Fitzdog Radio - Mary Lynn Rajskub - Episode 1096

Episode Date: May 8, 2025

From “24”, “Always Sunny in Philadelphia” and the new Netflix hit “Nort of North” my guest Mary Lynn Rajskub is as delightful as always.Follow Mary Lynn Rajskub on Instagram @marylynnrajskubWatch my special "You Know Me" on YouTube! http://bit.ly/FitzYouKnowMeAdvertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brandsPrivacy & Opt-Out: https://redcircle.com/privacy

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We help. you save. Loyalty programs subject to terms and conditions. Details at Lowe's.com slash terms. Subject to change. Hey now, welcome to Fitts Dog Radio. It's Tuesday. I just interviewed Marylin Rice Cobb. Marylin Rice Cake from my podcast at the studio. We had a great time. That'll be on in just a moment. But I'm enjoying my Sweat Ceto today. I show it off in the pod. I don't know how much we showed on the podcast because we walked away from the microphones. But given to me by a fine Canadian company, no ad, they're not paying me.

I just want to say go to sweatsedo.com, pick one up. It's about a buck 50. It's the best money you'll ever spend. If you buy one, take a picture, send it to me. I'll put it on the air Also Want to remind you guys Sunday papers is every Sunday tell your friends and family about both podcasts spread the word and

What else I got I just been on the road a lot and here's what I'm getting a lot. I'm on stage and I talk about being from California and I think I've talked about this on the podcast before but it merits saying again, people boo. People have a hatred for California. California represents something to a lot of the country which you need to fucking get over. Let me just say that right out there. California is your friend. California helps you. Oh there's crime, there's homeless people. Grow up. Every decent city has some crime. Keeps you on your toes. Don't be a pussy Pussy, what do you want to what do you want to sit in a gated community in the suburb of some town? That's a suburb of some city

Where you? Where there's open carry because you're so you got to protect your life You got to walk around with a gun in your gated community to protect your what life nothing happens protect your life take it take your life now that's a that's a bit strong i'm just saying like i feel alive i live in venus beach a little bit of crime i look over my shoulder i notice what's coming along. There's adversity, there's some struggle, there's art, real art spray painted on the sides of walls and splayed out on the boardwalk in front of hippies that may or may not be homeless. I think they may be homeless a couple nights a week, a couple couches, maybe a motel here and there, there there's a there's some art that's coming from somewhere

Not your not your beachfront Down in fucking Costa Verde With the art with a wave a wave Cresting with a unicorn coming out of it and a rainbow in the background. That's not art I want to see a Coke can that's been twisted into the shape of the devil and spray painted black with a doors emblem on the side of it. That's art. Show me that. Screaming in the distance, some sirens, some helicopters. You know, you go to bed, you hear some helicopters, you go, oh, what's going on? Maybe it's close. Maybe something's going on. This is where I want to raise my kids. Kids learn how to, they learn how to deal with it,

learn how to take a public bus and walk past somebody who's dangerous and not, not look at them, but not look away. That's the key. That's what I taught them. You don't look them in the eye, but you don't look scared. They can take that anywhere. At the drum circle on Sundays, a bunch of old hippies and hipsters and hip hoppers and tourists all in a circle. About a hundred people with drums playing in some sort of syncopation. It's a little off, but people are dancing, sometimes topless, as the sun sets on a Sunday night over the ocean. And then that night, Sunday night, there's a gang of people that go around on beach cruisers with day glow streamers and lights, and they ride in a pack, about a hundred of of them around Venice Beach through Santa Monica. There's always one guy with you know dreadlocks and he's

got a bike trailer with a boombox playing P-Funk and a pit bull sitting there. A pit bull named Zephyr who can hang. Who's a good pit bull but he can be a bad pit bull too. Don't fuck with them. Think of these waves that happen here in Venice Beach. They're phosphorous, they call them phosphorous waves. And it's like a blue. And when anything trips up the water, there's a splash or anything,

you get a black ocean at night that suddenly glows blue. And people surf at night. And youows blue and people surf at night. And you sit there and you take mushrooms and you watch a trail of blue blazing through the black. It's an unfucking believable. Old dudes on a longboard, 68 year old guys on a longboard, riding waves. You're not a bunch of woke this whole woke mob shit that's not us that's maybe in the universities it's

like that maybe in you know the mansions of Santa Monica but that's not Venice Venice Beach is fucking gritty and real I'm tired of it getting a bad time. California in general, you got a ton of Latinos, good Latinos. Not like your Latinos who are docile and afraid of getting deported. These are three generation Chicanos that run businesses. My son worked for them. They're companies.

Two different, one working at a soccer camp that these first-generation Mexicans started work for the fear good fucking men with good families and these are guys they're not taking the bus they got 57 Chevy's Impala's with fucking low riders and they throw parties that last for days yeah they look ridiculous yeah they're dressed like 12 year olds with shorts that are too long and socks that are too high but whatever what's wrong with a neck tattoo Oh but LA is overpopulated yeah Yeah, you know why? Because you keep sending your stupid fucking kids here. All your kids, they graduate college and they come out here to follow their dream. Good! Let them come out.

But that's not... and then they end up homeless. Because they can't act and they can't sing. But they followed... fucking Simon Cowell told them to follow their dream. So they got on a fucking Greyhound and they came into Hollywood. And guess what? You weren't that good because you didn't live a life first. You lived in a fucking pillowcase. You never had any adversity. How are you going to be an artist? Come out here. Do your fucking, you did Greece as a senior.

You got to play the John Travolta part. Who cares? And now you end up homeless and the rest of the country goes, Oh, these Californians are homeless. No, your people are homeless. Get them off our fucking streets. We don't end up homeless. streets. We don't end up homeless. You know, oh, yeah, we're a drain on the economy. No, guess what? Look on look on the internet. Okay, who gives more money to the federal government than California, there's a thing called a taker state and a thing called a giver state, depending on if you take more from the federal government in subsidies, then you give in taxes. And

guess what California gave $78 billion in surplus beyond what we took last year, the number one state for being a giver. So what the fuck are you talking about? Oh, well, our immigrants. Yeah, our immigrants fucking pay taxes. Or we got trans people reading books to kids. Oh yeah, that's what we're all about. That's our identity. There's nothing else going on here, right?

You like fast food? How about this? McDonald's, Jack in the Box, IHOP, Taco Bell, all from California. In-N-Out Burger, you don't believe me, Google it. Oh yeah, Google, also invented in California. You like wine? Oh good, 80% of it is made right here in California.

And if you drink too much of it, you can come here and go to rehab, because we have the best rehabs in the country one-stop shopping You like the X games like skateboarding that was invented about half a mile from my house You like bottled water yeah, we give it to you. We don't even have a lot of water. We give you all the bottled water We got how about the Navy SEALs? You like those bad asses? That's ours.

Mexican food, the best, the best Mexicans, period. All the good Mexicans come through California. Get diversity, we got the best, best weather in the country. Best looking people. Don't look at me, I'm not a representative of this, but in general, I think we have the best looking people in the car. I mean look I I'm a New Yorker I love New York better than California, but as somebody who's been here for 25 years, I'm tired of the fucking hate Look at we give you all your TV all your movies all your apps

TV, all your movies, all your apps. Uber, Lyft, everything. So ease up. That's all I'm saying. All right. Not in California. I got a buddy in Georgia, Frank Jackson, one of my best friends growing up. Fucking excellent human being.

He just launched a coffee company, coffee delivery service, and I want you guys to get behind him. Let's launch it. His company is just launching this week. The website is now up. It's called sleepyhollowcoffeeroasters.com. He's got, he gave me a bunch of samples.

