Dhru Purohit Show - 5 Reasons We Say “I Don’t Know What I Want!” and How to Truly Find Clarity

Episode Date: March 7, 2022

This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth and Vivobarefoot. Welcome to the Big Idea of the Week! On today’s episode of The Dhru Purohit Podcast, we are resharing a solo episode with Dhru where he talks about five common reasons why we say “I don’t know what I want!” and strategies to get around them. These reasons include: 1) We haven’t taken the time to slow down, cut out the distractions, and ask ourselves the question. 2) We don’t even know what’s possible because we haven’t looked outside our comfort zone. 3) We’re too focused on making the wrong decision instead of just taking the first step. 4) We actually do know what we want; we’re just afraid to be honest and admit it to ourselves. 5) We are trying to rush an answer in an area of life that just takes time. For more on Dhru Purohit, follow him on Instagram @dhrupurohit, Facebook @dhruxpurohit, Twitter @dhrupurohit, and YouTube @dhrupurohit. Text Dhru at 302-200-5643 or click here.  Interested in joining Dhru’s Facebook community? Submit your request to join here. This episode is brought to you by Cozy Earth and Vivobarefoot. Cozy Earth are the most comfortable, temperature-regulating, and nontoxic sheets on the market. Right now, get 40% off your Cozy Earth sheets. Just head over to cozyearth.com and use the code DHRU. Vivobarefoot footwear is designed to be wide, thin, and flexible—as close to barefoot as possible. They promote your foot's natural strength and movement, allowing you to feel the ground beneath your feet. Vivobarefoot is offering 20% off your first order at vivobarefoot.com/DHRU. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Hi, everyone, Drew Prode here. Today is a big idea of the week episode. And the topic and the title is five reasons we say, I don't know what I want and how to truly find clarity. Big idea of the week episodes are where I, your host, Drew Perrault, come to you with a thought, a distinction, or an idea that's radically transformed my life for the better. These episodes are fun for me because I get to bring you wisdom that I've used in my own

life and shared with those that are close to me, my friends and family, and I've seen tremendous impact in their lives. and this topic is one where I've definitely felt that. I've used these techniques here to help people get clear on what they really want in life. Have you ever said, I don't know what I want? Have you ever thrown your hands up in the air in frustration and said, I literally have no idea what I want? Have you felt confused about a major decision in your life?

Like what career to pursue, what relationship to explore, or even what goal to set? The thing is, don't feel down if the answer is yes. You are not alone. This happens to the best of us. Any successful person I know in life has gone through a period of time where they just are not clear on what they want. It happens to all of us. It's part of our journey.

But just because we've been there doesn't mean we have to stay there. It's part of the journey, but we don't have to stay there. In today's Big Idea of the Week episode, I talk about five. common reasons why I hear people say I don't know what I want. I've said it before too. These are five common reasons why we say I don't know what I want and strategies to get around them, strategies to help you find clarity for each one of these reasons. You may identify with one reason or another. At different points in your life, you might have said, I don't know, and it could be for a variety of different reasons. If you listen to the reasons today, I think

you'll find one of them that you can relate to either now or sometime in the future, and then you can use the strategy appropriately to help you hack it. These strategies that I'm presenting today are strategies that help you strengthen the connection between your brain, you know, our brain, which this podcast talks a lot about, in our brain we have our executive function in our prefrontal cortex. And so much about getting clear about what we want in life is connecting our brain with our gut. You know, we have the term gut intuition. Trust your gut. Well, it turns out that we have a second brain in our gut. The brain in our head is important. It's really good at weighing out the pros and cons in

life. Is this better? Is that better when it comes to facts, facts that we can see? Now, sometimes facts are only part of the equation. The other part of our equation is the gut intuition, the deeper things that we feel inside that we haven't even said out loud to ourselves or maybe even the people that we love. And connecting our gut and our brain is a big part of getting clear on what we want. And that's what these strategies are all about. So with that being said, let's jump in. The first big idea, the first reason that I hear people say, I don't know what I want is they haven't taken the time to slow down, cut out the distraction. and even ask themselves the question.

