Mean Boys - EP 231 - Big Larry (feat. Anna Valenzuela)

Episode Date: October 10, 2024

Buy Anna's album Murderpuss: https://tr.ee/uDpzYRhCV9 Hit the LinkTree for all things Mean Boys: https://linktr.ee/meanboyspodcast Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

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Shop online and get $15 in PC Optimum points on your first five orders. Shop now at nofrills.ca. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys podcast. Every dog you ever petted as a child is dead now. I'm Keith Carey. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Connor McSpadden. And I'm... The worst possible guest to book the day we get a better camera.

Ladies and gentlemen, that is not a topographic map of the American Southwest. That is Anna Valenzuela. I choked to death. Topographic. That took me to so many places. That took me to like those leathery ladies that just wear turquoise and turn into a boot. Oh, God. Yeah.

Everyone who is fucking burned and flirty in New Mexico. Burned and flirty is actually, that's my, that's actually, yeah. Who wants to buy me a pina colada and lick what used to be my pussy? Like? Hey, quit creeping on my dates. Put your tooth back in when you say shit like that. The lisp is not fucking good, bro. Or don't.

It is not good. Get it right in there. Yeah, looking at my own haggard face in the monitor, I think this episode is what's going to really drive home the Mean Boys time skip. You know, like when they did that fourth season of Ar development and michael cera's like 38 years old now yeah honestly uh my favorite thing to do is to show people pictures of what you looked like when i met you that's very mean do you photoshop the meth not even once logo i You know what? Now I will. Why is that your favorite thing to do? What are you, my fucking mother?

Well, because in my mind, so in my mind, you're a hot young man. Hey, look at this boy who tried a little hard living. Yeah, you did. Watch how the twink falls. Yeah, pretty much. I mean, you were a fresh-faced mean boy,

and now you're a mean man and boy. Man boy. You are a mean lady boy. You're a mean creature. This is the part of the... Can we just get into the joke already? Where's the sound effects? Real quick, Walt.

Cotter is playing with the soundboard. So mad Anna's here She has a record out It's called Murder Puss Fucking pick it up It's on Where is it?

It's on Burn This Records Which is a Sick ass Cooperative punk rock label Where a bunch of Cool independent artists Are stationed And

And Anna And me. And it's pretty cool. And if you're a fan of weird backstories, lore, this podcast, hysterectomies, you know. There's one thing I don't think it's the same as Skyrim, Anna. I'm sorry.

I would have had a family, but I took an arrow to the uterus. I don't know if our mass effect crowd is... And we called it Roast Battle. My joke for many years

is that Keith and Connor yelled at my infertility. Well, they yelled at me until I became infertile and my uterus escaped. Yeah, it was all our fault. Definitely. I do a sidebar.

There is a Roast Battle book. I highly encourage you to not read it. Oh, God, what a terrible book. If you love typos. It sucks so bad that the only person who does comedy journalism is absolutely fucking dog shit. The only person who gives a shit about this stuff is terrible at telling the story. There's so many.

I don't have the hugest ego in the world about Roast Battle, I like to think, but there's like two or three things I'd want to be in that book. None of them are in it. I think I've referenced three times. Once my name is misspelled, once they say I have a disease I do not have, and then once is them talking about how brave you were to survive me. At no point did they call me. They'd be like, hey, do you have a thought about this show you're on every week?

What was the disease? I think they said I had like Tourette's or diabetes. I forget. You could just make the leap, but technically neither of those are true. Don't you have a little tick tick? I just I think it's just PTSD. Ah, yes. Yeah.

Do we have the same therapist? The secret ingredient of the Mean Boys podcast. Anna, look around you. You drove to Long Beach to record this. Do you think I have a therapist? I canceled therapy today to be here. Yeah, you were like drove to Long Beach to record this. Do you think I have a therapist? I canceled therapy today to be here. Yeah, you were like, can I go to therapy?

I'm like, no, you can come do the opposite. Yeah, do the opposite. I highly recommend firing your therapist because they have to write you like a whole thing for your next doctor that basically like summarizes everything that they think about you. And it's very funny to just like read the chart like occupation, comedian of moderate fame. So generous. Thank you. Okay.

Comedian of no fame. Thank you very much. Comedian of needed this plug fame. Comedian of my credits, but three less of them. True. Okay. But here. Eat my ass with broken glass.

I forgot the chemistry between Connor and Anna. It was just constant bickering. Guys, I'll say something next episode. It's not bickering. Sorry, Tom fans. Hold on. It's not bickering. It's me trying to force nice things onto Connor and him rejecting it.

It's sort of the opposite of bickering. What I see is a woman not respecting a boundary for a decade. After I clearly put up no signal after no signal. Do not compliment me. Do not buy me gifts. Do not say nice things about me. Do not compliment my outfits. How do you want to be treated? Not at all. I've learned at this point

you have to sort of approach Connor like he's like a chimp that's a little past training age. Don't make eye contact. Don't give him a birthday cake. He doesn't know when it is, and he will rip your face off. Oh, my God. You got to treat him like a ghost that doesn't know he's dead yet.

If you acknowledge him too much, he'll just summon and start breaking your shit. That's just the skin tone, Tom. Just because I'm translucent. Especially with this fucking camera. I can't stop looking at my awful haggard face. Oh, my God. You wanted this?

Do you want some makeup? It's in my car. I can give you a full Latina face. You want a gangbang after this? It means you'll leave for a few minutes. Connor, you look paler than the whiteboard in this fucking video. Oh, yeah. We should have wrote Meat Boys on your forehead.

Yeah, this is the tan you get from cutting reels. At least your tracksuit doesn't look stupid. Do we want to get into the show, Kyle? Let's do it. You gotta push the button. Oh, my tracksuit looks stupid.

I don't know how to do it. Oh my fucking god, Connor. I don't know. Do we not get sound effects anymore because you're too sad? Guess you guys appreciate me after all. I'm so glad to reverse gentrify this bit. I'll take this away this week. The scientists who discovered that certain mammals can breathe through their anuses have received the Nobel Prize.

They say their next mission is to find out what compels these mammals to record the Mean Boys podcast. I'm breathing my ass. Did anybody else read that story and just try to focus on breathing through their ass? No. This is the closest Keith's ever come to meditating. Honestly, yeah, that research broke like a year ago that you can breathe

through your asshole, or at least mammals can. So I just held my breath and tried really hard to, I don't know, reverse queef or whatever, and it didn't work. Dude, I want to try to smoke through my ass next. You could definitely do that. Yeah, you definitely do that. You can do drugs. You can smoke. You can soak tequila tampons and put them in your booty hole.

Oh, yeah, I've done all that, but I didn't know about the breathing part. You know what? Honestly, I fart aggressively. And so I'd like to say I'm just exhaling. Okay. Yeah. I feel like your asshole barks. It does.

It really does. And then it feels like a DM. You have no clue. The hood. The hood. The hood. The hood. The clitoral hood. It's so accurate. It's so accurate.

I wake my roommates up. He's a pit bull robbing us. Stop. Drop. Shut it down. Take it outside. Whoa. No.

Now we're old assholes. That's where that burrito bowl goes. Can't help it. All right. Am I next? I'm so sorry. Okay. Okay.

Here we go. Garth Brooks was arrested for sexually assaulting an employee today. When asked why he couldn't take no for an answer, he said, Don't tell my cock, my rapey, rapey cock. I just don't think it understands. Is that even a Carth Brooks song? I don't know the difference. Don't slander my boy,

my totally unrelated boy. I got rapes in low place. Actually, I don't want to burst your I heard that actually wasn't Garth Brooks. That was Chris Gaines who did that. Oh, yeah, you're right.

Completely different guy. It was a completely different guy. Different haircut looks just like, wait, hold on. Conspiracy theory. J.D. Vance is Chris Gaines. Oh, yeah. I can see it.

He's got that couch fucking comb over. Oh, yeah. Please stay off Bumble. You'll find me. I'm going to go around showing people pictures of what you used to look like. See how you like it. Just less gray. Are they like those old timey ones

like you get at Knott's Ferry? Please. Oh my God. Okay. Check out this showing ankle. Check out this daguerreotype of this dumb bitch. Wouldn't Bumble be a better name

for like a special needs dating app? Yes. I'm going to tell you it is. It's right there on the app store next to this money fish. All right. CVS has laid off 3,000 people. The shame of receiving your pink slip on a four-foot-long receipt.

You get a coupon for 70 cents off cat food, though. You can wear it around yourself like you're the mayor of being laid off. I fucked up, Sash. 23 people died on a burning Chinese school bus. It's like the old song says, the wheels on the bus go... It's a great song. All right, guys. A Vegas gas station worker was arrested after beating a man with a baseball bat because he was, quote, abusing the cheese machine.

Shit. I want to say I'm fine with this as long as when he did it, he yelled, that is not Joe Cheese, motherfucker! Remember that joke? That was a good one. I hope he was abusing the cheese machine in a Garth Brooks way. Forcing himself onto the cheese machine.

No, the cheese goes on the hot dog, not the other way around. Take this dick, salty. Oh my God. Quit reading my sex journal. 68 men were arrested for being in the

white supremacist gang called the Peckerwoods, causing comedian Keith Carey to do a wellness check on over half his stepdads. You gotta wonder if anyone in the Peckerwoods goes, we should have picked a different name. No, I erased one that was like, it was easy to catch them

because they were all hiding in a closet. It is the gayest white supremacist name. We're the toughest people representing the master race. We're called the dick penises. I had a joke a few weeks ago about Keith's stepdads that I didn't do, which was that this guy figured out that he could get out of paying child support by faking his own death. And I was just like, every one of your stepdads just Googled computers.