This stuff is like the best coffee I've ever had. It's rich. You like the taste of fresh blueberries. That's the Katrina. There's a jolt of flavors with sweet nuttiness melting into rich dark chocolate. That's the Ichabod. Like Ichabod Crane from Sleepy Hollow. That's where we grew up.

It's roasted fresh. He's got a whole process. He's been researching and practicing for a couple years. Now it's launched. I want you guys to get online right now, sleepyhollowcoffeeroasters.com and try it out. If you do, you're gonna get 15% off your entire order with promo code FITZDOG and also orders over 50 bucks ship free. There's memberships or whatever you call it, you know, subscriptions. You can do that, but try it out first.

See what you think. Don't take my word for it. Do it yourself. out for us see what you think don't take my word for it do it yourself sleepyholla coffee roasters comm promo code fits dog 15% off okay get the old Dutch that's the other one I love the old Dutch like a mocha Java ah oh it's good some tour dates coming up I will be in Escondido this weekend at the Grand Comedy Club that's May 9th and 10th I'll be in Cincinnati in at the Commonwealth something May 16th and 17th tickets on the website Tampa side splitters June 5th through the 7th one night in Naples Florida off the hook June 8th then I'll be in Torrance Austin Texas Point Pleasant, New Jersey, La Jolla

Vegas Chicago, New Orleans Go to Fitz dog comm get some tickets. Check it out. There's also some new merch for the fifth anniversary of Sunday Papers That's also on the website my guest today. Let's get to her One of my dear friends. I love this interesting, complex, artistic person. She, you know her, she was on 24 for all those years. She was one of the main stars at 24. She's in Always Sunny in Philadelphia. She was on Mr. Show with Bob Odenkirk and David Cross. She was on Larry Sanders Show.

These all, she was a regular on all these shows. Brooklyn Nine-Nine, Veronica's Closet. She was in Dude, Where's My Car? Sweet Home Alabama, Punch Drunk Love. How about Little Miss Sunshine? She was on King of Queens. She was on Legally Bl she was on legally blonde too uh what else she's done it all she was on the tomorrow war with chris pratt uh

thranos anyway you'll hear all about it now. Had a great hang with her, always fun. Here is my guest, Mary Lynn Rice Cobb. Music Mary Lynn Rice Cake is my guest. Gregory Fitzsimmons. Yeah, your special is great. And I really was just cramming it because I knew I was going to be here or else I think I would have watched it in one sitting.

We were just talking about that. So funny, Greg. Well, when I hear here to tell. Because you could fill the room too. Well, look, I really appreciate you saying nice things about my special. I know how to start a podcast. And if you could say some nice things about my podcast, that would be great too.

You've been on it as much as anybody, I think. You've probably done this podcast eight, nine, 10 times? You know, with the way that my brain works, it's like the first time every time. Really? Yeah. Is that good or bad? It kind of is the best, because I feel like I know you,

I know I'm going to enjoy talking to you. Yes, I know, I've been looking forward to it. But you know what we need to do, because this is pre-performance, you and I have certain rituals that we do. We do. To get in the right place to get grounded. Let's do it. Now we're gonna stand up. We're gonna stand up. Cactus! Stretch it out! This one's the star. Oh my gosh, look, we're touching hands into the star. And now, tap it into the universe.

Oh, I was gonna do... Oh, you got another one? I was gonna do a couple. Okay. We could do a couple more. Yeah, cactus. I mean, this is honestly so good! This one is! The tap it into the universe? I mean this is honestly is so good.

I forgot to tap it into the universe. If people don't understand what this is, when something positive happens in your life, especially something that you put yourself out on, you took a risk, it worked, then you hug yourself and you tap it into the universe because this is what they call EMDR. But we didn't even do anything yet and we're already congratulating you. You got here. You got here from your town. I'm not gonna say what town you live in but it's not close. It's... what am I doing? You didn't know you were gonna be starring in a new show that's got 100% on Rotten Tomatoes and one in the second season.

Let's go! Catch and Star! And you could have lived closer to Hollywood and not way the fuck out wherever you are. You know life, life is provident. And I probably I'm sure I've told you at some point why I moved out there. It was smart. Yes. I made some smooth moves. Yes. I went from Encino way out to the West Valley during COVID. Yeah. Made some cash. You did make some cash. Well, here's the thing about you life life has worked out well for you. And

sometimes I go like, Mary Lynn is making it in eight different ways. She's got to she by the way, can I get some feedback on the suit? is making it in eight different ways. She's got to. By the way, can I get some feedback on the suit? You wanna touch it? I do. I like how it has one thin green stripe. You're rocking it. It's called a Sweat Ceto,

and it's made by this guy in Canada. Shower shoes? It's a, yeah, shower shoes. All right, that's enough. Wait, that's a custom- This is it. Made by someone in Canada? It's a Swe-shaven shoes. All right, that's enough. Wait, that's a custom. This is a. Made by someone in Canada? It's a sweatsedo.

Oh. I just realized we weren't on mic that whole time, but that's all right. Nobody, we don't, I mean, we care. Yeah. We care. Let's get on mic. So listen, you're on this show,

it's called North of North, and it is, name that because it is literally in the Antarctic. It is way, way up there. It's way up there. Yeah. And you are playing a kind of a Karen character in it. Yes. Which is so unlike you because you're the opposite of a Karen. Thank you for saying that. Do you ever have Karen moments? Are you being sarcastic? No, I don't see you exploding at people. I don't, I do it internally.

I explode internally. And I explode on stage, which is why it's so good for me. We're very different people, but we have some similar intersections of depression. That's why this works so well. To transition from internal to external. Performing has taught me to be aggressive. You were already aggressive.

I was always aggressive, but I think a lot of that was overcoming my size. I'm only five, seven and three quarters. And I grew up 115 pounds pounds and so I always was intimidated by other guys. You just fought your way out. I just made up for it by being super aggressive. I was the annoying little dog. Yeah. And I used to fight. I used to get into fist fights. I remember this. Yeah. About you. Well, with women, Asian women. Mostly.

Only. Exclusively. Try me. Yeah, I never got into fights. I always did the- You never got into a fight in your whole life? Not really. No, I got punched in the face once.

No. I fantasized about fighting people. That's the thing. I was always trying to do the right thing. I was trying to not show what I felt ever, trying to react, be good, and so stand up. What was the punch in the face? In high school, I was on the bus,

sitting by the window with two people next to me, and she sucker punched me and left. Why? Because I made fun of her. One of the rare times I let it out. It was in me, I just tried to hold it in. Sometimes it seeped out and then I got punched. I don't, I don't think it was very clever.

I think I was making fun of her eye makeup. I don't even remember what the... Here's what a... I was making fun of her because she was making fun of the teacher and he was old and he was feeble and I felt bad for him. And then she got her gang of misfits to come after me. Yeah, yeah. You better watch it. It was one of those. You better watch it after school. So all day you're just like, wait. You're waiting. So I got one of those.

It's almost worse than the punch in the face. It is, it is. Yeah. And I got to go right home after the punch in the face. Cause my, I had to sit on the bus for a couple of minutes cause her stop was just before mine. So yeah, I just sat there with the hot, embarrassed tears of humiliation.

It is humiliating because you didn't hit her back, but you really couldn't. You were tucked in on that third seat by the window. And then I was steaming about how cowardly that was of her to just punch me like that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember once I was walking through Times Square, I was like maybe 12 or 13 years old. We used to go down and walk around Times Square during the day and just get high and make fun of people. And I'm walking past this guy and he's kind of like a, you know, he's an indigent kind

of a guy and greasy and he's hacking coughing. And so I do a hack cough to make fun of him in front of my friends and he fucking hauls off and cracks me across the jaw. Oh my God. And again I was a little kid and this guy was nuts and so I didn't say anything and then what's worse is my friends just fucking laughed at me

for like five minutes. There's nothing worse than an unanswered punch. You gotta punch back, You gotta punch back. You gotta punch back. Yeah I never... but yes, yes. The TV show is fantastic. Alright let's transition back to TV show. Yeah I'm not... I don't have any more punching stories. I mean I could tell you about bleeding through my pants. I don't have to transition out of other humiliating moments. Yeah we don't... Was that your first period that happened?

