Pappy's Flatshare - Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown Ep 1632 Phil Ellis & Chloe Petts

Episode Date: September 8, 2026

This month we're joined by Taskmaster stars Phil Ellis & Chloe Petts. Pappy's Flatshare Slamdown is a silly panel show, recorded in front of a live audience and hosted by Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Parry-Wicks. Chloe Petts - https://www.instagram.com/chloepetts/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@chloepettscomedy Phil Ellis - https://www.instagram.com/philelliscomedy/?hl=en https://www.tiktok.com/@philelliscomedy Phil is on tour! https://www.philelliscomedy.com/new-page Pappy's - https://www.instagram.com/pappyscomedy/ https://www.tiktok.com/@pappysflatshare Support us on Patreon - patreon.com/pappysflatshare Find tickets to all our live shows here - https://pappyscomedy.com/live PAPPY'S FLATSHARE SLAMDOWN is returning to London for 2 magnificent shows with 4 astounding guests. On Monday 21st September we are at the Phoenix, Cavendish Square WITH SPECIAL GUESTS JOHN ROBINS & CELYA AB Then on Monday 12th October we have our Halloween Special at the Cheerful Earful Festival at the Bedford pub in Balham WITH SPECIAL GUESTS ANIA MAGLIANO & SPENCER JONES They look set to be 2 of the all-time great Flatslams. So get your tickets TODAY!! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMGM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor,

free of charge. BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Greetings listener dear. Tom, I'm Ben. And I am Matthew and welcome to a very exciting episode of Pappy's Flat Shair, Slamdown. It really was a final summer recording here at the Phoenix before we go a separate way. Tom, it really was a final summer recording. Tom, we've just done a really lovely show.

We had Chloe Pets. We had Phil Ellis on, brilliant and brilliant guests. Really, really gay. And you're still fixated on the fact that it schools out for summer. I've got the sand in my feet, boys. That you should get that scene to it. We had a lovely time. We had a full house.

If you've not yet been to experience Papi's Flatshire Slamdown Live, then please try and get down to London's glittering West End for some of our records because it's such a lovely night. And if you're ever at a disco night, try and get down, guys. You've got to get down. You've got to get down quite often. George Michael taught us that, exactly. Yes, so yes, go to pappiescomedy.com forward slash live.

We're going to be doing some new shows in September and October. So come along to one of those. they're always a lot of fun. If you'd like to support us, join the Patreon. Patreon.com forward slash Pappy's Flat Share where you get these episodes early and ad-free.

Plus you get a bonus episode every single week of our bonus podcast, Pappy's Flat Share Pop Round. You also get the warm, fuzzy feeling in your loins that you're supporting your boys in their journey as they podcast

to the grave. Absolutely right. You can really feel the sod on your feet, can you? I can really feel this. I've put the sun cream on already. You really can. Well, you should put sun cream on anyway.

Little public service announcement there, guys. You should put some sun cream on even if, you know. Very important, very important. It's a good call, actually. It's a good call, guys. Suncream is not just for holidays, guys. That's right. So, with that in mind, enjoy this episode of Chloe Pets and Phyllis on a wonderful

flat share slam down. Greetings, listener, dear. Tickets are on sale. Alert, alert. for Pappy's flat share slam down. Yes indeed, Tom. You are not wrong. Tickets are currently on sale

for the next two flat share slam downs. We have one on Monday the 21st of September. And my God, are the guests good for that? We've got John Robbins and Celia A.B. Forget about it. Forget about it. I simply can't, Tom. I simply can't forget about it.

And then on Monday the 12th of October, we have our Halloween special at the cheerful earful. podcast festival at the Bedford Pub in Ballam, South London. That's right. Despite our snub at the Golden Lobes this year, we return to the Cheerful Herefals Festival in Ballam for one of our favourite gigs of the year. A Halloween special, and it can't be a Halloween special without special guests.

And we have Anya Magliano and Spencer Jones, two of the funniest people we know getting ready to spook it up with us in Valon. Yes, indeed. It is the Halloween special, so the specter of us losing out on those golden loaves will be hanging heavy in the air. If you are coming to those,

we would love you to come in fancy dress. We fancy dress it up. We ask our guests to fancy dress it up, so we would like you to fancy dress it up as well. So if you're going to be at those, please come in fancy dress. Also, if you're a member of the Patreon, which I know some of you're listening, you are members of the Patreon. If you are, then there are promo codes to get you two quid off all of those tickets.

Two quid off the Phoenix Show, two quid off the cheerful, fearful show at the Bedford Pub in Ballam. That ain't nothing, you know. Four quid. Four quid. Are you yawning, Tom. Tom, are you yawning enjoying the promo codes? At a yawn at the end of the promo. The mad thing is, the promo code is.

yawn yorn 26. And then of course for the Bedford one it's spooky yawn. Of course. Of course it is a spooky yawn. Yes.

All right folks. Well, do come along to those. 21st of September John Robbins and Sellyrady A.B. 12th of October, Anya Magliano and Spencer Jones, all the tickets are available

from pappiescomedy.com forward slash live. Now on with the show. Tom, Ben. What is it? Yeah, what is it, you brave boy? You are a big brave boy. I have a big brave boy.

