lemonparty - 197: Love Is in The Air

Episode Date: July 29, 2026

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Cut your thumb, Ben? Oh, yeah, what is that? This is actually, it's a sports injury. It's not from texting. It's not from hateful texting. You didn't hit in so hard you sprained your thumb. I found out there was a new pedophile at the comedy store, and I texted so many people. That's why I never show up to the comedy store, because they banned all my friends.

Yeah. All the pedophiles. It's kind of funny, like, in America where, like, everybody finds out a guy's a pedophile, and it's like, don't say anything. I'm like, you should absolutely say something, right? Yeah, it is funny, but it's like... But you just get sued, I don't know. Yeah, it's the law, it's the legal thing. It's, yeah, the legal, the, this country's way of, the, the wild, wild west of handling things legally is a big disappointment.

It's a big disappointment. That you could ruin anyone's life over anything. Yeah. You could sue anyone you want at any time. If you're rich enough, you can ruin any single person's life. You're wrong and you will eventually be proven to be wrong, but this person had to go higher. Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter at all.

A billboard lawyer for a year. The guy who invented windshield wipers. I think it was like General Motors, like suit him into oblivion basically drummed to the point of killing himself. I saw the movie, Jay's great flick. Identity the movie? There's a movie with Greg Kinnear with the whole movie. the trailer, I remember laughing so hard, the trailer's like windshield wipers,

like, you know, just working in the rain. Sure. It's Greg Kinnear in court, and he's like, I came off with that. And there's another guy sitting there, like, no. That seven-year stretch where every executive was like, what the fuck do we do with Greg Kinnear?

Put him in the windshield wiper movie. And then I guess Greg Kinnear's is like kind of a Christian actor or something. Is he not? You think he just does, do you think he just takes anything? I think he, He's just not getting a lot of work. Because he was in God as for real. Don't blow up the spot right now.

And Greg Kinnear and God is for real has my favorite line in the history of film. Yeah, please go ahead. Honey? So, the wife, the wife just told. Does he play Mr. Burpo in heaven? Yeah, of course he plays. Yeah. Mr.

Burpo. Mr. Burpo. Yeah. He plays Don Burpo. Padre. So this is a movie about a guy whose kids said he went to heaven and he saw it. Yeah. And the kid, like, is, like, adamant.

Like, I went to heaven, you idiots. Like, listen to me. And he came back. And he came back. He had a near-death experience. And the wife is like, I don't know. I mean, he's being ridiculous. And there's a scene in the trailer where Greg Kinnear is like, it's like a thematic element scene.

Like, you know, like, you know how thematic elements in like ratings for movies always meant like just a couple argued, you know? The clips that are like greatest acting of all time. Greatest acting of all time. It's just somebody screaming. It's just the divorce happening. or something. So Greg Kinnear is in the kitchen

and the wife is like not believing that the son said he went to heaven and Greg Kinnear goes, honey, he said it was real. Yeah. But with the attitude of like, you stupid bitch. You fucking idiot.

Our four-year-old son, Colton Burpoh, said heaven is for real. You dumb bitch. You stupid bitch. Our. four-year-old son had oxygen loss for 12 minutes and saw heaven. You dumb whore.

Honey, he said it was real. Beagle like, honey, don't be so daft. Yeah, honey. How could you be so uptoe? Greg Kinnear reminded me so much of my dad, dude, when I was a kid. Oh, I could see that. In Little Miss Sunshine, that's like, that's my dad. Always some plan of, like, some great thing that's about to take off.

Him and Little Miss Sunshine, like, I really connected with. Well, it's the attic thing. of like we're going to do this big performative stunt that's going to fix everything. And that's what was them going to the competition was. This is going to be the big thing that's going to save everything. Because you're a winner. And if you have the right thinking, that's all you need.

Yeah. That guy's just a dry drunk really in that movie. Yeah, kind of. A little bit sunshine is a highly underrated movie. Oh, it's a fantastic movie. I think that movie is fantastic. Yeah, great movie. I think Michael, what's his name?

The guy who wrote Toy Story 3 and 4, he wrote that. I don't know. Michael Warren. Okay. I fell asleep under in Toy Story 5. Unfortunately. On Wednesday at 10.30 p.m. Hammered.

He should have wrote a bunch of cool movies, but then, like, Star Wars basically, like, gave him $300 million to write, like, you know, like, what color is baby Yoda's lightsaber in this one? Star Wars exists. Sure. Sure. Sure. It exists. Where somebody makes two good movies in a row. They're like, hey, what if we electrocuted you with money?

It really is the death penalty is giving an artist that. much money. They basically are dead now. No, they go, they go, yeah, you can put me on a big cross and let me die. That's fine. I would love 30 million dollars. Thank you. The guy who made Moonlight. He immediately directed the two Lion King movies, right? Goon Lion King.

Coogler? No, no, no. Moonlight. Barry Jenkins? Barry Jenkins? He did? He did. He did the two Lion King movies. I guess he did. And every interview, they were like, so how was it directing Lion King? He was like, I'm a whore. I betrayed myself. I betrayed my people.

I didn't know that. That's crazy. Yeah. Did they? The two live-action Lion Kings that sucked ass. Yeah. Good. If you make good enough art, we will destroy it somehow. Yeah. Just like, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I mean, whoever made an obsession, they're probably going to hire that guy to make, like, trolls World Tour 5 or something. Oh, 100. In, like, four years. They pounce on you. Yeah. You have to deny the bag. Yeah. You have to avoid the get the bag crowd.

That Sean Baker guy, isn't that what he said that he turd, he goes always be able to make a movie for like $10 million? and I'll get to make whatever I want. Yeah. But he's turning down all the blockbuster stuff where he knows he's not going to have editorial. Yeah, because every year Sean Levy walks up to Sean Baker, he's like, how would you like to cook diary

in a big pot? $20 million. You would have Josh Whedon. Are you sorry? Sean, that just made me think of Zachary Levi. Oh, no, I'm talking about Sean. Who works at Starbucks?

Who works at Starbucks? Zachary Levi. Zachary Levi, who's on my favorite Hollywood store. Zachary Levi will go live and ask people for the code at the Starbucks. I'm like, sunset and fine.

He's like, I gotta use the bathroom. Somebody posted something on Twitter the other day that made me laugh so hard about Zachary Levi. Zachary Levi was so, he was so hard up for a job

that he tweeted at one point. He goes like, The Last of Us is awesome. I used to love playing that video game. What an entertaining show. And then he acts the creator of the show. And he goes, I'd love to do anything in this show.

if you could make it happen. Like begging for a job. Please. Publicly. And he's doing this in the drive-thru of like a wah-wah. Because he's delivering a DoorDash order. He's like, the Harold and the Purple Crown money went quick. I thought they were going to make Shazam 3.

I fucked up. And instead, I think now he's like, he works for like Daily Wire. It says he's going to be in a new thing with Liam Neeson on September 11th. Liam Neeson's not even actually in that. The fix. Liam Neeson's on it. Yeah. No, that's it.

His piss stain is starring next to him. Liam St. Liam is starring as the piss. He's a class of B. Yeah. It's him on the phone just being like, I'm going to piss my pants. And I'm going to do it hard.

What did Zachary Levi play? Play played like Shazam. Shazam. Yeah. He was Chuck in TV's Chuck. Imagine like your dream is to like play Ant Man and Ant Man. versus the universe or something. And you don't get it. He was in the Kurt Rambus biopic

that I see on YouTube shorts all the time. Yeah. Yeah. He was good in that. Imagine wanting to be ant. I mean, there's ants that turn down animals. There's ants that walked in smoking a cigarette with a wife meter on. They're like, what is this shit? No, sounds gay. I kind of, you know what?

They walked out. I think we'll be in the solace. They walked out. Yeah, they went to some Jewish deli on Ventura Boulevard. They talk shit about, about, about, about Ant-Man with their other aunt friends. And he had dressed like Vince Gallow. Fucking, yeah, it's like, who the fuck needs that? I got Chloe Sevenie suck me off.

Gives a shit. I'm a fucking aunt that I get blown by Chloe Seven-Yeh. You see my aunt penis on film. I don't give a fuck. And Chloe Savine, however you say, it sucks my penis. Ant-Man sounds fucking stupid as shit. You know, that probably wasn't really his penis, by the way. Sorry.

