My Therapist Ghosted Me - The Duvet, Coldsores & Christmas

Episode Date: December 23, 2022

In the last instalment of MTGM before the festive madness hits full swing, Vogue & Joanne compare Christmas day plans, thirsty captions, catching coldsores and doing too many workouts (even for Vogue...) If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! Remember to check the venue websites as well as Ticketmaster! For more information about Joanne's gigs, just visit www.joannemcnally.comThank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Ghosted Me with me, Bo Williams and Joanne McNally. Now, if you were thinking you might want to buy a little last minute Christmas present, we'd be more than happy to help you. We still have some tickets on sale. We've got some for Glasgow.

We've got a new date in Newcastle. We've got some Apollos left for the 15th and 17th of September. And sure, if it would make a good present

for someone, there you go. Come and see us. We'd love to see you. We're very excited. Do you know what you'd be great at, Vogue? You'd be great doing

the traffic news. I'd love to do that or the weather she's very kind of reassuring confident speaker and we've got some tickets out for Glasgow

and and and we've got some clouds coming in some precipitation expected and while I'm at it Jo and I had a fantastic day out

last year at the National Comedy Awards and thanks to you we got nominated and this year we have been long listed again so we would really love if you would go and vote for us for the National Comedy Awards and thanks to you we got nominated and this year we have been long listed again so we would really love if you would go

and vote for us for the National Comedy Awards please, we'll have a great day out I'd quite like to win that award Joe do you know this like notorious Irishism that we say bye on the phone 19 times when we're gone do you know about this? Yeah, I've picked up on this.

I didn't know about it before, but I have, I'm aware of it now. I was in Killarney the other day and, you know, people are, because I did a couple of shows there. So people in the town, some of them are coming to the show. So you're stopping having chats with people, blah, blah. And this older woman, she's like, excuse me. And she's like waving at me from across the road. And I was like, here we go now.

Get in for the photo. She comes over and she's like running across the road. And she goes, I'm so sorry to bother you. And I was like, you're a grand. You're a grand. I live for this shit actually. Bother away. No one in Dublin gives a shit.

Is everyone seeing this? Yeah. Is everyone seeing this yeah is everyone seeing this Alan this woman knows me yeah and then she goes I'm after losing my husband

you wouldn't ring him off your phone would you I've no way I've contacted him I was like excuse me she was so cute anyway I was like

of course no problem so she rang him off my phone she's like rang him off my phone she's like Stephen come back

and meet me. I'm where you left me. I'm at the hairdresser's, blah, blah, blah. But then she was like, bye-bye. When she started the byes towards, she finished the byes. I was like, I'm going to have to charge you for that call because I have a UK number

and you just took 20 minutes to say goodbye to your husband saying the same word. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye. It was like, I was like, is my brain glitching? Like what? I've never seen anything like it. Bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye- like, is my brain glitching? Like what? I've never seen anything like it. Bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye. I was trying to fucking grab the thing off her.

I was like, that's my, that's data. That's my data. Would you stop it? So you're there, you're home, you're in Dublin. You're not in London. Your duvet is still in my house. I forgot about the duvet. You didn't forget about the duvet because I texted you the other day, Jo.

You know I don't read your texts. Four pillows, a duvet, a fitted sheet. I just, I have, how many people live in my house and now I'm storing Joanne's shite. Excuse me. They're not shite. Excuse me. They're not shite. They're those expensive pillows that you gifted to me. And I've now gifted them back. Hashtag sustainability, babe.

How long are they living here for? Well, I'm back around May, June. Yeah. It's not happening. If anybody is looking for a new duvet shit, Bye, bye, shit, shit, shit, bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.

If anyone is looking for a new duvet set, four pillows. Put them on one of your choppers. Chopper it over. Stick it to the roof of your chest. I'll put it on the orange chopper. It'll be over next week.

You know the orange one with the polka dots? Just hang it, you know the way they do. You know the way when they rescue people or whatever, they pull them in off strings. just hang it you know the way they do you know the way when they rescue people or whatever they pull them in

off strings just hang it on the string on the end of your chopper just drop it off and then it's Gary someone will collect it okay Grant that's what I'll do

I'll tell the pilot now actually yeah tell the pilot the other one's busy from the other helicopter and then the third one is actually up north at the moment

the fourth one we actually haven't seen in a while we've misplaced it just throw it over you're ripped it'll probably land there's so many helicopters we've misplaced it. Just throw it over. You're ripped. It'll probably land. There's so many helicopters.

We've misplaced them. Think of it like a kettlebell. Just fucking toss it over to Ireland. I never want to think of a kettlebell again. Right? Go on. At the moment. John and I are filming something.

It's a long-winded project that's going to take quite some time. But I have worked out probably like two hours a day for the last five days. And I am absolutely battered. Like I've never known pain. Like if I want to wee, forget it. I just have to wee standing up. It's just better like that. I can't.

I've learned how to wee standing up because I can't sit anymore. So firstly, we'll get to the long-winded project because I can't believe you just something in the pipeline to us. We are your friends and you just something in the pipeline to me and Jo, which is disgusting. Something really exciting coming. Something really exciting.

Can't talk about it, guys. Well, I actually can't. My pipeline is chock-a-block. Well, I've got something super exciting coming up in 2023. Can't talk about it. Can't talk about it, yeah. In the pipeline. Need a colonoscopy.

Something in the pipeline. Pipeline is full. Full of projects. Full of hope. But also, the humble brag of I just train for two hours a day. I'm so fit.

I can't piss on my own anymore. It's disgusting. For someone in my predicament. I, when I say like my lifestyle in the last year has been grotesque. But the last month in particular, it's like,

do you know, when you know you're coming to the end of the year? Yeah. Well, Joe, I started training for two hours a day. Yeah. I'd like to turn off her microphone.

I'd like to speak to a human Joe, you know, the way I like to speak to a human, not a robot. Um, you just come into the end of the year and you're just like, fuck it. Do you know?