I need to be brave. Come quick. The door's been smashed off its hinges. What? The drawers are empty and I've looked all over the house and there are no valuables anywhere. Imagine how bad this place would look

have we'd also been burgled. So one of you two... You're such a big brave boy for doing that. So one of you two... got to set the burglar alarm. Oh, it's not going to be me, Matthew. No. Because I got burgled in real life just this weekend. And it was halfway through a family barbecue.

Someone ran into my garden and picked up the barbecue as I was still cooking the meat and ran off down the road with it. And I chased after the bastard and I got him into the end of the cul-de-sac. And I said, burglar! And he went, not for at least another five minutes. But you can have a sausage. And that's not bad, actually. Tom. Tom.

Tom, please give yourself a hayo. Hey-oh! You deserve it. Clarkie, what about you? Yeah, it's not going to be me either. I really hate alarms, or the beeping. In fact, I changed my phone alarm to be blurs part-life. So every morning I'm woken up by part-life.

Well, apart from, on Wednesday, so I get me a good way. Well, does me. Part-life. Well, there's only one way to settle this. We're going to have to have a... Flatchez Slown Flatchez Slackdown We're gonna fly down

Flasherslam down Flash is loud Slown Hello and welcome to Flashers, hello It's not that type of alarm It's about burglar alarms It's not about alarm

clock alarms You don't know when they're coming That's the voice It's a good point You can't just set a burglar alarm And say well when they arrive that'll go off. That's not how it works, is it?

It's the wrong type of alarm. It's the wrong type of alarm. And I told them this before the recording. He did, yeah. Yeah, he did. And it went really well. Let's restart the show, guys, okay? So sorry.

Clarkie, what about you? It's fine, Tom. It'll snip right out of this, but we'll snip right out. Clarkie, what about you? Why are you not going to, the burglar alarm this? Well, I was having this barbecue, right? It's already good.

It's already good. Hello and welcome to Flat Shire Slamdown, the panel show that says, here comes the hot steper. I'm the numerical gangster, Matthew Crosby. Let's meet podcasting's most wanted. It's Tom Perry and Benedict Clark. But you cannot set the alarm on your own.

Who have you brought to leave a light on in the hallway to fool those burglarers tonight? Clarkie. Oh, I bought a alarm. Clarkie. Clarkie, how were you surprised by me asking you to introduce the first guest when that, we're 10 seconds into the show, Clarkie?

I'm literally sat here. I was somewhere else, I tell you that. I bought along a thief. Oh, for they have stolen my heart. It's Chloe Peck. Chloe Peckes is here. Wow. That was beautiful.

Thank you. Chloe Pets. Now obviously the theme this week is to set the burglar alarm. The burglar alarm. The burglar alarm. Not just any alarm. Just any old alarm. Have you been involved in any crime-based capers in your time? I witnessed the other day a phone, my first ever phone theft in the streets of London.

And it wasn't you. You were seeing someone else getting wrong. It was quite thrilling. So... Were you the one doing the snatching? Yes. No, so I was walking, I was by Old Street, and I was on my phone, but I didn't have my headphones in,

and a boy, like, came up, and I'm careful to say, boy, he came up on a bike next to me, and then he looked at me, and I was like, put my phone in my pocket, and then he went to the next person in front of me, cycled up next to him, and then two guys were behind him, and he signalled this guy, this guy, this guy, for friends. And then they came, and then I started running to just, try and intercept this guy.

So I started running and I started, shout, no, no, but he's got his headphones in. And the thing is, I was like, so, it was so within my capabilities to reach the man and stop the mugging. But I am so slow at running. That, you know, when you run in a dream? That's like me in real life.

You run like a dream. I run like a dream. You're satshate through a dream. So I'm shouting, And stop, no, stop. They grabbed the phone and then I start. That was just a good. Bordered me, were you?

Yeah. That's just end of the story. We got a lovely two minutes. Okay, we'll go to one of film, shall we? By the way, this happens to every... I don't know why it's just here. The only time we ever use it in the show is when I accidentally press it.

We have to talk about it. There we go, right. It's a bellless episode. It's a bellless. We're going bellless, guys. We're going bellless, everyone. We're going bellless. That ding was for my story.

I'm not even starting here. But then, so, So then I carried on, so I, this guy then starts running after them trying to get his phone back. But I'm so pumped with adrenaline that I've, I've built up a little bit of speed at this point. Still not a lot. So I'm like, I'm like, I've got to go. I've got to go. And I start carrying on sprinting.

And then this guy is like, keeps going and then realizes that the phone is lost. And then he turns around and he's like, oh, they got your phone too. And I was like, no. I'm just really enthusiastic. Did you give him your phone? Absolutely fucking not. Fair enough. Would have been mad if you had.

What sort of a person are you to live with? If we had to move in with a Chloe pet? Slow and enthusiastic. Absolutely. Like all great flatmates. And that's just my love watching. Just loves watching crime and doing nothing. I do love watching Trimber.

You don't even guess who's done it? Yeah, I'm like, oh, I'm sure they've got it. They'll sort it out. bothered. I think I'm quite a delightful flatmate to be honest. Yeah. I can believe that. I feel like I make a lot more cat noises than I realize.

