T.J. Miller, Pete Holmes, Dan Gabriel, and Graham Elwood Guest
00:00 Doug hates candy wrappers, screaming babies, sticky seeds With 50 azepop or kernels in his teeth There's still not one that he won't see For Doug, Doug, Doug Hey everybody! Holy crap. My name is Doug and I love movies.
00:37 This is Doug Loves Movies coming to you once again from Cobb's Comedy Club in San Francisco, California! Yeah! We did it. You guys are awesome. It's Thursday, April... Did you say we did it? It's Thursday, April 19th, 2 Oceans 12. Merely hours.
01:14 Just four hours from 420. Very exciting. Right after this show, I will be racing over to the punchline to do my second annual Countdown to 420 show where just moments before midnight we will stop the show and count it down New Year's Eve style Dick Clark hologram
01:36 style Yeah It is too soon for hologram jokes Poor hologram jokes. Poor holograms. Why are they getting so beat up when they're so awesome? People die to be brought back, so thank you for that, holograms.
02:03 And then right after we do the countdown, we'll go outside and celebrate. Because smoking is frowned upon in that establishment. Did you guys bring name tags? I see one right there that says, pick me and get a handjob from Tim. Are you Tim? Because that sounds like you're offering up a handjob
02:33 from another person. Wow. Good Brad and the Ugly. Nicely done. There it says Caroline's Box. Or is it Caroline's box Caroline I apologize don't you find that the
02:50 Caroline Caroline divide is the angriest that like when you get that one wrong they're never happy with you she took it pretty well I appreciate it say Ashley has a boom box that she's holding over her head so instead of say anything I get it you Say Ashley has a boom box that she's holding over her head,
03:05 so instead of say anything, I get it. You know I love movies. There's a box of cupcakes. Lots of great name tags. Lisa loves movies. That's Lisa's face instead of mine. Should have figured out a way
03:19 to keep mine in there. No, it's not my decision. The guests that I brought here tonight for you guys to enjoy will be making the decision. There's a George Carlin Class Clown album. Is your name George? Uh. What does it say? I can't see it.
03:39 Rob. Okay, Rob. I asked him a simple question. Is your name George? Oh! Put your sign down. It's not my decision. You want to convince my guests. Like, people bring snacks.
03:59 Like, oh, Doug's going to be high. He'll want snacks. It's not my choice. I bring on a lot of very fit, healthy people. Okay, well, maybe he's here. You guys already figured out who's here. I have a few things I want to say. Yeah, people did tweet. You know, that's great.
04:20 We've got a packed house, so I'm very, very, very pleased with it. For the listeners and for you guys if you're in the la area on thursday may 10th please join me at nerd melt at meltdown comics for uh the benson interruption number 15 with very special guests did you guys see is everybody here seeing cabinin in the Woods? Nice. And did you heed my advice and not watch any of the trailers or commercials? Very well done. Very well done.
04:51 And yeah, you loved it. Of course. It's still good even if you get it ruined. But it's so much fun not ruined. Also, be sure to check out Dining with Doug and Karen in the comedy podcast section of iTunes. It's free. And it's a podcast with me and Karen in the comedy podcast section of iTunes. It's free, and it's a podcast where me and my friend Karen have a meal together
05:09 and talk, so it's a great show if you like listening to people eat. A lot of people will probably be disgusted by that premise. Coming soon, I'm going to do another fake trailer contest on YouTube for a chance to win a guest spot on the show.
05:28 So stay tuned for details for that. And Nashville, Tennessee, someone during the first two shows at Zany's at the end of May will win a seat to participate in Douglas' movies at Zany's on Monday, May 28th. Ooh, ooh ooh similar deal at comedy addict comedy addict in Bloomington I wrote Illinois but it's Indiana I know it's Indiana and Zany's in Chicago which is in Illinois not Indiana all right let's do a spontaneous watch this, not that. So where's Tim? Tim's been here probably the longest.
06:07 Name any movie. The Rain. The Rain, all right. That's going to be a tough competitor. Let's go over here to this young lady, see what she thinks. Name any movie at all, any movie that you like. Say Anything. Say Anything, all right.
06:23 There we go. Watch this, not that. It's a fucking tough one. But the raid is about 30-some floors of a tenement building. The ugliest set you'll ever see in a movie. But oh, the gloriousness that happens on that set
06:44 because a SWAT team needs to fight their way through every goddamn floor. And it's like, some movies have a lot of gunplay, some movies have a lot of hand-to-hand. This movie has hand-to-hand and gunplay in almost equal measure. It's insanely violent
06:59 and insanely awesome. Say Anything is a very cute movie. Watch Raid Redemption not Say Anything. This has been Watch This Not That. Say Anything only has a guy talking about fighting. His only fight scene is with a little child. The raid is really kick-ass. And Say Anything's been a long-time favorite, so good play, young lady.
07:35 That was good. You forced me to make a choice. Call me Sophie. Alright, enough of my yakking. Let's see what's in the prize bag. We've got a CD by one of my guests. It's very funny. We've got a CD by me.
07:52 We've got a Pot the Vote T-shirt that I always like to bring now that it's, you know, there's various places in this country you have a chance to vote for weed in the fall, so I hope you do so. And then, oh, another t-shirt that I'll explain when he gets out here.
08:10 Alright, two of the other, two of my guests tonight think it's, think that you guys will be excited that the prize that they brought, because they forgot to bring their own CDs, that their prize is going to be they're going to hug you. So, I, you know, feel however you want to feel about that.
08:26 And please help me giving a big warm San Francisco welcome to my friends Dan Gabriel, Graham Elwood, Pete Holmes, and TJ Miller! Thank you Okay Yeah Okay
08:55 Alright where do you want to go? I'm comfortable with both I was in the green room And Doug smoked marijuana And I have a contact high That is the ultimate disclaimer. Welcome to the last fucking four years of my life. That is what I'm interviewing.
09:10 I like Pete walking into any social situation saying that, like a boss interviewing him. Hi, Doug smoked weed in the green room and I have a contact high. I'm Pete Holmes. A funny thing to say at a 9am job
09:25 interview is to say, I only smoke when I drink while you're smoking. I think that's pretty fun to get the show started off with a bang. But honestly, I am a little concerned. I am a little concerned that I catch some of your weed vapors. Is that what they call them? No, that's not what they call
09:42 them. Or me. You said it was stevia and activia. Is that correct? Yes, it's a digestive weed. We smoked a lot of activia back there. I got dibs on the bathroom after the show. TJ was already in there taking a massive dump. That's true.
10:03 Confessions of the green room. Doug's high. TJ took a big shit. I had two waters. That's what people in Hollywood call doing cocaine. They said have one water. I said, fuck that! Yeah! Denver!
10:18 Two seconds. I seriously am afraid I'm high. I think I'm high. You can count the amount of time that Pete has on the self-esteem meter. It was, what, a minute before you started doing impersonations? I dipped right into your bucket, friend.
10:35 Because I don't have enough charisma on my own. Denver! You guys want to just do a You Made It Weird and the rest of us will go... Touché, Mr. Pete. Touché. Touché. You guys want to just do a you made it weird and the rest of us will go... Touche! Yeah! Touche! More green room confessions.
10:51 I haven't even introduced you individually yet. Dan Gabriel is here. He's never going to get to speak the entire show. Dan, Graham, let's get Jon Hamm And we'll have them all
11:07 Yeah, see that's funny to me I'm definitely high Yeah, you and one lady in the front row enjoyed that That's my ratio If I can steal one fan from Doug Love's movies Pete's the kind of high Where a police officer who arrested him Pulls over and is like
11:23 You can go, you're fine I can't hear it anymore You gotta get out of my car where a police officer who arrested him pulls over and is like, you can go. You're fine. I can't hear it anymore. You've got to get out of my car. I'm what you call a John Denver high. I just want to sing about sunshine and mountains. Let me ask you guys this. Not a lot of John Denver fans here tonight?
11:40 Let me guys set up asking you this again. Grandma's feather bed? Let me do it a third time. Let me ask you guys this. Grandma's feather bed? Let me do it a third time. Let me ask you guys this. Grandma's feather bed? That's a deep cut. That's right. I know some Johnny D licks.
11:53 Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Doug. For what? I don't even know what the question was oh I want to promote your fucking shows how many people here have listened listen to all five of our podcasts is there anybody that knows see that's nice we have some shared fans sure how many people only listen to me and Graham. Who knows? I just arbitrarily decided, wait, why are you drawing weird lines?
