Critical Role - TOTAL PARTY KILL | Critical Role Chicago Live 2025 Part 1

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

Part 1 The cast of Critical Role transforms into one of their original campaign characters (voted on by our audience) for our Chicago Live Show! Watch Game Master Matthew Mercer transport our heroes into the deadly game show ""Total Party Kill,"" hosted by the charismatic Malvolio Contreras (special guest Robbie Daymond). Critical Role's 10-Year Anniversary Chicago Live Show took place on April 10th, 2025 at the Wintrust Arena. BEACONWe’re excited to bring you even MORE with a Beacon membership! Start your 7-day free trial today at https://beacon.tv/join and get unparalleled access to the shows you love completely ad-free! You’ll receive NEW Beacon exclusive series, instant access to VODs & podcasts, live event pre-sales, merch discounts, & a private Discord. YOUTUBE MEMBERS / TWITCH SUBSCRIBERSTwitch Subscribers and YouTube Members gain instant access to VODs of our shows, moderated live chats, and custom emojis & badges:https://www.youtube.com/criticalrole/joinhttps://www.twitch.tv/criticalrole   Character Art by Frank Liu || @Massive_Mola || https://feiyangfrankliu.myportfolio.com/work"F*ck Your Favs" song by Robbie Daymond & Garrett Williamson, Vocals by Robbie Daymond & Matthew Mercer

Hey there, Critter Podcast listeners. We have a special new membership service at Beacon.TV, where you get early access to all new podcast episodes, including Critical Role for the first time ever. Beacon members also get things like live event pre-sales, merch discounts, access to a private community Discord, and new exclusive series like Critical Role Cooldown. Think of it as our digital Critical Role land.

Head on over to Beacon.tv to check it out for yourself and start a seven-day free trial. Thank you so much for your support, for being a podcast listener, and for being a part of our community. Hey there, Critters. This is Ashley Johnson. And Taliesin Jeffy.

And we're popping in here to talk about our new podcast on Beacon, Weird Kids. In this series, we're diving into our lives as former child actors, from unraveling our eccentric upbringings to embracing all the delightfully odd interests we still have today. We're covering so many topics like antique toys, taxidermy, Japanese pop culture, and honestly, anything else we come up with. Weird Kids is available exclusively on Beacon. We'll see you next time. Following the series on our at the weird kids pod Instagram and using the hashtag weird kids. So to all the misfits, outcasts and weirdos out there, come take a seat at our table and celebrate all things unconventional, nostalgic and wonderfully weird.

Welcome to Weird Kids. New episodes release every Tuesday. Hey there, it's Liam O'Brien. Welcome to the Critical Role Podcast Network. Every Tuesday. Right now and without any ads, consider becoming a Beacon member. You'll receive access to exclusive content, discounts at all our online critical role shops, exclusive pre-sales for live events, and much more. Start your seven-day free trial today at beacon.tv. Well, that should cover it. Now let's dive into the adventure. Critters! Are you ready?

Please welcome to the stage Matthew Marshall! Matthew Marshall! Hello. Hello! Hello! My goodness, look at this crowd tonight! Oh, wow. Welcome, friends, one and all, to what is likely going to be a very unique evening. But it is my pleasure to be here. I am your GM for this chaos of the night, Matthew Mercer.

But you, who are here tonight, have helped guide how this story will unveil to a degree by deciding which characters our players this evening will be stepping into. Beginning with the first player reveal of tonight, you voted to see if either Keyleth or Beauregard would be inhabited for tonight's adventure. And you decided upon, by a very narrow margin... Beauregard!

Marisha Ray, ladies and gentlemen! Let's go! Come on, come on, come on! Thank you for joining us, Marisa. Thank you. The second choice that you all made collectively this evening involves what the next player's character will be. The choice between Grog Strongjaw or Chetney Pockipie.

Your votes tonight decided upon... Grog Strongjaw! Let's bring to the stage Travis Willingham, ladies and gentlemen. Let's fucking go! Yes! Holy shit. We're already at some energy tonight. I love this.

Up next, friends, the third player of the night had the choice that you guided between two characters. We had Kingsley versus Ashton, and you decided with your votes it would be... Kingsley! Taliesin Jaffee, welcome. Oh, bloody hell yes! This is going to be bloody fun! I'm here. Welcome to the table, buddy. The fourth choice you helped us guide this night

was between this next player's two characters, Caleb Widogast and Orm of the Arishari. Two very different characters. And you decided tonight's game would have... Caleb Widogast! Liam O'Brien, please come to the stage. Look at all you beautiful bastards! Let's go! Oh!

Next up, you had a choice between two also very different characters, through Vreth Burnado or Brayus Doomsdeed, both horny in different ways. And your Sword of Horniness to be chosen tonight was... Veth Burnado. Sam Riegel, please come to the stage, buddy. I regret everything. Narrowed down to our last two players, you had a choice for this next player's two characters

between Pike Trickfoot and Fern Calloway. And your votes have decided upon... Fern Calloway. Ashley Johnson, please join us on the stage. Oh! Hello, my darling. And for our final player to join us, you had a terrible choice to make.

Between Vex'ahlia and Jester. And through your votes by a landslide, you decided upon... Jester Lovell. Laura Bailey, please join us. Yeah! Yeah! I got this! Please join us. Welcome, players. Hi!

Hey, pals! This is going to be fun, fun, fun. I was under the impression that we were all dressing as our favorite Chicago characters. Oh. Is that not the case? Well, Chicago voted for him, so I think it is, technically. Hey, bratwurst! Okay.

Thank you all so much for joining us. We're super excited to have you. But before we jump into tonight's game, we have some quick announcements to get through. Marisha, I believe you've got a quick note to give as well. I do. I have a very quick one. You know, you guys, you're special. You're here with us.

You're live, in person, in the flesh. But there are so many amazing fans who aren't going to see this. For some time. So, don't be a dick. Don't post spoilers. You know, you're about to have a magical evening, and we want the people at home to be able to experience that same joy in real time. So try not to tweet anything that you might think is a spoiler. If you're like, hmm, is this a spoiler?

It's probably a spoiler. So that is my one request. Thank you so much. You're all beautiful. I do believe that concludes our announcement. No way. Chicago, are you ready? Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy.

Let's go ahead and jump into tonight's one shot of Critical Role. Yeah! Nights. One shot of Critical Role. Yeah! It's only been months since the historical event known as the Catathiosis transpired. The very pantheon of Exandria vanishing from the realm to be reborn in mortal form to escape the hunger of Pardothos, the God-Eater. In the aftermath of this chaos, many facets of society and their reaction to adjust is seen in both robust and mysterious ways.

Refugees from the Red Moon Ruidus seek to explore their new home and integrate with the societies that will have them, while those that remain amongst their crimson, wind-sheared homeland work to rebuild Ruidian society, either as an opportunity for a better future or to reclaim the proud tyranny of the Weavemind. On Exandria, the many temples of Vasselheim develop protocols to seek out the reborn deities, desperate to establish counsel and guidance within the divine before darker minds and interests can snuff out the light of the Primes as they discover their lives and purpose.

The legendary protectors of the realm, Vox Machina, wrestle with the responsibility of their titles in a world now thrown into a new age of growing change and chaos. The subversive guardians known as the the Mighty Nine, work to quell dangerous opportunism in a time where ancient dangers grow unsealed alongside new powers seeking to seize the vacuum. A complicated chosen called Bell's Hells flee from the most zealous factions of Vasselheim and deep worship, labeled by some as heretics and criminals of the doctrines of the faithful. And it's in these times where ancient magic and arcane seals of old remain broken in the wake of the Malleus Solstice.

Sometimes overwhelming power finds those whom even fate might deem dangerously unworthy. And with that, we come to Whitestone. Laura Bailey. Sorry. It's too long of a pause. It was just... Here in the later evening of the beautiful valley that surrounds the city of Whitestone,

the shaded shapes of the Alabaster Sierras, visible from beyond the windows, here in the war room of Castle Whitestone, the heroes Vox Machina gather amongst allies, circling the central table. Amongst them, Sean Gilmore, Lady Allura Vysoren, Lady Kima of Vord, and Cassandra de Rolo.

As they discuss how best to deal with this new age and the adaptation of those who live near and far. As Cassandra slams her hand on the table, friends, best we can hear in these spaces, most of Tal'Dorei is still rife with misinformation and misunderstanding. There is a challenge of how best to make people feel comfortable,

to not let panic ensue. And I'm going to be honest, outside of us here within this city, most people look up to you, the protectors of the realm. We ask you, and Lady Allura, who's, of course, everyone asks me. We think we might have a plan for locally in Whitestone, but what do you think is best across Tal'Dorei?

I think it's going to take some time for people to get used to this new normal. Whatever this new normal is at this point, where this power now lies, is it worth just admitting that time will tell? I take the feed bag off of my mouth. These oats are so good. For those who weren't there, Scanlan turned into a centaur because he's an asshole. I can help by penning some new epic songs and legends that could explain to everybody

that there's nothing to fear with the gods' absence, that they're still here in spirit and in intention, if not physically present beyond the veil. I think that should allay some worry. Babe, you don't have to whinny. I know I don't have to whinny. I also don't need a feed bag. I have hands, but it's just part of my aesthetic now. It's my aura.

You know, horses have a long snout. That's why they use a feed bag. It makes it easier for them to do. I was just hoping it was a Vax. It's got oaks everywhere. Clearly it doesn't work. Vax stands out of the spotlight, to the side, watching his family, and is immensely happy, seeing that nothing has changed. Honestly, though, Scanlan, I think you're onto something. Inspiration is what people

need. Hope. Hope, exactly. Sean Gilmore kind of leads forward. I couldn't agree with you more, honestly. With the help of a few quite accomplished mages, we could hop you on a rapid tour through Tal'Dorei. You just have to turn these songs around quickly.

You are a accomplished bard, aren't you? I could get to work on it soon, but I'm going to need help. What rhymes with change bringer? Humdinger. Oh, okay. That's a start. How about you, Grog? Do you have anything to add to the possibilities

of how best we should, Mr. What was your title again? The Grand Poobah Dedoink of all Disindans. That's right. Put some fucking respect on it. I also think what we do going forward is very important. I have to take a shit. It's that exact moment, a strange buzzing sensation fills the air,

and this crackling sound begins to spark like some strange arcane resonance. Grog, is that a fart? What is that? I'm not sure. You're never supposed to trust him, though. At which point, there is an impact, and Grog is gone. Oh! Buddy! Is that? Oh no.

