Lifeline - 33. Dos Legítimo

Episode Date: November 20, 2022

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Hello. Hello. Hello. Hello. all audio okay why are you being like a i want to know have you ever seen the rain wow i'm good remember when i used to call chris our producer rains yeah you don't do that anymore huh i don't do that anymore why don't you do that anymore because i'll tell you why i'm not a prick like we're not supposed to swear in the beginning oh because i'm not an effing a mother effing prick like i was when i was 19 well why you did that for a long time dude yeah because you want to explain what that was about yeah i was I was going to say, do I want it? I don't know. I don't know. It started. It started.

Explain what it's about. Working baby. I want to know. And now see now. All right. Okay. See now. Bitch.

I was doing it like this. Trying to change the thing. He's changing things like this. All right. So, um, that's like when people do Shazam and they're like, here we go.

Yeah, I do that. It's like, dude, it'll work. Sound goes everywhere. I unfortunately, here we go. Yeah, I do that. It's like, dude, it'll work. Sound goes everywhere. I unfortunately do that. So if I'm like, I want to know, can you have a rain?

I don't need to do that. You know what that is. That's the guy who sings that. What is the noise? I'm making a coffee. Well, that's annoying. That's okay for audio? Should have made coffee before we did the thing.

Didn't make coffee before we did the thing didn't make coffee before we did the thing so instead of that he's doing it while we're doing it and there's going to be a sound in the background now that's clear and obvious that he shouldn't have done that am i right 100 okay great that's all now that being said we got interrupted talking about rains now why did you used to call him rains and rains man guys i used to call him rains because why that's what i want to know chris i want to know why you call him Reigns and Reigns, man, guys. Reigns, man, guys was my personal invention for my fantasy baseball team name. We have a producer.

We've known him since childhood. My brother used to call our producer. Also, he's turning on the sink. Great. So much noise. I want to know why you turn on the sink and also making coffee during the episode. I want to know. And the air is on.

Unbelievable, dude. Why the fucking AC is on. An elephant comes in. So, bitch, how he's doing it, dude. How about when you don't think about

how you can move stuff? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're just like, oh, well, that's in the way. Even though it's light, you kind of go like this around it. Let me just scoop by. Like that.

That was what he was doing to turn the thing off. Because fingers don't go that way. You go, you know. Like this, like this. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Dude, so, all right. So, why did you call him Reigns? I the thing off. Because fingers don't go that way. You go... Yeah. You know? Like this. Yeah, exactly. Dude, so, all right. So, why did you call him Reigns?

I called him Reigns. I don't know why. You don't remember why? Oh, I know why. I used to make a joke that I thought he looked like Dallas Reigns, the weatherman. Oh, my God. I mean, is there anyone that looks less like Dallas Reigns? No. Maybe Lil Uzi Vert.

But I also got everyone else on board with it. So, we would all be like, oh, dude, you look like that guy what's his name and then everyone said it and so then everybody saw how much it got him mad that we said that even though he's super fucking handsome that guy uh i mean and he's got the crazy good streaks in his hair all right uh and you know he lives close to our relatives and stuff so the thing is he got mad and so it perpetuated it. But then we became adults and stopped because we realized that's like basically bullying, you know? Not really. I mean, just call him some handsome newscaster guy.

I know, but he would get mad. Yeah, okay, cool. But then he stopped getting mad and was like, that only held a mirror up to our faces. And we were like, why are we bullies, you know? Interesting. Why am i a bully so basically rains calling him rains held made you look inward yeah why am i a bully why are you a bully a student film a student film a bully student film i love you despite your flaws so bad so listen um so, you used to call him Reigns, which is fine, but what I want to know is that that lasted for,

I mean, maybe a decade. Forever, yes. So why did it stop? One day it stopped or what? No, it just fizzled out, I think. I grew into an adult and stopped saying it. It was stupid.

And you still call Mike Scharf Ike Barf. I call Mike Scharf Ike Barf, but that has evolved into Ichabod Barvignugan. Okay, so why do you call him Ichabod Barvignugan? Well, first of all, Ike Barf- You're still an adult and you've grown, so why would you call him Ichabod Barvignugan?

He's in my phone as Ichabod Barvignugan. Okay, why? And then you know where it says company name? Yeah. I did stupid as shit TM, okay? Okay, so you're still a bully. Didn't realize much. But that's in my own phone. I'm not like telling him, right?

This is a reminder. Oh, he's calling me. What he's going to say might be stupid as shit. Right? Okay. It's just a warning myself. So, so, so. So Ike Barf was first because Mike Sharp, Ike Barf, it's very simple and easy.

So uncreative. But it sounded a little too short. So I made it sound like very sort of airy and old-timey ichabod barvick nougan okay now also then sometimes to get you back he calls you hat he calls me hat well now he calls me house why think about mike is that he's stupid as shit and comes up with the worst comebacks what so i'll call him ike barf and he'll be like oh house delia why house i don't there's no reason at all and he just does it but it's also really funny and he knows it so now he does it more you know because it's he knows how bad it is yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah

i mean house delia house delia is so sick actually i'm gonna name a kid house yeah you should you should wow man that's absolutely incredible thank you what did you do today uh so here's what I did. Chilling. I woke up. The fucking pretenders. I woke up. When I wake up. I woke up and I saw my dog. It doesn't have to be actual every single second. And then I saw my dog and I said, What's your dog's name?

Charlie. But why'd you say Chimmy? I didn't. I said, Dude, Anthony just burped so loud so it was so great right after right before the episode matt said matt said man anthony you're so quiet yeah it was and then he just goes he was offended by me saying he's quiet what do you think is worse burping or farting uh i know mine a loud one is a burp burps are disgusting

and they're closer to my fucking face anthony, get that shit away from my face, dude. Farting, I can deal with. Burping, I cannot deal with. Here's especially why. You can make an argument that a fart is uncontrollable. No. You can, okay, yes, dude. Sometimes you think it's going to come out quiet and it doesn't.

