Monday Morning Podcast - Thursday Afternoon Monday Morning Podcast 11-19-20

Episode Date: November 20, 2020

Bill rambles about hallucinogens, tinnitus, and taking the extra point.

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Sorry. What's going on, everybody? How are ya? Oh, Billy Freckles. Billy Freckles went back to his bad habit. I'd gone like a good 40, 50 days without smoking a cigar. I sat down. You know what I'll do? I'll smoke a little nub. Connecticut wrap, nice and light. Oh, did I enjoy that fucker, right? I'm just like, that's cool. It's like half a cigar. A couple days later, maybe I'll smoke these Laurora gold tube thingies. A buddy of mine gave, I'll try one of those. A buddy of mine just gave me a delicious, oh, beautiful cigar. I'll have a root beer with it. Oh, tremendous. A couple more days. Maybe I'll have another one of these fucking nubs.

And then this morning I woke up like, what are you doing? Stop it. So I shut it down. I haven't shut it down totally, but you know. It's my only vice I got left. I'm going to have one maybe on Thanksgiving. Do you know what I want to do this year? I've really wanted to, I've been wanting to do this for a long time. I want to deep fry a fucking turkey while somebody from PETA watches. No, I want to deep fry a turkey. But the problem is this year with the whole COVID thing, right? And all you guys who don't have science degrees, not listening to the doctors and medical degrees and you just, you just got it all figured as the big reset, right? So now COVID's, you know, completely out of control again, you know, because fuck everybody who works in hospitals, you know, fuck them. They should go and save your ass after you went out and did exactly what they told you not to do because it's not real, right?

And all this shit you're looking at the internet. That's real. That's real. You know why? Because you need absolutely zero credibility, any credits, any job hire or anything to post something on the internet. So that's where you want to go to get your information, the internet. Anyway, I'm off my stump here. I want to deep fry a turkey, but the thing is, you know, it's just going to be me, my wife, my two lovely kids, beautiful kids. So like, what am I going to do with this whole fucking turkey? You know what I mean? So, I don't know, but every single dude, if you fucking deep fry, and I got, I watched the videos, I got the whole thing down. You do it in your driveway. You go to Costco, you get 10 years supply of fucking bacon soda in case there's a grease fire. You take the frozen bird, you put it in first, then you fill up the liquid to see how much liquid you need.

Okay, you don't fill it up to the line and then stick the bird in because the bird takes up space and then it goes over the side, hits that flame underneath, ignites, and you're on your wooden deck. And then you spray water at it and you burn down your fucking house. I don't want to do that. All right, but I heard. I heard it through the grape. I saw it on the internet. I just said everything's bullshit. A lot of stuff is bullshit on the air. I want to do that really bad, but I mean, I guess I could get a smaller bird. You guys, send me some emails on this shit. What if I just got like half a turkey? You know what I mean? Well, you want the duck meat, too. I don't know. But then you know what's going to suck is then I got that deep fucking fryer. What am I going to do with it? It's just going to sit there all year like my Christmas tree stand that I always forget to bring down to the Christmas tree guy and then you want to stand with the air.

Give me another fucking stand. I think this is like a boat. You know, like you don't my buddy always told me you don't want to own a boat. You want to have a friend that has a boat, right? And then you show up, you know, you bring some fucking beers and you know, whatever else you guys want to fucking partake in when you go out there and you just have a fucking good time with it. You know, you don't want to be the guy dealing with the fucking charges, the insurance, the barnacles on the bottom of it. Now we got to paint it. I got to get my captain's license. Do I have enough life preservers for everybody here? You don't want to be that you want to be the guy that just shows up with the 12 pack has a medical episode and they got to fly a helicopter out there with the floats and take you back in because you did too much coke and you freak the fuck out. That's the guy you want to be.

And you apologize like a week later, dude, I'm sorry, you know, I got a little crazy when I was out there. I rented Scarface the night before. I don't know. I apologize, right? And then your friend gets okay, buddy. It's okay. And he lets you come back on again, right? Bring a couple of who is next time instead of the blow over there. Anyway, so I'm very excited. The ringing in my ear from that jet engine has gone down significantly. I haven't flown. I haven't played drums. I stayed away from all of that. And I'm just kind of realizing that I have done a lot of damage to my ears over there. You just like podcasting wearing these fucking headphones. I'm not going to wear headphones anymore. I'm just going to be careful. And I looked up a bunch of stuff on tonight's and they, you know, my buddy told me allegedly they had something over in Sweden, my Sweden people. What is this patch that they stick? But you stick it behind your ear. And after like a month, it reduces it three weeks, 50%, four weeks, 90%. Is there any truth in that? It's on the internet. So I'm thinking this is just bullshit. You know, and I'm going to buy it. It's not going to work.

And then I'm going to call up Sweden and they're going to be like, well, we don't know what you're talking about. Fuck you, American, right? And then they're going to have my fucking cure tonight is money while my ears still ring, right? Somebody else told me that whatever one of the ingredients in the mushrooms that make you trip has been shown to actually help out with tonight is so my question is, is there any way to take that out of the mushrooms? Cause I don't, I don't want to, I'm not wired to trip. You know what I mean? I got too many monsters in there and I don't need to see him come into life. Okay. And I'm certainly not going to listen to all of these people that take mushrooms and start once again talking like they have a medical. It reset your brain. You're going to do, you're going to look at the universal fucking. Yeah. Maybe you were on mushrooms and that's why this all makes sense to you.

You know, just, you know what kills me about that shit is you've, if you get shit faced and say a bunch of crazy shit, you don't wake up the next day being like, yeah, man, that was my truth. Right. But for some reason, if you, if you hallucinate, then all of a sudden you understand the universe better. Now I'm obviously out of pocket here cause I've never been tripping before, but I also know that there's an astounding amount of stupid people that talk about hallucinating and they act like they're fucking deep. And you just listen to him going, you sound like the dumbest person I've ever heard in my life. You sound like a fucking moron. Then occasionally I'll meet somebody smart and they kind of say the same thing. So then it's like, well, then is there truth in that? And I'm, but I'm just talking to a dumb guy that, you know, took a trip, whatever the fuck he's supposed to say, packed his bags and left this reality for a while. I don't know. The end of the day is I got two little kids. All right. I can't just like fucking, you know, start seeing dragons and shit or whatever the fuck. As you see, I have too many responsibilities. As I've said before, the, the hallucinating ship has sailed, you know, I'm going to Dallas in a few weeks, but I have shows every night.

So like, when the fuck would I do this anyway? But I'm just wondering, is anybody, anybody else there have a little bit of tenacious that they've been trying, you know, avocado toast? What works? Do I rub the avocado behind my ears? But what I like though now is it came, it's louder than it used to be, which is upsetting and a little depressing to me, but it's not as loud as it was. So it definitely came down. And I've just been walking around wearing earplugs. And then this is weird thing that if I'm talking, I shouldn't have the earplugs in because then I hear my voice even louder in my head. So I kind of have to let that go. You know, if I have earplugs in and I use my electric toothbrush, I got to take those out so it doesn't like, you know, my head is like, it's like a fucking symphony hall. I got a big round head and it's acoustically incredible. If you have earplugs in, but if you have tenacious, it gets them going again. So I've been trying to be really careful about that. But so if you got any information, I would really appreciate it. And I don't know why it took me so long to reach out to people all around the world on this podcast. I didn't know you guys were listening. I thought it was mainly blown away by the response from African, Middle Eastern countries, you know, people in Asia. I mean, that's incredible. You guys are all listening and enjoying this. It's awesome. So anyways, so now that I know the whole world is listening, let's talk about some American shit because that's what we do.

We fucking eat and we talk about ourselves. Unlike all of you guys in your advanced nations, right? You don't have any cunts in your fucking goddamn part of the world, do you? Oh, that'd be a great thing. Tell me about the cunt that lives on your street or from around the world. That's another way to bring people together. Hate and that fucking jerk off, you know, who doesn't use his driveway and parks his car in the fucking street instead. You know, so now you got to wait until the person comes down the hill for you to go up the fucking hill or around the corner. That's a pet peeve of mine. People who fill their garages up with shit and then don't park in the driveway. They park in the street. That says a lot to me about somebody. That says to me that you're lazy, you're selfish, you're disorganized, and you're not smart enough to be living your life the way I want you to. It doesn't take much. Hey, man, maybe if you took mushrooms, man, you could let that go. All right, Cardinals versus Seahawks tonight.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, you guys, after all of these years in the NFL where they would not give a black guy a fucking chance, they finally did. Well, Marlon Briscoe way back in the day, but now it has come to this. Well, you now have, if you're fucking good enough, you get to play the position. And because the NFL finally got their racist heads out of their asses, we got to watch Kyler Murray lead the fucking Arizona Cardinals against Russell Wilson. I could not be more fucking excited about this. I am a little disappointed. That's a Thursday night game. I wish they had a full week to rest and prepare. I hope nobody gets hurt. If you're new to American football over there, the Middle East, Asia, whatever you watch it, these are two of the most exciting people playing quarterback right now. Russell Wilson, I think, is still the best in the business as far as extending the play and his accuracy on the long ball is second to fucking none.

