Monday Morning Podcast - Pharma Commercials, Sin, Dehydration Emergency | Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 9-10-26

Episode Date: September 11, 2026

Bill rambles about pharma commercials, committing sin, and a dehydration emergency.Quo: Try QUO for free PLUS get 20% off your first 6 months when you go to http:/.www.Quo.com/BURRSimpliSafe: Celebrate their anniversary with us and save 60% on your new SimpliSafe system at http://www.SimpliSafe.com/BURRMint Mobile: To get your new wireless plan for just 15 bucks a month, go to http://www.MintMobile.com/BURRSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Hey, what's going on? It's old Billy Byrne. It's time for the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast, and I'm just checking in on you. How's it going, man? That's far out. What's starting tonight, everybody? What, ba-ba-ba-ba-bo-do-do do-do do-do.

Bada, ba, ba, ba, ba ba ba ba ba ba ba ba'da ba'a ba'a da da da da daeep. You didn't think I was going to do the whole song? One of the great bass lines in TV history. Whoever played the bass on that, shout out to them. My New England Patriots are going up against the Seattle Seahawks out there in Seattle. You know, with the ocean's rising, you know, you think about all of these. stadiums that are right on the water like that. It's going to be a hell of a fucking thing.

All the team owners will just fucking leave. I mean, we're paying for the stadiums anyways. All right, but let's not go all Noah's Ark about this. Let's stick with bread and circus. I took the Pats. Pats are getting three and a half. Seattle's a great organization. They always play well.

But I don't know. Who the fuck did they got a quarterback? Tyrod Taylor. I can never keep up track. of those guys. Hasselbeck, Jim Zorn, David Craig. Who the fuck do they got? Wait a minute. They only beat us in the Super Bowl last year, right? Did I dream that? I can't even remember last year. We somehow turned the ball over 19 times in the playoffs, still made it to the Super Bowl. That has to be a record. I don't know how many times we turned it over. And then we got our asses who whipped.

Why would they do an exact rematch? Why would they do an exact rematch? I always thought the Super Bowl champion played. Why are we playing? We fucking got our asses kicked. I will say, I did appreciate that ass kicking. I would much rather have my team get the living shit kicked out of them. And it's just, you know, I know in the second quarter it's over, okay? Two behind the year, you're whacked, done.

Okay? As opposed to, like, the fucking, you know, helmet catch, you know, like, those are the ones that just fucking, rip your fucking heart out. But you know what makes up for that? Winning three more after that. For a total of six. That took the taste out of the mouth. Anyway, so that's going on.

You got baseball is coming towards my favorite thing in sports, which is October baseball. Now they got like 58 fucking rounds of that. And then hockey and basketball startup. up and then there's like this little window where all four are playing at the same time. And that's the only time during the year that I think that there is a God out there that loves us when the NBA, the NHL, MLB, and the NFL are all playing at the same time. I'm a simple man, everybody.

And I'll tell you something, I'm becoming an in-shaped man. Billy Freckles. He's staying on that fucking diet. I'm staying on my diet, man. And now I'm actually going to be going to the gym religiously. So it's been falling off me just eating the way that I'm eating. The proteins and the vegetables there twice a day. No snacking.

Two meals. Once a week. No, twice a week. On the third day, I have one meal, the middle of the day. So that's been working out for me. and I'm not hungry. I definitely take my vitamins and all of that shit. But, you know, I don't know if you're an old bastard like me

and they say, you know, you've got to get your ass in shape. This is the best way to do it. Diet as opposed to going to the gym and beating the shit out of yourself. I watch, you know, I'm like most people. I'm on Instagram. I save those fucking workout videos. Not workout videos.

What do you call them? The posts. I don't know what the terminology is. You know what I mean. People make these clips. these all these fucking people here's how you can work out in your apartment you don't need a gym membership

and then I'm watching them doing these fucking calisthenics and I'm like all right that would definitely get me in shape but do my joints wear out first because that's kind of what you're doing at the gym you're just wearing out your joints so you look good when you're young and then when you get old

like I'm surprised like nothing has ever come out about that they just do knee and hip replace and all of that, but, like, you look at all of these these rock stars that jumped around in platform shoes and shit. Anybody who wore, like, heels or platforms, Elton John,

Prince, all of those guys, they fucking wore out their hips. They had to get, like, all of this surgery. So, I got to think. I mean, I know I'm not doing a three-hour show singing Yellow Brick Road, but if I get on the elliptical every day,

that same movement, that can't be good. So I'm really kind of getting into, like, you know, going for a week. right all day, going for a walk, and then stretching a couple times a day. That's where I am in my life. For some reason, when I just said that, I heard one of those dick pill commercials in my head. You know, this could be an everlasting love. His dick works.

He took the fucking pill. I love that Doug Flutie, the big hurt there. What's his, what's his fun? I love that fucking commercial. where they're just standing around basically, yeah, you know, you want to still fucking bang your wife the right way? They keep calling it testosterone pills. It's dick pills.

It's fucking dick pills. If I ever sold like fucking dick pills, if I got into that business, I would just, I would hire Will Ferrell, no matter how much it cost and for him to recreate that scene where he had the raging fucking hard on through his 70 slacks. And he just talks about how he's been using these pills

for the last six months and how his life is great. The whole time he's just sitting there with a rager pushing through his fucking ray on slacks. I mean, I think that would sell. I think the kids could get behind that. Here's something I saw in a weed store the other day. It was warning about the effects of smoke. weed, lung cancer, and they said marijuana use is addictive.

And they never used to say that when I was a kid when I was growing up, like all the weed smokers and all stand-up comedians and they're all going like, you know, saying why weed should be legal because they're just like, you know, you never see anybody robbing a liquor store when they're high on weed and blah, blah, blah, blah. And my joke was, yeah, well, that's the thing. you never see anybody who's high doing anything. The next thing you know, you spent 30 years on your fucking couch eating Cheetos, and your dream went away.

So it is amazing that, like, now weed is legal and it's probably 700 times less healthier with all the chemicals and all the shit that they put in them. Like, when they fucking legalize mushrooms, that's going to be the end of it. Like, one of the greatest things that was ever put in. on earth for human beings and your mental health and they're just going to pump it full of sugar and chemicals. They're drug dealers. What does a drug dealer do when he gets

a kilo of cocaine? He tries to turn it into four kilos by stepping on it with like fucking baby laxatives and all fucking all that bullshit they used to fucking put in there. That's what they do with food now. That's why that fucking beef coming

up from Argentina's got, why would you stick that chemical in there? It's got to be a way to either preserve it longer or make fucking 200 pounds of beef, 230 pounds of beef, or whatever, just money. Insane. Insane and it's here and people are eating it and they're gonna get sick

and nobody's gonna fucking get in trouble. There'll be a class action suit where everybody gets 200 bucks each. Nobody who actually knew what the fuck they were doing that killed their own countrymen will go to jail. But I'll tell you this, if you hoard hand sanitizer as an individual, CNN and Fox News.

If you do that before a pandemic, they will fucking tar and feather you. They get all, they're all about that kind of journalism. Oh, Bill, are you on your fucking stump? I am. I am. Anyway, so I've been doing that.

I'm on the road doing a couple of gigs here. I'm back in New York for the, that 9-11 show at MSG. That'll be tomorrow night. Oh, wait a minute. Wait, today's Wednesday. It'll be Friday. No, it's tomorrow. Thursday. That's right. Thursday the 10th. They're doing it. And, you know, I don't know, I did the 20th one or whatever. It's fucking hilarious. I ran into a comedian and I can't tell that story. I got to I got to wait till after the event.

Oh, my God, sorry I did that to you. You never know. Well, you know what it is? Everybody cuts everything up now and they just try to fucking get you in trouble. If I learned anything in the last fucking 24 months. Oh, by the way, shout out to that person that put together all that incredible list of movies.

I started it to, if you miss the episode, I'll run the list here. They're all fantastic movies, some of which I had seen. Um, where is it? Come on. Oh, Billy. Oh, Billy.

Where is it? All right. Jack Knife. Kathy Baker, uh, Robert De Niro and Ed Harris. I watched that one the other day. It was fantastic.

Ed Harris should have won something for that. Um, and it was, they were both playing against type, I feel, like, at that point where, like, De Niro, was sort of this, you know, he was definitely an edgy guy, but he had a silliness to his character that I loved. And Ed Harris playing, I don't want to ruin the movie, but just what he was playing was fantastic,

and the way that he played it, because it kind of doesn't reveal it until the end. So then you start looking back at all the scenes you already saw him do, you know, he was presenting one way, and he was really this other way. but as you're watching the movie, you just believe it. So you sort of learn it in real time.

And then Kathy Baker was great, too, playing his sister. Fantastic movie. I give that two big thumbs up. That was a great one. All right, here's the rest of the ones that he suggested. I'm going to get through. The next two, I haven't seen, the hit Outland. Outland, sorry.