12:29 But yeah, you should check them all out, Dan. This podcast is called The Best Medicine. Graham's is called Comedy Film Nerds. Pete's called You Made It Weird. TJ's is called Cashing In with TJ Miller. Thanks, guys. And I am
12:44 a pothead who remembered all four of their fucking podcast names. Doug Benson! Doug loves movies. You just brought a banana that you wrote CJ on. Yeah, he even tweeted about it. He's like, I'm in line early, the only thing I have
12:59 is a banana, but the peel is gonna be my name tag. So he had a nice meal online, now he's having a beer, and he's got a name tag for you. That's proof that he's high because he ate the banana. When he left the house, it was a banana with CJ on it. He's a boxcar hobo. You split
13:15 a single bean with a mouse tonight. Isn't it strange that it's fun that Doug and you communicated before the show. You're like, I'm using this banana. Doug was like, all right, bring it. And you did. Remember, it's kind of serendipitous. I asked you if you ever thought a caveman took a banana and held it to his penis and made everyone laugh.
13:35 I put that to the group. I kind of feel like we're boys to men right now. We're all in our stools. Can I be the deep voice guy that just explains the song? I will make love to you. Aye, aye, aye. As you've indicated you'd like. Aye, aye, aye.
13:54 Throw your clothes on the floor. Don't panic, I'm also gonna remove mine. Aye, aye, aye. Light the fire! It's more fun to be that guy. What were you doing that whole time? Just being patiently awaiting Doug's continuing hosting. It's not my fault you smoked grass out of an apple.
14:13 What is that? Grass out of an apple? I'm sorry, Mom. Were you guys smoking reefer cigarettes in there? Get off my lawn, Graham. We were grappling. We were grass out of apples Graham brought a Palm Strike t-shirt
14:30 So you guys can win that And Dan brought his CD, Baby for Sale And that means That means, of course, that In addition to the stuff I brought Whoever wins will get hugs from Pete Holmes and TJ Miller. But my hug is going to be more real.
14:56 My hug is going to be longer. Have you ever been hugged by a Tempur-Pedic mattress? That's about to happen for one of you lucky people. mattress. That's about to happen for one of you lucky people. And also, while we're hugging and embracing, I'll whisper in your ear a code to download Impregnated with Wonder, my album, for free.
15:11 Oh, that's nice. So suck my caveman banana dick, Graham. And I guarantee a caveman did it, and that man was our leader for two decades. I don't know why we're all not laughing and clapping. That seriously confused
15:28 me. In my mind, it was like... That's your mind all the time. I'm a stadium being like, go Pete, you're gonna do it. This is Pete Holmes on oysters, wine, and secondhand weed. Oh my God.
15:47 You were so easily fucked up. And he had his shirt up like this the whole time. He had his shirt up over his nose. I kept waiting for him to rob the train. I had my butt up the whole time. You had your shirt over your face. Oh yeah, I was trying to filter it.
16:06 It didn't work. Now I'm just high like a yuppie. That's all I am. I'm an LL Bean kind of high. I'm the kind of high you can return for 30 days
16:14 no questions asked. You're the kind of high like if you smoked weed and tied. But tied color safe. Let's not get crazy. I really like the game I saw 21 Jump Street but it didn't swell smell like watermelon cuz that's gain smells like
16:42 watermelon now and I love it like I want want to drink it. It smells so good. But it's, you know, laundry detergent. We're not at the point yet where I ask you about what movies you saw, but also didn't you say that on the last one that you were on? Uh-oh. No way, man. I never
17:02 go on any podcast but this one. Doug loves movies. That's real. TJ, you were a guest on my podcast but this one Doug loves movies that's real TJ you were a guest on my podcast yeah you were on mine too guys shut the fuck up please and all you wanted to talk about was 21 Jump Street this is bullshit Douglas you did an impression of everyone
17:21 from that movie on my podcast you re-read the whole script I still feel like anyone not laughing isn't picturing a caveman with a banana. Like, I mean, that's kind of your fault. I can't help you if you won't take a moment. What is he wearing, a loincloth that's tattered? He's been chasing food all day. And then you're all tired and he takes a banana and does that.
17:41 No one's ever seen it before. And then he's mauled by a mountain lion. Well, do you get like a nice monthly check from the government for dwelling on things? I set him up, Doug. You knock him down. Yeah, we're doing what we do, guys. We're having a lot of fun with friends.
18:05 People, if you haven't heard it yet, listen to the it's a $2 episode. I'm sorry to have you over a barrel because I get so mad at Pete on that last episode we did together in Portland. The whole time I was thinking,
18:21 and I'm going to do another one with him and T.J. Miller at the same time. Don't listen to him. We had a lot of fun. God give me strength, I said. And God was like, nah. He was busy with floods and famine. You were a little bit like an angry dad
18:39 taking your belt off like you're going through security at the airport, ready to give me the business. That is the best time to beat your child. If you don't calm down, the next time we go to the airport, you're going to get it. Because my belt will be off anyway. I might as well do something with it.
18:56 You're a magical man to go to Hawaii on Thursday. You can't see it on a podcast, but we hugged because Doug's a champion of comedy. Then you gave away your hug. Did you whisper your fucking download code? Did you whisper your download code into Doug's ear so now I can get your CD? I did. He whispered something in my ear,
19:17 but I think it was a room number. That'll also get you the album. Talking about sex, folks. You'll see my classic banana dick bit, and then I take a hard right turn into real intercourse. With Pete receiving. Of course. Of course. It's great to be here, guys. So, TJ,
19:48 I enjoyed your work in the trailer for Making a Friend for the End of the World. I'm excited about it also. Seeking a friend for the end of the world. Oh, seeking. Making a friend. I bet you, spoiler alert, making a friend is...
20:02 It is a spoiler alert. They end up being friends. But making a friend for the end of the world would be great. Hey, let's be friends. Okay, now let's just wait for the death. But yeah, seeking a friend for the end of the world. What is that?
20:18 It's a movie about Steve Carell and Keira Knightley are, you know, I guess they make friends. When they just come on the news and say the world is definitely going to end in like X number of days. Like 60 days or 30 days or something. And TJ in the trailer works in a TGI Fridays kind of establishment. Where apparently they think since the world is ending, we should fuck the customers. Bullshit.
20:44 It's the only, it's the last bastion. You know people that have to work at TGI Fridays? You've worked there most of your life. It's your family. And that's what we at this TGI Friday style place, it's called Friendly's, trademark. But yeah, it's a guy who's on ecstasy at all times
21:01 and he's like, have you ever had a martini that's also a hamburger? Why not try it? It's all going to be over soon. This is a good time for Pete to do his TJ impression. Say welcome to Friendly's. Welcome to Friendly's, yeah! Denver, what is happening right now?
21:22 What is the status? I'm in movies the saddest part of that is imagining him in his hotel room alone at the end of the night reliving the whole show but just in front of him going status get in there
21:39 and then they all were like what are you, the best? That was incredible. We drove here to the airport with me, you, and your girlfriend, and the whole time I was like, what's up, sex? Yeah! I'm gonna ejaculate, what is happening?
21:58 And we did, and we did. Why do you move the microphone away from your face when you do an impression of him? That's the one thing that's? He talks right into it. It's too loud for my taste. That's the one thing. Oh, no, you hate me? No, I was laughing.
22:15 Oh, I thought that was a fake laugh. The worst heckle is a fake laugh. No comeback for that. You suck is kind of worse than that. Kind of. Like, at least they're laughing. Yeah, you suck. You can just say,
22:30 knock the dick out of your mouth where you work. I don't know what to do with hecklers. I'm saying it in the wrong order. You knock the dick out of work in your mouth. I don't come to where you knock dicks out of my mouth and call you a stand-up. Huh? Brian Regan, ladies and gentlemen.
22:52 The big yellow one is the son. No, that's the one. I do a character called Filthy Regan, which I just go, are these my fucking glasses? They used to call them Fat Reagan in Chicago. I call it goddamn
23:07 cup of dirt. It's a motherfucking cup with cock-sucking dirt in it. You should move the fuck on, Gaylord. Sorry about that, Gaylord San Fran. Sorry about that, Gaylord. I'm very gay-friendly. I can't believe a good percentage of you were
23:23 offended by Gaylord. we're in San Francisco idiot no but it's such it's also a name and in that scenario that was that man's name I can't imagine I can't imagine
23:34 a gay guy being like what'd you say Gaylord well I guess that is a name go about your business I'll continue not whooping your ass. The character's called Filthy Reekin.
23:50 But you also said you didn't like Gaylord two seconds after, they didn't even have a chance to register what you said. And you were on to how much they didn't like it. So I was butt fucking, oh, you're offended. I offended myself, Douglas.
24:07 You know what's weird? When you said for his movie there were only 60 days left in the world, my first thought was you could only do two-thirds of P90X. That was my first thought.
24:18 Bring it. That's the weirdest kind of thing. I've got to do two days in one day. Two days, double sessions. That's how you want to go out. You want to die in prison strength. Yes.
24:31 You just fucking fight the comet at the end. Whenever asteroid. Come at me, motherfucker! Riffing bits never leave a comic behind. Row. Quality. What are you doing? Do I come to the dick
24:50 work where you factory when that's your job working cock? Oh my god, this is so much fun. This should be a medical study because Pete Holmes Pete Holmes has had alcohol and no weed. Graham has had no alcohol
25:06 and no weed. Dan Gabriel's had maybe both but definitely weed. I've had weed. TJ's had weed. Who is the most ridiculous person on this panel? The person who has only had alcohol and fish.