With a burp, it's just like. Quiet burps are worse than big ones. Like what are you doing? Yeah. Big ones, burp. Those are worse. Those ones go. Oh, so gross, dude. Just like imagining the burps are worse than big ones. What are you doing? Yeah. Big ones, those are worse. Those ones go... Oh, so gross, dude.

Just like imagining the acid. Yeah. Those fucking... Those unce burps? Yeah. They're terrible, dude. They're disgusting. They're so disgusting, dude.

Anthony is fucking disgusting. You can't still burp or what? Outrageously. Only if I... I burp only when I drink heavy carbonation it's in private okay the wet ones are fine but like the fucking it is in private burps are for private anybody that just goes is disgusting and a fucking ape it's absolutely disgusting okay so listen uh the other thing is i used to have a roommate in college who used to burp all the time it was almost like he had a

sickness where he would just non-stop burp and he would and he would rub his belly when he did it oops why doesn't this work he would rub his belly when he did it everyone's listening to you okay just he just that's disgusting that's disgusting and then he would hock loogies into pieces of tissue and sometimes if he wasn't close enough to the trash you just put it on his desk he'd hock oh god that's disgusting ew and rubbing his belly like he's buddha okay that's disgusting look if you have a question click the link in the description below or go to watchlifeline.com you can get one-on-one advice sessions with matt at mattdalia.com and those have been going gang gangbusters and all the great new lifeline merch is at lifelinemerch.com i will be in new york i will be in san diego i will be in seattle i will be in lakeland i will be in um uh lakeland florida

i will be in jacksonville i will be in uh seattle portland i will be in chic. Go to chrislea.com. San Antonio, Texas, Sugar Land, New Orleans, New York. These are all the Kansas City, Springfield. Look at all these. Tulsa, Midland, Austin. Jesus. Cincinnati, Ohio, Columbus, Ohio, Boise, Idaho, Minneapolis. Boise.

And absolutely, you know, a lot of dates, but got to collect them bags. Do you know what I mean? That's pretty pimping, pimping. Bag collector. Back to my roommate, though. You know what he, the thing he pretty pimping pimping. Bag collector. Back to my roommate though you know what he the thing he did

that I thought was the most unacceptable was none of those things. What was it? Not hocking loogies and leaving him around not burping not rubbing his belly.

Severed heads in the freezer. He went to a Coldplay concert. Already bad. Came back. Yeah. I asked him how it was and he said pretty grubbin'.

At that point I knew this man is a bad person to have around in my orbit dude he cannot be in my life anymore so how was it and i said i said i said what do you mean pretty grubbin did you fucking eat it like what are you talking about how is how it's so funny to be like the fucking hello and he's just like dude this is grubbing i mean yeah that's literally what it was that's great that he was like how is it you're how because he's like pretty grubbing and that's what i knew in freeze frame i could never hang out with him ever again yeah yeah he said coldplay was pretty grubbing and then when i made him feel bad about it like put him on the spot about it he just went like this

back to rubbing his belly it was like his nervous tick uh well honestly dude co-play is pretty grubbing what's the other one about it they're kind of grubbing yeah what's the other one that goes man not the oh yellow what's the other big one the clocks one what's the clocks one they have a bunch of what's the clocks one i don't know oh it's the one that's kind of fast Oh whistle So bitch how you doing it dude On to no good This is what the producer did

I said what's the thing that goes like this Yep Didn't even look up Yep didn't for a second Dude Yo hey Dude imagine if It was such a baller move imagine if you were in a meeting

and just some guy like totally unsolicited no you're gonna go ask for a raise you walk in he's just no no what if you ask for the raise and then he did that yeah yeah you know i've been thinking i work really hard for you guys i was wondering you know other companies pay more could i possibly maybe get a raise that doesn't even look up at you yeah playing wordle well the biggest baller on the face of the planet aside stack okay cool yeah dude i mean i just think that's pretty grubbing honestly to be doing it's grubbing and when it's grubbing it's grubbing okay um i oh oh oh this is the other thing i don't boston i don't do oh oh oh i don't do the thing anymore oh i just real quickly after somebody says something i say something offensive and say you're looking kind of fat in that shirt today

all right man you just go like why even is anthony laughing at that because it's great because he understands its greatness. All right. So, okay. Yeah, you look fat now. Yeah, dude. You're a pro. You're fat. Yes, dude.

All right. All right. Worst life coach. Yes. There we go. We're letting it out. Yes. Tell him again.

You're fat. Yes. Tony Robbins with his big ass face Tony Robbins has the deepest voice You can't even understand the words he's saying Dude he's just like well you gotta break up with your girl Do it right now Do it right now in front of everybody

3,000 people call right now Tony Robbins voice sounds like when one piece of earth Separates from another piece of earth So I used to be in California and now I'm in two states Dude wow that's good huh That's what it is I never knew I could do it until now So I was in the San Fernando California and now I'm in two states. Dude, wow, that's good, huh? That's what it is. I never knew I could do it until now. So I was in the San Fernando Valley, and now I'm two parts.

Okay. I was in San Fernando Valley, that was one part, and now two parts. I'm in the North San Fernando Valley, and I'm South San Fernando Valley. Going to wake up tomorrow and be like, why is my voice so bad? Yeah, I have, dude. It's going to be the Tony Robbins impression. Got to wake up, got to do cold plunge. That's what I do.

I start my day with cold plunge because you got to shock your body. Got to shock your body because you you gotta be out of your element everybody that talks about cold plunges listen here's the deal you wanna raise you wanna talk about a cold plunge you gotta talk elsewhere about that

I don't wanna hear about your cold plunge it's a bit like the how yoga used to be or being a vegan I don't want you to recommend a cold plunge to me i want you to go away talk about the cold plunge to someone else what do you ask me what i think about cold plunge what do you think about cold plunges pretty grubbin yeah yeah well then you would like them and then we would not be brothers yeah because i'll be so

pretty grubbin cold play and cold plunge pretty pretty grubbin anything with cold in the beginning yeah um all right well yeah and i also busted pretty grubbin cold busted pretty grubbing anything with cold in the beginning yeah um all right well yeah and i also busted pretty grubbing co-busted pretty grubbing cold cuts pretty grubbing and that's right that's actually that's actually grubbing that we should end on that yeah um you know i really uh i really uh enjoy the banter i really enjoy our banter i really also enjoy taking submissions but i gotta say sometimes when we just go and it's having a good time and we're just kind of feeling it you know that's what i what I like. Yeah, me too, man. I mean, I like it. I know the show's lifeline. I love the guests, but I love the banters too, you know? Yeah, all right.

