Hunter Hill - Clog Your Heartstrings
00:00 Hey guys, we've got a fantastic podcast this week with the great guest, Hunter Hill. It's got it. He himself has a new podcast, but here are the stories you're going to hear. Oh, I don't know, a McDonald's nuptials. How about that? How about a hot tub duck? And then I don't know if a car hop should be doing this at a stake and shake. All of that plus Hunter Hill on this episode of Dump People Town.
00:23 Dan and Ran and Jay will share tales of folk so unaware they lack and race and sometimes choose the life they choose will make the news. Breaking down each epic. Bail in Florida There's half-rice bail I'm happy to say they So listen to our podcast band With co-host our man Dan Bender's don't be a jerk
00:46 Because when the music It's the fun Stick around Make a sound Bunker Downey's Dump People Town Hey Tannies Welcome to another episode of Dumb People Town
01:01 Population you Population Hill Hunter Hill Welcome to Town This is a hill I'm willing to die on This is a hill
01:08 We're all willing to die of And live on and sleep on. I almost said population Hunter. And then you are at HH, you're a double, your H squared. Hunter Hill, who is one of our favorite comics. We go on the road with him. He's come on the road with us and just been like such a beautiful open feature for us. HGH.
01:27 Thomas, but I feel like I have enough surface area as you die, sleep and live on. You are, although sometimes you, you shrink young man. I fluctuate. The GLP ones help with that. Thank you. Appreciate that. Taking GLP2s. Is that bad?
01:42 That's not good. All right. So he's got a new podcast that we will talk about. And a great don't tell set. I mean, we're, and a special. I am so ready to just get obsessed with this podcast because it is everything I love in this world. We'll get to it in segment two. I hope I'm teasing it well.
01:59 You are teasing. All right. World is still dumb. Here's the good news, Hunter. You can jump in and help us understand. We defeat dumb with comedy. Love it. That's how we do it.
02:07 All right. So this article was sent in. by me. Oh, Jay, you sent it. I sent it into myself. Great. You found it and you sent it in. Okay, here's the headline.
02:15 Bride serves McDonald's customers in wedding dressed while tying not at restaurant. Quote, handing out extra sauces. Does she work there? No. Was her paid time off, just not approved? Yeah. You can get married, but like we need you on fries. I love you, honey, but I do have a shift in the middle of our weekend.
02:36 Or she's fighting with Scott. Scott, I'm getting married on Saturday. And I saw that you put me on the schedule. Just so you know, I am not going to lose this job, but I am getting married. Sarah, we need you on fries. Great news is they're going to save a lot of money on the venue and they're really good with a lot of you are not kidding. You are not kidding.
02:53 I love it. Hunter knows. You get it. Okay. A northeast Ohio McDonald's restaurant. By course, it's an old. A lot of people are going to be like, hell yeah, McDonald's for this. Are you kidding me?
03:01 Are you kidding? If you served McNuggets at your wedding? Once the last time you ate McNuggets in your life? This whole thing with you too. I mean, I've got two kids. So pretty frigate. He's got two little boys. Both of these guys think they could still put down 30 nuggets.
03:13 40 nuggets. Easily, I would not get a hard-on for a month. There's no way you're telling you. Not not- not-40. But even you think you could probably do 15. Oh, I could do a 20 piece like that. It's an emptier satisfaction. Don't they not?
03:26 Don't they sell you a 20? I'm not making a past time. From my memory is they sell you a 20 piece, but it comes in two 10 boxes. I feel like that's a little bit of a lie. I'm actually, I'm proud that I don't know the answer. I don't mean that. No, I remember from one time when we got it. him, Rand.
03:39 Wow, man. All right, here we go. Northeast Ohio, of course. Now I'm hungry for them. There's a McDonald's right around the corner. All right. Was transformed into a wedding venue last Saturday as two co-workers. Okay, it was not transformed into a wedding venue.
03:53 How do you know, dude? It was just. It would be amazing. It was transformed into anything. There is video footage of this, which I... If you made a bartender dress up in a full mascot grimace outfit, that would be so funny. What I would do is like, here's what I would do. This is what I, if I'm going full McDonald's,
04:12 the bride throws the bouquet up behind her. Who catches it, hamburger comes in. Yeah, I love it. Or a woman catching a hamburger. If you, Mayor McChese has to marry you, right? I decree. Is that his voice? People married?
04:26 I don't know. He's got to be. Right, Mary. You could play Mayor McChese. If you had like just a waste of dream. How did McDonald's not come up with a theme park? At this point, they should 100% have a theme. Hershey has one.
04:38 How does McDonald's got to come up with a theme park. I'd love to see it. Okay, so they said I... They have Ronald McDonald as like the cruise. Here we go. They said I do... You're going on at McDonald's, Cruz? Here we go.
04:50 You got a roll. There we go. They said I do in front of friends, family, fellow employees, and an occasional customer. So they didn't really rent it out. Guys, we're on the road. And we're like, fuck it. Let's go to McDonald. We're going to McDonald's just to see if a big...
05:05 Hunter, there's a wedding at the McDonald's. You'd be like... Thank you for this new special. I got an objection. I'm never going to forever hold my piece. I don't think he should marry her. The amount on stage you would talk about it that night. That's your whole hour.
05:20 Dan, that's your whole hour. You can do that. Love this. I love knowing a place well enough to be able to exploit. We're not going to get customers. That's a flex. It's a flex. It's a knowledge flex.
05:33 That sounds great. The occasional cousin. If someone comes in and orders a salad and everyone's like, get out of it. But you know there's like somebody working at the McDonald's that is not a friend of either one of theirs. It is just their regular scheduled shift and they are so fucking annoyed. The best man's just outside with an iPad. Like did you get the chicken or the steak?
05:52 The McRib or the McPhish? The fish fillet. Is it, what's it called? The fish filet. Fish filet. Okay, here we go. We had people trying to come into the lobby the whole time. Lobby?
06:03 It's the fileto fish. Filet-o fish. Oh, fish. Oh, fish. Despite the dining room being closed. I love that we had people coming at trying to come to the dining. You mean because it's a business? Decided it being closed to the public.
