Last Podcast On The Left - Relaxed Fit: The 5th Annual Last Podcast On the Left March Madness of Murder

Episode Date: March 27, 2026

Spring has sprung, and the bell has rung! Hold on to your jock straps, sports fans, because things are heatin' up - right on time, it's the Last Podcast On the Left Annual March Madness of Murder...Tag Team Edition! That's right, this year our contestants are teamin' up to compete for survival, and if that's not enough, there's a brand new element in play - a roll of the dice will determine the unique location of each battle! Many will fall... but only one team can survive. For Live Shows, Merch, and More Visit: www.LastPodcastOnTheLeft.comKevin MacLeod (incompetech.com)Licensed under Creative Commons: By Attribution 4.0 Licensehttp://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/Subscribe to SiriusXM Podcasts+ to listen to new episodes of Last Podcast on the Left ad-free, plus get Friday episodes a whole week early. Start a free trial now on Apple Podcasts or by visiting siriusxm.com/podcastsplus.  Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.

There's no place to escape to. This is the last podcast. On the left. That's when the cannibalism started. I met John Tesh. Several days ago. So how long are you going to dine out on this shit? Truly one of the.

Jesus fucking price of my time. And without telling it, still not telling us where you met John Tesh. You just said a mole-like place? I can't have people find me. where I frequent. You know how I frequent places and I can't be mobbed where I go. I don't want

or mugged. I don't want to be place mugged. Yeah, place mugged. I'll tell you where you can find me Jersey mics. Yeah, buddy. That's where I am. If you know I'm in town and there's a Jersey Mike's close by, you know I'm getting that fucking meat slice. But when I heard

John Tess's colostomy bag a jingling jangling, I knew Oh, wait a second. What month is it? Oh, shit. It's time for March Madness. Welcome to the last podcast on the left. Ladies and gentlemen, this is the fifth and last podcast on the left.

March Madness of Murder and Mayhem. My name is Marcus Parks. I'm here with my main man, Henry Zabrowski. My name is John Tash. People used to respect me. But now I'm a figure of humiliation. And we have the man on color commentary, Ed Larson, across the table. How you doing, Ed?

Shaka, can't buy a bucket because I've invested poorly. Yeah, that's right. You don't have any liquid. He's not liquid right now. He put a lot of money into grocery stores. Yeah, actually. Shout out to Sprouts. Every time you shop at Sprouts, no, I'm getting money.

Yeah. Also, is anybody else? Is anybody looking to buy some barrels of crude? Because I do have three or four of them. It's actually, it's really been difficult getting rid of them. Yeah, man. All I know is them hormones are straight. We're here at the fifth annual last podcast on the Left March Madness of Murder and Mayhem,

and we're doing it a little different this year, just a little bit. We got to mix it up. And so we've added rotating bio. Yeah, and not just that. Another aspect is different this year. Groups. That's right. We're doing teams this time.

Yeah, the rotating biomes, we usually hold this in Madison Square Garden. This year, it is held in a rotating biome. So when each seed is chosen, after we find each matchup, we're going to be rolling an eight-sided die for each individual biome. And then at the end of each match, there will be a coin toss to see which biome, the next. Next group will fight in. Nice. And I brought a 20-sided die, and I'll be rolling it for nothing. Yeah, and honestly, just getting them used to dice. Because he's been scared of dice ever since his father's crippling gambling problem.

And so he has been afraid of dice. And the thing is, we've got to get through the dice problem, which is why you are, I would say, hesitant about RPGs. Because this is about you afraid of dice. I swallowed two this morning. I think I'm feeling great. Oh, the CBD ones I said you. But we are going to do it as we usually do it by picking names out of the hat. So do we want to go first and choose the entire Eastern bracket?

I think so. All right. So let's see the first lineup in the Eastern bracket. God, Mr. Tess, you got short and fast. Someone please kill me. No one will let me die every time I'm running. recognized I live another three weeks. So our first competitor will be the Montauk Time Boys, led by former president Barack Obama.

Yes. As we know, was a Montauk Time Boy himself who traveled back and forth to Mars as a teenager prior to converting from Islam. No, that was when he was first looking at it. What is Kenya's religion? I forgot what Kenya's. religious. Yeah, I don't remember, but we know Barack Obama was a 14-year-old crono, I would say it's crononaut.

Chrono not. And so he, we know that he's a part of there, and we know that what he loves is he loves drones. He loves cigarettes. And he loves basketball in his backyard. And time. Love time, so it's going to be the Montauk boys versus, let's get this hat just a little bit.

It is a handbook. It is a handbook. full of chuds. Oh, man, that's going to be a hell of a fight. Because the chuds are, they're just on the Long Island Railroad down the street. Yeah, yeah. And there are certain biomes that will give

certain groups advantages. Of course, because each biome is based upon most part a classic environment that you would find one of our heroes today. And this is going to be good because also a handful. That is the actual official term

for a group of chuts. Yes. Yeah. Yeah, yeah, absolutely. And it's five, right? Is a handful? A handful is five. Okay, good, thank God. Exactly. Five. Five.

Handful. All right, the next. Are we picking the biomes now or later? Later. Okay. Soon. Because we have to get the full bracket first, and then the fights will begin. Sorry I didn't pay attention in the pre-meeting.

We did have a pre-meeting. We did not discuss this part. But not this very, but we did discuss other things. Yes, we did. All right. I rolled a five. Someone shoot me in the hurt. Next line out of the next battle will be

Oh, Reinhardt Heidrich and four Einzatzgruppen At the end of a Soviet winter. So they're tired. They're tired. But they're mean. They're angry as well because they know they're not going home after the war. Yeah. No one comes down to it.

They got no place to go. They got nothing to lose. Whoever they're up against our Aitzen grouping. They're going to have a heck of a little challenge, aren't they? Yeah. And they might have a friendship day on top of it. They just might. They just might.

And it's at the end of the Soviet winter. So we figured like five Einzatz-Gruppen, like, at full power. It's too much. Too much. So they're low on ammunition. They're starving. But they are still Einstein's group. And everybody's a Jew that they see.

Yes. Also, I want to say that the end of a Soviet winner is March. Indeed it is. Yeah. So it's just accurate. We didn't even have to say it's the end of a Soviet winter because it's March. I thought his Soviet winter like ends in June and then like summer ends in July. Well, that's just their second winter.

But when we say Soviet winter, we're talking like winter of 1942. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. The coldest. The bad one. Was it 42 or 43? I can't remember exactly, but the worst winter in the 1941. That's right. General January, general February.

That's right. All right. And fighting the Einstein's group and will be the starting defense of the 1985 Chicago Bears. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes.

I can't wait. Yes. Oh, they are going to love the shot. Fucking Dickie Dent's going to get in there, bro. Wow. Mike Singletary is going to fucking take off his reading glasses and tackle the fuck out of Rine Yard. The 85 bears, we got to remember here, the 85 bears, they're going to have a lot of skin. in this game because they're one thing that 85

bears don't like, and that's Nazis. Yeah, they hate them, they hate them, man. And remember these groups are not necessarily matched one to one, so it's 11 guys versus five. See? Yeah. All right. So the next matchup will be,

Bapa. Ooh, Topsie the elephant and his trainer, Whitey. Yeah, Topsie and Whitey. Yeah, Topsy and Whitey. Yeah, Topsie and Whitey's hammered, but he's on top and he barreled through a police station. Hey, Whitey knows how to drunkenly ride an elephant best

honestly I don't want to killed arguably five people I would also say I actually feel like Whitey that might be too much for him to be loaded he might need to be in search of some alcohol oh no he's shaking he's shaking he's got a shaky hand so it's

Whitey with the shakes yeah whitey with the shakes all right and fighting Tobsy the elephant and Whitey will be a pack of hungry wolves oh wow I'm honestly So pleased. I'm pleased about that.

I'm pleased about that. These are natural enemies. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Drunken animal handlers and a bunch of loose wolves. No, sober, alcoholic animal handlers who are on the lookout for their morning booze because the wife has taken the vodka out of the back of the toilet. What are you to do? Damn wolves in the way of my vodka.

My wife keeps putting vodka back in the toilet saying John, drink a little more. And our last matchup in the Eastern Conference is going to be, ooh, the Gremlin's Rip-Offs team. That's one googly, one critter, one munchy, and one troll. Yes. Yes. Yes.

Yeah, and that's, and they, I mean, it will stand to see how this team works together. Oh, no, it had to be five? Oh, no, it's Topsie and Whitey. It's topsy and whitey versus wolves. Yeah, that's true. So now we got the rip-off gremlins versus? Verses, let's see here. It is.

Oh, the Kentucky vampires with one real vampire. Ooh, that's actually going to help. That's really going to help. That's really going to help. I don't know how all these gremlin fucking copyright infringements are going to work. I don't know if they all can all be in one. I don't even remember the distinct ability. of a munchy, but we'll get there.

He parties. Yeah, and he eats. Yeah. It's a munchy. Yeah, he parties and he eats. Really, the ghouly and the critter are going to be doing a lot of heavy left in here. I think so. But the thing is about a critter is that a critter is really only dangerous when there's a lot of critters.

What's one critter going to do? He can shoot his needles. There are a fair amount of things that one critter can do, but we do know, I mean, a critter ball is optimal, but this critter will be going at it alone. All right, so that's the Eastern Conference. Do we want to just roll through this side first? I think we need to choose the Western. Let's settle the bracket.

