Worms, Crabs & Ghosts On A Loop
00:00 This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes With Me with me, Boag Williams and Joanne McLean. This is my day off, so I'm having a gin and tonic because I have to look at you two scrotes wait what time is it that's two o'clock probably not our first
00:35 it is actually how dare you well I had two drinks on the plane and I can understand why people drink on the plane I was locked
00:44 Amber was like I don't even remember going to duty free I don't remember buying that vodka And I can understand why people drink on the plane. I was locked. Amber was like, I don't even remember going to duty free. I don't remember buying that vodka on the way out. I'm like, what? I wasn't that bad. Her nipples pierced in duty free. I mean, they should start doing tattoos in the airport. Can you imagine the carnage? It'd be fucking hilarious.
01:04 It'd be absolutely horrific imagine waking up with like a huge Buddha on your back sometimes I wish I had woken up with one in Birmingham airport she didn't even make it out she didn't even get on the plane
01:15 I know the work is done the work is done but also like everything else you did it doesn't really matter because you've just got to be concerned with the tattoo that you're after getting that's why that show what's
01:27 it called um I don't even think it's on anymore the tattoo show on MTV and they like they make them get like they choose the tattoo for them but they choose the worst like they would get a shit on their leg and stuff like that it's really cruel and they don't see it till the end it's like tattoo no it's not tattoo fixers obviously if they're drawing a shite on their leg yeah it's like I think I remember that one and your woman's
01:49 her boyfriend got a shit put on her leg and she was absolutely devastated and he thought like that's the shit you do on a stag you don't do that stuff
01:56 to your girlfriend do you know what I mean like it's kind of funny though it's kind of funny the only reason I've never gotten a tattoo is because I just
02:04 I have no moral fibre is because I just, I have no moral fiber or backbone. I just don't care about anything enough to get it tattooed on myself, unfortunately. If I could work on getting some ethics or morals or beliefs, if someone could hammer a belief system in something,
02:17 in something, if I could believe in anything. Although, oh, I think maybe I do believe in something. So, I'm in TikTok now I've noticed
02:27 I'm in She sends me endless TikToks She's really gotten into this TikTok I just banged them all out Next But I'm loving TikTok Loving TikTok
02:42 I This is how much of a TikTok loser I am now. I can't believe I wasn't in it before. So I went in, I was getting my hair done by Katie and Larry King. Pluggy, plug, plug. And she was like, I'm surprised you don't get into TikTok more.
02:55 She was talking about some story where this girl was getting her eyelashes done and your woman was doing her eyelashes. Her dog ripped off her eyelid. And she had to get it put back on, all this jazz. Anyway, she was telling me these stories. And I was like's gonna put back on all this jazz anyway she's
03:05 telling me these stories and i was like where are you getting all these she's like tiktok so i left the hairdressers with my new power woman business bob do you have a bob now thank you fab got a bobblehead um i also have a bob now i went to do you yeah i got a bob when i go on my holliers i take out all the stenos, whip a bob in. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah,
03:27 go natch. Yeah. Natch in St. Barthes. Exactly. So I left the hairdresser's, went to a pub on my own, nothing new there. Had three large wines
03:36 and just sat laughing to TikTok videos on my own in the middle of the pub. And it was like Friday night and everyone else was like having this great time around me and I had
03:45 a ball I had an absolute ball on my own so when Joanne says she loves TikTok like don't expect any TikToks from her she just loves sitting watching other people's I when I wanted to when I first thought about getting into TikTok I was like I'm gonna like I can't do all those dancey dancey reels like I just I'm too old secondly I recently did a photo shoot it was actually last week and they had me dancing behind decks right and when I say I actually started getting upset I wasn't angry I started becoming upset because I hate dancing so much and I had to pretend to dance for so long and I was like if I ever have to I actually not to sound unrelatable but I actually rang Louisa who is my manager and I said Louisa put it into
04:32 the contract that I don't dance I don't dance Bo doesn't dance no I think that I would have that Bo doesn't dance she'll walk In a straight line Backwards and forwards I'll do a lot of things I won't dance She will spin She will spin the decks Whatever that means To Vogue But she will certainly
04:54 Not dance The most awkward part About dancing Is starting to dance If everyone could just Look at the wall Until I start Okay
05:03 If everyone could just Turn their back at me until I start. I need to find the rhythm. And then once the rhythm's there, then everyone can look. Do you know what I mean? There's nothing I want to see more now than you starting to dance. I know. It's just going from completely still to, and we're going, come on, here we go.
05:23 Okay, we're going to move the arms. The legs are going to catch up. No, if you have a drink, if you have a drink in one hand and your bag in the other, your arms are taken care of. I like that. And then I'll just do the old legs and the hips. The arms are taken care of. You can't do anything.
