My Therapist Ghosted Me - You Look So Lonely...

Episode Date: June 9, 2023

Ghosted has been traversing the length and bredth of the UK in the last couple of weeks, and this week you join Vogue & Joanne in a studio in Glasgow! Just make sure you're ready for the horrendous story about the fella who wants to be taller than he is... If you’d like to get in touch, you can send an email to [e-mail] review Global's Privacy Policy: https://global.com/legal/privacy-policy/MTGM is going on tour in Ireland & The UK! For tickets, merch and more, visit mytherapistghostedme.comFor more information about Joanne's gigs, visit www.joannemcnally.comThis episode contains explicit language and adult themes that may not be suitable for all listeners.Thank you!

This is a Global Player Original Podcast. Hello and welcome to My Therapist Goes With Me with me, Boag Williams and Joanne McNally. I'm getting my fake notes ready because I'm looking for notes. Yes, Boag, continue talking for an hour, please. We're in Glasgow. getting my fake notes ready because I'm looking for it yes Bo continue talking for an hour please we're in Glasgow we are in Glasgow

yeah we're doing our ghost tour still I love Glasgow I know it's deadly isn't it I say that a bit everywhere but like I do love everywhere we've gone

I know we're very lucky great and like last night when we did the show was a Wednesday night and Wednesday crowds can be through no fault of their own

yeah a little quieter because it's Wednesday and they're not on a big one and they've got work the next day and they've come from work well not last night in Glasgow

mother of god they were they were in it to win it really like just up for it up for the cup isn't that what they say in sport up for the cup

yeah or porn somewhere I was do you know as I'm looking at my mail the other day or porn somewhere I was do you know as I'm looking at my mole the other day I was like

I think you've got to go my friend no do not get rid of that mole it is a signature feature I know but it's a bit gross

like when you're plucking your mole no don't Vogue we'll be very upset okay we'll have I think

I think it's like I think it's quite sexy And stylish Don't get rid of it Is it sexy when I lick it like this? That sexy? No

Don't do that Now I'm like You should get rid of it Get rid of it It's so disgusting If you're going to keep licking it like that I'll cut it off you myself I'll freeze it off

She's like Is that a mole? Is that a mole? It's not really a mole A mole to me It couldn't be more of a mole. It's the mole-iest mole I've ever seen. It's the biggest mole of all the moles.

Didn't Sarah Jessica Parker, doesn't she have a mole on her chin? Did she get it removed? No, I don't know. I don't think she did. And again, that was like, it's kind of like her signature. Yeah.

It's like a full stop. Oh my God, she got rid of it. See, you didn't even notice. I knew she'd done something. I knew she either She got rid of it So you didn't even notice I knew she'd done something I knew she either Had got rid of it Or hadn't I knew it was one of those two That's really narrowed it down

Actually yeah Perfect And she got She got rid of it But see Yeah I don't know No Verrucas

Yes Because they're like a mole On the foot really But on the face I think keep Are Verrucas still a thing I used to get Veruca's as a child. Well, I know they were big in the 80s,

but I'm pretty sure they're still around. Did you wear those white shoes at the swimming pool? Yep. Yeah, me too. I was riddled. Oh God, me too. I had so many stickers from going to the doctor to have them frozen off.

I had to go to a chiropodist that got so bad. Went to a proper foot doctor. Yeah. Jesus. Me and my sister. Were they sore? I do remember, I do remember the stench

of that oil or that kind of treatment that my mum used to put on. Compound WW. And then try and scrape them off. Oh, with a nail file. Oh. I know, like I was in a farm.

Like I was a farm animal. I don't know if this, if this conversation is going to stay in the pod show. It's actually, it's made me, it's turned my tummy a little bit. Really?

I hate things like that. I once saw an episode of Embarrassing Bodies and this guy whipped off his sock and he had Veruca on top of Veruca on top of Veruca. His whole foot was just covered. I'm like, how did it get so bad? How do you stack Verucas like that? And I'll never forget it

because I can see it in my mind now when I think about it. Like the Russian doll of Verucas. Oh, yeah. Oh, anyway. Anyway, we're in Glasgow and we have a director called Una. my mind now when I think about it like the Russian doll of Veruca's oh god yeah oh anyway anyway we're in Glasgow and we have a director called Una she's very honest

very honest has a nice way a nice way she's great at handing out insults in a positive way indeed she basically

we pay her to troll us so I feel like what is happening at this stage anyway but she's amazing at her job so last week she started on me first of us so I feel like what is happening at this stage. Anyway, but she's amazing at her job. So last week

she started on me first of all. Yeah. So I get a message after the show and I was wearing this like linen two-piece that I thought was gorgeous.

Evidently it wasn't. She just was like, I don't, I don't, I think you should go back to your other outfit. I don't think you should wear that outfit.

And I was like, oh sorry, did you not like my outfit? She's like, no I didn't say that. I just said it doesn't work for the show. Yeah.