Yeah, let's settle the bracket completely. All right. The first lineup in the Western Conference is... Yes, come on, come on, come on. 80s, hair metal mainstays, poison. Whoa! Poison! And this is poison just after unskiny Bob.

So it is poison at the height of their popularity and powers. I think that's the key, is that they do need to have pyro available. they need to have a lot of Jack Daniels because that's every glam rock band loves Jack Daniels and they like what else do they like roses and spandex and hairspray

yeah a lot of spandex and roses and hairspray a ton of hairspray and I think that hairspray might be important it has to be it has to be I think it's the only discernible weapon they might have well thorns on a rose

and and raw sexuality oh yes real man sex That's what, yeah, that's what I like God, I can imagine what their spandex smelled like. Don't discount, you know, C.C. Deville or Brett Michaels in 19, what, 87? Hey, when they're backs against the wall, and they know for a fact that they've got to go to Santa Cruz to fuck four 17-year-old. You know that they want to make it through this, bow.

So it's every rose has its thorn. That's not rocky like a hurricane, right? No, that's the scorpions. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. No, poison is unscany-bop, nothing but a good time. Okay. Every rose has its thorn. Talk dirty to me.

Talked dirty to me. Okay, all right. They have four pretty good songs. Okay, okay, okay. And fighting poison is... Oh, ho, ho. The Epstein crew. Oh!

That is going to be quite a matchup there. And by the way, the Epstein crew is Epstein with the power of the Mossad. Yeah, he's got two, at least two Mossad snipers. At least. Stephen Hawking with his modified wheelchair. Yes. To drive through a school. Oh, yeah.

Gnome Chomsky and his pen Woody Hallin with a clarinet And Princess Andrew Armed with acid sweat Yeah Don't touch him

Don't touch him Formerly known as Man it's interesting Of a poison versus the Epstein crew Is they like to have sex With women the same age Yes they really I mean that's actually

That's gonna be a big They might just become friends I'll never know. There's a little part of me, though, that believes that poison might even like him a little bit more mature than the Epstein group. All right, the next matchup. He wants them to least have pubic hair. Maybe. I think I would put that with Brett Michaels.

I put that on him. I saw a flavor of love. Sure. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd say they'd want him at least 17. Yeah, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right. Next matchup is, ah, the Murdoch family.

Oh, hell yeah. And that would be the Murdoch family, armed and drunk. Oh, man. You got Alec, two Capri Sons. Both of his fucking holsters, man. He is sugared up and ready to go. Oh, are they oxy-cottoned up? No, just drunk.

Just drunk. Yeah, just. So he's hankering for an oxy. No, he's sloppy. He doesn't want to get sloppy. Yeah, he doesn't want to get too sloppy. Do they have a boat? They have access to a boat, depending on the realm.

Yeah, depending on the realm. Yes. They do have access. access to the boat, but mostly armed with AR-15. So they really loved. They got a lot of guns. Yeah, they got a lot, they got a lot of guns, and I'm guessing it's just going to be

Alec, Buster, and what's his fuck? Paul. Oh, yeah, yeah, no, Paul's alive. The mom ain't coming? No, she's dead weight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. How about, I'm going to give them two dogs. Yeah, a couple of dogs. Yeah, yeah, two dogs. A couple of bloodhounds. Sure, two dogs. Who are they up against?

Who they... I'm excited about this. This is going to be a fun line. Let's see. They are up against two Frankensteins. And Benedict Cumberbatch dressed as the Frankenstein. Because I don't know if anybody else saw I don't know if anybody else saw Benedict Cumberbatch and Johnny Lee Miller's

COVID performance of Frankenstein. But it is the, it is horrible. It is. No way. Well, what they did is they, this was like a COVID event where one night, one of them would, like Johnny Lee Miller would play Frankenstein and then the other night Benedict Comberbatch

would play Frankenstein's creature, the monster. They'd switch back and forth. And this is how I found out that Johnny Lee Miller is a better actor than Benedict Cumberbatch. Oh, yes. Because when Benedict Cumberbatch was, chose, was Frankenstein's monster,

he chose to play it like Mango from Saturday Night Live. It was... I am mad. It was... Quite a choice. You all didn't see Bradley Cooper and the Elephant Man like I did. I always saw the clips.

That was fucking rough. And it was directed by Danny Boyle. It was very well done. It was very cool. But he was Benedict Cumberbatch was ridiculous. So it is... Frankenstein, but Boris Karloff's Frankenstein monster, but the monster. It is the actual monster.

And it's Jacob Lourty as Frankenstein. monster, but seems pretty unstoppable in the movie. As the monster, and then you have Benedict Cumberbatch in makeup. In makeup, pretending to be Frankenstein in a very mango style. You can see there's

a picture he's got up, he's bounden around the stage. He's a very animated Frankenstein's monster. He had too much power at this time. I'll tell you what, a Murdoch would love to kill a British man. Oh, of course. Of course. And a British Frankenstein? Oh, yeah. Honestly, I would

I would like to as well I honestly I'm getting pretty fired up about it just looking at him he's too confident for a British man way too confident yeah like Johnny Lee Miller at least looks a little a little embarrassed

that's what everyone every one of them needs and the next matchup is going to be who 20 chimney sweeps and their master oh no my nonice children with the reason why we did so many

because of how they're all riddled with cancer. Yeah, yeah, yeah, and they're pretty disposable. And they kind of, they can almost sort of explode at the touch. Yeah, you know what I mean? Because they're packed with tumors. Yeah, they're all, and they're all between the ages of four and 15. But that can eat up a lot of time for our vegan. Yeah, and if these are Mario-level biomes, these little guys will be good in the tubes.

That's the thing. If we do, if they happen to be in the mine cart level, This might be theirs. It might be theirs. Because there are the, yes, the biomes, half of them are Mario levels. Oh, as I imagine the audience understood. Yes, as they understood. And fighting those 20 chimney sweeps will be the Eastern European Hammer Maniacs.

Wow. That is a fair, man. That is actually very fair. We have our two DeNepro maniacs, our two Academy Maniacs. And then we have the nighttime killers, which were other two boys. You didn't really bring them up. No, they were. Russia and they were inspired by the...

Why wouldn't they just take your time? People are going to be there. It's, you know, the whole thing. It never gets old. Wow. No, that's a hell of a matchup right there. Oh, I can't wait to watch those fucking... Them honestly pop those children. Yep. All right. And the last

matchup of the night is three waymos and a delivery robot named Guillermo. Why are they always named after Spanish people? It's not fair It seems racist Just a bit And fighting the three Waymo's

And a delivery robot named Guillermo Is The final Matchup The killer clowns from outer space Why not? All right Why fucking not

How many killer clowns are we talking Five Five Five, okay Because they are pretty dopey They are pretty dopey And they largely can be Because I believe

You just destroy them By blowing up their nose I believe that's how they die. I believe that's how they died. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, so now we're going to choose the biomes. It will be. It will be.

This is really just about us trying to get rid of Waymos. Live from North Bay. I think what we should do with the biomes is that we will choose the biome for each individual fight. Yes. So let's do, let's choose the biome. The first fight is going to be the Montauk Boys led by President Barack Obama versus a handful of chuds. Got it. All right.

All right. Now you're going to roll the dye for the biome. Yep. And the die, should we go through the biomes? I'm going to just roll and then you're going to tell we're going to put with the biome now. All right. So I'm rolling my eight-sided die. I got a two.

Got a two. Ice world. Okay. Ice world. So that's the first one. They're on the ice world. We know that there's flows. We know that there is maybe some still water.

Maybe an ice volcano. Glacier, for sure. Done. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So maybe an orca. Now, I got to ask a question. If you roll a two again, will they get the ice. Ice World again, even though we have eight bios.

No, we're cutting it. So that's Ice World. All right. Ice World's done. So if you roll it two again, you're just going to go again. Yes. Gotcha. All right. So Ice World, slipping around, Montauk Boys versus a handful of Chuds. I think with this- Let's fucking get into it. So we're going to do Fight One, right?

Yeah, this is Fight One. Ding-Ding. Yeah. We're in it. I think here, of course, the Ice World is going to be a massive disadvantage for the Chuds. Yes. Well, I mean, they live basically outdoors. They live in the sewers. It gets very cold in New York. I think they've dealt with ice before. But do Chuds go to sleep when it's cold?

My question is, is that do they have a hot? I honestly would imagine that they would be hibernatory. And they would probably go down in the warmer months. They would arise. And in the colder months, they would probably slow down much like a reptile or something. That's how I view it in my mind, right? Yeah, they are hot. So we know that the boys enter in on a portal.

Barack Obama is arrive. He comes through. He's riding two boys, right, on each foot. He's not riding drones. No, no, no, no. The drone is his friend. Oh, okay. They can talk.

The drones from the future, right? But the drone, unfortunately, it's pacifist, doesn't want to be involved. And so it's just watching, it's hovering and watching. Barack Obama. It's a very un-Obama drone. Oh, tell me about it. He's just a boy. He doesn't know how to fucking do the negotiations right.

Because he's just like, let me be Claire. I'm trying to think what else he says. Well, you just said Joe Biden's. Let me be Claire. Yeah. He says, right. Obama comes out and he goes, look. Hey, hey, look.