You know, what's interesting, I notice that people often say, I don't know what I want in a moment of anxiety or frustration. I don't often hear that question when times are good or they're sitting in stillness or in peace or they just got out of a meditation. It's usually when things are frustrating or they had a tough day or they're in traffic

or they just got into a fight with a loved one. That's usually after all this buildup of emotion and energy that you hear somebody throw up their hands and say, I just don't know what I want, right? Well, why is that? I think it's important for us to look at when we are stressed, we often can default to building on that stress by tackling everything at the same time,

tackling the busyness of life all at the same time. And the reason that's important is that it shows that, of course, We're not going to know what we want if we haven't truly sat down in a moment of peace away from the busyness, away from the distractions, our phone notifications, Instagram, Slack, text messages. When we take a step away from the busyness of life to sit down with just a pen and a paper, nothing fancy. Distractions aside, a little bit of peace and quiet, doesn't mean that we have to go to the

Himalayas, it doesn't mean that we have to go on a meditation retreat. It just means that we need 10, 15, 20 minutes to sit away from everything else. Text our loved ones and say, I'm taking a little bit of time for myself. Tell our family that we're going to go on a walk. Tell our work colleagues that we're going to take, you know, a little bit of a longer work, you know, lunch break. Whatever needs to happen, just taking a moment away, setting expectations with everybody else around you that you are going to intentionally sit down and ask yourself the question.

We're not going to get so busy with the busyness of life that we wait till a moment gets bad. We feel overwhelmed with everything that's happening and we throw our hands up and say, I don't know what I want. So first big idea again, we haven't taken the time to slow down, cut out the distractions, and ask ourselves the question. What do I really want? You know, something beautiful happens when you sit down with a pen and a paper. I know it's old school, but when you sit down with a pen and a paper away from distraction

and you ask yourself a question without forcing an answer and you just listen. What happens is that there's a deeper part of you that gets a chance to come up to the surface, a part of you that really starts to show up when it's away from that noise. And why I suggest a pen and paper is that it's not that you're necessarily going to have the answer right away. sometimes we do, you might just start writing down whatever comes to mind. Call it journaling. Call it a mind dump. A mind dump is where you just write down a good enough answer.

You write down, okay, well, I know what I don't want? Okay, what do you not want? Then you start writing down that. Then eventually you start getting clear and clearer and clear and you start writing down and asking yourself the question again and again, what do I really want? What's important to me? What do I care about?

You know, there's a lot of different ways you can ask yourself the question, what do I want? What's important to me now? What will bring me the greatest joy? What will help me get closer to my goals? When you ask these variations of these questions and you sit down with a pen and paper, again, computer aside, cell phone, put it in the other room. Tell everybody you're busy taking a moment for yourself.

We give so much to everybody else around us, but we rarely focus on just ourselves and what we really want. So the first strategy is to do exactly that. Most people don't know what they want because they haven't sat down with the question. sit down in a place of peace and quiet even if it's 10 minutes 15 minutes writing down whatever comes up to you that's a good start and it doesn't mean it's going to be the exact answer that you're looking for it could be that you need a few moments like that but at least give yourself the gift of time and go and pursue asking yourself the exact question all right

Big idea number two. The second reason that I often hear people say, I don't know what I want is they don't know what's possible because they haven't looked outside of their own comfort zone. We all have a comfort zone. The comfort zone of who we know, what we've experienced, what we've been exposed to, what news sources we listen to, the education that we've had, the friends that we keep. That's all a big part of our comfort zone. Now, when we're looking to get clarity on what we want

so we can create a next version of our life and step into some element of growth for ourselves, for our families, for those around us to make us better and the world better, it requires us to step a little bit outside of our comfort zone. There might be an area of life that you want to make progress in. Let's say it's your health. Let's say it's a business.

whatever it might be, there might be an area of life that you want to make progress in, but you actually are not sure what goal you want because you haven't really been exposed to much. You might have just been talking to the normal friends that you have, and they have very similar goals to what you have, or maybe they don't have any goals at all. You might have been watching the same news sources that you always watch. You don't know actually what's possible. I give this analogy sometimes.

I say, you know, when you go to a child and you ask them, hey, what do you want to be when you grow up? And let's say they're like six, seven, or eight. What are the common answers that you hear from them? Well, at six, seven, or eight, you're probably going to hear a teacher, doctor, firefighter, astronaut, maybe professional sports player. Maybe the most sophisticated you're going to hear is like CEO. You know, a lot of kids know about that. But after about maybe 20 to 30 things, maybe some kids might say a veterinarian or a zookeeper,

their list is quite small because the truth is most six, seven, eight-year-olds don't really know about all the jobs that are out there in the world. They don't know that somebody could be a podcast host, although these days you might have kids saying that they want to be a YouTube celebrity because they watch a lot of YouTube. I digress nonetheless. The interesting thing is that when you go to adults and you ask them, what do you want to be when you grow up or in your next version of your career since you're already grown up? Adults, sure, they know the term engineer or they might say electrician or carpenter or they might say, you know, this thing or that thing. They have a bigger list, but surprisingly, that list is not that much bigger than most kids that are out there that are telling you astronaut, teacher, cowboy NFL player. A lot of adults, you know, 18, 19, 20, 21, they don't even know that there's somebody that's out there that gets paid to ghost write books. They don't know that there's somebody out there that gets paid to be a health and wellness coach.