And that's just how it is. Okay, so let's go into it right now. And our first submission. All right, well, Matt said he wants a lot of details. I'm keeping it raw, my babies. Okay, good. There we go. In an airplane hangar. So to start off, I'm keeping it raw, my babies. Okay, good. There we go. In an airplane hangar.

So to start off, I'm an old school, born in Chicago, Sicilian, just piece of shit. Oh. Okay. And I'm only 22. And I know, Chris, you're the youngest baby of all babies. So drunk. Not exactly right. I feel like you're literally me.

No. I feel like you're literally me. In this sensitive-ass, sappy-ass world that we live in, especially with kids my age and me being the opposite of everything the status quo is, I just want to know how you keep that strength and that momentum. I feel like I keep getting dragged down just for having my own opinions and thoughts. And I'm fucking sick of it.

So just a good old discussion, you know, starter. Y'all can help me out just a little bit. Okay, so here's the thing. You're very young and you described this sort of sensation of being pulled down by the world, maybe, or by people around you. You know what that's called? It's called life. Wow. Okay?

That's called life, okay? That's what life is. Wow, the worst Tony Robbins. You get dragged down. Oh, really? Are you? Well, welcome to life, okay? Yeah, okay.

So you open the door, and there's life, right? That's what happened, okay? So you think you're going to get to grain. You look for like-minded people. All right, you can't find them. You open the door. Okay, hey, guess who just came over? Life, all right? So life's over. So now what are you going to do? Life's in your house,-minded people. All right, you can't find them. You open the door. Okay, hey, guess who just came over? Life.

All right? So life's over. So now what are you going to do? Life's in your house. All right? You got to live with life, right? You got to live with life. You can't sell your house

or hard times. This is life. Wow. Okay. Call your girlfriend. Break up with her. Okay, that's Tony's advice. Now, Chris?

Oh, Chris is leaving. Okay. Bye, Chris. I think, honestly, that you're fine. Relax. You're 22 and the world's going to pull you down? That's life.

That's what happens. It happens to everybody. It happened to me. Sometimes it happens at 25. Sometimes it happens way too late. Sometimes it happens at 22. Sometimes it happens when you're 16. You know, you get kicked out of the house,

whatever the fuck's going on. You have crazy parents. But, yeah, this is how you feel. This is how you're supposed to feel everything is by design it's fine but find like-minded people chill have a good time you're young experience it smoke that stick yicky yeah right definitely that chocolate tie i'm not in condoning weed but get your card get your card and maybe do it legally right okay eat gummies do whatever the fuck okay and uh you know i don't know what the maybe the problem is is that she's being like uh

too much for her friends or something or too much in this world she feels like she's too much like she's saying things that are offending people i don't know i get this sense she doesn't seem to have a filter yeah she doesn't seem to have a filter and you know i'm a comedian i make a living off of that often a good quality but not always it is often a good quality but not always i will say so maybe every now and then just take a look at yourself and what you might be doing right um also but you're young and just chill the thing about being young it sucks to when i remember when i was young people would always say oh you're so young you'll figure it out hated that nothing nothing i hated nothing more than that but there's one part of that that carries weight in retrospect and it's it's this

when you're young the amount of things you've experienced are just naturally less than someone who's older because they haven't lived as long. It's just like there's no way around that. And because of that, significance of things that are less significant in truth feel more significant because of the condensed amount of experiences that they've had. Okay? So what I'm saying is to expound on what I was saying before about that's just life. It feels crazy and chaotic and wild and dramatic when you're experiencing it when you're 20. Right. But in truth, it's just another day for an adult.

Yep. And you're new to that. So what I'm saying is get used to it. Yep. And it's like, that's life. You got to turn the other cheek. Okay. What the hell was that?

That's life. You said that's life. But what did you do? That's the Frank Sinatra song. No, it wasn't. Not what you did. That's life. Sometimes you got to turn the other cheek.

You got to walk in a mess. Whatever it is. That's life. Utterly fell apart. But my point is, yeah. It's loud. But yeah, I think that that's what you should do. What I said.

I like Coke. And I don't mean the drug. You know. Wow. Great to meet you. Broke. Great, great to meet you. Broke his neck, broke his neck, broke his neck. Great to meet you and we really hope you figure it out.

But I think mainly right now, don't even worry about it. Yes. You're just you. You're going to be you. Yes. This is the time you get to be unapologetically you when you're 22.

Right? Yes. You're not famous. Not like you have to watch what you say really. But every now and then, just look a little bit inward and be like, i really hurt anybody's feelings yes all right so that's cool dude one time you were talking about you were talking about being young one time when i was in i was in uh um uh what it called little league and our coach his last name was young and

he had a kid on the team that was named something young i remember this was the last name and i told matt ravennan our neighbor my best jersey yeah oh wow i told my friend that um they made us sing forever young because that last name was young what do you mean they oh oh you made it up yeah okay yeah and and he believed me and i and i said like before we we go out and we play we would have to put our hands in the thing and go forever young oh my god and he was like that's crazy dude that's her last name why would they make you do that i was like i don't know but that's what made me do i never told him make up the dumbest things man why do we do that i don't know just testing the limits i guess so the testing the limits of what we can get away with that's what calvin's doing right now and how's that going for him

uh it's i'm a sucker bro he came up to me and he goes like this hey dad can i ask you for an ice cream favor and i was like oh my god those are good favors oh my god it was so cute he wanted ice cream and that's what and i gave him ice cream how could i not he was trying to be polite he's like how could i i could see these motors working like i want to get the ice cream so i got to be polite about it he thought that's how to be polite hey dad can i ask you for an ice cream favor and it was the cutest thing ever he's not wrong that is disarming i know cute and i gave him fucking ice cream because it was so cute it would be cute even if he was like 23 that's just cute oh down the line what's up matt can i can i ask you an ice cream favor yeah well not if you asked it like that but he came at

me all proper like excuse me uh can i ask you an ice cream can i ask you an ice cream favor see that's cute yeah you're right i'm cute yeah i'm being cute even though i'm 42 yeah wow i'm 42 that's crazy yeah you know why because you remember when i was seven uh barely remember when i was 11 uh yes isn't that crazy yes dude that is so crazy you remember when I was seven? Barely. Remember when I was 11? Yes. Isn't that crazy? Yes. Dude, that is so crazy. You remember when I was 11? Yeah.

