Off Menu with Ed Gamble and James Acaster - Ep 159: Felicity Ward

Episode Date: August 24, 2022

Superb stand-up and Live at the Apollo star Felicity Ward has a reservation this week. And James has a guess at what's in a salad. Go to felicityward.com for Felicity’s latest tour dates.Follow Felicity on Twitter and Instagram @FelicityWardRecorded and edited by Ben Williams for Plosive.Artwork by Paul Gilbey (photography and design) and Amy Browne (illustrations).Follow Off Menu on Twitter and Instagram: @offmenuofficial.And go to our website www.offmenupodcast.co.uk for a list of restaurants recommended on the show.Watch Ed and James's YouTube series 'Just Puddings'. Watch here. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, listeners of the Off Menu podcast. It is Ed Gamble here from the Off Menu podcast. I have a very exciting announcement. I have written my first ever book. I am absolutely over the moon to announce this. I'm very, very proud of it. Of course, what else could I write a book about? But food. My book is all about food. My life in food. How greedy I am. What a greedy little boy I was. What a greedy adult I am. I think it's very funny. I'm very proud of it. The book is called Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy. And it's coming out this October, but it is available to pre-order now, wherever you pre-order books from. And if you like my signature, I've done some signed copies,

which are exclusively available from Waterstones. But go and pre-order your copy of Glutton, the multi-course life of a very greedy boy now. Please? Welcome to the Off Menu podcast, shaking up the bottle of the internet, popping the cork of conversation, and spraying the foam of humour all over each other's faces. My name is Ed Gamble. James A. Caster here. And this is a food podcast, James, the Off Menu podcast. Yes, we have a dream restaurant, Ed and I. I'm the dream genie waiter. Ed is the dream proprietor. The dream proprietor. The matriodine. The matriodream. I took us a while to eventually get there. It's only taken nearly 200 episodes, but there we are, the matriodream. Yeah, the

matriodream, Ed Gamble. And we invite a guest in every week, and we ask them their favourite ever start, a main course dessert, side dish and drink, not in that order. And this week, our guest is Felicity Ward. Brilliant comedian. Fantastic comedian. One of the very best. One of the VBs. Never done an Edinburgh show, a tour show that is anything less than brilliant. Always delivers. You can catch one. Those are different shows she's popped up on. Well, I mean, it take ages to list them all. Yeah. But like, on the UK, Australia television. Look her up on the Internet. Yeah, look her up. Watch all that stuff. She's fantastic. But if she says the secret ingredient that we have predetermined, she will be removed

from the dream restaurant by either the dream genie or me, the matriodream. He's really loving his new title. And this week's nice to be involved. The secret ingredient is jelly from a pork pie. Jelly from a pork pie. Look, you know, I guess what we're saying is if they bring up pork pie, then we're going to kick them out because the jelly's disgusting. Well, we're going to ask them about the jelly. And if they're like, it has to have the jelly, we're going to kick her out. And you've got to get kicked out because I understand it's integral to the way the pork pie is made or how it's stored, et cetera. But I think the reason why many pork pies exist is so we don't have to see the jelly. So we can just pop them

in straight in and they can just eat it and like pretend like the jelly is not happening because I don't think anyone, the first time they picked up a slice of pork pie and saw that jelly for yum yum. No, not at all. And while we're here, fuck the pork pies with a hard boiled egg in the middle. Fuck them. Hard boiled eggs. I probably would like them. Yeah. Okay, sorry. Yeah, yeah, I've had them in the past. I don't mind them. Yeah, yeah, yeah, they were like, yeah. Well, that's not a secret ingredient. The secret ingredient is jelly from a pee pee. Jelly from a pee pee. Don't want it. If Felicity says it, she's going to be out and you know, with a heavy heart with a heavy heart because she is great. Anything to plug before

we go in? Nothing really. I mean, you're called the major dream now. I'm called the major dream. Depending on when this goes out, I might have tour dates at gamble.co.uk. My show is called Electric. It's been going well is going to go well has gone well. I'm doing a tour of Scandinavia for a week in September. Yes. So you might have done your tour of Scandinavia again. I might have got the bug. You know, most likely, if I've already done it, I'd recommend just googling James A. Gaster Scandinavia to read the reviews of how badly it went to see how much of a car crash every single gig was. I've never known anyone to be able to have such a massive meltdown in such cold weather. Yeah, that'll be one of the audience reviews. I can't wait.

All improvised? Improvise the whole show. When you say that, what do you mean? Well, I mean, I'm definitely not going to bother writing anything in advance. I might on the day think to myself, here are some things I could talk about and then just go on stage and start talking about them, but nothing will be, you know, I haven't got any time to do work in progress here or anything like that. And you don't want to? I don't want to. And I don't sit down and write stuff anyway. I always work up on stage. So that means I have to, by default. Just starting off in Scandinavia? Just go on stage and just start talking. Fine. When was the last time you got into Scandinavia? Oh, I think never.

Okay, so quite a long time. Been a real while. Well, me and Benito definitely flying out. Yeah, you'll be more than welcome. I can't wait to see you guys. Let me know what date you want comps for. I'll sort them out. Every day, this is the off menu menu of Felicity Ward. Welcome Felicity to the Dream Restaurant. Thank you. Welcome Felicity Ward to the Dream Restaurant. We've been expecting you for some time. Well, I only turned up when you asked me. So, if you've been waiting, it's very much on your shoulders. James says that to every guest, and I always worry every time he says it, that they're going to get offended like they were late or get worried that they were late

and they should have been. But it's just a turn of phrase, isn't it? Yes. Yeah. I don't know how it, I mean, it wasn't, I don't think we did it in the first episode. No, definitely not. I don't know when I started saying it, but it started just becoming, that was the thing. It feels right to say it like that. Okay. I think it's meant to be like a mystic thing. It's like we'd been expecting you for all of the time. Oh, okay. And time is a construct. Time is a construct, exactly. You were always destined to be here. Yeah, okay. We've been, and I should be like

astounded by the mysticism of it. Yeah. Like, oh my God, they've been waiting for me. Yeah. It actually comes across mildly passive aggressive. Yeah. Just a little bit. And we already, we have been expecting you for some time. We booked you and we expected you to come for that amount of time, which is some time. It's true. Oh, this is like being in my marriage all over again. Chris and I have very different ways of communicating. Right. And so I hear something that sounds like a little bit sharp and he's like, I don't know what you're talking about. I'm just being direct. I'm like direct sounds mean. And so I respond with meanness because I am mean. The great thing about that is it sums up all

marriage conversations in that you both come out of it sounding annoying. Yeah. Yeah. And then you're like, why are we arguing about a cup? Do you want the cup or not? No, great. Well, I'm going in the lounge room now. Tell me more about this cup. I want to know more about the cup. Well, if it's one that my husband has used, his name's Chris, if he's used it, I will drink out of it. If I've used it, he absolutely won't drink out of it. We have very different levels of hygiene. I'm on the more disgusting end and he's on the more disgusted end. I feel like if you're married, living together, you've basically got the same mouth.

You would think so. Yeah, that's not how it works. Like our son is also disgusting. We have a lot in common and he will eat my face like and I'm like, yeah, that's what you've got to do. We've done an episode with him. That was a starter. Yeah. Mum's face. And we had to get a new microphone. And then when he does it to Chris, Chris will go, oh, yuck. I'm like, that's our baby. He loves our baby more than anything. Yeah. But babies are gross. And I like lean into it and he does. He reacts like a stranger's done it to him on the tube. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He basically treats the world like the tube.

I get a bit like, yeah, I kind of, if I'm looking to fill up my glass of water or whatever around the flat, and I'm like, oh, which one's mine? And which one? And I'm like, why do I kiss him all the time? Not just on the mouth. I kiss him all the time. Other bits. I'm just saying like the mouth is gross, like scientifically, but there's other bits that are also gross. You've come in and the first thing you've done is talked about James kissing ladies' bits. Yeah. Like it's just immediately sexualising poor James A. Caster. It's intimacy. It's not sexualisation. This isn't a random person. This is someone who he's swapped bodily fluids with. Yeah.

