet Caroline. Here's a question. Are you getting rewarded? for paying your rent or mortgage right now? If the answer is no, then you need to check out Built. Becoming a Built member means earning points on every housing payment, no matter where you live. Built B-I-L-T, Built Points can be redeemed for flights, hotels,

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how to use a fork and a knife so we all just had our own meat scissors so I grew up using meat scissors to cut my chicken and my steak and then I go to college I get to college and I'm like, where's the scissors? So I thought everybody used scissors to cut up their meat. And apparently that is not normal. Wow. I mean, I got to think she noticed that a little earlier because she must have gone to some restaurants. But still, like, the scissors thing, that's amazing. Oh, honestly, though, I think your mom was kind of right. Like, there's certain types of meat that are just practical when you get the meat scissors out. You know, there's just certain ones that are just handy.

What I will say is, I'm not going to say who, but there's a member of my extended family that definitely was not taught how to cut meat properly. Have you ever, I think I've, I think actually, I think this is one of the callouts that happened to me. I've made this point before, some people said maybe it's like a sensory thing, but like, I have a few members of my family that they don't use a fork and knife properly. And I'm like, you're in your 40s. Like, have you not figured out?

Because they do the, they do the fork inside, the inside hand fork. Are you know what I'm talking about? Sometimes it feels good. But it's not right. Oh my God. Are you an inside? Absolutely not. No, I know how to use it right.

But sometimes if you're like going crazy and you just want to hold it in a silly way, it feels good. Wow. You got to let go and try it sometime. So hold it like with your fist like inside fork while you're cutting. Like, like do people understand what I'm saying? Like, it's hard to say because it's, It's not a visual podcast, but the...

Like you're making a fist facing yourself? Yes, facing myself with the... And that's holding the fork. That's holding the fork. How's the knife being held? And the knife is normal. But then they eat the food like this. They eat the food with the inside fork.

Yeah, that's a little scary. Speaking of like differences, you know, we got a lot... We have a lot of focus on the differences in pronunciations and spellings between Ireland, the UK, and the United States of America, you know, I've said this before. When I moved to Ireland, I realized that, like, they're two-handed. They eat with two hands, like, all the time.

We had made fun of my father, but I didn't really know, I didn't really understand, like, why my dad was so different when he ate. But then when I got to Ireland, like, everybody was racing past me when they were eating. I'm in fucking boarding school. I felt like a weirdo because I was doing the swap hands-y American way. But now I eat, like, a European, two hands. Do you eat like a European? European or do you eat like an American? I think I need you to elaborate a little bit more.

Like what do you mean swap hands versus? Some Americans cut the meat and then they swap the hand to they put the fork into their right hand and just eat with the fork. So they're cutting with their dominant hand. They have their fork in the left, which is where the fork is supposed to be. Forks on the left knives on the right. That's the way I was raised. Okay. There's a reason for that, which is you hold the fork in your left hand, you use your good hand, not for everybody, but unfortunately the world is skewed against left-handed people. So you use what's supposed to be your good hand because the world doesn't give a fuck about left-handed people, which I don't agree with.

So you cut with the right hand. But then a lot of Americans will then put down the knife and swap the fork to their right hand and eat it. I'm always cutting with the left and eating off the fork with the right and I never switch. Okay. Yeah, that's the, well, that's the European way. It's back. Yeah, but the way I'm holding them is backwards to you. Oh, so you hold it, sorry, you don't have the fork in the left hand? No.

Oh, my God. I'm cutting with my non-dominate hand. Interesting. And then I'm eating with the right. I just have more court, because, I mean, when you're cutting, maybe this is backwards, but I feel like you need more coordination with the fork, with the movements of the fork than you do with the knife. It's kind of just stabbing the same place. Yeah.

Yeah. So I moved to Ireland and I changed the way that I ate. And I think that they're correct. You know? And that's why it's forks on the left, knives on the right. So every time you sit down, you have to swap. So the fork, the fork and the knife are incorrectly situated for you. No, aren't the forks, oh, yeah. Forks on the left, knives on the right. But I also, I still don't know the order. When there's more than one fork, I'm fucked. I have no idea. They look exactly the same. Well, you work outside in, right? I think that's right. But I feel so lost when I see the multiple works.