06:14 Also, calling it the lobby. They closed down the McDonald's? No, I guess they're trying to come into the area where they eat. Oh, they closed down the dining area? The lobby. I don't know. Lobby. I've never heard of a lobby.
06:25 Meet me in the McDonald's. Where in the conservatory? No. The lobby. In the library? No, there's a wedding going on in the lobby. Oh, McDonald's. Meet me down in the lobby of that McDonald's.
06:38 In the study with corn start. With the McMugget is Professor Purple. Bride Jamie Calicoat of Akron, Ohio told Fox News. I love those little calicoat cat. I love those little calicoat. After marrying coworker George Calicoat, so she took his name. I knew this was going to be what they were wearing. In my mind, I saw red and black.
07:03 He's got to hurry up and get to his magic show. He does look like the hamburger. He does. He does. Also, look, let's get the mask. I got to wear a question. You want to take off your sunglasses for the most important ceremony of your life?
07:17 The official could have dressed up a little bit. No, no, no, no. He's got to play nine. Show that picture. Show that picture. He's wearing a salmon colored polo with a weak collar. This guy got dragged in from outside the lobby. What's weaker?
07:30 The collar or his chin? I don't think they're serving McDonald's. Look at these crock pots. Yeah. Well, I don't know. There could be McDonald's. in there you never know fair fair fair couldn't even wear mick ribs floating around couldn't even wear a jacket i mean she's in a wedding you guys you're on a family road trip you just give up
07:46 you pull into this mcdonalds with your fucking angry partner and you're pissed off crying kids and you're like you mean a vacation show and let's just go into this mcdonalds fine we'll get this is how you know that you're in love when you're okay with your wedding being this oh did sure we don't need they know who they are i'm 100% in favor of i love these guys i'm Seriously, like, I'm all about it. First of all, the look on her face. I wouldn't have worn those transition lenses, but, hey, come on. Translenses.
08:13 But, I mean, the look on the woman's face made me love her. I just, it's like, she's wonderful. She said, quote, I was handing out extra sauces to an actual customer in my wedding dress. That's hilarious. Why did she have to do that? Also, to the person asking for more from this bride. Can I out of here? In the middle of the vows.
08:28 Excuse me. I know you're. Do you? I know you're doing something. Can I get a couple more honey mustard? I said no onions on this double. quarter pounder. And she's like, the first moment I met you, uh,
08:40 can we get? If there's anybody here who objects, I had a large fry. You're just watching that TV screen monitoring all the orders in the way to talk. Just that. Can I get one more barbecue sauce? I'm sorry. It's so weird. You're not going to charge you for that, though. I'm in the middle of telling him
08:56 why I love him. Um, okay. I will never charge him for anything for the rest of you. You are the value meal of my heart. In sickness and in honeymoor. You're the prize in the happy meal that I All right. Some customers made it to the kiosks inside to order and drive-through remained open throughout the celebration. Everyone including unsuspecting customers rolled with the punches, Jamie said.
09:19 I don't know if I described your wedding as a fight. We rolled with the punches. Guys, we took a lot of hits to the head, Hunter. I don't want to speak to your in-laws, but yeah, I think some weddings are like that. Shots fired punches thrown. How was your wedding? It was a fight. I want to talk to the people who had the best time,
09:41 and I want to talk to the people that were so pissed off about it. I want to talk to every customer. Also, rolled with the punches is like it didn't turn out the way we thought it was going to turn out. Hey, man. You're at a McDonald's. That is still operating. Do you know their wedding cake was just the little apple pies? Oh, that'd be so great.
09:59 I know. Stacked up in a thing with like a little wedding. There's more good things about this than there are dropping. Hot apple. Fountain. Oh, my God. Provided it's working. Yeah.
10:10 Also, how nostalgic to be hammered into McDonald's. I know. It's just like high school, hey. This is how we met. All right, here we go. It's still work. If you're there off the clock, on the clock, whatever, she said, we were there interrupting to have our personal wedding.
10:28 Yeah, that's literally it. You think they had a DJ? You got to. I hope so. I know. Go all the way. Okay, so here's my question. I just haven't been in a McDonald's a long time.
10:37 Is there music played at a McDonald's? No. I don't think so. I haven't been inside a McDonald's in 70 years. I've been in a drive seat. It's very franchise discretion. Some have walked in very quiet. Some of them are just playing local radio.
10:51 Right. Do we have to talk about love in McDonald's in St. Louis? Yeah. So when we were growing up, the McDonald's that we would go to, which was probably like two miles from our house, had the story of our town, Creve Cor, which is French for Kreve Kerr. It was the mispronunciation of a French word, Kreb Kure. Which is broken heart.
11:10 And so the story was that a white settler fell in love with the Native American squaw. Am I allowed to say that? Yes. And he fell in the mural. He fell in love with her. They couldn't be together. They couldn't be together. So he jumped off one of the cliffs of St. Louis.
11:30 There are no cliffs as flat as can be. If you jump off a cliff, the worst thing you get is a lot. high ankle sprained. All right. So he jumped off a cliff. Numerous times until he died. He died. He's very like Pawnee.
11:40 Sure. He dies. And then she finds out about it. And then she jumps off a cliff. The same clip. And she dies. And that's why they call it Creve Corps. That's written on the sidewalk.
11:49 So it's like, so our, we'd go in and read the thing. Our mom would be like, go ahead while you're waiting for your double cheese. We're going about this double suicide on the wall in McDonald's. It's just a. Gone or still there? It's gone. Damn it. Every great romance.
12:05 It's not even a mile away. Yeah, it's probably a mile from our house. Social media content surrounding the wedding. It's gone viral, by the way. Of course. Surrounding the wedding has already generated more than how many million impressions across Instagram and Facebook. Six. How many million?
12:19 What do you think? Six million is my guess. I think it's higher. I think like 20. Randy? 70. One of you is exactly right. Whoa.
12:30 I'm going to stay with six. You can stay with yours? I can stay where I'm going to stay. Okay. Your answer is. in homies and townies because it is Jerry more than 20 million in and walks off.
