Friday Night Comedy from BBC Radio 4 - News Quiz 1st October 2021

Episode Date: October 1, 2021

Lucy Porter, Angela Barnes, Alun Cochrane and Matt Forde join host Andy Zaltzman to chew over the week's news. On the menu this week: the fuel crisis, Labour conference, end of the furlough scheme, Amazon's new house robot and the new Bond film.The chair's script is written by Andy Zaltzman, with additional material by Alice Fraser, Max Davis, Tasha Dhanraj and Heidi Regan.It was produced by Sam Michell for BBC Studios.

This is the BBC. This podcast is supported by advertising outside the UK. BBC Sounds. Music, radio, podcasts. Hello. Look, there's no easy way to say this, but we have heard increasing rumours that a complete national sense of humour failure is now imminent. So if you could panic laugh as much as possible over the next 28 minutes, you'd be very grateful.

On this edition of The News Quiz! Thank you, I am Andy Zaltzman, and seriously, I meant that, this is a genuine concern, there's almost no laughter left in the United Kingdom whatsoever. Please, I mean, that just proves it. Please, however,

do not laugh into a jerry can or milk carton or have a fist fight over who gets a laugh first. We have to maintain some vague standards of civilisation. This week's teams, we have Team Panic Stations against Team Stationery Panic. On Team Panic Stations, we have Matt Ford and

Alan Cochran. Stationary Panic. On Team Panic Stations, we have Matt Ford and Alan Cochran. And taking them on on Team Stationary Panic, it's Angela Barnes and Lucy Porter. We also have our live online audience. To prove they are live, I will now hold up a copy of today's newspaper. Can you just confirm, audience, this is today's paper? That's a great joke for radio.

Great joke for radio. For the benefit of the tape, you just had to put a copy of Razzle. Well, yes, but this was before the takeover and it was renamed. It was still then known as The Times from June 1899. Well, our first question this week, this can go to both teams. What this week saw the return of Q?

Oh, it's a clever one, isn't it? It could be Bond. Yes. Or it could be the Q. It could be the terrible shortage of something that we're not short of at all, petrol. Well, they're both correct, but the even more correct answer

is the petrol answer, so I'll give you two points there. Well done. Did any of you panic buy anything? I've just enjoyed watching it. It's been like Mad Max with Mondeos. Fun. No, I don't have a car, so it didn't really affect me, but

I walked past a petrol station yesterday and just, just loads of strange men scrapping with each other out in the street. Sorry, did I say petrol station? I meant the Labour Party conference. It did lead to one of my favourite ever headlines that I've read in any news story ever,

so much so that I've got it written here. A driver pulled a knife on a motorist and was then run over. Cyclopike. Don't bring a knife to a car fight, mate. That's my advice. Don't bring a knife to a car fight, mate. That's my advice. All the local sort of WhatsApp and Nextdoor and everything have gone absolutely nuts for this.

It's brilliant. Because everybody's saying they're not panic buying. They're like, where can I get fuel? I need to take a minibus full of orphaned kittens for dialysis. Because obviously it's all the other people. The other people are being selfish, but not me. And then, yeah, everybody's just like, where's GotFuel? And then it's like, oh, yeah, there's, you know,

Ikenham, you can get fuel in Ikenham, so everyone goes to Ikenham. And what I have done is you can tell on your sat-navy thing, you know, your maps app, because the situation is the petrol stations have either got fuel or they haven't. If they've got it, they're rammed. I remember it with a little rhyme. If the road be red, there's petrol ahead.

If the road be green, no fuel to be seen. I've got a similar rhyme. If a man's got a knife and he's coming over, run him over. People have gone to such lengths to find where the petrol is. I read one story about people following oil tankers as they left refineries to see where they'd go,

and it's like, you don't know how far that... That might be going a full tank of petrol away from your house. How's that helping you? I think you should just have to make a new life wherever you get stuck, really. That's how the British Empire started. But to put it in context, you say there's a fine line between panic buying and being sensible,

and the difference is it's panicking when other people are doing it but to put it in context I mean people have been prepared to spend hours and hours queuing for fuel and risk missing two maybe even three new Britney Spears documentaries how much people really

genuinely need this fuel thinking about it is actually quite close to the perfect crisis for the British. There's no real danger, and it involves queuing. It's absolutely right for everyone to be. But, I mean, can we really expect people to remain calm in a situation? After all we've been through in the last 18 months, I mean, we're all a bit scarred, aren't we?