But by the way, also completely unnecessary. You know? Oh, let me tell you something. Maybe I'm going to get called out for this. I have never needed a fish knife in all of my fucking existence. Every time, yeah, you know, when they give you this like, it's like a weird, like flatter knife that almost looks like a mini pie thing. And that's like because you're having fish. And I know somebody's going to message this is the reason why.

Never needed it. Never in my life needed a fish knife. I don't think I've really needed a knife, period, when eating fish. Yeah, basically you don't. I understand, like, maybe you're trying to get some bones out. Maybe somebody could message in and tell us what was the purpose of the fish knife. You go to a fancy restaurant. What I love, too, is, like, certain restaurants, like, even places where, like, steak is, like, a really popular dish.

So you order food, you order steak. Then they come, they swap out your knife for a fucking steak knife. It's like, yo, there was, like a 45% chance I was ordering fucking steak. Why don't you just put the steak out? And take, how come it's always a steak knife that has to be, you know, it's like discrimination against steak knives. Why don't you put the steak night down, right? And then when I don't, when I, when I order steak, take away to butter knife or whatever the fuck. I call that a butter knife.

What are you calling that? Just the regular one. The regular one? Yeah. Oh, I grew up calling that a butter knife. Actually, what, there's a lot. This, this episode is, is that what we're calling it, the butter knife? Because somebody messaged in about stuff that annoys them.

And it annoyed them when you called. cutlery silverware, which definitely as a kid. What I did? No, not you. One, when one does. Oh. When one does say... I thought I got called out again. No, no, no. Like when a person calls out says silverware instead of cutlery. And silverware is like a special thing. But as a kid, I definitely said silverware. I didn't say cutlery. And then in Ireland, they call it the Delph. And I don't even know where that comes from. Delph? Yeah, the Delph. Can you Google that, please? Why do Irish people call cutlery Delph? I'm sure there's a reason. We're learning a lot today. We're really getting deep. Oh, because, okay, so it comes from the Dutch town of Delft.

Wow. Which became famous for its glazed earthenware and blue and white pottery imported into Britain and Ireland in the 18th century. So it used to be called Delphware. Oh, Delphware. Oh, Delphware. But is that not for forks and knives, though? It says it's for crockery, plates, and cups. All right. So I think I was probably using the Delphin correctly. Now, what is crockery? Crockery is like ceramic pots and stuff, isn't it?

What our butter tray be crockery? Would a butter tray be crockery? This is, they're getting deep into it. All I know is my grandmother loved a casserole in a ceramic. Pot. But isn't that why they call them a crock pot? I love a casserole. I tell you, you can't slow cook fucking food enough for me. I love a fucking casserole. God rest my grandmother. She's dead since 1998. I'm throwing out the first pitch in City Field on August 28th, New York Mets. My grandmother was a fanat. I mean, I'm a fanatical. So by the way, fun fact. But I will find it hard not to cry on

that man thinking about my grandmother not being alive. see that. And I make fun of Hannah for getting upset when she talks about her grandfather dying because it's such a low-level grief. But I have to say, I will be missing my grandmother at that moment because I will be throwing out the first pitch. Shout out to Peggy O'Connor. My grandmother, Peggy, that's a grandmother's name. It's Margaret. The Irish love, the Irish love having two names for no fucking reasons. I was like, her name's Margaret, but we call her Peggy. You know? My aunt, my aunt Mary is actually Carol.

Caroline. Yeah, my aunt. So there's a lot of that. And then my uncle Jack is actually John. But anyway. Totally. So long story short, I don't know how we got here, but I love a casserole. Absolutely love a casserole.

So needless to say, I think I've been using the Delphin correctly. So that's good to know. We're finding out a lot today. Your fingers are going to be, you're not. going to have any fingerprints left at the end of this episode. I know. All right, let's take a couple more here on Burnifone. Hi, Des.

Hi, Nicole. Also, hi, Hannah. We miss you. This is my first time calling in. So this is something that my family used to do, but something that they used to say that I thought was universal and meant something completely different. But my dad would always say to rinse the schmigma off of chicken when we would be about to cook it or to rinse the schmeggies off of it.

So growing up until I was like a. about 20 years old, I thought that that smegma was just the gross stuff on chicken. And it turns out that's not what it is. So, yeah. You know, it's very interesting. I don't think, I bet you everyone listening doesn't know what schmegma is, you know? You think? I mean, message in if you didn't know what schmegma was before we told you.