I am finding myself every single week watching the Seahawks and just enjoying the hell, win or lose, just enjoying it. I did watch the replay of the first Seahawks Cardinals game, an incredible game. Kyler Murray is the most electrifying quarterback since, I would say, Michael Vick when he played in Atlanta, where the second he starts running, like, you just, you're out of your seat, right? So, here's my question. Obviously, when I watched the game, there's that incredible play with the cornerback on the first time these two teams played, picked off the ball for the Cardinals, all right, and just took off, I mean, it was a pick six all fucking day long, and DK Metcalf, like the fucking Terminator, he was running a crossing pattern. He wasn't the guy that this dude was covering. He was, he was like, he was already like, I don't know how many yards away. And he just took off fucking running and it looked like a dad chasing down his toddler at the airport. I mean, I can't believe that was another professional athlete at the cornerback position. This wasn't a fucking, you know, a defensive lineman or something like that, some big nose tackle with a big belly and shit.

Well, you're laughing and cheering him on as he runs down the fucking field. This was a, what do they call it, a, I don't know, one of them, those fast guy positions, cornerback. He ran that fucking guy down. I was going to almost say like it was me running off that, but it was me, he would have caught me. If he caught that guy in his 15, he would have caught me on my own 15. So anyway, I believe this, I don't know what the score was, like the Seattle had like seven or 10 points. It's the second quarter. There's like six and a half minutes to go in the second quarter. They're down by like 10 or whatever. So it sets them up first and goal, right? It goes to third and goal. They don't make it. At that point, kick the field goal, take the points, okay? DK Metcalf made a great play. He took four points away from you, but at least you get the three points. You have three points closer.

What do the Cardinals do? Because of these fucking nerds with their math, evidently, they go for it. They go for it like there's six seconds left in the fucking game rather than six and a half minutes in the first half and they don't fucking get it. You know, end of the day, Cardinals still won the game, but I just do not understand this whole maddened way of playing football. So if there's people out there that have obviously way more experience in playing football, if you could explain to me why they do this, because I remember as a kid hearing all the great football minds in the broadcast booth, former coaches like John Madden used to always say, you take the points, and then also the big thing too, and it was so fucking true, was those missed extra points will come back to haunt you. And that's just one point. A missed extra point in the second quarter, somehow at the end of the game, you lose by fucking one point. And these people are leaving field goal after field goal, after extra point, extra point on the fucking table.

My favorite one is when they go for two point conversion, don't get it. And then they go down, you know, a little bit later, they score again, go for two point conversion, and then they get it. And it's just like, or you could have just kicked two extra points, knowing that you have like a 99% chance of doing that. I just feel like if you take all the shit that's going on today in the game, all this new amazing stuff with all the offenses and the excitement of the game, and you combine it with that old school mentality, I wonder if that actually gives you a better chance of winning. With every fucking time you can come away with points you do, as opposed to every, it's like watching a guy who doesn't know how to play poker, and is pushing his chips and, you know, going like all in, all in, all in. I mean, you're gonna fucking, you're gonna bust.

At least as a fan watching the game, listening to all these guys, as I was growing up, that's how they told me. Now, has the game changed so much? Is it not that big a deal because the other teams are doing it? I mean, I got a lot of questions here. I really do. The NBA draft was yesterday. Paul Verzi, once again, excited. At this point, he even laughs at me, going, oh, dude, the Nick's got a great guy, and you're right, it's LOL. He's like, we're on the way back. But the NBA draft, that's gotta be the, you know, of any drafts, I would watch that one because it's so short. What is it, like a round and a half?

And there's also something hilarious where it's like the NBA draft. Who will you get to watch before they go to a bigger market team or a team that beat them last year? I fucking, I don't know. In a way, it's kind of cool that you just see these two juggernaut teams with seemingly most of the stars in the league. But I don't know, man, it just, I like, I like, it's not as bad as I'm making it seem, but there is just something chicken shit about that. You know, the fucking Oklahoma City Thunder should have got a rematch with the Golden State Warriors, and they should have seen if they could beat them. You know what I mean? All of these fucking guys. I mean, right now, do you realize the New Orleans Pelicans right now should be an odds-on favorite to win the NBA title next year?

And instead, they're just rebuilding again, getting another new star. Like, what, like I said, Zion, Zion Miller, was it Zion Miller? Like, where, where is he going to end up? There's no fucking way that guy's going to be a pelican his whole career. You know, is John Morant going to stay in Memphis? How long is he going to stay there as good as he is as he's watching everybody else going to LA to fuck stars, start their own, you know, fucking, I don't know, swimwear line and win a fucking championship? I got to stop picking on the Lakers because it's because I'm a Celtic fan. It's going to seem like I'm biased or like the, I don't know. I can't get in too much with the Warriors. The Warriors I was fine with until Durant went over there. Then it was just like, dude, what the fuck? It's like you're watching a Batman movie and the Joker ties up Batman.

What will happen to our Cape Crusader? He's just going to fucking join the Joker. Not only is the episode over, the series is over. He became a bad guy. Boohoo. Where, where, where? I'm an old sports fan. But, you know, I like to think, you know, the Asian culture is smart enough to learn from their elders. So, you know, I'm an old bald man right now. So I think some of you young whippersnappers with your fantasy football teams, maybe you're going to listen. Okay, keep your snarky little fucking comments to yourself and maybe educate yourself. I don't know. But I am, I tell you this right now, I am all in with the fucking NFL. I am fucking all in. I'm having the best fucking time watching. I can't remember the last time I had this much fun watching the NFL.

And I think the main thing is, is I'm off the road and I can watch and I've been a fucking nerd. I go on ESPN site, like every other fucking day, checking out who the leaders are, seeing who's got the best defense, who's leading the league, and interceptions trying to get to know all these players' names. Because I haven't really known a lot of players' names for a good 15 fucking years. I got so goddamn busy in a good way. But it's been exciting to actually, and people always tell me, play fantasy football, you'll fucking know almost everybody in the league. And I was gonna play this year after years of shitting on it. But I just, I just didn't get around to it in time. Alright, let's, speaking of getting around to something, let's do our reads here for the week.

Let's do our Rex reads here for the week. Alright. Rex read, too mean to give a 10. Let's name some famous reads. Rex read, Willis read, and that guy read something that played Mr. Brady. What the fuck did I forget his name? Barry Williams, right? Mike Lucanland, Eve Plum, Susan Olsen, what the hell was Maureen McCormick, Christopher Knight, Ann B. Davis, Florence Henderson. Fuck, what is his name? I thought his name was Reed. Anyways, Helix, everybody.

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I do stand-up in parking lots. I can actually now watch a crowd driving in, looking at the crowds, and I can judge the crowd. Too many Priuses. You don't want too many Priuses. You don't want too many big trucks. You want a nice fucking mix. Okay, that's my experiences. Restaurants are moving their dining outdoors and adding takeout and catering. What is the point industry doing? Do they move that leather couch outside? Some consumer packages, a package good company, have shifted to focus more on surface cleaners or personal hygiene products.

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You make a list of gifts you're going to buy for the holidays, and then someone randomly gives you the money to help you buy one. Sounds good? I don't know. It sounds a little scary. What does this person look like? They wearing a fur coat? Do I have to do stuff for this? Well, that's what honey is doing. They're helping pay for $1 million worth of gifts. What a bunch of good shits over there, huh? You're probably wondering, is this the same honey that automatically searches for promo codes online?

That would be amazing if you thought that because that perfectly sets up the next line. Yes! Yes, it is. With honey, honey. Oh, honey, how could you? You can also make a list of all the holiday gifts you want from certain stillers, and honey will email you when the price drops on anything on your list. Just add honey. To your computer, create a free account and throw some holiday gifts on your drop list for a chance to win. Honey will randomly select winners and give them the money to help buy something on their list.

Please talk about the gifts you're going to add to your drop list and want honey to help you pay for. Talk about the items, but not specific sites, please. Jesus Christ, that's a lot of... Well, I don't want to say, what if my kids listen to this podcast? I'm sending some suggestions to Santa Claus for a couple of things. My daughter really likes bikes. I'm not going to say this shit because I don't need you fucking weirdos trying to fucking send me some shit. Don't send me any shit. Don't ever send me any shit. All you need to do is just fucking listen to the goddamn podcast.

Don't show up my shows trying to be a secret Santa. I tell shit jokes for a living. I don't need any help. I'm here to help you with my ignorance and my jokes. I got a bunch of shit that I'm going to... Okay, from my laugh, I'm going to get her something shiny. Because broads like something shiny. Broads want to see you take a nice fucking chunk out of your paycheck so they can feel secure. And they don't care if there's some one-armed baby digging it out of the fucking ground.