12:43 Wow. We kind of figured it would get some attention, but this is just unreal, Jamie said, of the reaction. The newlyweds were back at work on Tuesday. Of course they after their wedding as customers and others who frequent the restaurant began congratulating. What do they do for their honeymoon? Do they say how many people they had invited?
13:00 I don't know. We're going to get to it. Our brinks guys who come to pick up our money came through and they both walked right up and said, oh my gosh, we've seen the video. Congratulations, Jamie said. So now what do you do if you're like internet famous and you work at McDonald's? Like, they will not put up with this.
13:13 You revel in it. I guess so. Oh, yeah. You revel in it. I hope so. McDonald's should turn this into a camera. Thank you. We're loving each other.
13:22 We're loving each other. We love it. He's loving it. Yeah. He's loving her. Jamie is a manager at the McDonald's where the pair met through mutual friends at Cedar Point in Ohio in 2025
13:33 and went on a few dates. few days. So this is probably near the theme park, right? Probably. They went out on a few dates. Moved to Akron and began working at McDonald's in October 25. George Trainder, if you know what we mean. Yeah, George Trainder.
13:49 Trained her in. I don't like that power dynamic. It's a little weird. Trained or groom. It seems to have worked for them. Jamie said George's personality drew her to him. Well, look at that red tie in those transition lenses. We just get along very well.
14:01 She said, I love everything about George. Rick Bayless. I love Skip Bayliss? Sure. I love everything about George. Rick Bayliss from the restaurant. Yeah, Skip's brother.
14:14 Is that Skip's brother? I'm very almost certain. Dude, someone Google that. What's it called? Trace something. I don't remember you. Yeah, it's like this Mexican restaurant is so good. Okay, here we go.
14:25 He's a great guy. I love everything about her. George told Fox Digital News. She's a wonderful person, very caring, very kind. The pair became engaged at Cedar Point and initially planned to get married there too, which they should have. That would have been better. I'm sorry.
14:39 I'm sorry. Cedar Point while a rollercoach is going on. Then a district manager jokingly suggested they tie the knot at McDonald's. I mean, if the DM is telling you to do this, you got the district manager giving you a seal. That's coming down from on high. Yes. You have so much buffer between you or your franchise owner getting in trouble. Now you can do anything.
15:00 You have to do it. You basically give them carte blanche to just do whatever they want. We thought about it for a day. or so and went back and we were like, well, are you guys serious? The gamer called and one thing led to another and here we are. Celebration became a team effort. McDonald's said in its news release.
15:14 So of course, they had to step in and be like, we took credit. Good. Crews. It's way better than them fighting and we find out they're both been fired. I want this. Crew members and managers came together to make the couple's wedding day special, providing dinner, a wedding cake and other touches
15:30 for the celebration. McDonald's said even the officiant had a McDonald's connection. the husband of the restaurant's general manager performed the ceremony. McDonald's provided the venue. Get in here, Darren. And despite untimely holding a large celebration,
15:45 ultimately, excuse me, ultimately holding a larger celebration than the destination-style wedding that they had originally envisioned. Is it a destination? Well, this is a giant. Let's do this.
15:54 So they envision. If your wedding is, if I told you, people got married out of McDonald's. That's a destination. Where do you think their version of a destination wedding is like putting bay
16:06 Maconaw Island probably P. F. Chang's yes it's going to another country essentially yes came to international travel I would say Lake of the Ozars Circle gets a square from Lake of the Ozarks yeah wait wait the International House of Pankings yes even better I love the idea of thinking you're close with the bride and the groom and then you show up the day of
16:28 and like oh they got me on fries yeah exactly yeah damn I'm working just I thought it was invited you but you can hear it from around the corner. McDonald's provided the venue and Jamie said the ceremony was quote unquote cost effective. Very much. The couple handled some of the decorations in food themselves. Excellent. Guests were served pulled barbecue chicken.
16:49 Ooh. Which is my favorite thing to get at McDonald's. That's off menu. See what I'm saying. Those dishes told me we were not doing McDonald's food. Buffalo chicken dip. See, we're not doing McDonald's. Homemade rigatoni.
17:00 Oh. And fried chicken. You know, you know I love that rigatoni. from McDonald's. There's way too many smells to be in one McDonald's. That is. The kids ate fresh McDonald's because you still have McDonald's there. So the kids ate at breakfast.
17:12 By the way, the kids were probably the happiest they've ever been. Literally. What kid likes wedding food? No. Nice. Especially if it's one of those McDonald's that still has a play place. You want a cold piece of salmon? Even the flower girls got a McDonald's touch,
17:24 tossing pedals from a happy meal box. This was my decision mostly, Jamie said, of course. I mean, we were taking McDonald's. I thought it was cute. No, but like if it was his decision, he would have had to convince him. her, it's her wedding day, she is the queen. She's the queen.
17:36 It's her decision. Let her be, let her cook. Literally let her cook. But I mean, work life balance, there is an argument to be made here that you need to have a talk. True. The official is, like Al Pacino and heat. You just can't keep bringing this stuff home. They've got the rest of their lives to figure that out.
17:48 Fair enough. I'm getting too old for the shit. McDonald's commenting on a video on the ceremony writing a modern day love story. There I go. Congrats to them on their Mick marriage. Oh, you knew that was coming. I'm fine with all this. Except forever.
18:02 Exactly. After all. and we're McLevin it. You knew they had to say. But to not have a Ronald McDonald be your official. It might be the biggest miss in this whole thing. A story like this just really clogs your heartstrings. Yeah.
18:15 That's great. I'm not going to get a better button than that. I might even stop there. They said one commenter even joked my McDonald's notoriously finicky soft serve machines, but George says there wasn't a problem. Ours is always working unless it's being cleaned. It sounds like it's not always working.
18:31 He cleaned her softener. Hello! Hard serve. Tammy Snyder, the local, the locations general manager, said it was so much more than a wedding at a McDonald's. Sounds like that's exactly what it was. What more could it be? What was it in a retirement party nation? Is it a book signing?
