Mean Boys - EP 233 - Toilet People (ft. Fifi Dosch)

Episode Date: October 23, 2024

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Learn more at TurboTax.ca slash business tax. Hey everybody, welcome to the Mean Boys Podcast. Make the new friends, but keep the old. Some in silver, and the others bronze. I'm Connor McSpadden. I'm Tom Goss. I'm Keith Carey. And I'm...

Finally back with that pack of smokes you went out for. Starting there, are we? Starting there. In a cheeky way. Oh, there we go. We are so happy to have Fifi Dosh back on the program. Hi, everybody. Good to be back. I mean, I guess, in theory.

I've got to say, you know, could go any number of ways. Yeah, I mean, this can only jeopardize my career. There's no possible upside to appearing on this today. There really isn't. Welcome to the people's gutter. You really sold low and bought back in low. Yeah, yeah. I mean, the only upside is I get to hang out with y'all and I don't enjoy your company.

No. That's not true. Fifi once walked up to the three of us smoking and gave us a very labored i did not ever breathe oxygen okay now i believe you i was there motherfucker that happened that's excellent of a point it was i didn't think i was did like the hack 1994 like coughing at you but when the oxygen thing that's on brand i got that I added for cuntiness, I will admit. That was a fabrication. Oh, okay.

Well, there we go. Well, how does it feel to return to the program, all growing up now? It feels very good. We're all snug as a bug in a rug in the studio right now. Really enjoy it. We can't record this comfortably. You remember how it started. That's true. At least this is a different kind of squalor.

Yeah, in a basement with spikes on the ceiling where if you stood up, your head would be impaled by spikes. That was my squalor. Yeah, in a basement with spikes on the ceiling where if you stood up, your head would be impaled by spikes. That was my home. Yeah. Yeah. Thank you, it's home. I think we ought to really record

under like a weighted blanket altogether. I think that'd be a much better vibe. Just all curled on each other like that picture of Yoko Ono and John Lennon. Yeah, yeah. There's a lot of ambient noise bleeding in from the Costco around us. Yeah, yeah. It adds to the pod. Our bleeding in from the Costco around us. Yeah, yeah.

It adds to the pod. Our feet are sticking out at the end with Christmas stockings on. This is going to be great, guys. Can we make our feet roll up like the Wicked Witch of the West? No, is there a way we could turn our feet into a big little family where there's daddy feet and mommy feet and little baby feet? Oh, that'd be lovely. If there's comfort, I will set it on fire.

We know this. By the way, this is neither here nor there, but I will kick myself if I don't bring it up. Robin and I were talking the other day, and we decided that Connor looks like a woman who disguised herself as a man to fight in the Civil War. I think just a brave Irish lass for whom churning butter was not for her.

If you don't think about what side, it's actually a very inspirational story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. A brave Irish lass for whom churning butter was not for her. Not for her. If you don't think about what side, it's actually a very inspirational story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Appalled at the notion of slavery. We did once look at the ratio of McSpadden's in the Civil War, south to north. It's like 80-20 gray, baby. It's not good. Carter Confederate Mulan McSpadden.

Mulan was my favorite movie when I was a kid. I loved that movie. It must have been my past life regression coming back. Oh, I love that for you. I'm not being in this movie until I get a white Mooshu. God damn it, I love freedom, but I love Virginia Moore. I got a house dragon and a field dragon, you see. Maybe not when Eddie Murphy's in the film, Pete For goddamn Chris Pratt playing the dragon

I mean, I'd say go ahead Chris Pratt is a black dragon Brian, what's up everybody? I'm black Brian McSpadden, why are you going around Gathering loose mustache hairs? It's a me, Mario. My uncle is a three percenter. I'm a tuck in it for states' rights.

Libertarian Mario. Not the right to concealed carry, I think he meant. I say I'm against the mushroom kingdom, but I enjoy all its benefits. Start to stomp on me. I collect so many bitcoins. Don't tread on me, but it's Bowser. It's just a question mark. It's full of bitcoins.

A driver's license is our fascism. That's good. Back with the Ron Paul revolution here you made one Connor burn and now you're just glowing it's nice to see it come out of your shell can I tell you IE driving a truck drunk am I being entertained

I could not sleep last night I was laying awake in bed just having PTSD of being called a pudding faced zilch with no personality it was bitch Christmasy of being called a pudding-faced zilch with no personality. It's like it was bitch Christmas-y. I was like, that was a long time ago, and things are different now.

Yeah. Right now I feel like the Grinch, and her heart shrunk three sizes this day. I'm smart, and I want respect! I'm not dumb like everyone says! This is like the second It movie where we all tried to forget, and now it's come back i'm convinced on an emotional level all of the emotional abuse i levy to tom was just

downstream of the initial waterfall from you and it's just a hurt people hurt people story it's good to see you take credit for it i gotta say i think the godfather 2 reference is on point you're kind of the john kazal of la comedy and that when you show up, you're great, but if you don't, if you're gone for seven years, no one misses you. I don't... No one's asking what's he doing. You have a kind of, oh, he died energy.

Oh, three years ago, huh? Wow. Are you sure? Google that. I think there is a moderately notable twink-sized hole in the stars of Los Angeles. Hey, I'm actually dead right now.

Yeah. On the wall of the comedy store. It just says, make God go, yeah, it was all right. Keith Carey's friend. You do have the physique of a twink stretch Armstrong, I would say. Why did I remind her of this comedy engine?

What do you think would happen here? Yeah. This is already my favorite episode. I thought I might get seven minutes, but no, six and a half, fine. I thought I moved on and I was nice now. Here we are. Six minutes in. I know you already kind of made

this joke, but it does feel like the comedy version of watching my dad come home and beat up my step dad. this joke, but it does feel like the comedy version of watching my dad come home and beat up my stepdad. I know both of you don't love me, but at least you're aiming it at him now. That's not true. There are people you can't help but bully, though, Fifi, right? There's people that just you can't help but yourself, but like, you know, not you specifically,

but one in general. Well, I mean, if you're referring to Derek Murray, I mean... I was referring to Derek Murray, Fifi, yeah. I was referring to Derek Murray, Phoebe. The hardest I've ever laughed in my life was when you nonstop laughed at Derek Murray for some shithole bar show in OC somewhere. Lucky John's, yeah. And you would not stop making fun of him

for 45 minutes. And he wouldn't just walk away because he has very like, oh, people are paying attention to me energy. Yeah. Never laughed harder than that in my life. Everyone loves a victim. Yeah.

Literally, Fifi said with roasting, it was like, your cooking is so good, you should open a restaurant. And that was your, like, Tony Soprano Christopher-ing me in thing, where all of a sudden, I was a fucking roast battle person now.

Yeah. Oh, boy. Responsible for that, huh? What a great... You know, I'm not blaming you. I laugh at you making fun of Derek Murray. Next thing you know, your penis is out on Comedy Central. It was really...

You can't take it back. Well, I would take that long piece there. I remember the joke in question. It was, do you wear superhero t-shirts because they have two identities and you don't even have one? Incredibly cruel. Completely sincere. If I laugh, I'm part of it with one tear rolling down his face

maybe we should believe his name I don't want to I suppose fuck him I'm going to add his name three more times I'm so glad that you knew exactly what I was talking about that's a very fond memory I gotta say I do remember the time we I I'm going to own this we mentioned like hey you

should hey hey you should hey listeners you should jerk off in a picture of ramsay and then they did that video file maybe do some bleeps shows up in my uh passport uh external hard drive every once in a while like oh yeah why do i have that i'm trying to track that down on porn hub because i know it was uploaded and i can't find it i think we have a mean boys official porn hub that has been dormant for too long i think whoever decides who lets people into heaven has that video backed up on three hard drives. Has to not lose it because it's going to be important. I made a very stray remark about someone coming on a bust, a 3D printed bust of Ramsey's head.

And two hours later, I go, hey, what's on the Discord? Some guy's like, some of these pictures aren't really rendering right in CAD. But I think if I got a couple more from different angles from Connor, I might be, and I was like, let's just nip this in the bud. See, I'm going the other direction. If you send us homemade porn that is in any way Mean Boys themed, I will put it on the internet. Oh, there you go.

He's being sex positive. There you go. I'm a team player. That's what I am. That was the wokest thing you've ever said. And might I add the N word. Just ruin it. Super duper.

Good to see you boys. Let's just get into the Mexican Joe cosplay. Hi, so topical. Oh, did you forget, Fifi? Did you forget? I did. The creation you invented? I did. The creation you invented? I did, yeah.

Still tense as usual? Yeah, for sure. Look what you have wrought. I love that I'm like, we have a soundboard and we're in a different shitty room. And I'm like, Fifi gets to see us all grown up. Yeah, how far we've come. We've come so far, that pile of undried towels on the couch. We had these little thingies, the arms to hold the mics, but they were such dog shit.

It was like they were made in Soviet Russia. These things were unbelievably ass. They looked like Edward Scissorhands' fingers. They were all just rusty and didn't quite line up. You ought to see Robin and I's operation. It's just two autistics doing their best. It's utterly laughable. If there's anything two autistics should be able to do,

it's put together a podcast studio. And by that, Robin, I do mean one autistic. Do you know what I'm saying? Yeah, we should point out you. Robin lays on the couch and makes suggestions. That'd be a huge step up. Actually, it'd be way smarter if we did it like this.

What if you did it and then I complained about it for a while? And then it was good, but I thought it was bad. And then eventually I said it was Michael Jackson. That reminds me of something that has nothing to do with this whatsoever, but I will subject you to a 35-minute spiel about it.

Right now, Robin's going, someone's talking about me. Robin's the Derek Murray of comedy. No. I'm being a real Blair White right now. Anyway. But yeah, what I was going to say is Fifi and Robin are launching a podcast.

What's it called? When does it start? It's called The Skinsuit Podcast. It is available on November 11th. The most important 11th in history. Okay, well everyone... Yeah, I just wanted to get the plug in there. Appreciate it, yeah.

You all stare at me like it's going to be my turn. Please guide us. So fuck it, it's my turn. Now you plug Fifi's podcast. The Skinsuit Podcast. Oh, I think I just muted everything on accident. Can you guys? I hear everything.

I hear everything. Okay, I think I just muted my headphones. There I go. Okay. All right. You might have just muted Fifi's mic. Did you mute her for the plug? God, I'm silencing women without even trying.