So that's what's on... Sorry. Mandatory. No purchase necessary. You need a PayPal account to redeem the price. Only valid in the U.S. Giveaway ends 12.21.2020. Get Honey. For free at joinhoney.com slash burr.

That's join... Oh! No, it's joinhoney. H-O-N-E-Y.com slash burr. B-U-R-R. All right, so... Would you guys like to hear a stand-up comedian who really doesn't get to do much stand-up anymore's prediction on a sport that he never played organized past the third grade and he only lasted for a month?

Tonight... I gotta tell ya, you know, the last time the... The last time the fucking Cardinals won. All right, Seattle, who did they lose to? They lost to the Bills last week? No, two weeks ago they lost to the Bills. I want to say they lost another one. They've been on a bit of a losing streak.

I think Pete Carroll is one of the best head coaches of his era. And I think that they go in and they get it done. Let's see what the spread is. Will you pick against the spread, Bill? Will you put your shit-joke money where your fucking freckled mouth is? Let's see here. Cardinals! Come on, you fucking cunt.

Cardinals versus... I wrote Ardenal. What the hell just happened? Cardinals versus... Seahawks. Spread. Oh, degenerategambler.com. What am I doing? Who is this?

Who am I talking to? What the fuck was that? Where did that voice just come from? Hey! What are you doing? I'm checking the spread out. Who is this? What the fuck was that?

Is my podcast haunted? What is that? Was that my phone? That was my phone. I don't have my phone with me. Is that my tinnitus? Is there a little fucking crazy woman in my ear now? Hey!

What are you doing? All right, let's get to the spread here. I'm not gonna lie to you. That was really fucking creepy. Wait, let's see all the things I have. My inbox. Cast insurance. Efforts for family.

And live reads. There's no... And then the Cardinals spread. All right, let's just go back to this. All right. Seahawks versus Cardinals. Spread. Seattle given three.

Ooh. Is there really a home field? I guess... I really isn't anymore. You know what? You know what? Seattle has such a terrible defense, though. But I think, you know, something...

Pete Carroll is a good enough coach that as bad as that defense has been, they're gonna slowly get better. They need this win. And I just think Russell Wilson has a little more experience and he's got those incredible receivers. I gotta go.

I'm giving the three. I'm taking the Seattle Seahawks. All right. I'm picking the Seattle Seahawks. All right, that is the deal. Okay. That is the... That's the podcast this Monday.

Coming up, I'm doing another show from the Troubadour and there's gonna be autographed posters and that type of stuff. I'm really gonna try to help these live venues out. I'm also gonna be reposting a thing that... Vinnie Brand from the Stress Factory sent me, which is...

We're trying to save our stages. You know, so bands and all the live shit that you like to see, that it doesn't all go away and just become comedy... I don't know. I don't know what the comedy club... Maybe just all improvs.

Not against the improvs, but you need a bunch of different... The punchlines. Hilarities in Cleveland. Gotham Comedy Club in New York City. These are my favorites, right? Caroline's Comedy. Comedy Club...

What else? What else? Punchline in Atlanta. Zany's in Nashville. Zany's in Chicago. I love them all. Kickers out in Michigan. The Skyline Cafe in Appleton, Wisconsin.

The funny bone in St. Louis. Oh, shit. What was that fucking crazy one I used to work in Kansas City? Just totally went blank. I don't know. I don't know. There's so many great comedy clubs.

Side Splitters in Tampa. The Go Bananas ones. Stress Factory. All of these people. Helium. All of these people are the reason why all the comics that you like are funny because they gave us the stage time.

So I haven't gotten to bands and all of that type of shit. So I hope this thing passes and stuff. And I'll be posting about it if he can just try to annoy a congressman or whatever the fuck he's supposed to do so it gets passed. All right.

So everybody, have a wonderful weekend. You cunts. And enjoy the podcast from the Troubadour beyond video too. All right. This Monday. Thank you very much. And God bless you.

Oh, wait. Enjoy the music that Andrew Thamelis picks out and you get a bonus half hour of a Thursday afternoon just before Friday. Monday morning podcast from a Thursday a year ago or I don't know how he does it. All right. Bye.

Baby, baby, feel these sweet sensations. Yeah. Honey, honey, love's like a superstar. Yeah. She got a promise and love's like a fascination. Ooh, what am I to do? How am I to know who you are? Yeah.

Hey, what's going on? It's Wilbur. And it's the Monday morning podcast from Monday, November 19th, 2012. What's going on? How are you? I am in my apartment in New York City and I think I am as well-miked as I've ever been.

I bought some new device. The one that I actually, Ari Shafir, showed me when I did his skeptic tank podcast. And I don't know how to shut off the external microphone. So I'm using a microphone like I'm fucking Michael Douglas. I got on my headphones. I got two more stereo. If you can't fucking hear me this week,

if somebody says, ooh, the podcast was too quiet, all right, maybe you need to go get Miracle Ear. Do they still sell that? Miracle Ear. Can't they, like, fucking grow an ear outside of the body at this point? Can't they, like, grow one in a Petri dish? Isn't that what they're working on right now?

I mean, they can grow the outside at this point. You know, it was years ago. Years ago. They showed that on, like, the local news, right after some old lady, you know, who's made jam for the last 70 years, just fucking died. Oh, they usually do that in the end. No, they wouldn't.

Not if she died. They do it earlier. But if she was still alive, she's been making jam for 70 years, and she's still going. Oh, my God. I bet that was some wonderful jam. Yes, it was.

We'll fuck later. Um, anyways, if this is too loud, if this is fucked up, it's just going to be this one week. I just got to go find some tech person. I'm probably tomorrow morning, by the time you're listening to this, I'm going to be doing the opiate Anthony show

tomorrow morning, and I'm going to talk to the old Danny boy, the lights are calling, whatever. I'm going to, I really should know the words to that. You know? Does anybody know the fucking words to that? You know? Doesn't everybody just know,

oh Danny boy, the lights are, right? That's like knowing the second verse to like, God bless America. No, not that one. It's one of those songs. One of those songs everybody just sang, sings the first verse, one of those patriotic songs,

and then you never hear the second verse. So now we're, and we're, looks at the lyrics to the second verse, and then when they finally look at it, it's the most sexist, racist shit ever. You know? And then they do something about it on TV. Should we get the racial slur out of the second verse,

or is it part of the American fabric? You know? And then everybody on CNBC and MSL, the liberals sit there going, we definitely have to get rid of it. We should trash white people in the first verse to make up for what's said in the second verse. And then everybody on Fox News goes,

you know, I don't see what the problem is. They say that word to each other. I have a red tie on. You know, who watches that shit? Who still fucking watches that shit and just thinks that any of those people have a fucking flying, I don't even know what the expression is,

to have any idea what they're talking about. Do you realize how much shit is going on in the world? And then what do you do? What do those guys do other than just sit there and just wait for the fucking, the teleprompter thing to come on? Or the incoming news? Do they still have that old technology

where that thing types forward and backward? Is it coming in? You know? Incoming news. Over in England, according to this computer, that some fucking person wrote into, 6,000 fucking miles away,

evidently this happened. I don't believe any of it. I mean, I believe it. I believe a lot more of it now that I travel. That's one of the greatest things about traveling. When you actually see Big Ben, you're like, wow, it really exists. This wasn't just made up.

You ever have that paranoid thought that maybe your town or maybe your state, depending on how much you've traveled, that's all there is. And if you just kept going, you'd actually run into that fucking atmosphere that you can't walk through. You ever have thoughts about that?

Well, I have. I'm not going to be made to feel that I'm less than you because you didn't. Before you start judging me during this holiday week. What are you guys doing for the holidays? You having some turkey, some fucking beef jerky, white people with the mashed potatoes,

black-pink people with the fucking sweet potatoes? Right? Jewish people, you don't sit this one out. You guys sit out Christmas. You guys have Chinese food, right? At least we could do, that one holiday. Jewish people hook you up in September.

You barely even have to work in that fucking month thanks to those people. I should have given them a shout-out. A late shout-out to Jewish people in September. Thank you for those two or three Mondays. I always forget if it's two, three. I know it's one.

Is that the month, right? Labor day. Armistice day, flag day, and there's Horatio Sands day. What the fuck is it called? Yom Kapoor. Yom Kipper. I don't know what it is,

but thank you for all those Mondays I've had off. Or is it a Tuesday? I don't know. I don't know what the fuck it is. I don't know what it is, but at least my world, my business shuts the fuck down on those days. And I've never said thanks.

So during the week of Thanksgiving, thank God, I'm giving thanks to Jewish people in those two, three, one, seven Mondays that I have off in, there's only four. Go fuck yourself. In September.

All right? So anyways, I worked at the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts on Saturday night and had a great time. Paul Verzi went up and fucking leveled the place. That fucking asshole. I'm going to lose another opener. I already lost Joe DeRosa.

He took off to the richer fields of headlining. I can't get that bastard to open for me anymore. He's too big of a superstar. I caught him in the dip. The teen idol sensation. I caught him between his initial success. I think he first broke on dance fever. I can't remember what.

