Hollywood Handbook - Tom Scharpling, Our Returning Friend

Episode Date: July 1, 2019

TOM SCHARPLING makes his grand return to the show. This episode is sponsored by hims ( www.forhims.com/handbook ), Harry's ( www.harrys.com/handbook ), and Indochino ( www.indochino.com  code: HANDBOOK).See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Podcast. Anything. It could have been any location. We could be doing whatever. It's usually like some kind of camp activity or something. Honestly, it could have been giving you a bath or whatever you. Yeah, it's whatever you're feeling. And we'll give you options that you can pick from. Sure. No, it's not on you to create the show. We can give you names to choose. Well, give me three locations.

Okay. Okay. The Turkish baths. The Turkish bath locations. Okay. Okay. The Turkish baths. The Turkish baths. Okay. The mall. That one. Okay.

And I'm sorry for even mentioning that. And I should have known better. The Frisbee golf course. We all were having fun with that. Yeah. That's on me. I'm learning as I go here. Frisbee golf.

Let's say Frisbee golf course okay unless we top it okay okay and then celebrity sometimes two yeah that we're with do you want to examples say like six give me six okay um the uh dramatic chipmunk you remember no so really i'm sorry what's that what's the dramatic chipmunk so um really funny video uh a lot of staying power basically it's a chipmunk uh someone put like dramatic music sting underneath it yeah and then boom he spikes the camera like around yeah like yeah as if it's a big moment in a dramatic show yeah yeah yeah i didn't know that was a chipmunk honestly i'm not sure it was oh okay but it might be what they call it is it dramatic squirrel well either which way

i'm not feeling it either which way i'm not feeling mike malone mike malone yes coach mike Mike Malone. Mike Malone. Yes. Coach Mike Malone. Coach Mike Malone. Who coached for what? The Pistons? What? He now coaches. He was the Kings coach, and now he's the Denver Nuggets coach. Okay. Son of Brendan Malone?

Is he? I don't know. I would assume the coaching thing is a pretty tight-knit. I think he actually might be. Yeah. Yeah. Del Harris has a son who makes YouTube song parody videos. Okay. Would you like that?

Stephanie McMahon? Yes. Let's go with Stephanie McMahon. Okay. And I should have brought that up first. Knowing Tom, I should have said Stephanie McMahon first. Cable from X-Men? All right.

I'm out of here. I'm leaving. Okay. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. No, that wasn't even... I was joking. We can come back to it. I mean, you could say it would be Brolin as in the

cable outfit. Brolin in his cable costume. Half cable, top half thanos bottom half cable oh tom this is why we wanted you back i mean that is imagine how powerful forget it yeah thanos with the ability to travel through time or just his legs his legs at least could through time, so he could kick someone in the past. Then in the present, he's going like, what's the matter? You look like you got kicked or something a few minutes ago.

So this is Hollywood Handbook. But this is not a show. This is not like a show that we're doing. Okay. Tom is here. Yes. We are so grateful thank you so much for coming back to the show i i appreciate you saying it tom took a little break

his choice took some time not my choice choice. Not his choice. Three of your listeners made the decision for me. Three very vocal listeners. And really, this does all kind of trace back to Kevin because Tom and Kevin did an episode of our pro version that was just them. And the reaction was from, I would say, mostly positive. But three people were made uncomfortable by not hearing. I think you sort of get acclimated to certain voices. It's honestly just an expectation that you have when you start the show to hear someone in particular and it doesn't really reflect on who is doing the show when

it's just not what you thought you'd hear yeah and to be fair i've given it some thought and i've gotten a little perspective on it and um of the from from their point of view, if, if, if one half hour of the seven and a half hours of content you guys provide every week for people was slightly different. I can understand how that would just completely rock their existences to the point where they did not know what to do. You'd be pissed.

Yes. It's a little like, I think you pour yourself your morning milk and out of the carton comes spaghetti, which is, people love spaghetti. It's delicious to have all the time. I'd say it would be more like when you order French fries and you get the large carton and then there's that onion ring that falls out. Like somehow one onion ring got in. Yeah. I look at it as a bonus.

I think of it like this. Bonus mien. Like when I went to see Ben Folds and Guster in concert and then for one song Rufus Wainwright came out to sing the chorus. And it's not like I don't enjoy Rufus Wainwright, but it was a shock to the system. Oh, God. Because I'm thinking I'm going to hear Ben and the guys from Guster. Sure.

Three people probably complained. Yeah. I bet. At that concert. Why was Rufus there? Or maybe they didn't even know him, you know, these idiots. Now, when Rufus Wainwright came out and did that, did you start screaming that he's an unfunny asshole?