25:23 White wine, guys. It'll take you where you want to go. That's the perfect ad with just your face. Alcohol and fish. Fucking fish sticks, bitch. Fucking parrot. Salmon. Fuck you.
25:45 My water. Oh, fucking sushi. Nice banana. Boom. Cavemanbanana.tv Do I come to your Cavemanbanana factory when you're working?
26:03 Yeah, I do? Okay, thank you. And then he leaves. Thank you. Yeah, you stop by from time to time at the caveman banana factory and you're like,
26:10 hey, you're working. I won't bother you. Sorry. Come to my show tonight. He's kind of a more punch in, punch out type of guy. This show is invigorating.
26:21 Shut up, Dan. Jesus. What the fuck am I doing here? Dan, shut up. Dan will Jesus! What the fuck am I doing here? Dan, shut up. Dan will die. He's crazy. Love it!
26:33 Even if you don't listen to it, everyone listening to this, download Best Medicine, Dan's podcast, just once. Even if you don't have time to listen to it, I just want the numbers to spike. Thanks, Doug. You're welcome. I appreciate it. It's Comedians Giving Advice.
26:48 I have comics on and they bitch about their problems and then we solve the listeners' problems. Check it out. It's good. Doug's been on it. I had a bunch of cool people on it. I was on it. All these guys should be on it. I don't know. Have you guys on it if you'd like to? Did you just say you'll never have us on it? No, I'd like to. I'll give you a piece
27:04 of advice. Don't give Pete Holmes any marijuana. Don't smoke it even near me. Even if I look like Jesse James. And we were even blowing it out the window and it still affected you. He said I looked like a train robber, so I ate a seed. I think people thought you meant Jesse James
27:21 is a porn star, right? Yeah. In the past, it was a person from Western history. Jesse. Yeah, Sandra Bullock's fucking porn fucking husband. The ass-ass-in-ation of Jesse James. Are we playing that game yet? The ass-ass-in, like in the ass-nation of Jesse James. that game yet? The Ass Ass In,
27:45 like in the ass, Nation of Jesse Jane by the coward Cockford? I don't know. What game is that? That's not one of my games. That's the porn version? Porn version.
27:57 Oh, okay. Take a bath in Pete Holmes' mind right now. Calgon, take me away. Take a bath in Pete Holmes' mind. his mind right now. Calgon, take me away. Take a bath in people's minds. Just get a portable DVD player and watch Yogi Bear
28:13 in the bath of people's minds. Good things come in bears! Good things come in bears! How do those bears look so real and the actors so natural responding with them? Good things do come in bears
28:30 is how I climax. I love it. A talking baby and a man who talks to bears and a guy who humps sushi and Dan. I also hump sushi. Oh, I'm sorry.
28:46 I'm sorry. Finally, a theme song for the guests. I've always wanted to have a theme song for the specific guests. And now we've done it. We're really doing it. What do you guys think? We got about five minutes left? How are we doing on time?
29:03 You guys doing all right? We love you. Is this better or worse than you expected? Oh, good. Stan Fran, we appreciate your patience. One quiet, dissatisfied man in the back. Words. Excuse me, Doug.
29:19 I'd like to vote worse. The big yellow one is the goddamn sun. That sounded like Regan goddamn son again that guy Brian Reagan when I'm at a little bit high I sound like Brian Reagan apparently or all when you're a little bit high you can't be high at all that's true saddest admission of not being I smoked marijuana once I smoked your joint cigarettes I get really embarrassed specifically no you weren't there but not being hot. I smoked marijuana once. I smoked your joint cigarettes. I get really embarrassed.
29:46 Mine specifically? No, you weren't there. But whenever I do, whenever I, whenever I... Did the story involve a movie in some way? Yes. Okay.
29:54 Nope. I always have a really cliched reaction. Like I get the munchies and then I'm embarrassed. I'm like, real original, Pete. Like I locked myself
30:04 in the bathroom and ate four hot dogs. Oh, I get that. I'm like, real original, Pete. Like I locked myself in the bathroom and ate four hot dogs. Oh, I get that. That's code, right? Me and my friend Gaylord. I got so high, I sucked off four dicks in a men's room
30:21 at a gas station. I'm so high. I don't know what to do. All these oysters. Wow, double glory hole. Double. Oh. Too vigorous. Be gentle. So hot.
30:34 Get that cum out of you. Get it the fuck out of you. Get the cum out of you. You're miming, chafing handjobs. Mime with care. There are ghosts that came in for that moment and they were like, finally, some relief from haunting this space. And you gave them a bad H.J.
30:51 Too much knuckle! Too squeezy! Take off the rings! In general, leave your nails out of this! In general? leave your nails out of this. In general, it tickles. This hurts me, and I don't have a head. Because they were beheaded.
31:16 Oh, what, you're offended? Oh, my goodness, people in the audience. What are you, a bunch of gay lords? People named Gaylord. Back off. Back off. Back off. Let me ask you this, Pete. This question is just for Pete, you guys.
31:32 I want to see if he's improved since we were on AM Northwest. Yeah, last week. Carbonite. Yeah, AM Northwest. Fucking morning TV in Portland let's fucking do it but what was your answer when they said what was hard hand solo frozen and
31:50 what'd you say would you buzz in and say very we've been through the airing confidently yes thermite but I bring that up because it's not the dumbest answer it's it's adjacent to the dumbest answer. But thermite is mentioned in a movie. It's mentioned in a motion picture called The Rock. It takes place here in San Francisco. There it is, Alcatraz. They use it to blow up Alcatraz, yeah.
32:20 Thermite plasma. We don't like Alcatraz? I went to the toilet. No, they love it. They go out every day and sit in a fucking cell. I went on the tour of Alcatraz, and this was the most fun dad joke I've ever made. I didn't enjoy it, and I was like,
32:35 well, I guess you had to be there. Come on. If I lived in San Francisco... Who says come on when they haven't even laughed or not laughed yet? I could feel in the room they were like nope if i if we are not pre-ordering a laugh on this one i understand you guys we're not gonna pizza track a laugh if i lived in san francisco i would be proud of alcatraz anybody who came to
32:58 the city to visit me i'd be like hey you seen that movie the Rock? You did? Look behind you. That's The Rock. All right, come on in. Let me help you with your bags. Did you see that TV show Alcatraz? Oh, you didn't? Okay, sorry. But what about Prison Break? It was nice meeting you.
33:18 All right, well, imagine that. So someone named Hill Aaron Us. So it's like the word, name Aaron in the middle of hilarious. Hilarion Us. I like it. He's the one that... Hitler Anus? Hill Anus, yes. Hitler Anus. He's the one that pointed out to me that
33:38 Thermite was mentioned in The Rock and that Pete is not as dumb as he seems. Thank you, Hitler Anus. Oh my god, it's so close to Hitler's birthday, you guys. The countdown is about to begin. But we're gonna do it in German!
33:57 But let's start... You fucking moan, you cocksuckers! I heard enough of that goddamn moaning. She's doing a Pete Holmes skit. You should have done a Pete Holmes skit. You should have done a Pete Holmes skit. We're going to do it in German.
34:08 Come on. What's wrong with this audience? Let's start with Dan. We'll start with Dan and just go down the line. Have you been to the cinema lately or home video? VOD, if you will. I went to the cinema lately? Or home video? VOD, if you will. I went to the cinema a couple weeks ago
34:29 and I saw Casa de Mi Padre. Oh! How was that? I have not seen that yet. It was sort of like a test of, let's see if Will Ferrell can make funny out of fucking nothing. And how did he do?
34:47 He did. I mean, like, he did. But it's 90 minutes of it. It should have been like an SNL sketch. It's hard to put those out in theaters, though. Yes, it is. I mean, who saw it? See, that's the problem, though, because we all do.
35:02 What did you think? I mean, it got some solid laughs, but there's no English throughout the whole thing. It's almost like he had a bet with somebody, like, yeah, I'll fucking do a whole movie in Spanish. Watch me, bitch. But I feel bad because we all knew that it was a cool idea, and we all know that Will Ferrell is funny,
35:22 and then none of us went to see it. So he tried this really interesting thing and I didn't go to see it either. I'm also an asshole. But he tried this cool thing and then we were all like, that's cool, we should see that. And then we didn't see it.
35:35 So now Hollywood's like, fuck a bunch of Will Ferrell and they're like, Adam Sandler, do what you want. Continue doing, Adam Sandler, as you want. Continue doing as Adam Sandler as you were. A movie in English? I gave it a try.
35:54 But it's both things. I'm not saying I have a Sandler. That's him. What is that? Shut up! Oh, that's good. No, they think
36:02 you're shutting me up but that was your impression. Very good, Doug. Very good. Not bad. Giving myself a B-. Fair enough. Graham Elwood? I just saw this cool documentary called The Island President about the president of the Maldives, which is... There you go.