And then when Disco was out, he had a rough time. And a lot of people don't know this. DeRosa was actually offered John Travolta's part in Pulp Fiction and he turned it down. Because, you know, he was still, what are we saying, the business? Joe was suffering from exhaustion during that period

and he had to go away. So whatever. Now he's back to headlining. And so now Verzi's opening for me. So I'm like, all right, you know, I can get some miles out of this kid. This fucking asshole is killing so hard. They're not doing just the regular clapping in the end of it.

They were like whistling. Whistling is the next level of killing. If someone takes the effort to just not sit there and, you know, clap in their fucking hand. Well, they gotta actually bring their dirty fingers to their mouth. They probably went to the bathroom. They don't give a shit about the bacteria, right?

And they actually whistle for you. When I hear that, I got maybe another eight months. So if you want to see the legendary tandem of Paul Verzi and myself on the road, you better come soon because this fucking asshole is killing. So anyways, we were at, what is it, Southern Connecticut University? Did I say it right?

I don't know what. It was open to the public. So it was a college gig but it wasn't really a college gig. We were actually at the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts that was on that campus. And it was mainly, you know, people who had already graduated college, which made me feel comfortable.

Actually me and Verzi were both nervous because, you know, he's 10 years younger than I am and I'm actually sitting there going like, okay, an incoming freshman was born in 1994. Fuck me. I was already doing comedy two years, two fucking years. What am I going to talk to this person about? You know?

I haven't done a college gig in years. I don't know. People say you should do them to keep you at your... We were actually talking about this the other day, like how you stay relevant as a performer as you can't... Once you start selling tickets and you have a fan base, you can't just do those shows.

You have to keep going down to the comedy club where it's 100 people who just showed up that night and could give a flying fuck who you are and whether you're funny or not. And then you can stay current. But if you just get your crowd and you just keep performing to them, as you get older, they get older

and then one day they start fucking dying or something. And then that's it. You're standing out there, this old fucking guy in a wrinkled brown suit. It's terrible. It's fucking business. The back nine is brutal. The back nine is brutal.

That's why I'm fucking... I got to do something. I got to get my two pistols and learn how to hunt and freeze an elk. Okay? Come see my act. I'll explain the rest of that. But anyways, what was really interesting

was the John Lyman Center for the Performing Arts was a stone throw from Yale University. Now, I've never been there. I've been to Harvard. I've done a show at Princeton. Dartmouth. And I've walked by the one here that's in New York.

I forget what it's called on the way to some ladies' apartment back in the day when I was a stud. Back in the day, way back in the late 90s, when old Billy Redface first came to the fucking city. Right? Looking like Richie Cunningham. How I ever got laid back then was just funny.

I had to get on a stage and fucking jump around. I had to... What else was I gonna do? Sit there looking like a fucking puppet? Um... Anyways. But I've never been to Yale. I know I drove by.

I had no idea where it was at. Evidently, it's in New Haven, Connecticut. And believe me, I've heard some shit about Connecticut. You know what I mean? I definitely have. I know there's a lot of blue blood money there. Blue blood. Blue blood money.

And I know that there's a... Oh, fuck. You know what they're just reminding me of? I finally figured out a way to work in the so-called white man into my act. I was walking my dog. God damn it. Somebody send me a tweet.

Just write the so-called white man. I just have to think about that. Where the fuck it would go in. God damn it. I was gonna do it last night. Fuck. Um, anyways. So I've heard a lot of shit about Connecticut.

That's, you know, there's a... I'll let J.P. Morgan money. The blue bloods. The guys, you know, who... Their kids haven't worked for fucking generations. Haven't worked since like their initial... Since that meeting on Devil's Island. They haven't fucking worked.

There's some Klan members. Higher level. No Southern accents, you know. Pushing the pawns around. I've heard about that. I've heard that there's a mix of Patriots and Giants fans. And then I heard that there was some rough areas of Hadford. I definitely heard that.

But I never heard about New Haven. So, I don't know. I figure it's an Ivy League campus. I figure it's gotta be cool to walk around or whatever. So anyways, I'm like, you know what? I know that the Yale Bulldogs play in an old stadium. Just like, ah, I wanna go look at it. So I looked it up on Wikipedia and said the Yale Bowl,

their claiming is actually the original bowl in this country. And that all the other bowls looked at that bowl and said, wow, we wanna build one too. And that's how you got the Rose Bowl, the fucking Cotton Bowl, and all those other bowls. And then from that, they took the name Bowl for the Bowl games because they all played in those fucking stadiums. And then from there, the Super Bowl took the Bowl name from that.

So it all goes back to this. So I'm like, well, fuck me. I gotta go see this thing. So I look on my map, my little Google Maps. I see it's a mile and a half away. I hate going to the fucking gym, right? I have my banana and apple for breakfast. I'll go fucking full of fiber.

I'll go take a walk down to the Yale Bowl. Go check this motherfucker out. It's a mile and a half away. I'm in an Ivy League. I'm on an Ivy League campus. How can I go wrong, right? I got about two blocks in. This is an amazing thing where you suddenly,

as a white person, realize that you're walking into the hood. There's those subtle signs, you know, that make you nervous. First thing you see is probably a check cashing place. You know what I mean? A funeral home, Baptist church, you know? Less white people and you start going fuck. I'm thinking, well, it's only a mile and a half away.

How bad can it fucking get? Plus, it's during the day. So I never had a problem during the day. During the day is the regular people. It's at night, right around seven o'clock. I've always said when that second shift comes out, the hustlers, the zombies and all that fucking shit, that's when you don't want to be there.

But, you know, you might catch a couple of those guys coming home late, you know what I mean? So I'm fucking walking through there. I gotta admit, I got about six blocks in and I was waiting. I felt like I was in an episode of The Wire. Like, I was waiting for Omar to come walking by with his fucking gun.

It was crazy. I also figured out why black people walk so slow when they're walking down the street. I get it. Because when you walk slow, you look like you're not nervous. Okay? If you're walking fast, like I was, you look like either a narc or a fucking victim.

You look like you're scared. People just were staring out of just my fucking red face. I think I really freaked out a lot of people because there was nobody down there that looked like me. So I finally got through all this fucking shit and I get down to the Yale Bowl because I want to look at this thing. I'm thinking it's going to look like the one at Heaven.

Right? That's basically a rip-off of, what is that place over there in Italy? What? The place where they threw all the Christians to the lines and that fat guy who was balding and he'd do the thumbs up, thumbs down. It wasn't Pontius Pilate.

He took out the hippie. Julius Caesar? Who the fuck was it? The Roman Coliseum. So I thought it was going to look like that. So I show up to this thing. It's dug into the fucking ground. All I can see is these entrances

that have gates in front of them and above them is just grass. I couldn't see a fucking thing. So then I had to turn around and I had to walk right back through the hood. I was way less nervous the second time because I knew with each step I was getting closer to my hotel.

It's weird how that works. Then I started looking around and people looked a lot more friendlier because I was a lot less nervous. And you know what? I think that's one to grow on. Hey, you know what's funny is I actually want to go to a Harvard Yale game

at the Yale Bowl. I want to do that because I started thinking about how many future presidents sat in the Yale Bowl or at least candidates. You know what I mean? George W. Bush was in there as was that other fucking guy

that ran against him in 2004, John Kerry. You know what I mean? They might have done keg stands together. So I just want to look at drunk kids out there and be like, maybe someday that's going to be my guy who's allegedly my leader. You know?

Maybe in the Harvard Yale game when they're not giving each other shit and throwing their hankies at each other, I can actually hear about the next Illuminati meeting. Hey, you know, I'm always bitching about the population problem and how they never fucking bring it up in the presidential campaigns.

You know what I think they bring it up? I think they bring it up when that Bilderberg group gets together. I think they talk about the real problems, you know, when they all get together and be like, all right, what is the easiest way to get 7 billion down to 500 million?

You know what I mean? Is it sit there eating like fucking lobsters and shit? Then who fucking serves them? I bet when you're a waiter for them, when you come walking into that group when you bring in whatever their fucking escargot and all that shit, I bet they all just shut the fuck up

the second you come in or they pull down some different map and if you accidentally see something like you're never heard from again. Am I slowly losing my mind? I don't fucking know. Anyways, this is the Monday Morning Podcast, everybody. And as you know,

as I stated numerous times, I've started a podcast network. We're just a mom and pop store at this point. Like I said, eventually we're going to be blogging, putting up video, but it's called allthingscomedy.com. And it's sort of a co-op, like what I live here in New York.

Live in here in New York. And, you know, we kind of, it's, you know, by artists for artists. So we're trying to, we're trying to do, you know what's funny about this whole all things comedy is I was just going to say, like we're going to try to have like this whole hippy commune thing and I just saw this whole thing on Jonestown.

So hopefully we don't all like fucking drink the Kool-Aid. But anyways, we've added two new podcasts. We're adding the Naughty Room and the Bone Zone, which are absolutely fucking hilarious podcasts. And we'll probably take away listenership from mine, but I'm okay with that. You know what I mean? Actually, Brendan Walsh is one of my favorite.