I don't know exactly what my language was. Maybe not screaming. Or like, wow, there's music. I was certainly typing and posting that. Look, let's put this behind us. That is so good. That's exactly what we behind us that is so good that's exactly what we want to do that's even better because during this hiatus our listenership has uh burrowed its way to the earth's core it is absolutely cratered.

The reason I say that this isn't real, we can sort of talk about whatever we want because until you're like officially back in a part of the show again, it is not a show. We underestimated the extent to which you were propping up the listener base that your periodic appearances were sort of the entire basis for our audience. Sure.

I was the glue to the whole thing. Yeah. And when you get rid of the glue, you just got a pile of bricks. Exactly. Even though. You glue bricks together? Sure, yeah, yeah, yeah.

That might be why they're falling. You think? Yeah. Because the glue, to me, the glue keeps getting removed by someone in the night. And then my fireplace just collapses in the middle of the living room. It's one of those ones in the center that you can sit around and have salami. Ideally, yeah. Okay.

Yeah, salami as well. So let's figure out the terms of Tom. What is it going to take? Because this is... Tom comes back. I'm one short hair from walking out of here. Just know that. Yeah.

So short hair. We used to only talk about pubes and stuff. I mean, do whatever you want. But in general, even with the audience being gone, we're not. Or if that's it. Okay. So if the terms are coming back as you get to talk about pubes. Then great.

Then it's welcome to the Pube Show Handbook with Sean and Hayes. Yeah. That's a big part of what I would like to make some changes. The Pube Show. Great. That's a big part of what I would like to make some changes. The pube show. Great. That's great. That is so good because everyone has these pubes. Oh, yes.

And no one is like really getting into it. There's not really a podcast that primarily is discussing these pubes that everyone has, right? In their pubis region. Yes, and so we can definitely experiment with that. Chef Kevin, would you like to start? Hey guys, Chef Kevin here. Welcome to Pubecast. I think it was Pube Show Handbook.

Pube Show Handbook. Pube Show Handbook. An insider's guide to your follicles and your underwear. On the first episode, we're going to... Hey, Mack Weldon's going to be upset if we say underwear like that. Yeah. That's right. You're Mack Weldon. You're Mack Weldon. You're Mack Weldon.

And you're Mack Weldon's. There are many different colors of PVs. No, this kid sucks. He's always sucked. And he's gotten worse since I've been gone. What's happened? Well, without you around, he hasn't been eating or drinking it's just he's totally he's like a plant you don't take care of i mean he's falling apart

he's not to be too on the nose with this but his pubes are falling out because he just doesn't have any nourishment uh-huh they used to be so lustrous and full and that like when he says that there are many different colors he's been asking about what does it mean when they're green yeah at just the base and i've done a little bit of consulting with dr google and i don't know exactly what it means but it's not good this is also for for Kevin. That show that just the two of you guys did was a big swing for Kevin to do. Absolutely. Huge opportunity. Yeah.

And it has become a pretty huge setback for him career-wise. Yeah, that was his big cotillion. His dead ball. When he was coming out and saying, Kevin has arrived. This is me, Kevin. Yes. Yes, I'm ready. You're used to Sean.

You're used to him. For marriage. What size dowry would you like to award something like this? Yes. Look out, here comes Kevin. And then he just ate a big pile of shit on that show. It wasn't that big. He ate like a little.

It's like a spoonful. You turfed out, dude. And you really are just kind of a shell of. Look, you were kind of a shell of a person before. You're like a shell of a shell of a person. That was his appeal. Like he had built up this sort of goodwill for this kind of shell of a person. And then for some reason in that episode,

he managed to scorch any slight amount of affection that anyone had up to that point yeah trimonth was like a reaction to you being gone what's that now try to keep this so this no one heard it oh that's the one where problem for us yeah that's the one where you pretended that the guests got better right for like four episodes in a row where it was the same exact guests you would have normally but you just called it something different yeah that we tried yeah and you had the mick on so that yes that suddenly made it a event it was big that was a month long it was here that was a month one month mick so we'll do we will figure out how to incorporate pubes uh and like a like comprehensive way yeah that is like thoughtful i'm kind of i'm kind of uh running cold on this pubes thing now okay feeling like it doesn't have traction maybe that could be

that feels like it might be more of a stitcher premium kind of thing oh okay great we've been looking to do more shows and so that could be a separate thing that we do just for sure there's no diminishing returns on our content so yes we've been looking for a show to come out on Friday. The more hours of the week we record ourselves, the better it becomes. What do you do on Mondays, Sean? Oh. Mondays must feel lonely, because Hayes

is L.A. man on Mondays. I know. He's talking about... He's talking about... In-N-Out Burger. Yeah. Is that better than Five Guys? Yeah. He's giving five forks to all these different restaurants he's trying.

