Mission To Zyxx - D01: The Derfect Crime

Episode Date: December 3, 2025

Okay let’s see here. Episode descripsh. Something like, Oh hey it’s me, Old Derf! Sure, you know me as an elderly space wizard with the mysterious power of resurrection, a resume stacked with entry level jobs, and a talent for juckin’ around. But would you believe there was once a time when I was slightly LESS old, when my powers were just coming into focus, when I got pulled into adventure after adventure? It’s true! So buckle your space belts and settle in for the first installment of my MEMOIR, The Young Old Derf Chronicles. Here we go! Created by:Jeremy BentAlden FordAllie KokeshSeth LindWinston NoelShane O’ConnellJustin TylerMoujan Zolfaghari Edited by Seth Lind and Alden Ford Sound design and mix by Shane O’ConnellTheme song composed by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O’Connell, Adam Minkoff and Jay Faires.The Young Old Derf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network, and made possible by support from the members of Maximum Fun and a season long sponsorship by Rocket Money.  Lovingly researched and sound-described transcripts are embedded in every episode page on missiontozyxx.space!

Okay, I see, there's a little red light on here. Does that mean it's recording? Yes, not. Yes, now you just talk into it. Oh, that's nice. Red light's very nice. Red light means stop, but in this case it means talk. Uh, sure. Okay, uh, let me just talk. I'll just talk it out. That's what they say. DERF is my name, and DERF is actually my game. But who is DERF? I'm, um, adventurer, uh, Zima Warrior, commander and conduit of the space. But most of all, I'm a sweetie pie. Excuse me, I'm sorry.

You are recording... Sorry, you're interrupting a very important memoir. You are recording memoir in my shop? Well, I'm going to wander around, do it, juck around while I do it. I want to take people there. That's why I'm doing an audio memoir. Anybody can write stuff down.

I'm not a game man. That paper recorder costs a 30 for crew. I don't have that. How about this? I'll pay you in a tank. I'll pay you in a tale, a tale of dirt. Not remotely worth it for me, I don't think. This is a memory.

You can't, money can't buy a memory. No, money cannot buy a memory, and memories cannot buy a 34-crued paper coaster. You know what? Fine. You know what sucks here? Your ambient music, it's bad. So I'll see you later, and I'm not paying for... Okay, yes.

Where were we? The Young Old Durf Chronicles. I was conceived in, uh, oh, I don't want to get into that, I guess, maybe I'll jump ahead a little bit. Let's do the, uh, chapter seven. After I had gone through a long, and I mean long puberty, like, wow. What there? I'm not getting a cop. Here's a good, here's a pro tip. Mute before you go to Memoir. Put your phone in Memoir mode. And then you can get to talking about. your life. Hello. Ah, I missed him. All right. Where was I? Chapter 7. This is where the memoir gets sexy. People, this is a book's going to be everywhere. It's going to be in space sports.

People don't buy this and then forget it at the terminal. It's fun. That's crude. That's crude right in the bank. So, chapter 7, I decided on crime. Like all great sentience, I decided on crime. And I'd find my way back to freshness much later And fall in with the band of sneak thieves We were about to commit the robbery of a lifetime But I'll tell you what When you're out there Fighting the good fight running from the law

Your best friends, compadres We would die for each other That was us, the good old gang What a crew We were led by this really interesting guy And Ron, well I could almost hear his voice right now Alright, all right, all right, everyone present and accounted for...

Then it's time to go over the plan. Let me run you through it. First up, little Barbie boy, who's going to do the same thing that made him famous all those years ago. Sure will, that's me! No doubt you'll win them over instantly, allowing us to sneak in undetected. Then, once we're inside, clacker... No, it's me! You'll render us invisible to security cameras, you know?

I'm in. But now it's too early. Oh, I'm out. Oh, for now. All right. Wonderful. So, we'll make our way up to the money floor. And Clark, that's where you come in.

You're going to plant explosive charges all over the floor. It'll be a blast. Right, outstanding. Then, we've got Lucky Stucky, don't we? Oh, yeah, baby. We'll need you to take some security items of the guards there to make our way. our way through the money from. I do have sticky fingers.

Hey, my keyboard. Literally, literally. Lucky, don't just wave those about because you've collected quite a few objects. Snaps. Yeah, yeah, that's me, see? Safe Cracker extraordinaire. You are not needed on this job.