He really had to go. Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Where is the deck of many things? Is this a game? Not again. And we pull away from Whitestone.

What the fuck are you doing? What's happening? I guess he gets the flaw thing. As we now come into some distant, Zemnian subterranean tunnels deep beneath the city of Rexxentrum, an underground cavern network where powerful families of old would flee attack or persecution, but has recently been rumored to be used by the Cult of the Cloaked Serpent, even in their absence, and infiltrating guilds across the city and the Empire itself.

And it's here we see the Mighty Nein, quietly and carefully delving into these dark, dank tunnels. What are we doing here again? I don't honestly remember. Oh, we went over this. We are in search of these cult members. Just follow along, okay? Okay. We cover this at length.

Keep your voices down. It is down, Caleb. How do we survive when people around us... Oh, that's right. I didn't. Well done. I'm so glad you're here, Caleb. Thank you for calling, by the way. This is ridiculously fun.

It's about this time you hear this distant slithering sound, like some sort of heavy, darkened scales scraping across stone, and the faint blue glow begins to emanate from around the carved stone edges as you watch a massive spectral naga-type serpent creature shriek its way around the corner, its hood extending, and its odd, deeply set humanoid eyes

in its semi-ethereal form glancing back with its massive fangs bared. Ah, you stride where you should not, new food. Oh, cool, it talks. They made snakes worse. I'm going to take out my Skaldsaber. Gimme. It rears back.

Strikes out at Yasha. And it misses with a natural five. You catch its blade, your blade in the middle of its jaws, and keep the daggers at bay as it pushes into you. Its strength is more than you expected. It pushes you against the stone and you feel the full weight of it

pushing against your body and its odd, ghostly breath, this mix of rot and acrid air. What the rest of you doing? Ah! Running right at it to take a slash. As you all dart inward, this strange, crackling sensation begins to fill the air

to the point where the serpent itself seems to draw away, confused. Caleb, is this you? I cast Comprehend Languages. It's about that moment that Caleb vanishes. Where'd he go? Where'd he go? Caleb, no! He's fine, he's fine, he probably

hit me up somewhere. I don't think that was Caleb. Yeah, he fell. Beau is gone. Oh! Ben! What's going on? I don't know! Where'd she go?

Jester's gone. Whoa, whoa, that's my lady! Kingsley's gone. No, Fjord, use your strength to keep me here! You son of a bitch! The nog is like, well, this is fortuitous. Less meals, but easier picking. Wait, so it's only the two of us here?

I'm still here! I'm still here, too! Just us, just us. Oh, you're still here, thank god! here! I'm still here, too! Just us, yes. Oh, you're still here, thank god! No! Fjord, fuck! It's just swords, yours and mine.

We got this. Shh! It charges towards you as we pull out of the darkened shadows from underneath Rexxentrum. Fuck! They'll be fine. You're going to survive. They'll survive that. And we focus now instead

on snow-powder-dappled dense forest. Somewhere in the Vesper Timberlands of Issylra, beyond the burning lights and braziers and torches of Vasselheim, Bells Hells flees pursuit from a crew of unhappy faithful. A troop of bounty hunters with two Judicators at the set have been following you for days

as your staff of traversal hasn't been able to regain enough charges to free you. And we find Bell's Hells breathless and for the moment not hearing their pursuers amongst the night cold air. It's out of charges. I can't get into charge. I'm jumping faster.

DM, with a roll of a natural 20 for a 33, do I sense any threats in the woods around us? As the rest of you take a moment to listen and exhale silent darkness, Orym, you pick up this distant crunching sound of the underbrush of the forest and fresh snowfall powders ever so quietly. I think we're safe here. Hey, guys. It's colder than a witch's tit out here. Can we please just figure out a way to-

It really is. I mean, I kind of like it. Ah-ha! Waking me up. We've got wildlife or a problem. What? It really is. I mean, I kind of like it. Ah! Waking me up. Forgot wildlife were a problem. What? Yeah.

Something out there. Oh no, they're back. Ah. There is a blast of bright golden light that emits from the ground surrounding you all as a divine glyph forms in the snow and blasts up where it needs you all to make wisdom saving throws. Oh!

Oh no! Wait. I don't have a lot and I'm pulled up. I don't think it's good. It's not good anyway. Just roll the dice. I rolled a three. I'm sure that's not good. I rolled a two.

Okay. So witches be ditzes? Wait, is this a spell or a magical effect? It is a magical effect, so you would have advantage. Dirty 20. Ooh, a little better. Ooh. 22. 22. Dirty 20.

Great, all right. This table, fine. We're good, we're good, we're fine. It blasts and you knock away the impact as it tries to bind itself to your physical body and hold you in place. 19 for the sexy minotaur. All right, sexy minotaur, you also shrug it off.

You know this game. Moo. Dirty tent. Dirty tent. Ashton, Laudna, Imogen, you seize up and feel your body now battle against you and hold you in place. You hear the cracking of a nearby tree as it splinters,

and what looks like a whole upper section of a fir just come crashing through, sending snow and nettles everywhere. And there you can see, just across the bit of moonlight that's reflecting off the snow, the mask of adjudicator as it slams its fists together. At that point, a crackle in the air begins to... And Fearne is gone.

Shit! It's that devil come to collect! As we pull away from Issylra, I would like you all to leave the stage. Oh! I can't. Why? What can I do?

Now... friends. All of you, wherever it is in Exandria that you may have found yourself, this odd gossamer silver curtain seems to surround you, and you feel pulled from your lives,

your worries, your lives, your worries, your thoughts, and instead find yourselves sitting, welcomingly so, in a soft, warm, beautifully lit theater. You all sit there in your chairs with an expectation of entertainment. That anticipation itself brimming up from beneath your stomach. The adrenaline beginning to spike.

The promise of something extraordinary. Something violent. Something unique and entertaining has brought you here tonight something unique and entertaining has brought you here tonight to this strange, unknown dimension beyond the realm. And it is here, friends, you discover yourselves waiting

for a proper night of entertainment. Good evening, everyone. I'm sure you're all wondering what's going on. Allow me to explain. My name is Malvolio Contreras. But you can just call me the MC. It's just a game, a little thrill, a touch of luck, some time to kill. So come along, don't be afraid, let's sing a song, let's misbehave. The rules are mine and so's their fate.

Now you call the shots, they took the bait. They're out of their depth. Oh, what a shame. So let's have a laugh and feed the flame. No resurrections or clever plays. It seems their plot almost seen better days. Get out of here. Oh, fuck. Your faves. Allow me to introduce my sidekick, Murty or Matt. Who gives a fuck?

What's a story without some pain? I'm your host. He's insane. I love the sound of a hero screaming. Wakey, wakey, you're not dreaming. Get over here. So roll the dice, hey! And watch them shatter. Live, laugh, or die.

It doesn't matter. Fuck your faves! Don't you want to watch them burn? You know it, boss. Fuck your faves! Stop the show! Hello, everyone! Oh. What?

TPK, you want to hear it? You want to say it? Oh, you've just walked right into my beautiful evening. See, this is my own little pocket dimension, and nothing gives me more power than audience applause. So let me hear it again. TPK! TPK! TPK! TPK! Oh, that feels so nice. I think this is going to go just fine. Oh, I think so too, boss. I'm real excited. You see, me and my sidekick here, Murty, have been together for years. You look better than

ever. Speak for yourself. I, you look better than ever. Oh, speak for yourself. I'm just following in your lead, bud. Oh, I love to see it. And we've got a special evening planned for you. You see, my favorite thing to do is put people through their trials and watch their tribulations. See, you love to lift up your heroes, and I love to drag them down. Nothing's better than seeing your faves. And by the way, that name of the song was,

A Fuck Your Faves As In Favorites Not Face. I know you, some of you heard that. I know it. I know the minds of this audience. So we're gonna mix things up tonight, because I know there's nothing a fandom loves more than sudden change. The top half of this show is going to be something a little different. And trust me, it's gonna be fun. Don't worry, and you're all a part of it, I promise.

So, uh, Murty, what do we have planned for them tonight? Oh, hey, we're gonna bring out your chosen heroes that we yanked from the realm. We're gonna put them through a series of challenges, see what their capabilities are, set them against each other, and whoever loses, well, they get hurt. If they lose really badly, they get really hurt. Ooh, I love it when he gets excited.

When he gets excited, I get excited. Not like that. We have a few toadies backstage. All right. It's gonna be a night like that. We've got a few toadies backstage helping us out with this evening, so I'd like to check, are any of our contestants back from their magic teleportation just yet?

You know, I think I sense an arrival right about now. Let's go ahead and, uh... Let's bring in some Beauregard Lion-Egg. How about that? Yes, yes! Oh! Well, well... Oh What the fuck is this Fantastic, oh would you mind? I know You look fantastic. Would you mind having... I know.

Oh, it's got branding. Oh, gross. Corporate shills are one of my favorite things. Who the fuck are you? Oh, I'm your host. Don't worry about the details. You can just call me MC. I hate this.

Good. Feel free to take a seat. Murty, who else have we got on the docket today? Here we're pulling a very esteemed, very well-known figure from Exandrian history. Big tall fella, big bushy beard. And an unstoppable intellect. Let's see if we can't get ourselves a... Mr. Grog Strongjaw is arriving right about now. I know you.

I know you. I know you. Yeah. What did you do? I took a shit. Oh, fuck. Woo! Take a seat right over there, Mr. Strong.

Strong Stonejaw? Strongjaw. There it is, okay, got it, whatever. Who's up next? Up next, we got plucked out of the space in the ether a complicated figure, one who's seen quite a few cycles of life on the realm, and the most recent one kind of took over the pirate space,

so we got a Kingsley in the pipeline coming to the stage here. Oh, look at you, you must be the rulers of the tacky dimension. Well bloody done. What is this? I hate it. I hate it. Hey, don't make fun of that. My mom made that. Clearly. At least we're together. I like it.

You're purple. He's purple. So are you, dummy! You know that. Who's that? Explain later. Bloody hell. He's purple! So are you, dummy! You know that. Who's that thing? Ooh. Explain later. Bloody hell.

Merde. Oh, this is getting more and more ridiculous as it goes. I'm so excited. All right, looks like the next hero to compete here at Total Particle is a gentleman known for his, well, for his stinkiness, let's be honest. His bodily upkeeps, historically known to be a little under par. If we could bring out Caleb Widogaz right about now. Boom!