And then Midnight Express, which I saw a long time ago, I've never been able to watch it again. It's so fucking intense. the Iger sanction never saw that night moves I saw that crazy ending to that one with Gene Hackman the parallax view

fucking amazing movie I saw that the audacophile Odesophile I can't fucking pronounce English today did not see that one the conversation I saw amazing the outfit I saw that the offense

1973 scarecrow arguably Al Pacino's most underrated movie with Gene Hackman. Breezy, never saw that. Fear is the key, wake and fright. The Anderson tapes, I saw that. Clute, I got to see that one.

A number of people have brought that one up. Five easy pieces, I saw that one. In Colossus, the Forbidden Project. Most of these are from the 70s. The first three were from the 80s. Oh, I see what he did. He worked his way backward. from 1989 to 1970.

I'm almost at the halfway point. That's really cool. That's like reminds you back in the day when somebody would make you a mixtape. It was like the greatest thing ever. It was like, well, that was really cool you to do that, man. I guess we really are friends. To make a cool movie list like that, man,

it does not go underappreciated. Anyway, so I am here in New York and I haven't had any pizza. I haven't had any bagels. Last night for my second meal, I had two kebabs and a house salad, no dressing, crushing the waters.

And then I had for lunch, I had a piece of salmon. God knows what the fuck was in that with some asparagus. And that was it. And believe it or not, I was full the whole fucking day. Oh, that's not true.

I popped in and did a spot at the New York comedy. club and I hadn't eaten my second meal yet. And I'm not going to lie, it was a little lightheaded on stage. I was like, all right, maybe I need to increase a little more eating here. I don't know. I always look at it until I'm like puking behind a dumpster, like I don't need to be concerned about my diet.

Although being a little dizzy definitely made me feel some certain things. Anyway, so what else? Oh, fuck, am I supposed to, I think this is only Wednesday, so I can hit pause here for a second. Oh, old Billy always got something to do. It's 1243. I'm about ready to go have my first goddamn meal of the day. And I'm a, I'm a big breakfast guy. I'm a breakfast guy.

I like people say shit, what kind of guy they are. I'm a breakfast guy. I'm an East Coast guy. I'm a truck guy. I'm a good guy. You know? You never hear a nerd say that, you know? I'm a computer guy.

I'm a furry guy. I'm a Comic-Con guy. I don't know. I'm starting to come back around on nerds. They're not all bads. Bads? They're not all bad. Just the ones in power.

It really is just power. Whether you're a frat boy or a fucking nerd, you know, or you have a vagina. Right? You can go right across nerd. That would be Steve Jobs. vagina, Margaret Thatcher, and the frat boy.

Who's that, Clinton? Just terrible. Terrible people. I don't know. This is like, maybe is this sexist to say it's like even more like shocking and horrible when you see a woman be as evil as a man. You know what I mean? Just sit there killing all those Irish people and just not giving a fuck.

and the hatred and the coldness that she had towards them. As a woman, as a mother. I mean, that's just fucking... He's got an igloo between your legs. Hey, you know, that's how business is done. You know, tough decisions have to be made. For what? I don't know.

I saw this thing the other day. Super hippie-dippy. It was a picture of John Lennon and Yoko Ono. Oh, geez, jeez. and he's holding up a sign and said, war is over if you want it to be. And I know that's overly simplified, but if ever there was a day,

we could all get on the same page, including people in the military, just being like, yeah, you know, we're not going to kill each other anymore. We're not doing that. That would be so fucking fascinating. Like, how would they try to infiltrate because there would be a leader.

There would be some sort of head that they would have to fucking chop off and then get people to fight it. Because you know, they do that. They get into protesters. They'll just have somebody that works for the government throw that first fucking rock

or throw something at the cops to just give them a fucking excuse to start beating the shit out of people. Which has always been funny to me about this country. They've always talked like we've had the freedom to protest. And every time you see a protest, it's protesters getting tear gassed and getting the living shit kicked out of him by the cops. And it's just like, do we, do we have the right? You have the right

to come down here and say what you think for about 15 minutes and then we're going to beat the shit out of all of you. That's, that's how the game's being played. And then they always, so then they always look bad doing it. So then they just would hire somebody to go into the crowd to throw that first fucking thing at them. It's such a crazy game. that we do all of that stuff to each other. Still, to this day, but I don't blame God. He made the place and then he left. That's it.

And he's out there in the universe continuing to expand the universe. He's not looking at you. He's not worried about us. And I think the people that are in power that have all the information truly know this. Because like, why else would they be living their lives? if you actually truly believed in heaven and hell and you were afraid of eternal damnation,

I don't think that you would be a warmonger. I don't think you would take money. I don't think you would sell false flag wars. I don't think you would do any of that. I don't think if this shit was real, if it wasn't just made up, that the Catholic Church would have been doing what they were doing with boys.

I mean, I will say this about religious, like hardcore religious people. There is no commandment they like to break more than the fifth. They will fucking kill somebody in a fucking second. Oh, speaking of that, last night I saw a great law and order.

There was this crazy guy that had a vendetta about everybody that hurt him. And he was going to kill him, and he had like these diabolical ways that he would fucking kill these people. You know, gas him. Have a fucking,

you know, What do you call those needles that junkies use? Is it hypodermic? I don't know. Like one of those needles you get at the doctor's office when you had the mumps. You know, he would stick down like under a pillow on a chair and the person would sit down.

Somehow get like a lethal injection. And they did the classic Law & Order. They got you believing it's one person and then in the end it's somebody else. It was a really good fucking episode. I used to watch Law & Order all the time. And I couldn't get to sleep last night. And I ended up putting it on.

And I got to tell you, it was fucking fantastic. Bump, bum, bum, bum, boom. Beoo. And it's one of the few things where they made like 58 of them after the first one was successful and they were still all good. That was back in the day when Hollywood hired writers. All right, I got some bullshit here. I got to go take care of it at 1 o'clock.

So let me get back to you. And I'll finish this podcast up. And you can mercifully get on with your weekends. Okay, and I'm back. Took me for fucking ever here. All right, let's do the reeds. Let's do the reeds. Quo, everybody.

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see mintmobile.com. All right, and with that, let me tell you what happened at my show last night. So I went down to Gotham Comedy Club to work with the Mizzili's, the Mizzili brothers, or as my wife calls them,

the Maserati brothers. I love that club, and I love those two guys down there. Chris and Steve, straight shooters, man. You don't get a lot of those in this business. So I go down to do the show, and it's supposed to start at 9.30,

and all of a sudden there's some sort of medical emergency. Some dude fucking keeled over. Just fucking fell sideways right out of his chair. Like someone having a heart attack on a golf course, falling out the side of a golf cart. And that's what everybody thought. Like, oh, fuck, he's having a heart attack. He's having an aneurysm.

Everybody's thinking the worst. And the fucking ambulance guys come in. Some call him paramedics. I call him ambulance guys. The ambulance guys come in and just fucking ripped the dude's shirt open. EKG shit, you know, they're doing all of that.

It's like an episode of ER, right? Turns out the guy was just dehydrated. The ambulance never left. They just had it parked out front, just fucking mainline and gatorade. You know, they were giving him gatorade instead of coconut water, blowing out his fucking kidneys. And I just thought that that was the funniest.

I was obviously relieved that the person wasn't dying. By the way, I haven't confirmed any of this. I was just told it was dehydration. All I know is the fucking ambulance never left, and the light stayed on. So whatever it was, the dude was still alive. But if it was dehydration, I have to give a shout out. I got to give a shout out to this person. Like, how do you get that dehydrated by Wednesday night?

You know what I mean? I could see Sunday morning, right? You went hard Friday night. You went hard Saturday night. You kept fucking boozing. up, you fucking smoking cigarettes, you wake it up having a couple of cappuccinos, and the next thing you know, I don't know, you're fucking all dried out, you got like a headache, but like even then you don't fucking keel over, as hung over as I've ever been and dehydrated

on a Sunday morning. I never passed out. And this guy did it on a fucking Wednesday night. So shout out to him. It was very dramatic. And I'm happy the person's all right. But, you know, once I found out it was dehydration, it was fucking hilarious. And I also have to acknowledge Keith Robinson, absolutely crushing it.

And this is a person that I'm a huge fan of, and I haven't, this is my first time working with him. I hope I say his last name right. Dan Dosimo, D-O-C-I-M-O, D-A-N-D-C-I-M-O. Follow him on Instagram, like, As far as new people coming up, joke writers go, this kid, as far as I'm concerned, is one of the best I've seen.

He went up and absolutely murdered it. And what I loved was all three of our styles were completely different. So I think the crowd had a great time. So as always, thank you to the wonderful Gotham Comedy Club here in New York City. I had such a great time. And shout out to Steve Mizzily's buddy who came down. I didn't get to meet him. brought some cigars. So it was kind of the perfect night. And my Patriots didn't win,

but they looked solid. I mean, at least Seattle didn't kick the living shit out of us. This time, you know, so I think we got a solid squad. We'll see what happens. And the NFL season has begun, just like that. All right, that is the Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Enjoy the music, picked out by the amazingly talented Andrew Thumbulles, followed by a bonus episode of a past Thursday afternoon just before Friday, Monday morning podcast. Have a great weekend, you cut. Rhyms ever made by man are going into this mic written by this hand. I'm coming out of this mouth made by this tongue.

