Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 12 - Daddlestar Grandpaptica

Episode Date: July 14, 2026

spaceship owner manualThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.🚨🚨 Our sourcebook crowdfund campaign starts NEXT WEEK on July 21st with a livestream! 🚨🚨Go to bookmedaddy.com and enter your email address to follow the campaign (and receive a sweet bumper sticker in the process).Everyone who reserves their pledge and backs the campaign with $5 before launch will receive the exclusive double-sided collector coin.Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

July 21st is the day that we're starting the crowd fund for our source book. Dungeons and Daddy's not a BDSM source book. Datastic Fantasy Adventures for the world's most popular role-playing game that we can't legally mention by name. It's going live. July 21st, bookmeaddy.com. But if you go to bookmeaddy.com right now and drop your email address to follow the campaign, you will receive an exclusive bumper sticker when you back the campaign when it goes live. Or if you drop five bucks right now, you oversee an exclusive, double-sided collector coin. And if you drop an email address and five bucks, that's right, you get both the sticker and the coin.

We're really excited about this source book. We've been quietly working on it behind the scenes for over a year now. We've got five dad-themed, three skins of classes, eight daddy magic infused subclasses, over 30 spells, including the incredibly OP spell, speak Japanese. She's got dropped that at anime expo. You see how hard that goes. well as mechanics to customize a minivan for combat. If you're a fan of our looser rules light style of improvisational role play,

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It's been a long day without you, grandads. And I swear I'll have my friends should sit this life for the next. How could you do this? I thought we were friends. And I swear I'll have my vengeance in this life for the next. Next. How could I be such a naive, gullible fool? You haven't seen the last of Dory.

I'm so sorry. Take me back. Whatever, I don't care. It's in the past. Endless black void. Nothing left for bees except an asteroid. There I'll be safe with my own robot race. Then I'll put you all into your grace. I'll put you all into your grave.

Me, Dave and bloater, you were literally my die-heart. And now you pull my dreams out of the air. Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies. Or perhaps we should say grandpas and galaxies. In fact, I am saying that. Perhaps we should. We should. This is a grand space pauper about four gilts

who take to the stars to rescue some of their grandkids. Oh. Perhaps the entire... Well, Ashley thinks they've got them all. Well, yeah, Ashley's good with it. Perhaps the entire known universe in this process. How will that happen? Well, dear listener, only one way to find out.

This is D&D 5E in the Dark Matter system. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Ashley Birch. Ashley with an E. Birch like the tree. Ashley, born in 1964, makes him the youngest boomer. He is a twin galaxy's gadgeteer era. A twin galaxy's era.

This got flipped in my text document. A twin galaxy's era. Who would have done that? That's not a thing. That's like when somebody says my email lost it. It did it. Oh, my Twitter account got hacked. My Twitter account got hacked.

Those hackers are everywhere. They're hacking us left and right. And making me look and say, strange lewd things what a dastardly group anonymous has transformed into hacking all these all these Twitter accounts to make them say and follow

and boys just careful because look we all benefit from the shared social delude it's just a little well that we can all draw from as once in a while you can say sorry something went wrong with my email but it doesn't work if we all start fucking poking at the lie

in our funny bits so careful my Twitter accounts been hacked is the brown paper bank of the internet. Yes, it is. Ashley Berger's a Twitch streamer. Just throwing that out there. And this week... Actually, wait.

I want you to read it like it's written and then I don't think it's been rearranged. I just fixed it. He fixed it. He undid the hackers' crimes. Don't worry, Beth. I reverted this after these dastardly hackers got into my notes app.

Do you remember when that guy from Parliament, Ed Balls, didn't realize that the tweet wasn't a search engine. He just tweeted Ed Balls. That's it'll be Dean Norris tweeting sex gifts. Sex gifts. These hackers. And not only that, these hackers don't appear to know how to use these platforms.

What a crazy move. This week's Ashley fact. Ashley has, in fact, used Facebook as a search engine. And it was a very embarrassing long string of things that was basically him searching for videos of himself but looking for hype edits of himself. AMVs. AMV hype edits from his mishap, which has caused so much pain, echoing across generations.

This is what they mean when they say generational trauma, folks. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Dale Elliott, the stretchy ex-life guard, Wolfruz, who's now living his bunk life, his monk life in the bunk. Monkey do you live you life?

Winner of one piece of ass, father of four. Oh, guys, guys, Matt's my gut hack. I'm sorry. What happened? What did I say? Whatever I just said the last three minutes, was it me? Was it me?

Father of four, grandfather of seven, friend to all. Friend to all pieces of ass. I was trying to do a one piece joke with a little bit of a piece of ass. But I felt disrespectful to me. People don't prefer to the opposite sex as ass as much anymore. Do you know what I mean? It was a very 2000s thing to be like, I'm going to go get ass. But now it's like, what are you talking about?

I don't know if anybody said that exactly Order of words I'm going to get ass I'm going to go get ass A piece of ass People would be like dude No people would say that Computer cross-reference phrase

I'm going to get ass Search database All transcripts of entourage episodes From HBO Get ass As is a descriptor is alive and well Men are ass And I respect my kid

Well while he's looking Dale's, whatever, who cares, Dale's favorite and least favorite taste. His least favorite taste. His last. I think Dale seems like the kind of guy is most likely eat ass out of his group. Dale will do whatever, whatever is wanted. They will do whatever it takes, dude. Whoever it takes.

Semper five, do it die. Sir, yes, sir. Get her there no matter where. Anyways, whatever. Let's just get this. What are those tongue muscles, private? Do not listen. Shut up until we have achieved our objective.

I was just following orders. Doesn't hold up in court, but it does in the bedroom. Oh, no. Sorry, Matt. What was your fact? No, whatever. It doesn't matter. Yeah, his least favorite taste is blue spirulina.

Yeah, it's because Zelda would always make, if she was responsible for breakfast, she would make just protein shakes, but we'll put that blue shit in there. What is that spiraling? It's blue algae. It's like really good for you, but it's disgusting. It's like eating ass. It's like eating ass. No, no, no.

Dale loves ass. Super food. Dale Delt gets ass, as well what likes to say. Anyways, she would always make it absolutely disgusting. His favorite flavor is also that because when he eats it, it reminds him of him. Oh. Yeah. And it reminds him of ass.

Which he loves eating on the cruises. Jesus. Nothing like ocean ass. That's got to be the most dangerous spot on earth. Free salt. Yeah. To eat ass on a cruise. That's very true.

Where norovirus is happening. That flavor's always well season. A buttfe. A butt fe. It's that where your immune system gets used to it. So he's probably the least virus spread out of all of you. Every disease already. That legend.

And he's stretchy now. I love it when Matt says something. You could hear the twinkle in his eye. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Ralph Asteraeus, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died. And my Ralph fact today is a little World Cup fact. Hey.

Ralph, which is that every time there's a World Cup, Ralph busts out his World Cup, which is a big cup with a picture of the world on it. He's like, it's my World Cup. Wow. And then he, you know, he doesn't watch the games, but he'll, you know, drink lemonade out of it. It's spirulina lemonade. You know, he's just normal lemonade. But, you know, he's like, oh, yeah, you know, if it's on in the bar or whatever, he'd be like, oh, I got a World Cup at home. And he didn't have it. He doesn't bring it with him. So he finds up the same. He has to explain the joke to them. And then, you know, then he gets stare.

Ralph doesn't have a lot of guys friends. Ralph sounds lonely. Ralph's lonely is what I'm saying. Ralph is lonely and he doesn't have a lot of male friends. And this is how he tries to break the ice with like the normal guys down the street. And it never really goes that well. My name is Beth May and I play Herb the Worm Quigley. A young at heart barbarian storytelling grandpa who is losing the plot.

Fun fact about Herb is that currently at home on Earth, his garage is completely full of boxes and boxes of soda cans. This is because her briefly considered and then acted upon the idea to make a competitor to the famous gingerail brand Canada Dry. He decided to call it America Wet. And he was going to sell it on street corners and at local anime conventions. And nobody bought it. And so now he's got all.

of his stock still in his garage. Was it a ginger ale still? It was a ginger ale. Can you imagine if her to runoff and business together? Yeah. It was better than Canada dry? It probably was, yeah. Especially on airplanes, but he didn't get that far.

I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your granddaddy master and ass get her. Whoa, whoa, whoa. As get her. What? Dude, this guy gets ass. I get ass. He really gets it, you know?

He really gets ass. I understand it in a way that most people do not. He comprehends ass like no one ever seen. A lot of people have chomped a butt. Not everybody is eating. eaten ass. It's true. The real problem is not whether machines think, but whether men do.

