Doug Loves Movies - Paul F. Tompkins and Sean Cullen Guest

Episode Date: October 13, 2008

Doug welcomes Sean Cullen (Last Comic Standing) and Paul F. Tompkins (Best Week Ever) to the show.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Doug hates candy wrappers screaming baby sticky seeds With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see Cause Doug loves movies Hello everybody! Welcome to I Love Movies. My name is Doug Benson, and I do love movies. I don't see nearly as many as I used to because now I have a new rule. If a movie is G, PG, or PG-13 and it looks intriguing, I will wait and see it on an airplane because I fly a lot and all of that shit always shows up

on planes because it's family friendly. The R-rated movies don't show up as much and if they do they cut stuff out and I don't want to miss things Speaking of R-rated movies, Super High Me continues to be available Thanks!

Continues to be available for those of you who want to rent or buy it. Good luck finding it. It's not at Walmart. Let's see. I can't even read my own. I wrote a couple things down I wanted to say on a Post-it. Now I can't even read. Oh, hey, also listeners to this podcast, if you're in town sometime, and the town I'm

talking about is Los Angeles, and you want to see this podcast live and in person like these folks are doing right now here at the UCB Theater in Los Angeles, just go to ucbtheater.com, theater spelled fancy, R-E, and check it out. It's free. It's free to look at the calendar at ucbtheater.com. And it is also free to actually attend one of these tapings. We do it right before Comedy Death Ray, which is an awesome, popular show at UCB Theater in L.A. All right. Before I bring our guests out, I just want to say I'm very psyched about Quantum of Solace, the new James Bond movie that's coming out soon.

The trailer looks good. I'm still very unhappy about the title, Quantum of Solace. I didn't look up either of the words. I'm pretty comfortable with the word of. I know what that means, but I don't know what a quantum of solace is. I think quantum is a lot because I remember there's a show called Quantum Leap, and he rarely went back or forward in time by just a few minutes. And so quantum must be a lot.

And then solace is like comfort, I guess, or, you know, calm, calmitude, chance to relax. So that doesn't sound good for a James Bond movie. A lot of comfort and relaxing. So I'm just hoping that the way James Bond gets some solace is from killing a lot of dudes and sexing a lot of ladies. Let's bring our guests out. I always have two hilarious comedians,

and tonight is no exception. Not always comedians. They could be actors. These guys are actors and comedians. Two of the best. The first gentleman you may have seen in the most recent season of Last Comic Standing. I give him the Doug Benson Award

for didn't go as far as he should have on that shitty show. From Canada, but America is starting to love him as much as he's loved in his homeland. Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Sean Cullen is here. Let's hear it for him. There he is, touching me.

Touching me on the shoulder. I like it. You can sit there if you like. Wherever you like. Just start talking in the microphone as soon as possible. There you go. Because otherwise the listeners don't know that you just said hi to everyone and how warm it was.

Things are great. It's a beautiful place you've got here. Completely covered in golden marble for the people at home who can't see it. It's gorgeous. I just told people they should come check out a taping though. It's like a toilet in Thailand.

And my other guest... Thank you, Sean. You're welcome. My other guest was delighted when I told him you... Comics call me up and say, who's the other guest? When I told him it was you, he was delighted. I feel delighted. And rightly so.

I think you guys both love each other. He's one of my comrades on uh best week ever and you know him from mr show and lots of stuff ladies and gentlemen paul f tompkins watch out watch out there's a lot of my courts to trip over so please yes for those at home he did a very funny trip take when he came out. Oh, that's Sean Cullen. Oh, sorry. You thought it was going to be Sean Cullen in...

You know what I was thinking of? Bill Cullen, the host of the old... Well, there is a Sean Cullen. There is another Sean Cullen who was in that movie with George Clooney. Oh, yes, that one. The one with the one in Oscar. Was it in black and white?