It's kind of like that. It doesn't matter. So I haven't, I don't think I've even done like a I haven't even done a little you know the little power walks that sometimes you kind of do just to kind of get out there done nothing to the point where I was sitting down this morning uh doing a bit of work and Alan came in with a protein shake and he was like you're drinking nothing now this makes it sound like he's coercively controlling me but he's like you're going to die you're drinking nothing but protein shakes as in like as part of your diet and I was like oh my god it's gone really it's gone really bad it's bad now so

I'm on I'm on I'm on a fitness journey again now I'm I think I'm hopping off the fitness train now for a little while I definitely need a break after after that. Do you know what else happened then today? So after finishing those days and days of exercise, when I was like, I'm just going to sit in my arse, Caroline arrived. Now I did actually beg them to come before Christmas. And then I didn't realize that they were actually able to do it. They're a moving company, by the way.

And when I say they were like, the stuff kept coming off. I was like, you're taking the piss. That's not mine. That can't be mine. Hold on, folks. Sorry. Sorry. Again, the stuff kept coming off. I was like, you're taking the piss. That's not mine. That can't be mine. Hold on. Sorry. Sorry. Again,

again, bit of context. Where are you moving to? Who? So, so we were doing up Joanne's house downstairs, my basement. We were doing it up for her.

And now all this stuff got moved out and now it's all being moved back. And I realized how like, honestly, that's why I'm like trying to flog stuff off to jail. I'm like, do you have that for the baby now? I'll give you that. I have a few bits for the baby. I need to get rid of it.

Oh, really? I'm doing a cleanse. I'm cleansing my life. And your duvet is being cleansed. Do you know, I actually got an eye twitch when I saw the duvet on the floor. I was like, it'll never be clean. What? It'll never wash?

It'll never be clean it'll never wash it'll never be clean just strewn across my bloody dressing room which sounds very unrelatable anyway so that was horror working out

speaking of speaking of Caroline Caroline who I mean Kevin Carey Kevin Carey Kevin Carey absolute sound man

he moved my stuff back from London to Dublin and I was unpacking it and like they're amazing. They come in like I've spoken about it before

but it's unbelievable. Just pack up everything. But the two lads who did my room like they're young they're good looking strapping lads do you know what I mean?

You're good looking ones now on the truck today. Spenny was even hanging around making sure nothing was going on you know because usually like i'll get out of your way then you're like do you need that in coffee tea strip dance twerk they took a pack of crisps off me that was it yeah they're very low maintenance

they just come in get the job done anyway so i start unpacking here in dublin and like the care they put in it was i unpacked something and it was just one packet of Prozac they'd like wrapped it up like in tissue and paper and everything and I was like they're obviously like this absolute nut job has forgotten her meds

she'll be like frothing at the mouth by the time we get this but then Vogue what did I unpack next? No! No! Joanne! No!

What do you think it is? A dildo! No! I took them with me I'm not a fucking idiot. Well, that would be like you to do something like that. You've got a whole drawer for them.

I didn't think you'd actually get that amount of weight on the plane. How did you get that amount of weight on the plane? Because there was so much, they just buzzed its way on because there was... It blew its cell phone.

So many on, it just... Like, you need to help with your luggage. You know, look what it's going on on its own there. It's grand. I'm operating it from my remote control. You have one of them. But then what am I going to do? Just leave them there? What are you going to help with your luggage you know look at it it's going on its own there it's grand I'm operating it from my remote control you have one of them

but then what are we going to do just leave them there what are you going to do put one in each ear two up a nose you don't know how many vaginas

I have folk you never bothered to ask me because you're self-absorbed okay but listen whatever about the multi-vag situation

didn't I unpack what had they packed very delicately only the fucking spank paddles so i unwrap this dirty little whore daddy's little girl daddy's little slut but one of them might be using as a coaster so they at the other side of the room the other one i don't know where it was so they obviously found them both separately and put them together like like mind

do you know what I mean and I was like oh my god so Joanne can I just say something as well by the way I've been nearly married

five years okay I thought you were going to say five times and I was like I can't keep up oh don't worry I will eventually say that I need those spank paddles

like we've married quite a long time we're running out of things to do I would like a swank paddle. Give it back. It's only one of them is yours. Yeah, I know. Okay. I just want one. That's all I need. You selfish greedy cow. Well, get on to Kevin from Caroline.

See if you can strap it back to you. Kevin, could you possibly pop to Joanne's now? Stick that in the jet. And grab a chopper. Blue chopper. Blue chopper. Iper blue chopper i need my paddle hello hello hello okay yeah bye bye bye okay bye bye bye She also borrowed my watch Right Oh my god it was so funny

We did the We did this gig for Full to Ireland This corporate And I was doing stand up And as always Can we say a lovely corporate By the way

It was actually a lovely corporate Couldn't believe our luck Yeah Full to Ireland was lovely And I Had no watch So I was like Vogue can I borrow your watch She's like yeah sure So I did my 20 minutes a lovely corporate job couldn't believe our luck yeah Fulch Ireland was lovely and I had no watch so I was like

Vogue can I borrow your watch she's like yeah sure so I did my 20 minutes and then I left because Vogue was doing her DJ thing and anyway I was like oh shit her watch

anyway put it in my makeup bag and I was rocking around here just doing my bits and bobs and the watch kind of like rolled out of the makeup bag onto the bed and Alan picks it up

and he's like what the fuck are you doing with the Rolex and I was like huh I was like that's Vogue and he's like what the fuck are you doing with the Rolex and I was like huh I was like that's Vogue and he's like do you know how much

this is worth and you just have it at the bottom of your makeup bag and I was like oh shit I didn't realize I was actually

I was going to say to you and then I was like I don't want to sound like I think she's going to lose it but I think she's going to lose it and it's like it's very very sentimental anyway so she's got it she was meant to drop it back when she was meant to lose it, but I think she's going to lose it. And it's like, it's very, very sentimental.

Anyway, so she's got it. She was meant to drop it back when she was meant to collect the duvets. She didn't take the duvet. She kept the watch. I didn't, I didn't think you,

because I was like, it's so weird. Cause then when, then when I obviously knew it was a Rolex, I was like, she's weird. She hasn't asked me for it.