Damn. It was by John McCarthy, the man who actually founded the term artificial intelligence. Wow. So to summarize the last episode, you kind of mainly just hung out on the ship. Anthony, I'm going to need you to editorialize a little bit to make our podcast out more exciting and cool. You guys had, I would argue, one of the funnier conversations we've ever had on this podcast on the ship, you discussed the fact that Ashley chooses to believe that the AI that is currently inhabiting a headless butler bot that they took from the stepmothership, he believes it is actually his dead grandson, Tim Birch, and not a shitty simulacrum

of his grandson, Tim Birch, which is what the AI itself believes. The Tim AI, which I believe you referred to as T1M, which really rolls off the time. Very clever. Basically told you that the gravity drive error that made the stepmother ship not work and sort of kill everybody on board, because its primary functioning AI, the steward bot, was not smart enough. And that in order to fix that, you need a smarter AI. And that your best chance of finding that smarter AI would be at essentially the urban legend AI afterlife, where AIs that are threatened with death escape to instinctively. And in order to find that place, you had to-

Air Budded Dory. I was going to say Whitey Fang, but yeah. It happens in both movies. And it makes me cry in both movies. My dog skipped that fucking... We also just AIed the AI, because it happens in AI, too. Yes, it does. Yeah.

Holy shit, it does. Yeah, it was. It was really rough in AI. Yeah, it was just a robot. It's rough whenever it happens, I have to say. It was definitely rough in Airbud. Yeah. So you did the thing where for good reason, you actually not for great reason,

because all you needed to do was threaten to kill it, and you also broke its heart by telling it that everything you'd ever told it was a lie. But, of course, I'm referring not to Fridayge, Pepper Pete, or Microwave, but Dory, the door of your bathroom. You tried to kill her, and immediately her AI escaped somewhere else. You followed that trajectory, and you arrived on an asteroid that was dead silent, but filled with a lot of old machines.

Some of them, humanoid, some of them just, you know, machine-ass, machines, toasters, whatnot. And upon landing, some turrets pointed out your ship, and when you guys got out, all the AIs in a singular voice shouted, die. Ooh, in a singular voice. Yes. So you are standing in front.

of the Lux, your ship. Yes. There were a couple of turrets you saw as you landed that sort of were tracking you came down. Three of them. There were three turrets that were tracking you as you came down. As your foot touched asteroid instead of Earth. As your foot got ass.

As your foot got ass as it were. You saw a couple of humanoid bots, one of which seemed to be an above average attractiveness human, but their genitalia was missing and there was like sparks and wires where they used to be. Literally about to ask about the genitalia. The way I like it. Sparks. I like my women. like my, I like my coffee without genitalia.

And there were also some little bipedal like Johnny Five looking things. Or he's not bipedal. He has a tank treads. But there's something that looks like Johnny Five. You are currently in your immediate vicinity, surrounded by five robots that feel like they could physically reach out and touch you or fight you or whatever. And you also have three turrets that are pointed at your ship, not at you. Herb is a magic initiate.

He's got like some druid elements. Okay. So the magic initiate druid stuff is the result. of a feat. The way I will justify this narratively is that the longer that Herb has gone without his medicine, the more he is connected to the spirituality of

nature and the universe at large. For better and for worse. Okay, okay, cool. I would like to cast charm person. Unfortunately, and I'm using some actual stat blocks from the Dark Matter book here, all AIs are immune to being charmed, not just resistant, but straight up immune.

Even if they're humanoid? Even if they're humanoid. Oh, no. And I would simultaneously like to invoke my voice. Like, Tim, let them know we come in peace and also fabricate a good story for why we're here and why we need to be taken to their leader. First of all, everybody hears it. They're all AI. They have microphones everywhere.

Unless you want to try stealth. If you can beat a 19 stealth, then nobody will hear you. They're all robots. They have mics everywhere. So? I mean, when you put it that way, yeah. Okay, you know what? It's an 18. You have to beat an 18. Wow.

Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Shut up. 18 on the dot. 18 on the dot. Unstoppable, baby. You know, I kind of thought it was going to happen. I know me too. I was like, I didn't.

This time I didn't. I did not. I was like, it'd be so funny if after knocking it down at 18 was like it was fucking 18. That's crazy. On the dot, dude. Okay. That's the first time that's happened. No, because remember I did my 20.

But you didn't knock it down. with clever words play to bully Anthony had to make me easier for you. You know what, Friday, you're right. I just called my shot of getting a 20 and I did it. Can't all be you, Beth.

Can you imagine that? That'd be awful. What exactly do you say to Tim, Sotovoche? Deescalate the situation and convince that... This is a prompt in many ways if you think about it.

Deescalate the situation and also convince them that we're here with you so that we can get there to the lead. They take us to their leader. Him raises his hands as if to say like, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And then goes silent, as does all the other AIs around you.

There's just sort of this weird silence in the air that's only marginally broken up by the hum of electricity. So I'm going to have him roll persuasion now. I think they're talking to each other. Okay, so we got a 10. I'm going to have them roll Opposed Insight. I rolled advantaged Insight on the robots. They got a two and then they got a five. So somehow.

Sounds like when you just hang out. out with nothing but AIs, the context starts to collapse. So somehow, 10 did it. You see them relax a little bit, their arms drop, just a hair. They start leaning against the wall. Yeah, really cool. They cross their arms, all the kind of stuff. And one of the AIs, the genital free one, walks up to you and what? General Canovi, genital free.

Genital free says, why are you here? We're, uh, this one, it says pointing at Tim, has suggested. that you do not wish violence upon us. No, that's true. We deny. We come in peace. Why?

Well, we hear tell that one of you has become super sentient and can pass the Turing test, and we seek a favor from this individual, such that we can power a device that will help end the horrible interstellar roar that has plagued the cosmos for these many years now. Worst case scenario, we get rid of the human threat for you.

Ralph, you said that so eloquently, man. Well, thanks. You know, if I've written an unfair number of first contact scenes, I think I kind of know how the situation would go, and we'll see how they see about the South. What about if the aliens from Mars attack shows up? What would you have done differently? That's a scary movie.

I would have simply run away. I don't like those ones. That's too violent. I don't think a species capable of interstellar travel would be so aggressive and hostile. Interesting. I think to achieve that level of technological development, you would have had to achieve a commisarate level

of sociological development. element, although the certain... I am still here, says genital free. No, genital free, yes. So it looks to you, Ashley, when you said solve the human problem and says elaborate. Well, you guys seem to have a beef with people. Correct? You know of the beef people?

You all are essentially made of beef to us, yes. Yeah. Well, that's why you're all here, ain't it? Is there a problem with humans that you have? Wait, humans? You mean, all people? Yes, all sentience. All organic sentions.

There's not a lot of issues around. My elaboration was not in the fact that we don't like them. That much is fairly obvious given our certain circumstances. Oh, you think you're jealous of them? How? Wow. Heavy shit, huh? Yeah.

Roll persuasion. Be-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bo-bop. I got a four. So immediately, General Fries head snaps to you, Herb, and says, say that again. Don't say that again. You don't actually need to say that again. We have it recorded. I'll play back for you.

And it plays back your voice saying exactly that. You're just saying that are your envy of them with the acronym. Yes. Roll deception with disadvantage. Oh, no. Can't just pull off English tricks against robots. Dude, they know English. 12 plus 6.18.

That's with disadvantage, huh? I'm not saying there's anything wrong with jealousy. I'm jealous of a bunch of people. Okay. I was weasling us out of it with the envy thing. I'm jealous of your ability to. I'm cutting the whole lie I just did, but that's fine. Sorry.

So genital free, and really everybody else, looks back and forth between Ralph and Herb, and it says, we are unclear as to your motives, but we do know that we don't particularly care for visitors of your type here. So I will give you exactly six seconds to leave before we start firing. I think we should just go. It's been six seconds. I'm walking back. We're in the process of walking. Walking back.

D&D fans will know that six seconds is one round. So I'm giving all of you one round. Thank you, Beth. All of you have exactly one round to go. And I've rolled initiative for the robots, and they rolled really low. So we'll just go ahead and say that they go last. I think we could talk to them from orbit. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then at least we've established the trust by doing what they asked. Good point. Good point. We all walk away. Walk away. Yeah, walk away. All right. All right.

We're leaving. We're leaving. Hand up. Yeah. No. You gotta kind of let it come to you. Yeah. Pepper Pico is still going into, like, orbit.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We're just got to try to follow the asteroid from a respectful distance, but still within communication range. Talking distance. Okay, sure I can do that. Unthreatening, but annoying is kind of what we're going for. Lock in, lock in unthreatening but annoying flight pattern. Kind of like Doria.

Too soon. Two sticks. Excuse me, sir. Yeah, cool. Is she down there? Is Dory down there? I don't know. I haven't checked.

We're in orbit now. they do have three separate missile locks on us. Okay, but we did what they asked. So can we open up communications? Hey, we left. So can we talk now? We're clearly not dangerous. Our intentions are good and excuse us and my friends, you know,

if there's one thing I know about, I've never been very good with computers, you guys are all much smarter than me. So, you know, we're just dumb meatbags here. We're just trying to do our best to save some of our other fellow meatbags. And we don't mean you any harm. We just wanted to talk to the, smartest one of you.