Well, Tom, if you want to set up a Monday podcast with Sean, To set up a Monday podcast with Sean. Okay. Or just like what, you know, like if it's not pubes, then like what is the thing that's gonna like make this like an ongoing relationship again? Sure. What? Yeah. Let's think of some arenas.

Kevin, give me an arena. Because you have the, you kind of have your finger on the pulse of all of these podcast ideas that are coming through here. And you hear people pitching podcasts left and right. What do you think is a vacancy in the market? Well, self-improvement is an up-and-coming cluster, if you guys want to do something about that. Home improvement? It can be. There actually aren't a lot of home improvements right get that on there oh yeah more power yeah maybe like a home improvement show like a watch every episode yeah home improvement recap show yeah yeah maybe do kind kind of like the premise that you're trying to get Richard Kern on the show.

And it's just like he's waiting for Richard Kern. Oh, yes. Yes. And it's just like he's coming. He's coming. And he never comes. I think it could be interesting. It could kind of stretch out the premise that when he shows up, we realize that the actor's name is Richard Karn.

Well, and we got someone totally disconnected from the show. That's fair. I don't also. No, I'm saying it's good. Let's go back and can you fix, make Kern Karn? I'll just say it here. Just do the. I'm going to give you three.

Karn. Karn. Karn. And Jordan, if you could plug those in where I said Kern, because you three. Carn. Carn. Carn. And Jordan, if you could plug those in where I said kern, because that was my mistake. You got it. And then actually, Kevin, just as a safety, can you also sort of change the ah sound to an uh sound in all of the podcast. So, um, uh, Kurnia Siddha, um,

uh, maybe, um, oh, uh, the Amish are raising a burn. The Amish. The, yes. Damn it. Uh, let me think. Oh, um, my cat's playing with a bowl of urine.

Kevin, did you see he was looking in? No. It's Oscar. From the fucking office. Oscar's here. Cole Perez? From the fucking office. Holy shit, that's fucking Chris Paul's

fucking insurance agent oh my god for the home improvement recap show so we like these like it's good when these things are topical and Tim Allen was just saying that he should be allowed to say the n-word so we could go through the episodes

and like say here's where he should have been allowed to say it in this episode a good n-word so we could go through the episodes and like say here's where he should have been allowed to say it in this episode a good n-word spot usually he would I think be calling Wilson the n-word yeah can't be every episode that he does that

no I'm saying usually in some episodes there might not be a great spot but we're like here's the best spot for him to be allowed to do this. Bring him in and just kind of get him to do what I did with Karn. Yes, exactly. Get a couple wiles. We could just pepper it in. Exactly.

And then we got Tim Allen. Yeah. Buzz Lightyear. Kevin, you got to read the news and listen. When a celebrity is like, I want to be able to say this word and we have all these microphones. He's like a huge star. Yeah. Missed opportunity if I don't do it.

Did you notice that they closed the door when I looked back for Oscar? No, they probably were aware of your weird fetishizing of the office. Weird young, weird kids loving the office now. What's that about? Yeah. It's like we couldn't wait for it to go off the air. And then suddenly everybody's like loving it all of a sudden. What?

Remember? You guys realized that it was bad for two-thirds of its run, right? And that now... Yeah, the first two. They finally found their feet at the end there. When Robert California showed up. That era, I thought, okay, now we're on to something. And I was happy I'd stuck it out through the beginning.

Who's going to be the new boss? They had Robert California there as kind of a placeholder, but then they rotated in Will Ferrell and Jim Carrey. And I thought Will Ferrell was going to be there for three years. I was just like, because he's great. I was like, they got a great guy. That was weird to me how they blew through these guys that you would think, wouldn't you want Jim Carrey to be the boss for like a couple seasons? And he's only there for like five minutes.

But the writers messed up. Yeah, the writers booted that one. My favorite moment was when Ricky Gervais was in the elevator with Corella. It was epic. Dude, sliding doors. Yeah. What could have been. Yes, yes.

Scott meets, what's the other guy? Brent. Brent. So sick. Brent. Brent. So sick. That, for me, as just a fan, I was fucking screaming.

I was losing my shit. When those elevator doors opened, I about passed out. Because it's like, look at these fucking guys, you know? From the show? Shit. I was losing my mind. Dude, that was on rewatch. File away for the comedy spank bank.