I mean, I still wake up in a cold sweat having recurring nightmares about that first week of lockdown when the shops ran out of pasta and I had to make a lasagna using 85 rolls of toilet paper. It's so hard to keep it al dente. Are we going to just do a shout-out to the army who might be stepping in to help this? Because that's apparently one of the ways that they're going to fix this.

Now, I'm no military expert but that sounds like a way easier job as a person in the army than like a couple of months ago when they were in kabul a few weeks ago i was fighting the taliban and today i'm driving a lorry in the lake district eating yorkies What a bloody result. Yeah, when you put it like that, I think I'd rather be in Kabul. It's like really bringing the army, trying to attract foreign workers with visas and stuff. It's like, I love the fact that we've got to attract foreign workers,

but we've also got to sort of satisfy our base and not really want the foreigners in. So what we'll do is we'll get them in and then we'll send them back on Christmas Eve, which is at the most magical time of the year. We're going to send them back and we're going to tell their children there's no Santa Claus and stamp on their Toblerones.

We're just going to... It'd be like that Coca-Cola adverb, but the other way round. Yes, so this is the fuel crisis. Much of Britain has been gripped by petroleum panic this week as people showed exactly how much they trust the words of our government, who said there was no shortage of fuel and no need to panic buy, at which point an estimated 68 million of us got in our cars and went straight to the nearest petrol station.

There were chaotic scenes of scuffles. Scuffles, I tell you, at service stations. A man pulled out a knife after another car jumped into the queue ahead of him because, well, we talk about how much the British public loves to queue. We also underplay how much we love violent overreaction as well. queue, we also underplay how much we love violent overreaction as well. People have been

reportedly filling their cars with the wrong fuel because how different can it be? Will strawberry milkshake work? Or maybe a Bulgarian Cabernet Sauvignon? I mean, what is wine if not unmatured crude oil? Besides, liquid is liquid. My car is thirsty. Let it drink. I should point out, you can actually put petrol in a diesel car, but only once. At the end of that round, it's three to Team Stationary Panic, Angela and Lucy,

two to Team Panic Stations, Matt and Alan. Moving on to our next question, this can go to Matt and Alan. Who was left shaken but not stirred this week? Well, that's another one that could be both, couldn't it? It could be James Bond or it could be Keir Starmer because he got heckled, didn't he? Well, that's close enough. I'll give you a point. I was really looking for the Labour Party.

Oh! Shaken by rabid infighting, but not particularly stirred by Keir Starmer's speech. So, Matt, you've been involved in the Labour Party in the past. How did you enjoy the conference? Is it still called a conference, or is it just a mega-bicker these days? Well, I didn't go this year,

but I thought it looked quite good on the telly, actually. I think Keir Starmer did really well. I thought you handled the heckles very well. Didn't get angry, stayed calm. I mean, as a comedian, I'd have liked him to use some standard heckle put-downs. I think that would have been good. You know, when people started heckling him about Palestine,

I'd have liked to see him say, yeah, save your breath, mate, you'll need it to inflate your girlfriend later. Ha, ha, yeah, save your breath, mate, you'll need it to inflate your girlfriend later. Ha, ha, ha, ha. I mean, the gags were very good. It was, as a comedian, you had to say that speech. The, er, my dad was a toolmaker, as I suppose was Boris Johnson's.

Top notch, absolutely. It was because I thought, you know, I was worried about him because when he's inevitably ousted, I thought he's going to either have to go back to being a lawyer or just become a knitwear model, but actually, stand-up comedian now. It does make you despair, doesn't it? The infighting in the Labour Party is so embarrassing to watch.

I just think if they were a family, they'd have a social worker by now. I mean, you know, I think they want to be in touch with the British public and they looked at the British public this week and went, well, everybody's fighting each other and going nowhere, let's do that. Matt, is there any chance of Labour... Because it seems to me that essentially the Labour Party is two separate parties that are wedged together by the demands of the first-past-the-post system,

in the same way that the Conservatives are, the Conservatives are better at ignoring it for the ultimate goal of power. Is there any way that Labour can learn to get along with itself? I mean, this is part of the problem, is that people say about party unity, but it's very hard to unite with people that don't want to win an election.