I tell you now my man, my name is young. But so you think of this your destiny to get the best of me. But I suggest to be quiet, bro, don't even try from the east and west of me. Taking it and never breaking it or even shaking it. Grooving it to know it's moving it because I'm not faking it. Pulling out rhymes like books off the shelf. Born in England, Mays and Hollis. myself this is stone cold rhyme and no frills no fluffs and there's no accident that these rhymes sound tough

i'm going off baby there's no turning back i'm on your tv on your album cassette and they track and when the show was finally finished i'll be taking my bad my name is young and yo i got no how you know what i'm saying hey what's going on is bill burr and it's time for the monday morning podcast for monday september 10th 2018 how's it going how i yeah how i yeah um i am back from a whirlwind tour i fucking crazy weekend. I'm actually sitting here podcasting in front of the TV, which I know a lot of you don't like.

Simply, the fucking Steelers and Browns had a tie. Wow. Jesus Christ. This is the exact reason why you don't like it. This is the exact fucking reason because I get distracted. I haven't seen a fucking tie since, like,

they've had overtime. I don't recall one. 0.0 and 1 are the Pittsburgh Steelers and the Cleveland Browns. How about that? Anyways, yeah, I'm sitting here. I got the Red Sox game on in the background. The Houston Astros are trying to become the second team this season to sweep the Red Sox, while Boston is trying to go two for two today against the city of Houston. All right? Now, we're already done. Kick the shit out. You fucking football team. Now we're trying with your baseball team. I'll be honest with you.

I thought the Patriots looked good for the first two and a half quarters. Special teams was letting up more yards than I would like than you would like, Bill. You was a what? A football coach? You was a comedian. A shit joke telling fucking jackass who decided to fucking record a game and fast forward through the commercials. Yeah, Bill, what did you see on your game film? Fair enough. Fair you know, there's always room for criticism. Who am I to sit here and act like I'm above it? Yeah, I was very impressed with our pass rush.

I was very impressed with our ability to contain, what's his name, Watson there? I thought he was going to be a nightmare. I also thought he might have been a little gun shy about running because he was coming back from a knee injury. So I thought he ran when he had to, but I was impressed with him staying in the park. pocket. I like the new left guard we got there, left tackle, I should say, taken over for Nate's soldier. Soulder, whatever you say his name? He's only there for fucking 20 years. Now he's playing with the Giants. Brown, whoever that guy was, he was keeping all those beasts front four of the Texans, where they got Clowny, they got J.J. Watts, and then they got some

other guy, like maniac or something like that. His name is literally like psycho or maniac or something like that. Not a nickname. The name he was born with. As a baby. Oh, look at that little cute baby. What's its name? Clarence Maniac.

You want to have a play date? No, I don't. Why are my fucking headphones fucking... God damn, these fucking cheap-ass fucking things. I swear to God. I just can't win. Cannot fucking win. What is going on now?

This is all brand new shit. I got all brand new shit here, people. Speaking of which, if you want to fucking... If you want to... A couple things I'm selling. I just bought a new mixer. My old one works fine, but I'm getting back to doing these uninformed with Joe de Rosa,

which is going to be up on my Patreon page coming up here in November. We're going to tape some episodes, get a little in the can and that type of shit and some other stuff. So I'd get a mixer where I could actually have enough microphones for more than two people. So I have a mixer with the chords and all of that shit.

If you want to start your own podcast, if you want to open up your little podcast shop across the street and compete with me, let me know. I'll figure it out because I already started Dean Del Rey selling some shit. I got a drum kit that I'm selling. All right?

I'll get all the information. I'll have it posted on my fucking Twitter site. I'm selling this one of those sonar like travel kits, you know? It's kind of like the Quest Love one. one the, what is it? Whatever that one that he does with a little fucking 18 inch bass drum, it's the same thing, but it's a sonar.

And fucking beautiful. I just don't have the room for it anymore. I got a, I made a little drum room in my garage so I don't have to have a studio space for my drums. So now I brought the big boy kit home and now I got that little one, which fucking sounds great by the way. And I also have the, uh, the, the fucking pads there where it's, silent, you know what I mean? Where it doesn't, it doesn't, you know, the mesh ones or the real ones.

I got it tuned up nice. My buddy tuned it up, I should say, after I kind of fucked it up a little bit. But whatever, that's what has come down to people. This is the new me, okay? I'm getting rid of shit. And right now, you know what, my whole fucking day, my headphones aren't working right now. I have no fucking idea if you can, all I'm doing is just looking at the fucking mixer. I know that you can hear me.

I haven't been able to, I fucking came home. I went to watch the fucking Patriots game. My wife, Angel, that she is, taped the game for me, and then I'm sitting there watching it, and the thing just like, it starts fucking up. Then I got to hit pause. I got to shut it off. I got to turn it back on.

It was doing like one of those fucking things. And it started off what was doing it every couple of minutes. Then once a minute, oh, fuck you, you cunt. Fowball. Foul ball? Was that fair or foul? Fowl. All right.

Sorry. It's two to one red socks, by the way. Astros are up. He just hit one down by the pesky pole. It went foul. Anyways. So then it started doing it like every 30 seconds. And it was like every eight fucking seconds.

And I was loving watching the game. Tony Romo, I'm calling it right now. Tony Romo, if he fucking keeps doing this shit, he's going to be a Hall of Fame broadcaster. I have never learned more. shit about football. I don't think maybe since I'm going back, maybe like John Madden.

The way the guy's breaking down all of this stuff, and there's always been all these coaches and all this shit tried to do it. Somehow the way Tony Romo does it, it's like you get it. He does it in real time. It's fucking amazing. So I was enjoying that.

So you know how the world works. Oh, what are you enjoying something? Well, let's fuck up the recording of it. So that's what ended up happening. And you know what it's funny about my fucking headphones? Is if I sit up and I'm uncomfortable, they work perfect. But if I lean back and I'm comfortable, I swear to God, dude. I don't know what the fuck.

I think I, did I kill Tesla in another fucking life? Is that what I did? And this is my fucking punishment. This is literally all brand new shit. I swear to God. I don't know what the fuck. Did I kick Edison in the balls during a previous life? Well, he's a fucking thief anyways, right?

I swear to go out. Unbelievable. And this is the shit, right? My wife never flips out about shit like this. You know why? Because it never happens to her, because she buys new shit and it works. My wife will, like, lose her cell phone in Grand Central Station,

and then I'll call it. And there'll just be some guy, yeah, yes, I have it. No, no, I'll bring it to you, right? I lose my cell phone. That's fucking it over. cold case file. No leads, no nothing. That fucker is gone.

All right. So it's better over here. A little better over here, a little better. Now this fucking thing is hanging off here. This whole fucking podcast is just going to be me bitching about this fucking wire that I just bought. Now it's off. Now it's off. Now it's on.

Oh, I see what happens. When there's a little bit of weight and it's hanging down. Oh, it can't handle that, can you? Can't fucking handle a little bit of fucking weight? Is that what it is? I just figured what it. out what it is. Oh, we got a quitter here, everybody. We got a little fucking snow fight, don't we?

Let's just move the whole fucking table for you, buddy. Yep, everybody gets a fucking ribbon. Now my mixer just fell off the fucking table. This is just going off the rails here. Why do I try to make my life easier? It doesn't work out. So anyways, can I lean back? Can the old man put his fucking back up against the couch?

Hello, test. Oh, there we go. There we go. All right. So I'm back. What you just saw there was why my wife is sick of living with me. You know, everything's a fucking conspiracy theory with me. I really wish when those sort of challenging moments, and in the first world country, as a blue-eyed white male, that was actually a challenging moment for me. As people are like literally fleeing war-torn fucking countries, having God knows what. done to them, right? If there is a garden, he's looking down right now, and he hears all this screaming and yelling and shit about stuff that's going on, and he finds, what's this, what's this poor soul screaming about, right? After he looks at the horror as a war, and he's going to just see some bald, 50-year-old fucking moron doing a podcast by himself, yelling about a microphone court. He's just going to look down, and it is a he, by the way, all right? Fuck all this feminist shit. Well, now they're turning everything around, you know? Fuck this. You know, there's got to be, something has to still be a guy, right? Why not God?

Oh, why do I love being an asshole? I just, I enjoy it. I'm sorry. I do. All right. He's going to be looking down and be like, who, who is that? I made that. All right. Do me favor. When he passes, yeah, give him the, uh, tell him to take the down escalator. Um, I don't know where I'm going to go when I die. Can you ever think about that shit? I watched that Mr. Rogers. Won't you be my neighbor? Did you fucking see that?