You've done it. It's a weird way to meet, isn't it? It is a weird way to meet. We both turned up. Did a PCR test. With a jar each. Did a trade. Both football stickers. Yeah. That's your first meal. Yeah. Oh, even I feel sad after saying that. You're a food fan, though. I know you're well enough to confidently say that at the start of the podcast that you're a fan of food. Yeah, I'm a fan of food out of the house. I don't cook good things for myself. I'm a real get by kind of girl. I don't give a shit about lunch. Lunch is a waste of my life. I've always felt like that. I'm like, what can I stick in my mouth so I'm not hungry anymore? It's a slice of Yarlsburg. Most of a pack of salami. I might

have a banana and an apple to, you know, get some kind of vitamin in there. But that's really, that's really how I feel about lunch. Going out. Very different experience. Then I'll really tuck in. A pack of salami and a slice of Yarlsburg sounds like quite a nice lunch. Yarlsburg cheese? Yeah. Yarlsburg's cheese. Swiss. You're a foodie, aren't you? Yeah. Well, I mean Yarlsburg, sounds like a I don't know, like a Swiss cheese. Like a Swiss cheese. Like like like a like from the American south. Yarlsburg. Yarlsburg! It's a lager. You've made me a delicious pie in the past. It was delicious. Yeah, did I make that or did? You made it. Oh, did I? Fuck, I don't know. Yarlsburg and salami pie.

Yeah, yeah. So was Yarlsburg. Yeah, you said it was a pie, it was just, they would roll up into cigar That's the best way to eat them. It is. Straight in. Yeah. And then you get the double satisfaction on top and bottom. You're not just one layer top and bottom of your teeth. They both get the satisfaction of perforating it.

Have you ever rolled up a bit of salami in the Ellsberg and had a sort of double cigar formation? I'm not a fucking idiot. Of course I have. Of course I have. Would you do that at a continental breakfast perhaps if they had a cheese and meat platter? Do you know what? I don't get into the cheese and salami of a breakfast.

I'm very sweet when it comes to breakfast. No, that's not true. I'm not into the... I'm not into that, no. The cold cuts. No, the charcuterie. Charcuterie. That's a hard word to say, isn't it?

Every time I'm like... Charcuterie, cold cut. Is it... Continental breakfast. Is it charcuterie? Is it charcuterie? Yeah. Charcuterie.

Charcuterie. What is that? Is it charcuterie? I'd say charcuterie. You love ordering them. I do. Oh, I'd have one of those if I was picking at an afternoon tea or even at lunch. Again, I'd order that for lunch somewhere.

Continental breakfast, not for me. We're talking bircher. I mean, I'm Australian, so breakfast is very much what we do. That's something that I feel confident in saying. I'm a big fan of the Australian nation. Ooh, there's a question coming in. Here you go. But I don't feel like you can claim breakfast.

Really? You can go breakfast is what we do. I don't think you could say that. I mean... The world has breakfast. When did you go to Australia? What I think you can claim is brunch. You have avoided the question.

I think... I went to Sydney Airport once and I was there first thing in the morning and I didn't see anyone eating. Yeah, brunch. All right. You know that's fair. But we... Our restaurants and cafes are open earlier, so over here, like a restaurant might open

at eight o'clock or a cafe might open at eight o'clock where they're open at six in Australia because people get up because there's sunlight and they don't hate themselves as much because they have the right amount of vitamin D. Yes. So there's like... There is a cafe culture that opens much earlier. Great. Yeah.

I mean, in Australia, I wake up for breakfast. I am properly... You know, I've got a decision to make and where I'm going to go, what I'm going to have, whereas other countries I've been to and toured in or whatever, you wake up in the morning and that's not necessarily the first thing in your mind. When I'm doing a UK tour, I'm like, well... How can I get out of here? Yeah, yeah.

But you know, America, Australia, New Zealand, big breakfast towns. Mm. New Zealand, a very big breakfast town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Let's not brush over the bircher thing. I want to talk more about bircher muesli. All about bircher. It very rarely comes up on the podcast.

Really? And I love bircher muesli so much. Who doesn't? Well, actually, I know lots of people that don't like it. I don't understand it. It's perfect for me. And in fact, I went for a cup of coffee with a friend yesterday, was a bit hungry, went into a pret, got a bircher, 4 p.m.

Yeah. It's a lovely little snack. Yeah. The pret one's pretty good. The pret one, it's a good side. You get, you've got a tube ride home, but you're not filling yourself up for food or dinner. Mm-hmm.

I hit my glass there by accident, but it sounded like I was just agreeing with. A toast. Yeah, it nearly was. To bircher. Point in character to it as well. Yeah. Will you make a bircher at home? A bircher?

Yeah, I do a bircher at home. At home, I wouldn't, I wouldn't go, I've made a bircher. I'd go overnight oats to make it sound simpler because I feel like there's things in bircher that I'm not doing. What are you putting in your bircher? I'd just do like almond milk oats, would actually go a bit of protein powder. Of course. You know, because keep the gun, keep the guns up.

I thought you were going to say keep the gun up, but I'm like, I haven't heard that word since the 90s. We can have a thousand more guests and no one would have thought he was going to say that. I've got to keep my gun up. Did you ever use that word over here? Never ever used it out loud. But you do. I'm fully aware of what it means.

I mean, I basically once, some horrible man told me what it was and I never thought about it again. It was probably my dad. I put a bit of protein powder in, then I'd put maybe some frozen raspberries in or fresh raspberries. Okay. Mix it all up. Yeah.

Leave it in the fridge. Yeah. Quite often on a Saturday night, because I do a radiation on a Sunday morning, then I can just grab it, take it with me to the radiation hall. No grated apple? No. So that's why I feel weird calling it a bircher. Yeah.

And don't you soak it in juice? Isn't that part of it? Well, sometimes I think you can soak it in juice. These are more overnight oats. Yeah. Well, why don't you, why don't you treat yourself to a bit of a, why don't you upgrade? On my dream as well. You soak it in a bit of juice overnight and then I think you can mix it with yoga the

next morning. Wackier put a couple of nuts in there. My mum has it every single morning and she tells me, she's done that for 10 years. And I'll get, if I go over there and she goes, I've made you breakfast, would you like a bit of bircher muesli? I've just soaked them over and she will go through what she's done. She's been doing it for a decade. I'm like, I know exactly what's in there.

I appreciate it. My mum is amazing where she talks about the food that she's cooked like she's just completed a Heston Blumenthal recipe. And she's like, I just had a nice little salad with, you know, a little bit of lettuce and some parsley for the garden. And I'm like, yeah, this sounds like a pretty standard salad. Yeah, I get that. Sure.

Sure, sure, sure. I don't have a functioning oven for years and one of the stove tops worked. And she was all right with that. And one, when I was staying out there once, I got home and it was really late and I said, I'm really hungry. And she said, there's a frozen pizza in the freezer. I was like, oh, okay, I'll just whack that in the oven. She goes, the oven doesn't work.

Why don't you put it on the barbecue? I'm like, oh, I didn't know if barbecue's defrost. She's like, no, no, no, it'll be fine. And so I cooked it. I don't know if you've seen that episode of The Simpsons where Marge goes and then Homer tries to cook fish fingers and they're burnt on the outside and frozen. It was that. It was absolutely disgusting.

That was the same night she tried to tell me that she invented the phrase, get a room. And also tried to, like, get me over into cryptocurrency. Wow. My mum is a loose unit. I just say broadly, don't take crypto advice from someone who doesn't have a working oven. Or someone who cooks pizza on a barbecue. Yeah. Most Australian anecdotes we've ever had up here.

Oh, the same trip. Let me tell you this. I had, let me tell you this, have you had unblood him on? I love this character. Hello there, Chefs, how are you going? That's like my old working club man. We have things called RSLs in Australia, which are like return service league. They're working man clubs for people that have been in the military.

But there's always someone that's up at the bar that's like ordering, you know. I love this, how are you going? I love it. Absolutely love that. Yeah, they say this is something that my, so I'm just, I'm just being flooded with memories. My, my pop was very Australian. He's ex army as well. And one day when mum and dad had only been going out for a little while, mum caught a

wave and she lost her bikini top. And so she covered her hands. And came, like covered her boobs with her hands, came out of the water and my pop said, if those puppies are for sale, I'll have the one with the little brown nose sticking out. So up street. As soon as you said it I was like, oh that's going to kill him. That's going to kill him. Oh, imagine saying that to your future daughter-in-law.