No, no, no, go ahead. Yeah, I mean... I think it's not his penis because... People think it's real. I jacked off to it. I literally did jack off to it. To the penis? I jacked off to that whole scene.

The way he's holding it makes me believe it's not real. Yeah, he's holding it in an odd way. As if it's a stranger's penis. Yes, he's holding it like it's a penis he cut off and is holding near his... The base is his... Chloe's great. The way you'd pick up a Bratworth's that you can't get through the skin, you know? She's fantastic.

I gotta say, Chloe's 7-A. however you say it. Yeah. Just for the love of games, sucking, maybe a real penis on camera. I think it's real. I want it to be real.

Did she deny it? No, the reason I say not real. Did she say fucking deny it? The reason I say not real is because somebody, like, online was saying, like,

that wasn't your real penis. I've heard people who are on set say that was a fake penis. And Vinceigel freaked out so much. I was like, it has to be fake. Oh. If it was his real penis,

he wouldn't freak out that much about it. Well, he's nuts though a little bit that is true yeah i think it's real i mean i i just just shut the fuck sound off in the chat if you think it's his real penis create the reality what you want i i don't know made me come made me come bub believe whatever you were just a big fan you're a big fan of kids i just i just like i like knowing that like when i think chloe sevenye is so down i think she's such a fucking artist truly like an actual like an actual Truly an artist. She's willing to do anything that I did believe that she did that.

And I've watched it on X Hamster. Don't you feel so sad, Jackie off to X Hamster? Oh, yeah. It's horrifying. When you come and you look in the left corner, you see that little hamster emoticom. Jay, it's horrifying. And every time I do it, I think that they stole all my money from my bank account. I don't know how it's not hacking my phone. Don't you? Don't you love it? There's like 18 different like pages open that I had to exit out of in this like mad scramble of like essentially being like a cocaine

addict for my cock. I'm like, why am I doing this? I'm like holding my dick in my hand and I'm exiting out of pages. I'm like, ah, that's, you're lying to me. You have to run out of the porn like Indiana Jones. Like shit is closing behind me. I just keep replaying the video

and it goes to another fake page. I have to exit out of that. Then back to the real page. Then I hit play again. Then it goes back to a fake page. And then it opens your Stubhubh app out of nowhere. And then it,

finally plays though but it finally plays and it's smooth sailing my man it's smooth sailing I love the idea Devin getting like a motel room like it's a hooker but he just gets on a hamster I book a motel 6 in Victorville to jack off to Chloe 7 yeah's brown bunny scene you get up

Devin I've literally done that you're driving 330 miles out of L.A. getting a motel. You know you have a laptop. You just get on your phone. Yeah, the Wi-Fi is shitty. And by the way, I'm literally not even attracted to Chloe 70. I'm just like, wow, you're dirty.

The audacity. I'm like, the audacity. I'm like, this is a real movie. You did this in a real movie? It's wow. It's nuts. It's more so just like, it's just like, I'm just proud of like the artist. I get it.

And it makes you horny. I hope she ever, if she ever, where to ever find that out, I hope she understands where I'm coming from. I think she would respect that a lot. I think if we saw her at dinner, you should say all of this to her. Walk up. I completely tell her that. At Bestya, walk up to her.

I got added by a porn star once, like, back when I was, like, first doing comedy. Forget her name, something Martinez. And they added me because they, like, whatever, they were, like, retweeted my jokes. And I was like, I was like, I've jacked off to you for years. Thank you. And then my friends in comedy, really, you shouldn't have said that. And I was like, what are they? How do you compliment?

I don't... What? Did they respond to that? No. They said LOL or something. But everyone made me feel bad about it. I was like, but the fucking, that's what you fucking do. I don't really...

What? Ma'am, can I shake your hand? How do I tell you what you've done for me? You've done a lot for me. You should go to the ABA Awards. I didn't jack off to her for years. I didn't even know who the fuck she was. Pay this to her.

Bub. Do you have her now. Be like, I fucking lied. I'm a liar. I fucking lie. I'm a liar. but you're a whore. Didn't even know who you were.

You're a bad whore. And you're bad at being a whore. God. You're not even out there. Like the other whores. Jesus Christ. Why do you get a fucking publicist? We need to send you to the Avian Awards one year, I think.

I'd be a great at the Avian Award. I think you would love it. You'd be like me at St. Andrews. I would just start crying. I'd be like, did you know Shaila Stiles? Did she ever give you any last words? I would just keep bringing up like like, like, like, like, born star. I'd be like, did anyone, was anyone looking out for her?

I go, no, no, it's the porn industry, so no. Some jacked guy, it looks like his veins are full of cum. He'd be like, what? Yeah, because he's been injecting liquid viagra to his forehead for years. I'd be like, lean on the plug, come on. This guy's a bozo. Why'd you come on with me? Ah.

Come on. I could treat. You go to a porn star. I can treat you good, lean to the plugs. These guys are a mozo. I go, the people you bang are like mozos. Why don't you give a lover a chance? I mean, do you know what I offer?

Chicken baby. I go, I walk up doing a dance. Flexing. To no music. I walk up to them going like this. You see that? You see that? Chicken baby.

Chicken baby. Hang on. How about you, me, my house, real time with Bill Maher. For some of the same, picture, do you dress like Rob Schneider when he goes on, like, Jordan Peterson? Like a poker, like a blackjack dealer that's on vacation. Wearing a fedora too bad for Fadora guys. Fadora guys are like, I would never wear that. Like a yellow.

And then it's like, chicken, baby. You, me, my couch, my dog that bites people, Belmont. It would be so funny. They're so horrified. They accuse Devin of rape at the AVI Awards. They're me-toeing. They're me-toeing Devin Costa. Women who have been actually raped and didn't say anything.

They're like, rape, rap, rap. James Dean puts me in a headlock. I'm like, I've heard you're a rapist. He's like, I'm back, baby. I'm back and better than ever. I'm back, baby. We're going to send you to the Aviana Awards. I'd love to go.

I actually, I really appreciate fans of things. It's a very interesting thing. And usually they get a lot of shit. Like, we were just talking about the Marvel guys. Yeah. Yeah. Like, do you remember when Brie Larson took a photo of that guy? Yes.

You know what I'm talking about? I think about it all the time. I think about that picture all the fucking time. There was like a fat white, like, comic book looking guy with like a shirt that's two sizes, too small for a tucked into cargo shorts. And Brie Larson, the girl that was with Charlie Sheen and got AIDS. Captain America. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, Prie Larson, yeah, the girl who was in a room. and then played Captain America.

I'm thinking of Brie Olson. My apologies. Yeah. Apology accepted. I think it was her. I didn't see a movie. It was. It was.

She took a photo of this guy and said he saw Captain America. No, he saw Captain Marvel. He just told me he saw Captain Marvel 87 times or something like that. He's my biggest fan or something. She took a photo of him. She was like, let me take a photo of you and upload it to social media. And it was a photo. The guy looked like Clayface if he was made out of Oldcom.

That's what he looked like. Yeah. He looked so. You could smell him. And that's her version of doing porn. Yes. She felt like a porn star. Yeah, yeah.

People in the comments were like, how dare you tweet his picture? How dare you do this? Because he looks like the smiling friends guy who's going to kill himself. Right, right, right, right. He looked like one of the guys from the Meet the Laker Girls event. We talked about one time. The hearties. Can you pull that up then?

And this did bad for Brie Larson. What is it? It's Captain what? Captain Marvel. Brie Larson, Captain Marvel. biggest fan maybe. Biggest fan, yeah. I think about that guy sometimes.

I think about it all the time. And then people shit on like the millennial Marvel people. And we've done that too. But then I'm going 15 years into the future. And I think I'm going to miss them when they're all dead. And like that guy is different to me because a Marvel fan sees a Marvel movie once. And they go, that was fucking epic.

