Dungeons and Daddies - S4 Ep. 14 - The Most Dangerous Midway Game

Episode Date: August 11, 2026

space murder legal or not legalThis episode contains Profanity, Violence, and Sexual Content.🚨🚨 For the final day of our sourcebook crowdfund campaign, we are having an all day livestream on Friday August 14th! 🚨🚨Join the Dads at 12pm PT on Friday, August 14th at bookmedaddy.com - the livestream will go on as long as the Backerkit pledge train continues. Support the show on Patreon!Get merch and more at our website!Follow us on Bluesky @dungeonsanddads!Check out the subreddit!DM is Anthony BurchDale Elliot is Matt Arnold Ralph Estarellas is Will CamposHerb “The Worm” Quiggly is Beth May Ashley Birch is Freddie Wong Theme song is “Conventional Wisdom” by Maxton WallerAnnissa Omran is our Content ProducerAshley Blood is our Community ManagerKortney Terry is our Community CoordinatorEster Ellis is our Lead EditorTravis Reaves and Omar Romolino provide Additional EditingCover art and episode art by Alex Moore (@notanotheralex)Get in contact: https://www.dungeonsanddaddies.com/contactThe story, all names, characters, and incidents portrayed in this production are fictitious. No identification with actual persons (living or deceased), places, buildings, and products is intended or should be inferred. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Friday, August 14th is the end of the Dungeons and Daddy's Sourcebook crowdfund campaign. Your last chance to back this source book, Datatastic fantasy adventures for the world. So we're ready to celebrate. We want to celebrate with you. What? With me, Matt? We're doing the live street. Yeah, you too.

What are we going to do on that live street? What are we going to do? We're going to have fun. We're staying up late. And then we've got doggy shot colors. And I'm going to shock the boys with doggy shot colors. And I'm not going to be nice about it. We're going to strap shock collars to our thighs, arms?

Who knows? Who knows what part? Maybe we'll take suggestions from the chat. We're going to be streaming all day live Friday the 14th to celebrate the end of our incredibly successful backer kick campaign. Couldn't have done it with all the fucking amazing sickos out there who are the book so far. You can buy it too. We're going to be playing fucking video games. We got live music probably.

Fucking, there's going to be like, hey, I don't know. You can watch four people get a fetish for electricity at the same time. Yeah, man. I'm going to teach Will how to juggle. I am. She is and I will. Friday, August 14th, we're doing a live stream. Bookmeaddy.com. Back our source book.

Come hang out with us. We're going to be streaming till the cows come home. Streaming till the cows come. Whoa, whoa, whoa. Take it milk. Dungeons and Daddies is a rowdy, horny, violent podcast for grownups. Content warnings can be found in the description. Logos from Mayor Aristotle.

We can reason till he's ought to wait for now. Don't you want to try some of these theme park rots. He can be a... Welcome to Dungeons and Daddies, Barada. Grandpaws and Galaxies. A grand space popper about four gilfs who take to the stars to rescue their grandkids and perhaps the entire known universe in the process.

Or not, maybe not. Who knows? D&D. But, you know, the Dark Matter expansion. My name is Freddie Wong. I play Ashley Birch, Ashley with an E, Birch, like the tree. born in 64 which makes them the youngest boomer

Ashley is a twin galaxies era Arcade Pro gamer turned Twitch streamer turned gadgeteer You really make Freddy talk a lot at the beginning We do! It's really I gotta rewrite that to make it roll off the tongue Doesn't roll out who wrote this drivel? It's wearying.

Ashley's fact for this week I checked with Anthony before I put this fact down Consent matters. Consent matters This show takes place in 2019, this version of it, and this would make Ashley a little bit ahead of the curve. As you may have seen, we have a source book. It's over at bookmeaday.com. Ashley, too, was on the path to making his own source book

because he, too, as an early Twitch streamer, wanted to get going on these TTRP shows. And he had scrawled down his pitch for his show on a napkin lost somewhere in his pile of things for Galaxy Gals, four Busty Baves, with scores to settle, soar through the stars to find vengeance in all the wrong places. Oh. Unfortunately, we do have to do Galaxy Gals.

Galaxy Gows. That's so good. And his gamer innovation. His gamer innovation was that. She cup. She's a little white. She's a little one. That's the worst thing you could have said.

All the sentences in the English language and you found the worst one. Wow. This is in Galaxy Gal. I didn't think this is... You are defining GalaxyGal. Hey, Matt, did you? I think this is how we'd go out.

I'm yes and what Freddy is presented. I want to say, Matt, you nailed it, buddy. You nailed it because a big part, a big part of the Galaxy Gals is in fact two parts. Well, character sheep for each boob. We, of course, innovated dad facts and brought dad facts in the TTIRB. Let's just say Ashley's version of that would have been a little bit NSFW. I think Femmish should really let these boys have it when they listen to this episode.

Yeah, he editors can cut out. No, we saw it. Leave it all in. We have to do the egg. I only want Beth to be mad at me. I want anybody else to be mad at me. The egg is only on Freddie and Matt's face. Do you leave every syllable of that shit in?

I never made the show. This was just a concept. Egg is also what happens when you spell out all their cup sizes. What? G.G. What? But you established one of them is this? Yeah, yeah, but that's the third.

That's the cousin Oliver, they add. Guys, in the show, they're fucking horny and sexy and want to bone me, okay? It's not like, no, it's not like I said that. I didn't say this. What we need to do is we need to do a Galaxy Gals one shot. Then the real competition is which one of the four of us can go the longest without apologizing. Freddie wins. Apologize for nothing.

All right. Cool. Let me give a little pause because all that will be cut. No. Hey, everybody. My name is Matthew Arnold and I play Dale Elliott. The world cruise loving ex. He bust.

He bucks some guilt. Nice. Life card living his best monk life. What's Dale's cup size? Father of four, grandfather of seven. and friend to all. Woodward of one is a very ominous way. It could change.

I'm still looking for the future ex-Miss Malcolm. Sorry, I'm just trying to get over all the guilt of everything I just said. The senses, I think I've done four of the five normal senses. I forget which is the fifth one. So then I'm jumping forward. I'm jumping forward to senses six and seven and eight. So vestibular, which if you all remember, because I've taught you all something about what the senses are. Vestibular is your kind of your sense of balance.

So his favorite vestibular feeling is that feeling of riding on grav. The edge of gravity's knife when he's hanging 10 on an A-frame while he's surfing because they're a big surfer, so he loves it. And the worst vestibular feeling is getting up too fast post-nut. Post-nut. Post-nut. Yeah. Post-nut. Is that a thing?

Is that a thing? Oh, standing up. Standing up. Yeah, not kidding up. Dang. This refractory period's too short. I got rock hard again. moments later.

What a problem for me. It's like a goddamn springboard of the local pool. The gal's the house don't wait. This is just like that Kurt Vonica novel. You gotta get up again. I get knocked down. Eggs knock on the door.

Well, well, sounds like you've got egg on your face. This is tuning the instruments. No way to see here. No way does they hear of this part. Notably does hear people tuning the instruments. At the beginning of it, they put up their PS3. Yeah.

At a live show, but on the album, they cut it out. Matt's over your tuning his instrument like, bitch. Slot. I got to get it all out. Okay. Hi, everyone. I'm Will Campos. I play Ralph Astaireas, a sci-fi scribe slash wife guy whose wife died slash radiation freak.

My Ralph fact, I'm also doing a census fact for Ralph. Wow. Ralph's favorite census was the first one where he got to put that he was married to his wonderful wife cookie. And his least favorite census is the one that he still fills every time there's a census where he still, you know, he thinks about, am I going to check that box finally and say that I'm not married. But he's a single. So far he's been lying on that census. And you know what? It's a $500 fine if you do that.

And he's like, oh, gladly pay it. Oh, pay it gladly. A heavy cost, I pay it gladly. He and Francis would get along because I think I made that. Same thing in three. Oh, did you? Well, Damn,

birds of a feather. Mine now. Hi, my name is Beth May, and I play Herb the worm Quigley. Fun facts about her. What is he? Is he? Oh, I'm a B cup.