Oh my God. All right. At least you silenced women without even trying. Oh my God. All right. At least you silenced one. I guess we'll find out. At least you silenced one that used to be a man. That's a step up, Hunter. Incremental progress.

There you go. No, let's get it nice and tense here. In a recent interview, Al Pacino said it's fun being a new dad at 84 years old. He then added,

I don't know. being a new dad at 84 years old. He then added... His cum is in a wheelchair. Look at how it's typed. Oh, my God. That is Al Pacino-sized porn. Dude, did you see the rest of that interview where he pulled out, I'm not joking about this, the Shrek phone case?

Yes, of course. Al Pacino has a Shrek phone case? Yes, of course. Al Pacino has a Shrek phone case, and he was doing this sit-down with the BBC, and it's this very regal BBC interviewer, just like, I'm sorry, I have to ask, why Shrek? He's like, my daughter, you gotta have Shrek. All those English people sure hate the Scots, don't they?

I'm a lowly worm in the world of showbiz, but I do hear rumors sometimes, and somebody once told me he had a Shrek case. Oh. Yeah, it was Keith right now. What? Smash Mouth. I thought you were going to make a joke

about his Shreksual assault allegations. Somebody once groped me. Somebody once groped me Somebody once groped you Hey now, sign this NDA We weren't there, donkey We don't know what happened It was a freak off donkey I ain't the hardest guy in the shack

What are you doing in my baby oil? It was a freak off donkey. I ain't the hardest guy in the shack. What are you doing in my baby oil? What are you doing on my cock? Shrek, these girls are looking like you, Shrek. The rules are different in the swamp. Cabinetry homework, Shrek. All right. wall. Geometry homework, Shrek! Alright. A New York man has been arrested for child sex

abuse and animal cruelty. How cruel do you have to be to an animal to have it lumped in with pedophile? Well, the meat industry is a problem, Tom. We have a lot of fun here in the Mean Boys podcast. Did you know? Fifi the Uton sinclair yeah

they're packed into tiny cages pedophilically they are veal is the pedophilia of meat well we're racing for that one oh boy oh fucking hell there's a lot of dog abuse this week uh like in general in the world yeah there's a lot of dog abuse this week. Like in general? In the world? Yeah, there's a lot of news. Animal News was full of... We need a stinger for that. This week in dog abuse with Tom Goddard. I was looking for cute Animal News,

and it was all just people hitting dogs. Breaking news. Breaking news. Poodle is sad. 4-11. Anyway. The IDF killed Hamas leader Yahya Sinwar following what it calls a routine operation.

Sadly, the routine operation was her bottom surgery. Rest in power, queen. Ah, I said Gaza and trans shit. Riff on that, career losers. Man, these landmines look very separable. All right. Bath and Body Works discontinued a candle containing what appeared to be

KKK imagery. In a related story, white supremacists detonated a bath bomb at the Oklahoma City Federal Building. 400 kids smelling chamomile. There was a daycare in there. The coriander was very exfoliating. The Twin Towers fell and Wall Street was covered in Epsom salts.

A dark day indeed. Okay, this one seems fun. Fun joke. Let's do a fun... Yeah, fun energy. A baby was on fire. Okay. The man who tied a dog to a post during Hurricane Milton

was arrested. The man tried to defend himself saying, Milton doesn't want to kill. Milton wants to hunt. Oh. I don't get it. It's a Jurassic Park reference. Yeah.

I'm picturing the dog is fine, but the wind is just like, blowing like a fucking kite. Don't get me wrong, Connor. You are correct. We are all wrong for enjoyment. Don't get me wrong, Connor. You are correct. We are all wrong for enjoying this. Very much. I wish I did. You're on the right side of history.

Whatever the opposite of clever is girl. Oh, hey, I got a weather joke. Meteorologists predict a storm called Diablo Wind may spark wildfires in California this weekend. Scientists say they chose the name after looking at one of Connor McSpadden's body sprays despite being in his early 30s.

My ax body sprays? Yeah, like that. Diablo Wind? Yeah. Diablo Wind, Chode Thunder. Oh, okay. Fuckboy Lightning. Cryptoblast.

This is a product I use. I told you not to make fun of my Crypto Blast body wash. Arctic date rape. The fact that there's not an Axe Baja Blast crossover. Somebody needs to get fired. Oh, fuck. All right. Geese in Portland are becoming obese from overfeeding.

The obese Portland geese reportedly also have been seen getting septum piercings and sharing infographics about free bleeding. It's fine. It's fine. It doesn't. I like a goose joke. And geese fuck. I mean, if any animal

would fight the man, it's a goose. Yeah, they do it all the time. Dude, Mallard's are... Fuck you, they do it all the time. Dude, mallards are... Honk throws a brick. Fuck you, I won't honk what you tell me. Honk against the machine. If ducks were... Like, mallards were...

Like, a male mallard was, like, people size, we'd all be fucked. That's a dummy. Oh, no. Ducks are bootlicker birds. I've been saying it for years. Oh, male mallards are fucking... Dude, they're super predators.

They're going around... We got Tom on the birds again. Wait, what size... But female mallards are just chill? They're just getting raped all the time, if we're being honest. I can't tell you how many conversations with Tom include doors. They're just trying to, like, mind their business. Hard working duck women.

Oh, dude, you don't want to watch Mallard sex. I promise I don't. You've never been more right about anything you've said on this show. Have you seen Mallard sex?

No, I haven't. I wouldn't watch it. Don't watch it. I kind of want to see someone give a handjob to one of those corkscrew dicks so it goes

boink, boink, boink. Like a Looney Tunes kind of thing, you know? You drag a bead around it like that thing you used to play with at the dentist's office. kind of thing. You know, you like you drag a bead around it like that thing you used to play with at the dentist office.

Yeah, exactly. You ever like strip a bolt when you're doing repairs? I believe it. A woman called 911 when a hundred aggressive raccoon

scientists have cooled a sample of positronium to record low temperatures. They believe it might be... You can start again. One Direction's Liam Payne has passed away after falling from a hotel

balcony in Argentina. It's just a shame that One Direction of his was directly down into the concrete below. Alright. The dude from One Direction is dead. The dude. That dude from One Direction is dead. I guess the direction was up the tracks, not across.

He fell out a window. Yeah, but we don't know if he killed himself first. Maybe I didn't know how he died. I feel like we do. Can a ghost fall, Tom? No, they're not affected by gravity. No, but you've heard those stories of those people who are like, I'm going to slip my wrist and then hang myself and then jump off a cliff and then everything. Tom, Tom, if you have a story, I have not heard that story.

That's your brand, sweetie. Dead guy kills himself. Anyway. Man kills self so hard, comes back to life. No, people are always talking about that. Like, yeah, he shotgunned himself and then fucking fell in a pile of lawnmowers and then a bird attacked him. I have always thought if I was going to kill myself, the way to do it is like stand on

like a big tall building, but shoot yourself with a shotgun. So you die. Like, just ensure the job gets done. And then everyone's like, there's a trampoline park underneath you. Fuck! The way to kill yourself is you super glue your hands to the side of your head. You have a razor-wired noose around

your neck. You jump from a stool so that it cuts off your head and it looks like you ripped off your own head with your hands. Like, ah! See, I want to do the same. It would be fun, right? Yeah, it would be fun. Weirdly, that whole sentence is another flavor of

Connor's body spray. Anyway. Retailer Amazon is accused of selling unsafe toys throughout the European Union. Among the dangerous toys included their best-selling stuffed animal, Warehouse Piss Bottle Petey. The only doll you can drink. Piss bottle PD's behind

on his productivity numbers. Hit it till it works. The camera said he was singing while driving the truck. Off to jail for him. The battery's died. Guess we're replacing it with a Chinese one. Let's do this.

For the first time, women are being allowed to compete in the Red Bull Rampage dirt bike competition in Utah. It is the biggest moment for gender equality in sports since a man was allowed to enroll in the World Series of Complaining. Look. You broads. And I almost won that World Series. Boomer humor is elite humor, everybody. I'm not even kidding here. Enjoy it thoroughly.

Thank you. Yeah. We should study it the way you watch the Marx Brothers films. The only person that liked the joke was the woman, confirming that it was not funny. Yeah, I think she was using something called sarcasm. Okay. Pain within every minion meme is one of the amino acids of comedy.

I like how hostile today is. I know. It's a little venomous. Yeah. Open on. Yeah. You want to take another run at positronium? Is it my turn? Yeah. No. Can I fold paper into a noose right now?

Hello, city. There's a megatonium leak in the apartment. Can I fold paper into a knife? Hackers took control of a Minnesota man's robotic vacuum and used it to chase his pets and yell racial slurs. I mean, geez, this vacuum really sucks. Get entirely fucked. Get entirely...

Eat shit. And blows. Don't let Keith Darkness dim your shine, Connor. A Schenectady man was eaten to death by nine dogs in his own backyard. Leading officials ask, who let the dogs out? Who?

Who? Who? Who? Did not have Tom saying Schenectady correctly right on my bingo card. Schenectady. Schenectady? What Pokemon does that evolve into? Tom, if comedy doesn't work out,

I need you to run for the mayor of Schenectady. And by if, I mean when. Schenectady. Yeah, there you go. Schenectady. Anyway. In Porterville, California, a trailer full of pigs collapsed

because it couldn't support their girth. I tell you, if I wanted to see a herd of sweaty animals in Central California, I'd join the audience of one of Conor McSpan's stand-up shows. Tour dates on his website today. Yeah. It wasn't about my terrible family. Wait, what are you talking about? I don't understand.

Whoa, wait a minute. I agree. Keith, do you mean to say you heard me make a joke about slovenly animals that devour everything without dignity, and you thought I was talking about you? Keith! Wow. Do the inner work, Keith. Oh, Keith.

Oh, fuck. A medical team in the UK performed brain surgery on a brown bear. The bear is recovering well while all seven of the doctors involved are dead. Because if you did surgery on a bear, it would wake up and kill you. Well, not if you give it anesthesia. Yeah, you got to fire the anesthesia. It's a fucking joke. I didn't really work. They're the highest paid doctors, Keith.

Okay. Sorry, I helped an animal in my joke. Where does this joke take place? The United Kingdom. Oh, okay. Well, never mind. I've never seen a joke about a bear turn into a bunch of crickets before. Yeah.

I feel like Russians would have a bear anesthesiologist, but British people, I don't know. Tell my mother no funeral. Russia's Commissioner for Children's Rights has classified the furry community as LGBT propaganda and says it should be banned on moral grounds. All right, Russia, broken clock is right twice a day.