Not the very first one. It was around the first time. You don't know how much the flow's gonna be. Yeah, standing up and it's like in the seat. Ooh. I think I had a sweater to tie around. In class? In class.

Oh. Yeah. Wow. Isn't that funny how remember those times, those, and right now it's just like, it's not that big of a deal. But it takes living all this life. But at that time when it's the first, you're just like, it's just humiliating to be alive.

And to have a period is humiliating. Oh my God. Men get off easy. Well, we get off easy at that age also. But we don't have to deal with childbirth, menstrual. My wife is going through the menopause thing now where her temperature, sleeping in bed with her, it's like being in a crock pot. It's just all of a sudden, I get hot.

Yeah. She's so hot. Yeah. Look at me making it about me. Yeah. Yeah. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha Jesus. And then. I'm trying to face out, because I don't brush the back of my hair. That's why I have like my shower shoes. And then I want, you know, I want to face forward.

Because I. You like the set, isn't it nice? It's really pretty. See the top right? Doesn't that look good? Yeah. You look fantastic. I do look really good.

Yeah. Come on. The clear glasses with the blonde hair. Just sit up. Sit up nice. Put makeup on. Did clear glasses with the blonde hair. Just sit up. Sit up nice. Put makeup on. Did you put makeup on? Put some earrings in.

Yeah. I have to. Paul, we're good. I asked my... We're good. He wants to help make it right. I know, but it's fine, it's fine. Dickin' around.

So, all right, so let's talk about the special a little bit. So I don't understand something. I can't stand cold. I know you grew up in Michigan, so you're you're pretty good with freezing. Oh, no. This is a whole other level. No, girl. I you know, I've been in L.A. for. Yeah.

And I live in the hottest. I don't. You know, you're this side is cooler. I live in West Valley where it's at least 10, 12 degrees hotter. Right. No, and there's nothing. Where I went to is three hours north, plane ride, three hours north of Ottawa, straight up.

Wow. And there's no comparison to the cold that it was when I landed. Yeah. I took a breath and I was like, am I going to be OK? Yeah. It was. Did the moisture in your nose freeze? You know what?

Did you get that? No. No. My friend went out with wet hair and it instantly froze. But I got used to it But I got used to it. I got used to it. You did? Well, I mean, I had issues because I'm very fair.

And I had perpetually chapped lips after a while that I would just. And you do have to. We had a long email of instructions of how to dress the layers. You have to put the wool. I would wear like three or four pairs of pants to go walk to get going know, you have to put the wool, I would wear like three or four pairs of pants to go walk to get going.

Like Kurt Cobain. For, you know, to walk the point three miles. And you would, they said you need like a neck cover thing and another scarf so that you have two layers of scarves because one of them is gonna freeze over and then you wanna have another one. And then for your- You know what's so weird is the only other place

you see women dressed like that is in the desert where it's like 110 degrees. What gives? Sharia law. Yeah, I practiced my own Sharia law. I said, just look at my eyes and wonder how hot this is. Wonder about the undergarments. Wonder about it.

And your fingers, if you wear mittens only, your fingers can freeze together. So you wanna do like a glove and a mittens. Really? Yeah. But then, you know, I was up there, there were certain days where you thought it was mild. Once I was used to it, where you think it's mild,

and then a wind will blow, and then you're like, oh, this is, we're done. But sometimes it'll be deceiving because you sort of acclimate, and then the sun is bright, and I'm walking out with my jacket unzipped. What month of the year is this? We started end of March and went to November.

So when I got there it was 20 below and some of the crew had just been there and I just missed a blizzard. Yeah. Next level. So wait, March to November? No, sorry. That's gonna be what,

cause we just got picked up for season two. It's up, it's probably will take place. Okay, I'm making stuff up. March, April, May, came back in June. And by June it was 30 degrees. And the sunlight changed. In March I guess you're not getting a lot of sunlight? March was regular sunlight.

And then by the end it was 24 hours. No it wasn't. Yeah, we would go for bonfires after work, because there's like the town, and then there's a vast nothingness. So you just drive a little bit, and you're just surrounded by,

and we would have the, you know, put pallets on fire, and they had a DJ out there, and then the sun would start to set. A DJ? Yeah. Where do they get the DJ? It's an Arctic DJ, bro. No way!

He's just, you know, making stuff out of ice. And you can break dance, you can spin on your back like all day on the ice. Conducting, making electricity. Shit. Using snow and ice. So you're raving, everything's melting around you. Raving.

Yes. But yeah, the sun would start to set around midnight, and then it would start to come back up around 1. So it just would never completely set and come back up. And I talked to some people from there, and they said your body never acclimates to that. And there was some anecdote. There's no real story to it, but it just stuck in my mind

about little kids that just throwing rocks at 2 AM, Right. And there was some anecdote. There's no real story to it, but it just stuck in my mind about little kids that just throwing rocks like at 2 a.m. because they're they're just running around in the middle of the night. So people are sleeping. There's just little kids throwing rocks. Right. Right. I could see that. Yeah. Well, I there was that other show about Alaska about the. Oh, no, that wasn't Alaska. But the one about the it it was an Indian reservation. Reservation dogs, did you see that?

Yeah, Kirk Fox was on it, I haven't watched it. So good. I heard it so good, I feel like a heel. But it was about that, it was about like I gotta go home and watch it. Delinquent kids in a reservation. But I'm so proud to be on our show. I play the white lady, I play Karen type.

And you know, my son had no problem believing that I could be a Karen type, I said. Do you think I could play, yes. I said you could act like you're thinking about it a little bit. So to him I am a Karen type. I think every mother is a Karen to this son. Yeah, I'm like dude, you know,

you got the coolest mom in town. Yeah, he does. He does. Does he ever know that? Are there moments where he sees you in a movie or a TV show and he goes, he's old enough to watch Mr. Show. I mean, he must. He is not interested.

Has he watched Mr. Show? No. He hasn't watched 24. Really? We-hmm. We've watched this show. How old is he now, 17? He's 16. 16. Yeah.

He doesn't really, he watches TikTok and YouTube. I would say. And some of his friends are into movies and they'll turn him on to certain shows or movies. I would be like, Motherfucker, sit down and watch 24 because then you're going to have season 2 you started, right? What was the thing?

He will respect you so much more. You know what happened one time you came home, he goes, Mom, were you in a movie called Punch Drunk Love? And I was like, yeah, I was. His friend who's into movies told him. And I said, yeah, it's a Paul Thomas Sanderson movie You might want to Google that yeah and see Adam Sandler, right? Yeah. Yeah, but like He's one of the best filmmakers ever and my son's just like has no idea. Did you date him?