18:48 What is this? It's a story about two people in love at a restaurant team that wanted to make sure they felt celebrated. Snyder said our restaurants are places, first of all, it's not a restaurant if the table is nailed down to the floor. Agreed. Our restaurants are places where friendships are made, milestones are celebrating communities come together. George and Jamie's wedding is such a beautiful example of that. Jamie called it a perfect outcome. We had a great time, she said, our coworkers are amazing, our bosses are amazing.
19:17 McDonald's is amazing for allowing us to do this. She said as the gun was cocked to her. Story number one. When we come back, we're to hear about Hunter's new podcast, which I cannot wait for. We'll tell you what we have going on. It's all coming up. It's dumb people, town. with the great Hunter Hill.
19:33 We'll be right back. Stick around. Make a sound. Hunger down. It's dumb people town. Today's episode is sponsored by the ASPCA Pet Health Insurance Program.
19:43 And we have a friend here with us. Just to sweet... To remind us how therapeutic and what a big part of our lives, our pets are and how they really are part of your family. Petting a dog makes you a better and happier person.
19:58 And you want to take care of the animals and you want to feel like you can any problem that hits, I mean, anybody who's ever owned a pet is like three in the morning, you're with the phone going like, is this normal? Yeah. Why do this? Where do I take this? How do I do this?
20:12 You don't want that, you don't want that sort of feeling of dread. And so you got to get pet insurance, the ASPCA pet health insurance. That's why it exists. It helps make some of the finance, take the financial stress out of vet care. Or really also. Focus on your pet and sort of not worry about the cost. want to be in a situation where you're like, do we do this? Do we not do this? What do we do? You know, and those, those feelings of anxiety just compound. Because it comes down. A lot of times
20:42 it's finances and it's a really hard place to be in. The ASPCA pet health insurance program offers customizable accident and in illness plans. Yes. That can fit your budget, your lifestyle, and even your pets particular quirks. Because let's be honest, vet bills add up very fast. Huge. ASPCA pet health insurance has been around for almost 30 years and has covered over one million pets. and when it's time to submit a claim, it's easy. You just use their app and receive reimbursement for eligible vet bills directly into your bank account so you can get back to focusing on what really matters your pet.
21:10 So to explore coverage, visit ASPCA Pet Health Insurance or Pet Insurance.com. That's ASPCApetinsurance.com slash DPT. I'm going to do it one more time for you, all right? ASPCA Pet Insurance.com slash DPT. This is a paid advertisement. Insurance is underwritten by either Independence, American insurance company or United States Fire Insurance Company and produced by PTZ Insurance Agency Limited the ASPCA is not an insurer and is not engaged in the business of insurance.
21:41 You know those pieces in your closet that you find yourself wearing on repeat. We all have those. You've seen us wear them on this show. On this show. So the sweater that goes with everything, the perfect pair of pants, that tea you sometimes you know, just like that looks so good. Those are the pieces that make getting dressed easy. It's what you reach for in your closet.
22:00 And that's what our buddies at Quince do best. I can't even begin to tell you there's a pair of linen Quint shorts that I have worn every day that it is warm. I always take it's like the most comfortable shorts I wear around the house. I wear them out. I just love them so much.
22:15 I'm also a shacket, a shacket man. You are. And they have this great rust-colored jacket that I just ordered for myself. I cannot wait to wear on stage. So here's what I love about Quince. It's not just clothing anymore, which I'm so glad they expanded in this area.
22:29 Quince brings that same approach for everything they make from hotel quality bedding and bath to kitchen essential, thoughtfully designed furniture. They make well-designed pieces for everyday living. Daniel, how can people enjoy the quits? You can find your next fall favorites at Quince. Download the Quince app. That's Q-U-I-N-C-E for app-exclusive offers or go to quince.com. Get free shipping on your order and 365-day returns. now available in Canada and the UK too.
23:00 Hey-oh. And when Quince asks where you heard about them, please let them know it was Dumb People Town. It's the best way to support this show. Stick around. Make us down. It's Dump People Town. Hey, guys, welcome back to the show.
23:14 Before we jump into Hunter's awesome new podcast, Jay, we should let them know we have going on. In October will be at the Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase, the 15th through the 17th. It's one of our favorite clubs. Ann Arbor people, please come and see us. We'd love to see you there. this is our hour that we love.
23:29 We're shooting it. We already shot it. Thank you to everyone who came out to see our hour at the Illusion of Magic Lounge. Thank you to super nice guys. We'll let you know where that ultimately goes as they hopefully sell this thing to a great platform and you guys can see it. We'll be at the flyover comedy festival like the 12th through the 15th of November, which in St. Louis is going to be so much fun. Dan's going to be there and he's got a bunch of shows. We got a huge show at Coco, which is a great theater on Friday night.
23:55 Jay, you're really helping. Yes. And then I'm loving what you're saying. We're going to be back in St. Louis on the 6th of December. We're hosting this wonderful event for the Jewish Federation. It's like the 125 years. Never been a better time to be a Jew. Never been more fun.
24:09 We're going to be in Phoenix in January. Desert Ridge. Improved in January. And then we've got some other real where else? We're going to be back in Detroit. Back in Detroit. Mark Ridley's Comedy Castle at the end of February. We've got dates in Oregon, Oregon, Oregon, Washington,
24:26 So it's all this stuff. Supersquodys.com for everything. And now let's get to your podcast, which is fascinating and incredible. And it starts with you discovering something about your grandfather. Yeah. I was just trying to start a dad podcast, which my sister already told me was a horrible idea. Oh, she's right about a lot of things. Yeah.
24:44 Yeah. We don't need that. Family. Family. And we just started investigating our dad and very quickly accidentally found out that our grandfather was in the CIA. And our whole family bought the cover story. Wow. Wow.
24:57 It's incredible. Yeah. I mean, the stuff you find out. It's crazy and weirdly timely. I don't know if this will resonate with any of you, but the CIA, like, put this plan in place. At the time, there was this very problematic president who a lot of people, like, didn't like, didn't like or trust. And then he went, not now. Not now.