You guys watched that thing? Whatever you call it there? Documentary. I have never felt like such a piece of shit in my life after watching that. He's definitely fucking weird though, man. He's so fucking weird. You know, says the guy by himself losing his shit, talking into a microphone.

I have the nerve to say that this guy's, weird. But I, I, you're fucking out of there. Take it easy. End of the inning. Gun down. Sorry. Anyways, I, uh, I watched that documentary and Fred Rogers, um, like I said, if this, if, if there is a God and Christians are right and God and his son without having sex with a virgin, um, Jesus, I mean, I just, how do you even say it out loud and still believe it? I mean, it's just clearly written by guys who don't want sloppy seconds, you know? So then they got to have to have like that, like, she's a virgin. No one ever banged her before.

So she doesn't know what good sex is. She doesn't know what a big dick is. Now I could feel comfortable to mount this person. I mean, is that, is that, was that the underlying theme of all of that? Huh? Now, hey, look at that. That's sort of a feminist look at it, isn't it? I don't know what it is, Bill.

I'll tell you right now. I don't like it. Sorry. My apologies to everybody south of fucking Washington, D.C. Mason Dixon, lime there. Do you guys know the first, you know, the Gettysburg address? Yeah, I had no fucking idea where that was in the first fucking battle of the Civil War. I thought it was like, you know, somewhere in the SEC.

They were in Big Ten countries. they were in fucking Pennsylvania. I had no idea. We never would get that far. We know we'd start with those fucking three ships. The Nina, the Pinta and the Santa Maria, they came over after Columbus, right? Columbus came over to like, I don't know, like Cuba or the Bahamas, Haiti. He was down around there, right?

And then the Nina, the Pinta and the San Diego. Santa Maria. They all came over together, right? Sort of the first carnival cruise. It's kind of like that without, you know, a workout room and scurvy and shit like that, right? Big belt buckles. They must have incredible neck muscles back then, huh? A big fucking hat with that belt on there. Looking down at your soggy fucking boots, bringing your head back up. Anyways, they were all trapeze. The coach used to come on. slide right off their fucking non-existent shoulders. So anyways, we would start with that shit, and then we would maybe get to the war of 1812. Never fucked with the Civil War. As far as where I went to school, we never fucked with it. It was just our country fighting each other.

Why would that be of interest to anybody? You know? Maybe that was just northerners being cool, you know, not talking shit after winning. Ah, we don't need to teach them that. We won, right? A bit down south they were always talking about it. probably saying that we cheated, you know, like people who hate the Patriots.

Say we underinflated our fucking cannonballs or whatever the fuck they're going to say, you know? Anyways, let me, uh, somebody just sent me a text. Did Aaron Rogers get hurt? Please tell me. I fucking hate when that happens. Roger is done. He grabbed that knee so fast. It's bad. Oh, no. Oh, Jesus Christ. I fucking hate You know, there's just, there's nothing worse than that. You know what I mean?

And I'm going to tell you something, if you're a Vikings fan or a Bears fan and you're psyched that that happened, you're a fucking asshole. You know, I never rooted for Derek Jeter to get hurt or anything of that shit. You want to, you want to play him when the, when you want to beat him with their best.

Um, wow. Does that change the NFC? My buddy who actually knows something about football was, was picking them to, go to the Super Bowl. Wow. You know what that reminds me? Remember that year when the Jets were favored? It was like the first game of the season, Testa Verdi, you know, blew out as Achilles. And who cried? It wasn't Terrell Owens. It was the guy from USC. Oh, Jesus Christ. Just give me the damn ball. When did the wide receiver position become

the diva position? It used to always be the quarterback. He was the guy always walking around with the big inflated fucking ego. And somewhere in the last like 15, 20 years, like all the emotional meltdowns come from the guys who like catch the balls. You know, that's my quarterback. Just give me the damn ball. Oh, Jesus Christ. Anyways, so I worked up in Thunder Valley. Thunder Valley. Fucking California. you. The farthest north I have been in Sacramento. All right. I was, I landed in Sacramento. It was a 30-minute drive. And this guy, fortunately, he took like the back roads, which was really cool. So he went by all these farms.

And I actually, for the first time, saw an almond tree. I thought nuts came from the ground. You know? Because I always, you know, I always go to baseball. I go over a baseball game, they give you the ones that they feed to the elephants. Those are like the fucking, you know, the Budweiser of peanuts. Almonds are sort of like the blue moon, you know, a little more fucking crafty beer kind of snobby, right? But those elephant ones, they always seem like they're dirty. Take me out to the ball game.

I didn't know that nuts came on trees. I'm probably making an ass of myself right now. Either they all do or that's the one that does or whatever. But I know there's a lot of you right now just racing to look up this information so then you can tell me how dumb I am. Or maybe you fucking know that. You don't know how to grow one. You don't know when to pick it. You just know where it comes from, right?

So now all of a sudden I'm the biggest asshole ever. Is that what happened? No, Bill, you're the biggest asshole ever because you just had a meltdown about a fucking wire. Fair enough. Fair enough. Jesus Christ, the Buccaneers and Saints. 48 to 40. I got to tell you, before it's all said and done,

Drew Breeze is going to throw for more fucking everything than anybody unless Tom Brady keeps playing. Because I don't think Drew Breeze is doing that Drew versus Time. Tom Brady versus Time like that shit. Like today, they were actually, they said he was the oldest quarterback to throw a touchdown in the first game of the year. other than George Blanda,

who's the gordy fucking how of football as far as how long he played, and Warren Moon, who I didn't know he played that late. I know he spent most, at least half his career up in the CFL. Maybe that's why he didn't seem like he was that old, because by the time he came in the league, he was already like eight years in the CFL.

Anyways, why do I have the fucking TV on. Why do I give a shit? Should I hit pause? Let me hit pause. You know, at the end of the day, I have a job here to do. And it's to, God damn it, it's to make you people laugh. Well, you know what? It's a new TV and I don't know how to do it. Is this do it? Oh my God, it did it. I hit the pause button and it paused. Fuck that. Fuck that. I'm hitting play. I still have that thing. You remember old days when you paused your flat screen and then it just burned in there, whatever the fuck you were looking at. Um, all right. Let me look the other way. Okay. So I watched, uh, I watched, uh,

won't you be my neighbor? And then I also watched Chapiquitic. You got to check both those movies out were incredible. And any, let me stay on track here. So we took the backroads up to this casino up there,

Thunder Bay. Not Thunder Bay, sorry, Thunder Valley. And, you know, every once in a while, I'll actually watch the news. And whenever I watch the news, It always puts me into a panic and makes me feel like I should live in the middle of nowhere next to a lake with a bunch of guns. You know?

And I know there's a lot of people in the cities probably think that stuff. Okay. Well, here's the deal. The only way to live in the middle of nowhere is if you grew up in the middle of nowhere. Because then you know how to live out there, right? You came from a family that taught you how to hunt and all of that shit. You know what I mean? too fucking old for that.

I got to go the snake pliskin route and try to stay in a fucking city. You know? I think I'm going to join the people that live underground in the sewers because it's going to be so fucking hot. You know the redheads. All us redheads, we're going to end up underground and we're going to be coming up like a bunch of filthy Malachi's. So you guys better sharpen your fucking so.

or whatever the hell you're going to have once you run out of bullets. That's going to be the thing. When you run out of fucking bullets, then it'll be swords and just clubs. And it's going to become fucking braveheart. You know? But not if we were all like Fred Rogers.

He'd be just sitting there in the middle of it. It's such a good feeling to know you're alive. And when you crawl up out of that manhole, I would appreciate it if you What the fuck just happened? He got all of that. How did it go from two? He had a three-run fucking Homer.

I don't even know who did it. I missed it. Very nice. That's right, Houston. How does it feel to be owned? Cheating people do that shit. The big story here is that the Houston Astros are going to take two out of three.

which this is a series. Now, this is one of these wants that I pay attention to, because we're going to run into these some bitches come October. So I want to see how we match up. Now, granted, Chris Sale's not in there. I don't know if price pitched. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. So anyways, we get up there to Thunder Valley,

and it is literally a fucking casino just surrounded by farmland. And the gig, it's this giant stage just like out in the parking lot. And nobody's covered. right? If there was any sort of rain. I was joking. Like, everybody would just fucking leave, and I would be contractually obligated to do an hour in front of a bunch of plastic wet folding chairs. But I got to tell you, it was one of my favorite gigs I've had in a long time. It was amazing. The sky was beautiful.

The only thing that was weird was, like, when motorcycles would go by, I had to, like, stop doing my act. Like, I was literally getting, like, heckled by those things. I was joking about how those people up there, they probably would be. you don't wear helmets. You know what I mean? Anytime you have a problem, you just drive off into a bunch of snow peas.

Those things are probably nice and soft, slow you down. And then after that, I woke up the next morning at like something ridiculous. I want to say it was 4 a.m.

