The Help
00:00 It's good to be in something from the ground floor. I came too late for that. I know. But lately I'm getting the feeling that I came in at the end. The best is over. Many Americans, I think, feel that way. Just another regular episode
00:18 of the Hate Watch Podcast. How you guys been? Connor fucking cut his hand like a bitch. Connor was at urgent care earlier today. Yeah, dude, I fucked it up so bad. It hurts a pig. Connor was at urgent care earlier today. Yeah, dude. I fucked it up so bad. It hurts so bad. They can't really tell on that.
00:29 You can't tell. It's so swollen. It's unbelievable. I was washing a glass, and the glass just shattered in my hand, and I sliced my hand open. Man. Yeah. That's almost the most pathetic way to get it.
00:41 It's such a pathetic way to break it. Yeah. The only worst way I've heard of somebody I had to take them to urgent care was my friend Mark. He broke his hand because his bong broke. And he sliced his hand wide open and I had to drive him to urgent care all over a bong mishap. How aggressive was the bong hit that he was taking? I don't know. I don't know how it even, how that works.
01:00 Like how does it, you're smoking so hard at snacks. Yeah, he must have been like white knuckling the bomb. Knowing Mark that would happen. Yeah I think it was already had a crack in it. I think it's what happened with my glass too. I think it was already kind of cracked or something because it exploded in my hand. What if Mark was kicking? And my hand just went straight through it and then I looked at it and I just saw like the white meat.
01:19 Jesus. And I was like fuck! Oh man. Fuck! See I'm the type of guy that like like, I'll try and avoid it. Were you like, fuck! Holy shit! Were you yelling fuck?
01:29 Yeah, I was screaming at the top of my lungs. Valerie's like, what, what? She runs in. She starts screaming louder than I was. Oh, really? And then I felt, like, really no pain. Like, it didn't hurt at all. It only hurts now for the first time.
01:40 Well, you were bragging that the doctor thought you were, like, really tough. Yeah. Because you didn't feel any pain. Well, they, like, they dunked my hand, like, to, like, they dunked my hand into a tub and then poured hydrogen peroxide all over it. And the doctor was like, I'd be screaming right now if I was you. And I was like, well. Can we get a doctor who's not gay in here? Exactly.
01:56 It's also your fault. You stole the glass that broke. I know. I did steal the glass. It's karma. It was karma. You stole it from a restaurant. I'll never steal again.
02:04 From where? Barbandini. Yeah, you don't. What's that? Or whatever. Barflores. Whatever. Yeah, I stole a glass from Barflores.
02:12 They're all the same place. You also ran out on a tab at Lobo. What? What are you doing? Hundreds of dollars. Connor, what are you doing? That was on accident. You were there, too.
02:22 Yeah, I was there. We all walked out on accident. We didn't know, though. You were there, too. Connor was there first. We all walked out on accident. We didn't know though. You were there too. Connor was there first. We all thought he was paying. We all met up at the same time. Yeah, you could take the boy out of Tujunga.
02:31 Exactly. It's crazy. But dude, my doctor was like, I don't even know who his doctor is. I had like a resident. Thank you, Spots. Thank you. And I had a resident doing my stitches and I was very nervous because he was like, are you doing the stitches today? He's like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I need stitches, and I was very nervous. Because he was like, are you doing the stitches today?
02:45 He's like, yeah, yeah. And I was like, I need some fucking confidence here, dude. He was really young. And then the guy overseeing him was this older gay Filipino guy. And Val at one point was like, how long is this going to take? He has a podcast to do later. And I was like, don't do that. You look like the gayest guy in all LA.
03:02 I look like the worst LA in all LA transplant whatever like how long is this gonna take I need to go record with my friends and it was so embarrassing but then they start talking about podcasting
03:11 and all that stuff and then the gay you know we got a podcast too they had a nursing podcast yeah they put me down they killed me
03:19 and uh but the Filipino guy was like so you like comedy and I was like yeah I'm a stand up he's like loves Joe Coy no he was like do you like Dave Chappelle and I was like I used to guy was like, so you like comedy? And I was like, yeah, I'm a standup. He's like, loves Joe Coy. No, he was like,
03:25 do you like Dave Chappelle? And I was like, I used to. I was like, I still love Dave. It's, he's just kind of like gotten, he's bad.
03:33 He's like, I'm his wife's brother. But dude, he goes, no, I feel you. Every joke is the same. It's,
03:39 and he starts saying hard R. Whoa. He's like, it's a bitch. This, it's that. Boop, boop, boop, boop, boop, it's that like non-stop and i was like what the filipino yes they could say that they could say that they're allowed to they were called that sure they were i read a history book one time they were called that there were two mexican
03:58 i don't know man slurs are so fun to me it's if it's not like two but like no but it's like they're sort of it's like like brown people like no but it's like there's sort of it's like like brown people like middle eastern people who are called like the sand n-word yeah dude i'm like you can't use the n-word now it's also like the n-word is the only offensive part of that sand's not offensive i think they're called that in like a slavery context at some point i don't know i just think it was like a lazy racist it's not good either way yeah i was like you know you're like that thing i hate but you're in the sand. Slurs!
04:25 Like, I don't know. But there's no, you can't take the power back because the offensive word is not even for you. Yeah, yeah. That'd be like if I was like, can't believe the other day
04:33 some guy called me a potato faggot. You're like, well, it's, faggot's the bad part, not potato. Yeah, not potato.
04:38 Right. You know? Well, you know, slurs are very interesting. Because the other sand N word is sand monkey. And then you got diner monkey, which no one bats an eye at because nobody gives a fuck about Greeks. All Greeks do is run diners and they serve you cheeseburgers.
04:54 What are Armenians? Armos. Armos. Do they have a monkey? What would their monkey be? Cologne monkeys, I would assume. Cologne monkey, probably. BMW monkey
05:05 Which is crazy Because they say monkey And it all It probably all dates back To the initial racism Of like a black person Sure Or I think actually
05:13 Probably The Armenians Were the first monkey Yeah Oh yeah They were Just spots Yeah
05:19 Spots you good Towel Alright thank you You look good spots Thanks spots That is a really nice suit. Spots, what other vapes do we have on deck today? Well, we have a couple Max Flow varieties here.
05:32 We've got strawberry. We've got... You're shaking a little bit. What do you want? Are you nervous, Spots? Berry ice. Berry ice. You know what?
05:44 I would like a taste of the berry ice. Do you have a simple berry ice? Thank you, Spots? He had... Berry ice. Berry ice. You know what? I would like a taste of the berry ice. Thank you, Spots. Here, I'll help you, Spots. Spots, yeah, set it down. It's so hard to find good help these days. Give him a break. Thank you. Can you de-plastic it for me?
06:04 Thank you. Of course, sir. And there's a sticker on the bottom. Can you tap on the bottom? Thank you, sir de-plastic it for me? Thank you Of course, sir And there's a sticker on the bottom Tap on the bottom Thank you, sir My pleasure Thank you, Spots That's good Can I try?
06:13 The notes are great Yeah, yeah It's got legs It's a 2023 mint Nice Thank you PZ5000 You picked well
06:21 That's That ball's wonderful That's a triple berry ice Nice Wow, so Try that Alright I'll try it as well Try it
06:28 It's bad It's actually really bad You don't like that? It's disgusting Spots you chose wrong Jesus Christ What are you doing dude? That's so gross
06:36 That's like the worst You know how you asked For some time off Spots put this in the trash Throw this in the trash Are you giving him His holiday pay? Put it in your pocket
06:43 So I can't even grab it On accident Spots was asking for some time off. His mother has cancer, and it's his kid's birthday coming up. Tell us when it's stage four. But after that, you're going to be working tomorrow. So, sorry. Yes, sir.
06:59 I understand. Anyway. Thank you, Spots. So, yeah, anyway. Jason Sheehan, you lost your chance. You're no longer our butler. We had a lot of butler openings, and a lot of people were fighting to the death over it,
07:13 and you lost. You didn't show up at Connor's show. I hate to say it, but Sheehan bailing on us is the best thing that ever happened, because I love Spots so far. Spots is great. I couldn't imagine a better slave. Yeah.
07:24 Wow. Same mistake again, I promise't imagine a better slave. Yeah. Wow. I won't make the same mistake again, I promise. Please, no more triple berries. It's really, it's pineapple, coconut, ice. Maybe try them before you put them on the tray. You could try them. You could try them. Like that video of all those little Chinese guys trying them in the lab.
07:37 Sure. Yeah. Take one puff. Yeah. Wash it off, put it back on. Trey, how'd you find this butler? Spots, like there's a whole service for butlers. You can just go online.
07:48 Yeah. Did you filter them at all? Did you go for specific things? Just go like, butler Los Angeles rental. Yeah. Okay, well. Is there any other vapes that are better?
08:04 Why don't you get a couple other vapes going while we... Let's do, like, a vape flight. A vape flight. Just a little flight. All right. John, you need your Miller Lite, sir? Thank you so much, sir. Of course, my pleasure.
08:13 Beautiful. I like the way he presented that to you. That was wonderful. That was very nice. That's how you know he usually works at, like, a classy, like, a wine place, because he does the wine. Yeah, yeah. Look at that. So, what is this?
08:24 Really quick spots. Are these natural vapes? All natural. 100% natural. All natural. Okay. Excellent. This is a strawberry apple watermelon.
08:32 Wow. Let me try that one first. The de-rubber. It's in my experience the vapes that have three flavors are usually the worst. So let's keep that in mind for next week. Guava freeze I, is a delight. This isn't doing anything. Can you prime it for us?
08:50 You have to open up the back. You have to let the flow in. It's a max flow. Maybe suck on it a little bit. It's a max flow. Oh, dumbass. He's the expert. Oh, is there a thing on it? That triple berry ice, I don't know how to explain it. It kind of tastes like vomit.
09:05 I liked it. It kind of has of tastes like vomit. I liked it. It kind of has a vomity flavor. I liked it. Did you buy that from a storage container from a Chinese woman? They were by one... Spot, this doesn't even work. Let me see that. Let me see that.
09:16 Let's look at instructions here. Spots, can you open up the Guava Flow, please? Jesus Christ. I can open it. I'm not sure if I can turn it on. What's going on with that one, Connor? Oh, my bad. It's heading.
09:28 Thank you. I am sorry. I am sorry. That was user error. Spots are dropping stuff. So, Connor, with the nurses, were they all Filipino? No. That we're saying the other word?
09:39 No, my guy who stitched me up was a young Indian man. Young Indian. Yeah. I liked him. Thank you, Spots. My mic's fucked up. You know, you ever notice how Filipinos are essentially all nurses? Yeah.
09:53 What is that? Nurses are singers. They sing a lot. They're singing people. Yeah, they are. They're always doing karaoke or nursing. Yeah. What do you think came first, the Filipino or the caretaker?
10:03 I don't know, man. That is true. That's a real chicken in the egg question. That is true, the Filipino or the caretaker? I don't know, man. That is true. That's real chicken in the egg question. It is true. The Filipino or the nurse. I bet you this is Douglas MacArthur's fault somehow. Yeah, absolutely. Because he went over there, did all the war shit,
10:17 and then they probably just needed to be war nurses, and now they're like, all right, we got this job that we can do to make money. He let the Japanese get a hold of him for too long by surrendering. And then he came back, and then it fucked the whole race up. If you see a Filipino. I don't want to say that. I like Filipino people. You ever seen a Filipino in the wild?
10:35 They're all wearing nursing shoes. They're in scrubs. Like, no matter what. I'm sorry about that. It's all good. We'll get you new water. I know I keep saying that. I apologize.
10:43 I don't like this one. They're always wearing scrubs. Spots. We're not really a fan of these max flows. No, this one's really I keep saying that. I apologize. I don't like this one. They're always wearing scrubs. Spots, we're not really a fan of these Max Flows. No, this one's really good. You try it first. That one's all decked out in like chroma. That one looks like a Filipino's car. This is crazy.
10:54 That one is really good. I want that one back after you try it. Oh, this is delicious. This is like an Armenian's vape. That's where they really know what they're up to. So, you guys want to hate watch some stuff? Let's watch some stuff. Okay.
