D&D is For Nerds - Stories of The Greyhill Free Company III #4 Bedtime Caterpillar

Episode Date: May 7, 2022

Relax and drift off to sleep as Adam tell you a bedtime story. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Ahem. You're listening to the Sandspants Network. Home of comedy, culture, adventures, and ghosts. Previously on Stories from the Greyhill Free Company Literally just enough to put him on zero hit points. The gnoll keels over backwards and hits the dirt. Look, I'm going to give myself a little bit of a pep, and I think we need to rest.

You arrive at the Druid's Grotto. The tree is there. And when you step into the circle, you feel like a sense of peace once again. And in the daylight, you can't see the stars above you, but you can see the moon. Ray Dove kind of almost materializes out of the forest surrounding you. Are you asking to restore balance? Or are you asking to heal your conscience? Can it be both? You will need to commune with the spirit of the forest.

Right. Where do I need to go? What do I need to do? It could be many trials. This could take some time. And the cost could be great. Everyone goes into the pantry. There's enough room. And you start going through his canned section and checking dates.

I dare say this is a touch more efficient than the tally system. I will return! I didn't know he had a manservant. A strange creature hobbles its way in. It's a man of a sort. Imagine a human being, but made out of, like Frankenstein actually,

made out of various constituent parts. Torso is one unit, but then arms would be two different arms. One of them is much bigger than the other one as well, so he's got kind of like a lopsided appearance. Both of his legs are different as well. And there are like joins

where you can see stitching going on. Someone's got a hobby. Maybe his neck is also a different body. His head is maybe two different bodies stitched together. And you can see he has two different eyes, odd teeth, maybe a separate nose and ears. All of them look like they come from a different person. The creature hobbles in. It wears a threadbare pair of pants,

and it rattles up to you and with a raspy voice says, Hello me. Rightio. What a surprising fellow. You walk back to the front door. It opens the front door door and then gesturing outside where the stairs are you see it it like pulls open a little latch and there's a chute or several chutes it gestures to each chute into oh oh sorry you before he leaves as well um

isaac newton takes the takes the band. Your intelligence reverts to nine. Oh. But do you even know what you've lost? I don't. I have no idea. Oh, I was so silly. All the numbers may look different. Do I...

I didn't retain shit. Do I now know the difference between... Would you like to roll? Yeah, I just... Can I know the numbers, at least? Can I keep numbers? Probably not, I'm afraid. Can I keep the difference between letters and numbers?

I'd say yeah. Oh, yeah, that's massive for me. You know when you're looking at numbers or when you're looking at words. Oh, yeah yeah that rules i feel so much cleverer the so anyway the creature opens the that latch and you can see three chutes it points to each of them in turn landfill glass general recycling Sandfill. Glass. General recycling. Then it hobbles to the other side of the stairs, opens a separate latch, and you see a big thick chute. Green waste.

And it closes that. Find me when you're done. It hobbles back the way it came. Oh, no. He said too many things in a row. Can I look in the bins? Are they chutes? It's a chute.

You can't see where it leads. Oh, chute. I think, look, Tree Stump just puts it all in landfill because metal comes from the ground. Cows come from the ground? Yeah, they hatch. Well, they come from other cows, and the cows eat. Like, I can see every part of it.

It's a circle of ground. Yeah, every part of it is in the circle of ground. It'll just go in the landfill. And they're just cans, right? Sure. Chantel, Saren, and Yayola all give you a hand as well. Does anyone correct me? No, no one knows what else to do.

Oh. Blind leading the blind, baby. Yeah, we make quick work of that and head back inside. Did you see how much... I knew what all of them said before. Did you see? Chantel nods solemnly and puts a gentle hand on your shoulder and pats it.

It's not secret. You're not shocked by that. Okay. Still choose to jump. No. If you wish. It is a pity, she says. It was fun to watch you read.