Who PTA no? Oh, but thank you for thinking that well He dated all the cool chicks in Hollywood, you know? I like that you think of me like that. Well, you were, I mean, you still are. We hung out together. Back in the Largo days, you were in the inner circle of the cool kids, you know? Girls Guitar Club with Karen Kilgarafe,

which I would, honestly, if you guys had gotten your shit together and promoted that and stayed with it. The producer and you just came out. It makes me angry because I really would watch it and I would be like this is different than anything I've ever seen. It was. Your guys talent in singing, your chemistry was so unique and it. It was like both of our strengths hit when we were together and it crushed if people don't know there was this at Largo in LA which is this indie club

these guys during everybody else Bob Odenkirk could be going up and Jeanine Grafflo be going up and Margaret Cho and Paul F. Tompkins and Greg Barron it was like a very cool show and then you and Karen would get up with guitars. And you were sort of like, you were like, it was folk with a bad attitude. And you would sing rock and roll songs sometimes. And you would always start the show with, for those about to rock, we salute you. Yeah. It was a club for girls and we're learning how to play guitar. And you were the cool kids. It was like Sarah Silverman and you guys and

Laura Keitlinger. You were like, you know, and what happened? What happened? What happened? You know, things happen. Now you're the cool mom. Now I'm the cool mom. Isn't it weird? Who lives off the 118 off Topanga. Check me out. Driving past horses on my way home. Went to Costco yesterday. Costco's Simi Valley with my old-timer neighbor. He drove me past Spahn Ranch.

That was pretty fun. Oh, Manson's Ranch? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I mean, it's not there anymore, but he drove me to where it was. That's pretty sweet.

Yeah, it was pretty sweet. But yeah, and I get to go back to the Arctic? All right, I got some questions from my staff. Oh yeah, let's get serious, because we're gonna be serious. Was it tough growing up Korean? Was it tough growing up Korean? How was your experience on MADtv?

Oh fuck, this is Bobby Lee's script. I brought the wrong script. I auditioned to be on MADtv. Did you? Did you? No. You were the- I wasn, producer. No, I was just a road-erack. I remember being very impressed. Yeah, and you were on the road too. But I was always impressed with you. Like, oh, he's like a boss. Really? Yeah, because you were writing and producing.

And that was, you know, I was so out of my mind. I mean, I still am to a certain extent, but that I couldn't, I was like, how do you? Like people would be writing a sketch packet. Like I just didn't know how to deal with my mind. Or socially I had so much to iron out that I couldn't sit down and write. It's not happening. It is a weird thing. A much better, closer now. Well, you've written and produced stand-up specials

and a one-woman show, multiple one-woman shows. Yeah. You did, I wanna ask you about Edinburgh because that's coming up this summer. And it's something that- Are you gonna go? I don't think I can do it. Like, I don't think-

No. It sounds like an awful experience. You have to go for a month. It's terrible. And you have to promote your show every night and you're competing with a hundred other shows. It's terrible. Oh.

Okay, I'm here to tell you. Yeah. I wanna know why you're talking about it or why you're thinking about it. Also, they don't like, especially because I went in with some credits or some notoriety and they don't like, especially because I went in with some credits or some notoriety, and they're just like, why are you coming to Edinburgh? That's the implied energy is like, we'll see.

They like for you to do it five, six times before you prove that you are the real deal. They're really putting you on this critique level of, mm. So you're starting off already judged. Yeah. And marginalized. I may have had a better time, because I've heard of a lot of people doing the bar shows, the Pass

a Hat shows, where you can just do sets, would have been better than trying to do an official show and get an audience every night. And people just leave, you know, because they're going to another show because it's a festival. So how many people would you have in a crowd? I mean, sometimes it would be full. I did really well considering I was never less than half full, which is more than on the road for stand-up. So in that respect, it's kind of amazing that I was able to fill it every night like that at all.

But some shows would be bad, like just energetically, you know, and some shows people would leave midway through. Some shows were great, but it's... And it's a month. It's a month, it's really less. I mean, I do three nights in a club, I'm ready to get the fuck out of this. Yes, and now at this point in my life,

maybe if I would have went in my 20s, but even then, it's just hard. You have to be a certain kind of person. And looking back on my life, I definitely was that person if someone else was leading the cause. Like if I had a friend who was like, oh, we're going to this club and then this place

and then this show, but to seek it out, I just won't do it. I'll just hold up. Yeah, and so there's like bar shows and pass the hat shows and then you stay out until 4 a.m. and you just do all these shows and you hang out. It's like, I don't wanna do that now. Maybe again, when you're young and you've never maybe been out of the country

or had that type of experience, it is incredible that there's so much in one place. And there's not a lot of money in it, right? No, absolutely not. It's not like North of North where you're making serious money. Oh, I am. Has money come down over the years? Like, has money come down?

Like, are your quotes lower than they used to be? What kind of question is that? Well, I just hear like, I have a friend. Does money come down? I thought you were saying like residuals at first. Like, do you get less for your one episode of King of Queens? Yeah, that does come down after a while. They're not paying as much as they were in the 90s.

But I will make more on those network shows than other things, than like 24, for example. Oh, really? Yeah, we've talked about this before. Oh, yeah. No residuals. Yeah. They're selling that the world over. Yeah, oh've talked about this before. Oh, yeah. No residuals. Yeah.

They're selling that the world over. Yeah, oh my God, that would have been pretty sweet. No, I mean, I'm happy to be working. Like, the fact that this show is so special, it's one of those things that I didn't think would happen. And I'm just like, it's a dream. And it's amazing that this soon on they picked up season two. Yeah, it's just something that I'm proud to be a part of, you know?

And I was wishing for this. I was like, look, can I? Before the end of my career, it would be so nice to play something where I'm a real character in a world that I can have fun. That's like show, like a real show because for so many years, for at least a decade, and I'm doing really well, I'm very lucky, but it's so many guest roles and you show up and you're new to the, you're on for a couple episodes and then you're gone, so you gotta meet everybody and then you leave

and you're on the hustle for that. And I just thought, just want to have another Go at it and also You know like our career is tough because most people change careers. I Don't know now but in the past, you know three times you get a new job. We get a new one every week Yeah, we're in st. Louis and then we're auditioning for a fucking pilot. And then, you know, it's like you're constantly, you got an agent sending out your resume and your grind. Like, like talk about like for a guest episode, typically, how much auditioning is involved

on your part? Um, well, it depends. I mean, I do have every once in a blue moon, I will get an offer. But a lot of times it'll be like, oh, we are definitely not offering it because it's so competitive even for guest stars. So you can do, I don't know, it's different nowadays because it's like a tape

and then you don't know if they've watched your tape. And a lot of times you'll just hear nothing. You won't even hear thank you for sending your tape in. It's just hear nothing. You won't even hear, thank you for sending your tape in. It's just, okay. And then, you know, I've done Zoom meetings with directors that are auditions and talks. The one I got was for this Christmas movie. There's a story on stage where I talk about

dating a white supremacist. That's a whole other thing. But I had told him about a movie where Ludacris and then Lil Rel play Santa Claus. And Ludacris is like the Screech character. But, and that, cause he would get into these rants, this guy was dating, he's like, why would there be a black Santa?

And I had forgot that I, and I was like, where is this coming from? And I'm like, why wouldn't there be? I go, you're saying that because you're white. No, Santa's white. I'm like, Santa's not real. Like why, where, but he just, what would you do if I bought you a gun?

I'm like, well, I would prefer Tiffany's, but I guess if you feel like you have to buy me a gun. But when it started, I was like, oh, I just thought he was like a conspiracy. That's the problem. Of course Santa's black. I mean, he's got a posse. He only works one day a year. He's a pimp.

Yeah. You work for me. But what was my point in saying that? The audition with that, it was only, because I played the bumbling bad guy that's trying to bring Santa down. And you know, in life you're like, okay, it's a Christmas movie. It's not like I'm against it,

but there are certain things where you're like, they're gonna have a type in mind. Like there's nothing I can do to like win it over. So that in this case, it worked to my benefit because I got on the Zoom and I was just really sarcastic and like fucking around. And because of the director was cool and funny, we kind of like had a meeting of the minds

and I got it from that. I would not recommend going into an audition and just fucking around and being sarcastic. But in that case, it worked for me because it made him laugh. And then I said like the two lines and he was very focused and I appreciated that too because a lot of directors don't do that.