They don't know that there's somebody that's out there that gets paid to be a professional podcast host like myself. What I'm basically saying is that we in our comfort zone only know so much. So sometimes the reason that we don't know what we want is we haven't explored outside of our comfort zone. So what's the solution to that? Exploring outside of our comfort zone. set the intention that you're going to go have coffee with somebody in a completely different industry, for example, if you wanted to change industries. Set the intention that you are going to reach out to a mentor to teach you about a category

that maybe you even thought that you would never be interested in. Let's say, again, with the example of exploring a new career, maybe you're not interested in real estate, but you know somebody that's doing well in real estate. Well, just expand yourself and see what else is possible by going and talking and talking to somebody, interview them. How did they get to where they are? What do they like about in their industry? What do they see?

What are their challenges? What are their problems? We all know somebody in our immediate network that's in a different field completely different than us who's making progress. Let's say your goal is health and not career. Well, let's go expand beyond the immediate people that we know and say, who else is there? Is there a friend of a friend? Is there a distant cousin that I haven't been in touch with that has really done well

or gotten better from a disease that they were working on, let me talk to them about what they did. When we go outside of our immediate comfort zone, we start to see examples. Human beings are really good at modeling behavior. So when we find another person that's successful and we see that they made it possible, then we now know that it's possible for us,

even if our goal is a little bit different than what they achieved. At least it's more information, and it's giving us an idea of, what direction we want to go in. Why is it that I'm blanking on the individual's name, but for a long time, athletics thought in track and field that no human could run a sub four minute mile.

And you've probably heard this story before if you have and you can look it up on Wikipedia. When finally the first individual who broke the four minute mile broke the actual four minute mile, I'm forgetting again the gentleman's name, a whole bunch of other people ended up breaking the four minute mile right after that.

Why? because they knew it was possible. When you step out of your comfort zone and you see more possibilities, you see more people that have been successful, let's say you want to attract a life partner, whether you are wanting to be married for the first time or whether you're divorced and you're trying to create a new life for yourself. Well, it's never to late or too early to go and actually talk to people

who have successful relationships and say, you know, crazy question. but I'd love to ask you like, what drew you to this person? Why did you think it was them that was going to be a good life partner? What have you guys done together to maintain this beautiful relationship you have? Asking people and getting exposure to things outside your comfort zones shows you what's possible, which in turn helps you figure out what you want. That was big idea number two.

Let's jump into big idea number three. The reason that, the third reason that I, I hear people say, I don't know what I want is they're too focused on making the wrong decision instead of just taking the first step. You know, a friend of mine, Marnie, shared a story on Instagram with me about some great advice that she got from Tony Robbins, the world famous coach and author and business guru. People would come up to Tony Robbins at his lectures and tell him, but Tony, I don't know what I want. And he would sit next to the person in his lectures, you know, stadiums filled with thousands and thousands of people.

I've been to them. It's a really fun event. Maybe when the world comes back to normal, if you're excited to check it out, I would definitely recommend it. At least the power within. Tony would sit next to them and say, okay, I know you don't know what you want. But if you thought you knew, what would you say? He would ask them, what do you want when it comes to your relationship? And people would freeze and they'd say, I don't.

know, I don't know what I want. Okay, I know you don't know right now, but if you thought you knew, what would you say? And the interesting thing is when we wear the cap, which is, okay, fine, fine, you don't know what you want. That's fine. Let's take the pressure off you. But if you thought you knew you, if you thought, tongue twister, if you thought you knew what you want, what would you say? Why that's powerful is that when you take off the pressure of not knowing and that you have to know, something beautiful happens. You start with good enough. And Tony found that 99% of the time,

people at least had some answer, a starting place. It may not be perfect, but that's not the goal of the question. It's what you know right now. And guess what? Every day you get to continue to ask yourself that question. You know how many friends and even myself thought that they wanted one career

or thought that they wanted to pursue one avenue of business or one particular type of job, they got it. It's what they wanted. They got it. They did it. They got the benefit out of it. And after doing it, they realized, actually, this is not really what I want. I want something different.

