Loremen Podcast - Loremen S6Ep16 - The Roman Robot of Cirencester

Episode Date: May 15, 2025

This episode features not only the titular Roman Robot and a (potentially) BAFTA-winning sitcom idea — but James ALSO chucks in a handful of ghostly tales from the Cirencester area. You know, like when you've ordered something online and you get tiny bag of free Haribo. Enjoy! This episode was edited by ⁠⁠Joseph Burrows - Audio Editor⁠⁠ Join the LoreFolk at ⁠⁠patreon.com/loremenpod⁠⁠ ⁠⁠ko-fi.com/loremen⁠⁠ Check the sweet, sweet merch here... ⁠⁠https://www.teepublic.com/stores/loremen-podcast?ref_id=24631⁠⁠ @loremenpod ⁠⁠youtube.com/loremenpodcast⁠⁠ ⁠⁠www.instagram.com/loremenpod⁠⁠ ⁠⁠www.facebook.com/loremenpod Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

When does fast grocery delivery through Instacart matter most? When your famous grainy mustard potato salad isn't so famous without the grainy mustard. When the barbecue's lit, but there's nothing to grill. When the in-laws decide that, actually, they will stay for dinner. Instacart has all your groceries covered this summer, so download the app and get delivery in as fast as 60 minutes. Plus enjoy zero dollar delivery fees on your first three orders. Service fees exclusions and terms apply. Instacart, groceries that over-deliver.

Welcome to Lawmen, a podcast about local legends and obscure curiosities from days of yore. I'm James Shake Shaft. And I'm Alistair Beckett King. Alistair, we're going camping in a way on this one. Are we? Yeah, don't worry. You don't need to. Yeah. You don't need your roll mat or your sleeping bag because it's camping of the mind. Oh, OK. But as you snuggle down into your tent

of the mind of your mind, you hear the noise. What's that? It's the Roman robot of siren sester. But in Rome, but in Roman accent Latin. Alistair, we are at the time of recording with Squarely in bank holiday season. Yeah we are. It means nothing to me because I'm freelance James. I don't know when they are. I'm constantly being blindsided by them. How does it affect you?

What if the post office, what if I wanted to go to the post office or to a bank in the 1950s? What if I wanted to have a conversation with my bank manager? That's true. And it was closed and he was on holiday because he would be a man. He would be a man in those days, bowler hat, umbrella. I hate bank holidays. But are they like inset days at school? Do they like, do the bank managers and tellers, do they all have to go in and like do their sort of, do their homework, do their banking? Yeah, they probably do. Just look at,

try and remember what the different monies look like. Because in those days as well, there would have been more because of Europe. Yeah. Because of the lack of the Euro. Yeah. And now that Euro, now that Europe doesn't exist anymore, it's a bit easier. Oh yeah. Well, we are recording this in the past, so let's not make too many predictions. Especially given the, given the recent news today, but we won't say what that was, so it would be a mystery.

Yeah. No, that will work for pretty much any bit of news. It's always bad. It's pretty bad. Something bad is always happening. Yeah. Started off with M&S was down and then it was Spain. Yeah. Yeah. Sorry, Marks and Spencer took down Spain. No, M&S went down or a small part of M&S went down. The delivery, the main delivery center. Right. And then Spain and then later,

a few hours later, Spain had gone down. And are those events connected? I don't know, actually. I mean, there was a time when sort of the ideas of Karl Marx were haunting Europe, but Marx and Spencer's have generally provided sort of upmarket food and clothes without actually devastating Western democracies. So far, so far. A different guy, obviously. Different marks. It wasn't Karl Marx and Frank Spencer. Wait, what? Tears down a Soviet style portrait of Frank Spencer and smashes it to the ground.

Smashes up Frank Spencer lying in state in a glass coffin. to the ground. Smash is up. Frank's men are lying in state in a glass coffin. But did you mean to smash it up or did you go in reverentially to see him and then trip over in a series of unfortunate events? Well, I'll explain, James. I was roller skating. You know, I loved to roller skate and this was going fine for a while. A roller skating is the method of transport for the people. Yeah. I was roller skating along behind one of those tanks that go down those parades towards Red Square. Hitching onto the end of it. Skitching, I think they call it. Oh yeah. Yeah.