Let me tell you something. I know some furries now. Okay. Of all the platforms. They'll say, yes, it is a sex thing for many, tell you something. I know some furries now. They'll say yes, it is a sex thing for many, but for many it's just not, which I actually find stranger. Yes. Yeah.

Like if you're coming, of course you do. You'll do anything if you come. No, I'm platonically a fox sometimes. I am just kidding. Like I'm happy you're having a good time if you're a furry. God bless you. In a way I'm jealous. I wish I could. I don't even furry. God bless you. In a way, I'm jealous. I don't even have a fucking hunk of felt to get out of bed for. Yeah.

I'm staunchly pro-furry. LGBTQ should be an F in there. That's all I'm going to say. I mean, there is, depending on who you're asking. God damn it. Oh, the slur word. I know that one. And it's...

Okay. It's my turn. Okay. Yeah, Cincinnati... Wait, did I do that one? Yeah, that's fine. Cincinnati police are looking for a man who threw a pit bull over a six-foot fence upon his arrest and went, Oh, fuck, it's when pigs fly.

Shut up. Tom, like, you didn't need four dog jokes. Did you think that's what the assignment was? And, like, you needed someone to complete the assignment? No, I should have done more dog jokes. Tom texted me. It's just a lot of stories about dogs. Nothing else happened. I'm like, you have It's just a lot of stories about dogs. Nothing else happened.

You have the internet. A lot of things happened. They've all been dog jokes, Tom. What are you going to have? Six out of five dog jokes? You're going to have an improper fraction of dog jokes. Why is your problem with dogs? Then why are you being mean to them? I don't know. This is unnecessarily

cruel, Phoebe. Because it's the conceit of the show. The conceit of the show is to love dogs love dogs you mean to boys it's not called support tom's bad decision making boys no i stand by my dog all right this whole dog argument's getting a little rough you guys are sheep for laughing at that and not the pigs flying is that joke right in the room? Because it fucking sucks. Woof. Despite earlier remarks, comedian Jerry Seinfeld no longer believes the extreme left is ruining comedy. The comedian

was seen leaving a Chinese re-education camp saying, what's the deal with the Uyghurs? Wait, what was that? What's the deal? Weegr is not... Oh, okay. Thank you. Hi, Fifi's Woke fans. I swear I'm nice now.

I almost want to skip the good one that I like because nothing I do is going to do well now. There's a zero percent chance this joke will play. I disagree. We're all ready to laugh. An Instagram influencer was arrested after AI surveillance caught her filming herself shoplifting. So we have cops, influencers, AI, and

Walmart. Finally, a story with zero good guys. The world's most hated sub-communities. Scientists have cooled a sample of positronium to record low temperatures. They believe they might even be able to reach absolute zero if they conduct the experiment in Fifi Dosh's heart. Your fucking positronium joke.

Are we doing six this week? No, I just wanted to. Bus went out. Alright, well that was a good old fashioned Mean Boys. We all feel a little worse than we did when I started.

Classic recipe Mean Boys, baby. Very authentic. I stand with the dogs. I stand by my work. I'm sorry you're all haters with no souls. And I'll see you guys in the next segment. Hello, I'm Edna Mortaro, owner of Edna Mortaro's Baby Coffins, America's first and only trans-owned

child mortality superstore. You may remember me as Edgar, but I've since transitioned, and that's now my dead name. Oh-ho-ho-ho! And speaking of things that are five years old and dead, I'm thrilled to announce our annual never-going-

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Well, fret not, irresponsible parents, because we now offer bodily reconstruction services. No matter what accident you're rightly blaming yourself for, we'll use our proprietary Mortoro brand flesh spackle and Edna's old-fashioned bone

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we have a game that has been played before many times on this podcast. We're playing Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Freeze. Tom Tom Tom Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom. Now, for those of you at home, this is how this works, okay? It's like Jeopardy, but it's me describing things. Tom is fat and dumb and also gay. He's Tom. Are we ready for our categories?

I'm still not over ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls and gentlemen. I am waiting for your back fat to wipe off half the board. Our categories today are Egypt, pirates, disasters, French stuff, and the bathroom. Okay. This looks like they let the sound guy be the weatherman because it was an emergency. As you can see, this county will be orange, but the other one will be blue. Yeah. We got a big front of blue blowing into the downtown area.

We got a bunch of big H's coming from the top, and that seems to be bad. There's squiggly lines. Now, if they're pointing up, it means hot, like bacon sizzle, but if it's going sideways, it's wind. Back to you. Get in the basement so you don't get crushed by the H. Now, just a reminder to buzz in, you have to say bear cum

if you have the answer. And most of the other rules are kind of going to come up as they come up. Are we minusing points for incorrect answers? Absolutely not. I want to encourage people to be funny. All right. That's good.

All right. Fifi, you're the guest. Do you want to make the first pick? Bear come, I'm going to say French stuff for 300. French stuff for 300? Real quick, how much do we want to side bet that at least one of these is not French? There is going to be one Italian answer for sure. 40% are French in a generous estimate.

Go, Tom. All right, and bear cum to take a guess. It is complaining man rodent food. Bear cum. Ratatouille? That is correct. 300 points to Keith. All right.

Keith controls the board. Let's go. I love that you pulled from the middle. You went like real fucking pro Jeopardy status. Let's go. I love that you pulled from the middle. You went like real fucking pro Jeopardy status. Let's go French stuff for four. French stuff for 400. It is. Oh, shit.

The light's dead. That's just what it is. Now I'm in shadow. Oh, whatever. I also kept looking directly into that light and then started blinking a lot because it's very bright. French stuffer 400. The big foreigner light lady.

Oh, I'm back up. I think Phoebe got that. It's Statue of Liberty. It is the Statue of Liberty. 400 points to Phoebe. Phoebe controls the board. That first question literally aged us five years. Fellas, I'm trans. I need good lighting.

I'm going to go with bathroom for 300. Bathroom for 300. Keith has a large assortment of head sacks you can wear. Oh, that's nice. Bathroom for 300 is... I've already forgotten. The ignorance hole. Bear cum?

The toilet? No. Any other guesses? What the fuck? Bear cum. The toilet? No. Any other guesses? What the fuck? Bear cum. Glory hole? That is correct. Why is it?

What? Because you don't know who's on the other side. Oh. Oh, okay. That's ignorant. I get it. Egypt for 500. Why do you look offended right now, Keith?

I just question your use of the word ignorance. What? You don't know. How do you know him by now? It's a mystery. That's not ignorant. You don't want to know. I'm too dumb to know who's sucking my dick. If you are, then it's really smart to stick your dick in a hole.

Hey, you know what, man? I've stuck my dick in a couple holes and it came out cummed. So I don't know what to say, bud. She's pretty fucking smart to me. But I don't know. Enjoy your dry dick and your knowledge of the world. Why are you arguing with Tom Logic after knowing him for a decade?

Because that's what the show is when you left. Minus 100 points to Keith. The funny one quit, so now we call Tom an idiot. Minus 100 points to Keith. I don't get minus points. What was the next guess? Oh, God. Egypt for five.

Egypt for 500. Egypt for 500. Going for big money, big money, big money. Ocean Man Shiny Hunter. Oh, is it fucking... Oh, Ocean Man. Bear Cum. Poseidon? That is incorrect.

It's a fair guess. I'm sure it's some Egyptian water god who seems like he would not be very busy in Egypt. Wait a minute. Bear come. Is it a hippo? It is not. I got nothing.

You got nothing? It was Brandon Fraser. Ocean Man. He was in The Mummy and the Whale. God. What? He was a wait but i want to see a movie where brendan frazier from the whale has to fight a mummy because that's an even fight they're both not moving very fast i want to see a cut of the whale

but he's actually turning into a whale like that movie tusk and he's just like, people are amazing. Work, work. Call my nurse. Yeah, I love that movie. I did not see it. Tusk? Oh no, I thought you meant the whale. Oh yeah, no, I don't. I see fat people every week. Connor, you get a mirror.

There's one right there. It's freaking me out. That's a TV. Yeah, it's a mirror to me right now. It's freaking me out. That's a TV. Yeah, it's a mirror to me right now. Oh, God. Minus 100 and other points to Keith. Connor, you still control the board. Bathroom for five. Bathroom for 500.

Um, oh, the cum pumper secret lifesaver sauce. I think that was Keith. What is lotion? No. What did lotion? No. What did you say? The cum pumper secret lifesaver sauce. That's not lotion? It is not lotion.

Okay. Bear cum. Is it lube? No. Bear cum, Narcan. I'm jerking off so hard I OD'd. I OD'd on ignorance. Bare cum poppers?

Keith, you were really close. It was hand soap, but that is different than lotion. That's fair. Yeah. Do you use that? I've never used, like, a product to jerk off. Oh, no, it just looks like cum. Oh, okay.

In public bathrooms, it looks like cum a lot. You know, your cum is pink. It's the white stuff. I know. Minus 100 points to Keith. I'm going to be minus 5 million by the end of this game. Tom comes that pink powdery soap. Borax. It's like when Batman throws out a smoke bomb so he can get away.

Die, Jizz, Ajax powder. My cum kills rats. It's tough on grease. Do you have a broom? Connor, you still control the board. Well, let's go with Pirates for 400. For 400. All right.

It is Japanese Headboat Guy. Bear Cum. One piece. I don't know what that is. Japanese Headboat guy. Bearcum. One Piece. I don't know what that is. Japanese headboat guy? Japanese headboat guy. It's like the leader of the Japanese Navy or something. Bearcum.

Is it that Chinese pirate from the third Pirates of the Caribbean movie and you think he's Japanese? No. Okay. It's a fair guess. Japanese? Partial credit. You said Japanese, didn't you. No. Okay. It's a fair guess. Japanese? Partial credit. You said Japanese, didn't you?

Yes. Okay. You wrote it. What is this checking? I don't know what guy you're talking about in the parts of the video. I know you don't know. I'm just saying that was a guess. I don't have the faintest clue.

This is a gnarly game. Well, you guys keep picking the hard ones. Yeah. Japan headboat guy. Any guesses, Fifi? No. Okay, it was Davy Jones. He's a squid head in that.