11:08 Spots, you're welcome to watch. Tastes like an armpit, honestly. You're welcome to watch. It's not like Barbra Streisand on set or anything. You're allowed to give us eye contact and look at the videos and whatnot. But just please don't speak up. Just be yourself. Don't look them in the eyes.
11:21 Okay. So, Connor, what was this? You sent me this little weird blood diamond influencer. It's good. This, like, blew my mind, dude. This is like M. Night Shyamalan level twist at the end. Yeah. It's unbelievable.
11:37 All right. All right. Let's check it out. Let's check it out. I'm in a natural diamond mine right now. These miners in Sierra Leone are looking for a diamond that could change their life. And the way they do that is during the dry season, they pack this dirt. And during the wet season, they break it down and one shovelful at a time, throw it to something called the rocker,
11:56 where they wash away the mud, revealing the gravel that could contain the diamond. They take that gravel, throw it in this. What's wrong with this? It's a black gold rush. Yeah, he's just showing us what they do. These are black prospectors. You know? I mean, come on. Yeah.
12:13 You could buy a little, like a kitschy, like a little kitschy statue of them at a shop in Vermont. Ignore their missing heads. They're Somalians sitting in a bathtub like, yes, dammit! You're like, this one's... Where'd my gold go?
12:29 Salt and pepper shakers. You're like, this statue's broken. It has no foot. They're like, no, it's actually perfectly fine. That's how it comes. He lost his foot in the mines. My statue's an amputee! Exactly.
12:41 Move it up and down, and the diamond should move to the center. Now, if you think I'm out here in the middle of Sierra Leone looking for a diamond to sell, that's because you're stupid. I'm actually out here to protect these guys' only chance to make money because lab diamonds like this one are threatening to take that livelihood away. That's why our team is on this fair trade mission to make sure you understand that when you buy natural diamonds, the capital should flow into the community. They need to develop themselves the most. Behind the diamond business are the people. The people are more important than diamonds. Becca goes, anyway, I've got to catch a flight back to Israel.
13:18 I need to whip one of my servants. I'll be right back. Yeah, and diamonds are, people are more important than diamonds. He says, get back to work! So this video work I love this one part where it shows me when you give me another time I love this one part where it shows him pretending to take money people because lab diamonds livelihood away that's why our team is on this fair trade mission to make sure you understand that when you buy natural diamonds the capital
13:45 should flow into the communities they need to develop themselves unbelievable it's crazy so so they're trying to pretend that buying like fake diamonds which are essentially you can't really tell the difference now also the whole point of like artificial diamonds in the first place is to get rid of what's happening over there to be like these are blood diamonds it's a really corrupt thing happening so i don't i don't think diamonds are it's an arbitrary number we put on it they're actually useless aren't they they're not even like worth anything what i what i think happened is sierra leone used to be so there's a difference between guys going out in the woods and mining diamonds as africans and there's there's any conflict diamonds right so if there's there's anything these guys going out and sifting through the mud and a guy pointing an ak
14:28 at them and making them sift through the right so this might be okay you're saying yeah that's okay but the problem is kind of pro blood diamond i'm probably well the thing is i think what happened to sierra leone leone used to be like a massive conflict conflict area and it's probably gotten better in the past like five years but i'm sure like what the eu and and are we put these like 10 20 year embargoes probably on them or like hey listen no diamonds coming out of this country ever and these people are like well we learned at first we learned how to mine diamonds with an ak point at the back of our heads now we're just kind of mining them because it's fun no and it's fun yeah they have a blast listen listen it probably wouldn't be that hard this This is our main export.
15:06 Yeah. So we're trying to make money, and we're not slaves anymore. Yeah. Possibly, but they also might be slaves. I'm just saying that's a chance. But it's okay if they're slaves because other black people are making them do it. Exactly. That's fine.
15:18 It'd be cool if they figured out how to farm and shit. That'd be awesome. Nice. Yeah. I mean, I guess you're right, John. You changed my mind. I'm pro-Blood Diamond. We're all pro-Blood Diamond.
15:28 I think that video is just so annoying because that guy is such a fuckboy. Yeah, he sucks. He might as well be like, I'm in Sierra Leone, and it's a bandemic out here. Yeah. This is another crazy video I saw. These students at a high school volunteered To get pepper sprayed by the police On like a study of like you know
15:50 What it does to them or whatever And yeah it's just a little fun video You get to watch a bunch of kids Like a gym coach Pepper spraying them Stop resisting please Oh my god Stop resisting
16:03 Stop resisting Oh my god. It's crazy. Stop resisting. Oh my god. They start losing their minds. Yeah. Except for this bitch right in the middle. I don't know what she's going through at home, but she doesn't let it get to her at all.
16:21 Nerves of steel. She goes, my dad pepper sprays all our food. I don't even give a shit. Also, I love that he's adding stop resisting before. It's like, that's for nobody. He's just a retard that's trying to make it more a part of his study. Like, you know they're gonna say this to you when they do this. What if it's like all white kids, he keeps going, stop resisting,
16:38 stop resisting. There's one black kid, he goes, stop resisting, you black son of a bitch! Stop resisting! No, there's one black teen and they shoot him. Very good. They tried to do this with black teenagers, but they wouldn't agree to get shot. That guy's the Chad of the fucking class.
16:52 Look at him go. They all freak out like pussies. Oh, what's that dwarf doing there? He's not a dwarf. He's just a tiny high schooler. He's like Hasbro. Oh, fuck! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! a dwarf he's just a tiny high school oh
17:22 you say that all these like fat like like counselors and teachers that's what you get for freak dancing at prom. You don't save room for Jesus. You're going to thank twice for you crip walk at prom. Because I got to go shove a toy car up Ryan Dunn's ass now. Later, kids. Yeah, fucking Lance Bangs is filming this.
17:46 Freaking out. What the fuck? Dude, if I was at this school, if I was one of the kids watching, I would be like, you're fucking retarded. I'd be losing my mind. I would look like Jim Carrey in Dumb and Dumber after they put the hot chili peppers in the guy's burger and he dies. I'd go crazy.
18:16 How is this legal, by the way? They must be 18-year-old seniors. You think they signed a thing or something? They must be 18-year-old seniors. They're not 18. No, they're not. I read into it. They had their parents signed off on it.
18:27 Their parents hate them so much. Their parents just don't give a fuck about them at all. Yeah. It's beautiful. Their parents hate them or love cops? Is this supposed to be a thing where it's like, hey, we're raising awareness about police brutality? Not at all, dude. I don't know.
18:39 You don't know? What's the point? Look at them. It's like a bunch of white people in middle America. Are they trained to possibly become cops? Yeah, they're hoping they're going to. You'd think they're those types of people. I don't know. What's the point? It's like a bunch of white people in middle America. Are they trained to possibly become cops? Yeah, they're hoping they're going to. You'd think they're those types of people. I don't know.
18:50 But anyone that is like, yo, I'll do it. They're like one of those middle management company men that just wants to at one point get a gun. Like bootlicking psychopaths. Yeah, I can see that. Wow. Yeah, I could see that. Dude, the midget's hard. Let's go, Zach! Let's go, Zach! Let's go, Zach!
19:20 You got this, Zach! Once again, though, there's my queen right in the middle. She's just holding her knees like MJ during the flu game, not showing any signs of pain. She just looks a little tired. She's like money riding on this. Yeah. There's bets. Teachers are betting on the kids.
19:36 Yeah. No. No, she's a stone cold killer. Zach, you're fine. Let's go. Zach, you're fine. Let's fight. LFG, bro.
19:45 Let's fucking go, dude. Don't be a fucking bitch, Zach. You know, this shit can like kind of permanently blind you. Really? If it goes wrong, yeah. There's just a teacher outside being like, I'm fucking ruined. Fuck. Lost everything betting on these kids.
19:59 Yeah, this is on DraftKings. Zach, you're fine. Let's go. Let's go. You're fine. Let's go. Let's go. You're fine. Let's go. Which one do you think Zach is? Zach's this guy.
20:10 Zach's that guy? I think, yeah. He's a punk. It really, it makes your eyes like blood red. Like, it's crazy how it looks so demonic
20:19 when you get pepper spray. My ex-girlfriend got fucking like pepper spray during the Black Lives Matter riots and shit. She had like 14 styes in her eye. It was crazy. It was fucking wild, dude.
20:30 What? Really? Yeah, yeah. She came back from fucking, she was like rioting in Grand Rapids. She was rioting. Rioting. I went up there to visit her and I was like trying to like, we were like trying to have sex, but she had like styes all in her eye.
20:44 It was nuts. They can give you styes? Yeah, dude. Turns your eyes into the inside of a cave. Just all sorts of things start growing. It was a fun time. Yeah. No.
20:54 It was a fun time. Fucking my pepper-sprayed girlfriend. Never been more attracted to her in my life. I like him seasoned. I like a nice style. Who doesn't like a good style? I have a shit. I like a lady that feels like Braille.
21:14 That's what I like. God damn this mic, dude. I'm sorry. You gotta hold it a certain way, Carl. I can't blame your hand. Joey does that. He uses that all the time. I'm just trying to hold it right here.
21:25 Or maybe it's because this thing's getting... We need some wire management here. John, did you ever think about fucking her sty? Hopefully not. No, I was afraid the sty would explode. Having her shove her sty up your ass. The sty's a pimple. By the way, I need to show you
21:42 something real quick. We're going to go off this video for a second. Before all, Devin's looking this up. Can we get another vape flight real quick? There's nothing to look up. Hold on. Thank you, Spots. A new flavor? Yeah, absolutely.
21:51 What's the best looking flavor? Because this one looks fucking marvelous. Let's say Cola Freeze is pretty intriguing. Whoa. Cola Freeze is a great choice by you, Spots. Thank you, Spots. Thank you for that. I thought that as well when I saw what you had.
22:04 You know, because we don't have enough coal in our systems as Americans. It's time to get it in the lungs, too. I'm vaping high fructose corn syrup right now. So, John, you are, I'm a little worried for you. I can't pull this up because it's on my phone. It was on Nextdoor. There's a person of interest in possible, there's a possible serial killer going around LA lately. I don't know if you guys know this.
22:28 Yes. There's been like five to six homeless murders. I'm going to find him, dude. And he's targeting the homeless population. Oh, I heard about this. He's targeting the homeless population. And so I'm just like, what word for you? Well, listen, buddy.
22:40 Wait, what is the actual case? He's shooting guys in the head. Oh, really? Yeah, it's gnarly. I think... Los Angeles serial killer suspected of slaying three homeless people in four-day spree. Do not sleep alone. So they got a little Patrick Bateman out there.
22:54 Yeah. You know? You smell like shit. So what is this? The cola? Is the cola good? It's interesting. It almost, like, feels caffeinated.
23:02 It does, yeah. Like, it's a sharp flavor. Do you think it's that good? I kind of like it. That's actually my favorite one so far. I kind feels caffeinated. It does, yeah. It's a sharp flavor. Do you think it's that caffeine? I kind of like it. That's actually my favorite one so far. I kind of like it. Spots, do you know the... It's like a cola icy.
23:11 Is there caffeine in this? It has a lovely aroma. I don't believe there is any caffeine, no. It felt like it kind of woke me up. That's one of my best... That's one of the best vapes I've ever had. I agree. What's the nicotine content?
23:24 It's unique, but it's good. Nicotine content is 5%. It's always 5%, especially the hypes. Thank you, Spots. This is wonderful. So, three homeless men were fatally shot while sleeping on the streets of Los Angeles this week, and police believe a serial killer is behind the deadly spree. The unknown assailant kicked off his deranged attacks on...
23:44 Alright, well, don't judge us yet. Hey, deranged. Deranged? Throwing all these adjectives out there. Pretty sensible to me. You're painting a whole picture of this guy. I mean, what if they were in the way? He's painting sidewalks.