This guy would have been doing son of Sam murders if it wasn't for the Marvel movies. And I love that. Bree Larsson seems like a bitch. She's got some nice. titties though I'll give her that yeah Devin I like that does she she does devon she fucking does devon she fucking does devon go to google Ben yeah because X you gotta type of exactly X is terrible lucy nicotine pouches guys there's only one pouch we trust to keep us

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There's no way Brie Larson has. Pull up Brulerson's tits. There's no way to breathe. I am furious right now. Brularson doesn't have great tits. She has great tits, Devon. I don't know what you're talking about. You're fucking full of shit.

I'm sure they're completely normal tits. No, they are not. Brie Larson is great tits. You don't appreciate tits. Type in tits, Ben, please. Ben, type in tits. Okay. Are those real?

Yes, they are real, Devin. I would know. I thought she lost a much of weight and lost those suckers. They're still pretty big. Well, that's clearly Photoshop. That's not real. But that one in black, Laureliff's corner. That one in black?

To the right, to the right, to the right. This one? No, right there. Left there. That is real. That is real. Those are good. See?

Thank you. But she's like a bitch. She's like a feminist and like doesn't like anyone knowing she has tits. Ben, I got it. Bree Larson, he saw Captain Marvel. Type in Bree Larson, he saw Captain Marvel. God, this fucking guy. There he is.

140 times. Why did she do this to him? This is the start of a Netflix documentary. By the way, did you guys see that video? You guys see that that lady? What? That went on TikTok and goes... Can you zoom it on his face?

Can you zoom it on his face real quick? Is there no video to this? No, it's just a pick. And you can see... Look at him. And scroll that into her face button. Her face is so appropriate. Just being like, kind of like this guy might have made me.

Look at his fingers, too. Look at his fingers. He looks like he fucking sells his fingers at Portillo's. You know he's got blacksmith hands from jacking off in theaters. He's got calluses all over those. You know, that's why his coat is like weather. It's like a weatherproof like for jacked off. He's terrified.

If you do the math, he spent 14 days watching Captain Marvel. This is worse. Oh. This is worse. Where's a raincoat for guns? Yes. He's got a. He goes to Patagonia because he jacked.

He had to get a second raincoat because there was too much common in. Going to R.E.I. And being like, I jack off a lot. What's the most waterproof? Come wise, rain jacket, you sell? This is scarier than room. Can I see what the comments are? What was people's response to this on Reddit?

I mean, it's just Reddit comments. It just Reddit hacks, being Reddit hacks, yeah. Fucking piece of shit. You know what sucks is that that poor girl has to pretend like he just saw that movie 180 times because he loved the movie. She has to pretend like it's not because he's been like making dolls of her at his house. In respects women. Sorry, Devon, what were you about to say about the lady?

Okay, so there was recently, Ben, maybe could look this up. It's not funny. Okay. But a lady went on TikTok and she made a video where she goes, she goes, that, there's a trend on TikTok where you write, like, the beginning of that Netflix documentary. Because, and then they play out. Right. And then they sit down. They sit down.

And she goes, she goes, my husband, I just found out is a pedophile. The next day, the husband came over to her play. and killed her and killed himself. After she posted a TikTok. Do you think he was? Yeah. Why did I respond to that? You know, Devin, I'm a great actor.

God damn it. Shocking case out of Oklahoma. Shocking case. Oh, wait, Devin, can you play NBC on YouTube? You do this on air watch. Yeah, yeah, yeah, you can. Can I say just really quickly? I love that every newscaster to compete with TikTok now does that voice over the most horrific.

The great. Well, that's shocking news. Woman killed. Shocking news. Woman's head blow to bits. Woman butchered by pedophile husband up next. Yep. Even NBC does like TMZ voice.

After she jumped on a TikTok trend. It says preparing for when Netflix drops with Dr. Cermanery about my soon-to-be ex-husband who I just found out as a pedophile. She sits down. Like she's about to, you know, be interviewed for the Netflix doc. Yeah. Like she's about to say like, so what are you want to start?

The next day he broke into her place and killed her. accusing her husband of being a pedophile to more than 30,000 followers. Acusing her husband. The post is part of a social media trend that mimics Netflix documentaries. This guy sounds like he does like color commentary for the Cubs. I know. It's Casey Casey. Why is he so insane? Her husband accused us sleeping with children.

Cut her head clean off. Oh, and a jeep ball to left center field. He cut her head clear off. Now here's the Bee Gees, whole lot of woman. Posting this, Gilson was dead. Shot by her husband, Jeremiah Duffy, according to police. He then took his own life. Look at him.

He looks at him. He looks like a guy who just killed his wife. He looks like a human barbecue spice. That guy, yeah, he is if a black top grill became a human. A black stone. It looks like a guy you'd run into at Skangfest. Yeah. A guy at Skank Fest who's being too agro for Skank Fest.

That, like, Lewis has to be like, like, dude, you got to, like, chill or like, we've. Because you just tried to rape one of the ring girls. The guy who loves the Punisher, but also is ennambla. Yeah. He's such a funny guy. Yeah, the guy who loves the Punisher except in the show when he fights a cop, he starts booing and screaming and pissing himself. Kilsen had been granted an emergency protective order against Duffy in June after he was accused of molesting a minor.

We'll stay on top of this story and bring you any updates as they come in. We thank you for whiner. Jesus. We'll stay on top of that. That was real. I thought that was pretty funny. Yeah, I think that was funny. Actually, Devin, I disagree.

It's good stuff. You're right, it was funny. I mean, I'm laughing. I'm laughing. I do love the news also being like, interesting story, though on the whole basis of it is just like, isn't life hell?

Isn't chaos raining over the hell we've created? Huh? Anyway, stay tuned. NBC, stay tuned. Stay tuned. Here's a video of a gorilla getting his head blown off at a zoo. Isn't life a hell on earth?

Stay town. Ben Ben's been fucking, you gotta stop going to the comedy store, man. I know. Oh yeah, we started talking about pedophiles again. Yeah, too many pedophiles at the comedy store. Look, I got to keep one foot in there just so I, you know, I got kids. Sure. So I do comedy to, you know, just for connoisseons.

Keep it on them. You do comedy that's like walking Phoenix and like I'm still here or whatever. whatever the fuck. What is that movie? He's killing everybody with a hammer. Oh, you were never really here. You were never really here. Totally different thing, but. Based in both, though.

Both based. Both great movies. I love them both. No, it's crazy. The stories that they come out. It's not even crazy. It's actually very normal and believable. Yeah. We can't talk about it on the show, but you might hear a new story about a new pedophiles. It'll come out in a couple weeks. It'll come out in a couple weeks. About 80 people told me an article's being written. written. And then I had to know that. And then we hit up everyone we ever knew in comedy and they

all confirmed that they knew about it. They said, oh yeah, that's true. This guy is a vicious pedophile. Everyone knows, apparently. It's unbelievable. Everyone knows everything. Anyway, stay tuned. Yeah. Because we don't want to get sued by pedophile. It sucks that pedophiles are allowed to sue you for calling them a pedophile. Literally if somebody brings a lawsuit forth, though, like, this guy called me a pedophile. It's like, you should be you should kill them for being a pedophile comics love to sue people who hurt their feelings yeah comics are gay pussies you think that's what's going on with a fucking comics are gay pussies quote start quote comics are gay pussies end quote apostrophe jsaver 2027 do you think that's what's

happening with uh with red bar you think he's being sued i don't know by pedophiles i've that's a rumor I've heard but also apparently that would be public but I thought I thought I guess it would be public information. Well, I thought you could just, a lot of things could be settled out of court and then out of, I don't know. Yeah, I don't know. Yeah, I really don't know. But they're settled for like $200,000. I think also you can agree to not settle and just drag it on to drain somebody of money. He might just be like depressed about the fact that like every week there's 20 channels that do a, you know, a summed up quick bullshit version. You know what kind of fucked me up with the Tom and Christina thing happened and I went on YouTube like six hours.

later and there were like three like nine hour documentaries about their divorce but there's no info but they're doing but they're still doing like a documentary on it but there's no info on but they're just playing old footage of the podcast a couple moments where it's like whoa look yeah they play a nine minute clip of them interviewing al frankin and then the guy's like so obviously shit was fucked up yeah you're like why you why you fucking exist yeah put some comment there's There's not, there's not, we have no, we have no clue. I can't keep track of them. I click on, I go, I go, oh, it's the, I think this is a New Zealand guy.