It was fun to read, I think. If you ever want to learn, I could teach you. It won't be scary like when the words were yelling at me? Be slow? I will promise it won't be scary. Thank you. Yeah. They'll be smaller than you and below you.

Good, good, good, good. That's good. Really didn't like it when the guy came from upstairs. It was not good. I liked that he was coming down, but the up was a scary bit. She nods. Let's just hope they don't invent street signs yet. Just don't go into a city.

It's too big. Imagine a billboard. Don't imagine a billboard. That would kill him. I reckon. Tree stump learning to read and then seeing a billboard. Tree stump returns to the circle of ground. I'm done. i'm finished now the world is not safe for me anymore i have to go home um yes tree stump would like chantelle to start teaching her uh tree stump tree stump's pretty

chuffed that they've got numbers and letters separate so do you go find that creature to get more housework no didn't he say he was gonna oh no he did say okay yeah we go back inside and we'll try and find the creature without going into any of the secret rooms you're fairly confident that you can be in the bottom rooms and you see just through an archway in the kitchen there's a lounge room uh you obviously wouldn't know it as a lounge room but you see there's like a massive comfy looking sofa a roaring fireplace with with fire in it the fire kind of hovers in slightly in the middle of the fireplace as well it doesn't look like there's any obvious source of flame it's just fire or not sorry obviously there is a sort there's flames what i mean is there is nothing that the fire

appears to be burning it's just there is a fire in the fireplace yeah if the vibes are good tree stumps in there yeah it's a cozy looking sort of room there's a lot of like soft or plush armchairs as well there's a reading or smoking area maybe like a conversation area you could see also in a separate part a dining table of sorts complete with chairs and probably laid out with cutlery and whatnot the creature is walking around that dining table and is laying out plates and cutlery. Hello. Finished. Yes, we did a good job, I think. It nods. It wanders over to a cupboard, opens it up, and starts taking out things. It takes out a feather duster, hands that to Yayola, and says,

Dusting, please. It takes a broom, offers that to Chantel, and says, Sweeping, please. and says, sweeping, please. It hands a little glass bottle of liquid and a rag to Sarin and says, polishing, please. And then to you, it says, follow me. I got the fun job. It hobbles its way into another one of the bottom rooms you walk in and you see a bathroom you have

seen privies before in fancy houses uh incredibly incredibly like sophisticated and oh fancy sort of stuff where it's a line of drop toilets all in a row. Ah. That's fancy for you. This is one toilet. You also look into the toilet, and you can see that it is filled with water. You're not sure what's going on there, and there's some weird box behind the toilet as well. That's so weird.

There's a sink. You would know what a sink is, or a basin at least. You probably wouldn't call it a sink. You'd call it a basin for washing one's hands. And you can see that there's some sort of complicated-looking pump for water. Beneath that sink, there's another smaller little cupboard that the creature opens up and pulls out some more liquids in jars and some more rags.

We scrub scrub it says okay it shows you how to pour liquid into the rag and then start scrubbing there's a a bath a shower bath combo it shows you how to get grime out of the corners and in between grooves and whatnot the place looks like it's well looked after, so you don't need to do a lot of cleaning, but it does show you how to get kind of like a polished sheen on the surface. What I am thinking about right now is exactly what Tree Stump is experiencing in their mind.

Like, oh, whoa, this is so luxurious. It's like they brought the outside in. You spend some time making sure that all of the surfaces here are both polished and clean of grime or anything similar then the creature wanders away and comes back with a like a another sort of brush like the dusting one but this one is much longer it hands it's got a couple of them it It hands one to you and says, Spider webs! And then it gestures up into the ceiling. Where are they going to live?

