My Therapist Ghosted Me - Everyone Cheats, Everyone Stays!

Episode Date: December 16, 2022

This week, Joanne loses her patience with Vogue's 'Elf on The Shelf' antics, Vogue has gone properly rock and roll and it's finally time to get into the STACKS of stories about the times you found out they'd cheated... If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Welcome to My Therapist Goes To Me with me, Gerard McNally, and her, Vogue Williams. Thank you so much. Thank you so much. I'm sorry. Thank you so much I'm sorry thank you so much Joanne you know the way you were slagging off poor Prada Peters snoot yeah do you remember the days when you had a scarf in every single color for every single outfit that you owned no that was a very you look I never went down I didn't go down that road.

Yeah. And the only reason I know it was you is because I've seen photos of you. Obviously, we've shared photos, but I never did that. I never did the scarf thing. Every single colour. And then they went out of fashion and I threw them all out.

Now I only have one scarf to my name. And do you know what else? Skinny jeans. Jo, I'm looking at you. Right? I'm looking at you. Skinny jeans are gone. You're so embarrassing

if you wear skinny jeans supposedly twice i've been called out folk what are you where are you where are you back on tiktok what's happening here i the only thing i've done on tiktok right the only thing because i'm currently mid-war with my brother that absolute shite bag um we're having a war about elf on on the Shelf and so I've been looking at TikTok for really good ideas and when I say my Elf on the Shelf

did you see my Elf on the Shelf last night Jo? No I didn't well I'm telling you you've missed out go and look at it right because

so three Elves were in the bath and for fuck's sake like what what okay listen how good it is one of them was on a blow-up unicorn.

I'd bought a special elf unicorn. The other was on Peppa Pig's boat. And the other was... Yeah, how amazing. And the other was sitting with my shower cap on. Vogue, we're trying to run a business here. Okay. Joanne?

Which is based on people Wanting to listen in too So I don't know where this pep This peppiness Has come from today Do you? With your elf on the shelf Doing a backstroke

Working in a brothel But it's not going to work In our favour Alright Oh my god A brothel was tonight's elf Doing a bit of doggy Twerking to Patricia the stripper

By Krista Burke Up and down a pile Yeah I'm getting all my ideas From the pod Another one I'm going to get All teased Like farm animals Tuggy. Twerking to Patricia the stripper by Krista Burke up and down a pile. Yeah, I'm getting all my ideas from the pod. Another one I'm going to get all teased like farm animals and stamp all over them

and just leave them there because farm animals do that too. Couple of things about Elf on the Shelf. One, I got a DM complaining

which I actually have to say I was, firstly, I was, I was felt bad about and secondly, I laughed at a message from a woman

who'd obviously messaged me before because she came into my direct messages fuming with us that we had publicly discussed Elf on the Shelf. Basically, she was like,

fuck's sake, I put the pod on and my kids were there and he started talking about Elf on the Shelf, fuck's sake, blah, blah, blah. I had to like run across

and turn it off. And I was like, I'm sorry, firstly Percy this is an adult podcast it's definitely an adult podcast I didn't see you complaining when I was accusing Vogue of pawing herself with a flamingo foot

like where were you then do you know what I mean oh no elf on the shelf suddenly it's like this has to come with a warning like it's an adult podcast I'm not gonna say I'm not gonna put a trigger warning forf on the Shelf. Suddenly it's like this has to come with a warning. Like, it's an adult podcast.

I'm not going to put a trigger warning for Elf on the Shelf. Like, I'm not going to do it. No, we absolutely can't. But I'm also not going to accept your abuse around Elf on the Shelf. You should be saying to me, oh my God, that was such a fantastic thing you did last night. What else have you got up your sleeve? So me and my brother are having a fight.

Because he thinks he's so brilliant at Elf on the Shelf, right? I know this is just the most stupid thing in the world, but we're trying to up each other and he's raging because he's like, oh, you bought elf accessories, so like you're not allowed to do that. And he's hung his elves on all these fairy lights.

I'm like, sorry, did you like put those fairy lights together yourself? You bought the fairy lights. They're all accessories that you purchased fuck I can't I can't like I

can I just run you through a few of my ideas no absolutely not no you can't I'm going through my top three because there's moms

that listen to this podcast because they like listening to me and just because you've got no interest Joanne if you lived in my house I would also do

Elf in the Shell for you okay because I know you'd be happy to see that you can change this episode to Joanne girls if you lived in my house, I would also do Elf in the Shell for you. Okay? Because I know you'd be happy to see that. You can change this episode to Joanne Giles to me because I'm literally going to hang up in about three seconds on her. I understand. I'm doing my top three.