Oh, of course, you are here too, eh? Hi. Oh, my God, what is going on? What is this? Uh, I think some sort of sick... A game, it looks like! For their expense. I don't know. One. Two. Three.

Four. Five. Six. Yes, yes, it's around 6,000. Have a seat, please. Ain't that cute? He's doing crowd work. I know. Looks like he has cats.

Sit down. Sit down. Sorry, boss, it's your show. No, you're doing just fine. I'll just chit-chat with them and bring out the next one. All right. Well, kind of in the theme of this one, he had a companion with their own unique journey.

A mother, a fighter, a lover, and a camp counselor, apparently. If we can go ahead and have a Veth Bernardo arrive on our stage. I know, I know, I know. We know. I know, I know. We know. Your seat's over here. Come on, sit down. It's all right, it's all right.

You're going to be fine maybe. Sounds like a velociraptor. Welcome. I wonder how... Well, what do you think? All right, we don't have time for this bit. Ford isn't here. Yes! I'm good!

That's the spirit. I love this. We're getting close. Almost there. All right. Our second-to-last arrival for the competition of the night is one who walks between many contracts. A woman who gets around in the most political of ways,

I'd say. Fearne Calloway, please. Hello, hello! Hi! Hi, oh, I know you, I know you. I know you three. I don't know you. I know you. I know you three. I don't know you two. Wait, what is this?

Hi. Oh, hi. What is this? This is hideous. This is called purple. Well, I know the color. It's just really not flattering. This is ugly.

I don't know what's it. Oh my god Oh, thank you very much What what what's happening? I don't I have to go back to my friends. Oh, they're gonna die if I don't Stay with them. Can you send me back? I'm gonna go back. Well, no, not right now Would you mind and then suddenly she's glued to her chair. Oh. What the fuck? Welcome to the show.

Oh. How are you going to pee? I guess I just got to do it in my seat. If you make me a pinky promise that you'll stay for the first few rounds, I'll unglue your tush. First few rounds of what? Yes, thank you, to the hot one. First few rounds of what?

It's not the Q&A portion anymore. That was two hours ago. All right, pinky swear. You're free. Oh, thank God my ass is free. All right. I like that. On that note,

our final contestant for the night in your games, Master, is a... Oh, I think it's going to be a real wild card night with this one. A follower of a strange idol beyond the realms of the divine, a touch of fey magic sits around her, a bit of water essence, and a whole lot of chaos. Let's go ahead and bring Jester Lavorre to the stage. What the?

Hi! Oh my gosh, what is happening here? Hi! Oh my god, I remember you. Oh my god, I love you so much. You're coming to the wedding, right? Yes, I'm coming to the wedding. Thank you so much for the invite. Where's Norm?

Where's Yasha? What's happening? They're probably dead. I don't know, I'm coming to the wedding. Thank you so much for the invite. Where's Norm? Where's Yasha? What's happening? They're probably dead. I don't know. I just ended up here. Is this Artie? Hi. What is happening?

Ah! Miss Jester, look over there at your seat. And poof, there's a pile of donuts and cookies right in front. This is the best. Hi. How are you? Nice to meet you.

Oh, my name's in the MC. It's so nice to meet you, too. We were in the middle of a fight. You know, you left my fiancé there. I don't know, maybe you should bring him here. Jester, he's holding us hostage! I'll think about it. Do not indulge the crazy man! Pleasure to meet you. I've heard so much.

Seriously, you should bring him here because he would be super rude. Maybe later. We got a thing we got to do. These are the bad guys! What's he doing? Maybe you should bring him here, because he would be super weak. Maybe later. We got a thing we can do. These are the bad guys! Maybe you should bring her fiancé, because it looks like we're short on this side. Come over here. This is the Mighty Nein side. Come over here. What are you doing over there?

What are you doing? I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. I'm staying in my chair. That's a good point. Hello, audience. What do you think? We're all assembled. We feel good? Yes, yes. Jester, don't indulge them! Oh yes, indulge them, indulge them. They're very attractive. You know, my mama was on stage.

I've always wanted to be up here. Sorry, I have a question, please. Eine Frage. Who are all of these people? I've always wanted to be up here. Sorry, I have a question, please. Eine Frage. Who are all of these people? All these people? Wonderful Exandrians and all kinds of folks who have been affected by history

far and wide and events of recent times. And everyone's a little on edge. And people that are on edge need relief. Souls from all around the realm. What about you? What region of Exandria are you from?

Shattered Teeth. The Shattered Teeth? Oh. Yes. That's cool. That's amazing. What city do you hail from here in Exandria, or the Outer Counties?

Ah, the mystical realm of Illinois. I've never heard of that one. That was cold. And tonight we have a challenge. Why are some of them dressed up as us, though? That's weird. Hi. Maybe they're like fans of yours, maybe.

I see a lot of them. One of them is dressed up as my friend Opal. Hi. All of you, rise up. Rise up together. Raise, rise up. And help us escape from this place. Agreed.

Do not be part of the problem. Or... Oh, yes. Are they all here to watch you suffer? Oh! Yeah! Oh, I'm so excited! The energy in Illinois is palpable.

Don't worry. And so are enemies. Enemies all. Wait, we have to defeat all of them? We could do it. I could take the 20 up here. I didn't ask how big the arena is, I said I cast Fireball. As you cast Fireball,

the bead of arcane flame ejects from your fingers and curls into a strange circular motion before you. Before it evaporates, ineffectually and dispelled. Oh my god, it doesn't do anything. It happens to Vord sometimes, too. That normally never happens. Oh my god, it doesn't do anything. It happens to Fjord sometimes, too. That normally never happens. About that time, you notice, in the pattern that your flames are extinguished,

you see the emcee's finger swirl and snuff it. Oh! They all say that. No, no, feel free to do whatever you like. It's only more entertainment for our friends. But if you'd't dodge me, I'd love to play a few games with you And maybe if you do well, you can find your way out of this place. Maybe maybe maybe Okay Too quickly if this is what it looks like there's got to be a prize

There's got to be something. Make it worth our while. Very good point. Thank you. Think of something you value more than anything. Perhaps your life. Ayo. Eh. We'll see what we can do later on in the show.

Ay. Concession stands opened at intermission. All right. I've already got one. Are you ready, Murty? Oh, I'm always ready, boss. What do you say we play the very first game? Oh, gods. I'll give you the title, and Murty will lay it out for you.

Our first game is Burst Your Bubble. A fine test of strength around the realm to see just how mighty some of you cats are. We have on this side the red team, this side the blue team, and you are Oh, Caleb! against each other for the remainder of this game. Wait, what?

He's so huge, though. Also, why are there only three of them? I can tell you for a fact that this is outbalanced. I don't know about that. We're going to be okay. We never promised balance. We never promised fairness. We just promised

entertainment. So, each side, choose someone to represent your strongest person. And I'd like you to make a strength check. I think it's just a strength check. I mean, I can't wait. We're doing strength check? I think I am the strongest. Do I get advantage of rage?

Are we going to do this? No. The fight! I have faith. Wait, so we're all rolling? Yeah. Whoever is going to be helming this. Oh, not I. Caleb suddenly turns into a giant orange,

amber-colored ape. Are you thanking for me? I can do this. Yes. But we don't even know what it is. I don't know what it is, actually. What are we doing? We're having a great time.

What are you doing? You're so strong. I really want to see what you can do. I believe in you. Ah. Beth. Oh, hello, little ape. Take the first one for the team.

Little ape? We're counting on you. All right. Sure. I don't know. It's like putting a rabbit into a cave. Did you roll yet? I rolled.

Wait, are you the strongest, Ferb? No, I don't think so. I think the monkey is. That's a 13 for me. Nine for me. 16 for me. Wait, are we all rolling? What's happening? No, only one person on each team is supposed to roll.

Oh, here you go. Oh. Wait, who's this? It looks like they picked on their side a little outside of the rules. That might be a penalty later. Wait, wait, no, no, no. It's fine. You've chosen the monkey. Okay.

He's bursting bubbles on your side. Oh. And Veth Granado, would you roll? I did. I rolled a nine. Perfect. Oh, nice! We could have our stage great associates come in and set the scene for our- You know what that means? Toadies, bring out the props!

Props? Why are you a monkey? Why is he a monkey? He turned into a giant ape. Oh, he did? Yeah, giant ape Caleb. I couldn't figure Caleb! Wow, look at that mustache.

Caleb! Oh, thank you! This is making me a little nervous. I can see his butt crack. There we go. Now one person from each team gets to be the holder. Who's good at holding? I'm very good at holding.

I mean, I could hold. Caleb, it's me. It's me. All right. Oh god. Now because you... What? What? What's happening?

Because the monkey, Caleb, rolled so high on the strength, not the highest possible, but pretty high, you get to use the fully inflated balloons. And because you did not, you have to use the half-inflated balloons. Are these half-inflated? Both teams have 60 seconds to see who pops three balloons

by the two of you just sitting on them with your compatriots readying and holding them in the spot. And the sitter may not touch their own balloon. Only the holder can hold the balloon. They never let you touch a balloon. Okay. Don't you worry. Okay, listen to me. You need to put all of your weight on it and squish the shit out of this balloon, okay?

I'm so tiny! I know, that's what makes it so difficult. Squeeze. Catch and squeeze. I have a very bony ass. Enough strategy! You've got to sit and wiggle. Time for our very first dignified game. I'm Maxie Puck.

Worthy of ten years of lore and storytelling. All right, all right, all right. Murty, are you ready with the timer? Always ready, boss. On your mark. With me. Get set. Drop that ass!

Come on! That's mine! Harder! Come on, come on! That's one! Go, go! Harder! Come on! Come on! Come on! Come on!

Come on! Keep going! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! You got one, three!

If you can get the other two before time is up, you'll get a bonus. Don't quit! Don't quit! Keep going! Shoot for three! Go! Yes! Will they have time for the fun one more? This is better than I ever thought it would be. Three! Go, go, go, go, go, go!

This is just bonus. This is just showing off now. Go, go, go! Squeeze that ass! Stand again! off now. Go, go, go! Hey! Yes! Squeeze that ass! No, no, no! No! Stand in it! No! No! No!

Get away! Get away! Get away! Brr! Last 10 seconds. Here we go, yes! We're out of balloons! We're out of balloons.

Two, one. Do they have any more? Let's take them. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. My god. That was exhausting.