She says it lacks impact yeah and I got here this week and it was on fire in a bin outside the venue well I can't you see this is why I have to

I accept everything that Una tells us because you do you surrender to your director that's what you do and that's why the show works well we think it works

yeah so I agree with her about your outfit okay okay fine fine you could have just said that to my face it was very Dubai

it's linen I wouldn't be a fan of it was a bit below deck for me it was a bit well it did look a bit creased like I hadn't made an effort I looked a bit scruffy it was a bit

it's a bit day at the races like it couldn't be less day at the races I've never been I've never been to the races I don't know what I don't know what happens at the races it's just something to the races I don't know what happens

at the races it's just something people say it's a bit beachy you could have said beachy it's more beachy do you know what it is

it's a bit St. Barthes do you know what do you know what it is it's out it's finished I'm not ever wearing it again you insulting little cows yeah well anyway

so because I agree with her on the outfit I kind of had to agree I had to take what she said to me last night so we're walking back from the show and Vauna has this great way

which is a really good tactic actually she sets something up that she's about to tell you that you think someone's dead she's like listen I have something to say I have something to tell you

and your mind is racing you're like oh my god what have I done what has something something's happened get it out and she's like it's an aesthetic note

because she'd give us notes after the show kind of what to do differently the next day or whatever Something's happened. Get it out. Get it out. And she's like, it's an aesthetic note. Because she'd give us notes after the show, kind of what to do differently the next day or whatever. It's an aesthetic note. And I was like, what? And she's like, the hair.

The hair. I mean. The top knot. It's just basically. I enjoyed it front on, but it's when you do your double pony that it just.

She's like, basically, you look unkempt. And I was like, whoa. Una does have very tidy hair. Okay. pony that it just she's like basically you look unkempt and I was like whoa Una does have very tidy hair okay I was like

unkempt what are you I've put mascara on I've got deodorant on me like I'm not a monster Joanne has a

four minute makeup ritual before the show because she's like they won't see if I have concealer on I'm like oh okay yeah I know

I think because I did so many Prosecc like oh okay yeah I know I think because I did so many Proseccos that I just I don't eat into my own time by I just would rather spend time doing other things

than like drying my hair for hours and all before shows do you know what I mean anyway I thought I was doing kind of a casual top knot

apparently I look like a beast she's like you need to brush your hair and I was like wow this is where we are it's kind's like you need to brush your hair and I was like wow this is where we are it's kind of your thing though

not brushing your hair a four year old woman being told to brush her hair anyway it wasn't my finest moment going forward Joanne is going to have stunning hair at every show

I'm going to get a wig that might be easier for you to be honest I'm going to get a wig and just throw it on over my nest over your top knot yeah

the wig will just be like sitting up there at a hell of a time. You've always wanted to see a hair. Just buy it. I've always wanted to see a hair, yeah.

I've actually had a wig with all my steno's. Huge, big, kind of what would you call it? Like a wall of hair is what I would love. For a shoot, I think. I would love that.

I always want like really like really tight curls for a shoot. I think that's cultural appropriation. No, no, no. You know what I mean? Like Curly Sue. You can't get cornrows, Vogue. I think that's cultural appropriation. No, no, no. You know what I mean?

Like Curly Sue. You can't get cornrows, Vogue. I've told you this. I'm getting them. The days of cornrows are gone. I'm getting cornrows. Isn't it so funny? Like when we were younger,

we'd go on holidays and come back with cornrows. And those little long wraps in your hair. It didn't matter where we went. We could go to Wexford in Ireland and you came back with cornrows. Yeah, yeah. It was a thing.

It was a big thing. Yeah, you'd sit on the side of the street and some stranger would plait your hair for hours yeah while your parents went to the pub

now that I think back it's all very suspect it's clever yeah tell you what she's going to be coming home with cornrows as well

just dump her at the kids club for the day yeah she's actually she's wanting to talk to you about stuff if she tells me one more time

I don't like you with no eyelashes so whenever I have no mascara on she's like no mummy I don't like you with no eyelashes. So whenever I have no mascara on, she's like, no, mommy, I don't like you with no eyelashes. I'm like, okay, Gigi, that's rude. But it means what we're doing to her is working because we are building her,

we are building a drag baby. So the fact that she prioritizes makeup like that, I think is good. I think it's a good indication of where we're going with her. She's on the right path. She's on the right path. She's on the path to drag She's on the right path.

She's on the path to drag. So tell me about your week. Anything crop out at you this week? This morning drama rolls on. There's just now avoiding it. It's absolutely everywhere. It's everywhere. Everywhere.

It's like the elections. It's mad. And now I know the paper. See it's just the juice of it all. People get caught up in the juice. You see that's the thing. People love gossip. They love a rumour. We love gossip as well. Yeah, yeah, just the juice of it all. People get caught up in the juice. You see, that's the thing. People love gossip. They love a rumour. We love gossip as well. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But Amanda Holden

came out with something today and she had a statement because they were saying that she did a video saying, are you okay taking the piss out of Holly? Yeah. The article I read, I looked at the video that was attached to the article and she didn't say anything like that. So I don't know what they're talking about

and I just don't think she'd be that mean I don't get it I don't think she'd be that mean I don't think it would be a good move to do something like that and I actually just think that like as she said

that she's just being pitted against Holly and it's not even a thing but like the fact that she has to come out and be like this isn't true They're always doing that to women though It's just always I loved what she said at the end These stories are just to distract us

from the actual news. We're becoming a world which is gradually being eroded of all its best qualities. Humour, backbone and truth. Whoa. And like, do you know what? Because there's rumours

that fly around back and forth all the time. Like we have been the subject of rumours. We have? Well, I haven't been. My rumours have not come back to me yet but I'd like to believe that they are out there. I'd like, I do.

I hope and pray that they are. And yes, she loves horses. She loves horses in a strange and not okay way. That rumour is true. All the rumours I would like to say now are completely based in fact. I'm actually kind of exhausted from the rumour mill. I know.