25:18 No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. No, no. It's totally different time. And then that the CIA needed to find, like, a billionaire who was known for, like, like doing like crazy outlandish things and had like all these weird companies and was kind of like
25:31 known as like a pop culture symbol. Not now. Not now. No, no, no. Okay, good. Good. And, um, yeah. And, um, yeah, essentially, uh, found out that my grandfather was a first officer on a mission,
25:43 uh, that the Smithsonian refers to as a real life Ocean's 11. What? Um, they, they, and you didn't have any idea about your grandpa. What era of time were talking about? High to the Cold War. Wow. Oh, my. God.
25:56 We can edit this out if you want. You've written this treatment, right? Yeah. Okay. Does it not sound like it? Oh, yeah. No, I'm dancing for a movie. No, no, no, for a movie.
26:07 So the reason, one of the reasons this has taken so long is, like, we didn't know what to do with this story or, like, where to start or, like, what it should be. So, like, we've... Who thought, who to think that their grandkids are going to be fucking whistleblowers? I know. Dude. Or, or, like, have abilities to tell the story in a beautiful way. And, and, like, if you guys can imagine having to sit down.
26:26 down your dad and tell him, hey, your dad was in the CIA. He didn't know. He didn't know. And you do this on camera and on it. We had mics rolling. We didn't have cameras rolling. It's still great. But it is just, it's been, it's weird to understand my dad's daddy issues better than he does.
26:42 Yeah. Oh, my God. You're objective. Yeah. You're a dad of sons. So there's that. And it's like a, so it is the ultimate dad podcast. I have so many questions.
26:52 Again, I don't want to ask any of them. Just listen to it. because I want to just hear it. Okay. So what is it called so people can listen to it? No, I don't want to know. No, I don't want to know when it drops. No, I don't want to know anything.
27:05 Fair. Maybe I'm just trying to honor the CIA like the rest of you fucks me. Trying to blow this cover. Wow, dude. Fucking Patriot. Dan was a federal agent. Yeah. I was a federal agent.
27:15 All right. So a podcast is called Deep Secrets comes out in October. October 1st. Great. Okay. This is going to drop after that. So it's out already. Yeah.
27:26 So please you can subscribe to it wherever you get podcasts. Scoot McNary is going to play you in this movie. I can't fucking wait. It is, it's crazy. I mean, we still, yeah,
27:38 I'm excited for people to find this. Is your grandfather still alive? No. Okay. Stop with these questions. Stop, Jay. Let's see it unfold.
27:46 I want a fucking deep secrets. Buy you a drink. Deep secrets. Is it on? What's the podcast network that's coming out on? It's going to be everywhere that you can get. your podcast. Great.
27:55 Okay. All right. So, just get it. So deep secrets. I cannot wait for this. I'm so excited. Somebody's going to hit you guys up field.
28:01 We should tell. They're going to want your advertising rights. Right away. Crazy is weirdly stand up is like open these weird doors. Like I've been, I learned this about my grandfather then was able to go on like a USO tour with like the chairman, vice chairman of the Pentagon and like ask members of his stuff. What would this role look like?
28:19 And then, you know, we're on bases that my grandfather's other missions kind of like were in our I'm open with. Oh, dude. It's weirdly stand up as I told you. I'm all, like I look for these.
28:30 Dude, I need this podcast in my life. This is like Argo. This is, like Narco. Right. If I did. Wait,
28:35 are you about to tell me it's something to do with fucking Argo? Literally is the mission that inspired the hunt for at October is reference to Argo all the time. Oh my God.
28:43 And, uh, this is crazy. I, I would love this if I didn't know you. And like I do know you and love you. So I'm like now in so much further. This is a little bit of like our industry speak,
28:53 but I, this, I would buy this in the room. 100%. Did I not tell you? So are you, obviously you're using humor a little bit too to sort of sift through and connect with some of this? Absolutely.
29:04 Of course. Absolutely. That's your release. Because you can't not be funny. For someone like us to like learn this and go through it. Right. But there's, yeah, it's just also. I hope it when you talk to your dad, you were like, also he's not your dad.
29:15 I'm talking about. I'm just messing with you. Now isn't so much better. That's fake. Yeah. All right. So deep secrets. I'm very excited.
29:23 you can get it wherever you get podcast guys let's make this like when does it drop October 1st so when yeah but it's out it's out now it's out now it's out now listen to it subscribe to it story too damn let's jump into it i don't mean i mean i mean do i get into it because there's dumb out in the world that's smart this is dumb we got a day out it's balanced is smart we're sent in by sam householder at sam householder householder one of my favorite hgutv tv shows of all the time householder uh it's a poker game where you try to win other householder or mouseholder okay police search for suspect seen on video using pool, hot tub, and, this is in quotes, intensely interacting with rubber duck. No, he doesn't fuck it.
30:06 It doesn't fuck him. It's even weirder. Okay, here we go. This takes place in, I'm going to ask you guys, this little vulnerability. Is it Chatham or Chatham? Chatham. It is Chatham. That's what I felt like, but then you look at it and you're like, also, you know when you write a word or stare at a word too long and you're like,
30:22 like, that's not how salt is spelled. Like I was having that sort of. Don't say a word too many times because it just doesn't make. Yeah, you'll lose it. It'll mess up. All right. All right. Chatham County, Georgia.
30:34 WTOC. Georgia authorities are searching for a man accused of trespassing under a private residence, using the pool and hot tub without permission. It's like, it's a story. We assume he didn't have permission. I'm sure there was a fancy. Becoming another weird choice of words, infatuated with a rubber.
30:52 duck this is drug you're just on you're on drugs yeah you're on peyote you're on molly or whatever something yes a lot of molly not even like but that's not mine molly it's like everything you want to include yes this is multiple things coming together synthetic drugs in a lot of mixing with you're on two roller coasters yeah yes at once they're about to crash in and stealing pool towels oh yeah can you look by the way you have a pool towels become a hot fucking commodity around the pool. I don't know why they're leaving them outside. Have you reached please bring your own towels level?
31:28 We haven't, but the people we invite usually do bring up. Yeah, because that's the move. Also, stealing the towel sounds like the most civilized part of this story. Yes. Well, we didn't, we don't know what he did with the towel. They don't know what he did with the... Hey, he's a one duck man. Oh, good.