When I just want to get off laughs wise when you absolutely must bust instantly. I just go right to the source. Scott and Brent. Boom baby.

Fuck yes. I think we're going to have to pull that last five minutes. Okay. Okay. Great. Jordan, if you could just mark that from when I stopped talking about the office. I was thinking the exact same thing. It's cut.

Me too. Yeah. Get that out of here. Yeah. Let's just ditch that whole stretch. Mm-hmm. And we do, like, you know, we have office hours. We'll put it in there.

That you've continued to do. Yeah. And we can just, like, throw it in there. Yeah. Seriously, go ask him to be on office hours. You think he'll say yes? I just want to watch you. We'll find out.

Go ask him, though. Go knock on the door where he's recording something else i did open the door of their record because i didn't realize we were in a different studio and so it's almost like you kind of did record with him in a way we could he wasn't here yet yeah but my essence is still in there the stink of me is still wafting through that room. I'd like you to ask him a question about these State Farm commercials. Seems like Chris Paul has a fair amount of weird shit going on at his house.

Car accidents, a loose deer in his garage. Clutch, the mascot, is there. Yeah, he's cooking him eggs. Yeah., the mascot, is there. He's cooking him eggs? Yeah. He has a psychotic break. Clutch and... Well, he hears

the jock jam that compels him. And even Chris and James know that when he hears that song, he will unholster the t-shirt cannon and he will. That is loaded with 500 t-shirts. Yes.

And he will basically turn anyone surrounding him into Swiss cheese with the t-shirt cannon. Sure. Because they should have a second series where Chris Paul is brought up on insurance fraud. Well, for impersonating his own insurance agent, first of all. Yes, first of all. That's right off the bat. That's how it started. That, I was, yes, I was very suspicious. Now, moving forward, the fact that his original agent has just disappeared, is gone.

Yes. Have never seen again. And the new agent is complicit. In each of these instances, he's present for all of the damage. present for all of the damage and you know how convenient that then he can testify to the insurance company i as an employee i'm getting no kickback from any of this it's like yeah right james harding comes to my house and puts a chinese takeout container in the microwave with a huge piece of metal attached to it the microwave blows up my kitchen is ruined i go to the insurance company and i say hey can you fix my my house for like for this avoidable

mistake and they'd say absolutely not yeah but cole perez is covering up he's gonna like basically tell some lie about about happened. Disgusting. Well, to be fair, he does say at the end of that commercial, he says, that's you, James, when you see the silhouette with the beard. Yeah. Clearly. And how is James Harden not scored? How is he not, at that point, like Freddy Krueger?

Especially that beard. As we know from other commercials, firefighters have to shave every day. And that's not like at that point like Freddy Krueger with – No one has been hurt. Firefighters have to shave every day. So, yes, with that information in our pocket, we go like, well, then he shouldn't be around that sort of fire, this microwave fire that apparently burned the entire kitchen and left James Harden untouched. And his beard is fine. That's strange.

Remember when he and Trevor Ariza were like singing so loud in the back of the car? Yes. And Chris was like not wanting that. Yes. What's that about? And he's going to file an insurance claim for people singing in his car that's nuts remember when

freaking DeAndre Jordan and Damian Lillard were breaking glass yeah and splashing paint Jordan let's ditch this whole stretch all the State Farm stuff. Okay.

We got, okay. Yeah. Hollywood Handbook. What are some other podcasts, Kevin, that are, what's missing in the marketplace? Yeah, what's the inefficiency? Is that an Apple Watch, by the way? Yeah, I got one for Christmas. Uh-huh.

Do you like it? How's it working for you? It's actually pretty nice. I don't have the email set up, so if a guest were to say, what's the gate code, I don't get that notification yet. Sure. But it does tell me it thinks I'm working out a lot. Sure.

And for everybody listening, the gate code is 4- Don't- God damn it. God damn it. Why? If you want to come by, take Kevin's Apple Watch. Kevin, what happened to the nice watch that we got for you? I alternated.

You sold it? No, I alternate. You sold it because it didn't tell you that you were working out? It does seem like I should be wearing an Apple Watch before Chef Kevin is. Yes. I am wearing one, but not because of this. Not because of this podcast. Do you know what I mean?

I don't have one. I mean, all I've got on my wrist is one of those bracelets that keeps bugs away. What it really is true is I should be wearing two Apple Watches before Kevin has one. And I should be wearing two of these bracelets because I've been eaten alive. Yes. I've got them on my ankles, too. And this is nothing.