I'm going to absolutely kick my ass. I remember too. Let's talk about a little bit outside of this. No, but how – We had so much fun as kids. Yeah, dude. Right? Yeah.

I mean, the best that I remember time, just having generally the best time was when we would be in the car for long periods of time and you and I would do this thing where i was the audience and i would say i bet you can't make me laugh five times in 30 seconds and the clock would stop for the duration of a laugh so if i laughed really hard it could potentially ruin the whole possibility so once i regained a straight face or at least stopped laughing the clock would start again yeah uh on the three two one count right yeah yeah and so almost invariably every single time we would do it by the time one or two seconds came around you already had four so it was like we would i would create this

cliffhanger scenario of like is he gonna get me and it would be so hard trying to hold it in laughter yeah yeah yeah yes i did it you know but rarely do you remember that you would do it too and you would always get me with one thing do you remember what you would always get me to laugh at with you don't remember this i don't know you're gonna remember it since i tell you is this something physical yeah yeah kind of yeah what was it oh the face to go to my ear and you go dude i couldn't i couldn't not laugh at that dude you just get closer and closer and closer and i wouldn't be laughing you just on my face dude i would be wow that is so weird isn't that from nerds revenge of the nerds i mean i don't know if that's what you're doing laughs yeah dude it was so fucking funny wow such idiots kids are such

dumb asses wow i know so tall look up look at the image of So tall. People think you're shorter than me. You're like one inch shorter than me. Yeah. But like you slouch. To be perfectly honest, not even one inch. So watch your mouth. But yeah, no. Whenever I look at the screen, I look like I'm seven inches shorter than you.

Your cock is like three or four inches shorter than mine though. No, my cock is actually, I'm two inches shorter than I look standing up. But because my cock is so long it pushes me up the head of the touches the ground and pushes me up two inches such a fucking dumb lie no it's true okay well anyway at least we're hitting the hard-hitting issues let's go to another submission let's go we've done one and it's been 25 minutes of the show okay i'll get i'll get my babies so many layers and christopher i love you guys so many layers got me through some hard times and i All good. All good, my babies. Hello, Matthew and Christopher. I love you guys.

You got me through some hard times, and I appreciate that. I love you, bro. I've been sober for over four years. There you go. I've got a wife and kid, which takes up a lot of my time, but I'm still struggling to find enjoyment in a lot of things without drinking, which is sad. Yeah.

Uh, all the hobbies that I get interested in are still like shitty ones, like gaming. And then I feel like I get addicted to gaming and then I'll draw, I'll try drawing, but then I'll just get addicted to that and I'll just be doing that too much. I honestly feel like I'll get addicted to any fucking thing that I do. So I don't know.

What do you guys do in your spare time to have fun sober? I don't know. If you guys could help me out, that'd be great. Thank you. I mean, first of all, those things are all better than drinking. Yeah. So gaming and drawing, I wouldn't necessarily count that out. But I know what he's talking about.

He's not getting that high from fucking drinking. Of course. That he is from drinking. I mean, it's a classic. He's not getting that high from fucking drinking or that he is from drinking. I mean, it's a classic. I was listening to a thing the other day online where a guy was addicted to porn and the fact is

that this doctor was saying he wasn't addicted to porn necessarily. He's addicted to the dopamine hit that he got with porn which of course we understand that but he traded it for boxing and now he fucking boxes and he gets that dopamine hit

in a much healthier way and isn't wasting his time watching porn ruining his life. But you don't get to come that way right so boxing doesn't boxing doesn't end in bukkake it never does so um close enough though yeah your face could be a mess the but yeah it's just it's tough man addiction is very tough you got to keep going and trying to do this for your kids and your wife. And it's a struggle, man. It's a constant struggle.

It's a struggle for me. Addiction is tough. And it is very fucking hard. And, you know, like I always tell, I totally think I got told last episode. But, you know, you got to think about what you're grateful about. That's the opposite of this shit, man. That fucking darkness, that demon, the opposite of that is what you're grateful about man because that's what you're living for you're not living for this fucking demon you're living for what you're grateful for and you are grateful for the most beautiful thing on earth that's your family

okay i would also say you open the door that's life you're talking about hobbies you're talking about things that keep you busy passions in life that are outside of you know family and all that uh i think it's best to have a hobby or whatever you want to call it or even if you have to be addicted to something have it be something that you can see the progress as you go like gaming is not that you know like these are just things you do and then they're over and then you go back to your life then you come back and play again and it's just the same thing over and over again yeah but i know a guy who actually got really into like working out yeah and like he can physically see the gains i've done that yeah you know and and that sort of in in place of uh the drugs and

alcohol that he was taking it's night and day day. I mean, one thing is amazing for you. Right. And you can see the improvements every single time you do it. And the other one is killing you. So like I would suggest, even if it's not something on your body, it can be anything that you can see. Like even learning. Like what about reading?

Like those things. Think about all the things you've learned since you picked up that book. It can be this dopamine hit. It's like you start feeling like you understand the way the world works and that's like a big sort of sense it's a really good sensation to feel like you're learning about something you know yeah it's on your own and now you can you don't need to go to school for that shit learn about whatever you want dude it's fucking to click away yeah you know yeah no? Yeah. No excuse anymore. Yeah. Everybody should be so fucking smart.

And yet, and yet. Careful with that addiction, man. It's so fucking insidious, you know? It's so hard. Well, he's doing- I feel for you. You got four fucking years under your belt. Belt?