36:26 No, I'm sorry. No, no. I got all fucked up. We went to go see Lockout and I fucking set someone on fire. It was awesome. I did ball grips and then I fucked someone. No, I went and saw The Island President, which is a cool movie about how the world's dying and this country's going to be underwater
36:41 soon. What, do you guys hate fucking islands? Fuck you! Oh, sit down. The listeners are gonna think that was me, Teej. Teej. Teej. Exxon Maldives?
36:58 That's all I got. But what's it called again, Graham? It's called The Island President. It's a good documentary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's called The Island President. It's a good documentary. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It's an important subject. I was just goofing around. Yeah, where'd it go?
37:11 It's all going to be over soon anyway. Yeah, poor guy's the mayor of an island that's going to sink. Like it's not going to? He's mayor. Poor guy's on city council of an archipelago that is a lot of, there's a lot of wind. There is a surplus of land. I keep downgrading the importance of everything. Poor guy's an alderman at a...
37:37 I got no more island ribs. I saved the island. I like that. Is that, is your name Woody Allen? Is your name that? I like that. Is that Woody Allen? Is that Woody Allen? I can't do it. Sometimes Woody Allen does say that. We gotta save it.
37:53 It's gonna be underwater. What are we gonna do? We never get to go to the Maltese. Adam Sandler, what are we doing here? Ah, save the island? Get the fuck out of here. It's crazy. Some might say that shit is crazy.
38:12 That was fun. That was the highlight for me. Up here. Up here. There it was happening for reals in his head. Pete, you're a funny man laying down the rips, gonna bust around some riffs and do some accents. Tonight you got crazy voices
38:30 and big wacky teeth. One of these days you're gonna be at your feet thinking we will, we will beat hope. Dream come true. There is not enough freestyle set I can! Dream come true. I'm all truly there is not enough
38:46 there's not enough freestyle set to Queen. Not nearly. Yeah. Graham, I thank you for that. It's like we just all that beat is slow enough
38:58 for a white man to think. Yeah. It is the best riff riff beat you could ever do. Oh my God, Doug. That's the funniest thing in the world. That was laser-edged. How funny is that?
39:12 That would help for a white man to think. Because that's why I don't get into the rap game. Don't have fast brain. I think we still have Pete. Have you told us what you've seen recently? I saw Jeff. We don't care! What'd you say?
39:37 What'd you say? Going somewhere. What did you see, Mr. Holmes? You've reached a limit. Have you been to the cinema, Mr. Holmes? If you're doing drugs at home listening to this, you've made a great decision.
39:57 You have tied it perfectly. I like wearing black, but it shows dandruff so easily. Mr. Butter. Is this Sidney Poitier? No!
40:15 Do you intend to steal from me and give to the poor Mr. Hood? If you're listening at home, I'm confused also. And I'm here. I'm in it. I can't think of any Alan Rickman movies.
40:36 Nice suit, Mr. Takagi. What is it? Die Hard, bitches. Die Hard? Die Hard, bitches. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. Ah, bitches. Die hard. Die hard, bitches. Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker. Yes. Motherfucker.
40:51 Hans, boobie. I'm your white knight. Not bad. We're having fun. I haven't seen a movie in 10 years. No, I saw Jeff Who Lives at Home. That was pretty good. Yeah.
41:04 I like that. Took place almost 99.9% not in his home, which I thought was great. But it was a lot of Jeff, though. That's why I hated it. False advertising. Jeff Who Goes Outside with Ed Helms. Better title.
41:20 I don't want to go see a movie called Jeff Who Lives at Home and I don't even see his house a lot. Susan Sarandon's still looking, you know, pretty good. I'd hit that. Mr. Bonner. Bonnerus erectus. I'd like to stick it in your quidditch. I'd hang out with me. I don't knowidditch. I'd hang out with me.
41:47 I don't know about you. I would hang out with me. People love everything that you do. And usually that's the case. Just him hanging out with him. Yeah, this stuff doesn't work one-on-one so much. The ladies in the bars aren't that into what you like to play Quidditch.
42:10 It works in the shower. Soaping up the armpits, Mr. Holmes. Mr. Holmes. These girls are living their lives. They are going about their business. I'll get the next one. Soaping up your genitals, Mr. Miller.
42:32 You already said what you saw. I saw 21 Jump Street. 21st. I thought it was really good. I thought there was a lot of exposition in the beginning. It's super fun. Super fun.
42:42 Why fun? It's consistent jokes. People were like, I didn't like the explosion gag. I thought that was Super fun. Why fun? It's consistent jokes. People were like, I didn't like the explosion gag. I thought that was really funny. I thought that was funny too. I thought they kind of took a nod at themselves
42:51 but they weren't like, nudge, nudge. But they did sort of make fun of themselves. They took a nod without a nudge? Yes. Also,
42:57 a wing, no nudge. Tanning, is that a nudge? A nudge-less nod. Tanning? Tanning? Tanning? Tanning?
43:02 Tanning? Tanning? Flanning? Flanning Statham. Flanning Statham, not planning Jada was not a snake tanning change any she planning planning stay them planning stay some Irish superstar charring play them is very James really fun he was very funny Claire's good like horn he was really funny Rob Riggle Rob Riggle. Rob Riggle. Rob Riggle. Very good. Super funny. Johnny Pemberton was in it. Very, very funny. Yeah, Johnny Pemberton, no colon. True.
43:30 Why would you say that on a podcast? Where else am I going to say it? To random people on the street? That point taken. Hey, Johnny Pemberton, no colon. Sorry, I thought you were a podcast. Well, I'm wearing the shirt, yeah, but I'm also a person.
43:49 I thought you were a podcast. Oh, man. I mistook you for a podcast, that's why I talked for an hour and you weren't interested. You should really listen to Doug's episode of You Made It Weird. I talk for 99% of it.
44:09 It's really great. I say stuff. No, I know. I was trying to join in on making fun of me, but it didn't work. It didn't work. It didn't work. We had a much better give and take on that
44:18 than we have on my show. That's true. Yeah, yeah. Holding a banana by your genitals. Caveman style. Mr. Caveman. Holding a banana by your genitals. Caveman style. Caveman! Like a caveman. I watch the entire audience,
44:32 including these girls who love everything I do, decide as a collective, that's one too many. Watch it, John Ritter. One too many. We're not going down that path with you now. Right, I think.
44:50 Oh, it's back? It's back. Don't worry, guys. It's back. That joke is McRib. It's back. Oh, crap. Oh, my God.
45:04 From the touchdown. Slow it down so a white man can rip. Thank you. Honey, you're a baked ham sitting in the driveway. Gonna be a tasty Easter dinner someday. Got ham on your plate. Big mistake.
45:28 You need to get some wine before the show. We will, we will Pete Holmes. The new album. If only we could, Pete Holmes. Thank you for not chanting back.
45:48 No, they're the best audience ever. Pete, the next time you're wondering what's going on, there's a nice row of people, a murderer's row of people back there that have lights directly on their faces, and whenever you speak, they don't move or smile. And if you would just watch that to judge what's going on with your performance.
46:07 Let's see if their shoulders wiggle. That'll guide me home. That'll guide me home. Just look at them, and if they're not into it, fucking bail. The problem is, these girls, who are the opposite of the Muppet old men, are in my periphery.
46:22 They do love everything. They do love everything. You mean you wouldn't fuck love everything they mean you wouldn't fuck them what's that you mean you wouldn't fuck them well I'll build men on the Muppets I know I'd fuck those come on it's you kidding me I would fist them Piss King joke on Thursday. Boom, boom, boom. People listening to this are going to be, what? Oh, shit. You were almost as loud as us.
46:55 We weren't talking about you. We were talking about old puppet men. And I forgot to see... Hey, Pete, this was the number one thing I yelled at you about in the last episode. This isn't the time for crowd work. There's no reason for you as a guest to start talking to specific audience members who aren't mic'd and engaging them in some sort of back and forth.
47:16 Do that during your stand up. I think I'm hearing you. It makes me look so good. I love it. It really is. You're like the well-behaved one when Pete is here. It's the best. I gotta get Jeff Garlin on with you guys,
47:31 and then I will love you both again. All right. Seriously, is anyone here going to grad school in the crowd? Round of applause. Doug, didn't you think it was a consistent comedy? Did you like all the gags? What did you think of 21 Jump Street?
47:47 Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Thanks for bringing it back to movies. Instead of our own personal battles and demons. Are you looking at your phone, Pete? I was making sure it wasn't them heckling me via text. The illuminated road does not like it. Stop doing Alan Rickman.
48:05 It died four jokes ago. Pete gives his number out to everyone as they enter. Just let me know. Give me constant feedback. People are just texting him. How do you spell it? That's Pete's hashtag for every tweet he's ever done.