Yeah. This is a New Zealand voice? Oh, every day you guys send me a new video and I'm like, is this good? And they're like, no, he stinks, but just watch it. And I do watch, I do enjoy it. I was listening to the Tom and Christina one you sent over while I was driving to the post office the other day. It's good stuff. Another great.

I was in all. You have to. I mean, look, look. You got to keep up. We're in the business. Yeah. You got to keep up. And I think Tom...

It's my... It's my field. Yeah. I don't want to get left behind. Yeah. And also, I think Tom is a good guy. I think it was Christina. It was her fault.

Cigaro didn't do anything. Sigurro never did a thing. Besides everything. So does everything he's ever done? Cigre didn't do anything. He's just not... How do you blame... How do you blame a ghost?

How do you pin it on a dead guy? How do you blame a dead man? How do you arrest a court? You kidding. How could he do anything wrong? He was never home, Your Honor. What? Because he hated his family. How do you blame a human pill?

So, yeah, we can't get sued by them because we just offended him. But yeah. Anyway, no. I think women are more loyal than men. Yeah. I guess. Yeah. 100%.

Yeah. Like, in terms of, like, she loved him when he was, like, fat and, like, ugly and, like, bald and, like, had no money. Yeah. But what was she? She killing it? His wife? She kind of started making it because of his success as well, right? Interesting.

So maybe it's not all on Chi-Chi Obama. This is how you know Devin watches all the videos because they always take the middle ground at the end and then ask people for their thoughts. I actually did they do that? Usually that's what the videos do. Every video I ever watched about this was all like Tom Sigurra's like obviously. A lot of people are mad about this, but also I could see how people like are happy about it. but you could be mad. They say everything. I don't know. Let me know in the comments

if you're mad or happy, because honestly, like, I could see it going also the other way, too. Yeah. Thanks. Bye. You know, at the end of the day, the sky is blue, the grass is green. I gotta say, like, for a bad guy, 18 years is pretty good. It's more than most people last.

That's fair. You know? Glass houses. How long did he last rich? Four years? About, about, about, About nine days before he started cheating. And about five years before he got caught.

How long have they been rich for? I'm going to say since like 2018. Bro's pocket watching. They've been like rich, rich. Eight years. Yeah, eight years. Pretty good amount of time. But I think that's literally how long it took for him to get caught cheating is the thing.

Yeah. Yeah. I guess so. Which on the road, you know, you're probably cheating a lot. Oh, sure. Before you get caught. Sure. You know what I mean?

Yeah. That's why we all do the road. Yeah, exactly. So we can all fuck each other in the hotel room before the show. We all suck. It looks like that scene in Fargo where they're all fucking those two fat whores while Johnny Carson's playing. Oh, but you guys are both fucking me. Yeah, while we're watching Elephant Graveyard videos and smoking cigarettes.

You're fucking me and yes. We all fuck each other and then we come and then it's us in bed just smoking cigs while it's like. And so the thing about Joe is like he's always been looking for a father figure. We're just like, the judge is going to sentence Tom to time with his kids. He's screaming. Yeah. Dragging him out of court.

This might be worse for him because then he'll have to have custody of his kids a certain amount of time, which means he'll actually have to spend time with them. No, I know. Yeah. I know. It's going to be miserable hell for him. I feel bad for whatever Jamaican live in Maydie hires to watch his kids. talk to his kids like their croissants.

Yeah. He's going to put him in a cage like a bird. Try filling them with ham and fucking Swiss cheese. He's going to turn him in a human ashtray. Yeah. Put him in a big cage and throw a tarp over it so they go to sleep. Like a, like a cockatoo. Like a big cockatoo.

He's like, all right, got to go do another feeder. That's a lie, though. He's just going to buy another watch in Las Vegas. He's like, got to go buy another watch. Jace wanted. He says your name I have the best watch collection Jason's collection sucks ass

Fuck him Jace gets so mad when he sees someone's watch collection That he hates Well I watch him I watch everyone That's rough man because you're in you Yeah you're There's a watch algorithm

On YouTube where people show off their watches You do You are obsessed with things That like only the biggest pieces of shit's on earth I know That is my curse My version of watching too lazy to try Is being like

Let me check out Tom's watch collection You're like a working class watch guy. I know. It's ridiculous industry to get into. It sucks ass. To have to go online and Google like best affordable watches. Yeah. I would rather kill myself. It's like Dan Bilzerian like has one that he shoved up some lady's pussy like Richard gear with a hamster up a fucking gay guy's ass. I know my like I'm saying my version too lazy is I go and I Google Tom Seguro watch collection. I watch a video where he's talking to a watch guy. You're turning red in your gamer chair. I'm literally I'm like

watching a call. I'm watching a video where he's talking to like a watch. expert on YouTube and he's showing his collection and I'm like, oh, those all kick ass. Fuck! That's a great collection. Fuck. And then he pulls out like the most expensive like watch that I will ever buy in my entire life because I got like a good tax rate this year and I spent it all on one watch.

And he's like, I got this as a gift from my manager. It fucking sucks ass. If I ever wore this, I'd probably kill. myself and I'm like he's right my watch sucks I fucking suck Tom Siger kicks ass Yeah you're just

Worshipping the laptop Yeah Bowing down And then I watch Anthony Jocelynix Watch collection I go okay I kind of like him So this is fine This is fine Yeah I like that he threw some stones

At the manosphere but he kept it civilized He kept it civilized And then somebody tells me like oh you know that girl who Open for him for you he bought her like a submariner And I go Fuck I fucking wanted that But it costs 13 grand

Fuck I wish I had others things I don't like it when other people have things And I don't That's a rough life to be involved in man I know It looks you're never going to become like a car guy though right No that shit looks exhausting like Jay Leno's car garage

I think I'm hitting and eject on the watches Because I've kind of like I literally had like like a list of every watch I wanted to try out and I've like bought them all and so I've kind of hit like the end of that and now I've no I was talking to devil he's lying this shit for even a second he's a foolish shit no no no no

fuck you and I am an addict and I have no I am a hamster inside my own cage no no I'll never stop but fuck you I have a friend of the Bay Area watching this podcast right now and he's like shaking his head of the TV I could tell Brian I'm on to you yeah my fellow my best watch friend, Brian, who was Devin's old best friend, but I was my best friend. He's your best friend.

Because we do watches together. I think I'm done because I got to the end of like the list. And I was telling Devin before you got here, a deep emptiness is filled inside of me that I don't know what to put inside of it. But it's the meme of the guy digging and there's diamonds a little further through the dirt. And then there's the guy who quit at above him. But in watch collecting, there's not diamonds. It's just like a sewer pipeline that you almost hit that would have spread shit all over you. It's one of the stupidest hobbies. This is all going to end with Jay is like fighting Kevin Garnett. Like a watch.

A little mogulay watch. Yeah. Why would you show me it if I can't have it? Getting my ass beat by Kevin Garnett. It looks like a spider spinning like a wasp up and a big web. I'm just kicking my ass. Ben, your Tom Seguer rant on the show was fucking fantastic.

I listened to it in traffic on the way home from a, from a lake trip. I was in traffic. It was so well done. Thank you, buddy. Truly. Thank you, pal. You were saying it was like a metaphor for life.

Yeah, it wasn't even about Tom. It was just about raising kids and shit. It was great. Thank you. I'm really, Ben is fantastic. Thanks, buddy. And you're the only man in comedy who doesn't, wish his kids died every day.

I think I can confidently say that. It's like you... They wish their kids died. Yeah. It's like you and Brian Rieger are the only people who don't actively despise their children that they had for some reason.

Yeah, we actually have no... We don't know what it's going to be like when they get older. Like, there's no brawny situation. For convenience? Yeah, like, none of them have, like, let their kid on their show. Like, we haven't had, like, the situation.

I guess, has his daughter on the show. Oh, right. Yeah, but that's like whatever the fuck that is. That holy fuck, that thing drives me nuts. Do people watch that show? Apparently. Oh, yeah, it's a big show, apparently. There's like a ban that it's the whole thing.

