Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - Dead Ringers - 30th June

Episode Date: July 28, 2023

The series continues with this week's impressionists.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. You're listening to Tweet of the Day just before 6am, which makes you either a new parent or an old man with a dicky prostate. You're either a new parent or an old man with a dicky prostate. Today, we're up early to listen to a unique sound. A loud, panicked, cacophonous wailing.

Yes, that's a thousand human beings opening their morning post to see their new mortgage rates. LAUGHTER Dead Ringer. This is Today with Nick Robinson. And Martha Carney. The headlines. The government has suffered a defeat as the Court of Appeal ruled Rwanda is not a safe country for asylum seekers. Suella Braverman gave this statement. Clearly, the system is rigged against the British people. I cannot understand why the courts couldn't comprehend

the government's perfectly clear position. Rwanda is an entirely safe, welcoming, hospitable, unspeakable hellhole that will scare the crap out of anyone thinking of boarding a small boat to these shores where they will be welcomed with open arms to build a new life in a country known for how horribly it will treat them. Couldn't be simpler.

Former London mayoral hopeful Daniel Korski is pulled out of the race after accusations of inappropriate behaviour towards women. In his defence, Mr Korski said, you think that's bad, you should have seen the last Tory mayor. Following his failed coup, Wagner boss Evgeny Prokosin has been exiled to Belarus. Exiled to Belarus being

the Putin equivalent of your childhood pet going to live on a farm. Yes, in Russia on day one of the Ukraine war, Vladimir Putin assured his people he'd be in full control of Kiev in 48 hours. On day 491 of the war, he assured them he'd be in full control of Moscow in 48 hours. This was a coup attempt by the Wagner mercenaries led by the warlord Yevgeny Prokoshin. It was only recently we realised just how ruthless and evil Prokoshin is after he admitted to being a major shareholder in Thames Water.

The world reacted cautiously. Joe Biden was woken at two in the afternoon to be brought up to speed on the fast-moving events. Hey, relax. I know all about progression. I've had it prescribed to me

for my acid reflux for the best part of a decade. Ask your physician if Pregaussian is right for you. With this authority severely weakened, President Putin used a televised address to speak directly to the Russian people. What words would he choose after such a dramatic period? What words would he choose after such a dramatic period? OK, deep breath. Firstly, are you OK? But a terrible week for Putin ended on a more positive note with the news he'd been awarded a surprise peerage.

I see what you want. Naturally, the lefties are bellyaching about Bozza giving mad Vlad a peerage. I see what you're... Naturally, the lefties are bellyaching about Bozza giving mad Vlad a peerage. Why? It just makes up for not giving mad Nad one. It was revealed this week MI5 wanted to block Boris making another Russian, Evgeny Lebedev, a lord in 2020. MI5 feared that Boris had been compromised when attending a wild party hosted by Lebedev in 2018, though Boris successfully argued

that the 17-hour-long orgy was a work event. Sport now in the women's ashes continues, but there's still a way to go until cricket reaches sporting equality. If the women really want to equal the men, they need to massively up their racism, classism and homophobia. Joining me on the line is the English Cricket Board's new head of diversity and inclusion.

Hey-o, Martha. Geoffrey Boycott. You're the ECB's new head of diversity and inclusion. Aye, lad. What of it? Well, do you really think you're best suited to tackle this problem? Course I am, love. I'm from a very small ethnic minority called irate Yorkshire blowhards.

And I'm about 300 years old. There's not many like me around. How do you actually plan to stamp out sexism and racism within the game? We're taking a no-nonsense approach to this very serious issue, sweetheart. Former England captain Michael Vaughan will run a weekly microaggression surgery and Sir Ian Botham will become head of women's issues. Meaning all sanitary products at Lord's

will now have his face on them. Meanwhile, the opening day of the second ashes test at Lourdes was spoiled by the antics of some troublemakers on the pitch, or the Australian Batsmen, as they're better known. The government are preparing for the possible collapse of Thames Water. The company had run into financial issues after tackling the difficult job of being paid billions to dump raw sewage into our seas.

Environment Minister Therese Coffey joins me now. Yes, well, I am going to make it very clear to the Thames Water Management just how angry I am. So, what's your plan? Well, as luck would have it, I've been told there's a lot of poo just floating off the coast there, so I'm going to scoop it up and throw it at them. For the first time, scientists have

picked up shockwaves from the orbit of supermassive black holes at the heart of distant galaxies as they begin to merge. This is a truly historic moment, Martha. For the first time, we can watch as these two black holes merge and inhabit the same space. As one agrees to leave its toothbrush at the other one's flat. In Wales, the government is cracking down on unhealthy supermarket meal deals. First Minister Mark Drakeford made this statement. Great people of Wales, you need to eat healthier food. Or at the very least, eat your chips more slowly.