Belt. Belt. And, you know, keep moving, bro. That's impressive. Four years. Yeah, it is. It is really impressive, dude. Congratulations.

Come back in another four years. Let us know. Yep. Also had so many fucking layers on. He did. That's impressive. Four years. It is really impressive, dude. Congratulations. Come back in another four years. Let us know. Yep. Also had so many fucking layers on. He did. He was cold. Yeah. All right.

Let's do the next one. Hey, guys. So I need some advice on how to appear smarter than what I actually am. I have a fear or insecurity, whatever you would call it, of being in a conversation with somebody, them asking me a question and me just saying, I don't know. And the conversation just ending there. So my advice, the advice that I would need is, I guess, should I just own the fact that I don't know whatever it is that's being talked about? Just be confident in that. Or do you guys have any phrases or things that I should say in the middle of a situation like that?

Something that I don't know. So it doesn't look like I'm completely clueless. Oh, my God. Let me know. Bro, you're so much ahead of everyone else. People talk about bullshit they don't even know about. I made a living off this shit. you're so much ahead of everyone else people talk about bullshit they don't even know about i have a whole i made a living off this shit man you are so it's so dope to be the way you are is to just

not i don't know that's so awesome man i wish more people would say they don't fucking know yeah i mean that's what everybody always wishes for the reason they don't is because they don't want to be the one that doesn't know but if everybody stopped pretending everybody'd be a lot happier because everybody realized oh you're dumb too, you're dumb too? Oh, you're dumb too? Yeah, dude. Oh, you're dumb too? Oh, we're all fucking dumb? This is amazing. Just say, oh, we're all dumb. Nobody wants to do that.

Yeah. I mean, it's totally fine to say, I don't know, because you already look better than the people who are putting forth opinions that aren't even based on facts. Those people fucking suck, but everybody can tell those people fell asleep on the microphone.

Make them feel bad for it they ask you a question go like this i don't know yeah why are you asking me that so personal me for dude personal the capital of florida so personal what tallahassee who cares i don't know why would you make me say the word tallahassee why would you is it is it it is tallahassee it is yeah don't clap for yourself it's nothing knowing that is nothing dude wow wow the ego for knowing the capital of florida at age 42 you know tallah freaking hassey dude i didn't even know well obviously you did i i didn't know i just kind of fired it out there i just used myself it was in your brain somewhere i do it the same way i know that sometimes a guy's australian when he calls in and before he even speaks okay all right just he's got the gift to hear he's got women's intuition oh i'll hurt your

hands so bad when you put it do it but i think that that's uh i think that oh that's a drama yeah you don't know and that's the shit dude i love not knowing stuff i don't know so much stuff sometimes people try to tell me stuff i go like this i don't want to know because i want to know i don't know no no you're halfway right it's good to say you don't know if you don't want to know because I want to know I don't know no no you're halfway right it's good to say you don't know if you don't know but then ask them what they're talking about they can inform you then you learn then you know more and then go like this you're probably lying don't trust anybody dude actually no that sucks trust no one like Tupac nothing is more annoying than you when you say like well how do you know that that doesn't sound right it's like well it is right

you know and you're like no it doesn't sound right you know that you're on a website that website's fake yeah exactly that's basically what you do yeah that's what i do yeah you know fake news well okay i don't know man i feel like you know own it own it own up to my love up in the club own it all right own it all the shit was so hi chris charlie here from england i'm a yolky doodle dandy thank you hollywood is full day dude um honestly yolky doodle dandy look at this fucking guy dude okay don't say he's on swole yeah he's very cool he's fucking only he's so big and his clock is so big yeah the guy is a fucking absolute what is he's good at what is he good at he's good at he can do a full black backflip bodybuilding dude the guy is just yolky doodle dandied from the fucking neck down okay

all right let's do it all right fan. Founder of the show, been a founder. Congratulations for years. Absolutely love you guys. So my question is, what do you do when your mates are a little bit cheap? My best mate, love him to bits. Don't want to change him really, but he doesn't ever want to spend any money on food. Like we'll all want to go out.

We'll all want to go to a restaurant and have like a nice time. And I'm someone who really believes that like, it's worth spending a bit of money for a nice meal. And his mentality is I've got beef and rice at home. So why would I go out and spend money? Probably not going to be able to change him now. But what do you think I should do? Is there anything you think I can do to get him to change and to try to like

actually enjoy life a little bit and spend his money anyway love you guys hope to hear from you thanks bro bye dude you know you always want to eat beans and raw i just want to go out and get a fucking good meal man that's not being a cheap sky dude i feel franken beans you know honestly i think that being uh cheap is such a horrid quality. Yeah. Dude, even if you're broke, which I've been many a time in my life, pay money for things that are worth money. And never stop doing things. Even if you got to fucking... Dude, I've had like seven cents in my bank account. So sad.

Seven cents. So sad. It's unreal. Okay. But, you know, I've also been in the opposite situation, but- And had trillions of dollars in my bank account. And had trillions and trillions of dollars. No, but you never stop being, not like idiotic with money, but like err on the side of loose

with money, not tight. Dude, nobody wants to be around someone that is super tight with money well they obviously do though because they keep inviting them out that's the thing what what he doesn't even go the guy doesn't go so he doesn't even have a chance to be tight with money so he's not so all right so so basically this guy wants the other guy to be like coming out with them and also springing for it yeah um maybe just tell them like yo you're like losing out on life like what's another what's 15 pounds or bucks or euros or whatever the fuck it is for you like you're gonna look back on your life and be like i never hung out with my friends because i was worried about saving 12 i don't know

i don't know also times are so fucking tough though too i know but you gotta mix it up a little bit. Yeah. You got to give up that yaper every once in a while for a good time. You got to give up that yaper. You're spending money to live, dude. He's not spending money for the meal. Somebody will be like, oh, that steak is so expensive.