People will attack us viciously for not thinking that that show's like really. Really? Yeah. All right, well. It's a great show. Enjoy hell. Enjoy hell tarts. I mean, it literally looks like a landlord has a podcast.

It looks like the cover of the Howie Mandel's show with his daughter, the cover of it looks like they run like an optometry. center. Like, it looks like a pamphlet for an optometry place in your neighborhood. It looks like they sell glasses. Yeah. It should be called Howard Zinstein optometry. Yeah. It looks like you can go get your sunglasses tight in there. I will say, I've been ring shopping with my fiance and everywhere we go, there's somebody who looks like Howie Mandel and his daughter.

I got the jeweler's loop, yeah. It's been very funny. My fiance doesn't want to buy anything from somebody who supports Israel. and I've just kept being like, I've got, what do you? I go, sorry, we don't have a ring. Enjoy a pebble on your fucking, on your ring finger. I've literally been having this, because we'll, like, be at, like, a new ring shop, and we'll be, like, talking to, like, the girl up front.

And she's like, yeah, this is good, like, open to get, like, on a ring. Yeah, yeah, it's good that it costs $8,000. Yeah, that's fine. That's normal. And then a guy who looks like that racist meme of Jewish people walks out from the back, and he's like, my name is Howard Flimowitz. and this is my diamond star

and you're like oh nice to me he goes he goes do you want a nice cruel loaded diamond and we're like no we wanted lab grown because we don't like when a kid's head hands cut off he goes bull fucking shit these are all black diamonds and then we leave in and she's like

do you think he supports Israel I'm like yeah do you think he supports Israel yeah I think Wado from Star Wars is a big fan of Israel numb nuts I freak out Numb nuts Calling girlfriend

Numb Nuff. And you start calling her an anti-Semite You hate Semitic You hate Semitic You hate Jewish people If you like Jewish people You would admit that they're all Pieces of shit

Yeah If you weren't fucking racist Holding this high standard No it's been actually Legitimately crazy It's been hard to No it's impossible She better like

You know Change her Thinking on that No I'm gonna I'm gonna have to get her like stone like a penguin gets i don't know what she expects yeah you want to ring pop yeah the goyum rings the ring pops oh my god enjoy your candy oh who's the lucky couple over here no of course no course no matter who you're talking to at the end of the day guy with pastrami for lips we'll walk out of

the back with like slime behind them yeah you're like oh my god you're a beautiful goye couple I love selling He goes I've got a I've got a four carrot piece of blood To sell you That would be crap Like Jesus Christ

You want to pull like a cross Like a fucking vampire And not saying this for all Jewish people Just guys who sell diamonds They suck ass fuck them San Diego diamond salesman I mean everywhere Like literally everywhere

Yeah everywhere Here in Scotland This guy pops out of the back And he goes Oh, my God. It's so funny seeing you here. My brother, Abel Bloodstein, said you came to the San Diego. Abel Bluntstein.

Just saying those guys who work in that industry, it's like the most fucked industry of all times. It's just been funny to actually experience them. We'll find it. It'll be fine. But it's just funny talking to Wado from Star Wars once every, like, two weeks. Ben, how did you get your diamond? Oh, I was completely broke. I got my great-grandmother's ring.

Oh, you didn't even have to go through the whole matrix. But she got that ring from our great-grandfather stole that from a Jewish guy in Oswitz. So that was the ring that Ben got. Really? Yeah. Oh, wow. That he proposed with a gold tooth. Okay.

No, I actually, I held onto that ring for like a year and a half. It was sitting in my closet of the house we left in together. I didn't want to propose to my wife until I felt like I was like a man. Mm-hmm. You know? Mm-hmm. And, um... So you still haven't?

Bitch. I kind of had this like... Bitches. I remember this year and a half where I'm like, how am I... Like, I got to be a man. And like, you know, I made like $10 an hour at the Chinese restaurant. Like, usually I'd make like six or $7 in tips. It was pretty bad because I was head of takeout.

So I'd do like, you know, like a hundred orders. span of like, fucking, like, four hours, make no money. Oh, yeah, yeah. And I'd ride the bus. Yeah, the guy I'm buying rings from would come in and get $400 of Chinese food. Yeah, and they put a gun to my head. Yeah, and be like, don't you dare fucking take a penny. And I, you know, I could not afford, you know, my half of the rent at all.

Like, I was just like, my debit card would get declined at, like, parking meters and shit. And, like, I would, like, disappear at, like, three in the morning. Like, but this whole time, like, I think I was like, how do I become a man? Like, how do I... And I think that's when I started kind of becoming like violent and stuff at night. You were trapped in taxi drivers. Yeah, yeah.

I thought being a man was being a violent schizophrenic man outside of a gas station at 4 am. I'm like, that's what a fucking man does. He picks fights with people and he buys a bunch of scratches outside the 76. You know what a man does? He escalates every situation he's in until one day somebody dies.

That's a fucking man. A man drinks a mickeys at 4 a.m. on the highway. And a homeless guy kind of looks at him weird because he's fucked up and I go, you got a fucking problem? And I start some shit. A real man starts fights with the homeless. A real man beats the shit out of guys with schizophrenia. That's a real fucking man.

I'm so happy I haven't had to do this yet. All right. Here we go, guys. Do, do, do. Hey, guys. here to talk about Brooklyn Bedding. Your mattress isn't just a place. It's part of your life every day.

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That's Shopify.com slash lemon party, L-E-M-O-N, P-A-R-T-Y, to start your free trial again. It's free trial today. One more time, Shopify.com slash Lemon Party. I actually really do enjoy the process, actually. I don't enjoy the people we're interacting with, but the idea of being like, here's the thing you have for your entire life. Right, right, right. That means, you know, I own you, basically.

Right, right, right. I like that. I think it's kind of fun. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. We go on to find out you bought it on, like, Venice boardwalk. Yeah.

If you look, if you look closely, it's Bob Barley smoking a joint inside the ring. A jewelers loop, it's stewie smoking weed. And I go, yeah, it costs me $8,000. It's been $120 on the Venice Boardwalk. Under the ball, under the bo-walk. But, yeah, no, it's been, it's been okay. I think also, like, buying watches has got me okay with paying. lot of money for jewelry. Spending a little bit of money on shit. If it means like something you'll have

for your entire wife. Sure. You know what I mean? So. Ben got lucky. Ben got lucky if I can pulled the, you know, he pulled that ring off that dead guy. Yeah. What was your story? Pulled the ring off a dead guy. I guess it was. It did belong to a dead person actually. So our great grandmother. I think her. Her ring? Yeah, our great grandmother's ring. So you never had to go like ring shopping? I would never do that. What? I would absolutely never do that. Why would you never do that? If you didn't have, if you didn't have that ring,

if you didn't have that ring, you wouldn't have gone that? No. So you wouldn't have kids, you would nothing would have happened. I would have just been like, hey, I want to marry you, but I don't have a ring. And I'd be like, that sucks. You'd be like, that fucking sucks. But I love you and that's all that matters. You can buy a ring.

You can buy, okay, I'll get it from one of the guys in the line. You can buy a ring for 80 bucks online. Oh, yeah, I'd buy like, yeah, I mean. But also, I propose, I reposed with like a $150 ring. I have a placeholder like Moise and Night. That's what I proposed with. So that we're shopping for the actual ring now. That's what I'm saying.

Yeah, man, I mean, couldn't be me. But you propose, you don't even get down on one knee. You're like, hey, I would, I'm not going to buy this bullshit, but you like want to get married or some shit. I would actually go up to my girlfriend. I'd be like, hey, can I borrow like two grand? You throw a sticky? I'm going to propose to you. Can I borrow money in me?

And then you spend $9, 1950 on warm beer. I get a new PlayStation, I get 400 warm beers, and I buy a shitty ring. And you propose with a decoder ring. You got out of a, like, a cereal box. You propose while playing MLB the show. Not here. He doesn't pause the game. He's like, do you want to fucking marry me?

That's a deep drive from Otani. The laptop is open because you're trying to figure out how to play MLB the show. So funny. Hey, do you want to get fucking married or some shit? No, I'm kidding. You would have given her like a sticky frog hand or something. One of those things at the grocery store. You open the little...