I can hear them moving to a different studio from the one you were in across the hall. Yeah. Because I think when you close the door, a lot of the bugs kind of got blown inside. There was like a gust of air, yeah. What about like a travel podcast? Where you two like travel around? Just on Mondays? Just on Mondays.

Because I have to be here five days a week to release the others. Yeah. So maybe Sunday night you fly out, record on Mondays during the day, and then fly back Monday night. Okay. So maybe Sunday night you fly out, record on Mondays during the day, and then fly back Monday night. Okay. Every Monday.

And is that within the Earwolf budget to fly me in every week? Yeah, we'll fly you in, and then you guys will fly out somewhere. Okay. And then you'll fly back to Jersey. Why do I have to fly to Los Angeles first? Why don't I just meet Sean wherever we're going I just assumed you guys would like to fly together

And part of like recording stuff on the plane And Some of the bits there Are you coming with us Do you want me to I can I'm available Okay sure I will Let's run an episode of this

So we're on the plane right now We're on the plane right now, right? We're on the plane. Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. I'm freaking going to go up in the sky. Tom, did you hear that? He's going to go up in the sky. Wait, you're on this show? I thought you were just holding the Zoom recorder for us.

I'm like in the seat behind you guys, holding the Zoom recorder. As you can hear, Kevin is doing kind of a character for this show. It's not his normal voice at all. Yeah, let's hear a little bit more of that whatever you were doing there. So me and Sean are in I'm assuming it's business class, right? Yeah, at minimum. And there's a mic poking through the

curtain. Every episode we talk about the different boarding groups. What's with all these boarding groups now? Have we gone insane with this? It's just, okay, at the beginning, all right, you got a wheelchair, okay. All right, you have active military service, okay. But then we start to get into so many specifics,

and you can just imagine some of the ones I could make up. And it's like group one. Oh, great, then I'm going to be the first one. But now ahead of me, there's like priority blue, blue cheese. but now ahead of me there's like priority blue blue cheese yeah hey oh i got the golden diamond cheese uh group it's everything you can imagine hey is anybody here have you ever worked at a bakery you know that oh now you get to go on i'm just going what yeah job do i need to have had to get on the plane? Group one, I thought this was the beginning. No, but it's nuts. So, yeah, because then we could do that.

Should that be the intro to every show where we do? It should be the bulk of it. Yeah, it sounds like it. And a lot of it should be you guys pretending to be in the army so you could, like, stolen valor. Get out first. Yeah. We just walk on. That's me. Anybody in the army so you could like stolen valor get on first yeah yeah we just walk on that's me anybody in the active service right here semper fi

and then i just you march on to the plane. And if anybody questions you with that, with stolen valor. Salute them. No, what I do is I go, hey, I'm a general. Are you a general? And then they're like, no, I'm not. I'm like, like yeah then just go back to your seat because i'm sitting down now and you salute me that's tough to come back yeah yeah you did see me in your

your unit because i was the general in charge of the entire army i go hey i'm i'm a colonel and i'm about to turn you into a pile of mustard with one punch. So we're on the plane. Yeah. And then you're commenting on the people maybe because your business, all the people walking. Sure. Can you believe this person's got two dogs? Well, don't you comment on it.

We're doing the commenting. But what were you going to say in case they want to use that? I'll use it. Can you believe this person has two But what were you going to say in case they want to use it? Can you believe this person has two dogs with them? And they're both huge. Alright. Okay, here we go. Okay. Can you believe this person has two dogs with them?

They're both huge. What else should I say? I'm kind of coming up. Yeah, you can't just give one thing. Yeah, that painted a real picture. There's two of them. Write a thing for me to say. I didn't know is bring the pet to...

Hold on. He's got a paper and pens. He's working it out. I didn't know is bring your pet to work day. Okay, is not work. They're not at work. That could be the conversation. Are they here for work?

Okay. But then you're setting time up. Let's try it. Okay. Give me it. Here we go. Oh, you start. Yeah, you start.

Can't believe this person has two dogs with them. They're both huge. What is this? Bring your pet to work day? I see what you were saying. Because the temptation for you, I'm sure, is to say, well... Then, of course, it's going to be to correct Tom and say it's not work. When we're doing it to Kevin, of course, it's funny he got it wrong again.

Right. When we do it to Tom, it doesn't work as well. Yeah, this whole thing kind of blowing up. Do you want me to take the whole first chunk? I think actually what you might have to do... Let's swap. You want that? Okay. Here we go. Sick. I had a decent read on the first part,

but go ahead. Can you believe that people are bringing two dogs on this plane and they're huge? Yeah, it's just the way I was doing it was so, because it's like two parts, you know, and it's that pause in between makes it feel more natural. Then it just, I can become it. So here we go.