Syriana. Not that one. The other one where he's trying to, there's a whistleblower and there's problems and Tilda Swinton Michael Clayton. Yes, that's the one. There's a guy named Sean Cullen and Michael Clayton who is not you. He's his brother. I might have been watching the titles at the end

and went, wow, I must have really slept through a lot of that. I missed Sean Cullen's part. It was so subtle. You didn't even know I was in it. I liked Michael Clayton,

but mostly just because the ten minutes towards the end are really good. Like, up until then, it's like, when is this going to get going? And then it gets going

and then it says directed by whoever. Did you think? Whatever the fuck his name is. When the credits came up, you were like finally, here we go. And then the credits start. No, no, no. The last ten minutes of the movie. The final reel, if you will. It really kicks in. But that scene

where George Clooney's like, do I look like I'm negotiating? Yes. Is in the trailer and it's also two minutes before the end titles start to roll. You're saying there should have been... This is like the most exciting moment. There should have been a spoiler alarm. A spoiler alarm?

Yes. In the trailer? In the trailer. You're just like, look, we're going to give away a bunch of shit. This is the best part. Shut your eyes. This is the best part. Turn away now.

Why did they show the credits in the trailer, too? I don't know about that. That's it. You're confusing me. If you're showing the credits in your trailer, that I don't know about that. That's it. You're confusing me. If you're showing the credits in your trailer, that's the best part of the movie? That's bad. Guys, give me a second.

I need a mere moment of solace. Oh. I don't need a quantum of it. No, the thing is, a quantum is a very tiny amount. It is. On a quantum level, you're talking about very minute things. So it's going to like, maybe ten seconds of solace, and then kick-ass total

mayhem! Look at the gun he's carrying on the poster. It's like a giant, sawed-off AK-47 machine gun. It's like, that's not a solace machine. How many quantums are in a gallon? Well, an imperial gallon

or an American gallon? An imperial gallon. Okay. Well, there's certainly infinite numbers, I would say. Well, certainly. Yes. Tiny vibrating strings. All right, I want to ask you guys. I know you both are big heads.

For all the physicists out there loving that. So many. String theory reference. More than usual. Oh, yeah. Look at all those eggheads. Speaking of which. Whoa. More than usual. Oh, yeah. Look at all those eggheads. Speaking of which... Whoa! Way to go!

Boy, oh boy. What a disaster. We have a special tonight for physicists. Bring some bullshit theory and you get in for free. But you get in for free late. Yes. We hold you back a little bit. What was the time listed on the website?

First we have to hear your theory. It's listed as 8 o'clock sharp. Really? So you have to show up at 8 o'clock and you have to look good. Joe Jackson sings about it. Don't you feel like trying something new? I said

right before this I'm going to try to get these guys to sing. See, I do a lot of impressions of people no one knows. Like useless. Like a pig knows Joe Jackson. Joe Jackson. He doesn't know. Treble is my treble. No one even knows what he's saying.

I terrorize by bees. Brutalized by Treble. Terrorized by bears? What? Who sent this song about bees? But he got it wrong on that recording. And they confused it and said bears. Terrorized by bears. But it brings up a very good point.

Which is that Joe Jackson and bears rarely coincide physically in our universe. Do you think he is a bear? And that's why you never see him around bears? He's a total shaved bear. And they smell him and they go, what is that? Does not compute.

Does not compute in my bear computer mind. The smartest bear does that. Now I understand why in most of his shows people throw picnic baskets up on the stage. He's an undercover bear. And he slaps any honey-flavored confections

out of people's hands. That's right. In the crowd. What is that? Someone's got honey! Whack! Do you remember the time Joe Jackson got stuck in that window? What?

No. Oh, he was going after some honey. He didn't realize. He got stuck, he's so big. He didn't realize his own width. And so he got stuck in that window. Bears have no sense of width. Oh, he got stuck in a window.

No, whiskers, that's why. That's right. If they had whiskers, they would know. Bear whiskers. I'll never get out of there, I'll never get through that. In the old days, in the prehistoric times, cave bears had enormous whiskers.

The biggest. And they would, that's a cave I could live in. The biggest. They were the Sam Elliot's of that age. They were. Everyone knew it. That's how he got that nickname.

Sam Elliot. Yeah. Do you think when rabbits start to get fat, they also grow out their whiskers just to be able to gauge whether they can get through doorways and windows? I think it's to make their faces look thinner. But I think they develop hip whiskers. They get some of the plugs that they're on the sides and they can shimmy through. If an animal gets fat enough,

it will develop hip whiskers on its hips, ladies and gentlemen. Nature finds a way. Get some whiskers! If either of you at any point think of any reason to sing, do it. Because I really wanted that to happen. That was great.