Like, it's just like, rumours just take them with a pinch of salt because that's usually what they are. Exactly. Bullshit. They've usually come from nothing. Yeah. If someone doesn't come out and say something about a rumour,

Amanda had to. It's bullshit. Also, do you know what? I might hear a rumour about, who would we say? Tom, Dick and Harry. Love them, yes. Yes.

Great friends of mine. Particularly Dick. Loved them in Forrest Gump. Are they actors? Who are they? love them yes yes great friends of mine particularly Dick loved them in Forrest Gump are they actors who are they but I don't I don't text Tom, Dick and Harry

and tell you know what I mean we're not I know it's just like you just keep it it's none of our business

it's none of our business but I feel like we're going back into like Gossip Girl world well my friend Sophie who I used to live with in the commune

in Clapham was saying that there's some sort of Gossip Girl thing going around London at the moment now I haven't Well, my friend Sophie, who I used to live with in the commune in Clapham, was saying that there's some sort of gossip girl thing going on around London at the moment. Now, I haven't seen gossip girls, so I wasn't sure what she meant. There's a rumour banging around London at the moment, which is something, it's a very high-end thing to say, isn't it? The gossip mill. I know, but like the amount of...

On fire. I don't know why it is so much on fire now because I must have heard rumours about like ten different people and for a second you're like oh my god and then it's like hang on actually if I think about that I know if I put two and two together

am I getting ten or am I getting four? Yeah. And it's just like actually that isn't true. There's no way that could be true. Don't believe the bullshit unless the rumour is that

I wrote Colin Farrell that is true. Stop trying to make a rumour true so that you can actually like it what? so he's like I'm surprised we haven't heard from Colin Farrell

we're always talking about him on the pod I did ride Barack Obama yes if that's what you've heard it is true when he came to Ireland and we have a love child

somewhere I'm not sure where I don't recall being pregnant with that child in Carlow I think but you see but honestly like you could start a rumour about yourself and it just spreads like Carlow, I think. But you see, but honestly, like you could start a rumor about yourself

and it just spreads like wildfire because I think people like love gossip so much that it's like, it's almost like a high and it's like, oh my God, I love that person's life as fuck. There is something absolutely thrilling about sharing information about someone else's life. I don't know why.

And I know the sad part is when you actually sit down and think of a rumor and you're like, wait, would that be true? And then you're like, you're kind of sit down and think of a room and you're like wait would that be true and then you're like you're kind of disappointed when you think about it and you're like actually that's probably

definitely not true and it's just made up from complete and utter rubbish yeah anyway well said Vogue thank you

well said so and well done Amanda Holden I think for putting a stop to her rumour and a stop to her ageing process a complete halt to the ageing process a complete halt

to the ageing process she stopped at 30 don't know how she turned 30 and said fuck this I'm not going on no yeah she's like

no it's a no from me to the ageing process sometimes I feel like contacting her and I'm like what are you doing what are you not telling us

I'm convinced there's something satanic going on there you don't look like that unless you've sold something to the devil I'm sorry her and Keanu Reeves

I'm sorry they're upanu Reeves I'm sorry They're up to something They both look About four Yeah It's unacceptable It is Like

Yeah it is Are we We're going to age gracefully I don't believe in that Absolutely not But I believe But I believe But I believe in people

People should definitely Age gracefully if they want But like I would like to age disgracefully you're so diplomatic I love it everyone can do what they want

you do you yeah please leave me ahead of it I respect all lifestyle choices but here are mine why is this up so loud? Excuse me? Excuse me?

Yeah. You got it? It's just there beside you. Yeah. I can't hear you at all now, it's perfect. Will I tell you about my week? Go on. You rude bitch, not asking me.

Go on. So I went to Amber's 40th. Oh yeah. I know, I know everyone's thinking, sorry Amber's 40th again. Well that's what I was also thinking. Yeah,

because she had two parties. Yeah, I thought if I threw, if I threw the first party at her that I'd get away with the second one. Because we were on tour in Liverpool and I then had to drive to Manchester to then fly to Dublin to go home for the party

where I was working. She had me working at the party. She did, you were DJing. For free. Well, I'm an invoicer, I haven't decided yet. Yeah, so I was DJing but it was actually a great crowd. Something really strange happened at the party. Go on. So there was an older gentleman there.

Oh, being diplomatic again, go on, how old? Well, I'd say he was probably in his 60s. And what would suggest he was a gentleman? Well, I don't know. He was wearing a suit. Perfect, fine. So I assumed. You made your point.

I assumed. So I was like halfway through a chicken wing and he was like, the last time I saw you, was that your father's funeral? Shut up. And I was like, oh wow. That's nice information to be getting at a party.

And I looked in and as you were standing over the body of your father I heard you say Dad, you look so lonely. Oh. What? Sorry, are you sure it wasn't

it sounds like it was the ghost of your father though. You and I like to make a little crack at dead dad jokes. We do. But that really knocked me a bit. I was like, oh my God. I was like, I don't know. Like, am I going to cry? I was like, that's really sad.

What am I feeling? I'm having a feeling. What is it? Did you just say that at a party? This man needs to go to some sort of party etiquette classes. He has to go back to party school. You don't go up to someone at a party and be like,

the last time I saw you it was beside your father's corpse. You just don't. And did you lean into your father's coffin and say you looked so lovely? He wasn't in a coffin, he was on a bed. I probably did

because I did think he looked lovely. But it was a very sad time in my life that I didn't want to relive particularly at a party. I was just like okay I took a little fish finger and off I went lovely to see you again

yeah slightly better circumstances only slightly dad's dad's funeral had a great spread as well he did he had a great spread yeah always a great spread is that what reminded you's funeral Had a great spread as well He did He had a great spread

Yeah Always a great spread Is that what reminded you Of the great spread That we have going on here Yeah God I honestly

I couldn't believe I was just like Oh my god And he wasn't trying to be mean Or anything like that No I think he was trying to be Really kind and sympathetic

But I was just like Whoa You've just knocked me off my feet I mean yeah I guess as well He wanted you to know That he was That he bothered to go to your dad's funeral.