Yeah. So bad. This is why I have no boundaries. I've never been taught them. My dad said that to my girlfriend. I'd be like, we're moving to a different country, and we never see him in my parents again. Oh, that's so funny. So, we always start with still or sparkling water.

Still water, all day long. All day. No interest in sparkling. Yeah. Had an argument about it last night with my husband. I was listening to the podcast, and he heard someone just going hell for leather on still water. He's like, is that fucking idiot? No, that's...

Like, what? It's the podcast, they're talking about still. He's like, you like sparkling water? I'm like, not by itself. He's like, you have it with elderflower. You have Coke. He got very upset about it. You have Coke? Yeah, like, it was the bubbles. I'm like, I don't like the bubbles.

Yeah, it's not good. And he's like, if you add sugar to it, you like it. I'm like, yeah, but we're talking about water. It's a substitute for water, and I only want plain water, still water. I'll even take tap water. You've got a water bottle with you? Yeah, I do.

I don't know if the last time I washed it, and that shows what I drink out of it. Yeah, your hostess's not going anywhere near that. Oh, no, he's already said it. I'm like, do you want some of my more airs out? He's like, no, absolutely not. I used to work in a restaurant, and I actually did a sparkling water taste.

Uh-huh. Taste up, and it was the most pretentious thing I've ever done. And they're like, can you tell how the bubbles are smaller in this one? I'm like, no. So you couldn't, and it was all... Were there other people saying they could? Yeah, no, I probably could. There were some that are more coarse than others.

Some have a very mild and sensitive bubble, and then others are quite aggressive. Yeah. We sold the San Pellegrino, which you'd be familiar with, and that's a medium-sized bubble. Yeah, so you're coming to this with some expertise in sparkling water, and you're someone who's explored the world of sparkling water,

has seen through the world of sparkling water, and you're all about the still. I'm still all about the still. I don't even mind just a good old-fashioned tap water. Room temp? Yeah, never iced. Never iced water. No.

I'm a little esophagus. OK, go on. You know, when you get... You know, when you get a... Don't you get a cold throat? Do I? Do you? No, I don't think I do. I don't think I've ever felt like my esophagus is frozen. Oh, I get it like a little cold stone at the back of my throat.

I'm like, oh, I can't have it. A little cold stone. A little cold stone. Oh, no. I'll have it, but I'll have a freezing Coke. I'll have loads of ice in that. Absolutely fine. But I suppose that there's so much bad stuff in there that, like, you can feel your teeth rotting, so maybe it distracts from the stone in my throat.

Maybe the acid is melting the frozen stone in your throat. Yeah, that's probably right. It works together. Yeah, that's why it's such a genius drink. Can clean your toilet, melt stones. So what do you have for your dream meal? Are you having a tap water or are you having a bottled still water that's, like, nice and cold but not iced?

Dream restaurant, I'd go a nice bottle of still water and probably in a big bottle, because I drink a lot. People comment on how much water I drink. Like, it's an issue sometimes. I don't know if that makes sense. Does it? Yeah. Pop it up with some bread. Bread. Pop it up with some bread, Felicity Ward. Pop it up with some bread.

Bread, 100% never going to go a pop it up. No, that's not true. I love pop it up, but I love pop it up with curry. What I wanted to ask was, with the bread, can I get little things with it? Depends what little things you're talking about. Basil leaves. You can, and then explain yourself.

Olive oil. Yes. A little bit of buffalo mozzarella. Interesting. And some tomato. It seems like what you've done there is you've just built yourself an extra starter around the bread. That is what I am doing. A little tricolor, I think it's called. I kind of feel OK about it.

If they're just little bits, it's just like... How little? Like a... What are those little dishes called? Ramekin? Ramekin, thank you. What did you say? I said bruschetta, because I thought dish is in a different type of dish.

Even if it's not a dish, it's a nightmare. Yeah, that is a nightmare. And I think that you pronounce the C. Bruschetta. Yeah. Which makes it sound dumb. I'm OK with that. Yeah. I'm OK with what I did. Yeah, yeah, it feels better to say bruschetta, because saying bruschetta sounds like your...

Bruschetta. Bruschetta, but I'm pretty sure you do. I can't bring myself to do it. James just went with bruschetta. Bruschetta. Yeah. Bruschetta. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And everyone in Kettering understands me. Little slack, George. Jimmy over there.

I can get a bruschetta when I'm in Kettering, which is only at Frankie and Benny's, I think. There must be somewhere else in Kettering you can get a bruschetta. I think there's a... I think maybe... What about a pizza express? As far as I'm aware, we haven't got a pizza express in Kettering. What? I don't think we do.

That sounds Google-able. We've got the best place to get pizza in Kettering is Frank's Pizza, not to be confused with Frankie and Benny's. Independent family run place, delicious pizza, and they might do bruschetta, but I'm not sure. If you ask. If you ask. Also, what I like about Frank's Pizza is that they're open whenever they feel like it.

Oh, I love that. You never know. What are your opening hours? Optional. That's what they are. If we can be bothered, we'll be open. Oh, I've got a lot of time for that. There's a Korean restaurant in Edinburgh called Kim's Mini Meals. Yes. Which I was, me and my wife were obsessed with for about three years running in Edinburgh

because it only seemed to open for two hours a day. Yeah. We were like, how are they staying afloat? Like, they seem to be open. I think they're open from like 5.30 to 7.30 or something. Yeah. Like, how's it working? And we could never go because it was always just before my show and then after my show. So we were like, I'm never going to be able to go.

And recently I went to Edinburgh and I was like, I'm going to go to Kim's Mini Meals. And I went at six o'clock and I worked out how they're able to stay afloat. Is there's just a queue for two hours solidly and they're just pumping people in and out. And it's such good food. Let's dig into this loophole a bit more.

The bread. It's not for sure, I've been told. But like, you got your bread and you got your basil, your tomato and your mozzarella on it. I think we've let people have loopholes similar to this in the past. Yeah. As long as the bread is the main component. So this is the bread is the centrepiece and you've got little bits to just like...

Just pop on top. Just pop on top. It's like having a dish of butter but instead of the butter, you've got mozzarella. Yeah. Yeah. It's like having a garlic rubber cheese, really, isn't it? Yeah, sure. It's like having a garlic pizza before your meal. Did you say olive oil and balsamic? No, I don't care for that. No balsamic.

No, because it's not 1997 anymore. Oh, shots fired. Shots fired. Come on, mate. That came out then, it can stay there. It's so 90s now. Anyone who's out, it's like, why don't you go and get some sweet potato wedges and, well, no, just potato wedges

and sweet chilli sauce and sour cream. People went balsamic barmy in the 90s. They went nuts. It was on pears. It was on strawberries. It was on strawberries. It was foul. I just... I remember as a kid going over to my friend's house and his mum was like, you never guess what we're having for dessert. Strawberries with black pepper and balsamic vinegar.

That sounds disgusting. I won't be having that. Thank you. Especially knowing what Ed was like as a little boy. Very... Like a restaurant critic. He was like, not today. Thank you very much. Sally, this is a three and a half out of five, you know? It's the same with, like, the chilli chocolate and the chilli mango that came out in the late 90s. I'm glad other people enjoyed that, but not for me.

That's a no deal. Sure. Well, I still... I'll make myself little caprese salads. Is that right? Caprese at home and I'll put some balsamic on it still. I do have a bottle of balsamic at home. I'm starting to slightly get back into it. Everything comes around. It comes around again.

Fashion's 90s again. It's vintage. Balsamic's back in. It's... Yeah, it's kitsch. My girlfriend bought a bottle of balsamic glaze and I'm not going anywhere near that. Too sweet. Oh, I'll take a balsamic glaze. Really? Yeah, don't mind it. Don't mind it. Yep. Yeah, just a little bit on a salad with something else. But it can be used in cooking.

Oh, the stairs that I'm getting. Well, I'm not going to go into balsamic. It's weird to be into balsamic glaze and you're not into balsamic vinegar because I find often the problem with balsamic vinegar itself is it's too sweet of vinegar. So if you're into the glaze, that's bananas. And I think it's more about how people perceive balsamic vinegar

to be interesting, that they're like, actually, we're using balsamic vinegar. Like, yeah, so does everyone. We've all got access to a supermarket. What I was going to ask you about the balsamic vinegar before we move on is that your reasons for it are interesting because I interviewed you for a music podcast and you were saying you don't like artsy-fartsy like music.