He's not Japanese. No, but they like octopus. Even for you, that's a fucking stretch. He has an octopus head. Okay, well, now I am enjoying Davy Jones being an octopus hentai. Nice and poised. You got me heart in a box. I got me heart in a box,

alleged 19-year-old. Professor, these problems aren't even solvable anymore. No. Alright, Cotter, you still control the board. Alright, how about bathroom for 100? Bathroom for 100. Maybe we'll get this one. Alright, penis sinks. Bear cum. Bidets. No. Maybe we'll get this one. All right. Penis sinks. Bear cum.

Bidets. No. Bear cum. Toilet. No. Bear cum? The regular sink? You know what?

It was specifically the urinal. Oh. But you did say toilet. I don't know. No, that doesn't count. All right. Bath. But you did say toilet. I don't know. No, that doesn't count. Okay. All right. Bathroom for two. Tough guy.

Bathroom for 200. Mr. Riddles. Oh, the blowjob handjob. Bearcum? The hand dryer. Correct! That is correct. Its job is to blow and dry your hands.

Just like a blowjob. Oh, fuck. I didn't get it until you explained it like that. Well, they looked confused. Tom should have been the Riddler and the Batman. That's all I'm going to say. Riddle me this. Who is Japanese but also a pirate?

But you'll never know how I got all these question marks on my clothes. Batman's just like, what the fuck is he talking about? The mayor's getting shot. Bathroom for four. Bathroom for four. Closing out the bathroom. The cocaine table. Here come the changing table. That is correct. Oh, man. Well done. Oh, who's nonsense now?

You said that very Bane-like. I was merely born without enough oxygen in my brain. I'll go Disasters for one. You adopted the ways of the bumpkin. Disasters for 100. The Remember the Numbers. Bear come. 9-11.

That is correct. Disasters for 200. Disasters for 200. Disasters for 200. The Black Rat Ravage. Bearcum. Bubonic Plague. That is correct. Disasters for 300.

Disasters for 300. Fires It on the Old Boot. Fires It. Bearcum. The fucking Pompeii Volcano. That is correct. Wait, what was it? Fires It on the Old Boot. Is it Vesuvius? Oh, okay. The fucking Pompeii volcano. That is correct. Wait, what was it? Fire's it on the old boot.

Is it Vesuvius? Oh, okay. Yeah, I get you. Yeah. All right. All right. Disasters, 400. All right.

The one the saints deserved. Bear cum. I think that was... I think it was me. Yeah, I think that was you. Hurricane Katrina? That is correct. I was going to guess the Crusades. I was going to say Spanish Inquis me. Yeah, I think that was you. Hurricane Katrina? That is correct. I was going to guess the Crusades.

I was going to say Spanish Inquisition. I know Tom knows way more about football than God. Yeah, that's true. And vice versa. I have seen him yell about both at parties. Disasters for five. Let's close it out. Disasters. The one where Earth. Let's close it out. Disaster.

The one where Earth go boom, boom, boom. Let me hear you say way up, way up. What? The one where Earth goes boom, boom, boom. Bearcom, is it the Yellowstone Super Volcano? No. Is that accent necessary to the clue? Yes.

Okay. Boom, boom, boom. Sort of. Bear cum. The Northridge earthquake. Where's Northridge? Okay. Are you...

You live in California. You were born here. What? Bear cum. You live here when it happens. I'm a fucking hayseed and I know where it is, Tom. Global warming? That is incorrect. It was the Haiti I know where it is, Tom. Global warming? That is incorrect.

It was the Haiti earthquake of 2010. Oh, okay. That does very minorly explain the boom, boom, boom. All right. I think it's me. It is you, Keith. Friendship for 100. Friendship.

Okay. I said it like that. The liar bitch dandruff bagel. A bear cum. Croissant. That is correct. That's the jokeandruff bagel. A bear cum. Croissant. That is correct. The joke that made me and Tom fall in love. French stuff for two.

The bread penis. Bear cum. Baguette. That is correct. Oh, shit. Keith still controls the board. I mean, the bread I mean the bread penis That's what my name translates to in Japanese

Anybody else not doing Atkins? Pirates for one Pirates for 100 Mr. Bedturd Bearcum Johnny Tapp Jack Sparrow Jack Sparrow is correct Fuck off Bedturd? Mr. Bed Turd. Bearcum. Johnny Depp. Jack Sparrow. Jack Sparrow is correct.

Fuck off. Bed turd? Never heard shit in his bed. Oh, I don't know. That's his most famous trait now. I didn't follow that one. Okay, good to know. Well, he's into bed turds.

That's fine. I read four words of the story and got tired. I don't know. It's a little bit better than the German shepherd fucking thing. We're cutting that, aren't we? I tried to engage with the current events, but I also drank a whole bottle of Robitussin, so it came out sloppy.

I'm going to say Pirates for two. Pirates for 200, Little People Hunter. Bear Cum. Uh-huh. More like Amber Turds. Bear cum? Is it Willy Wonka? No, he's not a pirate.

He press ganged the Opa Loopas. I mean, he's more of a slave trader, I suppose. I don't know what you guys are getting weird about. Little People Hunter is my favorite porn site. Oh, fuck. Little People Hunter. They fuck him in the back of a Volkswagen Golf. Plenty of room. You look like you play

Volkswagen Golf. Bear Cum. Cat and Hook. That is correct. Oh, yeah. How many points was that? That was correct. Oh, yeah. How many points was that? That was 200. Yep, I get you. What's up for pirates?

Pirates for three. Okay, African-American facial hair guy. Bear gum. Is it black beard, Tom? It is black beard. Fuck you, Tom. Where are we going, Fifi? Oh, God. To hell.

That's where. I think I'm going to go Egypt for 300. Egypt for 300. Toilet people. There come mummies. Correct. Correct. If anybody just heard out of concert, Egypt, toilet people.

That sounds very Republican. Let's go Pirates for five. Close it out. Pirates, the bad hole people. Bad hole? Mm-hmm. Bearcum. Courtney Love.

No. I know what it is because you asked. I'm going to let this happen and then I'm going to explain what happened. I don't know. Bearcum, butt pirate. That is correct. Tom texted me last night. Can I tell the story?

Yes. He goes, hey, man, I have a weird question. Do you think Fifi would be offended by the term butt pirate? Because I don't know how hurtful it is. And I was like, first of all, I doubt it because we're not nine years old. if he would be offended by the term butt pirate? Because I don't know how hurtful it is. And I was like, first of all, I doubt it because we're not nine years old. Second of all, I'm also queer.

Excuse me, faggot. Would he be offended by the word butt pirate? Third of all, you have my number, Tom. It would be nice to hear from you, even if it's the stupidest question in the world. Imagine if I just texted you that randomly. It was the most heterosexual thing I've ever heard. Hey, I don't want to be weird, but do we have a protocol in case Fifi gets

wet and multiplies? Nobody not once asked for my opinion on human kindness or sincerity. Yeah, but you're not a butt pirate. Yeah. Tom texts me his butt pirate offensive. I go, new number, who dis? Oh, fuck. Egypt for

what, one? Oh, yeah. Egypt for one is available. But toilet people is not. Thank God for that. Toilet people is also butt pirates. Don't they live on forever

in all our hearts and minds Egypt for 100 the mega triangles here come pyramids that is correct nailed it

oh boy I'm too tempted I'm gonna go French stuff for 500 French stuff for 500 oh free asshole. Bear cum. Julian Assange?

No. Is that the president of... Yes. Bear cum. The Marquis de Sade. I assume that's French, but no. Ah, poop. I googled it. It was a great Ah, poop. I googled it.

It was a great answer, everybody. I liked it. Bear cum. Marquis de Sodomy. Wait, what? Nothing. Nothing. It was just a riff on a thing that bombed.

Carry on. Free asshole? Fuck, I don't know. Oh, my God. You? Bear cum. The Arc de Triomphe. Bear cum. Is it The Beheading of Marie Antoinette? No. Fuck, I don't know. You? Bearcum. Bearcum. The Arc de Triomphe. Bearcum.

Is it The Beheading of Marie Antoinette? No. Bearcum. Napoleon. No. You guys are just listing French stuff. That's the game. Oh, yeah.

We sure are stupid, Tom. What is it? It was Surrender. What? What? That's some, like, ancient people would surrender by... That's terrible. No, they would not.

You're thinking of dogs. Oh, yes, that is what I'm thinking of. Can we give Tom minus 500 points? Keith still has negative 500, though. You can't... Negative 600. He's complaining still. Ancient people would surrender by giving up their assholes.

It was worth 500 points. What in the Jordan Peterson are you talking about? Shut the fuck up. What am I thinking of? Like an animal. Nothing! You're thinking of fanciful nonsense. You're thinking of that you didn't know very much about Frank. I don't want to

fight a guy in the past, so I go present my horny little butthole like a cartoon skunk for him. You're not thinking consciously. Subconsciously, you sure have a lot going on. It's been real anal and gay heavy this one. Has it?

Yeah, I met the toilet people with the ignorance. Committed an act of Somalian butt piracy. Toilet people. I'm running out of categories, guys. What's left? Egypt. The board's mine, right, guys. What's left? Egypt.

The board's mine, right? Yeah, it's still you. I'm going to say Egypt for 200. Okay, the sassy cat. So, the bergam. Sphinx. That is correct. How much was that, 200?

200. Go buy me. What's left? Yeah, I don't have a nose. Whatever. What's left is Egypt for 400, the long squiggle. Bearcum. Hieroglyphics.

No, but that's a good guess. Bearcum. Nile River. That is correct. Oh, okay. Wow, great job, everybody. Okay. Can I hear the current scores?

Oh, I see. So Connor's got 1,300. Keith has... Minus 12,000. 3,200. Minus 600. And Feef is bringing up the rear with 900. I'm not ashamed.

I don't know the answers to these. Yeah, you shouldn't be. I'm bothered that I'm getting good at this. No, you're so good, there's like no metagame for this anymore. It's just like, who's going to be second to Keith? Every time we do this game and I do this well, I'm like, okay, maybe Tom doesn't need to come over every week.

Tom could be a sometimes friend. I do this game and I'm like, I guess me and Tom aren't even friends anymore. Okay, every time I see you two play this, Keith and Tom, I just imagine how many times have they driven to Clovis and back together. Just making up riddles like two hobos riding the rails. Are you ready for your final solution?

Got about that. A few minutes away from the toilet people. Got about that. That's where I throw up the graphic that says, that's the name of the last round. Please don't write us any letters. I wish work would set me free. Go on.