You're not. Jo, she can't just do that. I will stay on and record after she leaves if I can't have my top three elves. I just want your opinion as a comedian, okay? They have to be funny and good. Yeah, get that down you. You're going to need it for the next five minutes.

My opinion is you should put that time into charity work. Well, I'm going to tell you, okay? I think you should put this time into setting up a soup kitchen. That's what I think you should do, Vogue. There is an elf on the shelf idea where the kids, you draw on your kid's face with a marker,

obviously not a permanent marker. So you draw like a moustache and stuff like that. And then you put the elf sitting beside them with a marker and then you show them their face in the morning so they think that the elf is drawn on their face. Vogue, I've obviously seen that on TikTok. I've been there.

I've been on TikTok always That's the only thing I do at TikTok I look up elf on the shelf ideas Listen, speaking of TikTok I was on it the other day I was on it the other night and I went down this is an absolute, this is a pivot

I went down the organ donation I don't know what I've done to my algorithms I don't know, did I try and buy a kidney when I organ donation. I don't know what I've done to my algorithms. I don't know, did I try and buy a kidney when I was pissed? I don't know. But suddenly all my videos are about organ donation. And I went down, so sad.

These young ones who've died and donated their organs and they get this hero's walk. So their bed gets like walked down to the operation room by nurses and doctors and everything. And I was bawling crying, which is very cathartic, but I wanted on the record,

I'll give every single one of my organs. I'll give it all. Harvest me. Like yours are going to work by the time you're done with them. Put me in the ground like a husk. Do you know what I mean? Like literally like empty,

scoop me empty like a pumpkin. Take everything. I thought we were being positive. This is very upsetting. This is positive. If you do take my eyes, you will have to tag Optolase. They are now 2020. But other than that, everything is yours. Liver, grand ha ha ha,

no one wants that, but everything else. You can have it all. Tongues, toes. They don't take toes eyebrows ears everything take it all I want you to have everything everything

take it will you give your face you can give your face away yeah I mean your face is worth a lot of money if your face is going I might put my hand up

for that I'll be fucking I'll be totally honest it's actually a great idea I would rather pass my face on to someone else than raise a child because if there's an issue of legacy there which I do have concerns over not having a legacy

I'd easily donate my face when I die and then that's kind of a legacy because you've something that looks like you which is exactly like a child grant boom done I'll tell you what this is why you've got to put a bit more effort into Otto because if you're old and like on your own and like you need someone to be around, who's going to be there?

Your godson. I'm suspicious of Otto. He has a lot of hair. It doesn't make any sense at his age. And I'm suspicious. His haircut's not great. He looks like a little, what are they called? A hermit man.

So I'm filling out this visa to go to America. America? For the shows next year. Oh, because you need a work visa. So I'm filling out this visa to go to America. America. For the shows next year. Oh, because you need a work visa. You need a work visa. Also, nice time to plug, I've added a second

town hall New York date. But anyway, I'm filling out the visa. Have you ever filled out a visa to go to America? No. Oh my God. Like obviously, I'm on the edge at the moment anyway. no I oh my god like obviously

I'm on the edge at the moment anyway but if you're on the edge and you're kind of circling the plug hole of madness don't do it and you want to

and you want to kind of tip yourself into an asylum try and fill out a visa to go to America oh my god literally like can I be honest with you please

Neil Wilson my stepdad thrives on forums like that he absolutely loves them if you text him and said Neil I really am having

mental health issues filling out this forum for New York could you possibly do it for me he would do it if you want him to do your if you want him to do your taxes

he loves that shit that's right up the street he adores it I'm telling you he did all my kids passports and he loved it he wouldn't leave me alone

actually drove me mad towards the end and he was only asking for a picture he's such a it's because he's such a dad do you know what I mean imagine I rang Neil

I was like hey it's Joanne he's like who I was like it doesn't matter listen I have a lot of paperwork to get through at the moment Neil and I've heard you're the man

the American views of Vogue I swear to God I was like they want your fucking birth weight they want the day you lost

your virginity like the detail I can't get I can't get over the amount of detail they want Joanne I think you just need to

cancel the tour in America then so pull your socks up get the form filled out honestly there's no

I'm in the process of doing a worse form than that I'm looking for to get a refund on a window in my house because the seal

has broken on it imagine how boring that is we're trying to make you relatable stop letting people know you've got windows Welcome to my therapist I did the late Late on Friday.

Oh yeah, how'd it go? Well, well, well. I had a great time. I'll tell you what. I love Ryan Turbiddy. Amber has openly admitted that she fancies Ryan Turbiddy. She's a lesbian, but she fancies Ryan Turbiddy. Ah, yeah.