60 seconds is a lot longer than we thought it was. Would you believe we've never rehearsed this? I'm exhausted. I'm just tired that we weren't even doing the popping. It's improv, ladies and gentlemen. What was the final score, Murty, do you recall? It was a bit chaotic there, boss. What, you can't do math? No, but the best I can ascertain,

the monkey had the edge. What? Yes, the monkey did. The monkey did. It's gone. It's true. And you're docked for cheating by removing the chair. Thank you.

Thank you to you, sir. I don't even get to roll a sleight of hand to see if you saw that? You know what, I'll allow it. You've never heard the fable of Air Bud? If it's not in the, if it doesn't say it, then I'm. I'm sorry. 32!

32? Boss, I'm going to be honest. It looks like they somehow got rid of their chair halfway through the performance, and it put them on a bad path, so I'm going to have to give it to Red Team. Oh! Oh. Murty, Murty, you've always been my favorite ruler. Cheating pays off! Yes, it does. Oh, is this the game we're playing? Yeah, yeah. So cheating will get you ahead? My favorite rule. Cheating pays off! Yes, it does.

Oh, is this the game we're playing? Yeah, yeah. So cheating will get you ahead? Uh-huh. That's part of the rules. Let's go. Murdy, tell them what they don't win. Oh, well, friends, the victorious, they get to gloat,

while the losers, well, in this realm, they get punished. I love punishment. You watch as Malvolio's hand begins to draw a massive, glowing, infernal flame that suddenly engulfs all three of you in horrible, scarring hellfire. All three of you can help it scream in resonating pain as the entire blue team takes...

Now I feel bad. Oh no. Oh no, you feel bad. Just a little. 21 points of fire. Jesus, we're fucking cheating, you little piece of shit! No! Wait, wait, wait!

Are we splitting that between us? Each. Each? How much? 21. What's the game called, Miss Calloway? Burst your pop, pop your bubble, pop your cherry, pop the bubbles. I forgot. Team, team, team, blue team, huddle up, huddle up, huddle up. Listen, listen, listen. You're down a place with a bit of a disadvantage, and I was very sad to see you lose the

last round. Yes, that sucks, but we actually. Yes, we've noticed. And I was very sad to see you lose the last round. Yes, that sucks. But we actually really won, but that's okay. I'm going to tell you something. They can't hear us from here, all right? Uh-oh. Now, I have shut down your magical abilities for the most part, but for the next few moments, say the next few minutes,

I'll allow you to cast a spell or two that could help each other out or hurt the other team. Now, don't hurt me. Oh, please, don't hurt me, oh please, don't hurt me. Wait, wait. Wait, I have a question. Huddle up. Do you have magic? I do. You don't, you're just

a loser. Nope, nothing. Hey, can you turn back into a person? Okay, do you have magic? A little bit, yes. Because we can take some shots at them. Are you powerful? Are you strong? What can you do? You got shots?

I've only seen a little bit of what you can do. Well, I don't want to kill any of them, I think. Let's not be too hasty. Killing is good. Do we all take a turn? The last game was a game of strength and This game will be a game of remind me what comes after strength You've got it right you're also smart clap for yourselves yay Yeah

We call this next game The Traveler's Blessing Oh my god Wait, are you friends with him? Does that make so much sense? The Traveler, he and I are just besties Wait a minute, he's never Wait, what is your name? MC?

I've never heard Wait a minute I would never fib to you, Jester Is this the theater that he hates so much? That's a deep cut in lore beyond my paycheck. This game is called The Traveler's Blessing. Toadies, please bring out the props. I want to do it. I volunteer as tribute.

Just wait, Jester. Oh, my heavens. I've had this nightmare before. Now, are we supposed to sit on this? I'm unsure. Oh, my God. The sacred statue of the Traveler. Not to be mistaken with anything else. I like it.

If your Traveler looks like that, you've got bigger problems than this. Fill him in, baby. How's this game work? So each team chooses one person to be the channel of the Traveler's Blessing. I am the Traveler's channel. Give it to me. While two other members of the team get to try and toss rings atop it from a distance.

Two other members? Okay, I'm going to put this on. Who team? Of two. Okay. Okay. So who's next? You have the clue.

Yep. It's dexterity-based, right? Oh, we got a rule. I'm very dexy. I'm pretty dexy myself. I mean, I'm the queen of dex, but I just went, so you guys go. Should we hold it?

I think we should hold it. No, you're in this, too. I just went. Oh, well, that's fine. Well, then it's me and you. Yeah, I was just going to do it. Oh my god, just do it! Fine!

One person, one person! Oh, okay, Boulder, Birchwood Shooters. There's two people. It's both of them. I need two of you to roll dexterity. All right. Okay. And your two chosen over there,

roll your dexterity. Yep, that's good. That's good. What you got? Natural 20. Yep, that's good. What you got? Natural 20. Yeah, baby! Mr. Wintergrass. Gorg, gorg, gorg, gorg, gorg, gorg!

It's a nine for me. All right, you two folks over here, roll your dexterity checks. 18. And 23. Oh shit. I would like the natural 20 and the 23 to roll these for me, right? Oh shit. What? Let's go, Abs.

12. 19. Oh shit. What? Let's go, Abs. 12. 19. Oh! All right. And so... Yeah, these motherfuckers over here. As Grog begins to rise from his seat,

I throw a bit of licorice into my mouth and pat him on the ass and cast haste. Ooh! Okay. I think I just got my butt grabbed. Veth. What? Do you two have anything that can soup us up?

To soup you up? Here, here's some alcohol. Oh, that's great, that's great, thank you. Now, could we please get the places of the various planes? Yep. Eight. Come over here. Let's travel as chosen.

The two of you who rolled have a choice to make. Okay. You can choose between these rings. The large rings are worth one. And these... You look so good in this. ...are worth ten. Ten?! Yeah, I like ten. It's crazy that we both have dicks on our heads.

I know. It's so cute. It looks so cute with dicks. Yeah, I love it. I really actually like this outfit. Yeah, I'll do the big ones, too. It looks awesome. Big ones for each. Just to try something.

Would you divvy those up? I actually kind of like this. Now, because you rolled higher, and because you have your haste on, you get 30 rings to throw on your side. Wow! Whoa! Your side only gets 20, but you can choose any of the small rings, if you like, to replace.

You've got the small, you can do it! I cast Guidance. Oh shit. I get Guidance? I do too, I do too. I cast Guidance. No, you didn't touch him, you didn't touch him. Hey, you big lug over there! Okay. I know, but I touched him earlier with my finger. It doesn't matter, you didn't say it when you did it. Well, Chester.

Furn. Okay. No. Stay over here. I'm going to stay right here. Hey, what's the thing on your helmet, by the way? It's the Traveler. It's a Traveler? It's a dick.

Do you have a god? Listen, most of them disappear. He didn't. You should totally still watch them. He's the coolest. Not wrong. Grog, listen to me. What? You should be still watch him. He's the coolest. Not wrong. Grog, listen to me. You should be nimble with this, right? You're going to get those circles right on his dick, okay? What am I trying to do? I'm going to get these on your Traveler dick.

All right, come back this way. It's clearly just a statue. Yeah, like that. Don't take it off. Okay. All right, Granpuba, you can do this. These things are pretty small, so you should have no problem. Oh shit! Hold on, I probably broke my helmet. I'll hold it! Yeah, I'm going to hold it.

It's time for a test of dexterity. This is exactly what you came here for, is it not? Ah, screw it! You'll take your turns one at a time. Help us count them out. If they get a ringer on that dinger, let the games begin. Ladies first. Oh my god. Are we going one at a time here?

Come on, come on, come on. You've got this Ladies first. Oh my god. Are we going one at a time here? Come on, come on, come on. You got this, Beau. Oh! You went too low. Okay, I went too low. Come on, Jessica! It's okay.

It's okay, it's okay. The old in and out. The old in and out. Oh, too far. You went high. Okay, okay, I'm sorry, too high. I'm gonna go lower. I know you're not used to these things. Okay, I'm going to stay. I'm going to do this.

Yeah! Roll burn! Wait, wait, wait! I felt really good. Deflect missiles! No. Can I do that? You're the one throwing it. It's not really deflecting.

Okay. No! Arc it more! Arc it! Shut up! You're the one throwing it. It's not really deflecting. Okay. No! No! Arc it more! Arc it! Just arc it! Let's go, Miss Calloway! Arc it! Work that dick!

Okay, okay. No! Arc it! Go arc! Yes! Yes! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Oh! Did I pop? No, no, no.

Little love. I cast Blood Curse of the Eyeless on the big one. All right, I need you to take three steps back, Travis. No, I cast Enhance Ability. On? Wait, you have to touch him. You have to touch him to do this. Ah!

I cast Enhance Ability. You have to touch him! You have to touch him to do this. Ah! I guess it has ability. And I do the one, dexterity ability. Do you have that prepared? Yeah, I do. Are you sure? I'm positive. Okay. Or he's hurt. That's so much more than three steps!

Interesting point of order. Haste lasts how long? A minute. Haste has now faded, so you are stunned. So you drop two rings. That's all right, that's all right, that's all right. But now you get to step back up to where you were and continue. I don't want to.

Okay. Who's up? I respect that. All right. All right, let's go. We lose the arena at midnight. I don't want to. Okay. Who's up? I respect that. All right, let's go! We lose the arena at midnight! Oh, Jesus! I mean, who's that? Traveler, guide!

Yes! Let's go! Okay, okay, okay. Come on, both! Oh Pop pop pop pop Just the tip! Oh! Oh! Some of these are painful. Some of these are painful. These are painful? Come on, Grog, get your head in the game!

Eye contact, eye contact. It's just like Traveler Con. Hey! Why? Why? Why every time? We just need a little competition. I fear time! I know!

All right, all right, all right, all right. Oh, what drama this is. Don't forget, if you want to exchange any of your rings for the smaller ones for bonus points, it's always available. Get out of here for that. No. Those are way too small.

Come on, Beau, we're waiting on you. They're so small. Let's go, Groggory! Ooh! Yes! Oh, fuck, that was way off. That was way off. Beau! That's where shit's in giggles. Let's see what happens.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I believe in you. I don't. Matt. I can't even lie. Step of the Wind to give me some sort of speed and clarity. Step of the Wind? You can spend a ki point, the Step of the Wind,

to throw mid-leap, and you can throw that ring from half the distance. All right. It's teeny weeny. It's a teeny weeny. Yep, right there. Step of the Wind. Step of the Wind. This is, there's no. Yep, right there. Step in the wind. Step in the wind.

There's no way, this is stupid. Why did I do this? I believe in you. I don't know why they're, okay, okay, okay. Holy shit. Chant. Oh! Oh, so close.