Hey, let's think about this. I'll tell you what. Hey. Yeah. How you like a playlist? That's what he says. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, you know, I love Mobb Deep.

Yeah, yeah. You know what I look. Hey, Henry, I'm making a movie about aliens. Oh, wow. How do I get in on that? Oh, wow. I can't wait to do that. Oh, wow, I've got to produce that.

I do that. This world will slow down the chuds, but I do think the chuds are going to take down at least a couple of Montock boys because chuds are quite strong and very single-minded. Chuds will fucking rip these kids from arms and legs. Well, unless you could go. I first think a chud could be laying on its back in the ice and it could still rip these kids apart. But I could also see a couple of chuds losing parts on the ice, right? They're going. They're getting stuck.

They're fighting and they can't do it. So you've got the boys coming from all these ever. I would imagine it would take about... Oh, because they're all kind of wet. They're wet. When you're wet, you touch ice, you stick. You don't slip. No, you stick.

So these guys are sticking into the ice. They're struggling. Boys are attacking one or two. Barack Obama, I imagine. And it's 14-year-old Barack Obama, correct? Yeah, yeah, it's teenage time traveler, Kroa, not Barack Obama. Fresh from Kenya.

He's out there, so he knows what's going on. He's fighting one-on-one with a chud. Now, unfortunately, well, not unfortunately, but I mean, for the audience, we know he lives. Yeah. What do you mean? He became president. Yeah. Oh, well, in this instance, we don't know what's going on here.

Yeah, we do. All of this is canon. No, everything's canon. It's can't. Well, that's not fair then. No, if this happens, it will Barack Obama could live. Yeah. But I don't know about the rest of them.

I don't think if you go hand-to-hand with a chud, even if they are stuck on the ice, I feel like it almost gives them an advantage. And I think these chuds are so powerful, these kids. kids don't stand a chance. They're just going to rip off their faces. I think that if they got close, sure, but also they're pretty slow moving. And Daniel Stern didn't know they were coming. And also remember that the Montauk boys are very good with science. They're going to have weapons. Like, they're going to have energy weapons. They're going to have sound weapons, sonic weapons. I think the boys take them out. They can make a Chud's head explode. I do believe

there is a sound weapon involved that could have definitely been brought from the minds of one of them. We know that that's how the Montauk project work. Brock Obama, far thinking enough to think about this sound weapon knows the drone doesn't want to fight. So he has this sort of amplification weapon that shatters the chuds. Yeah. But I do think we lose boys. You have to lose boys. There's no way these chuds. First

of all, I think both of you are wrong and the chuds destroy them. But obviously you're not going to let me win this. These boys are fucking worthless and they're weak. Not Barack Obama. But Barack Obama's the X factor. He's the strongest boy. Look at the claws on this fucking guy.

Look at his teeth. Barack Obama is, he makes love to Michelle every night. You think so? You know, he's got to fight her down. Yeah, well, I think... And she could take a chud. Yeah. Well, I think if the chuds would have pulled the sewer level by them, then, I mean...

That's what's killing them. I mean, obviously, they would have taken it down. Well, the Malkuck Poy's, you know, they live underground pretty much, too, as well, you know. They do as well, but they live underground in a very cushy lifestyle. Chud's living underground in 1970s, New York. I think the ice zone is what fucks him up.

So the boys die and we got Obama left in a time-traveling lazy boy. Two of the five boys die. Okay. And then... Two? Two. I think two.

Five chuds are only killing two boys? They're stuck to the ice. I'll give you three. I'll give you three. So it's coming forward. It is... Brock Obama. One Italian boy from Long Island.

The pacifian. drone and the time-traveling chair. Yes. And don't forget, you know, Montauk, they have more tricks up their sleeve. You never know. They can materialize things in their brain. They can have a little swollen raccoon that's dead with them. Absolutely.

All right, so that settles to have one. We got one battle in. All right, Montauk advances to the second round. Ding-ding-ding. Next match up, the Einzatzgruppen versus the 1985 Chicago Bears.

The starting, the the starting defensive lineup of the 1985 Chicago Bears. So we got the fridge. You got the rest of, you know, Mike Singletary. You know, they got full uniform. They're fully rehearsed. They're not tired. Yeah, Richard Dent, he actually, he's one of the few

defensive players to win a Super Bowl MVP. Yeah. So, I mean, that's a big deal. Here comes the biome. This is going to find out where they were fighting. We have got number two was already taken. We got number seven. Number seven.

molasses it's just simply molasses so now it is a field we don't know where it came from it's deep it's like three feet of molasses an endless field of it

I think three feet is too much I think six inches all right you're right I don't think it matters the bears the bear's got fucking cleats and they got the fridge the fridge can eat up half of this goddamn molasses

I think that that is now we're again seeing how these are coming into play. Really changed it. But I do think that the Einzatzgruppen might have, this is where the Soviet winner might be in advantage because these guys have been surviving for months and months in very harsh conditions.

The 85 bears, I mean, yeah, it's cold in Chicago. It's very cold in Chicago. In 85, you're playing outdoors? Soldier Field, you think that's fucking warm? I feel like the one thing truly that 85 bears have, over the Einzatz-Grupen, feet, movement, discipline. And extreme strengths

to get through it. You know those, like, they do the squares, and they jump over the little things, and they take ballet classes. I don't think the Aitzen-Krupen has enough ammunition to even take this on.

The way I'm seeing is the Einzatz Grupen has no ammunition left. All they have is their goofy SS knives that were gifted to them by Himmler. Can you pull up a picture of Mike Singletary? Real quick, I want you guys to look at Mike Singletary and say, how excited this man would be to kill a knots. The only reason why I even want to give it to him.

I want that man to beat an Einzantzschevin to death with his hands. And his helmet. And I just can see it because I can see. They're wearing helmets. I think that they're motivated to beat the Einstein's Groupin. I think the Eitzantzgruppen have been. They've been left behind. They have been,

honestly, in many ways, if I was reaching out to them, I'd say you've been abandoned by your leadership, left to your own devices out there. You're fighting for no one. The 85 bears are fighting for America. Now, also, can I say something?

You know who won the 85 bears? You know who lost? The Nazis. The Nazis lost. The 85 bears have already won. They only lost one football. game the entire season. That's fucking crazy. And if it's knives

versus... If it's knives versus five emaciated 18-year-old psychopathic Nazis, I think that they unbelievably tear them to shreds. I think they tear them to shreds. What I'm thinking is, I think they are going to have some bullets

left. I think what happens here is that the 85 bears unfortunately are going to sacrifice one man. Oh, at least. Refrigerator Perry. I think he could take a lot. I think he goes in front. Refrigerator Perry goes in front.

He takes all of the bullets for the team. And then he's laying on the ground while he's dying. He's eating the fucking molasses. Yeah, he's just like, I can't believe I got all this free breakfast. Yeah, yeah. So he's eating the molasses. He's digging a trough through the molasses at the boy, at the night's on grouping. They're tired.

I view they have decided they are going to pin themselves. They're like, let him come to us. Yeah, of course. So they're doing the thing where they're laying back. They got the guns up. They fire their last few bullets into William the refrigerator Perry. He comes through. He's dug a trough.

His own dead body slides back through the fucking molasses at them, creating enough of a tunnel that Singletary and the rest of them rushed just like the Blitz. Yeah. Just like they always do, man. He knows up the middle, Mike Singletary. He goes right up the fucking middle. And he just, if I was him, I'd sit. on Reinhardt-Hydrich's face, right? Like, he just as he's been like, hey, boys,

bet I could choke this Nazi with my ass. And I'll be like, yeah, bitch, you can. While Richard Dind is over there, just breaking their neck just one by one. Because by that point, I think they're so debilitated. Yeah. That they're just, they're still, now they're all stuck in the molasses. And now it's like the same thing when Hitler fucking gave up because they come down to it.

They're like, they probably start popping themselves in the mouths because they're such pussies. Yeah. And you know what they do at the end? Super Bowl shuffle. That's right. 85 bears take it Yeah we knew they would

Of course of course We knew they would It's on scruppins All right So the next The next fight we got I keep saying line up But it's the next matchup

It's Topsy and Whitey Versus a pack of wool God damn This is how This is going to This biome is going to Actually very much affect Yeah

This fight Because I don't think Topsy's well fed either No You know unfortunately Whitey's just It's just going Horry

Horses Hey, I fucking kill a dog. Yeah, Topsy's been moving fucking amusement park rides all day. There we go. She's tired. And they're Biome 5. Biom 5 is the Kentucky Vampires Hardee's parking lot.

Ooh, that's going to be a plus for Topsy. That is definitely a plus for Topsy. Also, unfortunately, that really makes an easy, even playing ground for all these guys. I'm thinking, I think Topsy takes this one pretty easily. I think Topsie's going to take this one. I think Topsie's going to kill two wolves and the rest are going to run away. Yes. And then not before we at least, Whitey loses.

I'm going to say an arm. Yeah. I don't think Whitey even notices anything's happening. No. I think Whitey's just being like, to the liquor store. It's just firing a gun in the air. Yeah. It's just like, yeah, that's it.