I was wondering. I was wondering if he was not losing the plot, was my only question. Oh, yeah, sorry, sorry, sorry. A young at heart, barbarian storytelling, Grandpa, who is losing the plot? True, true. So last time on Grandpaws and Galaxies, I shared that Herb has a certain disdain for a beloved actor, Anthony Hopkins.

But to go to the opposite end of the spectrum, Herb's problematic fave is probably Kurt Cobain. What's problematic about him? Like, he had a lot of problems. Yeah. He threw that baby in that pool, dude. He looked like he was having a great time. It lured him in there with the promise of money. You can't do that to a baby.

You can't do that to a baby? That is a capitalist baby. He was going to turn into a Rockefeller. He did his all in favor. Didn't that babysue them later? Multiple times. Because the dick was out. This is what it sounds like when Matt is desperately trying to bat.

There's much space between him and egg as just as humanly possible. We got to trim these intros. I have one way to trip it. Everything I said. I'm Anthony Birch. I'm your granddad master. Today's epigramph is an audio epigram. It's just a clip of Matt's in.

Ooh, the Vega bus. Yeah, dude. How part and does this happen? Well, they go, we like to party for like 32 bars. Whatever, you know what I'm doing. Anthony, I can't fucking do this game so I hear the drop. Give me the drop, Anthony. Boom, but I'm.

The D&D is podcasting. Last we left you, you were working with Al the AI, who you want to integrate into a spatial drive so that you can get to your grandkids without time having passed them by by decades of magnitude. Midway through an Aristotlian argument with him in which he currently has a little bit of a lag behind you in terms of points for how convinced he may or may not be to help you. Dale decided you should just all go out for a drink. Go I'll have some fun.

And on your way to six moons, the widely beloved galactic theme park, Al admitted to you that now that he's turned off his ethos and logos circuits, he is actually pretty curious to do one very specific thing. which he mentioned was murdering a person. So we'll pick up with you as the ship, the Lux, lowers into the gargantuan parking lot of six moons. The parking lot is a planet around which six moons orbit. You can see just from all of the iconography around the parking lot, which, again, is the size of an entire planet. So you better remember where you park.

That each of the planets has a different type of entertainment it can allow you. Oh, wow. You see that there are little kiosk that have, like, maps that you can grab. But right now you're just landing while a very tired-looking lot attendant is sort of waving you down with the fucking glowy pylon sticks. Hi, yeah, where do we park? Where I'm waving you down to? We didn't pre-order parking, though. Do we need a pass?

Do we need some sort of pass? How do we get the moon hopper pass so that we can go to all six moons? Is that all on one ticket or do we need to get a separate ticket for each moon, sir? We just auto charge your license plate. Like whoever owns the car, they get charged for whichever moons you go to. Oh, nice. Yeah. Whoever owns this ship should pay for it.

All right. Well, is there a premium? We like all the perks and the VIP, the VIP experience where someone escorts us into all the moons. I need 55 tickets and 55 parking spots. The VIP experiences differ per moon, so you're just going to have to take it up with. You don't have a single VIP experience for all six moons and this is supposed to be six moons? No, we did that, but it turns out we actually make a lot more money if we nickel and dime you on each individual moon. Are there any fun, like, exclusive clubs we can get into?

Are there any club restaurants? that like you need to know about in order to get in. Uh, yes. I heard there's a strip club called Galaxy Gals. There is now. Correct. Wait, wait, wait, hold on. Hold on.

There's you said, six moons. I was browsing through your online brochure here. Well, what differs the moons? Why? Different moons. What are the, these moons? What jurisdiction are they under and what are those laws? Juris my diction.

Six moons is all an independent, fiefdom run by the president of the company, obviously, Mr. Agonist. And the six moons are rides, shopping, learning, food, games, and the galaxy's wonders. I've traveled a lot, go to, you know, some cities, like, you know, you can't smoke marijuana. There's like 20 spaceships honking behind us. You know, like, go above. I bring one of my grandkids, you know, and it's like, oh, the drinking age. And, you know, Italy is different than, you know, in America or whatever.

But here, you know, like, over. robbing, I'm assuming, murder is probably... Generally, as we like to avoid crime in our... But crimes define by the laws. So just what are all the laws? The way that each moon is split up, there's a light side and a dark side of each moon, obviously. The light side is more family friendly, the dark side is more anything goes. You're going to find different experiences in either side.

And the light side, you will find all the laws that would be active in any inner planet. No murder, no theft. No saying problematic stuff. Okay. Oh, I think I know which side of the law now. which side we want to go out. And yeah, the dark sides have a little bit more stuff. Do you want to, I can give you a map.

Here's a map. Oh, thank you very much. Now, just as I always like to get a, you know, a little bit of the local flavor, what's your favorite moon and what's your favorite thing to do on that moon? When I'm hungry, I like to go to chips and sips on the food moon. Wait, is there no food on the other moons? No, I mean there's like little snacks and stuff,

but it's a sit-down place. Does you mean there's an entire moon where you can't get sit-down food? So you really only have like five moons of rides. Well, no, there's rides primarily on. one moon. Again, it's rides, shopping, the library, food, games, and the Galaxy's Wonder. A moon-sized library, Mike, with no food. They're also pretty small moon. What a moon-sized library. That's probably the

most popular. Yeah, that's what I was going to say. I give you one guess is to which one has the smallest lines. Which one's like the popular one? We have an attraction. I think we call rides. Rides. What's the most popular ride? Because, you know, we got Space Mountain. Everyone loves Space Mountain. It's just called Mountain here. Boom.

Fuck off. You stole my joke, but yes. Did I get inspiration? You get inspiration that was going to be in there. Yay. Are you looking for a family-friendly kind of time? We're looking for all. Okay.

Well, in that case... I want the whole fucking July. Wait, well, let me talk to my fellow granddad's first thing. Like, I'm with you. I don't want the family-friendly time, right? But I was thinking that Al just said he'd like to try murder. Is Al in the huddle or no? No.

Okay. Are we sure that's what he said? Yes. I'm actually pretty sure that's what he just said. Guys, parks so we can murder someone. Just the sound of spaceship horns behind us growing as we sit here blocking the line. There's other gates. Go them.

No, they have them all closed off for some reason, even though there's all this empty fucking space. There's a bunch of space. There's a whole planet. Just orbit. We're learning. We're learning here. We're learning about the park. Well, yeah.

Or go ahead. Maybe because murder is so not family-friendly, we should go to the family-friendly side. first. I know it's not what we want to do. I know it's not even the cool thing to do. I'm personally wondering, because I know that in a middale, you have some very good questions about the sort of the laws or the land, so to speak, but it does seem to me that murder contravenes the greatest law of our almighty Lord God that, you know, there's something we probably should try to avoid doing. Yeah. And I worry also a little bit for the soul of our dear friend out here. That's a moral stain that can't really be washed off vis-a-vis, you know,

out-out, out-dame spot and all that. What if he wants the stain? All right here, sir? Yes, right here is fine. Okay, thank you, Stephen. As you get out of this ship, the attendant is also waving you towards, like, the tram that leads you to the orbit. Oh, it's our first ride. Wait, hold on, wait, wait, wait.

Nobody go anywhere. I do perception to figure out what cartoon character lot that we're parked in. That's going to be egg. It's going to be egg the galaxy gal is the lot that you were in. Well, I'm going to remember this lot. What? This is my mission. My vision!

It's... It's... How? Your vision was three women? How did they do this? Okay, so it looks like we're in spot 34F? As I'm being dragged away. Wait, wait!

They found it this exactly as I imagined. How is madness? What madness is this? They've read my mind. What are you referring to? Egg. Egg is a character, a concept of theory an idea that I had. A theory of three big-titted lady.

Egg, you see, E-cop in the middle. Double G's on both sides. That's a egg. That's a gag. You read from top-down gearman style. Those egg

You read it, he read it like one of those egg puzzles. It's like an ice-sab. Well, there's no way I'll forget where we're part. Interesting. Tell me about this egg. And as we fade out as we.