Give it to me again. Cormac style. Yeah. So. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Give it to me again.

Can you believe that these people are bringing two dogs? It's these people or it's this guy? Was it? Guy. Okay. It's one guy. Thank you. Was that the line, Kevin? Yeah.

Can you believe this guy's bringing two dogs? Okay. Okay. Here we go. Thanks. That helps. Can you believe this guy's bringing two dogs? And they're huge.

They're both huge. And we forgot on the point. Can you believe this guy's bringing two dogs on the plane? And they're both huge. Yeah, what is this? Bring your pet to work day? Hey, stupid. Unless you are a fucking flight attendant or a pilot.

Or an air marshal. You don't work. Or an air marshal. You don't work here. Medic. On plane medic. That's fair. Can you cut out the part where I call them stupid?

I feel bad about that. Yeah, you got it. Now, why did you say you don't work here? You're saying it to me. You're saying he would have to be that. Unless you, it's like the proverbial you. Yes. Okay, okay.

What do you want her to loop in? Me saying Karn. Okay, yep. Marked it, got it. What do you want her to loop in? Me saying Karn. Okay. Marked it. Got it. Okay. So where are we flying to? Is it a surprise every time? Yeah.

We're both blindfolded? Uh-huh. Okay. It's amazing you can tell the dogs. Well, you feel two dogs brush up against your leg in the aisle. Yeah, that's true. And the length of them. We can't have Kevin getting the biggest laugh from Jordan.

Sorry, from the entire episode. Edit that out. She just explodes. Got it. Cut it. Yeah. I actually have a serious question. An engineer question.

Whoa. If Kevin is supposed to be poking through the curtain, wouldn't the episode just be arguing with people? It should be cabin. Cabin? Because we took all the... Oh, shoot. Sorry.

Yeah. If Kevin is in the middle of the aisle and like poking, like holding the zoom, don't you think the episode would just be like people yelling at Kevin? Sorry. Maybe it should be kavik because there's cap there's there's like an agent and manager both right havoc and i feel like we could get some heat among the kind of industry community if we say cavit yes that that so his

name is kavik now noted i'll replace it wouldn't just be people arguing yeah because he's not what you think happens in business class yes no he's blocking these people can't be happy that the money has made them miserable and they're arguing all the time no it's very nice up it's really pleasant everyone is very nice to each other everyone's having fun because they know that they're only among their peers i've never seen arguing in business class in my entire life. I'll take that out too. But I have seen so much people agreeing with each other. Coach is a madhouse. Everyone's trying to kill each other.

Sometimes there's like a premium economy class where people are civil but furious. Yes. In business, people are nice. And and in first class everyone's having sex so what's the surprise destination um take off our blindfolds ladies and gentlemen, Ireland. Ladies and gentlemen, Ireland. Ladies and gentlemen, Ireland. Yeah. How about we try this? Why don't you say, why don't you say, just say like some weird, scary shit.

Like as if you're on the plane scaring everybody. And then you say it's a, you know what I mean? Like you make it seem like it's going to be scary and then you say we're recording the podcast on the plane. Like the place we're going to is scary or the trip is actually – No, say something like, all right, everybody. Get down, get down. Yeah, that's cool.

So maybe you guys are – you're doing a segment where you a segment where you're going through people's suitcase or something, and I'm in the background like, get the fuck down, everyone. Okay, I would say if we are really trying to scare everyone, the solution is not to go really high-pitched. Although he seems scary then. like he could do something i guess he's you got a lot quieter than you did the entire show uh and went a lot higher pitch so okay i guess yes let's play that out he seems yes with that same with that same volume and register. Keep that same energy. Okay. Everyone get the fuck down.

I'm flying the plane now. Okay. This is my show. Once you say this, say like, you pull it out. I'm the captain now. You say like, I got this. And everybody's scared. It's a Zoom recorder.

It's strapped to your chest. Yeah. I got this Zoom recorder. And it's strapped to my chest. And it's blinking. How about be like, first hold out your hand and it's taped, duct taped to like what appears to be a detonator button. And you say, this is a dead man's trigger. If I'm not holding down this button, it activates my device.

Anyone tries to shoot me and I will immediately start recording you on this Zoom recorder. For the latest episode of what should we call the show? Oh, I got one. Go ahead. Get the fuck out of here. Nice. Right? Because everybody likes curses and titles.

Yes. Dude, yes. Well, that steps on a little bit the self-help thing that is coming up. Yes. Because, I mean, Kevin was bringing up that's a chunk and we can maybe get in both people by being like, get the fuck out of here. You're a bitch and badass, you cunt suck.