And so he's reading and he's looking and I'm just looking at him. He goes, is that it? And I laughed and I go, yeah, that's it. There's like two lines or something and then he starts laughing. And then we just started messing around. And I did try to make the lines,

I took a chance and like made them funnier or just like did my, what I would do with it. You know, like what riffs you would do. Again I don't recommend doing that necessarily. But with something like that I was like let me go for it and it paid off. Do you ever get friends asking you to meet with their child because they want to go into acting?

No never. Would you recommend that person go into acting or would you try to talk them out of it? Do you have like teens? No, your kids are older now. They're 24 and 21, and neither one wants to be an actor. But I do get asked by people, you know, like my nephew wants to go into stand up, or my neighbor's kid.

Like they're 14 or something? No, they're like 18 to 25. Oh, I have gotten asked that by like, oh, my friend's daughter is coming to town in Hollywood. Will you meet with them and talk to them about? Do you find it hard to tell them to pursue their dream? Yeah. It's such a hard position to be put in, you know?

I have nothing good to say about this life. You know what, though? The people that I've talked to, now you're refreshing my memory. I've probably talked to a half a dozen. I would say three, I just talk and they're not getting it, or they're just listening. The other three are already doing it

and have little fucking attitudes. And I'm like, oh, you're gonna be fine. And I would say those three, I could tell, are comics, because they already are like, yeah, like doing sets, or they, you know, when you're like really young and you don't know better and you just think you're the shit, and I was like, oh, they're gonna be fine,

because they're gonna do it regardless of what I say. They already they've written five minutes of material and they think they're like the greatest thing that's ever happened. And that's the only way you're gonna make it's not the only way but that is the most consistent way is just blind sort of egoism. Yeah. And just like just your mother loved you too much and told you everything you did was great. Yep, and then the first three are the ones that are too nice or they think, oh, and I'm, there was one guy who was so nice and so talented and I was just hammering him

and I'm like, dude, you gotta, what do you wanna be in? You need to call, you need to, you know, who was, there are sometimes kids think, well, okay, I'll just finish college in communication. It's almost like, well, I don't wanna talk you out of being in college. That's always a good thing. But on the other hand, if this is what you wanna do,

that's, you're not, you're not gonna get anywhere by trying to do everything right. You've gotta like put yourself, you've gotta be your own voice. You gotta like coach the people, you know sadly it's the people who are quiet, who can be really talented, that need to learn from the ones with the big ego.

Like you gotta talk yourself up a little bit. Yes. Well, you know what I like is, there's a woman that reminds me of a young Marilyn Rice cake, and she is a friend of mine's daughter, a guy that I wrote with her on a couple different shows. And he's like, you know, really nice guy, but you know, kind of mellow. And so

his daughter, he's like, Yeah, my daughter got on SNL. I'm like, what? Got on SNL? She's on SNL right now. That's incredible. Yeah, and she's a wick line. I can't remember her first name. Oh yeah, I saw a couple of her TikToks or whatever. Wicked up, yeah, yeah, she's big on TikTok.

I think it because I saw her and I was like, what is this person 19 years old? But she reminds me a little bit. She plays it really dead man and very clever, but understated and quirky and like, you're realizing not everybody's gonna get this, but the right people will get it a lot. Yeah.

You know? So, but then I had a friend, Tom Wright, who's an actor, and he asked me to meet with his son who wanted to be a writer. And so I met him at a coffee shop and he showed me a script and it was mediocre. It wasn't bad, but you know, it was like a first step. You could tell like some kids like they think they vomit something out and they should be showing it to people like, you should rewrite the shit out of that before you show it to

somebody. Have all your friends give you feedback. And so I ran it, it was okay. And then I kind of said, you know, this is a hard business so I ran, I was like, it was OK. And then I kind of said, you know, this is a hard business. I go, I got to be honest with you. It's like so hard to get hired somewhere. And, you know, and then so then I saw my friend Tom a week later and he's like, what the fuck did you tell my son?

He doesn't want to do it anymore. You're supposed to encourage him. Victory, victory. Where did you going back a couple seconds, I'm interviewing you now. Where did you learn how to rewrite and rewrite? Well, I was an English major in college. I wanted to be a novelist.

That's where it started. Which is funny, because yesterday I wrote four pages of free flow, Kerouac style thing about Venice Beach. And a part of me woke up that hadn't been alive in a while. And then I went back today this morning and I wrote more and I'm really into it now. And I forgot the joy of writing. And the thing is, it really is about letting it come out

and knowing you're gonna rewrite later. And that if you're trying to rewrite as you write, you'll never get it out. And so I've come to think about rewriting as just as creative as the original writing, because it's really fun to then read it and go, wow, look at you, you were on a roll here and this is fucking dead, cut that out. Right. And you feel like you're taking, like, you know,

ore and turning it into a mineral, you know, you're chopping and you're buffing and, and, and that to me is great. I'm not good at the final polish. That's where I need somebody else to come in. But I'm really good at the first and second rounds of rewriting. And I really enjoy, a lot of the writing jobs I've gotten over the years have been punch up jobs. Like Crashing, I was there for three years and I would just be on set 18 hour days for like four months. And I loved it. I never got tired of doing it.

I loved being, standing behind the director and just throwing out lines and after work, going back, getting the script for the next day, punching it up, I loved that. And that's why I think I could be a good teacher, but there's no money in teaching. Like literally you can't live off teaching money. Well, yeah, if you go to a public school.

No, I'm talking about being in a college, teaching screenwriting in college. Well, you don't need the money. I don't, I have so much money. You have so, look at your check suit. I know, I got it for free. You got that pen mark. I have so much fucking money.

It's literally like, some of the banks that my money's in will call me and they'll be like, we can't handle this. It's not, the FDIC will not allow us to keep this much at one branch. So I'll have to go there and they give me gold bricks and I'll have to bring it to another state. The bricks. The bricks. Yeah. And I'll have to bring it to another state. The bricks. The bricks of gold. And then. You go visit your gold bricks. Oh yeah yeah yeah. I like to go and

I'll bring a different car each time. That's the other thing is my lot. Whatever happened to Trump and Musk when they went to go look at. The gold yeah they're gonna look at Fort Knox yeah we're gonna go because they have so much extra time on their hands they don't have anything else to do they just are gonna go on a field... They're gonna hold hands. There was a bunch of other oligarchs. What is this world? They said that out loud and then they didn't. And what were they gonna do? Were they gonna weigh the bricks? They go, we don't think it's all there, so we're gonna go check. Oh, all right, Clue Cell. Why don't you go investigate the gold bricks?

Oh my god. It's so disturbing. Why don't you go investigate the gold bricks? Oh my god. It's so disturbing. Do you have any expensive jewelry? No, I wish. My wedding ring, this probably was a harbinger. Harbinger and an arbinger. Is that the right word? I don't know if it's harbinger or arbinger. Arbingerer I've never even heard that word. That's why I went with harbinger. Okay, mr. English professor What what about that's Arbinger? So mad about that now, what about the people like Norm Macdonald that that say what but they put the H first what? He used to do that. I think it's a Canadian thing. Oh what? Where? Who? No, who already does it?

I'm trying to add an extra. Who? Who? Who? So what's the ring worth? The wedding ring? I lost it in the ocean in Poipu in Kauai. Are you serious?

But here's what's funny. Why you were still married? Yes. I was so upset. But he never, he didn't know that you're, he didn't know that you're supposed to get an engagement ring and a wedding band. Yeah.

So he just got the wedding band, I lost that. I never had an engagement ring. Oh. I know. Maybe someday. Maybe in the afterlife. Oh come on. Let's get you married again. What happened to the Elvis impersonator? I wish. He was so troubled. Yes, but the sex was fantastic, I bet. It was so hot. You know, the sex was so good that I couldn't enjoy it. Yeah. He was too good at it. I was like, take it easy with the attention on. I'm used to being ignored. That's how I get off. Right, right.