Sean, of course, was in Quirky and the Juke Pigs. Juke Pigs. Yeah, well, I figured out that's what went wrong with the whole act, is that you should have been the Juke Pigs instead of the Juice Pigs. Then we would have made lots of quick movements. Juking, juking. Yeah, I don't know what that means. That's what people miss.

Now you do. Now I know that juking is making quick movements. Yes, it is. Back and forth, Side to side. Juking. He juked his way through the fence of life. So it's a racial thing? Yes, it is. Totally racist.

I went to a swap meet the other day. Anyway, so sing if you can. He was in Corky and the Goose Pigs. I can sing. And he can sing beautifully. Paul loves to sing in his own shows that he did at Largo. Oh, yeah? Yeah, but apparently I don't sing beautifully.

Well, you do. Thank you, Sean. You have a great deal of class, talent, I think, succinctness. You are like, if you have song whiskers, you have song whiskers that guide you through each song. Invisible, kind of metaphysical song whiskers. I feel that. That's what I feel about you.

I feel that on my... You have whiskers right now. I feel that on my voice's face. That they have their song whiskers. That's a beautiful thing. It is. It's a really beautiful thing. You've just put a smile on my voice's face.

And it's choking me. Doug, you missed one hair in shaving. It's very long. I missed lots of them. Wait, it's so funny. Oh, no missed one hair in shaving. It's very long. I missed lots of them. Oh, no, that's a sideburn hair. When you pointed, it looked like you had one big hair sticking out. Like I made it happen. I'm going to show him how shitty this looks.

See, this is what you did. Maybe you should rethink this because you're ruining both our nights. Should we talk about movies in any way? Oh, yeah. Haven't we? Is this a movie night? Well, I thought about calling it... I digress.

But a quantum of solace. I love the James Bond movies. I'm really excited about them. Quantum of solace. Two James. Right under your eye. A quantum of solace. You made me cry. That quantum of solace. A quantum of solace. You made me cry. That quantum of solace

in the quantum foam. Oh, baby, call me. I'm home. A quantum of solace. You really backed yourself into a corner with foam. And then you had to end on when did James Bond ever say call me, I'm at home

you are never in trouble when it's om or e I'm going to stop by the house try to catch me on my landline I'm going to stop by the house for a quantum of solace so what's your favorite going to Sean first

favorite James Bond movie ever out of all 37 On Her Majesty's Secret Service with George Lazenby. Because? Because there's the opening scene. All of it is amazing, but the opening scene, you just see this girl driving through these winding streets.

It's in Spain or something. He's driving along, and then they get to the beach, and then this guy comes afterwards, George Lazenby, but you don't know yet because you're just seeing him from behind. And he's a new Bond at this point. So you don't even recognize the back of his head. They had kept that top secret that they were going to do another James Bond movie.

So people were like, would you like to see this movie? The poster, his face was a question mark. And he just beats the shit out of like five guys with an anchor. That's the opening scene. An oar with an anchor. Like that's the opening scene. An oar and an anchor and some fish hooks and he

just pounds the shit out of them. And he turns around and goes, well, well. And he gets hit in the head from behind and passes out and it's awesome. And that's the theme song in that movie is no lyrics. Boom, boom, boom, boom. Dum, da, da. Oh, that one. Da, da, boom, boom. Dum, da-da.

Oh, that one. Da-da-da-da-da-da-da. Awesome. Telly Savalas, Catherine Schell, who went on to be in Space 1999 as Maya the Shapeshifting Woman. Did she ever. And Joanna Lumley, a young Joanna Lumley is is one of the lovely girls in the weird kind of... You don't say. Yes.

I didn't know that. And the absolutely fabulous lady? Yeah. And the beautiful Diana Rigg is in that as well. And she is hot. Yeah, and spoiler alert, gets shot in the middle of her forehead. Yeah. After marrying James Bond.

It's all right. She's just sleeping. The spoiler came so fast after the alert. Spoiler alert shit to do anything about it. It also came 35 years after the movie was released. That was more like a spoiler notification.

I'm about to spoil this. I love that there's a great bobsled. You will receive a spoiler notification in the mail in the next 6 to 10 weeks. There's a bobsled chase. There's skiing. It's got everything about James Bond. It's got lots of action that is clearly shot.