It's like, yeah, but you're paying for the time out with your friends, your family, the people you like and care about. You're not just paying for the steak. I'm also going to make up that if he's friends with him the guy's not dirt broke like maybe he's just being cheap you know i'm saying like that is it yeah i'm saying maybe he has the money i know yeah i didn't even think about that yeah yeah okay so if he has the money then then it's like bro no no no come on man we gotta live especially if like you're in a group of friends and you have more dude spread it around be the one that like goes broke spending it on your boys yep that's what mc hammer did

or whatever not to that extent but that's what mc hammer yeah that is what he did it's really people like people like go hammer go hammer go and he went and now he's fucking broke dude now he's gonna go get a loan yeah he would perform it like you know high school graduation if you paid him wow you know twenty five hundred dollars go hammer go hammer go go go go and they meant to wells fargo to ask for a loan that's what they right all right cool sweat coming all over my cheeks and a weak stand uh harder than ever before when and they go gotta make time and they go and then one thing you were there he would go instead of saying the R's like he was Mexican.

The amount of sounds you made that go along with the amount of words you said is very strange. You said, made so many sounds and said so few words. Here we go. And now, see, now it's my turn to talk, right? So you talk for a while. I let you talk. Now it's my turn to talk.

And then you keep so, just keep doing it, right? So now the way we're going to do it is I'm going to talk, right? Just for a little bit. And then you talk again, right? Okay, go ahead. Okay. I forgot what I was going to say. Go ahead.

He goes, horror. I've never done it before. That's what he said. Horror. I've never done it before. Spanish. Horror. I'm sorry.

Yeah, right, right, right. I'm sorry. Too legit. Too legit. Hi. Hi. Dos legit. Wow, made it so bad.

Dos legit. Hi. Dos legit. Yeah, dos legit. Dos legit. Too legit to quit. Hey, hey. Dos legit. Wow, made it so bad. Hey, hey. Dos legit. Yeah, dos legit. Dos legit. Dos legit to quit. Hey, hey. Dos legit. No, it would be like,

it would be dos legit to quit. Aye, aye. Yeah. Just a slight difference. Dos legit. Dos legit to quit. Aye, aye. That's the only word they would change.

Dos? Yeah, dos. I don't know what legit legit oh i know that i'm just saying what if the song really was that dude it probably is even try you know all right dude but what is what is here he's looking it up what's legit in spanish oh wow it's legit in go to s s go to s dude oh my god man oh fuck it s it's right there dude legitima quit hey hey legitima legitimo legitimo yeah and then quit we don't know quit. I don't know. Probably like... Doslegitimo. Doslegitimo.

Abandonar. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. Hi. All right. Doslegitimo.

Abandonar. Hi. Hi. Doslegitimo. Doslegitimo. Abandonar. Hi. Hi.

Doesn't have the same ring to it. So bad. Doesn't have the same ring to it so bad doesn't have the same ring to it so bad dos legitimo dos legitimo abandonar ay ay

dos legitimo dos legitimo abandonar ay ay so bad and I want you to stop like so I want you to stop so bad it's wild

that's the greatest part about this podcast that has ever happened dude and what's interesting is, if that's true, how bad I want you to stop. Dos Lajitimo has to be the fucking absolute title of this. Okay. Okay. Here we go. Look at this guy. Let's go. Hey, Matt. Hey, Chris. What's up?

Starting a new job in a couple of weeks and I haven't told the old work yet. I'm just don't know how to go about telling my current boss. Should I tell him all the real reasons why I'm leaving? Right. Or should I lie and say it's just for money?

So if I don't like the new job, I have a failsafe and I can come back. Or should I tell him all the real reasons and and burn the bridge and just be stuck with the new job even if i don't want it good question if you think you even if there's a very tiny chance if you think there's a possibility that you would ever return to that company just quit yeah say you're moving on for a little bit of better pay that you had a great time here uh but do not burn the bridge there's if there's no reason to and it's even remotely possible you return he said something about returning dude just don't just don't don't be don't burn bridges. Yeah. Yeah. Don't, I mean, there's also, there's also, there's also a way to make sure to,

Oh my God, dude. He just, Oh my God. Look at that. Demasiado. He just looked up too legit to quit, dude.

Demasiado legitima para dejar de fumar. I mean, that's too many fucking words. Demasiado legitima. Demasiado legitima para dejar de fumar. Ay, ay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Demasiado legitima. Demasiado legitima para dejar de fumar. Ay, ay. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Demasi legitima. Demasi legitima para dejar de fumar. Ay, ay. Not the same ring. So, look. Yeah. Also, you have to look out for your career. That's a different thing than your personal life.

You probably personally want to fucking jump down his throat, but your career would beg to differ about how you would want to handle this. Your career is something that you have to look out for, first of all, legally. Second of all, you might need a letter of recommendation or something like that. I just think it's best to just... Fully agree. Bygones. Yeah, let it go. Bygones. If you're moving on to a better job, let it go. Yep. Let byg fully agree bygones yeah let it go bygones onto a better job let it go yep let bygones be where is that what it is let bygones be bygones

it is yeah dos legitimo so um yeah i just think that uh los begones los begones that's um yeah i think that that's what you do dude but you've got some steely blue eyes yeah he's got that beard too that is a man that guy almost broke our fucking camera. He's pure a man, that guy. Was it South African or Australian? I honestly couldn't tell. I didn't even hear the accent. Oh, okay. Making me look bad, but okay.

Next one. Wow. Hey guys, what's up? My co-worker slash good friend wipes his ass back to front. And I want you to tell him that he's a piece of shit for that because that's not right.

Is it a guy or a girl? Because if it's a girl, you're getting it on your balls, dude. You know what? That's a great idea for getting your own shit on your balls. That's a great way to do that. I mean, you don't have to test it out in your mind because like you know it's not because these are if he's pushing it that's big trouble if he's pulling it

at least he's getting some sort of control and he says he goes back to front though i understand but i'm saying you can either go in between your legs or over your back if you're going over your back you're pushing it of course okay going what did you going, what did you say? Butt, of course? No, I said Jeff Gordon. But if you're going it like this, you're hooking into it and pulling it out with your finger. And I kind of understand that move. You probably get it a little bit deeper. So you're saying you go in between the legs and like dig it out?