Then wouldn't you get a lot of bugs? The creature pauses as if slightly confused and says, Spider webs! And then it starts getting rid of spider webs. Okay. I try not to get any spiders and just take their homes and i say sorry sorry sorry sorry sorry after you've spent like a couple more hours doing that and there's a like a myriad of other different jobs that need to be done and by the time they are done all of you are sweaty and a bit more not

puffed you've just been it's not like you know hard labor or anything like that but it's kind of like constantly moving you feel slightly exhausted and like you've had a good day's work at that point also slightly sweaty with like a kind like, you can tell that his robes probably need to be changed, Isaac Newton comes down the stairs. As he does so, you hear a little ping-a-ling from the front door, and the creature who was standing near you previously moves over to the front door. When he gets to the bottom of the stairs, you can see as well that parts of his sleeves are singed and burnt. I believe I have deduced what needs to be done! remember the stairs you can see as well that parts of his sleeves are singed and burnt i believe i have deduced what needs to be done can we come up and see uh my laboratory cannot simply cannot be made safe for adventurous okay there are too many tiny delicate things that I do fear you bumping into. And also, the nature of some of my work is complex and strange.

He's got to stop making it appealing. And you may touch it without even realizing. One's very aura can have effects upon my laboratory. Now I really want to go in. But I'm not rude. Do you say anything like that? No, no, no, no. Are you curious about your aura?

He spots your curiosity and he seems to relinquish and he says, Look, not today, but if you are patient, I might be able to adventure a proof most surfaces. At least I could mark an area where you could walk through without damaging or touching anything accidentally. And I would show you my laboratory!

The place of arcane energies! A nexus of power! I would very much like that, thank you. Very well then. You look like you've earned a hearty dinner! He snaps his fingers and the creature that had gone to the front door

comes back with some parcels in its hands. It puts the parcels on the kitchen counter and walks over to Isaac Newton. What is your bidding? Make us dinner! The creature bustles off to make dinner. This is wonderful. Do any of you have a meal you may prefer tonight?

Something hearty that you may fill your stomachs and quench your thirst. I'd like the sandwiches. The sandwiches again? Very well. No, what does everyone else want?

Oh, no, no, no. It's okay. You can each be made something independently. Everyone makes an order. Chantel asks for potatoes and peas. She seems exceptionally keen to have potatoes and peas. Saren asks for some strange dish in Elven that you've never heard of, but when she asks for it, Isaac Newton says, Ooh, I've never had that.

That sounds fascinating. Yayola asks for meat. Just meat, thank you. Meat it is, and many meats. Delectable, delicious, dripping from the bone. Could I please have what Saren's having? Oh, very well then. Would you like that instead of sandwiches?

Yes, please. Thank you. Very well then. Would you like that instead of sandwiches? Yes, please. Thank you. Very well then. Let it be so. Saren, what's your food? You all walk over to the dining table, which has been laid out for you. And as you sit down, Saren explains the meal. It is like a, I do not know the word in your language, but, you know, maybe like a rice or a noodles. Oh, yummy. Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Do you know like a rice or noodles? Yes. Imagine a rice or a noodles. And then what you do is you make them like big and flat. So like a sheet of rice or noodle. And then what you do, you get some meat and you get some tomato. And with the tomato

you mulch it into like a sauce of sorts. You put it through the meat and then you may put the spices or maybe herbs. It depends where you come from in my culture. Some people add different things. Some people even instead of some of the ingredients,

they may put an eggplant in or an aubergine. We call it eggplant, but many other places call it aubergine. Anyway, and you make a layer and a layer and a layer, like a cake. Oh, so it's a cake made of meat. Yeah, like a cake made of meat and rice or a cake made of meat and uh a rice or a noodle okay i'm excited it's a nice i i i guarantee you like it and then you you bake it in the oven oh you can make a respos several ways but you probably should make it in and off yum yum it's very very delicious very hearty after a hard day's work actually before each of you sit

down at the table you have a bath there are three downstairs bathrooms which you have found out because you cleaned the house today and you use those three downstairs bathrooms to each have a bath or shower as it were a shower would also probably be a pretty big novelty for you. Like, you've seen such things before. Oh, would you have been to a large city? Yeah. Any large city might have a shower equivalent type thing. Usually it's like a very fancy thing because it needs to be constantly pumped.