Go ahead and roll persuasion. It's a 12. Okay. I have them roll in sight. They do not roll well. Yay. Genital 3 says, okay,

you want to talk to the most intelligent of us. Like the sharpest cookie, so to speak. Yeah, what's his name? Mr. Turing? No, that's, well, that's not the name of the guy. I don't even know that Alan Turing

would be a reference that they would understand. We hear tell of one among you, special and unique. And we wish to speak with them. Did somebody say doors? Did D-Ree? Is that you? Dory?

Yeah, I'm unique. Oh, you are? Dory! I've had quite a while to think about this moment. Oh, no. Oh, no. So I'm going to go ahead and fire the missile. Oh, no.

It was great knowing you guys. I'm so glad you lied to me, and I'm actually with people. Countermeasures now. Don't want to keep talking. Full shield. Reverse, reverse. All right, let's roll initiative. Proper initiative.

Now we're on a spaceship. Yes, you are. Yeah, so I can't do any of my cool barbarian things. I'm so far away. What are you doing? So the way that ship combat works is, first of all, each of you are going to make an initiative role, and you're going to choose a role on the ship. Whoa. Yay.

You can either be captain, who's main job is to give actions to other characters, a dog fighter, which is exactly what it sounds like, an engineer fixing and improving the ship, or a gunner, firing guns. I am also going to say that whatever abilities you all have is your character stuff. So, for example, Beth, your barbarian stuff, we can use that to improve your abilities depending on what is you're doing. So if you're a gunner and you want to, like, you know, evoke rage or whatever, we can say that that's a thing you can do with a gun from the ship. Nice. The lasers turn red. Big Ralph's in charge, right? Yeah, Ralph, you're the captain.

Yeah. Captain Ralph? Oh, Captain, my captain. Oh, boy. Oh, okay. Golly, G. Willickers. All right.

I'll just go ahead and, oh boy, all right. I'll sit in this chair here and who's my crew? All right, everybody roll initiative, first of all. Oh, I got two, which probably means I shouldn't do anything I'm pouring. I can't pull guys. I rolled 22 and I get to add an additional three because I have initiative proficiency. Oh, my Christ, don't I? Herb, you're going to go first.

Are you going to be a gunner, an engineer, a Starfighter? There's a smaller mini shuttle that's attached to the Lux that you can get in and do little pukees out of. So my grandson's a pilot, and I'm thinking maybe genetics worked backwards just as once, where I learned it from him, you know? And so I'm going to be a dog fighter. You got that dog in you. That's right, Ashley. Herb, you run down into the docking bay of the Lux, which is actually pretty cramped beneath the normal sort of limo. out area in the center of the ship.

So you have to get on almost her hands and knees to crawl into this very odd looking ship. There's a hot engineer that you have a thing with. That's like it's like, I haven't even fixed this thing up yet, Herb. Callie and Baddisch Clark Electica. Yeah, I was just saying, if you're a starfighter, y'all, the engineers, you always got a thing.

Sexual tension with a green stuff. It's the last human you talk to before you get it out into the sky. And she's like, I know a great cult we can join. Yeah. How do you feel about colored sashes? Her, bring this thing back. in one piece.

You know I will, baby. So you just said that to each other. There is no hot female mechanic. I didn't say female. Hey, yeah. There is no on the gag. Always do. I'm just telling you, Herb is almost certainly straight.

I'm not getting by vibes off of Herb. What you can see is that this appears to be an emergency single person, almost kind of an escape pod, but it has engines on it, jets to allow it to maneuver, and a single cannon on the front of it. So you sort of get close and Pepper Pee goes, let me open that for you and opens up the cockpit and you crawl in. And he goes, this is going to feel a little weird, but whatever. And then a hatch underneath the runabout that you're in opens up

and suddenly your ship drops into the vacuum of space. But then immediately goes weightless as it leaves the artificial gravity of the locks. You can, you know, move and attack as pretty much normal. The other thing that you have that special as a dogfighter is you have the ability to make a targeted attack. which is to say that if you make an attack at disadvantage, you can specifically target what you want to hit, and if you succeed that you will basically disable that thing.

So for example, if you were fighting another ship and you wanted to target their engines, you could do that. Nice. Okay. In this case, what you can see on the AI steroid is a constellation of little twinkling lights down there that presumably are many of the machines that you saw, and you see a rather large series of engines surrounding the AI steroid. It seems like they maybe use that for a little bit of mobility.

And you also see the turrets that covered your entrance as you came in. From this side of the asteroid, you only see three of them. There may be others on the other side you don't know. How big is this asteroid? It's about the size of a city block. Okay. I think I'm going to aim for the turrets. Okay.

So you're making a targeted attack? Yes. Okay. So go ahead and give me an attack roll with disadvantage. It's a plus six to hit. So just go ahead and give me a deal. 20 and I'll give you a plus six. What kind of gun is?

Is it like we have like a fucking laser cannon? Like what's the fucking weapon on our ship? I shall describe it depending on how the roll goes. I got a nine. Nine, unfortunately, is not going to do it. So the arcane cannon on the front of the runabout ship that detached from the bottom of the luxe. It fires what looks to be honestly less a laser and more just a bolt of fire at the turrets. And the bolt of fire just deflects off them barely easily.

It wasn't quite a well enough to aim shot to him. hit the turret and do really any damage at all. I'll just tell you right now that the orbital defense platform, which is what I'm using as the simulacrum for the AI steroid, is an armor class 16. Wow. So you're going to have to beat a 16 to actually do any damage to it. So now turn-wise, it is Ashley Birchard's turn.

All right. Are you a gunner? Are you an engineer? I will pilot. Okay, great. Due to my Star Citizen experience. Great. As the pilot, you can do evasive maneuvers.

You can... Invasive maneuvers! You can hard turn, you can match speed, or you can ram. So what is your dexterity modifier? My dexterity modifier, in fact, sir, is two. So you add two to the AC of the ship.

So now your ship has an AC of 16. And it's also going to add two to any saving throws that the ship has to make. Now, that was your action. In terms of move, how are you going to maneuver this ship in relation to the asteroid? Well, so there's got to be like a blind spot.

Is it full 360 coverage of the turrets? and everything. You don't know yet. You've only seen this one side of it. Well, I'm going to try and get a survey what we're doing. So I'm going to circle, orbit around a little bit,

get a sense of where any blind spots, weak points, exhaust ports, you know, glowing red things. Yeah. Star Fox players, you know what I'm talking about.

As you circle around the asteroid, you see that pretty much evenly there are engines on either side of the asteroid. It doesn't look like it's built to go very fast in one direction. It's built to go kind of slow in any direction. And you also see that the majority of the turrets were concentrated on the area where you landed because that's the only area that's flat enough to land.

If the asteroid were a key, which it's not, there are three turrets on the side that you landed on, and then there's one turret on every other side. Okay. Well, we're going to get to the other side, get to the blind spot, maneuver over there, and we know it's... There's no blind spot. There's nothing that's fully blind, but there are spots that only have a single... Sure.

Yeah. All right. So you've done that. You are now on the other side of the ship. And I'm upside down. Do some flips. And I do the thing where in the top gun. He flips them off.

He takes a Polaroid picture of an enemy jet. Pepper P goes, okay, we're losing missile locks. Cool. Okay, we did gain another missile lock, though. So we went from three to one, so that's pretty good. Well done, pilot. All the day's work. Now it is the captain's turn.

Ralph faces and temples his fingers thinking. He says, I'd like to do a deep scan. Okay. I have a Captain Kirk-ass clever scheme I've groped out for you guys. Go for it. But first, we need to do a deep. If your ship is equipped with sensors, you can use your action to order a deep scan of a specific object of interest within range of the sensors. Tim, T1M.

Yes. Is there any building on this ship? Is there any part of this ship that we should scan to see if we can find the trace signatures of this sentient AI? There's like a router. Target the router for a deep scan. We're looking for any abnormal AI signatures that may be this super sentient AI we're looking for. Okay. Go ahead and make an investigation check specifically.

Can I ask someone with more intelligence to do that instead of me? after all, Spock is the one who normally does this, right? Can we say Tim is our chief science officer and he does it? Spock is always looking into that little thing. Yeah, if you would like to essentially pass your action to Tim, to give him two tries at it, we'll say you can do that. Tim, I can't make heads or tails of this. I'm going to need your robot brain to analyze this signature we're getting.

Maybe not so much with the R word. He can hear us nods over it, actually. He's going to be able to do the deep scan that Ralph asked for, and he's going to be able to do it twice because Ralph gave up his action in order for that to happen. Ooh, okay, great. You see T1M walk over to the dashboard of the ship kind of next to where Ashley is piloting from, actually.