It's like saying, well, you know, Spurs should pick people who are super morbidly obese. There has to be a door policy if you're serious about actually winning something. That only worked with Gaza. What you have to remember as well is some people will just never be happy. So they'll find every reason to be annoyed with Keir Starmer, who I think most of the public look at and think is a very sensible, calm, decent guy

who gives off an air of professionalism and competence. And they're really things that the Labour Party hasn't done for about 11 years. And some of the criticisms of him, Richard Bergen, who's a Corbynista MP, he said, people don't want pints and fish and chips, they want transformative politics. Now, firstly, I think he's wrong.

Secondly, I think free fish and chips was in the last Labour Party manifesto And thirdly, what a joyless take on life My wife doesn't want champagne on our anniversary She wants a state-owned green bank issuing bonds to fund a workers' collective I have expressed on this programme before I can't really talk about Keir Starmer's speech

because I do fancy him. And it's... You know, anything I have to say is coloured by that. But I also quite fancy Jeremy Corbyn. I think it is... I've got a type and it's powerlessness that attracts me. You can't build a relationship on sympathy. How do you feel about Mr Bean, Lucy? Yep.

I did like the... He got a three-word catchphrase in as well. He's got his gags, he had his catchphrase, make Brexit work. It's very much in vogue, isn't it, the whole build back better, get Brexit done, make Brexit work. I would like politics to use longer catchphrases. I think, you know, something like we're the lip smacking, thirst quenching, ace tasting, good buzzing, hard talking, Tory bashing Labour Party.

Let's look a little in a little more detail at what Starmer specifically said. I've got some snippets from his speech with some words taken out. Now, our panellists get one point if they can tell me what he actually said and two points if they can tell me what I've decided he should have said.

So, for example, to take someone else's speech, Greta Thunberg this week said blah blah, and then if you take out the last word, it was blah, where it should have been blah blah, blasputin, clearly. So, another example from Starmer's speech

would be this. We guarantee that every young person gets to see a Let's find out what he actually said. We guarantee that every young person gets to see a careers advisor. But what he should have said was world-ending apocalypse.

Yeah. So let's... Let's throw this to our panellists. First one can go to Matt and Alan on Team Panic Stations. Here's the quote. I've spent my entire working life trying to get... LAUGHTER What were the missing words there?

Monday's off. LAUGHTER Any other suggestions? Was it a little bit taller? LAUGHTER He started with platform shoes and then he's got, like, a rack, but it's just making absolutely no difference. Not Iraq again, Alan.

Still tearing the Labour Party apart. Was it, um... Was it, I've spent my entire working life trying to get off with a stand-up comedian? Because if it is, you're in luck. Well, let's find out what he actually said. I've spent my entire working life trying to get justice done. Justice done is the correct answer.

What he should have said, according to me, is I've spent my entire working life trying to get my own headed notepaper. Quote number two. This can go to Angela and Lucy. We want every child to get the chance to... Is it we want every child

to get the chance to drive a lorry, preferably they can start tomorrow? Is it to have Boris Johnson do a paternity test? Let's find out what he did actually say. We want every child to get the chance to play competitive sports and play an instrument. There we go. Sport and music.

What he should have said, of course, was we want every child to get the chance to scream into a void of despair at the world they will inherit. Let's move on. Two quick ones to finish off. When I was at school, I had... ..with Fatboy Slim. Any suggestions? When I was at school, I had pillow fights in my underwear No, no, no, quite close

When I was at school, I had a leadership pack like that one Tony and Gordon had with Fatboy Slim That could save the Labour Party, Matt. Let's find out what he did say. When I was at school, I had music lessons with Fat Boy Slim. Music lessons? What he should have said,

of course, was when I was at school, I had several erotic time travel escapades with Fat Boy Slim. And finally... I would pay to watch those. Finally. I've lost count of how many business leaders have told me that they wish their

could be longer. I've lost count of how many business leaders have told me they wish their mission to space could be longer. Was it speeches? Because his speech was so long, I thought it was quite bold of him to do a 90-minute long speech because there is the possibility that some social problems could have been fixed by then. Let's find out what he did say.