05:37 They're full. Yeah. Put your hands in your pockets and just shift from side to side. This is why smoking was very handy. Oh God, I miss that. Yeah. Two fags, you know what I mean? One in each hand,
05:50 like little, what are they called? Glow bands, glow wars, glow bands. Yeah, they're like little glow sticks. Glow sticks. Glow sticks. Yeah. Yeah, it's the starting is the problem.
05:59 Finishing is fine. You just stop. There's really nothing to that, but it's the starting. I've actually never thought about that. And you get onto, you just go onto the dance floor and that but it's the starting I've actually never thought about that and you get onto you just go onto the dance floor then you have to start doing a different kind of walk I know like me and you it's like if I walk onto the dance floor it's like so shall we start or who's gonna start moving we were in a beat that and we had to go to a club
06:19 and I mean everyone was full on dancing you were was so embarrassing. You were quite a good dancer. I will give you that. Like, I felt embarrassed. And we didn't have a drink. Remember, we couldn't get a drink. So my hands were empty. You didn't see me start though. I wouldn't let the cameras on me until I was seven minutes in.
06:36 I was like, please don't put a camera on me until I've got my rhythm. Oh no. I was like, come on, vote. Come on. on like dancing is embarrassing enough when you're not feeling it but it's it's worth it's fucking camera crew just with the camera camera crew and like i knew it would look good if i got into it but also i was surrounded by dancers who were literally like it doesn't matter i've watched them stars they're very good at starting and they were like absolutely killing it and i'm like trying to fist pump and like i literally had no rhythm because i was so embarrassed i needed i nearly broke so brocked over and said get me two cans
07:14 of your best white claw and i'm gonna just once i have once i'm two in i want a drink now that you're having a drink but god it's very early for me what time is it oh my god it's ten past ten I can't if I go to the fridge now Sven you'll be like look the real yeah you'll be like
07:32 you're clearly talking to Joanne before 11am what I would recommend is a little is a hard seltzer a hard seltzer
07:39 before 11am I can't I don't have any of them but they don't have that much stuff on the island so tell us
07:44 where are you, Vogue? I'm in St. Bart's for two weeks. Say what? St. Bart's. Do you own part of that island? I don't own any of the island, unfortunately. I don't even have a foothold in a property here. And I wish I did because there are some delicious spots out here, I have to say.
08:04 Do you know what? There is all over the ground. Okay. There was a couple of dead cats, but there's a lot of cats on the island, right? So, Sonia and I went for a run around the island. Loads of feral cats. I saw a dead bat. I actually saw a run over tortoise, but there's tortoises, like, everywhere you walk, you see these.
08:23 And, like, we've had to stop three times now to pick them off the road and put them back into the bush because they just wander across the road like it's the most amazing place so we've been going around looking at loads of dead animals
08:34 basically amazing so spooky but so Halloween do you think that maybe could I I could afford to go to St Barth if I brought like
08:42 a Wendy Hayes tent and just like luckily luckily a lot of I'm in a bin I'm like how much I'll take that bin for the week It's 60 grand You couldn't afford the bin over here
08:53 certainly not over Christmas That's why we're not coming to Christmas We couldn't even afford a bin What an amazing place to be able to go My God I was in Birmingham Did you see she dressed up for Halloween? No, I didn't What an amazing place to be able to go. My God. I was in Birmingham. Did you see she dressed up for Halloween?
09:09 No, I didn't. Well, I mean, to say this costume was worth the 15 pounds. If you dressed her up like a slutty cat, I'm ringing social services. She absolutely hated it, right? She cried. I couldn't even bribe her. I offered her a croissant I offered her sweets just for one smile
09:27 she couldn't give me one smile she couldn't take it is she wearing crocs she's wearing crocs yeah I did have her little heels you know her little heels
09:44 that she goes around in the plastic ones? She's wandering around the house naked just in those little heels this morning. You can see her clipping around everywhere. No wonder she's bawling, crying. She's wearing Crocs. She looks like she's about to do a night shift in an Alzheimer's camp. Excuse me. That poor child.
09:57 Have you put your feet in a pair of Crocs? We discussed Crocs. They're back. Her smile. Or sorry, her crying. She reminds me. I was watching E.T're back. Her smile. Or sorry, her crying. She reminds me, I was watching E.T. on the plane over.
10:09 She reminds me of when they dressed up E.T. Did you just spit back into your glass? The ice, yeah. You look like you just hockered into your glass. I'm willing to swap saliva with myself. That is something I am willing to do. What did you dress up as for Halloween, Joanne?
10:44 Well, so I went to a Mac party on Halloween. So I did my first Apollo on... I saw that. That's Friday. So thanks to everyone who came. Really enjoyed it. And also, thanks to everyone who's come to all the shows recently. They've been a great crack.