I have an idea Granddad Huddle I promise we're not plotting But we do need to talk You can fly as much as you need this time Al familiarize yourself With the map You sound kind of like Saul Guerrera

I've been huffing Space Space Kathleen for so long For so long you see I've lost my hair Come Cassian andor You know you've dropped off a Side character to do terrorism

With me I see you We're going to cut back to him and he's going to get crazy off space gasoline. Every shot of this character would be him descending into the space gasoline mind madness. And so in doing so he will understand that we need to rebel against the empire because the empire is stopping us from hopping all this delicious space gasoline. It's the most powerful smell in the galaxy. Stop! I should never tell Freddy that he's good at doing an impression.

I should have known this after six years. I can know in the guy. Let's bring in the party boy. Hey, Al. Yeah. Designate new moniker. You probably noticed what you said. And then we just went off and we haven't talked to you since.

Correct. I had a feeling you were sort of dealing with the ramifications of what I, I mean, I didn't get really much of a chance to elaborate. But yeah. Yeah. So what? Sure. When you're looking for this sort of, you know, it's your party. Why?

So the court. I couldn't have put it better myself. Well, there's two things you need to know. One, it's still my turn in the argument, so I can still get points from my resistance. Oh, we're still doing that. In the words of Q, the trial never ends. And number two, it seems like the main conflict in helping you versus not helping you and helping the luminous versus the IBS, all that stuff, comes down to, is it okay

to murder someone or something in order to save more lives? So you think people can't know if it's okay to murder or not unless they've murdered somebody? Essentially, I want to know the emotional angle of what does it feel like to kill a person that you know is evil. It is murder because it is not prompted. It's not in self-defense, anything like that. But somebody who is causing more harm that would be ended if you killed them before they could continue. So you want to murder somebody so that you have a better understanding of it to make a decision. Do you think it would be okay for everybody to murder somebody if their reasoning for murdering somebody was to learn whether or not it was good to murder somebody?

I turned off my ethos and logo. so I'm just coming from an emotional place right now. Okay, well, it's not cool to kill people, dude. I know it's not cool. I told you it's a weird thing to want. You don't have to say yes. I'm just saying it would go a long way and helping me understand what I want to do.

Al, who's the most evil person at Six Moons? I mean, probably the guy who owns it, I assume. That makes sense. And articulating finger comes out of the box. And it points at this big sort of mural of a guy in a suit. He's got three cigarettes in his ass. He's got it. It's between each of his fingers.

and he's like gesturing broadly at the six moons as if to say like look at the majesty and all the fun that you can have here. There's a tagline that says where your inner child never grows old. Let's pick where we're going to go first. I got you all these and you all have now the little hats that are like the Mickey Mouse ear hats, but they have six planets instead kind of floating around. Oh, that's like that. Everybody have a hat. Hey, Al, I know you want to murder somebody.

We're going to find someone for you to murder, buddy. But first, you know, I don't see a murder planet here yet. I'm not saying there isn't one. I just don't see it on the map. We got rides. We got shopping, we got library, we got food, we got games, and we got Galaxy Wonders. Yeah, we should go on the rides, man.

I'll just go on the rides. I've never been on a ride. No, no, no, I mean, I got shot in the space other than that now. Okay, well, let's do a ride. Wait a minute. Under the games, there's a shooting gallery slash shooting gallery, unethical criminals. Let's go all that.

That seems like it might be close. But maybe we should warm up to that. Okay. Rides. Rides. Rides. Rights, rights, rights, rights, right, right, right. Okay, I'm done for any...

Again, I have no frame of reference for riots, so do we want to go light side or dark side? Because on the light side, it looks like here... Let's start on the light side, and then we'll go dark, so you can feel the contrast. Do bumper cars. Everybody loves bumper cars. So you get on the tram, and as you're heading towards the Rive Moon,

it's a pre-recorded, like, thank you for coming to six moons. The vision of our president... There's a vision here. Antoine Agonis, that name was sent to us by Tad Jackson, and obviously it's not pronounced that way. He had a vision where everyone's inner child could stay a child forever.

And that's why he came up with six moons. You will enjoy rides, shopping, the library, food, games, or Galaxy's Wonders. Or if your inner child has already kind of grown out of things, there's also the dark side. And it cuts to an image, a video rather, of this agonist guy. And he goes, welcome to the park. Anything you can imagine is here so long as it fits within one of these six moons. Welcome to the ride moon. On the light side of the ride moon, you'll have the big drop, the bumper cars.

Splash Mountain and a janitor closet that there's nothing important in. On the other end of the moon, you'll have the bungee jump, the bumper guys, and mountain mountain mountain. Please get off now for the light side. All right, well, let's go to the light side. So you get off and you head towards bumper cars. Is that what you wanted to do? When we get into like one of those drop ships, like in fucking Starship. Go, go, go, go, go.

Fucking eggs just, just fucking gunshots are happening. Some are exploding right to the hell out of the game. What the fuck? Six of the people that we were in that train with them. You're still hearing that the president of the company go, that happens sometimes. That is fine. Don't worry about that.

That's fine. There's just intergalactic warfare occasionally happening. Yeah, yeah. You see a family get immolated next to you in the room. How can you feel about that? Al, I think that was you full. Hey. Ow, why do you do that?

Roll persuasion with disadvantage. Would my advantage counteract the disadvantage? Okay, I should roll. Can I use by a point? So I, your inspiration, yeah. You just roll normal. Got an 11.

Canonically the worst role in the D20 system. 11. Why is that the first rule? Because of 10, you can 50-50. You got a seven. You got seven? Okay. So nobody did a particularly good role.

So I'm going to say your failure to convince him that that was his fault is going to give him resistance to your ethos because you are losing position as a person of authority. I didn't know there'd be consequences to lying. So ethos is at 42 out of 50 right now. Couldn't use Beth. It turns out there aren't. Yeah, not in this world. He goes, that was an accident. I had nothing to do with that.

So bumper cars? Do we want to do bumper cars? That seems kind of need. Yeah, let's do bumper cars. It's a healthy way to get out of aggression. And yeah, nothing makes me angrier than when somebody cuts me off in traffic. Yeah. Much like you had the resistance and the convincing HP bars for him, you're also going to have boredom

and excitement. Unlocked new fucking evolutions of the core gameplay mechanic. It's also going to be like blackjack, where if you go too high on excitement, he's going to get overstimulated and he's kind of going to shut down. His adrenaline threshold is like middling. You can either do something risky on the dark side of the moon that, will be more effective at making him have fun. Or he could do something that seems safer in terms of his adrenaline threshold.

Every time you roll on the light side, you're also going to be rolling boredom in addition to all the fun. Okay. If you roll on the dark side, you never have to roll boredom, but you do run the risk of busting. If he's succeeded giving him a good time, I'll give you a D20 roll on your pathos and your ethos scores. Right now, you're at 35 pathos, 35 ethos, and 27 logos.

Remember, you have to get to 50 to lock that in and make him be like, okay, that's a good reason for me to help you. I see. His resistances are at Pathos 30, Ethos 42, and Logos 1. So he's pretty close to resisting you completely on Ethos, not at all on Logos, and about halfway on Pathos. So we're going to have him a roll on the excitement table for bumper cars. You guys wait in line. It is a very normal.

It's actually pretty boring. You're just waiting in line for a long time. It becomes clear to you as you stay in the kitty area that despite all the claims that this is about keeping your inner child alive, that most of the infrastructure has not been built here. Oh, yeah. There's only three rides on a whole moon. Of course, we got long lines. But when you get under the ride, you do feel yourself kind of become a kid again. Like, it's like the first time you ever went on bumper cars. Like, you feel like all this power that is totally harmless.

Like you're driving for the first time. Like, it just makes you feel genuinely very, very young and exciting. It's amazing. So I'm going to have him roll for fun. So we got a six. He was like, oh, yeah, it was pretty fun. The bumping and the jostling and stuff like that. It was just a little dangerous, but it felt kind of safe.