I find ways around to please myself. You basically... I can't, when you're focused on me, that's very jarring. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But yeah, no, he was really. Really engaged. Knew a lot of different things. He did. Yeah, he's very strong.

He's in Vegas. Physically. He's an ex-personator. Oh, that's right, he was a big guy, wasn't he? No, he was just strong and agile, like stamina. Yeah. Strong. Right. And I don't even mean like just the sex, just lots of different physicality. And the and yeah, switching it up, switching it up, keeping it going.

Right. Who does that nowadays? At this age, you don't want you don't want to be looked at during sex. You don't want positions where there's visual contact. I do. You do. I do. Not that much, though. I want it like, OK.

I just went to this healer who did sound, but she was very matter of fact about it. And I was like, no, you got gotta bring me like, I'm speaking, you gotta bring me the woo woo. That's what I want, I want sex to have like a romance and an emotion to it. I want you to look at me when you're having feelings. And then you look away, because you're in your own thing.

And then you, I want like a saga. Yeah, like in and out. Trilogy. Yeah, I want a trilogy in the. Yeah, I want a trilogy. Yeah. In the lovemaking, I want a trilogy. Yeah. Is that so wrong?

No, and then you can play characters. I mean, a lot of people get into characters. Yeah, you can do a lot of things. Wow, but the intimacy, I like that. Even the one night stand, because this was a one night stand originally, right? This was a one night stand, but he was very good. It was more intimate than most relationships I've had in my adult life. Wow, but he was very good. It was more intimate than most relationships

I've had in my adult life. Wow. And he was hammered. Oh, he was? Yeah, I was like, no offense, but you've had like 13 drinks and you seem fine. And he goes, oh, I'm a highly functioning alcoholic. I was like, cool, because this is the most intimacy I've had.

Were you worried he couldn't perform because of the amount of cocktails? No, no. Not with that energy. It would, he could perform. Yeah. It was, never seen anything like it, honestly. How many nights was it?

One night. That's it? That's it. The first night we tried to meet up, but he came to see me and my show was sold out. Nice. Yeah, it was pretty great. Yeah, that's a big dick move, yeah.

I didn't even know, that's me. I'm like topping from the bottom, I don't even know. That's a new thing I'm exploring in my standup, because I talk about the beginning of it, which I've already said, I already said it on The Tonight Show, but I'm like, I'm a Jenna Fischer type, mild mannered, white woman who's like indecisive.

Like that's my type. But the more I'm in relationships, I realize I'm just the boss. Like I'm always the boss. But that's like, it's a joke, but it's also a real thing. I'm exploring on stage where it's like, please, take care of me. I beg of you, somebody pay for me.

Why am I paying for men? And I'm like Hugh Hefner, I'm just like, here's 10 grand, get the fuck out of here. But I wanna be soft and feminine. But I feel like the roles you play. And I go, yeah, you're Elvis. Come to my show, you're Elvis. come to my show you're Elvis you and then he's like oh I couldn't get in and I was like oopsies guess I'm the boss

not really. Yeah yeah. But it was it was a big dick move and I can't help myself. I want to get more personal about your sex life in relation to this but I don't want to say anything inappropriate but like do you dictate the order of orgasm? No, not at all. That's the thing, because another thing I said on stage recently, there was a bunch of people like my age, our age in the audience, especially women.

I have this line where, you know when you say something and you're like, I can't believe I said that, and now I'm like, yeah, this is so true for me. I go, I just, I riffed it, and I'm like, this can't believe I said that. And now I'm like, yeah, this is so true for me. I go, I just, I riffed it and I'm like, this shit is true. I said, I just found out sex was consensual two years ago. And this one night, I got this reaction because there were women of a certain age group and I was like, right?

Like that's our shit. When we were growing up, like think about it. It was like, like, this is terrible. I don't wanna be like, but when you say fantasies of like, oh, I'm sleeping. Right, right, right, right. Like, take me, it's not just a rape fantasy, but it was normalized.

You know when you hear songs or you hear stories, I mean, this shit is still happening, of like men getting the other with children and it's condoned. And I think that was the same thing with like, okay yeah this is an unsavory. No but I will say this. But that was true.

I actually feel weird that I'm committing it to a podcast because when I was at the live show I was like saying to these ladies, I'm like right, this was normal. We used to fantasize like first of all, I'm making out with Luke Skywalker. Second, I'm like sleeping and then like what? And then I'm like, someone's fucking me.

Like that was like normal. And so because of that, I developed a very like more passive during sex. But my thing in life is like, as time goes on, I'm like, oh, I'm the boss of everything. Maybe I need to learn how to bring that into the bedroom. Well, I think it starts at a young age. Like, I remember being like, you know, 14,

and I'm with this girl, Claire, and I grew up in New York, so we used to drink outside at night in the winter. You know, we'd get a case of beers, and we'd make a fire, and then we'd all hang out, we'd have a boom box and smoke some pot. And then if you had a girl or you met a girl, you'd slip off into the woods. And so I went off into the woods with Claire

and for 14, she had really big tits. And so I remember putting my hand up her shirt and not even undoing the bra for God's sakes, just jamming my hand under this bra which could not have been comfortable for her. My hand is like 22 degrees and I'm grabbing. I'm not caressing. I realized like I look back and I go there was no joy for Claire in that situation that was a hundred percent a 14 year old boy trying to feel a tit

that's right and even even like you're probably scared so you're like I'm just gonna do it in one motion because you're you like feel stupid yep doing anything else because that's the weird thing not asking her I would imagine you want yeah you weren't trying to be. I was trying to get to second. And then even third base like was too insecure to like even take the belt off, just jamming the hand down.

And back then, you know, girls didn't shave. So you're pushing your way through pubic hair with your fingers. That's got gotta sting. And then fingering her, not looking for the clit. I didn't know what a clit was. I wasn't trying to pleasure her in the way. I just stick it in with my 22 degree finger

while she pretends that this is good. Yeah, it's terrible. And it's all consensual, but I get what you're saying is it's not consensual. It's not consensual in the sense that we're communicating and on board about each other's needs. Right, right. Or just maybe even warming up our fingers a little bit. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha amazing. Yeah. You know? Well, shocking. Probably not. Probably not. No. Maybe like on the ass it

would feel amazing. Yeah. Maybe just freeze your finger. Put an ice pack on your finger and then halfway through sex slide the ice pack off and then right in the ass. No, not in the ass. Oh. Just like a that would you know, where would you take the cold? I mean, I'm trying to keep it. Sorry, I took it a step further. It's all right. You were like, good idea, it should be frozen so it can go in easier.

And I'm thinking of somewhere that would be nicer. Now that I've said it, there's no way you're not going to be trying that move in the future. It sounds terrible. You're going to take a guy to bed, some Elvis impersonator. Yeah I'm going to do it to him. All the things. Why is there a cold compress on the ice? I'm going to be like, Greg Fitzsimmons taught me how to be aggressive and be a man.

Just shove your hand down there, right? They call it a frozen fourth base. That's called taking control of the situation. Here's what I want. You're dick hard now. I want your dick hard and your finger cold. Let's go. Why don't you put a bra on? You put a bra on for me. I want you to put on some tight panties. We'll see how that works for you. Go ahead. Put your thumb in your mouth and put the cape on.