11:00 Birmingham was a great crack. Trim, great crack. Anyway, do you remember your man? I think he goes by Marcella Yes yes yes Remember he dressed up As me and you And he did the makeup
11:10 And it was really on point And you were kind of Slowly You were kind of Holding a radio to your ear And kind of fake DJing Or whatever And we thought it was
11:15 Really funny He was brilliant He was there Dressed up I don't know why He was dressed up But these The makeup artists
11:22 They're like magicians I don't know how They do it. It was unbelievable. I felt so lazy. I was wearing nothing. Mac, in fairness, and they just put a veil on my head.
11:32 I don't understand. Why are we there? I don't get it. Because they were just like coming along to the Mac party and I was like, yeah, I don't do anything. I'll go to the Mac party.
11:41 I went to the free mascara. Did you get a nice goodie bag at the Mac party? I did, yeah. Alan took half of it. I was like, where are you going to wear black lipstick, Alan? He's like, you're getting everything. I'm like, you want black Mac lipstick?
11:58 Okay. Do you want black Mac lipstick? What do you get up to when I'm not here? Well, I actually thought it'd be kind of handy for like dressing up and stuff. It was spooky, you know, gowly. Did you see Heidi Klum dressed up as a worm?
12:12 No, I didn't. I love the way she does that. That's my kind of vibe. Heidi Klum worm. Let me see. But it's like, that's how hot. I thought it was slutty.
12:22 See, I didn't know worms could be sluts. Did you know worms could be sluts? I didn't know. Oh my God. It's slutty season, obviously, if you're drunk. Is she a slutty worm? I didn't know worms could be sluts. Did you know worms could be sluts? I didn't know. Oh my god. Is she a slutty worm? Well, she has to be. It's Halloween. Everything
12:31 you dress up as is a slutty version. So she's a worm. So I'm guessing. She actually looks completely disgusting. Oh, well, she got out of her worm suit and then she's in this little glittery bodysuit. Yeah, of course. But it's such a it's such a power play
12:46 she's like I'm so hot that I don't have to use Halloween as an excuse to look hot I can look ah she kind of did she did
12:54 she did the worm and then she got out of the worm and looks like an absolute goddess if you're gonna go like an ugly pig go like an ugly pig
13:02 okay the last time I dressed up for Halloween I was probably about seven years of age and my mum just put a hat on me and I walked around the estate looking for sweets. You know, we were an ever big dressy up family. No, yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
13:12 No, yeah. I dressed up as the exorcist girl. Then the last one, the last proper one I did, I was Voldemort. You see, great at the time, have 7,500 drinks and then find yourself in the shower at six o'clock in the morning, ripping Mala off your face. Not great. Who's Voldemort? I know him.
13:33 From, uh, your man up the road. Yeah. Your man up the road. I know. I remember. I know that name. Who is he? I just like dressing up. I'm genuinely asking who Voldemort is. From Harry Potter. Voldemort. Oh oh I never got into that I never got into the Harry Potter stuff you I reckon you would quite fancy Voldemort
13:51 really wouldn't wouldn't he be Joanne's vibe defo yeah yeah does he have a toolbox he doesn't have a toolbox
14:00 he's got a he's got a wand he's got no nose oh I do love a flaw yeah so he's looking he actually does look good i do love a scar i genuinely i find it quite sexy i don't know what that is oh i like a scar or something like that but did you see actually one halloween caution and machine gun kelly and god what's her blood megan fox you know what i actually i was actually thinking if vogue if me and you went with a Halloween party,
14:26 that's who we should dress up as. No, I couldn't actually. I'd be Machine and you'd be Megan. Come on. Okay, fine. Okay, I'll do that. We need to go as a two-star. No, I don't like dressing up as, like, I don't know.
14:40 They just really gross me out, to be honest. Them and the Kravis two are just hideous and courtney kardashian right i watch them because obviously i watch the kardashians and her and travis stand on a red carpet and they don't even like their lips don't touch they just go like this and just start like licking each other and it's like if you if you guys have a problem then maybe you should look at yourself and think, why am I not this happy? It's like, shut up. You are more on.
15:08 Yeah, we don't. We've had enough now. It's like we know you're even Megan Fox dressed up in bondage gear, getting led around on a machine gun. We get it. You're riding like the clappers. On her knees with her tongue out. You're not the only one having sex. Grow up.
15:23 Alan was in the tour. He came to, he drove to Birmingham Alan was in the tour he came to he drove to Birmingham with us in the like tour car and he tried to touch me at one stage
15:31 and I was like get the fuck away from me I'm at work even though we were just driving up a motorway I was like don't you dare
15:38 he was like oh my god and he tried to call me babe and I was like it's Joanne Joanne you're such a little witch. He's so nice.