Can I even say up and coming? Well, probably because you guys don't know who he is, but he's been around for a while. I shot a failed pilot with him a long time ago and we improved through this whole, this whole scene together. Just had a great time. You know what I mean?

Just to fucking, there's nothing better than when you're with somebody and they're fucking funny because then they don't jump all over your shit and then you can relax and they can actually play off each other. It's when you fucking get in a scene and there's some cunt

that just tries to fucking box you out. Me, me, me, me, me, me. And you start treating it like a lamp. That's when it's not fun. Alright? Anyways. So let's get on with this. What the fuck am I going to talk about this week?

How far into this thing am I? What am I? What am I? What am I? 18 minutes in. My fucking hot ass goddamn apartment. I told you guys a long time ago when my apartment is so hot

and it's not because I'm in it. Hey. It's because somebody in this building, either their kid got sick or they got sick. I don't know if they're still sick, but evidently, unless it's fucking 90 degrees in here,

they're going to get sick again. So everybody in the building has to fucking suffer. Instead of these fucking dickheads buying a goddamn space heater, they just cranked it. I saw it drying out my floors. I swear to God,

I could catch fucking malaria in my apartment. It's disgusting. So anyways, what the fuck was I going to talk about? Did you guys watch any football this week? Did you watch The Patriots? Scored 59 fucking points

against the Colts, but I got to tell you something. How great does Andrew Luck look? I know he threw a couple of pick sixes, but whatever. He's a rookie. That's going to happen. And he didn't have this

freaked out look on his face. He threw a pick six and he was like, fuck. That guy is going to be, I'm not saying anything you don't already know, and kudos to the Indianapolis Colts. Did they play that at the end of Peyton Manning? They played that out perfectly.

They probably knew we had another two, three years, three odds. You're going to go from Peyton Manning to a guy as good as Andrew Luck. Do you realize what a smart move that was? That's like in those cartoons when someone's falling down the cliff

in the phone booth and right before it crashes, they step out. That's basically what they did. In the short run, yeah, they fucked themselves, I guess. Peyton starting to click with the Broncos. I like the Broncos to possibly go to the Super Bowl,

going out on a fucking limb there as every other team is injured. Not really. I'm joking about going out on a limb, but I know what was it, 59 to 24 gives a fuck. That kid can throw, and that kid can play,

and I really hope the Patriots, I can't even get myself to say this because it's my quarterback, so I won't even say it out loud, but at some point, the person with that cute little dimple in his chin is not going to be quarterback anymore for the Patriots, and I hope we're lucky enough

to go from that to a guy as good as Andrew Luck. That is the shit. It's very rare that that happens. I would probably say the greatest one that I ever saw was the 49ers going from Joe Montana to Steve Young.

Other than that, not even the Dolphins. They went from Bob Greci to like Don Strock before Dan Marino came in, and then Dan Marino, his career ended, and then they haven't had anybody.

Joey Harrington from the Lions. Who the fuck have they had? Chad Pennington from the Jets. I always thought that that guy could play. He just could never stay healthy. I mean, the fucking Jets went from Joe Namath to nobody. They're still waiting for the next Joe Namath.

That's how amazing it is and how much you fucking freak out when you get the real deal. I guess the Patriots went from Drew Bledsoe to Tom Brady, you know? And I know Bledsoe gets a lot of shit, but I mean, that guy was, he was up there, right?

He's got the fucking Jets to prove it. No, it's fucking unreal. Look at the Cowboys. Cowboys went Roger Starback, and then they had that long lull. Then Troy Aikman came in, and now they're in another, they're in like a fucking 20-year lull now.

Wait, how long did Troy Aikman play? He played to like 2,000 maybe? And they're still waiting. Although Tony Romo is not as bad. He's not as bad as people say. Bill, are you gonna make any of this fucking funny? You're just gonna sit here and talk about how you remember quarterbacks.

All right. All right already. Could you hear that? Could you fucking hear that? Oh, Jesus Christ. Another person telling me they lost the house in a storm. Holy fucking shit.

There's another thing to give thanks for. But that didn't happen to me. God damn it. You know what the great thing about being a comedian is? Oh, you can actually do a bunch of benefits, and I've actually gotten some offers out on the West Coast to do some.

I gotta jump on one of those. I gotta jump on one of those. I don't even know what the fuck's going on. You know, you realize I don't even watch the news anymore. I'm just so fed up with it. I don't know if I'm fed up with it or I'm so out of my fucking mind

they can't even relate to it anymore. I just sit there yelling on TV, ah, that's fucking bullshit, you know? I don't fucking know. You know what? Let's get to a goddamn... Let's get to a fucking... Oh, how about a big shout out to the NHL?

They're actually thinking about taking a couple of weeks off. They just can't come to a fucking agreement, so they're gonna take a couple of weeks off. You know what I'm gonna do? I'm done with them. I'm fucking done with them. You know every sports fan says that,

and then they get all excited when they come back, but fuck them. I'm getting the NBA lead pass. I've actually been watching the Celtics for the first time in forever. We're actually younger, and I like the way we're playing.

I like the way we're playing, and I like every fucking team in the league, including the Knicks, just as long as they beat the Lakers. That's it. I'm old school. I don't give a shit. I don't give a fuck about the heat.

They're still an expansion team to me. Good for you with your two little banners. You know? I hope you get some more banners so when the air condition's turned on and it starts waving, it dries out all the fucking botox around courtside.

How about that? How do you like that? That fucking creepy-ass town that Miami is? I'll tell you, for as much shit as Hollywood gets for the old guy with the trophy wife, you've never seen it until you go down to Miami Beach

and you see these motherfuckers 60 fucking... 65 years old. 58 maybe at the youngest with their linen on linen matching outfit and those brown fucking loafers. No, sandals that look like that face mask of that guy in the Giants

who's just sick of having people poke him in the face so he basically has a gerbil cage on his face. Those kinds of sandals. Those rich guy's sandals. Probably made in Havana kind of sandals. Those guys, 65 fucking years old. Balls hanging down the side of their linen pants inside leg, of course.

Let's not get disgusting. Right? And they're sitting there with some fucking 19-year-old. It was unreal. It was fucking unreal. It's a disgusting, disgusting thing that's going on down there. You know?

But they've got enough money to cover it up. How is that legal? Once you're of legal age that you could be 58 with a fucking 19-year-old climbing on a fucking 19-year-old. Right? She's into all this new music you don't know. You're sitting there putting on fucking Glenn Miller.

Moonlight Sarenade. I don't even know what the fuck it is if they feel like they're in the Little Rascals movie. It's just disgusting. And awesome. All at the same time. Just depending on what side of the ball you're on. Let's be honest.

So anyways, yeah, I'm becoming a big hoop fan. I actually watched some of the Knicks game today with Paul Verzi. What about the fucking Knicks 7-1? Go listen to Paul's fucking podcast. He's going to be freaking out about that. Telling you the Knicks kid? He still says kid and yeah, boy, when he fucking texts.

He's really starting to show his age, but only in his texting. All right, here we go. Some questions for the week. Hey Bill, how do I tell my wife I'm an atheist? Bill, I have the greatest wife in the world. And we have two wonderful daughters. This is starting off like a horror movie.

You know what I mean? It's always like nice. There's always like leaves falling in a gazebo, but there's just that hint of creepy music. Remember I used to do that back in the 80s when they couldn't just depend on special effects. They actually had to build suspense. That's how this is.

Look at this guy. He has the greatest wife in the world, everybody. And he has two wonderful daughters. There's a problem though. She is a devout Christian. All right, dude, why are you acting like you just met her? You fucking married her. And he goes, and I finally decided

that I don't believe in any of it. Oh, that's why. Oh, well dude, welcome to enlightenment. You know, you can't throw it all out the window, but you know, the seven deadly sins, the ten commandments, all that shit makes sense, but all that other stuff, you know, burning bush, talking to a bat

that's walking on a fucking lake. I mean, come on. I mean, are we adults here or what? You know, you have to throw your first baby over a cliff to show that you love me. Hey, I was just fucking with you. You passed the, what is that? Booming voice coming from the clouds.

You know, I just don't buy it. Something's coming back like for the love of God. What is it waiting for? You know what I mean? Is Jesus like Thurman Thomas trying to find his fucking helmet during the Super Bowl? Is that what's going on here? That's two Thurman Thomas references,

two weeks in a row. You find another fucking podcast that does it three weeks in a row, and goddamn it, you should stop listening to this one. Anyways, he says, I finally decided that I don't believe in any of it. I thought about telling her the old joke. We're both atheists.

I just believe in one less God than you do. But she wouldn't find that funny at all. She is okay for now going to church without me because I work nights. But I have a feeling that when the kids get a little older, that I will have to become more involved. Should I tell her now or just let it be and hope that it never comes up?