4 a.m. and then I had to get on a 6 a.m. flight, something like that. I can't even fucking remember. fly to Salt Lake City and from Salt Lake City go to Toronto for TIF, the Toronto International Film Festival. Because old Freckles is in a movie called The Front Runner, directed by Jason Reitman, starring Hugh Jackman. And I just, I saw it for the first time.

Well, anyways, let me tell you the whole fucking story. So one of my favorite things I've seen in an airport. I'm standing in line, right? Trying to find something healthy, which you can't really do. And this guy in front of me, he orders two bagels. And he goes, can you put butter on it? Can you put, I just want two bagels with butter on it. And he's like, already on his tiptoes, like over the counter.

And he's tall enough to see over the counter. So it's like, what? He's one of these fucking guys, like, when you prepare his food, he has all these fucking instructions. And he's on his tiptoes watching you do it. And immediately, I'm just like, God, bless the fucking woman or man romantically linked to this fucking lunatic. Right?

So he's on his tiptoes. Say, Yankees lose! He's on his fucking tiptoes. Watching this lady, she sticks it in the little fucking conveyor belt piece of shit toaster. And it comes out, she's putting it together.

He's going, can you put the butter on it? Ma'am, could you just put the butter on it? She goes, what? She goes, can, can you put the butter on it? She goes, yeah, she goes, the butter's over. over there. He goes, no, I was just hoping that you could put butter on it while it's still hot, so to like melt. Can you do that? Can you just put butter on it while it's still hot and then close it up? Can you do that for me? She just looks at him and goes, no. Just handed

him the bag. Now, I know I've always made fun of the law. I hate those fucking places where all of a sudden you got to finish making the sandwich like you work there for free. But just the way she just told the guy no. And he was already annoying me the way he was. He was up on his fucking tiptoes. Like, what the fuck? You didn't order like, like, uh, I'm trying to think of something fancy. You ordered a fucking bagel. She's going to toast the thing.

She's going to stick it in a bag. You're going to pay for it. And then you're going to go over to the condiments. And try to find something that wasn't sneezed on. You know how it's going down. So I laughed and she looked at me and gave me like half a smile. She's like, what are you want? I'm just like, uh, I'll take one of those ham and cheese sandwiches.

You know, you know what? do anything to it. Oh, that was great watching that guy get shut down. I don't know why. It's like, you ever see a little spoiled fucking brat kid crying, you know, because he wants something? Is there anything better watching a parent not cave? And then the kid doesn't get it?

I live for that moment. I hate when the kid cries and cries and cries, and then the parents end up just giving it to him. I always makes me just want to, like, trip him. Isn't that stupid? I don't, obviously. I'm just saying, you know, something I do think about. I'm not proud of it.

We all have our flaws. Occasionally, yes, I see, you know, I see a kid get something after crying and makes me want to trip him. It's stupid because the kid doesn't have the emotional maturity to express himself, right? I wonder how Fred Rogers would have handled that if he didn't want him to have it. Why are you crying? Well, you can't have... Oh, my God, what a fucking moron.

This, this, God bless her. There's a woman there. She's wearing a Houston Astros fan. She's wearing like one of those, you know, they'd make the number one's finger out of... She's got a giant orange Astros hat, like to the point you're blocking people's view behind you. Those are the things.

It's because of hats like that and people like that that wear them at games. That's one of the reasons why, like, things like flame throwers, are not legal to the general public. Because that's the kind of thing when you sit there for nine fucking innings. All right? And that self-centered cunt won't take the fucking thing off. That's one of the things.

If you had like a handheld... I'm not saying you'd burn her, but you'd like the hat on fire. And God knows what that's made out of. And it might, you know, touch somebody else's fucking hat. And then they're on fire. And you're like, but no, no, no. I just wanted to set her on.

on fire. I'm sorry, sir. My bad. My bad. Would you like me to drive you to the burn unit? No, most of your ear is still attached. Anyway, so then I flew up to Canada and I checked like nine million times that I had my passport because that's one of the things. I always, you know, the first half of my career, you could just go to Canada like you were going to your friend's house. You didn't need a passport. You know, and then after 9-11, don't even say 9-11. Don't even say 9-11. That horrific event Ever since then You gotta have your fucking

Passport to go everywhere So I checked like fucking 9 hundred times Make sure I have my passport And I went through the customs and everything And I think I got there at like 4 o'clock

And then like the pickup was like at 515 So by the time I got through customs And all of that shit Ordered room service and everything Like I barely had time to iron my stupid shirt. And then I went over there and I did the whole, you know, the whole red carpet. Got asked great questions. Nobody tried to corner me, you know. There was a couple of, how would you relate this movie to what's going on today in the current political climate?

You know, it was fine. There was no, hey, what do you think about this guy going back on stage? I already knew what I was going to say. Well, what do you think about it? That's all I ever do. If you ask me one of those end your career questions, I just throw it right back at you. What do you think about it? No, I'm asking you. Well, I didn't ask the question.

You're the one who has the question. You're the one thinking about it. What do you think about it? I want to hear, you put a quote on it. What do you think about it there? Their fucking Jimmy Olson? So then I went into this beautiful theater and sat down and watched the movie.

And I got to tell you, man, it's pretty fucking incredible. Jason Reitman killed it. It's called The Front Runner. And I would not be, I don't want to jinx any. I'm not going to jinx nothing. But I would not be surprised.

I'm going to really go low here. If it performs very well. That's as much shit as I'm going to talk. But it's a phenomenal phenomenal movie and the way the whole thing was cut together, the way they told the story. And it's really, really fascinating. It's about the Gary Hart story, which for you youngsters out there, he was a guy running for president in 1988. And yes, he was the front runner.

Great looking guy. Guys liked them. Ladies loved him. Full head of hair. You know, that's the kind of shit that gets you elected, right? play the saxophone on Arsenio Hall. Two terms. Not one.

Two terms. Ah, shit. Did they just hit a fucking home run? God, that was a monster shot. Five to two. The Astros. No quitting them. You know why?

Because they're champions. Oh, man, that's that fucking guy. What is his name? That's the guy last year in the World Series. That was incredible. You know the dude that I, I like, was Altuve, right? That guy.

That guy's worth every dime you pay him. You know what else I like? I like that guy in the infield for the Texas Rangers. Total winner. The guy who punched that dude in the face. Incredible ball player. Man, that's going to be a shame watching the Red Sox of Yankees buy him away from the Rangers. Although back in the day, the Rangers spent all that money on A-Rod, right?

$220 million. So they got money? That's Texas, man. you're sitting on all that fucking oil. Why don't you take some of that money? Put it on your team. Anyway, so I got there. Thank God, I got there on time.

I got the C movie. It was phenomenal. Everybody in it is so fucking good. I'm not going to lie to you. I had my head down. Whenever I hear my voice, put my head down. But, you know, I watched, I actually watched most of my scenes.

And I wasn't cringing too badly. So I think I did all right in it. But I want to thank everybody for everyone I worked with and given me the opportunity to be in it. But I think it's going to be a great one. So guys, could you do me a favor? I know you're all streaming shit. I know you got your fucking virtual reality glasses

with your laser disc players, whatever the fuck your kids are doing nowadays. Could you just go old school? Just go to the movies when it comes out. Just go see this thing. all right do it for me do it for me

so one day I can afford to buy speaker wires that actually are microphone wires that actually work okay it's for a cost this is a startup

I think it comes out November um go see it you will not be disappointed there that's it all right plowing ahead oh look at Arod

Arod's in the fucking box deck there's another guy another guy Tony Romo and Alex Rodriguez I say the two best former athletes turned broadcasters in a long goddamn time. It's unreal how when A-Rod was a player and the New York media would be asking him all those questions, he'd get like tongue-tied.

You get him in the booth. And he's just effortless. Fucking effortless. All right. Speaking of effortless, not effortless, I should say. I've got to do some reads here for the week. I forgot to turn the goddamn light on. The sun went down.

It's such a good feeling to know you can read. Ah, Jesus. So anyways, and then this morning I had a 6 a.m. 6 a.m. flight, but was awesome. There was nobody in Toronto. I've gotten some of the worst traffic other than L.A. and Chicago and some of those other fucking places. Toronto is just brutal traffic. And I woke up this morning and there was nothing.

Nobody out there on a Sunday morning. and went right through customs. Thing of beauty. And then I went to go buy some fucking Cuban cigars there, and their prices were out fucking rages. Dude, I was looking at a box of them. They won like $560 bucks. It's like, dude, I can get these things.

I know people in L.A. got these things. Not paying all that money. So I ended up buying these little ones, about like five. I mean, what the hell you call? Oh shit. Now they're fucking hitting us. Now they're hitting us. How many outs here? It's the top of the six. In a game you guys already know the results of, it's five to two. This has never been good other than the fact that one time when that guy ran the ball back to win the game.