So I texted you saying, I just want to be rude. I have your, shut up. I swear to God. I thought you would be like she's she just thinks I'm gonna lose it which is exactly what I thought so I was like if she loses it she'll be very unhappy you know well all you'd say all you'd like I would net listen I would never lose it I don't lose things anymore I swear to god I don't lose things I really don't I'm very good at the moment headphones is the only thing i cannot i need them like actually i need them kind of drilled into my ears as keep

safe but no but anyway the watch is here the watch is safe come here to me speaking of things being drilled into your ears right this woman okay i was talking to her and she had hearing loss but she has these hearing aids and basically she can answer her phone and stuff on the hearing aid so she doesn't have to have a phone or anything in her phone and stuff on the hearing aid so she doesn't have to have a phone or anything in her hands and people just think she's walking around talking to herself but like how interesting is that and Elon Musk is bringing out this chip that you'll attach to yourself and basically it has everything that your phone would have in it but would you put it in your head hold on have I not told you about my mother and her hearing aids no so I walk in and my mum is

staring out the window off into the distance like this she looks great and I'm like mummy alright and she wants it it's like

I'm like oh my god she's gone she's got Alzheimer's and it's like it's already at 100 degrees or 100% like it's and I'm like mum

and she goes oh sorry and then she'll tap her ears I was just listening to something I was listening to the radio on my ears

she has those hearing aids they are unbelievable if she pressed them three times garages and the estates start

opening and all she's like fully connected to the house like she is electronic she answers the phone

in her ears I think actually why don't we have anything like that I want that it means that she screams then because she's listening to something in her ears and then also carrying on a conversation with you.

But half the time she just looks like she's kind of lost it because she's kind of goofing off. That was when the dog, did you tell you about the time the dog ate her hearing aids? No. So there are a couple of grand these yokes, like obviously. Each. Each, a couple of couple grand three or four grand anyway

she takes them out at night they disappeared one day just disappeared and you could see you could just tell you just knew the dog had eaten them do you know what I mean

you could tell by her eyes you could just tell she just looked you just knew mom's like they're a couple of grand I was like what are you going to do about it

and she was following the dog around the garden I came down she was following the dog around the garden I was like what are you doing she's like nothing she denies following the dog around the garden I came down she was following the dog around the garden I was like what are you doing she's like nothing

she denies it to this day but I'm pretty sure she was waiting for the dog to pass those hearing aids so I would die for a couple of grand 100% if Winston shot out

two grand you don't think I'd dig through it you'd be hard like think about it even like you know when you see like two euro on the ground

like you're dying to pick it up did you ever used to do that did i tell you when we did that outside um what is the place on just off grafton street there's a pub that we used to go and sit down davy burns is across the road from it's the other one bailey bailey and we used to sit there and someone would have glued a two euro to the ground it was terrible and we used to sit there and watch people honestly two euro for i can't It was terrible. We used to sit there and watch people trying to make money. Honestly, two euro for I can't tell you how many hours of fun.

You do feel slightly shameful. There's some rule, that's why I'm surprised fountains don't get rinsed more, like all the money in them. Yeah, but supposedly you get like, I don't know, you get evil spells cast on you if you steal like that, like the Trevi fountain in Rome. evil spells cast on you if you steal like that. Like the Trevi Fountain in Rome.

You'd be a millionaire if you empty that. I bet you anything they cipher that off. 100% allegedly. Really? It's probably the Vatican probably had so much money. Otherwise it would be completely full. Think about it. So many people have thrown their money in there.

Like they couldn't possibly fit everyone's money. So they just steal the big coins. My dad used to, back in my robin days he used to store all his coins in a big bowl and he was going to give it to Amber

and I at the end of the year well Amber was not getting a goddamn cent of that money so any two euros or euros or 50 cents

if I was really struggling I just pull them all out Amber was just left with like a bag of coppers anyway I have a huge huge like I'm like a 14 year oldpers anyway I have a huge huge like I'm like

a 14 year old lad I have like a huge big jar of coins that obviously Caroline brought back to Ireland but it's full of euro

and pounds so like there's money in it but I was like I don't know can you still bring big chunks of change

not to the bank there's places that have these coin machine things and you just chuck them all in there and they tell you what you're owed and they give it to you I wonder what they do it for

if it's mixed if it's coins if it's you're gonna have to unmix them come on we can't do everything we can't do everything for you

I can't believe you got Caroline did you do did you knock her I said I'll just use it to tip delivery men if we get deliveries from Clapham to knock her I said I'll just use it to tip delivery men if we get deliveries

from Clapham to Enniscarry I'll tip them two pounds so they can go home and use it in their own lounge bit of tour admin tonight's the last go on

do a bit of stand up for us go on not this again go on tell us a joke tell us one of your jokes come on so that doesn't tell us a joke tell us one of your jokes come on so that doesn't sound

like a joke so was the joke that you were saying that it was your last night of touring before Christmas was that the joke you'll stick another one

in there I won't no that's it that's it 20 more Vicar streets on New Year's Eve no but I am adding three more Vicar's which are on Year's Eve no but I am adding

three more Vicar's which are on sale by the time this goes on sale and my second New York date is on sale but I keep posting the wrong link but there is another one

on the third tickets of shows left to sell Melbourne new shows added Wellington Vicar Streets that's it

can you sell them with a bit of oomph come on what the fuck was that I don't know Joanne McNally is on tour the Prosecco Express

she's got some tickets out for Melbourne she's got some tickets out for Wellington Wellington she's even in New York for a second night it's selling fast

so get in there quick she's got some more Vicar's on sale but we all know they go go go go go last minute christmas ideas we've got you covered was that qvc enough that was that was that was really good thank you very much i'm happy to be a last minute dot com christmas present for your aunt you don't like

that much i'll deal with her glaring at me when she's supposed to fucking go to the thing you can tell comics can tell sometimes after we put shows on for sale over christmas those shows sometimes they're like oh these are harder shows because they're you're a present for someone they're not they didn't choose to be there listen your presence is my present happy to slog anyway oh this is what i was gonna say i'm going all over the place but i don't think i don't sell it that well so what i was gonna say is is I have a website called jemalmcnally.com and all the shows are there everywhere I'm going