You assume it's magical somehow because you just enjoy a shower and no one needs to constantly pump it for you. Well, you could have a bath though instead if you wanted to we have stickers and t-shirts now they're available at sanspantsradio.com slash shop may i suggest the get shot by a real astronaut in hot pink it goes with literally every outfit once again that's sanspantsradio.com slash shop. Were those,

just as a side note, were those parcels that were delivered, were they just groceries? No, no, no, no. Parcels, sorry, I mean like letters. Ah, okay. Yeah. Well, it would be rude to snoop, so I won't. Well, when you come back to the table, you can see that at the head of the table, Isaac Newton is going through them, and he's reading several,

he's reading the letters that were sent to him. Ah. And the nice ones? Yes, this letter that I am reading currently is very pleasant indeed. Good news for me. I am being made a lord of the far realms. Oh, congratulations. Soon I will be

Sir Isaac Newton. And anyone saying Sir Isaac Newton would now be correct. That sounds so good for you. I'm very happy for you, Adam. Can the players give the DM an aneurysm? No, do you mean, can the players give the DM an aneurysm?

No, do you mean can the DM give the players an aneurysm? No, no, no, no. Because, no, I don't think you can. Oh, what's Adam having for dinner? Isaac Newton? Sir Isaac Newton? No, Adam, the guy we picked up. The not-at-all-self insert. The Jackson insert named Adam.

He's eating with you. Oh, that's right. I don't know. He maybe sheepishly mumbles something, and now Sir Isaac Newton appears to have heard whatever it was. Anyway, you have a pleasant dinner. Do we? Yeah, your food is brought out to you.

Okay, good. I'm just glad to know the dinner's nice. The creature bustles all the food out to you. You have pleasant conversation and a meal, and then the creature bustles the food away. It's a good lasagna? It's not lasagna. Oh, okay.

Sorry. It's elf-lanya. Fuck off. We will accept Sir Isaac Newton, but we'll draw the line. Elf-lanya? Elf-lanya. Yeah, that's what it's called. And if I were to serve it in this realm, Adam,

what would the difference be between lasagna and elf lanya? Well, you can't make lasagna with dragon mints. Okay. But you could make elf lanya with dragon mints. That's cool to know. Dragon mints, by the way, is just what gnomes call beef. How much hot bullshit can I throw at you this one episode? You might kill us.

It might happen. Beautiful, beautiful stuff. Some rooms, there are many bedrooms in this house. Several of them are made ready so that you can sleep in them, and you stay the night at Sir Isaac Newton's house. That's very kind. And we're allowed in this room, so I'm allowed to look around the room because he let me in and I want to look around the room.

It's a very threadbare bedroom. You open up the wardrobe and you see a series of wizard's robes of slightly different colours. They all look like they're sized for the same person, though, who is significantly smaller than you. Hmm. I mean, do they look Sir Isaac Newton-sized? No, they look slightly smaller than him.

Hmm. Do you keep snooping? Yeah. That's just the first thing that you notice. Absolutely, I keep snooping. There's a tall boy, or a dresser, if one wills. You open up the dresser and you find assortments of other types of clothes, tunics and pants and whatnot.

They do not appear to be Sir isaac newton's style either huh and are they wizard cloak size are they is it does it look like all these clothes are for the same person yeah yeah they do uh going around you eventually find some like just a basic accoutrement of a of a wizarding sort so like just odds and and kind of like bits and pieces from a life lived as a wizard things like uh i don't know maybe like a strange device that you're maybe a little afraid to touch there's some spell books which are bound and uh like sealed with a lock you find some other just general books, which you can't read. Yeah. Although some of them have pictures. I'll look at the pictures.