I think people always like people to know that they went to a funeral. I was there, yeah. Because you don't really need, like the person that you're going for is dead. They're not going to know. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, true, true.

Yeah, so I think he was trying to connect with you on a level of like, I made the time to go to your father's funeral and watched you have one of the lowest moments of your life. And here we are. Do you know what happened at the funeral my dog got knocked over yeah

outside the door yeah I was like this is not funny now come on yeah outside the door of the house he'd walked out onto the road and he only got clipped

so he no he wasn't dead yeah he was dead we threw him at my dad switch over there daddy I'm not paying 100 quid to get him created

cremated at the vet he's going in with Freddie that's so funny little bowl of pedigree chum for the afterlife in they go I was telling I was telling my friend

Ashley he was at the party with me I was telling her the story about what your mom had said to me she's like do you remember what you said because she's a makeup artist

she was like you came up to me I think you had a few drinks and you's like, do you remember what you said? Because she's a makeup artist. She was like, he came up to me. I think he's had a few drinks. And you're like, dad doesn't look great. You wouldn't mind touching up his makeup? And she was like, she made this face. And then supposedly I was like, oh, okay. You don't have to.

She was obviously horrified. She didn't want to. Were you taking the piss? He doesn't look great. She's not a wizard. Is it true that they use spray paint on bodies? Dead bodies? I think they use very thick makeup.

Yeah. She said spray paint. I think you would a nice red lip. A bit of Charlotte Tilbury. A lovely glowy. Oh, I get Subrofy. Speaking of glowy, my newest Bare by Vogue product has landed. Let the plugging be in. It actually, it's a hydrating facial mist. Very good for your skin. speaking of Glowy my newest Bare by Vogue product has landed it actually

it's a hydrating facial mist very good for your skin now it's not tan it's makeup so it's a setting spray it's not tan

no because I'm doing a video with it I can't have it okay you are Joanne Joanne soft launched it last week for us

I did I'm soft launching a lot of shit ghosted 20 ghosted 20 so Ghosted 20. So back to my dead dad. It's not really a discount. It's not really a discount

if every single person gets it, is it? It's just like it's 20% cheaper than what you're saying. And I'm not insulting anyone with a 10% discount like something Spencer Matthews would do. 10% yeah, like away. Thanks for the euro off.

Yeah, you can ask for 10% in co-op like no so Joanne and I when I was insulted by Una about my stage costume I said to Joanne I saw

there's a guy called Eamon McGill in Ireland and he did like loads of people's dresses for the VIP awards and after seeing Beyonce and everything like that I was like Joanne we need stage outfits

to my shock and horror she was on board with it so I got on to Eamon McGill and we were mailing him now we'd had a couple of drinks but like

I was like and we wanted like we want to have like maybe a jumpsuit like a sparky jumpsuit with Joanne and I was like but don't make us too sexy

did you yeah I spoke as like I've asked him not to make us too sexy and I was like I think it I think it'll be fine please Eamon

Eamon please pull our sex appeal down don't make us any sexier than we are see I think you are sexy thank you yeah I do

no one ever thinks that I think when you're large until you start walking but when you're sitting down I think you're sexy too when you put on your sunglasses yeah well I have to

I was thinking wearing the sunglasses today my eyes look wrecked so it was just so funny God we couldn't stop laughing oh sorry Amy Eamon we're just we're too sexy

so if you could like dull down our sex appeal I don't know how you're going to pull it off but if you could just make us not as sexy as we naturally are you could just do your best I know it's going to be a tough

it's a tough ask if it's too much, we understand. We'll go elsewhere. We understand. Yeah. The absolute cheek of me. Don't make it sexy.

It would be very funny if we came out in like... A leotard. A fucking, yeah, tits out for the lads vibe. A little morph suit. There is something about sexiness on stage.

It's just, it's distracting I don't like it I enjoy it for shows it's different if you're Taylor Swift but yeah and Beyonce

like Beyonce she can't help it you were saying you were using Beyonce as kind of the motivation behind us getting outfits and I was like

folk we're not bewitched do you know what I mean I want to go all denim I think for until our outfits are made we should go all denim. Speaking of all denim,

last night after the show, we went out to say our hellos. There was a couple of girls at the stage door and there was a man there. Vogue was on the phone to Spano inside, so I went out. There was a man there, one man, two men actually.

And he handed me a drawing and he said, would you mind, I've drawn, and I was like, oh my God, thank you. And he said, would you mind? I've put, I've drawn. And I was like, oh my God, thank you. He goes, Vogue. And so he handed me his drawing of Vogue. And I was like, oh, okay, lovely.

And he went, sorry, I didn't have time to do you. And I was like, no problem at all. No problem at all. I was like, here we go. Spank paddles all over again. He had time to get me a frame and everything. He framed it. And I mean, there's a lot of detail

in that painting. Well, he obviously put, I was like, well, you could have done, and the reason it made me think of Bewitched was you were wearing a denim boob tube

in the drawing. Oh, yes, yes. With a lot of detail. I was like, well, you could have gone less in the detail and had the time to draw me, but no.