He's just hanging out in front of a green screen. That's fantastic. But I love that movie. I don't know why. I did like that one quite a bit. Paul, your favorite James Bond movie? With all due respect to O-H-M-S-S, I think

that when I was a kid, my favorite James Bond movie was a Roger Moore James Bond Live and Let Die. That's the first one I saw in the theater. It took place in America and it was so exciting that James Bond was coming to America. Would you mess with this?

Yafet Koto. Yafet Koto. Yafet Koto. No way it rolls in that. James Seymour was looking good. Yafet Koto, I believe. Is that the same one? Yafet Koto, he blows up like a big balloon? Yeah, he just swallows an exploding bullet.

At the end of Live and Die? Spoiler alert, spoiler alert. Of course. There were a lot of them in that movie. Now let's see. Is there a James Bond movie where the villain does not die? No no no Because then I don't have to say

Spoiler alert That's true Technically Blofeld never dies He's always Fine Yeah he showed up In that opening

Pre-title sequence In Diamonds Are Forever No But also in The one where Sheena Easton sings The theme song

For Your Eyes Only For Your Eyes There's that whole long sequence Where that's the only part Blofeld's in Just to be clear, diamonds are forever. They really are. Yes, they are. I don't want people to be confused that you were negating that concept. Unless they get another

diamond. Oh, good point. Then they become tinier diamonds forever. But Fear Eyes Only was the most exclusive motion picture ever made because it was for your eyes only. Really? Yeah. Who didn't have seen that? Only one person saw that movie. Was it me?

It might have been you. It was a strange movie. Topol was in that. Topol, yes. The Smoker's Toothpile. And Holly Lynn Johnson from Ice Castles got her sight back, skated around in a James Bond movie.

She was Bebe Dahl, wasn't she? Yeah, she was playing the same character. Was she the little figure skater? No, no, no. I thought the actress really lost her sight making the movie Ice Castles. The girl from Ice Castles, what are you doing here? That was my favorite line.

Yeah, that was pretty sweet. But Live and Let Die, here's my beef with Live and Let Die. The amount of screen time given to a wacky sheriff was kind of like set the ball in motion for too much humor. Not Beaufort T. Justice, but clearly that was an inspiration. It was because it was around the time of school. But he was bad, right? That was a great scene, though.

The boat chase through the Keys, through the Everglades. Yeah, yeah. Oh, my God. And things, through a wedding, ruins the son's wedding. Right, right, right. And then he appears for a second appearance

in Man with a Golden Gun. What? And he's in Thailand on holiday. No. Are you fucking kidding me? No, I'm not kidding. What a weird choice for a recurring character. And he ends up driving around like

Roger Moore steals the rental car that he's sitting in. He says, what? You didn't want to inspire things again? All right. And they go and they drive out. That's right. It's Aramanga. He does so quickly.

You're right. I don't know. That's what. It's Aramanga. He does super again. You're right. I don't know. That's what I hated about the Roger Moore era. Things were just too stupid. The worst one. The worst one was when the hovercraft goes up on land in wherever they are. Venice, I will guess. Yes.

As a gondola. It's a gondola grows into a hovercraft. Hovercraft. But then it goes on land and those don't work on land. Yes, they do. I think they do. For as long as it takes to get the water in. Wouldn't the rubber part rub across the ground?

It's not a light speeder. It's not actually hovering. It's not five feet off the ground. You've really got to get onto your technology. It's not a Lance Walker. It's a hovercraft that exists in, you know,

it's not a futuristic contraption. It's not a hoverfoil. It's a... No, the thing is, they're devised to do both those things. Okay, maybe then the double take by the pigeons... Well, they're devised to do both those things. With giant whiskers on the front. But I think it's only... they're only supposed

to be on land long enough to get into the water. It's not like, well, now that we're on land, let's just cruise around for a while. Right? I think their primary thing is to be on the water. Could you guys sing this debate? But in that sequence, the hovercraft goes by, and maybe pigeons don't know what you know about hovercrafts because a fucking pigeon

does a double take at the hovercraft going by in Octopussy, I think it was. Pigeons have already accepted cars. Yes. They've got those in their houses. Finally. How many times have you driven

your car down the street and the odd pigeon goes... Yeah. Most of them are pretty blasé about it. They don't do a double take. It's distracting when you're driving. See a pigeon out of the corner of your eye. But not only does the pigeon do the double take, they didn't even train a pigeon to do a double take.