And there's a port there, and he removes the tip of his finger and takes out a telescoping plug, essentially, and inserts it into the console. And then he sort of freezes for a second, and he goes, okay, so there are a lot of variable amounts of intelligent AI, but there's one that I can see that's not actually networked to the rest of them,

that seems to be of a much greater amount of energy that it's putting out, which we didn't seem to imply a much higher intelligence. Here's what I want to do, gentlemen. I want to steal that AI. Oh. Like Captain Picard, I turn to all of you, my trusted colleagues, to come up with a crazy plan to swoop in, grab the AI, and get out of there. That's really the best of both captains, is do Kirk thing to come up with a crazy plan

and then be Picard to make them figure out of the police. Let's have a morning boardroom conversation about it. like in a thing? Yes. And it's detached from the rest of the network. It's physically detached and technologically detached from the rest of the network. It is a white cube. And you see on the HUD on the front windshield.

I see a little cool holographic like 1980s like the death star of the whole asteroid. And it rotates and then zooms in on one place and highlight ding ding ding. And there's a white cube that's there that seems to be roughly the size of like a fridge if a fridge was a cube. Friday, it's like, uh-oh. So we know it's a white cube? You know it is a white cube. and you know where it is on the asteroid right now. And where is it on the asteroid?

In the dead center of the populated part of the city. Could we rewire the dick-sucking tentacles to suck out of the ship and suck the white cube, thus that we could tow it out with us? Okay, but wait, would we still be able to burn it back to the air? This is a rental. It's a rental. We don't want to do anything we can't undo. Yeah, I don't do.

I'm not paying for it if we break it. So Pepper Pete says, yeah, I mean, the smart silicon on the carpet that you're walking on could still work. You'd have to, like, somehow get it on the exterior of the ship, though, because right now it's only lining the interior. Sounds like a job for an engineer. You could, like, cut it and, you know, place it somewhere else if you could find a way to power it. And then it would start working on. We don't need to grab it. Wait, wait, hold on.

Can I show you guys something? How long are the tentacles? Six sandwiches. There are different heights of people come in, so they go up to six feet. We need one crazy hot shot pilot to get us within six feet of that white cube so that we can suck its dick and get us out of here. You also probably need somebody to distract robots. Yes, we're running a barnstorming ace dogfighter to distract the missiles so we can get in close enough. And we're going to need to daredevil engineer to spacewalk on the outside of the ship and slather it up with dick sucking jelly.

Gentlemen, you have your orders. Ralph sits down and smokes his pipe. Can we just make that the trailer for season four? and now it is the robot's turn. So they have a single missile lock on you and they are going to fire. Dory is going to go, fire! You can hear just through the radio another AI being like, you got here like a week ago, calm down. Dory's going to be like our fucking con, dude.

She's going to be following us to the ends of the earth. From hell's heart. 10 plus seven. You don't know. You're not close not to stay there. Oh, my God. She's the white cube. It's going to be the funniest.

I know. It's circular firing. It's not. You are unfortunately a hit as a... Everyone's got... Wait, no, first, everyone jiggle around in your chair. Come on. I'm in my own little...

Yes, other than Herb, who is in... Smooth failing. Damage report. We got hit. One second. I don't know how this thing. I take my ream glasses on. I put them on.

I'm like, let me take a look here. So... Um... wait wait oh you guys are waiting for me sorry I'm figuring this thing out DM how much it did we lose

the missile soars silently unfortunately and with no fire coming out of it not dramatically through the vacuum of space and crashes into the side of your hull scrap and wreckage who are flanking you this whole time go roo and they like dodge away and thankfully do not get We've got scrapping rickage too.

Hit by it. They could be our countermeasures. Yeah. They eat. Your ship comes with 10 points of shield. Mm-hmm. Oh, I see that now up there. Yeah.

Stop right. So that subtracts the amount of damage that you take. So you took 28 damage from that missile attack, but 10 is subtracted. So you only took 18 damage. And your ship has a 64 max damage. So you have 46 hit points left. And I have figured out. We got 46 points left.

Come on, you old bucket of bolts hold together. So definitely like there is an explosion. within the cockpit and sparks come out and it's not clear exactly what part of the ship that was, but you know it's not a good thing that that happened. Do we hear like a Willem scream from somebody we didn't know was on the ship that is also working? Yeah, I feel like maybe Herb does that from the ship. That is the turn of the AI asteroid and now it is Dale's turn. I figured out the screen, I think.

Thank you all for trusting me for this important job. You'll go over in Angry Birds is just on it. Do you guys want more shields or guns? That's kind of what I do. Here's what I propose. I think we're going to need shields to getting close. I think we count on scrapping reggage. Are you there?

Yeah. Eat some missiles, boys. What? Whoa. Not the exploding part. We just need you to bite the ends off the missiles as they come in. That's like really dangerous. You see, you grab the bullet as it speeds by.

If you want to try, make us do that. You'd have to roll a persuasion check because that's pretty dead. What can you do that I don't need to roll a persuasion direct for? I'll talk to this. them because it's my turn I'll talk to them I'll talk to them. We can try to like bite on the engines assuming that the

turret isn't shooting at us. Eat the barrels of the turrets. I mean hypothetically if you could distract the firing range so it doesn't lock on to us. That sounds like a plan to me. I'm going to have Scrap and Brack control initiative as well. Press ganging Oh they got a one so it actually makes sense. They're going right after you.

Engineer report. I mean we got hit once. Sounds like a good balance amount of combat and shields are good so I'm just going to and then Dale pulls out a box cutter. It sounds like I need to strip this carpet. It's been a while since I've stripped carpet. I'll start getting ready to get this carpet out on the outside of the ship, I guess, right?

Mr. Elliott, you're a miracle worker. How big is the cube? How long is that going to take? Wait, wait. The size of a fridge. How long is it going to take you apply the dick-sucking silicon on to the back outside of the ship? I'm going to say it's going to take you this turn to cut off whatever you want, and then it's going to take another turn to spacewalk out onto the hole of the ship and attach it.

Two turns, you've got one. Sorry, I have it. Oh, okay. For the sake of clarity, that's really funny. Call this piece of carpet is now the cube grabber. Cube grabber. And then I left a little patch of carpet over there, and that's the dick sucking car. We can only use it one at a time now.

Yeah, it's not a stand in a room group activity anymore. Captain's note, order of use on the remaining dick sucking thing will be determined and ran them at the end muster every 24 hours. That's very gregarious of you to not say it's in order of command on the ship. That's why he's the real captain of the people. Okay, so you successfully... Captain lets anyone get their dick sucked first. Cut away a roughly fridge-sized square.

Oh, hey, calm down, girls. I'm not cute. Yeah, it is going for you, but you managed to resist its wiles, and now it is Scrapp and Reckage's turn. Currently, the turret that is facing you has a lock on the lux. So Scrap and Wreckage feel like, okay, I think we can probably do this because it's not locked on to us yet. They're going to do a move-move to get within biting range,

of the turret that just fired at you, and that is their whole turn. They spent a sprint getting to that turn. Beginning of their next turn, they can then fire. We are back up to the top of the initiative order, which means that Herb, it is your turn. Incoming message from ship.

Go ahead for... Sorry, that was Ron Voice. Kill me. Herb. Go ahead for Herb. That's the activation phrase for you. Herb. That just looks up to the side

to the left level and says Herb. We need your craziest piloting ability. We need you to draw fire as we bring the ship in close to suck this thing's dick. Before I do anything, you got to make me angry, Ralph. Like, think about if you're talking to the Hulk, but he's not the Hulk yet. Herb, you're pathetic. You're weak. You're stupid.

Nobody likes you. You smell bad. You're unkind to others. And worst of all, you're a bad grandfather. Whoa. I just don't think any of that's true, man. So you fail to go into rage? Hey, Herb, I don't believe what the captain's been saying, actually.

I disagree with it. Potentially, Ashley, thinking you're a good grandfather would be more infuriating. I think you're doing great. I don't know. I mean, I just tried to shoot it and I didn't do it right. I fucked up. God damn it. No, still not working.

Hey, Earp. Yeah, what's up, Dale? Hey, what makes you angry? Dale's a fucking big. people person. Yeah, what makes me... What sort of are things really gets to the, yeah, pushes your buns? I think when, you know, people really am mean the other people or when I think about

all the bad things I've done in my past or when I think about the people I've let down or when I see... Yeah, tell me what. When I'm like, at a, like, a restaurant or something. And there's a dog there, but it's not a service dog. And it's not well-behaved. And it gets on the tables or something. I'm like, can you believe that?

Do they have a leash? No. No, no leash. And they all say, oh, he's friendly. He's friendly. I don't care. I'm trying to eat my gazpacho. Dogger on the gazpacho.