They don't have computers anymore okay public library still open yeah that's right p diddy you know p diddy he's had over 120 people men and women coming forward alleging sexual abuse prompting sean combs to change his name to P. Diddle as in that's how you be molested you know what that actually wasn't Diddy it was Chris Gaines in Blackface Chris P. Gaines no it was actually P. Diddy's older brother Q. Diddy a man was imprisoned for trying to engineer a species of giant hybrid sheep for hunting. His recovered scientific formula reads, step one, find horny sheep. Step two, have awkward conversation with fattest daughter.

That's how you make a biggin'. You know, at the end of the day, his greatest blunder was writing down that two-step plan. You think he could have memorized it? For the authorities to find. Alright, this is actually kind of strange. Former Republican Vice President Dick Cheney came forward to say he will be voting for Kamala Harris in the upcoming election.

He then added, and she's black, like my sweet, precious oil! Ha ha ha ha! Ha ha ha ha! How many ha ha ha's was that again? From the Associated Press? Nine. Okay, cool.

Thank you. Amazing. Iran and Israel began missile strikes on each other this week. When asked how Israel would handle its multi-front war, Benjamin Netanyahu was quoted saying, Tarana, be kidding me. I'm going full Oprah here. Jew get a genocide. Jew get a genocide.

We all get a genocide. Everybody look under your prayer rugs. Damn it, you found the tag. I couldn't. I know one thing about Oprah. Now my special guest, Dr. Falafel. That's going to be a big gig for the Persian Adam Ray someday. Dr. Falafel goes off the air.

A New York woman drowned in the Hudson River. Wow, I guess there really is something in the water. They just make dead bitches better here. That's fucking really good. Fuck. Legendary NBA big man Dikembe Mutombo passed away this week Mutombo's death

is a tragic loss for the basketball world but a huge win for the sales team at Big Ass Coffin Warehouse Big Ass Coffin they're holding out for the Keith Carey account

but until then yeah I think that was like David Tell's joke the day Patrice O'Neill died he was like, yeah, his family right now, they're dealing with it the best they can. Together, they're over on ReallyBigCoffins.com

trying to find a size 58 suit. It's really funny. Whoops. Boring anecdote that I didn't even remember. Olivia Rodrigo handed out morning after pills at her St. Louis concert, even though the drug is illegal in Missouri.

And when she gets to California, she's handing out AR-15s. Hell yeah. Southern California punk legends, NoFX, are playing their last shows this month, prompting 68 incarcerated Peckerwoods to do a wellness check by payphone on Keith Carey. Damn. Damn. Damn, well done. I like when jokes have a sequel. Several Las Vegas radio stations have banned Green Day's music because Billy Joel Armstrong said that,

I quote, I hate Vegas. Vegas is the worst shithole in America. People, all 37 people who still listen to the radio are outraged. I'm going to go ahead and stop the typing fingers of everyone about to say Tom just called him Billy Joel Armstrong. You know what's fucked up? I actually wrote Joel. I don't care about that band. That's fair.

In the middle of the night. Let's be real. The reason he hates Vegas is because all of his fucking face paint will melt off because of that heat. Oh, no. To be fair, yeah, those tight black jeans probably smell very bad.

Oh, yes. Shitty little pop punk keyboard elf. A man cut off his own genitals with an axe after taking hallucinogenic mushrooms. Dude went from tripping balls to tripping on his balls. It's really cute. It's a fun one. All right. The Philadelphia Phillies are scrapping $1 hot dog nights following unruly fan behavior.

The team no wonder said, this is why we can't have what we mistakenly believe are nice things. Two hunts. What do you think? I need to get a better one of those. I saved this joke for the lull. And I would just like to say that. California is no longer making people over 70 take a driver's test,

which is the only time in the DMV's history they've truly let Jesus take the wheel. See, that's just cute. I have a cute one, too. Oh, let's all be cute. Israel bombed Beirut. Wow, with all those dead ladies, I guess it's now the no Beirut.

Oh, that is cute. Yeah. As in like, oh, that chick's dead. Tell it again. Should I do a different one? Yes. Do you have another one? Yeah.

Can I get some more phlegm on that, please? Did you do it before you turned into the fucking toxic monster from Ferngo? Did you suck that bucket of cum out of your mouth before you... This always goes well when you double down. A bull was rescued from a British sinkhole. The copper said, oh, good, now it can go back to balling me wife. Never heard somebody's neck have diarrhea before. Oh, right.

Yeah, you have. You've seen weird science. Have you heard you sleep? Yeah, really. Touche. I found some audio. I got to find it again, but I have a recording of you guys both sleep at me

in my face on a Mean Boys tour. That is the worst ASMR of all time. Fucking dueling dead by 40s. Yeah. So they make these earplugs called loops and you can put those in and also headphones and play the 12 hour track of

the Starship Enterprise idling and that's how you sleep in between John Michael Bond and Brandy Posey. Oh, shit. I wanted to get mad at you for giving me advice that's only relevant seven years ago, but I do love the ambient sounds of the Starship Enterprise, so on this we can agree.

Should I try a little... Some great brown noise, folks. Yes, Tom. I'll try. I'll try. I have one more, but Tom, you keep knocking them out. I'm afraid of eye contact right now. Okay, all right.

I'm going to find a way to get this back or make it worse. Why are you staring at me like that? Because I have nowhere else to look. More and more Americans are getting their news from TikTok explaining why they think Kamala's economic reform policy is three hip rotations leading into the electric side. That's a better joke than we gave it credit for. Yeah, I mean, that's actually pretty funny.

You went in to tell a good one until God is fucking with full ghost from Mario that can only follow you when you're not looking. You guys scared me into quality. I wanted to follow it up with a compliment. I had to stuff the compliment deep down inside and look away. Damn, this is the fastest we've ever broken your spirit on this show. Usually it takes us to laugh at the sketch. Yeah, let's see here. 20 minutes and 10 seconds.

I mean, it's 2016's election all over again when you guys were like, oh, no, Anna's out of hope. All right, I'll do one more. An 81-year-old woman competed in the Miss Universe pageant. She didn't win, but she did receive the consolation prize of an appearance on the Mean Boys podcast. Hey! You old bitch! Wait, I thought Miss Universe was a beauty pageant. It is.

I'm beautiful in a Picasso kind of way. There was an 81-year-old woman in the pageant. Yeah, that's the joke. I'm speaking in notable. Old time. Gotcha. She looked good for being an 81. Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Thank you. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Nice. Thank you. Tom, tell another one. I've thrown so many strikes. No, no, do not more jokes. We've got to crush this.

Okay, I'll just start by me and the Festos. I've got one. I've got one. Oh, God. I'm going to regret this. During the vice presidential debate, human UTI J.D. is uh said it was against the rules to fact check him he also went on to say he's six seven in heels and has a 12 inch penis and god damn it put that fucking ruler away see regret this regret this regret this i should have just let that one die

i'm glad you told it i just want to call him a human UTI Which was funny but when you said you're going to regret this My brain immediately went regret this shit Regret this shit I just never seen a dead horse beat a dead horse before Mean Boys Podcast will be right back We're walking through the park At the midnight in the dark

When I felt something hungry chasing after me I closed a gray's blade, smelled a blood I could taste The creature held me down, preparing for the devil's feast I felt it howl to the moon and I saw his furry sock And I'm spinning toward a flying wolf man cock His dick was red like virgin blood Then he shoved that wolf dick in my butt I got buttfucked by a werewolf

He might tell you must believe I got buttfucked by a werewolf, whoa, in the dark on Hallow's Eve. Shot his load and he was done, into the woods I saw him run. I went to the hospital even though I already knew my fate. The doctor said, there's no werewolf. Those aren't real. It was probably a crackhead. He did run some tests and you definitely have AIDS. I said, don't you understand that I bear the bite of the ancient wolfman who comes in the night.

I'll mutate soon. I'll become a beast, he said. Mr. Danzig, it's possible to live with AIDS. We have resources, support groups. No! Okay, but it wasn't a wolfman. He had gay sex. It was definitely a wolfman!

I don't care what you did in the park. You're very ill. Fuck you! All right, you know what? Fuck this. You're a werewolf. I got buttfucked by a werewolf! Woah!

Not just some guy, I'm not fucking gay! Woah! I got buttfucked by a werewolf! Woah! Don't listen to what that fucking doctor's saying! I got buttfuck fucked by a werewolf. Whoa! Eat my tail, you must believe.

Whoa! I got butt fucked by a werewolf. Whoa! In the dark on Hallow's Eve. And the Mean Boys Podcast is back. We're going to play a game we haven't played in a while. One of my favorites. It's time for Whodunit.

All right, very simple game. I'm going to read you guys a story, and you will have to guess who done it. Round number one. After Blank made the dubious claim that they were bitten by a camel at a Tennessee zoo, they were arrested on child endangerment charges when police discovered weed and mushrooms in their car. Was this A, Amy Hart, star of Hulu's Love Island? B, Amy Slayton, star of TLC's Thousand Pound Sisters, or C, Amy Roloff, star of TLC's Little People, Big World. I feel like the more likely version of this story

is they put a camel out on a child at a Tennessee zoo. What do you mean? Like a cigarette. Oh. That's how you get child endangerment charges. I forgot there was two kinds of camels. Okay, so it's basically, is it a normal reality show lady, a big fat one, or a little tiny one? Exactly.

Okay. Who is the most likely to get into this animal-related mushroom kerfuffle? Roloff should be the name for the big one. That just sounds like a fatter name. Because the whole show is about her trying to get the rolls off. The great American Roloff. I thought it would be Hart because it's going to explode soon. We've gathered America's

roundest competitors. Okay, so one of these people said they were bitten by a camel and then child endangerment. Look, as somebody who had a parent who did a lot of drugs, I wish my mom was smoking weed and doing mushrooms. That sounds delightful. Those are fun

drugs. Yeah, that's some real chill child endangerment. Like, yeah, I'm going to think about nature and then, you know, neglect my kid. Cool. Oh, it was terrible. She made me watch Fantasia. Like, that sounds fucking awesome. My mom's super chill

and quoting Joseph Campbell all the time. Bitch loves the hero's journey. You got to get me out of here, CPS. So I'm going to cross off C because I don't think little people are as in danger to be bit by camels. It seems like they'd be more likely to get, like, kicked by a camel. But camels are pretty high up there. Only ground things happen to small people.