And then at the end of the podcast, you kind of said, do you know what, I've got a chip on my shoulder that people will think that maybe if I don't like that music that they'll think I'm dumb or something. And I just want to be like, fuck you before I even get you. But it's balsamic vinegar. You're saying, I hate how people are like, we've got some balsamic on this.

And it's more like those kind of people who listen to, you know, clever, clever music and show off about it, just in the jazz or whatever. And if you use balsamic, I've hated them my whole life and I never want to become like them. Yeah, you know how most people have a chip on their shoulder? I don't have shoulders. I'm made entirely of chips. I am a tortilla bowl.

That is what I operate on. I am nothing but chips. I am opinions that were born out of insecurity in a dysfunctional household that I have molded into a career. And that's why we love you. Do you? A chip is.

So a chip is? A little chip is. So in the old man voice? A little bit of a chippy. Get yourself a hot chip with some sauce on it, eh? Your dream starter. Come on to your dream starter now. I've got questions. Yeah. Can you have more than one starter?

Depends. Depends how you present it to us. And bear in mind, you're on Rocky Ground already because we've let you get away with the stuff on the bread course. This is, this flies in the face of everything you stand for. What I'm about to. I basically want three of each course, except for dessert. Dessert, I'll just have one. So my question is, do I have to eat all of this

or can I just eat small bits of each? Well, we don't really let people get away with Global to Pass anymore, do we? No, Global to Pass was kind of a one-off. But like, people have, you know, ordered multiple things per course. Rave Spall comes to mind. So like... Name-dropping?

Yeah, yeah. We're probably in the same category, man, right? Do you have both of them? Yeah, yeah, can't wait to get your dad on. Get a country, let me tell you about it. Well, let's hear it first. OK. Because what we might make you do is pick one and then give the other two as honourable munchens. OK, munchens.

Is that what you call it? Oh, my God, I love it. We're adorable. Oh, you are adorable. The bear review, I want to stick you in my pocket. OK, the first one is, I mean, if we're going to talk wanker, I'm starting at Primo Wanker. Right, OK. We went to Thailand, my fella and I,

and we booked into, I'm sure you've watched Chef's Table, one of the restaurants is called Gagan, and it's an Indian restaurant in Thailand. And we booked it, and then we turned up, and they said, they do it randomly, but they said, would you like to be at the Chef's Table tonight? And we were like, are you fucking kidding me? She came here because of Chef's Table.

That's right, it was literally because of your Chef's Table. It's like you've read our minds. So we got there, and there's only like eight of us, and Gagan is cooking for us. Amazing. There's like a little kitchen. There's probably three or four, I was going to say helpers. I'm pretty sure they're chefs. And you got, I think we showed you the menu when you came over.

They gave us a piece of translucent paper that just had 23 emojis on it. And that was like the indication for each meal we were going to have. And then at the end of the meal, they gave us a normal bit of paper that you put underneath, and it had the names of each of the meals, and it lined up. I know. I love that. And every single meal had a story.

We got the backstory. It was incredible. The first one is what he's known for, which is called a yogurt explosion. And it served on like, you know, those Chinese soup spoons that they're like little broth spoons. It looks like a yolk, a white yolk, and then you eat it as one and it explodes in your mouth. Now, I have never cried before over food, but I got tears in my eyes,

and I felt like I was having a childhood memory of a childhood I never had. It was emotional. So that is very small, but delicious. What emoji did they use for the yogurt explosion? The explosion side. It wasn't an eggplant, if that's what you're thinking. The dripping side. What did you think they were going to...

I was just wondering. A cow? He was. He was. I was going to do the aubergine joke. It was had in there. Well done for cutting him up at the point. That's right. So you say it looks like a little yolk, so is it just pure yogurt?

What is it? What were we talking about? It's got like a liquid yogurt inside, different spices, and then the outside is like a yogurt membrane. I don't know how they've made that, because I'm not a chef. But it moves like a little ball of yogurt. Yeah, yeah. So, yeah. Almost like an egg yolk, really. Yeah, but it has a film around it.

That sounds delicious. That's delicious. The other thing that I had was... He's an egg. OK. I went one night, I went out in Melbourne. I'm glad there's a story after that. But just, I found an egg on the street and I ate it,

and it felt good. The egg. So I'm really torn. Yeah, I had something from the best restaurant in Asia, and I cooked an egg, and it is a real lone ball for me. So I was walking around Melbourne one night, and I was dressed up, and I don't know. I was like, I just want to eat something nice.

I want to go to a restaurant, and I want to have something nice, and I don't want to plan it. And I heard about this restaurant, and it was down in Alley, because it was Melbourne, and there's a line. So I lined up, and I was third in line, and then I got there. And he said, is it just for one? And I said, yes.

And so I went in, and the waiter came over, and he said, what would you like to eat? And I said, I really don't know. And he goes, do you want me to just order something for you? And I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do. He's like, do you want a starter and a main? And I'm like, yeah. He goes, OK, I'm going to order you a sun-in-law egg.

I'm like, fine. And then he ordered something else, and then he said, do you want a drink? I'm like, yeah, I want a drink. And I said, you make it up. You make it up. I was just non-alcoholic. You make it up.

And he brought back this goddamn vat of fruit and ice and mint and sweet and yummy and tangy. It was just the night of my life. I took myself on a date. And so this sun-in-law egg. Sounds like the way to take you on a date. Yeah, yeah, well, he didn't. So I left him a tip and everything.

You can't even pay for a date these days. And so a sun-in-law egg is, I think it's like a soft-boiled egg, but then they coat it in breadcrumbs and stuff, and then they deep fry that. So it's got, like, Scotch-ed vibes, but Asian. And I ate it, and it blew my mind. Both of them involve explosions in my mouth. Yeah.

Well, here's the thing. It's what I'm going to propose. OK. OK. It sounds like part of the reason that second one is so special is that you went there, you let the wait order for you. It was.

So how about in this situation, you let the wait order for you? That's me. That is very almost romantic. But you're picking from those two, right? Yeah, I'm choosing the first one. There is a third one. There's a third one. What's exploding in your mouth this time?

A wallaby. An actual wallaby. Oh, crikey. We went to Tasmania, and we went to this nice restaurant. Now, the thing about Tasmania, everything has a story, by the way. Nothing operates in a vacuum. Oh, lovely.

You know, as Eric Kendall was like, I don't know, a beer. I'm like, here is the opus that I've prepared. Good. We went to Tasmania. And the thing about Tasmania is they have incredible produce because all the wind that comes from the Antarctic is clear wind. It's not polluted at all. There's nothing in it.

So all of their house and the grass is all incredible produce. And what they did in the 90s was they were exporting all their produce everywhere, but their restaurants really weren't up to scratch. And then they went, hang on, we've got some of the best produce in the world. So their restaurant scene exploded. Now they have amazing restaurants in Tasmania.

So we went there, and my husband got this entree of wallaby. And I got the starter or something else that was still really good. His was so good, we were contemplating whether to also get it for dessert. Wow. And I think I'm probably just sad that I didn't order that then. Sure.

So there's a bit there of like you wish you had ordered it? Of yeah, of like food envy, retrospective food envy. Yeah, two questions. Hit me. How was the wallaby prepared and served? Follow-up question. What's a wallaby? Fair, all fair.

The wallaby was, I believe, roasted, very, very tender, just a couple of little maybe Dutch carrots next to it and some sauce, a nice jus, another very early 2000s reference there. Or didn't the jus just like hit us with a vengeance in the early 2000s? A wallaby is a smaller kangaroo. There you go. I think they might actually, if you go to London Zoo,

they have wallabies because every time, oh, this is sad. Every time I go there, I went there the other day. It's always great when I go to the zoo and there's an Australian section and mate, there's a couple of emus and a couple of wallabies and we just look at each other like, we don't belong here. We all look sad. Yeah.