are there that's how I kind of know where she is I honestly have looked up that many a time to see where you are so something awful happened to me this week

right and do you know what it's like I deserved it because Spencer the poor shite he gets cold sores the odd time

and I've always been so revolted by him like to the point where I'd be like you're not using the same towel as me I just am really freaked out about getting them

yeah you should have been a nurse really I've always said that but go on well what do you think is sitting on my face right now

yep oh I can see it lean in there no it's nearly gone because Benny gave me this stuff called do you know he's been so kind

because I've been like I'm so ugly I'm so ugly and he's like no you're not you're not I have this big like that's it

like gone down do you know what I will say it serves me right what a little cow I was and now I can look forward to these for the rest of my life

and every time I get one I'll think you deserve that you little bitch you deserve it maybe you were you lived another life during the leprosy period

and you're just scared of any kind of like visible infectious disease do you know what I mean it's not great it's not fantastic I mean giving your husband a bell because he's got a cowl

sore does seem a little extreme I just want him to have his own towel yeah like I've been very careful with mine I've been only wiping my face with a tissue it does seem a little extreme. I just want him to have his own towel. Yeah. Like I've been very careful with mine. I've been only wiping my face with a tissue. In fairness, they are highly contagious,

aren't they, Joe? Are you saying that Spencer gave me this? Well, it seems a little bit of a coincidence that he has one and now you have one. That's, no? No, he didn't have one, you see. It must have been the other fella I scored. I knew there was

something funny on his lip but it's a whatever it is once you have it you never lose it it's like me and the rosacea

it was always kind of bubbling under the surface I say this I mean I don't fucking know but I'm pretty sure that is true

it's basically genital warts on your face that's what I heard suppose no it's not is it yeah

great okay fine I've got you no it's not herpes is a different thing herpes is like a cold sore a gentle warts is its own separate thing so herpes is a cold sore so you're acknowledging there is herpes on your face I'm a herp I'm a herp I didn't think I was a herp girl either but it turns out I am happy herpmas happy herpmas Vogue the Williams family Anne was so freaked out by it now as well and every time she pissed me off

I'm just like going over to her like I'm going to touch her like it's snots or something I've never had one but like I say I'm sure it's in the post

but I got away with it I've never had it some people were they were crucified I know I'll tell you what if anyone ever gets

there's this stuff called a cyclivore you have to get it it's a prescription and I swear I've only you what, if anyone ever gets them, there's this stuff called a Ciclovore. You have to get it. It's a prescription. And I swear, I've only actually had this two days and it's nearly gone. Did you see the crazy sex laws

that they're bringing into Bali? No missionary. What is it? So you're not allowed to have sex if you're not married. Unmarried people. Rightly so. In 2020.

And the law's not even coming in until 2025. It's like, why bother? That's two years away. It gives you two years to get married. If you're serious about it, married unmarried people rightly so in 2020 and the law's not even coming in till 2025 it's like why bother that's two years away it gives you two years to get married if you're serious about them you should marry

them that's what I always do have you seen my elf on the shelf I thought we banned this we've done have we not done a

month on elf on the shelf listen I'm tired right it's a very it's a very strenuous job to do elf on on the Shelf. Mine have been parachuting. They've been doing loads of bits of jobs.

Yesterday, yesterday. They went deer hunting. They're going deer hunting tonight. I'm going to drag a carcass in from the butchers. They're playing cricket. Drinking Pimms. Just having a lovely day out. They were at Cheltenham. Oh my God. I might do a Joanne day they were at Shelfnum

oh my god I might do a Joanne elf on the shelf mama yeah do you have more challenges come here and tell them

what you've been doing this is why what did the elf what did the elf write come here stop spitting and get presents yeah

stop spitting and he'll get presents because he's been spitting spitting Theodore no yeah Jo because he's been spitting spitting Theodore no yeah Joanne's really upset now I'm really upset

I just told him to quietly close the door he's going to wake up the baby anyway so yeah we've had a spitting problem in our house

didn't come from my side of the family I'll tell you that much for nothing okay where is he spitting he spits he could be sitting

on the couch he could be sitting on the couch what a be sitting on the couch what a little animal and he'll just go I'll just hear he spat it out the other day

is that what you were teaching him at the christening he's obviously maybe it's like he's isn't that what they say he's acting out I know I know

but anyway I got the elf to write in the chalkboard do not spit so he was kind of taken aback by that so he's isn't that what they say he's acting out I know I know but anyway I got the elf to write in the chalkboard do not spit so he was kind of taken aback by that so he's telling me he hasn't spat all morning

I was in a toy shop the other day oh were you finally getting Otto a present or his presents are in the post on their way

did you see did you see they still have did you see they still have that dog you got to you that looks like Winnie do they I sent you a picture they were having breakfast with the dog the other morning see Josie I do get things at times See, they still have that dog you got to you that looks like Winnie. Do they? I sent you a picture.

They were having breakfast with the dog the other morning. See, Jo? See, I do get things at times. You should get a present in the next... Oh, no, you got him a present already, actually. I organized it. What did I get him? Who did I get him? You got Jo a boogie.