Do you guys have this way? You just have a sort of like a vocal stem. I've just moved in with new flatmates and they were like, you're meowing a lot. Okay. Okay. Thank you for feedback. But it's like the other day they didn't, I didn't

realize they were in and I was just meowing and they were like, were you meowing to yourself? I was like, yeah, it's my own private meowing. Give us a little bit of this meow because I'd love to. So it can oscillate depending on how I'm, rea. See that?

That's more like. That's a saucy cat. That's a saucy cat, isn't it? Yeah. And then sometimes like, oh, okay. That's a kitten. Yeah.

Or sometimes, uh, that's a not a weird one of the ones. When, when I want my flower, that makes to serve me my dinner, it would be more, um, I'm standing by their dog going, meow, that sort of thing, yeah. Do you ever do the,

actually no, I've never done that, but I'd be very keen to add it to the repertoire. Yeah, yeah. Sorry, I'm just, I'm interested to know what you're doing whilst you're making these noises most of the time. You're just on you, just hearing it to a try. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I'm, playing with lots of balls of strings, You moved into the Big Brother House with George Galloway Just the two of you Oh that's open the memory That's a deep cut No that's going to be the first one of many references this evening That I don't understand

But I did laugh along incredibly politely Well thank you very much for bringing the average age down Clothets Tom, who have you brought along? Matthew, the Jamberie's in danger. No. Yeah, our leader just resigned. But don't worry.

Our fearless leader. The king of the north got on the train. And he's here to steer the ship. It's Phil Ellis, everybody. Hello, everyone. Absolute pleasure to be here. It's a pleasure to have you here. Now, Phil, a little bird tells me,

you've got yourself a funny story. And by a little bird, I mean, you in front of the audience before we started recording. It's not crime-related. It doesn't matter. Hey, it doesn't matter. I've got a good crime one. Do you crime one then?

Well, I've had the armed police out. What? I've been held at gunpoint, yeah. What? Well, I was making... I know, it's exciting, isn't it? I wouldn't say it's funny, but I'll try... Sure.

As we go along, I'll try my best to pepper it. with a few jokes. Would you like me to punctuate it with cat noises? I'd be very happy to. If you can find the appropriate noise, I've got you. So I'm, there I am, I'm 17 years old in Preston. And, um, nothing, all right.

Terrified of when the cat's gonna come in. I'll know when it's time. It's Chekhov's cat. Yeah. And it will be directly across your final punch, right? So I was, I did media production at Stafford University. I got a, I don't want to say famously, but it's on my Wikipedia page. I got a third in media, which apparently is impossible, but I did it.

Staff's uni, everyone's first choice. So I was doing a student film and I thought, hey, I'll do a gangster. film that would be really interesting in the late 90s that really that already pop as an independent interesting alternative to the rest of what's going on so i went to and i went to uh blackpool to buy a gun and it's a lot easier than you think i went to the black paul's gun shop oh wow but a gun it wasn't a real one it was a blank firing gun but they're illegal now so I threw it in a pond. I don't even know if it's deep enough, but it's in there.

I might have to go and fish it out at some point, but I whack me dabs off, throw it, and I made sure there were no ducks in the way. This isn't the story. The point is, I rang the police and went, I want to make a student film and I've got a blank firing gun. Do I need to let you know? And they went, as long as it's in the middle of nowhere, you're fine. I went, brilliant. What?

That cannot be the rules for crimes. Turns out. By rang the police, you mean 999? It's not quite an emergency. I've got a gun. Oh, hello Phil. I'm saving you this call in the future. And they went, yeah, you're fine.

So I went to this disused abattoirc in Preston. That's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's, that's some's Preston up so well, didn't you? I went to a disused abattoir. On your own? No, I had a few. No, I'm not weird. I'd love to make it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Phil. You are weird.

I'll take a little bit of that back. I want, yeah. I am a little bit odd but I did go with people because I needed someone to hold their camera. So, I'm at the abattoir, firing guns with a balaclavre going,

out of my friends Rover 416 and um fucking idiot it was like a it was like an off-gauge which I'm yeah you're not giving the statement now mate yeah

so I'm there going and then a car went past with children in it and a and a bike on the back and that's weird Why are they driving past this disused ambitou in Preston? Clearly no one wants to hang out here

on a Sunday. So I was like, oh, pah, pow, pow, pow, pow, keep filming. Pao, pow, pow, my gangster, papo. Really good, like, you should say, I've got, I still got it. Maybe we can link that there, like, when they're bots.

Phil, you know this is a live night, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. If I could leave that. my life again, I wouldn't have started this story. You're not the only one. It's so much longer than I thought it was. I'm so sorry. Well, it is when you tell it.

There, I got, pam-ma, pal-ma, pam. And then another car goes past with a family in it. I only assume they're a family unless they just like hang out with kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. We all get it anyway. So, another... We don't need to drag it out any longer to do it. Thank you, Tom, for shutting me.

down there, you're right? You could tell he went, he's going to talk about. In fact, weirdly, you're shutting me down. It's been on this beer. The irony. Anyway. Yeah. Strange cat noise.

No, mate, you're panicking. I'm gripped. It's a good story. It's a good story. Right, quick. Right. Listen, relax, relax, enjoy it. Okay, so, pal-p-pah, pal-bye. Another family goes past. And then, anyway, by the third family, I thought this is odd.