I've lost count of how many business leaders have told me that they wish their time horizon could be longer. Their what now? Time horizon. Again, speaking the language of the masses. What he should have said, of course, was yachts. That brings us... That concludes the Labour Party Roundup.

It is now five points all. Moving on, what is winding people up by itself being wound up? Oh, furlough. Correct, Matt, yes. How do we think this is going to pan out? At the end of the furlough scheme, the wage subsidy on which over a million jobs were still dependent and which has been very generously paid for by our children's children,

their children and the magic faraway money tree that they all live in. Thanks, Lytton. It's much appreciated. Do keep the tab open if you don't mind. But how do we think this is going to pan out? Well, it's very tricky because people talk about the effect on unemployment. But I'm sure any economist listening will back me up on this. One of the key things that furlough kept afloat was Rishi Sunak's popularity.

And that is about to come to a sad end. I mean, it's weird. I sort of forget that people are still on furlough. I've got friends that have been furloughed for so long, they've changed their LinkedIn profiles to I do jigsaws now. And I do worry about these people, if they do come back to the workforce,

they've forgotten how to do their jobs. I don't want a pilot coming back who hasn't flown a plane in 18 months. When our first child was born, my wife had an epidural and the nurse said, this is my first shift for over a year. And her hands were shaking, which was slightly concerning. To be fair, if I was a nurse, that is a practical joke

I would play every single day of my life. There's all this talk about, well, it's fine because there's loads of jobs, so if people who come off furlough lose their jobs, they can just go into one of them. But it is because it's mostly the travel industry that's been suffering. And you think, well, you can't get air crew and get them to deliver petrol

because they deliver it in those tiny little cups. Yes, this is the end of the furlough scheme. It's hard to say what's been the greater help to people during the pandemic, the furlough scheme or Netflix's laissez-faire approach to password sharing. The end of the scheme does mean that hundreds of thousands of people face uncertain futures in hard-hit sectors such as hospitality, travel and being Gavin Williamson.

face uncertain futures in hard-hit sectors such as hospitality, travel and being Gavin Williamson. Although, of course, if people do lose their current job, they can always sign up to join the army to help bring peace to unstable, conflict-scarred regions such as the Shell forecourt in Welling, south-east London. It's now seven points to Team Panic Stations, five to Team Stationery Panic, and this question can go to Angela and Lucy on Team Stationery Panic.

Amazon said this week that they believe that in five to ten years' time, every home will have at least one what as part of everyday life? So this is robots in the house, right? And we all panic, don't we, about robots taking over. And I've decided i'm not going to panic i welcome the robots into my home i do because i blame hollywood has made us go for decades ah the rise of ai the robots are coming they're going to wipe out humanity be afraid they're going to take your jobs going to take over your life i'm not scared of robots you don't have

to be scared of robots and here's why they haven't even worked out how to tick a box that says i am not a robot this is the new amazon robot called astro which is like a little it's basically an alexa on wheels the only thing i don't like about it is i don't need to invite something else into my house to judge me you know it's like oh i saw your cushions were looking a bit tatty so i've ordered you some new ones do you know what i mean that that worries me a bit this robot because they said oh it's a security device basically it's going to keep your home more secure but it's going to cost about a grand when it comes out it would be the only thing in our house worth stealing. It didn't have any real practical application.

I want it to fold laundry and pair socks is what I want it to do. But it kind of... Ooh, that was popular. Tell you what, Keir Starmer should have put that in his speech, shouldn't he? That would have been... But, yeah, it looks like all it's going to do is just wander aimlessly round the house, and I've got a husband, two children and two cats that do that already.

I don't like all this Wi-Fi stuff. Everything's Wi-Fi. We had a washing machine that broke, and they sent us a better washing machine that was on the Wi-Fi and I won't use the Wi-Fi bit because I read an article that apparently that Wi-Fi is insecure and I don't want Vladimir Putin knowing when I've put a wash on. I already worry enough when I've put trainers in and my wife finds out and tells me off.