Well, you know all those angry letters we get. We're always opening those letters that people send in, the letters they send. Yeah. We don't get any angry letters. We get happy letters coming on our friends. All right. So the category. The only letters I'm interested in are you,

S, and A. The category for the final solution is kitchen appliances. Go ahead and write down your wagers. I write down a billion dollars. Yep.

1,300. I guess I should do nothing because I automatically win. I'll go 3,200. You're going all in? All in? All in? Guys, we're all in.

It's a kitchen appliance? Yes. Okay. Kitchen appliance. It applies to the kitchen. Shut the fuck up. You shut your hole when you speak to me, sir. Shut up.

And when you're done doing that, shut up again. You shut up twice. Three times, actually. Kick rocks to both of you. Go back to Clovis! Clovis catches a lot of strays today. Yeah, and in real life, too. Go ahead. That's a good where I lived joke.

I mean people getting killed and stray animals. Go on. Alright, your hint is upside down lawnmower tube. No, no, no. You gotta write it down. Upside down lawnmower tube. No, no, no. You got to write it down. Okay, okay. Yeah, write it down.

Upside down lawnmower tube. Can you pass me a pen? Yeah. Upside down lawnmower tube. Don't even. Don't even. Go home, everybody. Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- Thank God we can edit this. I'm getting a call from the ghost of Alex Trebek,

and it says this was so bad, God made him go to hell. Good, good. I didn't like him. I'm almost done answering. LeVar Burton withdrew his nomination for to be host. Who's LeVar Burton? He was Geordie on Next Generation, and he was going to host the host of Reading Rainbow,

and he was going to maybe host Jeopardy. I know Reading Rainbow. That show rocks. Yeah, everyone have their answers? Alright. Connor, what do you have? Blender. I got Blender. I got Blender too. Guys, we're all winners.

It was Blender. Wow, you did it. You came up with a question someone could answer. See, we're all winners in this particular instance and very few others. And still, we lost to Keith. I know, the shame of it. Nobody feels good about it. Yeah, no.

Guys, I feel good about it. And you should feel good too. Because with teamwork, we beat me. You're like a coach in a kid's sports movie right before they lose the championship. You know how it is? They put the special needs kid in at the end of the game. This time they made him the coach for the last game of the season. All right, remember, there's no I in dog. I know that now.

But there is an I in dog abuse. Oh, wait. But there is a blend like our friendship in Blender. Ladies and gentlemen, we'll be right back after these message, gentlemen. You're listening to 94.7 FM, Tulsa's home of the rock and now it's dino and the spaz what up corn dogs coming to you live for your drive time pleasure it's dino and the spaz i'm your host dino still as handsome as ever and that lanky guy creeping around in the corner is my partner the spaz how's it going today spaz i'm freaking out dino yes he is still single ladies

and coming straight from his professorship at Harvard, it's the Fartmeister. What's up, Dino? We're gonna need some Febreze. Better get a Costco size. How's Monday morning treating you, Spaz? Bucky's discontinued those sticky buns I love! Sounds rough, buddy. Try not to fight a trucker this time. I've got some news myself. I've been diagnosed with t-t-t-terminal cancer. What? Yep, found it in my pancreas, caught it too late. Doc says it's time to get my affairs in order. Ah! Dino!

If you've got much left to live, what are you still doing radio for? Turns out I'm able to verbally admit my situation but not process the emotional reality of it. My oncologist says it's a diggity-diggity denial response. Looks like you'll need a new radio partner, buddy. Try to take a shower first.

Ah, Dino! Even though you're dying, it's like I resent you for leaving me. I don't think I'm good enough to love on my own, Dino! I've said it for you, enough to love on my own, Dino! I've said it for years, Spazzy old buddy. You've got an anxious attachment style. Deal with loss with the limited skills you have.

Let's go to the phones. Cliff and Lubbock, you're on with Dino and the Spaz. Dino, this ain't no way to deal with this, man. You gotta look this square in the eye and face it so you can go out with peace in your heart, man. Ooh, sorry, Cliff old buddy. I've spent a lifetime a stranger to my own soul. I'm not gonna find it now. We got a call from right here in Tulsa.

It's my wife. You're on with Dino and the Spaz. David, please stop doing radio. Why are you avoiding me right now? I just want to spend your final days with you. I haven't loved you in years. I never wanted the kids. Admitting that here at the end makes me finally feel free.

Time for a fart bomb. Wipe those tears, fartmeister. You're going to throw off your butt timing. Fartmeister, you listening, buddy? I'm sorry, Dino. I'm sorry. It's just, you know, human beings, they say they understand that our time on earth is limited, but I'm not sure they really do.

If there's one thing I've learned from you today, it's that one day it's just, it's going to be too late. I'm not going to wait. I'm going to ask Marie to marry me. I'm going to call my father. I'm going to plant chamomile flowers outside my window so I can brew my own tea. I think tonight I'm going to go home and I'm going to pet my cat until we fall asleep. And if God takes me home tonight while I'm

enjoying the simple pleasures of this world, maybe I can say that I found heaven before I even met him. There you go, Fartmeister, solving mankind's oldest riddle from your bunghole. We're out of time for 94.7 FM. This is Dino and the Spaz signing off

of this mortal coil. Woo! All of time's here. For years, Thomas Elizabeth Goss has been one of America's most profound and brilliant comedic minds. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh,

boom! My penis! But now, Tom has taken the world of Roast Battle by storm. Oh, um, uh, uh, uh, boom, my penis. But now, Tom has taken the world of roast battle by storm. Over the course of the 2024 roast battle season, Tom has stood up to society's greatest bullies. Women. Kelsey's face is a lot like texting something funny to a Mexican. Ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja, ja. Disabled veteran.

Logan has a kid and he teaches them their head, shoulders, never minds, never minds. Minorities. Julian's queer the same way I'm Armenian. I'm not,

but it's fun to tell people that sometimes. And larger women. Doesn't Paige look like she hocked Tua's corn dogs? He's a true American hero who has overcome the odds, thriving as an insult comedian despite being born fat, gay, and stupid. The Mean Boys Podcast is proud to endorse Tom Goss as this season's Roast Battle Los Angeles MVP.

Go to Roast Battle's Instagram and YouTube pages and make your voices heard. Show Commissioner Pat Barker and his only black friend, Brian Moses, that Tom is the People's Champion. And that is why. Ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen, we are

back. The Mean Boys Podcast and we're here for the Mean Boys mailbag. It's the Mean Boys mailbag. Fuck everything. God is dead. Send us an email or give us a call. Have you ever heard the one about Keith and the dog? It's the motherfucking mean motherfucker.

We've had off-air conversations about like, man, we should like take more turns driving the show because Connor usually defaults to driving and I'm like, oh yeah,

this is what happens when Tom drives. Yeah, magic. A chair disappears. It's great. He keeps precariously angling that coffee cup towards all the electronics in the world keys all of the uh listener feedback from the beginning has been unanimous less me okay more tom yes all right it's a email we got for fifi i figure why not let

fifi uh read it yourself if if you want oh you. This one says, if y'all could save this for Fifi episode, hope I'm not too late. That would be really cool. Awesome. Thank you so much for thinking of me. Hey, hey, mean boys and girl. It's Chaya. And not to jump on the bandwagon, but hoo boy has it been a weird couple years for me. In the process of growing out of being a neat,

I believe that's no education, employment training, is that correct? Correct, yes. I intentionally skipped over last year's reunion, run out of this silly but at the time believable idea that I had to cast off everything from the quote-unquote bad times. Oh, boy. You were like a fuck buddy you had when your life was falling apart. Save this one for Fifi, are you?

Okay, in order to become a person I am proud of. But seeing y'all come back this year prompted me for some reason to take the weekend to listen to all of last year's run. And no bullshit here, it's beautiful. Aw. It made me feel good. Really? It made me laugh. And it made me cry a lot. And not just because I had a fresh shot of estrogen

in me, it hammered home the idea that I don't have to get rid of everything I liked from the bad times. That y'all aren't just scummy entertainment for non-maliciously scummy people. More like a Trojan horse of scumminess that sneaks its way in and brings me back. And so many others genuine light and happiness into their lives. Heck, you're the one who cracked my egg, Fifi. You're a huge part of why I bothered trying to prove my life in the first place.

So to all of you thank you so much i wish you all the absolute best try uh oh i'm gonna cry now for real is cracked an egg an omelet i'm so fucking autistic i don't know why i was like let's open with this one yeah and uh an egg is a trans person who either doesn't realize they're trans or hasn't transitioned yet and cracked your egg means you started. Okay, that's very sweet. P.S. there's a cyber truck that often parks next to me at work with a wrap for an addiction

recovery center on it. With that in mind, what's the funniest thing you could do to a cyber truck aside from writing solid song parodies? Oh, boy. I think jeez louise. I have a guess. You know clown cars where you open the door and it's like, oh, there's 80 clowns. That, but trans ladies?

Yeah, yeah. I was going to go, I'm usually opposed to the new gay pride flag with the trans colors because it just aesthetically looks bad. But in this particular case, as an act of protest, I think it would look sick on the hood. I think you should cover it in drawn penises, but then put an asterisk, and the asterisk says they're girl penises, though.

You're thinking of the cyber tuck. That's a difference. Cyber tuck? Oh, the technology for that is 20 years away, at least. The woke mind virus killed my truck. Oh, in all seriousness, Chaya, thank you. That's wonderful to hear. I'm very happy for you.

It is funny that we sit around doing this and then people get that out of it. I was waiting for the Phoebe part of it because for a long time it was like, did you just make Phoebe read a whole thing about how great we are? Oh, that was really nice. That was one that seemed like especially...

Thank you for teaching me about eggs. This next one's from Dave. It says, you taught me that trans people are bad. Thank you, cautionary tale. All right, let's roll a couple voicemails here. Hey, guys. Glad you're back. Fuck everything.

God is dead. Love you. Nice quick one. Thank you for not bending our ears. Fly motherfuckers.ers hey it's will from nashville glad you're back um i'm actually sitting here outside my factory job uh waiting to be let in and i hear gunshots firing backgrounds because i'm not on these new streets but um just wondering uh since the presidential election coming up, what is the weirdest thing you've ever bet on hoping to win some money?