23:55 I mean, Jesus Christ. You know, homeless people love nothing more than just stand in the middle of work traffic. Let's wait until we hear the full story before we start throwing deranged... Please, relax for a second. The unknown assailant kicked off his deranged attacks on Sunday just after 3 a.m. when he killed a 37-year-old man sleeping in an alley in the Westmont Village neighborhood
24:13 of the city. The killer struck again nearly 24 hours, this time targeting a 62-year-old man behind a building. Well, he's had his time. What building? Which building? It just said building. I don't know. The third victim, a 52-year-old man, hey, you know,
24:26 a lot of people die of heart attacks at that age. A lot of Gen X guys. Was killed around 2.30 a.m., Wednesday police said. The commonalities
24:32 amongst these homicides are that each of the victims were in an open area, whether it be a sidewalk or an alley. They were alone, LAPD chief Michael Moore
24:39 said. Is Michael Moore our LAPD chief? That fat fuck? Jesus. Fuck Michael Moore our L.A.B.E. chief? That fat fuck? Jesus. Fuck Michael Moore. Every Michael Moore movie, by the way, the big moment in every Michael Moore movie
24:52 is him getting escorted out of a building. Yeah. And he knows he's not allowed in there anyway. He's getting pulled by a truck out of a building. That's what's happening. Yeah, exactly. Like, we need, yeah. Because he's fat!
25:02 Because he's fat. Because he's fucking fat! Dude, when I was a fat kid, I used to wear a hat all the time like this and I'd have my hair flipping out. Yeah. And one time my dad and I were at Blockbuster and he found,
25:11 there was like Fahrenheit 9-11 or whatever it was. Yeah. And he looks at it, he looks at Michael Moore in the cover and looks at me and he goes, Kath, he looks like fucking Michael Moore. And I was the most devastated.
25:23 My dad, the funniest guy. That's so mean. I was like 11 years old and I was like, who's Michael Moore? And then I was the most devastated. My dad... That's crazy, man. That's so mean. I was like 11 years old and I was like, who's Michael Moore? And then I saw the cover and I was like,
25:29 oh no. My dad used to flick my tits. Really? I'm kidding. Imagine your dad does that. He bean scoops you. He bean scoops you. He did a titty twister
25:40 to your own son. My dad literally scoop dunked me in front of all of his friends one night. Friday night, I came home, he's hammered with his friends? My dad literally scoop dunked me in front of all of his friends one night. Friday night, I came home. He's hammered with his friends. He goes, whoop, whoop. Scoop dunk.
25:49 Oh, God. My dad, I used to be so fat. One time he bought a bunch of boxing equipment, and I came home, and he had the two things up. He threw me gloves, and he's like, come on. Hit me. You're a bum, Devin. Come on, Rock. You're a bum, Desi. Come on, rock. You're a bum, you fat fuck.
26:09 How many sodas you have today? Oh, man. Yeah, being fat sucks. Oh, being a fat child. I remember my dad, I had a bunch of family photo albums, and every photo of me as a child, I had like Skittles in my hand or ice cream or some shit. And my dad at one point was looking through them and was like,
26:26 we could have taught you better eating habits. Jesus, man. And your dad's wearing like a bed sheet as a shirt. Yeah, my dad looks like a pear. My dad looks like a slave trader. Your dad does. Yeah, it's crazy. Your dad looks like Paul Giamatti in 12 Years a Slave. He should be selling spice in fucking Dune.
26:44 He kicks ass. I love him, but he has the Benjamin Franklin hair. Well, he used to. He shaved it now, but my dad definitely looked like Benjamin Franklin for like five years. But yeah, so we believe a single individual approached each one and shot and killed each one as they
27:00 slept. Any in Skid Row? Well, everyone's dream is to go while sleeping. I want to know the buildings. Any in Skid Row, Well, everyone's dream is to go while sleeping. I want to know the buildings. Any in Skid Row, does it say? It's gotta be. Michael Moore called the murderers three a series, but declined to call the suspect a serial killer.
27:16 The suspect's identity remains a mystery. Police have only established he is a possible male who is acting alone, of course. I mean, men kick ass and they're always... Hell yeah, dude. Lone wolves. He was caught on surveillance footage wearing hooded clothing and driving a dark-colored sedan, the LAPD said.
27:30 Ooh, I wonder if that's up for auction yet. Maybe the Tesla road rage. He looks like a ghost. He does. He does look like a ghost. The department established a 24-7 task force
27:38 and a tip line to accelerate the capture of the homeless serial killer and increase patrols in areas where people are known to sleep on the streets. Yeah, so he looks like he's driving a, that looks like a Honda Accord Sport Hybrid.
27:49 That's a great car. Doesn't John have one of those? It looks kind of like John's Ford Fusion Focus. The city is working to open emergency shelters, typically relegated to harsh weather to get as many homeless people off the street as possible. They are now encouraging homeless people to get office spaces and live in them.
28:11 Yeah, I don't know. Karen Bass isn't doing anything. She sucks. I met her. She wouldn't take a photo of me. What's our damn mayor of fish? That's horrible. Oh my God.
28:22 Am I right, folks? What the hell? Where's that gun? I voted for Susan Trout, personally. I'm more of a Susan Trout almond bean. I'm a Tara Salmon guy. Can I have that Bud Light, please? Of course.
28:40 My pleasure, sir. I want me to open it for you. Thank you, Spots. Spots, do the service. Thank you, Spots. Thank you. Thank you, Spots. Spots, do the service. Thank you, Spots. Thank you. Thank you, Spots. Look at how beautiful that is.
28:50 And once again, the Coke freeze is a delight. You have killed it once again, sir. You have killed it once again. I still am wondering where my blue pen went, though. What? Did you steal my blue pen? No, sir. Oh, you have like an ink pen?
29:08 It's a family relic, that pen. Did you take anything from him? No, sir. Well, you know. You're sweating spots. It's a little hot in here. I'm not hot. Well, it's that bowler derby you're wearing.
29:20 It's a little tight. He also misplaces all the clothes that he folds. They're the same size. Good God. You enjoy? He also misplaces all the clothes that he folds. They're the same size. Good God. You and John? Spots. Wow.
29:32 I don't know. I don't know what to do with this one. I kind of like that he fights back a little bit. Yeah, he's a little sassy. He's a sassy queen. It's making me sick to my stomach. No, I think if your butler will just take abuse, you're like, I don't respect you. Yeah, you want an Alfred butler who gives you, like, life advice. Exactly.
29:49 Spots, what would you tell me right now? Like, as, like, life advice. You know, Alfred was always like, when you fall down, you get back up, Master Wayne. When you're living in an office building, you got to get an apartment, man. Yeah. There you go.
30:01 Yeah, he's a very judgmental slave. Yeah. I like it. He's a very judgmental slave. Yeah. I like it. He's a very judgmental slave. He speaks up. He does. Thank you, sponsor. You are like a regular Django.
30:14 I'll consider that. A slave that's disgusted by John's lifestyle. That's hilarious. A butler's like, sir, you need to get your shits together. Yeah, sir, I folded your diarrhea sheets today. We have a listener, by the way, who has like a massive muscle disease. His name is Wheelchair Pat. Oh, we met him.
30:32 Yeah, yeah, yeah. He texted me. Wheelchair Pat, that we went to the Beverly Hills Hotel with him. That's fucking wild. He made a scene. And he pities John somehow. The guy with the... He's always worried about me.
30:42 He'll text me and be like, you okay? He'll be in the hospital. He'll be in the hospital and he'll text me and be like, you okay? He'll be in the hospital. He'll be in the hospital and he'll message me like, yeah, I just got out of the fucking hospital because we're like, we're about to play chess
30:50 with each other and stuff. And he'll go like, yeah, I almost fucking died in the hospital. I just got out. Fuck, man, that was crazy. And he goes, by the way, man,
30:58 what's going on with John? Is he okay? Is John okay? I feel terrible for John. My favorite thing about Pat, Pat had so much champagne that night and he can't speak really. When we met wheelchair Pat.
31:12 When wheelchair Pat, he kept sitting there and he's leaning back in his chair and he just keeps going, I'm so fucked up right now. Yeah. Yeah. I'm so fucked up right now.
31:21 My favorite thing was we were at the Beverly Hills Hotel, which is a very nice restaurant. I didn't even know he was fucked up. I just thought he had was we were at the Beverly Hills Hotel which is a very nice restaurant. I didn't even know he was fucked up. I just thought he had like dental work
31:28 done earlier that day. He's running rampant. I thought they put him in a wheelchair. I was like, it must have been a crazy fucking filling. You thought it was like
31:40 wheelchair pet after dentist. Yeah. I guess he got a, he had a crown or something. No, but he did have, we talked about it I think once, but he had that computer voice on a Beats Bluetooth speaker, and he was loudly. Kept calling his stepdad a faggot.
31:57 Not his stepdad. He was calling all of us fags. No, that was his brother-in-law. Brother-in-law, right, right. He told me to suck his cock. Yeah. I was toying with his chair. In the middle of the Beverly Hills Hotel.
32:07 In the nice dining room. We kept threatening to run his chair through a plate glass window. We walked the whole room, or Pat did. We were being nice. Well, Pat was going like 60 miles an hour through the fucking dining room. He knocked some people's drinks over. They couldn't do anything because of all his tubes. He had like tubes coming out of the side of his chair,
32:25 and he kept knocking people's drinks over. I think he had the speed set up to maximum. He looked like he was about to take the governor off the wheelchair. He was going full speed through the dining room. He looked like he had just landed on Mars. Oh, yeah. He had a rover. He looked like the rover.
32:45 Great guy, though. His like the rover. Great guy, though. His family was odd. Great guy. Love them. They were dealing with a really weird situation. I love his sister telling him to shut the fuck up. I feel like the sister wanted to fuck all of us. She had a big scape jaw in the eyes.
33:00 I literally fell in love with his sister. You said she had big milkers or something? No, she was just a mommy You're obsessed with mommies I saw her sister immediately They also were swindlers Why is she dating this guy? Because they didn't pay for the bill
33:17 They left us with the bill And Pat was such a sweetheart He goes, I'm so sorry I didn't know that And I'm like, Pat, relax. I'm not going to take money. What are we talking here? How much was the bill? $300 fucking dollars.
33:30 It was wild, brother. Because we had their champagne on it, too, from earlier, before we even fucking met them. And they just wandered out front. And I don't know. They were like butt-fucking each other out front. You're like, Pat, it's OK. But if they're not careful, they'll end up in wheelchairs as well, all right? Whole in front of Beverly Hills Hotel. You're like, Pat, it's okay, but if they're not careful,
33:45 they'll end up in wheelchairs as well, alright? Whole family full of wheelchair freaks. They did sneak out real quick. They literally snuck out. They're like, alright, well, thanks! They ran out like gypsies. Yeah. They were trying to save money, I could tell. Also, they wouldn't let John drive the van, which is weird.
34:02 That was bullshit. We wanted to have some fun in the van. We were going to take Pat to the Rainbow Room because we wanted Pat to fucking experience LA. By the way, he couldn't make it up those stairs. I guess he could go on the patio. Oh, yeah. Pat would have been fine. You weren't getting hammered though, so you'd be drinking and driving.
34:17 I was being a good boy. I had one old-fashioned. I was being a good boy. By the way, I just can't get up. I mean, spots is the stare into nothingness. Yeah. It's remarkable. It's impressive. It's inspiring and impressive.
34:32 I mean, what are you thinking about up there? Yeah. Absolutely nothing. Absolutely nothing. Beautiful. That's the way we like it. It's just a PC fucking sleep screen. Just a ball bouncing back and forth.
34:45 Let's get one more vape. Yeah, let's try another vape there, Spots. Here, go ahead and set it down. Well, you love the alternative flavors, so we're going to go aloe grape here. Oh! I love a grape. The lungs could use some aloe. It lubes them up, and it's very good for your insides, aloe.
35:02 Bet you love that. Now, Spots, what's the vitamin content of the aloe grape? It's very high in vitamin C and D. Excellent, excellent. Thank you. I like how they're putting vitamins down these things. Thank you. Thank you, Spots.
35:15 Excellent. I got two vapes. I'm double fisting. So there is... Let me just try that. That's pretty good. Aloe grape. It's not as good as the Coke, but it's pretty good. I'm a big grape guy. Let me try it. The aloe grape's delicious. That's pretty good. The aloe grape. It's not as good as the Coke, but it's pretty good.
35:25 I'm a big grape guy. Let me try. The aloe grape's delicious. That's delicious. I'm going to say the Coke's the top. Get in on this. The Coke. I've never been a big Coke guy.
35:34 The Coke freeze is the best I've had. The Coke freeze is like something you would get at Burger King. It's wonderful. It's not bad. It's not bad at all. These are delights. Coke freeze is my least favorite one except for that first one. Really?