That's awesome. How to not give a fuck about taking a shit on your butt. This is a dead man's trigger. Okay, we're catching up. If someone tries to shoot me, I'll let go and I'll start recording you on this Zoom strap to my chest.

Okay, we got that. Good. We had sort of moved on from it. Yeah, it was a while ago. Hollywood Handbook. Okay, so we're going to Ireland. good we had sort of moved on from it yeah yeah it was a while ago hollywood handbook uh okay so we're going to ireland interesting first choice uh what do you like have planned piss on the blarney stone is that what you want oh yeah oh i thought you said piss the blarney stone that's good could be a lot of I thought you said stuff. Yeah.

Is that what... Can you line up any interviews? Cool interviews with anybody while we're there? Ned Devine? Sure. We'll interview Ned. Can we get the matchmaker? And the matchmaker? Because it's Ned. Can we get the Englishman who went up

a hill and came down a mountain? Taping Ned Devine. Could be the title of this episode, certainly. Cole Meany? Yeah, gotta get Cole Meany. You don't know who that is. No. Yeah, Cole Meany. Yes, I'm having fun know but i'm part of it you're not part of

it let's go back to you on the plane okay i'm gonna i'm gonna just say just you do what i say great okay all right everybody get the fuck down all right everybody get the fuck down. All right, everybody, get the fuck down. The gate code is four. I'm not going to hit the gate code. Three, four, seven, three, five pound. Come on. Wow. Kevin, if you give people the wrong gate code, then there's going to be a backup of cars into the street,

and their cars are going to be hit by our incoming cars. It's really dangerous to give people the wrong gate code. We need to give people the correct gate code on this podcast. Oscar. Yes. Car accident. Oscar shows up. Oh, my.

Yes. State Farm. Yeah. If a car accident happens, then Oscar has to talk to Kevin. Yeah. Right? Yeah. You know, actually, I don't know if you guys got as good a look at him as I did,

but I'm pretty sure that's the robot insurance agent. So it's not a State Farm. I think he sends the robot. I am so sorry for your automobile he says him to do podcast records he doesn't want to do this shit he's like oh semba said the crying insurance agent robot what show was it that is recording with him in there that got the primo studio that doesn't have a team of like 15 people in the command center like moving around and trading headphones it's really great to have this giant room of people all facing the other direction while you do a podcast yeah what exactly

it's this guy i barely recognize yeah mr thumbs up man whoumbs Up Man, who's like Colin's son? Oh, my God. They came in together. No. What show is that over there? What's that, Kevin? History of the Shequel. It's Aaron Gibson's Stitcher Premium show.

Okay, but it seems like something Tom should be doing. Yeah, do you want to do that? She has a co-host who's a teenage girl, and they about influential uh feminists but that's not the show with oscar what's the show with oscar over here in the stars near our normal voyage to the stars what is that it's like a sci-fi show that devin works on shitting me let's do a sci-fi show that's the pitch to an audience it's a sci-fi show that Devin works on. That's what you say. That's the main selling point.

It is to me. Hey, Devin's working on it. What's this show? So maybe sci-fi, like the plane turns into a spaceship or something? Is it Mission to Zix ripoff? People, that has been a comment people have made. I disagree. Well, does Devin work on that show?

I don't think so. I don't think so. Okay, here we go. So right there. All right, everybody. All right, everybody. When I press this button. When I press this button.

This plane is turning into a spaceship. This plane is turning into a spaceship. This plane is turning into a spaceship. Make some space sounds. I wish we had Devin. He does this stuff so well. Yes, yeah. Can you get Kevin? From the office?

Yeah. In here. Is he in the building? Hi, everyone. What's that? What's that supposed to be? That's Kevin. I'm on the plane, too.

It makes my stomach hurt. That was seriously all joking aside for all of this. Literally all of it. I'm putting on to the side right now. This is me just talking to you as like a human here. We have to say all joking a salad to push the shirts, the comedy bang, bang shirts.

Okay. Sorry. Okay. Seriously. All joking a salad. Yeah, I know. I know.

It doesn't seem like it would be a thing, but it's like one of the main things. Okay. Kevin, seriously, all joking a salad. And it's also saying we basically have never topped that. Yeah. Yes.

Nothing we've said, or maybe one or two things we've said have been better than all joking a salad. We've got to do Tom shirts. They wouldn't fit on the shirt. What's that now? We've got to do shirts with you. We have shirts with me. We have to do shirts. They wouldn't fit on the shirt. What's that now? We gotta do shirts with you. We have shirts with me. We have to do shirts with you. Sure. Sure. That sounds like a... I'd really like to give... Make no money. That was the thing.