I don't think I'm going to go to London Zoo specifically to look at something that you had for a starter once. Yeah. Why? Point, maybe I will. All three of those sound very special for different reasons and I like them all very much. And obviously, in an ideal world, your dream meal

is going to be all free for your starter, so I feel bad. But wait his choice. No, wait his choice. I trust you. Wait his choice. I'm going to go for the first one. I'm going to go for, I think that made you cry. Yeah.

You know, that sounds very, very special. It was. I feel confident with that too. Your dream main course for the city ward. Okay. Do you know what I've got? I've got one that I want and then I've got some honourable mentions.

Munchens. Munchens, pardon me, pardon me, pardon me. Or shall I say, pun me? No, you shouldn't say that. I wouldn't. I wouldn't. Pundit me? No.

That just sounds like my son trying to speak English. Oh, it's so great. He can't say his S's. Oh yeah? It's the best. What do you want honey? I'd like a snack. A knack.

He says H instead of S. Great. Great. My mum and dad still have a draw in the house called the knack draw because my nephews couldn't say snack. It's the best, isn't it? It's called the knack draw.

And they still say it. And my nephews now who can say snack. I like, it's the snack draw. How embarrassing. Yeah. I didn't know snack was such a tricky kid word. I think S is one of the last words sounds they can make.

Our whole family have like this secret language that we speak made up of all of the dumb things that we couldn't say. So we call Disney Disney. And we call, if something's nice, we say it's lulli boof or boofa lulli. Lulli boof. Yeah.

But lovely and beautiful or beautiful and lovely. It's like, oh, that jacket. Lulli boof. Lulli boof. Lulli boofa lulli. Oh, lulli. Boofa lulli. I love that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. I love it. Really like that. Oh, so soft. So soft and boofa lulli. Boofa lulli. Lulli.

Lulli boof. It's like giving clockwork orange. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. And then I got a message the other day. I've got loads of cousins. I've got 26 cousins.

And lots of them have kids now. And two of the kids of my cousins, one of them said, these are just quotes. Xavier must be like four now. And he went, oh, dad, Pelican's fucking stink. And then the other one was from my cousin's daughter, Harper. And she walks around the house going, oh, fuck her hells. Lovely stuff.

Lovely stuff. That's boofa lulli stuff. That is boofa lulli stuff. It's a lulli boof. Lulli boofa lulli. Fuck her hell. Do you say googie eggs? No.

All right, yeah, just checking. It's another one, like if you call it like an egg. Do you want some googie eggs? No. But what's that for? I can't really remember. What does that mean? You know, do you know the phrase, full as a goog?

No. That is a phrase that exists. And an egg is a goog. Full as a goog. Full as a goog. G, double O, G. But what does that mean? Look, I'm not an etymologist.

But do you use that phrase? Yeah. And when do you use it? If you've had a big meal, you're like, well, full as a goog. Full as a goog. What is it saying? Full as a goog. Informal means very drunk.

Drunk. Drunk Australian phrase, it says. Yeah, we never use it in that. And we call it, can you Google googie eggs? An egg or eggs usually when offered as food to a child. In widespread use, come on, eat your googie eggs. Yeah, googie eggs. And it's not helps at all, really.

It's just Australians, it's just googie eggs. Just to get kids to eat eggs. So let's hear what the Honourable Munchens are first. OK. And then, yeah. One is a barramundi tie-red curry. Lovely. Absolutely amazing.

There is a restaurant, ironically, literally across from the road from where my dream meal is from. And it's a tie restaurant in Sydney in Surrey Hills. And you can't book, you turn up, you give them your mobile number and they just text you when you've got a seat free. So you just hover around the city. Hate that. They absolutely hate it.

Hate it. The worst. You're rarely waiting for very long and there's a pub just next door. Yeah. So you're just going to get a beer there. Technology exists for people to book. Yeah. You could probably chill out, though, because you're not there.

So it's fine. I can't. I can't. I genuinely, I'm as annoyed hearing about it as I would be if I was there. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Ah! If you turned up and they said, yeah, it'll probably be about 10 minutes. Give us your mobile number.

You just go, absolutely not. I'm off. I would rather they said to me, we're full up, sorry. And then I just go away. I would rather that than they go, well, give us your number and we'll text you when there's a table. So, well, now I'm just going to be, as soon as I get the text, I'm like, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go.

I'm like, panic. We just look at my fine cos. We had that, we were in New York in 2017 when we went to St Anselm. Yeah. It's an amazing steakhouse. It was really good. But they went, just we'll take your number and we'll text you. I'm like, we're in a different country.

So I don't know if the number's going to work. Yeah. You're like, there's a good cocktail bar next door. I was like, well, will there be a seat there? It seems like this is a very popular street. We had to wait an hour and a half. Oh, that's too long. We've got smashed.

We've got absolutely smashed for the cocktail bar. And so you missed out on the nuance of the meal because you were hammered and you just wanted to line your stomach. You could have just easily had some chips and gravy and that would have done the same job. Yeah, yeah. I'm sorry to hear that. So the Thai Red Curry is from this place

where you have to give them your number. Yeah. Go away. They've got your number forever now. They don't give a shit about your number. Yeah. They're not going to use it for anything. They want to get your money.

They want to give you excellent food. They want to turn the table over. And also in Sydney, you have a crazy amount of Thai food that's very, very reasonable in price. You go to Melbourne. They don't have the same culture for Thai food. They have more Vietnamese restaurants. So at one point, I've absolutely got this fact wrong.

It's mutated over time. One of these is right. There's a place called King Street in Newtown in Sydney. And at one point, I think in the 90s, there were 70 restaurants on that street and 40 of them were Thai. Or there was 140 restaurants and 70 of them were Thai. OK.

I don't know which one. Right. Either way. A lot of Thai restaurants. Big odds. Yeah. Big odds on the torii. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah. Yeah, see, if I went to a restaurant and we did the phone number system, eventually me and the other people who went to the restaurant would get drunk. I'd go, would you want to text everyone? Yeah. Who's ever given us their number?

Yeah. On the website. What did you do to a database? I'd text it to them. It'd be so funny to get someone's number and then they say, actually, it's too long a wait. We're not going to have the meal. And then three years later, text them saying,

their table's ready. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That'd be great. Table's free now. Yeah. And also a little photo of you. Of you, like thumbs up next to the spare table. Pointed to it.

Yeah. OK, so there's that. That's an honourable mention. Also, in the year 2000, I went to Argentina and I had ordered a Parijada. Now, Parijada is like a mini barbecue that comes to your table and it just has every little bit of the animal cooking in front of you.

Unfortunately, I had quite a chronic UTI at the time, so I couldn't eat a lot. Yes. I was very, very unwell. So I didn't get to finish that meal. I ate like a little bit of some of it. I'm like, god damn it, that's so delicious. But I couldn't eat anymore.

So I have, like, regret. I feel regret. So you'd want to go the other way. It was the one that got away. It was the seven that got away. Yeah, yeah. So you want to go back to that meal, infection-free. Yes, please.

And finish it off. If possible. Here's the thing, though. Like all good genies, there's always a catch if I do stuff like that. So I can take the UTI away from you, but I'm going to have to give it to someone else. OK.

So who do you want it to go to? Maisie Adams. Yeah. Straight to Maisie. I think I can guess what your actual main course is. I think you can, too. I'm not what the dish is, but I can guess where it's from. Oh, OK.

Just because we've talked about Chef Table a bit in the past. I'm worried that you're going to say something that will then remind Felicity of something else and she'll be livid. Maybe it will. I just think, could you say it was... So I know it's in Sydney because you said that it was opposite the place where your main course is from.

Oh, yeah. And I know that you like Ben Shuey's restaurant in Sydney, and I'm thinking that maybe it might be from Ben Shuey's place because I know you've, I think you've been there. Interesting that you should say that. Yeah. We haven't been there. Oh.

Oh, that's right. We tried to book in and we can't. Right, yeah, you can't be about trying to book in. I've not actually seen a lot of Chef's Table, but I think I might have seen that one. You definitely have seen that one because me and you text each other doing it. He's the New Zealand guy who bares stuff in the pit.

Yeah. And so me and you, when the first series of Chef's Table went sat, it was series one. Yeah. And Ed and I would text each other pretty much for every episode of series one of Chef's Table and we really got obsessed with really one of Bae's stuff in the pit.