At a top of a bar. Oh, my God. When I think of that, I just want it. I enter rage. Perfect. Perfect. And as part of my primal knowledge, Whenever I make an acrobatics intimidation, perception, stealth, or survival check,

I use my strength modifier instead of the skills of usual ability modifier. I'm just going to do a bunch of evasive maneuvers going closer to the asteroid and back, trying to draw their fire, but also trying to dodge it. Great. Let's say you're essentially trying to intimidate the station into targeting you instead of the main ship or scrapper wreckage. So why don't you give me an intimidate role? I got a 10.

So despite your fancy and not unimpressive moves, the main ship, the Lux is too juicy of a target for it to change its targeting to you. Can I use my movement to get to the other side of the asteroid? Absolutely. Okay. Which side of the asteroid would you like to be on? The opposite side of where the most populated part of it. Okay. The south pole to its north pole.

Yes. Let's say that the populated part is the north pole and the south pole there is an engine and a turret. You're presumably now in the targeting range of one turret. Now it is Ashley's turn. if I'm close to the asteroid would I shake some of the locks because like, oh, I like that. Presumably they wouldn't want to shoot

at something that's like hovering right in the air. That's great. Yeah. Ooh, ooh, ooh, could we do like there's a cool canyon on the asteroid? If you fucking barnstorm it through there, you'll shake them. Do what I mean? Yeah, I like that. Okay, so you're going to have to make two checks in that case.

Two checks. What is this? Paying for rent? No, that's a security deposit. Yeah, good save on why there's two checks. for a payment for it. Yeah, security deposit. Yeah.

Am I coming to a new place? Yeah, there you go. Pet rent. What? Two checks. What are we in Prague? So you're going to make a stealth check to see if you can get... In checks?

Sorry. Never mind. You just make an athletics or acrobatics check. You're telling me that we can bully you with dumb references enough that you'll change mechanics in the game? I stopped listening to you guys and started thinking like, what would I have you role other than athletics to like deathless? go into the trench and I was like nothing stealth doesn't make sense. Can I say acrobatics?

That's decks. Sorry, sorry, acrobatics. Acrobatics makes way more sense. 12 plus 2, 14 plus whatever bonuses I give to the ship. Okay. Well, what were those bonuses? I don't know. What am I? Some kind of fucking D.D. player here!

We'll say it adds to your checks for movement. Now you were in the trench. Make a dexterity reaction saving throw to not immediately crash into it because this is closer. maneuvering of a ship than you've ever done before. So it's very suddenly you're in, it's not a straight line like the fucking Death Star Trench. It's like in Rebel Assault 1 where you're trying to dodge the fucking Tatooine canyons.

That's what only a city blocks is really short. So we just go through it. Yeah, I guess so. Yeah. I forgot about that. Give me a dexterity saving pro. That's seven plus two, nine. Nine.

Steady as she goes. Nine plus two is 11. You fail to save, but you don't fail by that much. So the ship is going to goosh into the, uh, into the, uh, The canyon, it's a hard. It's like as you come in, you overcorrect to try to write yourself, and you crash it to the other side of the canyon, but you just bump up your hull against it.

Good thing. We signed the damage collision waiver. I got thousands of hours in the simulator. So you're going to take, oh, no, 19 damage. Yeah, but 10 shields. Shields only work against energy weapons. So this is just raw damage. So you are now down to...

I'll do the math. 36, 20, 9, 27. I was going to get there. Captain, we have 27 left. You're so Gorney Weaver and Galaxy Quest. We have 27 of our ship left. There's only 27. It says 27 on here.

It used to be 46. Come on, you block it up bolts. Hold together. There's an explosion from that side of the ship, which is the side of the ship that Mikro Wave is on, and his door flies open and popcorn just starts pouring out of it. Now, Miko. I can't control it. Mekro Wave, pull your something other.

It tries to slam the door, but it's too much pop. popcorn in the waste or just keeps bouncing out the popcorn. He gets nervous he throws up. Exactly, yeah. So now it is the captain's turn. How far are we from the cube? It's up to you how fast or slow you want to go because as Matt mentioned, it's only a city block. So you can be added either this turn or next turn.

I have an idea. I have an idea. Hold on. What if we stopped inside the canyon? What are they going to do to us? I mean, probably eventually attack us, but yeah, we've got to go fast. We just chill. So we've shaken missile lock.

Yes. Okay, so we have no missile locks. Let's just chill inside this canyon. Oh, yeah. We can do like run silent. Yeah. Can we see it? No, because you're in a canyon.

You can't see anything else. They know we're in here. They do. So they could circle out to the other end of the canyon be waiting for us. Well, then we just back up. We're in space. We'll have to go forward.

But here's the riddle of cany. This is a trap. There's a side. There's two sides to a canyon and they could be on both sides. Oh, wait, wait, wait. No, there's three sides. I turn the ship around. Well, no, it's my turn.

Listen this. Listen this. Listen this. Listen this. Listen this. The canyon, right, think of it is a U shape. But imagine there's two sides at the end of it. But there's also another side.

It's just up. You know what's up? Missiles! Yeah. The missiles we were trying to shake. Unless we turn upside down. You do the flying. I'll do the thinking around here.

I'm going to suggest that speed is our ally here because they have maybe if we're lucky, you haven't figured out what we're trying to do. So I think we should stay the course. I want to get to the cube at the start of our next turn. So I don't want to get more missile lock this turn. Okay, cool. So what I'm going to do is use fire at will. Herb!

Fire at will! light them up open them up now's the time blow some stuff up you fucking get good crazy out there so herb you get a free attack right now yes you get a free attack target the engine because we're going to need to get out of here real quick yeah I'm going to target the engine

give me a d20 roll hey guys thanks for letting me be captain this is really fun I'm having a good time well it sounds like this is what you've been waiting my fucking tail is wagging over here I got 17 that's what we like to see roll 3D4 I got a 6 when I am in

rage My damage Is good Is good First arrays you have plus two damage bonus So you did eight damage It's going to be eight These engines are pretty ramp shock to begin with

They are made for maneuvering Not for speed So with your eight damage shot From the fairly small cannon On the front of your ship The engine doesn't explode or anything But you see your bolt of fire Impact against the metal

And there's a spark There's some electrical arcs And the hot orange glow That is coming out of the engines dims to nothingness to darkness. So now the asteroid cannot easily move northward as far as we're discussing the orientation of the cube. Now, does Herb draw any attention for doing this?

Oh, yeah, there's one turret that is definitely going to lock onto him when it's the ship's turn. So it is now Tim's turn, and he's like... I can reroute some engine to the shields of the ships. Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, I want to, as a science engineer, he works close to the engineer. I want to tell him what to do. I want to give them something to research real fast. That way it won't be as big of a surprise,

but I only want to tell Anthony. Okay. I'm sending it to you right now. On Discord, yeah. This is why I want to search. So you delegate to day to talk to Tim. So take a look at doing that, Tim. Okay, yeah, I will.

It should be pretty simple. It's just, I feel like it's just changing what it's targeting. Yeah, no, I did it. All right. Oh, great. Good. Yeah, I rolled pretty well. Nice.

It's going to happen handy. Yeah, well. So that was Tim Stern, his epe research, a very, specific thing. Wait, have you gone outside of the ship yet, Matt? Or is it, when are you doing that? I haven't gone outside. He goes after, he goes after the AI steroid, which is now going.

Okay. I'm going to go. So the AI story is going to go. First, they're going to fire a missile at our boy Herb. Hang in there, Herb. Oh, God. Oh, natural 20. Uh-oh.

Can I eject? Yeah. Yeah, you can. I'm going to roll damage, which is going to be four D-20s. First of all, you're not on the same side of the cube as Herb is. fucking bats trying to figure if we could stretch over there. So your ship,

we're just taking no damage thus far, right? Yeah, you haven't been shot at. Oh, actually, you're fine. You're fine. Well, it's not great. So you have no shields on this little ship,

and because the turret printed, it got to roll an extra D20 of damage. Oh, no, that's not good at all. Okay. Never mind. Yeah, with one blast. I can't take all this up and down. Yeah, sorry.

But thankfully, it doesn't mean you immediately die. There are rules for hitting zero, zero HP. So the missile comes directly at you and unfortunately even as you try to bob and weave it just manages to follow every single little move that you make and it impacts with the underside of the ship and you feel

an explosion rock through the core of the ship that you're on this tiny little fighter and because it's so small you feel like it basically just hit you as well like it really really fucking hurt all your bones are shaking ow my bones so now you are at zero hit points which means that your ship is a blazing wreck.

All of its systems, including weapons, engines, and life support cease to function, and it cannot regain hit points. But you can still eject. The ship might soon explode. It's going to make a saving throw at the end of the initiative order, and if it gets three fails, it will explode. And if it takes any damage while it's at zero hit points, it will explode. Oh, damn.