Well, I have to tell you, sir, if you do in fact have the greatest wife in the world, she will accept you for who you are. And if you're an atheist and you don't believe in the stuff that she believes in, then you know, there you go. This is what I would do. Let her take him to church.

I don't know what to do. You know what would be funny? What if you took up needle point? Okay, and when you went to church, you just did needle point with your legs crossed in the most effeminate way possible. Maybe that's the way you do it, like some passive aggressive way

that you so embarrassed the most wonderful wife in the world that she asks you not to come. You know? What if you do like a needle point that just is like little atheistic sayings and you make pillows, and when they have like the church drive, like the bake sale and they wash your car,

you sell the pillows that you sew during the mass. Oh, you know what? And they say Jesus is Lord, but it's almost like one of those Pink Floyd songs that if you play it, I don't know, if you listen to something, they got like hidden messages or something, or maybe they never did.

Maybe just these Jesus freaks did. That's not a really freak amount. It may have like subtle messages in like the outskirts of the pillow about this is all a bunch of bullshit. And you don't believe in pedophilia, you know? Jesus, they'll give me some fucking emails. Anyways, what did he ask?

Should I tell her now or just let it be and hope that it never comes up? You're basically saying should I man up and be who I am or should I stick my head in the sand? Those are your two options. So I am going to throw this back at you, sir.

What kind of man do you want to be? Do you want to be the kind of man that sticks his head in the fucking sand when there's a confrontation? Or you want to be that guy that just sits down and just says, listen sweetheart, I tried. I just don't believe it.

Okay? And I think it's great that you believe it. If you want to go down there and sing the songs, shake some hands, close your eyes, make a pledge for Jesus, whatever the hell you want to do, you go down there and you do that.

It's like watching football. I like doing it. You know, you're not into it. I don't make you watch football, do I? I don't do that. You know why? Because I'm the greatest husband in the world. Why don't you try that?

Just ask her. Listen. Wait, does she know? Oh, wait. She knows that you're not going. Ah, Jesus. You know what? You might want to give her a little Jesus juice

and get a little liquored up. I don't want to. I think you've got to tell her. You know, I don't like how you're deliberately working. I feel like you're deliberately working late on Sundays or early on Sundays, whenever the hell she goes, so you can just avoid this.

You're avoiding shit, sir. And this is a snowball. A snowball of Jesus and it's rolling right down towards you and at some point it's going to roll over you. You know? And there's going to be some fucking creep in church, like that priest

on the fucking Sopranos that's going to come over and fucking hold her hand when you're out there doing your little job there. Alright, so I say you just tell her. Just say it. Just look. Don't be a douche. Just say it. I'm fucking around because I've got to make this shit funny. I don't care if you believe in that shit.

God bless you. I hope you're right so you can laugh at me when we all die. That's so stupid. I'm going to hell for the rest of my life. You don't think that's a little overkill? I think the Rockefeller laws are fucking bad.

Anyways, just say, look, I respect that you're into that type of stuff. And listen, you know what, dude? Who gives a fuck? Somebody took you to church. Somebody took you to church and you after a while realized that you didn't believe in it. So if she wants to take the kids to church,

just let her take them to church. But your wife has to be okay with the fact that they say, hey, have them. You don't go down and pray to the hippie. You can say, because I don't believe in that stuff. I don't think it happened. In a couple of years,

you'll understand what I mean when I tell you about old St. Nick, when I tell you the real story. There you go. Santa Claus for adults every Sunday. Bill, do I go for it? A billy fat face.

I love the podcast. Boo, I need your opinion on something. So like a typical douchebag, I always joke with my wife about having butt sex. He goes just because it makes her uncomfortable. Dude, butt sex is one of the funniest fucking words

ever. Because it's a butt sex. It's really fucking, you know, it's almost the sound effect of you pulling out butt sex, you know, or going in. That's disgusting. I'm so much more

disgusting on this thing than I am in my regular act. But yeah, butt sex, it's really like blunt force kind of trauma there. Can you hear every time I shift on the couch? So fucking well-miked here. He goes, anyways, the other day she offered to try it

if I quit saying fuck and using the Lord's name in vain for a month. Honestly, I never thought about trying it except in high school with the chick using the anal virgin loophole. Should I go for it?

Thanks and go fuck yourself. No. No, you shouldn't. Okay? And not because I'm some purist and I'm saying you shouldn't bang your wife in the ass. Okay? That's your legal property. You can do with it what you want.

I'm just fucking with you. No, you shouldn't. You know why you shouldn't? Because you have to do some sort of fucking parlor trick. Hey, if you jump through these fucking three hoops, you know, then you can have a cookie. Go fuck yourself.

Go fuck yourself. See, it's too late to say that. If you don't put your shoes on the rug, maybe you can Yeah, you know what? Maybe if you pay for the NFL package, I'll let you ride me. How about that?

Why do they always act like what they have is so much better than what the fuck you have? You know why? Because we're weaker. We're like the fat guy who can't resist a cookie and they're sitting over there eating fucking salad laughing at us. You know what you need to do, sir?

You need to get in control of your dick. You gotta get your fucking dick in check. Okay? This is one thing for you and for everybody else. Listen, every other guy listening to this. Don't ever do a fucking party trick. For a sexual favor. Go fuck yourself. Alright? I'm not a goddamn chimp.

That's what I gotta do. Just rub one out. Rub one out and then you're not gonna give a shit. You know what she should have said? If she said it, if the second she said she'll offer to try it. See, right there, all that means is you're not gonna say fuck for a month

and you're not gonna say goddamn Jesus Christ. It's goddamn fucking thing. Jesus Christ, it doesn't work. You're not gonna be able to say that for a month. Just so you can sit there and for fucking an eighth of a second, if she goes ahhh ahhh

and then that's it. And then you're gonna go Jesus Christ, right? And then she's gonna sit there and be like oh, so you're just gonna go back to saying that? You know, I thought it was really nice that you didn't say that for like a whole month, right?

And now you're fucking in that. You know what I mean? It's like, you gave up that real estate. Okay? Just like the NAVED Americans, just like the Mexicans, once you lost Texas what you have to do, you know what Mexicans have to do to get that fucking thing back?

Do you realize the level of bloodshed that they have to fucking get that back? Okay? This is the same thing in the fucking, this is the Louisiana Purchase, right here. You're never getting it back. If you fucking sit there and act like a goddamn poindexter for a month and don't talk

like how you normally talk. Just so you can just basically knock on the door of her butthole to have it go ahhh Right? I love how you have to do the entire thing that she wants

just so she can attempt to maybe do what you want. See what's, you see what happened? Alright? Now you get a pass on this one because this is your first time at the rodeo. So you missed it this time but the next time she does some shit like that

I'll use this one as an example. I'll let you do that if, you know if you just try to not say fuck and use the Lord's name in vain for a month. You know what you should have said? You should have said I love you but fuck that. Okay?

And get out of the way of the goddamn TV. And in a weird way she'd respect you more. She'd respect you more. You know what dude? You ought to be able to finesse your way into that fucking move into that act at this point.

Alright? You ought to be able to talk your way into it. You ought to be able to make her want to do it Stop looking for the fucking pass interference call so you can get the first down. Why don't you fucking earn it? Unlike half the fucking quarterbacks in the league these days. Alright?

Okay. Sorry, that was tough love but you needed it. Dude, she did everything but make you put a fucking red nose on. Pink boxing gloves. Jesus Christ, Phil. I was watching the boxing match between Adrian Broner and Antonio DiMarco and they both have pink gloves.

Broner is wearing pink shorts. It's fucking November 18th. I don't know if you're into boxing. Well, the way I try to pronounce their names you can tell. You know what it is? I love boxing but it's on Saturday nights and I'm always working so I miss it. Jimmy Dore.

The great Jimmy Dore. He always orders the fights and he always, you know, once every ten fights I'm in town and I'll try and go over there and watch him. He's a big fight fan in a phenomenal comic. One of my favorites. Alright. But I know that if you watched this match you would have been furious.

I'm not, you know, I don't give a shit. I just, it's... I just think, you know, you can just see the writing on the wall with all this pink shit. Eventually there's going to be a real sports segment or there's going to be a 60 minute segment.

I'm calling it right now like Paul Versey that there's going to be some big fucking thing about how much goddamn money these corporations made off of all this pink stuff that they made off of this horrific disease.

You know what I mean? That five hour energy. A portion of the proceeds. Yeah, how much of a portion? How much of a portion goes to fighting breast cancer and how much goes to your fucking yacht? Huh? The tassels on your fucking shoes?

You know, I love about that pink. Amazing awareness. Why don't you fucking tell us how not to get it? You know? From what I've been reading lately is what you want to do is you want to eat some of the power foods there. You know, like kale,

a lot of those leafy greens, bok choy and all that type of things, they're full of fucking nutrients and they actually help repair your cells before they go all the way over into a cancerous cell. Can you believe I have the fucking balls to talk about something this medical? That I got three quarters away through that sentence

before I actually realized like wow, I am in way over my fucking head. I don't even own a lab coat. I've just been reading that book Eat For Life and I got to tell you dude I actually

I'm believing in this because I've tried, I did the abs diet, I've done all those fucking diets, the pie protein, low carbs, I've done all of that shit and every time I was on those I always had cravings. Like fuck I miss bread, fuck I want ice cream, fuck! That's what they should call those diets.