So I know there's a lot of over and unders on the election and the debate just happened. So just curious, as always, love you guys. Glad you're back and safe, safe out there. Thanks,

Will. The weirdest thing I've ever bet on. I bet that Keith couldn't get me in a cage. We didn't really bet, though. All the stakes were physical. Well, yeah, the stakes were if I tried and failed, you would murder me. I wouldn't murder you. I'd

severely damage you. I think you would let me live if I tried at this point. If I had done it in those days, that's part of why I didn't do it. I was like, Tom, we'll go Wolverine blackout mode. Yeah this point. If I had done it in those days, that's part of why I didn't do it. I was like, Tom will go Wolverine blackout mode. Yeah, and you couldn't have done it. Well, yeah, because you would have killed me. That's what I'm getting at. Yeah, yeah. I don't like Cajun

human beings. Call me crazy, okay? Well, I got one. Well, how Kamala of you? Okay, put the fucker in a cage. See if I care. Poke him with a stick while you're at it Oh, Jimmy Dore over here Have fun in there, Tom McCain

Fucking won't be able to lift your arms above your head You fat fuck I always do this I take your side and then you go Oh, that opinion, that point, I never thought that Gay shit, fuck that And I'm just sitting here with arrow after arrow of contempt just clouding my mind.

Ketchup, last week! That was when ketchup was gross. I got 20 minutes of shit for it and you stood there like a bump on a log. Yeah, it was in harbor. It was over a ketchup argument for a week and a half. It was really funny watching you squirm,

expecting me to jump in front of the bullets. I'm just saying I'm never supporting you again. I, I, alright, sincere point. Boys, boys, you're both awful. Sincere point, ketchup is terrible and you're a worse human being for eating it. Ketchup belongs in cages. Yeah, cage the ketchup.

Ketchup is good. Thanks. Hey, boys. Long time fan I just want to say You're doing great this year Been a big Thank you Darren

You fall asleep In the middle of that Is that somebody Falling off their forklift It sounded like He was starting to get sincere And he's like Oh fuck it I can't

You know that That did That felt like a nod off to me and it would not shock me to learn that our fans are victims of the opioid crisis. Is that fair to say? No. Yeah, our fans. Well, let me tell you, I've met them and the victims they are.

I was wondering why there were like 20% less listeners than last time. Now I know. Yeah, thanks, Sackler Brothers, for really fucking up our views. Shit, I guess brevity is not really my forte. Anyway, my question was, if you fucked over a ton of people, some of which might be dangerous, and you were on the run, where would you move and how would you restart your life? Okay.

Ooh! Thank you for the new episode run. Hopefully this becomes a yearly tradition. Also, I really do want to eat new episode, Ron. I hope this becomes a yearly tradition. Also, I really do want to eat Mudang, too. It's something that I've been low-key thinking about. Hope to see you all soon. I love you guys. I love all the Eat Mudang support.

By the way, just a quick PSA. You can all stop sending me the Instagram video of the cake shaped like Mudang. I have seen it. I get it five times a day. I appreciate it. I'm aware of the cake. I have an idea though. If you were on the run, you're going to need to move someplace that no one would ever see you, like Tom Goss' career.

Or personal life generally. Tom's career is just like the attic of the Haunted Mansion. This is true. I have nothing. Full of unsold Leaving the Tribe merchandise. You're the Indiana of achievements. Or if you could brave the... The original artwork from your album with the eyes following you. I would...

You know what? I would go to Alaska. Actually, you know what? I wouldn't go Alaska. Actually, you know what? I wouldn't go there. I'm not going to tell you because I might have to do it at some point. He's got a fake mustache and probably sort himself out.

I still want to see you try to grow facial hair. Dude, I've tried it so bad. I figured out what I'm going to do. I was like, where the fuck could I... Where am I going to go where there's going to be a bunch of fucking tall pasty faced motherfuckers And I was like I've been there before Fucking Ireland

If anyone says I'm that guy I'll just be like I'm a completely different guy You disappear You go full Waldo mode We've gone full Waldo Motherfucker To the earth I could so see you as a 55 yearyear-old Irish woman serving Guinnesses in a pub with four men in it,

ceaselessly throughout eternity. Another pint for you, lads? You know, I'd go to New Zealand, I'd find one of those holes people live in, and I'd spend my time finding befriending lizards. Realizing that's actually the Lord of the Rings. I would be a hobbit squatter.

Yes. And I would be asked to be leave by the Parks Department. To be leave? To be leaving, yes. Yes, yes. That's exactly. The dwarves come into his house, take one look, and leave. What are they going to do to me?

Let's get someone else to take the ring. New Zealanders can't create violence. All right. I got an email here. Greetings, mean boys and girls. Finance Mook from Chicago here. Are you already picturing my blend of gay and Italian accent in your head? all right i got an email here uh greetings mean boys and girls finance mook from chicago here are you already picturing my blend of gay and italian accent in your head i am because i think we might have just heard it uh also a question for fifi what do you think about chapel roan most

fags swear by her saying she's the new lady gaga however to me she just seems an afab queen doing a vaudevillian bar act i'm sure tom understood what all of those words meant. AFAB is all firefighters are bad? AFAB, motherfucker! Burn that shit down! I like firefighters. I don't know why people keep saying it. Not me, AFAB! Oh, goodness gracious.

I'm not a fucking man! I'm not a horny old housewife. Firemen have no purchase with me. By the way, Oh, goodness gracious. I'm not a fucking... I'm not a horny old housewife. I don't have any... Firemen have no purchase with me. Yeah. By the way, people... What am I, Pete Davidson? Fuck you.

AFAB. They always hang out with the cops in LA. I don't know what this whole, like, saving kittens out of trees shit happens. You can't get a kitten up a palm tree. It's too high. Yes, you can. You gotta believe it to achieve...

You know where there's a shot? You know where there's a lot of palm trees in LA? Englewood. You know where the cops aren't coming to a call about a cat stuck in a tree? Englewood. Stay woke, Connor. They're useless in the first place. You see, it's a system of corruption.

Yeah. By the way, Fifi, I'm so excited to listen to your new podcast with Robin Tran. You gals are two of the few LGBT people who make me laugh. Weirdly homophobic thing for our gayest listeners. Keith is reading this.

I guess also 50% of Keith, which you evaluated by mass, that actually counts for quite a lot. Love you boys and girls. Eat shit, mook. Yeah, you're like a gay black hole surrounded by anti-matter. That's your straight part. I don't care about your chapel roan, but hot to go fuck yourself.

How about that? There's nothing I like more than a pivot to but if you evaluate by mass. I non-ironically think it's really, really wonderful. I love chapel roan. I think it's great that the biggest hit song in years, the refrain of it basically means,

oh my God, you actually think you are straight and married an actual dude, LOL. Like, that's great. I love that for America and the world. Chapel Roan, I don't know who they are. I'm guessing it's like a wedding thing? It's a singer. Surely you could have picked that up from context clues.

Speaking of wedding things, I guarantee there are straight couples out there playing Good Luck Babe as their wedding song. Because they're too stupid to listen to words. I guarantee it. Oh, yeah. Yeah. What, is it like a fuck you breeder kind of thing?

Yeah, kind of. Yeah, if we're in 1994. Yeah, yeah. How about that for context clues, huh? Steamboat willing it Up A Star. These are funky albums. It's a song about two lesbians. One goes off and marries a guy

because she's in denial that she's a lesbian, and that's what good luck means. Sounds fascinating. Yeah. Enjoy that cock, stupid. That wasn't... Nice hollock, Tard. What is that?

All I heard was, woman makes life harder for herself. I've seen that movie before. Sorry. Is that it for that email? Yeah. I guess brevity is not really my forte. Yeah, we're not playing that shit. Hey, guys.

Actual Irish-Mexican here just finished the latest episode. And I am happy to say that I do not have... Oh, that was bad. Sorry. Let me tell you something, sir. You get the show. The most self-aware voicemail.

What am I doing? I thought I was some totally different guy for a second long time listener first time speaker in general ever oh fuck well if he hasn't met a lot of the characters that have come onto the show over the years like this one what's up short bus Murphy. Glad to hear y'all are back again. Every 9-11, I'm like Linus in the pumpkin patch out there cleaning up bugs for the 9-11 ceremony. And you guys show up and it's fucking great. Ceremony. I had real big ambitions of calling you

when I was in New Orleans last week from Princeton Street, jazz bands playing in the background, leaving one of my typical stupid short bus messages. And I got real drunk and forgot, and I super regret that, because how perfect would that have been for a big Larry riff? Anyway,

shit's going good. I've been writing lots of poetry. Not going to read it like that one dumbass last year. Other than that, man, good to see you guys back. I hope you keep doing it. I'm getting so old that a year doesn't feel like any time's passed at all. So I'll see you in like 10 minutes later.

I felt like I was stuck talking to one of my dad's friends. I don't know. Sure, Buzz Murphy's a good guy. In all seriousness, sir, if you had high aims to call into Mean Boys, stop your car if you're driving right now. Aim higher in your life. I had this crazy ambition. You wouldn't have lost custody

if you were shooting higher in your world. I'm higher than a publicly available phone number. I had this crazy ambition to make this phone call days earlier. Yeah. But I couldn't even to make this phone call days earlier. Yeah. But I couldn't even do that right. Do it predictably. Me and Tom are in a fantasy hockey league with Short Bus Murphy. And Tom was taking a long time getting it set up.

And it's very funny watching Tom get chastised for irresponsibility by a man named Short Bus. I'm sorry. I was in a fantasy hockey league with Short Bus Murphy. That's a new sentence. All right. This is an email that was written to us. Hey, Mean Boys. It's Max from Maine.

Don't know if I'm too late for Fifi, but we'll just go for it. Lots of exclamation points. This is truly the best week ever. Friday, the 13th chat pile dropped. Cool world. Monday, Ethel Kane announced pervert is dropping in January. And Thursday, Phoebe announced she was going to be on Mean Boys. Imagine my shock having not heard that name since 2019.

Wow. Better late than never. So much has changed since I was last listening. I'm a boy now. Congratulations. Found out I was autistic. Sorry. Got?

Got? You're apologizing for her being autistic. I better spit out my comic to get real. This one's autistic. Might be some long words coming up. I couldn't tell if you were reading or not. Better get this gum out of here.