That was the only time this was a good move to have the fucking game on. All right, let me read some of the, all right, let me read some of the advertising here. Do you know what I really miss? football cards. That's how I knew who everybody was in the league. I fucking missed those things. And what happens was all those fucking baseball cards from the 1950s, all the Mickey Mantle rookie cards and all that shit blew up and were with all that

money. So by the time I became an adult, so many adults were collecting cards. Kids didn't give a shit about it. And then I try collecting football cards again. And they would like deliberately make some of them rare. You couldn't just go out and go buy a whole set because that's what people were doing and then they weren't fucking worth anything. Let me see. Tops. Let me see they still have these things. Football

card, 2018. 2018. What do you got here, buddy? Will my internet work? You know what? I don't even care if it does it. It does or it doesn't. I'm not going to flip out about it. How about that? Just relax, Bill. Just count to 10 slowly. You know what? I got a master. I got a master going for a walk. the other day I got it into with my wife, right? And I started to walk away, but I didn't leave. You know?

All right. Shop, tops, football cards. 2018 football cards release dates. All right, let's see what they got here. It's such a good feeling. I used to just sit there and like, I wouldn't study in school, and I would just look at football cards, and I would look at the picture, and I would just read them over and over and over again.

I didn't realize it was like flashcards. And by the end of it, I knew everybody in the league. I knew where they went to cook. Because I would watch it every year. I get the cards every year. And there was all these guys that I already knew shit about. And there was only so many new rookies. And I remember, I used to blow my dad's mind.

And he went to college. It would be Kent State. Louis Keltcher, has a size 16 quadruple east cleat. He's like, Jesus Christ, how do you know all of this stuff, Bill? Well, Dad, because I'm not studying. All that effort that I should have put in to my studies. So I could have gone to a big-time college, you know, and joined a frat, walked around, you know. Maybe joined the Glee Club or whatever, had an acapella group, you know.

Met some women. Get Me Too fucking years later. I just missed out on it. When the fuck is this thing going to load? All right. You know, I'm just going to start reading some questions. Maybe at some point. I don't, I know for life for me, I don't know how much money I have to pay these internet guys to get something that works.

You know, I started to talk about this where a buddy of mine had, you know, he solved his internet problem. But they got these things called like mesh or something like that where it ties the internet signal from one part of your house to another. And that just seems like you are in the TSA line for fucking brain cancer. Like it's bad enough. We got all these. It can't be good. I don't know what it is, but there's something going on. We've all done it.

We've all talked on a cell phone long enough that like the side of your fucking, one side of your head starts feeling weird. You know what I mean? I used to do a bit about that. So then you talk with your cell phone, the other side of your head sort of sear it like a fucking tuna steak. It's just your brain. All right.

Eastern Europe. European tour. Hello, Bill. I am writing from Croatia. I like to ask you if you are still coming to this part of the world. My part of the world, not yours. Just kidding. Yes, I am. We're just working it out because the dates came in and I was going to be gone for too long. I have a kid. So I'm trying to break it up into two different tours. Do a week to 10 days and then come back a few months later and do another week to 10 days. 10 days. That's what I'm trying to do. Okay. I promise you. it is going to happen. All right. Outdoor venues. I did one this weekend, so I am ready. I'm ready for this question. Dear Billy Operation North Woods, look it up. All right.

My internet worked, sir. I would love to look it up. It's still loading. All right. Thanks for the killer show in the casino parking lot. Oh, thank you for showing up. Anyways, he said, I've heard you mention a guy named Lawhead before, but I never knew shit about him.

fucking hilarious guy. Yeah, Jay Lawhead. Jay Lawhead. Come on, man. That guy fucking kills it on the grill, too. Follow him on Instagram. You see that guy when that guy starts cooking. It's fucking crazy. It's like a cooking show. How come he's not on Netflix or Seesaw? I think it's Seesaw or whatever the fuck you guys do.

Anyways, wondering if the parking lot is up there in the weirdest outdoor venues you've played at. All right. Why isn't Jay on Netflix? well, or C-So went out of business. What else is there? Hulu, Amazon, and all that. Well, eventually it happens for everybody. Everybody, you know, takes people different amount of time, you know. Look, I started in 1992, and it took me until either 2005 or 2006 to get on Letterman.

And I went through a couple of bookers, a couple that was just like, yeah, I don't like you. You got a weird, you got a weird look. is one that I got. Well, I don't think that was from the letterman people, but, um, yeah,

you know, it was hilarious. I remember years later, seeing this other generations of comedians and they were like bitching about the book booking process. And they were like seven years in. It's just like,

well, hey, fucking buckle up, buddy. It's going to take you another, uh, you know, I don't know,

but that's not how it works. It's not how it works nowadays because now there's social media because now you fucking complain and then everybody's afraid of to get in trouble. And nobody, nobody just goes like, hey, you know what?

Fuck you. Oh, shit. Two-run score. Two-run score. Oh, my God. These fucking Houston Astros are relentless. Look at them.

They're all up there. Top of the dug. This is impressive. This is what we've been doing the teams all year. And now they're coming in, giving us the old right there, Fred. I already know what they're saying with the sound down. That ball got up there in the zone. I mean, that thing, you want that much lower.

This is like, that's right in his wheelhouse. And he jumped all over. His eyes. they opened up like a kid on Christmas. Ah, fuck me. Anyways. I love that you guys know the result of this Houston fans. So I was talking all that shit.

Like, we're going to whip y'all fucking city's ass today. If there is a sports god, just because that woman is wearing that giant stupid fucking hat in a visitor's stadium. You know, I mean, just how many times can you just ask to get your fucking ass kicked before it happens. Anyways, yeah, so people like, yeah, then started whining about, I don't know, how long it takes or whatever. And then I guess it's shortened up.

It's so fucking stupid. Show business is hard. Boo-hoo. It's particularly hard for me. It's like, what are you seeing out there? Like, here's a deal. It might be more difficult for you, but nobody has it easy. fucking sitting there acting like

God damn fucking Spielberg sends me a fucking sandwich every day which would be nice if he's listening every once in a while All right, outdoor venues Yes Where's the weirdest venues that I've played?

Outdoor venues that I played it I used to open up for Winona Judd way back in the day And we We did a lot of outdoor venues. You know, when you're selling that level of tickets, she basically was selling so many tickets that they didn't have an indoor venue big enough. So you have to go outside at some point. So I opened it up for her at the, I believe it's the Delmar Racetrack. I thought I told this

story. So I go down there and it's one of these deals where they're like, hey, you know, work clean. This is a country crowd. These people, they don't like cursive. which, you know, you have to respect. It's not my crowd. I'm opening for this person. This is what they've created, you know? For all you young comics out there, to then go up there and curse anyways is,

that's not a Lenny Bruce moment. You're acting like a jerk off because they probably told you before they even got the gig. You got to work clean. So if you're not going to work clean, don't take the gig. But don't say you're going to work. clean and then go up there and start talking about your nuts.

Or more accurately these days, you're fucking twat. Because female comics are the fucking dick joke comics of today. Some of the fucking filth that I mean, some of the bits, it's just like, I remember this bit, except there were dick and balls and I was standing in a bar trying to figure out how the fuck am I going to follow this shit? Anyway, so I had to work clean. It was during the day, which actually didn't bug me because I was psyched because I was making money. I always loved, like those gigs, like a lot of times, the nooners and shit sucked.

But what was awesome was when it was over, you had your check and you already made money and you could maybe double up and do another gig. Or you were like done at like a normal hour. So, well, that never happened. You know, you always went out and did more fucking time. What are we going to do? Sit at home. Be alone with your thoughts. So I went down there.

And Wynonna was always like really nice to me. And I went down to open up. So now I got to work clean. It's outside. I'm in the sun. I'm a redhead. I still had my hair back then. So I didn't need a hat.

And I'm up there and I'm doing my shit. And all of a sudden this lady in the. in the crowd who I'm going to go out on a limb and say was a lesbian. You know, she had that haircut, the whole fucking thing. I know you're not supposed to do it. Well, at least you're not supposed to do that with lesbians, you know. You can do that with other groups of people, you know. Don't be a Brad.

Don't be a Chad. You can fucking do that. But if you go the other way, all of a sudden, you're an asshole. But yeah, I mean, if I had to put my life savings on it, and the same people that were criticizing me, if it was a love. life or death situation. If you had to put money on it, you would say this was a lesbian, right? Why is it pertinent to the story? Because I'm painting a picture. All right. And all you liberal cunts out there acting like you don't have a fucking idea in your head when I say that, that she was a lesbian,

you have no fucking idea what I'm saying? What if I said it was a frat boy? You got that, boom, you got that picture in your head, right? Anyway, so she's sitting there and I'm on stage and she's just the whole, like, I maybe get three minutes into my act. We're fucking outside. It's brutal. And she's just standing. She starts going, why no no? Why no?

And she's trying to get the rest of the crowd to do it with her, which they're not, thankfully. But she's fucking relentless. And I don't know if I did a joke that she didn't like or maybe it was that I had a dick. I have no fucking idea. Or maybe I was just unpasty. Maybe she thought I was weird looking. Maybe she was just a cunt. I have no idea, but she's doing that.