Yeah, Jo, I got Jo... I got Jo... Do they know you're pregnant, Jojo? Yes, we said it in last week's podcast. In probably the worst way ever as well the news being delivered not the getting

pregnant that wasn't the worst way ever it was just the way the news was delivered you're not going to do a gender reveal party Jo are you

of course he is no he's too busy going down on snakes blow blue getter blow blue I saw someone

crack someone gender reveal party the other day they drove a 4x4 into a wall it was just ridiculous anyway so I'm in this toy shop

okay and because I have little people in my life that I need to buy toys for and I was absolutely shocked appalled

etc firstly some of the dolls they look like tiny sex workers they're wearing suspenders and all no they are i swear to god she had tights up to a certain point oh my god she's not lying she's wearing mini skirts and stuff they've got this big bust on them i don't like i mean listen i know i sound like an hound

but i was like come on did barbie have boobs i don't remember yeah barbie had boobs i didn't really play with Barbies. I kind of just liked dolls. But like, even a baby born would set you back. But it's a lovely doll, I have to say. In my day, in my day, I remember the most modern thing was, remember Tiny Tears? And she'd squeeze water out of her eyes. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

And you were like, oh my God, it's the future. She's like, it's like AI. It was like artificial intelligence. It was so impressive. No, there were some dolls in that shop. I honestly, I was like, there's a lost child in aisle three. She's like, it's like AI. It was like artificial intelligence but it was so impressive. No, there were some dolls in that shop. I honestly, I was like,

there's a lost child in aisle three. She's trapped in a box. They're so real. You wouldn't leave them on their own. They'd be abducted. They look like human children.

I'd be like, that doll is so real. It's a danger to itself. It can't be left alone. What did you actually buy? Cocoa melon thing. Okay, that's great.

Great show. Cocoa melon car. I love being organized for great. Great show. Cocoa Melon car. I love being organised for Christmas. I actually, I went on my Christmas party by the way. Yeah, I remember last week

when everyone cancelled except Amber. We went anyway. So me and Amber off we went on our own. To be honest, it's better to go with just one person.

We got five rides. We did five rides. We had five rides. Sorry, I'm sorry. So do you not. And a couple of drinks on a lovely night that's that's our only christmas party though that we had when you say christmas party who are you talking about as in your family no just like in general people have loads of christmas parties oh yeah i haven't had any yet i feel like i'm only coming up for air do you know what i said tonight's the last

show of the tour it's in castle bar i was someone was like it's the last night of the tour it's in Castlebar someone was like it's the last night of the tour and I was like it is I said that's it 2021 done and dusted he's like excuse me 2021 I'm like that child

off flight in the navigator I've lost a hell of a year I'm like get Trump out they're like you've fucking lost your mind it's 2022 we've all moved on Groud is sick

he's just called in sick I've literally run him into the ground now who's going to do your show then Stephen Mullen's going to do it he's brilliant oh my god

poor Gerold now Gerold was on three tours he was on my tour Sarah Millican's tour and his own tour Jesus Christ you wouldn't see as much

complaining out of him huh he's dead he's dead now God love him rest in peace RIP Gerold RIP Gerold well missed you that man you spent the year with oh yeah Gerold next to be fair his dad now God love him rest in peace or I peak you're right we'll miss you that man you spent the year with

oh yeah Grant next to be fair I always think it's 2020 I don't know why it's just 2020 it's like ingrained in my head it just sticks with me

it's 2023 big year for us 2023 yeah we're going to be spending a lot of time together I'm going to show you a different way of touring okay

we're going to be on the Pelly we're going to be going for Clip Walks in Hoth we're going to be on the Pelly. We're going to be going for clip walks in Hoth. We're going to be. How many shows are we doing in Hoth? We're in the Gaelic. It's not that far. I'm going to show you how to tour.

You're going to be strung out. You're going to be. You're going to be. I have not. I've been wearing a track suit. I have not worn a solid pair of clothes. I don't know when the last time I wore solid clothes was. Poor Alan.

I'd say he's like. Just pajamas for life now? And because you have to live out of a suitcase for so long, everything's filthy. Everything's covered in stains. I had a Sainsbury's bag full of like knickers and socks to be washed. I'm just carrying it around the streets of Castle Bar. Like it's, I can't wait to see you on tour.

I can't wait. You're going to be shocked, right? I'm going to show you exactly how to do it the tidy way. Is Dora coming? Because that would be great. I have like little bags that I pack certain things in, like little zippy bags. My mom got me them for Christmas. So everything is like nicely organized.

Vogue, a zippy bag is not going to save you. Okay. Okay, we'll see. It's not going to save you. We we'll see it's not going to save you we'll see it's not going to save are you bringing the kids and all

what's the crack no no I'm stopping breastfeeding soon it's time Amber keeps asking me it's when it gets around that time that Amber's like

when are you going to get him off the tit but I know it's time to get him off the tit what age is Theodore he's like what age is he six five

he can walk and shit I always thought it was a bit odd to be honest I know it's time to get him off the tit. What age is Theodore? He's like, what age is he? Six, five. He can walk and shit. I always thought it was a bit odd, to be honest. Honestly, I've got the month of January and then it's our time is over. Our time has come and I'm happy. It was a lovely time, but I'm ready to have some me time. I haven't had me, like never had me time.

No, you don't have any me time. No. Yeah. Like. You know, have a nice bath session for yourself. And I mean, like, I wouldn't mind. But Amber, like every time I'm like, oh, you do that. She's like, I didn't ask you to have kids. I didn't tell you to have three kids.

I'm like, oh, my God. She's just going to rub this in the whole time. So for Christmas, basically, I was saying to Amber, to amber i was like like obviously we're not working so like one morning like maybe would you get up with the kids just just one morning and she's like no no i didn't choose to have kids and i'm like okay so every morning of a christmas i'm gonna be up between six and seven a.m so it's uh it's spending time for me it's gonna be amazing maybe you could get up and just breastfeed two of them just two of them Amber please Amber has huge boobs she is well hung

she is well hung well hung yeah they are quite incredible actually yeah they're pretty amazing they're quite something can I tell you like I know

you haven't even seen this I put it in the product and I knew you'd probably say no about it because first of all you didn't you didn't respond to any of the pictures

that I sent you like I love Drake the rapper see yeah I didn't respond because I've no interest in him I love him but he's just a non-event to me I don't know why it just doesn't come into my ether I can't only recently i've been like oh my god i think he's the cringiest man on earth and then i looked at his like his page is champagne pappy he calls himself champagne pappy like i thought he was cooler than that and then and then he posted those things right this is my favorite one i know you've no interest but like i just thought it was so funny so he posted a thing a picture of him and his mate on an island, sipping peanuts and mimosas

while you thirsty boys live in La Vida Broca. There's nothing more unattractive than smugness around cash like that. He's so bad. He posted up, right? He showed off his impressive necklace

featuring 42 diamonds that represent engagement rings for the time he's almost proposed he's nearly proposed 42 times nearly proposed

so he bought the rings and then just didn't go through with it I mean I've been married twice but I can't I can't tell you how many times