He did a very small eyes and a very large mouth, which, like, I know that that is part of my face, but when you're confronted with it, because you know the way to draw me but no he did a very small eyes and a very large mouth which like I know that that is part of my face but when you're confronted with it because you know the way

you don't really know what you look like because you're not looking at yourself properly like other people are looking at yeah but it's one of those cartoony tile drawings

where they is my mouth that big is it oh it is okay like how do you look at me and you're like look how big her mouth is

what were you saying about mouths and vaginas yesterday the size of your mouth apparently is directly related to the size of your mouth apparently is directly related to the size of your vagina. That's rude to me.

Okay. If that was true my intestines would be falling out. My womb would be on the floor. Like no. You're not

bucket vagina-ing me. I use I use regular tampons. And there was a there was a video. Sometimes mini. There was a video. Oh yeah. I'm just a Lillette girl. Never Minnie.

He couldn't even fix a nosebleed with the Lillette. I don't know who was using them. But then there was a video going around where this woman, which has like, she's a huge mouth. And she was like, she says to her husband, is it true? And he says to her, yep. It's like shagging a warm bucket of water

oh my god that was very funny and then she's obviously in on the gag you know what I mean okay well anyway

my vagina is not as big as my mouth I think it's just some lad is obviously getting revenge off the kind of you know

finger dick data I would say oh that yeah that it's you know now in fairness I'd have a big dick

yours is tiny but we knew that already oh poor Jo that's meant to be a big it's tiny hands is that flaccid or erect I actually don't know

it's a long time since I read the study yeah it's a long time since you did that weekend course another one of her in how to gauge

dick size without actually having to get stuck in I do feel sorry for lads though why? there's nothing you can do you know what I mean and women have this

hang up about did you see the guy who got a couple of inches added to his height I know how did he do that did he break his legs or something

he obviously extended his legs how like he broke his legs I know I mean can you imagine the recovery excuse me he went up five inches. Let's see.

Women can be quite heightist. Like, you see, I remember on the dating apps, they were always at six foot because apparently that matters. Listen to this. The leg is surgically cut and there's a metal rod placed inside your leg that connects to the metal rod outside your leg. Every day for 90 days, you turn the key on the metal rod outside your leg that connects to the metal rod outside your leg. Every day for 90 days you turn the key on the metal rod outside your leg

which triggers the internal rod to lengthen slowly stretching the bone and muscles. Oh my god! Oh my god. I wonder how painful. It's kind of like braces maybe. Sorry but like they're painful. God love them. I also it might

I might not be attracted to someone if they're significantly shorter than me but also it might I might not be attracted to someone if they're significantly shorter than me but I'm certainly not going to be attracted to someone who's turning a key in his own leg every day

enough Veruca chat do you want to go that's all I have do you want to go? Now, can I say something to you, right? Oh, God. Spenny is, and he actually is the same height as me. But before I actually met Spenny,

I walked by Spenny on my way into like a charity event. And I did look at him and I goes, oh, he's quite small in real life. But actually, then I married him. I think look at him and I goes oh he's quite small in real life but actually then I married him I think it's just because I'm a giant yeah I was the same

when I started going out with Alan I was obviously just looking for reasons to not want to go out with him yeah and my attachment style

is fearful avoidant hello and that was so true and so I was looking for reasons to cut and run and and so I was looking for reasons to cut and run and one day I was looking

I was just looking him up and down and he was like what what name and I went you're kind of short are you and he goes

no I'm taller than you and I was like no you're not and he is now only by a fraction but he is taller but yeah height thing was a big thing for me

I don't know why I think there's some cave woman in me that feels like a taller man will save me from whatever's coming my way

we always want to be thrown around the room but actually Spenny is quite strong and when he is up to it he can throw me around a bit I actually don't want to be thrown around the room anymore

oh I do I don't there's a lot of things I want to do at the moment. He's been away for a week. I'm into like, I think I've got, I'm turning romantic.

I don't know what's going on. No, I've got a lot of great, I have a lot of great ideas. Are there any things Well, I don't want to be choked anymore. It's sick. Well, I tell you one thing, right?

Because you sent that story to the group, which I found interesting. So here's reasons why men, what happens to tall men. As a man, being tall can improve your attractiveness by 15%. But only 15? I know, but girls are 70% more likely to be attracted to a man who's tall.

Your legs chopped open for 15%. 15% is a big jump. 65% of CEOs are over 6 feet tall yeah I mean you're very blessed like when I was because I was very tall as a child

I was the tallest of my friends I hated how tall I was so did I because whenever we played mummies and daddies I was always the daddy

yeah we've said that I was cast as Rolf in this in this sound of music yours was I was fucking Baloo the bear like mine was worse what? I was cast as Rolf in this in this Sound of Music I was fucking Baloo the Bear

like mine was worse what? I was I was in I was in a I was in a class of girls and boys and they basically

the teacher was like whoever has the deepest voice gets Baloo the Bear what's what's Baloo the Bear? Baloo now I'm the king of the swingers

I didn't know that so I had to do my deep voice and I beat all the boys well that is morto yeah look for the

bear what was that other song I sang oh necessity I know all the words it's it's

you did a fantastic job I was Rolf because there were no boys if I'd been cast as Rolf and I was in a mixed school I'd literally be I'd still be in therapy yeah I had the deepest voice and I was in a mixed school I'd literally be I'd still be in therapy yeah

I had the deepest voice and I was in a mixed school and there I was that was really funny do you know your voice broke early you were very advanced for your age

this is true but I didn't get my period until I was 16 so I wasn't that advanced no you weren't still have no boobs where the fuck are they I was thinking of getting

your tits for your 50th no I'd need it before that I'll get your tits for your 40th if you like okay Evoca Clinic Evoca two boobs please that would be fantastic your 50th. No, I'd need it before that. I'll get your tits for your 40th if you like. Okay. Evoca Clinic. Evoca. Two boobs, please.