35:47 Yeah. I like the Coke. I enjoy the Coke. This is my favorite. This is second. And then. The Elf Bar sucks, dude. This and then Coke.
35:54 Yeah, the Elf Bar was garbage. The Elf Bar was absolutely disgusting. You know, I liked it at the beginning, but you know. All right. On to a new video. This video fucking rocks the shit. Oh, is this Sicario? Yeah. We're going to watch Sicario right now. It, is this Sicario? Yeah.
36:06 We're going to watch Sicario right now. It's the movie Sicario. What the fuck happened here? All right, there was a shooting in Houston a while back on the highway, and the cops are just in a battle with this guy. Fuck yeah, dude. And one of the cops gets shot, and then this regular guy comes over and saves his fucking life.
36:20 Fuck yeah, dude. This is like my dream, dude. Alright, come this way! Come this way! See the cop over there? Oh my god, this kicks ass. Come this way! So this is like a construction worker.
36:37 This way! Come here! Come here! Man helps pull an injured cop out of gunfire. Come here! Come here! Come here!
36:43 Come here! Oh, he's screaming like a bitch. I got you! The guy filming is Daniel Zarian. Come here! Come here! Come here! Come here! Oh, he's screaming like a bitch. I got you! The guy filming is Daniel Zarian. Come on! He goes, give me your fucking gun and just leaves him. Come here! Come on, you're okay, bro.
36:56 Texas is awesome. You're okay. You're okay. Over here. Over here. You must be a vet. Is he a vet? Is he a military guy? He's got to be. When you drag a guy like that, that's military shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Or he must be a vet. Is he a vet? Is he a military guy?
37:05 He's gotta be. When you drag a guy like that, that's military shit. Or he's just a guy. He knows where to pull on the plate carrier. Because all the plate carriers have little handles on them. You never know, though. Also, anyone that went to trade school feels like they're also a cop. This guy could be a welder.
37:19 He's forklift certified. He's been waiting his whole life to pretend. I mean, this is a Richard Jewell guy. Well, Richard Jewell is a hero, by the way, too. Don't mitigate Richard Jewell. I think he's a fat terrorist. Fat, disgusting domestic terrorist. They announced it.
37:37 They're like, we found the fat terrorist. We found the fat terrorist. We found that fat piece of shit terrorist. The Atlanta Olympics would have been a breeze without that piece of shit. We busted this guy dragging a cop around. Hey, bro. You're okay. Breathe.
37:50 You're okay. Breathe. Put the gun down. You're okay. We're going to get shot. You're going to be all right. Listen. You're going to be okay.
37:58 Relax. Relax. Hold my hand. Hold my hand. He goes, okay, unzip my pants. That's gay. That's pretty gay, dude. Now suck me off. He's like, suck my balls. Hold my hand. He goes, okay, unzip my pants. That's gay. That's pretty gay, dude. Now suck me up.
38:06 He's like, suck my balls. Yeah, he goes, yeah, and then he goes like, fuck cops. He bludgeoned. He shoots him in the head. He sharks him like it is last night. Suck my dick. Suck my dick before you die. Hold my hand.
38:23 Hold my hand. Kind of gay. Kind of gay, honestly. Hold my hand Hold my hand Kinda gay Kinda gay honestly Hold my hand What is this Bobby Kelly Connor if you got shot How would you act Let's go around the table If I got shot
38:38 If I was shot there I'd go I'd just keep I'd never end I'd go, ah! Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd just keep, it never ends. I'd go like, I'd be like this. Hrk! Vroom! I'd go, ugh! I'd go, mm!
38:53 Damn! You'd go, damn! I'd go, ah! Oh, that stinks, that does sting. I would just act like I'm cumming, that's the thing. Because I'm kind of like a masochist Yeah I guess technically these are all coming sounds
39:08 Yeah really Oh yeah I've always thought it'd be funny That's me coming also You know Yeah Did you make any weird sounds when you cut your hand? No I literally just screamed fuck so many times Fair enough
39:21 You'd probably do that if you got shot too Yeah probably Did you make a mess? Did you get blood? Kind of funny if you made, like, a cum sound when you cut your hand. You go, oh. I cut my hand, I'm like, oh, fuck!
39:33 You're, like, fingering your ass. Are you coming in there? When I cum, I go, ow! And the fuck was that? Every time. I go, I'm about to, I'm about to, I'm about to, ouchie! And the fuck was that? Every time. Yeah. I go, I'm about to, I'm about to, I'm about to. Ouchie.
39:51 That's how I come. But also the only way I can come. Ouchie. Ouchie. Uh-oh, there's so many liquids everywhere. I got a boo-boo. So, Connor, you were doing shows up in Brea with Chris Estrada, the great Chris Estrada. Yeah, that's why I wasn't here last weekend.
40:11 Legendary figure, that's why you weren't here last week. And they went great. It was great, yeah. Big Mexican crowd, big Cali crowd. And you were saying that you really wanted to do a bit where you walked on stage and you showed them how much of a Californian you are. It was the bit all weekend where I was like, I was sincerely asking Chris, I was like,
40:28 Hey man, would it be cool? And tell me if it's not cool. But I'm thinking of, I, I come on stage, I grab the mic and I go, California.
40:40 It's like 500 Mexicans in the audience. They're like, what the fuck is this? It was Brea, California. We kept calling it the Breezy. It'd be me going, California love. Are we in the Breezy?
40:55 What's up, motherfuckers? That was a bit all weekend. It was killing us, dude. I love that so much. It was killing me all weekend. Love to go up to some gangbangers. Dude, yeah. That was my favorite part of the story.
41:07 Connor said there was a bunch of gangbangers lining up and just going like, yo, man, it's fucking... His audience is all Hispanic people. I'm telling you, the only white people... What? What? All Hispanic people.
41:21 What kind of bullshit is this? What? I bomb. I start calling ICE on them. Yeah, yeah. No, but it's just like big ass. I don't even know what I'm supposed to. You suck at that.
41:31 I'm trying to hold it in. Joey and John have been handling it for weeks. Dude, okay. Well, look, I'm trying my best. You're all loopy on opioids. Dude, my hand. I am doing this one hand. This hurts.
41:40 You lost a lot of blood today. I did lose a lot of blood today. That really sucks. It's so swollen. And that's your fucking, that's your Mike Holden hand. Yeah. That's your jacket, jack off hand. Actually hurts. You lost a lot of blood today. I did lose a lot of blood today. That really sucks. It's so swollen. And that's your fucking, that's your Mike Holden hand. Yeah. That's your jacket,
41:47 jack off hand. Actually, you jerk off my left. You jerk off left? Yeah, I don't know why. To even out curvature? I got really in my head
41:53 when I was a kid about your right arm getting jacked. You know what I'm saying? I could curve right? No. What? It's just a straight dick.
42:00 But when I was like 14, that whole joke going around like, oh, you can tell you jerk off a lot because your arm is stronger that does happen yes this thing they go they go like dude show me your hand and then they go you jack yeah yeah kids still that whole thing yeah exactly but i was so i started years old and kids still do it well i'm constantly talking to kids about jerking off so that's my fault you know there's a middle school down the street i go there all
42:21 the time i go let me see your hand he jerksks off a lot. Show me how you do it. They never pick me in baseball either. But yeah, I think when I was a kid, I heard that, and I was like, I'll start doing my left. And now I just stuck. Now I'm just a lefty. I don't know why. I jerk off dry.
42:36 Yeah, me too sometimes. Oh, really? I always jerk off dry. Jerking off with lube's too easy, and we shouldn't have that option. It honestly kind of hurts a little bit. It's too easy. Yeah. Hurts with lube? Yeah, it's lame. We shouldn't have that option. It honestly kind of hurts a little bit. It's too easy. Yeah. Hurts with lube? Yeah, it's weird.
42:48 Sometimes whatever lube you use gets in your little pee hole. I don't know about that. It kind of burns. You got a wide urethra? Well, that's if you go with shampoo or something crazy. And you have the snake skin. Yeah. I jerk off with battery acid.
43:02 My dick is just It's rotting It's like a root My dick looks like A fucking Pan's Labyrinth Looks like a ginger root Character I do the Big Daddy thing Where I hawk a loogie
43:14 And I spit it down to my penis And then I jerk off That wasn't Big Daddy No he does the loogie thing In Big Daddy He touches the ground Oh that one touched the ground Yeah
43:23 You never seen Big Daddy though He does it to the tip of his bone. I don't remember a point in Big Daddy where he jerked off by spitting on his own mouth. No, it wasn't a jerk off. It was more of a spitting joke from Big Daddy. You dumb motherfucker. Spell it out for you, John. Jesus Christ.
43:37 Sorry, guys. Spots knew that. Yeah. Did you know Spots? Spots, you ever seen Big Daddy? You got the reference. Of course. Yes, thank you.
43:42 Thank you, Spots. Excellent work. Yeah, his whole audience just like big ass cholos who are like very emotionally touched by the show he created
43:50 so it's just like literally 300 people lining up to take a photo with him they're like hey fool that show really means something it was so heartwarming
43:57 it was beautiful I did have one audience interaction though where a mother and her son came up to me and the son was visibly autistic like he was stemming a little bit but he came up to me and the son was visibly autistic like he was
44:06 stemming a little bit but he could speak cool and he loved the show he's counting cards and they came up to me and the mother goes can we take a photo and i was like of course i'd love to we take the photo and she goes my son thought you stole the show he's on the spectrum she qualified i was like i didn't need that qualifier at all. You did not need to say that to me. It was just so weird to me because I was just like, you're being such a bitch
44:30 because it's like, you said it loud. He heard you. Yeah. You know what I mean? The kids can't react, but they know. They can hear you.
44:36 Also, he told me how much he liked the show. Like, he could talk. You know what I mean? Like, he wasn't like, he was a retard.
44:42 He was stabbing a little bit, but he was fully like, I like this joke a lot, that joke a lot. He goes, you were my favorite. You're white. He wasn't a retard. He was stabbing a little bit, but he was fully like, I like this joke a lot, that joke a lot. He goes, you were my favorite. You're white. He's like a racist. He's a racist autistic guy. He's like a self-hating Mexican.
44:53 Yeah, yeah. But yeah, he's on the spectrum. And also, it's just so funny because that is appropriate language. That's progressive language. But essentially, she was just like, my son thought you were great. He's retarded. Yeah, right. Also, she didn't like me apparently that was the weird thing was she mexican no she was but it's like it was weird to like differentiate between her and her son she was trying to like she probably wanted to fuck you yeah exactly she was like i don't like you as
45:19 much as my son has worked that way man latinas love to like to be like i don't they make everything a competition. They go like, you were like, okay. Maybe. I don't know. I just don't think she liked it as much as her son did. Latinas love that shit. That is funny to be like, hey, my kid loved you, but yeah.
45:34 She's like, me personally, as a person who doesn't eat crayons, I thought it was okay. Latinas love to be like, make everything a competition. Yeah. Like, if you're in like a whatever Trying to fuck them situation We've done this No you can't Yes I can
45:51 We've done this on the main And then before you know it You're raping them And they go no you can't You're like yes I can Oh by the way Is that how it happens While on topic yeah
45:59 Is there not that other case Yeah okay so About 1400 have been intimidated into silence. Wait, wait, wait. Last I heard it was 1,200 people. It went up. 1,200 of the women have been intimidated into silence by my goons. Spots?
46:17 But now their family members are really upset, and now I'm dealing with the backlash of that. And so there's a lot of cousins. There's a lot of brothers. There's a lot of angry men out there that are hunting me. Oh no. And apparently my lawyer called me earlier today and he said there's also more
46:38 women out there. Because I forgot I had that stint. I had that stint in Europe. Rough estimate how many you think. Is Interpol getting involved? How is Europe trying to prosecute? He's like Jason Bourne of rape. The laws are a little different there.
46:54 So my cases haven't started yet from Europe. But they're not going to extradite to Europe. I think I'm okay. But they could send me. What countries? Like Belarus and France, of course. I thought that was legal in France.
47:13 I didn't know it was an issue. My lawyer said that's a good point in court to come up with. Then, honestly, most of them were in New York. Okay. While you were visiting me?