No, no, no, no, no. Okay, but. You go backwards because there's nothing there. So you go backwards and you just push it out? No, you wipe your butt front to back. From front to back, right. It'd be really weird if you went front to back from here. You just go, you just push it out? No, you wipe your butt front to back. From front to back, right. It'd be really weird if you went front to back from here. You just push it.

Yeah, that would be very strange. But nobody does this. Number one. Who raised you? Front to back around your back. Yes. Number two. I say back to front around the front.

Between the legs, yeah. So that's what he's doing he's doing the number two way we don't know that well probably number three behind your back no number three between the legs pushing back front to back yeah number four is absolutely behind the back pushing back to front which is what i pictured i mean if the guy's doing that he's got severe fucking problems and here's the thing you're right maybe about the one two three four yes but only ever do the one yeah i do agree it's like what's the second best way to yeah whatever it's like you know what's the second best way to breathe oxygen well through

your mouth or nose is one what's two i'm underwater yeah exactly yeah underwater you split get an oxygen tank hook it up to your mouth yeah you can also just breathe yeah yeah yeah i think that that's trouble dude i think that you should mainly only do one wiping the way you do it and that's crazy also that was one of those ones that secretly it secretly was him so i got this buddy uh so i got this buddy uh you know and he looks a lot like me but it's not me 100 it's totally not me um i think that that's crazy i didn't even know that people did that to be honest i've never heard of it because you because it's so counterintuitive yeah it's so gross it's interesting though like if you had like if you were raising a daughter you'd have to keep a mind about that like i i have a son and you go back to front but you wouldn't do

that with a daughter right you'd have to go back go back to front the hell's wrong with you yeah when you wipe when i wet my son's butt oh oh i see yeah go back to front but as a girl a woman if she goes poop like a little baby to a one-year-old one-year-old woman okay one-year-old one-year-old woman you go front to back you gotta go back go back. Otherwise, it goes inside the... You know what I mean? Maybe, yeah. But maybe it's the same as with a boy. It's like there's no real risk because nothing...

I don't know. What the hell do I know? But you know what I'm saying though, right? Yeah, I do. Okay. I think it's a good thing to not talk about right now though. Oh, you're saying about... I don't want to think about...

Yeah. Oh, you're saying that you go front to back anyway. Yeah. Yeah. Just always go front to back if you're wiping your own butt. Period. Full stop. Never do anything else.

If you do anything else, that's wrong. Because I don't do that with my son. But that's you doing it to him. Yeah. Right. Understood. Okay, cool. Figured it out.

Dos lejitimo. What's this ear box? Hey, Chris and Matt. Huckleberry and I are here coming out of the tall grass to ask you this question. And we're going to get specific with it. Nice. We're coming out of the tall grass to ask you this question. And we're going to get specific with it.

Nice. So I have a best friend of over three and a half years who last year went from a busted up Honda Accord to an obnoxiously large Jeep Rubicon. Oh, boy. This thing has a wench and a gun safe, none of which he knows how to use, let alone has any need for since we both live in central los angeles right and the ego boost it has given this guy is beyond whoa so my question to you is do you have any insults good digs to playfully take him down a peg because he needs it. It's a lot. Love you guys. Stay funny. So he got, thanks. So he got, he had a busted up Honda Accord,

then got a Rubicon, and it's got a gun safe in it? What else did? A wench? What is a wench? I don't know what that is. I also don't even know what, why does it have a gun safe in it?

A wench is those things. Oh, it's not even on. A wench is a thing that you use to pull something else from your car. Oh, got it. It's like a wound up rope. I thought it was somebody that works at Medieval Times. Hey, wench, can I have a... Remember when you were a kid and they were like, you can call him wench.

Even as a kid, I was like, no, that's... I don't want to do that. Yeah, yeah. Wench, can I have... I'd be so insecure about it. Excuse me, Miss Wench? Wench, can I have a kid i was like no that's i don't want to do that yeah yeah uh wench can i i'd be so insecure about it excuse me miss wench wench can i have a more turkey please uh okay and then what about the gun thing yeah just tell him dude relax all you did was get a new car anybody can do that yeah oh guy hey you're different now yeah oh hey guy you're different now you don't take shits yeah you don't slip and fall

sometimes you don't eat turkey sandwiches every now and then you don't take shits and wipe forward front to back yeah dude yeah fuck out of here i mean he's acting like he like did something really cool and special no you know he didn't a gun look at the gun safe for the fucking dude hey guy i want to know if the car came with a gunsafe. Yeah, I guess it did. That's probably an option. That's so stupid. He's in central Los Angeles with a gunsafe.

Dude, gonna get pulled over, gonna get fucking shot. Yeah, dude. All right. Here's the snap, the clap back. Every time he says something or, you know, intimates that he's special because he has this car, always say, all you did was buy a car that is available to everyone in the world who has imagine she got a better version of that

car that'd be hilarious yeah right i mean just just reiterate that it is it is a non-thing him buying a car is a non-thing yeah how about this whenever he says something or does something say well how does your car feel about that he says what well because it's so important to you you fucking loser

and then spin move out of there that's good there you go I take back mine that's good he doesn't even know how to use the gun safe dude that's hilarious

why do we even pay for that feature you know you pay more he's balling dude I mean he's pimping pimping but alright you want to do another one? I guess so, yeah.

Here we go. Let's see what we got. Wow. Me in an alternate universe. No, fucking his mustache is afraid of... Oh, he's still talking. Don't do it again. His mustache is afraid of the middle of his nose.

What are you laughing at? Which part? The first part. Man. And you're my favorite person slash comedian of all time. Hell yeah, dude. Matt, I love you too, man. I love you. Congratulations man. I love you.