And I'm sitting there. And I want to go off on her. But I got to work clean. So I actually just stalked and I gathered myself. And I said, hey, lady, I was like, what is the problem? Why are you chanting? Why, no, why not? She's going to come out here at 8.30.

No matter what. She's coming out at 8.30. Okay? Do you think I thought all you guys came out here to see me? I know why I'm here. I'm dancing monkey boy, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I got the crowd on my side, and then I made fun of her haircut.

I had to. I had to do it because I had to make sure I got all the Trump supporters on my side. I was flailing. And then I got him, and I started to have it getting laughing. And that lady was pissed and she was still chant Wynonna, but now is drowning her out with laughs. And I was winning. A redhead in the sun with his pasty freckled back up against a non-existent wall was turning it around. And then out of nowhere, the crowd went from laughing out of nowhere.

They just went, all at the same time. And I couldn't figure what the fuck happened. I thought my fly came down. I had no idea. And I turned around. And behind me was a way. off in the distance was a carnival, and there's some ride where they just shoot you up in the fucking air like Superman. So I'm standing there fucking finally getting the crowd, and right

as they're starting to pay attention to me, in the way in the background, some guy got shot up in the fucking air on this ride. And then I kind of made fun of that. Oh, not another hit. Oh, another hit. Another run scores. And we got ourselves a tie game. Five to five. Just like that. Coach is coming out to the mound. Jesus Christ. Wow. And we're deep into our fucking bullpen already. This is not looking good, guys.

Anyways. So, yeah, that was a weird one. I've done, also, I've done college gigs in a, sort of that area. You know, the walk-of-shame area between dorms. I've done that. And there was also like sort of a, carnival thing set up. There was always a fucking, it was always rides, some sort of popcorn machine.

I remember a long time ago, this one was actually inside. It was me, Patrice O'Neill, Robert Kelly, Dane Cook, and Al Del Benny. We're all doing this gig. It was some sort of Jewish thing. I don't remember what. It was a fun. function hall and the crowd was was predominantly Jewish. I don't know. It couldn't have been fucking, they don't go to church. What do they go to? Temple. I couldn't have been related to that. They wouldn't have hired us. I don't know what it was. But all I know is we were up there and none of us were in the business long enough to recognize. Like we were going, why is this microphone so small? Like you could hold it with just your two fingers.

I remember Al went up there first going, this is the smallest microphone I've ever seen. Then he put it in his mouth and started humming or whatever. And people laughed. And I was like, oh my God, I got to hold that thing now. I got to go up after him. Right. So we did the whole, we did the whole fucking show. I remember when Patrice got up there. He was holding it with his big fucking fat fingers just holding this little thing. And his three things like he was holding a teacup. And it wasn't until years later when I did my first TV gig that I realized it was a lapel mic. And none of us knew to just clip it on your shirt and then just walk around like you're doing the one-man show, you know, with both hands.

So we would, like, finish our act. And there was a mic stand and we would, like, drape it over. And then the next guy would come up and just pick it up with his index finger and his thumb. Yeah, I don't know. I'm going to be honest with you. All of those hell gigs, they all just kind of fade away after a while. I can't, I don't remember. I just know I've had a bunch of shit thrown at me.

I think I just, after a while, you just, you don't want to remember them. Yeah, I don't know. I've done some, I've definitely done some weird. I know I've done, I did one outside. I'm on the fucking west side highway. And there was like boats and shit. And all these fucking flies and stuff.

Yeah, these are all starting to come back. I know it was hot as shit too. And I was up there and I had like a long sleeve button down because I just worked like a comedy club. So they had like the air conditioning cranking. Then I went over and did that gig, and I was like sweating my ass off. Yeah, I've done a lot of those. That's kind of par for the course.

It happens. That was a fun one, though. I opened for Wynonna outside in a parking lot. Parking lot, racetrack, the occasional theater. I opened up for in a parking lot in Laughlin, Nevada. Jesus, dude, why are you bringing back all of these memories? All right. A smoothie. Dear Bill, years and years back, you said, Kevin James told you the benefits of having liquid first in the morning to get your engine going.

Kevin James? I don't know if you get the name right. I've only met him like once. A smoothie, water, et cetera. Then a few years ago, you basically said fuck that because you thought it was too much. It might have read it was bad for you. Now you're doing smoothies. Do you think it'll stick this time? No pun intended. Go blend yourself. Well, I didn't know how to make one healthy back then. You know what I mean? There's a lot of them. It's just like you do all this stuff and there's a bunch of sugar and shit that you're putting in there.

Now that I've been using like unsweetened almond milk. Almond milk, I used to hate it. Now I'm kind of used to it. I got a good one for you. One cup of almond milk. I'm miming, putting this shit in. Then it's like a teaspoon of cinnamon, a frozen banana, two tablespoons of almond peanut butter, a tablespoon of maca powder, and some ice, a little bit of ice.

You blend that fuck it together. It's delicious. It tastes like a goddamn chocolate shake, and you drink it, and you have energy for hours. I got to be honest with you. If I actually knew enough about nutrition and all I could do, if all I could do is just that and just do a liquid diet, I would love to do that. I would absolutely love to do that. There's another one I have that's like kale. It says apple juice.

That's the only thing I don't like. It's apple juice. And just apple juice has a bunch of sugar in it. So I went to like this, it's fucking hilarious. It's this health food store. But like they don't like gays. That's just the funniest fucking thing ever. It's like, how do those things go together?

It's usually like, hey, man, here's some vitamins. And everybody's like, everybody, man. Who the fuck would have, whoever saw that coming? So, yeah, I would love to do that. Like, dude, if you saw some of the shit that I'm fucking eating, dude, look at this fucking, I miss Boston. Just saw a guy, he had a red socks, like knitted cap on with the tombs. Brady jersey and a glove sitting right along the third baseline.

Fucking hilarious. I would love to do that. I like vegetarian and vegan meals, but I also still like steak. But I know if I combine like all of that shit, I can still eat a little bit like John Wayne and not have a problem. All right. You disrespected Miles Davis, you cunt. All right.

What is this? Hey, Bill. In season two, episode four of F is for Family, there is a an alban cover parading the Miles Davis kind of blue in the background of one scene. In the corner of the cover, there appears to be a label of blue note records, in this case, black note records. These two instances of factual are factually incorrect. Dude, how much do you fucking jazz guys?

You know, back in the fucking day, I used to host this show called the Jazz Oasis on, on, uh, uh, what the fuck was it? 88.9, W-E-R-S at Emerson College. And I used to, I didn't know fucking anything about jazz. And I'd ask you fucking assholes to call in requests. And none of you motherfuckers would call in. All you would do is wait for me to play a record. And then all you fucking cunts would get on the phone and call me up and be like,

fuck you're playing that for, man. That ain't jazz. The fuck is it. That ain't jazz. all you fucking guys can go fuck yourselves go sit on your fucking horn all right first of all did you enjoy the show did you enjoy the episode listen to this ass those are factually incorrect kind of blue was released on columbia records nobody likes labels record labels more than these fucking jazz people and miles davis at the time had not recorded for blue note

uh in a number of years you might want to get your facts straight You believe this shit if you want to reference the greatest jazz record of all time. It may behoove you to respect possibly the greatest musician of the 20th century by simply getting some simple factual information correct on your show, you dumb cunt. Tony Williams is probably ashamed of you. Let's be honest. All right, sir, I'm going to walk you back through all your bullshit. Okay, first of all, reason why it didn't say blue note or Columbia Records is because we would have had to,

we would have had to get permission to do that. That's also the reason why the song kind of sounded like kind of blue, but wasn't. Because we don't have the fucking budget to use that music. All right? That's why. That's why it looked like that. Okay. And then secondly, Tony Williams didn't play on that record, you dumb fuck. And for the record, I thought it was Philly Joe Jones. I looked it up. It was like some guy Jimmy Cobb or something. I hope I got his fucking name wrong just so you can blow another gasket.

Fuck all you jazz guys. You're stupid cunt. You're not making an animated show. You have no fucking idea how much money music costs. That's why we did that, okay? We weren't disrespecting Miles Davis. Okay, so why don't you take all your words like behoo, stick them in your clarinet and shove it up your ass.

you pretentious fucking cunt. Oh, did that feel good. He didn't even get the right drummer. After giving me shit, he didn't even get the right fucking drummer. Tony Williams was part of his second great quintet. I do know that. But I don't know shit about jazz. But I do know that the reason why we did that was because it would have,

Columbia Records and Blue Note probably wouldn't have given his permission. And if they did, it would have cost us more money than it cost to fucking make the whole season. And we would have been screwed. That's why, sir. Okay, so we didn't disrespect them. We tipped our fucking cap to him. By the way, do you play any instrument? Are you in a band?

All right, anger issues. This could not come at a better time. Anger issues. I'm going to have anger issues if we don't get out of this fucking inning. Oh, we did. He finally got out of the inning. Dear Bill Red Top, Dear Bill Red Top, okay. I had anger issues when I was younger.