47:30 Yeah. Damn. And I don't even remember you ever knowing I was... Yeah, when did you even get the time to do that? Probably when you were asleep. I think... That's by my lawyer. No, no, no, but I tucked him in a bed every single night. I kissed him on the forehead. That is true. He did.
47:43 But I have a weird... listen, I sleepwalk. He would fake snore, and then he just like, as soon as you close the door. He put pillows under the comforter with a wig. It's much like Mike Birbiglia's movie, Sleepwalk, with me, except if he was raping people. Instead of walking into class. And you're on tour as well. And yeah, yeah.
48:05 Well, yeah, also I asked, I was like, can't the fee, the lawyer fees be a tax write-off? Because I did do a podcast while I was out there raping. I was out there, I raped a lot of people
48:15 and then like the lawyer... Wait, wait, wait. Don't admit to anything, brother. Oh, no. Well, it's allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. A sexually assaulted...
48:21 He was asleep. He doesn't even know. But I did do Stuff Island. And so I'm like, well, can I write off the lawyer fees? Yeah. Because it was technically, I was out there for work. You could also blame Chris and Tommy. Yeah.
48:32 Yeah. I should. So it was those two podcasters actually that did it. I could throw it on them. Because the numbers you put up is normally, it would take two people to do that. Yeah. I mean, I don't even know what I was up to. Yeah.
48:43 It's like a Son of Sam situation. If there's like seven rapists out there in New York, but it's really just one. Middle of the night. Yeah, I mean, I don't even know what I was up to. Yeah. It's like a Son of Sam situation. There's like seven rapists out there in New York, but it's really just one. Middle of the night. Yeah. You're delirious. Yeah. Who can hear, who hears no? Yeah. There's a definite cost over 100 yards. You know what I mean? People can't even wake up. You can snap at them when
49:00 they're sleepwalking. I mean, you know what I mean? Yeah. And so, I don't know. I don't know, man. This could be, you know, I mean? Yeah. And so, I don't know. I don't know, man. This could be, you know, this could be the end of an era here on this podcast.
49:10 I mean, I don't know spots. What do you think? I mean, like, should I like just turn myself in and like, and like, just what, what do you think about me and my rapes?
49:17 Believe all women. Wow. Cock. Okay. Well, you know, enjoy your last day. Jesus Christ. I do believe all women
49:28 Can you give me the white cloth spots Oh yeah yeah let's get back to this I would love that Nice tap you saw that I'll give it taps Does the tap work Does it actually help with the fizz I think it's just a
49:43 Professional I'm not Thank you sir Thank you spots Does the tap work? Does it actually help with the fizz? I think it's just a... He's a professional. Thank you, sir. Thank you, Spots. Thank you, buddy. We do have a corner, by the way. Oh, shit. Oh, fuck. Yeah, we got a corner. We're still in time.
49:59 Let's go. I will say, I was going to do a song. I wrote lyrics. I was going to write lyrics. I forgot to do it. You're going to have to do a song. I wrote lyrics. I was going to write lyrics. I forgot to do it. You're going to have to do a song. I don't got anything. Christmas song, maybe? Jingle Bell? You guys always do this to me, and then it's going to suck.
50:14 It's going to be great. You're wonderful. I'm already accused of rape. It's fine. You're wonderful, Debbie. And this will get you into their good graces. You have nothing to lose. He's a songwriter of a generation. He can't be raving. Is that a fly song? Yeah. Do Jingle Bell Rock,
50:30 buddy. You got it. Jingle Bell Cock. There we go. You're already thinking something. I'm a genius. God damn it, Derek. He does it again. How did I possibly come up with anything? I'm so good.
50:45 Jingle Bell Cock. What about a little come up with anything? I'm so good. A jingle bell cock. What about a little jingle bell cock? What is the corner again? So we used to call it Bushido Boulevard, but now I've changed the name. I can't remember why. I think because we had it soared. So we called it Bushido Boulevard for it to be a Japanese name. But just advice corner. Yeah.
51:07 It's like a love line almost. Sure, yeah. You guys got to come up with some sort of song. It's Jingle Bell Rock. We're going to do Jingle Bell Rock, and you're going to use cock, and it's going to be good. What does that have to do with advice, John? It's Christmas. It's the holiday season, faggot.
51:20 John is so clueless about the show. It's the holiday season. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer. Do something fun. Alright, have you guys ever heard of Teenage Tourette's Camp? Somebody sent me this. Some lovely listener. What's it on TV? I don't know. It's on YouTube. It sounds
51:39 kind of familiar. I know there's a lot of Tourette's stuff that... It's a documentary covering a bunch of teenagers with Tourette's, which, by the way, they're fucking lying. They just want to fucking curse. Oh, yeah. It's sometimes when she's feeling extremely horrible. How come all these are British?
51:56 When she gets into that zone of arguing, it's just one way until she wins, really. Is that Joey? That's it. Oh, wait, what did you say? It's all arguing one way until she wins. is that joey arguing one way until she wins another person's point of view when she's in full flow or when she's made a decision about something and it is difficult to explain to her what's up queen decision um because fundamentally i think why not? You really like this? I mean, what are you talking about? What the fuck are you talking about?
52:27 John, you are gay. No, dude. You're gay. You're gay, dude. No. She's not attractive. Look at her teeth. She looks like she uses coffee as mouthwash.
52:37 No, he's not gay. You guys saw the latest Reddit post. He's not gay. I'm not gay. He's a narcissist. I'm a narcissist. Oh, are they? Yeah.
52:45 Another very mean John thread today on the Reddit. I didn't know that. Evan Mumia just keeps... There'll be like seven mean John threads every morning, and then Mumia will go in and just fucking delete them all. I'm not touching the Reddit. Yeah. Well, Mumia's a great man. Mumia's a fucking champion. He's been doing wonderful work for us.
53:01 He was like... Him and J.P. Ryder Morgan were like a couple of the first guys on Patreon. And like guys that were kind of maybe nuts. Pretty sure Mumia started the Reddit. He did. Yeah, he did. Yeah. It blows my mind though.
53:15 Every time there's like a mean John thread, the first comment's like, all right, we found Connor's burner account. And I go, oh, fuck, they're on to me. By the way, Mumia, leave those threads up. Yeah I go, oh, fuck, they're on to me. By the way, Mamiya, leave those threads up. Yeah, leave them up, Mamiya. About me too. If there's mean ones about me, leave them up. I don't want to censor. They're a non-buddy. I'm the
53:35 main focus of the hatred. It's usually like, it'll be John is gay, and then it continues as John is gay, and then it just keeps going like that for about... Well, you've done a good job today by being normal again. Yeah, not gay. You keep kind of leaning into being super gay. Well, the problem was me and Joey just happened to go to a gay bar.
53:54 You took us there. Well, we happened to go because under my direction. Your car just drove you there? Under my direction. It's fun. I just happened to say, hey, Siri, nearest gay bar. It just happened to happen under my direction it's fun i just happen to say hey siri nearest gay bar it just happened to happen why is it fun you're also always saying hey you need to be milked and you like i definitely need to be milked like every fucking three minutes but the problem is you know
54:14 yeah yeah did you get a little horny when that guy was sucking your tits no do you believe him i do i do i do believe him you were too drunk him. You were too drunk to even... I was too drunk. I was being goofball. Yeah. No, no, no. There's nerves. There's nerve endings in those tits.
54:30 Yeah, yeah. There are. He got going. I didn't know he would... His nipples had been clamped so hard. His nipples are dead in his nipples. He chubbed up. I'm going to be honest with you.
54:38 As the great Jack Knight would say, his dick did a pump fix. I'm going to be honest with you. I didn't know he'd use tongue. And I just... So that got you excited? I didn't know he'd use tongue. So that got you excited? I didn't know. I was like, listen.
54:50 Your eyes are rolling back in ecstasy right now. You're dreaming. You're having a sense memory. You're gooting to this. The problem is it was the only way out is through. I didn't think he'd do it. Then I think the homeless guy would offer to suck my tits. I had to stop it right there.'d do it. Then I think the homeless guy would offer to suck my tits.
55:05 I had to stop it right there. That was crazy. You asked. You said, I'll give you money to suck my tits. Yeah, because that's nuts. He didn't offer. Because that's nuts. Like, I didn't think a homeless guy would take five bucks to suck my tits.
55:14 That's crazy. You're also very mean to that homeless man. Yeah, you are. Well, I told him to fuck off. Now, you're an asshole. Well, he was interrupting the tit suck. You were a total psychopath to that homeless guy on the street. Listen, dude, I'm a wildcat.
55:25 We're in downtown Los Angeles. Like this, like it's crazy to flip out on a homeless guy like that. It's not that crazy to flip out on a homeless guy in downtown Los Angeles.
55:34 You're getting your tits sucked. It's not like you were having a picnic and like being with your family. It was a random encounter. Things happen. You've asked the guy to suck your tits
55:42 and then you pay the homeless guy to suck your tits. You make me sick, John. Go back to this beautiful British mommy. I want her to debase me. You're an AIDS riddled queer, John. Don't say AIDS. Why?
55:55 I'm a riddled queer. Go back to this fucking shit. What would you be riddled with? Riddles? No one's riddled with anything but a horrible thing. Wisdom Viruses, monkeypox You have zero wisdom You have zero wisdom to offer
56:10 Your wisdom is like Dude on Tuesdays you can park for free You know I do learn a lot The gay bar validates every Wednesday night I do learn a lot from you But it every Wednesday night I do learn a lot from you but it's more in like a cautionary tale way where I go
56:30 I should never live like that that's what I'm here for alright she's actually quite a kind person John thinks this is the hottest woman alive if you don't know her or you just see her behaving badly look at those teeth. that's off mask.
56:45 Look at those cannibal teeth. I think that's a sad thing. This is pathetic. But it can't be helped. I mean, it's part and parcel of the way she is. I don't want to go. She just calls her friends the N-word. They're all white.
57:01 This is how she is. Just a Toretsi. Yeah, fucking N-word. N-word. N-word. N-word. Toretsi's, I mean, obviously. This is how she is. Just a Tourette's. Tourette's is a played out joke, but it's the funniest disease to have. It's amazing. Is it a disease? How do you get it? It's a neurological disorder.
57:16 I feel like Tourette's comes from somebody got a bad fortune cookie once. And they were just cursed. Like a gypsy curse. Like a monkey paw. Like a movie scene. Like a movie scene. Like thinner. Yeah.
57:28 You will say the N-word. You keep calling Stephanie a faggot. It's been two years. You keep calling your best friend a faggot. What about me now? Me, my turn. That's so stupid. I really don't want to talk about it. Let's go. Let's start talking. Let's start acting out. Let. Me. My turn. That's so stupid. I really don't want to die.
57:45 Let's go. Let's start fucking. Let's start acting out. Let's start. I need. Come on. I want these women. I want whatever neurological thing happens.
57:53 I want those jolts to start happening where they just go. Let's get some outbursts. Motherfucker. Queer. Cocksucker. Fuck. Whatever they do. I don't think the British should do that.
58:03 That's what they do. Yeah. Huh? The British aren't going to have the same outbursts. Also, look at these British women's awful asses. They all are built like Spongebob. These are kids. Look at their awful other kids. That's how unattractive you are to kids, though.
58:20 I hate kids. Their asses stick john can't decide who to jerk off to the kids or the guy from wonderwall what's his name? Liam Gallagher? British fucking barbecues look like they suck ass. Oh, they have to. The Teenage Tourette Camp aims to help the young people grow in confidence and so cope better with the outside world. Dude, I would love to go to Teenage Tourette Camp.
59:01 The trip to Chicago will be the first time they will have left this protected environment since they arrived. Only time will tell if four days in Tourette camp has made a difference. Are they fucking using badly drawn boys? So it's like about a boy? This is the soundtrack to about a boy, but about a bunch of little freaks
59:23 that can't stop fucking calling their teacher like the N-word. This is Badly Drowned Boy. They're in Chicago? That's Chicago. Why did they ship them to Chicago? It'd be funny if they dropped them off at Cabrini Green. Yeah, they want these kids to get shot.
59:41 So they're literally playing the song Something to Talk About by Valley Drum Boy. It is crazy to take them to Chicago, though. That's the worst city to say the N-word. Well, you can't stop saying the N-word? Let's drop you off at the murder capital of the United States, actually. Send him to the South Side.