He's so nice. He's lovely. I had the nicest time, so I got there and I don't I always have to have a drink before I go on so I had a drink and a half before I went on and then I came off and Amber arrived from her work party and she'd been there since four and she was kind I was just like oh my god Amber is in an absolute hula hoop. Anyway, we stayed on. Ryan came out.

We stayed drinking with Ryan until about half one in the morning. Yes. Do you think I remember one moment of getting home? So I got the taxi. What is going on with you at the moment? Like, you're like, I've never known someone to take such a turn at such an old age. Like, who suddenly becomes crack at 39? It's bananas. 37, get lost.

I'll tell you what happened, right? I can't handle my drink. My friend was like, you had like five drinks, Max. So I got in the taxi to go home. Obviously fell asleep. Hold on. No, sorry. Back up now.

Tell us about the late night. Tell us about the interview. What did they ask you? Did you plug the pod? Of course I plugged the pod. One of the main reasons I'd been on there. The main? The fucking holy.

Come on, let's be honest. I know. I'm the same. Anywhere. What? Jump for the stars. stars needs a nudge it's Christmas time so I had some

quiet reading with Ryan on the show did they introduce you as the celebrated child author did they introduce you as that that's exactly what

they said were you watching Ryan had me on he had me out with my book and I was asking the audience yeah I was asking

the audience I was like can you see the stars on the ceiling and the audience were pointing it out so I went on talked about my book

bit about my tan wore the best jumpsuit in the whole world the one that you thought looked like a circus but because I'm tall it didn't look like a circus and yeah

so anyway I started drinking after it and then got in the taxi home. Amber said I then tried to fall asleep on the kitchen floor and then Spencer was ringing me. Obviously I didn't see it I woke up as a 37 year old woman

in my jumpsuit in my sister's bed Focus, do you know isn't she so cute? Like she delivers this like she's joined ACDC In my jumpsuit, in my sister's bed. Focus. Do you know, isn't she so cute? Like she delivers this like she's joined ACDC. Like this is the most rock and roll moment. I woke up fully clothed. I passed out after three drinks at 10pm.

Horrified. It was 2am, thank you. My whoop told me so. Spenny was looking for me as well he couldn't find me she's so cute Spenny thought I was still out

there I was lying in Amber's bed and I only woke up because she kept trying to spoon me and I was like what is that like attacking me

oh that's so cute it wasn't cute Jo will you be my sister you can have Amber sisters are the best the cutest thing about Vogue and Amber wasn't cute Jo will you be my sister you can have Amber aww em sisters are the best the cutest thing

about Vogue and Amber and I love their relationship so much is Vogue was giving out not giving out about Amber she was fighting with Amber

one day and she was telling me she was fighting with Amber and em she was like I never got an apology for that but anyway

go on well which one for God's sake you fight all the time anyway they were fighting and then I was like, listen, I was listening to her and I was like, yeah, yeah.

Do you know when you're like, just kind of like, yeah, I'm sure you'll sort it out, blah, blah, blah. And then I was like, look, let's go to this party, blah, blah. And she goes, yeah, cool. Put Amber down.

She's going to want to come. And I was like, that's so cute. You're not even talking to her, but you know she has to come. She's just part of the package, which we love that she's part of the package. She's the package. She's the sellotape on the package. I love it so's part of the package she's the package she's the sellotape

on the package I love it so much she's a little witch though she is a little witch like even like even now right I was rushing around trying to get the podcast

and I had loads of stuff to do today and like I wanted there was loads of cooking left on the counter and I was like will you just put that away no no

she's downstairs because she likes to take two and a half hours getting ready I'm not even joking you've seen it Joanne two and a half hours she spends getting herself ready for joking you've seen it you are two and a half hours she spends getting herself

ready for a night out anyway you're an interesting mix because you are quite like when you want something done it gets done

yeah but she's well you know what she's not too bad but she just jeez she'd be more like me I think

no not really no you've been in Amber's company when you're leaving messy stuff around. Oh yeah, no, you're right. She's a total, she's an absolute... Tyrant. She's a tyrant, yeah.

We can say tyrant, actually. That's a good one, yeah. Can we finally, finally, finally do the cheating thing? So how did you find out you were cheated on? Do you want me to start with the worst one that I've ever heard in my whole entire life? And I would like to say, right, this was 20 years ago before anyone tries to go for me.

Are you ready for this, Joanne? Yes, please. Okay. Vogue, my ex-boyfriend cheated on me with you. That is real life. 20 years ago. I told you she was a slug.