Comment what you think it is. Yeah, well, no, because we're going to talk about it. So we're not going to, pause the episode. And comment what you think it is. Hit the Spotify comments right now. What did you think? No,

because, you know, when I first started doing comedy in Ireland, there was this guy he had a character. It was Dr. J.W. Schmegma. But like a lot of people, like a lot of, and here's the thing.

You know, in America, there's not as much smegma because it's mostly circumcised men. Now, are we calling the, are we calling the, do women have schmegma too? is a different word for their sort of stuff. It's quite disgusting. I apologize. Yeah. What's the, so we know smegma is the sort of cheesy residue.

I think most people consider it kind of cheesy residue under the foreskin of a man's, a man's member. But is it 100, now here's a question. Is it 100% incorrect to refer to the sort of gook on a chicken as smegma? Do you want to Google it? Do you want to Google? Your algorithm's going to get weird. No, is there like other uses for the word smegma or is it very specific?

I don't even know what to look like what is the discharge on chicken? Like what am I supposed to be looking up? No, no, no. Let's broaden it out. Are there other uses for schmigma other than related to the male sex organ? Because I don't want you to get in trouble. I don't want you get flagged. What are we got here? Wow.

This is crazy. Oh, my God. The historical meaning. The historical meaning. The word original. You really, when I asked you to get on board on this podcast, you really didn't know the journey that you were about to be on. You're just, you mean. Like the historical meaning really tickled me.

Okay. So the word, I'm really trying not to laugh. It's okay to laugh. I'm like, I'm stuck in laugh mode. The word originates from the ancient Greek word smegma, which meant soap. Right. A cleansing mixture or an unduit. What is that word?

What? U-N-G-U-E-N-T New word for me. New word every day. New word alert. New word alert. Here are birdapode. Undjuent. Unduant.

Used for wiping clean. It was adopted into medical terminology in the early 19th century because the bodily secretion resembles a soft, waxy paste. Right. Gross. But it's also used in veterinary medicine. The term explicitly describes the normal lubricating secretions found in the folds of healthy animals like horses and bulls. Right. Okay.

No mention of a chicken breast. No, but not, you know what, though? It makes sense that perhaps the smegma term didn't, in her father's case, it didn't evolve from him thinking about smegma in penis terms. It actually, probably he might have had involvement in some sort of agrivenants. in his youth or somewhere in his lineage, the family was involved with horses or bulls, and they would, you know, talk about the schmegma that builds up under the folds. So not as crazy as one would think. I have a perfect recent comparison to this as well.

So the other day, first of all, do you have like a certain word that you used to describe when your dog leaves their little nose prints on glass? I don't have a word. I don't have a word. I would just say that the dog smudged his face on the glass. So for whatever reason, growing up my parents, I think would say splooge. So I still use that. Great word. But it's in my mind, it's so separate from like cum sploogh that I'm not even thinking about that.

I didn't even think about, I didn't think about coming to you mentioned it. Totally. Well, people say splooge for come. Are you being silly? I can't tell. No, I, I, no. You stuttered so much that it seemed like you were faking. I'm not faking.

No, I had no idea that sploog was a ejaculation term. Another lesson on this episode. A new word. Inguyen and sphuge. Sploge? Yeah. That one passed me by, man. You know?

Yeah. So I said that the other day talking about Raspberry on like Chris's, like, Jeep windows. I was like, oh, she like, there's spooge. has a spoo job. You better say that Chris, you better say that Chris is your boyfriend's name, not Chris former producer. Yes,

of course. They're two separate guys. I am not a nepo baby. I got this job of my own accord. There is more than one Chris, and he's a different guy. But yeah, he was like,

dude, that is like a crazy thing to say. But I just never really put it together until that moment. So anyways. Can you just one last bit of the Googling has been very good for us today. Can you Google, like, what does splooge mean? Because, like, I, this is a real news to me. Like, splooge to me was just like one of those words that, like,

people just, you know. You should ask Hannah after. What does spooge mean? Yeah, the first thing, splooge is an informal slang word that most commonly refers to semen ejaculation or the act of ejaculating. Really? Wow. That's new to me, man. That could be an American thing. Or I might Maybe just like a recent thing. Yeah, Spooge. But yeah, so Spooge, yeah, I got, I got roasted for saying splooge. So, sph for your dog's nose against the glass. Is Spooge.