Biting is sky territory. The domain of the big man. Exactly. How small do you think a midget is And how big do you think a camel is Because I think you might be off on both measurements They like bend down to eat shit I assume They eat the ground They do eat the ground

But it would be like Could you imagine how freaked out But that's where the smalls That's the realm of the tinies Why would they bite near where their food is I mean why do we nibble on titties? Exactly. I think you're agreeing with me.

I also think that she's a smaller target and therefore less likely for a critical hit. Like, John has a smaller hitbox in GoldenEye64. I mean, the thousand pound girl makes sense because there's a lot of service area. Yeah, exactly. Statistically, she's the most likely to get bitten by a camel sense because there's a lot of service area. Yeah, exactly. Statistically, she's the most likely to get bitten by a camel just because there's the most to bite. She also might have bitten the camel first. Yeah. I mean, you're betting she can feel all them folds, you know?

That's true. There's got to be a couple that have gone like numb. Completely numb. It's a decoy fold. Exactly. I got two fingers for feeling, three for hanging. Also, if I'm a Campbell, I'd think that she'd probably look the tastiest.

But I feel like people on dating shows have bad boundaries. So she'd probably like... Tom's approaching this from every angle. How would a midget see this? What would a camel eat? This is the deductive reasoning of Professor Goss. His new book, If I Were a Cam eat this is the deductive reasoning of professor goss um if i were a camel you know what if i was a camel i would bite and you had three uh humps full of poop

if i was a camel i would bite a i just pictured tom as a professor and he has like glasses and a blazer with like the arm, but he's also just wearing a diaper. So you would just bite the basic hot chick, Tom? What's that? You would just bite the hot chick if you were a camel? I feel like people on Love Island would be the worst with boundaries and provoke the camel into self-defense. Also, I think that that is the person most likely to have weed and mushrooms in their car. Okay, all right. It fits a profile. I think that that is the person most likely to have weed and mushrooms in their car. Okay.

All right. It fits a profile. And I don't think midgets do mushrooms because I think they live underneath. Well, if they did, they would grow into normal. What am I going to eat my house? Oh, no. My domain. My fungus kingdom.

Oh, no. I'm floating away on a four-leaf clover. God, we haven't done the fucking whimsical midget since the first episode of Not A Show. The whimsical... This is a character on This Is Not A Show. You're going to be fired for one of my day jobs, y'all. I've never heard of that show. I forgot.

Is that a slur now? For like 10 years, yes. I call them whimsical adult children, okay? It's completely different. I'm sorry, hilarious Americans. I've also met little people that are like, I didn't never sign up to be called a fucking little person. Fuck that.

I'm barely not one, so I feel like, I don't know, I'm close. When people say, hey, what's up? There's a midget. They're like excited. He was like, yeah, I don't mind it. But he doesn't speak for every little person. Yeah, he doesn't represent the Lollipop Guild. As a person who part-times at the Lollipop Guild,

I'm going to say C. C, all right. Everyone got their guesses in? Yeah, I'm saying A. All right. I think everyone's wrong. It was B, Amy Slayton, star of Thousand Pound Sisters. Excellent mugshot.

One of the most deep fried looking mugshots. It looks like you put that through like 15 Instagram filters. Man, every cop in there just looked like a donut. You know what I mean? She was stressed. How are you so big while your mouth's so small? This summer, Brendan Gleeson is a crack whore in a Tennessee jail. She's got a little bit of that fat permafrown going on

where you're so fat you're always frowning a little bit. Well, like, there's nine different shapes in her face at the same time. She's got, like, two triangles. She's got a circle. I don't, like... Aw, Tom knows his shapes. She's Picasso fat.

Yeah. She's got a fucking oval in her jaw. Yeah, she's Picasso. You nailed it. I ruled her out just because weed and mushrooms are both technically vegetables, which seems... They are good for munchies. It does remind me of that game in Mario 64 where you could stretch out his face and just make... Like...

You're looking so funny, Mario. She looks like somebody took a beard feature. You know when you take the fucking, oh God, the filter where it takes a beard away from a man? Oh, sure, yeah. Never mind. I'm going to stop. She was definitely the most likely to try to eat the camel.

Yeah? Because she's fat. Thank you, Tom. Round number two. Any more meat left on this bone or should we move on? I mean, I'm sure she'd find some. All right, guys. Throwing it up, knocking it out.

There we go. Teamwork. High fives. Round number two. A blank was sentenced to six months in jail for trying to genetically engineer a hybrid species of gigantic wild sheep. Keith hit this in the monologue.

Was that A, a 23-year-old high school dropout living in rural Australia, B, an 81-year-old man, retired rancher in Montana, or C, an eccentric 41-year-old tech mogul in New Zealand? I know the answer, so I feel like I should kind of recuse myself from this round of the game. Here's where I'm punished is I was not paying attention to Keith. I didn't say the information, but I know it. Okay, then I was paying attention. I was paying attention, but my ability to remember things is really rough because I

am also 81 years old and not from Montana, but you know. And you're a hybrid species that's an affront to God. That's very true. That's very true. Half cartel, half white trash. Woo! Half Mexican, half Clydesdale. Oh, are you only half Mexican?

I didn't even know my racist joke was so accurate. It really was. I was going for more of a Fullmetal Alchemist angle. Oh, I'm a homunculus. Yeah. Aw, weebs. I feel like any time Connor starts talking about anime, we should just start talking about hockey at the same time.

That's fair. Niche interest off. So, guys, any thoughts here? I mean, I know New Zealand be having a lot of sheep. I did Google the three most sheep-having places in the world to make this a little... Tom, I can always tell when you're about to make a great point because you used the phrase bee-haven.

Bee-haven. You're Def Jam gland activated, so you're about to do some detective work. Kiwis be sheepin'. Women be sheep. This is like the biggest comic in Ireland in 1642. And where are the potatoes? We used to be swimming in them.

See, I don't think this is the Montana guy because I feel like in America we want to dominate our animals so we don't want to give them more power. I'm not going to crossbreed them with a Charmander though, as opposed to New Zealand where a bear is the king.

And I think A is a trap because I don't think they have schools in Australia. So I'm going to go with C. All right. Anna? I'm also going with C because as somebody who is 42 and dates men in the range of 35 to 45, that's the kind of audacity they show the fuck up with. So yeah, I think it's that guy.

That's just the kind of wanderlust that's left in a man's balls by the time he reaches the 35-year-old to 45-year-old demo. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I must create a new species! I have to travel.

I will be a white trash god! Honestly, this is literally the same energy as any man in his 50s who's like, I still want kids, so... Yeah, yeah. I'm like,

get the fuck out of here. You're going to be dead in a week. What about this do we need to remember for a whole other lifetime? Exactly. You said that like someone who's been stood up by a man who tried to turn sheep into the Red Hulk. And the answer

is yes. It's been a rough three years of dating. She met him through her other ex, The abomination from the first incredible hulk movie that general was kind of sexy you know confident you know in charge listen i have i think it's cute that you you think i've dated anybody with that kind of muscle foundation i've seen what you fuck. Exactly. None of them can lift.

We're counting trains and lifting lights. I guess you were serious when you threatened to date me earlier. Well, guys, the answer is actually B, an 81-year-old retired rancher in Montana. And the reason he wanted to do this was so he could make a bigger breed of sheep that would be easier to shoot in captive game hunting he was basically trying to turn down the difficulty on like captive sheep hunting so instead of becoming a better shooter he's like let me bigger sheep

bigger target over under he's still mad about title nine you know what i mean like he's so oh god it's gotta take less time to learn how to aim better than to learn how to play God. Like. Yeah, that's why the toilet seat is an important thing. Am I right, guys? Men be okay. As a guy who has a lot of manic ideas, this seems like the sort of thing that you kind of like get started and then you figure out how you're going to justify.

Well, it'll be a whole new kind of sheep. That's easier to shoot. Everyone's going to love it. In no way did I just want to make my sheep fuck my other sheep. Honestly, are you related to this man? I mean, I have the fucking blood of the white devil inside of me coursing through my veins, so I understand his motivations

on a cultural level. He does think he could be your grandfather. Yeah. Yeah. No, my grandfather's way. His brain is fucking pudding. I'd be thrilled if he was trying to make like homunculus hybrid sheep animals. I like the idea that he succeeds. He's just torturing a fucking Filipino guy named Rupert that wipes his ass every day. Shout out to Rupedog.

Dude, Rupert is holding my family together, and that's actually not even his name. I forgot his real name. It was just something like Rupert. I love the idea of this guy succeeding and he breeds the sheep too big and that brings the fall of man they run wild and take over the city it's a bunch of 20 foot sheep just beating the fuck out of the president the streets are deserted but there's like posters everywhere like five thousand dollars dead000, dead sheep, reward, dead city hall. World War... Just like a stampede of them wiping out the Vegas script. It's like the day after tomorrow,

but instead of cold, it's sheep. Somebody with AI capabilities. They're so soft and so deadly. Oh, my God. Make us an AI movie trailer of Tom's sheep-pocalypse. Make sure that Billy Joel Armstrong is riding one of those sheep. It's called Bad Ending.