I don't really stand much of a chance. I think the wolves, unfortunately, are going to be taken down by Topsie and Whitey. Yeah, very, very, very easily. Just crunching their spines, kicking them into the dumps. inside of the Carl's Jr. I think you're going to need at least nine wolves to take down. All the people in the hearties are just watching.

You know, just being like, you're what they're going to do about this? I bet nothing. I'll tell you. A wolf is like, what? You know how the government is. I bet there's a Democrat machination. I know what's happening here.

They're attacking. I see that the wolves, that one's got the big tits like AOC. They're out there trying to attack the venerable symbol of the Republican Party. And let's not forget the wolves, they're like 180 pounds, tops, and Topsy is about 8,000 pounds. Yes. Yeah, and Topsy's ever. That is a very big difference.

And I do believe that this is, this is Topsy's realm. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. The city streets are where Topsy's best. Oh, absolutely. Yeah, it's simply asphalt. Yes. In front of a Hardy. So, yeah, Topsy takes this one pretty easy.

What a great day to be at the Hardy. And then we've got this one with this next bout. This next bout, this is the last bout in the Eastern Conference. This is the Grimlins rip-offs team that's one critter, one googly, one munchy, and one troll, versus the Kentucky vampires with one actual real vampire. Okay. So this actual vampire is going to help. And where are they fighting? They're not at the Hardee's.

No, they are not. Unfortunately, they don't get home field advantage. Our Kentucky vampires are going to be in number one. Number one, lava world. Oh, God. Lava World. Oh, my God. I really thought that this was going to be good for the vampires,

but Lava World seems like it might be better for the Gremlin rip-offs. I truly believe the one world where a vampire does not like get anything. Is that a lava world? Yeah. I think a lava... Can Lava kill a vampire? Yes. I'll say this.

We've never been in a scenario yet where vampires have been put in lava. I've never seen it. I never heard of it. But we know that fire kills the very center of all evil. Fire is normally one of the things that kills all things. In terms of any supernatural element, you're trying to destroy the heart. You're trying to destroy the brain. I'm pretty certain if you threw a vampire, if you got a vampire to touch lava, it's dead.

Yeah. Now, I think. What about goolies and munchies? I feel like they're not going to. do too well in lava either. Well, they're not going to do too well in lava as long as they stay out of the lava, because the thing is about goolies and munches and gullies and critters

specifically. Single-minded. They're very single-minded creatures. Critters specifically. Now, critters, don't they have planes? No. Oh, they do, don't they have spaceships? They believe a... Critters are from space. Yeah, but I think critters are more...

No, they're from space. They're definitely from space. They're definitely from space. They are 100% from... Technically critters. But I think they're more like pests where they, you know, they hitch a ride. They do. But they, uh, it looks like they're driving it right there. Yeah, because from what I remember, I believe the critters, the eggs show up and then they

hatch from the eggs and then, you know, the problems start there. Yeah. And there are critter hunters that go front because I believe the, uh, the first one is got, what's his name from, uh, Cats, the musical. Yeah. That's true. It's true. Yeah.

And the third one has, it was Leonardo DiCaprio's first movie. I think a lot of these guys, I don't know if there's any toilets in the lava world, but if there was, a goolie would definitely rip apart one of these Kentucky vampires, who I imagine spend a lot of time on the toilet because of their diets. There is no information about the critters if they can fly planes. I believe the critters are pests. Like, I believe they just show, they're sort of like they hit your ride and lay their eggs and then cause havoc, which is why the crites hunters kill cranes. Yes.

You know, the crites hunters have to chase them from. planet to planet. Yes, because they're resource hoarders. Yeah. And I think the gullie and the munchy, they're doing well, and our last guy is a who? A troll. A troll. A troll loves lava, I think. I unfortunately think that the lava, again, this is another thing where the biome is so crucial. Yeah. Because the boys have never, they only've seen lava in video games. The Kentucky guys, they go see that and they're like, we must go. The vampire is absolutely on the face by the lava.

And they go like, oh, yeah, we're going to go. And they think that they can do it. They're like, we're vampires or vampires. And I can literally see them running out towards the goolies. They might not even fight. I think that they just hit the lava and they immediately are like, ah, thinking they're vampires. Yeah.

And they immediately are destroyed. Yeah, and vampires, you know, they're good at killing humans, but I don't think they're good at killing monkeys. I don't think they're, I've never heard of a vampire. eaten a troll. I never heard of an, you know, I think this is a, I don't think they got a chance here. I just think that a vampire is being thrust into a lava-based scenario. The vampires have been in before. They're from Eastern Europe. Is Iceland you have vampires? What? Iceland. Not really. Yeah. Yeah, fuck them.

Yeah, Iceland doesn't have vampires. Iceland is trolls. They have trolls. They live in volcanic rock. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So just with the troll alone, they don't have a fucking chance. I just feel like, yeah, they're going to get lava on mocked them and use that term again. Yeah. And I think that the actual vampire is going to get so distracted by trying to coordinate the pretend Kentucky, Wemphi, that the ghoulis, the Gremlin's rip-offs

are going to take him down pretty quickly. But I do feel like the Gremlin rip-offs are more doing the Sun-Si, don't get in the way of your enemies make a mistake. And they're watching them all die in the lava flows. And they're like, hey, we've fucked up a lot of stuff before, haven't we? guys. They're like, yeah. They're like, let them

fuck themselves up. Because remember, all these creatures do have the power of speech and communication. They just because remember cheeseburger. Yeah. And Monchies just love pussy. Yeah. Of all of them, we know that

Monchies are the horniest of all. Easily, easily. So they don't have any girls. So the Grimlins rip-offs take it. Oh, that's great. That's great. Yeah. I think they're all going to live, right? Yeah. I think they all live. I don't think they lose a single person here. No.

Yeah. All right. So that is the first round of the Eastern Conference. This has just been truly historic already. The biomes, to me, best thing we've ever added. Oh, I love the Bions. It really does add a whole world. A whole new thing to it.

So let's move over to the Western Conference. We have the first matchup, Poison, versus the Epstein crew. Oh, man. These guys, oh, well, I just really see them becoming friends. We'll see what happens here. See, I can see. I feel like their Epstein crews just be like, hey, I'm going to hire you to play the party. I also don't.

And then they're just going to fall for it immediately because they take any gigs. Well, let's first see. Let's first see the bio. This is them at the height of their powers, though. I feel also, but you see, they don't have the money. Yeah. The Epstein does. I think that the poison crew could be very easily convinced that they belong in the Epstein group,

and then they could be surprise attacked by the Epstein. group. Because I think that the poison crew I think that they're extremely clever. Poison is not clever. They only know how to fucking apply. They don't know how to make their hair big and they know how to eat pussy and drink. If it was the lava realm they'd be instantly dead just because of the

heat and their hairsprit. Well let's just get first of all let's see what the biome is. Yeah. Let's see what the biome is we have number six. Number six that is number six just happens to be Sixth Street in Austin on a Saturday night. Oh! That's going to give poison a distinct advantage because they can drink more than anyone,

and I believe become more powerful with every shot they take. Oh, my God, are we about to see, to be honest, I'm almost getting chills. One of the biggest upsets in this whole fucking thing, because I didn't expect this. I thought poison was dead out the gate. No, but I could see them. But you put them on 6th Street? I'm setting up a stage. You set up a stage, right?

Poison's playing. Epstein crew rolls in, right? Obviously, you got Stephen Hawking. He cuts through the crowd being like, It's time to treat them and crack and my lips don't work anymore. You know, like, they're going to go, and they're ready to fight. Epstein's got his two Mossad guys. Obviously, they're talking to a bunch of 14-year-olds.

It's hard. It's Austin. They're very distracted. They got fucking, you know, gnome is there going, just trying to be like, it's linguistics. You know, he's got his pen bomb, right? You got a pen bomb. Well, the thing is about,

Sixth Street on a Z. You drop Woody Allen and Noam Chomsky in a Sixth Street on a Saturday night. They're just immediately going to be overwhelmed and fall into their fucking needs. Oh, how am I going to do? Oh, Colsonia. Oh, God. Woody Allen's going to have an allergy attack. So Poison is decided. Poison knows this is their strength. They have set up a collapsible stage on 6th Street. And they are performing at the height of their powers. Yeah. They're performing a free live show on Sixth Street. which is now filled with thousands of armed Texans.

You have Jeffrey... And I got to say, poison in Texas in the 1980s as someone who grew up, they were one of the biggest bands on Earth. It was Poison, Motley Crew, and Guns and Roses were the three biggest bands on Earth. You couldn't say a bad word about any of those. So you've got Jeffrey Epstein, all of them, they show up to shut the party down. Not just that. Woody Allen is talked into coming on stage to play the clarinet.

As soon as he gets on stage, murdered. Murdered. I think the people... Fucking C.C. DeVille puts a fucking knife into his kidney. Dude, I think the people of Austin kill the Epstein crew in the name of poison to stop them from stopping the show.

Poison barely has to get their hands dirty. I don't think poison does anything. Now, what about these massades that are hanging out over at the off the rooftop of the hill once Epstein's dead the cat the check stop clearing yeah yeah there's no right and I don't think that Epstein has any way to bring

the fucking to bring poison to his side because poison don't need Epstein's help they don't need to fucking they already paying for it yeah yeah they already got it they got all the groupies they have no power over there's underage girls in every single bar in Austin I am so

I literally guys I really can't describe how surprised that we are here. I can't believe it. I thought these Epstein guys were actually going to go a lot further. I thought so, too. Man, this is like fucking Gonzaga going out in the first round. You can't beat poison on 6th Street. It's going to be interesting.