So that I can get my hand in the bag and catch a few. Meanwhile in Scotland, First Minister Humza Yousaf has laid out his independence timetable. Many people feel it's too ambitious a target. But I say the SNP can be completely independent of Nicola Sturgeon within five years. OK, maybe ten. Fifteen at a push. She's not here, is she?

Oh, God, I can hear her breathing. Somebody hold me. Senior NHS doctors have announced they'll strike next month. Apparently the writing has been on the wall for some time, but no-one could decipher it. And the Daily Mail has announced the ideal age for a woman to have a baby, which is, let me check my notes, whenever they bloody want to, you condescending, mansplaining misogynists.

Hello, I'm Stacey Dooley, presenter and journalist making documentaries that are two-part panorama, one-party stenders. And I'm here in Westminster to get to the bottom of its most disturbing scandal yet. I just didn't expect that sort of behaviour from a Tory MP. I didn't know who to tell or where to turn. Yes, I'll be investigating the shocking incident in which a Conservative MP didn't grope someone. I was in a meeting with him and obviously was braced

for having his hands all over me. But instead, he put them down by his sides and left them there. I wanted to tell someone that a Tory MP had behaved like a decent human being. I didn't think anyone would believe me. When I confronted senior Tory figures about these stories, they were at a loss to explain them. Michael Gove.

Well, it is a complete mystery to me. How this man got selected. The Conservative Party has strict vetting procedures to make sure only sexist perverts get through. Most shocking of all, I saw him scrolling through his phone in the Commons and he was actually looking at tractors in fields. Not porn? No, corn. Next week, I investigate the

senior Labour MP who has rocked the world of politics by saying something interesting. I'm Kay Burley and you're watching Sky News, the messy bitch of 24-hour news. After the aborted coup by the Wagner Group in Russia, we're hearing reports of another violent insurrection underway in Rostov-on-Don? Oh, no, wait.

Henley-on-Thames? Fwaa! Full fear the Bozzer Brigade, I am today ordering my band of Brexit mercenaries, Nadine Dorries, Lawrence Fox, Dylan the Dog, and Michael Fabricant's wig... LAUGHTER ..to join me in a march for justice to Westminster.

Fwaa! Via the briefest of detours to Spearmint Rhino. I was unjustly ousted by a kangaroo court for nothing more than breaking the rules I made. We intend to topple the traitor Sunak and Gove and install me as this country's rightful leader, and I promise that I will not abandon this mission under any circumstances whatsoever. Oh, Christ. XY4 has just seen me on the telly and she wants her child support payment. Ah, fwa.

Right, someone get me on the next plane to Belarus. You're on your own, suckers. Fwa. Time now for another instalment of Succession, where there's a shocking new twist. Okay, uh, I've changed my mind about the deal again. Uh, what? Ken, we need to buy Mega Group. It's the smart move. Is that, is that what Dad would do, or, I mean, would he not? Fear not, Martin is here to save the day.

Uh, right, who are you? Martin Lewis, number one in money-saving, number 7.5 on the Richter scale. Right, okay, uh, what are you doing here? I appear every time people are struggling with a purchase. I've just come from a Honda dealership in Lincoln. You're welcome, Mike and Louise. Okay, wow, thanks. Um, but we, we really don't need...

I don't have much time now. What are you buying? A multinational media conglomerate. OK, then I have one question for you. Does it come with cashback? I don't know. Listen, our dad is... Shush, there's money to be saved. I'm your daddy now. You're going to buy the conglomerate and take the cashback.

You're going to put it in a high-interest saver. You take the interest, put it in a current account with cash back. Now you're getting double cash back. Take the double cash back into the saver, into the cash back account, back into the saver, back into the cash back, back into the saver. Double, quadruple, octuple, and boom! You've made so much cash,

they paid you to buy Megacorp. Oh, wow. That is, like, amazing. Yeah. We'll save billions. Now, how do you feel? I feel loved, Dad. That's perfectly all right, son. Now, I'm late for the one show, but

get on and I'll explain all about extended warranties on the way. Uh, why are you riding a horse? I got it with vouchers. Hi-oh, Martin Silver's awake! You're watching Newsnight. All we ever wanted is to touch the sun. Psychedelic kisses keep the lights turned on.

More on that story later. Former Health Secretary Matt Hancock today gave evidence at the Covid inquiry, arguing there had been a lack of forward planning. He joins me now. That's right, Kirsty. There were important tasks that I know could have been planned for better. Such as? The one where Ant & Dec buried me in that underground coffin.

I was hoping to talk about the pandemic. Oh, that again. Boring snoring. Look, it's very easy to list the things I did wrong. But what about asking me to list the things I did right? Off you go then. Look, it's very easy to ask me about the things I did right. But what about asking me how sorry I am about it all? OK, how sorry are you?