Ugh. Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh! Again! Oh! Come on.

He's locked in! Oh! Oh! Oh! I Gu. He's locked in! I Guiding Bolt Grog! Grog, what level do you cast Guiding Bolt? Grog. Oh, he's got legs. Jester, what level do you cast Guiding Bolt? Second level. Grog, you take he's got lightning. Jester, what level do you cast Guiding Bolt? Second level. Grog, you take...

I'm sorry, I got caught up in the moment. Eight points of radiant damage and are shining brighter than the dawn sun as you throw this at Jester. I'm ready. Oh! It was close, it was close. That was great. That was good.

Give it up for Exandria's favorite god, the Traveler. Come here and present the Traveler horns. Let me see, let me see. All right. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Lucky number seven. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven. Lucky number seven! One, two, three, four, five. Oh my. What a shame.

I'm not so good with numbers, but I think it's close. Merry? Yeah, it's good. Tell them what they've lost. Well, friends, unfortunately, you're on the lower end of this competition. You gave it your all, you had good team unity, and that's respectable. But MC's got to punish you, sorry.

Don't do it. I know, I like you the best. Everyone, we're having so much fun, please. We'll be best friends. Why are you going to hurt us? We'll be best friends? Yeah. Wait, wait, stop, stop much fun, please! We'll be best friends! Why are you going to hurt us? We'll be best friends? Yeah! Wait, wait, stop, stop, please, please.

I've never had a friend that I wouldn't love. Look, and see, listen. Yes? I'm getting married in a few months. Oh, I'm so happy for you. Thank you. Yes. And, um, I don't have a maid of honor yet. Audience. It sounds like the audience loves this idea.

Have you ever worn pink? I think you would look so good in it. I would be honored, and I'm going to cast the nastiest spell I have in my hand. You watch as an endless black void of spite burns from a seamless source and tears through Jester's body, sparking out backwards after it builds up inside and impacting like a shockwave across the rest of your team. Jester, you take...

That's really cruel. I was serious. You keep asking people to do that for you. It's getting ridiculous. I thought I was going to be a main one. We're literally all here, Jester. We can hear you. Jester, you take 38 points of necrotic damage. Whoa! Sir, that was rude. We're really old here, Jester. We can hear you. Jester, you take 38 points of necrotic damage. Whoa! Sure, that was rude.

And the rest of your team takes half that. Oh. I tanked it for you, though. For 19. 19. Oh no. I was just kidding. I love you guys. You're both my made-up. No, you're not, because you're Fjord's best man, aren't you?

Toadies! So sad, but it's true. Please come remove the props. They're statues with cloaks on them. Just wanted to clarify. Are you Cody? All right, everyone. Cody, I need to clean it. I'm so sad.

That was pretty fun. We're moving the night along a little bit. You were so good at the last one. Why don't you help me with this one? What comes after dexterity? I want dexterity! Wrong! Intelligence! Next fucking game! This will be a test of your smarts, your know-how, your book learned-ness. Oh, great. Murdy, tell them how this one unfolds. Indeed.

So for each team, three of your players, I need you to all make intelligence checks for me. Three? Okay. Yes. Sure. Are you smart? Crack, crack, crack, crack, crack. Okay. How smart are you guys? I won't let you down. I let you down.

My blow? Starting with Team Blue, what do we got? Negative two modifier for a 17. What the hell are you rolling? Why is he rolling so well? Listen. Give me my die back. Well, I will tell you, but before I do, first I take out a little read and I'm into it last person

All the way to the left in this part of the audience and say listen I need you to leave to the back door and find the rest of the mighty nine We need them the fate of everything relies on you. You may reply to this message and some chocolate if you find some good, okay It's a 27 for me And Fern? Let's see, I have a negative one, and I rolled a five, so four. Perfect.

Which three of you will be competing in this trivia? Who? I rolled a 21. All right, Beau, a 21. You want me to do it, or you do it? I'll do it. I'll do it. I rolled a 10. Oh, I rolled a 22.

All right, and with that, we got a... Bloody hell. I don't think I've met you before. No, and I've got to say, you're irritating and very attractive, and it's confusing me quite a bit. Oh, really? Yes. So, boss. Hi.

Each of you will be asked a question. It's up to you to answer. Based on how well you rolled, it might adjust the difficulty in the options you have at your disposal. The team with the most correct answers at the end avoids punishment. Are we allowed to phone a friend?

What does that mean? I mean, like, if we don't know the answer, can we talk it out? I tried that, but they're not responding to the message. I hope you have yourselves ready for a game, friends. Sure. Malvolio, why don't you take this away? Who doesn't love a little bit of trivia, huh? I don't.

I'm really not a fan. Yes. And who doesn't know all of the deep, rich Exandrian lore before us? I don't. I don't remember what I had for breakfast. Definitely not the cast of Critical Role. Sorry, Danny. Sorry, Danny. Sorry, Danny.

Who is this Danny you speak of? Priestess of the Knowing Mistress. First question, why not you, big guy? Me? Yes, you. Handsome, strong, clearly smart. You will have 30 seconds to answer each of these questions. Oh.

And since you did so well, I might give you a little multiple choice. Oh, thank the gods. Wait, does that mean there's multiple... Oh, wait, I'm already lost. This is going to be great. Which of these celestial forces does the Matron of Raven hold dominion over? I know that guy. Fate and masks.

Death and undead. Winter and fate. Arcana and sadness. Death and undead. Your answer was death and undeath? Isn't that what you said? Yes. Is that even a word, undeath?

It is now. Yes. And the answer is, would you read that for me, Merti? The answer is winter and fate. You are incorrect. Wait a minute. I thought that Maitre'en was about death. Not on death. Sort of the opposite, really.

She has a bit of a problem, I read. That just sounds like a branding error to me. Well, no wonder she's not here anymore. She's so stupid. The answer was winter and fate. Winter? And death's in there, too. It's a tricky question.

You did good, boy, but that's one negative point for you. Oh. 30. 30. We're going to win this. Maybe it's like golf, the learning. You're a member of the Cobalt Soul. You know everything. Yeah, but I'm under pressure.

You're going to be so good at this. You're going to kill it. They can't hear us. I have two quick questions. They're doing a little better than I thought they would, and it's making me a little bit nervous, if you know what I mean. You've had more experience at this than I. Am I doing okay? Am I all right? You're doing fine. Just, you know, stick to the script. Make sure you put it on hard.

Make them fearful so that they don't get angry. Okay. Yeah, yeah, you're doing great. And my last question is, if I say, is that your final answer again, will we get sued? Is that your definitive response? I love the workaround! Next question!

Wait, Matt, were we able to hear any of that that was going on just then? Make a perception check for me. Okay. Little, little, little, little, little, little, little, little. 20! Yeah, you heard a little bit of that. Okay. All right.

Up next, for the red team. Come on, Beau. Beau. You got it, Beau, you got it! You did well as well. You can do this, Beauregard. You know everything. Thank you, Kym.

You suck, Beau. Thank you, Grog. D'oh! What the fuck? What was that? The massive body of water that exists between Issylra and Tal'Dorei is known as what? Okay, okay. What is it, Caleb?

If you would like no multiple choices, I will give you two points if you answer correctly You've got this I'm pretty sure I know this you got this but I really only know one ocean Would you like the multiple choice or no it might just confuse me So I'm gonna say the Lucidian Ocean. Is that your definitive answer? That is my definitive response. It is. One, two, three.

Who's count? Who's that? Every time. Incorrect. What? Oh, no. The answer is the Osmite Sea. What? Oh no! The answer is the Osmit Seed. What?

The Osmit. I should have known that. I knew it. I thought it was a seed. And unfortunately, since you have no questions or answers, you get negative two points. What? My game, my rules. That's how the boss works. He talks like he's compensating for something.

Quite a bit, actually. I don't know what you're talking about. My horns are huge. Yeah, MC, are you a minotaur by any chance? GM, what kind of look is Veth giving me right now? Veth, what look are you... Yeah, that look. Stop. It's the only look he has.

It's just one, and it's up. It never works for you, Veth. Try another method. Okay. That's... Yes, I am! I am not. Up next, Caleb. You got this, Caleb. You rolled particularly well.

Keen mind, don't fail me now. Guidance. He's already rolled, but I love the end. Cue the music, Maddy! The mythical dragon Devosa, protector of Ank'Harel, is storied to be what color? With a 27, you will get the multiple choice. Brass, gold, platinum, silver.

Take your time. Don't rush it. If you have to touch yourself, that's okay. I do it when I get nervous. Let nervous let a little two out you'll be fine I forgot the colors already, but you got this Speak that weird language you talk I have a definitive response The answer is all about that brass Audience was that correct You are correct as well! ROG!

ROG dislocates Caleb's arm. I was literally born yesterday. Caleb, I can help you. Just come over here. No, no, no. I was literally born yesterday. I can't get past with that. Caleb, I can help you. Just come over here. No, no, no. Blue team better than red team. To be fair, they have been beating us on everything. We have four people. What the fuck? There's two games that have happened, and we have won.

We actually made up a song. It's called Blue is Cool and that's the rule. I'd rather be dead than you. While I am sad to not be with my compatriots, I feel that our strength is in our diversity. I have donuts. Who wants one? I'll take a donut. I'll take a donut. Next question for the red team and Kingsley. You didn't roll so well, so your question's

going to be a little bit harder, but I will give you the multiple choice. What creature is emblazoned on the crest, the crest? What creature is emblazoned on the crest of the Dwindalian Empire? You said the multiple choice, well get on with it. An owl, a wolf, a hawk, or a lion. Do you know? What creature is emblazoned on the crest of the Dwindalian Empire?

An owl, a wolf, a hawk, or a lion. I think, if I remembered correctly, it's an animal that means when this gets towards the end, I'm going to make sure that you fucking die at the end of my sword. Ten seconds remaining. You in particular, your bloody friend, you're not going to survive this.

And I think it's a wolf. Four, three. All that bravado and such a weak libido. The answer is an owl! Owl. We're going to get hurt again. My god. It's okay.

Caleb, have pity on me. I'm a mother. Do you want me to cast Banish on you right now and send you home? No, because as bad as we're doing, I think we'll do worse without me. That is a fair point. Carry on! You can reply to this message. Something catches Malvolio's eye in the moment between games. And in his own dimension, he slowly and quickly looks back over the last ten seconds

to what Kingsley said to him about hurting him, about taking his power, about killing him, and he tries to remind himself of the audience's reaction. Kingsley, what did you say to me again? Before this is over, I'm going to make sure that you meet my sword. And what did the audience sound like after he said those words? I think that they think I'm hot. And what did the audience sound like after he said those words? I think that they think I'm hot, and you're not. If you were perceptive, you would see one tiny sequin fall off of my jacket.