What did I say before she logged on? She's a slug. I said, what? No! Who was he? Oh my god. I'm so sorry. She said, ha, it's No. Who was he? Oh my God. I'm so sorry. She said, ha, it's okay.

It was years and years ago. You were friends with beep. We were at a house party. I'd say it was 15 years ago. I think it was 20 years ago because I was, uh, I was with somebody else then. So I'm hoping it wasn't 15 years ago. I left early on my ex stayed on and you guys got together. Jesus. I said, oh my good God.

I'm so sorry. I don't remember him at all. I hope you face him. Lovely now. And she said, I'm glad you don't remember him. He's a sap. Yes, I have a lovely man now. Love you and Joanne. Best of luck with the tour. So Joanne, I hope you don't mind. I'll offer her tickets to any goddamn night she wants to come with her new fella. Jesus, Vogue.

You're a slaggy past. We're not going to have a ticket to sell. We're going to be fucking down every ticket to everyone. I honestly couldn't. And then, do you know what? I thought of another story. That was not my fault.

The box office is going to have a lane for like Vogue Road, my boyfriend. Like everyone who Vogue fucked over, you queue there for free tickets. Excuse me, Jo Joanne this was before I'd even had sex I did not goddamn ride him

are you mad I said fucked over not fucked no you said you said this is a queue for Vogue who rode my boyfriend I didn't have sex

I didn't have sex when I was 17 thank you very much I know you lost your virginity at 25 to a lobster we know that Vogue we know the story.

Okay, Joanne, horse lover. Oh my God, I just don't want anyone to write anything mean about me. Please! It was when I was 17. I didn't know they were together and Joanne made me do it.

She's the real whore in this. You can't call me a whore. You can't slut shame me it's only 2023 I could literally ride Neil in front of you and you can say

a fucking thing about it if you're going to speak about Neil like that he will not do your forms it's called it's called sexual positivity alright

recognise oh my god stop I felt really bad saying that because people like to i mean even if it was 17 years ago we all did that at 17 no one belonged to anyone i tried no fucking did i tell you did did i say my cheating story how i found out i was cheated on i did didn't i the other time

do you remember like the main time oh the main time okay so i actually found out because loads of people had mentioned it and I was like, oh no, it's not true. I'll ask him. I'll ask him. I'll ask him. Anyway, asked him and completely denied it. And then about a year later, I found out solid, pure evidence. Like we'd already broken up and I just texted him. I was like, you absolute wanker. I was like, you completely lied to me. Yeah, of course. And cheated on me. And he was literally like, oh, well we weren't together then. I'm like you absolute wanker I was like you completely lied to me and cheated on me and he was literally like oh well we weren't together then I'm like I was on holidays with you

we were together absolute wanker everyone's a scumbag I remember I found out I was cheated on well I mean I you know to this day I'll never know the details but I'm pretty sure it was you know it's just so annoying

who knows what he was up to he was up to all sorts but I'm pretty sure it was you know it's just so annoying who knows what he was up to, he was up to all sorts but I do remember I came home from, I was doing the Edinburgh Fringe and I came home and there was a hair in, a black long hair in the bed and I was, God I look back at myself then, I was like oh Jesus

I was a bit thick really to be honest but anyway, I kind of just pretended I didn't I just kind of pretended you know you talk yourself out of something yeah you think you're mad but you know what

what I will say no no no wait wait wait then we were getting stuck in as I like to say and he did this he had basically

all these like I'm not going to go into the details new moves new moves yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah oh no yeah he tried to do something to me

that we'd never done before that I was like yeah and I was like what the fuck and it was it was so by rote on his part

like he'd been you know what I mean like it was like he'd obviously been doing it kind of really because Edinburgh's a month long Edinburgh Festival's a month long he'd had a month's practice

on the new move yeah and I was like whoa what happened was it a good move I was like I don't

you could think about forgiving it if it was a good move as I pulled the goldfish out of myself I said where the fuck did that come from

as I removed the spatchcock chicken from my ass I said excuse me I never consented to that yeah yeah yeah yeah

and I still stayed and like oh god anyway whatever yeah but I yeah and I still stayed and like oh god anyway whatever yeah but I the thing I love about these cheating stories is that everyone feels

like a gobshite but none of us are gobshites and the amount this is the thing no one is and do you know what everyone cheats everyone stays

it's grand but the amount of messages I got of girls and they tell me these horrendous stories and they'd be like and I stayed and I'm like

I could not understand more they tell me these horrendous stories and they'd be like and I stayed and I'm like I could not understand more go back out of albums oh favourites here we go that's why it takes her so long to have ever found them Jo

we figured it out yeah but she won't remember she's so techy Joanne of course she's gonna remember I'm practically Elon Musk so oh yeah this is the blaming the blaming of other people She won't remember. She's so techie, Joanne. Of course she's going to remember. I'm practically Elon Musk. Oh yeah, this is the blaming.