No, you get a cut of it. Oh, a cut? Oh, really? I get a cut of a shirt with my face on it? Are you sure? What was the thing you wanted to say to me? Yeah, after Stitcher gets their taste, we let you wet your beak in the aftermath of this whole thing folding up. The little backwash at the bottom of the weird mug. So I get that, huh?

Uh-huh. Can I get a free shirt too? Can I get one? I'll try, yeah. The breakdown is like a bunch of it goes to studio costs. The mics. Yeah, the mics, all the equipment. All rich gets like 80 to 90%.

And then I think we get a dime. And so I guess you would get 10% of that, which would be a penny. Are they leasing the equipment? Like they should just understand you can buy things outright if you plan on being here for a while that's not the model i've seen the business plan and it's yeah so they go to like what is that place aaron's like all this stuff is from aaron's yeah the cops the table the microphone sure the table you know how i feel about this table what was the thing you wanted to say to kevin that that impression was truly that's just bad that's just like that's if you're if you're trying to like

rehab your image at this point because your stock is at an all-time low okay and crashing you're not going to. It's like businessmen are looking at the little strip of paper coming out of a machine, and they're throwing themselves out a closed window. Yeah, it's bad. That impression. Just do it again. Do you have any tips?

Do it again. I want to hear it again, and then I'll give you tips off of the impression. Hi, everyone. It's me, Kevin. I'm on the plane, too. I was in the bathroom, remember, from the office hours? That's right, yeah. I don't, but yeah.

It was a talking toilet. It was like the toilet, I think, at the office. That's right. That's right. Telling stories of what it's seen. But that's what you hear when you hear Kevin on the office talk. Yeah. It sounds like you. Just sounds like you talking in a stunted way.

Hi, everyone. This is sounding like the Talkboy 2 commercial. Yeah. Hi, kids. We're home early. Hi, kids. This is sounding like the Talkboy 2 commercial Yeah Hi kids, we're home early Hi kids, we're home early Stop drooling on me So we got the sci-fi podcast Now where are we going?

So are we on the spaceship? We're on the spaceship to Ireland To Ireland And we land there. Uh-huh. Okay. So we're on a spaceship, but we're just going somewhere that a plane would get us. Hey, it really is sci-fi if you go to Ireland. Little green men all over the place, huh?

Yeah. It's a little play on words. Take us to a planet. Blargon 6. we're on we're uh one way trip to blargon six oh wow that's a really racist planet what a weird one to pick that's the planet where everyone is racist why would we ever be doing a one-way trip? Maybe Tim Allen's there. Yeah.

Okay, we're not trying to like wall people off from doing the show. Sure. Okay, so it's a one-way ticket, so now you're there forever. Okay.

Now people are definitely listening. So the three of us are stranded on Blargon 6 forever. This was also, by the way, this was supposed to be Monday. This is just for Monday.

You have to get back and do Hollywood Handbook. Yeah, the main show. Yeah, the flagship. Then the Pro version. The Pro version, then the flagrant one. Hashtag the flagrant one. And you just got a one-way ticket to Blargon 6. Plus we got to do two live streams for the flagrant one and you just got a one way ticket to Blargon 6 plus we gotta do two live streams for the flagrant ones

LA podcast they've been asking me to do another season of masterclass so keep getting tweeted at I got an idea for it no it was mentioned by some employees here as well but yeah I just don't know when I'm going to do it,

if I'm stuck on Blargon 6 every Monday. Yeah, so we're stuck on Blargon 6, right? Do an impression of, like, the mayor of the city we're in. G'day. G'day. the city we're in. G'day. And now Kevin has two of the loudest laughs of the episode.

But those are like, those are like. That one was more, yeah. Right, that's kind of what the laughs are, aren't they? The blindfold one was like, that's clever. This one is more like, OMG, this guy is trying. Yeah. Looks like Tri-Month didn't end. Did you ever see when people say that? Did I see when people say what?

Did you ever see when people say that? Yeah, did you ever see that, when people say that? Wow, looks like Tri-Month is Tri-Year. Did you ever see when people say that? Yeah, did you ever see that, when people say that? Wow, it looks like tri-month is tri-year. Did you ever see when people said that? Bye. Bye. Hollywood Handbook. a horny girl wolf. This has been an Earwolf production. Executive produced by Scott Aukerman, Colin Anderson and Chris Bannon. For more information

and content, visit Earwolf.com Ow! That was a HeadGum Podcast.