I've nearly been married I'm only joking I think subconsciously I knew he was a bit of a dope I know but like let's been married I'm only joking I think subconsciously I knew he was a bit of a dope I know but like let's be honest

I was cringe but I did I went into a deep dive right here are some cringy moments of his do you want to do you want to hear

please one of his lyrics you toy with me like a happy meal I get green like earth day and say that you a lesbian

girl me too what sorry cane fall what the hell is that I think get green like Earth Day and say that you a lesbian. Girl, me too. What? Sorry? Cain Farr? What the hell is that? I think, I think I'm not going to buy

his next album. Who's writing this shit for him? This is obviously he's writing it himself. Doesn't make any sense. Do you want to hear some of the... That's a real... Did he just accuse

because a woman doesn't want to be with him that she's a lesbian? Like, are you 14 years of age? Yeah, is that what he did? Oh my God. No, it's's I remember that if you're a lesbian

if you're a lesbian then I'm a lesbian too like what will you score me mate no yeah well you're a rotten anyway that's right yeah

you're a rotten anyway you lesbian there was nothing worse than you'd be waiting for someone to go and ask them to score you and they'd go over and you'd be standing there

watching and then they'd be like no and you'd be like oh it was a mistake I've been hacked yeah it wasn't me I didn't mean for her to go and do that here's some more of his captions right um no such thing as vacation just warmer weather to work in if i ever proposed i know you would

have said no just so you could have one up on me while i'm down on one knee well he sounds like he's got a bit of an attitude problem swear Swear to God I'd question God before I ever questioned the concept of hard work because then I'd be questioning myself and that's just absurd. It sounds like working on the bumper beep beep to be honest. Would you be a fan of his? I'm going to collab with him.

I'm going to collab with him. Are you mad? Working on the goddamn bumper. Beep beep. Living la vida, broca fogan drake the cringe collection i once posted a picture right um and it just said remember that one joanne where it said power nap and i was basically like sprawled on a bed in a bodysuit and it just said power nap i think that i think that was actually the funniest one because she's like still you know she just was actually the funniest one because she's like you know

she just looks like such a riot and she's like lying back and she's kind of she's insinuating are you insinuating you've taken your

makeup off my head wasn't in the picture it was no I only had the bod in and it was like power power nap

like that's along that is along the lines of La Vida Broca it's a Dior like thirst trap it's pretty intense but yeah would you be a drake fan like would you be into him yeah i do i do i once i go through these phases of songs right you would hate my music so i'm currently listening to heady

one he's a new song out and i have to turn it off when spenny comes in because i basically just have it on repeat on spotify because just, I will listen to that song probably about 250 times before I start getting bored of it. He keeps coming in and he's like, I don't understand. Like, why are you listening to this again? And I can't help myself. I have to listen to it and then I start learning the lyrics and then I rap away to myself

in the shower. I just, one of my biggest regrets, I just wish I liked music. I listen to so much music. How do you not like music? I don't listen to so much music how do you not like music I don't listen to music but what if you're walking up and down the stairs and going out for a walk you don't put music on podcasts don't get me wrong I've no interest in my own thoughts but I will I will drain my own thoughts but it's not music it's with chat no so I just especially when I'm on my own in the car and I can listen to my own rap music. Eminem. No. Likes my dream.

No, it's so, it's, yeah, it's, it's a, it's a lack in me. And yeah,

you don't like any. Now look, don't get me wrong. Do you know what I mean? It's Christmas. So I'll probably throw on Spaceman Came Travelling by Chris DeBerg at some stage. Because I, because it's a banging tune,

but like, I'm not averse to music, but I'm not one of these people. I don't, I don't feel anything. Like I don't, sometimes in the gym because I, because it's a bang in tune, but like, I'm not averse to music, but I'm not one of these people. I don't, I don't feel anything. Like I don't sometimes in the gym. I, the annoying thing is when I'm,

when I'm trained, I wish I could listen to podcasts, but I can't because when you're running, it's very hard to motivate yourself unless you're actually listening to music. But I would love to be able to, that's my dream to be able to run listening to podcasts. Oh, you could do that if you're outside.

I think I feel like I just end up I just end up walking I just stop just give up you should see I'd love to have a little calm on Joanne when she goes for a run around the park I'd say you know when you just start running then you're like fuck that you just stop I know I know remember that time we went for a run

together yeah I do I wouldn't say I'm a great winner myself now. I have a laugh in me. Oh, come on. You're pretty good. No, I have a laugh. The only person who cared about me dying in the back was Winnie.

Winnie kept stopping, looking back. And you're like, come on, Winnie. Winnie, leave the dead weight behind. She needs to learn on her own. Spenny said about Winnie the other day he's like when's he going to kick the bucket like a year I was like

no he's in perfect condition he's in perfect condition anyway when he dies you just replace him like Fungie he'll never die he's immortal it'll be Winston 2

Winston 3 Fungie sorry it's a cultural reference Joe it's a dolphin we don't have time to go into it here do you want

because it's obviously Christmas coming up Joe's like are you not interested in Fungie you don't even know F go into it. Here, do you want... Because it's obviously Christmas coming up. Are you not interested in Fungi? You don't even know Fungi. Who do you think you are? Hi, Theodore. Hi.

Happy Christmas. You look gorgeous. Okay, would you put your mummy back in the phone? Put mummy back in the phone. mummy back on the phone what if what if they would just like go mute on the mic there I don't know

it's your face frightens them speaking of men this segue might help make this podcast make some sense going from Drake

I'd like to talk about Jeremy Clarkson gross now during the week in case you missed it he wrote an article for the Sun

about Meghan Markle how he hates her on a cellular level hates her more than Nicola Sturgeon Rosemary West and dreams fantasizes about her

walking naked through the street getting shamed by having human excrement thrown at her and they ran it and

they actually printed those words. Bananas. Like that's the kind of shit. Firstly, Jeremy Clarkson. And it's sad. It's sad to see it so visibly. Clearly hates women, right?