Now, the Texans, they have a soft spot for a man in the wheelchair. What? Just because they like to boss them around, tell them what to do? Because of Greg Abbott. He's their leader. But they don't know that one. You misunderstand. You misunderstand. They vote for them in spite of the wheelchair. Not because of it. Yeah.

Trust me. Also got to remember, they hate eggheads. Yeah. Right. That's right. These guys are nerd. Yeah, dude. Oh my God.

They're going to get pants. They're going to get their dicky slats. It is literally the worst possible place for them to have chosen. And this is why the bios. Make this. The best March Madness we've ever done. Because that changes everything. I'm so proud of Austin.

I never thought I'd say that. Not once, dude. Obviously they kill them. Obviously they fucking kill them. Yeah. Yeah, and that's the thing, I guess, man, Epstein crew doesn't even have a chance to pull out their secret weapon. No. Yeah.

Which was what? Mecca Michael Jackson. Yeah, they become Mecca Jackson. Yeah, they become Mecca Jackson. But they get torn at pieces by the crowd. Michael Jackson isn't, he's not appreciated in Austin. No. No.

No, he's just, the only time you hear him Michael Jackson is like on like a bicycle going by. Yeah. The only child molester, the only child molester they like down there is Kid Rock. You know, I'm not just going up his name. Oh, right. Wow. There are many molesters. Unbelievable.

Holy fucking shit. Oh, there's plenty of molesters. Yeah, no, Texas is a rat's nest of molesters. No, I know. I've seen them. I've seen the stats. Yeah. Yeah.

So, yeah, poison. Poison goes to the next round. I can't believe it. Jesus Christ. That's amazing. Yeah, now this next matchup, this is a big one. This is the Murdoch family, armed and drunk, versus two Frankenstein's monsters and Benedict Cumberbatch dressed up as Frankenstein.

Well, oh. Playing Frankenstein as Mango. Who I am just, because first thing I was, will say those, if that's better than a Cumberd batch had not had his green drink that morning, he's going to be pretty testy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And, you know, say what you want about him being strong against the Murdox, but the Murdox might find him funny.

Oh, they might think him doing them, be like, he's playing, he's playing Sam from I am Sam. I like him when he does it. I like when he does the re-re-voice. That's what we like. Yep, that is very much what is the performance was. All right, so here we do that. All right, so here we're going to be in. Number three.

Number three, skyboat. Whoa! Yeah, skyboat, so they're going to be dealing with cannonballs. They're going to be dealing with raccoons throwing ninja stars. Yeah. Man, I got to say, like, it's really hard to, like, take out one of these Frankenstein's monsters, but we do know the Murdochs have killed people on boats before. They know boats even in the sky.

Yeah. They know boats. do they own the boat? Neither crew is good at Swift Diverse of movement You know neither one of them is good at Like dodging a cannonball Like

Well this might be where Benedict Cumberbatch Actually does have a bit of an advantage Because he was, as I said earlier Too animated In that performance But Paul He can move Paul and Buster

Buster both Skeeter and Skitter Yeah. We forgot about the Skitter. Paul Skitter's Buster's a big boy. He gets out of breath real fast, just as fast as his father. But Paul Skitter. He is a skitter. He's dangerous.

But even if he jumps on a Frankenstein's monster's back, he's just going to get ripped to shreds. But he has AR-15s, though. That's the problem. Can't you litter a Frankenstein's monster with bullets and nothing's going to happen? Barack, watching Ben and Dick Cumberbatch do this Frankenstein thing is making me believe in him less. Every single time I see him do a somersault as Frankenstein's a monster.

I care about that man. He should never act again. Yeah. This is the worst thing I've ever seen. He never act again. No, this is, yeah, this is one of the worst things that happened in COVID, and my father died. Yeah, this is horrible. This is just, truly a villain.

He's worse than any, that's worse than anything the Murdox did. I'm thinking the Murdox are going to light up Benedict Cumberb. And I think they're going to light up the Frankensteins, and then they're going to high five. And then the Frankenstein's going to stand back up. Yeah. And they're going to be like, oh, fuck. And they're just going to walk over and just rip them the tracks. I do think that we could see the Frankenstein's doing a, especially on these precarious platforms on the sky balloon.

Yeah. They're not. Sky boat. Sky boat. I'm sorry. They all not like obviously the Murdox. They're used to some movement, but not in a 4D world. You know what I mean?

No. Like they're used to a boat going like this. They're not used to a boat going up and down like this. That's a great point. That's a great point. I think that I could see them shooting some Frankensteins. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Just because, again, they don't finish the job.

I could see them like shoot them, turn around, start drinking and celebrating before it's even know it's not over. And then, yeah, obviously the other two Frankensteins get up and then it's more of a push them towards the edge. And we saw a lority fuck that boat up right up top. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And Frankenstein, he just walked up to that goddamn boat and fucked it up. He did.

Yeah. Him versus a boat was big deal. And I do that think that the Frankenstein's due to their nature of not really being alive is that because they need to be fully dismantled. Yeah. The only way for them to be destroyed. Like, I do, is that not true with Frankenstein? Have we seen that yet? Get a movie.

Well, he usually ends up floating on the iceberg at the end. Yeah. If it was in a burning windmill, well, you know, I could say they might have a chance of losing. Yeah. Because Frankenstein usually takes him. self out. Yeah. He does. Usually. It's usually him. But he has to be wholly destroyed. And isn't there normally

some doubt as of whether he lived or not? Always. There's always some. He's the first Jason. Yeah. So I do feel like in many ways, Frankenstein would be hard to... I think if you explode... You'd have the only way to get him you'd have explode him. Yeah. And I don't think the Murdox have a grenade with them. They do have AR-15s, but there

are bombs on the boat. Well, there's cannons being fired constantly. Yes. But I do feel like that's the Frankensteins... can wrap their head more around this environment. I think Alec Murdoch moves just like a Frankenstein. Yes. And he's just not as strong.

Yeah. I agree. I don't think they, I think that the Murdox would, no, obviously on a 101 can't be to Frankenstein. No, no.

It's three on three right here. And they got, remember, they got two dogs. And I think Frankenstein kills dogs, too. I mean, the dogs just fucking paralyzed by the sky boat.

Yeah, they don't know. They can't go anywhere. Yeah, yeah. They don't understand. They don't understand boats. They don't understand the sky putting together.

They're really fucked up. No, they're scared as fuck. They don't want to be on this fucking skyboat. And even if the dogs got their wearer with all the gig, they got their mind together to attack the Frankenstance. Frankenstein's just going to pun it into the fucking sun. Yeah. Oh, yeah.

Oh, it's going to rip his face off. It's going to break its neck. All right. So Benedict dies. Yes. Benedict definitely dies. Yeah, because he deserves to. He brings the same confidence to this fight that he brought to that performance.

And he's going to fail just as hard. He does one somersault. Hit by a fucking... He's hit by a cannon fire. Yeah, I hope he is hit by cannon fire. He is immediately exploded. Man, imagine if a Frankenstein got a star. Oh, wow.

Oh, man. We got to go. Skitter, Paul. Paul, we got to go. Skitter, Spitter out of there. Come out, Paul. No, I think... Paul, Paul. I think Paul is the one that hides after he sees his father's face get ripped off by Frankenstein.

And then Boris Karloff finds him and rips him to shreds. That's great. He just throws him off the side of the boat. I can also see a Frankencent just throwing him off the side of the boat. Oh, yeah. Yeah, I could see Paul, like, thinking he ate a flower because his hair is so red, and then they're trying to throw a fireball and nothing happens. Yeah, and the Frankenstein just breaking his hand.

Yeah. Like, grabbing his arm, just breaking his arm back. And you're like, and then he takes the other one. He pushes him off the fucking boat. So the Frankenstein take it. All right. All right. All right. All right. All right.

Next up, 20 chimney sweeps and their master versus the Easter. the Eastern European Hammer Maniacs. Six. Hammer maniacs all armed with hammers. So here we go. Two biomes left. Two biomes left. Here we go.

I think the last one I got here. Oh, my die. No, my die. Number four. They're on the mine cart level. Oh, wow. This is advantage. Chimney sweet.

By far. Oh, yeah. They're in and out of these mind carts. Oh, no. This is the exact nightmare scenario. Or put them all a different mind card. This is a nightmare scenario for Hammer Maniacs. They did not expect this at all.

Yes, of course. Ukraine, Eastern Europe, they love mines. Kids die in mines all the time. The Daewu ain't doing well on the mine track. No, it is not. No, they are just on the mine track and they are, wow, the chimney sweep so accustomed to death, so accustomed to being absolutely, they are expendable.

I think five. Chittany Sweeps die, but that's just because they're around. They die. The hammer maniacs did anything to do of it. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They coughed a bunch inside one of the cars. They died. Yeah, yeah.

Absolutely. So they die. Yeah, we lose five chimney sweeps, but not to hammer deaths. Go, my little spiders. My little sparrows. Go and fight them. Fight them and bring me the hammers. Now, what about the hammer maniacs?