And then it turned out there was like a dirt track where they used to like do rally biking on a Sunday. But Monday to Saturday, no one's like it around the abattoir. Sunday, fucking hell, it's, everything's good popping. So the abattoirs the place to be on a Sunday. Someone's called the police, obviously. I saw a police helicopter. So that's weird, isn't it?

And they went, what if that's for us? I went, course it's not for us. So as a joke, I went, how about it? You shot in a police helicopter as a joke. Yeah, he's not a bullet. But it fires the player. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. But they don't know that, do they?

But they didn't now get them, they've been maneuvered. So I went, oh, no, I think I've shot at a police. Yeah. So I went, I still thought at the time, went, can't be for us. So I said, let's just keep going. So I carried on going like, oh, what, where's my brother? I can't remember the script. I'm like, where's my brother?

And then a police car appeared at the end of the drive. And I went, oh, yeah, yeah, this. That was for us, wasn't it? And then another police car arrived. And then I went, oh, right. So I rang the police again, 999. Yeah, yeah. 99, 99, 9, 9.

It's the 90s. I had a landline with me. I said, I'd tell you. I was on the line. Put the film down, mom. Somebody trying to use the film down, mom. internet.

Stop listening in mum. Is that the police? I went, is that the Hello police? I can't remember. I'm almost 100% certain you didn't say hello, is that the police?

I think one of their main things is hello, it's the police. Yeah, yeah. Hello, police. He's got to find some way to fill the time. The police? Well, have I got a story for you? So, sorry, I'm filming.

a student film the docks were guns and I think you may have had a few police officers out for us and they went yes they're waiting for armed response vehicles from Blackburn put the guns in the back of the car

and everything and we did have also throwing knives which I thought were cool I know all right I'm not right it was the 90s everyone had like

shurikins were they blank firing throwing knives the turtles was still a big thing And also, I like to point out, there were hero turtles, not ninja turtles. They were heroes, and you're welcome.

Anyway, the point is the place went, yeah, put everything in the back of the car and just stay where you are. So we put everything in the back of the car. Then another, the two armed response vehicles arrived. It was so exciting. Like, the arrival went, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, my mom's going to be so angry.

My mom still doesn't know about this, by the way. So unfortunately, she's a big fan of Pappy. Mum's favourite. And then, well, that was quite funny at the very end. One of really tiny, you don't really see them anymore, but in the 90s, you used to have a little tiny like Reynolds that were police cars and that just went, as if to go, hey, what's going on, guys?

They were like, fuck off, mate. Oh, can I just watch? So then the two arms response vehicles from Blackburn started coming up the drive. It was really like a Michael Bay film, really. I remember the heat coming off the tarmac. Yeah. It's certainly as long as a Michael Bay film. I'll say that.

It wasn't a short film you were making, was it? You can trim this down from 2 hours 40, Michael, I reckon. I'm so sorry, I've got me before you're overrun. My other story is just about a friend of mine who said... I tell you what? We'll tell it in part two. I'll wrap it up very quickly. They came down the drive, like that,

and I went, I'll go and meet him halfway. That'll work out. So I went, hey! guys. I did that. They didn't like that. So they went into a V shape and they all got out with the guns. I went, freeze! And I went, no, it's so silly. The guns are in. And they went, no, because I did that.

So you made finger guns at them? Okay, right, yeah, yeah, great. Anyway, we got patted down. The guns got, I actually had to go back and ask for my guns. They gave me them back. That was nice. That's in the story. So it was rushed. There was meant to be a really good punchline. Felt a little bit rushed again.

It was perfect. And, you know, a valuable lesson, if you do see police and you think, that's not for me, don't shoot at them. Even if you're really sure it's not for you, don't shoot them. But what a story, you'll have. What a story.

My next question was going to be, what are you like to live with? But I can tell. So we've met our guests. Who's going to steal the show? If we can wrestle it back from Phil, it's anybody's. It's now time for round one. Home invaders in your house tonight.

Ballet lovers and some really big knives. Where's your money or they'll make you blind? Everybody let's all try to stay kind. There's invaders in your house tonight. Smash your air friar and drank your red fire. Why, varying leader wants to do you harm. But luckily you've just set off the alarm. Oh, there we got.

Strong stuff there. Now, the first round is called the Great Train of Thought robbery. Basically, the way we like to describe it is it's a cross between just a minute. and mallet's mallet, which again is one reference, two references that you're... I struggle with the phone bit in Phil's story as well. But I just about kept up. But yeah. You're just about.

So I'm going to give one player a topic they have to talk about for 59 seconds. That is 59 seconds for legal reasons. However... I think one of our team's going to struggle. Yeah. How's you going to fill the time? However, if any other player here's a word you think could inspire a brand new train of thought, a brand new topic to talk about, they can shout steal at any time and steal the game.

They'd have the remaining time to talk about a brand new topic of their choosing until the time runs out or someone else steals. Okay? If I believe it's a correct challenge, they win two points. If I think the topic is too similar to the one they've interrupted, it goes back to the player who was speaking, okay? Whoever's playing at the end of the round gets a whopping five points.

We're going to start with Chloe, okay? So Chloe, you've got 59 seconds to talk about victimless crimes. I am a huge fan of victimless crimes. I don't believe that victims... I don't believe victimhood is a real thing. I believe it's a state of mind. I think...