Oh, yeah, next one Round number three A blank kidnapped a beloved chicken named Betty White And fed it to a fucking alligator Oh, let's go Beloved by who? Everyone that was at a zoo He basically picked up It was a very specific kind of chicken

That was known for being docile and fluffy and adorable. I forget the exact name of it, but he just picked it up out of the chicken pen, threw it in the alligator enclosure. God damn. Hit it under his jacket. Was that a 58-year-old Australian grandfather, a 32-year-old Florida woman believed to be high on meth, or a 12-year-old Louisiana boy known to his friends as Big Larry? Okay. I hope to God it is C because I need to see what child

earned the name Big Larry. Yeah. Fuck. I mean amazing day if you're the alligator. The alligator is still talking about it. He's like dude and this guy just threw a fucking chicken in my face. He was sick. You go to this guy's like trial and it's just like everybody protesting like walk him up and then one alligator that's like, dude, and this guy just threw a fucking chicken in my face. It was sick. You go to this guy's like trial and it's just like everybody protesting, like walk him up

and then one alligator. There's like justice for Big Larry. For one beautiful afternoon, one alligator had Postmates. One alligator had Uber Eats technology. He's like, that's God to me. I don't understand what's happening here. Oh, shit. Now that alligator's like, I was sunning myself

on the rock a lot that day. Maybe if I sun myself on the rock, they'll throw me another snack. It worked. I'm leaning towards A, because the meth thing, I don't know, it seems like other problems would have happened for that chicken. Like, I feel like she would have

tried to sell it with a VCR. If the tweaker's stealing a chicken, she had a different plan, or she's going to eat the chicken. She tried to pawn a chicken. Keith, it's not your mom. She's too old. And then, as much as I want to believe in Big Larry, I think that's too good to be true.

So I'm going A. That's my guess. Keith's A. Tom? All right, so here's my logic. Australia and Florida. Two places where kidnapping and chucking

a chicken into an alligator isn't news. I think it's Louisiana. I think it's the 12-year-old. I assume every day someone is stealing chickens and throwing them at alligators. They have like a

game. It's like cow tipping but for the slumps, you know, they have a name for it. Chicken chucking. It's chicken chomping. Yeah.

You boys want to go chomping? If I'm going to a zoo, I'd like, I want to see an alligator do alligator shit. I don't care about a chicken.

You can see those anywhere. So I think you did the right thing. That's a really pretty chicken. It was a purebred chicken. It's a rare kind of chicken. I can pull it up after this. I got't care about a chicken. You can see those anywhere. So I think he did the right thing. That's a really pretty chicken. It's a rare kind of chicken. I can pull it up after this. I got the link to the story.

It's got like a blue throat. It looks noble. It's dead now. It's a fancy chicken. It's fancy. I would eat them nuggets. I like Tom doing bird appreciation. He's got like a blue neck. He's majestic.

Tom is shining his bird watching app at the television. appreciation he loves birds like a blue neck he's majestic yeah i want to know what kind of time is shining his bird watching app at the oh my god we have reached full i will say this keith i grew up around a lot of chickens and none of them look this fucking elegant like this looks like the fucking lady diana of chickens it really does i want to know what kind of fucking chicken she's dead yeah your question the answer was the chauffeur just like lady diana she was killed for fucking a Palestinian chicken. I'm going to go with C, if only because I need to hear one of you do Gambit as Big Larry. Oh, Big Larry going to feed this alligator real good.

Yeah, baby. Big Larry going to make the animals go next to each other, right? Oh, sure. Gator chicken gumbo. It's like, I'm making a gator chicken like a turducken. I do believe Mr. Chomp Chomp is hungry. That's what I'm going to say the next time a man goes down on me. I'm a little chicken a la Big Larry.

Too thin. You got to put the tooth in. Oh, no. I got to take more teeth out. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tooth in You gotta put the tooth in Oh no I gotta take more teeth out Yeah Yeah yeah yeah If it's gonna be authentic I don't need teeth

But chewy Exactly Tom you got a guess Yeah I said C Tom said C The answer A A 58 year old Australian grandfather

What the fuck is up With grandfathers These days They're unwell Fucking go They're unwell. Fucking go. They're unwell. I guess you can't play catch with your grandkid anymore. That's right, Alex.

He's 58. Go back to Dadfrica. Well, I'm saying the kids don't play catch anymore. Oh, okay. Go back to Dadfrica. Or as the rest of us call it, Bass Pro Shop. Yeah. The closest Margaritaville.

Costco shoe section. Big Larry ain't got no grandpa Big Larry's his own grandpappy I'm a self-contained

circle Big Larry fucked his grandma down on the bio where did you get

Big Larry from I just made it up that's amazing motherfucking

writer asshole what do you think I know it's just so specific I was proud of you

uh what did i tell anna about that earlier round number four after losing all their money to an online scam this blank was arrested for robbing a bank was that a a 22 year old male tennessee college student turned crypto investor b a 74 year old ohio woman who owed 70 000 to family and friends or c a 56 a 56-year-old Canadian dentist named Ned with a love of NFTs. I gotta stop picking C.

It was actually Big Larry. This was a frame-up it was. Big Larry, the bank robber, his own grandfather, his fat fucking child in all of Louisiana. All right, Big Larry, I need you to get out

of this chicken filet. The big harbinist, goblinist. Big Larry gonna wipe this chicken bird off his white seersucker suit. Why does he have a suit? Big Larry is essentially

Colonel Sanders. He was a fat child. Oh, Big Larry. Hell yeah. I am both a gentleman of antiquity and a seven-year-old boy. In the bayou, I am often known as Laurent Scrawls. Laurent Scrawls! Laurent Scrawls. His French, you see.

Bring Big Daddy Big Larry some beignets. Post-taste. Post-taste. Big Larry must taste post-taste. I'm going to say A. I think crypto dick to bank robber, like the confidence level that it requires to be both those things makes sense to me.

So my issue with A is what kind of 22-year-old gets scammed? Oh, I mean. Dumb ones? Yeah. No one who doesn't know that the bank will never call you first. Yeah, that's what's weird to me about... It's always old people getting scammed. I've never heard of a 22-year-old...

When I was 18, they mailed me credit cards, and they were just like, everything's fine, don't even worry about it. Sure, I mean, it is, but that's not considered a scam, even though it is. Yeah. It is, but it's not like a,

I do believe Big Larry is needed in the shopping plaza. I must authenticate myself some new threads. Big Larry is in dire need of a new hand fan. You see, it gets mighty sweaty down here on the Gumbo Isle. Does he happen to have one? There's a whole lot of Larry in it is Wilton right now. There's a Big Larry and ary and it is wilton right now there's a big larry and a bigger son i tell you that and i'll tell you i'll tell you i'll tell you this okay

oh please tell me there's mr goss okay so this 56 year old canadian dentist named ned ned is the perfect name for a loser canadian am i right mr larry that is correct with the love of nfts that sounds too too perfect however it does lead me to believe it was a mcspadden fabrication as was big larry that was that was kind of what i was going for which is why i think i have revealed myself once again with my superior stagecraft and writing capabilities and this And this is the one I'm really hoping for. I hope a 74-year-old Ohio woman tried to rob a bank. I'm going with that. Okay. I'm going with B because I have a 93-year-old,

92-year-old grandma who's wild. She's a wild lady. She will steal things. I found her nudes once. She's unhinged. And I steal things. I found her nudes once. She's unhinged. And I just want to say that, yeah, old bitches be... Now, were these like George Costanza tasteful nudes, or was this her like popping ass in front of the bathroom mirror?

Both and recent. Great. Were you talking to your titties, or were you getting some old beef? You know what? She leaned over to let herself melt like a clock. Oh, God. My grandma did something once that was incredible. She very briefly had like a boyfriend for, I don't know, six months or something.

And when they broke up, she printed out every email he'd ever sent to her and burned them. Oh, your grandma's amazing. She printed 58 pieces of paper. She survived Pearl Harbor and that man. Yeah, I also, yeah. Something about a dentist. No. Okay.

Okay. So Tom is guessing... B. Anna guessed B. Keith guessed... A. Correct answer is B. Yay!

Big Larry has been foiled again! That was a poor 74-year-old woman. This happens to my grandma all the time. People call her and try to scam her. It's really fucked up. She owed like 65 grand to her sister, five grand to her friend. Robbed a fucking bank with like a COVID mask on.

And like we couldn't totally tell who that is. You know what they do? Is they get on to, like they get on the phone and they're just like, okay, so whatever you can do to get this money it's so important or everybody in your family is gonna die a little bit like they really convince these old ladies it's like an improv game for them where they just convince an old lady to like commit crimes yeah it's like that uh movie with the the phone booth

that i never saw oh yeah it's called phone booth i'm not i'm not kidding that is the name of the i thought it was called Phone Booth. But yeah, that lady rocks. We wish her the best. Yeah. Give her the money. Round number five. Blank is facing lawsuits from hundreds of sex trafficking victims who claim their corporate

policies turn a blind eye to exploitation. Is that A, Motel 6, B, the Red Roof Inn, or C, Airbnb? Dog, if you're getting sex trafficked and you got to stay at the Red Roof Inn, getting sex trafficked is the second worst thing that happened to you today. The Red Roof Inn is where you go when the Motel 6 and the Super 8 are full. Yeah, no kidding. That was the last place. I stayed at a Red Roof Inn in Milwaukee during the RNC.

Oh, God. It was rough. You would have been better off staying inside a gun full of meth. Yeah, God. It was rough. You would have been better off staying inside a gun full of meth. Yeah, exactly. And what was crazy is the Uber driver almost dropped me off behind the Red Roof Inn, and I went, hey, buddy, the front's over there. Why don't you stop the car? I just went full Jackie Cajun and yelled at him in Midwestern.