Do you think that they have a chance of killing the master? Yes. Yeah. I feel like they hammer maniacs can take out the master? I think the master gets taken out. I think I think at least two of the hammer maniacs sneak behind, they find the master, they beat him to death. But unfortunately,

it is the chimney sweeps, well, their coal experience that takes them to the end of the mind cart level. The only thing I would say though is I do believe that upon being struck with a hammer or chimney sweep explodes. Yeah. It's so fragile. The thing is with the hammer maniacs,

they just, they're going to take what they're going to get there. They're going to kill the fucking master. And then they're going to start plucking out his eyeballs and all that. And when they're doing that, they get distracted and they're just going to get swarmed with chimney sweeps. And that's the idea is they just get swarmed by 15. So 15 chimney sweeps beat six armed boys. Yes.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Because they get sticks and they don't care, right? I mean, we did this last year with the laricans. We talked about this, but the laricans, they have a little bit more weaponry and stuff like that. The chimney sweeps are really just kind of armed with like we're the weapon. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So that's the problem. Without a leader, I don't know what they do.

I think without a leader, the chimney sweeps are pretty disorganized. They're pretty chaotic, but I don't see them, you know, they still have a want. You know, they're still hungry. For what? To go back? To kill. To the chimneys? I think they're dirty killers.

Yeah, I think many of them are, if you remember from the episode, one chimney sweep became one of the most famous criminals in British history. That's true. And I guess they do kick the other little boys. There's always stronger boys. And once the master dies, the largest chimney sweep just becomes the master. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I guess that's the, honestly, that's the stem of their defeat here, is that they do make it their way to the top of the Martin cart thing.

They beat Fagan, thinking that they're going to beat him to death. They think that's it. They think that is what's going to disrupt the chimney sweeps. They don't understand. There's not even, not only are the chimney sweeps expendable, so are the masters. And then another master just rises to the forefront and just a kid with one eye. There's a strict hierarchy in the chimney sweeps that the hammer maniacs do not understand. Yes.

And so they go to cut the head off the snake, and they end up just creating another head of the snake. It's like, well, we just did new run. So the chimney sweeps take it. Wow. That is a... These are been upsets across the board. I didn't think the chimney sweeps had a chance.

But you put them there? Mind car level, sky boat, also a good level for them. Yeah. Super good level for them. Because they don't care. Because they have no fear. Live from your blade. Well, we only have one.

biome left. That's it. One grouping. And one grouping. And again, the biome's going to make all the difference between three Waymo's and a delivery robot named Guillermo versus the killer clowns. They're in the sewers. Oh, man. I mean, we all know the Waymo can't handle the sewers. Water kills robots. You know, this is no good. Can I say, though? I think, so the killer clowns specifically are good against organic things. Yeah. And so what they did crash their spaceship. They specifically are fueled by people, right?

And so I think my, I'm going to put this out here. This is my alternative view is that the killer clowns don't fully understand what they're against. They think that they're other organics. Yeah. So the Waymos, right? You don't think they're ray guns work against the Waymos? I think that they can. I don't know.

We've only seen them work against organic things. I actually think that they're used to organics. I feel like the Waymos might confuse them. You don't think they can't? You don't think they can? But then I think the Waymo's just going to go in and out because they're not getting any vital juices from the cotton candy. That's where they even cotton candy them in the first place.

Yeah. So they cotton candy them to suck the juices out of them like giant spiders. But the sewers are such a bad place for a Waymo and a delivery robot. I agree. They don't have much of a chance. in the sewer. Is Guillermo filled with explosives? Do they sacrifice Guillermo?

But Guillermo's filled with explosive diarrhea created. Well, what if Guillermo is filled with Euro? I think he's filled with Euro. Yeah, it is. The Waymo could be filled with

a bunch of teenagers, as far as I'm concerned. But you're screaming bachelorets? Yeah. Who is controlling these robots? People from Philippines. Yeah, people from Philippines. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. So I'm pretty certain that. There's people in there. See, the thing here is that I could see them struggling. And I guess defeating the Waymo's is just immobilizing them. Yeah. But they do that to themselves. And I think the Waymo, as we know, I know there's only three, but as we saw during

the protests out here in L.A., you call a Waymo, you destroy it. Another one just comes. I know, that's the thing. I do think that they are Legion. Yeah, they kind of don't stop. I know there's three, but I feel like there's more. I do think that we say that there's three, but there's more. But how do they get down there?

They should keep going down the subway stairs. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. They'll find a way. You know, like, driving into the subway and smashing them. I think the Waymo's beat the killer clowns. I think the way. But we can't, but the Waymos can't be infinite, though. No.

No, yeah, yeah, yeah. They have access to three at any time. But are they now stuck in the sewer? Yes. Yes. get them out of there. Well, I mean, we'll get to that when we get to the next level. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Because the next round. God, I really want the killer clowns to win, but I don't know if they win. I think they beat, I think the waymo's in this instance. I think mob them and beat them in this instance. Yeah. Because they're used to organics. Yeah. All right.

I think the waymos do take it. You're right. Wow. God, that hurts. It does. It does. It hurts. Hey, man, that's what is all about.

Yeah. That's what it's all about. We can't always decide. God decides who wins. It's not us. We're just here. We're just conduits. And that's the first round of the Western bracket done. Wow.

Our winners, we have poison. Two Frankensteins. 15 chimney sweeps naked to the end. It's all B teams. Yeah. And the Waymo's. I mean, this has just been so much, so many upsets. Just so many upsets.

I mean, the first, when we knew that the Bears were going to take the Einz out script, and we knew Topsy was going to take. the wolves, but who knew that poison was going to take down the largest villains of the 20th century. We just got to bring him to Austin. Yeah. Well, all right, so now we have to, now for the second

match, for each one, we're going to flip a coin to decide which of the biomes they have previously fought in, they fight the semifinals in. Correct. Correct. Correct. Correct. Yes. So now we have the two one, the first seed of the semifinals is.

That is the Montauk Boys, With Barack Obama, there's three Montauk, or actually two Montauk boys in Barack Obama. And a chair. And a chair. And, of course, whatever interdimensional creatures, they may want to summon against the starting lineup of, the starting defensive lineup of the 1985 Chicago Bears. Wow. Minus refrigerator Perry. Minus refrigerator Perry was lost.

Yeah. All right. So let's flip the coin. Let's flip the coin to see whether they will battle in the ice world or molasses. Yeah. Yep. Which one is which? Heads is Ice World, Tales is Malasses.

Iceworld! Big disadvantage, 85 bears. What are you talking about? Soldier Field, they play on ice. No, boys fly. The Mottek boys are flying. All right, have you ready for this? Brock Obama is their biggest person, right?

Their most important fighter? Chicago. He loves the Bears. He loves the bears. He's going to be enamored. He can't believe he's. gets to meet the Chicago Bears. 14-year-old Barack Obama is going to lose it.

He's not going to be able to fight. Seriously, he's being... Mike Singletary? He has spent the last year in fake time in a time fold being bred on Mars. Yes. He misses seeing the Bears live so much. And so the 85 bears, they are... Football is very religious.

You know, like, I imagine most of the Montauk boys are giants or jet fans. Sure. But the thing is... Being even around Super Bowl... Winners. As a Miami Dolphin guy, the 85 Bears are a special team that everyone just kind of likes. Yeah. Yes. Yeah.

So everyone wants to meet the bears. Everyone wants to be a part of the 85 Bears. And this crew specifically was around in the mid-80s when the Super Bowl shuffle was at its peak. Right? Like we are looking at this. We are seeing... These boys are going to be so

starstruck. They're not even going to know how to fight. I actually think you might be correct. Yeah. I think that the boys here might be so overwhelmed by the 85 bears. We haven't even talked about Dick, though. No, I think that they're there. Dick is not a part of this. It's just the starting lineup.

I think that they sign a bunch of autographs, right? They get the kids that are waiting, and then they were like, okay, yeah, you guys. You don't want to take some pictures? And they're all like, yeah, yeah, pick pictures. And then eventually they're like, are you guys ready? And they're like, yeah. And then just drown all the boys. Yeah, and then who gets, guess what happens?

Richard Dent gets the chair. Wow. Wow. But I do believe that Barack Obama does know the future, explains it to him. Let me let him go. And he's got to go back. He goes back in the time portal.

Yeah, he's the only Montag boy that a bear doesn't take his football helmet and just beat his head in with it. Yeah, because I definitely, yeah, wow. Yeah. Okay, so yeah, the 85 bears take it. Yeah, ice world. Easy. Now they own the ice world, too.

Yes. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. And that is in the ice world. And so next up in the quarterfinals, it is Topsy, the elephant, and Whitey, a little beaten up from the wolves. Because the wolves definitely did a little bit of damage. Oh, sure.

Bites, but they're fine. Versus the Grimlins ripoffs, I think the Grimlins ripoffs, take them down. I think, you know what it's going to be? And, like, is someone who's a huge Topsy fan, it doesn't want Topsy to lose this, I think that a Critter and a goooly could crawl up inside Topsy and eat the important organs and then come back out the ass. We also forget. Elephants, they get scared by things they don't recognize. Yeah, scared of mice, you know, stuff like that.