Next question! His ego is his weakness. Up next, we have Fern. Fern, you look delightful. Yes, I am a professor, so I probably will actually know the answer to what you're going to be asking me. Yeah, Professor Princess. Oh, my God. This question's going to be asking me. Yeah, Professor Princess. Oh my god.

This question's going to be somewhat more difficult. Mythboro is the layer. That is. You're cooked already. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, all right. Okay, I'm going to know the answer. Mythboro is the layer of which dragon? What? answer. Mythboro is the lair of which dragon?

What? Okay. Mythboro? And I don't get multiple choice because I rolled bad, right? I just get to guess. May I? What do you think, Merlin?

May I? Give me your input on this one. Yeah, give him multiple choice. She seems nice enough. I kind of lost it. Okay. Yeah, give me a multiple choice. Rhymefang.

Gelidon. Great, great. Help me with that one. My glasses are a little bit... Vorugal. Vorugal, that's right. And one more? Raishan. Your time begins now.

Listen, can I cast Light of Hand and look at the answer? Are you going to get up from your chair to do so? Yeah. I'll do it. Make a sleight of hand check. Okay. Dirty 20. Make a perception check. Perception check.

Ten seconds remaining. That's bad. Oh, that's bad perception. Five, four, three, two, one. You glance quickly from the edge of the table over and get one quick look at the card. Do I see her doing this? Yes. And I'm mean.

I'm going to cast Phantasmal force. And make her see, if it works, and make her see the word Thordak. Let's go, bitch. Fearne, I need you to make an intelligent saving throw, I believe, right? Come on! Fuck! It's a damn six.

It says Thordak. Does Fern remember that Thordak was not spoken aloud 30 seconds ago? Do you? Yes. Then what's your answer? My answer is what I saw on the card when I rolled my perfect sleight of hand to see the answer. The answer said Thordak. The answer said Thordak?

Yeah. Rhymefang, Galadon, Voragol. Well, I have to go Thordak. Ryshawn. Five, four. I was going to say, I was going to say. Thordak. Right, Sean. Five, four. I was going to say... Thordak. Right, I saw it, plain as day.

It was so huge on the paper. Unfortunately, that's incorrect. The answer is Galadon. Oh shit. I'm so sorry. All right. I see how we're playing, bitch. Now, boss, that was an answer that was not even given

as part of the multiple choice. Oh, you're right. It's pretty out left. How did that happen? Yeah. Maybe you're a professor, maybe did you just remember the correct answer? Were they trying to trick you, maybe?

Maybe they were. Maybe the question's wrong. Maybe Grog's dumb is spreading. Wouldn't be the first time something I've had is spreading. I message Veth and say, you are not allowed to use the tower for your date nights for six months.

But it's got that swing we like. Yeah. I think I broke them. There's so many other plants in the tower. Yeah, yeah. Normally the cats are just on it like it's a cat tree. They hang out all over it. They have no idea the debauchery that happens when the doors are closed. It's for pussies. I feel like the cats wouldn't know.

It's time for the final question, Red Team. You got this, Veth. Got to bring it home. The score is currently negative two to negative three. Yes. Bring us home, bring us home. Veth, I'll make you an offer with a 20. If you would like to answer this question

with no multiple choice, you may have two points assuring the win. If you would like to answer this easy question with multiple choice, it would tie the game. What would you like to do? Do we not get to hear the question first? You do not. Audience, what should I do? Stop! Not yet. You do not. Audience, what should I do?

Stop! Please, if you'd like to see them ask and go and get all of the questions as multiple choice, make some noise, multiple choice for the tie. Go big or go home. All right, I'm going big or going home. I'm going to say a little prayer to this thing that I stole off of a stagehand in the back. It's time. Let's go.

The historical era when the gods of Exandria first divided into prime and betrayer at odds with each other is known as what? You know this. You're an executive producer on both animated series. This is such an easy question. The historical era when the gods of Exandria first divided into prime and betrayer at odds with one another is known as what era? I really don't pay attention when Matt talks. You know this. All right.

Only... It rhymes with jism. I cast polymorph. Jism! Oh. Sloth. Not before I said I cast polymorph. Gizm! Sloth. Not before I said I cast Polymorph. He said rhymes with gizm.

He said it was a wisdom saving throw for that, right? Make a wisdom saving throw of that. Nah. 25. She beats it! That's right. It's time for your definitive response. Schism, bitch! Correct!

Yeah! Fuck. All right, all right. Oh, mommy. Oh my god, you're so smart. You're even smarter than Beau. I cast Intellect Fortress on myself, that's why. Really? I didn't know you could even do that kind of thing. I can't, it's a 3rd-level spell.

Moody, tell them what they've lost. Well, with the victory over here on the blue team, or the red team, I apologize, a little colorblind. Blue team over here, an unfortunate loss, and in this circumstance, you're going to have to taste a little bit of the abyss. My apologies. Watch as Malvolio lifts a hand in the air

and the ground cracks underneath, and you hear the screaming of a thousand souls, as suddenly you feel a bit of your essence torn and sent into the ground below. Ugh. Malvolio. Boo! The red team takes 21 points.

You're really not making the audience happy. Red team or the blue team? Sorry, blue team. Blue team takes 21 points of necrotic damage. Shh! Eee! Shh! Just a little gassy from the catering is all. Next game, next game.

Shut up. It's a constitution game. Mine's not feeling so well right now. This next game is called Tough Shot. So who among you is the toughest? Give me a second. Murdy, can you please explain this one? I'm not feeling so well.

Of course, of course. I would appreciate three members of each team to make a constitution check to see the order in which you will be enjoying and imbibing some substance that you're unaware of. And upon drinking it, you have to make no face for five seconds. What is it?

You guys see it. Yeah, yeah, I got it. Wait, is this Constitution? Saving throw or check? Just a check. Just a check, okay. Okay. Wait, you said this is Con-

Constitution. Oh. You know, I feel kind of bad about that last round, so even though I'm the best at drinking alcohol, I'm going to sit this one out. You are really good at it. I'm so good at it! Are the three things, is it like milk?

Your swing is off limits for 12 months. Keep it up. Without the swing, that'll be hurt. All right, so for this regard, on this side, what are the rolls? Oh no, Beau. Say it. Five. 15. 22. Five. 15.

22. Woo! Jester, Kingsley, then Beau is going to be the order. On this side. 21. 20. I think that was a seven. All righty.

Let's go. Let's go, Bish. Getting my second win. Let's speed this along. I'm ready for intermission. Toadies, bring it out. Whoever rolled the best, come see me. Come, come. That would be Jester and Grog. Please come sit here at the table. Hi, Grog! Hi! You are super nice to meet you.

Hi. It feels really cool to be at this table now. Should we sit down? On the other side, you can sit if you'd like, but if you could stand at this corner, it would be even better. Oh, you don't want me to sit down where you've been sitting? Yes, yes, that's perfect. Yes, you're on the show. Sorry, I'm not quite feeling mine. Are you okay? Just fine. Have a seat. You look a little ill.

Yeah, well, you look a little blue. I'm always blue. Oh, that's a little hard. Oh, thank you very much, fine sir. What is happening? A beautiful couple. I'm suddenly very nervous. Oh.

Why do they look so weird? nervous. Oh. Why do they look so weird? Hi. Hi. Nice to see you. Nice to see you. Are you two feeling confident? Yeah. Good. What'd you say? Are you feeling confident?

Confi- Confident, proud of yourself. Strong. Yes, strong. You're first to go. Me? Don't worry. This won't be so bad. Murdy, tell them what they're first to go. Don't worry, this won't be so bad. Murdy, tell them what they're having this evening.

Oh, well, this here, you know, let's keep it a mystery. I love a good... Let them discover the flavor as it hits the pound. Do we do it all at once, or...? We're going to count them down. Three, two, one, and then we start. The goal here is to make no face whatsoever, good or bad. Are you ready at the same time?

On the count of three. Here we go. Three, two, one! SAM and LAURA SAM and LAURA SAM and LAURA Looks like two points for each team, one to the other. Give it up for our contestants. Excellent, excellent. The first shot was simply a...

That, my friend, was a... It's not written on my sheet here. Could I have more if you find any? Grog, what did it taste like to you? Oh, booze. Yeah. It tasted like sugary booze. I'm pretty sure it was just a birthday cake shot, so we're good to go.

We're just loosening up for the second half. This will surely be as pleasant. Round two, get your ass up here. Let's go. Caleb, Kingsley. Two to table. Chop chop. Come on. Red team. Oh. Swagger. Does it occur to you that maybe we're paying a little too much attention to beating each other and not the actual problem?

Lock it up! That's the lemon juice! These are cement mixers! Get after it! Go! Three, two, one! Full of tears. Don't make a face, Kingsley! Stop it! Another two points, one for each team! Fuck! Good job, Caleb. Good job, Caleb. You did great. It's not working out for you, is it, MC? You're failing! Yeah, did you work really hard on this or something? Because I feel bad for you. Yes, look at the production value. It's a lot. That was a shit shot.

Last one, get up here. This one won't be easy, I promise. Are you used to having strange liquids in your mouth? Yes, I am. Toadies. Oh, you've already poured it. Well, this is a local favorite from the great land of... Illinois. I know where this is. On the count of three,

we will prepare to pray to the porcelain gods. And I will say, as part of this... I get to stand. You got to swish before you swallow. Swish before you swallow? Oh, yeah. Have you ever had this before? No faces. I'm so excited. Why are you all standing like you're excited to see what this is? I want a better view. What is this? Can I smell it? No. Fuck. On the count of zero, we'll say three, two,'re excited to see what this is? I want a better view. Can I smell it? No.

Fuck. On the count of zero, we'll say three, two, one. You know what it is. Okay. Three, two, one! Go, Beau! Go. Beau! Whoa! Here I see you!

Whoa! Whoa! Oh, boy. Impressive. Someone loves Illinois, I see. Wow! That was a good one. Fine, fine, go back to your seat. We're all tied up.

What was it? It feels like liquid fire. Like fire? Yeah, I don't know. What was that? What the fuck is happening? You're supposed to make a face! We're trying our best here,

but they're a little... Fucking your best isn't good enough! They're a little tougher than I expected, okay? Tommies! Bring me another shot! You guys, do you need some guidance or something? I don't need anything from you. You need a bloody mixologist. You think you're so fucking good.