Now I'm very bored of it, though. Like, after about two bumps, I kind of got it. But it was really fun for those two bumps. Thanks for that. You want to go to the dark side? We can do bumper guys. Yeah. Whatever you want to do your party boy.

Okay, let's go do bumper guys, I guess. So you go over to the dark side of the moon, you're walking past the gender closet. You can tell there's nothing important that way. I want to go, excuse me for one second. I'll catch up you guys. I'll see it there. Give me a perception rule or an investigation. How well he just loved us?

I go my own way. 17. 17. Because of your radiation freakiness. You can tell other alternative types of energy when they're being used. There is a perception filter over this janitor's closet that makes your instinct, oh, there's definitely nothing this way. Like it is very specifically trying to make you think of this as an uninteresting part of the part.

Interesting. Because it's not interesting. I approach with caution. So you see that there is a key card lock on this door. Otherwise, it's a pretty nondescript door and it just says janitor on it. I knock on the door. You hear a voice come out of the key card lock saying, Identification, please.

It's Jeff. Roll deception with disadvantage. What a bluff. 15. With the disadvantage? You got a 15? I got plus six to deception, holy shit.

Oh shit, Jeff. Hey, what's up? Hey, can I come in? Yeah, all right. The door opens. Damn, dude. As the door opens, I cast invisibility. Okay, great.

Where's Jeff? Who's Jeff, man? Is there anyone at the door? There's no one at the door no. I slip inside. There's a long hallway going, deeper and deeper into the core of the planet. Okay. Whoa. One might call it a stairwell.

First, as the door closes, I put a little fucking thing at the bottom, so it stays open. Sure. What's the thing? I put one of my shoes. Great. We actually, no, I put my wallet. Okay, cool. I need my shoes. There's broken glass down there. But then they'll know that you're not Jeff. Someone not Jeff went through here. Well, he said to catch up with him later, so I guess we'll keep going.

Can I still see them from the door? If you like, yeah. I cast message, which is a handtrip. Okay. You point towards a creature within range and whisper a message. What, Ralph? The target and only the target hears the message and can reply in a whisper

that only you can hear. So I point at Dale, you know, hey, Dale, I think we should check this out. I think there's something spooky going on here. Okay. Who are you talking to? Ralph is asking, I'm so lost. I thought we were parting and he left. You guys keep

happy. Look, you guys keep letting him have a good time. I'm going to go scope this out because it seems Why? Because I was there. Why are we even having a good time? Because there's intrigue. There's intrigue here. You guys go have a good time.

Don't worry about it. Just know that this is where I went and the door is open at the janitor's cost and I put my wallet there. So if you don't hear from me in two hours, come look for me. Okay, bye. Herb. Yeah, what's up? Ashley. Yeah.

I'm having a rough time. What's your fun meter at? Zero. I've never been able to not party before. This is just a lot. Oh, yeah. I feel like I'm the reason we're not having a good party. Sorry, Al.

So. Don't say that. Hey, Dale, don't say that about yourself. I'm still here invisible by the door. I just want to let you know. You're doing a great job. We didn't even get out of the parking lot before one of the people at the party left the party. I'm just going, hey, Dale, part of being a party is letting people party their own way.

If you were a party, Ralph, you'd be here instead of in a janitor's closet. The party was so bad you went into a janitor's closet. I think it's important that they're hiding something here. My daughter's dying and my granddaughter's. gone and look at this. I'm just buzz killed. And then the guy we're going to party, he wants to murder somebody.

What's up, Herb? Who cares about Al? We're going to have fun with you today. Okay. We're going to party with you today, man. We're going to go to the bumper guys. You don't need to be talking to invisible guys anymore. Yeah, I've done that before.

I've gone down that route. But not today, right? Not today. We're going to have party. Hey, Dale, this is Ralph. You know, they can't hear me. Oh, my God. It's like he's still in my head.

I understand what Herb is saying, but it is also very important that we get Al to have a good time. I mean, you're 100% responsible for that. So I just want you to remember that. Okay. You know, Dale, when we finally find, you know, like a way to make lithium out here in space, if you want some, too, there's no shame in that, man. There's no, there's no shame at all in asking for help with your head like that.

Okay. I know you're talking to invisible people. Maybe it seems like. No, I literally talking to me. Oh, that's fun. I think that's, I think that's, yeah. And I want you to know, I believe you, man. I believe you hear that.

Thank you. Hey, Dale. Oh, God. What? It just, you know. Ralph, can I talk back to you? Yeah, you can whisper back in a voice only I can hear. Okay.

I want you to know that you're doing a good job. Okay. I'm going to go. Okay. I'll be back in a few hours and if I'm not back, come find me. Okay. My life is in your hands. Okay.

Okay. So Ralph's left. Well, we know that. Yeah, he's somewhere in a Jarrett's closet. He said it's all because of me. And he's 100% my response to. He said he was all because of his own. He said his life's in my hands for some reason.

No, do it. He just left to a Jared closet. That's crazy. That's just your mind playing tricks on you, man. We're going to party. We're going to get our minds off of this. Al? Yeah, it seems like you're crashing out.

I am. I am. And I'm sorry, this party's not gone great. We only did one thing so far, and I thought it was pretty exciting. But it's the one thing you didn't want to do. You told us what you want to do, and I don't know how to do that for you for a party. Yeah. I mean, we just have to find somebody that, you know, is officially evil that I would feel okay, murdering them.

No more being a sad sack. Let's go straight to that shooting gallery on the dark side. Okay, let's do it. That shooting gallery says unethical. Okay. All right, let's do it. Let's have a good time. You can't half-ass a party.

Let's party. Ralph will figure out where we are. We're going to a different moon, I guess. Yeah, you leave Ralph on the rides moon as you go to the games moon. You crest over the dark side of the moon and a little constellation of lights welcomes you onto the dark side of the moon that is permanently facing away from the center parking lot where most of the illumination seems to be coming from. You descend into an attractively low-class den of sin.

This is going to be fun It's like in an oddly kind of racially coded It's a wonderful life future Where it's like there are jazz halls in the town now And that's how you know it went to shit But it looks kind of cool and fun Like Tortuga vibes Yeah yeah it's like Tortuga

Nice You know there's ZeroG paintball arena On the light side On this side of the moon There's just people shooting each other in Zero G with guns And you see the shooting gallery parentheses unethical And as you begin to descend from your drop pod

From the tram that goes around you can see that it is basically not unlike that scene in Apocalyptic where a bunch of people are just running away from people with rifles and they are trying to get to the other end of a very long field. And if they reach the other end of the field, you see that there is a holographic kind of like blue energy shield. And once they get past that, you see one of them just barely make it past in time and a bullet ricochets off the shield behind him and he's gone.

He's free. And he rips off what looks to be like a barcode on his lapel, tosses it down and then just joins the pop. of the dark side of it. And he seems to be free and clear. I guess this is a place where you can just murder people. So I'll go have fun on that ride. Okay.

Yeah, I don't want to go on this ride, though. Dale, this is your party, man. I don't want to kill somebody, though. Well, maybe we could do the running. Did I hear Von here? No. Okay. How does this ride work?

It's very simple. So you know how a lot of, like, theme parks or malls or whatever, when you made a crime, they put you in like theme park jail until the proper police arrive. Since there is no, you know, intergalactic police force, we came up with a system in which you just go here into the gallery. And if you can make it out, then your debt to the park has been paid. And then shooting, it's like a stun gun or something or? In a permanent sense, yes. Do you want to shoot this guy shoplifted?

This guy tried to proposition one of the mascots. And this guy, he got rowdy in the Galaxy Gals strip club. We caught this guy in the janitor closet. It's just Ralph Ralph instantly got caught We don't even fucking say what it All right, that's funny

Ralph And this guy got caught The Jenner's closet Ah, help me Dale, I told you My life was in your hands Yeah, I want to volunteer, I want to shoot this guy Okay Okay

You do have to give it a shot though You don't have to try If it looks like I'm trying I'm going to be really cross I'm going to try real hard Okay Can I message Dale With my whispery spell

Dale, it's okay. Don't worry. Just get him to take the shot and then I'll die and it'll be great. But I won't die. Don't worry about it. It'll be fine. Oh, God. Party planning huddle. Okay. So Ralph, you saw he got caught.