The George Jetson's ship. You open the little egg and then you throw a little sticky hand on her head. It also would be kind of funny, be like, hey, will you marry me? He just put the... Swir. Do you marry me? Got your ass. Then I knock her out.

What would you have done? I punch her so hard she dies. Would you have put it... Gotcha, bitch. Would you have put it all on credit? Would you have just opened a credit card or something? At that time, I had to open credit cards in my wife's name to get... You didn't have any credit for your own name?

Like, this laptop that I did, like, all of Tim's stuff with and everything, at that time, I, Mike, I didn't have a history of credit, so I had to... get a Best Buy credit card in my wife's name to buy this laptop, and I had $300 payments on it for, I think, 12 months, which was like... You got fucked on it, yeah. Well, no, I didn't... There was zero financing on it, and I paid it off, but, like, fuck, it was hard. But through producing podcasts, I was able to pay off this laptop over the course of a year,

and I still have it. It's kind of precious to me. I've done so many pods with it. Crazy at this laptop, yeah. That's still the same laptop? Yeah, my kids will, like, I mean, Bubba does breakdances on. this with like a fucking corn dog. He's on like 10 years with this thing, 9 years?

Probably like seven years. Yeah. And now your son is looking up immigrant stealing videos on a line on that same laptop. You hand it down to him like it's a sword and you're a king. It's radicalized. You go, I made myself racist with this. Now you shall too, my son. I put it on that little pillow that like a sealed door sword is on that Erragorn reaches for.

Yeah. I hand that to him. Your son goes, I'm not racist. I can't. They go... He turns away from the light into the shadow. When the time comes, you will be racist enough. You will memorize all the statistics.

Return of the Burger King. The Twin Towers. Of course. Yeah. Eragorn with a Burger King crown. He goes, friends, you can say it here. I never thought of it. about it being Return to the Burger King. That's pretty good.

Yeah, that is pretty good. That's a good comedy bit. Return to the Burger King. Yeah. Yeah. That's fucking good. Yeah. That's pretty fucking good. Yeah. No one even knows what happened to the Burger King Crown guy, but... I mean, as, as cringe and Reddit it is to be like, I'm a little racist. And if you find me at Thanksgiving, I might go on a, like, a Nick Fuentes rant to my aunt.

Like, those types of people where it's like, P.O.V, you're on a date with me. And it's like, it's Nick Fuentes, like, ranting about, like, like, immigrants or something. And people think it's like some quirky, you know, fucking... Is that a thing? Yeah, they've turned... Yeah, like,

co-worker type people are kind of dipping their toes into being, like, funny racists, you know? They've turned racism into Reddit. It's like the quirk chungis race. It's just Reddit rike shit. Everything is, like, super fucking gay. Like, but back when the Burger King guy was doing that during Peak woke, it was...

O-G shit. It was fucking cool. It was cool as shit. You know the Burger King Crown guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was shouting the N-word on a plane. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. And no one really knows what happened to him, though, but he kind of like, he was the guy that, like, laid on the barbed wire so people could walk across.

I think when Spirit Airlines went out of business, he died, too. He was like, like, Che Guever. Yeah, he was like, well, that's that. Oh, yeah, Spirit Airlines went out. Spirit Airlines is no more, so what do I do with these words? I guess I just don't travel anymore. I guess I have no flying to do. They announced Spirit is closing and then he just broke apart into light.

Just pure light and went back to heaven. He's like Elisha and the chariot of fire or whatever. Exactly like Elishan the chair to fire. Or is it Elijah, right? That's a good question. It doesn't matter. We're not. I've been deleting the Bible from my brain because it's fake and gay.

I don't think, I don't even know how people retain information like that because I knew all the Bible stuff. then like 20 years past, I'm like, well, I don't remember a lot of it now. Yeah. You can't remember that shit forever, right? No, I forgot most of it, I think on purpose, to be honest. I, I, like, forgot, like, who Abraham's, it's Isaac, but I forgot, like, I forgot certain stuff in the Bible to memorize, like, who won the Masters in, like, 1996. You know what I mean?

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I need to learn how to eat pussy and, like, know that Larry Mize won in 86. So, sorry, Elisha. Yeah, Jack Nicholas did. You're pushed out. Sorry, 87 was Larry Mize. Very good. Yeah.

88. A lot of people think 87 was Chip Beck because of the famous chip on whole. That's it. That's amateur shit. 88 was. Faldo. It was Faldo. Yeah.

89. It was also Faldo, right? That's right. 90. 90 was, is it Wuzzi? It's Wuzzi. 91. 91 is Jose Murillo Fobble?

Maybe. Wow. No? Is it Bernard Wenger? It might be Bernard and then 92's couples? 92's couples. Yeah. everybody turned the podcast off

who's 93 um hold on 94 is 93 93 might be langer because 94 was crinchot yeah 90 or was it 95 or was it

it just sucks you guys aren't saying like Jordan Jordan Jordan yeah LeBron Elajuan Elajuan Jordan Jordan Jordan

I mean that's the who gives a shit about these fucking dads I'm talking about you're talking about a bunch of dads that one's I'm stupid. Wait, no, 95 was Crenshaw. 95 was Crenshaw.

Yeah. Well, who was 96? Tiger was 97, right? Yeah, and Mark Omerer was 98. 98. 96 was... 96 was... Oh, Faldo, when Faldo won again, right?

Or did Follto win 94? It was 98. Yeah, Greg Norman's collapsed. Yeah. Famous. Yeah. A stroke lead, Greg Norman collapsed. And then the next year, Tiger Woods ruined golf.

Yeah, in 1997. He won by, like, 400 jobs. He ruined golf by being black. He won... He literally, like, he played so good. there has to be like one white guy that blew his brains out in his garage. The power of him. Yes.

Emerging in golf was... He also hit it like 200 yards further than everybody. If you go back and watch the 97 coverage, they're like, now we throw it over to Honkey Johnson. And he's like, he's rolling out of the game. Fucking jungle bookie shit. It's funny. The tiger had like an unbelievable...

he came on the scene and he was so much better than everybody else because it was like guys who looked like ever played guys that guys that looked like this yeah that looked like this guys who looked like that if they lost 30 pounds of muscle and 200 pounds of fat they gained and their names were like like lumpy faggot he was a big golf for tim her and his nickname was lumpy and they'd ask him in golf digest like they'd always ask athletes all these big questions In golf digest with Lumpy, I remember this article where they're like, so, let's get to it. What's Lodge? And Lumpy was, I remember Lumpy's thing. Do you remember what it was? Two Oreo milkshakes and a pizza. How do you remember?

How do you remember? Because we bonded a lot over that. I remember us pointing at it. Me and Jace would get these magazines. We couldn't wait for the Golf Digest to come in. And we would reread read every page, every story, what's at everybody's bag, bag? like the swing sequences of like, oh my God. But me and Jace, I can't tell you how much we were influenced by magazines coming to Charter

Door and Jace, because we'd have to ask mom for the subscriptions, but me and Jace would wait for the Sunday Funnies. Sunday, church day, getting home from church or in the morning, you would get the comics with the color on them. Yeah. And you'd get two pages of comics, and we would fight over. Well, I would make my grandma send me the Sunday Funnies. he's from Dallas because they had a bigger

newspaper and she would collect them all every like three months and send them. And I remember like sitting down reading them and I'd be like, Beita Bailey, you are a cut up. And then I... Oh, that old crank shaft. I go, Hey, I go the horrible, you are incorrigible.

And pretending to understand what Dunesbury was saying about the war in Afghanistan. And I go, of course, Dunesbury the gay shit. And then I remember even as like a 12 year old gay Christian kid getting to family circus and being like, Fuck family circus Going like it's panatic

I go family circus is for roops Oh he ran across the neighborhood again Don't give a shit Yeah Fuck family circus Me leaning over my little brother's shoulder Being like reading fox trot Yeah

Reading zits again Don't you find it a little predictable I go oh Kathy Woke Kathy was woke Kathy's some woke shit Kathy was a girl that worked in an office And she would always freak out over stuff like, oh, I have to get to buy more litter for my cats.

Yeah. She would say, act. Yeah. It was a famous, like, it was kind of like the catwoman's version of Garfield, actually. Yeah, yeah. It was Garfield for women who, like, fuck their cats. Yeah. And she just always be like, yeah.