Doji, our driver. Toot choose. Exactly right, Dogey, it will be a high-powered rail scrambler, very smart, very intelligent boy. And then this young chap to my left here is DIRF. Yeah. Now he will be replacing Marky Mike, which is a shame, but he did get a bit too old to be the acrobat, didn't he?

I am young, so there's no worries about that. I'll never get old. We ought to call you Young Dirk, as to how young you are. I like the sound of that. You're bringing in a brand-new guy that didn't hit the business building? How do we know he's really an acrobat? Young Dirt, if you'd be so kind. Back blue.

Whoa! Yes, young spine, strong. And with that, I think it might be best if we synchronize all our watches now. Why? Well, we've got to stay in time, haven't we? We've all got to be on the exact same frequency, the exact... Well, just imagine if one of us were to go up to the money floor before the security cameras have been... Because, you know, we haven't planned everything just to let it go old willy-nilly off of any old...

Why? Well, because that's how a good heist works. Why? Well, because we're criminals. Well, it's because we've decided to live this life outside of law and order, Doge. Because the capitalist system has funneled us towards the margins of society. Why? You know what, Dogey, why not you stick around and we can really have this out? Everyone else get to the rendezvous point, yeah?

Okay. All right. Baby's a real chatterbox. I'll go back. Blue team, this is red team. Red team nearly in position. What's your status, mate? Just one guard. And I'm at maximum stickiness.

Absolutely fantastic. Why don't you go ahead and start this party? Uh-e-e-huh. Now everybody gets down on the ground. Don't be a hero. You don't be a hero. You're not a hero. No heroes.

Nobody moves. Both of you on the ground. I mean, gravity dictates that we're all sort of... Way down. Okay. Very fine working deeds, sir. Now plant those charges. Get ready to blow.

We have 90 seconds before we see the coffers, all right? All right, I can't wait to get my hands on a safe, see? Get cracking. Snaps, I told you, you don't need to come along on this job. There's no safe. But I brought my stuff at Gopsy and my little glove. Now, Clark, Love, where are we with the explosives? Completely done.

They're at every connection point. It's going to be a blast. It's outjucking standing. All right. We're going to blow the floor and we're going to take it out. Look at your hands in the air where I can see him. We have me surrounded! How's where you are! Don't do that thing!

Look at the badge! Little Bobby Boy, dance! The Little Bobby Boy, dance is a distraction. I'm little bobby boy, look at me dance. You do me from the foveys, now I'm a man. I'm little bobby boy, look at me dance. Wow. Look at my fingers.

Look at my toes. Look at my hat. And look at my soul. The only thing that kid's stealing is my heart. I'm a little funny boy, you see a boy, but now I'm a man. Look at me now! Wow, what a world-class performance. We'll be on our way.

Apologies, sir. All right, let's move out. Move out, move out, move out. Dogey, what's our status? I'm very hungry. Oh, don't worry, love. We've got snacks of plenty once this mission's over, but we are in position, are we not? Yeah.

Capital news, Doge, capital, indeed. Sorry, uh, excuse me. Whoa, who are you? My name is Ment Gorgler. I'm an associate here on the money floor. I guess I just have one question for you guys. I don't understand how you're planning to steal any money from the money floor. The money here is digital currency.

The second any of it leaves the geofence, it becomes a jumble of ones and zeros completely worthless to anybody. All right, snaps, love, would you put your ear piece into this fine gentleman's ear? Yeah, yeah, definitely. What's this? Oh, hello? Put that in there. Hello?

Hello? Hey, go for Ment. Hi, this is Elsie Crosworth. Now, listen, love. Do you ever play Gondi? Oh, yeah, there's an oversized one at the bar I go to after words. Very fun, very fun. We've all enjoyed a good game.

Now, what we're going to do is blow this floor free from the supports of the tower, right? Like that game, we're going to just yank the whole floor. And that way, none of the digital currency will be erased and we'll be able to offload it at our leisure, once we've stolen it. But what about the 44th above the money floor? That's the sector's largest children's hospital. You said you played gongchew. Yeah.

Yeah, so you know that if you yank fast enough, it just falls straight down, doesn't it? Not in my opinion. Well, it sounds like you're not a very good gansu player. Huh, I guess not. Uh, clark, love, are we ready? Ready. All right, dogy, love, just fire the grappling cables.

I'll be that. Alright, two, one, zero. Full retro rockets. Oh no, we're not going nowhere. What's happening? Oh, there's a snag. Oh no. What's going on back there? I can't see your face.