59:59 Chief Keef, Little Jojo, what do you have to say about them? You're going to ride the red line for 14 years. And this is Oblock. Anything coming to mind? Oh, no. The Tourette's patients Keith, little JoJo, what do you have to say about them? You're going to ride the red line for 14 years. And this is Oblock. Anything coming to mind? Oh, no.
01:00:08 The Tourette's patients had their shoes stolen on the train again. Dishonored. It's normal for Tourette's. British kids are so weird. They love wearing flood pants. What is this bitch's Tourette's? What does she think? Most Tourette's is physical.
01:00:23 She thinks naughty words are food? I think it's a much more common thing for Tourette's to be physical Tourette's. What does she think? Most Tourette's is physical. She thinks naughty words are food? I think it's a much more common thing for Tourette's to be physical Tourette's. Like her Tourette's is she can't stop eating food? I think verbal Tourette's are much more rare. They just go like, they keep thinking the N word with their hand. They go, I'm the man. They're acting like the mask.
01:00:40 So it's physical Tourette's. Physical Tourette's means just like You can't control your... Physical Tourette's. Physical Tourette's means just like... You can't control your... Physical Tourette's is where you just go like... Yeah. Saying... I hope somebody starts Tourette's-ing about her big gunt. You've reached a new high, Devin.
01:01:00 Physical... Physical Tourette's. It goes... It goes... Physical. Physical. Physical. Physical. Sleddy-eyed. Sleddy-eyed. Thank you. Woo! We do good work here, guys. We do great work here.
01:01:20 Wow, Spots. Thank you. Thank you, sir. Look at how beautiful. No, no, no. It's really good to save the slurs for the really good bits. Spots, what you. Thank you, sir. Look at how beautiful. No, no, it's really good to save the slurs for the really good bits. Spots, what do you think it's worth? When the bit's really good, it's worth it. By the way, let's do the corner.
01:01:34 Let's do the corner. This is a really good corner. Wait, is something going to happen in this video, though? I don't know. I never watched it. It's all good. We'll finish it on the Patreon. Joey's also, obviously.
01:01:42 I mean, I don't have a song. It's a long-ass corner. You're setting me up for failure here. don't have a song. It's a long-ass corner. You're, like, setting me up for failure here. I think we... You never have a song. You always just... I know, but I haven't done it. I was in the mood.
01:01:51 I was in, like, a rhythm. I was in the rhythm for a while. I don't know. I mean, what's... Do a Jingle Bell Rock. John doesn't understand songs. It's fucking December, faggots. What are we doing?
01:02:03 How about just play a little... You didn't have to sing. Just play a little instrumental. Because we need some music. White Christmas or something? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We got some gnarly fucking questions, by the way. Our listeners are troubled people.
01:02:21 They're sick. Yeah. We got... That's horrible. That sucks. God, that blows. Whoa! Wow.
01:02:32 This is gonna be crazy. What'd you tell me to say, John, that was really bad? You said some horrible word. I said... You did. But I mean, I don't even know...
01:02:43 We can't say that. They're statistically better off than white people in the United States. Actually, that won't get us banned. Winx got us banned. What? Winx? Winx. I don't think that was the thing.
01:02:52 What the fuck is Winx? I think it was other things we said. I don't know. This is like fucking... I'll chop it. I mean, that is what Shane Gillis got us. He'll chop it. Bleep it.
01:03:02 Bleep it. Oh, you won't make Saturday Night Live. Great. Well, but you're't make Saturday Night Live. Great. Well, you're just going to fucking banish again. Lemon Party Disco. Bing Crosby. I mean, where does the song start? Let's go.
01:03:13 It'll start eventually, buddy. No. Okay, so do a song about our fans. I'm dreaming of a white nation just like the one
01:03:36 I used to know. Now everybody gets handouts They steal from Walmart And I stand outside trying to tackle them And I don't even work for the company, baby Oh, I open carry
01:04:04 I open carry. I open carry. I'm dreaming of a white Christmas. With every Christmas card I write it says this guy invaded my home and hopefully the
01:04:38 authorities run through the hood and stop and frisk everybody. Very good. Very good. Very good, Devin. You got it, bud. You did it, pal.
01:04:55 I'm dreaming of a Bloomberg Christmas. I'm dreaming of a Draymond Green style Christmas where the cops put everyone in chokeholds. I don't care if you're selling loosies. That's not okay with me. It's illegal under New York state law. Very good. Why?
01:05:26 You started the bad guy Get to the questions Get to the questions You started the song back It was You were done No you guys were Finishing it for me
01:05:33 No no you You paused And then restarted You guys started that Very very good First question By the way I would like to
01:05:42 Apologize to Spots He's not associated With any of this stuff Yeah He doesn't He's not associated with any of this stuff. Yeah. He doesn't agree or sign off on any of this stuff. He's been hired to be here, and he has no association. No. He disagrees.
01:05:54 Oh, I forgot about... Hey, what's up, Spots? Anyways, first question. Very, very good. Spots, do you think I should bleep out those Asian slurs? Probably not. Whoa, Spots. You should bleep out those Asian slurs? Probably not. Whoa, podcast, brother. You're a listener of this podcast, right? What do you think when you hear these crazy things? It's all, like, jokes,
01:06:12 right? You know. It's comedy. Yeah, but YouTube isn't basing their, like, censorship on what's funny. The Winx episode we... Is there an algorithm? John, stop making me bleep it if I have to. That has to be bleeped. Stop saying it, though.
01:06:27 I agree. So they have a voice-to-text thing that, yes, they have. Do you think I know slope? What if we were talking about a funny green slope? You're making Devin do a lot of shit. Shut up. No, because I skied down the slope. Skied down the slope.
01:06:40 You have to edit this. Keep going. I skied down slopes. That's fine. That's okay. What do you think, Spots going I ski down slopes That's fine That's okay What do you think spots? Ski down slopes It's okay
01:06:50 That would be fine Yeah Fuck yeah dude He's the best butler He's the best This side of the Mississippi I'll tell you that This side of the Mason Dixon buddy
01:06:58 Alright first question in the advice corner I'm in a predicament. My classmate who is severely chopped wants me to have premarital sex with her, but she looks like Leonardo from the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles if he had huge tits. What would the likes of you men recommend? Chopped.
01:07:22 I think that's like a British slang for huge tits. Oh, we got bricks? Stacked. Yeah,rab. Chopped, yeah. I think that's like a British slang for huge tits. Oh, we got bricks? Stacked. Yeah, fucker. Fucker. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. Yeah, fucker, don't tell anybody
01:07:29 if you don't want to tell anybody. Have fun, buddy. Next question. Sorry. Next question. I am a successful good-looking guy
01:07:39 looking to become an overweight, baldy, hairy, mega, cock-sucking gay guy that lives in a warehouse. Ask away, bud. Where should I start? And what is the frame of mind that I need to be in Reynolds?
01:07:58 You just got to do it, man. Just do it. Just do it, bud. Nike. Okay. Whatever the fuck. Just do it. Nike. Next question. Question for the boys.
01:08:08 I'm currently around 30 years old and I have a podcast and a job working at some shitty bar somewhere in Los Angeles. My dad used to create TV shows for HBO. I don't have any of his creativity. I guess
01:08:23 my question is should I come out of the closet to my friends or keep being secretly so gay? Okay. Thanks for answering the questions. Let's address the- Now back to the office, Raffy. Yeah, so who are the people on Patreon thinking my dad is some fucking landlord somewhere? You mentioned that he lived in an apartment in NoHo. He owns the building.
01:08:47 No. Somebody somewhere pretended. My dad's broke, retards. I don't have any money. Why would I be living this way if I had money? John's dad is comfortable, but I know for a fact. My dad's fine. John gets no help.
01:08:58 I get zero help. I've had help in like 10 years. I'm constantly broke. It's not happening. It's fine. Our goof is that he LARPs as a working class guy, but I'm constantly broke. It's not happening. It's fine. Our goof is that he LARPs as like a working class guy
01:09:08 but he's actually broke. I'm broke as shit. John's dad gives all his money to the Republican. Yeah, my dad gives all his money to the Florida GOP
01:09:16 and that's how I want it to be and that's okay. Next question. Stop attacking John. Where do you find bitches that aren't crazy? Was engaged, didn't work out,
01:09:27 and been on a handful of dates since the breakup. Don't ask me, buddy. Yeah. First one that's not for John. Yeah. I guess just meet them in high school. Wait, there's more to it. Yeah, I guess find the love of your life when you're 17.
01:09:42 I don't really know. Sorry. Oh, sorry, Spots. And he goes, and are people just crazy or is it truly a minefield out there? It's either hyper clingy bitches or cum dumpsters collecting dicks like Pokemon cards. Apps are too weird for me nowadays. Anyways, thanks for the pod, fellas. Good job getting off the apps, buddy.
01:10:00 That's the number one key. I think apps are fine. Apps are dumb as fuck. Why not? Because it's 70% men no it's not easy but if you'll get
01:10:08 I've got that trans dude I met on apps I fucked not the best commercial yeah exactly you fucked a trans man yeah I did
01:10:16 were you not here when I talked about this yeah no you I just block you out most of the time yeah but you have real advice you're my main enemy here
01:10:23 what is the question again he was saying he just got divorced or something. How does he meet girls that aren't crazy? He's got to be in his 30s, right? Yeah. He got divorced? He just got divorced. He better be.
01:10:33 If he's white. No, he just broke up with a girl. Go join a fucking pickleball group or some shit, you retard. Terrible advice, John. You really stink. Don't join a group. Shut up and let Devin answer. Fucking Connor's hand is killing me right now. Yeah, it's fucked up. He's got a dead hand. He't join a group. Shut up and let Devin answer. Fucking Connor's hand is killing me right now.
01:10:45 Yeah, it's fucked up. He's got a dead hand. He looks like a Leo when they hit his cast on the pool table. He goes, are you working with the feds? You're going to stop doing drug deals with that idiot fucking cousin of yours.
01:11:03 My advice, don't go on the internet. Go out and go to a bar and get a few in you if you need that to have the confidence to just try. I mean, but maybe you suck ass. I don't fucking know. Or go on the apps. Just how to
01:11:18 meet women. That aren't crazy. None of us have a practical answer for this. None of us have a practical way how we've met. Yeah, no. I would say, here's what I would say. I'll give you general advice. Yeah, I met mine because I'm a comic on Twitter.
01:11:33 Yeah. It's not. And I grew up with mine. I can't tell anybody advice. I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. My girlfriend, because she was sister, is sister, is with John's ex-girlfriend.
01:11:44 Here's my advice. Tell them you're on the Hate Watch podcast. I hooked Joey up with his current girlfriend. Yeah, the advice is to start a podcast, and then, you know, hope for the best. Let the DMs flow in, man. That actually kind of hints at what my real answer is going to be, which is, like, go with your strengths, right? So if you're a funny person, go on a podcast and be likable and funny and people will like you.
01:12:08 Be probably not that funny. And I'm sorry, but maybe you are. I don't know. But maybe you're really good at, you know, some hobby. Go to a club where they play that hobby or learn a hobby. Be a baller. Learn a hobby. Do something that you get good at.
01:12:24 Be a gentleman. Be like Spots. Be a gentleman. Be a baller. Learn a hobby. Do something that you get good at. That's attractive. Be a gentleman. Be like Spots. Be a gentleman. Be a cock, be Spots. Spots is the best butler in Los Angeles County. He's probably swimming in pussy. Show up.
01:12:34 I do all right. Fuck yeah, Spots. Show up to the bar. I would fuck Spots. And after this, he's going to get sucked off like crazy. Oh, yeah. Damn, you're going to be nuts. It's going to be crazy. Yeah.
01:12:43 But so anyways, yeah, just kind of focus on your strengths. Try to be better. If you're not shredded, go get shredded ASAP because there's no excuse. If you're like, why can't I get laid and you're not shredded, no fucking excuse. Yeah, dude. You're out of your fucking mind. Yeah. I mean, we're all shredded here and that's why we get laid.
01:12:59 But I'm not going like, why am I not getting laid? I'm not confused. If you're asking why you're not getting laid, Just become an interesting human being and you get laid. There you go. Next question. I dropped out of college five years ago and I moved to rural Maine. I built an off-grid house and I work as a carpenter. I thought it was the perfect plan that would finally make me happy.