Spooge. Spooge a good word, though. It's unfortunate that's been sort of co-opted by ejaculation because the minute you said splooge, I got excited. I was like, Sploge, that's an awesome word. That's kind of the whole thing, yeah. Yeah, like that's the problem with, like, good words get co-opted by things that are like, uncomfortable.

totally you know um but despite all the like cum related things another question i had about this about smegma yeah but well about the submission is the washing of the chicken do you wash your chicken or no because this has become like a huge internet debate really i really don't cook a lot I don't think I've ever cooked like no stop I mean have a chicken have I done some like some chicken legs on the grill yes and like I have not washed them I haven't so I must say that I but I've never roasted a full chicken I've never taken a chicken out and like cooked that myself I've never scissered off the the limb. of a chicken. Yeah, but there's other steps that come before that. Like, you never just did like a chicken breast in the pan. Well, oh, sorry, of chicken breasts included in this?

Any type of chicken. Oh, I don't wash the chicken breast. No. Yeah, I see people like scrubbing the chicken breasts. Really? I don't, like my whole idea with the chicken, well, my whole idea with the chicken was that you had to cook it thoroughly because chicken is potential for, so I wasn't thinking that the washing was going to help that.

I was assuming the cooking was getting rid of all that. that shit anyway. What are we washing off? I don't know. I'm not a washer. During this internet debate, did you look up the thing or no?

I still have like multiple tabs open about cum, so just give me one second. Oh, God, this episode has to be called like Sploge Fest or something. I'm not calling that. After like all the other ones,

all the other ones are so serious in the actual prompts. And then this one just splooge fast out of nowhere. Anyways, so I'm not sure why people wash it, but it says you're not supposed to wash it. I'm guessing people wash it because they're like scared of the bacteria. But if there's more reasons, please chime in. Yeah, and I was scared the bacteria is like in it. Right.

It says rinsing it spreads the harmful bacteria like salmonella through water, splash it onto your sink, counters nearby food, and the proper cooking will actually safely kill all the germs. Okay, so that's that's the, that's what I've been going on. 100%. But I saw a chef one time, an Instagram chef, say that they do wash the chicken. So, and like seeing them wearing gloves and stuff to handle it. So I'm like, well, I'm going to coin a new term right now for somebody who does something that's unnecessary. I call that a bit sploogy.

Yeah, totally. So spooge. It's really sure. Spoogy behavior. You know what a controversy I encountered related to chicken. Well, what made me think of it was because of chicken, doing chicken on the grill. You're not supposed to, well, people are very against using the steel bristles for cleaning the grill because a loose bristle can get off and then cause you damage. Have you heard this?

I have. Yes. Have you stopped using them? Well, I don't have a grill. Oh, right. Okay. I can't really weigh in on that. I live in an apartment in Jersey City, but.

Well, I don't cook much, but I'm a big fan of the grill. You love the grill. Yeah, well, that's why we, when we talk, when we do ads and we talk about getting protein delivered, it's authentic because it's like one of the only things I can do is grill stuff. And like, actually, it comes out decent, you know. So anyway, let's, let's, let's, let's, we got time for one or two more. Let's, let's take one or two more. Hey, Brenner's phone. I'm a second time caller.

My one other call actually did make it on the pod and it was a whole podcast. about it, so it's pretty hype about that. Anyway, I'm calling in on the prompt of things that are normal in your family that are not that normal outside of that. And it's kind of adjacent to the prompt, but one that I had was growing up, I was like, oh my gosh, my dad's like so funny. He said all these, like, plenty one-liners, like ancient Chinese secret or other things like that and then I pretty much just watched

Wayne's World and Wayne's World too and I was like oh none of his material is original he just repeats things movie quotes and here I thought he was like coming up with all this stuff himself and it's really just from like Wayne's World or any Adam Sam or a

movie so yeah it was a little bit of a shocking letdown but it's like you funny anyway love you guys love you Nicole you guys are doing great number one pod. Oh, you're getting a lot of love today, Nicole.

Shout out. Love you all back for real. Here's what I'll say. I'll say, you know, you might need to talk about this a little more in therapy because like the, most people are just using like joke jokes. Like he's the same as most dads. I mean, there's literally a whole genre of jokes called dad jokes.