Reverse the film and then make it go forward again. It's awful. Are you sure you're not thinking of the computer who wore tennis shoes? You know what? I'm thinking about the world's greatest athlete, Jan Michael Vincent. You're right. Jan Michael Vincent. White Line Fever.

Yeah. Is that another Jan Michael Vincent star? He's only in movies that have the three names in the title to go along with his name. Jan Michael Vincent. White Line Fever. The title of the movie must be equal to my title, Jan Michael Vincent. So we could put my name under each word

of the title. Even though the first one I suggested, oh, World's Greatest Athlete. There's three. If you don't count the the. World's Greatest Athlete, Jan Michael Vincent. We'll never know. Yeah, we will. I've got the Leonard Maltin book right here.

Sing amongst yourselves while I look this up. What do you know? Leonard Maltin, Leonard Maltin, men have named you. You're so like the lady with the mystic smile. Are you warm? Are you real? Leonard Maltin Or just a cold and lonely

Bearded work of art Leonard Maltin Leonard Maltin That was good. That was good songs. That whole time I was in the back of the book Leonard Maltin. Those are good. Those are good songs. That whole time, I was in the back of the book where they just list names,

and I was looking for worlds amongst James Woods and Joanne Woodward. Going, where's worlds? World's greatest athlete. Where is it? All right, I'm going to find it. It's been struck off the records.

Yeah, I like that movie. John Amos was in it? John Amos is a great actor. Was he in that? Really? Yeah, he was like the coach whose idea was, let's get this white boy that was raised in the jungle to be on the shot putting team.

I've never seen that movie. I've never seen it. You've never seen World's Greatest Athlete? No. John Amos is a great actor. Oh, my God, it's so good. He is a great actor. Started in Good Times. That's right. Brilliant. And then he's Greatest Athlete? No. John Amos is a great actor. Oh my god, it's so good. He is a great actor. Started in

Good Times. That's right. Brilliant. And then he was in Roots. Roots. World's Greatest Athlete. Len Moulton gave it three stars. Hard luck coach. Very generous. He doesn't know anything. Christ. Hard luck coach

Amos, aforementioned Amos, returns to his roots in Africa and discovers Kuta Kinte. He discovers super athlete Vincent. Enjoyable Disney comedy with excellent special effects. Special effects!

How excellent could they be? Did he write this book before the movie came out? This is the next special, I'm presuming. They fed up the camera and made him look really fast. Tim Conway is particularly funny in a sequence where he shrinks to Tom Thumb size. What?

Why would that happen? How could it happen? Because Roscoe Lee Brown, as a voodoo priestess, follows Jan Michael Vincent back to the United States. What? Because he's upset that Jan Michael Vincent is going to an American college and becoming a famous athlete. You're saying? He comes to cast spells on people.

Oh! And he turns Tim Conway, who's the assistant coach, into a tiny person because he wanted to make Jan Michael Vincent tiny and take him back to Africa. Oh! Oh, shit. I don't get to talk about this movie enough. This is exciting. It's my second favorite movie

after The Dark Knight. Ross Gulley Brown plays a priestess? Like a voodoo priestess. That's what you call her, right? A shaman? If you will. If he wears robes, he wears robes.

He wears ladies' clothes. Oh, I get it now. Also, Roscoe Lee Brown, may he rest in peace. Or rest in peace. Very gay. Very gay. Very gay. Holy. Yeah, that's what killed him, ultimately. How gay? On the Kinsey scale, how gay? What's the Kinsey scale?

35 is when you find out you're gay Anyway Okay But here we go Howard Cosell's in it too Because he officiates most college Athletic events He was really big into track and field Amateur sports Oh! Because he officiates most college athletic events He was really big into track and field

Amateur sports Well, when there are super white athletes from Africa, he does Yeah, then he turns up I gotta get in on this one But this is his classic line Now I'm starting to understand why this movie got three stars Like, Len Malton doesn't have his finger on the pulse of humor

at all Cosell's classic line I've never seen anything like this doesn't have his finger on the pulse of humor at all. Cosell's classic line, I've never seen anything like this in my entire illustrious career. That's his hilarious line. I'm not kidding. It's quoted like, that's so funny. Because Howard Cosell was always bragging.