You know, but this thing here filling up with fiber has been ridiculous. It's actually easy to do. I have a banana for breakfast. Then I wait like an hour and then I have an apple. Then I'm good till lunch.

Then I sit down and I have a giant fucking salad. And it fills me up, I feel great. I have some beans on there and I'm good. I got to tell you something. You eat like that, you'll never be constipated ever. Eat like a rabbit, you will shit like a horse.

Trust me, trust me. Ever see those shows without that fucking lady you are what you eat? Supposed to be a meal in and a meal out. I was like what are you talking about? I ate three meals a day. You're going to tell me I'm going to fucking, you know,

fucking at the end of the night I got posted up a six. The triple double of fucking shitting. You're telling me that that's going to happen? I'm telling you if you fucking eat like that it's going to happen. It's going to happen. I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.

But I have actually, for once I'm starting to read up on nutrition and give that book a read. Let me know what you think. By the way, there's no advertising on the podcast this week. None whatsoever. At some point.

Alright, Bill. How much weight do I need to lose to be fuckable? Oh, Jesus. Alright, just saying that you're up decent looks. Here we go. Dear Bill, big fan of yours, go fuck yourself. That was perfect.

Little compliment and an uppercut. I liked it. He goes, I'm a fat ass. I'm 6'1 and used to weigh 400 pounds in January 2010. I've lost weight with little effort on my part and now weigh

337 pounds. Basically, I lost weight by giving up soda, adopting a one animal product meal philosophy and exercising two to three days a week at the gym. Congratulations, dude. That's awesome. I got a charge out of that. That's great. You're turning yourself around. Good for you.

He goes, I currently work at Satan's asshole Walmart. I love them in another email. Oh, dude. By all means. By all means. Hey, all you people who work for these giant corporations, if you're seeing some seedy shit, by all means

send it to me. I'd love to read the stories. Or if you're actually doing some good shit and you want to bring down my paranoia a little bit, I'll read the good shit, too. Alright? The good shit fucking douche. My schedule with them doesn't allow me to get much exercise in this time of

year. So increasing my exercise isn't possible until January. This question is for the lovely Nia. Well, she's not here right now. And I fucked you guys over last week because I didn't have time to do a neolog.

Anyways, he says, how much weight would I have to lose to be fuckable? I got a John Goodman patent Oswald like potato face. I didn't want to trash patent. I didn't know you were going to say that. Um, sorry

Patton. One of the best fucking comments out there. Absolute beast. There we go. Sorry. I don't read these till I read them. My apologies. Here's a link to my Facebook picture with my skinny brother. Let her see her. Remember, I am lazy.

I want the bare minimum to be fuckable. Well, I got to go with this one now. Here we are in failure. Jesus Christ, dude. Alright. Hang on a second. Let's look at this here. There's your brother. Alright, dude. How much weight do you have to lose?

Alright, the first thing you got to do is get some contacts. Alright, lose those glasses. I like how you're dressed. You got a nice suit on. I would say, uh, get you in the game. Would you say 337?

Dude, I got to tell you something, dude, but if you get down to 275, do you get down to 275? You're 6'1", 275, you're at your football weight. You'd be fine. 275, you could carry that. And then just keep going. Get down to like 230, you'd be good.

I'd keep rocking the suits. I'd lose the glasses. Or you know what I would do if you don't like contacts? Get a, uh, get a hipper. More, uh, you know, I'm judging your fucking souffle kind of glasses. You know those shit that they wear on TV? You could turn it around. You're right there, dude.

You're within 50 fucking pounds. But, uh, I wouldn't use, uh, the holidays as an excuse not to lose weight, dude. Just, um, you know what? Here's one for you. Get that fucking book. Um, uh,

Eat To Live. Get that book, Eat To Live. Just read the first 100 pages of it and you'll get the gist of it. Now I'm telling you, you'll start turning yourself around. You'll start losing fucking weight without even having to go to the gym. Alright? Uh, he said, remember, I am lazy. I want the bare minimum to be

fuckable. Dude, you know something you got going for you is you got a great sense of humor too. You get down to 275. Alright? And you're funny and you're a warm guy and you wear a suit. I'm telling you. It's gonna start happening for you. Alright? And you send me the fucking

email about Walmart and when you start getting late. I want to know what the number was. Alright? Okay, where are we now? How many fucking minutes are we? 47 minutes. Jesus Christ, I'm coming up short this week. Uh, overrated, underrated. Uh, overrated. Making the bed.

Throughout my entire life, I've noticed I've not once voluntarily voluntarily made the bed. I see it as a pointless, trivial task that makes, that serves no other purpose, but to please other people with OCD by giving them a sense of completion. Why spend

even more than a minute of my day to fix something I'm gonna mess up in 14 hours anyway. If I did my math correctly, people spend an average of 81 days worth of time making the bed in their life. Kim Kardashian's marriage lasted

shorter than that. What a waste of time. If you, if you're living alone, dude, this type be any smaller here. If you're living alone, you're made out to believe making the bed is a necessary must-do thing right next to showering and brushing your teeth. Who am I trying

to impress if nobody else is around? Even if people are around to see it, what doesn't matter? It's not like I don't have a clean house. Does making my bed alone really determine my cleanliness to others? What's next? Tying our shoes after taking them off? That's actually a good analogy. Perhaps organizing

our trash before throwing it away, it's just ridiculous. You know what? I get a lot of that, but you know something coming home to a bed that's made can also make you feel good. And also, who knows you go out to Applebee's just to go out and get yourself some mozzarella fucking sticks right? And all of a sudden you

hook up with some chick, you bring her home, I'm telling you. She's like, what am I doing with this strange guy? His fucking apartment smells maybe a little weird. I'm telling you, a messed up bed can be a deal breaker. Girls looking at a messed up bed, they probably think you're fucking jizzed all over everything or banging

on the broad in there. Next thing you know, she's got a half a foot out the door. You know? But I do see what you're saying, and I don't make the bed, but I gotta tell you when I do make the bed, when I do come at night and the bed is made, it actually makes me feel good. You know? How many times do you

lost something in the bed? You cell phones under a pillow, right? You lose your shoehorn, some other fucking thing that nobody uses anymore. YouTube, BamaFans. Oh, I gotta see this. I didn't even watch this. YouTube video of the week.

I want to see this. Is it a bunch of hot chicks with that great fucking... This video is no longer available due to copyright claim. Ah, fucking crap. Barstool Sports was gonna have that. They're always on the cutting edge

of all the sports stuff that you want. You know what, I have that guy as a guest way back in the day. So anyways, where the fuck am I gonna be coming up? 50 minutes in. Watch me kill, somehow kill 50 minutes. Why do I feel like I'm required to give you an hour?

Wait a minute, you're working a short week? You only work until Wednesday. Why do I gotta put in a full fucking hour? You know? You know why? Cause I'm a solid fucking guy. I'm not a solid guy. I just have a fucking need to be liked. That's what it is. I'm gonna be at

the... at the improv in Brea, California. Let me see if I can get to my fucking website this. Where the hell am I? Get to my fucking website here. Shows. Shows for the week here.

I'm gonna be at my last gig of the year. My last official one. I'm gonna be at the improv in Brea, California. November 30th. December 1st. And December 2nd. And I highly recommend you go to these shows because I'm in a great

mood lately. And my act is firing on all cylinders. I got more than enough. You know, I was afraid because I retired the Steve Jobs bit because I did it on the Night of Too Many Stars. Did you guys watch that clip?

Did I send you a clip of that? Did I send a link to that? I should say. Can you hear me clicking here? My stomach fucking growling. I'm gonna try and find this for you right here.

Anyways, but if you get a chance to watch it. It's Night of Too Many Stars. Just go on YouTube. Search that. Night of Too Many Stars. What the fuck is my stomach doing? Night of Too Many Stars. Bill Byrne, you'll find it on YouTube. I gotta thank Robert Smigel

because he fought for that set because there were some people that were nervous because I was crashing Steve Jobs and on that network Apple advertises, which is a logic. That's one of those corporate decisions that doesn't bother me. I understand that. I'm fucking with their money.

But Robert Smigel really stuck up for me on that one. He fought for the set. So if you see it and you like it, he's the reason why. Listen to my stomach. Let's see if it'll do it. Can you hear it? Come on. I'll have to bring it down really quickly.

Oh, you know what I'm doing this week? I'm going to my 25-year fucking high school reunion. There it is. Did I get it down there on time? Did you hear it growling? I'm going to my 25-year fucking high school reunion. I haven't been to any of them yet because I felt like a loser.