The charge glass is lodged for one of the cables into the ceiling rigging. Oh, it's such a narrow point. Someone would have to jump through the air but kick it at the... The height of the jump. Wow. Were you to tick higher, love? I can't. Look at my feet. They're stuck here at the bottom of my legs.

All of ours are. Someone's got to get it, but it's too far away. There's too much space. Space? Wait. Bars! Sleep! Wow, how did you do that?

Magic, save? You did it. All 40 floors above the 13th floor just landed cleanly on top of the rest of the building. This makes me want to tent dance! The children are saved! Assembled, sentience, congratulations to each and every one of you for becoming the richest scoundrels in the sector. DIRF, do a back foot

Do back foot That's only on the job All right, I'll do one Backwood That DIRF is young DIRF, welcome to the crew You really helped us get across the finish line What are you all going to do with your cut?

I'm going to pay off all my mind too, thanks Young Durf, how about you? I don't know, I didn't go to school I sort of just wandered around the verse I don't believe in formal education. You got any loans? I would buy cater loans. I thought catering paid you, though.

Well, but here's the thing. You got to invest early in a white shirt that doesn't quite fit you. And then a little bow tie. They make you buy the bow tie? What do you think they give it away? It's not charity. Bow ties? That's the fanciest tie.

This is the greatest party I've ever been to, say? Please go! Boop, boom, boom, boom, wait out. I, uh, I stashed some orange beer in the top, the upper deck of the toilet. I'm going to run back and get them, all right, guys, keep the party going. Wait, during the heist, you stash this beer? The upper deck of a toilet? The upper deck, the top part.

You don't want to stash beer in the lower part of the toilet. That's a very visible. First off, someone's going to steal it. Second off, someone's going to pee on it. Anyway, keep the party going. I'll be right back. I love you guys. We're going to live forever.

And we love you, Yudda. We love your. Oh, okay. Uh, could I, I put some stuff in the upper deck. Could I just grab that out of there? Lord deck opening. Uh, no, I just need this stuff from the upper deck. I'd say like six orange beers. It shouldn't be a... I stashed them there. Upper deck opening. Nothing there. Uh, sorry, do you know where the orange beers? Oh my rod.

Oh, wait, Ron. Clacker. Stucky. Clark. Alfie. Snabs. Little Bobby boy. You've all been shot to death.

Somebody set us up. What? Who would do this? Young do have come close to me. Alfie, come close to me. No, no, no, I have last words. No, no. No, no, but I'm the mastermind of the heart.

Bobby are having to teach you the little Bobby dance to carry it to others. Guys, guys, the thing about your last words is you have to be very specific with them. It's important. You can't, like, just toss it off. Behind you, say. Your last words are behind you? Your best days are behind you. Behind you, sir.

What? And that, dear reader, is the first time that old Derve died. And come to think of it, you know, I mentioned all those my good friends. I didn't actually know them very long. And when I said we die for each other, I meant we die with each other. Because that's what happened. We died right there as a group. And that's how much closer can you be?

Ah. Stress enough that the airwaves and subspace channels are compromised, and therefore we must confine all communications to these data cassettes, which we record over and leave at junk shops and garage sales for the next best friend to pick up. That is why I, Phoebe Rundf, master of espionage and intelligence, have chosen this cassette, which appears to be some sort of self-produced jam band album. Anyway, the plan is perfect. As you know, Ross, the rebellion that we have built,

stands upon the shoulders of many who came before us. Skrangara, the Finkersham Collective, Twinkle, nearly a century in the making, and finally our time to strike approaches. Knowledge, as I have always said, is power. We know the monarchies every move. We have the plans to their super weapon, and we know it's critical vulnerability.

And, speaking from personal experience, if I may digress from the Galactic Rebellion for just a hot sec, no knowledge. is more powerful than that of your own finances, and that is why I use Rocket Money. Rocket Money is a personal finance app that helps find and cancel your unwanted subscriptions, monitors your spending, and helps lower your bills so you can grow your savings. I have always thought, obsessed with Intel and surveillance as I am, that I had a handle on the amount of croon I had going out of my account each month.