Steele. Tom Parry. Mind is a charity that sponsors a lot of runners in the London Marathon, which has recently become a two-day event. Steele. Runners are these little strips of carpet that you put up your stairs. And it's like, why don't you just do it for the whole thing?

Like, you wouldn't do, like, you wouldn't carpet your sitting room by just carpeting the middle. Well, that's a rug, actually. Fair. Now I think about it. Steele. Tom, you can steal.

A rug is also a nickname for a wig or a toupee. And I have long... Steal, steal, still. Why you're stealing from... Thanks, TV. I think we know why. Can I just say, if you steal from your own team, you still get the points, so it's fair.

It's fair. He's going to get... If this is good, he gets the two points. Well, to pay is a fool's game because I got my hair transplant for free. And as we can all see... And as we can all see the man in Tesco car park is a deal.

Okay, you've got two seconds for a new topic. Car parks are a great place to film. There we go. Chloe Pets, not only starts the round. But ends the rounds. I can't help him feel I lost our team a point there. But you know what? We got steals from every, I think, I believe, every player.

So points all round, but also Chloe. Chloe, you get the points at the end. Ben, we're over to you. Oh, boy. We're now talking about my summer wardrobe. Of course we are. It's the summer. So, Clarkie, you have got 59 seconds and your time starts now. My summer wardrobe this year, I just, shorts aren't enough anymore.

All right. Steel. Tom Harry. Roger Moore was a greatly underrated James Bond. People thought that because he was very good. comedic and very good at raising an eyebrow that he wasn't as serious as Sean Connery. But actually, he embodied the very

time that he was being James Bond. He fit the 80s like a glove and actually managed to swap genres with a film without ever changing the actual content of the films that they were making. A supreme bond, a bond for his time. And actually, what greater compliment? Can you

pay a bond than saying that they are almost like a mirror to the society? that they are being the James Bond Four. More the absolute exquisite secret agent who could also make you laugh. He could save the world and save the evening with a bomb motte or a cuttail. I believe Ben was there.

You have two seconds. You've actually got one and a half seconds. You got one and a half seconds. Let's see what you do. It's like a bomb film, isn't it? It's very tense. Here we go. Bond means good in French.

Still. You've got half a second. The French called pancakes. You've got a quarter of a second. Call my agent is... Still! You've got... James Bond is an agent.

I'm going to give it to him. It's Tom Perry there. Oh, God. Incredibly effective. That is how you play. That is how you play. I forgot I was in that. Yeah, I know.

Best scene of time. It's such a nice time. There was a bit where we were just listening to a really good BBC sound podcast about Roger Moore. It was lovely. Really enjoyed that. Very, very good.

Much missed. Much malign. Much missed. Of course, now, Phil, we're over to you. Well, fingers crossed. I can make this last a minute. 59 seconds. On student films.

Oh, fuck. My second funniest story. We've got learning to love yourself. 59 seconds on learning to love yourself, Phil Ellis. Well, the first time I learned to love myself, I realized I had to find a lot for... Oh, come on. The word is steel, but...

It isn't. Purely involuntary. Slower. Stop, slower. You've got 53 seconds, Clark Eat. Oh, literally. I was literally just trying to stop him. Still! In which case, you can still with the story back, yeah.

I learned to put a lock on the door. What I used to do was I'd act like I was listening to Radiohead, where really I was just loving myself silly. Sometimes, it's really hard to love yourself when you're listening to a song that's telling you that you're a loser. But that's, I quite like that in a way. And sometimes I love myself with a pillow under the door because my Basset hound used to sometimes sniff at the door

and it would put me off loving myself because I'd be going, oh, the bloodhound wants to... And he could smell it. He could smell that you were loving yourself. Bloodhounds have a very good sense of smell and they can smell foxes, rabbits, any other kind of... some kind of beast that they would like to sniff out. But they can also sniff out a young man having a good time.

Still. So, thank God for that. Chloe, I love the game you're playing. The Clockwatcher. No, no. You've got... That one I was actually transfixed. It's a good story.

That wasn't competitive. I was just like, I want to see how long you can wank to this Bassett house. Not to it before it gets to me. Weirdly afterwards, this, off the clock. Weirdly afterwards. This is free.

I'd let him in and we'd have a cuddle. I don't even want the point. Neither did he. Chloe, you have half a second. I can say anything really. your time starts now. Time is of the essence. There we go.

That's it. That's it. Chloe Fetz. With the five points there at the end. And finally, the final first player of this round, Tom Parry, you're going to be telling us all about sliced bread. Your 59 seconds, crucially, your 59 seconds begins now. Medium or thick is the eternal question when it comes to buying sliced bread, because you

think actually. If you're getting thick, in your brain, you think, I'm getting more bread here. No pets. Thick or thin asses is the question in society at the moment. Steel. Oh, come on, mate. He's got a hug with a basset out lined up.

I was 36 seconds with cuddles of Fido there. You all let me carry on. Fair play. Tom, you, asses. If you're going to traverse the Grand Canyon,

you need at least two sturdy asses to carry your luggage for you unless you can swing for a helicopter trip. Let me tell you, that's the main choice when you get to the canyon.

Clarkie. Helicopters, you have to be very careful if you're making a film. One of them approaches you and you have any sort of a weapon. Particularly a handgun. Now, had guns that fire black.