I plan was to volunteer and it sounds like if you get to the end, you're safe. So I was just going to miss on purpose. Yeah. But now he's saying he wants Al to take a shot at him and he'll pretend to be dead. But I'm still pretty sure that he's just going to die. Yeah, because I think if a robot shot you, the robot. would probably have pretty good aim. Yeah, I don't think the robot's gonna pretend.

I think the robot's gonna pop, pop, pop. But, you know what? Al was saying that he wanted to shoot a really bad guy, and I don't think that Ralph's a bad guy. Yeah. Also, wasting time in the line is a crime. Okay, I got the shots. I'm going.

Yeah, just aim for that. I'm straight for his head. Oh, God. Yeah, yeah. I'm not like, I'll shoot you. Okay. So I waited in a line all this time. Okay, that's fine. Wait, you're behind me.

Yeah. Is there only one person at a time or is there a row of people? I can go up, yeah. Maybe the guy that got frisky at the Galaxy Girls. I think that's the worst thing. I think Ralph really wants Al to shoot at him. So maybe we just let him do what he wants to do and the punishment's on him. Well, I'll shoot the guy that got frisky at the Galaxy.

He goes, I don't think that's right. I don't think that's right to do that. Yeah, me too. We'll both aim for that guy. That guy sucks. Okay. All right. All right.

Do you want us to let Al shoot you. Go for it. That's what you said you wanted. I don't want to take away what you want to do. And right now there's three of you and Al and a stranger. Oh, howdy, stranger? Dead eye peat or whatever. Yeah, he's a guy in a leather jacket with one eye and his other eye is like a telescoping like

And the top, they have like the daily top scores. Yeah, he has them all. He's just different poses of him pointing finger guns at the camera. This guy's been maxing a fucking theme park right now. I think he's the worst one here. Listen me, Al. So you explain, you know, like your curiosity and it seemed very natural. I'm curious about that myself.

But I think in order to want to murder somebody, I think there's a part of you that actually wants to do that. I guess so. That's possible. Is there a part of you that ever wants to murder someone? I can't think it. Never? Not once in your life. Did you think I wish that guy was dead?

Oh, I thought that all the time. Oh, but never wanted to murder somebody. Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's basically the same thing. I thought that before. I thought that before, yes. Okay. What is your point? I don't know. You say you're so, neutral and you want to avoid suffering and harm in the universe. But for me, when I wanted to kill somebody, it was for vengeance, right? So what makes you bloodthirsty like that? I've never

been bloodthirsty before, which is why I sort of interested in this, but I guess injustice would probably be something got me pretty bloodthirsty if somebody was sufficiently awful. Like, I don't really want to shoot any of these people. I maybe want to shoot that guy. He's pointing at the guy who's like the top scorer on all the different leaderboards. That guy sucks. Yeah, I I just need to find somebody that's bad that can be bloodlust. Or, you know, I'd kill a random person and we'll just see how the chips fall in that in terms of my emotional reaction to it. Oh.

Okay. Let's carry on. Then, yeah, let's just do this then. I'm going to pick one of these people randomly to shoot. Okay. If that's what you're saying, it's worthwhile, I will pick a random person. I don't know if this is a good fucking idea, guys. I don't know.

I just, I thought maybe by having him question why he wanted to do it, he wouldn't want to do it anymore. Hard cut to 15 minutes later. You're all now running. Oh, God. Without? Without. Five strangers are all lined up with rifles.

What happened? I said let him shoot me. What about it? Did I try? We tried. You guys took too long. You were a whole not the line. It's complicated.

There's also Pete. Good news. I thought with me out of the equation, you guys would be able to make these sort of hard moral choices without me. Hey, don't say that about yourself, Ralph. We need you. No, he's criticizing us. Dead IP. Is he with us?

Yeah. No, he is not with you. He was the one who complained to the carny operator that you should be in there because he holding up the fucking line. But that means he's back at the back of the line again. No, he gets to keep his spot. What? You get to stay in line. You get to get to the front of the roller coaster. If they're sitting around for 20 minutes talking about the morality of playing the game that they stood in line for, yeah. There are five people lined up with guns. There's dead I Pete. Pretty good aim, Sally.

Terrible aim, Terrence. Even better than dead I Pete. Evan. Vasily sightsev. The Russian sniper from. Let's start the run. Let's get through this. Zelda. I might be coming home. So doing this run, you see that there's a bunch of obstacles and stuff on the course, including like what appear to be like sticks and nets and stuff, presumably for you to use against other people to slow them down and make them easier to shoot. I've got a question, Anthony. With the theme of the theme park being where everybody can feel like a kid again,

do we in our bodies feel any more youthful at all? Yeah, you do. You feel really, really, really, really, really, really, fucking scared. You feel like the first time your life was ever in danger when you were younger. Rather or not, you actually were in danger, but your first taste of fear. And it is making you maybe not as good at decision making as you would otherwise be. You're going to be a little bit less contemplative and a little bit more instinctive. The Carney rings a bell and the gate in front of you drops. And now there is basically just a whole lot of space between you and the

shield at the end of this lane where you can escape. Before we run out, what do we clock while we were in line and watching. Like, how do the guns work? How often are they firing? Do they have limited ammo? Like, what do we see before we got into here? So you see that they are basically bolt action, pretty slow firing. They hold like five shells at a time.

You know, if you're fast, you could probably get in like 10 shots before somebody gets to the end. Wow. If you're slow, you won't even get through five. And they're pretty lethal. They're high caliber, but they're slow. The gate drops. You guys get one turn to do something before the guns activate for the.

the shooters. What are you going to do? I'd like to neuralink with T1M and ask him to hack. Oh, yeah, where's T1M? T1M is waiting in line. Oh, God. He's waiting next to him.

So we got a man on the outside. Yeah, you do have a man on the outside. He's like, I don't really want to do this. I want to make a communication with T1M. I like, damn, read my lips, which he can do. Uh-huh. And I mouth disrupt the shooters. So he's going to try to remotely interface with the lock

that activates or deactivates the guns. And so he's bought you an additional turn. You have two turns now to do something before those guns turn back on. And how far away is this thing? This thing is three sprints away for a normal person. I don't know about your monk shit. 180 feet? Yeah.

I can enter rage not in combat, right? Yeah. I will enter rage. I'll use my like bonus action to grab one of the nets. So you have one of the nets now, throwable net? Yeah. And there's obstacles, he said. Yeah, there's obstacles.

There's a little bit of them look liftable. Are they all of pretty solid structures? Some look liftable. Nice. They'll slow you down, but they will provide some cover. Is he still a little thing? He's a little thing. You see that he has grown a bunch of articulated little spidery legs at the bottom of his chassis,

and he's going to basically be sprinting as fast as he can. Talking to Al, I go, Al, this is the first step before we can let you kill someone. You need to feel mortal terror so you understand what it's like on the other side. Okay, that makes sense. I'm giving you the whole holistic experience. Meanwhile, I'd like to use modification to what I said, because I'm looking at my character sheet. remember Anthony that as a gadgeteer I have a mechanized autonomous construct

which we've designated as TYM. Essentially I can command it and T1M takes his turn right after mine. Okay. Here's what the standing order I want to send over to Tim. Okay. Which is detect if anyone is aiming at one

of us and about to shoot and then he is to make like a distracting noise, like a little fart sound or something. Up to him. Random rolls, but he's tried to distract anyone aiming at us so that when they fire, they're thrown off their game, like talking

when someone's putting. I can do that. There's a good chance that multiple of you are going to be aimed at at once and I can only distract prioritize me. Okay, great. Good to know. See you boys on the other side. So first action, everybody's just going to sprint. I'm just going to run for now because we have two turns of running before you're going to get shot. Okay, so I'm just going to start by running.