Congratulations. But I just wanted to get in touch with you guys and see if you guys had any advice for me. Basically, next semester of college, I'm going to be moving into a two-bedroom apartment with my roommate who's been my best friend since high school. Wow. And I didn't read the lease well enough. Oh, no. Because I'm a piece of shit. And I am now realizing that the only way I can pull out of the lease is uh if i if i

kill him find a replacement and i'm now realizing that i won't have the funds for how expensive the apartment is so um i don't know how to go about telling my best friend slash roommate that i'm not going to be living with him and that um a potential random will be living with him oh i hate confrontation so um i was wondering if you guys had any suggestions on how i should go about doing that but um oh time's a crunch so uh appreciate you guys take it easy well already packed this stuff look at all the background dude that is insane dude what a dumb dumb move dude yeah he signed it didn't have the money and also didn't read the lease dude what the fuck no wonder

your mustaches don't like your fucking self trying to get away even your stash is trying to get away from you man yeah dude what is going on well i mean that's bad but i feel for you that sucks fucking spilt milk but let me be clear you spilt so much fucking milk yeah it's crazy it's because of professional here's what you can do here's what you can do go to your friend tell him this i know it's hard because you don't like confrontation but you tell him this and then when he gets so mad when he inevitably inevitably gets so mad yeah because you fucked up and now he's got to live with a stranger right you royally screwed his experience up okay you fucking ruined his fucking life yeah it's supposed to be so cool to go to college you ruined that you fucking ruined your best

friend's life some fucking non-speaking english-speaking fucking guy that he can't even communicate with and he fucking is thought he'd have his best friend yeah i thought he'd literally have his best friend from childhood yeah but instead he got some other fucking guy uh he was gonna be 50 or some shit um but yeah go when whenever he gets so mad he's gonna get so fucking mad yeah go like this oh man no i know i fucked up yeah for sure for sure no i know do that that is so funny man start he will think you're a big idiot and he'll get it. And start with like, oh, man, I know. I fucked up so bad, bro.

Like, oh, God. Like, start that way. How could you do this? Yeah, but start before you even say the thing. Oh, fuck, man. I fucking messed up. I'm sorry, dude.

I don't even know how to tell you. It's so dumb. Just like, never stop annihilating yourself. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know? Yeah, annihilate yourself. Just continue to annihilate yourself until there's no more you left you go duh make sure you do that duh man duh i know and

then when anytime he starts talking just cut him off and go duh i know duh well because because and do that because that's what idiots do yes because you're an idiot dude you handled it like a fucking piece of shit you explained it you took ownership which is great i mean kind of he hasn't even told his buddy yet but he told him he said he's like i'm a piece of shit he's gonna tell his buddy because he's gotta tell his buddy because if he doesn't one day his buddy's gonna fucking wake up and there's gonna be some 50 year old fucking dude i mean imagine if he didn't tell oh dude don't even tell him and then suddenly there's this guy named sid you know yep

57 year old what the fuck who are you sid it calls your friend you pick up dog i know i fucked up dog man dog homer homer simpson doll you know dude that's insane man wow that's a good wait wait wait uh i think that we need to stop for a second and grill his ass even harder just for a moment because he didn't ask what the rent was going to be? Are you fucking the biggest idiot in the world?

Yeah, I don't know what the biggest idiot in the world. Not only did you not read the lease, you didn't ask anyone how much it was going to be. Imagine looking at that. Only a seven-year-old has that excuse. Imagine looking at the thing not only did you not read the lease you didn't ask anyone how much it was gonna be imagine looking at only a seven-year-old has that imagine looking at the the the thing and being like like after you already agreed and you signed it yeah like okay so he's like so your part is whatever it is and he's like what oh okay you mean money like the money that is you're saying every month right yeah oh my okay okay

no i mean okay cool all right let me uh yeah he's like let me uh all right uh hang uh let me uh you know just such a fucking idiot uh i gotta yeah dude so it's gonna be two thousand twenty two two thousand dollars a month uh okay let me uh i gotta that's cool that's cool but let me um i gotta shit there's i gotta call my my mom oh fuck are you cool with uh living with someone else that's a stranger oh man that's insane how do you not look at that man ask how much how much the second month rent the guy was like oh i need your second month rent he was like wait i already paid though. Yeah.

Like just because he thinks one month is it, you know? Yeah. I already paid it all up front. What? Because you said the deposit or whatever. Yeah, that's right. That was the deposit. Now I need next month.

Deposit is for all of it, right? The deposit is for me staying here. Yeah. For a year. All right. I love how he's making this about his failure to understand the out clause what's up yeah right right that's that's way down the line he's like i'm a piece of shit for not understanding for not reading the thing the clause like how i have to

get out of it right isn't that what he said yeah your fuck up is way before that yeah imagine going to a supermarket and you get groceries and you fucking put on a thing and they're like okay that'll be a hundred dollars and he's just like oh fuck right yeah or you go to buy a fucking like a cigarette give me a cigarette that's however much it is oh dude what you mean this costs money too this is where's the free stuff yeah yeah i mean that's that's unacceptably stupid to not ask how much your rent is. Well, all right, look, you guys, appreciate you. And also, I'll be in New York. I will be in Lakeland, Florida, and also be in San Diego, and also Chicago, shit,

and Austin, and Midland, Texas, and Sugarland, Texas, New Orleans, Providence, Rhode Island, Kansas City, Missouri, Springfield, Tulsa, Minneapolis, Columbus. Anyway, a lot of different places. Crystalia.com, go over there, and that'll be great. And get your tickets. Go to get your merch at Lifeline. What is merch? Lifelinemerch.com.

I mean, what are you doing? What are you doing? So weird and not good acting in a movie. You have to play a gang member. Lifelinemerch.com. One-on-one session with your boy, Mr. Math Delia. Book it Tuesdays and Thursdays at 1.30 to 5.30 Pacific Time. Wee.

Oh. What else you got? That's it, dude. That's it. Okay, yeah. And for the merch, go to lifelinemerch.com. Somehow,

someway, somehow, my brother keeps on forgetting that even though it's the most fucking straightforward website. Lifelinemerch.com. Oh, I just don't know why we have two different ones. The watchlifeline.com

and then also lifelinemerch.com. This is a really straightforward website. It's lifelinemerch.com. Life rips. Hello. Also, lifelinemerch.com. This is a really straightforward website. It's lifelinemerch.com. Life rips.