The blaming of other people. The blaming is the funniest part. Hi Joanne, don't want to write it under the post because both the girl and my ex are on Instagram. Anonymity would be great, etc. Blah, blah, blah. Okay. Basically, I was getting into his bed and her hair got in between my toes.

Oh no. Oh, no. Also, the pillow smelt of perfume that wasn't mine on another occasion. Change the sheets. Not to mention knickers in the drawer beside the bed when I went snooping. He blamed his daughter. Then my friend saw him up behind him with someone and he said it was his dog. I stayed Yes I need therapy

Oh no Cheating bastard This is another one Cheating bastard Now ex-husband Was messaging escorts On a hooker website Asking for anal and oral sex

And messages popped up On his phone While he was outside And our two year old Was watching a train video On his phone Oh my God. Why?

Like why? Also, he was so drunk he didn't make the birth of our second child. And when the first baby was born he ate my fucking hospital toast. Now I thought that was actually the worst part of the whole story.

I've never given birth. And even I know a woman's hospital toast is sanctity. Like you don't touch a woman's hospital toast after she gives birth. Don't touch the toast. What an arsehole.

Yeah. She says midwives were absolutely gobsmacked. Oh, he's a sicko. Here's another one. How did you know your partner was cheating? I knew because he left one morning to go to work and never came back. That was just that? Gone. And then announced he was having twins. I knew because he left one morning to go to work and never came back. That was just that? Gone?

And then announced he was having twins with a Twinkie from Lowestoft three months later. Jo, what's a Twinkie? That little donut thing. I don't think anyone refers to anyone as a donut, do they? Anyway, I knew because he left and never came back and then announced he was having twins with a Twinkie from Lowestoft.

I had reported him missing and everything oh my god that is so mean yeah yeah oh god this is

this one this one's so old school I obviously I laugh at all of them because we all laugh together that's what we do go on the laughter dilutes the pain

I knew he was cheating because he came home one morning and he changed his cladder ring we all laugh together. That's what we do. Go on. The laughter dilutes the pain. I knew he was cheating because he came home one morning and he changed his clatter ring around the other way. Jo, do you understand? Do you know what a clatter ring is? No, I'm afraid I don't need educating. A clatter ring is...

It's an Irish ring. Yeah, it's basically... The hard face is in if you're in love and the hard face is out if you're in love and the hard face is out if you're not in love. And it's, you know, we live and die by those things. It's kind of...

Imagine... It's quite the statement piece. So he changed his clattering. Like it is, it's ultimately like... A wedding ring. It's like a wedding ring, yeah. You do look at the direction of it.

Honestly, I don't think a wedding ring matters to either of the sexes. Seriously. Really? No, I don't think so honestly I don't think a wedding ring matters to either of the sexes seriously really no I don't think so I don't think I don't think it puts anyone off

it doesn't make a difference it would put me I would I look for if I think someone's hot I'll look for a wedding ring straight away yeah well true

well that's I would because you're because you're a nice person but I don't really think men are going to care if someone's wearing a wedding ring

sorry that's mean that's mean not all men would be like that sorry Jo for speaking out of turn there about your about your gender right

that's okay mate you're alright that's alright mate I wouldn't trust Jo anyway here's one of my favourites okay go on Joanne

after having my suspicions for a while I found news of his assistant at work on his phone when confronted I love the excuses, they're the best he told me that they had been doing a fitness challenge

together and that the provocatively posed nudes photos were in fact progress pics oh, imagine the lie oh sorry, she was just working out her flaps your man needs to set up your man needs to do he needs a pulitzer prize that's incredible my ex gave me crabs and tried to say i could have been from sleeping in my nephew's bed who was 10

i am sorry like i am i don't mind that I was cheated on at all I'm actually very happy about it now because I'm not with that turd ball but like if someone gave me crabs I'd have it

like I would because I'm frightened of crabs anyway I'm frightened of like sea crabs if I've got crabs on my pants there's a real problem there

like I would have to run like I'm terrified of my kids getting nits because the thought of getting nits is I'll have to like shave my head or something. I'll have to get all my stenos out. I can't stand the thought of something small like that in my head eating me.