Okay. Everybody else is going to do the same? I'm going to use my first run to throw the net up back at the guns. Okay. So that's going to be 60-foot throw. That'll be pretty difficult. I'm enraged and I'm strong. Oh, ooh, ooh, ooh, I see you grab the net and I say, toss it this way. I have a spell called catapult. Oh, nice. Choosing an object weighing one to five pounds within range that isn't being worn or carry. The object flies in a straight line up to 90 feet in a direction you choose before falling to the ground. Nice. So what we could do is you

could throw it as far as you can and then I could point at it and catapult at the rest of the way. For sure. Let's do that. Doesn't sound like something you need to roll. for us. I think it just happens. The question is, who are you aiming at? I'm hoping that it will catch on one of the barrels of the gun or maybe even two or three and like make it harder to get their aim right. Great. Yeah, because there's a little weights on the end of the net. So that makes sense that that would do that. You throw the net up as far as you can, which is not that far, but the magic catapult spell launches your net forward and it sails directly towards Dead Eye Pete and latches onto the end of his rifle and the weights pull it downward. And he's like, what the fuck?

and he's struggling to untangle it from the end of the rifle. So for right now, I mean, the guns aren't even active yet, but he's going to also have to get rid of that net from the end of his gun before he can shoot at you. Okay. Matt. I'm going to sprint because I sprint fast on everybody. So I'll go 80 feet.

Okay. And then I will grab either end of like two structures. Two structures. Two monkey deluffy styles, stretchy structures. Uh-huh. Yeah. Because I'm ahead of everybody. Oh, you're like grabbing two like sandbags or something?

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That's what I do on my turn. And then the second turn, as everybody's catching up to me, I'm going to pull back and do gum gum slingshot or whatever. Whatever.

And we have everybody like pile in front of me. Oh. So I'm going to stretch back as far as I can. So I'm running forward and I'm grabbing both sides. And then on my second turn, as everybody approaches me, I'm going to be stretching backwards to make a slingshot. Okay, great. Is everybody going to go along with this plan?

Yes, sure. Sounds great. Okay, cool. They goes like, everybody, catch up to me and you'll learn something new about my body. Some of you know, some of you don't. Okay. Within two turns, all of you are basically locked and loaded into this Dale's slingshot. As I was just back, yeah.

Okay, cool. So on the third turn, they're all going to now fire except for Dead I Pete, who's still fuzzing with the rifle. So there's going to be four people shooting at you. When you stretch us back, who's the next best shooter? Better than Dead I peed or what if wasn't one of them like? Yeah, even better than Dead I Pete, Evan. I point my finger at Even Better Than Dead I Pete Evan and I cast message. Okay. What do you message him? Even better than Dead I beat.

Evan, look in your heart. You don't want to do this? Roll persuasion. 14. And I say, this isn't the way to prove you're even better than Dead IP. He can't even shoot right now. By your very moniker, you wish to prove that you're better than Dead IP. But this isn't a real challenge.

He's off his game. If you win now, there'll be an asterisk forever next to your name. So you rolled a 14? Yeah. All right. He rolled a 12, and I'm going to say that that is a failure for him with the argument that he should wait until Dead I Pete is able to fire as well. Two of the five shooters are down.

Okay. Shortcut to the top kid. So anybody else have anything clever they want to do before the firing starts? There's three people left to shoot at you. I have done my clever thing. Oh, yes. Tim is going to monitoring the trajectories of the barrels. And I was just clarified because it was one turn for me to run there and stretch.

Yeah. One turn to go back. Oh, okay. Yeah, because you had to run back and stretch. Okay. Now, now, now, now, Anthony. Yes. I feel like that's fine.

It was one turn to stretch backwards. I don't think it's a turn to like, oh. No, not at all. That's my point. It's the end of the second turn I am letting go. Okay. Because I will hold my turn for stretching back. Everybody goes and gets up to me.

I stretch back. Yes, I use my whole turn to stretch back and then I let go of my fingers. So you don't let go of the sides of the slingshot. You're right. I lift my legs up. I let go of. Oh, because you're like dug into the ground. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Okay, cool. That makes sense to me. Feels like you would do that first. I feel like we're flying as everybody starts shooting. You're flying as this stuff starts happening. Yes. And presumably the stuff you're doing to like prevent people from doing these things is just before you get slingshoted toward the end of it.

T1M. sees the not very good shooter and goes up to them and basically just shoulder checks them on accident. Oh, excuse me, sorry. I'm just trying to get through to the, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry. And successfully manages to throw off their aim completely. So that's three shooters who are fucked right now. And two shooters remain, one who's like middling and one who's terrible, I think.

So I'm going to have them fire with disadvantage at you guys who are zooming through the air all four of you? Does it want to? I mean, I don't know. We're kind of making up a new monkey deluffy mechanic. I was thinking you would roll for land. Okay, or like athletics or something or whatever. Yeah, yeah. I'm going to have them shoot at you as you go through the sky.

Nice. Herb, you feel a bullet goes right past your fucking ear as you sail through the sky. Into your forehead. And as your ear, that same bullet goes right past Al. Uh-oh. And he goes, oh, that was a close one. And then the next bullet hits Al directly in the fucking skull. And sends him careening off course and it doesn't kill his forward momentum because that's not how

momentum works, but he is now falling to the side, and somebody's going to have to sort of use a stretchy arm on the flight to pick him up? D-2, or do something to pick him up to get him over the finish line, essentially? What happens to the rest of us? So the rest of us, give me an acrobatics roll. Sixty. I got a 14. 11.

Seven. Okay, so everybody except for Ashley lands pretty much safely, and you can take your next turn as normal. Ashley, you eat shit on the landing and you're knocked prone, so you're going to have to use basically half your move from to get up. Not again! So at the end of, yeah, Yeah, it's kind of your thing. You're not going to be able to get to the exit by the end of next turn.

You'll have to basically do it on a turn after. Yeah, you'll have to get up and run. How far are we from Al's down body? So you can get to Al or you can get to the exit. You can't do both. I'm going to cast Misty Step is my bonus action. Bamp over to Al. That sounds like you actually have the ability to do it all then.

If you're using your bonus action to get to Al, that means you still have a sprint left to get over the finish line. So you've managed to just do that. And now do I do that before I get shot at again? I'm going to give them one pot shot at you as you go, but no matter what you're making that movement. The worst that can happen is you get wounded on the way. Okay.

So you're going to Misty step over to Al, pick him up, and he's like, ow. Ow, it's okay. Ow, I turned on my pain receptors, but now I'm thinking maybe I shouldn't have done that, but I understand. That'd be a fun t-shirt. Like, I turned on my pain receptors for this. The rest of you are you going to do anything special? You're just going to run for the end. I'm going to help up Ashley.

He's prone, right? Oh, great. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her, my only friend. I'm here helping to. You're a weird, stretchy abominations that I get out. By this point, Dead I Pete has managed to get rid of the net, and even better than Dead I Pete now sees that Dead I Pete is ready to fire, so he's going to fire.

You know what I'm going to do, since you're helping him up, I'm going to run towards the exit, but I'm going to wave my arms and everything. Wacking inflatable arm guy. As crazy as possible, like, you know, trying to make them shoot at me and maybe, you know. Well, I've got a question. distract them from trying to shoot at Herb and Ralph and Ashley. By Ashley, are there any of those things on the ground? Yeah, there's like plates of metal on the ground.

There's those fucking things on Normandy that they're just like big metal spikes to stop ships from being able to dock there. Giant ninja caltrops that the Nazis laid out. Yes, exactly that. It talks about the giant Nazi ninjas they had. You see, the Nazis understood the power of ninjitsu. I'm going to pick up one of these metal. Caltroped. No.

One of the plates? Yeah, plates, yeah. Oh, you're going to use it basically to try to shield you and Ashley? That's great. five shots are going to come at you because everybody got disabled for a second there. T1M's going to try again to disable the next guy. Ow! Yeah.

Now is your chance. Murder one of those guys shooting at us. This is the exact situation that you called for. All of your friends, these nice people who tried to help you are about to die, and these guys are about to kill us. This is the perfect time to murder someone. This would be self-defense. You'd still get fixed in life, man.