Hates women. But you know what? It's inciting violence on women as well. It's really frightening. Why the fuck do you care, Jeremy? You absolute weirdo. It's pathetic. That's the kind of shit

I wouldn't, if I saw that in a private lads, lads, lads, buzz WhatsApp group, I'd be like, you need psychiatric help. Let alone writing it on a public platform.

And his like, kind of apology that wasn't an apology was so pathetic. But I actually didn't post about it because I felt so angry about it that I was like, I don't want to post about it.

I know everyone has brought attention to it, but like. You don't need to post about everything. But you know what I mean? You're not obliged to post about it because I felt so angry about it that I was like I don't want to post but I know everyone has brought attention to it but like you don't need to post about everything but you know what I mean you're not obliged to post about anything

I know but it's actually to be honest with you I think that like to have allowed him to print that was really bad as well and I mean how can like I

I am indifferent to Harry and Meghan to be honest with you I'm not a fan I'm not a fan you know what I mean I'm just indifferent but I just don't understand

how you could hate someone that you don't know that much like you don't know her you don't know what she's like but it's that's why it's kind of scary

to see that level of misogyny being printed do you know what I mean it's like it blows my mind it's absolutely wild

he thinks she's kind of ruined the royal family or whatever and he's like Harry seems grand but Meghan blah blah blah he didn't even

do you know the way the next day you'd be like oh shit sorry I took an Ambien like that's what everyone says yeah I know

everyone says they took an Ambien he didn't even say he didn't even pretend he took an Ambien like Roseanne Barr he just was like uh oh

apparently it was a Game of Thrones reference which I watched yeah I know it's an old reference come on even his daughter I actually felt sorry for his daughter because she was like uh oh apparently it was a Game of Thrones reference which I watched yeah no I know it's an old reference come on even his daughter I actually felt

sorry for his daughter because she was like do you know what she's a bit sorry about that I'm so embarrassed I don't agree with

any of that shit that he said I follow her and she is a real like for women she is like she's a real

girl's girl she actually always sticks up for Megan yeah so I felt sorry for her too. She's actually really sound. Usually when your dad embarrasses you it's kind of you know low level like he drives a shit car to school or something like but like

something like that. It is inciting violence. Like I've seen shit written about me like only and comments of shit like that that also we've gotten really serious but like seriously about the most ridiculous stuff. It's like just chill. you know the harry and megan documentary right so obviously it's the talk of the town at the moment and i know that you're as you say indifferent i almost felt like obliged to watch it because i just you know you kind of just want to know what's happening

but i watched the first episode and i was i found it a bit boring i kind of dragged and it was kind of like i was studying for an exam and i was saying saying to Geraldo, I was like, I'm going to leave it. I just, I don't think I can power through. And he was like, power through. It gets really good. And it does. It gets really, really good. I, regardless of whatever happened, I would not, I just wouldn't, I wouldn't like bring shit ahead of it.

My family ever. And I always think there's two sides to the story and then there's the truth. So we're never going to know anything. Take it all with a pinch of salt. Let's all relax. Let's not hate each other and let's not be nasty bastards.

Hate you though, Joanne. Especially you, Jo. I usually agree with you, but I think this is a story. I kind of understand why they'd want to tell this story. I do. I kind of understand why they'd want to tell this story. I do. I kind of understand it.

Can we talk about, right? I wanted to do a little game against each other. Okay. It's about Christmas because obviously this is around Christmas time, our podcast. So I want to know what your Christmas day would look like compared to what my Christmas day would look like. Oh, okay. Who wants to go first? I'll go first.

Me and my mother are going to a hotel for two days. Stunning. A very nice hotel. And we have like a package. So we have a lovely room and we're going to basically do, we're like ladies of the manor. I've never, do you know that I'm 39 years of age?

I've never once cooked a Christmas dinner. I've managed to avoid it. If you can stay single and childless all the way up to your 40th, fucking get away with murder. You don't have to lift a finger at Christmas. It's fantastic. Especially in a hotel,

you literally won't even have to pick up your own pace. I need to know like what time you're waking up at. What happens then? Oh, well, because it's the hotel, it's different this year. But usually,

we'd wake up normal time. I mean, the days of getting up at 4am are gone, obviously. I haven't had a stocking since I was 28, sadly. You had stockings till you were 28?

Yeah. What? Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom. If I was awake, she wouldn't What? Of course, yeah, yeah, yeah. My mom. If I was awake, she wouldn't put them in. But yeah, if I was asleep, she'd come in and put a stocking in. I'll never forget my poor father, rest his soul.

A cellotype dispenser. Do you know what? I'm not even joking. I'm in the market for a cellotype dispenser. I don't have any and I really want one. Yeah, well, this was fantastic. And it's still in the house somewhere. He's not, but the sell tape dispenser is. It outlived my father, if you can believe that.

Re-gift. I'm over here. Kevin Getty, send us back the sell tape dispenser. We failed you at my father's ashes, but I'm totally willing to sell it for a tenner. Okay, go on. You wake up. What time are we waking up? So wake up at about whatever.

So Christmas kind of, it changes. You have to tell us what time you're waking up so wake up at about whatever so Christmas kind of it changes now you have to tell us what time you're waking up you're not playing the game oh sorry sorry okay so a couple of years ago I used to go

Christmas Eve was a big night out so you'd fall in the door at like 3am you know what I mean you'd be down at the pub and then you'd go back to your friend's house

for drinks and you'd be like chain smoking out their kitchen window you know and then so I'd wake up kind of late like my family would be kind of kicking me out of the bed And then you go back to your friend's house for drinks. And you'd be like chain smoking out their kitchen window. And then, so I wake up kind of late. Like my family would be kind of kicking me out of the bed at about 12.

But now. 12. That's the day you missed Christmas day. You've missed the day. No, not 12 a.m. 12 p.m. Like 12 in the afternoon. Oh no, I know what you're saying. Sure.