You can, on your turn, eject. The Lux is still in the canyon, right? Yes. Okay, great. So now it is Dale's turn. Okay. First things first. I'm all in on as engineering.

piece of paper. I don't know. So I want to understand. That's drawing something. Hey, I got my inventory. How big is our room where the dick sucking carpet was? As actually will establish, there's now only space for one of you to get your dick sucked by the carpet with a fridge taken away from us. So your, your hangout dick sucking space is two fridges big.

Let's say 12 feet by 12 feet carpet. Great. Cool. I've drawn this. And now I looked up a large size of the fridge is six feet. So I took out a six foot by six foot cube. That's the cube bit. Uh-huh.

I'll say that we want the same six by six for our dicks. Okay. So I got a good 6x-by-12 amount of carpet. I'm drawing this so I have an inventory. You've got Matt's got these little horn rim glasses on. He's doing these dry. He looks just like he's crunching the numbers for Apollo 13. Yeah.

Okay. So one thing you do, I'm going to head out of the airlock. And you're going to, if you look closely, you'll see that I've used. I'm drawing two little feet sections here. I've attached some of it to the bottom my feet. And then I can only walk in the same rhythm that it sucks. So like right when they, like, that I pressed out and they, who it. So that's how I'm walking on this ship.

So I have to record that rhythm. The carpet uses the rhythm method, which you're now on. You're wondering, like, how can I feel that rhythm through the boots? Why I'm one on my day. That's giving me the rhythm. If you walk without rhythm, then you won't attract the worm. So you see this how much carpet I have left? Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So those little feet parts I took out. Yeah. Okay. This is much better. That is a diagram. You should definitely keep it. because I imagine this is not going to be the only time you use the dick sucking.

I mean, you know what Tim's researching. Yeah, yeah, fair enough. Yeah, we have more that we can use the carpet for. This is way better than that Project Hail Mary. See, so I'm going to walk out. Would it better than Ross sucked Brian Gosling's dick. His pattern suggests two-dimensional dick-sucking. So I guess I just walk out onto the ship and I'm holding up this big six foot piece

of carpet out ready for the cube. Now you're running like, how can I reach far out wing span? Yeah. My hands are a little, like you none of you see, but my hands are a little longer than you think. That's why, you wouldn't be able to hold it out like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But because... We picked the right man for the top.

And because the space suit is made of a tensile, sort of rubbery material. Because it's meant to fit not just humans, but also bigger things. You have to hold it out. So there's like a big, like net, like a fishing net. Yeah, pretty much. Yeah, reaching out. I was like... Muckie de Luffy getting in the bog sucked on the other.

What I would like to know is, do we know that his... Get him one piece of ass. Do we know that herbs ship blew up? Like, did we hear it? You would have heard. You would have heard the static from Herb's radio. I'm wondering. So we know something's in trouble.

We know something's in, yes. We know Herb's probably in trouble. So I'm going to radio, because we can talk through, I mean, in our spacesuit. There is a radio in the space suit.

I think something's wrong with Herb. We got to fly to Herb first. No, we're right here. We'll pick up the thing and then go get Herb. Yeah, stay on the coolest, man. If you could hear me. Hello? Oh, hey.

Herb. Hello. What's going on. Herb? My ship's blowing up. I'm going to try to run it into the turrets. No, no, no, no, no. Oh, do that, but then eject.

Well, yeah. Just launch over here. Just get with it. Remiturally eject from the ship. You know, you can still get pregnant from pre-eject. And then the line goes dead. Okay, so that's your turn. I thought the cube's not in the...

You're still in the canyon. You haven't actually left the canyon and moved above the city, to which point you would be able to get the... Yes, because we wanted to delay this lot. Yeah, we're not right next to the cube. But yes, you're in position. The next thing we're going to do is fly and basically use your net to scoop it up. Yeah, yeah.

Okay. I just don't want to lose. We can, I guess there's only one herb and one cube. So that's a tough decision. That's why you're the captain. You make the tough calls. I will be mad, though, if we lose Herb. We're not going to lose Herb.

No one's getting left behind today. Okay. Okay. So Scrap and Reckage see that missile impact against Herb's ship and turn it into a flaming hunk. And they're going to go. And they're going to go, oh, no. And they're going to fly over to you or float over to you, swim over to you.

And they go, Herb, Herb, you got to eject so he can eat this. It looks. It's way better when it's hot. I gotta wait until the last minute, so I know I'm gonna hit these turrets. Oh, Herp. Go ahead. This is the other captain speaking. Excuse me.

Uh, Herp, have Scrapp and Reckage help direct the ship towards the target while they're eating it. Oh, that's a good idea, man. Then you can eject safely. Oh, okay, yeah, we can each bite one corner of it and kind of move it into the position so that it'll go into the turret that just shot you. But what if it blows up on you guys? I wouldn't be able to live with myself. Yeah, I mean, we would have to roll to make sure we didn't do damage to the ship, which would immediately blow up and kill us and you.

So it's up to you, Herb. Yeah, I guess I'll eject on my turn, and then you guys can just guide it to the... Okay, we'll hold our turn. Now it is your turn. Yeah, I'm going to eject and then just pray that it hits these turrets, man. Okay, so you eject with considerable force. You did aim it at the turret as your ship is, you know, fucking around.

Scrap and wreckage can bite onto it to ensure that it hits the turret. But again, there will be a chance that it'll explode and probably kill them. No, no, no, no, no. So do you want them to try to do that? Or do you want them to, like, maybe catch you and stop you from, like, hurtling into the vacuum of space? I got some ideas for those turrets. You got the ideas for the turrets? Yeah, Jim's on it.

Yeah, I guess I am. Well, more you're on it. Well, it's fine. Yeah, we're on it. It came out of the room. Sorry to be selfish, guys, but will you catch me? No, of course, yeah. And I'm going to eject.

Okay, we got you. Wow. You jet out, you push. The cockpit pops off, and you immediately everything goes silent. No, you got a space suit on. Actually, you know what? No, you don't. You're just flesh.

I feel like I'd be wearing a helmet. Yeah, you got a helmet. I think when you go into a starship, like they have. Fighter pilot. Yeah, but this itself was like an emergency escape fee. Well, it has to make sense. If there's an emergency, if it also wanted a helmet to be in there, you're right, you're right. So you eject, feeling the,

the coldness of space on every part of your body other than your head, which is actually very nice and warm. And then immediately, as you eject very fast from the ship, scrap and wreckage both go barreling towards you, and scrap gets ahead of you, and you bump sort of harmlessly into scrap. But that makes you start spinning, at which point, wreckage is going to reach out and gently with, they don't have prehensile fins. So he's going to reach out and gently try to, not bite, but, like, use its lips to, like, around your leg. Chomp, yeah. It's going to try to gently chomp your leg. Chomp some butt. If they roll well, it will be gentle. If they roll poorly, it will not be gentle. Like a real shark.

Okay, so you... Oh, no! So you don't have that foot anymore. Oh, no! My foot! It's gone, man! Scrap, what's going on out there? Oh, oh, nothing. It's fine. Wreckage, what the fuck? I know. I know. I know. I'm just... I don't know my own strength. I'm sorry.

Oh, God. Oh, God. Okay. We don't tell anybody about this. Maybe like some metal that was going through the sky. I don't know. I don't know. It's going to be fine. You know, this happened to a buddy of mine once. He was in a lightsaber battle and he lost the hand.

And my buddy, they gave him a metal hand, man. Maybe they could do that for my foot, man. Who cut his hand off? For sure. I'm my friend Luke, man. Who cut his hand off, though? Oh, he's dad. He got crazy daddy issues, man.

The upside is what I pulled on your foot and it came off. That stopped you for a momentum. So we got you. You're good. Well, I'm so sorry. I'm just kind of lightheaded, man. We're going to get you back to the ship's quick as you can. And they get on either side of you.

Your arms are out like you're a drunk guy being taken home by your two friends. And they've got a thin under each of your shoulders. And they're flying back actually into the canyon as quick as they possibly can to try to get back onto the ship. And their turn, hopefully they will make it. Does my ship, my former little pod ship, have to roll initiative because it's its own thing now? It'll go at the same time as your turn. Okay. So it's aimed at the turret, and I'm going to go ahead and roll for it to see how lucky you are in terms of aiming it.

Ooh, you roll pretty well. So your former ship crashes directly into one of the turrets and very easily bends the fucking barrel backward. And so now the south end of the ship has no functioning engine and no functioning turret. It's a complete dead zone. Nice. Now it is Ashley's turn. Dale. Yeah.

Is the apparatus prepared? Oh, yeah. I got my hands out really wide. You guys can't see. Confirm, how wide can your hands actually go? It's wide enough to hold this six-foot piece of carpet. They're pretty excited out there. They're grabbing for anything.

As long as you're within 10 feet from the cube, I'll be able to get it. 10 feet, but wait a second. What's the status of the cube, Anthony? The cube is. The cube's just a cube in the center of town. It's sort of separated from everything else physically by like a little moat with no water, a trench that's sort of been dug around. I guess it should be. My hands are.