31:43 Chat Ham County Police said surveillance video from the home shows an unidentified man trespassing around what time. on September 1st. What do you think he's walking into this backyard? 3 a.m. 3? 11. 11 p.m. 3 a.
32:03 It's what I should. I think it's early in the morning. I think he had a long night. So this is the end of the night. I think 7, 6 or 7 a.m. You guys, it's sort of close. So he gets there at 2.15 a.m. Thank you.
32:17 But stays until 5.30 in the morning. A little bit of this, a little bit of that. Quote, he trespassed onto their property, used their hot tub, became obsessed with their rubber duck. At this point in the story, I'm like, tell me what you mean. Stop saying infatuated,
32:33 obsessed, intensely interacting. Why are they being so opaque? Staring into the eyes of this? Just get to it, Johnny. What's he doing? Rubbing in all the rubs. He became obsessed with their rubber ducks, stole their pool towels.
32:43 It's obviously not the biggest crime we've dealt with this month. This is also when... Oh, hey, thanks. Oh, okay. Because when you're the person who, well, someone did come on to my property, got into my pool, stole my thing.
32:55 She's a violation. You are going to feel so just when someone's been in your house. Violation. And the cops and the reporters are like, look, it's really not that like, nobody really cares about this. You feel vulnerable and violent. Yes, of course you're glad no violence committed. Let me ask you this.
33:09 If you sanitized, washed that towel, would you use it again? Never. Or give it to the duck. No. The duck is. The duck's gone. Those are going to like rehab or like some sort of counseling. Both the towel.
33:21 Yeah. Also, imagine if you're the duck when they're like, look, this isn't the biggest crime. The duck's like, hey, did anybody else get infatuated with for three hours? That's not a big crime for you guys. I'm over here squeaking my nuts off. Sounds like a real Goldilocks situation. Too cold. Hot tub too hot.
33:38 To re-wrack the sentence. Rubber duckie. Just right. To re-wreck the sentence. It's obviously not the biggest crime we've dealt with this month, which is also like, what's going on month to month. But it has a lot of ick factor. Get to what you're talking about. What did he do with the duck?
33:54 So we'd like to find this guy so he doesn't do this to someone else, wrote the police department in a social media post. They don't know where he is. So you're telling us unsolved mystery. So this, that's when they made up. Guys on the loose. Get stack. Get stack out of the grave.
34:07 We got another unsolved mystery. Hide your duckies. Is it Robert Downey Jr.? Are they still filming that Marvel movie out of them? It's Robert. It's rubber duckie, Jr. Hey. While at the home, police say the video shows the suspect taking a dip in the pool,
34:20 then using the hot. tub while in the hot tub police said quote the man is caught on video becoming infatuated with a rubber duck shuggy ducky look at him oh first of all were you picturing him with just the longest sideburns like it's 1990s like it's been since since character is a cleats is eating that duck's ass yeah yes and the duck the duck the duck got a sole patch too the duck has sunglasses on so the duck's like this is just like a cocaine party the duck's like so he's a cool don't look at me don't look at me I'm not looking at anything. The cops were like, well, what was the duck wearing? Because
34:54 you know, wearing sunglasses at night like that, maybe you're sort of asking. But also, why is the duck in the hot tub if it doesn't want to get fucked with? This is a guy who doesn't take off his socks or his hat when he's having sex. He doesn't take off his hat in the pool. You can leave your hat on. I can't tell if that hat has the AOL logo
35:10 on it. Doesn't it sort of promotion, it screams promotional hat? It doesn't it sort of feel like a lawn care company hat, like a landscaping He didn't buy. He didn't buy it. Whatever it is, he did not buy it.
35:23 No. It was thrown to him from a stadium at a high school football game. Says Microsoft. Now, is it possible this duck is like the chlorine or bromine thing that floats around in there? It's like the thing. Oh, he's just getting some more. He's trying to huff. Yeah, he wants some more substance.
35:39 If that's what it is, then I need to start doing that. Okay. So the man's caught on home. He takes a dip the pool. He's caught on video infatuated with rubber duct. C-C-P-D said the video shows the man, spending how long, how many minutes intensely interacting with the duck? Oh, an hour. An hour from Randy Sclar. An hour. Like, it's disturbing. But an hour is one. One minute. Ask yourself, yeah,
36:03 ask yourself, what is the bar to where you go? To where you go, this is now disturbed. 26 minutes. Time moves differently when you're in a state. Yeah, that's very true. You think it's an hour. I think it's an hour. A hour. 35 minutes. He spent over 10 minutes in 10 minutes in 10. intensely interact. Still too long. Because imagine if you're watching your ring camera video or whatever, 10 minutes. What? How many times you watch like a two-minute video and you end up jumping to the end?
36:30 That's a long clip. My camera's like we're out of memory. We're outside. Yeah. What are we doing here? That is like your don't tell set. Your full don't tell set. You spent your full don't tell set, which everyone should check out.
36:41 Up a duck's ass. Would have crushed. We have another, I don't know, Aaron has it. We have another big foot level of quality of photo of this guy. because when suspect finally left the home, he took beach towels with him and police said the man escaped on a bike. Yes.
36:56 Plural. I'm going to ask you this. What is the value of the beach towels that he stole from this home? How many towels do you say he took? It does not say. But it does give a value. And because I love you and I want it to be fun, go up.
37:13 No, I know. I know beach towels are expensive. Okay. $75. $75. If you took multiple beach tiles, I'm going to say $260. $260. I'm going to go in the middle, $150.
37:24 $150? You know what? I've never done this before. I'm going to say all three to you, go up. Okay. $620. $620 from Randy's phone. $450.
37:37 $450 from Jason Scott. $800. There he is on the bike. That's a big foot level quality. Every time somebody takes a picture of Bigfoot, all of a sudden, they have a sidekick. They have a sidekick phone. He's like, vanilla. That vanilla bean ice.
37:51 Ducks gonna call me. Also, got redressed. Okay, here we go. We'll get out of here on story number two. I wanted him to not be wearing any pants. I will tell you. And he didn't even take the duck. I wanted him to Donald Duck.