Boy, was I wrong! But Rocket Money shows me where all my money is going and helps me make better decisions so I can keep more cash in my pocket. Rocket money has saved users over 2.5 billion croon, including over 880 million croon in cancelled subscriptions alone. Their 10 million members save up to 740 croon a year when they use all the app's premium features. Cancel your unwanted subscriptions and reach your financial goals faster with rocket money. Go to rocketmoney.com slash zix today. That's rocketmoney.com slash zix. Rocket money.com slash zy xx. I must cut this missive short, as I am at the Rodnavue point, which as you know is a yard sale in the herbal district of Vrangus 4. And I... Good God. These people are trying to sell you socks. And a Nortan deck with

half the cards missing. Is this who we're fighting for? Just curate a little bit. It's not that hard. thing as it was working a minute ago. I pressed this big button here. Wait, wait. Oh, mama. Red light on. I figured it out. Okay, now where was I? Brain. Used on my brain on the light. Okay, yes, the heist. So, we celebrated and then they died. And then, twist, I died. And this is where things take an interesting turn. You ever wake up in a place you're like, What? This is weird. Well, that's what I did. Morek bots come together.

I'm here. We're not here. Time to check in on the bodies to make sure they are dead. Still dead. This one's still dead. Still dead. Still dead. Yeah. Oh. Oh. Oh.

What? Where am I? dead. Welcome to the morgue. Welcome to the morgue. You are not dead. Finally, checking if they are dead makes sense. Morg? How did it get here? Where's the rest of my crew? Dead. Dead, dead. What? Welcome to there, morgue. Welcome to the morgue. Silence, you stupid droids. Get out of here. Welcome to the morgue. I know, I know. I'm aware. I'm going to get out of here.

Here, get into this drawer. Sorry, the droids are so annoying. Why, there's so many of them? Just wild overspending on morgue droids. I'm sorry, do you work here? Who are you? I just woke up here in this morgue alive. And you have no idea how. That's right. I'm here to tell you.

I am Zapsop. Zaps up. I'm a Zemo master. To answer your questions, yes, you were dead, but you've been resurrected thanks to your connection with the power that we call the space. Oh, the space. I've never heard of that. But is it like the space between different things and there's like sort of an inherent energy to it? Wow, okay, that was, yeah, that's pretty right on. And then obviously on the other side of the coin, there'd be the stuff, which is like what's in between the space, the different objects that exist in space. It's, well, you're really on a terrier, but...

And when you think about it, you perceive all of this stuff through yourself. So it's all just like how you take it in and give it a look, you know? Is that what it is? Okay, you haven't heard of this before. This is new to you? You got a lot of that really quickly and really accurately. Yeah, no, I don't know. I'm just a young thief.

He likes to juke around. Watch this, backflip? You think you can do those backflicks because you're in shape? Okay, sorry, I have a little punch. You're using the space right now, and you don't even know it. No one can actually backflip. The physics of it are impossible. Everyone who can backflip is a practitioner of the space.

Just backflips. Listen, the backflips are one thing. But you resurrecting from the dead? Is that one made it? No. Where is this? Away, away. Whoa.

You didn't even touch those robots and they moved backwards. How could you do that? A simple trick of creating space between myself and his useless droids. Wow. Creating space. Listen, what you're doing is dangerous. Now you have the potential to be one of the most powerful Zima Knights the galaxy has ever known. Nice.

But you must learn how to wield your power. properly, but the risk of whackness is inevitable. Very serious, Guy, this is serious. You think I'm jucking around when I'm talking about whackness? I can tell you're not. It's a funny word to say if you're not jucking around, but okay. Come with me, to Ziba Prime. I'll mentor you in the ways of the fresh, so that you may use your power for the good of the galaxy. Zapsop, don't you understand? My friends and I were all just murdered.

This power you speak of, I wanted, I covet. But first, I have to go. solve my murder. Dyrf, don't you understand? You're wasting your time. Look at these holes. Yeah. Oh, don't put your finger in there. That feels really weird. I'm trying to illustrate something. Only one type of blaster makes this hole. A raxlarian X-29 proton separator. Those have been illegal for the last 30 years. Finding someone crazy enough to own one would be suicide.

Well, it's a good thing that I can't die, Hans Zapsup. You're making a mistake. Durf. Promise me, promise me you'll return to Zima Prime. Otherwise, all your potential will be wasted. I love getting wasted. I'll see you later. It's a good line, but it's... Please come again.

Come again? That's a dark... It's a dark thing for a more fun of this. You'll be back. You'll be back. You'll be back. You'll be back. You'll be back. That's much grimmer. Now, real quick before I go.