15:47 No, what I mean is, when it comes to, and then the people going on with this absolutely irresponsible PDA, it's disgusting. People don't need to know. People know you're riding. You're in a relationship.
15:59 That's what most people do in relationships. Did you see her down on her knees getting communion off him? It's like, dude, that is so disgusting. Like, they're so wrong. And also, imagine being her
16:10 kind of grown up kids looking at that shit. Like, imagine my mom. Neil has her leading her around on a lead. Like, no. That is absolutely revolting. Sandra, stand up.
16:24 Have some dignity. Get off your knees contenders that's real contenders ready gladiators ready
16:32 now there was someone accusing Machine Gun Kelly of cultural appropriation for dressing like a priest right no against like slagging
16:42 like oh I just don't know and I shouldn't really have such an issue with them because I don't know them at all but they drive me nuts and Kourtney Kardashian like honestly get in the sea she's trying to release some something with like with your man Travis and I'm like yous have ruined it for yourselves yous have ruined it you could have released the vitamins I might have bought them but not after all that carry on it's done in the spirit of spooky yeah I was going to recommend the scariest film one of the scariest
17:11 horror films ever now I love bit of horror I actually went do you know what I did on the to celebrate Halloween I went to another little exhibition on executions. Now that would be interesting. It was. They were mad for executions back in the day. Like you were lucky if you survived. And there was like
17:32 the amount of crimes they were getting executed for stuff that's not even illegal anymore. Like what? And they'd behead them. They'd boil them. If someone,
17:39 treason, you get boiled to death. Just, just kind of, you get your head put in a spike and then it put it on the wall it was really interesting i would recommend it well women supposedly were getting burnt left right and center because if you did anything like if you got your period you
17:54 were a witch if like if your if your bread was too nice you were a witch if your washing was too clean you were a witch i would be definitely burnt because my washing looks fantastic. Click clack. What's the, what's your, what's your saying? It's only a click now. It's only a click.
18:11 They've changed the box. Oh, fully recyclable. Yeah. It just goes click. God, I'm, I'm living in the past with my click clack. Anyway,
18:18 now I love a scary film, but unfortunately Alan is, I don't know, like he refuses he hates being scared like he basically just wants to sit around watching Naughty all day
18:29 so he refuses to watch Okay this is another reason Alan and I need to be together we have the same taste in movies Yeah you do he's a child he won't
18:39 he doesn't like to be made he won't watch anything that even has like weird music or I don't know what his deal is. Did he watch Jeffrey Dahmer? No.
18:49 No, I wouldn't. I'd say he wouldn't even watch British Bake Off in case they burned the cake and that would upset him. Like he's a delicate little angel. I don't know. He must have been something
19:00 in a past life. You can't say, you've opened the fridge too fast he fucking jumps out of his knickers. But so he won't watch anything with me however what i will say is my recommendations top scary films have you seen hereditary with tony collette oh god yeah that's hideous it's it's so good uh now okay i want to hear the rest of your top scary films first. It. Which, the old It or the new It? We all float down here. We all float down here.
19:29 Huh? The old It. Classic. Yeah, the old It. Yeah, okay, cool. The OG It. Absolutely terrifying. I watched it as a child.
19:37 I was three or four. And to say it terrified the shit out of me. Third scary movie movie Willy Wonka Chocolate Factory terrifying when that child goes up the pipe and he can't breathe
19:51 I couldn't go down any water slide there's a rainbow rapids in Dun Laoghaire for years I couldn't go down a water slide I couldn't do anything
19:58 I got a stus gloop that was remember your one like she expanded into the giant blueberry and all that is absolutely terrifying Chucky again terrifying terrifying Remember your one, like she expanded into the giant blueberry and all. That is absolutely terrifying.
20:06 Chucky. Again. Terrifying. Terrifying. What's your man with the knife hands? Freddy Krueger. Terrifying. Did you never do Candyman when you had to look in the mirror and say Candyman five times in the dark and then Candyman would come and kill you?
20:23 Did you never do that? Yeah, but I survived. Look, we're here to tell the tale. So did I. But they'd be my top recommendations. I mean, they're not particularly original, but they are particularly scary. You're missing The Conjuring, which is one of
20:38 the greatest scary movies of all time. Like, it is absolutely petrifying. What were those ones? Oh my God, Joanne. It is like, especially the first one. You'll actually sit and watch the three Conjurings. They're all absolutely brilliant. I think there's three of them.
20:52 What might do? I'll tell Alan. I'll have to tell Alan we're watching Peppa Pig or something. I don't know what I'll tell him we have to watch, but I don't know how I'm going to get him to sit down with a Conjuring. Pop him on his iPad. He can watch something else besides your Conjuring. Unbelievable.