So I don't think you need to, I don't think you need to feel bad. I think he's just being typical dad. And I think that one of the joys of this life is being the person that gets to impart all these like initial sort of kid-friendly jokes to children. It's fun. I love doing it. I Google it.

I Google like appropriate jokes for children. And then, no, because it's funny. Like there's all the, you know, all the, what do you call a fake noodle? and impasta and, you know, all these great jokes that, like, are just funny little one-liners for kids. But it's, it's interesting because, like, there's a certain age where they don't get them, right? And, like, I don't know if you've experienced at the age where the kid understands the structure of a joke, but doesn't understand, like, like, why a punchline would be funny. So they say one and they pretend that they get it.

And then they, like, start making ones up. I mean, it's always poop. Poop is always the punchline. But it's fun watching them understand the structure. but not understand why it's funny. So your dad was just, that's a phase of development. I'm sorry that you felt robbed of the joy of that experience by realizing he got it from Wayne's World.

But like even on Wayne's World, they didn't get it. You know, like even on Wayne's World probably, although I can't remember what specific Wayne's World jokes. But they're just, these are the jokes. They're joke, their dad jokes. Joke jokes. But I don't even know if these are like, because if they're from like Will Ferrell movies and stuff,

she said, like, I don't know, I relate to this because growing up, my mom, my mom likes two movies, and it's Greece and the breakfast club, and that's like all she likes. And would recite things from those movies. Can you hear this? Maybe I should turn it up. Right. I, sorry, you go and then I'll tell you. But she would just, like, say random shit from those movies, and I didn't watch them until I was older.

so she would say like you're cruising for a bruising a lot, which is like a weird thing for a mom to say. That's basically like I'm going to hit you. But is that from breakfast? I think that's from Greece. Oh. But she would like say random shit from those movies. I still say you cruising for a bruising.

I think it is. But yeah, she would just say stuff like that and we were like, what? But she's also a teacher and still says this to her students today. And they're like cruising for a bruising? I have no clue what you're talking about. Cruising for a bruising is very acceptable. language as far as I'm concerned. Do you know what?

We used to sing when we were kids. My cousins used to sing it to me and then we all sang it. I like your heinie. It's very shiny. You better hide it before I bide it. What's that? What's that? Cruising for a brusin.

That's just silly stuff. But breakfast club, man, that's, that's. So breakfast club, like, this is how I gave the middle finger. But then breakfast club came out and they did that like, you bend your finger half way. And then, by the way, fun fact, I have like a slight bend in both of my fingers. Like, I don't know if you notice that my middle finger actually has a slight bend in it, both sides. Can you see it? Yeah.

Yeah. So anyway, fun fact. Bernaphone does deformity. Fun fact, does as a slightly deformed middle finger here. Slightly deformed middle finger. And slight curve. So anyway, I don't think I can ever go back to. this. I've used the middle finger like this all because of fucking Judd Nelson. But you're changing your, it's not the bent finger. Like you're changing from the, like your other No, no, no. The bent finger part is separate. I'm not saying that I used to do this. Now I do that.

That was from, that was from Breakfast Club. Because Edna, he did the famous thing. Can you hear this? Maybe I should turn it up. That was, that's like one of the, that's one of the most important movies of the Gen X childhood. Yeah. I think I started doing it like how you're it the second way because I saw Eminem do it one time and I was all right well I guarantee I know where fucking Eminem got it because we're like the same age club it's a fact bro there is no way every little brat kid like me and Eminem and let me tell you about Eminem I actually can't picture him watching the breakfast club that's really scary oh that's it well we got to go here folks we got to go we got to get to the end of the episode there is one more if you want to do it I know, but Nicole, you have a doctor's appointment.

I know, I know I do. And I respect your time. And I don't want you to be late. Do you want to play it out and then you can leave? Well, you have to press stop. No, I'll be okay. I can play it. All right.

Let's go for one more. Let's wrap it up. Hey, Deb. Hey, Nicole. This is Brittany calling from Charleston, South Carolina. And I'm a longtime listener. I'm calling in for the, you know, what is one thing that your family does or did that you thought was universal, but is it?