Amazing. That's part of the journey. But you would have never gotten to step two if you didn't take step one. Sometimes we're so focused on making the wrong decision. We don't just take the next step of what we know right now. But it's not perfect. but that's okay. The goal of I don't, of knowing what you want and avoiding the I don't know what I want is not perfection.

It's getting started and being good enough with what we know right now. Okay, big idea number four. The fourth reason I hear people say, I don't know what I want is they actually do know what they want. they're just afraid to be honest and admit it to themselves. This is a big one. This is a really big one. And I want you, if you can identify with this, that you actually do know what you want. You're just afraid to be honest with yourself and maybe even others and admit it.

This is an important one to pay attention to. Fear drives so much of our lives. and sometimes there's parts of us, things that we're so clear on, things that we know without a doubt inside of us that are the right thing for us, but we don't pursue them because we're worried about the consequences. Take, for instance, relationships. There's people that are listening today that have known for years. They're not in a relationship that's working. It's not helpful. It's not It's not just that it's not perfect or that's not ideal. It's actually genuinely unhealthy.

It's making them a worse person and it's not supporting them towards their goals in life. Listen, I am not going to be the person to chime in to say whether or not a relationship is right for you or not right for you. I'm simply saying there's people that are listening today that already know internally they're in the wrong relationship. And if it's not working for them, it's not working for their partner, their husband, their spouse, their wife, boyfriend, girlfriend, whatever it is. But, this is the but, it's hard to admit it because of all the questions that come when we admit it. But what does that mean?

But what are my friends going to say? But my parents paid for this big wedding. But everybody thought we were the great couple. But I've already invested so much time, effort, and energy into this relationship. yes all those things are there but that does not change the truth the honest truth of what we know which is we're just fundamentally with the wrong person and you know what staying with the wrong person again just an example staying with the wrong person what kind of ramifications does that have on our life for the rest of our life we're less likely to be excited if we have kids we're showing them a bad

example of what it looks like to be in a relationship, especially if that relationship is spilling over to them. We are putting our own needs aside. We are not allowing ourselves to go and further pursue the things that we want to do. That doesn't mean that we give up on a relationship. That doesn't mean anything, right? It just means that we have to be willing to be honest with ourselves. Some of my friends that have the strongest relationships entered into those relationships after a period of turmoil. A period of turmoil where one partner said, this is not working and we need help.

Otherwise, I don't think we can be together. And then they went and got help. They went to a Gottman therapist or they went to a couples counselor. And that other person, their relationship, got it that when they were honest and they said, look, I need to be honest with you. If this relationship stays this way, I don't want it.

That doesn't mean I'm out. It just means I need to tell you how clearly we need help. And if we're not willing to give go for help, if you're not willing to get a third party involved, then I can't see myself continuing down this pathway because nothing's gonna change. Now, I don't wanna typecast, but I will say that there are a lot of, again,

this is me generalizing it and being very clear, I will say that, for especially a lot of women who typically may not be the first person to speak up, maybe the first person to put their own needs aside, maybe the first person to just go along with things. I see often more than not, again, this is my own experience as a human being, you know, so don't be upset with me. But I often see that women who put everybody else first before them,

including their partner, kids, everything like that. But the relationship, the core relationship is not. working for them, I see that there is a level of resentment that builds up to such a degree that they are so clear that they do not want this relationship in a current form that they're in. That doesn't mean that they don't love the person, that they don't, you know, it doesn't mean that they don't love their kids, their family, their husband, you know, whatever it is. It just means they're so clear. But they have not clearly told the person they're with how bad it is.

when this happens, that resentment ends up building up, building up, building up, building up, building up, building up, and then one day we pop or that person pops. And I want to say that I want to give you permission if you can identify that, man, woman, whoever is listening to this, whether it's in relationship, whether it's with a job, whether it's with something else. If you clearly know that something isn't working for you, that's your intuition screaming at you, that this is not working. If you don't change something, I'm going to freaking eat myself alive from the inside out. I'm going to explode, you know. I'm going to not be able to put up with this. When we stick with things that we don't want, it has so many ramifications in our life. And one of the ways to ultimately build up courage to have that difficult conversation is to write down those things that we're losing.

What are we losing by not having that fantastic relationship or staying in the same? that unhealthy relationship, for example. What are we losing by staying in that safe job, but that is making us completely miserable or depressed or whatever it might be? What are we losing by staying with the thing that we don't want? Or what are we losing by not being honest

with the people around us? When we get clear about that and we make that list that's there, then find somebody that you can talk with, somebody that you trust, that can hear you without judgment and share this with them, Share their honest thoughts and also what you're losing out and have a dialogue. See what comes up from that. But I actually feel that a lot of people who say, I don't know what I want, actually do know what they want.