Is that what like what Marty McFly did? Yeah. I say it's like hitching and skating. Skitching. Didn't know it could ever be done in real life. It seems- Someone, well, I've not done it in real life. I've done it in Tony Hawk's pro skater. Ah, okay. Well, all right. That's ticked off a lot of things for the lawmen bingo card.

Back to the future reference. Thanks to the future Tony Hawk's pro skater. The Soviet Union. Yeah, Karl Marx. Friend of the show Karl Marx. And a new introduction, a new challenger has entered the arena is Frank Spencer. A friend of the show, Frank Spencer, Soviet leader, Frank Spencer. If people don't know who actual Frank Spencer is, he was. What was even the show called?

Some Mothers Do Have Them, which sounds like a name you would make up as a name for an English sitcom. You would tell an American, oh yeah, it's called Some Mothers Do Have Them. No no, have them, not have them. Or not have them. Or is it have them? Avum. I think it's Avum.

Avum, yeah. Well, it was a, it was a sitcom built around the fact that the comedic actor, Michael Crawford, he was a physical comedian really, and he was very good at slapstick and it was a sitcom built around slapstick. Yes. Escapades really, wasn't it? Yeah. And he has a strangely childlike energy at best, but he's, it seems to be in a, as far as we know, sexual relationship with an adult woman. I think he has a kid. Yeah. It feels inappropriate if you watch the show. It doesn't seem, it doesn't seem right that they,

that they would be together. It's hard to see what she's getting out of it. Apart from being a long suffering girlfriend slash wife in a sitcom. Maybe, although I don't know if the dates line up on this, maybe she was secretly filming all of his accidents and getting them on You've Been Framed or America's Funniest Home Movies. Hey, I'm framing you here. I think it's called. I'm framing here. And yeah, maybe that's, she was actually secretly making money. I saw of a lighthearted snuff. Oh, yeah. Okay. I started to agree with that.

And then just something in my stomach went, no, no, you don't agree with that. No, some others do have them. Isn't lighthearted snuff. It's not like a lighthearted snuff film. Don't, don't tell people it is. It's just about a weird man child who's always on rollerskates. He's seemingly always on rollerskates. That was a big stunt. He did all his own stunts, some great stunts. I suppose it was in the sort of Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin kind of, like the through line of that.

Absolutely. And more than it is Trotskyite, Lennonite. Yes. Yes. And, and yeah, as far as we know, they never made a spin-off sitcom with Frank Spencer and Karl Marx sharing a flat. In that, you know, that bit of time when Karl Marx worked in London or whatever. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, it didn't happen. No, no. And between Karl Marx and Frank Spencer? Ooh, ooh, what are they, in what situation are we? Are we addressing heads of state or are we, you know, trying to put a new boiler in upstairs? I think I'd get Karl Marx for both of those. I don't know, if we're going to the mills to kind of try and, you know, cause a bit of a ruckus and get things going, you might want Frank Spencer.

Do you think so? Do you think he could start a riot? I think he could quite easily incite a riot. Yeah, that's actually what that song, I Predict a Riot was about, about Frank Spencer. Is the opening credits to some others, do you have them? That's what the guy from the band that wrote I Predict a Riot. Yeah. No need to remember who that was in editing later.

Nobody noticed. No. However, Alistair, I didn't bring you here to come up with... You didn't bring you here to come up with- You didn't? To come up with amazing Dragon's Den beating sitcom ideas because Dragon's Den are now taking on sitcom ideas. Finally, someone's got to land that into my emails. But I did bring up bank holidays for a reason originally, and it's because it's the time of year when little Jimmy Shakes packs up

the family in the car, puts the roof rack on and we go camping. Just for listeners who are joining us now, little Jimmy Shakes is James and he puts the roof rack on the car and on himself. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. He's a big guy, but he's not roof rack big. I'm not roof rackable. No, he's not.