48:24 I enjoyed Children of Jump Street a lot. Yeah, I mean... It's very... It's the best... I've said this before, but it's the best adaptation of a TV show I didn't like that I've ever seen. I had heard that they had the idea
48:39 and then they realized it was close to 21 Jump Street, so they attached the name. But either way, you kind of feel like the movie works with or without 21 Jump Street. I am sick of I think that would have been a great case of like, let's just make a movie that's similar. Like, why does everything have to
48:53 be a remake? Like, now Vince Vaughn's gonna do Rockford Files. Kids don't give a shit about Rockford Files. And old people like me do. So just make a movie that's similar. A guy, he can live in a trailer and solve crimes. You don't have to use the name of an old thing anymore. The executives that have the money are scared.
49:12 They're like, well, this is working. They just see other things working. Seriously, what person here, what person in this room tonight has seen the TV show Rockford Files? No one. You're all nerds, though. They're fucking, they go home, they're like,
49:29 Downton Abbey is amazing. No, it is. Yeah, no, no, seriously, you should watch it. People say it's good. It's good. Joe Santo's amazing? Everyone, God, the fucking Lieutenant Chapman's is like, Rockford, he gets busted one time,
49:43 he's like... I don't think we're talking about Downton Abbey anymore. We're talking about Rockford Files. I think we switched. Yeah, he just brought up another show. Fuck that. And then you went, that's so great the way Joe Santos,
49:54 there's no one named Santos involved in Downton Abbey. I can't even pronounce it. Downton Abbey. Downton Abbey. Because whenever I see it in print, I'm like, you're fucking misspelling downtown,
50:06 you goddamn Abbey. You downtown. You goddamn Abby. You look like Gilbert Carolla. Dear Abby, stop fucking up the spelling. I'm talking to the guy who looks like Gilbert Carolla. I don't know why we're all not like that. Gilbert Gottfried and Adam Carolla got a baby? I've heard those. I've heard fucking back in the day. I used to hear Peter Brady.
50:26 Peter Brady, yeah. What? Who? I think she just started a game of tag. She went, I'm it. She runs. She skedaddles. Thank you.
50:39 If she's it, she'd be, well. It's not be, well. Let's not talk about it. Does anyone hunger for games? Hunger Games! Time for a little build-a-title. Aw, shit. We'll start with Dan, then go to Graham, then Pete, then TJ. Thank you all that are listening.
51:08 Low stakes. Doesn't matter who wins, other than you get to go first in the Linder Ball game. I try and riff so long because I don't like the game. He's scared. That's all. You riffed an impressive amount. We're
51:21 about 40-some minutes into the show. I like that. So well done. Let's build that title. If you want to sit out the games, that's cool. Don't tempt me, Doug. No, I like build a title. Let's go.
51:39 Coward. Alright, Dan Gabriel. Coward. Someone whose Twitter name is State of Denver. Yeah! Finally! That's his Twitter name.
51:53 Suggested runaway jury. Oh, what? I'll pretend I know what that means. Runaway jury. So, Dan Gabriel, can you add to runaway jury either something before runaway jury so Dan Gabriel can you add to runaway jury there's something before runaway or something after jury runaway jury duty yeah very well done I was thinking somebody might say jury guarding Henry, but jury duty is a great answer. So we go to Graham Elwood.
52:27 She needs something that begins with duty. Or begins with run away. Run, Lola, run. Run, Lola, run away. Run, Lola, run away. Nice. Run, Lola, run awayaway jury duty so pete this is a movie right i'm so bad at this sometimes i say video games yeah logan's run yeah logan's run baby run find your Baby, run. Find your keys. The car's in fire.
53:05 Wait. Quit while you're ahead. Okay. So now you need something that ends in loge or logan's or begins with duty. You guys ever seen that movie Galo again? Me neither.
53:27 Logan's runaway jury duty calls. Who's in duty calls? Robert Duty. And Judy calls, motherfucker! Oh, I like that movie! I made it alone in Pete's bedroom. He got an album. He got an album.
53:53 That was a pretty deep callback. Didn't work. Okay, so TJ's out. Why? We go to Dan. You'll be back in soon. Don't worry about it. That's baloney.
54:02 There is a movie called Judy Calls. Who's in it? Everybody, Doug. Almost everybody who's open. You'll be back in soon Don't worry about it That's baloney There is a movie called Duty Calls Who's in it? Everybody Doug Almost everybody Oh it's a Gary It's a Gary Marshall movie It's being true Jessica Biel
54:13 Just a bunch Jamie Foxx George Lopez Jamie Foxx is in it That's true Alright Dan Blaze a lovable gangster You got anything
54:22 that begins with duty? Alright Duty Okay so Duty We're at Logan's Four hands in Logan's Dan. Place a lovable gangster in a lot of hands on duty. Um, alright. Duty. Okay, so, duty. We're at Logan's.
54:29 Four hands in Logan's. Run, Lola, run, jury, do, teen, wolf. Yeah!
54:38 If I had known the back of my mouth I would have done it. So Graham, you need something that ends in Logan's or begins with wolf. Wolf fin. Wolf fin, nice. Just in nice just added yeah you just add an EN to it wolf in yeah Albert
54:51 Finney was the star of that so we go to Pete okay wolf anglish patient wolf English patient does anybody really pronounce it anglish patient yeah you didn't let me do that last time because I had the movie, it was Ed, I think, and I said, no, no, what was it? Confused Ed or something like that. Yeah, it was something like Dazed and Confused Ed. Let's try again.
55:13 Let's try Wolf and... And... And... And... And... Use the actual N sound. And then there were none. Agatha Christie's classic thriller.
55:28 And then there were none. That is a movie. All right, you're out. You're out. You're out. I'm out? Yeah, you're out. I will proudly be out, and everyone will know.
55:39 Don't worry, Pete. Let's go home and watch The English Patient. Leave me a gloom. Dan, what do you have? Both N. Gloom. N. What's the beginning again?
55:55 Logan's. So that's N in Logan's, but I think N. I can think of three already. English Patient was already done, though. N. And Then There was already done, though. And? And Then There Were None is also taken. Duty Calls is a real movie.
56:14 Alright, so Graham gets the point on this one. And Justice for All. There you go. That's Wolf and. That's Wolf and. Wolf Endangered Species would have been fine. And there's a few others That's Wolf and. That is an album. That's Wolf and. That's Wolf and. That's an album. Wolf Endangered Species would have been fine. And there's a few others.
56:28 Oh, and. And, yeah. Yeah. Wolf Enders game. And. I guess I wasn't clear when I was going, and. I heard your fucking stroke and you're not getting it. All right.
56:38 Let's, so, so Graham got the point on that one. So we'll start with you, Pete. Fuck. Hey, I won last time. Oh yeah, we'll see if you'll win this time. What is that, a challenge? How to train your dragon! It's harder to do...
56:58 All your income in the last decade! Guys, if you're not going to be with me, then fuck you. Wait. decade! Guys, if you're not going to be with me, then fuck you. You're saying the joke was your fee for Train Your Dragon was my income for the last decade?
57:11 No, E-Trade, baby. It was insane. Drink, sauna, baby! I'm just kidding. If TJ and Pete are on together again, I'm definitely having someone sit in between them. I think that would help a lot together again, I'm definitely having someone sit in between them. I think that would help a lot.
57:28 Okay, I'm ready. That would be an improvement. All right. At the underscore goddamn underscore bat. The goddamn bat suggested the movie Sleepy Hollow. So now you need something that ends in sleepy or begins with hollow or
57:50 parts of those words. You could shorten sleepy to just sleep or hollow down to just low. Pete Holmes. Sleepy Hollow. What is your answer? Sleepy Hollow Down Dirty Shame. Yes, Down, Dirty Shame.
58:05 Yes! Low, Down, Dirty Shame. Nicely done. Thank you. Thank you. Is that ironic? As I predicted. I was begging that as real.
58:14 Thanks, man. Now we go to Graham Elwood. We go to Graham Elwood. Are we going backwards? Yeah, yeah. We turn the order around. All right. So the word, give me the two words again.
58:23 Sleepy Hollow, Down, Dirty Shame. So Sleepy, hollow, down, dirty, shame. So sleepy, hollow, down, dirty, shame. Before you sleep. Okay, so you're out. No, no, he was just about to say what he was going to say. Before you sleep. Before you sleep, I'm going to answer this.
58:46 Before you go to bed tonight, I want you to know. You will tell me eventually. That, you know. Yeah, you're out. Okay, so Dan, what do you think? How about while you were sleeping, hollow? That's sleeping, unfortunately, but I busted when I said it. That's a good guess, though.
59:07 I love Sleeping Hollow. Do you want to try a different one, or do you want to stick with that one? I love that film. Welcome to the man show. I'll stick with that one. You're out. I don't know what's going on, but I don't approve of it.
59:25 I'm doing Gilbert Carollo over here. TJ, what do you think? I think that Graham Elwood is going to kill Beatles. With Sleepy Hollow? Yeah, yeah. Sleepy Hollow down Dirty Shame. Quantum Sleepy Hollow. Shut up. I'm not finished yet. I would watch the shit out of Quantum Sleepy Hollow. Shut up.