If I drink an orange beer, will it come out my raxllarian holes? And so I began my quest to find my killer. And I had to go anywhere where crime happened. I hit up every dust dead, crime alley, every jerkhole in the verse. And boy did I meet some psychos. What are you doing in this alley? I'm looking to find someone who knows a little thing about murder What? Just because I live in an alley, you think I'm a murderer?

Well, you certainly have seen some stuff, right? No, I'm an accountant who lives in an alley. Uh, okay. Why do you live here? You don't want to... Isn't there like an... Yeah, it's an alley, but I own, all right? Oh, this is your alley. Got the papers, right here. Paper, this is where garbage it goes. Get out of here.

Get out of here. There's no murder in here. Excuse me, are you a weapons dealer? Uh-huh. I'm looking for a very particular weapon. Oh, go on. It's a Rax Larian X-29 proton separator. It killed me. Get out. Get out.

Do you have one or did you sell one recently? She has never been this angry. Why is she mad at me? Are you guys weapons dealers? What's... Uh-huh. Yeah. What are you looking for?

I'm wondering if you sold anyone a Raxelarian X-29 proton separator. Get out. Get out. Why you're so aghast? It says on your sign, we sell weapons here. And we do. Yeah. What do you sell?

All sorts of weapons. I'm looking for someone. I feel crazy. I feel crazy. But I'm looking for a... That's fine. If you sold a Rax Lary and X-Wanoddoron proton separator to anybody. Lod here!

Get out. Look how angry my wife is. You guys are married? Yeah. Seventy-five years. 75 wonderful years. You know what the 75th wedding anniversary gift is? Is it a Rax Lary and X-29 Proton sever?

It's paper. Well, hey there, friend. Don't see a lot of people roaming around this empty shuttered carnival. Yeah, I'm looking for something. Oh, really? I'm looking for a murderer. Oh, I think I might be able to help you out. Are you a cop?

What? Are you a cop? Why would you say that? You got a cop's neck? I've been told that a lot on the inside. Wait, the inside of a prison? Space prison? Yep, yep, yep, in the prison.

And so let me just ask you, what did you say when you were, like, getting in a fight in space prison? Oh, all sorts of stuff. Are you looking to hire a killer, or are you a killer yourself? Hey, did you get your lapel out of my mouth area? It's too cool. Are you recording, trying to record me? Low battery. What?

What? Low battery. That's what I always say what I'm getting. I'm going to go get myself a cup, a Joe. You said low battery. You want a cup of Joe? You're a criminal? We've got a 4292 over on Acer Avenue, all units.

Oh, man. guess there's enough battery in there for your radio to be working. Hi, we're twins. We're two sexy single twins. Hi. I'm twin number one, Clara. I'm twin number two, Clara. We're two sexy, single, single, local twins. Wow, single and local. Um, has anyone ever told you how six-old, sorry, six-old sexy and funny you are? Wow. No, that's really nice.

I've had a, you know, a long day. I'm out looking for, I was murdered. I'm looking for my murderer. Wow, that's so unique. What do you do for work? You know, no one ever asked me questions. Thank you, Flara. It's Clara. Sorry, Clara. Very fun. Have you ever murdered someone yourself? Have I ever murdered? No, not yet. Our favorite activity activity.

Our tick activity is to walk on the beach. That's nice. Do you do that together? We love working out. What do you? We have a, we are sarcastic, but not too sarcastic. Do you, sorry, what do you guys, what do you do for a living? You work together?

Yes, we're entrepreneurs. Yeah. Together. What are you, what's your business, if I could ask? What do you do for a fun? I guess I'm on sort of a mission right now So that's a lot of fun Oh no, our ex-boyfriends are here

Your ex-boyfriends are here Both of them Oh no I'm so jealous I'm also so jealous Who is this man Who is this man? I don't want to get in the middle

I'm already in the middle of these two Don't look at me like that buddy Don't look at me like that buddy I'm just I'm not looking at What are your names Sorry just to keep track I'm Claro

And I'm Florrow These are my ex-girlfriends Who dated who dated who? Does it matter? Doesn't matter. It's over now. Oh, you guys We're sexy, sexy, sexy units. What caused you guys to break up?

I have some questions for my own thing, but like, what caused you guys to break up? We didn't have anything in common. Nothing in common at all. No, I walk on the beach. Those two like to walk on the beach. We go the other direction on the beach. The reason I came up to you guys is because I feel like you're very likely to be murdered.