How's the lows? Highs. Okay. The first book you open says, no, thank you. And closes. Sorry. Highs or lows?

Highs. The second book you open appears to be mostly pictures oh yeah uh actually i would say it's more than 50 pictures it looks like some sort of book to help identify plants you obviously don't know you can't use it to identify plants because you can't read what it says but it's got depictions of plants plants in it cool well i enjoy the pictures for what they are they're very prettily drawn and they would have maybe even like a holographic effect When you move the book you see the plant moves You get different angles

Oh, that's very good I can't take it with me, I put it back I'm not going to steal this, Lowe's Alright, the next book you open screams Do you just leave it open? No, I scream back, slam the book, and put it away. All right. Thank you.

I'm sorry. God, reading's scary. Several of the other books have pictures in them, but none are at any point as interesting as the book with pictures of. Oh, no, actually, you know what? Hi, Solos. Hi. Other than the plant book, there is one book slightly more interesting. interesting as that the book with pictures of oh no actually you know what hi so lowes hi other than the plant book there is one book slightly more interesting this book looks really old it's very worn and when you open it up it is only pictures oh there would be maybe like one or

two words per page but it's a picture book literally a little picture book every page the pages are much thicker in this book and you you can see there is, in every page, there is like a little puppet thing that you're meant to control with a finger. Am I sharing this room with other people? No, you've got this room to yourself. Oh, I can't share this with anyone. It would be weird if I went into their other rooms and was like, look what the...

No, I go to Chantel's room. The door is closed? Yeah, I go to Chantel's room. The door is closed? Yeah, I want to open the door and, oh no, what happens? You open the door and Chantel in bed grumbles, what? Oh, I just want to show you a cool book I found. Chantel gets up out of bed, rubs her eye and says, yes. Uh, I go and sit on her bed and show her the little finger puppets. Look, doesn't it look nice?

It looks very, very nice. Do you want me to read it to you? Oh my God. Can you? Yes. Yes, please. She takes the book and the first page, she puts her finger in the puppet and says the caterpillar was very hungry that day oh my god tree stump is about to have the best night of their life

as the little caterpillar she takes her two other two fingers and reaches them around the book so she can rub the caterpillar's stomach in hunger oh she goes to the next page puts her finger in again and says the caterpillar searched all over for food and then the so most of the picture itself is like a a garden and as the little caterpillar she like sniffs about on all the different plants and leaves the next page the caterpillar found a big bright lettuce and then she like makes the caterpillar kind of like curling her finger like inches it along the page until it gets to the lettuce the caterpillar ate munch munch munch, munch. Gael, are you seeing this? I assume they're sharing a room. Yeah, you know what they probably are.

Gael is still in bed and grumbles, it's lovely. And kind of like bundles the sheets a little bit closer over her. I have no idea what she's missing. Oh, my God. It's her choice, but it's a silly choice to sleep at a time like this. Munch, munch, munch, munch, munch. And then the next page. The caterpillar was very full.

And then she does like a rubbing belly thing again, but this time it's like a full rubbing belly. Oh, yeah, I can tell the difference. It's good. That's different to the first time. The caterpillar went to sleep. And then on the next page, she like curls her finger up into like a little ball oh that's that's the aeola and the next morning the caterpillar was in a cocoon i heard about this oh my god i hope she's okay what's happening caterpillar you're in a cocoon. That next page has no finger puppet for you to control.

It's just like a big picture of a cocoon across the page. The Caterpillar slept and slept and slept. And then this final page has like a massive finger puppet thing that you put your entire hand into. After waiting and waiting and waiting the cocoon crack crack crack and and then she puts her hand into the puppet and it explodes out into a colorful butterfly oh that's really nice thank you you're very welcome i wonder do you like to read it she says i don't know i don't know how i can walk you through it

all right oh yeah i'd like to stay up with chantelle and try and learn how to say butterfly or caterpillar you struggle chantelle has to guide you along you learn how to sound it out like to using your hands you stretch out the word but that's pretty much all you learn today. That's big. No, I'm pretty proud of Tristump. That's massive. Good on him. Oh, yeah.