I don't have much internal storage. That is my one criticism of you, James, that you don't have a lot of storage space. But it wouldn't be a good idea to try and improve that with a roof rack. No way. Just so you know. You have to get a flat top. You have to ask the barber for a flat top and then put a roof rack on that. A small roof rack.

A very small roof rack. Very small roof rack. I've miscalculated this, my timings and my camping, Alistair, because you, normally we do it on the last bank holiday of May, because there's two bank holidays in May, because this is bank holiday season. Thank you for that information. I don't know anything about bank holidays. That sounded sarcastic, but it's true. There's also an early bank holiday season in May.

How can there be more than one bank holiday season in a single month? I've muddied the waters there. There's two bank holidays in May. One at the start, one at the end. Normally we go camping at the end. It's warmer. This year, due to miscalculations with the other couple of families that we go away with, we've decided to go on the early one. Jimmy, Jimmy Shakes. with the other couple of families that we go away with, we've decided to go on the early one. Jimmy, Jimmy Shakes. Listeners will know whether or not that heatwave did come about for that weekend.

So you'll have an idea of whether I had an enjoyable time or not. But as to compound my bad planning, I'm going to do McCuntliffe Comedy Festival with them blooming cheeky lads from the rural concerns podcast. Oh. So I'm going camping in Wales on Friday and then I'm hot footing it via rail from Wales to Gloucester on the, on Saturday. Okay.

That's the West country at least, right? Yeah. But you gotta go via Birmingham because of the unique way that railways exist, which are seemingly made by a drunk spider. So it's a big old journey, a lot of camping and a lot of traveling. But the place we are going to be going camping is down in Gloucestershire, near Chedworth Roman Villa, which is going to be one of the bits of activities that I'm going to put to the, that I'm going to table as a motion to entertain everyone is that we go to Chedworth Roman Villa. That sounds great. Although you have expressed it in a very boring way.

Chedworth Roman Villa. Have you heard of Chedworth Roman Villa, by the way? No, I haven't. It's quite nice. If you like mosaics, you look up in the Northeast. But I've never been to Chedworth. Vindalandah. That sounds- I think as kids, we called it Vindalandaland, You look up in the Northeast, but I've never been to Chedworth. Vindalandah. That sounds, I think as kids, we called it Vindalandaland. It was a theme park and I don't think that's what it's called. I think it's called Vindalandah and it was, it was a Roman Villa.

Yeah. A Roman Villa, I think. Well, cause this one is near the town of Sirencester or Coronium as it was called back then. Okay. I'm looking at how Sirencester or Coronium as it was called back then. Okay. I'm looking at how Sirencester is spelt. Yes. And it's exactly the way you just pronounced it. Is that possible? Sirencester? It's pronounced Sirencester.

Oh yeah, sorry. I forgot you're not local. It's spelt C-I-R-E-N-C-E-S-T. Those C's are Sers. Yeah. But what I mean is normally when there's a sester in it, like lester or bistar, normally some part of it gets dropped. I would have expected this to be like si-resta. Oh, have like an extra couple of syllables in there, sneaky syllables. Yeah. Normally there's more letters than there are noises in your Southern Chesters. Oh yeah, no, this is bang on, apart from the fact that it's spelt with Cs that are pronounced as sirs. Sirencester.

Sirencester, but the Romans didn't know it as Sirencester. They knew it as Carinium. Which sounds very cool, but say it with an Italian accent. Carinium. Not so scary. Now. No. If I say Carinium, it sounds like, you know, what Wolverine's made out of or something. Yeah.

Adamantium. Works for, yeah, it makes everything a little bit less scary and cool. Vibranium. Unapainium. Vore Vibranium. That means I would like vibranium, which is probably happens in one of the Italian dubs of the Marvel films. And Alastair, not only are we going to have a fun day out looking around Chedworth Roman

Villa looking at the mosaics, there's also RAF Chedworth, which is an old World War II era RAF base, which is now, if you have a little Google of it, it's now all overgrown and it's gone back to nature. I will do that right now. Hold on. Oh yes. Yes. It's like, it's like nature's RAF base.