You know, it was, I think like everybody always says, like, chocolate, chocolate, chocolate. Yeah. That was Kathy. And I remember I told her he'll be like, that fucking sucks. Family circus is for fucking roob. I remember, like, walking over to the dinner table and, like, throwing the newspaper right there and being like, Jace, did you read Garfield?

And I go, Garfield is at it again. I go, but I go, what was that last frame? It doesn't make any sense. And some of the jokes were so bad that me and Jace would look at them and try to understand the punchline of stuff. It just didn't make any sense to us. Well, I remember, it would also be like half of it would be like joky shit, and then you'd get to like crank shaft.

And it would be like a four-panel comic about alcoholism. And I'd be like, what? I'm like, where's the funny shit? This fucking sucks. Fuck you, Crankshed. I hated Crankshaft. Can I say, by the way? About an old cranky bus driver, Crenkshap?

He was a mechanic, yeah. I will say... I mean, he was a bus driver, but yeah. By the way, because we got to go here soon. But I got us into Augusta. Is that true? I don't even think I told Devin this, actually. What is that mean?

I don't know what that means. Devin, I don't think we'll be wasting a ticket on you because you don't really care. But you're welcome to come to Augusta for a week. Hang out, where's Augusta, Georgia? Yeah. This is unbelievable this guy. The Augusta National or something. Yeah, Georgia.

I would like to sit at the spot on the pond where Cliff Roberts blew his brains out. And kill yourself. Why did you get, what did they call you for us to do the annual lynching? They heard the show. We get to do the opening word. We want to announce the yearly lynching of the Augusta National. It's the opening end word. walk out with Tom Watson and then we just say it.

Ladies and gentlemen, for the first saying of the word, Mr. Ben and Jay... Wait, are you going to go to the Augusta, whatever? No. Ne. And I'm so old and T. He's like to me like to barely get it up. I'm Jack Nicholas. I look like a pug as a human.

His eyes going... Hello, boops. Hello, beep. Hello, beeps. Welcome back to the White Masters. I would love a gym and switch it up one year and he said, what's up my and he said why is what's up my wiggas we should uh schedule like a live lemon party in uh in augusta georgia in georgia and then during the masters and then we can all go to your

fucking lynching okay i i kind of so obviously the family's gonna go we're gonna make a whole week out of it we have we have someone i mean my family okay someone very high up at augusta is getting us in that is a fan of lemon party oh wow i'm not gonna fuck this up i've been planning everything. It's a willow tree. It's a willow tree. In a big seat. A willow tree hit you up on Instagram.

I'm like, I love you. Big fan. I'm being weighed down right now by the bodies of 17 black men, but... Just filling the breeze going through. Strange fruit. He's weighing me down, brothers. Strange fruit from the poplar tree. From the poplar trees.

Also, fuck Kanye. Not racist enough. Front of popular trees. But I'm thinking about being really annoying. Okay. And being cemented in master's history forever and becoming a viral meme. But trying to kill tiger. No, I think I'm going to wear like the hats that say like freaking pimento cheese or whatever.

And then get, I'm going to get to the 16th hole at like five in the morning and sit right behind the T-box. So I'm in every single shot. And your hat is just on the borderline of when the people see. on TV, they're like, he's fucking with us. No, I want, I want people to be screaming at home. Like, people are on the verge of a divorce and they're screaming, shrink the game at the TV because they see me. And just your face going.

And I'm wearing a hat that says, let's have a day, boys. Have a freaking day. I'm going to wear a Barstool, like, for play hat or whatever. And you go, every time somebody hits a shot, you go, freaking mashed potatoes. Yeah. shot I go, Baba Booie! Freaking mashed potatoes.

Devin doesn't understand. There's very annoying, like, Barstil people who got into golf during COVID, and they all go to golf tournaments, and every shot that is hit, they shout, get in the whole Bobabooie, mashed potatoes. Is it like the DeBrizen de Shambo people? It's literally Bryce and DeShambo people. Yeah. People that, like, love Grant Horvatt.

I don't know that is. These are like, the YouTube golf, we don't have to get into it. YouTube golf shit, yeah. Yeah, some YouTube golf shit. You wouldn't get it. You want to get it. Me and Jace are plus handicaps. We don't fuck with, like, all this new shit.

There's some next game shit. You want to fucking get it in the shit? Right. Yeah. Right. I played St. Andrews. That's cool. Jace did play St. Andrews last week.

I did. Yeah. It was fun. Yes. Yeah. I heard about those. I thought about all the great races she would walk the grounds before me. In Scotland?

Yeah. On the Swilken Bridge. All the people that supported the apartheid. Exactly. And segregation. I miss Gary Player. He played like the next day. I saw that. Yeah, after I did.

I would have loved to ask him what he thought about black people living in separate. What a great last name for a professional athlete. Gary Player? The Black Knight, right? Is what they called him? He wore black all the time. Like John Swinger. It's just exactly what you do.

Yeah. He's Gary of the Player. There's a big player on Live called, his name is Richard Bland. And I bet he sucks ass. He's very boring. I bet he's bland as shit. It's very boring. And there's a reason Liv Golf's about to end.

Piff pulled out. They can't find any investors. So the Saudi Arabian shit is like about to end? I think they released the ratings of it. And like 8,000 people are watching every tournament. What is Liv Golf? How do they make it like catered to like Saudis? Like are guys like taking dumps on women's faces like right before they swing?

Yeah. Players are gargling pee as they tee off. Yeah. Dave Chappelle's doing a set on every hole. Yeah. Teeing off of a slave. Yeah. Hitting a golf ball out of his mouth and busting his teeth open.

Yeah, knocking his jaw off. Going, this is freaking epic. Yeah. So the Saudi Arabian shit's like on its way out. And it's, yeah, it's unfortunate too because, like, obviously I followed the Riyadh Comedy Festival and, like, we were making big advancements with, like, you know, freeing the people over there. No, that was about, like, free speech. Free speech.

about like helping them and like, like, you know, bringing everyone together. Meeting people halfway. Bring it everyone together. It's just so, it's like really cool to like fucking like. That was about rapists meeting rapists. Meeting people halfway to accept a check for $800,000. It's amazing. I love reaching across the island grabbing a big bag of money.

You know, they don't have like fucking freedom like we do over there. So fucking like, you know. Yeah. It's like a mate. There's like a guy. There's like slaves holding up the stage underneath me. And I can hear them laughing as I'm telling the jokes about, as I tell the joke about the gay bar.

My friend Muhammad Ata died. He fucking died. You Saudi is a nuts. Enriching your uranium. We're enriching our pedified. I can speak more freely here than I can in America. He's so foolish. He's so retarded.

He's a fucking dumb fuck. A guy who's been bombing for eight comedy specials, maybe millions of dollars. Yeah. Yeah. Actually, he rocks. He rules, actually. I love that he brought the hawk out. Hell yeah, it's a bird.

It's a big bird and shit. Fuck, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, the Saudis light Dave Chappelle's jokes on fire. Stomp on it. They throw their shoes at his act. Yeah. Yeah.

I love performing for these Saudis instead of whites I don't like performing for whites I only perform for Mexicans and Cowboys jerseys That's my whole audience Piece of shit It's kind of cool that we're letting them Are we gonna help them get a nuke The Saudis?

I think that's cool actually They have to have a nuke by now I think I think they've got secret nukes There's like shit that we don't even know about Honestly, like debt, like, I think in older civilizations, like, debt was supposed to be this, like, cyclical thing where it was wiped out. And it shouldn't be we hold people's wrongdoings against them for the rest of their life. Yeah, the year jubilee. I forgive them for 9-11 at this point. I think enough time has gone by that. If you're mad about 9-11, like, I don't care. What are you mad about the Hindenberg blowing up? I kind of agree. Like, you should let it go. It's 25 years ago. We also killed 9 million people. So I think we got them. Also, Israel did it. Also, Israel did it. them. Yeah. There was a lot of people at play there. Yeah. It's not like it was all sad. The Saudis were just like, okay, I guess if you guys want to do this. Yeah, if you guys want to tee it up for us. We'll help you out, you know. Who's not going to hit a bowl that's straighted up for him like that?