38:02 Commit or don't commit? Why have security cameras if that's the image you're getting? 100%. Right? No, you're catching him. I don't know. I can't identify. I can't identify.
38:10 You ask the neighborhood kid to draw it for you. Yeah, right. Okay. The value in beach towels stolen to close out story two before. Randy brings a Soma Story 3 is $1,200. What? What are these towels? They're made of gold.
38:28 Gold, I tell you. Brady, you have, you had to have stocked up on extra towels for your pool. Jason, you have extra towels for your pool. Yes, I do. What level? If you have $1,200 towels, this is your security system? Target. Yeah.
38:44 Target is the way you get the towels for class. I came for towels. unless he stole 80 towels. And even then I'd go, I don't see 80 towels on that bike. I don't either. It's got like three. Maybe four.
38:56 $400 a towel? $300 a towel? Your priorities need to shift. Get a towel. Get a towel. Honey, should we get better cameras for the security system? No, just get two more towels. Go get a towel.
39:08 So we did a video real quick before we go to break. Oh, your Philly. Our Philly accent. We're in the Philly Airport just for, for, for literally like 30 minutes. to go because we were flying home from watching. We were walking by Primo's Huggies and Rangie's like, you go to Primo Hogi? That's the most Philly name for a Primo Hogi. I'm not going to get a
39:26 hug, I'm just going to get a Keg Zero. You can't get me a Keg Zero from Primo Hagege. We started being funny and people are... But also it's like early in the morning we've been up all night and we kind of has a little bit of a rass. So I film Randy doing that, not thinking. And I'm like, I'm just going to put this on stories and I'm going to throw it on. Go it on threads and throw it on X.
39:46 Just whatever. Get on a flight. And we land from Philly to L.A. It's like five hours later. And it's like blown up on Twitter, like 40,000 views. Guys, I mean. Of course it did. It was in the moment.
39:58 You're both being very, very funny. But then it creates a debate. Because we were like, that place is good. You two losers, that's the best meal you'll ever have all day. It's the greatest lesson in social media. We are like, is this clip good? Do I cut this here? Don't be precious.
40:12 Start a fight. Just fucking throw it up. Throw stuff up and start a fight. Just mention Philadelphia. and let them start the fight. You could literally make a video that goes, Philly, you know what you did. And that's the whole video.
40:24 What we do. What we did. You deserved it. Whatever we did, you deserved it. We're from Philly. We're from Delco. We're from Delco. Or they own it.
40:35 That's right. We did it. Yeah, you got it. The best is someone's like, I've been in Philly for so long, and this is not a Philadelphia. I've been all over Philly. This is a Delco accident.
40:45 Accent. I'm from Philly. It's a Delco accent. I looked up where Delco is. It borders city central of Philadelphia. So it is like part of Philadelphia. It's essentially the surrounding area. It's the Delaware County outside of Philadelphia.
41:00 I'm like, that's part of Philly. Shut your dumb ass up. And don't you ever. You hair splitting bitch, shut up. That's very, pinky out. Yes. You dumb. You hair's dead.
41:11 That's from Delco. You hair splitting bitch. Delco is Philly. We're from Delco. We consider ourselves Philly. I'll fucking punch you in the face. This is also like our other clip. We're like, don't use umbrellas in Portland.
41:21 And people were like, no. And then other people were like, I don't trust this guy. Someone's like, no, I'm in Portland to do that. And then I wrote back to that person. I know. I was like, my wife lived in Portland for seven years. And every time we've gone back there, this is what we've seen. And she said it's right.
41:37 I just loved it. It feels so good. All right, guys. We'll take a break. Come back. We got a third story. What a tease us. It's, um, it's, it's, uh, it's, it's, it's, it's, it's,
41:46 A car hop. Trouble with a car hop. Trouble with a car hop, which I just saw American graffiti on the plane. Perfect goddamn movie. But car hops, they don't, they're not like us. We come back, we'll do this story. And don't forget, Hunter Hill's new podcast called Deep Secrets. And we'll find out what Dan is doing on the other side of the break.
42:05 Stick around. Make a sound. Hunger Down is Dumpfeeville Town. Hey, gang, welcome back to the show. Before we get any of this story right here, Daniel, let them know where. they can see is you can go to Daniel vancirk.com to find my dates for me being in Massachusetts at the end of October
42:22 Lawrence and Cohasset. I also be at the Flyover Comedy Festival. Running a lot of the shows that I do at Hub City Comedy Week, shop for shot. We're doing like a St. Louis kickoff party. A lot of local St. Louis comics coming on talking about living in the city and doing their sets. Everything has a different premise. They're all
42:38 completely different fun. They're all going to be completely different material, different comics. So much fun. Doing those every single night of the festival that I'm there. So that's flyover comedy festival Daniel Van Kirk And then November 12th through the 15th Yep
42:50 And then in December I'm in outside Portland I'll be there with an umbrella And that is going to be At the Chinook Wins Casino I'm also going to be December 3rd And Phoenix And then everything else
43:02 Like I said Daniel van Kirk Dot Tom I had some people reach out to me That were townies Because I've recently become a full on sports card collecting nerd Oh you should talk to Ruggowski Yeah dude I am full on in
43:13 A couple weeks ago I was invited to a show show and I like set up a show sold my own Alanick intercards. You sold cards that I had and talked to people and I filmed it all. If you're interested in any of that, to the townies that have hit me up about it, hub city cards. I created my own account for it. Everything card related is going to be Hub city cards.
43:32 All right. Let me get in this. This is story number three sent in by me. I found it. Okay. You ready here? Cops colon. Carr hop exposed self to fast food patron.
43:44 Wouldn't it just be patron? Nope. Is it a different restaurant? Oh, I don't know. We'll get into that. Okay. Car hop tells you where we're at. I know.
43:52 Well, here, this is from the smoking gun. Okay. Steak and Shake employee busted for indecent activity. Here we go. You guys like a steak and shake? I love it. Me too. It's the old school.