And then I get to go to sleep and solidify my knowledge and really send it over to long-term. We've got a delivery for long-term. Ding, ding. I know you guys are pretty full of numbers right now, but here's some letters. What a big day for Tree Stump's brain. That nine intelligence is working so hard.

Meanwhile, on his spirit journey to atone for murder. I just have forgotten. Yeah, when I put on that little headbandband i felt immense guilt and it went off and you travel with great of riding upon his elk you're only riding for about maybe one maybe two hours at most before you come to a massive clearing in the forest. The clearing must be like 100, 200 feet in diameter. It's simply enormous. As you stride in, the most dominant feature in the center of this forest, sorry, in the center of

this clearing is a gigantic, a simply enormous oak tree. Gradov dismounts, and just is for you to do the same. This is one of three locations in the forest that you will need to visit. You need to climb to the very top. He gestures up to the top of the tree.

Up the top of the tree grows a very rare flower known as the alpine daisy. Alpine daisy. Okay. You will need to get to the top, collect an Alpine Daisy, and make your way back. Alpine Daisy. Got it. Is it the only flower there, or is it I need to... It should be the only flower growing there.

Okay. Alpine Daisy. You will face a trial along the way. What the trial will be is dependent upon the spirit of the forest's whims. I could not tell you what it would be i could not prepare it for you all i know is that you will face a trial of sorts well thank you very much you've you've already been more than helpful he nods good luck to you hey thank you very much all right well i'll um head on head on over the tree is simply so enormous that for the first

maybe like 10 15 feet perhaps there is no branches to grab onto. It's just bark all the way around the tree. Okay. Okay. Right. Can I try to scramble up or do I need to do it? You can try to scramble up. Otherwise, I was like, I'll use my jump ability

from that magic initiate and try to, with that, try to jump up and catch something. You could roll acrobatics or cast jump. Casting jump just guarantees that you'll get there. Acrobatics

is obviously a chance, but doesn't require a spell. That's alright. Well, I'll cast... I'll give acrobatics uh is obviously a chance but doesn't require a spell that's all right um well i'll cast i'll cast um i'll give acrobatics a first um i'll give it a go first don't fuck it up in front of great i can't jump i can't jump i can't jump uh you jump like a baby would yeah okay i look back barely leave the ground i i i i. He didn't see. No, good. Not in Paris. A grade of appears to be in a meditation similar to how Tavrotine does it. Perfect, perfect.

Not. Yep. Good, good, good, good, good. I'll cast jump. You cast jump, leap, and you spring with supernatural speed and velocity. You latch onto one of the lowest branches and got to try and scramble your way up. You successfully scramble up into the branch. You're standing with sure footing here on the bottom branch.

You look up and you see you have a long way to go. Well, every journey begins with one leap. Hell of a year. You start climbing. Just how far is it to the top? Find out next time on Stories of the Greyhill Free Company. To be continued... for you. Our patented bad boy cards will make your players lives hell while making yours great. Are they mad at you? Good. Tell them it could always

be worse and threaten to use one of these bad boy cards. The complete deck of 50 cards is available from our website, sanspantsradio.com slash shop, with each having a unique ability you can play in game or hoard as a threat so your players never step out of line. We also have good boy cards available for when you want to treat your players to something good as a distraction to what's coming up.

Grab either or both in a bundle while stocks last. Once again, that's sandspantsradio.com slash shop. To be continued... the word where you can listen to select campaigns that were once only available to sans pants plus members the further adventures of the grey hill free company if you want shorter campaigns with beautiful guests and dnd is for nerds not of not where all our non-canon dnd adventures go to rest just search for dnd is for nerds on your favorite podcast app choice and join us on this epic quest of dnd podcast discovery