As I told the inquiry, for every failed opportunity, for every avoidable tragedy, from the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry. Right. You're smirking. Am I? I had no idea. Let me try that again. I'm so, so sorry. Still smirking. Look, honest truth. My doctor said I have resting smirk face.

It's a real condition. Can I try one more? Sorry, everybody. Matty naughty. No. Bloody hell. You people are never satisfied. But rest assured, I will be using my next TV appearance to offer a genuine and heartfelt reflection on my role in the pandemic.

Is it a COVID documentary? No, Celebrity Naked Attraction. I'm first reserve if Philip Schofield pulls out. BBC Radio 4. Coming up later, Moneybox and Paul Lewis will be looking at all the latest mortgage rates on offer for first-time buyers with all the smugness of someone who bought their house in 1978 for a book of Greenshield stamps. But now on Radio 4, The Archers.

Hello, Clary. This is a nice bit of countryside. Would you like a drink? Oh, yes, Eddie, a wine drink, please. Then I will buy you a wine drink. Hello, Linda. What's the gossip today? Oh, many things are happening, Eddie.

Some of them quite shocking. That seems acceptable. Please sit down next to Clary, my wife, and myself. Eddie, do you get the impression that we're all speaking a bit weird? I do not get that impression, because I am a lovable working-class man who does not notice things. Perhaps Linda has been made aware of it. No, things. Perhaps Linda has been made aware of it. No, no, I have not been made aware of it.

Eddie, I've just realised why we're sounding so stilted and fake. We're being written by AI. They finally got rid of the Archers writers and they're just feeding us through chat GPT. Oh, what a dramatic moment. Oh, we'll never come across as authentic country folk now. Have no fear, Clary. Ryan!

I found the last remaining archers' writer in a ditch. He had carved a script on a turnip with his fingernails. I've had it transcribed, and here it is. Oh, Brian, thank goodness. Hello, Clary. This is a nice bit of countryside. Would you like a drink? Oh, yes, Eddie, a wine drink, please. Then I will buy you a wine drink.

Phew! Now that's how the archers should sound. We're saved! Eddie, a wine drink, please. Then I will buy you a wine drink. Now that's how the archers should sound. We're saved. Welcome to The World at One. With the UK in the grip of a cost-of-living crisis, an inflation crisis and a mortgage-rate crisis, there's growing pressure on the Labour Party to explain how it would solve these problems. I'm joined by Sir Keir Starmer.

And, Sarah, let me say right away that any noise annoys an oyster, but a noisy noise annoys an oyster more. Well, that's very interesting, but what specifically would Labour do about all this? Fundamentally, it's about recognising that Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers and she sells seashells on the seashore. I'm sorry, what's going on? Well, look, the country's in such a state that anything Labour says about it actually just makes us look less popular and credible than if I just sort of recite tongue twisters. I'm sorry, isn't it your job as leader of the opposition to offer detailed proposals?

Well, I accept that, Sarah, as someone who's not a pheasant plucker. I am a pheasant plucker's son, and I'm only plucking pheasants till the pheasant plucker can't. Okay, let's just see if we can get anything more substantial out of the shadow Chancellor Rachel Reeves. Good afternoon. Madam, I'm Adam. Okay, how

would you deal with this extremely difficult economic situation? A man, a plan, a canal, Panama. So you're just going to answer every question with a palindrome, are you? Mr Owl ate my metal worm. This is just getting us nowhere. Keir Starmer, Rachel Reeves, thank you very much. Red lorry, yellow lorry.

Kayak. Laurie, yellow Laurie. Kayak. Do you love Roman's potty-mouthed zingers on Succession, but feel a little dirty afterwards? Well, now you can enjoy Roman Roy's scatological filth without feeling queasy. He was a king once. Now look at him, eating shit with feet of clay.

A f***ing neutered hound dog. Yes, Penelope Wilton reads your favorite Roman Roy lines in a much kinder gentler way including this classic congratulations Tom I hear you swallowed your own load yes all the pearls of wisdom from HBO's favourite dead-eyed sociopath. Just much cosier. You know who drinks milk? Kittens and perverts. But if you've had enough of being cleansed, time to feel dirty again. Roman Roy reads Richard Breyer's lines from The Good Life.

Barbara, I can't get my wellies off. LAUGHTER From The Good Life. Barbara, I can't get my wellies off. Coming to theaters this summer, it's the most ominous movie of the year. It's Oppenheimer. Mr. Oppenheimer, what are you building in the desert? Chaos. If my calculations are correct, it'll be the most destructive force ever known.

Three, two, one. My God, what have I done? I am the destroyer of worlds. I have created... Lee Strauss! I have created. Least Trust! Wow, how cray-cray is that?