Actually brought back some cute memory. So my parents, or I guess it was really my mom, my mom would, you know, be Santa Claus for us. And on all of our gift tags from the Santa Gifts, she would include, like, a clue about what was in there. So she would write, for example, like, two music-loving. girl from a hip-hop Santa Claus or something really silly like that. And it would be like an iPod. And I just thought that was how Santa did that for all the kids. But my mom was just really into holidays and always went all out for them.

So I thought that was cute. And the prompt brought back those memories. Anyways, I love the pod. Thank you all so much. Have a good one. So I didn't, can you explain that one to me? Yes. So my boyfriend's family does this, and that was the first time I saw this, was Santa, like, they're signing the gifts creatively based on what the gift actually is. Okay, cool.

So they might, like, he, you know, loves Batman, Indiana Jones and stuff like that. So if the gift was like something related to that, it would be like to Chris from Indy or Bruce Wayne or, you know, they're doing stuff like that. Oh, cool. Versus all of mine are like to Nicole from Santa. From Santa. Yeah. Yeah. So they're kind of like being a little bit more creative with it, which I think is cute because now he still does that with his parents. Oh, that's nice.

All those traditions are so great. You know, the things like you just have to pass them on. You have to make it magical for as long as possible. And then one day some fucking brat kid in their class will ruin it and take away the magic, you know? How soon after all the people in your house knew that Santa wasn't real, did your parents stop saying? love Santa on the gifts. My parents really tried to hold it down for a long time. And they, like, weren't really trying at a certain point.

Like, they were switching who was writing the letter from Santa every year. And my dad writes in all caps and my mom writes in cursive. So, like, their handwriting is totally different. So, and they have very recognizable handwriting. So every year it was like, looks like dad's handwriting. And we also didn't have, like, we had an electric fireplace. So we were, like, how does he get? in here and they're like, he has the garage code.

Like, you know, there's just like little things that they just, they lost the plot and the story changed every year. No, but I mean, because like, what happened to us is like, obviously my parents knew that we knew, but they kept saying love Santa for like quite a number of years afterwards. Yeah, I had a little brother. So once I found out, which was by seeing like, I mean, the pieces were adding up over time, but then I saw, uh, I got an American girl doll one year. and I got the doll without the box

and I saw the box in their closet. Oh my God. Well, I also kind of treated Santa like Jesus where I was like telling him in my mind. Like if you get me this specific thing, then I know you're real. So I had that little game going off myself. But anyway, so once I found out,

I think they were still like signing off from Santa for a couple years. My brother's two years younger than me. So probably for a few more years until he found out. But I think he was a late. I'm a big fan of the magic. I just wish that there were other things other than Santa that eventually people go, you know that it was fine when you were growing up, but it's bullshit. There's a lot of other ones I would add to the list, but I'm not going to get into it because it's not a political podcast.

Well, the tooth fairy is causing big problems these days because everybody gets a different amount of money from the tooth fairy. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. The tooth fairy has, is, is the tooth fairy. the tooth fairy in the culture war now? The tooth fairy is in the culture war. Oh shit, man. The tooth fairy was so fun.

I got a quarter. And then other people are like, I got 10 bucks. A quarter? In 2026? Inflation. What? I would have been pissed off at a quarter in 1982. No.

You would have been pissed off at a quarter? Oh, it was always a dollar. Really? Yeah, I never got a quarter, bro. I think we had change. I think for like, the first couple, maybe it was like a bill of some kind, but... By the way, we weren't loaded, but it was always a dollar.

Yeah, that makes sense. Did your parents keep your teeth? I don't, I don't know and I won't be able to find out, sadly. I mean, I know that there was like first hair, first, like, lock of hair. I know they had that for a while, but who knows where all that is. Who knows where those childhood molars are? Anyway, Nicole, Nicole has a doctor's appointment, everybody. So we got to go.

Yeah, my bad. No, we're kidding. We've been talking over an hour. So anyway, guys, oh, you know, I don't have a prompt for next week. You're going to have to pay attention to my Instagram. I have not been organized enough. I don't have a prompt for next week. Pay attention to my Instagram.

And other than that, thanks, everybody. I might as well read out the number one more time. 9-175-12-6-4-2-3-7-0-0 if you're sending us a WhatsApp. and fun episode. Thank you. Thank you, Nicole, aka Caroline, aka the Google Master.

And we'll see you guys next week.