That's what the court to decide. That's what the court to decide. It's still murder. It can be both. It can be murder and self-defense. Yeah. Anybody want to roll persuasion with disadvantage. I got a natural one.

Ooh. So he's going to roll a Logos resistance, and now he is at a 21 out of 50 logos. He rolled a natural 20 on his logos. He's basically halfway to say, nah, dog. He's going to go, no, this doesn't, this wouldn't count. Also, I don't know if I could actually do anything from this distance. You don't have like a laser in there? I mean, I do, but.

You do? Yeah. Well, that's good to know. How far is the laser work? Prove it by killing that guy. Now you'd be doing it just to prove it. Yeah, I'll do it. But you haven't convinced me any.

more by making this argument. So he's going to fire a laser at the firing line, and he is going to successfully manage to hit even better than Pepper. There's a lot of people in Pete in this world, even better than Dead Eye Pete in the shoulder. And it's going to fuck up his aim and do some damage and actually blast a pretty, like a quarter-sized hole straight through his arm. Oh my God. So you can see the other side of it. It looks pretty bad, but also cauterized. So it doesn't look like his guy's going to die. So now only four people are going to be shooting at you. And I'm going to have them fire now. And they are going to be potentially distracting. by Dale.

Wavy, arm, inflatable balloon, man. Oh, wow. Three of them all aim at Dale and miss entirely. Oh, yay. One of them is going to aim at Dale

and crit. And our boy, T1M, didn't help there? Your boy, T1M, bumped to the other person going back the other way. They're like, hey, this is the wrong way. Felt got a asshole. Oh, I'm so sorry.

He went back and bumped another guy. Nice. So that should be three shots instead of four. So two miss. One crits on Dale. He does 16. damage to you. That hurts. So yeah, a bullet goes through your wacky, inflatable, extendable arm.

Blood shoots out. Even though it's all, you know, fun and jerky and jelly and bubble gummy, you still do have blood. So a lot of blood shoots out of your arm. But you all managed to make it across the other side and all of you are alive, although there's a sparking bullet hole inside of Al. And Al says, okay, so that hurt. And I'm really angry at the guy who did that. Could we go kill him? Because that would be murder. That's straight up, like, I'm just angry that it happened. He doesn't have any justification for shooting me again, and he won't, because against the rules, could we track that guy down and murder him, please?

Who shot you, though? Go back through your tapes and replay it and figure out. Dead IP. Fucking dead. I knew this guy was a problem. T. UNM. Yeah.

New objective. One, plan to tracker on dead-eyed Pete. He's right there. He just points in to tell him. He goes, I see him. Yes, but he may be moving, and we need to follow his movie. No, he plays there all day. He's only just lying it.

This is the one thing he's going to do. He's a pinball way. He's already lying here for the next run of people. Al, if you murder this guy, then what? Then I'll know how I reacted to him. That'll basically help me decide whether I help you or not. If I kill this guy and I feel like, oh, this is a good thing because I stopped him from killing other people in this situation because I can tell because we're here, innocent people

can get shot in this gauntlet all the time. You know what it feels like. Right. It sucks to be shot up for being innocent. But if we kill this guy Huge, huge moves. This whole thing that brings him joy is shooting innocent people.

I'll be saving those people. So if I kill him and I feel great about it, then I think I'm... Al, it's even worse than that. What? Because his whole thing isn't just shooting innocent people. His whole thing is min-maxing the fucking scoreboard

for a ride meant for the general public. Even worse. Yeah, no, this guy sucks. Like, if I kill him and I feel bad, then I'll know you guys are right. And I mean, we say, we let me like a party. This is what you wanted to do. Yeah.

Let's just bring him, yeah, I'll bring you over there. I don't know. I don't know about this. Before that, let me tell you the astonishing, shocking, mind-blowing thing I saw on my mystery trip to the janitor's closet. Oh, yes. You saw a chair that was hooked up to the light side of this planet, and inside of it was a kid hooked into it.

Oh, is this an omelos? This is absolutely an omelah situation. That's an omelaw situation, dude. Your childhood will never die because you're getting the childhood joy of this kid who is, It's being siphoned out of him and given to the guests to do things on the light side of the moon. And he's like, but what happens on the dark side? On dark side, it's just horrible things happening. Oh, it's just, they'll need the kid.

They don't need the kid. So in light of what we just learned, Ralph, Al, wouldn't you rather like to kill the guy who did that to the kid? I would kill that guy too. Yeah, that guy sounds awful. That guy's a murder for you? Uh, yeah. We'd have to kill whoever's in charge of that, which to me would suggest Antoine Agonis, the guy who owns Sixth Moon's.

we could stop him from basically using children for almost loss reasons. Well, it seems like we have options. We can kill Dead IP and get out of here or there's the moral. I was horrified when I saw it. Not so much I brought it up immediately upon getting back. I mean, I was a little bit.

I had a chew on it. Yeah. Would I propose to you three and Al if this is okay with you? This is what I think. I think I walk Al over there, let him kill Dead IP because that's what we said his party would be and that's the party.

I'm the party master. And so that we do that. And then we go and we save the kid. and maybe redeem a tiny bit of the last remaining elements of our soul by saving this child. Dale, I'm so sorry you're not having a good time on your party time. It's not my party. It's not my party. I know. I know it's not your party, but you're the party guy. It's okay. Sometimes the parties go places that you don't expect it to and, you know, you just go with the flow.

What do we want to do? We get dead IP to come with us to save the children and then we kill him. Oh, quietly in our van. Okay. Hey, did I? Hey, did I pee? Hey, did I pee, you want party? Your objective, Tim. Be friends, dead I Pete. Hey, did I Pete, you want party?

Dead I Pete. This is actually bulletproof. Dead Eye Pete's at his party. And he points up at the scoreboard and all the pictures of him like actually pointing up the scoreboard. It's like the bit of hot buzz. I've never seen somebody shoot people as well as you.

We wanted to celebrate because we got through it. You want to come party with it. We got some drinks. No, no, no. I am exactly where I need to be. Ow. You can hack a scoreboard easily, right? Oh, yeah.

Yeah, make the top score Ashley Birch. Yeah, I'll do that. Hey, did I, Pete? Can you come for me? Yeah, you get to distract me before me, huh? Blah-la-la-la-la-la-la-la-la. You have a way to wave your arms. Check this shit out.

Check this shit out with 10-foot arms. Roll performance. Roll performance. Wait, wait, I want to help him because I have, as part of my background, by popular demand, people recognize my talent. I got a free place to perform and lodge in most settlements. Audiences respond to my work, and my work right now is hyping up my good friend Dale. Okay.

I'm like, hey, everyone! So what was that due for me? Take a look at this. You're going to get to roll with advantage. Oh, okay. Roll your performance with advantage. Oose, oose. First one was a eight.

I didn't do that. I even do some beep. There we go. First one was an eight. This is a 19. Okay, so everybody turns to look at you and they go, oh, yeah, that's the guy that five minutes ago. Oh, yeah.

Hey, so I was showing you, wait, and then the scoreboard changed? Al successfully hacked the score. So now it says that Ashley Birch was actually the top score of that last round. Anyway, let me just get to the front of the line. Jedi is like, whoa, whoa, whoa. And he looks up and he sees your face there instead. He goes, what the hell. Yeah, he's the best.

But we're going to take a break. If you want party, we're the real winner you come to our spaceship. We all got walk off cool. Yeah, we all walk off cool. So we're like, come if you want, but we don't care if you do. Yeah, we don't actually care. Well, if you guys are going to leave, then I guess I can stay because I'm the second highest person on the list. Nobody's invited to our party.

You either hang on the back of the line with these scrubs or you can just go, but we don't care if you do. We got chips. Maybe you don't want to know how he beat you. Yeah, I guess I, how did he beat me? because he was running and not shooting it anybody. What new tech is this guy? Come on. You can find out in our safe spaceship of ours.