We'll wash the ball. My brother, Muhammad ought to die. He fucking died. In 2011, Osama bin Laden died. He fucking died. Anyway, here's some boring shit about a boxer from the year two. Who gives a fuck? Anyway, here's some boring shit. The man's name was Smokey Joe Johnson. And he used to throw acid on hooks. And he's my hero.

And he's my hero. He was a gangster, which is something black people say instead of like giving him good attributes to lack. They just say he was a gangster. Because we've internalized what's been done to us. And we fuck up women and gays. And that's some gangster shit, y'all. Fuck trans. Fuck trans.

He drops the mic He runs back on stage And then drops it again Fucked right And then drops it again. Fuck on to half The Riyadh is that you think the Riyadh festival is going to become like a thing like every year So they're going to like deal with this like I mean as long as there's grifters and hacks

I mean I'm sure It's got to be like a yearly thing now so like next year which is what if they like five months away from What if they offer us like $1,800? $800? $800? Yeah. split through ways. I heard internally from all the big podcasters that, or comedians or whatever you want to call them, that went.

Sure. They all got so much flack for it. None of them thought it was worth it. And they have people going through their comments on YouTube deleting stuff like to this day. Yeah. And Bill Burr just didn't have a guy deleting his shit. And that's kind of, that's one of the many of reasons that he got the most shit for it. They all were regretting it like this was not worth the money at all.

Yeah. Fucked up their ticket sales. their like views went down pretty much like across the board. They actually lost a lot of people over that. It seemed to genuinely affect Bill Burr's like career in life.

And life and soul. Yeah. Like it actually did. It was weird. No, he's in like, his response to it on the Conan's live live show was like bizarre and really bad. Yeah, he's like in an Arthur Miller play right now

or something. It's not good. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, Billy Lowell. Old Billy Loman. Don't whistle in the elevator, Bill. Because it's in the World Trade Center. And you're going to, I don't know.

There's a Starbucks, dude. Dude. There was a fucking Starbucks and there were whores. It can't be bad. Yeah, I'm having a cigar, dude. Yeah, dead. I'm just doing Poppy Kelly. Yeah, I did.

It's me, Bill Byrd, Dad. Can't do any fucking impressions. That's funny. You know, you do a great impression. I'm a very funny brother who I love very much. Thank you. I love you very much as well. And I'm always incredibly proud of you.

Me too. Yeah. I'm proud of you too. Thanks, buddy. I love you. I love you. I'm so happy that you're going to get a ring and... You got to actually get married.

Get gay married to a woman. Yeah. No, I'm very excited to hit up my fiance's dad and ask her to pay for the ring. so it's going to be a good day. Yeah. You could always just steal some shit. Yeah, you could do it bended. I got, I got, I got, I got, I got somebody.

You could take a ring off of a dead Nazi. I got somebody set aside. Do it bended. There's probably some. Jay's going to like a prisoner of war, like cemetery. Yeah. To dig up bodies to look for a raid. Here's what I'm like one of your ancestors.

Digging up an SS officer's grave. Mm-hmm. To find a ring he made out of a gold tooth from a Jewish child. Yeah. And I go, jackpot. Jackpot. Thank you.

Thank you. Great, great-great-grandfather. I go, hey, you didn't want to pay somebody who supports Israel. How about a Nazi? No, what I'm going to do is I'm going to go to Beverly Hills. I'm going to play the knockout game on the oldest woman I see. Yeah. And still about, I'm going to rip one of her fingers off and take the ring from it.

Send your goons. Yeah, it's me and three black teenagers named like Detroit. Yeah. It's you and the Minnesota Timberwolves. And I go, Get it! Yeah, I'm riding them like huskies in the Iditarod. They're all right.

They look like Ben Wallace. Yeah, there's 16 black teenagers pulling me through Beverly Hills as we knock that gay old Jewish food with the Stenarix. And I go, Mush! You're snow dogs. Mm-hmm. Yeah. I got the whip, but I'm not doing it at them because of history.

But just to scare them a little bit. Yeah, you can't do the whip. I'm popping it near their ass, but not popping their ass. You can do like an air horn. Yeah. Well, just to make them think they think of rap song's about to play. I do an air horn and they'd be like, real trapaholic shit. Damn, son.

Damn, son. Where'd you fuck this? Damn, son, where'd you drink Pits? Real trans shit. Yeah. We should end, I guess, but. Devin, any closing thoughts? No.

Not at all. I barely, I was trying hard to keep up at the end here. I didn't know what the golf stuff was. I know. We talked about golf a lot. You guys talk about NBA, and I don't know what you're talking about sometimes. I was okay. Didn't you guys fight about LeBron and Michael Jordan once we didn't even put out the episode?

We deleted like the 20 minutes of it. Yeah. Oh, okay. I thought it was a whole hour and we didn't put it out. No, not Drew. No, I would never do that. I think Jay said some shit about Kobe that you weren't too pleased with. Well, you're trying to start shit again.

What's like making up shit? We're about, we're about to hit stop record. It was nothing about Kobe. It was just Michael Jordan and LeBron, which, by the way, it's like embarrassing. It was about MJ and LeBron, my bad. To have put out. You're falling into his trap right now. I know, I'm sorry.

You're walking right into it. It's embarrassing that you come on. And you're putting me in a place where I have to fall for it now. You think MJ is worse than. LeBron James. I never said that. I said no. I know. I did not. I did not. I did not. You can't say it. By the way, by the way, no, I never did. No, I never fucking did.

I said, I said number two. And by the way, Ben was right, it was an hour and a half that we had to throw away. That's what I thought, right? We did an hour. It was an hour and a half. No, we're not that ridiculous. It was an hour and a half. And I said here, and quietly for an hour. It wasn't an hour and a half. We would never do that for an hour and a half. Ben was playing Candy Crush on his. It was 58 minutes. I never, I will never say LeBron is number one. I never said that.

Hand to God, swear to whatever. No, I started listening to another podcast to get through the podcast. Yeah. You started listening to Jimmy Dore. I was listening to last podcast on the left. And just turning out loud. John Favro. We're screaming at each other and I just hear the toy box killer killed over 14 women.

I never know. My chukes mine and I'm popping off the chain mine And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine, no you call me Gucci Gucci My chain, my chain, don't you like my chine mind? Y'n Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain mind And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine

No you call me Gucci Gucci I came to the club just to fuck my chine mind Catch another charge and I'm going to the chine gang Oh, I think I'm ice it Sold a hundred dial Ebe baloney sex and rice cream Don't you see how bright it is City girls and country girls

Be telling me how tight it is They think my chain was moving Don't you like my chine mine Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain And my checkup is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci My chain

My chain Don't you like my chine mine Young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain And my checkup is a bit So I ain't know you call me Gucci Gucci. Gucci you be shining. Gucci you be shining, man. Don't turn me on.

My girlfriend acting different just because I got this chain. See them yellow stones holland at you later on. My chain hang to my shoe's crank. Like my watching wine, but I know you love my chain. So I bought my shit. Don't you like my chain? And I'm popping off the chain. My chain can't be so fruited.

Call me Gucci. Mine, no you call me Gucci Gucci. My chine, my chine, don't you like my chine mine? Y'all Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chine. And my Jacob is so fruited, call me Gucci mine, or you call me Gucci Gucci. My first chain I had to rob for it. Jesus piece, yellow diamond sitting all in it.

I'm on some slick brick shit. 2006, Mr. T. Diamond's so bright. Ain't no way you can't see the G. Look, I don't dance, I just lean with it. My piece is sick, Gary Robert, trying to leave with it. with it I got that New York fitted on full suit dicky on Gucci link chain blue stones in a nigger charm now watch me do it do it with no hands traps when he craned on that bezel and that band cause I'm the man I'm the man got no wife but my chain got my don't you like my

chine mine young Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chite and my check a bit so fruited call me Gucci mine no you call me Gucci Gucci my ch'i no you call me Gucci my chie my chine My chink, don't you like my chine mine Y'all I'm Gucci mine and I'm popping off the chain And my Jacob is so fruited Call me Gucci mine No you call me Gucci Gucci