You know what I mean? So I'm actually going to go back there with a couple of my old drinking buddies and I'm really looking forward to seeing everybody there. And I'm just hoping that I'm able to have you know, I really chose a different road. Most of the people obviously that I know,

including the guys I'm going with, they got married, they had kids. They got their house with the picket fence. They did that type of shit. So I'm just hoping that it's not going to be like, oh, you're a comedian. Oh, that's awesome. And then everybody's just going to talk about their kids

and I'm sitting there with my fucking hands in my pockets like, yeah. So, you know, I think I left something in my rented geo. You know, it's a pretty confident move, huh? I'm showing up in a fucking rented economy car. Do you know I met some douche one time,

this fucking lady and she had gone. She had grown up in my town. She was a little bit older and I met her at one of my shows and she was talking about how she had recently gone

to a high school reunion and just was talking about how pathetic everybody in her class was and how she only stayed there for two hours before she left and went back to the Ritz Carlton in downtown Boston before boarding her

United flight back to Colorado. I'll never forget that. She used all the names of every corporation that she was involved in. The Ritz Carlton in Boston boarding my United Airlines flight. You know, and it was fucked up because as far as I could tell

from talking to her, all she did in life was marry a rich guy. You know, she's sitting there looking down on these fucking people. I just, you know, United Airlines. I like how she said that she just fucking conquered going to back to Paris. I don't know.

I just hope it's not. I don't think it's going to be like that. I actually came up with a really cool grade. It was crazy. The grade above me and the grade below me were, uh, everybody in my high school were cool, but

they were psychos. The grade above me and the grade below me, they just fought like they were fucking maniacs. Every weekend there was some bench clearing brawl at a party. Somebody gets a bottle smashed over their fucking head that was like lawsuits.

There was a dude in the grade above me. You want to talk about party tricks? His thing was he would eat a light bulb and he'd be just sitting there eating it with his gums bleeding and be smiling. His blood is in between his teeth like fucking maniac. Okay?

How do you combat that? It's fucking nuts, but my grade was really cool. What was cool about my grade was suburban shit. Everyone would end up going drinking in the woods and everybody had their click and with each year

the clicks just sort of started coming together like a virus, but in a good way and by the end of it everybody was kind of hanging out with each other. You know? We used to go to this industrial park that wasn't developed yet

and we would go down there. There was a bunch of burned out cars back in the day when you could just burn cars for fucking insurance and and nobody would do it. There was no fucking I don't know.

They didn't even investigate it. Yeah, I got a fucking and it's 74 pinto. Yeah, I can't believe somebody stole it either. It's unbelievable. Insurance fraud was really easy back then and during those days. But anyways, we used to drink down there

and fuck, that's all we would do. Everyone could come down in your cars and you'd see somebody's headlights coming and everyone would be like, is that a cop? There was always the people, the experts recognizing the silhouette of the car

and the square headlights. Back then it was the Crown Vic and the 85 Crown Vic that had a very unique look to it and it wasn't aerodynamic at all and you could just tell and everyone would fucking screw hide the beers all the bullshit we were drinking.

So I don't know, so I haven't gone to any of the reunions yet from a feeling like a loser and then I also had kind of a paranoia where I so liked everybody in my grade I didn't want to come back and see somebody not doing well.

I didn't want to see somebody with the fucking gallbladder problem or somebody divorced or somebody and I wanted to remember everybody the way I remembered them. Everybody in my grade was fucking hilarious they had that light in their eye they had their whole fucking lives ahead of them so

I guess that's the thing that I'm the most nervous about I just want to go back and see like happy people you know I don't want to see somebody fucked up their back and now they can't work and their fucking job's fucking with them I'm just really hoping that that's going to be

and I'm really hoping that that's going to be to a fucking minimum a minimum do you guys have any high school reunion stories? I want to hear some good ones some nightmare ones and that type of shit

just to keep the podcast rolling here maybe a different direction at some point anyways that's all I got I could really fucking hang in here for another fucking round and take a couple concussions that are going to fucking catch up with me later on in life I don't want to do that lead the cops on a

a police chase or some fucking thing whatever oh by the way before we're playing the dirty stinking jets this week the very quiet jets I guess somebody was shitting all over the jets this year I can't shit on the jets they've had so many fucking injuries

I think it's actually amazing that they're four and six and what's his face? Rex Ryan hasn't been talking shit there's something funny about seeing him and that guy there Tony Serrano with his witness protection hat and glasses

I know his eyes got something going on with his eye that's why he got a wet there's just something funny about them I was watching the game today before we switched over to the mix and I saw the two of them standing there like high-fiving and hugging each other after a touchdown I just started laughing I said diversity I go they look like two fucking guys

who just about ready to walk into a casino you know those guys that walk into a casino still haven't learned the lesson that they're going to lose they come in like rubbing their hands like they got a system that's what they look like they look like two guys if they weren't like a buddy movie you'd fucking root for them so I don't know

I don't know I've kind of lost my hate when someone's not talking shit anymore I don't give a fuck is that weird? I don't know go fuck yourselves that's a podcast for this week okay NHL I'm sorry I waited to damn near

December I need another sport to offset when football is not on so I don't know what to tell you I'm getting the league pass I don't think you should take two weeks off and you know what people out there who blame the players it's not the players fault

this is a lockout this is the owners the owners are basically saying that we don't agree with what we agreed with to already a couple years earlier it's such a fucking like it's so the players really don't have an agreement

unless the agreement totally works out for the owners is that what it is you know what I mean this is what the NFL owners did last year oh wait a minute that agreement that we agreed to we don't agree with anymore so we're taking our stadiums and going home unless you agree to our fucking demands

I don't know I side with the players on this one and I really hope that they can work it out because I miss it I was watching this thing on HBO they were running this thing on the I know this is fucked up as I keep leaning back and coming forward I hope this isn't messing with

the recording too much but I I watched this thing on the broad street bullies and I have a love hate even though it was before my time I have a love hate for that whole fucking team just because I always love the fighting because that's

what was going on when I got into hockey but also you know that style of play really set the game back for a long long fucking time to the point that people to this day when they criticize hockey and when you listen

to them talk about it you would think it was the mid 70s or early 80s like they don't even fucking watch it and I don't know do you ever see that whole thing about when the Russians came over here to play the NHL basically I guess they were playing four exhibition games and everybody knew that

shit it's Canada's game and you know the cold war was in full effect and it was basically like we wanted to beat these guys you know it was like saying that capitalism was right and communeers was wrong

so the Russians came in and played three top teams and beat all of them so it was down to the flyers to beat them and the flyers to their credit their coach actually came up with the system it seemed like the lock or the trap and they just fucking

they slowed them down and the Russians couldn't figure it out and once they had that going they started playing flyer hockey which is I really feel where they made that fucking mistake they shouldn't have done that they should have just beat them straight up but basically they started throwing elbows to the faces slashing at them

and doing all this type of shit and the final one was some fucking guy the flyer skates out of the penalty box and just fucking elbows this guy right in the face and the guy goes down and it's not that he did it it was that there was no call

so then the Russian guy calls his players off the ice and says alright fuck it that's it we're going home and then they were showing the flyers and the guy's going so you quit you take your players off the ice like this guy's a pussy and it's like now he's not a pussy it's like

we fucking played you straight up and we beat you three fucking times in a row we're better than you even if you win tonight we won three out of four and we proved that we were better during that time the Russian team was fucking better

so the only way you can fucking beat them is to basically cheat and play dirty I think it was fucked up but the Russians came back out and they ended up losing and I don't know I don't want to be un-American here but I gotta side with the Russians on that one

a bunch of fucking angry flyer fans but I've never liked that shit I've never liked that I don't mind a goon fighting a fucking goon but I never liked that shit in hockey where it was just like alright let's do some old Samuelson shit I'm not as good as you maybe I'll just

jump on your fucking knee and then for some reason then they do that they hate me I hate them but it was on your team they even love them I never got into that I think it's bullshit but I do respect the the flyers to a certain extent and they're fan base but I thought that that one was fucked up

you had the game playing you cunt you should have just beat them straight up alright I had to put that one to bed I had to give you my opinion on a fucking game that happened 37 fucking years ago alright that's the podcast I went over an hour during the holiday weeks

that's it everybody have a wonderful Thanksgiving try to get along with your relatives don't take the bait change the past you can't change them alright all you can do is change the future by what you create okay so there you go man

that's the most hippie thing I've ever fucking said I'm trying to be a little more positive alright that's it go fuck yourself I'll talk to you next week I've been waiting so long and this love ooh I still be a skeleton

free me of solutions I've had a mind about you seems so true I've been lost and tellin' my loving means loving to you

baby I still love you I don't want to do what I want you yeah I don't want to do what I want you you I don't want to do what I want you I want you I want you

I want you love I still be a skeleton free me of solutions I've had a mind about you seems so true

I've been lost and tellin' my loving means loving to you so baby I still love you my loving means loving to you so baby I still love you

feel my mind philosophy don't you see it's killing me feel my mind philosophy don't you see it's killing me