It frightens me. I don't think crabs are like literal kind of crustaceans. They're like baby crabs. No, Vogue, no. Google it there, Jo, will you? No, I'm not Google. I don't want that on my Google searches. There's too much weird shit on there

anyway no they are something like that but I don't think I think they're kind of going extinct now crabs I forgot to tell you

what happened to me this week I was violently ill again so I've been pretty much sick for nearly 10 days heard the pukes missed

winter wonderland my place of dreams with the kids. Spenny brought home a gold banana because I wasn't there to watch out. Don't worry.

I'm going to Winter Wonderland tonight. Sorry, Vogue. Firstly, we're going to have to address your addiction to Winter Wonderland. Frankly, it's weird.

And secondly... I'll only have been twice. I'll only have been twice. That's two times too many in my opinion. And secondly... Unless it's on in January which I'm not sure yet

Two boys rescued from London Winter Wonderland ride after in inverted commas bungee snaps Two boys actually rescued from a fairground ride at Winter Wonderland

when the cage they were strapped into crashed into a mast leaving them suspended in the air I will tell you one thing. I saw that. What? Saw it happen

or saw it happen? No, I went on that ride when I was there about three weeks ago. I went on that bungee ride. I'll tell you what, I won't be going on that tonight. All I'm looking out for, right, I'm going on the Walters. I'm going to go on the ice ride. I'm going on all the shit I'm going to go to the Ice Ride I'm going on

I'm going on all the shit I missed because Theodore was too small I'm going on everything not that ride though everything except that their shoe cracked they hit 13 there were screams and shouts

when the spherical cage with the boys in it clattered into the mast supporting the slingshot ride at the fair the boys were left dangling in the cage in the incident

but were rescued unharmed if I was Winter Wonderland, I'd be like, that's an extra 20 pounds, please. You've had the time of your life. I'm not giving you your money back. I'd go to Winter Wonderland. They were rescued unharmed. That's amazing.

Do us a favor, because we've got a tour next year. Just go to Winter Wonderland and do the coin machine. You only put a pound in and just the coins come back and forth. Just keep it safe, okay? Do you know what?

When I was really sick this week, I actually thought to myself, I was like, can you imagine I was pregnant sick this week I actually thought to myself I was like can you imagine I was pregnant she'd have my head touch wood she'd have my head I was just glad

when it turned into like full on vomiting I was like okay I'm not pregnant just tell me bug I did think about it I did consider it when I was sick

I was doing the fairy ad and every take I had to go click and just sit down on the ground because my tummy was so sore so I did

because it's not click clack anymore do you want just a click told you oh how very 2023 I know how minimalist full cardboard box just does a click

very clever listen if Ferry aren't paying anything they're not getting on this pod move on I'm shocked Ferry don't mind you talking about them I didn't get fired you mentioned them before

and I wasn't fired I'm shocked they're actually sound wait till they hear the bonus app. Fucking go to town on them. Let's ruin this. So Lottie Moss, right,

woke up from a drunken night out with a tattoo across her face, like on her cheek. Did anyone see that? You saw it? I saw it, yeah. Looks great. Yeah.

So she woke up with a tattoo on her face and it got me thinking like what random crap because it is the time of year what's it called the goblin time of year what have you woken up with

in like or on your person or anything after night out that you're like how did that like Joanne I'm hoping for amazing

things off you I woke up one day I had gone to remember the crawdaddies that nightclub remember

yeah so I have said it before but I woke up with a soap dispenser in my bag covering absolutely everything I owned and yeah

came home with that that's very funny I can't believe that nothing has happened to you like I did the soap dispenser no

so I've I remember stories growing up like my friend Aisling. Like she woke up, her phone was I'll never forget it. So me and Aisling she's one of my best friends. We've been friends since like we were, you know, primary, secondary, the whole way up. Aisling, Aisling, Aisling. I'm not godmother to her child.

Oh, Aisling, I love Aisling so much Aisling's so great although she's got Aisling she's got another one in her nails coming out in January so I'm like Aisling was a clever girl

if you think she's going to make you godmother after what you did at the church sorry someone sent me an article going oh can you believe this some newspaper in Ireland wrote Joanne McNally misses godson's christening to get a facial I was like that is not

what happened that's what I said excuse me I told the story from start to finish on the late late and I told every bit of truth did you? every bit of truth you wagon did you tell them it was the passport it was Joanne it was not

it was Joanne you are you telling me you had time to sit at lunch for two hours? Yeah, I'm telling you, I had no passport. You knew you'd lost. You're mixing it up to suit yourself now. Jo, cut this. Cut it. You have nothing left.

I won't be outed like that. She's actually changed the story in her head. That's why she doesn't care. It was a real problem, Vogue. I had to rush to the airport. No, you didn't. You sat at lunch for two hours enjoying yourself. She knows me so well.