Oh, shit. I'm going to see. Because that's like all the people that are like true believers. Yeah. That can barely afford to be there. So they're at right roof in yo you're with the fucking heads like these people are the fucking republican head they're into this shit right i wasn't there to do stand-up or sex work or anything what i was there for was well we knew one of those things i was well i was there to do like standup at a UFO convention in Green Bay. I'm not kidding. This is the greatest day in the history of Wisconsin.

I never thought I'd be jealous of you. Yeah, honestly, it fucking ripped. And then on the way back, I was in the Milwaukee airport. The moment that Biden dropped out of the campaign. Oh, shit. And a man who looked like he had been arrested for being on mushrooms and getting bitten by a camel was getting carted by a young, attractive black guy in a fucking MAGA hat, and it said, let's go, Brandon.

And I just put my phone down and went, too soon across the airport. Because people looked shook. It was weird. Anyway. Fuck. You're guessing Airbnb. I think I'm going to agree

on Airbnb because that seems like... Well, you've had a terrible Airbnb experience. I've had a lot of terrible Airbnb experiences. Yeah, I was there for that. Oh, are you talking

about the album one? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, when I showed up and there was just like the tweaker who was just like, I'm going to hang out in here and then stole my cupcakes. Yeah, yeah.

That's not a good one. And then we complained. I can't carry Super Nightmare. Well, we complained to Airbnb, and he responded to me in the app thinking he was talking to customer service and said that he should actually get more money because we were fat and rude.

That was the exact, like he was just like, they came in and they were very fat and they didn't share. Like he was a fucking bizarro, dude. Every time fat phobia comes up in the modern era, I think, oh, we're still doing this? Yeah, we are. Yeah, we are, Anna.

I got no problem with it. Yes, we are. I was just confounded that he thought somebody at Airbnb corporate was going to be like, well, we didn't know fat people were on the app. That's so funny. What if he breaks my bed? Yeah. We thought they were going over to struggling for Airbnb.

That's where they belong. Dumb. I mean that in like, dumb. No, no, you were right. Correct, Amundo. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Tom, did you guess? Not yet.

I think it's Motel 6, because every time I'm staying at a Motel 6, which is usually where I stay, I always see hookers and follow the hookers. They leave the red light on for you. Also dumb. I'm Big Larry. We're going to leave that light on for you. I'm running a new house of prostitution. That's right. I am something of a new house of prostitutionary.

That's right. I am something of a child pimp, you see. Adult hoes, child pimp. It's actually quite heartwarming. Yeah. I'm crushing muff at a college level, despite my diminutive size. Crushing muff. Motel 6 mascot should be a woman crying through consensual sex.

I'm available for booking. Motel, $60 an hour, no kissing on the lips. That's on Anna's resume and their special sales. Cries easily. Yeah. Well, guys, the answer was the Red Roof Inn. Son of a bitch. Got the saddest not blowjob of my life there ever.

I hate Christmas. I'm always depressed around Christmas. So on Christmas Eve when I was like 20, I was like, well, I'll go get not blowjob of my life there ever. I hate Christmas. I'm always depressed around Christmas. So on Christmas Eve when I was like 20, I was like, well, I'll go get a blowjob at the Red Roof Inn.

Right? And I go to this Red Roof Inn. Okay. It's like, it's like 10, 10 p.m., 11 p.m. It's like Christmas Eve,

like 11 p.m. And, long story short, she was covered with so many open sores I just gave her the $60 and left. How many open sores would she have had on her where you went, yeah, this is fine?

Too far away from the pussy, I guess. I don't know. Oh, I'm sad. It was very sad. Well, if you want one of Big Larry's best girls, you better pay Big Larry some big money. Bitch, bring Daddy a Capri Sun. These lunchables, they get all by themselves. Stack the ham upon the cheese

from Big Larry. I think her exact words were, don't worry, it's just a skin thing. And I said, yeah, that's cool. Do you know what kind of skin thing? A really gross one. All right. The final round, as we all know,

is Why Done It? So I'm going to read you, sir. You're going to have to tell me why this happened. A female Yu-Gi-Oh! player, rare already, quit a tournament because her opponent A. was chewing pork rinds with his mouth open, B. smelled bad, or C. wouldn't stop harassing

her in-character as Kaiba from the Yu-Gi-Oh! anime. All of these are really good reasons. All of these are... I'm going to go A, because I would quit a high dollar tournament if somebody started chewing at me. I would literally kill everybody. A guy who hasn't brushed his teeth

since his fucking blue eyes or white dragon toothbrush got lost. Bro, it's so... And then when they do chew, it's just like stuck to the front because they're just like pushing forward and their mouths are still open and uh yeah no fucking yuck yeah fucking yuck yeah oh shit i'm inclined to believe it to be but you'd have to smell so fucking bad to smell too bad for uh an anime incident true you know what i mean very true i used to say especially bad it could be assumed that everyone there doesn't smell great right but this is like next level chemical warfare stink before uh anime really hit the streaming market and we were still pirating it off the internet

um there was a anime rental store called kawaii anime in um in pasadena california and it smelled a way that i could not recreate, but I know that there's like nodes of like corn chips, pork rinds, and BO, and sadness, and butt sweat. You're a sommelier for dudes. It would be really interesting making sketchy potpourri that's like this is your cousin's garage. I would hold my breath and run to the rental rack and try not to accidentally get porn.

I'm detecting notes of men who want to have sex with me but also want me to be their mom. Interesting. Yeah, that's, well, actually, that's my mating call. Right there. I have sex with my purse, come on. Exactly. Can I have one?

Exactly. Please don't clip your toenails and leave them on the kitchen table, sir. I'll be home at noon with your Lunchables. Sounds like these guys are just doing their best. Connor, you want to get married? Nope. B is my final guess.

All right, Tom. That would be such an entertaining wedding because it would not get to that. It would end in a murder-suicide. get that it would end in a murder suicide. Yeah but the fight would start in a murder suicide. That's the honeymoon you guys both would have vows that start with this bitch

as I fucking squat Connor on my back you're not doing be the only woman who squatted me to just to prove that they could do it. I'm the only one who would do it for free. I would for the fucking

she did it for free. Fuck you. I don't, I'm not fucking going to Red Roof Inn saying, hey, could you give me a piggyback ride? I want to get closer to your sores. Show me. Could you give me a piggyback ride? So that it's less bad. I want to get closer to your sores. Show me your sores.

Well, no, this woman's ass looked like a fucking constellation. I thought she was giving you a blowjob. I mean, if you're doing it right, you can see the butt while it's happening. Or maybe I was going to... I don't know. I don't know.

I've blocked out most of the memory. If anybody wanted to do a Kaiba impression to get us off of thinking about this... Well, you know what? I am sore that it is B, because... Yuki, your boner doesn't stand a ghost of a chance. Stop with the Kaiba impression. I am an adult and can't get that wedding public.

She got a text from my downstairs neighbor. Something's wrong with your plumbing. It smells wet and old down here. Kaiba is the greatest. It's a sort of acidic goop chirping through my ceiling. It burned my son. You know in Breaking Bad

when they try to dissolve the body in the bathtub? Yeah. It's like that. Inside me is just some alien from aliens. You take your pants off and your pussy has another pussy that comes out. Don't talk about Malabia that way. It's going to be through your teeth

later. Wow. Flopping around in there. She gave me a toothy blowjob with her second pussy. Still trying to figure that one out. It's like a boba stuck in the straw. Everybody guess?

I said B. All right. The answer, B. He smelled bad. Damn it. Stink ass. Stink ass. Tried to find a picture of this woman or this guy.

Couldn't do it. But we can, you know. We know what he looks like. It was a guy. I just want you to. The woman was a female Yu-Gi-Oh! player. I imagine the photo was blurry and wet like Mudang. You know what I mean? Mudang sounds like a snippet of Boom Howard dialogue.

Obsessed with that little slip. Love it. Should have with that little slip. Love it. Well, you should have been on last week. Mean Boys Podcast will be right back. Ladies and gentlemen, we are back, and we're ready to attack with some meanifestos, okay? I hope you all remember them, but to explain it, we're all dictators.

Oh, wait, Tom, can you say meanifestos again? Meanifestos! That was the jingle we made for this ten years ago. Maybe we should make another one. I'll try to catch audio of me farting in the morning for you guys. Well, I have so many... I guess you could use a girl fart on this one. Pretty much.

It's the mailman! You're messing with a junkyard dog. Miss Valadryl, I do believe your dogs are barking. Oh my God. It smells like dog breath. That's my pussy. Anyway,

this is a place where I can just be the grossest version of myself possible. Oh, it's anyway. Keith, what band? There was a band that was originally called Dog Breath. Was there? Might be the replacements. I don't know. It doesn't matter.

Okay. Anyway, Tommy, we're setting up a bit. Oh, yeah, yeah. We're all dictators, and we have to decide as dictators what we're changing with our policies. We're calling them manifestos. So that's pretty much what we're doing. Can I take a swing? Yeah.

My first manifesto this week, I've been thinking a lot about this, and it's my decree that since he is now a college graduate, we have to stop calling Tom retarded on the podcast. He has been promoted to regular dumb. Aw. There you go. I should have gotten you one of those hats. He has been promoted to regular dumb. Aww. There you go. I should have gotten you one of those hats. The CEO.

The graduation or dunce cap? The CEO of both. The CEO of dumb industries who does call himself the COE called up and said Tom is going up. I've got a tap for that joke. Okay. All right, here we go. Minifesto by Anna Valenzuela,

dictator at large. Okay. Every uncontested seat on every November ballot will have to have the only write-in option, which is Professor Tom Goss. We should at some point

just try to run you for public office. I have voted for Tom for something, because I usually follow a socialist voting guide up to city councilman, and then I just Ramsey Bedawi, Keith Carey. So I think, Tom, I might have gotten one vote for Comptroller in 2020. Sexy. Nice.