Oh, actually, no, I should have come in earlier. No, you can come in now, if you like. I was just going to mention, no, to be honest, no, I was just going to reference, I was going to reference the Twilight Zone film that was made, and there was an incident with a helicopter. Oh, yeah, that was horrible, wasn't it? Yeah, yeah.

I'm going to back out. Yeah, don't mention that, yeah. Yeah. Sorry, it just triggered a bit. Yeah, if you know, you know, but if you don't, then continue yourself lucky. So, Clarkie, I don't really want to say anything,

you've got 19 seconds left and you were talking, of course, about shooting at a helicopter. Yeah, handguns, actually, because I was once on a trip with... Tripped, I once tripped. Yeah. God, Bill, you did, didn't you?

I was doing a race at school against... I'm not going to say, can we beat this name out? Just don't say it. Well, okay, well... In fact... Has Phil... Phil just learned about self-editing. I was racing against beat-beat.

What, the roadrunner? You're never going to beat him, Phil. Exactly. I put my Acme dynamite in front of him. And that's your time. There we go. Bill with your points. It's good stuff.

That was, what a round, hey? What a round. Still got no idea what the rules are, but it was a good round. So, at the end of that round, producer Gwyn, you gentlemen thief, please tell us what you think the scores might be. Yeah, it's not impossible.

I misunderstood how to do the scores because they're quite high. Tom and Phil have 28. Ben and Chloe have 24. Whoa. It's a high scoring game. 1000% not worked out how to do the fucking scores then. They should have about two.

We should have about 100. I tell you what, while this goes to BAR, we will take a short break. There is. Everything could change we return in part two. See you in a bit. See you in a bit. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive.

The Price is Right Fortune Pick. BetMDM and GameSense remind you to play responsibly. 19 plus to wager. Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact Connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge.

BetMGM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. Welcome back to Flash air slam down. Oh yes. Now before the break, unbelievably, Tom and Phil were in the lead. The scores haven't changed,

but London has. Do you know, most parts of London are a no-go zone. Genuine, I'm sick and tired of walking through the city I was born in and being made to feel a second-class citizen just because I refuse to wear trousers and pants. And I'm constantly shooting it helicopters.

Never mind that now. It's time for round two. It's flat games. Games. We play together. Games. Let's play forever. Go the dice. Spin that thing. Put that there.

Lose your toes. Games. If you lose, you get nothing. Games. When you get gold. Did you hear that last one laughing? Last one chanting gold more like. Give that red card, Jimmy Carr.

Yes, yes. You fucking nerd. Yeah. This week, we're playing our version of Grand Theft Auto, which we're calling Grand Phaftert Auto tune. Not chanting gold anymore, aren't you? You have to sing about a famous grandparent to the tune of a famous crime-related song.

Of course. Of course. At least, that's what it says here anyway. Why wouldn't you? Who's writing this kind of stuff. But anyway, we'll push on. Your teammate must guess which grandparent you're singing about. One point for a correct guess.

Ten points for bringing a smile to this aging conversation. Roger's wrinkly old face. So that's 10 points for performance. But of course, producer Gwynn will play the songs if he can keep his hands off himself for long enough. For long enough to press play because we all know this, right? You know that he is one of South West London's

most notorious granny botherous. Oh, Gwynn. Quinn. I heard he bought a Ouija board just to bother my nanning. This is true. This is true. fucking sick mate

you're sick why do you want it laminated Gwyn that's awful leave her corpse his hair alone stop taking a lock of it yes what are you trying to build what's

he he loves a frosted delight that Gwyn but we cannot we that's not what this round is about guys we can't we're gonna see

a lovely frosted delight we'll start with Clarkie, your crime song is Mac the Knife by Bobby Darren. Chloe, what famous grandparent is Ben singing about? DJ Gwyn, you grandpa grabber. Play that tune. Oh, well, his feet, your teeth are probably a little bit false. And his hair is a pearly white.

Well, he lies in bed all day, longson and he never gets bed bites. Oh, well, the grandpa on his grandson is going off to a factory. Oh, but he doesn't, he gets out of bed and doesn't dance because he's so excited and he's a little bit. And he's A little bit strange Oh, and they share a bed Oh, quite a few of them

Don't you know But it's not a sexual thing No So watch how quid No, they're just two Who pour to Sleep in super rooms But I'll worry about that

Now I think his Grandson's gonna Oh nay Chocolate Factory. And I presume a lot of money comes with that. Although actually when Kraft took over

Cadbury I don't think that worked out too well for them. Quality of the chocolate and Capri's has taken an absolute swathees. Oh, please just look after

Oh yeah. Right, Clarkie, I will award you some points and I'm going to award you quite a lot of points because that was a fantastic rendition. It really was. But Chloe, who was Clarkie singing about? Quite clearly, David Attenborough. It was David Attenborough, everybody.

Grandpa Joe. It was Grandpa Joe. From Charlie in the Chocolate Factory and straight out of the gate is 10 out of 10 for Clarkie. I love it. Loved it. Next up, it's Phil Ellis. Now, your song is by an act that is much maligned,

and I believe that to be totally unjustified. The song is Smooth Criminal by Alien Ant Farm. Now they are. Where's that by a pic? When you said familiarize yourself with that version, I went, I know it already. No, I'm not. Not sure.