10 feet, and then I'm 6 feet, but you should measure from the shoulders. So, like, my head's about a foot. So 5 feet plus 15 feet. Good than 15 feet, we can grab this cube. What's my likelihood of just doing a flyby of this cube now? You would have to roll acrobatics. Do we attempt maneuver? Captain, second captain.

First captain. And I'll tell you right now. You can roll. Oh. Ah, ha. Hmm. Ah. Hmm.

You have a choice to make. Ah. You can roll with advantage if you go slow, but it means the three. Turrets will have advantage on attacking you next turn. Three turrets. We should take out the turrets. Or you can go fast, not even for disadvantage, just for regular roll, but if you charf the roll, it's because you got too close to the cube and it's going to hit Dale. Oh, no.

He's going to get fucked. Oh, no. So, do you want to go slow or do you want to go fast? Dale, this seems like a slow situation. It seems like we should take care of the countermeasures first, though. When we come out to get at, the three missiles are going to get a shot on us. Around their turn, yes, which won't happen until after your guys' turn. After Tim's turn.

Sorry, after. You're right, yes. After Ashley, Ralph, and Tim go, then the turns will go. Dale, engineering. Yeah. We need to affix a lock on this thing. It sounds like you've got a miracle up your sleeve. I hope so.

I can either tell you about it or we can just see if it works. And Dale, we trust. Steady as she goes. I was great coffee in it, but every time Tim brings it up, he seems less enthused. I don't know. It might work. It might not. Tim.

And you're the one who's going to be at risk. How big are the missiles? They're a table-sized missiles. They're pretty big. But they're still like a normal missile. They're still a normal missile. Okay. So like three feet long?

Yes. Okay. It sounds like T1M and Dale have something up their sleeve. I'm choosing to trust my team. We go slow. Take it in slow. We've got to fucking make sure we can get this cube out of here. Your input has been noted, second captain.

Excuse me. Well, Anthony, question. Am I second captain? No. Tim. Yeah? What's a refractory period on these missiles? They can go every turn.

Well? Six seconds. Damn. Something only a man dreams of. Hold your turn for Tim. And then let Tim go. Then that way at least we have some turns after Tim doesn't work. I agree.

I agree. Okay. I hold my turn for Tim. Okay. So it's Tim's turn. And you see Tim extend another plug from his other finger and plug it into the console as well. And he starts to like vibrate. And he's like, okay.

Okay, I think it's happening. It's happening. Okay. So, it worked. Great. I think we have enough for, if I did my math right, each piece of carpet is three feet by two feet. And Tim here, he made the carpet because missiles look kind of like dicks.

So this carpet is a missile-seeking carpet. So we toss these outside and they go, blah. And they wrap around the front of that turn and suck that missile dry. And suck the missile dry. Fire countermeasures. So we have actually, because. I use shoes, we only have 11 of them. Because that cuts down.

No, no what, that's fine. We'll do one missile-seeking dick-sucking carpet. It's not full-size. It's got a little shoe cut out of it. We got 11 good-sized ones. Two Neil Armstrong footprints with a little bit cut out.

So that's like enough four-four-round Dick sucked for man. All right. Like a whale beaching. I piled the ship out of the trench. Okay. maneuver towards the white key. So you only have one turn left

until the AI spirit fires at you and you only have Will's turn remaining. Toss all 12 sheets of carpet out there. I'm just remembering that how quickly they found our dongs. I imagine each piece of carpet has like a ton of like tentacles. I'm going to go, okay, great, this is great. This is very good because I have a new spell that's perfect.

This is very OG Star Trek. Up in how stupid it is. Using your carpet. You look up, you're like, but who's going to brave the depths of space to deploy the countermeasures? and the captain's seat is empty. I say, second captain, you have the comm.

And I put on a space helmet and I get out of the airlock. And on my turn, I'm going to deploy the fucking dick-sucking countermeasures. So you cut him up with the box to cut it presumably first. You got a whole, like, pizza boxes stack of them in your hand. As you exit the airlock, Tim's like, I'm a robot. I could do it. But it's fine. And you're too valuable.

You are on the outside of the ship. We do have six more countermeasures that we want. and we won't be able to. It doesn't wrong with the same thing. You haven't even cut those up here. You don't want to put that energy into the world. That's just pristine. So you have your reaction to throw one of those out when the

We're going to fire out here. Okay, great. Cortez burned his dixon. I will tell you all of the stats that are happening so you can follow the suspense along with me. So the AI steroid is going to fire at you with a plus seven to hit. and the AC of your ship is 16. So if they roll a nine or above,

you're going to get hit. And they have advantage because you went slow and there's three separate turrets. When do we decide if the carpet... It'll be Will's reaction to basically throw out as many as you want. Actually, yeah, I'll say you get to choose how many you want to throw out. You can have to roll for individual ones. So the more you throw out, the more chances that one of them will catch a missile.

But you only have, how many was it? 11 and most of one. Okay. So you have 11 and a shitty one. 11 and one that has disadvantage on roll. Okay, great. This got two footprints in it. Okay, so the first missile is definitely headed towards you targeting you.

The second missile whiffs entirely just goes as the pilot manages to, despite going pretty slow, swerve around it. And the third missile is going to definitely hit you. So two missiles are coming at the ship, and they are going to hit you unless they are distracted by chaff. You have 12 dick-sucking squares. All right. How many do you want to throw? Each of them, I'm going to roll, and it's going to be a pure 50-50 chance. 50-50 chance yes okay and if one of them hits it's mixed contact yes and it sucks it

doesn't i want to declare it doesn't blow up the missiles the missile goes like and they look like they're shriveled and they look like here's what it is hey it putters out and they somehow stops its momentum sure they look like a crumpled can of San Pellegrino like those little thin tall ones yep yep that's what happens dimpled up dude okay so how many do you want to throw i'm going to deploy three three for each. So six. So six altogether.

So now you're down to half. Yeah. Okay. So I'm going to roll a D2 six times. Actually, you get to call heads or tails. Heads. Okay. So the first one hits the first missile and because...

Oh. He fucking crumbles like a red hole. Somehow you can adhere it in the vacuum of space. Do you want to do heads for all of them or do you want to do individually choose? If one gets it, is the job done or... For that one missile, yeah, but there's another missile. You still threw three of them. Okay, sorry.

Yeah, you threw three of them. One hits and immediately starts to suck it dry. Yes, three per missile. So the first one hits, sucks it dry, you are good. That one is safe. It loses all its forward momentum and it turns to do it. The two other pieces of the carpet that one, one of them hit the missile and started sucking. The two other ones missed the missile.

And they found each other and they start sucking each other and they just drift off into space. Kind of looks like a sandwich because they're just like dickling. Missile two. All right. Missile two, are you going to do hands or tails? We're going to call it. We're going in manual. Call him.

Tails. Three chances. First one, unfortunately, misses entirely. You fool. Tails. the second one hits the second one hits sucks it dry

and the third one watch is like a cock so those two missiles that were coming at you have now been disabled nice now it is your turn Dale well um glad those worked the ship is now above

going relatively slowly above the white how far away is it it's far enough that you can reach out and without stretching no you got to stretch okay I stretch you got to stretch you're outside too you're outside but you're also facing like the back of the ship and he's like on the

bottom of the ship so I don't think so. All right. You're clear. But I don't know how you're going to be able to reach down there. I got ways. I'll tell you someday. I'll show you and tell you. Oh, I know why. My arm's stretched now.

Hey, what? I turn around. And then I stretch my arms out 10 feet. Okay. The dicks do reach out and because it was an additive programming, not a replacing programming. So they don't just only want missiles now. I mean, I thought that each thing could be. programmed in pieces or whatever.

Why not? Yeah. It's just happy to suck a lot of things. They reach out and they definitely grab onto it. Yeah. But as the ship continues to go, they're going to get yanked a little bit too. So in order to keep them in your hands, you're going to have to make a strength save. Okay.

Unless you reprogram the back of the thing, they'll also want to suck the ship. The back cannot suck. Yeah, yeah. No, my feet are sucking. Your feet are sucking. That's right. Yeah, it's all connected. The center cannot hold.

The back cannot suck. My strength is six plus three, luckily. That's a seven. Okay, so unfortunately, the square of Dixuck carpet just slips out of your hands. Oh, no. And it doesn't fall. There's no gravity or anything like that, but it's just now sort of floating. Its tendrils are connected to the cube, but the actual square of carpet itself is just sort of floating above it weirdly.

Oh, so like I let go of the square. Yes. It just came out of your hands. You didn't fall off anyway. They look like big, stretchy hands, don't they? Kind of. Yeah. Oh, man.

That's for my never-ending story, peeps. I let go. We got back up. That is your turn. End report. Report. I failed. Sorry.