So I wanted to see if anyone would show up and murder you. Hi, I hate being here. Sorry. I'm looking for some killer. Oh, just because I live in a sewer, you think I'm a killer? I own, buddy, I own here. You own this, isn't a sewer just like the absence of a place, it's a hole?

No, I'm a killer. See, I knew it. I know it. I don't live here, though. I'm just visiting. Oh, okay. He's my friend from out of town. I don't want to interrupt.

He's here for a wedding, and he's staying with me. I own. In the sewer, okay. In the sewer, you're staying? Have you seen the rates on hotels in this town? My interest rate's great, babe. Did you kill me? Did I kill you?

Yeah. No. Okay. End of questions. This is how you're choosing to investigate this? Asking killers one by one if they're involved? That's, it's a long journey. Well, whose wedding are you going to?

You're a killer. You're asking a lot of questions, buddy. What kind of gun? Is that a Rexlarian X-29 proton separator? I'm not crazy. I don't carry a Raxllarian X-29 protons. Get out of the sewer. What? Oh, it's their wedding. They're renewing their vows. It's my super.

What? I thought you owned. It's a co-op. He's your super. I got you. Just when I thought I was getting nowhere, I stumbled into a real upended bucket of a bar on the planet mill. And that's when fate tapped on my shoulder. All right, say, my friend, here is a triple big tea. Oh, yeah, that's going to jump me right up.

Friendly reminder, a triple big tea contained dangerous levels of alcohol. This could lead to impaired judgment, stumbling, or vomiting. Be honest, how friendly was that reminder? My reminders are always friendly. Goody, you gotta loosen up. Here, try, just a sip. Now don't put me in it. I think you're gonna feel a lot better once I dunk you in this glass. Exposure to liquid can be harmful to my...

You gotta tell you, Sjay, I like you in here, but your friend is boring. My friend here is a court-ordered buzzed. Ethical transgression deterrenticlet. You can call me Goody. Oye. Good ethics. You're a per cent. Roll egglet. Yes, that is correct.

Okay. I'm part of the monarchy's exciting new criminal justice initiative. One that replaces imprisonment with reminders. I even have a little finger I can wag. Oh, yeah? Wag this. Those are your genitals again. Hey, uh, barkeep.

Oh, what's your poison, stranger? My poison is vengeance. But I don't drink it. I'm dishing it out, you know? I'm a vener. Vengeance tender. Right. So, I guess, like...

You have an order or... Yeah, I'll have an orange beer. Would you like some vengeance, is what I'm saying? Absolutely not. I was told this was a place I could find... Quality beverages. No, no, no. That much is clear.

This is a spit-in-a-glass joint. What? That's what they say. That's what they're saying. So I'm here to find someone, you know, a little unsavory, huh? Well, according to you, that could be interesting. Anybody here, right? That's right.

That's exactly right. Now we're talking. I need a real killer. Oh, you must mean Shay. Wow, that got specific quick. I love it. Shay! Yeah!

This guy wants you to kill somebody or wonders who you killed or is gonna kill you? Something. Okay. Anyway, two stools down, sir. Is Shay? You mean the three-horned, four-legged creature? Sitting on that school? All right, YouTube, my eyes are up here, and my genitals are down here.

We've seen that. We've seen them. Can I study your face? Come closer. Let me just feel the contours of whoever you are. Unauthorized touch. Unauthorized touch. Do all your ankles have annoying jewelry on them, or just that one?

It is annoying. Now, why do you want to know who Shea is? Oh, I'm DIRF, and I was murdered recently. The murder is bad. That's all you have to say? We know. That's all you got, buddy? It's one of the worst.

One of the worst, what? Things. You can do. This is an ethics bot. This is not a lot of circuitry. To be fair to him, I have dumped him in my drink quite a bit. I am going to have to print out a stern remonstration against donkey. government electronics and alcohol

he prints tickets for you yeah for the most extreme offenses I print out a citation mm-hmm and you know what I do with those citations I do I wipe my butt with them but if you do not answer it in 30 days

I must print out another one and what will I do with that one wipe your butt with it yes my child and I are leaving this place is not Family, friendly. Never said it was. You honestly should have left so long ago.

Okay, sorry, not to butt in, guys. But the fact that you're alive is murder might be bad, but this seems like not one of the worst ones. How many ethics box we got at this room right now? Everyone got an opinion? Look, Shay. I need to find who murdered me. I'm looking for an X-29 proton separator.