59:46 I'm not finished yet. I would watch the shit out of Quantum Sleep. Scott Bakula goes to bed. Is that not? That's low down dirty shame. But he goes to bed as somebody else. Man show. I don't know why you guys are laughing.
01:00:09 I've heard that. Somebody's calling me Graham Cracker. Yeah, but I'm blending two of them. Alright, so Doug, what is it? Sleepy Hollow. What do you mean, what is it? Sleepy Hollow down Dirty Shame. Shameful.
01:00:27 Who's in that? The sane people. That area. All right, Pete gets a point. Pete gets a point, everybody. Pete gets a point. Sleepy hollow down dirty shame. Thank you, Crispy.
01:00:45 I would have added big sleep-y hollow, but it's only a classic science of sleep. Could you have done low down dirty shame mean girls? Shame mean girls? No. Because you don't really say shamey. You know what?
01:01:00 Amos and Andy, I keep thinking of TV shows. I literally did Half-Life, which is a video game, last time I played it. All right, since Pete got the point, we'll start with TJ, and then we'll come down to Pete. And, you know, I'm going to be ending this really soon, so play serious.
01:01:19 I thought we were done. I thought Sleepy Hollow was the Leonard Maltin game. I was like, uh, one guess. Sleepy Hollow? Sleepy Hollow was the Leonard Maltin game. I was like, uh, one guess. Sleepy Hollow? I want one guess. Your hint is the name of the movie. You still haven't gotten it. He still doesn't know how to play it. I don't have it.
01:01:38 One guess. I really should have Brian Regan on the show. What's the difference? Well, one guess. Can you come to the field? I don't know the answer! I can't think of it right now because there's too much pressure!
01:01:54 I walked on the moon! Okay, enough Brian Regan impressions. At Sunshine and Fun Dip suggested. Is there a happier name on Twitter? Sunshine and Fun Dip? I like her.
01:02:11 Might be a dude. Sunshine and Fun Dip. I like him. Rainbows and everything. Now freestyle. The song's too fast. We're starting with TJ. The movie suggested by the Sunshine Fundip
01:02:26 is In the Land of Milk and Honey. Yeah. These are hard ones. I should have remembered who the panel was going to be. And then programmed differently. The movie should have been like... Okay, so read it to me again. And you can't use cereals.
01:02:48 Right? Is that right? In the land of milk and honey, you can't add nut Cheerios. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough.
01:02:57 Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Fair enough. Okay. All right, so you're out. No, no, just listen.
01:03:13 In the land of milk and honey. Listen, listen. Honey. Honey. Honey orbit. What? Honey orbit? You heard me. What the fuck is that? Honey Honey Orbit What?
01:03:27 Honey Orbit? You heard me Eddie Murphy movie Honey Orbit In the land of Bilkin Honey Orbit Honey Orbit
01:03:37 Honey Orbit I'm sorry if I talk in a way like this Honey Orbit Yeah Yogi Bear Yeah Gender Yeah I'm sorry if I talk in a way like this. Mjolbit, yeah. Yogi Bear, yeah. Fender, yeah.
01:03:52 Drink it up. Real juice. Oh, crispy. Can I please have another, I'm just saying this out into the ether, kettle and soda? Guys, enjoy kettle one. Fellas, this is vodka. You seen their ads? They're terrible. Do you guys need anything? Do you need anything?
01:04:13 Yeah, I'll have whatever you're having. I'm good with my white wine. Beatles? You got anything for In the Land of Milk and Honey? I didn't think you did. Graham Elwood? Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. God damn it! You know what? It was between the Unintel Cheerios honey i didn't think you did graham elwynn honey i shrunk the kids god damn it
01:04:26 you know what it was between i told you and i went with my gut huckleberry fan the land of milk and honey i shrunk the kids yeah we've all seen that movie fan the land huckleberryberry Finn. The Han-English patient. Okay, now we're down here to Dan. Okay. Do you have anything for In the Land of Milk and Honey? Huck Finn. Can I just say kids? The movie kids? No, you can't.
01:04:57 I can't have that. Do it. No, you can't, but it's a nice thing to reference, that creepy Larry Clark movie. Alright. Bully is my favorite Larry Clark movie. Alright. Bully is my favorite Larry Clark movie. If I may say so. Yeah, it's disturbing.
01:05:12 Okay. Kids are alright, comma, the. You can't do that. That's why I said it. Yeah, also, it's not your turn. My turn was skipped. What is happening? Oh, shit. Thank you. Jesus. My turn was skipped What is happening? I didn't know you Oh shit, thank you
01:05:27 Jesus The crowd flipped out Doug! Beverage! I thought it was Malkovich with a plastic gun Why? In the light of fire Why did you shoot that duck, you asshole?
01:05:44 Anything, Dan? Oh, that's for me? I'll drink it. If you can't... What's that? It's either... Should I give it to Pete? No, don't give Pete anything. Do you want a drink? I'm stronger. I'm better.
01:06:03 I'm faster. What are you doing now? You're the most fucked up person on this panel. I don't understand it. That was my Nalgabash. You guys, it's just an experience, okay? We're all listening to an experience. Listen to me, fuck face.
01:06:22 Do you have any idea, Frank, how many times I've watched you Walk from that bar It sounds good up here That's still Malkovich Malkovich Fuck you Doug It's a solid Malkovich
01:06:38 It's my brain Remember in being John Malkovich It's my brain These Remember in Being John Doggavish? It's my brain! These liaisons are dangerous. Guys, I can't tell. You always know it, dude. I can't tell if I'm the best or the worst. You always know.
01:07:00 Everyone has a great impression when they're going. I know. Says the name of the movie. We've got more of those. I don't know what you're talking about, but we've got more. Go ahead. Tin Tin. Oh!
01:07:13 I didn't even know you were trying to play this game. I thought you had another line from a Malkovich movie that he didn't say that describes what the movie is. No, I'm sorry. I thought we were still playing the word. Because I have one. I'm about to take over Connie!
01:07:28 I was in the weird... Wait, was it... You guys seen The Rock? The talented Mr. Ripley prequel. No one saw it. There's some sort of... The problem with Tintin is that, Dan, is that there's some sort of...
01:07:45 There's a thing after the semicolon. There's more, right? It's called The Adventures of Tintin. What else? It has more, though, right? That's the weirdest ass sound. It does. It does have more.
01:08:00 Look it up on your phone. Look it up on your phone. The Adventures of Tintin blah, blah, blah. Can I do another one? How about Pulp Fiction? Pulp Fiction in the Land of Honey? I like it. Well, it's fiction.
01:08:15 It's fiction. No, no, no. Absolutely not. That is an alley I've been kicked out of many times for trying to pee in it you can't let him go why not it's just Adventures of Tintin yeah doesn't there's not more to it I think there's more to it I think that's what everybody thought TJ Miller everybody there's so much more to this Who'd you check with?
01:08:47 IMDB? Okay Who'd you check with? He's like Stephen I didn't call him IMDB If you didn't call Stephen I don't know what the fuck you're trying to prove Yeah yeah yeah But I believe you I just thought it had some sort of extra business In the title
01:09:02 Yeah I'm checking it too While Doug checks it We'd like to talk to you a little bit about... Yeah, Pulp Fiction doesn't fly, Dan. I'm sorry. Adventures of Tintin. Adventures of Tintin. But Tintin flies? You didn't even see it. I did not.
01:09:18 You're giving me Tintin? No, I'm not giving you either one. I don't think, but I might have to give you Tintin. Hang on a second. Hang on, you guys. Do you have somewhere to go? Yeah, just take a moment to take a deep breath. Your day is going to be fine ahead of you tomorrow.
01:09:34 Like, who gives a fuck? Feel that. What's another Malkovich quote? In my club, I will splash the pot when I have it okay we're officially accepting adventures of tinted then we go to Graham it's good There's not a lot of movies. The Adventures of Tintin,
01:10:08 The Land of Milk and Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Kids Are Alright. Kids Are Alright, that's right. No, it's The Kids Are Alright. You've never played before. You don't know what we do with the and a, do you? Let's put them right in your butt.
01:10:25 And flack. That's it. That's the comeback. That's the go-to. And flack. You bet it is. Dr. Drew! There you go.
01:10:33 Fucking mashup. There you go. Dan, do you have anything for, uh, that ends in adventures or begins with all right? Or right? I thought of one. I got one. Graham's got one. Pressure's on, Dan.
01:10:53 Wait, what's the beginning? Adventures? That's the end in adventures. Or begin with all right. Or just right. What do you think? Righteous Brothers documentary.
01:11:10 I wish there was a Righteous Brothers documentary. That makes an excellent double feature with duty calls. The Right Stuff. Oh, you did it! Right, but no, is it called the right stuff? We don't use that. We don't use that.