Yeah. And this was before we met Joe Thomas. No, it's not from that episode. OK, OK. So across from the Thai restaurant, which I can't remember the name, was a place up until last year. It closed down last year. It's been there for 30 years at least.

And it's called Harry's Singapore Chili Crab. And that was their dish. Yeah. They did a chili mud crab that blew my fucking mind. And it's filthy. And I worked at a seafood restaurant. So chili mud crabs became really big in Sydney in the early 2000s.

In the northern part of Australia, mud crabs really common. It's really cheap, so it's not as expensive. It was so expensive to eat in Sydney, I suppose, because of the transport and because it's seafood and they wanted it to be fresh. So you can get this in Northern Territory or North Queensland much easier.

But it's just a big bowl of crab that you need to hammer, massacre, nutcrack apart. I'm sure there's a better word for it. Is it nutcracker? I know exactly what you mean. You know what I mean? You've got to take the tools to it. You wear a bib.

You've got a big bowl of hot water with some lemon in it. You've got another bowl just for the detritus of the crab. You feel like an absolute animal eating it. Love it. Love it. Animal eating animal. Just hands. Probably you're going to get a little bit of a burn

on your finger because it's so hot, but it's so goddamn delicious that you can't wait. You've got chili all over your face. You do it with someone that you love because you know you won't be judged. Having said that, I'll eat that in front of anyone. But also having said that, you were saying earlier about your husband's views on his face being licked,

his mind using bowls. How's he feeling about would he really get stuck in there with a big bowl and would he love it as much as you? Yes. So he loves doing that. It's not about him not wanting to be dirty. He loves food. He lives for food far more than I do.

He just doesn't want to use the same finger bowl as you. He does not want to share a finger bowl. And that is fair. But he's 100% helpful either into one of those meals. And in fact, when he sees me enjoying food that much, that makes him as happy as he would be disgusted about touching me. If that makes sense.

He loves watching me enjoy food. It really brings him a lot of joy. But he doesn't want to go anywhere near you. Not without a shower, not without a fire hose. He does love food. He loves food. He gets emotional reading cookbooks. Yeah.

Great. Yeah. We have a lot of cookbooks. We're actually just finishing MasterChef Australia Season 7. I think we've still got plenty to go. So when I went round to Felicity's for dinner, then we're watching MasterChef Australia. At the time, I was like, oh, we're currently

watching that if you want to watch it after dinner. I was like, yeah, because I've watched one series once. That show is bananas. I love it. Yeah. I love it. Three months. They go and cook for three months in a competition.

It's the best MasterChef, I'll say. Yeah, it's the best MasterChef. By a million miles. Well, you give the Australians a format. They're going to absolutely nail it and then up it by about 3,000. Yeah. I think it's so, when I watch the English, that's the original, isn't it?

I watch that, I'm like, well, this isn't the same show. No. That's a lovely dish. I feel nothing. Whereas MasterChef, you're like, oh, god. You're stressed for the entire time, the whole hour. We actually had to like give ourselves a time out. And we made a rule the other day that we can't watch more

than one MasterChef a day. We don't have the nervous systems for it. I don't have the constitution. All right, well, I'm going to start watching it, obviously. There's 11 seasons and there's 64 episodes per season. What are you talking about? There is 64. What is that?

You must be overestimating for humour or overstating it. Your dream side dish. Well, there's probably side dishes that are more interesting out there. But the only other time I've become emotional about food was in Corfu. It was the first night and we went to a restaurant. And of course, we got a Greek salad, because we're in Greece.

And I ate it. And again, I tasted like the most perfect Greek salad I've ever had. And I was like, this is so delicious. And it may be that I've been living in a restaurant and it may be that I've been living in the UK for so long and you do get produce that lacks flavour, alfreschnus or locality.

Yeah, that would be my side dish. It's just a good old Greek salad. From that place. From that place. From the Corfu place. On the beach, eating Greek salad, listening to the waves. Was it just a holiday you were there for? Just a holiday we were there for. It was a little bit stressful, you know,

when you don't realise how far out your Airbnb is and there's no public transport apart from a coach that happens once a day at like 4.45am. So you're like, well, we're not going to town again, are we? Describe this salad now, because I'd like to know everything that's in the salad. You know what's in a Greek salad. It's a classic Greek salad.

Well, I don't know if I... Obviously, I probably do, but... OK, you list what you think's in a Greek salad. OK, here we go. Theta. Yes. Olives. Yes. Tomato. Yes. Olive oil. Yes. Little bit of salt.

Plenty of salt. He's worried now. He's worried you... There's only one more, like, core, core ingredient. I'd say there's one more core ingredient that I would put in it, but then another one that I'd also put in it that's probably sacrilege. OK. Am I just going to go basic cucumber here?

That's the one. Yeah. That's your standard. OK. What would you put in? Well, there's actually two more ingredients. OK. Red onion. Yes, there was red onion. Yeah. Dried oregano. And dried oregano. Both of them were in that one. I'm brushing the red onion off.

Look, raw onion doesn't sit well with me, as we've spoken about so many times. I have irritable bowel syndrome. Yeah. Red onion does not sit well with me. Any raw onion. But if I take it out, the flavour that it infuses the rest of the salad with still stands up. Yeah.

And the thing that you've mentioned in your menu so far, that's a bit of a red light for the old IBS? Chili in the crub, all right? Yeah, chili's actually fine. Yeah, that's fine. It's more creamy stuff. Yeah. The yogurt is fine. Yogurt's fine. But if you're like, I can smell a Bosqueola and I shit myself.

Like a creamy Bosqueola. Expect to see that tweeted back at you by the way. Like a, like a bacon mushroom, creamy pasta. Would you eat it, though? Is there anything that exists that's worth just blowing the bowl off the wall for? Yeah, often it's the volume of food I eat. I have a limit in my stomach where it goes,

hey, look, you're an adult, you can make the decision. But if you eat more than this, we're not going to be talking to your friends for the rest of the night. You're going to be riding the porcelain bus. My wife, Charlie, has IBS. Yeah, yep. What's her big trigger?

She can have a teaspoon of hummus, and then after that, chickpeas are absolute, will kick the shit out of her literally. I can eat a bowl of hummus by itself. Oh, really? Yeah. Which my son calls Thomas. Very cute. Yeah, that's great. Some more Thomas, please.

You can have as much Thomas as you like, son. Never stop. Never ever correct him. No, no, no, no, no. That's Thomas for the rest of his life. Even though it will lead to a very embarrassing incident in later life. Do you know what that feels like? No, my problem.

Yeah. It's lullibuff, Thomas. It's absolutely lullibuff. Thomas is lullibuff, Thomas. If I have some rice that's undercooked, see you later. Really? I've got a big, crampy tummy on that one. Yeah.

But if I eat heaps of ice cream, but this is probably not a good thing to say on this podcast. I think ice cream is fine. I think it's fine. Nice having you on. Yeah, look, been lovely to meet you. Oh, key. I think there's some good ice cream out there,

but it's not something that I live for. But I think that's just to, just look, just... Let's to bring the temperature down. To be a bit, I think you've had to tell yourself that and decided it because you know that you can't eat a lot of it. So that's you've given yourself that opinion to mean that you're not missing out. You would love to think that, wouldn't you?

I would really like you to say that. I agree with you. I do understand something like that, because, like, when... Wait, wait, wait. When? Pendulette had to lose loads of weight. When... Pendulette, the magician...

Don't show up. Saw an interview with him and they asked him about that. And he said that after a while of just not eating all those things that he used to eat, the thought of him is just disgusting now. And he's like, I don't think donuts are nice anymore because, like, I just haven't had them in so long and then they just seem... It seems insane to want one day

to eat a donut and all that, everything that's in it. I can understand if you just, like, you can't go near ice cream and then eventually you're just like, that seems mad that anyone would eat that thing. Why would I want that? No, I... So there's a... It used to be called the New Zealand ice cream company,

I think, or confectionery company. And they made this incredible ice cream called Hokey Pokey. And it was like vanilla and then it had toffee balls all the way through. That, I think, is amazing. If I ate too much of that, I would absolutely feel sick. But we were exposed to very poor quality ice cream, the Neapolitan three-stripe.