We are. Such proud heroes and spies. You think you're so fucking special. Who hurt you, you weirdos? Pick someone from the three and four of you. Anyone. I don't care. I don't know three and four of you. Anyone. I don't care. You haven't gone yet, though.

Vess should go. Vess should go. Okay. Step up. Do not make a face, Vess. You fuck this up, woman, I will. It's tied. Oh, Ashley's back up?

Yeah. This one's worth a thousand points. I don't care anymore. Nobody's had more shit in their mouth than Veth. This is tequila. This is hot sauce. And in my neck of the woods. Holy shit. Don't you fuck this up, Veth. We call this a prairie fire. I'm not good at this!

Why did you say yes to it then? Prairie fire? Now you see why he's the boss? Respect. Respect to you. What's your name? Muccavalley. What did you say your name was? You want to tag out? There's no tagging out! You want to tag out?

I'm going to lose! No, you're not. Hot? Are you want to tag out? Tag out? There's no tagging out! Do you want to tag out? I'm going to lose! No, you're not. Hot? Are you good with spicy? It's too late, friend. No, you have to stay. Just fine. You'll be fine. Get it together!

Pucker your assholes out. That's so red! I put a little extra in for you. Suck it up, Sockermom. Come on, come on. I put a little extra in for you Suck it up sucker mom. Come on Three two one Oh Oh shit. Whoa! Was it? Congratulations, you both win. I'm so happy for you.

It's great, you've also all made a mess of my DM screen. Oh no, it really did get messed up. It feels like my interior of my body feels like it's on fire. I kind of want to try it, though. I'm going to have a hot shit tonight. All right, we've got to move this along. You're a shard acting up, or you're going to shard.

What's that? I'm in a shard, for sure. What's going on? Yes, yes, I hear you, I hear you. Who is he talking to? He's getting a call. Jesus Christ, another stage manager in my ear. Up next, second toto-last game, Wisdom!

Wisdom, Wisdom, Wisdom! Toadies, bring out the props! Do you want to paint, or should I paint? I'm smart. You're also a good painter. Pick one person from each team. You're the best one. One person? To draw.

I have good wisdom. The second-to-last game is called Intuitive Drawing. Jester, you've got this! Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. I believe in you. I'm a really good artist. I'm so, like, I'm burping all the time. You're also dealing with that.

Oh my god! Is this a saving throw or a check? Not me. Merida, could you give him the run-down? So, both of you choose one person from your team. Sorry, guys. I'm going to have you roll a wisdom check. Based on what you roll,

you'll be given a prompt from me, quietly. And you have to draw it while blindfolded. You'll have 30 seconds for your team to try and guess it, and if they fail to do so in 30 seconds, the opposing team has a chance to steal the points. We're going to do two rounds each team and see who wins. How are you going to whisper

with a microphone in your mouth? I got waves. Okay. All right. Who's drawing and who's guessing? Everyone else is guessing. Who's drawing? He's drawing.

Jester. What? I'm drawing. You's drawing? He's drawing? Jester! What? I'm drawing. You're drawing. You're the artist. Jester and Caleb. I'd like you both. Caleb!

Really? Get the fuck out of here. Don't go against me. Wisdom saving, or wisdom checks for me, please. I have already fucked it up. Guidance. No, you already rolled. Truly. Guidance, you rolled.

I just already rolled, never mind. Well, I have very high wisdom modifier, but I rolled a four, so it's 15. That's pretty good. Not too bad. But Guidance. No, you didn't. You got a Guidance before the roll. Oh, yeah, yeah. No, sorry.

That's a good try. I have a really high wisdom as well, but I also rolled really well, so Caleb, we tied. Rollies it is! Come on, come on! Oh no. Natural 20. Boom! Mighty Nein! Nein? Natural 20. Boom!

Mighty nine! Nine? Okay. All right, Caleb, you're up first, with an easy prompt. Look, look. Mariana. You've got this, you've got this. All right, I gotta get it close to see.

We technically should all be up there. Sorry, I'm gonna keep working on it. I know, that's what I keep saying, but then the spirit of competition. Here's the thing. But this is a little distracting. I still love you guys, and... I know, really, the indigestion is really intense. Cowards.

I might barf! Do we have the same... Only you can guess it first, but if you don't get it, the other team has an opportunity to steal. So you'll want to see this No, we're going to get it. We're going to get it. We're going to get it. All right. You got this. Oh my god.

You got this. Are you going to tell me go? Is that how this works? Yes. Huh? All right. Are you ready to start the timer? Yes. 30 seconds to draw and guess. 30 seconds. Go!

Nothingness. A bike. A cat. Batman. Got it already. Okay, great. A cat? Yeah. Great. Cat is correct!

That's it? Wow. You're up next. Congratulations. Let's all say it together, you guys. Congratulations. Congratulations. You gave Caleb a cat? That's cheating. You're right. Jester! Yeah?

You're going to get a hard one, because you lost your gold. Listen. I'm sorry. No hard feelings. I don't mind that you attacked me earlier, okay hard one, because you lost your focus. Listen. I'm sorry. No hard feelings. I don't mind that you attacked me earlier, okay? I know it's just your job. Yes? I understand.

I saw you earlier. Look, I know you're under a lot of pressure. Yes. Let's talk down here. Talk down here. Yes. Are you ready to draw something? Yeah.

Okay, come over here. Okay, let me see it. Where is it? Let me see the prop. It's just right there. There you go. Good luck. Okay. Oh wait, I forgot my marker! That would help.

No pressure. You got this, Chester. Thank you. You look really hot. You do too. Thanks. Oh god. Oh, she's a lefty. Oh, we don't get to see it until after, no?

No, until after. Understood. And don't look at the monitors, either. Hey, don't you tell us what to do. I'll tell you, I'm shitting fire right now. These magic hands are enormous. 30 seconds, count them down, Murty. Am I going?

Yes. Oh, wait. Often? No. Oh, it's a... Oh, D12! No, it's a... Oh, oh! You're not...

It's a beacon. Beacon. That is correct! It's beacon! Yeah. That's correct. That looks just like a beacon. It kind Beacon! That's correct. That looks just like a beacon. It kind of does.

It really does. You did a good job. It's kind of hit it. It's no cat. No, it is not. I don't want to tempt fate, but these games are kind of fucking easy. Why would you do that? Don't fuck.

The fuck? They're calling you easy. I know, I know. All right. I'll be fine. Next, isn't there another? How does this game work? There's more people?

Yeah, do another round on this side. Are you, boss, you okay over here? I don't know, maybe it was the m'lord. I'm okay, I'm okay. Yes, yes, let's keep going. Let's keep fucking going. Who's next? Who's drawing?

Wait, we're doing driven artists? Yes. We're doing the same artist. Okay. All right. Another easy one? No, this one's been taunting over there. Give him a high five.

Whatever you do, don't give us another cat. Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay. Caleb, look at me. Look at me. Tell me through your mind, okay, what it is. Sit down, boy, I'm about to start the timer.

Got it. Okay. Say it one more time in your mind. Yeah. As I sit down, I cast Haste on myself. Unfortunately, that window of casting spells on yourself has faded. Oh, well I'll save that slot then. Let's go, Grog.

Start the timer. All right. We're going? It's a circle, it's the moon. It's ruidous. It is a mad... Vampire. A vampire. That's really good. He was a bloody creature.

That's really good. That's a vampire. It's a vampire. That's a vampire. To be fair, Vox Machina fought a lot of those. We are the same. We are both artists. Caleb, you're so talented! I'm so proud of you! Don't fraternize with me! No, no, I learned it by watching you!

Good job, Caleb. I've been giving him lessons. When you hugged him, did you pick his pocket? What? When you hugged him, did you pick his pocket? Yeah. What's going on over here with this guy? Jester, come here. We're friends right here.

Are you okay? Yeah, come on. We'll be fine. Come here. Let me guess in the blind. The sun. I need to heal you. You know I have healing.

No, it's not like that. What can I give you to fuck this up on purpose? Can I give you anything? I've got money. I've got friends in high places. Just draw a bad. Can you do a bad? Can you draw a bad?

Oh, no. Okay. I feel so sorry for you. Maybe if I don't feel sorry for you. Don't trust a man with a top hat. Draw it, draw it, draw it. Are you going to be okay! I'll be fine, I feel sorry for you. Don't trust a man with a top hat. Draw it, draw it, draw it. Are you going to be okay? I'll be fine.

Listen, are you working for somebody? I'll be fine! Whoa. I feel like it's not his choice. Jester, come sit down and prepare to draw. It's what the boss wants. Aw. Don't worry, you did so good last time.

Thank you, Grog. Oh no. I feel torn. She thought it wasn't his choice. What if he's not that bad? That's what you say about everyone! Wait, can I roll an insight check to see if he's trying to trick me? Sure, roll an insight check. see if he's trying to trick me? Sure, roll an insight check. He's got a top hat. Made of gold horns.

Of course he's trying to trick you. Lady. I rolled a 13. It's hard to tell. Jess, it hardly matters. I don't think he's going to do better or worse, depending on if you do better or worse. Okay. What's happening over here?

Don't worry, Jester. If they don't guess it, we will, and then we'll win. Yeah. You got this. This is going to be a hard one. Okay. Be cute. Go for it? Yep. It's a book?

It's a tome. It's a book of some sort? A grimoire? It's a page? It's a dick! It's a tome. No, we're not. It's a book of some sort, a grimoire. It's a page? It's a dick. It's a dick in the page. It's Traveller's Journal? No, it's, oh, bloody hell. Jester's Journal.

No, it's, ah. Caleb's Journal. Caleb's Journal? Fuck. Oh, it's the poor one. It's Smut, it's Smut. Bloody hell, what was that? You always had a round. Tusklove, is it Tusklove? Fuck.

Yes. Yes. I fucking don't know. That's a failure on this team. But the other team has a chance to steal the points. Shit. Blue team. And they already said Tusklove, right?

Oh no, I know what it is! Blue team, take a look. What is it? Oh, dog shit. I mean, I think it could be, it could be. That is my spell book. It could be Tuskloff. No. There's a dick in it.

We already said that. We said your dick in it. The answer is. It's a pamphlet, it's a pamphlet, it's a traveler pamphlet. Wait, can I get one more chance? Absolutely not. Spellbook! Blue Team takes it! Oh!