That would be fantastic. A girl I know had a lift. Unless it's really expensive then I'm only getting the one. One of the greatest. Can I tag you in the second one? What if I tag you

in the second one? So funny. I know. You're like I've tits the size of my mouth Yeah I need to perk up I've got to teach something You know Colin Farrell

Your mate Avoca I'm telling you now One of the girls Got boobs for her 40th Yeah And she went there And they are phenomenal

Really That's what I say Yeah Wow I don't know why I'm whispering This is something To think about Every time you say Avoca I'm like food Food I know Food and face something to think about every time you say a Vogue

I'm like food food I know food and face food and tits tits and food tits and food yeah it's great

so she's in the same the clinic is in the same area as the Vogue cafe you don't know a Vogue because you're not educated they have amazing salads and stuff

a nice home where actually it's amazing in Ireland it's fab but anyway yeah she's in the same area so you can get your tits done and get us at it ooh that sounds like

a great day out do you know your fella Colin Farrell's only 5 foot 8 this is where we broke up oh yeah are we starting a rumour here

I believe I am yeah okay well I want to start a rumour who do I it was so annoying when Leonardo DiCaprio and I broke up yeah

because you got too old for him I did I got too old for him and we tried to keep our relationship private because I was married indeed

so like I just didn't want to get him in trouble I'll tell you now I know that Leonardo obviously he's a big womaniser and all that jazz I think he was when he was young

he was gorgeous I still fancy him I think I'll always fancy him I think there's so I don't know now I'll tell you where I really fan was when he was young he was gorgeous I still fancy him I think I'll always fancy him I think there's so I don't know I'll tell you where I really fancied him was Wolf of Wall Street

oh my god do you remember when Margaret Robbie one of the best lines and she came in accusing him of having an affair and she said the name of the woman he was

having the affair with and he went who who and she goes what are you a fucking owl who who yeah yeah yeah I love that

great line she's a ride she is such a ride Tom Cruise is 5 foot 7 well we all knew that he won't click around in kitten heels he does yeah

Kendrick Lamar 5'6 he hides a heel in his in his little shoes hides a little heel I don't think there's anything wrong with that

if you're uncomfortable Joe Jonas is 5'7 I don't know those Jonas's there's three they're all the kind of that generation of they used to be quite holy they kind of morph into one for me

Kevin Hart 5'4 I couldn't tell you Demi Lovato Joe Jonas same person as far as I'm concerned 5'3 Kevin Hart no there's three Jonas oh there's three there's three Jonas brothers

anyway all I'm saying is I don't mind a shorter man no indeed yeah and you've and you've proven that point because you married one I have proven that point and I've done my bit for society The three Jonas brothers. Anyway, all I'm saying is I don't mind a shorter man. No, indeed. Yeah, and you've proven that point because you married one. I have proven that point and I've done my bit for society. You have indeed. You're welcome.

Someone has to marry them. I have taken a shorter man off the market for all the girls. Yeah. Room for other men to grow. And get rods in their legs. I just think like, I just think it's such a, what would I say? A dramatic and very violent way to be 15% more attractive. I just think like I just think it's it's such a what would I say a dramatic and very

violent way to be 15% more attractive oh god I'd be tortuous like I'd want to be looking at 20-25 do you know what I mean I mean imagine the pain I think 15 is

like yeah but he's gone up 5 well I don't know but he's gone up to 6 foot and he was 5 5-5 or something 6 foot is sexy there's no denying

Joe what height are you? 5-10 and a half so it means you 5 5'5 or something. 6 foot is sexy there's no denying. Do you know what height are you? 5'10 and a half So it means you're 5'8 because lads always want to. I'd say I was 5'11 but that's a lie I'm 5'10. I'm 5'11. I'm 5'10. So many times when I meet pod listeners out and about

they say you're taller you're taller. I don't know why I think it's because you're quite tall that I look small in comparison. You're so lucky. I look and I don't know why I think it's because you're quite tall that I look small in comparison you're so lucky I look petite I've never been

I was like what oh my god stop I know I want to be the small one it's like the Kardashians because Kim and all are so small if Kim stands

beside Kendall like they're nearly half the height I think as well women are we're kind of told to be cute and petite and that's what makes

us valuable and actually no we're two fucking really tall women. Yeah. Taking up loads of space in the world. And I have giant hands. As we are entitled to do. And I have giant hands. So don't slag me about them because I can carry a lot of shit.

You can. Three children in one hand. I've seen her do it. Three kids in one hand. And Spenny's balls. Yeah. That takes a whole hand to itself. Balls.