Oh, my God. Is this going to be a wrong? rail light. I had a good family, but I grew up in a neighborhood that exposed me to shit I shouldn't have seen. As a defense, I started reacting to everything with anger and it carried on into my adult life. Did I write this in a drunken state? And I forgot because this sounds like me. I've read lots of books and even wrote a few unpublished ones on the topic myself. See, you actually worked on it. I commend you for that. I just like try for a few. days and then I just go back to what I know. Anyways, it kept me from being the happiest I could be.

It didn't ruin my life, but it's kept me from enjoying things. I had a bad habit of looking at people who are happy and finding reasons not to like them. Oh, I don't do that. I think I did that in my 20s, but I'm not like that. Even people I was close to, which may sound strange. No, I did that a long time ago and then I've also had that done to me. I remember when I bought my old truck, 68F100 shortbed. This guy was like, where'd you get a truck, huh? You're going to put stuff back there? Just like annoyed because everybody was looking at my truck going,

dude, that thing is so fucking badass. Nobody has that out here. This thing's the shit, you know? Anyways, I've been catching up on your podcast over the last year, and I've heard you go from being much very, angry to still being pretty angry, but certainly less angry than before. I'm glad you've made strides, well, not on this podcast, because I can tell you the most important thing I gained from reprogramming my immediate reaction to everything from anger to observance is time. I'm not smart enough to

only read that sentence once. I've got to do this again. I can tell you the most important thing I gain from reprogramming my immediate reaction to everything from anger to observance is time. What does that mean? You got time back or something? Or you're enjoying your life more? Because you don't have to spend so much of it apologizing for what you did an hour ago. Anyways, it's sneaky, though. Being angry can waste a whole day and you can do things while still being agitated, but you don't feel like you're completely unaccomplished. Yeah, I don't stay angry for a whole day. I just do it like in spurts and it goes all the way up to the top

then it comes back down the way because what the hell's wrong with you? You're right, sorry. You know, I'm just trying to... That's fucking dang my work. You still ran your errands who did your jobs and fed your kid, etc. But you're probably ignoring things you could be doing

to advance yourself. You're likely not appreciating those... Who are we talking about here? Is this me? Am I getting a stern talking to? Or are you just a hypothetical? you, but you're probably ignoring things you could be doing to advance yourself. You're likely not appreciating those around you who make your life good because you're focused on people who make

your life terrible or projecting things on people that aren't there. I don't do any of that with anybody in my life. I do that with the people that are in power. I do that a lot. You know, like I was all ready to fucking talk about everybody at Best Buy. Like this is like two podcasts and row and they've done nothing wrong. It's just been me needing to make a couple's adjustments. Anyways, my biggest regatta in all my anger years was snapping at people who were genuinely good people who didn't have that angry gene. It's like being six foot one, two 50 and kicking the hell out of a small kid. They can't defend themselves because if they do, they become the maniac you are horrible position to put someone in. Hope you cross the finish line to Zen.

Yeah, I mean, I think I'm somewhere in the middle of angry and Zen, believe it or not, as much as I flip out, like, I was, I was a lot worse. But I don't wish bad shit on people. And I don't resent anybody. I just, it's, you know what, things, things make me freak out. Anything technology related makes me flip up. But you know what's funny is if I get something old, I have all the patience in the world.

You know, like if my old truck won't start, I actually, you know, I mean, I'm not going to say I enjoy it, but I find the process of figuring out what's wrong with it enjoyable. And then learning, you know, as the truck gets fixed, what that was, why that happened, how to prevent it in the future. I tell you this, you know what, playing drums really helped me. getting back into playing drums and, you know,

meeting Nia, having a kid. Just shit that made me happy has kind of gotten me to that. But my big thing is if I could just stop snapping, that's kind of what I... You know, it's funny? These people actually think I am like an angry guy, like I walk around angry.

I don't. I just snap. I'm definitely loud and I'm definitely fucking crazy. but I don't know. I'll let you guys be... I don't classify myself as an angry guy. I sound like I'm talking about my drinking.

Like, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I don't think I'm an angry guy. And I also think that I can admit when I'm wrong. I'm a fucking mess. All right, dilemmas. Dilemma clarification. Number one. Bill, last week you read my dilemma wrong.

Oh, sorry. Geez, everybody's coming at me. You have to either score, perfectly on the SATs with up to a year of studying or in one sitting win a game of monopoly. Oh, oh, oh, in one sitting. That means bankrupting all the other players. Which one to save your life? Oh, the fucking SATs.

Absolutely. Those things are pretty hard, but fucking winning monopoly in one sitting. I mean, that's just... I'd rather, like, sit down and, like, this. this time around really pay attention in math class and find out what this math is applied to, as opposed to just being regurgitated at me, then sitting down and rolling dice like I'm in a fucking casino. You know, I mean, Jesus Christ, can you imagine, you know, your life's on the line and you're

moving a little dog or a shoe around a board? I think I would much rather leave it up to my brain. Sort of a damned if you do, damned if you don't. Come on. Get underneath that. All right. You ain't going to challenge his arm. Okay, okay. Man on second. Top of the seventh one out. Okay.

Dear Bill, dear Bill two thought, I have a dilemma for you. Would you rather have to fight an alligator in a water tank with a 12-inch blade or fight an alligator in a room with a 30-inch aluminum baseball bat? All right. haven't talked about the size of the alligator. I'm assuming it's big enough to kill me, obviously. Well, I remember a long time ago, a cop told me if you're not going to get a gun to get a bat because you want to have distance between you and the intruder. So considering the intruder is a fucking reptile pass ball, he goes to third. Fuck. I would, yeah, I'd take the baseball bat.

And the weird thing about an alligator is you got to come at them straight on. Right? Or from behind. Those fucking things, you don't want to be on the side. They bite from the side. If you're right in front of them, you're all good. That's why all those fucking morons that go up and they stick their arm in the guy's mouth.

He got her! No fucking way. Holy shit, what a fucking play that was. Dude laid down the bun, that Altuve guy came in. Who the fuck was that Zander Bogarts? Who threw that fucking ball? Who true that ball?

Oh, it wasn't who he swang, actually. Actually, it wasn't a good throw. He got him? Throw was high. He slid wide. Oh, no, they're going to reverse that, ladies and gentlemen. Oh, you motherfucker. That's going to be.

That's, he's safe. Anyways, yeah, I would, I would 30-inch aluminum bat. Wait, wait a minute, that's not that big. That's only three feet. All right, this is so weird. I would attack the top of his head from behind, but I'd start with his feet. You know, that would actually fucking kill me to do that to a living thing like that. I'd have to fucking slowly chop it down.

I'd attack the fucking thing's feet. Although I did see that one with that fuck on Rogan show. that with that alligator bit the other one's leg and just did the death roll, rip the fucking thing's leg off. And the other one wasn't going like, ah, it was just going like, that's it.

Just fucking down. And it barely bled. So, yeah, I think you just got to, uh, I mean, what I really love to do is just sort of somehow getting on its back,

rub its belly. Oh, I know what I would do. I'd take my shirt off. and I cover its eyes. I've seen those guys do that. And then I would take that fucking bat and I would just wham right down on its fucking...

You know what? I wouldn't want to kill an alligator. I am terrified of those things, but I don't live in the same world it does. But if it was me or him, I mean, that thing has to go. I've eaten alligator though. I had alligator when I was in Florida.

It was fucking gross. Just too goddamn gamey. People like, yeah, you know, it tastes like chicken. It doesn't. It doesn't. Chicken is fucking delicious. Steers are delicious.

And pigs are delicious. Those are the three fucking best tasting things. Turkeys are good. They dry out, though. You know? That's why I think, like, if you get to the upper level of, you know, if you have a smoker, if you actually know how to smoke turkey, how the fuck did I do an hour and 20 minutes?

All right, that's the podcast. I really appreciate people trying to help me with my temper because I would like, I mean, I need to learn how to stop fucking snapping. That's the big thing. You know, I'm not going to lie to you. I do ramp it up a little bit when I'm on the podcast just to entertain you guys. But that is, that was pretty legit earlier in this show. All right, that's the podcast here.

I'll check in on you on Thursday. Go fuck yourselves. And have a wonderful couple of days. Party people, I kick it just like this. I got juice like the president. I'm making rapists hesitant. Invite me to your house and I'll be chilling like a resident. Yes, because I'm that type of man,

because I make myself at home no matter where I am. I got it rolling like thunder. Making your wonder, while I'm on top with all the other rappers under. I make no errors, mistakes or blunders. It's like a wedding. Let no man put asunder. My name is young and see I like to rock right well because when I get up on the mic, I just release my spell.

It's no hocus, I just get you into focus. It's warm all over you just like a horde of locust. Smooth operator. Female persuasion. I got a spot, I fly girl, and in a week I'm on a date her. I got the kind of style for the here and now, and I can do it because I got no how. You know what I'm saying?

I got no . Bussing.