21:03 A bit of Cocoa Melon? Cocoa Melon for Alan cocoa melon for Alan what about what about have you watched the haunting of hill house on Netflix yes oh it's so good no Joe what are you doing I'm team Alan I don't like it what's that one called where they're in the house and it's like it's kind of like a poltergeist and they had like four of them they were absolutely amazing no no no no oh the exes oh i know what you're saying yeah yeah yeah yeah that's so good there go on is that all right joey are you are you able to google or that one is absolutely terrifying but one thing that frightens me right the haunting of hill house there's another one I think it's the haunting of Bly Manor
21:46 and it freaks me out because like when I'm dead I want to be like doing my own stuff and enjoying my dad's time but this woman yeah this woman was on a loop a loop so some ghosts go on a loop
21:59 and her loop was basically yes they do some do you know what I want how do they decide who goes on a loop you keep slagging me i'm gonna drag you out of your bed when i'm dead as a poltergeist i've warned you about it so she's on a loop anyway and her loop is she's basically her body's at the bottom of this lake so she just has to be tied to the bottom of the lake like and then she comes out
22:26 every so often and does this loop around the house and anyone she catches on her loop she kills dead I think we need to start
22:34 putting spoiler alerts in the pod did you just give away the ending? I gave away quite a lot of it yeah and then there's this other movie you know the sixth sense yeah at the end he's dead yeah he's dead do you know what i do bruce is dead so this is how i watch scary movies
22:57 this is how i watch scary movies i have to sit, I google the end I have to because if I don't google the end I'll be too uncomfortable watching it so I google the end so I know what's going to happen what's the point? It's very important for my mental health Joanne I understand you don't like surprises
23:18 no I don't like surprises anything else you can rail for people? I really want you to sit and watch The Three Conjuring today. That would be a day well spent. I'd love to watch The Three Conjuring. It will be. I'll have to do it alone, but I'd love to watch them.
23:38 The other is Nicole Kidman. Again, spoiler alert, she's dead. She's dead. You might as well do it now. Ruin it now. She's dead. Nicole is dead. Herogue, you might as well do it now. Ruin it now. She's dead. Nicola's dead. Her and the kids dead. That's what happens. You don't think she's dead, but she's dead. Okay, anything else? I know I talk about death a lot, but I only said
23:55 this to Spenny the other day. I was like, because there's a graveyard here in St. Bart's. I've never seen a nicer looking graveyard. And the funniest thing about it, it was full of people tending to their loved ones' graves. Again, it obviously threw me down a spiral and I started being terrified about dying again.
24:13 Spending things, I need to go talk to somebody about my fear of dying because I spend an unusual amount of time thinking about this. I think that's okay. I think you're preparing for the afterlife. Where, what's the crack? What are your plans
24:25 like have you got a plot is there a tomb basically can I join I think yeah okay so this is the plan right Spenny doesn't want to get
24:33 buried in Hoth I told him that there's no space anyway we wouldn't get a plot there in Hoth you can't bury a Protestant in Hoth the ground would
24:38 fucking crumble who's a Protestant oh Spenny's not a Protestant he doesn't even know what he is this is the problem as well I haven't talked to Spenny about this he's not a Protestant. He doesn't even know what he is. This is the problem as well. I haven't talked to Spenny about this. He's not a Protestant.
24:47 Why does he sound like that? I don't understand. How do you get that accent if he's not a Protestant? I'm confused. Now, the thing that I worry about, because I'm after telling him he can come into my grave. I don't have a grave yet, but now I'm thinking like,
25:03 I'm not sure he's going up there. So I don't know if I should be fraternizing in the plot with I know I know I know what you're saying your name's not down you're not coming in yeah I get it kind of 100% guarantee he's going where I'm going but you know he's going somewhere hot I would maintain your independence when it comes to your forever home I think so you can come you can come it's six to a grave supposedly I'm like mum
25:30 this is I'm like mum mum I'll take the house and build a granny flat that's what I used to say to her I'll build you a granny flat in the garden
25:38 do you know that's lovely and I was like a granny flat means a grave you'll be flat on the ground okay bye get out of the house are you still doing it granny flat go into the garage I am open Granny flat means a grave. You'll be flat on the ground. Okay, bye. Get out of the house. Are you still doing your granny flat?
25:48 Go into the garage. I am open to offers is what I'm saying for the kind of forever home is what I'm saying. So I'm willing to travel. So if that means getting buried in St. Borth's, I'll do that.