I was like, I got elected second fattest mean boy. Hear ye, hear ye. Taco Bells and Pizza Huts will now be separate but equal. Just like women. You know, the combination Taco Bell, Pizza Hut, wife.

It's not even the right kind of bigotry. It seems like it's set up to more of a transgender joke. No, it's my mean nefesto. They're separate but equal. Oh my God. I did actually get stuck in a Taco Bell drive-thru because it used to be a Taco Bell Pizza Hut by my house in Chino. And I was like, let me get a little pizza.

I'm sad. I'll eat a little pizza. That'll be great. And then they were like, this is actually Taco Bell. And there's like somebody behind me. And I was like, I don't want anything here. Now I'm just in this drive-thru. It's a Taco Bell.

Question. Why didn't you get a Mexican pizza? Because I love myself a little bit. Come on. The Mexican pizza is ass. I just... It's the most angry I've ever seen you look at me. It's both fake Mexican

and fake pizza. I don't understand your like fucking... I have a boner for 80s and 90s era Taco Bell because that was the last time I was able to eat it because it literally is made of everything I'm allergic to. But yeah, I would give my left titty to be able to just eat Taco Bell and not implode.

Just got an email from Taco Bell that says, no, we're good. They already have enough meat dehydrated meat actually shooting your titty out of the sour cream gun aww they're big enough to do that now that's if you're gonna show the before and after of me you're just gonna show a woman

who looks like a sickly marionette and a woman whose titties grew too big for the rest of her body well yeah I forgot what the fuck I don't know it doesn't matter a woman whose titties grew too big for the rest of her body. Well, yeah. I forgot what the fuck. I don't know. It doesn't matter. It's okay.

All right. Hark, all police officers must wear body cams at all times, and their wives must wear punch-proof GoPros. The only way to be sure that they did what we thought. Well, the punch-proof ones always are a little more expensive. Yeah. No, I was going to say, Ann, I don't want to hear

any woman ever refer to her pussy as dehydrated meat. I was talking about my titties, but... Oh, well, that's fine. You know what Connor was thinking about. Yeah, you're taking creatine. You're hydrated. Yeah, I'm taking creatine.

I'm on estrogen patches. So, yeah. But when you're trying to quit estrogen? Yeah. No, my body quit you're trying to quit estrogen? Yeah. No, my body quit it already. I'm telling you. All of your mean roasts of me outside of open mics came true. Yeah, it was all me, guys.

I ruined her decrepit old pussy. He is the Zoltan of my life. He is the fucking machine. Anyway, sorry. I called you a Muppet-ass bitch like three times. Oh, my God. I love that, though. That called you a Muppet ass bitch like three times. Okay. Oh my God. I love that though. That's actually really funny.

But she hated everything else. I didn't hate anything. You're very funny. I don't care. It's funny. I love you too. Okay. Holy shit.

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Don't. Don't let him make eye contact. I'm going to put up flashing letters like, Connor felt low. I'm scared.

Where's my punch for body care? A bunch of cherry trees in Japan just bloomed. But they only made Yu-Gi-Oh cards and jujitsu guys and little fucking... Anyway, sorry. I'm very sad about that. But they only made Yu-Gi-Oh cards and jujitsu guys and little fucking anyway. Sorry. I'm very sad about that. Well, folks, when you try to make a meaningless remark you didn't mean to just move on with

the proceedings in your podcast, sometimes it gets carried away. I forgot how much I love you guys as Kevin. It's come up a couple of times today, but i got a haircut before we did this i'm like we're on video i get this new haircut i was excited about it's kind of like three four inches on the top two on the sides you know kind of has my fruity homosexual new wave kind of a look to it so i got it all figured out i say take the size down to the two take an inch off the top and then it's perfect again for another two months go to the barber today he basically saw that i was pretty close to like a normal haircut and just like rounded me up to like a normal straight guy and then it's perfect again for another two months. Go to the barber today. He basically saw that I was pretty close

to like a normal haircut and just like rounded me up to like a normal straight guy comb over and I was like, I was trying to look like a fag. An inch means an inch. Don't round me up to a heterosexual normal haircut because you think that's what I want.

I do not want that. Now people are going to be trying to talk to me about basketball and shit. I want a haircut that says Joy Division, not sports. You're wearing a fucking tracksuit. You fucking sports teams. He looked at your tracksuit

and he said, you know what? I know what this heterosexual man wants. You don't get to fucking, you don't get to gender people like that, Aaron. She makes a good point. I don't know why she makes it like Cookie Monster, but she does make a good point. It's the only way. You both look like you're about to start fighting each other over the WNBA.

Go Sparks, bitch. Do you watch the WNBA? Yeah, of course. It is the best reality show on television because, first off, they have messy mascots. Shout out to fucking the Liberties. What do you mean messy mascots? Like the mascots are doing blow yeah bro fucking pete davidson and bro uh ellie the elephant out of new york is a fucking hoe and i love her for it uh and secondly uh they all of the uh all the players are fucking each

other or axes with each other and sometimes you'll have like axes and current girlfriends and like a fucking, they'll all be on the same court together, but fighting each other in ways you didn't expect. It's literally the new- Oh, because they're lesbian with each other. I was literally just thinking about Gundam. Connor looks like he showed up to a WNBA game and was sad that the W didn't stand for white. Oh, old school roast joke.

Oh, question. Which Gundam were you thinking about g really about g gundam all right this is the only one i think about sometimes when i can't sleep i put on gundam seed it's the only seed you're gonna have in your bedroom you want to do a mina fest i forgot is it my turn? Fuck. I'm so sorry. Okay. Mina Fesno. Oh, shit. Okay.

I felt that deserved 8% more. Maybe not. Sometimes the joke is good, but it's funnier to just leave the horrifying silence after it. Yeah, sure.

Every white man who's ever said they're only hiring women of color now lose their access to fat ass, wet pussy, and spice food for the duration of their entire life.

Only boiled chicken for you and your peen. You should, as a white person, have to earn spices. Yes, you should. Okay, well, this is for mine. From here on out,co club will have a no girls allowed policy finally a club for bed why costco because i want to i want to be a member you can still go there do you want to get mail at my house you can join my executive membership these macros don't count themselves. I gotta

buy meat like a teenage boy now. Okay. I mean, I would, but you're obviously not going to be allowed there anymore. Oh, God damn it. Well, you gotta buy meat with a boner you don't know how to deal with. But outside of the Festo, yes, I would love that.

That's so funny. Real taco, I would love. You just want just gonna that's so funny real taco i would love you just want that dollar 50 hot dog i i just i don't know there's something it's like like costco's like middle class walmart it's just phenomenal oh i've never i've never felt more like a princess when i walk out with that five dollar chicken like if you don't buy the chicken when you're at costco you're a cuck you're a problem they're fucking losing money on them chickens. Those chickens are Keith's size. Those chickens are fucking... What was the name of that kid? What was the name of the kid?

Big Larry. I don't believe the Big Larry chicken. I want to have the option of buying a casket of grape jelly. They just have amazing deals. I feel like you're going to get a Costco membership and then go, but oh wait, they still want money for it?

Not for the samples. That was a festo that got cut. They have to give me the samples at my home now. The Costco snack bar. They don't mail it to you. No, no, no. They get the lady. They put the little hair thing on her.

And it's going to walk over with the little hair thing. That's the weirdest part. I'm imagining just an envelope full of loose lasagna. That's so funny. Like seal ruin. Fucking. All right. These are both bad.

Under my reign, you shall no longer say shit you saw on an Instagram reel and pretend you came up with it. We all saw the very demure video. Don't lie to me, Jennifer. What is that? That's just like life now, though. It's like, no, that's just I just like I just did you real. just like life now though it's like no that's just i i just like i just did you real that's like people think it's like they're complimenting like they're like it's not even ripping off to people they don't like register yeah but i've talked to people where they say something and i go oh yeah i saw that and you see him look like

shit he found me out can i tell you something about the very demure lady uh she went on uh to through views be able to pay for her own transition and is now starting a non-profit to pay for other people's transitions i mean that's cool yeah so fucking quote it all day use that sound every day of your life is is she transgender or a cyber truck. She's been a cyber truck this entire time. I knew it. I haven't seen this video. I don't know. If I showed it to you, there's no way. Have you seen the Costco family?

No. Those TikTok stars, these fat Italian dudes from Long Island that just go to Costco. Okay, now we're talking. It's the most depressing shit you've ever seen in your life. Fuck yes. They're like, are we good?

I don't even want to get into it. I'll show you guys after the show. We'll talk about it next week or something. This is what we got instead of museums here. Fucking really. So funny. They're like, oh, is it going to be the chicken bake

or the double chunk chocolate chip cookie? I'm not exaggerating. Culture's gay. Eat a churro. Yeah. It's where the Rizzler is from, that little kid that everyone... I'm so glad I don't know what that is. Yes, you are.

Rizzler's a kind of candy, right? Yeah, they're an inferior form of red vines. Okay. This is my next meeting with Fester. This one's actually kind of serious. If you are an employee at a depressing business for weak-minded people, like a smoke shop, weed dispensary, liquor store, porn shop, donut store. You are not allowed to recognize me as a repeat customer.

It bums me out when I go to the weed store and they go, Hey! It's like, here comes a regular. It's no good. Here comes a regular. You're just mad at people. I hate it. I have to start going to a different one until

they forget who i am again i went out to vegas a couple times uh to write there's a guy at this weed shop i buy this weed thing called this brand called sauce and he started calling me the sauce boss and i'm like i fucking hate you i'm never coming here again this is awful why have you done this to me i can't i can't reminding me i'm a fucking loser with no willpower every time i come in here i was about to say you got called out at the loser store for being a loser, then you quit, took your ball home, and went to another one. Yes! I would like better customer service is less customer service at these places.