Entire masculinity taken in one hand. Did you see that thing in the press? yeah that takes that takes a whole hand to itself entire masculinity taken in one hand did you see that thing in the in the press about about the the semen ritual

I saw it on Vice was it on Vice oh what is it so basically it's platonic erotic male bonding Joe goes to it

he pointed me in the direction yeah don't you dare don't you dare well it is pride you need to get involved it starts with platonic don't say you don't love a wank class bully in support of pride that's fine but I don't do that

okay Joe doesn't do it in fairness look at us we're talking about rumours now we're spreading rumours about Joe going to wanking class yeah why not get in in the middle we're in the rumour mill now get in Joe hop in it's a the rumour mill now get in Jo hop in it's a type of nourishment

that speaks to men building each other up and then by the end of it they have a wank but remember we were doing a pilot for a TV show and we went to this basically where like

you had to you basically were going to finger finger bang at the end and I was like I'm not I'm not finger banging beside Joanne

I'm just not doing it we made a pilot for a channel and then as you can tell they didn't want us it has yet to air but anyway

but one of them was this kind of sex class and yeah you kind of get yourself off at the end

and I was like the camera was still on me and I was like, do you think I'm actually going to do this? Joanne's hands were halfway down her pants

when I halted. I think, because I actually got really annoyed then with the camera. I was like, go away. Like we're not doing that.

We're not doing that. But then, I think that show was never made in the end and didn't Cara Delevingne make a show similar? Yeah. Came out before, so we were never going to get it then. And then she, I think that show was never made in the end and didn't Cara Delevingne make a show similar yeah came out before we were never going to get it then

and then she I think she did my God on hers stop I was like god damn it no I couldn't I think she did hers was brilliant

Pawn Away is in my private time 100% I'm busy afternoon today now what time are we going to be finished I do like I mean I like to get out and about but a public point

I would really draw the line there I need to be honest I thought you'd enjoy the news that Jennifer Aniston said she's giving up exercise she said the workouts have broken her body

so like you not going to the gym is like there you go you've got a free pass I'm just lying in bed am I healing folk? you're looking you're looking after your body

drinking wine in bed I'm actually healing do you know what I was thinking the other day three if I had to choose now I say I change actually healing do you know what I was thinking the other day three if I had to choose now I say I change all the time

you know they're like your dream dinner guests yeah yeah yeah I would choose I find that a really difficult question well I've one of my

my new group at the moment okay Jennifer Aniston Reese Witherspoon Chelsea Handler okay well I'm sitting right here

but that's fine whatever you're not invited do you want to drop one of them for me okay fine you're not invited well you're not coming handler. Okay well I'm sitting right here but that's fine. Whatever. You're not invited. Do you want to drop one of them for me? Okay fine. You're not invited. Well you're not

coming to mine. You can come around after for like a espresso martini. There's nothing more offensive than being invited to the afters right?

You can come to the afters. No don't bother. I don't want to be invited to the afters. That's like such a like that's like that's hurtful.

It is insulting and it's hurtful. Imagine I was like Chelsea sorry Vogue wants to come and there's only three seats Vogue who I see every single day of my life

I would have gotten rid of Chelsea as well if I had to get rid of one of the three of them no I wouldn't get rid of Chelsea if I had to get rid of no I wouldn't they're

they're also really good friends I think I'd quite I do like that group but like I'd love JLo could be quite interesting because I know that they get on the three girls get on already

I wouldn't I've really thought about this I really have because you know the way I don't like mixing groups I get on the three girls get on already I wouldn't have really thought about this I really have because you know the way I don't like mixing groups I don't like the stress that's why I can't decide

whether or not to have a 40th because I don't like mixing groups of friends I think you have to have a 40th so that's why the girls Rhys, Chelsea and Jennifer

will be relaxing because they know each other so I don't have to worry about them getting on I never thought you would have thought so much about your dinner party guests

yeah because I was reading an article I was reading an article about, I was reading about Jennifer Aniston the other day. They are good friends. They're really good friends, yeah. What else is happening to you this week? See, I couldn't bring you because you don't know them.

Joanne, you don't know them. They might think that you're crap and I would be there to break the ice. I don't think you're their kind of girl. Chelsea Handler, I got very excited, but nothing came of it, shared a story that I'd tagged him before so someone had filmed

someone was watching her Netflix special and said I think they said on my two favourite Chelsea Handler my other favourite comment from Anne McLean

and Chelsea shared it and I was like oh my god are me and Chelsea Handler friends but we're not nothing came of it and I was like oh my god

my name is on Chelsea Handler's but now she didn't follow She can't even follow us from that No I don't know I don't know I don't keep track Nothing came. But then I was like, oh my God, Chelsea. My name was on Chelsea Hunter's where they were like, but now she didn't follow me. Did she get any new followers from that? No. Oh, I don't know. I don't know. I don't keep track.

No. The two of us are glaring at ourselves. We're being filmed and I'm not, I'm not happy. I'm so paranoid because I look awful.

It's too late to put the glasses on I'm so tired she puts the glasses on at the very end it's too late my friend Jo's gonna send me again

this video where I it makes me cry and I'm like why is my head so large I've got self esteem issues oh my god did you see this I've got self-esteem issues.

Oh my God. Did you see? Man peels bananas to save money at the self-checkout. Have you seen that? So what was he actually doing? So you were taking the banana out. A shopper has gone viral

after his money-saving technique has been scrutinized online. In an attempt to save cash on his fruit, the man takes off the peel before weighing them on the supermarket scales. Stop.