Very post-apocalyptic. Very threads. Oh, it is a bit, isn't it? Yeah. But there's like, there's like stuff like that. That's going to be a great old laugh. But also it's quite interesting. I think that you've got Chedworth Roeber Villa, which has been broadly uncovered, but that's

like, that's got 2000, well, 1500 years on RAF Chedworth and RAF Chedworth is looking in a much worse state, even though there is kind of more of it. Yeah. A bit of social commentary there. Yeah, I'm not really sure what I'm saying. But what I will say is that in the 1950s, a local vicar saw some ghostly airmen at RAF Chedworth, so I'm going to be on the lookout for them. Excellent. Oh, I can see some red brick walls laid out like a maze, but all covered in a thick layer of moss. So it looks like a hedge maze, but it's not. Yeah.

It's going to be like being in a James Bond level. Yeah. And then just a, just a hole in the ground, just an unmarked hole that you could just plunge into and never return from. Yeah. No, the kids are going to love this place. Also, when I'm in Siren's sister, I might try to go to the Black Horse Pub. The licensee's niece in 1933 was awakened at midnight and

found her room lit by a strange light and she saw an evil looking old woman float across the room and through the wall. Okay, not bad. And where that old woman floated through the wall, they found some panelling and behind that panelling, they found an old window and etched on that window was a name, Alistair. It was the name James. James.

Oh, so that's not my name. Yeah, very spooky, but not the name of the woman. A psychic later did some psychic stuff investigating there and found that it was haunted by the specter of an old woman who'd been very nasty to an old man there. And that was why her spirit was trapped to that room. Mason. Okay, I see.

And sometimes when we see ghosts, they're just carrying out the activities they would have carried out in life. And so presumably when she was alive, she would have floated out through that window. Toby. Easily. She was simply floating out through the window. But then she doesn't know it's been walled up since then. So to us, it looks like someone floating through a wall rather than the much more ordinary

floating through a window. Prosaic activity of floating through a window. So the medium told, gave instructions on how to lay the ghost. Three white flowers were laid in the room at 3 p.m. on the third day of the month and they did it and no further trouble was reported. Wow. And also really no trouble up to that point was reported, but still very good. Yeah.

Well, actually, no, I say that there have been some further activity. This is from, oh, mysterious Gloucestershire by Mark Turner. You did say that in Jimmy Savile's voice, but fine. That's fine. It could have been like a ghost of an old woman flowing through a window. It was spooky. So maybe. Yeah.

No, in the seventies there were some strange occurrences. And then in 1999, guests reported seeing an oddly dressed old woman upstairs and potentially falling right down the front of the building after she'd flitted out the window. No, I made that last bit up. Thank you for confirming that, James. There's also another pub called the King's Head that's haunted by the figure of a cavalier who frightened a Dutch tourist. And could you give me the sound of a Dutch tourist being frightened, James?

I'm so shocked. No, I can't do it. And could you give me the sound of a Dutch tourist being frightened, James? Hello. I'm shocked. No, I can't do it. I don't know what I said. It's Sean Connery again. Oh, it's Sean Connery, yeah. Not always good accents without a run-up. But it potentially could have been one of the supporters of the Stuarts. This was in 1688.

A guy called Bullstrowed Whitelock. Bullstrowed. Bullstrowed. Whitelock. Whitelock. Great. Yes.

Those are all, those are four words, none of which are a name, but Bullstrowed Whitelock may have, Ghost may have frightened a Dutch guy. Right. His ghost would often pop up holding a gun, shooting a pistol. So shame he's dead because I was supposed to meet him in this inn to get a quest from him.

Wulstrød Whitelock. Oh, he's played by Sean Connery. How did they get Connery to the voice? You know anybody who needs any work doing in this area, any trouble in the caverns, bull strode. And he just points a gun at you. That doesn't work. But Alistair, I did, that was just, those are simply amused bouches.