I get it. I went to Vegas a couple times to write a TV show, and the first time I went, there was a titty bar in the parking lot of the hotel. We stayed at, that was the worst strip club in America. Like it was on bar rescue. It was like a disastrous, we called it shitty titties. It was the most.

I went in there a bunch of times. The first trip to the point where I wasn't even going to like for any sexual gratification, I was going in there to like, right. Like, and just play blackjack and be left alone. Yes.

You have a question. Did you go, did you on this show happen to be writing with a balding, redheaded, now sober weirdo? Yes. How much did he love Shady Titties? He was delighted by it. Oh my God. He was absolutely delighted by it. But the point is, to Connery's point,

so I did that. So many jokes I can't make right now. I know, I know, I know. Did that, then didn't work on that show again for a year and a half. Went back, I walked into Shitty Titties, and the first stripper just goes, oh, you're back, welcome back.

And he was like, you can't remember me. Because A, I don't want to be remembered here, and B, I don't want to be so memorable that of all the weirdos who wandered in here in a year and a half, I stood out. Am I the only one who feels ashamed? It's because you were probably the nice one. What I was like, maybe she just says...

You were a nice literate boy writing words. I guess I was like, surely she just says that to everybody. She's like, oh, you write show about robots. I'm like, oh, fuck, she knows who I am. You write robot shows. She definitely got that information from your fucking co-writer. I don't know.

If I meet like a, you know, there's probably not a lot of fat, lovable robot guys coming in and fucking making a ring. You should go talk to my friends. You're a memorable, lovable guy, Keith. I'm actually, I'm a legend at the local coffee shop because, yeah, I come in towards... What are you eating that you're not

no no no i'll go in like at 8 30 before my i might be a loser who goes to the weed store every day at least i'm not a legend at my local coffee shop it's awesome because why does that guy just eat handfuls of splenda in the back no i'll I'll go in. That's protein. He calls it Tom powder. I'll go in at 8.30 p.m., like a half hour before they close, and then I order a black cold brew, and they go, is this Tom? And I go, yeah,

because it's through a drive-thru. I go, yep. They go, fuck yeah, we love you, and their professionalism drops, and they're just excited because I'm the only person there who doesn't order a fancy drink. That makes sense. So I'm just, person there who doesn't order a fancy drink. That makes sense.

So I'm just, yeah, I like the recognition. Driving away, simple goss, simple goss. They give me free coffee sometimes. You're just like, what? Thank you for not ordering a lavender fucking frappuccino or whatever people order there. Could you just call it a frappuccino? Give me one frapp of your finest Chinos.

My name, Billy Joel Armstrong. It's like a guy trying to sound smarter than he is. One frap of Chino, please. You know what? How about half a frap? I had a big lunch. A Vietnamese man jerking off in the back just for Tom. Oh,

fap Chino? Cold foam. Why is he Vietnamese? that'd be a good name for like an italian guy with a big dick who jacks off for only fans that's where i went at first uh but then my brain went more racist um uh is it my turn it is it is okay uh. Okay. Oh, man. I have a... Oh, God. I don't love any of these. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Cut all this out, please. Absolutely not. Every politician who votes against abortion rights should be forced to drink one gallon of unrefrigerated period blood. Unrefrigerated is where it gets gross. You start getting some chunks at that point. Yep.

Coagulated. Like cheese curds. The devil's poutine. Hey. A hardworking comedian spent months free bleeding over a funnel in a milk jug for this. You're going to drink it mister okay um uh all right hear ye hear ye when rap is playing black people must cover their ears so that i may say the n-word freely without worrying if i'm crossing a line they're violating your space you're decreeing earmuffs.

Also, I will be the only person allowed in Costco. Oh, man. Could you imagine just being a Costco by yourself? Yeah, your own private Costco. That's my make-a-wish. I just want a Costco to myself. Except for all the sample workers. This is like your Michael Jackson fantasy where I want to go to a fake Costco

with fake people shopping in it so I can feel like a person. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I want to park up front and just get gas. Okay. Yeah. Anyway, continue. All right. Henceforth, if a celebrity dies and you do that thing where you post a 10 paragraph post and it boils down to I met them once for 10 seconds and it's just an excuse to post a blurry photo of you and a disinterested famous person you will be buried with them like a pharaoh's cats

you know what i fucking agree dude i'm so for that's such a deeply comedy thing that you just did that's just shove you right in the matthew perry hole like you people die that i like loved and i'm like i don't even want to write anything because i just feel like one of these idiots writing something to write something you know yeah yeah no I yeah there's it is it is like well I don't want to post about them because I don't want to seem like I don't know them

yeah really that's so funny well like also to like name dropping is not the same as throwing rice on their rice dirt over their coffin man I don't even know how you're married to the grave right rice dirt over their coffin. Man, I don't even know how marriage works. You're married to the grave. You're throwing rice.

Murder press. You're throwing dirt now. Put me in a chair. Where do I put this toaster? You're writing just ripped on their coffin. Oh, fuck. You're so... Oh, God. Your writing just ripped on their comments. Oh, fuck. You're so... Oh, fuck. Throwing rice at a dead

guy is so funny to me. We know what we're doing at Tom's funeral. You're earth-married. Tell you what I'm doing at Tom's funeral. Being dead for 15 years. I love your ground wedding. We wed you to the ground. I'm doing a Thomas funeral being dead for 15 years. I love your ground wedding. Ground wedding.

We wed you to the ground. I now pronounce you dead and under there. Oh, God. Well, unless anyone has any objections, I think the Mean Boys podcast will be right back. All right. The Mean Boys podcast returns. It's time to take a dip into the mean boys mailbag i didn't realize a thing about this until I was editing the last episode because it was the first one we've used the mailbag jingle

since we've been on video. That is a long time of us just sitting here listening to our own theme music. It's very funny. I was trying to make up things to put on as subtitles. Here's the phone number. I don't know. You can figure it out. I saw that.

It was in need of maybe a graphic. Yeah. Well, it's such a jaunty tune for what ends up just being a lot of middle-aged men's call for help. You know what I mean? They're just like, I'm having the best. Get amped up for some suicide. Well, you can leave us a voicemail at 562-584-6326.

That is 562-584-6326. First email comes to us from listener Nick. He writes, hey, mean boys, very excited. You're back to continue our lovely parasocial relationship. My life rules, mostly because I don't live in your hellscape of a country. Question, if money wasn't an issue, which country would you most like to do a comedy tour of thanks for the free content nick oh this is a great question i have to think for a second because there's several countries i'm i

know keith just went but i would i'm very tempted to say japan yeah i would love to do more like touring around japan and like i know it's a country but country, but there's a little run in Asia you can do. Yes, and I've done it, but I missed Cambodia and Japan because the same comedy club offered me a little judging spot on the yield roast battles, but I would have lost a tremendous amount

of money flying there. Oh, yeah, that'll do it. I know that hustle. Yeah, so I would love to go back. But you're a comedian of moderate fame, allegedly. That was a, because that tour will pay for your airfare, basically. So it just basically. You're only getting a moderate payment.

Yeah, you're getting like, you know, you're getting medium money. It's still, I mean. It's expensive to fly out there. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, still i mean expensive to fly out there yeah yeah well you can't really do merch out there either right because of the tariffs and all that or oh yeah sort of it fell off the truck like that's true i mean you set up some t-shirts outside the fucking club and you actually you can't prove that i don't wear the same t-shirt every day in a bunch of different sizes that are shrink wrapped and then throw the shirt away immediately afterwards what if that's just how i roll i don't do laundry i did stickers

and buttons um and the funnest part about that is i reported you to interpol yeah please uh for the 20 i earned um and also but it was fun we i did uh thailand and singapore and uh and the philippines i'd love to go through the philipp. It was the best audience on planet Earth. Nice. Yeah, no one laughs harder than a Filipino person. I think Australia is of the places I haven't done. Just because I'm thinking, that's like the furthest other side of the planet,

like middle of fuck-ass nowhere you could do shows. I think you just want to get on Australian Tinder to see if it swipes in the other direction. I'm bad. Or also to hear a woman come on somebody in Australia and then it comes right back at you. It comes back at you and you go no.

The goomerang. Okay. Okay. I would love to do a full tour of Canada because I've done a bunch of shows up there. And I've never not had the best time of my life. Montreal, Ottawa, the Yukon, all like very different size shows. All of them so much fun. And I love the crowds up there.

But since I've already done that, I'd have to go probably Great Britain. I've never been to Europe. Okay. I want to see what it... I would love to see what it's about. Keith would go and they'd be like, are you available to be a tooth model? Oh my god. Your teeth are so beautiful.

The hottest mouth on the island. I was just going to say, I can't be around that many autistic colonizers and in the cold. I'll be my most vulnerable. So it's like putting a fire Pokemon in water. I will be trapped and I will... Fucking colonizing my ears with these annoying analogies. Okay.

Where would you go? Japan. I love the architecture. Japanese architecture is beautiful. I have a strong interest in Buddhism, so I would love to see some of the temples and shrines and such. A Shinto shrine? You've never asked me about it.

You don't seem to like to talk about Buddhism. That's fair. And I want to drive the toge, goddammit. I want to fucking drive the goddamn toge. See, if it's just visiting a country, Japan would be high on the list, but I think there's only one place to do... There's like two spots to do that.

They're 20 minutes apart. Here's the thing, Tom. I hate doing comedy. I love driving the toge. It devolves into tokapi. It means mountain pass road. Hear me out. Stop in Okinawa because there is an American base there, number one. there number one and number two

i get to do two weeks of getting beat up by old japanese men um because that is like it's that's actually like my dream tour is to actually do the dojo tour through okinawa i forgot you did fucking grown-up karate for a second yeah third degree black belt and wait for you i was like what is it that grown-up karate is even more childish than kid karate? I want to go back to the tiny deer island. Did you get to go to the tiny deer island?