Put the Elvis cape on. Now you start dressing all your future lovers as Elvis because that's your fetish now. Yeah. I like that you remember that. That you're picking up right where we left off last time we talked because I remember last time we I was on the pod it had just happened Yeah, that's how long it's been. It happened that weekend. It just happened. Yeah, cuz I remember I was like Oh, I don't even know if I should talk about this. Oh, you were so excited. Yeah, I was still in it Yeah, I was still in you were texting with him still or you were trying to text me him. He didn't text me back. He didn't text you back. Rightfully so. You were waiting for a text back from him. Yeah because at that time I was like

I'll just go meet you in another city and I was like Elvis has left the building. Elvis has left the building. He left yeah you remember that yeah yeah I was that was a fun time. All right listen it's time for fastballs with Fitz yes let's go the other thing I was telling with Elvis's because you were asking I was asking if you have sex on the road a lot and so that after the Elvis story and you said no and I gave you some techniques and I said that really no I think this was later no we were texting later and I suggested that you sell merch and try to hook up with guys at the merch table oh you know like you could sell sounds awful you could sell I believe men live like this like I could

see guys doing that with oh. Oh guys totally do that. But guys are gross. Why is it gross to make love to a woman who just enjoyed your comedy? No, women are great. Guys are gross. Yeah. Like if you start from that basic premise.

I mean I get that. Women are gonna be clean. Yeah. I think about how impossible it would be. Maybe it would be easier with guys, because guys already wanna have sex. I only had a few years of being single and being on the road,

and I did have sex with women on the road. You did? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A lot of times it was a waitress. Yeah, shoved my ice cold fingers up their bra and grabbed their titty. Sna was a waitress. Yeah, shoved my ice cold fingers up their bra and grabbed their titty. Snapped a few bras.

Bruised a couple of pussies trying to get through the pubic hair. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey baby, why don't you go in the bathroom and freshen up? I'm going to the ice machine. I'll be right back. How's this? You like a hand that's dirty? I can't feel anything.

Your hand is numb. She can still feel it. So I only had a few years of that and then I met my beautiful wife. So I don't know what it's like on the road, but then I was thinking recently how impossible it would be for me to have a one night stand because there's so much preparation now for me to go to bed. I have to like, I have to floss as soon as I get back to the hotel room. So there'd be flossing, I have to take a piss,

I gotta put on my night, my tooth, my teeth guard. Yeah, sexy. And then I have this thing where I sleep wrong with my wrist so I have to put my wrist guard on. Oh that's adorable. I powder my balls. Like a little baby bird he's got to straighten up his wrists. And it's a lot involved. I don't think I could, I do these back stretches before I get into bed. I mean can you imagine a woman waiting for all of that? for all of that? Just sitting in the corner? Oh, I mean... Listen.

I don't know. I don't have to get into my... I don't know. Oh, did you like that text that I sent you of the Russian woman who looks like the absolute worst version of you? No, I didn't like that. Did that offend you? No, I didn't like that. Did that offend you?

No, it didn't offend me. No. You go in the opposite direction. I really feel like, I wish we could, I'm gonna hold it up to the camera. No, I saw the, what you were saying. I know, but I want the audience to see it. That, she would be, she probably orders men around in bed.

Here. For sure. I'm gonna hold it up to this camera here. Wait, okay. She would be, she probably orders men around in bed. Here. For sure. I'm gonna hold it up to this camera here. Wait, okay. There, yes. Here? Yeah, there we go, all right. Colder.

Stick your ice cold finger in the camera. Oh, she doesn't brush the back of her hair either. I have a vision of myself, but she has a vision of me. Do you have a vision of yourself? Do you have a vision of yourself that you can't see in the virtual? Like we all have a version of ourselves. Like how I see myself is way worse

than the way the world sees me. Like I do, sorry I was on a mic. Yeah, but that's how you see me is way worse than the way the world sees me. No, I wanted you to see how I think you see yourself. That's, you know, your wife is a very patient woman. She's patient. I believe you, but there's also something rude about that.

Yeah. But there's also something very sweet about that. Yeah. She is patient. I know. Honey, wait here. I just gotta hit the freezer real quick. After I floss. Did we talk about Jay Johnston on the show? Dude, what? Is he like pardoned now? There's a guy, you did Mr. Show with Bob and Dave back in the 70s. And Jay Johnston was a member of the cast and I wrote with him on a TV show.

Oh, that's right. Cedric the Entertainer Presents. Nicest guy in the world. Yep. And he is. So funny. He invaded the Capitol on January 6th and was put in prison.

I believe, I think he was imprisoned. I think so too. I think he was imprisoned. I don't know think so too. I think he was. I don't know any more than that. I don't know where for how long. And then like all those other monsters they all got pardoned. Like people that killed a police officer were pardoned. So Jay's loose now. Yeah. I don't know what he's up to. He started a new improv team. Did he? Called the Sixers. The invaders. He's a regular on Gutfeld now. Yeah right. He's headlining the Capitol theater. He's doing the correspondence dinner now. Replacing Amber Ruffin as Jay Johnston. Yeah that was crazy. He just does physical comedy and it brings everybody together. He's not, that was crazy. He just does physical comedy

and it brings everybody together. He's not critiquing anyone, he's just doing like, brat falls. Yeah, and if he bombs, you know, the crowd just pardons him. Yeah, ew. Ugh, egh. I got a bad taste in my mouth from that last joke.

This is called Fastballs with Fitz. Okay. Tell me about your best female friendship. Oh this isn't a fastball. It's a name. It couldn't be faster than that. I don't want to talk to you about that. Alright what's your best best male friendship? I don't have any friends. That's not true. No, that's not true. I don't. Who's the woman you always bring

to the comedy shows with you? Rachel? What's her name? That was a, if I'm thinking of who you're thinking of, she, see this is a bad example. Okay. Because she started as a fan and then she worked as my assistant

and then we were friends and then I had to let her go. Let her go as a friend? Yes. So is there a point at which you considered her? Her, something was connected to her bank account because it was faster for her to do that than to text me and get information to help me with something. Oh.

Yeah. That's what I'm saying. It's not a fastball. No, that's not a fastball. I do have a lot of friends and a lot of close relationships, but it's not going to be a cute like, oh, my best friend, we go to the thing. What about your ex-roommate, Sarah Silverman? You guys still friends?

I don't see her very often, but I love her when I see her. The last time I saw her was at, yeah, see if you prompt me, I'll have lots of fun, fastball anecdotes. The last time I saw her was at a benefit with a lot of the cast from Mr. Show, and my whole set was about dating, and she came up to me afterwards, said nothing about the actual set, but she goes,

Mary, you can't date, you gotta move to where people are. You can't live out there. And meets you, she was genuinely concerned with, if you wanna meet someone, you can't live way out there. You have to, that was very sweet. So yeah, maybe I should need to move back so I can see people.

Have coffee with people. I know. See, I kept like, not running, but like, I'm gonna move here and everything's gonna like, make sense and be calm. And it is, I have a very good life, but like, I feel like Sarah got a place in West Hollywood and just stayed there, which was really smart.

Well, your son's gonna probably go to college in a year, right? Yeah, and then I'll be pretty freewheeling. Maybe you could, did you buy that place out there? I did. Oh, well then you're not going anywhere. And I just decorated it, it's really pretty. Yeah, okay.

I'm not going anywhere. Well, have a party then, invite a bunch of people out. Do you think people will come out? I'll come out. You will? It's hard, because it's, I don't wanna say the town you're in, but it's far. It's far. Yeah. I'll, I'll make, I'll have to make it worth it. Like I'll make the party, you know.

Make it a theme. Yeah, make it a theme or I'll have some food that you can't get. Yeah. That'll get people out there. People love 80s parties. 80s parties or I'll have some weird entertainment and then people come out to see that. That would be fun. entertainment and then people come out to see that that would be fun. It would be funny to get a really awful comedian to perform. That would be fun but then they would be humiliated. Or not I mean they could revamp their career. Who's the

first who's the worst person that ever opened for you? Like on the road, they like give you a feature. These are not fastball questions. Why'd you sound Puerto Rican just now? Hey, Poppy. These are not fastball questions. Happy Cinco de Mayo to you. Did you see the Timothy Chalme, Bob Dylan movie? Did you love it so much?