I hope your bouche is amused. It's very amused. Cause I want to tell you about Colton's field, which is a field two miles outside of Sirencester. There have been investigations into where Colton's field might be. And there's no records of anywhere called Colton's field at the time. So him, you know, it's not too sure. It might've just been a local name.

Wow. So this is a really spooky start that the field might not even exist. But they do think they know where that field was. They think it was a thing called Torbarrow and we'll get into that later. What just while we're here, a couple of other place names. When I was looking around there, there's one called Ampney No. Ampney No. Ampney No.

And another place called Ready Token. Oh, lovely. Collect enough Ready Tokens and you can get into a secret room in the end. Cross Bulstrode's White Lock's palm with tokens. Yeah, exactly. Or pickpocket him, get Bulstrode White Lodge's key. What's his name? Bulstrode White Lock. Or crouch down, pickpocket him, get Bulstrode White Lock's key. Yes. Get into his room, open Bulstrode White Lock's key, get into his room, open

Bulstrode's chest. Find the window pane behind the fake wall, follow the floating woman, old lady out the window. Pull one of those wall-mounted sconces. You're in the local sewer system. Wall-mounted scons. Oh no, I've been attacked by a rat! But in a broadsheet from 1685, which is three years before Bulstrode Whitelock sadly died,

it says that, now this is the title of the broadsheet, which is an oldie-worldie word for pamphlet. And it is a strange and wonderful discovery, newly made of houses underground at Colston's field in Gloucestershire. As people know who can see the word Gloucestershire written down. Yeah, because they're all spelled like that. That is what I'm saying. And this pamphlet actually exists. You can find it, you can find this pamphlet, the strange wonderful discovery newly made of houses underground at Colton Field in Gloucestershire.

And what happened was, Alastair, these two workmen were digging gravel at the foot of a big hill, which is where Colton's field was. And they found, I quote, an entrance into the belly of the hill. Ooh. And they go in and they find a series of rooms, a series of fully furnished rooms. They've even got carpets. Wow. Yeah.

Carpets, because it's mostly laminates these days. If you're, if you're a renter, carpets, carpeted rooms in a hill. Carpeted rooms in a hill. And what do you think happened to those furniture and carpets when these workmen touched them, Alistair? What do you think they turned into? I would hope they turned into valuable artifacts, which are now in a museum. Ah, no.

Simply must be dust. I would have thought, normally it's sunlight that causes things to instantly crumble to dust. No, it's must be dust. Oh, I would have thought it normally is sunlight that causes things to instantly crumble to dust. No, it's these guys touching it. And there was also some several- But after some point, this multiple furnished and carpeted rooms, stop touching the things. You've touched an entire carpet that's turned to dust. You've touched a whole dinner table set, some occasional tables, a TV entertainment unit.

They've all crumbled to dust. No longer tables, not even occasionally. Now full-time tables. Perpetual dust. And there was also several urns, some of which had just ashes in them. And you can only imagine what furniture was in there before someone touched them. This version of the story I'm quite informed by the way is from friend of the show, Laura of the land, but yeah, the pamphlet does exist.

There are papers on the pamph around and about, and there are other ones as well. And these were filled with coins and medals, coins spelt with a Y there. I hope you could tell from my pronunciation. Coins, coins. And medals of gold, silver and brass, coins, but with a Y there, I hope you could tell from my pronunciation. Coins and medals of gold, silver and brass. Oh, nice. And on the medals, there were Latin inscriptions on the coins, Latin inscriptions and the heads of Roman emperors engraved in them. And then they came to the innermost room and there was sat at a table, the image of a man

in full armor. The image of a man? Well, that's what they say. The image of a man in full proportion with a truncheon in his hand and a light in a gas-like lamp burning before him. So I think it looks a bit like a statue or something. The Romans didn't have gas lights though, did they? Well, well, Alastair, actually, it was widely believed in medieval and

Renaissance Europe that Romans had some sort of secret fuel that could keep a lamp burning forever. Oh, that's cool. And that would have been the belief at the time of this. And the thing is that thing looks like a statue until one of the workmen goes into the room. If I know these workmen, he's going to immediately touch it. Well, he would, but the statue swings its truncheon at him.