01:13:19 Unfortunately, though, I'm still depressed and even more retarded than I was before. Hell yeah, dude. There's no geographical solution to a biological problem. Is it worth it to reenter society, go back to school, and just get a normal job? Or should I continue to work manual labor jobs and irreparably break my body? By the time I'm 35 from Micah. So there's a process. Let Connor answer one. I didn't know he had to answer.
01:13:49 The guy whose life's doing the worst loves to... There's a process called disintegration. There's a process called disintegration. So every man, it's kind of like the hero's journey, right? So you go out... I hate this guy. Shut the fuck up. He's fucking rambling on. Ignore all this. You disintegrate from society, right? As a man, you leave. You go on your hero's
01:14:06 journey. You go and you figure yourself out. Now, there's a thing called, you can disintegrate your entire life. You can be a fucking retard and live in the woods and go Kaczynski style. But the most important part is positive reintegration into society, right? So if you positively reintegrate,
01:14:22 right, like this guy is, so he's thinking about going back to school. If he positively reintegrates, right, like this guy is, so he's thinking about going back to school. If he positively reintegrates, he'll probably meet some cute chicks in class and all that shit, and they're going to be like, well, you live off-grid in Maine? That's fucking hot. Yeah, that's true. I think that's cool. If you positively reintegrate, then you'll fucking, you'll do good, but you've got to make sure you're done with that
01:14:38 disintegration process, because when you are done with that, and you can positively reintegrate, then you'll become a completely different person. Very, very good. Kevin. I would... I'm going to take a piss. Well, first off, that question is a little difficult because he didn't say whether or not he...
01:14:53 Does he genuinely enjoy the manual labor that he does? No, he's more depressed than ever right now. Well, yeah, but that could be because he lives in fucking rural Maine. I mean, what do they even have there? Well, he was super depressed, and then I don't know where he started, but he was depressed and then he went there thinking, this is gonna fix me, and then I think what happened
01:15:16 was like, oh, if this isn't gonna fix me, my dream that I thought would fix me, nothing will. Now I'm even more depressed. I have no advice, but I do always, this is such a good moment for me because I always hate when people have this idea where like, I just want to get out of here,
01:15:32 live in the middle of nowhere, then I'll be happy. I'm like, no, the fuck you won't, dude. You can't get Thai food? Yeah, exactly. Fuck off. Exactly. This whole, I understand that the news has been really crazy the last like five,
01:15:45 six years and it's like, it's made it kind of this cool thing for people to be like, I gotta like, I gotta get a compound. Like, you know,
01:15:52 I gotta go where the water is. Like, that's, you're just hyping yourself up. It's like cute. You want to live in a city. Okay, buddy. So I would,
01:16:00 if I were, if I was, just right outside of one. Right outside. If I was this guy, Biologically, I think being around people is good for your mental health. Even if it hurts you and it's uncomfortable first, go be around people.
01:16:11 Force yourself to do it. I do personally. That's why in prison, isolation is one of the worst tortures there is because being away from people is extremely necessary for your, for your mental health. I'm going to do it. If I was this guy, I would fucking... Dude, just move to New York. Yeah, I was just going to say that.
01:16:28 Move to New York. I was like, do a polar opposite, switch up, move right to Manhattan. Move right to Manhattan, Brooklyn, whatever, wherever you can afford. No, move to the shit. Move to Midtown Manhattan. Move to the opposite of where you are. Move to Port Authority area, Manhattan. And do what you still do.
01:16:42 He's a carpenter. He obviously has skills. He's a carpenter, skills. Become a carpenter in New York City, and then when you get off work, it's not you and a woodpecker hanging out. I would focus on being really good at carpentry. Go to New York, focus really
01:16:56 good on becoming the best carpenter you can be. People are going to be attracted to you because you're like, holy fuck, this guy's good. Maybe it takes ten fucking years, by the way. If you do manual labor for a hot lady, they're squirting. You're good. He could even go on one of those websites where
01:17:11 they show up and they fix your shit for you. TaskRabbit. He shows up to some hot lady and he fixes her fucking dresser in a hot way. She gets stuck in the dresser. Now he fucks her. A little stuck porn. A little stuck porn situation there, buddy.
01:17:28 Just go where the people are, okay? This whole idea that you're going to have a great time living in the woods, it's for the birds. Moving right along, we had a lot of these. I might have to start skipping some. I dropped out of college five years ago and I moved. You just read that one.
01:17:44 Mother of God, my brain is rotting away rapidly. Hey, Joey. So here's where I'm at in life. Just moved back from Barcelona to Stockholm since I was working there. And then my ex broke up with me since I was watching Hate Watch. I was found by a bunch of Greek fishermen in the ocean. And she complained that it was racist. John broke up
01:18:07 your funny punchline because he can't shut up for five seconds. Literally, it's like the worst timing of all time. You're literally, like,
01:18:15 you have the worst timing of any one of those. You're the brain of a goldfish. Sorry, I'm sorry. Last part of the question, planning to study law beginning in January. Any advice on how to make
01:18:23 new friends at college and not turn into a gay, fat retard like John? Much love, Joey. Keep up the good work from Bobbik. First of all, imagine finding out that your lawyer listened to this podcast. You're losing that case immediately. It's fucking game over, dude.
01:18:38 Well, unfortunately, there's a lot of people in high positions that actually secretly listen to that show. That's crazy. One time I made a goof where I was like, hey, if you're a doctor, and then I stopped myself, and I'm like, wait, no, there are no doctors. Of course not. And then doctors hit me. It's like, I am a doctor.
01:18:52 It's mostly doctors. If you're European, you're already gay. Let's put that out there right now. So this is the bottom line there. So accept that you're gay. You just gotta accept your opinion. Wait, wait, wait. So what was the question again? It was kind of the same question that we just answered. How do I meet people? How do I go out? Yeah, find a hobby, get good at something, just wait. So what was the question again? It was kind of the same question that we just answered. Where it's like, how do I meet people?
01:19:05 How do I go out? Yeah, find a hobby, get good at something, just focus. He's a lawyer, right? He's about to go to law school. Put that you're a lawyer on your fucking dating profile
01:19:14 on your dating app. You'll get a million fucking bitches. Next question. He has more friends more than a girlfriend. Fuck that shit. Meet dudes through your chick. Honestly, it's the same shit
01:19:23 where it's like, if you become an interesting person, friends will like you, angels will like you. Next question. I'm a published author, but the book market is a tough place to make a living. I'm having trouble with getting my name out there, and I wonder if I should pay for
01:19:37 advertising or acquire a name. This is the guy that wrote Why We Poop. I'm a published author. I'm never going to quit writing, but I'm now relegated to working a bullshit career unrelated to writing, and it makes me feel useless. Am I just being a whiny bitch?
01:19:54 Should I just be happy to have a passion that I get a lot out of, even if it doesn't pay the bills? P.S. John is gay and likes to drink up. Jack Lucci, a writer. Look him up. I jacks in my DMs sometimes. What did he say again? Yes, Jonas Gayen likes to drink up. Yeah. Jack Lucci, a writer. Look him up. Sounds Italian. I Jackson my DMs sometimes.
01:20:07 What did he say again? So he was basically saying, like, I'm not making money writing, but I'm published. Should I quit writing? No. Should I get an agent? No. No. Well, yeah.
01:20:18 Well, yeah, you should try for the agency. Oh, he doesn't have an agent? For the agent. He's a publisher author? Yeah. How the fuck does he have a manager and an agent for a publisher author? Okay. Well, I mean, that doesn't count.
01:20:27 No, but. He didn't clarify. He didn't say. Jack, let's be honest here. Get a fucking manager and an agent, and if you can't get that, then you're probably not fucking worth your salt. Sorry, buddy.
01:20:37 Oh, Jesus Christ. Sorry, buddy. That's not true these days. Sorry, buddy. That's not true these days. That is LA advice, though, where it's just like, hey, fucking grow up, kid.
01:20:44 Maybe you don't have the chops. Yeah, fucking. But the other thing these days. That is LA advice, though, where it's just like, hey, fucking grow up, kid. Maybe you don't have the chops. Fucking, but the other thing is, is like, you know, just fucking get a side job, dude. Yeah, true. Fucking keep writing. You're an artist. Let's do it. Also, his kind of last point was like, hey, just having a hobby, a passion that you love, that's already worth it.
01:21:00 Like, that's a great gift. Absolutely. Be happy with that. All I know is is all my friends who are doing better than I am, they're always jealous that I do stuff I like doing. They're like, it's so cool and I'm like, I have no money. And they're like, yeah
01:21:13 but I have money and I'm sad. And I'm like, yeah. That's why I'm obsessed with Yarmulz and I think he's the coolest guy I've ever met. The dude just loves building shit out of water. He has the air of a Navy SEAL. Yarmulz has an intense fucking masculine air of a Navy SEAL. Like, Arn Jarmul has an intense
01:21:26 fucking masculine air. Every time I think about him, I'm like, God, that is a cool life. He's building shit with his hands and he's making beautiful stuff. If I was,
01:21:34 if I was that guy, if I was Jack, uh, Luji, I would keep writing. I would keep writing and, but,
01:21:40 but, but, but don't, don't, um, don't miss out on life just cause you're right still live also don't fall into the whole like
01:21:52 thank you I love how that was not part of his question what was his question? he never implied that he wasn't living life what's his worry? His worry is like, am I wasting my time?
01:22:08 Is this okay? Become a fucking work at a cafe. I'm just saying, just keep doing your thing. But also don't fall into that whole, I'm a starving artist thing and I have to suffer to be great. How many people did you meet in New York? So many. Where they have eight roommates and they do food delivery.
01:22:26 They think it's the coolest thing on earth. Just get a real fucking job. Get a real job, yes. And I promise being happier and more of sound of mind makes you create better shit anyway. There we go. I was the worst I've ever been at stand-up when I was utterly depressed. Because when I was on stage, all I could think of was like, fuck, I have no money. I'm going to lose everything yes no your happiness is first and everyone's
01:22:48 at their best when they're happy honestly absolutely so maintain your happiness and then go from there and then right and you know see how that is a really good point where it's like if you're not taking care of yourself a little bit yeah you're not even going to be in the position to where you can solve your problems because you're fucking yourself up so much. When the airplane's going down, you put the mask on yourself, then you put the mask on the person.
01:23:11 Very good. The first good analogy I've ever heard from you. But also, the more you're suffering, the more you're going to focus on you being a loser and the thing you're pursuing. If you feel good about yourself, then you'll be like, all right, well, then I'll wait it out.
01:23:25 And then you're going to think, because of all these artists out there, every artist has a quote where it allows people to think that they should marinate in their misery, and that's not cool. We have to keep moving, though. So the next question I just started reading,
01:23:40 I realized it was the same question. There are a lot of these, and a comment that I see over and over is that we are a friendship simulator. It's every podcast. Well, we're a bit special, I'm going to be honest. We're the strongest friend group in Los Angeles.
01:23:56 We're pretty fucking tight. No one's better friends than us. I will say that. That's not that hard to do. I'd say Tommy and Chris are as good as friends as us. That's two guys, though. We're say that. That's not that hard to do. I'd say Tommy and Chris are as good as friends as us. That's all I can say for them. That's two guys, though. We're four guys. Yeah. So we're the strongest
01:24:12 four-man friend group. Big metal on a podcast. Tip of the spear. Shit, add Richie. This goes round and round. The whole fucking crew. We have a lot of friends. We have a big crew. People currently on the pod Yeah we are very good friends
01:24:26 Spots He's now in Spots is one of our bros He hates me Spots I fucking hate you dude Or Connor Connor hates John
01:24:33 I do hate John They're on to me I hate this guy Every week Devin Cosby goes I promise you'll be cool this week man Just come, please. And I go, I can't see that motherfucker.
01:24:47 I'll kill him when I see him. It is palpable, I must say. The hatred is palpable. You kind of know. Kind of with a knife. Yeah. But yeah,
01:24:58 so a lot of these guys don't have friends. Kind of all the questions, a lot of these questions, I'm going to stop reading them to save time. How do I make friends? how do I get out there and it's just like
01:25:07 I don't know just be your fucking self go fucking be cool man that's bad be yourself be vulnerable don't be scared to be vulnerable
01:25:14 you know what I mean yeah no that's great no honestly yeah be transparent with people I'm not the most transparent kind of partner at this point of people yeah
01:25:21 if you're nervous and you're like oh I just said something stupid say that no one gives a shit. That's the other thing. That's endearing. If no one fucking cares about you, just go out there.