Okay. You must know the alien ant farm version. Okay. So now Tom, what famous grandparent is Phil singing about DJ Gwyn? You age gap enthusiasts. Play that tune. Got to get bloody kick in. There's a little old lady and she's hiding in a bed.

Yeah, you know, she likes to lie in her bed. Oh, she's so alone, but what's at outside is it a little dog, but it's a bit dangerous, more dangerous than a normal dog. Oh, oh, but she's hiding there. She's such a nice little frail lady. Out inside, she's so brittle, a little bit like toys from the 80s, like the asterix toys my mum and dad bore, sometimes Obelix's arm fell off, but they were so brittle like an old lady.

Anyway, let's get back to the stage. There's an old lady in the house, there's an old lady, and she's in her little house, and she is, oh my God, she's so scared, but she wants to answer the door, but why would you answer the door when you've got a wringo? Oh no, I forgot. It's long ago, you've not got a ringo. She's really old lady.

She's in that house, and she knows. She doesn't know who's coming in. Oh, oh, oh, no. It's that dog that's not a dog, but it's bigger than a dog. It's like a bit hairy, it's like a dog with a rough. Oh my God, it's a dog with a rough, and he's rough, and he's tough, and he's tough, and he's rough, and he's a dog with a rough, no, he's not even dog with a rough, he's a different kind of beast, he's someone saying, it's a different animal than a dog.

Oh, and she's so scared, but who's this? It's a granddaughter. Whoa, wow, why's she coming there? What's you doing? She's got her hood on. Well, is she going to call so? Is she going to come in? steal from her grandma. Who knows? No, she's not. She's a surprise. She's coming. A grandma's not there, but it's a dog with a rough in my grandma's hair. Phil Ellis, everybody. Phil, starting slow, didn't it? You're watching CBB's Bedtime Story with Phil Ellis.

Can I just say, Phil, at no point did it say in the rules you can't say wolf? You've got to admire that though. You took the darkest possible path through that forest. The darkest possible path. I didn't want to make it too easy for my teammate. Is that why you went on the asterisk and obelisk digression? I really don't know what that came from. But those toys were so brittle.

I remember Oblox had Oblix for a day and he had one arm by the end of it. He was supposed to be the strong one as well. I know the irony, the irony. Throughout this show, I've been thinking, is Phil Ellis neurodivergent? And then that bit happened and I was like, yeah, yeah. It's a really short radio series, that is it? It's not that short, Phil tells the story halfway through.

It's a 12-parter. Release the Ellis cut. Three hours, long in bike and white. Tom, have you got any idea? Have you got any idea what famous grandparent Phil was singing about?

It arrived late. Who was the grandparent from the asterix books? Little Red Riding Hood. It's the grand from Little Red Riding Hood. It is indeed, yeah. It's the grandmark of Little Red Riding Hood. I'm pretty sure

it's got Wolf in the title actually. It was a very, very good performance. What am I going to? I mean, it's tricky not to give you 10, but I'm going to do it. It's nine. There we go. There we go.

That's cruel. So, Chloe, you have got, I shot the sheriff by Bob Marley. Now, I know that I shot the sheriff, but I didn't shoot the criminal, but I didn't shoot the deputy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It turns out you don't know it.

How does the full song go after that bit? Yeah, yeah. We'll find out. We'll find out. You'll find out as the song progresses. Now, that is, that for you is the, is the grandparent you're singing about. Ben, that's for you to guess.

Right. Okay. So, yes, it is I shot the sheriff. I'm really excited to see how this goes, actually. So what famous grandparent is globally singing about? DJ Gwyn, stop Googling the visiting hours of your local care home. Quinn. Quinn.

You can't. Weird all of shame. It's a really shame. It's a shame. It's such a shame. And play that tune. I've got a face with two little hands on my face.

I'm standing there. People coming past they're looking at me. I'm telling them stuff about where it is. I'm telling them stuff about what. about what the time I've got a face with two little hands and some numbers and if you look at my tummy

there might be some things there a gorgeous rendition wow wowza I got I panicked because I realized that I was an accent that was different to my own. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, we all do it.

We all do it. The thing I'm going to write down is, wow. That song. It didn't sound like I was trying to do Jamaican, did it? Well, it, no, he did. Can we do that? Can we play it back? Guys, for those listening at home,

I just said the name of Phyllis Ellis' friend over and over and over again, Phil Lice and it has all been edited out. I'll tell you, come back in a couple of days we'll ADR it. No, no, I think that was, I think, I'm gonna, I'm gonna say the accent was all right. I agree, you were fine.

Yeah, okay. I think it's the debate that's made us uncomfortable. Five, five white people sat here decided whether an accent was okay. I didn't know Bob Marley was Belgian. Didn't know. Didn't know. Okay, well, you know,

it was just some really cool stuff coming up in my career. Nice to know that I'll be edited out of the next series of Taskmaster. Oh, no, you don't do the accent, do you? No, I would say I'm probably the least controversial figure on that lineup. Anyway. Nice being, you know, all those sweet repeat fees you're not going to get. Email agent underline. So, Clarkie, have you got any idea

what grandparent Chloe was singing about? I would say, it's a grandfather clock. Is correct. Now, I don't know, is it more woke to give it 10 or 1? Really hard to play this one. Really hard to play this one. Split the difference, 11?