01:11:31 Yeah, we don't use that. Hey, fucking, could you guys just not even participate if you don't get it? Why did you shoot that duck, you asshole? All right, Graham. Pee-wee's Big Adventure! Oh, the land of milk and honey, the kids are all right. That was nice, catching
01:11:53 that jack on the turn. Nice. I love it. So, Dan, you need something that ends in P or Pee-wee or begins with stuff. What do you think, Dan? Better.
01:12:10 Faster. Fuck. Face. Face. It's really hard to concentrate while you're rubbing me. Oh my god, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
01:12:24 I didn't realize that was a thing. That was a classic. You get a back scratch by that? Yeah, that's how the great chess players used to freak each other out. This is a nice back rub while they're trying to make their next move. Bobby Fischer used to give foot massages. That's how he won. Look it up.
01:12:43 Look it up, Rastiv. You got anything, Dan? It's a fucking joke anyway. You come in for it, quickie. You've seen rounders a lot. A bunch of times. So many times. You've seen it a lot.
01:12:56 You keep grinding it out, Kanish. That's noble work you're doing. I love that threshold of quotes where you're like, you've seen that a lot. Because I've seen it a lot, and you're making me look like i've seen it once okay so graham's our winner and um congratulations peewee's big adventures of tints in the land of milk and honey. I shrunk the kids are all right stuff. That's a good one. Yeah, you did good. Everybody did great.
01:13:28 Graham gets to go first in the Leonard Maltin game. Someone in the audience is going to win all these prizes. Gentlemen, pick your name tags. Go find your name tag. There's some amazing ones. Just get up and physically go get whoever you want to play for. If you can leave your microphones on your chairs.
01:13:51 And then go. Because you've got to go deep into the audience. Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes. Pete Holmes. Put your microphone on your chair. And then go silently go pick a goddamn name tag. You don't have to narrate every goddamn thing you do.
01:14:07 TJ, put your microphone down. Look at that. That's a nice one. Graham and I are going to be at SideSplitters in Knoxville, Tennessee on May 3rd. And the Comedy Zone in Charlotte on May 5th. That show's at 420. You'll have a chance to play the Lendermall game against Graham. I'm sorry. Has everybody got a name? Nice. My podcast, Couching In. All right. I should check it out. Let's go one at a time. Let's talk to you guys one
01:14:43 at a time about who you're playing for.'ll start with Dan Dan has a dragon puzzle that says rain of Adam on it which is based on what rain of fire you changed fire to Adam how clever you're a huge rain of fire fan. I love it. I almost always say Adam instead of fire. Yeah, that's why your grandmother died that one night. Adam, Adam, Adam. Get out, Adam.
01:15:21 No one responds. Call the Adam department. House. Room. Do you need a back rub, pal. Graham, who are you playing for? I'm excited about yours. It says, she wrote this whole time, Graham, we have yummy gluten, dairy, and nut-free treats with a catchy phrase
01:15:39 just for you. They're S'morables Graham-style crackers, ladies and gentlemen. Jess loves movies and comedy film nerds give it up for Jess I love you let's eat those hippie food
01:15:53 for me are you gonna eat that shit? I'm gonna eat the shit out of it cause I know none of you will I'm gonna eat the fuck out of it do you not eat gluten? gluten is stupid what do you have
01:16:04 shut you down Holmes what do you have there Pete I have Ashley's you already talked about it but yeah yeah the boombox what you did say Ashley there's blood on the back of it it says I cut myself while making this you so I'm gonna frame you at some crime scenes if that's okay just leave that there why boo what sucks suck dick what I tell you about crowd work okay I'm playing for Holly who wrote a large sign and said Holly! And then not to be outdone, yeah! Yeah! So thank you, Holly. Excitement. Nice work, Holly.
01:16:54 So Dan's playing for Adam, Graham's playing for gluten cookies. Those gluten-free crackers look like they were locked in with a pharaoh. Enjoy a dust cracker. This is what primitive people used to eat. Primitive people were healthy. Gluten's for cool guys.
01:17:14 My poops can handle it. I should make a shirt that says that. My poops can handle gluten. You mean poop, poopin loopin blue glue loopin all right let's play we're gonna start with Graham I put my phone in one of my pockets let's see which one it is winner Graham's playing for Jess and some amazing gluten free treats oh my god those are great
01:17:47 and when I say they're amazing I mean that it would be amazing if they were treats oh wait I'm sorry you need a sip of water after those delicious white crackers that's weird yes turns out the secret ingredient to delicious this whole time was gluten you would need water after any crack or treat Turns out the secret ingredient to delicious this whole time was gluten.
01:18:08 You would need water after any crack or treat, be it gluten or gluten-free. Sir, I retort with one word. Ritz! It's a moist cracker. It's a moist cracker. There's no way you've had more than one Ritz and not needed water, you lying piece of shit.
01:18:27 Нет, нет. Pay him. Pay that man his money. He beat me. Straight up. It's two hours and 37 minutes to 420, ladies and gentlemen. We're close, guys. We can make it together through marijuana.
01:18:44 We can totally make it. We can make it together through marijuana. We could totally make it. Graham gets to pick a category. Would you like the classic Host Protocol? That's movies where someone has a party. Or submitted by Diarrhea Volcano on Twitter. Dawn of the Dead. That's movies where Don Cheadle dies.
01:19:06 Or another favorite. My Five. That's movies where someone plays a flute. For some reason. My Five. I'll go My Five. Oh, wow. Twitter hander.
01:19:22 Bold choice. Those jokes, by the way, are totally McRib. There's some very fast fife playing in this movie. So, good luck. Good luck to Volcano Diarrhea to ever have intercourse. We're going to go to Dan after Graham. And there's two and a half stars for this movie, according to Leonard Maltin. The year is 1971.
01:19:48 Yeah, he calls this movie, he says the lead performer of this movie is enigmatic. Yeah, and he also says that this movie has a cruel edge. And there are seven names listed. and there are seven names listed. How many names do you think you can get this movie that features extremely brief playing of a flute? I will go six.
01:20:16 Might not even be a flute. Six names, he says. Dan. Dan Gabriel from Best Medicine Podcast. Six names. 1971. Seven names total. Graham bid six. Okay.
01:20:32 You have to go lower or say name it. I'll go five. He says five, TJ. No help from the audience, please. Oh, boy. I mean, I'd say name it. And I say that every time I watch a movie
01:20:51 and I see even just the briefest use of a flute. I'm like, I'll never forget this moment. But, you know, sometimes we lie to ourselves, guys. Sometimes we do. All right, so Dan gets five names. All right. Out of seven. This is for you, you Holly that's a lot of names 1971 two and a half stars enigmatic lead performance and it's got a cruel edge and your five names and and people in
01:21:20 the audience are gonna know it so don't don't lose your minds. Don't yell out. Ursula Reet, Michael Bollner, Aubrey Woods, Roy Kinnear, and Peter Ostrom. Oh! Oh! Settle down over there. Dan Gabriel, what's the name of this movie? Is it Darby O'Gill and the Little People?
01:21:50 That's an amazing guess. Oh my God, that's incredible. Probably about 10 years earlier. Still, I love that film. The rest of the names are Jack Albertson and Gene Wilder. And the movie is called Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory. TJ Miller gets a point. You better believe it.
01:22:09 It tastes like a never-lasting gum stopper. It's so weird how you happen to have Willy Wonka hair right now. Hey, no problem, guys. Just don't lick the fucking wallpaper. I'm kicking everybody out of my factory.
01:22:25 What's a snozzberry? What's a nosy little bitch? That's what I would have said if I was really wrong. That's from the Tim Burton version. Alright, well done you guys. Since TJ got the point, we'll start with Pete Holmes and then we'll move
01:22:43 towards TJ. 20 names. I'm sorry, man. So since TJ got the point, we'll start with Pete Holmes and then we'll move towards TJ. Yes. 20 names. I'm sorry, man. We'll start with Graham Elwood and move towards Dan Gabriel. I love it. Table stakes. Another line from Rounders, bitches.
01:23:00 I can't think. He was in Rand. What was that? Look out for that missile. There's an explosion dick bag stop doing Malgovich I can't stop stop with the Malgovich you son of a bitch okay you can You get to pick category, Pete. Okay. Then we're going to TJ. And you get, the options are
01:23:29 one word review. That's a movie where Leonard Baldwin gave it the movie his whole review was one word. Oh, that's an amazing one. Yeah, it's hilarious, but very tough one if you choose it. Then at Blue Sun 2, B-L-U-S-U-N 2,
01:23:45 suggested two-letter movies. That's movies where there's only two letters in the entire title of the movie. Oh, I like that guy. Yeah. Or at UT Chicago, suggested full-blown AIDS. And that's movies where
01:24:03 someone is playing an assistant to someone. UT Chicago is just in his neon right now like, fuck yeah. Totally killed. Which one of those would you like to play it's it full-blown age let's do full money all right somebody's an assistant to someone in this movie that it is he says that some of the supporting actors do nice work yeah, that's the only thing that doesn't give it away
01:24:57 everything else is very giveaway-y so, supporting actors do nice work slick movie from 2006 that has an assistant in it, three stars from Leonard, and five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten names are listed. I'm Leonard Malter.