I wanted to. It's just an island filled with deers that are like this tall and they're like dogs, but they're deers. The way my shit shook out, I didn't really get to go

anywhere but Tokyo, so I want to go back and like build in time and actually go like to outside. Should I tell someone that it's deer? The deers?

There's so many deers. Keep saying deers. It's better. Deers. It's actually deers. Expat fans in Asia, if you would like to see this lineup of humans, and honestly, just the three of them would be good. You could fly out them mean boys,

pay them to do a house party in your weird mansions. You have money out there. Who do you think listens to this show? Do they have mansions in Japan? Well, that's a whole thing. They have two bedrooms. Yeah. When we have a guy with a wife and a job that can put us up,

that's big news. Yeah, and then pay for a little extra. You'll get to see a real Mexican, at least half a real mexican and uh and i'll make sure they don't die of scurvy dude i when i was in uh japan i was in i'm actually cool i'll take the scurvy there's a there's a chunk of like oh sorry do i have to wait for no i'm just sad now look i know menopause hit you like a ton of bricks, but at least your pauses are still pregnant. You got that stuff from eating chocolate.

Oh, my God. It's the only pregnancy I'll know. When I was in Japan, there was like this run of bars called the Golden Guy, and it's all just these like tiny little bars down this alley, and you just dip into wherever, and they hold like eight people. They're super small.

I found one that was like the heavy metal and horror-themed bar. It was called Deathmatch from Hell. And I walked in and literally I got in and there were just five Mexican dudes from Southgate

talking about the angels. Shut the fuck up. And I was like, holy shit, I found the motherland. Oh my God. You somehow found Long Beach in Japan?

I found the kickflip embassy. Did they call you a fool or a slur? Literally, I looked at one of them and I'm like, I'm sorry, I'm feeling a little homesick.

Can you just go stupid? And he did it. It was pretty fun. Aw, cute. Yeah. I love it. That's cute. Okay, well, this email comes to us from a listener.

Hey, Mean Boys, I just listened to episode 230. I have no idea how to take a video of my unborn baby listening to the Asana Ma'at episode of Mean Boys because I have no extra camera nor wired headphones attached as my proof. Photo of 38-week pregnant belly and one of my Sonogram photos, my bottle of prenatal vitamins,

my AirPods, and the speaker I use to listen to while at home at work. I assume I'm in a minority of your listeners who, one, planned a baby, and two, are still with the other parents. So, some... Well, that's very cute for you guys. But also, if you can't figure out

how to take a photograph and play sound on two different devices, you may not be ready to be a parent. I don't know. It seems like not a hard problem to solve. Honestly, the baby can hear it coming through your little head. I don't know. It took nine years to put this shit on video. That's fair.

This is a deep fake. Explain. What? I just, I think it's a deep fake. It's actually very sweet. It's actually, yeah. You know what I was thinking about it? I guess like a baby can't understand

that we're fucking talking about Jews. It just hears the laughter and the friendship and the happiness. And listening to Mean Boys is maybe not the worst thing. And they hear that there's no Jews on the podcast. We've had many Jews. Many Jews on the podcast. Not on this one.

Dave Cyrus. That's most of them. One of my day jobs because I do not write for money the way that you men do. Oh yeah. I'm rolling in it.

The dick made it so much easier to get a job in Hollywood as white and 26. It's true. When I yeah I work at a

Jewish community center and the funniest thing about that is people come in just assuming I'm Jewish because of my everything. And then usually a little lady, she'll just start talking, like, just, you know, all the secrets. And then she'll say, and then she'll go, you're Jewish, right? And I'll go, absolutely not. I said, but I appreciate you including me. And she goes, you look Jewish enough.

You're Jewish. You don't look like an American. Just overbe including me. She goes, you look Jewish enough. You're Jewish. You don't look like American. Just overbearing and having those. Well, you don't look like American Jewish to me, but you do look like you could be Israeli. I get that all the time. Literally, people are like, where are you from? The other thing is

sometimes I work... You look like the lady who's still holding on to the raped 100 dead babies thing. You look... the lady who's still holding on to the raped 100 dead babies thing. Who's still like, it happened though. Some of us are trying to get jobs, Connor. How dare you? There was fucking no credible evidence. I forget my joke off.

No, I was going to say. You look like the kind of Jewish that beat the shit out of Woody Allen when he was in high school. Hot. That's hot. But I will say, when I work the singles mixer, I want to wear a button next time that says, no uterus, no reason to talk. Connor got bored and is just littering in my office. Jesus Christ.

Are you crying on the camera? These are the emails we've already read, so I can keep track of them. Jesus Christ. The ones we haven't read are under the recorder. Let's play voicemail. I almost landed in my shoe. You're not close. Hi, I just listened to your most recent episode, and Tom's wrong.

Ferrets, well, no, he's not wrong. Ferrets are great and terrible pets. They're great pets because they're social. They only have like two hours of energy before they crash for 15 hours. They're nature's little, you know, crackheads. I feel like she just described Connor. I'm just like, here are some of my frantic... Here are some of my here are some of my

frantic ferret thoughts and furthermore the scurrying is not as obtrusive as it's made out to be quit halfway through the sentence yeah

there is no goodbye ferrets that was the sound of ferrets eating her brain oh god the ferrets I feel bad because I don't remember

what I said about ferrets a lot of stuff well let's see if the next voicemail is. I'm at work, bitch! Yeah! Hell yeah! Nope.

No clarity on the ferrets. Hi. Call us back, lady, and tell us. Yeah, I don't know what happened to your message. It got screwed up. You must have dropped it in your fucking sonogram gel or something. Yeah, no. Animal voicemails are always welcome,

especially when, you know, we make jokes a lot, but we always need someone to clarify stuff on the voicemail. You guys should send in bird calls and have Tom identify them by their sound. I'm not that good at watching. I think we actually pitched to name that bird. I'm working on it, actually.

It is going to be a thing. Dude, I saw, okay, I'll get into this, but we going to be a thing dude I saw okay I'll get into this but we got to do it fast because the battery is dying on the camera I saw a flyer we have like a bunch of like missing dog or like where'd my kid go flyers that get posted in our neighborhood on the right post where'd my kid go

a bird one's the funniest one it's always the funniest one I wanted to take Tom out in the streets of Long Beach to try and find this bird yo thinking like a bird and a safari of Long Beach to try to find this bird. Yo. Thinking like a bird. Where are the french fries? and a safari hat and we're going to find that bird.

Tom Goss, bird dick. I didn't have the proper hat. I wasn't able to find it. I'm bird the bounty hunter. Tom's like, well, I killed seven men

but I found a bird. It's clearly the wrong bird. He's the Bronson of birds. The John Wick of avians. I have like a golden eagle and like a bear claw trap. You gotta have a ghost face eagle

on your wrist. That would be sick. But it's like some obscure ass tom bird. The peregrine falcon. That's not an obscure bird at all. It's the fastest bird ever. How is a peregrine falcon not an obscure bird? It's the fastest bird. It's a very famous bird. It's fast. I don't know bird stuff. That's not an obscure bird at all. It's the fastest bird ever. How is a peregrine falcon not an obscure bird? It's the fastest bird. It's a very famous bird. It's fast. I don't know birds. It's like

the Corvette of birds or something. It's the fastest animal. I know the California condor because I might be related. I don't know. But yeah, no, that's obscure would be like, I don't know, the acorn woodpecker.

That's my username when I'm on the men's rights forum. It's a California condor. All right, well, I think that's the show for this week. We've got a live show coming up October 18th at 8 p.m. at the Third Wheel in Hollywood. Tickets are on sale now. The link is in the show notes and the video description. Please buy tickets.

They're going fast. I don't want to brag, but we've sold one ticket. I'll go. For boys, we've booked two comedians. I will go and just compliment Connor from the back the entire time.

You look great! Well, see you guys next Halloween. Thank you, Anna Valenzuela, for coming on the show. You're great. Thank you. next halloween thank you anna valenzuela for coming on the show you're great thank you thank you for having me and it's got an album out yeah it's called murder puss you can find it at anna valenzuela.com burn this records.com you can get it wherever you stream things a question i get a lot and also thank you to all the mean boys listeners that have approached me on the road have dm'd me have complimented me on the album thank you uh i haven't been on the show in 152 years i haven't been on this show since i was fertile and uh the fact that you guys keep me

in your hearts and you're better you're better baron you're better baron i think so too i give zero fucks now i have a zero fucks count. In form, emptiness, in emptiness form. And I think a uterus with nothing in it is more conducive

to comedy than one that's full of life. Put that on my gravestone. And you can find me at AnnaVie's Funny on all of the social medias. Also,

it's hurtful that they always approach you because they do not approach us 90% of the time. I'll get a DM like, I saw you last night. But they usually do not it was hiding behind a bush yeah i didn't want

to bug you so i hid underneath the table when you were on stage to be fair connor rejects compliments and kindness literally runs away from it you look like you're trying to organize your thoughts all the time and keith is and yeah and so but i guess guys approach give them give them a nice especially connor especially connor doesn't want to admit he wants all of you trying to bug him at the start he needs love most mean boys fans that meet me are like whoa you're you're nice. What the fuck? Yeah, he loves eye contact, gifs, and hugs. And mentioning his haircut. Oh, he loves a compliment on his haircut and his outfit.

Well, the camera's almost dead, so... Go up to him and be like, I love your haircut and totally not gay tracksuit. 2% on that camera. Follow the show. Join the discard. Follow me on Instagram at Keith Tells Jokes. Cool. Yeah, just follow TomCow's

comedy on Instagram. That's it, everybody. Fuck everything. God is dead. Love you. Better not fucking follow me on Instagram. Fuck everything. God is dead. Fuck everything. God is dead. Outro Music