44:01 It's where we used to go. I used to stop with the one on a Vegas. Thin fries. A great cheese fries. A good burger. Open late. Yep. Open late.
44:09 St. Louis. All right. All right. August 27th, when Steak and Shake brought back its car hop service, they're like, this is going to be fun. What could go wrong? What could possibly go out? A waitress goes out to the car.
44:21 A drunk idiot could pull up. People aren't ready for stuff to be sitting there. People don't even know how to deal with that anymore. So, service that 50s trend in which waiters delivered an order on a tray, usually on roller skates. Yes, whatever, directly to a customer's auto. The fast food chain announced that patrons would be able to, quote, enjoy your delicious meal from the comfort and safety of your own car. That's how many fights are happening at. They're like, we got to get these people out of the restaurant into their cars.
44:50 We don't want you punched. We want you safe. We're going to throw this on your thing. This is a pandemic thing? This is what this article says. Okay. About that. It just.
44:58 That's how we start? That's about that. About that. That is a transitional line. That's too much conversation. A Florida restaurant worker was arrested yesterday for indecent exposure after he walked up to a woman's vehicle while serving her food with his penis exposed through his zip. Did you guys also order a hot dog?
45:16 No, we did not. Never funny. No, we didn't. Some meatless order. Hell of an opening line. I know. Just goes. Investigators say, Artavian Crumidi.
45:26 That's his name. Artavian Crumidi. That my favorite character in the Odyssey. What a villain. Artavian Crumidi. I mean, this is the new Harry Potter. Sure. Neck tattoo.
45:35 Artavian Crumitty. That is a name. Which sounds like something you should be vaccinated against. Yes. I have, I contracted Artavian community. At least I see some of this. committee. Am I going to give you his age?
45:48 Excon was working as a car hoppet steak and shake in Largo when he made an off-the-menu delivery, which is, I agree. That's a good. Solid. Right? Yeah. You got to get off the menu a couple of times. There's a special fries. I didn't know you could order that.
46:06 That's a very hard thing to order the animal fries. I cannot imagine being that confident. They serve. Yeah. Hunter, imagine the confidence of our taste. Cromiddy. Gives a whole new definition to the term soft serve.
46:19 I'm saying. As Ice Cube said, I said, no hog. No honk. I wonder if she looked at him and said, you're going to bum that hot dog? Does anybody order in it? Artavians hard lemonade.
46:31 Here they said. Video surveillance. Sounds like something Doc would do. Video surveillance at the location. There are video cameras there. Who do you think you're following? They're probably better than these rich towel people. Thank you.
46:44 At the location. the incident as stated by the victim, all right. Arrested for exposure of sexual organs. Good. Cromity or Cromity, however you, to do it. Yeah, if you're nasty. It's right. Was booked in the county jail on a misdemeanor count.
46:58 He was subsequently released from custody upon posting how much bond? Florida. Florida, exposed. Like, Florida, is it like 28 bonds? Yeah, okay. What do you think? 250. 500.
47:11 I'm going to go 750. Get your answers in. A thousand dollar bond. Okay. It has been ordered by a judge to stay away from the steak and shake. Yeah, you're done, dude. You can't go back and get those roller skates. Also, with this paper, just stay away from everybody.
47:25 People. And anywhere. You don't even get to go to Dollar General anymore. This guy's got a long-ass. This guy's got a long-ass rap sheet. It just shows you how hard. But what's crazy is it's like, look, I believe in giving people second chances. I believe that people can be rehabilitated.
47:39 Not if child abuse is in it. But if child abuse is in your thing, get them out of here. Carried a concealed firearm, reckless driving, probation violation, auto theft. He was released, nothing, no like exposure. Like, this is a new area for him. He was just trying to. He was released from custody on March 25th after serving more than two years behind bars in connection with several crime cases in 2020. Steak and Shake, which has about how many restaurants?
48:00 How many restaurants do you? I know, is under scrutiny. Well, how many restaurants do they have? Because that can tell you that they- Nationwide? Yes. Oh, my God. You go, you're a guess. I guess over 100.
48:11 Easy. Yeah. What do you think? 150. Oh, I'm going to go 890. 400. 400 restaurants. Revived its car hop service in response to the COVID pandemic, just like in happy days
48:25 in American graffiti carhops. It's like to go locations deliver grub on a tray. How about happy ending day? Hey, meals. All right. I love the idea of a manager coming out afterwards with a gift card saying I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. I'm so sorry.
48:39 I know. And I also advise you don't eat the gravy on those. I would go, do you know that person? No, it doesn't matter. You're fired. That's right. That was rhetorical, you fucking idiot. Exactly.
48:48 It doesn't matter if you know that person or not. All right. So, what a dummy. We're going to get out on this. Artavian Crumitti, which is one of the greatest names of all time. Cremitt. How old is Artavian? I loved him in Guardians of the Galaxy.
49:00 I love that character. I know. He had that flute that he blew. Yeah. Well, he had a flute. I am group. I am Groot Middy. Right.
49:07 Oh, man. Hunter, you're a guess. What do you feel? Or you go last. He looks like a good guy, though. He looks like he could be a nice. Could have been. Horrible things.
49:16 Terrible things. He's a POS. Horrible person. All right. Not going to be around a POS anymore. 37. 37. What do you think, Jay?
49:22 I think he's like 29. Okay. Daniel 29's a good guess. I was thinking 28. I'm going to go 26. One of you is one year off. 25. 30.
49:31 Go up or down one year. 38. Okay. Get your answers in townies. I am so excited to dig deeply into deep secrets. Deep Secrets. You just find you. You just made my flight.
49:45 Way better. Oh, I cannot. This will be all my travel is going to be walking my neighborhood with my dog. I'm going to binge the hell out of this thing. And you should too and leave a review and tell people that it's a great thing. Granddad's dirty secrets. Spread it around to everybody. We want to make this thing a huge success because you deserve it.
50:02 I don't deserve you guys. Artavian crumity or crumity is 25 years old. Oh, Daniel. That's so great. Hey, guys. We love you. and oh snap we gotta get back to work see ya peace
There aren't comments yet for this episode. Click any sentence in the transcript to leave one.