01:25:12 How many names do you think you can get in, Pete? I'd like to say nice work. Twenty names. That's twice the number that you're... I want each name read twice. I'll say ten names. Ten, he says. It goes to full boat, TJ.
01:25:29 Ten names. What are you going to do with that? And he called it... Nice work. By the supporting cast. By some supporting cast. I'll say name that movie. Yeah!
01:25:40 Yeah! Do it! Name it! Damn it! All ten names? This is going to be so... I knew having the two worst players next to each other was going to create a situation like this.
01:25:55 I refuse to be embarrassed that I won't be able to get it. Here we go. All right, here's your ten names. I'm not even going to give you the fucking clues again because it's so goddamn easy. If you don't get it, Pete. Don't make it worse. We love doing Alan Rickman.
01:26:16 You know what? Just yell it as soon as you know it. I'm going to say the names from the fucking top. Just to get this over with. Meryl Streep. Anne Hathaway don't yell it out Stanley Tucci don't yell it out Simon Baker Emily Blunt Adam Grunier David Marshall Grant James Norton Tracy Toms do you really not know it?
01:26:45 Do you really not know? Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway. Say it. Say it out loud. Put the microphone to your face and say the name of the movie. Point to T.J. Miller! This is the greatest day of my life. When I was a Yogi Bear! This is the greatest day of my life.
01:27:07 That I was in Yogi Bear. Three days. I am so bad. Oh my God. You didn't know that Meryl Streep and Anne Hathaway were in Devil Wears Prada? I saw that movie. He saw it. He saw it.
01:27:25 That's my guess. Your excuse is I'm a man. I saw it! He saw it! That's my guess. Your excuse is, I'm a man, I didn't see it. No. But instead you go with, oh, I saw that. Oh yeah, that was a great movie.
01:27:32 I loved it. I got the DVD in my house. I read the credits every night. I don't know. Of course, I skipped the title. Why would I ever forget that? So TJ Miller
01:27:45 got two points so he's our winner I did it for you because you know what it's like to be imprisoned in a caricature of yourself doing it in person I didn't know who Anne Hathaway was
01:27:59 you should have said Catwoman that's never a thing no one has ever said you should have said Catwoman. That's never a thing. No one has ever said, you should have said Catwoman. Do you want to eat some of the Dead Sea Scrolls? See, that's why I'm on the show and making the rounds. I got a lot of cracker riffs.
01:28:18 So, are we going to give a hug? No, no, that's not her. Holly won. You hold on to that. Yeah, she won, so she doesn't get the name of Shithead. These are, I'm collecting the Shithead. No, no, I know. I'm sorry. I made a terrible mistake. I promise I'll pay for it later.
01:28:34 So give, so you can give, we gotta get, we gotta do it in front of everybody. Holly, could you come up here? Holly, get up here. You gotta collect your hugs in front of everybody. Your bag is dripping. Your bag's dripping. Is it really? Oh, because it was sitting. get up here. You've got to collect your hugs in front of everybody. Your bag's dripping.
01:28:48 Is it really? It was sitting in a puddle. You're telling everyone what hotel we're staying at too. That's weird. No, I'm not. You are. You announce what hotel we're staying at. Pete, go ahead and give her a prize. You guys give her hugs. Come on. Hugs. Come on. Hugs. Pete's hug. Alright. Good hug. Fantastic. prize come on come on hugs pizza now it's time for my price to you
01:29:14 oh my god this is if you had to compare them he's going in for boo. He's getting boo. I think TJ just came. No, but I did at one point into her ear, I just went, hmm. Holly, I hope you enjoyed it. I know I did. Oh, yeah. Did you whisper the code in her ear?
01:29:43 What's that? You said you'd whisper the code in her ear. Oh, Holly seemed to be okay with me not doing that. Wow. She's like, as she's hugging you, I've heard enough from you. Is there a code to block it? Do you ruin your album the way you ruin this show?
01:30:03 The album is surprisingly focused. You interrupt yourself in your own album? I do predict when they'll be offended before they're offended. I recorded it here in San Francisco. Was anyone here? Was anyone at the show? See? They know. It was good. You guys, to love Pete,
01:30:19 you also have to make fun of him knowing that he's not hurt by it. Stop feeling so bad for him. He's fine. Yeah. Look at him. He's a giant Val Kilmer. He's fine.
01:30:32 I'm the worst Batman. I'll be okay. That's right. Clooney! I know. Yeah, I say Clooney. Mostly because of the nipples. Well, they're putting them on there.
01:30:44 Where's Adam at? We need your shithead, Adam. Come on up here. We'll have you write it down somewhere. So good. But that was a good job, TJ. That was very exciting. Thank you.
01:30:55 Thank you guys so much. I've really seen it. Just scribble it anywhere you want right there. Listen if you want to to my podcast, which is Cashing In with TJ Miller, available on iTunes and Nerdist. You know, so many podcasts have different guests, and we
01:31:10 were tired of it. So Cash Levy, the host, interviews me over and over and over again forever on topics that you'd rather not know about, but you wish you didn't. So please listen and let us know if you like it. We thought we'd give it a shot.
01:31:28 Alright, there's Adam, everybody. He was a... Hi, Adam. In the house. Everybody at home, don't feel bad about your work week. You did fine. You tried your best. Didn't you?
01:31:42 These are some of the most specific shitheads. None of them is a person. They're all groups of people. Well, no, that's one person. But anyway, that's the opposite of specific. I hope the Rosa Parks Foundation isn't on there.
01:31:59 And I'm serious. Let's have a round of applause for all of my guests. Thank you. Thanks for putting up with us. Thank you. Thanks for putting up with us, San Fran. TJ Miller, where can we see you coming up or look at your tour dates? Is it tjmiller.com?
01:32:21 Is that a... tjmillerdoesnothaveawebsite.com. Listen to my new podcast, because why wouldn't you? You already listened to this one. And also listen to Graham Elwood's podcast because it's awesome. And I'm also sure that the Giving Advice one will be equally as exciting. I haven't yet heard it.
01:32:35 But Pete Holmes' podcast is a pile of dick shits. And that's actually when a human dick is cut off, becomes itself, eats something, and then takes a shit. Like, did I make it weird? Aren't you going to be at the Punchline in San Francisco in June? You better fucking believe it.
01:32:59 And if anyone in here didn't like the show and it was because of me, then meet me outside and I'll fist fight you. And if you win, I'll buy you tickets to see me, which you won't use because you hate me. I'll be at the Punchline in June. Come check me out. Okay, turn his mic off. Okay, and then we have... Pete Holmes.
01:33:24 What do you got coming up, Pete? Pete Holmes. What do you got coming up, Pete? Pete Holmes. Pete. Pete, his mic's off for a reason. Give your things. I'm coming back here to Cobb's. Jesus, TJ. All right, turn Pete's off.
01:33:37 Turn Pete's off. Graham Elwood. No, no, no. I'm coming to Cobb's. Turn it off. Me and Kyle are going to be here at Cobb's. I'm plugging the club.. Turn it off. Me and Kyle are going to be here at Cubs. I'm plugging the club. You made it weird. Please listen to it.
01:33:47 Goodbye. Thank you. You can listen to my podcast, Comedy Film Nerds. Thank you for all your lovely kitten hands. All my tour dates are at GrahamElwood.com. I will be headlining. This is for the people listening at home.
01:34:03 The Laughing Skull in Atlanta, May 17-20. Thank you so much, San Francisco! And Dan Gabriel from Best Medicine Podcast with Robert Duchesne. Listen to that. And you got any tour dates coming up? Yes, I'm at the Punchline this weekend. Come out to the Punchline this weekend.
01:34:22 The listeners aren't going to hear that in time Okay well they can go to DanGabriel.net and check out my tour dates Or check my podcast It's not.org It's.net Fair enough That jerk
01:34:37 Who took DanGabriel.com A realtor in like Connecticut Let's go fucking kill him Yeah let's all go there What if he all went there. I'd love to go. What if Mike Powell went there and showed up at his house and we're like,
01:34:47 what are you doing with that website? What's going on with that URL, Gabriel? Thank you all so much for coming. I gotta rush over
01:34:57 to the punchline. I hope to see some of you over there. Thank you. If you listen to my podcast, start with three. Start with episode two. Yeah.
01:35:05 As always, as always, if you've seen Cabin in the Woods, you know the director is a shithead. Yeah, I don't know where that came from. That's why I said that one first, because these next ones are probably
01:35:21 more accurate. Mark Maron's cats are shitheads. And this guy, this guy's going crazy specific and he even said to me while he was writing it, he was like, should I say the names of my bosses and where I work?
01:35:43 And I was like, do what you gotta do, dude. And he said he's gonna turn this podcast up nice and loud at work when it pops. And so, as always, Nick and Michelle at Wells Fargo is a shithead!
01:35:59 Yeah! Yeah! Thank you.
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