26:02 I think it would be quite unfair of us to get buried over here to be honest it's too hard to get us here no one would come and tend to our grave we'd have to pay for professional waders
26:10 for the rest of our life so I think the best thing to do is get buried in Scotland I'm out no no no well where do you want to get buried
26:19 I was going to go for Sun Sand and Sangria do you know what I mean like I love Scotland but like you know not for eternity oh sorry speaking scottland but like you know not for eternity oh sorry speaking of funeral there was a girl do you remember we were talking before about the chinese kind of professional whalers in china a girl messaged me i'll never dig it out
26:38 now i don't know where it is but saying that she was hired as an actress her and her friends to turn up to a Chinese wedding that apparently they want kind of westerners at weddings in particular and they had to like
26:50 walk around it forever like all day in heels she said she was legitimately crying at the end because her feet were so sore
26:55 never wear a heel to a wedding never wear a heel to a wedding well do you know what just don't go to a wedding I wouldn't go to a wedding wedding
27:03 we're doing a funeral funeral oh was that a funeral I thought that was a wedding I wouldn't go to a wedding wedding we're doing a funeral funeral oh was that a funeral I thought that was a wedding Jo what's happening what's happening I think we're malfunctioning you said wedding
27:11 wedding funerals exact same thing anyway did you see my scary exorcist costume when I dressed up as the exorcist girl that was a good costume wasn't it
27:23 yeah what's with you and the dressing up? I just saw it feels kind of out of character for you. To take part in things. Excuse me? That's more like you. I take part in loads of stuff. You're more of a lone ranger. Do you think I'm a lone ranger?
27:38 Yeah, like you're... Yeah, we don't do things like dressing up. We're not on board with anything really speak about yourself because I have been the ex-girl and I have been
27:51 Voldemort as I told you so I make an effort it might have been the only two things I've dressed up as in the last 10 years but still
27:57 I've done something did you go to like a Halloween party did you go to a party dressed up as Voldemort I once had no I had my own Halloween party that I was dressed up as Voldemort I once had I know I had my own Halloween party that I was dressed up as Voldemort and I'll never do it again because there was face paint
28:10 everywhere people don't give a shit when they're having a party in your house so that's the end did you take did you take a sexy selfie of your ass as Voldemort and put it online like why else would I get dressed up as Voldemort if I wasn't going to take a picture of my arse? I knew, I knew. I was like, she doesn't get involved in things unless there's a fucking, there's a beep beep opportunity at the end. 100%. Oh my God.
28:31 Sexy Voldemort. Sexy Vlordy. It definitely wasn't sexy. But you know, speaking of those beep beep opportunities, there was a couple of pictures of me with 99 ice creams. They weren't my ice cream. I remember I took one off Alexander just to borrow it for a picture. Gave it back.
28:51 It's so dark. You know, you know, you know how that annoys me. I like that girl. I like that girl with the, I don't like 99s. That's the problem. But I remember that girl with the pizza. She's like a catwalk. That's the problem. But I remember that girl with the pizza. Maybe you weren't dangling the Domino's pizza into her face and she's like a catwalk.
29:06 Like she's, you know, she's not surviving on pizzas is what I'm saying. I'm trying to be easy about it. No, she was dangling the piece of pizza into her mouth but there was a full pizza in front of her. So she'd just stolen like a piece of pizza to pretend she was eating the pizza. It's so dark.
29:20 Oh, TikTok. This is what I was saying. Sorry, put this back in the start, Jo. No, do you know what? When you say this, I rarely do. I leave in the bit where you say, put this back at the start and we just carry on, usually. I know you don't listen. Do you know what you are?
29:35 You're a snake. That's what you are. You're a treacherous snake. This is treason. If this was back in the day, I'd have your head in a spike. Do you know what we do when you go to death when you go off the line we start saying really mean things about you and put them into the pod because you'd never know don't buy her tickets don't buy she's not funny
29:55 she's not well in the head my point was i started i downloaded TikTok as a straight woman who didn't believe in the supernatural within half an hour I was bisexual and I had an appointment with a card reader
30:10 there's a lot of hot lesbians on TikTok doing a lot of sexy shit with their tongue and I got completely locked in and then suddenly all these
30:22 psychic readings kept coming up do you know they just start reading your cards i don't know how the algorithms work but i've told you before i am susceptible to things like i'm very suggestible i should be in a cult really like if scientology were on tiktok i'd probably sign up i just don't know how to work tiktok because i keep getting served up baby shit like i don't like i love the kids are great and everything like that but i don't know how to work TikTok because I keep getting served up baby shit like I don't I like
30:45 I love the kids are great and everything like that but I don't want to spend my time looking at kids keep the cool stuff away from mums
30:51 you'd want to see what me and Joe see wow isn't it deadly Joe yeah oh tongues oh really good stuff well fine
30:58 Amber sends me stuff too so then I see all the cool stuff right did you read the story I sent you about your man eating the crab yes that's so rotten
31:12 so basically this crab pinched his daughter so as revenge he fucking ate it down in one they were in a river in China and when he went
31:22 he went to the hospital like six months later and he was like had severe stomach pains and they're like have you eaten anything weird that you wouldn't usually eat and he's like no no no no and the wife's like nudging him like well you did eat that crab live like a live crab and like the crab got him back yeah I mean that time well he deserved it I forgot about it and the crab gave him like severe, like stomach issues. Those things are riddled in diseases.