That's the spellbook! Yes! This is what I needed! Blood, vengeance, power, applause! Fuck you! And I cast... You watch, out of the anger and frustration of Malvolio, this blast of infernal spite and fire. Wait, I object! Overruled!

He's got you there! It was a good try, it was a good try. I understood that reference. Your team takes... That's pretty good for a blindfolded spell. 40 points of fire damage. I have resistance to fire. How much? 40.

So you take 20. All right. Wait, I have my Ring of Fire Resistance on! Then you also take 20. Can I attempt to evade this fire damage, Dungeon Master? Not in this realm, you don't. This is our side. I love you. That was a really good drawing, though, Caleb, wasn't it?

It was beautiful. Oh, what's that? Oh! Yes, okay, yes, go on. We're down to the last part of the first half, and it looks like they're starting to come apart at the seams. I think you're making this up. I think you're actually getting there. I really needed it.

I was feeling a little dicey in there near the back half, but it's getting better. I feel good. We've got one more game. Let's make it happen. Nothing will make them seem as foolish as this. We are going to have to make a move soon. Yes, I agree maybe we can audience

Do you love a dance-off? Hey. Yes! Marty, tell them how it goes! I would like each team to choose two dancers. What? I think you two should take it. I'm down. All right.

Right. Who's the other one? You all look different. Two dancers? Two dancers on your team. I think you two should take it. I'm down. All right. All right. Who's the other one? You all look different. Two dancers? Two dancers on your team. I only know the waltz. Who still cares about it? You're definitely a really good dancer.

I've seen you dance. Two of us. Two of us. Really, really. So many shots in the scene. So you know, this will be a 1v1 dance-off. Each dancer... Okay, yeah, you're definitely doing it.

Okay. dance off. Each dancer... Okay, yeah, you're definitely doing it. Okay. Each dancer will be surprised with their music track and have 15 seconds to bust a move. Each dancer will have two 15-second spotlights to show us what they got. One and the other. Audience applause will determine the winner of the round.

Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! Grog! They want us to die. They're going to kill us. We're going to team up and take them. Who are you dancing? Blue team. Roll a charisma check. Come on. Guidance! Guidance! Guidance? Guidance, Grog.

You got it, you got it. You're getting rolled an extra four. Guidance, d4, d4, d4. Oh, plus d4? Yeah, that'll make a difference in four. You're going first then, yeah. Okay, okay. Okay, okay, you're fine.

Grog? 19. Ugh. Okay. okay. Okay, you're fine. Grog? 19. 16. Second dancer on this side. Oh, okay, I guess that's me. Guidance. Oh, Luzuna, I don't know. And I'm going to cast Guidance on myself.

Sure thing, go for it. All right. So let's see here. Why the fuck not? Wait, what are we rolling again? I've got a plus one. You should be dripping in that. You are. I can dance. Need more of this water.

You want to dance? No, I'm fine either way. You dance. I did read that right. You got this. Ferd. Um, um, 28. Go for it. I did read that right. Okay. Yeah. You got this. All right. Fearne. 28. It hardly mattered at that point, anyway.

12. The first dance-off is between Grog and Beauregard. Please come to the front. Yes, yes, yes. Yes! Let's go. Let's go. Grog, come on, you got this. Hang on a minute. Hang on. Yes. This is tough, though.

All good. That's a rise. Real quick, real quick. Before we start, I just want to show a little bit of appreciation. Oh, thank you. I just want to like, you know. Uh-huh. Can I extract aspects from the MC with my little playful punches. You're fucking crushing it, man. I'll allow it.

Extract Aspects. Can I know his vulnerabilities? I get to pick four things, right? Well, you learn that he is immune to charm. Immune to charm. Paralyzed. Paralyzed. Let me see what else we got. Charm, paralyzed, and frightened. No resistances, no vulnerabilities. Sorry. And you also get the sense that there is a very powerful well of dark arcana within this entity.

Guys, this guy's super fucked up. He's super fucked up. He's got darkness. Okay. It's good to know. Do you want a b-boy hat? Rob? ROBBIE and SAMUEL both say, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, ROBBIE AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL,

SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, SAMUEL AND SAMUEL, That's right, throw your pride to the side and shake it like your mama gave it to you. Who's going first? Grog's up for the first 15 seconds, Beau for the second, Grog for the third, and Beau for the fourth. When we're done, we'll ask the audience which side they thought it was.

Doesn't like dancing in front of a fucking bunch of thousands of people. Yeah, right? Let's go, Chicago! That's right, Chicago! Give it up for the CEO! Let's go, let's go! Three. Let's go.

Two. Come on, bitch! One. Dance! Oh, this is great. Yes, very good. Running man. Hell yes. Yes. Great work.

Oh. Oh. Okay, okay. Wow. There we go. Solid. Solid. Pretty good.

Okay. Whoa. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my gosh. Oh, my good. Oh, okay.

Whoa! Oh, she's going for the ball. Oh! Oh! Excellent. Wow! Frog. Yay, Mo! A little louder. Yeah, I couldn't hear it.

Oh. Oh, yes. Oh, he's falling apart. He's just run. Oh, shit. Beauregard. You can tell me that he could do that. I didn't think he would bust it out. I really didn't.

Oh. Whoa! Yes! Oh, no! Oh, no! No! It has been a while since we have seen Tracy make an appearance. All right, you two, take a bow together, yes.

You're going to cheer for each of them, and Myrti will be the judge. Who thinks Grog was the winner? Oh, this is terrible. Go, go, go, go. Enough! It's out of character, but it feels bad yelling at you. Who thinks Bo was the winner? No!

No! Sorry. Murti, this is going to be a tough one, and I'm sure you've got no vested interest in who wins this or not. Not at all. But what is this if not for raising the stakes, right? So I'm going to say in this regard, it's a tie. Hey! Which means whoever dances next is the one that decides the losing team. Be gone, you're both too good. Which means whoever dances next is the one that decides the losing team.

Be gone, you're both too good. Hide my mic. You guys are so talented. For all the pieces. This was really good. I like this part. Come on, Cain, please close. I'm doing a shrpped and exploited myself. Thank you.

All we know about you is that you're a pirate? I think one of my vertebrae moved. Fearne, get on stage. Oh, really? So, because it's now tied, your friends left it all on the table. The two of you are going to decide which team wins and which team loses.

15 seconds each. I like it. I like it. We're going to start. What? Oh shit. This is so embarrassing. Really? Really? We're going to start with Kingsley this time. Okay. 15 seconds Kingsley, 15 seconds Fearne, 15 Kingsley, 15 Fearne.

Are you ready? I cast Thaumaturge. Fuck yes. What? Little dicks. Like floating all around Kingsley. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like fireworks. Let the dance off begin!

Yes. Soul stirring! What is that? What is that? Soul-stirring! I surround Fearne in dancing lights. Flash dance! I can do the worm too. I can feel their powers. I can do the worm too. Don't worry about it. Don't fucking worry about it.

Round two. Oh, come on. Oh, come on. I don't hear this. It's hard to hear. Yes. Oh, no. Oh, no.

Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, no. Oh, come on! Oh, come on. I don't hear this. It's hard to hear. Yes. No! No! Dang. I didn't hear that. That's my first mosh pit.

Yeah. I have fucking time. I was afraid I was going mean to. That's my first mosh pit! I fucking tell you. I was afraid I was gonna die! All right, dancers to the front, please. Whatever, Circus Vargas. Everyone to the front, because you all danced. Center stage, please. This is the big moment before intermission. I promise.

Hands up. That's awesome. Big bow to all the dancers. Please, your applause again. Bow, bow, yes. Yes, that's right. What is happening? Fucking clue. Please, give it up if you thought the red team won.

The dive! Please give it up if you thought the red team won Let's hear it for blue Blue. Boss, I think we gotta give it to the blue team. Pretty clear. If you'd be so kind as to take your seats. May I ask a question? I saw that. You back corner, I saw that. Is this D&D? D&D?

Dungeons and Dances. I heard it. Dungeons and Dances. I was dumb. Murty, for the final time this evening, tell them what they lost. Ah, red team. A good try, a good attempt.

But unfortunately... Does your mama love you? Great question. Mrs. Contreras is a wonderful woman. If she let you come out with that top hat, she can't love you that much. I cast Vicious Mockery, motherfucker. Ooh! Make a save on that, please.

You want me to what? To roll a dice and make a wisdom saving throw. Oh, I want to watch this. Wait, wait, wait. to roll a dice and make a wisdom saving throw. Oh, I want to watch this. Wait, wait, wait. You don't sound like Murty. Who the fuck are you? I'm a force beyond any given count. What's an 11 mean?

An 11 means you failed. Go ahead and mark that damage. That's, where is it? It's in the very back. It's not a lot. It's not a lot, but it's... What does it do? Where does it want to actually...

It's... I'm trying to see. We know our spells. See, this is D&D. Yeah. It doesn't actually do anything. It's not a lot, but it's... What does it do? Where's the one action? It's trying to see. We know our spells. See, this is D&D. Yeah. It doesn't actually say on my sheet right now.

It doesn't say on your sheet. That's all right. Roll 3D4 for me. Oh, thank you. There we are. Oh, it's hot in here. That's... It's all the dancing.

That's not right. Hold on. Where's 3D4? Where's my... Sorry. Yeah, there we are. I found them. They're hiding in here. These are not there we are. I found them. They're hiding

in here. These are not my normal dice. This is us. Six. Six points of psychic damage to Malvolio Contreras, and you feel somewhat dismayed. Just a little twinge in the side of my head. Nothing to worry about. The space is still mine. And I throw out my hand, and the studio feels like it's shrinking, getting smaller, the stage lights are getting dimmer.

I throw out the other hand, and you feel the heat of the park hands land on your face, and you think, this isn't right. This isn't what a show feels like. This isn't fun. I didn't just pop balloons with my ass and dance in front of 6,000 strangers. No, what they feel instead are the burns at the soles of their feet, and the slashes to their body and the twisting pain in their psyche.

And I feel your applause all night long, and it fills me with power and rage. You think that's going to work now? You already gave me too much, baby! Murty, throw the fucking commercial! Both teams suddenly are enveloped in a flash of black flame and find yourselves shunted to a nearby green room to think and talk amongst yourselves. And we'll return after intermission.

What? Oh! That's a wrap for part one of this podcast episode. Part two will land here this upcoming Tuesday at 5 a.m. Pacific, and we'll pick up this story right where we left off. Until next time, and we'll be back in this adventure before you know it.