It comes jerks into life and the combat music starts. Yeah. So the workmen run out and they, I mean, they don't know what this thing is. They don't know if it's some sort of guardian of the treasure or even the devil himself. But that said, they do manage to grab some coins on the way out. So they weren't that scared. No, well, yeah, yeah, yeah. They had a little bit of time to smash some vases and get some rubies.

Yeah. And then they come back the next day with a gentleman who is a famous antiquary and they all go back in and they go all the next day with a gentleman who is a famous antiquary and they all go back in and they go all the way to the statue slash robot automaton room and it lashes out again. This time it smashes the lamp, plunging the room into darkness. Oh no. Surely they brought a light source of their own.

No, they didn't. And just as it goes into darkness, they glimpse some of the other things in the room. There's a couple of embalmed heads with long beards and shriveled flesh like parchment, and then there was a noise described as a hollow noise, like a deep sigh or groan. And then the whole, the whole caves and that start to cave in and they managed to escape. But then the mound is fully caved in and those coins and medals apparently fetched a pretty penny pun intended.

Wow. So, and now they think that might be Torbarrow Hill, which is about two miles away from the centre of Simoncester. And there's also, that's one of those triply repetitive names, isn't it? Torbarrow Hill. Yes. And it had on it two different Anglo-Saxon burial mounds, one of which was excavated, but they didn't find, I guess maybe it had previously been excavated and they found a

bunch of coins there or something. So there were coins, but was there some kind of golem-like automaton defender? We don't know. We just don't know. You know what that reminds me of? Do you remember, I think I told you a story about King Arthur and his knights under a hill waiting, but it really sounded like the bridge of a flying saucer or something like that. This one sounds kind of like that, a robot that protects the space. So, but are you ready to score not that my award, future award winning sitcom, Marks

and Spencer's, but the story of the Roman robot of Sire and Sester? Yes, I am, James. Yes. Plus a few other tales that were sort of wrapped around it, like packing beans, you know, like those polystyrene beans you get. It's like when you order something nowadays and they like chuck in a little mini bag of Haribo. Yeah, which annoys me because I'm a vegan and I can't eat them. So what am I supposed to do with this with this Haribo now? I know it was a kind gesture, but you've really lumbered me with an ethical quandary. But first up then, first category. What is your first category, James?

My first category is naming. Well, what was the name of that guy, that quest-giving gentleman in the local inn with the gun, and I assume a shock of hair and a white streak. Bull strode white lock. I didn't even realise why I thought he had a white streak in his hair. It's because he's but that, oh, by the way. It's nominative determinism, hair determinism. He was in the gang of Lord Lovelace.

Ooh. Yes. Who else have we got? We got Torbarrow Hill. Yep, great. Hill Hill Hill. Hill Hill Hill. We've got Sirencester. Tor Tor Tor. Barrow Hill. Yep. Great Hill Hill Hill Hill Hill Hill Hill.

We've got siren sester tour tour tour. Yep. We've got siren sester, which is unusually spelt the way it sounds. Yep. REF, Chedworth, Chedworth, Roman Villa, which sounds like it should be like a summer I pizza cats thing, but that also doesn't quite scan Colton's field. The name of the broadsheet, a strange and wonderful ghost in Chedworth, Roman Villa ghosts in Chedworth, Roman Villa ghosts in Chedworth, Roman Villa, or to madam with a truncheon.

Very good. Autumn, autumn, or Thomas. I can't say. Yeah. You did, you, you did put the stress on automaton wrong, but you needed to do it for the meter James automaton, but that's like, I don't say. Yeah, you did put the stress on automaton wrong, but you needed to do it for the meter, James. Automaton. But that's like- I don't think normally you would say turtles on a half shell.

Heroes in a half shell. Heroes on a half shell. Yeah, because it's like a full shell. That's what a shell is. I think, but they're referencing Venus on the half shell, the Botticelli painting. Beg your pardon. Because of the Renaissance connection? Because of the Renaissance connection? I assume so, yeah. Alistair, you've just blown this case wide open. Unfortunately, in this case, it was a turtle. That was disgusting. This case was a turtle.