I think that it knows a wolf. Yeah. And it's not afraid of a wolf. Yeah, it knows a human. But I think it sees a munchy, he's freaked out. Yeah, I think so. And he tosses Whitey. Yeah.

Whitey breaks his neck. ripped apart by critter. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I think that Topsy is eventually overwhelmed. I think Topsy is like, it's honestly because the thick skin... But we haven't decided the biome. Oh, what is the bio? That's that?

What is the biome? So we have either... The Hardy's parking lot. The Hardy's parking lot or lava world. Lava world. Honestly, I don't think this really makes much of a difference. No. I mean, but it would be nice to take the troll out of the lava.

Yeah. It's the parking lot. Yeah. Wow. Okay, good. So this is good. This is going to level the problem. playing field for the future, we're going to say

the trolls and they're going to be Topsie. I think that they win. I think Topsie is frightened by what he's seen. And I really do stand by. They're going to go inside of Topsie and eat out its kidneys and its heart and shit. Critters is going to eat them from the inside out. Yeah. I don't think you really stand

a chance, unfortunately. And do you think that Whitey is going to pass up a chance to just leave and party with the Munchy? Oh, you think you can go to be like, how do I eat pussy in space? I'm pretty sure Whitey cracked his head open and it's just convulsing on the sidework. Honestly, I can really see that for him. Yeah, okay.

Yeah, I can see that for him as well. I can really see that for him. Unfortunately, yeah, no, these munchies are, they're tough. Yep, take them down. Done. Yeah, done. So, yeah, the gremlin's rip-offs taken. Wow, man.

This is crazy. This is awesome. I like that we got lots of little guys. Yeah, me too, always. All right. So the next one. We have poison versus two Frankenstein. Okay, again, the biome's really going to tell a lot here.

And the biome is either going to be Austin 6th Street, is Austin 6th Street, Saturday night heads, or Skyboat. Sixth Street. Man. Okay. Okay. So, yes, originally, this works for poison. Yes.

Right? They got them, they got the thing going. The crowd has killed Epstein. They're now doing, now they're on their car. cover set. They played all the hits already. They're on the cover set. They're unfortunately forced to play Rock You Like a Hurricane. Yes.

Two Frankenstein monsters show up at the concert to attack them. This is what I'm thinking. I think the crowd goes to the Frankenstein Monsters side. Well, they love a big dumb guy. If a Frankenstein's monster showed up and it was

seeing poison, first thing I'd be like, no shit is Frankenstein's monster, right? Yeah. I know. The Biggsons are bigger star than poison. Most, much bigger star. Poison's like, oh, everybody, we got to fight the Frankenstein's monsters.

Yeah. And everyone's like, fucking crazy? Yes. Well, I think it's like in Texas, their mind always goes to football. Like, think that boy. I put him on defense next year. Wow. We might be able to take down them Aggies.

Yeah, they're going to try to make them cowboys. Because I've seen, because the Frankenstein's monster, if lure does hold, you can play the electric guitar. Some of them can play the key tar. I've seen that a couple of times at Universal Studios. They can dance and sing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

I think that they go on stage. Poison thinks that they can have the same mandate. They take the audience hostage because the audience is so excited to watch Frankenstein's monsters take over the keyboards and the. guitars. They're already playing the songs. Everyone's like, oh my fucking God, I had no idea they could shred. Now they've lost the audience. Frankenstein's

monster. This is the best shit I've ever seen. Who says six streets changed? Has nothing for the good... Who said that six streets different? This is what we like. That's the other thing about Texans.

Speaking of, being a tickle people. Very fickle, not very loyal. They're going to switch from poison over to the Frankensteins immediately. I just think the frankenstines quickly physically overwhelm them and then they have the people backing them up if they even try to fight

against them. I feel like they're going to fucking start running the fucking Frankensteins for Senator. Yeah. You're immediately going to be like, how do you feel about gun control? I know you're any time. I know you're pro-life. Fire bad.

All right. So the Frankensteins take it. Wow. And Austin 6th Street. Really, the the factor. I think they're the greatest enemy in the bracket. It really is. It's the people of 6th Street.

Yeah. And having just almost been killed on 6th Street, just two weeks ago, getting caught in a mass shooting event, it is a dangerous place. It's a bit dangerous out there. Yeah. So, we have in the final quarterfinal. Wow. Fifteen chimney sweeps versus Waymo's, three Waymoes.

And we're saying Guillermo survived. I think Guillermo lived. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And it's either going to be, and this is going to be a big, actually, it's mine cart level or sewers. Yeah. Honestly. It's the sewers. I mean, these.

It's Waymos, man. No way. Yeah, dude. These chimney sweeps can fucking, they can take on sewers. They're going down little fucking pipes. These people live in pipes. They're going to crawl into, they're going to go in the exhaust pipe of a Waymo and disassemble it from the inside. I believe.

I think these fun, no way. These Waymos don't have a chance against these guys. I think they're making them street pizza. I think that they're going there doing donuts. They're fucking popping chimney sweeps left and right. They're going to kill a couple of them. Don't get me wrong. I mean, they're going to, they die just thinking.

I don't know if they understand what electronics are. Yeah, that's going to be the big factor here. I think it doesn't matter. I think it would. They've worked with ovens. These guys ain't scared of nothing. They don't understand death. They are actually.

That is true. That is also true. They have no cares in the world. They have nothing to lose. Okay, here's what I think happens. I think that a Waymo comes, hits one of the chimney sweeps. The chimney sweep rolls over and breaks the windshield. I think he goes through the windshield, and that's when the chimney sweeps realize that

these Waymoes do have some sort of vulnerability. They are not invincible. And I think the chimney sweeps use their sewer knowledge. They use their pipe knowledge to drop from above and take out the Waymos, because once you're on top of a Waymo, it's done. Waymo can't do anything. You pop its tires. You pop its tires. You fill the whole thing filled with coal.

Like, then you're fucked. If you can literally just coal dump it. I think these chimney sweeps could take apart anything. Whether it's a robot or not, I think they could just disassemble anything with their little fingers. But we also remember, not just overwhelming force. We have to understand certain things. It's hard off because we always can't have bullies just winning.

There are Gremlins. These are interchains. Chimney sweeps are interchangeable with gremlins. That's true. That's true But I still don't think they are as physically strong as a lyrican No No no no no no

We're gonna see the end of their ability Oh absolutely and they get sicker every match I believe we probably lost another five I think we lost seven Oh yeah Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah I think we lost seven So we're down to eight chimney sweeps But they do I think take the waymos

Yeah I think unfortunately they do yes Yeah yeah yeah all right I'm with it Yeah All right All right. And, man, we are down to, it's the semifinals now. It is the 85 Chicago Bears who lost nobody. Lost nobody.

They lost nobody. They're in the ice world. Yeah, they're in the ice world. And the Gremlin's rip-offs who also have not-lost nobody. Lost nobody. I think 85 bears tear the fucking gremlin rip-offs to shreds. Well, let's see. Most likely, trolls are very strong. And the biome is the parking lot.

Oh, the bears take it. Oh, God. A park lot. it, dude. I think that they've never been up... Of a Hardee's? Yeah, dude. I mean, I wouldn't want to go near the Bears and a Hardee's parking lot. I think the Bears... That's like they're...

They might as well be in Soldier Fields. Yeah, dude. I think that that is. They are more than on home turf. I think that they are... They want it more. They just beat the Nazis. They just beat they're on a streak. Now, obviously, the Super Bowl factor's kicking in. They know how to do it in the after

season, right? They're probably not super pumped that they just had to beat a couple of teenagers to death, though. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's probably going to fuck with them a little bit. They left Barack Obama go. No, but they had to kill the other two. Yeah, yeah, and the chair. You really don't think they care that much.

If there are things, if winnings on the line, they are like hopped up on cocaine. Yeah, and they killed them. The boys were their enemy. They were told to kill the boys. Yeah, they were told to kill the boys. And I also think, you know, because the thing with the little guys, you always,

It's the numbers that really make it because you always want to like, well, why can't you just kick them to death or stomp them to death? And in this case, they can. And in this case, there are... I really think they can. Yeah, there are 10 incredibly athletic men. We're wearing pads.

We've never seen... Again, we've never seen a gremlin rip-off against trained men. No. It's always like kids. And go to cops. They go against cops. But cops are not necessarily trained.

But they're always small-town cops. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, they did go up against, you know, Space Corporation once. Once. But they beat them. No, they did. They lost.

That was Critters for. Yeah. Yeah, they did lose. But. Yeah, they're not the Viet Cong. Yeah. And well, they did go against the, I mean, in Critters too, that was the whole plot, was, you know, the Crites Hunters come. And, you know, they were armed.

But we have one critter. We have one. We got one critter. Yeah. And like I was saying earlier, the Critters ball really is the big thing here. Yeah. But I think. If they had the Critters ball, we could talk.

Sure. But I think that the Bears here, they're on. Again, they're on a roll. They're in the zone. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's the thing. Even when they fuck up, they win. I think they might lose a couple of guys.

Yes. I think a critter does take down. A critter is an incredibly dangerous character. It is. And I think that they do, but I think that they kill the munchy and the gooly. And I think that they eventually didn't take them all down. The troll is very strong. Yeah, but I still think it's killable.