The gum kept sliding to the front of my mouth, so I decided to be a professional. I can do it for like two sentences, which is longer than I usually talk on this show. Tom, you cannot decide to be a professional just as there cannot be a square circle. Go on. Oh, I

see what you're saying there. I thought you meant like a... Oh, God. You could put a square inside a circle, though. Or you could put a circle inside a square. Yes, you could. I think you're underthinking it. You sure could. You see what I'm stuck with

since you left, Phoebe? Yeah, Phoebe, you really... Just me and these two dense dolts. I know. You really gotta think outside the box more. You really are like a boomer husband. Like, don't look at me. I'm married to him. These two round rubes. What did I do? Yeah, I found out I was autistic.

Got sober, mostly. I'm not chronically suicidal anymore. I just have normal depression. Got rid of my shitty boyfriend because he got accused of raping two women. Wow, that's almost three women. And he definitely did that shit. Got into vulture culture.

Got a full muskrat skeleton. Full ring-billed gull skeleton. That's a rare gull. This is such a trans boy situation. Go on. Is this what they do? I like that you stopped the email, not for the rape or the

that's a rare goal. Actually, no, I'm thinking of a different goal. I'm thinking of a fucking Western goal. I got yelled at on my bird app for putting the wrong goal into the app and then got a lot of angry emails from people filing this fine database

sir we are men of bird science you don't know about this Tom is a bird watcher now I mean I knew this but I'll show you the apps after this email I don't want to see it after this email two mummified bats he didn't say after the show

he's like immediately following me. Now we're going to do it on air. Sorry. A mummified frog and a dried red-backed salamander. That's a lot of dead animals. Anyway, my question is, what's y'all's album of the year? Mine is obviously Chatpile's Cool World. Love you, Mean Boys.

Thank you, Ming Boys. Love you, Fifi. Thank you, Ming Boys. Love you, Fifi. Thank you, Fifi. So excited to hear y'all together and so excited to hear y'all be mean to me. And then there's a lot of emojis. One's like all watery-eyed. Another one's smiling with like the rosacea cheek thing.

And then like sparkles. You're describing these emojis like they're fucking hieroglyphics. It has never before been seen by man. It is the ancient god, eggplant, squirty water, peach. Yeah, the head Egyptologist at Chico State. Go on. If I sent this email on time, pound blessed. Fuck off.

This is a fella, correct? I believe it is a... I'm a boy now. Fuck off. This is a fella, correct? I believe it is a... I'm a boy now. It's been a lot of people being, I used to be one now and the other one, so I'm making sure I know who's coming and who's going. Yeah, so it's always an issue on this show. I just love that it started with him being like,

everything's going great, here's all the animal carcasses in my home. Is that a thing with trans men? I don't know a ton of trans guys, I'll be totally honest. I would describe them as enigmatic. You know? Okay. I don't know. My boyfriend's a trans guy. He dresses

nearly exclusively in checkered patterns. He's always bothering me to play chess. We'll be fucking, and then afterwards he'll be like, we need to make an earthquake preparedness kit. I'm like, alright. I mean, it sounds like, yeah, that sounds like men period. Because he made the bed shake, you know what I'm saying?

Oh! I do like chess. I was dying to see where that was going. It was nowhere. You made so many sound effects the mic went limp. Kind of amazing. They're into animals and chess.

I've never seen a podcast lose an erection before. Maybe I'm a trans man. It's not broken. It's unhooked. I can see where it's unhooked. Tom, you for real have trans fan fives. I would believe that. I would believe that 100%. 100%.

You're not the tallest guy in the world. You know, I mean... I'm lady hided? I mean, maybe. I don't know. You have a bird app. I mean, makes sense. I thought that just made me an old soul. Yeah. An old lady soul. You look like you annoy unhappy lesbians. I mean, yeah. I mean, makes sense. I thought that just made me an old soul. Yeah. An old lady soul. You look like you annoy unhappy lesbians. I mean, yeah.

I mean, not just unhappy lesbians. I bother a lot of women. Yeah. Any album of the year, Fifi? I mean, I hate to be, you know, rote, but I got to say Chapelle Rhone. You know, whatever. Well, I don't know what wrote means.

It means boring and dull and predictable. I suppose I should know. I have no more commentary while talking to you. Is Chapelle Rhone like a wedding thing? The snake eats its own tail. It will be after November. The trans mic just goes fascinate through a magnifying

glass. The Chapelle Rhone album would probably be mine. I forget the name of it, but this band called The Chisel put out a really good album, too. Is that one of your stepdads? You're fucking with The Chisel now. It is all the fun of UK oi-punk with none of the weird

Nazi shit, so it's a good time. Really, the only album I listened to front to back that came out this year is Cursive's new album So by default I have to say that And he is talking about the font Dude H-Squad wild

This D is crazy Have you seen the new R? They're doing great things with R This D is crazy The Russians are doing them backwards Yeah I like Z But I prefer his earlier work Well everybody knows

The album of the year The album all the kids Are talking about Are the 20th anniversary Steve Albini remix Of the Erg's first album Dork Rock Corkrod That was obviously huge for

I have to look at the end Of this right So you can reference Steve Albini on every Single episode of the show Oh and To All Trains Steve Albini's Pantrolac The last album Cause he and To All Trains, Steve Albini's Pantolack, the last album, because he's dead.

So that came out this year. That's a pretty good album. I don't know what that is, but it sounds fun. Loud Trains? There's a lot of fun sounds in all that. I'm going to Google it. Saying it's fun is the most insulting thing you could have said to Connor.

Very abrasive and unpleasant. Wait, the album's called Loud Trains? To All Trains. To what trains? To All called Loud Trains? To All Trains. To what trains? To All A-L-L Trains. It's To Wong Trains and Thanks for Everything Julie Newmar. Actually, your boyfriend might like it. I mean, I did get an autism diagnosis recently,

so hit me with them trains, baby. Oh, hell yeah. Thomas the fucking tank engine's over here. I love trains, baby. Okay. We're treating the word trains like the Reese's Pieces leading What's His Fucking Dick. E.T.? Yes.

What other? What's His Dick? E.T.? Yeah, I got this wrinkly fuck living in the garage. What's His Dick? He's got the stretchy nankies from like fucking, I don't know, like Mars or Chino or something. The Reese's Pieces Drew Barrymore impersonator. He doesn't like M&M's. I don't know, like Mars or Chino or something. He's far away. The Reese's Pieces Drew Barrymore impersonator. No, he doesn't like M&M's. I don't know.

He's all fucking gay about it. Give him the Reese's Pieces. What's his shit? Won't eat a Snickers. But he's got a flashlight right in his freaking can finger, kid. Don't fuck with him. Dude, he fucking touches you and you're like not sad or dead anymore. It's fucking bonkers. I'm playing. He showed me the meaning of friendship, man. It was one. Dude, what's his shit? Fucking sat on my

bike. Swear to fucking God it flew. Swear to fucking God, dude. I felt like my mother was still alive. Dude, I was flying over fucking Sherman Oaks and shit. Once his dick was like, I got you.

I wept for the first time in years. And then all those astronauts came and turned my house into the moon landing. I play it up sometimes. I genuinely forgot the name for E.T. I know. Well, Phoebe doesn't even probably know that there's been people who like this stupid show so much they've gotten tattoos of it.

Have they now? That's great. It's Josh from Ohio, I guess. I'm the first tattoo guy. I just figured I'd call you guys and give you an update. I don't really ever call, but, yeah, I had a lot of life events. As always, as everyone else here has, I got divorced. I have had two kids.

I don't know if I had them before. They're five years old. I lost track of my kids but yeah it's been a fun time divorce, running around with a new girlfriend psychotic ex-wife knee restraining orders

cops involved several times I won't get too much into it but I'm really happy to hear from you guys again, you make my life so much more bearable. And I'll listen to this in the factory and cringe at my own voice.

So thanks for that too. Have a good one boys. Fuck everything. God is dead. I have two observations about that voicemail. Number one, I love that with any voicemail we get, I can't always tell is the voicemail over or is there a pregnant pause where they're thinking about everything that we're talking about? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And number two, after hearing from everybody in our fan base who didn't become trans, I'm like, one option clearly seems superior. Yeah, everyone else got divorced. Everyone else has got a bunch of new clothes and fun ideas. Yeah, the straights are like, the wife left. She took all my shit. And all the other ones are like, I have many lizards. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Lady or dead inside seems to be. You don't even know how many skeletons I have. I thought that this guy was sick, no? The guy with the cap tat was sick. I don't know if this is who that's about. I think that was the first tattoo guy. And it was in Ohio that we met him. Yeah, I'm glad you're alive and shit.

Or that you just didn't bring it up. He really didn't want to think about it. And I just reminded him. Yeah, I'm glad you're alive and shit. Or that you just didn't bring it up. He really didn't want to think about it, and I just reminded him. I know that we're kind of speculating on people's medical records. Or maybe someone else was. Either way, I'm glad that... I just want to wish him the best. Yeah. That was nice, man. If you're very ill, call us, and probably

soon. You, I will listen to you complain, because you have cancer and you got a tattoo of us. Like, if you have, like, a make-a-wish to, like, never meet us, we'd be happy to do this. My make-a-wish is the Mean Boys

stay far away from me. My make-a-regret. Well, the fans, I think, have gotten more unhinged with the absence, without the outlet of the Mean Boys voicemail line. So when we do get a

batch of emails and voicemails doing the show, I think we might have had someone who wrote us a poem. I didn't listen to the whole thing. It's me again. Just calling because I have some more poetry for you. Oh no. This one is called Today, a Sonnet.

Today is a great day for loving you. The sun is shining and your smile is so bright. I can feel my heart beating through and through because seeing you is my favorite sight. Stop and say hello to the pretty birds singing. The wind is blowing with delight. How nice.

I can hear children laughing and playing. I kiss you on the cheek once, twice and thrice. Flowers in the yard blooming just for us. A puppy dog with a bee on his nose. We're careful to be carefree, not careless and stand side by side through highs and through lows. As the sun sets,

we lose the evening night. What a great day. I can't wait for tonight. Fuck everything. God is good. That was really beautiful, honey. I mean,

what do you want me to do here poetry like so okay last time he called it I was really

it's kind of like going to book club and showing them your giant cock it's like well we're impressed yeah that was great honey

you're real Emily Dickens stepson yeah last time I fucking I don't know if you guys remember I fucking thrashed

this guy you what this guy I fucking thrashed this guy. You what this guy? Oh, I thrashed him on the last... I don't know if you guys remember that. I do. Like, you shook him in 1922? No, like, I just started roasting the shit out of him. Oh, okay.