If I can't have a turtle on a half shell, no one can. Is that what... I assume it's a reference to Botticelli's Venus. If anyone else has ever thought that, then please let us know. Here I was in a half shell. I thought it was because they were turtles. But they have a full shell though. They don't have half a shell.

Yeah, I know. But I think the guy was like, well, they've just got a shell on their back. We're like, that's what a shell is. That is what turtles are like. Yes. Anyway, there's also the name of the broadsheet, a strange and wonderful discovery newly made of houses underground at Colton's field in Gloucestershire, Shire. Yes. Someone was being pegged by the word in that headline. Have you heard the news? No?

It's like a clickbait article, isn't it? There must have been a time. We've gone full circle headline wise. We've gone back to really long ones, whereas there was a brief time where it was like, you know, short pithy to the point, two to three words in big. Yeah. The rules used to be that you put all the information up top and they sort of wrote it backwards. So if you only read the first bit, you've got basically the gist of what happened.

But now stories are, you know, that headline is more like the modern ones where, you know, like, I was in a restaurant waiting to meet the person and yeah, I'm going to be, it's going to be aged before the story starts in this news article. Yeah. I was digging gravel at the bottom of the hill with my friend. And we didn't believe what we were going to find. Right. So, yeah, those are most of the names. One weird secret Roman automata don't want you to know.

Guards of ancient hordes hate them. You won't believe what this furniture turned into when we touched it. And you're looking like, yeah, I do believe it actually. I knew it was going to be dust. You got me. So for names. Only people with a high IQ can get into this barrow. Sorry.

Yeah. Names. I've forgotten. Single Roman automatons in your area. All right. It's four. Four single Roman automatons in your area, even though there probably aren't that many. No, there was one.

Right then, okay, second category, supernatural. I'm going to need to remind you that there was that old woman who was- Who floated through a window. The ghost of a woman who floated through a window. Yes, me living the time when she floated through a window in life. Yeah, that's rubbish. That's terrible. That's not a good ghost at all. What about my name being etched on a window? That extremely common name, James.

Yeah, it was the most popular name for boys in the year I was born. And I was born on the 3rd of December and there was always all about threes for some reason. Yes. Well, there were a lot of threes in this story. Weren't there? Again, of threes in this story. Weren't there? I don't, again, I don't think this is about you. Well, I might go there. No, you could go there. If you get haunted, please tell me.

There was a Dutch guy. Got scared. Dutch guy got scared that time. Yeah. Can we just, can we just hear that again? Yikes. Lovely. Lovely. Very good. It doesn't sound as much like Sean Connery as I would have Oh, lovely. Lovely.

Very, very good. It doesn't sound as much like Sean Connery as I would have imagined, but very good. Don't shoot. Welcome to Amsterdam. Put that gun away. This is Shirenchester. Oh God. He could never go there.

He never asked for directions. He laughed out of town. I didn't realize they were pronounced like S's. I thought it was Chironchester. Chironchester. I didn't realize they were pronounced like. I thought it was Kyron, Chester, Kyron, Chester, even that. He's turned into a pirate. Well, I don't know. Maybe the Roman robot is the, you know, he's got that lamp, which is, is

lit through some kind of fuel. We don't understand. Maybe he is an automaton. Maybe he's not magic. Maybe he's science. Oh, no. Is he? I think, I think he might be a leftover artifact of a advanced civilization.

Aliens aren't supernatural. Ancient Romans aren't supernatural. I think it's a two, James. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just, I, I believe the story so much. I cannot give you more than two. Okay. Fine then.

My hands are tied James. Yeah. I appreciate that. You can't do it. You've, you know, you've done all you can. Okay. Then my next category is, it's next country is a welcome return from friend of the show, Dust. Yeah.

A hot, hot Dust cameo. If this were the Minecraft movie, as soon as the dust appeared, people were throwing dust in the air. They'd be chucking dust at the screen. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Very dusty. Very, very dusty. Very, very dusty.