So isn't it funny that they still have him brag about this? Cosell's classic line, I've never seen anything like this in my entire illustrious career. That's not funny in context, much less out of context. How funny could the Tom Thumb thing have been with Tim Conley? It's pretty good because he slides down a straw into a cocktail. Oh, and gets drunk. I don't know if he gets drunk.

It is a cheap rating. It's a Disney movie. Ah, good point. But it was back then when they did get drunk. I bet he hiccups at least. At least hiccups. Alright, we've almost run out of time. Does he put his arms over the side of the drink soaked in booze and go

Does he does it like a little hiccup? Does he have one of these? He has the stuff pitching out of his face. That's a double take. Gigantic pigeon. That's a little hiccup. Does he get one of these? Pigeon out of his face. Gigantic pigeon. A huge double take. It is a delightful sequence.

I don't remember it very well, but it's good. Oh, sweet. When I read it in this book, I was like, yeah, that's right, that was a good part. But all I can remember is Paul McCartney shrinking in help and having to wrap himself in a Wrigley's wrapper. That's brilliant.

Because when he shrinks, when Tim Conway shrinks, his clothes shrink too. Oh. Because most voodoo shaman priestess guys will... Have a sense of decorum. Yeah, yeah. They will not leave you naked when they shrink you. No.

I'm doing this for a reason. I'm not out to humiliate people. I'm just saying, look at how tiny your pants are now, asshole. That's what he says. So I would like to try to get in another song if it's possible

because we've ran out of time to play the Leonard Maltin game. What do you mean? Give us an easy one. We've only got two minutes left. It takes me two minutes to find one. Alright, here we go. I won't look.

Yeah, don't look. Oh, this is good. Here we go. Amy Yazbeck. The girlfriend of John Ritter. Robin Hood, Prince of Thieves. Good guess, no. Estelle Harris. Robin Robin Hood Men in Tights is what I meant No

Florence Stanley Alice Ghostly Rex Lynn J.O. Sanders Mary Beth Peel She played the annoying mom on Dawson's Creek Lisa Waltz I don't know who that is.

Jean Smart just won an Emmy. Like that clue helps. This is an Emmy winner, you guys. Jean Smart. She won an Emmy since making this, if that helps you at all. Jonathan Silverman. And it's not a Bernie's movie. He's made one other movie besides the two weekend at Bernies

isn't it a mannequin film it's not a mannequin film he should have starred in mannequin 2 he should have I thought he did but it was William Ragsdale it went to Ragsdale

of Herman's Rags he took it Barnard Hughes he's an English guy I don't think you guys are going to get this Mr. Merlin the movie Christine Baranski

so good in Mamma Mia. Oh my God. What is this? And now the final two names will kind of give it away. Walter Matthau and Jack Lemmon. Oh, 400 Blows. Is it Grumpy or Old Men?

No. Grumpy Old Men? No. The Grumpy... Buddy Buddy? No. They had a genius idea. When Grumpy Old Men hit, they didn't think, you know what, let's go for two on Grumpy Old Men. They thought The grumpiest grumpy could ever fucking believe? They had a genius idea. When Grumpy Old Man hit,

they didn't think, you know what, let's go for two on Grumpy Old Man. They thought, no, no, no. Grumpier old man? Let's put a deuce

on Odd Couple and make Odd Couple part two. Odd Couple too? Yeah. Oh. Yeah, 1998. That's awful.

I should have given you the year at the beginning, 1998. And only one and a half star, but it does say Jack Lemmon has the classic line.

I was going to try to make something up, but it's not even worth it. I couldn't think of a good way to encapsulate this episode and wrap it up. Ladies and gentlemen, Sean Cullen and Paula Tompkins. Good night. Look for them soon in a comedy club

or on the telly or the Broadway stage. You'll never know. And that's been I Love Movies, and as always, Willem Dafoe is a shithead. Now it's time for another

cocky eyes of gold as Ewing promise makes him cocky. There's no room in his heart for you. Cause Doug loves movies.