I fucking roasted him right in front of what's-his-shit, dude. I fucking owned your words, bitch. This fucking moog came in with a genuine expression of joy and light. I lit him up. I was like, hey, what's this shit? Phone a homo. That'll teach you to appreciate a meadow. Yeah, your vision of an idyllic day is bad and you should

feel bad. I don't know. I don't know how to be mean to it, but I also, I'm not going to engage with it positively. You know what? I have questions. As a writer, but as somebody who wants you to live. I'm saying write us a poem about some mean boys stuff. The bee sting the dog.

You waited for it. I challenge this guy to write us the same poem but about a 7-Eleven parking lot. Yeah. Maybe that was a poem about how the mean boys

makes him feel. Then I quit. Happy and sad. I don't want to inspire that in people. Is this how people felt like comedians who were named in Christopher Dorner's manifesto? This is what I've wrought? Also, who are you

singing to? Because I don't know who that was addressed to. Well, it's like, I'm glad that I've given him some kind of comfort and joy, but I just wish I'd also imparted on him the social skills to express it somewhere else. If you want to write poetry that this podcast is going to appreciate, let me give you a quick lesson. They should all start with hickory dickory dock, and you know

where to go from there. Mean Boys Poetry Challenge. Get the mean boys to like your poem. Win one approval. Thank you for your art. Let's not encourage this, guys. Mean Boys Poetry poetry challenge if I wanted poetry I could go back to

community college which I almost did and then did not because of the poetry I mean I would like you all to keep writing poetry but I would like you to be ashamed of it as well you know you're a real poet well we have a real intellectual on the line here glad to have you back this is Captain Fat Strong.

I actually don't remember him or her. We met in Auburn. Is Tom Goss like the Clark Kent to Captain Fat Strong? This is the new Ron Winkler. I am the non-binary lieutenant of the thick Navy. We met in Auburn and I told you how the El Nino episode, that was back in Fifi's day, made me laugh so hard I threw up in my mouth while changing my newborn's diaper.

You should have puked on the baby. You'd be a legend. And no, Tom, couldn't just heave it in the diaper. That thing was very full. To answer Connor, the missus actually did listen to a couple episodes while she was pregnant, which were the aforementioned and the Jessa Reed episode. I listened to it twice in a row.

That was gold. However, she's five now, and I've had to implement secret cuss time, which works great. Thank you, Keith. Yeah, secret cuss time. Have you heard about this, Fifi? No. My stepdad, when I was a kid, like I was five or six, I would not stop swearing at school and in public and stuff to where it was a problem. So my stepdad, this is one of the good ones, he took me aside.

He goes like... Relatively, but go on. He was just addicted to meth, but he was like a skateboarder and not a Nazi, so he was cool. Oh, yeah. And he was like, we're going to have secret cuss time

where when we hang out and nobody else is around, you can cuss as much as you want, but only if you don't cuss anywhere else. So we'd just go hang out in his truck and just say, fuck, shit, fuck, fuck, pussy, fuck, shit, fuck, and then I'd go to school and not cuss anymore. And that was the closest to good parenting I ever received.

That's nice. Escape valve. Oh, I don't think that email was over, but... That one? The one I read 10 minutes ago? Oh, no, wait, am I reading this? No, I'm sorry, dude, I'm out of it, my bad. I thought that would have been so funny if you just...

Fuck your wife. I was like, wow, dude. I'm out of it. My bad. I thought that would have been so funny. If you just fuck your wife. I was like, wow, Tom. Tom thought it was your resume. Because you ask, didn't get to ask you this on the show, but how skinny did you feel while in Alabama? Love the show. Glad you're back. Fuck everything.

God is dead. So did you guys feel skinny in Alabama? It's his question. Not especially. you guys feel skinny in Alabama? Is this a question? Not especially. I felt incredibly fat in Alabama. Yeah. I was at, like, my fattest in a while when we were out there. We went to Philly before Alabama.

Yeah. So we ate. Remember that night? We had two different cheese sticks. We went. Yeah, we went and got cheese sticks. We got back to the place we were staying, which had a dead body in the alley. It definitely smelled like that. Like, not saying it smelled no it was a dead body it was

coursey yeah and then then at one point i was like so what you thinking about and he was like nothing and i was like you thinking about another cheesesteak because i am we ordered another philly there's like pat and gino's, the two that are next to each other. And it's like, oh, which one do you like? So we got from one and we're like, that's pretty good. Then we did that and then we're like, tastes a lot like the first one. Turns out a cheesesteak is just a fucking cheesesteak and you all need to calm down or get another point of pride.

Yeah. Hear me out. Tom and Keith, you two need to get married and have like the dudes from Modern Family style romance. Like, this is just too precious like cut the tension boys i actually i think i think if either one of you were gay me and connor would be like a horrible sid and nancy we kill each other everybody in here is gay kind of yeah me and tom would be an excellent married couple like even if we just

never had sex but just got married for like insurance purposes oh if you get insurance i'm on that all right sorry, sorry, Jordan. Tom's getting the insurance out of this dick. I actually think with my secret blend of mentally ill herbs and spices, I might be able to get Tom to fall in love with me. I might get Tom wrapped around my finger. Everyone picks me for marriage.

Mentally ill. I want to see some results. Everyone wants to marry the Tom. I could be one of his broken birds. He wants to nurse back to health. You do have a hatchling kind of appearance. I do look like I just emerged from an egg covered in slime.

How many of your meals were barfed into by your mom? Hello, I'm wet and innocent. You know that's the only way I would eat them. Okay. We're running a little late here. I have one voicem. You know that's the only way I would eat them. Okay. We're running a little late here. I have one voicemail I flagged before the show. I didn't want to listen to all of it because the beginning of it was so good. I just had to see where it goes together.

Let's hear from... What up, mean boys? Okay, you said I could rant a little bit about my pathetic life, so here it goes. I'm in a progressive psychedelic noise rock jam band in the middle of nowhere iowa called mad delirious i'm not saying that to be self-promotion it's just you know uh so recently we kicked a dude out uh who played a bunch of circuit bent speaking spells and samples and bullshit uh which you know yeah the point of this band was to do some weird shit and all, but

literally, I think some of the samples this guy had were, like, toilet noise. So we ended up kicking him out because, A, it sucked, and B, he just kept having these meltdowns every time he'd get the slightest little bit

of pushback or anything would go wrong at a show or whatever. Not to mention he was using, like, AI artwork on merch and shit. When I told him that shit sucks, he said, Oh, you don't understand, man. I went to school for art, so I know how to actually do the prompts. He got real self-righteous and real in his feelings about it. It was

very funny. So anyway, so we kick him out and that's been almost a year ago and then he sends us an email here just last week saying that we owe him $14,000

for his quote unquote hourly rate for all the time he spent at band practice. So I'm just wondering if you three chuckleheads have any legal advice for me, a humble man in a progressive psychedelic noise rock jam band in the middle of nowhere, Iowa. Thanks. Fuck everything. God is dead. This the middle of nowhere, Iowa. Thanks. Fuck everything. God is dead. This reminds me of when I left this show. Very similar energy.

My advice for you is don't pay him because you definitely don't have $14,000. You're in a psychedelic noise rock band in Iowa. Yeah, nobody's going to take this seriously. This is a delusional person whose talents aren't worth anything an hour, most likely. The semi-pro speak and spell player does not have an attorney on retainer. I'm not sure that would hold up in court. I say sleep soundly, sir. I disagree.

I thought the guy brought up some great points and that you should pay him all that money. And I want to be all-sided with Toilet Guy. Yeah, I'm on Toilet Guy's side. I don't even know what that instrument looks like. It sounds fancy. It sounds like you should pay him. I mean, going to a breakdown in a song and ripping the speaking spell is kind of cool. The cow says, blah, blah, blah, blah.

This is like when the Smashing Pumpkins broke up, but they're literally Smashing Pumpkins because they're 30-year-olds in Iowa. Pay him his money, sir. Well, Fifi's been here the whole show, Smashing Pumpkins because they're 30-year-olds in Iowa. Pay him his money, sir. Well, Fifi's been here the whole show. Smashing Pumpkins, thank you for joining us on the program. You were great. This was long overdue. Oh, thanks, honey. Yeah, it's always good to make people laugh.

And it really means a lot that a lot of this apparently this stupid show really reached a lot of people. I'm very happy it makes some of you happy. I'm very happy we cracked some eggs. Watching Mean Boys become successful, it's like watching your child start doing drugs. It's...

But like the cool ones, you know? This is going to be work for them for a while. Anything you want to plug? Where can they find you? Yes, I'd like to... Wait, meet her again first. I'd like to plug Robin Tran and my podcast, The Skinsuit Podcast, launching on November 11th.

Get it at all the getting places at what you find podcasts at. We're really proud of it. It's going to be awesome. And I got Robin Tran to do something. So that's going to be something. Little miss fucking aloof. It's going to be dope. I'm really proud of it.

Give it a listen. Thanks, everybody. Two of the funniest people I ever met. Aw, thank you, sweetie. Back at you. Back at you, everybody in this room. You're all very inspiring. Speaking of Robin Tran-related events... Yes, hang on. I was pulling up

the exact date so I don't fuck it up. Where are my shows? There are my shows. Oh, actually, I wrote it down wrong. What date? Hang day hey my segue just drove off a cliff okay uh october 28th it's a monday not a tuesday monday at the comedy store me and robin tran will be roast battling so i recommend that uh all the ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen, go ahead and show up for that show. It'll be a fucking banger.

Hello there, ladies and gentlemen and gentlemen. Are you ready to rock? Did the humans voice box just skip? What happened? Yeah, show up for that and also harass Pat Barker and Brian Moses. In general. In general, but yeah about me representing LA in the world

championships I don't care if I go as long as we harass them to the point that they go crazy yeah continue bothering them it is working if they bleed from the eyes and I don't go that is a tie I will live with that but we have to we have to bug them and ask a nine amount I mean in all candor

Brian Moses lives in hell of his own making. He won't even feel it, so go ahead. But Pat has hope in his eyes. Let's knock that out of those baby blues right now. Yeah. Let's turn him into a bad father. Ruin a child's life by making Tom the MVP of this made-up sport. Other than that fucking

at Keith Tells Jokes follow the mean boys link tree for all your mean boysery anything you got no no no let's get the fuck out of here fuck everything

guys dead later bye everybody crazy shit man crazy shit crazy shit man crazy shit crazy shit Time for a fart bomb.