They're just afraid to be honest and admit it to themselves and others because they're afraid of the consequences. I got worked up on that. I can definitely identify by that one. And I can say from somebody who's had to disappoint people in, you know, different categories of life. And, you know, people who have had expectations on me, but it was not the right fit. I've shared in the past an example of how my parents had this dream of me going to school and eventually being a doctor or maybe some other degree that's a high profession. And that wasn't the right path for me. I valued education.

I love studying. I was a great student. I had a 4.3 GPA in school. so it wasn't that I wasn't smart enough to be able to complete higher education. I just knew it wasn't the right thing for me. So I had to be honest with them. And they were not happy and they were disappointed. But to my parents' credit, they trusted me enough to say, look, go try it.

If this is the path you want to pursue to go build a business, go do it. And it was tough. For the first couple years, it was tough. But ultimately, at the end of the day, you have to live with your own regrets in life. I would have had so much more regret if I didn't go down that path, even if I wasn't the successful business person that I am today. I could always gone back and get my degree or get a job or whatever it was. I just knew that I would be filled with regret if I didn't pursue the path that I wanted to pursue.

If you know what you want, but you're scared to be honest with other people, write down the cons and the things that you're losing out from and go have an honest conversation with somebody in your life or go find a therapist and talk to them about this. Okay, number five, the five and the last reason that I hear people say, I don't know what I want is sometimes we're just rushing an answer in an area of life that takes time. Just because we don't have an answer now doesn't mean it won't come to us if we're willing to do the work and be patient. You could be doing all the things above. You could be honest with yourself and others about what you want. You could be focused on just taking the first

step. You could be outside of your comfort zone exploring and finding role models to give you examples of getting clear about what you want. You could be taking the time to slow down and get away from distractions to get clear. And still, sometimes it's not exactly clear what you're trying to create or what you want exactly. It's not taking shape. It's loosely there, but it's not exactly clear. And in those instances, the answer is, just keep on doing the work and be patient. We can't rush an answer when that answer's not ready for us. Now, that being said, the universe or God or anything that you identify with is speaking to you all the time. I truly believe that a higher power is constantly conspiring to give us messages, to give us direction.

Now, because of that, I pay attention to signs. I pay attention to signs that are out there from the universe. Signs that are saying, go this direction or talk to this person, coincidences. And that's benefited me. That's benefited me in my life because it helps me pay attention to something that maybe I wasn't looking out for before. So some days when I've been doing everything right, but I'm just not sure about what I want, but I'm willing to be patient and do the work, I set the intention in the morning to be open, to signs if the universe has signs for me. Literally, I wake up in bed and I say, universe or God

or whatever you identify with or just even brain. If you don't identify by any of those things, just train your brain and say brain or self or Drew, talk to yourself, whatever your name is. But for me, I say universe. So, universe, I am open to signs today. And I'm putting out the intention that I'm open and I'm willing to pay attention to signs that I may not normally see. And by doing that regularly, whether it's my own just, you know, delusion, whether it's truly synchronicity, whether it's a higher power, whether it's a universe conspiring to take you towards your goals, I notice that when I do that regularly, signs start to show up.

So if that feels like something that you feel comfortable exploring, I would try that. set the intention to put out a sign that you are willing and ready to listen to signs from the universe if they're there for you. Wow, what an episode. This episode was inspired by an Instagram post that I did call Four Reasons Why We Say I Don't Know What I Want. If you want to see that post and share it with a friend, click the show notes.

You can get the link. And by the way, on the topic of sharing it with a friend, if you've enjoyed this episode and the big idea episodes that I do, mostly weekly, I would ask you, the highest compliment you could give me is copying the link to this episode and sending it to a friend that you think would enjoy it. That would mean the world to me because the goal of these episodes here are to help people who are struggling, help people who are suffering. Why?

Because you know what? Somebody helped me by their insights. I was helped by so many teachers, mentors, friends, individuals that gave me. me a different perspective on how to look at things. And my life is what it is today, filled with joy, abundance, happiness, joy. I said joy twice because there's a lot of joy in it. And peace and freedom because of the mentorship and guidance that have gotten from people that played that role in my journey.

So I want to pay it forward. If you like this episode, send it to a friend that you think would also enjoy it. This is Drew Prod here. closing off with another big idea of the week, you can text me 302, 200, 5643. That's 302, 2005643. Let me know what you thought about this episode or if you got clarity on what you want in life. See you next week.