31:48 The punishment does not match the crime. You can't like, it's an OTT reaction. You can't go around just eating everything that annoys you. It's rude. And the daughter obviously annoyed the crab to begin with. You'd be Joe at this stage. Joe would be fucking that box would be empty. You take the top
32:05 half I take the bottom half and not in a sexy way you're not getting pleasured like Colin Farrell you're always you are you're oh actually you gave me the top half that time that was quite nice of you thank you very much um but Jane brought Theodore a crab she keeps bringing him it's like dead animal city over here this giant crab it's sitting outside like this huge and all I can think of is just festering in disease. The way they run sideways and all like it's unsettling. All I don't know about crab
32:31 there's a crab in the prodigy do you remember him? He was like foot to their album. Was it was it smack my bitch up? What was the camera for the album was?
32:39 It was a crab and I was like it's a fucking crab in the prodigy now. Mother of God. What next? A Labrador and the Cranberries anyway you can't go around eating things that annoy you
32:50 do you remember you only ate all her own hair anyway sorry there's no real there's no real life to that oh wait hang on one second who the hell ate their own hair
32:58 there was a girl and she was kind of nervous and she used to eat her eat her hair when she was nervous and then she you know then of course she just was full of hair and then nothing in her body worked
33:08 and they had to cut her open and take out all this hair from inside her it was huge see i don't i don't know how i feel about things like that that's how we measure extensions vogue oh i've taken their current well no i do have a few in my hair um but i don't know if that's true because people always say that if you eat chewing gum, it gets stuck in your stomach. And I will tell you, I have eaten hundreds of packets of chewing gum and there's none stuck in my tummy. That's bullshit. Maybe that's what the abs are. It's not muscles.
33:36 It's just Wrigley's. Fucking blocks of old Wrigley's. Bubblegum Wrigleys, yeah. Hello and welcome to my therapist ghost with me, with me, Vogue Williams, and Joanne McNally. I lost the McNally bit there, didn't I? Joanne McNally! Oh dear.
34:00 That was a lot. Okay. Twice. Do you know what Joe fuck you I wanted to talk about Matthew Perry Matthew Petty Perry the little bitch
34:13 I know but you know as I me and Joanne were talking about Matthew Perry he's your man Chandler from Friends
34:19 and he's released this autobiography what's it called again his autobiography? Let me just find it. It's called like Friends and the Big Bad Thing. A memoir or something. Friends and the Big Bad Thing.
34:31 A Big Bad Thing or something it was called. But he literally, I don't understand this, right? Now, he's completely minted, but he's just released this book and he kind of throws everyone under the bus. As they do with all these memoirs, the papers have been taking extracts
34:46 and kind of running stories on them. Which I adore. And of course, it's all very sensational. Of course, we love it. We love the tea. Okay, so with his memoir,
34:54 some of the things that he revealed, right? He used to go out with Julia Roberts, but he was so concerned that she would dump him that he dumped her. He dumped Julia Roberts.
35:04 That was actually a great thing for me to read because then I just put that on every single man who'sia roberts that was actually great thing for me to read because then i just put that on every single man who's ever done me i was like oh they were scared that i dumped them he liked yeah he liked me too much i was too cool for him perfect i wish we could believe those lies that we tell ourselves um he actually has paid seven million to get himself sober. And he's been sober since 2001, except for like five or six mishaps. He had this massive, right, jet ski accident.
35:35 And that's where he started getting on like the OxyContin. Apparently they're all hooked on it. It's really bad over there. Yeah, there's a really good TV show on that, actually. I forget what it's called, but it's very, very good. So good so he got a yeah he never did heroin because he was always scared of it he has a really really good bond with uh jennifer aniston and he was really upset when she once said listen we know you're all drinking and he hadn't been drinking he said how do you know that and she said because he reeked of drink um yeah one thing joanne and i were kind of obsessed with matthew about was he said in his book right he
36:08 used to hang out with river phoenix who was this amazing child actor died at 23 outside the viper room from a drug overdose and uh and matthew perry wrote in his autobiography he said that that uh river phoenix dies but why does k Keanu Reeves still walk amongst us? It's actually so, because Keanu Reeves is meant to be the nicest man of all time. Read the room, Matthew. Read the room. Like, when I read that, I was like, when was the last time Matthew logged on to the World Wide Web? Does he not realize that Keanu is now king?