I know! I was just minding my own business, not existing, and then, boom, here I am, an unstoppable force of destructive energy, ready to wreak havoc on any unsuspecting economy in the world. Epic jokes! Welcome to Great Lives with me, Matthew Parris. Sounding a little bit like a sad ghost,

doomed to wander the corridors of Broadcasting House until an ancient curse is lifted. My guest this week is Daily Mail columnist Boris Johnson, and he's chosen as his great life former Prime Minister Boris Johnson. Boris Johnson. So, Boris Johnson, what made you choose Boris Johnson as your great life? I adore Boris more than anything else in the world,

including other men's wives. Not only was Boris Johnson the greatest Prime Minister in history, but he had a squeaky clean character. You don't, as some historians have, come to a somewhat different conclusion, that he was actually a fat lying git.

I've been here 40 seconds. That'll be eight grand. My invoice will be in the post. Well, he seems to have departed. Next week, Kanye West will be choosing Gandhi for his great life. Only kidding, it's Hitler. You're listening to Front Row, the TV guide for people with wine

subscriptions. After the announcement that the uber-violent film director of Drive, Nicholas Winding Refn, would be adapting The Famous Five for TV, the BBC has commissioned a series of classic children's books reimagined by Hollywood directors. From the director of Goodfellas and Casino comes Scorsese's latest story of a small-time troublemaker

who bites off more than he can chew. You think I'm hungry? Hungry how? Hungry like a clown? Joe Pesci is the very hungry caterpillar. You think there's something hungry about eating two pears on a Tuesday, three plums on a Wednesday, and a sausage on a Saturday?

Tell me what is so hungry about me. Actually, hold that thought. I gotta stick my head through that chocolate cake. Oh, Mamma Mia. Hello and welcome to The Rest Is Politics with me, Alistair Campbell. And me, Rory Stewart. And we're back again. Ready to regurgitate our same old opinions week in, week out

until you know what we're going to say before we say it. And I segue to the adverts with all the subtlety of a trucker performing a handbrake turn after realising he's just fallen asleep at the wheel. But now, you've probably heard that Ed Balls and George Osborne are trying to muscle in on our territory, making a podcast where two political opponents disagree agreeably. No, no, Alistair, as our resident know-all, I can point out we weren't the first. Remember that podcast that

began in 1943? Hello, everyone, and welcome to Churchill and Hitler. Nice to be back with my old mate, Winnie. So, what have you been up to this weekend, Adolf? I've been doing a bit of light reading, and I annexed Czechoslovakia. Well, well, you know I don't approve of you invading countries, but I don't think that should get in the way of good old matey banter. Squash on Thursday.

You try and stop me! And remember, this show is sponsored by Chesterfield cigarettes. They're much better than the stinky old cigars I normally smoke. Just a few days to go until Wimbledon and until we pretend to care about tennis again for a fortnight

before completely forgetting about it for a year. I'm Claire Balding. For the first time, the tournament will be using AI technology to generate match commentary. Excitingly, we can now hear just how these robotic voices will sound. For the last time, Claire, I'm not a robot. Apologies, Sir Andy. This is worse than that time I got chatted up by the self-service checkout at Aldi.

Well, now you're here, what are your thoughts on it? AI will never be able to replicate the emotional depth of a normal human voice. Even I can't do that. So you're against this technology? Absolutely not. I think there's a place for emotionless, bland commentary in tennis. Well, I certainly hope you're right. Or Andrew Castle and John Lloyd be out of a job.

Newcastle and John Lloyd be out of a job. Hey, watcher, and welcome back to Peston. Well, you never quite know if a sentence has ended. Or is just slowly losing the will to live. Can anyone get to grips with the issue of sewage on our beaches? Environment Secretary Therese Coffey joins me now. Yes, I am getting to grips with the sewage, thank you very much. Well, thank heavens.

Yes, by launching a new ad campaign extolling the virtues of poo. Do you want to see it? If you must. Holiday makers, why bother going abroad to get a tan When you can go a lovely shade of brown Just by swimming off the coast And ladies Do you want a beach ready body this summer?

Then try diphtheria Just immerse yourself in our reviving waters and you could be size zero in less than a week. Yeah, it's great, isn't it? No! Shouldn't you actually do something to stop the sewage? I didn't enter politics to do anything. I just fancied looming over people at odd moments. That's why I've got a summer job at

Wimbledon being a lines person. It's the only place a sturdy woman like me can stand there motionless for a whole day and no one bats an eyelid. Dared Ringers was performed by John Coleshaw, Lewis MacLeod, Jan Ravens, Jess Robinson and Duncan Wisby. The writers were Nev Fountain and Tom Jameson, Lawrence Howarth, Ed Amsden and Tom Coles, James Bugg, Edward Tew, Sophie Dixon, Peter Toulouche, Toussaint Douglas, Duncan Wisby, Katie Sayre and Sarah Campbell.

It was a BBC Studios production for Radio 4 and the producer and creator was Bill Dare.