I say, let's take out two bears. Yeah, take out two bears. Yeah, but they win. Maybe a cornerback and a, we'll say one of the defense, another defensive lineman because, you know, they go inside. Yes, it's like nine. From the outside. We have nine bears.

Nine bears. Oh, no, no, we have eight. Got it. Because we lost the fridge. Yeah. Early. Got it. Great.

All right. So eight bears. Yep. Eight 85 bears are in the final. In a Hardy's parking lot. In a Hardy's parking lot. Well, no. The biomes do we have a home.

The last ones that don't. We'll make the announcement. Yeah. We will make the final biome. The, last, the semifinals in the Western Converts. I mean, this is, I think this is a gimmie.

It's two Frankensteins versus eight chimney sweeps. All right, let's just see where they fight. Yeah, we'll see where they fight. This might be my favorite final outcome we've ever had. Yeah, and they're doing, and it's in the sewers. I'm sorry. But I mean, Frankensteins do really well in sewers.

Yeah. Even if they got a duck, you know, they're still going to And their natural empathy only goes so far. Yeah, no, they kill children. Yeah, I mean, they have... They have a... But they throw that kid in the lake. No, they think that he's going to throw her in the lake, and then he doesn't, I think.

Yeah. Right? I think it's just a fear. It was real... But I think that was a little girl. And these are little dirty boys. Evil boys. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think they're tearing them. I think it's... This might be the quickest fight. Yeah, I don't think they stand a chance. And I think that they're happy that it's just over. Yeah, they don't care. at all. I think they're happy that... They don't even know what life is. They finally get to die, and

it's kind of in a cool way. Yeah, they don't get to burn and suffocate. Yeah, I think this is much better for them. Being killed by Frankenstein's monster for a little boy? Beating a death in a super? That's like the biggest... The only bigger is being stolen by Santa Claus. Yeah, yeah. The only thing I can see

is a bigger, funner thing for a little boy to happen. Fuck. So this is like, I don't know. I feel like this is just going to be an explosion of fight. I mean, this is an incredible... I would pay so much money to watch our finals live. Yeah. And the finals, of course, are being held.

It is eight, 1985 Chicago Bears, defensive players only, versus two Frankensteins, and they are going to be fighting in Nurember! Whoa! The final fight takes place in the ultimate arena of justice, the hanging fields of Nurember. Now, I will say the Bears, as much as I think the Frankenstein's probably going to take it. The Bears just killed Nazis. So this kind of gives them a home field.

The 85 Bears versus this is by far the most even heat. This is the bears have been thinking about this, probably since the beginning of this, thinking about hope we get to fucking play against the van the Frankenstein. I'm certain that these were the other guys

they were looking forward to seeing. Yeah. Right? Because that's what I would say. Hanging out. Yeah, yeah. I mean like, oh man, this is crazy. I love these guys. Yeah, yeah. They're definitely like, even, these are handshakes before the fight. Yeah, just been like, I'm sorry it's us. I'm sorry we got to do this again. You're like, dude, man, but fucking good game.

We'll see you out there, you know. Yeah. And, you know, it's a big field. A big field is good for the bears as well. It is. But do fires? Do the bears know to set a series of fires? I don't know if they do.

I don't think they read. And especially a book written by a little girl. Oh, wow. Yeah. But even the movies. Mary Shelley. You know the 85 bears at this point, at least no Frankenstein says fire bad. Yeah, that's true.

Right? That's the only thing we know he says. We know that they probably know that Frankenstein goes, Ah, fire bad. Yeah. And I know what it is. I think what's going to be the downfall for the bears here against the Frankenstein's monsters is that I don't think of Frankenstein's monsters have to worry about endurance.

No. I think that they just keep going and going and going. And the bears don't have any weapons. Yeah. And they can't disassemble these bodies. I don't think they have a chance. So let's say they get into hand-to-hand combat one by one. Yeah.

So they all have to get into full-on knuckle dragon fight one by one just like because bear knuckle fight. Well, they're tackling and shit. They're going to hit them. You know, they got the football pads on. Yes. but like what's the end result like in the very very end the very end it's going to be

Boris Karloff versus Richard Dent most likely and then of course the Guillermo del Toros Frankenstein versus Mike Singletary that's going to be the big final fight and I think the bears are going to put up a real good fight a very very very good fight

I just don't think the Frankenstein's ever stop yeah I don't think that's the problem I don't think they're going to be able to do it Like Singletary. I think we're going to have to say they do. I wish I could phone a friend or something. I wish that I could call an expert or something.

Think about this, though. The 85 bears take away any rules. Take away not being able to chop block, not being able to go to the knees. They don't got to worry about ad deals. I mean, I think that they could take out the knees. And if you take out the knees on a Frankenstein... Then he'll just be on the ground and fucking rip your arms off. they are in a film one thing I as a big man who got into a lot of fights when I was a kid

what I would do whenever I fought a smaller person is grab them and bring them to the ground yeah oh yeah and then you yeah you destroy them on the ground you know you got to you got to you know and that's what they're going to do they're going to try and dog pile them and then they're just gonna fucking win in the pile and I don't want them to yeah I want the bears to win I want the bears to win but I don't see it happening I mean it The problem is that in order for them to win, I think that Frankenstein's monsters have to be entirely destroyed, right? So they have to be set on fire, exploded.

Yeah, like, yeah, their arms and legs have to be ripped off. Does the field of Nuremberg, they wouldn't have landmines around anywhere, right? No, just rope. And in gallows. And I don't even think you can hang of Frankenstein. No. I don't think it would matter. Yeah, it just pops off.

Yeah. Yeah. They pop it right back on. I think we have a winner. Jesus Christ. so sad. It's the Frankensteins, and they take it over the 85 bears. This is worse than when the xenomorphs beat Godzilla. We're going to get so much mail on this.

I feel like this is truly debatable. Side stories help you hotel at gmail.com. Tell us what you think, because obviously there's going to be a lot of debate people. You're going to fight this no matter what. In the end, this is why we do this. Yeah. It's to start important conversations. Absolutely.

So I feel like this is one of those where tell me why you think the 85 bears wouldn't be able to take out two Frankenstein's monsters. 8.85 bears, by the way. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, no pair. And they do have Richard Dent and Mike Singletonary, but I don't think it's going to matter. I honestly think that this is one of the most even entire competitions we've ever had. It's going to be a long fight.

It's all day. I could see it being at least an hour. Oh, dude, no, I'm watching this. Yeah, yeah, the fight's going to be. But eventually the bears will get tired. Yeah. And I just don't think the Frankensteins have exhaustion. Yeah.

No, I don't think that they do. especially if there's a storm. And that's it, ladies and gentlemen. That is the March Madness for this year. Wow. And the fields of Nuremberg are going wild. The ticker tape is going on. And tell me Frankenstein's monster, how do you feel?

Ice cream. We'll get you some ice cream. Oh, don't you worry about that. We'll get you some fire. Let's stop the fireworks. We're scaring our winners. Everybody stopped the pyro. Wow, what an absolutely amazing March Madness.

Completely correct. Yeah, every single thing that we said was correct. Every call that we made was right. And we hope that everybody enjoyed it. The people of Austin is one of my favorite things. And don't forget C.C. DeVille, stabbing Woody Allen and the kids. God, I want to see it. Can he really do it?

Oh, maybe. Mm-guess my kidneys. Can you really do it? Yeah. Do you think that if we kill Sun Yi, Woody Allen dies? You didn't know what happens? We just get to her. She'll die.

Oh, yeah. C.C. DeVille. Yeah. Oh, what a fucking absolutely townless person. Yeah. Oh, come on. Like, bann. Did it.

That's a great risk. Oh, yeah, it's good. Yeah. Poison. They did it? Poison's not my favorite of this genre. I hate the genre. Guns and Roses.

Guns and Roses transcends the genre. Yes. No, easily. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But honestly, out of, and this might be sacrilege people, probably going to hate this. I like poison better than Motley Crew. Oh, yeah, definitely, that's true. I hate Motley Crew.

Molly Crew sucks. I actively dislike Molly and Crew. I choose Jeff Leppard. If I had to pick one, I think I'd go Skid Row. Skid Row is pretty good. He's got the best voice at all of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But I'm still not picking them because I don't like them.

I'd rather listen to nothing. Don't have to. But you don't have to listen to nothing. If you go to Patreon.com slash podcast on the left and you can give us money to listen to our shows at free. You can also see last stream on the left live. IPMPST every Tuesday. Don't we get to follow us on Instagram and TikTok at LP on the left

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Cincinnati. I'm so excited to play the Taft Theater named after our fattest president. I can't wait to eat your chili and see my family. Come make me look good in front of my mother-in-law. Cincinnati, Taft Theater, April 25th, May 29th, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, Carnegie Music Hall of Oakland. Saturday, June 27th, Grand Rapids, Michigan, GLC Live at 20 Monroe, July 17th, Tulsa, Oklahoma, Keynes, Ballroom, and July 18th, Oklahoma City at the Tower Theater. And of course, you can see me next Friday, April 3rd, good Friday at the Lyric Hyperion here in L.A. with Amber Nelson, going to be a fucking hoot and a heath. Tickets for that are available on... Any two is that coming. Fuck yeah, bro!

Hell, sweet Satan. Oh, y'all game. We'll see you next week. Hail Frankenstein's monster. Hail Frankenstein's monster. I'm running good.