I didn't love it so much, I liked it very much. I loved it so much, I thought he was so fantastic. I liked it very much. And I thought for a biography, it really treaded in a fun way. That kept me interested. Yeah, I liked that they didn't try to cover his whole life.

Biopics, you gotta pick a couple points. I thought they were conscious that it was a biopic and they did it in a really smart way. And I thought he was so good. And so was the actress that played Joan Baez. Yes, she was great. Bad opener. I have one in mind that would do like,

an AIDS joke, a dead baby joke, a Jerry Springer's joke, Jerry Springer, just all old references. Or like racist or homophobic or talked about his wife. Oh, there was one guy who talked about abortion, but like his stance on it and it's like, dude, how, like how out of touch do you have to be? And you could tell he was this guy that no one ever said shit to.

That was actually pretty fun because the first 15 minutes of my set, okay, maybe not that long, but I just went hard at him. Yeah. Just like, what are we doing? I don't remember the specifics, but's just like what what are we doing? I don't remember the specifics, but I just went through point by point

like and how you think we care about what women like oh, like he's raiding women and how hot women are or not. I was like, wow, that was can I read you know, so then the best the worst opener becomes the best opener because that was actually really fun. I read some comments about your new comedy special, which is called Road Gig that you taped in Chicago. I taped at Zany's one night, one chance only. I just got like a lighting pack and a sound pack.

800 Pound Gorilla did it with you. Yeah, but I didn't, I self produced. Oh, they didn't shoot it. Right. Oh God, it looks great. Thanks. Yeah, it's crisp and I like the way you, it's shot dirty, you get the backs of the heads of people

so you get the reactions. That was a deliberate choice. Cause my manager, she was like, we'll tell the staff. And I was like, you know what, this is what it is. We tried to like take down the Zanies and it looked worse so I was like this it's it's it's a road gig great they should have paid you for that anyway first comment in your comments which were very good was Chris Van Norman 4524 he said I just I thought that was it giving his phone number he

wants to go out with me. He's like, I got a couple of freezing cold hands for you. My ass is cold. Here's his comment. I just want to go on record, Colin Wood. So that's... It was that. I was making a joke that it was gonna be that.

And then as you started it, I hoped it would be something actually about the comedy or being funny, but just would fuck me. That's great. I'm really making good strides in life. That I could be attractive to somebody having nothing to do with the material or the show that I did.

Thank you, Chris Numbers. Chris Van Norman. Van, thank you so much. Who is your best gay friend? Who was my best gay friend? Who is your best gay friend? Who is my best gay friend? Or was. They don't have to be currently.

I know you fire your friends sometimes. My dog is pretty gay. The Shih Tzu? I don't have a Shih Tzu. That's a very gay dog. No, my dog's a golden mix which you think wouldn't be. No. My cat died which was my ex's cat. Oh. And I'm, I was, I had taken the cat for granted because it was my my ex's. And I also thought it was going to live twice as long as the dog. Well, feeding them probably would have helped. I thought they were cats, and they just got it themselves.

They just helped themselves to things, and knock stuff off. Well, if you can do that. Oh, you're going to open the door? Then get your own shit. The cat died. The morning after, I was mourning so hard because I didn't realize I saw the dog, that's my dog, and my first thought was,

we don't really have anything in common. And I wanna do, I'm working on a joke that the cat's the gay best friend that just is always there, like that I didn't realize would go in the bedroom 10 seconds like I checked it out, everything's okay. Are you gonna wear that? And goes in the bathroom, it's clean.

I looked at it like the toilet's ready for you. And in the morning we had a whole language, like the cat, and I see the dog and I'm like, do you even listen to me? Like he's just like, do you have a hot dog? The cats, or the dog's just like the husband who's just like, can we get hot dogs now? It's like, do you have a hot dog? The cat's, or the dog's just like the husband who's just like, can we get hot dogs now? It's like, can you?

Can we? Yeah, and the gay cat can kinda go do his own thing and not give a fuck about you for a little while and then all of a sudden wants to be really close at brunch. Yes, yeah, the cat is brunch. Is a nonstop, we had a whole language. It's going back and forth, rubbing up on the counter.

Is that a good enough answer? Yeah, that was good. There are two types of people in the world, go. These are not fastball questions to me. There are two types of people. I used to think people were inherently good. So now there are two types of people. The people that you think are good

until you talk to long enough and you realize they're terrible. Is that kind of like with me? Because I think you've always thought of me as a good person. Yeah, now I realize. And then when I talked about the finger up the ass with the ice.

Exactly. I feel like you just- See, all this time, it's like I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. Yeah. And then it's like, just show me the truth of who you are. Right, right.

Show me how gross you are. Show me a video of a Russian drunk woman. And go, oh, this is the you. Like, I haven't talked to you in months. And that's how you reach out. You show me some. I know, I randomly said that. Overweight, ugly woman who doesn't brush

the back of her hair, just like me. I'm all trying to angle, like, don't look at the back of my hair. And you're like, this is like you, right? Just how every woman wants to hear. You guys saw the video, this is you, right? Cool, thanks, Greg. And how are you?

How are your ice cold hands? Finally, what is the last time you apologized? To you about being late coming here. Oh, that's right. But then I apologize to you for the studio being so far away. It's a great studio, and if you live in Hollywood, it's a hop, skip, and a jump. But if you're outside the Hollywood area, there's no direct highway to here.

You kinda have to go around. Do you think, be psychic. Look at me, take a breath, do a cactus. Box breath. When my son goes to college, now keep in mind, I'm gonna be spending three months in the Arctic, do you think I'll move to Hollywood? No, I'm not gonna move. I just psychic to myself. Maybe what you can do is rent out your place for three months and feel it out. I might do that. My place is really nice.

So I meet somebody who's really nice. Do you have like a... So I need somebody who's really cool. Do you have a room or a garage you can lock everything up in, like your valuables? Well, I don't really have any valuables. But yeah, my personable, my personable. Personable. Yeah. My personables, my papers, my set lists.

Your set lists. Cats are gay. Lock that up. Important stuff. Alright, listen. Go see the show. It's called North of North. It's got 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. It really is so good.

And it's got picked up for a second season. It's streaming right now on Netflix. You should watch it with your family. I am gonna watch, I'm gonna watch with my wife. I don't really watch much with my family. They're off doing their own thing, but definitely with the wife. I watched the first episode, I thought it was great.

You did? I was totally hooked in, totally hooked in. Did you really? Yeah, the lead actress is really very talented. Yeah, she's awesome. Has she done much acting before? She was in True Detective. Yeah, she's awesome. Has she done much acting before? She was in True Detective. Oh, right.

Yeah. And then one of the, do you remember in True Detective when all the indigenous ladies who died and then they're all in that room like chanting and stuff? One of the women from there is also in our show. Okay. And, but anyway, the lead actress, Anna Lam, in our show is from. And but anyway the lead actress Anna Lam in our show is from where we shot. Yeah. Awesome. And you're awesome in it. Thank you.

Also the specials called Road Gig you can catch that on YouTube and that's it. Look for my new bit called Greg's Icy Icy Fist. In the woods. In the woods. 6 months from now, you could be running a 5K, booking that dream trip, or seeing thicker, fuller hair every time you look in the mirror. Through Hers, you can get dermatologists trusted, clinically proven prescriptions with ingredients that go beyond what over-the-counter products offer. Whether you prefer oral or topical treatments, hers has you covered.

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