All right, fine. And he puts the gun down, like really shitty, like Paul Rudd and went on American Summer. And then he, like, fucking, his leather jacket, like, collar. And he follows you guys. He goes, all right, you got dead I pizza attention. All right.

Now what? Now what? What are you going to bring him back to our spaceship? We're going to kill the spaceship. I thought that's what you guys wanted to do. All right. Back to the spaceship. All the way back to the parking line.

So he sits next to you in the tram. Says, yeah, so we have a whole secret simulator on this spaceship that we're going to use. So you're back in the ship. He goes, all right, show me the simulation. I want to kick his ass at it. This is the simulation. We blow out all. Yeah, the dick-sucking carpet holds him down by all his limbs and spreads him out like fucking Christ on the cross.

And the fucking sun glints like the sun glinted on the skin of the thieves. And the Lord and Savior Atop the Hill top in Jerusalem He's held loft Like a fucking Evangelian fucking scene In the Christ pose It's fucking crazy Christian evangelist Saul Guerrera is a good energy

Did I Pete do you have any like family Oh I don't know? Oh wow Of course I got family Why do you think I'm always up there? I'm trying to get away From my emotionally abusive wife So I stay here at the theme park She's a bitch Light him up.

It's my fault. Hey, Al, guess I just got back. I did terrible. They threw me the back of the line. I just joined late. I'm not good at all. No.

That's the last thing he hears before Al unfurls his laser again. And point blank range puts a burn hole in your carpet by the laser going straight through dead eye Pete's fucking skull, downwards through his body and into the dick sucking carpet. Oh. So there's now a quarter-sized hole. Jesus, weird way to shoot that guy. We're not getting the deposit back, man. So he's dead.

he has just been murdered. So now I'm going to have some popcorn. Now I'm going to have Al roll to see how he felt about that. How do the robots on the ship feel about us bringing a guy here, stringing him up, and shooting him in the head? Well, he's strong enough.

All of those are fine. I think the fridge turns itself off and goes, I think it'll be cooler if I don't see this. I don't need to be around for this part, guys. Well, we need you to hide the body, man. Oh, no. So I'm going to roll for Al to see how he felt about it.

I think it's a fair 50-50 shot. If he feels okay about this, if he feels horrible about this. All right. Okay. How do you feel, Al? All right. So I'm going to roll a D4. If it's a one or a two, he feels great.

If it's a three or four, he feels terrible. And he will agree to join alongside you and work in the night crawler engine. He was, I didn't like that. Tell us more. Is he about to be like, oh, I loved it? No, no, that made me feel pretty bad. Like, even if I can say that, like, logically, it was the right thing to do to save people, I don't feel like I could do that again.

I don't feel like that was, that was worth doing. Yeah, for somebody so smart, you're pretty stupid, buddy. What? We told you. We told you from the beginning. You're the smartest person alive. Look what he did. You made all of us come and kill this person.

In other words, welcome to the party, pal, pal, pal, you said, you said, you can even talk to us. You wouldn't even help us. I'm not doing our kids. All we want to do is save our grandkids. And we did all this. Look what we did. I'm gun. I go in a hot tub.

I don't want to hear from you. I want to hear from anybody. Though, same way you feel about having done that. We all feel about having done that. And it's pretty gnarly. But this is the sort of thing that is required of being in the universe and making hard choices that put the, when the, when, when it just sucks. Before the corpse of Dead Eye Pete has cooled on the. dick-sucking carpet of your Lux. Al unfolds his little pokey finger again and inserts it into a

seemingly random hole on the console dashboard. And his eyes go white. Green ones and zeros are going down his eyes. Would you get a feeling is just for your benefit, not for only real purpose? And he goes, okay, yeah, so I just read the black box that you guys gave me. Looking at the way that this ship is built out, Lux is this top of line. You know, you guys are this rich. But yeah, given what's here and given the information that I got from the black box, I think I can probably build the gravity drive pretty quickly. Really? Like, how long?

Like, probably within a day. Wow. Wow. That's super fast. That's great. So, because you felt bad about the murder, you're going to help us. Yes, correct. We've unlocked faster light travel.

It's such an upgrade. My God, the hole, the heavens themselves open up before us. We'd go back home. Everyone roll perception. Oh. Oh, my God. Fucking, whenever something cool happens, and then they call for a roll, you know. A freaking hating.

I guess it's never happened. This place is a prison. I guess nobody's ever done a thing with a real perception. It's like, oh, you notice that there's some gold nearby and everything's good. You notice the beautiful sun glinting off ice crystals in the window. I got 21. Holy shit. All right, well, then it doesn't matter what I rolled.

Yeah, so Herb sees it for anybody else. The corpse of Dead Eye Pete begins to stir. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. And then it begins. Oh, no. To bubble. Get that stew away from him.

Begins to bubble. Get that gumbo away from him. And melt in front of you. into a flesh-colored puddle. Oh, no. Hey, at least we don't have to hide the body. Well, I think some... The flesh puddle resolves itself and begins to grow and grow and grow

and appears in the same image of the sculptor that you've seen before. Fuck! This is a sculptor the whole time? Get out of here, man. The thing with the mask and the robe that likes Hardy Boys books and wants you dead. First of all, congratulations. I don't know how you guys managed to do it quicker than literally an entire army of people working on it, but you guys managed to get the nightcrawler drive working.

So that's great. Yeah, I guess you didn't. But I mean, it doesn't matter. That's good. What matters right now is you have exactly what I need to get into the spark. And I have what you need, which is presumably for your grandchildren to not die by my hands. So if you can just give me, or any, sure, if you can just give me the gravity drive, all of your grandkids, I know where they are. I have people, yep, I've grabbed them now. What?

Or we've grabbed them now. Actually, do you want to hear from him? Oh, yeah. So he just opens. Yeah, yeah, I do. Wait, don't focus. No, this is a trick. Wait, no, I want to hear from it.

I mean, the sculptor, despite the fact that it's wearing a mask, you see the mask itself also, like, lengthen, almost like he's unhinging his jaw behind the mask, but the mask is, like, catching up. And through the sort of echoy confines of the mask, you hear, honestly, it's not a voice you recognize because it's been so long, but you hear a feminine voice saying, Grandpa, Grandpa Ralph! Grandpa Ralph! Asia! Ah, shit! Fuck! Oh, my God!

He continues to keep his jaw unhinged, and you hear a male voice saying, Grandpa, I didn't do it. I didn't do, don't call my grandpa. Don't call her. No, it's fine. I didn't mean to. It's not my fault. Oliver?

And then you just hear a bunch of gunfire and a female voice now, fuck you, fuck you! And then he goes, that was Lila. Yeah, okay, you got it. That was Lila. Ralph lunges at the masked man. Give us our kid. What have you done with her grandkids?

They're in your mouth. Get them out of your mouth, you son of a bitch! The sculptor. boops you on the nose and says nothing yet as long as you get off of this ship right now give it to me and just so you know I mean business and it reaches over and puts its hand into Tim

and you see the flesh of its skin begin to like melt into it almost like it's like taking over Tim and then it just crunches him from the inside no Tim falls down basically nothing more than a scrap of metal completely non-santean completely dead and it goes so yeah so if you want that to not happen get off the ship. You got five

four? I get off the ship. I'm going to get off the ship. Three. Ashley, I got pulled me from the 10 dude. You got to pull him. Okay, so you managed to pull everybody off the ship and he goes, hey, it was a pleasure working with you all. And congratulations.

Everyone you love is going to come back to life. Everything's great. And I'll see you real soon, I guess. And with that, you hear him shouting something to Al, who you presumably left inside the ship. We thought so that's inside the ship? You want to leave Al so you can use the ship. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

So, of course, yeah. After a bit of what sounds like argument from the interior of the ship, you watch as the luxe disappears. One second it's there. One second it's not. And you know now that the sculptor and therefore the luminous have everything they need to get into the spark and rewrite the universe. And also, if you try to stop them, they'll kill your grandkids.

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We'll see you then. I was reading like a threat about Omelawks and this guy was talking about it. He got in trouble in his literary class because he was like, you know that city would be twice as better if they put two kids in there. That rules.