No one's eating the strawberry, your classic. And it was the cheap version, so it always just tasted like the frozen ice particles on top. You know that? We were like, this tastes cheap. This isn't good ice cream. I mean, yeah. I'll go on record, though, and say that the only ice cream

flavour that tastes better in that version is raspberry ripple. The cheaper the raspberry ripple, I've said it before, the better the raspberry ripple. And I want the crystals in there for the raspberry ripple. I want it to be yellow, vanilla ice cream. I want it as cheap as possible. I feel like that about apple juice. I don't give a shit about cloudy apple juice.

I don't care if it's come out of a machine. I want make and train, make and train traces of apple. That's what I want to see. Yeah, sure. Your dream drink. OK, question. Yes. You have different drinks throughout the meal. Like, you have a drink while you're eating your entree,

a main or before, and then you might have a coffee or a tea. Yeah. If you want to do that, let's hear it. Can I have two different drinks? Let's hear your drinks throughout the meal when you're having them. Absolutely. I'm going to have the drink that the man made me when he gave me the sun-in-law egg. That drink was amazing.

I don't know what was in it, but it made me feel happy. I would drink that all the way through the meal. But that's the awful thing, because you said to him, make whatever and you didn't check what it was, you'll never be able to have that again. I can in the dream restaurant. That's true. But I mean, in real life, you can never have that again.

But thank you for bringing that up. Yeah. Bad luck. I feel fine about that. But did you say there was mint? There was definitely mint in it? Definitely mint. I want to say passion fruit. Probably like a pineapple and orange juice or maybe like an apple juice to dilute it a little bit.

Cheap apple juice. God, I hope so. I hope it wasn't natural apple juice. Yes. What if you found out that all you'd actually done was empty some cartons of umbongo into a thing and just put some straws in and send it to you and tricked you? I'd be pretty happy because I've never had anything called umbongo and that is the best name

I've ever heard of a drink. Really? Umbongo. You're reacting to that like we reacted to googie eggs. Yeah, umbongo is pretty funny. Have you never heard of umbongo? How long have you lived in the UK? Eight years. I would say I have not explored the soft drinks of this country in a way that I should have. Well, I don't start with umbongo. It's foul.

Most of us started with umbongo. Yeah. What other recommendations would you make? You've your fine... Well, obviously I'd recommend Causton Press. Causton Press. You've got to get on the Causton... What's Causton Press? You've got to get on the Causton Express. An apple, slightly fizzy apple.

Oh, like an apple-tiser. But yeah, but also you can get it with rhubarb in it and you can get it with orange in it and you can get it with elderflower in it. It's fancy pants. Fancy pants. It's pretty fancy pants, but it's also, I would say, and it's usually James who's big enough, Causton Press. I love it.

It's a treat, but also you can drink it and it's refreshing as a water. Oh, I love that. But not in a weak way like a flavoured seltzer. Yeah, you know, they're like, it's flavoured water. It's like, if you are not grown up enough that you can drink a bottle of water, you don't deserve a little bit of flavour.

Yeah, exactly. Flavoured water is bad stuff. I just, like, grow up. If you're having to drink flavoured water. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah, I know about this one. Oh, this guy's great. Can I drink it? Yeah. Yes. Causton Press apple.

This, so because I don't drink, the most... I'm going to have that rhubarb one. Yeah, you are. Thank you. The guys at Causton Press, you lucky fuckers. They've done really well out of us. The amount of time is up. Bring it up. Yeah, no, I know about these guys. I suppose...

Because if something's fancy and it's apple and it's sparkling, I'll drink it. I'm a bit fussy when it comes to ginger beer. OK. And I will say that the... Is it Jamaica Gold? Old Jamaica? Jamaica Gold. Which one is it? Old Jamaica, I think it is. One of them's alcohol,

and one of them's just a ginger beer soft drink. Old Jamaica is ginger beer soft drink, I think. Yeah, that's not... Not fiery enough for you? No, it's weak. You want them fiery as possible? Yeah, you know, when you get, like, a phantomans and you're like, I don't know if I have taste buds anymore.

Like, my sinus has just got perforated by the... Chewing a bit of ginger. Yeah. Love of sentiments. Love... Yeah, a fever tree. Yeah, they take the lining off the roof of your mouth. I mean, to that. But obviously, your Bunderberg ginger beer, that's your classic. Sure. Actually, the Bunderberg ginger beer

may have been the basis to the drink that I had. It may have been ginger beer, passion fruit, mint. Look, imagine what this podcast would be if I could remember anything. So that's your drink? That's my drink. For the sort of main part of the meal? For the main part of the meal, along with my tap water or my bottled water.

When we get to dessert, do you want me to do dessert or do you want me to do drink? Let's do both. If they're together, let's just segue into both of them. They work together. Let's hear it. Yeah, yeah. I love a coffee with my dessert. And especially this one.

So there is a place in Melbourne, which is an iconic restaurant called the European. It's under a place, or right next to a place, called the Supper Club, which if... Yes. Have you been to the Supper Club? Yep, been to the Supper Club. Yeah, lovely. Supper Club's wonderful. They specialize in cheese and wine,

and as someone who doesn't drink, they have enough cheese for that bar to be interesting for me. So just down the road is a place called the European, and they used to be open to, like, three or four in the morning, and they served beautiful European food, something they served once. And it was actually the first time I had buffalo mozzarella was there as well. Right.

They did something called a crema catalana, which is like an orange creme brulee that comes from catalan, and it was amazing. It was absolutely amazing, and I think it came with a tiny little empanada on the side, too, like an orangey, yummy empanada, and maybe some ice... Oh, my God. It might have had, like, a mandarin ice cream or something with it.

Yeah. And that was just lovely. So, I mean, that would be seven or eight years ago. No, it would have been ten years ago, and I still remember it. It's just like crema catalana. Yes, please. I haven't crema catalana. I've only had it a couple of times in my life, but it's so rich. Not bad, is it? Oh. I love a creme brulee. Yeah.

I love it. It's not the same thing, but you know the creme caramels that you get in the little pot that you tab the ends and you turn it upside down? I still buy myself those sometimes. I hate those. Do you? Well, you know why, because they're not good. But I think there's... Compare them to a creme brulee.

Those creme caramels are like wobbly. They're like a jelly consistency. A creme brulee. Sounds obvious to say. Creamy. Yeah. It's delicious. It's creamy. It's rich. Those wobbly things in a pot. They remind me of my childhood, though. I grew up very poor,

and that was something that we could afford and felt fancy, because we didn't eat much sugar either. I would say they are fancy, though, creme caramels. They feel fancy to me. I think fancy is a strong word to use. As a dish, it feels fancy, a creme caramel. Yeah, not out of a packet from a supermarket. I know the ones you're talking about. It feels fancy.

Sure. Yeah. Is it because they've got that nice handwriting on top? They've got, like, a blue logo and a fancy white. I think it's the tab. I think, honestly, it's the turning on and pulling the little tab, and you're like, ooh, I'm cooking. I didn't know to pull the tab till I was 25. I thought you just turned it upside down and went,

I mean, yeah, crème brûlée is another one where I just think even if shit crème brûlée is better than most desserts, it is great. A good crème brûlée is top shelf. You're just disappointing when you go to a restaurant and they've got, I love dessert, and they've got, like, seven desserts, and all of them. I'm like, meh, how can you have seven and be weak on all of them?

It's very upsetting. Very upsetting. And with those ones, I kind of want to say, can I see them all, please? Because whoever's written this menu hasn't described it very well, and it all sounds rubbish, and I would like to see which one looks the best, because I'd like to know if you do have...

You want a trolley situation. If you secretly got a good one, then I would like to get it. Why would a restaurant secretly have...? Because some people, there might be good chefs, they've got a good dessert knocking around there, but whoever's writing the menu is not... Lost in translation. They need to write a good description or give the dish a more fun name,

but instead, if it just says, like, you know... Bitter cake. Brownie, cheesecake, that. And it's like, that all sounds pretty standard, and I don't know if any of that's going to be any good. Whereas, you know, there are versions of all those things that are mind-blowing, and I want to know. So is it the name that sells it to you?

Rather than see, like, trifle, you want to see, like, cream-fuck-apocalypse or something. I would love to see that, obviously. I'd love to eat that. I'd get a cream-fuck-apocalypse. I think I want to fuck that. Yeah. But a lot of the time it's just the description...