It's lunch time for me you don't eat at 12 do you i won't i'm not gonna shame you go on what time did you get up at so then thank god the god that getting dragged to mass those days are gone which is a huge relief thank thank you christ exactly thank christ thank you yeah holy mary mother of god thank you Exactly. Thank Christ. Thank you. Yeah. Holy Mary, Mother of God, thank you. Thank you so much. There was a state.

Yeah, that was terrible back in the day and you'd put your Christmas clothes on. First time you were able to put your Christmas clothes on and you'd walk up

like a fashion model up to mass and sit there dying of boredom for an hour and then, oh God. The longest mass

and you'd have to leave all your toys behind to go and listen to that then there was a kind of a flip to midnight mass which then midnight mass had to be brought forward um in my local area because everyone was too pissed at midnight so they were they brought it forward to like i think it was like nine or ten or something like that so that was that that was a bit of crack but also not great because it would interrupt with the drinking on Christmas Eve. Anyway, all that's gone.

Thank God. We've all lost our faith which is a great relief because it means that the day is really free. So now I get up at about nine. We'd start the day we'd have a couple of mimosas.

Nine isn't bad. Well done. Obviously because I'm usually a single woman and I don't have kids I'll open up the inevitable candles that I get from nieces, nephews, children in my life. Candles.

Oh, yeah. Don't get me wrong. Triple wicks. I'd rather a diffuser now. A lot of candles. Then we'll have a couple of mimosas. There'll be a fried breakfast. Oh, yes.

I'll start annoying everyone talking about how intelligent pigs are. Oh, God. Yeah. I'll start ruining the day at about 10.30 that's where I like to start two mimosas in not bad

let's see if we can fuck off I'm not into mimosas though like I want I like things separate I was saying this last week like I want I'll have a glass of champagne and then I'd have a glass

of orange juice in the other hand but I don't want them to mix I wouldn't even though I am a ditch pig for booze I wouldn't be able to drink I wouldn't be able for booze, I wouldn't be able to drink, I wouldn't be able

to drink champagne. Like, I wouldn't be able to get out of bed and drink pure alcohol. Oh God, I would. You animal,

Vogue. Jesus. Do you know what though? I could get up at six in the morning. I swear to God, I could have lasagna. Yeah,

but that's because you've been training since three. I actually get up at that time. Do you know what I mean? It's my first time opening my eyes.

I haven't been doing anything. I haven't brought out a business in the morning time. I'm just up at that time do you know what I mean it's my first time opening my eyes I haven't been doing anything I haven't brought out a business in the morning time I'm just up and away then we'll kind of fanny around we'll chat we'll listen to the radio

we'll open some presents and then we'll have lunch at about two or three I'd say yeah and my mum because she she likes

she kind of my mum kind of likes to move with the times but then by doing that really dates herself so she'll make a huge

jug of Cosmopolitans because she you know she loved she loved sex in the city and she thinks she's like

you know she's like it's kind of high high brow like you know it's kind of chic with your Cosmos so it'll be a big jug

like you know the big jugs used to make Keora in it'll be a huge one of Cosmos. So it'd be a big jug. Like, you know, the big jugs used to make Keora in. It'd be a huge one with Cosmos. We used to celebrate with my auntie Breed and her family.

So everyone just kind of sits around and gets pissed. My brother and his kids and his wife will make an appearance at some stage. The day is a traditional Christmas day, as in very booze-fueled,

family. It's really, the guts of it is me and my mum because my brother has his family and then so he will

split Christmases you know around her his wife's family and all that kind of juggling goes on ultimately yeah it's just two grown women

in their pyjamas getting pissed it's the dream really it sounds like the dream I was actually hoping for something like a little bit worse for me because

there's not much of a versus there I mean I will be up at like half six probably with the kids yeah and they'll open all their presents really early we'll mess around in that for ages i will have a full strength glass of champagne yeah i'll have pudding i'll have sausages i'll have rashers we were gonna have lunch really early at 12 but then i was like we're not having lunch at 12 it's too early we'll stuff ourselves then i'll just eat chocolates grazed through the day with chocolates and cheese and stuff like was like we're not having lunch at 12 it's too early we'll stuff ourselves then I'll just eat chocolates grazed through the day with chocolates and cheese and stuff like that

then we're going to have our lunch at 5 because that's when the kids have their dinner so it makes it easier and then we're going to chill we'll play we actually play a lot of games what you're saying to me is that children ruin Christmas that's what I've heard here that children are interfering with the drinking

we love a game, we love a game. Also... Door a game. We love a game. Usually me and my mum will go full blown into a couple of episodes of Classic Who Wants to Be a Millionaire. Not the new ones. Anyway, that's for sure.

There could be a game of Scrabble thrown in there because my mum is like a Scrabble shark. Oh, she's good. I love a bit of Scrabble. Yeah, she's great. I'm like Kat on the match. Do you know what I mean? Where she's like super califragil shark. Oh, she's good. I love a bit of Scrabble. Yeah, she's great. I'm like Cat on the mat, do you know what I mean? Where she's like super califragilistic.

She's one of those. I got T loads games for Christmas. I got them like Hungry Hippos. I got them, you remember that crocodile game that you have to push their teeth down and then the crocodile snaps?

We got Bingo. We got a few good games and we got Monopoly. I don't think I'd be good at that though. Idiot Well Joanne I hope you have a lovely Christmas day Jo I hope you have a fantastic Christmas day

and listeners these are all sound have the best Christmas day enjoy it I hope you get everything that you want Thanks for all your support During the year It's been amazing

Yeah It's been really An amazing year And that's It's completely down to you It's down to absolutely Nobody else Isn't that right lads?

Joe did you hear that? Oh I heard it mate Yeah You had nothing to do with it I completely agree Nothing to do with anything Nothing to do with it Also

Vogue and Joe If I even hear From either of you until January 27th I will kick off you're gonna hear I'm blocking you both on WhatsApp

we've got a one more episode next week mate so she said the 27th she's happy what she's happy

we've one more Thank you.