It's funny you say that, Alan, because I've got a Wi-Fi-enabled tumble dryer. And I got paranoid like you. I thought, well, the Russians are going to hack it. And I think they have, because the other day I took all my laundry out and all the little socks were inside one big one. Yes, indeed, strapping humanids. The robots are coming. They're coming over here.

They're taking our jobs. We should send them straight back where they came from, the future. Keir Starmer talked about robot surgery in his speech, and Amazon has announced the launch of a household robot called Astro, which it insists is, quote, more than just Alexa on wheels, just in case you were wondering exactly how dystopian to make your nightmares about it. On the official nightmare scale,

I think it's 7.9 full Stiltons. The robot will apparently be able to keep an eye on your home whilst you're away and send owners a notification if it detects something unusual, or when it inevitably develops a mind of its own. Hashtag matter of time, you idiots, and wants you to witness it vaporising a squirrel just to remind you who's really in charge of your house now.

So at the end of our robot round, it is nine points to Team Panic Stations and seven points to Team Stationery Panic. And our final round this week, which figure, who might seem like a relic from a bygone time but is surprisingly popular with young people, despite being frankly unrealistic in today's world, got a rapturous reception on his comeback this week?

Well, now it's James Bond, right? Correct, yes, it is Bond. Well, you could have had Jeremy Corbyn, but James Bond as well. Are you Bond fans? I mean, it feels... I never really got into it as a kid, and it does feel a bit macho. I mean, obviously some people want it to really modernise, but I don't think you can make him too woke.

I mean, it would ruin the catchphrase. The name's Bond. James Bond. Pronouns he slash him. Ah, Mr Bond. Pronouns he slash him. I, pronouns they that them, have been expecting you, pronouns he slash him. I pronouns they that them have been expecting you pronouns he slash him. Lucy, would you like to see a lady Bond, which is coincidentally a government-backed investment in which you buy shares in the Duchess of Kent? I mean, you know, obviously Keir Starmer's in favour,

so I very much am. But, I mean, I don't like... I mean, I'm sort of fairly neutral about the Bond films, but I do think if there's one thing that we Brits sell well, it's problematic men who have issues with women and substance abuse. We've got Bond, we've got Sherlock Holmes. I mean, really, the only non-problematic character we've got is Paddington, and he's not even British, he's Peruvian, isn't he?

And what I want to know is in that little suitcase. Exactly. Yes, this is the new Bond film, No Time To Die, which has finally been released after being delayed by over a year. In fact, it had been delayed so often that it was on the verge of being re-nationalised. LAUGHTER The film finds the, now let me work it out,

91-year-old Secret Service agents with... LAUGHTER ..with what we must assume is a truly sensational skincare regime on his toughest mission yet convincing people to pay 15 quid to sit in an enclosed space with 400 strangers for three hours it's the uh 25th official bond film not including non-official bond movies like never say never again casino royale alvin and the Chipmunks, The Squeakquel, definitely not canonical Bond for me, and those Russ Abbott, Basildon Bond sketches, which I personally think were the best ones.

Now obviously a film these days is only as good as the cost of the outfits worn at its premiere, so this is a sensational film. And Daniel Craig, not playing by the rules for the fifth and final time wore a bright pink jacket to the premiere making him ironically the only adult male not dressed as James Bond at the James Bond premiere That concludes

this week's News Quiz. We have a tie at nine points all between Team Panic Stations and Team Stationery Panic thanks to Matt Ford and Alan Cochran to Angela Barnes and Lucy poured some breaking news just reaching us after the collapse of three more energy companies this week

to lighten people's mood as the winter approaches and get kids more excited about energy companies. The Business Secretary, Kwasi Kwarteng has launched three official energy crisis mascots. Icy, Dicey and Pricey. Icy is a cuddly, disused radiator. Dicey is a half-French, half-British power cable

who occasionally catches fire. Pricey is a gas meter with a threateningly cheeky grin and a big furry eviction order. Fun for all the family. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. meter with a threateningly cheeky grin and a big furry eviction order. Fun for all the family. Thank you very much for listening. I've been Andy Zaltzman. Goodbye. Goodbye. board. In the chair was Andy Zaltzman and additional material was written by Alice Fraser, Max Davis, Heidi Reagan and Tasha Dan Raj. The producer was Sam Michelle and it was a BBC Studios production.

Thank you.