Listen, I don't want to talk about it. Something very personal happened to me, okay? And I don't want to talk about it. Oh, was it family circumstances? It was family personal circumstances. And I don't want to talk about it. Oh, was it family circumstances? It was family, personal circumstances and I don't want to talk about it. It was mental health.

I don't wish to be asked about it. I don't wish to be asked about it. Okay, fine, fine. Please do keep sending your lovely emails to mtgmpod at gmail.com. Honestly, it's really difficult to remember that. MTG, oh, also, sorry, also.

Hello, hello, mtgmpod. It's hard to remember. You didn't, you didn't remember. Do you want to do, guess the headline? Yeah, please. Do you want to do guess a headline? Yeah, please. Okay.

A woman who blank to her dog accused of animal abuse. Sorry, a woman who what? Woman who blank to her dog accused of animal abuse.

What's the blank? Well, I mean, you know what I'm going to say so I'm not going to say that because you're setting me up for bestiality jokes which I'm not going to do because I'm not going to be

walked down that road again. Were you going to say wank well obviously of course a woman who Winston's not allowed to sit beside Joanne anymore like I saw you when you were up here

for Sunday brunch if any dog could do with a wank it's fucking Winston you'd be you would be lucky anytime also pets

on his little lipstick comes out I'm like oh so woman who to her dog accused of animal abuse

the answer is applied green dye did you not see that woman who made her dog

it was brilliant to be honest the amount of shit that's done to animals and like I kind of

think dyeing his hair green I look it's not great it's a bit it's like it's a bit self serving. The dog's probably not having a ball but it's not painful. No it's non-toxic dye. He was dressed up as the Grinch for Christmas

and it was enjoyable for the rest of us. If Winston was a white dog he would be every colour of the rainbow. I'm surprised he doesn't have extensions and eyelash. I have put a few stennas in after. If he was a white dog, he would be every colour of the rainbow. I'm surprised he doesn't have extensions and eyelash. I love him. I have put a few stennas in. If he was a white dog,

he would be, can you imagine the amount of ultra dark tan bear by Vogue that poor bastards have on him? I actually trim his ears. Do you know that? I am telling you, I'm going to take a picture

before and after of Winnie. It will look like he's been in to get his bits done. It looks like he's been on the talks. Because if I take a picture of you pre-trimming of the ears and after, he loses at least six years. I'm telling you, he loves it. I mean, look, I think it's really cute that you cut Winston's ears. I wouldn't be supporting of people dying their dogs, to be honest.

I just think it's unnecessary. However, what I will say is what's the difference in fucking dying a green then grooming it and turning its clipping its tail

into a cloud? I don't really understand the difference. I thought he looked quite cute. Okay, the next one. You ready? Yeah. Woman who married a ghost

says he ruined their honeymoon by Oh, I saw this Oh I saw this I saw Was it paying for nothing? By making her pay for everything I'm like I'm pretty sure I fucking I went out with that lad before she married him

We've all gone out with that lad It's nice going out with someone when they like you know pay for shit and stuff but someone when they like, you know, pay for shit and stuff, but like, there's a line, you know what I mean?

Yeah. The line for me is, Spenny is off just stupidly allowing me to use his omics and it's now stored on my phone. It's stored. It's just stored there.

Oh my God, send it to me. I will. Here's what the actual story was. The woman who happens to be a singer has said that her Victorian ghost husband,

Eduardo, ruins their honeymoon by allegedly drinking too much in Wales and making her pay for everything. What's he supposed to do? Eduardo's a cheapskate, okay? There's no two ways about it. Did she say Victorian ghost?

Yeah, he's from the Victorian times, okay? If I had a ghost, he'd also be from the Victorian times they were very handsome back then although I will say they had fleas and stuff even if he was working

like he's not gonna Victorian like once again he's not gonna come with two shillings for a lifestyle like it's you know

it's not a gower last one Irish born woman to join Japanese billionaire on first ever oh everyone's going to the moon these days

have you heard that Jo everyone's going to the moon civilian flight. Have you heard that, Jo? Everyone's going to the moon. Civilian flight to the moon. It's the new thing. It's the new Tamagotchi. Everyone's going to the moon. So a London photographer has beaten more than

a million rivals to clinch a place on the first civilian trip to the moon. Rhiannon Adam, 37, who was born in Cork, love Cork, and is based in Hackney

is amongst eight artists. But you know what? If I was on a free flight to the moon, you wouldn't see me there. Not once. No, not a hope in hell. Do I want to go to the moon?