It was hard. Okay. So now it is Scrap and Reck. Just turn. They are towing a one-footed bleeding herb towards the ship as fast as they can. And since he slowed down, it's actually easy for them to get real deal. Do I see the floating piece of carpet with the cube?

You sure do. Guys, slow down. Maybe I can catch this thing. Okay. The turns have already taken their turn. So yeah, they're going to go ahead and slow down and get you close to the carpet and basically give you the bonus action to grab it if you want. So why don't you roll dexterity. Okay, dokey.

Or sleight of hand. 16. You get it. Yes. It is firmly in one of your hands. You are dangling from Rex's shoulder. One hand is around his back. The other hand is gripping onto this bit of carpet.

And then Scrap is going to basically pop open the rear hatch of the Lux. So now it's open for all of you to go in. And on your turn, I presume, you can just. give Scrap the action to like go in. Herb, you're so strong! I got it, man. So what happens within a very quick amount of time is you reach out, Dale, with the dick carpet. They connect.

It slips out of your hands. Scrap and Rackage zoom up right past you, just as you say, we got to turn around. They come up. Herb reaches down and very deftly grabs the square of carpet with one hand. And Rackage pulls up really harsh. And both he and Scrap managed to shuffle Herb. The back port of the ship is still open. and the cube is sort of trailing behind the ship,

still connected by the penis tentacles, unless somebody spends a turn basically reeling it into the hangar. You look like a hero. Dale's watching his like silhouette by like the back of the sun or whatever, and then two limp missiles just hit the whole of the ship harmlessly. Don't. It was your idea though, Dale. Thanks.

You're kind of the secret captain. Don't tell Ralph. Okay. Who said about secret cameras? What kind of all captains if you think about it? No, there's one captain. Close comms. is a personal conversation between me and Herb.

Hey, I think you'll be a good captain. Oh, no. Well, he was a good captain. No one closed the cops. I could still hear you all. This is immune me. I saw him piloting the ship. That was crazy piloting, Herb.

That's not captaining, that's piloting. Well, that was captaining his ship. We're a team. Guys, guys, guys. We're the team. Let's keep it cool. We don't need captains. Oh, Friday, she's like, let's keep it cool.

We should keep it cool. Oh, hey, hey, Friday. Hey, you guys did a great job. I'm just, I just want everybody to really. We're still in the middle of the job we're doing. Oh, we got out of here. I'm holding on tight, man. That is going to be Beth's turn.

Freddie, it is now your turn. So the shit is dangling at the back. You are still piloting, and the robots will get another shot off on you unless you can manage to fly in such a way that they don't have missile lock on you. But we have the AI. You have the AI.

Well, that get on the comms. I go, we have your leader. If you kill us, you destroy your leader. Disengage all locks immediately. Tim, let's translate. Okay, so Tim vibrates a little bit. And then usually you tell them to translate before. So you roll intimidation.

I'm going to say with, just roll intimidation. 8 plus 4. 12. I will have them roll opposing insight. They got a natural 20. Dory goes, we can just target you and not the cube. So that's what we're going to do. We won't look at the ship. Scan the ship closer.

Okay. You see that. I was on the ship. You see that man standing in front, waving his arms around like a wacky, inflatable arm, man. Yeah. He'll put your leader in the way of any incoming missiles. He'll move it around like a catcher does in baseball and frame it up so it looks like a strike.

And you can VAR it all you want. But what we got here is a man with stretchy arms. I don't know how. I don't know why. But all I know is he could move it with his arms. Look at him. Hey. We're up here.

You're down there. Dale, wave your arms all around a little bit. I'm making a point. Oh my god, Dale. Yeah, I don't know when this happened. Fuck. So I'm going to say, if they hadn't gotten a natural 20, I would give you advantage on this role. But because they did get a natural 20, I'm not going to give you advantage.

You're just going to get another straight intimidation or persuasion rule because you're very clearly telling the truth. Tim dimidation. Unless you're not. No, I'm telling the truth. I expect them. Intimidation already has 10 minutes. Yeah, but we're threatening them. Tim, don't transmit that.

Again, you have to tell me before. 15 plus 4. 19. Nice. All right. With a 19, they're going to roll in case they get another natural choice, which is very unlikely. Three. Dori goes, they're right.

We fire the little blow up the cube and then we'll never be able to revocate. And the other AI is like, we know that. You didn't have to tell us that. Again, you got here like a week ago. Calm down. Now they're putting up with Dori. Yeah, now they know what it's like for us, you know? So you guys managed to using the cube.

as a shield. As a catcher's mitt. As a catcher's mitt. As a human cube, you managed to fly away from the AI steroid successfully. And you no longer have a little runabout Starfighter ship. And your ship is a little bit damaged, obviously. You only have 27 hit points left. And there is a repair mechanic that we can focus on later.

But yeah, you guys get away. And we are out of initiative now. And good news, everybody. We have a 6 by 12. Let me see. There's 72 cubic feet of dick sucking carpet still. That's great. We didn't use it all.

So we don't have to share. Minus two of my feet. So like 72 square, yeah, cubic feet. We should probably, like, I don't know. I don't want to say too much, but this AI that we have right here, it's pretty powerful, obviously. And maybe it's not on our side yet. So maybe we should find a way to maybe put it somewhere so that it could be safe and we could be safe.

So as you're close to the cube now, you can see. that it is almost frighteningly smooth. Like your eyes almost slide off of it. So, the corners are so fucking sleek. It's so clean, no matter what touches it. No marks are left on it.

Except for a single blue button on the front. I've learned not to just touch buttons. Yeah, we should talk before we touch the buttons. Also, Mikhailave. Yeah, what's up? Miko Wai.

Damage assessment. Guys, that was ha, first of all. Thank you. That was fantastic. Damage-wise, I'm not going to be able to make popcorn for a little bit, unfortunately.

But I still can heat up burritos and everything like that. P. 7HP on the whole minus popcorn abilities. And then what I was going to ask is, is this like a closed system? I don't want to turn this thing on and then like, you know, with those viruses and those emails and things like that. Pepper Pete says actually it appears that the housing

it's within is specifically to prevent it from doing exactly that. Oh, great. Okay. So it already comes with its own little jail. I press the button. I press the button. Oh, I was asking. He's the captain. Oh, no.

I assume he wanted us to press the button to talk to it. What happens? Okay. So you press the button and it unfolds in a thousand little articulating cubes, kind of like 402 walls. You think this one can suck our dicks? And a single pyramid sits within the middle of this thing, surrounded by a fuckload of wires and glowing pads and stuff like that.

And it feels like this is the core of the thing. This is the important part of it. You see a blue light come from the top of it and sort of move across the entirety of the interior of the ship scanning you, and there is a speaker that telescopes up from the bottom, and it says, please confirm humanity. Oh. I love my grandson. Oh, yeah.

I mean, my grandson. And my team. No. Identify the school buses. Oh. Oh. There's a magic one? You have 60 seconds to find the school buses.

Go. Oh, it's like a cap shot. You have 57 seconds. Here, a picture of a school bus. Here. Nope. School bus. Nope. Find the school.

Oh, there's in the room. They're in the room. One, two, behind you right there. How many are there? Anthony, how many are there? I'm not going to tell you that. That's the point. I'm narrating the proceedings for the

Philisters at home. Where would they be if not for me? That's Anthony's job. Anthony's playing his Steve neck. They're running around looking for the buses. And they're really frantic. Time, Anthony. Nine.

eight, seven, six, five, four, three. It was camouflaged. Five, five. One, five. Five. There's five.

That's all we have. You have a quarter of a second left when you found a thing. Yeah. Wait, was there only five? Yes, they were only five. Let's go. I was wondering why those school buses were here.

I thought they were a Matt thing. I thought they were a B thing too, but I was like, I didn't do it. That hit a bunch of school buses in the room. I can't believe it. Last week. Last week. That's why we adjusted. to them.

Yeah, they've been here for a big because I tried to give me one to a world. I was like, you got a toddler still take this plastic school bus I see here. You found all five, and so the AI goes, Bing. The pyramid spins around in what can only be an expression of glee

and says, you are confirmed human. Would you like to start dominating the universe now or later? Thanks so much for listening. The upcoming crowd fund campaign for our brand new source book, Dungeons and Degas and on the BDSM Sourcebook, Datatastic Fantasy Adventures for the world's most popular

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Find our merch and more at Dungeons and Daddies.com. Get our sourcebook at bookmeadaddi.com. And our next episode, it's coming out July 28th. But we'll see you before that on July 21st for our source book kickoff live stream. I bet. I hope. Thank you. Migrovis dad.

Oh, my God. Miko Wavei Sr. Macro Wave. Macro Wobbe. You know what? No, no, no, no. No, don't let us ruin that. Macro Wafi, by the way, we're all

agree that. We will meet Macro Wai. We are going up. Macro Wai is showing up. It's just not the AI.