01:25:30 Be a vulnerable king. Exactly. Love that. Amen, brother. We started that here. Vulnerable kings. Vulnerable kings. Why do you think I said that?
01:25:37 Because being vulnerable is one of the strongest things you could do. Uh-huh. As long as you're not vulnerable in a way where you're like, I'm shitting myself, and you pull your pants and say, I'm so vulnerable right now. One of the best bits of... I'm shitting myself. I'm bringing my wife's boyfriend a beer. I'm so vulnerable right now.
01:25:59 I'm so vulnerable. My wife's fucking three men right now. One of the funniest things Devin ever told me. Sorry, I fuck off. He just talks right through everything. Spots, can you take his microphone? Unbelievable. Don't you fucking dare.
01:26:15 Give Spots your microphone. I'll fight Spots right now. I'll kick your ass. You know when you were a kid and you tried speaking up around the adults and they had to tell you, they go, adults, we're speaking right now. You speak after we're done. John's the only one that makes us do that.
01:26:30 He never learned that. I never learned. Because his family was never listening to him anyway. It was fine. I'm moving on to the next question. Here's a dark one. Here's a really dark one. Let's get really dark.
01:26:40 What is the quickest way to end your life? Gun. No, not literally killing yourself, but things like trying to grab a cop's gun or getting caught jacking off in front of a middle school for retargeting. So that's a weird question. Social suicide?
01:26:59 Yeah, yeah. Social suicide? Forcing somebody else to kill yourself. Go to the woods. Yeah, just try and grab a cop's gun. Let like a bear kill you? Wait, wait. You can't kill yourself.
01:27:08 Oh, he wants it. No, go rob a bank. That is the best one. Go rob a bank. If you get killed, it's cool. If you win, then you got a bunch of money. That's a good idea. Yeah, that's a good one, actually.
01:27:18 If you're suicidal, go rob a bank. Because there's a small upside to it. Yeah. Here's a nice one for John. How did John lose so much weight? AIDS. Next question. Next.
01:27:29 Moving right along. I have a question for the bear. John. John. Now that you are out of the closet, what type of gay men do you prefer? Also, are you planning on having a gay office party at your new residence?
01:27:43 No. I'd imagine that since there's no bathroom within the office space, the golden showers will be flowing freely. Big fan. Glad to see you boys back to hate watching The Last Couple Apps, Jesse. So, yeah, kind of like you're going to be pissing on each other at your gay piss, Georgie. I can't have a gay piss, Georgie, in my place. It'll stink too much.
01:28:04 But, yeah, you know. Georgie, in my place. It'll stink too much, but yeah, you know. All right, here's one. I mean, I don't know this question. What do you want me to do? We are almost,
01:28:13 we're getting through. Very good. I've known Jiu Jitsu for a few years now and I've noticed some changes in my behavior and the way I talk to other men. On a scale of one
01:28:21 to Obama, how gay am I and how do I remedy this? Do I quit jujitsu or commit to the bit and start blowing the homeless like shot? I was confused by the question. I thought he was more aggressive. Jujitsu is the gayest martial art. It makes you more fucking afraid. Here's a real one.
01:28:39 Sorry. I've never really heard you guys talk about love. I always think if you have a question Never heard us talk about love Love we talk about love But he goes I always think if you have to question Whether you love them Then it's likely that you fully don't
01:28:56 Their girlfriend 100% But is that just some modern day No no no Here's what this guy is confusing. Love is much different than liking. Yeah. It's very hard to like.
01:29:13 Loving is easy. So, I mean, it's the classic Patrice thing. No, no, no. Yeah, yeah, yeah. This guy is saying that he hasn't been able to decipher or discern the difference between like the women he's been with. He might be bothered by them, but he doesn't know what that other weird thing is where he
01:29:31 feels this thing, which is the love. Yes. Love is a thing you can't help. Liking takes work because you're going to get annoyed. You're going to be like, oh my god, none of my guy friends would be this fucking annoyed. I like them.
01:29:48 There's also love and infatuation. Nobody's concerned about your answer, John. I love you boys. I love you. I love you guys too, but you guys are the easiest people to like and love. I love you. It's very different though. I love you, sweet Joey. Because we're men and we kick ass.
01:30:03 We're not really annoying. You're also all hot, so that does a lot for me. Yeah, I mean, also, yeah. Also, yeah, Joey looks like he built a dam earlier today. Devin's ass. Oh, my God. And all I'm saying is if John had a pussy, I'd let him ride me. That's the funniest thing I've ever heard. I'd let him throw it back at me.
01:30:19 I would love for John to get a BBL. Oh, God. Sorry, Spots. On top of me. Spots is like, literally, he's like out of The Shining. It's crazy. He's just staring straight ahead. He's sweating.
01:30:37 We got to wrap this up. We got to wrap this up. That's why I'm trying to go through fast. Let's get it through. This is a long one, so I'm not going to do the voice because I just can't do it that long. This person goes, hey, retards, my older brother and I have seriously grown apart in our 20s, and I don't know if I should try to mend the relationship. Some backstory.
01:30:53 He's gay and we grew up in a very religious household, so we experienced a lot of arguing over his sexuality with my parents. Oftentimes, when him and I try to relate about how crazy our parents are, he would bring up the fact that he experienced it worse because he was gay. And while that may be true in some aspects, the conversation would always end there. One time we talked. I tried to level with him and let him know that I'm bisexual, at which point he outed me to my dad. He's kind of been this bitter mess of a man his entire adult life.
01:31:25 Despite the fact that my parents have grown a ton and his boyfriend has come to every holiday and is basically part of our family, he still continues to have this weird, bitter attitude. Do I try to mend things? Love, hate, watch forever and thanks for the laugh. Hold on. You've got to repeat that.
01:31:43 He's bisexual and his brother's homosexual. His brother's completely out to his parents and his brother actually brings his partner to like fucking family activities. But his parents loathe him,
01:31:53 the man writing the article for being bisexual. Now, I'm going to say... They loathe... They loathe the bisexual. Why? No. No, no.
01:32:00 That's what it was. No, no, no. Joey, just read it one last time and then let me... Let me give some advice. I'll summarize it. You can summarize it.. No, no, no. No, dude. Joey, just read it one last time, and then let me give some advice. I'll summarize it. You can summarize it. And I want John to just be quiet for the rest of time on Earth.
01:32:10 Yeah. I would also. I think all the listeners agree. Jesus, mother of God. So he was saying that he grew up with his little brother, and his little brother was gay. They're always allowed to do whatever they want. Yeah. The youngest, they get it the the youngest they get it the easiest
01:32:26 they get it the easiest they had mean parents that I don't know if you didn't say they would like hit them or anything but he had mean parents and uh every time he tries to bond with his brother or try to get close with him about like hey remember our parents are assholes
01:32:41 the brother goes like yeah but I was gay so it was way, way worse for me. And then the older brother goes, well, you know what? I'm actually bi. Then the younger brother goes, rats him out, outs him to their dad. That he's bi. Yeah. And then just is always, like, he won't bond with his brother.
01:33:02 So he's saying, like, do I give up on him or how do I mend this relationship? You can be estranged from a fucking sibling. Sorry. Well, fucking fucking cut him off. He's being a fucking asshole. I say it's not that simple. I mean, you got to give them you got to give them the benefit of the doubt of being young and dumb and having a lot of different weird feel. You know what I mean?
01:33:25 Like, so I, I, I, if you're the bigger man, if you're confused, you stay confused, but then take some time off, but like, don't cut it off. I say that's your fucking blood. That's your brother. You reassure him that you love him and then let him wait it out. That's a good, that's a good, good advice. You know, I have a fucking estranged sibling. That's a good advice. You know? I have a fucking estranged sibling.
01:33:49 It's been a 10-year fucking battle. Yeah, but punched you at Christmas and has also never given you any reason. If you're not getting any fucking, if you're not getting any fucking, any sort of mutual respect whatsoever, if it's been years and you still haven't gotten that, it's never going to fucking happen.
01:34:02 Listen, if this has been happening, I know. If this is a two, three-year year thing he didn't act like in that message that they've had some long journey together it kind of sounded like dude level with him if you don't level childhood i'm saying adulthood yeah well i don't know what their adulthood's been since he's become an adult and like this embittered adult it's's only been a handful of years, I think. Okay, then try to level them. I will say that one of the points... Well, also, a gay guy's gonna be
01:34:33 like a real asshole. You're not committed to the ass life, you know? The ass? Why? He's like annoyed that his brother's also still like, yeah, I still like A good pussy I will say Move on to the next question
01:34:47 Move to Los Angeles Hey I have a good pussy You know I like it all It's like I like a charcuterie board You know Yeah it's that
01:34:54 Bree Is that you know Is that goat cheese I'll have it all I will say that Bisexuals also He needs That guy needs to understand
01:35:00 Bisexuals fake That guy needs to understand That being bisexual Is very obnoxious To all categories of sexuality people. They go, oh, shut up. Pick a side. Also, if you're bisexual, show me the men that you are hooking up with. Because they're all gorgeous.
01:35:17 I'm like, you're just attracted to gorgeous people. Just horny. Maybe like, I fuck this girl, then I fuck John Knopf. I go, yeah, you're bisexual for sure. That's definitely it. Yeah, you really, yeah, you want to fuck me? That's crazy. I think we can wrap it up on that coming up.
01:35:36 There is one more that I wanted to find. Okay. It's J Spots. It goes, can I put this down? It's crazy. Yeah. I say, yeah, can I put this down? It's crazy. Yeah. I say, yeah, we're done, right? We're done. Okay, here's one for me.
01:35:51 If you were sandwiched with your dick in Devon and John's dick in you, would you back up or push forward to get out of it? Ooh. And so here's what I'm thinking on that is... Well, back up's gay. Push out is like you're trying to... That's the same thing.
01:36:08 Backing up and pulling out is the same move. So he's saying, would I push forward into your ass to get John off me, or would I back up into John to get my dick out of your ass? I have the smallest dick of all time. Oh.
01:36:21 So I... And that's part... That plays a factor, because I thought about this. Yeah, I got a tiny cock. No, I will say this. I will say, I think I just want you to back up into me because I feel like that's a measure of our friendship.
01:36:31 I will say that out of my giving mercy to Devin and my compassion for Devin, I'd want to give him mercy and pull out of his ass ASAP. I know. And I'm selfless and like I've said this for a bunch of
01:36:48 episodes, I could deal with it. But this is consensual. But psychologically, I'm not affected by this and I think Devin would be. Devin's an emotional little guy. Thank you. Fuck me up forever. I love you, bro.
01:37:02 I love you. God bless everyone out there. God bless everyone out there. God bless everyone out there. God bless Spots. God bless everyone. Thank you, Spots. Thank you, Spots. You are a legend.
01:37:15 Thank you so much, Spots. You have been an incredible sport tonight. We'll see you next week, and hopefully you choose some better vapes. I love Spots, by the way. Is that gay? I love Spots. It's pretty gay, man. But I love you. I love you in a way Joey doesn't love you. There's nothing wrong with being gay.
01:37:34 Yeah, thank you. Spots. That's a great response. He's a much smarter man than us. God, I love Spots. God damn, I love him. Anyway, listen, the laundry, it's done. I heard it. So, listen, the laundry, it's done. I heard it. So can you get up and fold it?
01:37:48 Also, I think we're running low on toilet paper. Yeah. Also, if you can make a run to Vons, I think they close at 11. We still have a lot of time. If you can just go get some deodorant, get some toilet paper. You can get toiletries. Also, it's not a taco zone. I'm kind of hungry.
01:38:02 Taco zone as well. Pick up Devin's prescriptions. That would be great. How many wet clothes do we have left? Thank Also, stop at Taco Zone. I'm kind of hungry. Taco Zone as well. Pick up Devin's prescriptions. That would be great. Yeah. How many White Claws do we have left? Thank you, buddy. Thank you. We love you all.
01:38:10 Have a great night. Bye.
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