And it was a welcome return for dust. Yes. Yeah, it simply must be five. Yes. I didn't even have to get into the fact that gravel is just big dust. Yeah, that's just God's dust. And mud, filling the cave walls, or caving in with mud. Mud is just wet dust. Wet dust. Yeah. Brilliant. Okay then. Well, absolutely.

I'm being pretty generous here because I could have said that as soon as you touch that five, it crumbled, but I'm not doing that. Yikes. Oh, that was close. It's crumbling into even more dust. So it's fine. I dodged a bit of dust there. Dodged a dust bullet. Which sounds like a vacuum cleaner. And then my final category, it's Roman Robot on the rampage. Sorry, that's the final category? Yeah, there's a Roman Robot on the rampage.

Leaning heavily on alliteration for this one. Roman Robot on the rampage. Yeah. And if you want that Roman robot to have been played by Frank Spencer, that would explain why it smashed its own lamp and then the whole place caved in. I think what American listeners might all know is one of the things about Frank Spencer is for a long time, it was an impression everybody did. Oh yes.

I think James, you and me were a bit too young to have bothered perfecting a Frank Spencer impression. Yes. Yeah. I probably tried it out a few times as like a four-year-old, but I wouldn't have had the range in them days. He did have quite a high-pitched voice though, although I imagine as a four-year-old you were quite like, could I have my breakfast now please?

Could I get out of the high chair? Wheat-a-bix for me, please. No sugar, thanks. I'm sweet enough already. You call this a high chair? My feet are on the ground. Fun-sized Marsby. I don't see what's particularly fun about it. Looking left and right to see if any other kids are laughing about observation. They aren't. A king for me, a king size is regular size, which is also a joke that you could have said.

That's true. Cause I am, my surname is King. So the category is Roman robot on the rampage. Yeah. It's a Ro, the Ro, Roman robot, Roman robot on the rampage. Brackets played by Frank Spencer. I feel like I need the impression, James. You did so well with the Dutch guy.

I need the, ooh, Betty impression. You're going to have to do it for the listener to know what Frank Spencer might sound like if. If he was a Roman robot. The only way I can think of phrasing this, James in the style of a 1980s stand-up comedian. What if a Roman robot on a rampage was played by Frank Spencer? Well, I think it would sound a little something like this. Oh, Benny, get out of my cave.

I'm not getting a sense that he's on roller skates. I'm not getting a sense that he's on roller skates. Oh, I'm going down the stairs. I'm going down the stairs. Oh, I can really hear it. You're doing the stairs. Well done. Yeah. That's mime school, weirdly. Yeah. Yeah. All right. It's five. It's five because you did Frank Spencer as a robot. I've smashed my special lamp. There we go. Well, thank you very much. You're very welcome. Dwell on the embalmed heads. Yeah, I forgot about those. They were basically in a side.

Yeah. Didn't need them. Oh, the groan would have been more Frank Spencer-y, I suppose, as well. Thinking about it now. Oh, there was the noise like a hologram. Oh, yeah, maybe I wasn't a grown. It was. Oh, now you're moving towards Frankie Howard there. Oh, oh, maybe it was. Get your hands off my. Now I think about it, the robot should have an Italian accent. Ah, yeah. Oh, well, he's played by Frank Spencer. I don't know.

He probably could do quite a lot of range Phantom of the Opera for ages. Great singer Michael Crawford. Yeah. Anyway, I'm sure there's a lot of that. There was a lot of stuff that went on there with which is no doubt a bonus episode now. But please go to patreon.com forward slash lawmen pod to see what on earth got left out. Can you imagine? And there's all sorts of other bits and bobs there.

And you can join the like minded law folk in the discord. A very pleasant place. A lovely place. Thank you very much to all the people who do already support us through that. Thank you very much to Joe for editing this episode and thank you to you for listening. But I don't think you're going to be surprised to learn that when you describe the people building the railways as quickly as possible,

I'm imagining Gromit from Wallace and Gromit in the wrong trousers.