That's an illness now, come on. Six banana peels weigh around 60 grams. That's weight he was previously paying for. He transports them home in a separate plastic bag

for his other shopping. So he just brings home these exposed bananas. That won't even last. You'll have to make banana bread. They go brown in like five minutes. What does he stuff them back in? I guess it's not really stealing

because you don't eat that part of the banana. It's just like bringing home the wrapper. Do you know what annoys me? You know when you get bananas and they're in plastic it's like but they're already

in a wrapper. Why did you put them in another wrapper? I know and also not to get all environmental about it but like why are they this really annoys me,

we're trying to reduce plastic. Why does food come in still so much plastic? I don't know. We're the ones bringing in our fucking cardboard boxes to bring our food home and then every single thing, all the fruit, veg, everything's in plastic. I know, it is so annoying. Ever since I saw that ski slope in Dubai, I know that we're absolutely

goosed. There's just no point. With the outdoor air con and a ski slope. Yeah, there's just no point getting annoyed about a banana in plastic anymore because we're just goosed, you know. There's a woman who's 108, right? She's revealed that the secret to her long life was having dogs instead

of children. So I did a little deep dive. Again, I love a deep dive. How much older does a child make you look? What do you think? Ooh. How much older?

Well, I know you can't get Botox if you're pregnant, so I'm going to look about 80 within nine months. Yeah. 20 years. Okay, that's offensive because you're looking at me

when you're deciding that. I'm counting the lines. You're like a tree. I'm like, put her out but you can see. Five years older than their child-free counterparts.

Supposedly each pregnancy ages a mother by two years. Oh no. What? That's why everyone's always like who's the older sister out of Amber? And I'm like,

okay, rude. Well, I would struggle to tell you an Amber's age apart. Amber is, considering she's like me, she loves a party. She is getting away with murder.

She's getting away with, do you know what? All I keep telling myself. Her skin is amazing. All I keep saying, it's going to catch up with her. It's going to catch up with her. We're just hoping it catches up with her because we can't stand the injustice of it. We can't. Do you want to know how much money you'll save if you don't have kids?

233 grand it costs to have a kid till they're 18. What if I get rid of mine at 14 what do I save I'd say you'd save a fair bit I think that's when they actually start costing money

whoa I don't think that's like I don't think that's the absolute worst for a kid for 18 years 18 years oh I can't I hope mine never leave

I love having mine in the house I like I let them sleep in the bed all the time now I don't give a shit I was like don't make bad habits I'm like I don't care

and I literally fell asleep through the night holding she's it's very comforting she's so cute she's so cute tea kicks the crap out of you in the bed

so it's like babe no no you've got to I have to transport him back to his room I don't really remember like sometimes if I had nightmares my parents would let me in but mostly

I was kept in a box in the kitchen yeah under the stairs I lived under the stairs it was the 80s babes that's what happened Amber and I used to share a room and we'd be up for hours

and I only because the other night when I was trying to put them to bed everyone was like wow how did you get your kids down at 7 I didn't they were going wild like animals

till about half eight and I just remember doing that with my sister we used to play this game where we'd turn off the light and then you'd have to make a face and put the light on and then you'd have to change your face

when it went back off and do another face when it went back on I'd love a sister sisters are good I have a brother I love him but we couldn't share a room

do you know what I mean Amber and I yeah Amber and I were very close growing up. We're still very close now. Yeah, you are in fact. So Amber, after the birthday drama, where basically we were given out about her reposting her birthday messages.

She was like, she tried to tell me her excuse. She's like, well, some days if I'm not having the best day, I'll look back on them and think, wow, look at all the friends I have. They love me. I'm loved. You can just download it into your gallery do you know what I mean

yeah I mean we don't all need to live through it but I got you remember we were saying about my mum we were slagging her for for

what was she doing we were slagging her for toasting her her new followers and I was like oh I'm going to disown my mum well I saw it all over the papers then the next day

and I was like oh my god I hope my mum doesn't see that because it's like Vogue Williams disowns her mum and then Sandra's got bigger fish

Sandra's just busy living her glam life she's not scaring the net for gossip I know but she well I don't know I'd take Sandra

if you didn't want her no I want Sandra she's mine I'll keep her she's a lot of work now Sandra she doesn't seem particularly attached to you I will say

she's a lot of work that one she'll never ring you you'll always have to ring her and if you don't ring her she'll let you know about it she'll be like oh oh don't worry about me i'm okay she'll send you a message or something like that it's like okay well you could have rang me you've gone to the effort of texting me my mom on the other hand um is very full-on and when i lived i lived in dunhaire a couple years ago and she was she whatsapped me but I just didn't reply

because that's how I roll and she fucking drove down to the house stop ding dong I was up in the bed

and I was like what and she said I obviously don't answer the door either and and then she messaged me that's me I'm outside

and I was like went down and I was like what are you doing and she's like well you didn't answer me I was worried I was like it was like two hours me that's me I'm outside and I was like went down and I was like what are you doing and she's like well you didn't answer me I was worried

it was like two hours ago that's so cute that was it she said you weren't online because she watches you see

if I'm online or not she watches me go on and off because when you weren't online I was really worried so she drove down

to the house drove to the house okay just show off my mum might hear from me for two weeks she wouldn't give a shit well with my mother there's a thin line

between parenting and full-blown stalking and she does, she sometimes tips them into the second. And with that, we're going to say goodbye. I'm convinced

she has a burner account online. Like, I feel she's watching. Oh, yeah. My stepdad does. Does he? Yeah. Shut up, I follow him. He was here.

No, Joanne, no. She's very attractive to Scottish accents and it makes me feel uncomfortable. Leave Neil alone. He's not for you. They're very happily married. What do they know?

I don't know. That's got a vibe off Neil, of course. Okay, thank you very much, everybody, for listening. You got on very well, Neil. And that's us finished now, talking forever Sandra's a bit

absent I would say bye that's what I heard okay thanks thank you thank you bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye bye

bye bye bye bye bye bye bye Thank you.