It's, uh, the weapon that was used to kill. The X-29 proton separator was actually banned in the Volunin Accords. It is incredibly dangerous and incredibly illegal. Illegal. Okay, okay, but... You get so worried. He's so worried about you. Goody, goody, quiet.

Or you go back in the triple T glass. Now, what does this have to do with me? I want you to be my partner. Help me track down the people that murdered me. Yeah, yeah, buddy. Okay. You know, Shea doesn't work for free, so... Well, I just recently robbed the money floor, so I have 750 million croons somewhere out there.

Also, I can't die, so that could be fun. Oh, that could be fun. Would you just excuse us one moment? Sure. Did you hear what you just said? This is exactly what we needed. Yeah, he seems nice. Oh, baby, we would have a nice.

Enough croon for me to pay off Talbot with some despair! No, but we can't hurt an innocent person, and also, we'll be lying. Shh. Dirt, wasn't it? Yes. I see something. I see a beautiful partnership starting here. Yes.

What do you say you put it there, and you agree. to join me. Let's go solve my murder. Well, first we have a couple other things we got to do. Let's go do those things and then go solve my murder. And give whoever did it a very

stern talking to. And before any of those things, pay the bill. The young old Durf Chronicles are just beginning. There's a mystery to solve. obviously. Yeah, and I'm going to die a bunch more times, that's for sure. But the real key is, the thing you must remember is that, oh, oh, my, I have to take this. You know, when you get to be old, you got to pick up calls when they call twice, because it could be a prostate thing, or it could be like space stuff, Zima. So I got to take it. But I'll pick up where I was another time. Hello? They're on the phone.

My part is good You don't need to call it to say it good Just don't call This is true This is an old-d DIRF and old Durf were played by Justin Tyler Shay, Lucky Stucky The Shill Weapons Dealer,

Morgot 1 were played by Alley Kokesh. Goody, the ethics hanglet, snaps the safecracker. Morgot 2, the guy who owns in the alley, and the guy who owns in the sewer, were played by Winston Null. Seema Masters, Absop, Alfie Kroonworth, and the murderer in the sewer were played by Jeremy Bent. Clacker the hacker, the electronics shopkeeper, Morgot 5, the obvious cop, Clero and Flero, were played by Alden 4.

Clark, the Demolitions Expert, Morgot 4, the Groth Weapons Dealer, and the Milch Spartender, were played by Settlin. Little Bobby Boy, Morgot 3, The Hideout Toilet, and Flera were played by Mujan Zulfagari. Doji, the Baby Driver, was played by Jody O'Connell. This episode edited by Settlind and Alden Ford with sound design and mix by Shane O'Connell. Theme song by Brendan Ryan, performed by Brendan Ryan, Shane O'Connell, Adam Minkoff, and Jay Fares. Audio hosting by Simplecast. The Young Old Durf Chronicles is a proud member of the Maximum Fun Network.

Hello? Hello, I'm calling on behalf of the Beef and Dairy Network podcast. No, I'm sorry, no sales calls, goodbye. It's a multi-award-winning podcast featuring guests such as Ted Danson, Nick Offerman, Josie Long. I don't know what a Josie Long is, and anyway, I'm about to take my mother into town to see Phantom of the Opera at last. You are wasting my time, and even worse, my mother's time. She only has so much time left. She's 98 years old.

he's only expected to live for another 20 or 30 years. Mother, get your shoes on. Yes, the orthopedic ones. I don't want to have to carry you home again, do I? Right, well, if you were looking for a podcast... Mother, you're not wearing that, are you? It's very revealing, Mother. This is a musical theatre, not a Parisian bordello.

Simply go to maximum fun.org. I'm reaching for my Samsung Galaxy 4 as we speak. Mother! Mother, not that hat! Have you been looking for a new podcast all about nerdy pop culture? Well, I have just the thing for you. Secret mysteries of nerd mystery. Secret Histories of Nerd Mysteries is a weekly pop culture history podcast hosted by me, host Alston. And me, host Brenda.

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What's the bot behind the bot, you know? What blows your hair back? I literally never asked him that question. My function is just to provide good sound judgment for my charge here. I also like... No hobbies? Stamps.

No one should receive a citation with a boring stamp on. Each citation comes with a very valuable stamp that I give away only to be used for the butt. Sent and delivered. Well, time to sweep up these sit-covered stamps. Everybody out