If there's a one-line description on the menu of something and they've just written it and it sounds absolutely great, that's what draws me in. So it's the one-line description. I'll take just about any sticky toffee pudding. Doesn't matter if it's good or bad. Whatever it is on the spectrum, I will eat that. And kind of with a brownie, too.

But, you know, when you're not always in the mood for a brownie at the end of a meal, because you've really gone to town, and you get to the end, and you're like, brownie, that's going to sit like a lump and push that down pretty quickly. You don't want a brownie if you've gone to town. You do not want a brownie if you've gone to town. Well, that sounds great.

And also, you've made me really miss eating in Melbourne as well. Like, I had so many good meals in Melbourne. And now, really, when you were saying, like, somewhere in Melbourne, I was just like, oh, we'll be Harry Canary. Yeah, Harry Canary. That's great to go in. A little tougher spot.

Some places open late after you've done your shows. Maybe there's another comic nearby. They've just finished their show. Straight to Harry Canary. Straight to Harry Canary. There's also a place at the end of... De Grave Street is the street, and there's a little Italian restaurant,

and it's next to a grilled. And, my God, I love a grilled. Yeah. Love a grilled. I love a grilled, and people make fun of me for it when I'm in Australia that I like grilled. You know what else everyone makes fun of me of in Australia? Because I love it. What? Schnitz.

Who makes fun of you about a schnitzel? No, you go to Sydney. No one's making fun of you about a schnitzel. No, because I've got a schnitzel. Is there a place called schnitz? Yeah, there's like a... All of these places, you only like them because you like saying the name.

Harry Canary. Harry Canary. Schnitz. Meatballs. Meatballs. Have you been to meatballs? No. Oh, meatballs in Melbourne.

Guess what they do? Yeah. I took a whole posse to schnitzel. We were all going to schnitz. We all played football. I said, I'm going to schnitz. With a schnitzposse. Everyone copied me, and we all went to schnitz,

and we got some schnitzels together. It was great. It's just because you like saying it. That whole thing was just designed so you could say schnitz over it. It's the first place I go every time I arrive in Melbourne. It's just round the block from the hotel. I've got a schnitz, I've got an OMG wrap.

What about Lord of the Fries? You ever hit those? Yeah, I go to Lord of the Fries sometimes, but like, you know... That's a real place. It's a chain. Lord of the Fries. I've been to New Zealand, and there was one there. Oh, OK.

So I know that. I know that exists. OK. All the rest of this is clearly made up. Like most of Australia. Tell us about this coffee. I am an ex barista, and I used to work in a cafe, and it was across the road from this place called Campos,

and this was yuck. 20 years ago, a foul. I can't believe I'm so old. And across the road, this place called Campos, they roasted their own beans. They had a limit because it was across the road from the university. You were allowed to sit at a table

45 minutes per coffee. So you couldn't study in there. You couldn't sit in there for hours. They did maybe two treats with it. Like maybe there was like a brownie and maybe one other cake. They weren't interested in your fucking side dishes or even your patronage.

Take the coffee and get out of my fucking face. That's what Campos said. Everyone went there for coffee. We made good coffee, but they were incredible. Now they've become quite ubiquitous now. They've sold it as a chain. We actually, I worked at another restaurant, and if you want to sell Campos,

they have a representative come to your cafe and you have to make them a coffee. Oh, wow. So the quality of what you make has to match the flavour of the beans they sell you. They got me to make it. LAUGHTER Were you rude to people?

No, I'm very nice to people. I loved making coffee. I went to a place in Melbourne when they were very rude before. I asked some question before. You idiot. You absolute idiot. And they really taught to me like I was an absolute idiot. You need to know stuff before you go in.

Yeah. Because the food and the drink was so good there. I still had stuff. Yeah. And I just felt like such a little witness. I was just sitting there waiting for my coffee when I was like, why am I doing this? They were so rude to me.

I should have just left. I'm staying here because I'm a little wimpy. I want the coffee so bad. And they know it as well. They knew I'd stand for it. I'm going to read your order back to you now. See how you feel about it. Water, you would like still room temperature water.

Big bottle. Yes. Problems of bread, bread with basil leaves, olive oil, buffalo mozzarella and tomatoes. You'll get explosion from Gagan. Gagan. Gagan in Thailand. Main course, Harry's Singapore chili mud crab.

Side of Greek salad from Corfu. Drink, Sun in Law egg guys drink. Yep. Is what Benito's written here. Put that on a dessert menu. That would sell it. And a dessert, the creme catalana from the European in Melbourne with a campus coffee.

Yeah. That sounds like a good night, doesn't it? Yeah. It really does. I like reading it back as well. I think having a starter that's that simple and emotional followed by a really like, you know, getting involved main course where you're digging into a crab.

I like it. You've got a lot of variety. Even the side. The experiences as well. You wouldn't feel like those two things go together. Yeah. But I think you're getting mucky with the crab and then you've just looked like a clean, delicious, fresh side.

Yeah. And like there'd be lemon in the olive oil as well. Yeah. Just to cut through it. Yeah. It's really nice. It's really nice. It's a good menu.

I've got to say, it's lullibuff. It is lullibuff. It's lullibuff. Buffa lulli. Thanks very much for coming to the Dream Restaurant. I'm full as a goog. There we are. A great menu.

A lovely menu, actually. I want that yoghurt explosion. I want to go to that place. I really want that. I'd like to try that drink. Let's try a lot of things. A lot of the Honourable Munchin' sounded delicious. That's a tasty, tasty menu there.

Yeah. That drink sounds lovely if you popped in a couple of shots or something. Sure. Sure. A couple of Ouijins. Yeah. Yeah. Also, so many restaurants mentioned in that,

so be sure to go to the Off Menu official website. Yes. Which is offmenupodcast.co.uk. Correct. And there's a page on there. Every single restaurant that gets mentioned on the Off Menu podcast is listed there, hyperlinked. You can go and book yourself a table at them.

And Felicity did not say jelly from a pork pie, which means we can plug her website felicityward.com. Thank you very much for listening. Come and see me on tour at edgambel.co.uk. Go and see Felicity. She's on Twitter and Instagram. Go and look at those as well. Go and see James in Scandinavia.

Yeah, come and see me in Scandinavia. You know, treat yourself. If you live in Scandinavia, just come along. If you don't, you know, might not pop over and see what, you know, the weirdest part of my career looks like. My favorite thing about this Scandinavian tour is it's the thing that I've seen Benito laugh at the most consistently. Yes.

And not the show. Yes. The idea of you doing a Scandinavian tour after not doing stand-up for nearly three years. Every time it gets brought up, he laughs so much. Yeah. Does that worry you? No, actually, the more you laugh,

the more it makes it worth it that I'm doing it. I'm quite glad that I'm doing it. Yeah, that's funny. Yeah. Yeah, like reinforces. Yeah. Funny idea. How are you going to plug it?

I was done this. But are you, because you don't have socials anymore? No. So I'm just doing it on this. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. So I'll get it done off in Copenhagen.

And a great food there. Yeah. Just go to Copenhagen. Yeah, but this. Benito's nodding. Yeah, but this way I got to go to Copenhagen and Sweden. You could do that, though. But I'd have to organize it.

Thank you very much for listening to the off many podcasts. We will see you again next week where I'd imagine we'll be discussing James's Scandinavian Surrey. You know it. Hello, it's me, Amy Glendale. You might remember me from the best ever episode of Off Menu where I spoke to my mum and asked her about seaweed on mashed potato and our relationship's never been the same since.

And I am joined by me, Ian Smith. I would probably go bread. I'm not going to spoil it in case. Get him on, James and Ed. But we're here sneaking in to your podcast experience to tell you about a new podcast that we're doing. It's called Northern News. It's about all the new stories that we've missed out from the north

because, look, we're two Northerners. Sure, but we've been living in London for a long time. The new stories are funny. Quite a lot of them crimes. It's all kicking off. And that's a new podcast called Northern News. We'd love you to listen to. Maybe we'll get my mum on.

Get Glendale's mum on every episode. That's Northern News. When's it out, Ian? It's already out now, Amy. Is it? Yeah, get listening. There's probably a backlog. You've left it so late.