I've no interest. I don't care. I don't want to see Mars. I don't want to go there. I think you're being unfair to yourself. Imagine you, your ring light. Imagine the content you got up there. You'd be fucking strung out in the place.

I would go to the moon if I could have my own suit and be put out in the air for a while to get moon if I could have my own suit and be put out in the air for a while to get proper content imagine the content of your new gym gear on Mars

with the ring light and all come on hashtag leopard branch hashtag collab with God I actually read this article recently and it was

kind of sad but it was by some guy who'd been to space I can't remember who it was I know you're just kind of reading all this shit online I can't remember who it was, I know you're just kind of reading all this shit online, I can't remember who it was but he was saying the biggest feeling he had when he went to

space was, can you guess? So he was like, he assumes that when he went to space that he would feel all these like joy and ecstasy and euphoria and everything and do you know what he said he felt? Bored. No. Close Jo, sad. Why sad? Because he said he felt? Bored. No. Close, Jo. Sad.

Why sad? Because he said he looked down at Earth and he said it was kind of philosophical really and he was saying like he thought about what we're doing to it

when it comes to kind of like the environment and each other and stuff and he just said he just felt very sorry for Earth and sorry for the people on it.

I guess it's like it's almost like hindsight except he's in the present do you get me? like he's looking at it we seem kind of almost pathetic in size and pathetic

in what we're doing I don't know I thought it was really interesting I was like wow he was like I just felt really sad I was telling Spenny that Guinness

have like an 8,000 year lease on their plot in Dublin and he turned around and he said the world won't be here in 8,000 years. I thought that that was sad.

I think what we need to start doing we shouldn't talk to our parents anymore. It's their fault. We shouldn't what? We shouldn't talk to our parents anymore.

They're to blame. Well do you know what the huge you know what the the biggest issue with the planet is what kids

having kids so Joe Joe is this a nice time to announce you're having a child because yeah it's as good a time as any

yay congrats to Joe not exactly how I envisaged it happening but let's get it out there Joe and his wife, Josie, are joining the ranks of ruining the earth.

Fair play, guys. Here's a bugaboo. Speaking of which, Joe, I've got a breast pump for you. Thanks, mate. I'll pick it up soon. Joe, I'll tell you this. Delighted for you and all that shit,

but if you fucking start talking about a child in this podcast, I will leave and set up another one. I can't be having two parents. You won't even know they exist. They? Are you having twins? No, a boy or a girl?

No, I don't know if they're a boy or a girl. I've no idea. You won't know if it exists. Well, look, just saying to you now, they're saying the biggest... Vogue, do you know the size of your carbon footprint? A, you eat meat, and B, you've got 12 children

and there's no sign of you stopping. Guys, something amazing just happened. Please say you got your period. No, I still haven't got my period. Oh my God. Something even better just happened. I really didn't want to go out tonight. Someone cancelled a plan.

Yeah, someone cancelled a plan. They cancelled the plan I didn't want to go out tonight So bad There's nothing better There's nothing better No one Basically the lesson today is

Everyone cheats And everyone loves Cancelling plans And no one ever wants to go Anywhere with anyone Like it's We're all the same Oh god

God no Amber's Amber's downstairs Getting ready for the last Two and a half hours I've got to go with her to where? my favourite place on earth

but I'm really tired China? no Winter Wonderland oh sorry I was like your sweatshop I don't understand where you're going there's no sweatshop

where I get my stuff from right? honey bunny okay there's no sweatshop where I get my stuff from right honey bunny okay bye Vogue miss you bye Joanne bye listeners thank you for listening

this pod has I know I was trying to anyway bye Vogue I said it we have some dates on sale

we've still got some dates on sale we've got an Apollo on sale we're putting up a Glasgow a Newcastle oh my god Joanne the last time I was in Newcastle

honestly it was another time I don't remember going to bed so I'm very much looking forward to coming back there Glasgow great crack they do the best curries

in the world I think we should do more Glasgow Glasgow get it Joanne I'm part Scottish because Neil's Scottish I know we're not blood related but still I'll take it

Vogue that's cultural appropriation you might as well be wearing dreads you can't say that okay Joanne just because you're jealous because you don't have a Scottish stepfather sorry my father was English

and he died thanks Vogue thank you okay my dad was Irish and he died but the fact that you didn't have a backup is your own problem that's your own doing

I'm adopted I'm literally a backup, baby. God. And he went to Australia. Say bye. Happy Christmas. Thank you so much for listening. Please keep sending your emails

into hello at mtgplot. I was banged in a phone box in a basket. Jesus Christ. Bye. And I had no eyes and no teeth the stork brought you down

stop that stop that Bye.