36:45 Like, Keanu has come through all the bullshit he's going out with someone who's near around his own age which means all women are now obsessed with him
36:53 he had a really tragic situation but didn't his partner die and all this terrible thing apparently he is an absolute gentleman and there's Matthew Perry
37:02 fucking throwing one to us read the room Matthew read the room he's. Read the room. He's a very nice man. It's such a misstep on his part. But do you know what? Anyway, now everyone thinks Matthew's a c***. Well, like, to be honest with you,
37:15 like, Keanu Reeves, he looks magnificent. He has an A today. Do you know what? He's very respectful of women because he always hovers his hand above their lower back instead of grabbing them he uh that's tantric that's tantric that's tantric i'd be if he if he wasn't grabbing at me i'd be absolutely raging i'd be like get you yeah i'd be like come on
37:36 he once uh he gave up a seat on the subway to give a woman a seat who had a large um bag he donates loads of money to children's charity oh god listen to this he once bought an ice cream he yeah he was done he once bought an ice cream so he could autograph a receipt for a young fan he's sad i i was reading somewhere and again the the details escaped me he went he was on some film was on some film he was in some film recently and he wasn't great in it look no one's saying he's not Daniel Day-Lewis
38:09 but no one gives a shit because he's sound and now it turns out most of Hollywood are pricks so we're drawn to the sound ones like Mots to a Flame Mots to a Sound Flame
38:17 but anyway the director they were like Keanu wasn't great in that was he? he goes no he wasn't but you know what I can't wait to work with him again
38:23 because he's sound yeah John Wick absolute piece of's sound yeah John Wick absolute piece of shit who? John Wick that's one of his movies absolutely a pile of shit
38:30 doesn't matter I'll watch it you know why because Keanu Reeves is in it because he's sound he's absolutely sound I just watched Keanu he needs a reality TV show
38:38 anyway Matthew's completely shot himself in the face there completely shot himself he had us in the he had us we were we felt sorry for him
38:45 we were enjoying the gossip this terrible addiction he'd worked hard he got sober we were all you remember Tara we were rooting for you Matthew we were rooting for you
38:53 remember Tara Banks anyway America's Next Top Model she had that freak out anyway it doesn't matter but yeah he fucked up Matthew he fucked up
39:00 what did he do to her it's a very good lesson in you can sit there and be a catty little bitch on your own but don't be throwing names into memoirs. Disguise people.
39:13 Don't be throwing people under the bus like that. I know but he has said then recently he came back he was like I just chose he said he basically he plucked Keanu Reeves'
39:20 like name out of thin air. Maybe he was jealous of Keanu. That's not true. Like you and I both know if someone said something like that about one of us and they're like,
39:30 oh, sorry, I just kind of threw the name at it. Like that's bullshit. There's obviously a deep seated resentment there. I would say Matthew is deeply resentful of Keanu because Keanu has a quite impressive career actually.
39:42 I know. And Matthew has nothing. He's got the tiniest mouth anyone's ever seen. That's all he has. Gany was the most impressive career. Cut that bit where Joanne said all of his movies were shite. Okay, Jo?
39:57 It won't make sense otherwise. I don't know what I've said. Okay, Chandler. Chill out. Put the gin down Chandler. Could I be any more of a hypocrite? Hey! Anyway, yeah.
40:12 He was a bit of a dick. It was a dick move. Sasspot. He's a saucy bitch. Is it true if you cut a worm in half both those halves will go on to live independent and fulfilled lives? I think so. I think they have got something like
40:29 eight hearts, a worm. Now if none of this is true, it will really show we make up absolute garbage. Yeah, no, that's not true. It does. What? I want a second opinion. The fox as a worm has eight hearts. Does it have eight hearts
40:45 I stand by her and I believe her how many hearts does a worm have hashtag I believe her oh my god five hearts she wasn't far off
40:58 I wasn't far off now you were completely wrong but I wasn't far off no hold on Joe Google if you cut a worm in half will they both will both those halves Now you were completely wrong, but I wasn't far off. No, hold on. Jo, Google, if you cut a worm in half, will both those halves go on to have independent, fulfilled lives? Joanne, I will be honest.
41:13 I think that you are right. Yeah, there was definitely, I suppose, there was definitely something about worms. It will only regenerate from the tail end. The head end always dies. Well, you see, Joanne knew. Joanne never said which side. Okay, Jo see, Joanne knew. Joanne never said which side. Okay, Joanne,
41:27 you were right. I was suggesting that both halves would go on to live independent lives with jobs and families and homes,
41:35 but clearly that's not the case. The ass lives on, the head dies. That's the lesson there is keep squatting, girls. Keep squatting. Keep squatting.
41:43 You don't know, if you're a worm, you don't know if you're a worm you don't know when your ass is going to go out and have to live a life all on its own that's it from us
41:57 for this week hopefully some of that made sense I've been Joanne McNally and she has been Vogue Williams and we will see you next week. Bye.
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