There we go. 11 points to Chloe bets. Hmm. Tom Harry. I'll get 11 points if I do the accent. I'm all ears. Teammate. In fact, I won't hear it unless you do do it.

So finally, Tom, you're giving us Johnny Cash's Folsom Prison Blues. Phil. Few. As sung by. Tonight, Matthew, I'm not going to be. Phil, what famous grandparent is Tom singing about? DJ Gwyn, you oh, a paedophile.

Play. It's such a weird thing to be, isn't it? Play it away from me. What are they right? On the, what are they spray paint on the front of his house? Nance. Nance. That's it.

I couldn't think of it. Anyway, DJ Gwyn. Oh, that's coming out. DJ Gwyn! What an audience. DJ Gwyn. DJ Gwyn, stop per disguising yourself like a tartan shopping trolley

and play that tune. I live in colder climates. I do not drink the lilt. I wander down the high streets. And yes, I wear a kilt. You know I've got some space. special powers, but I don't know why. If I saw the Lochness monster, that monster's gonna die.

Whoa, boy. It's one for Chloe. Chloe, do you have any idea? Well, I was like, you're gonna have to go in for another ten minutes. That was unironically fantastic. fantastic. It's great. It's really good.

Can we have a fucking clip a question? Can we have a fucking into that? My name is Johnny Cash and I live in a prison.

Okay, turns out. Turned up, the answer's no. The answer is no. I don't think I know the words either. I never said you had to learn the words. I never said, just the tune. So,

I was in a prison. That was, it was a very, very good version. There was a biopiaker about me. All of his songs were... His brother, dad, too young. Of course you'd go there. The Phoenix. Of course you'd go to that bit.

Yeah, of course it is. It's a shame, actually. He had a lot ahead of him. I really enjoyed it. It's a very underrated film. Piano Reed. I mean... Anyway.

I would say, That was about Super Nann. It was about Super Grand, in fact. But yes, I'm going to give you the point, nevertheless. The Scottish. Superhero. Super Grand is absolutely like. Family series.

I love it. I can't get on. One for the teenagers there. Super Grand. Of course it was Super Grand. And I'm going to give you, it was a fantastic rendition. I'm going to give you 10 out of 10. Take it.

How highest scoring episode ever? It's going to be a big one, isn't it? Well, next round's worth a point. Hey, I can't wait for my funny story. You've got a funny story coming up, haven't you? Yeah, well, I'll tell you what, we'll do the show first. Fool me twice, shame on me. I'll just be outside.

Throw a quid at me, I'll tell you. Phil's busking outside. I'm like a trolley. Put a quid in me, I'll tell you. Now, producer, Gwyn, decent exposure at the back. of the bingo let's let's hear the scores to the tune of Mac the Knife I love nanzas I love grandads and I'm gonna fuck them all Tom and Philhound

49 points Ben and Chloe 47. Whoa! Well, I barely heard the scores there. I didn't. I didn't say. A saucy version. Fuck it out.

So as a man just... You do you think you are? Way rude! Never defend yourself in court. Fucking out. Well, I tell you what, speaking of court... I am in the cert. It's time.

It's time to get a trip to court, which Gwynn should do. It's beef brothers! Oh! Yes, indeed, it's Beef Brothers, where each week we ask our panellists to sort out a flat share-based beef, and today's one comes from Andy, who is in the audience.

Hello, Andy, are you there? Hello. Hello, there he is. Okay, Andy writes this, Thornton's beef, my sister and her husband. They started doing beef? I bet it's good. Oh, I love a beef selection box.

Oh, yeah. Big box of different kinds of beef. Wait, that's pork. That's always the last one left, isn't it? The pork chocolate. This is my fourth beef box of the day. Mint truffle. But it's funny because that could be a mint truffle.

That is funny. You honestly can't put a price on chemistry like that. Clipping up, guys, watch the lights roll in. My sister writes a right to Andy, my sister and her husband came round for dinner. They brought a box of Thorntons with them. 75% to 80% of the chocolates were already gone. Right, Ben and Chloe.

I'm suddenly a lot more interested in this show. Do I get to glass someone at the end? It's Phil if he tries to tell a story. Bed and Chloe, you are on Andy's side. Of course you are. Tom and Phil, you are on the side of the sister and the husband. But before all of that, let's have a cross-examination. Now, Andy, are you prepared to give,

you're prepared to name and shame, to name your sister, name the husband, or would you prefer to be sister and husband? Can we just call them sister and husband? We can indeed, because. I'm not the other way around, so... Cool, but what are their first names? We'll bleep it out, don't worry.

So we've got a sister and husband, I'm assuming they're not here tonight. No, not tonight. They're not here tonight. Okay, does anybody have any questions for Andy? It's just Andy who's here. Yeah, has your sister got previous for pulling shit like this?

No, first time. So it's the husband then. Had they... How far away does this sister and husband live? from your house? About a 15 minute drive. Oh, that's cool, a lot of way. Yeah.

Did it get stranded or anything? That's a long way. Can I ask, like, have they, like, if they, have you, have you had a relative that celebrated a 50th birthday? Have they ever just appeared with an inflated five? And a saggy zero. Like, they've sucked. It's a good question, Andy, you need to answer it.

It's a good question that. Yeah, good question that one. A lovely lifting gas. Yeah, you're allowed to say helium. Out of the zero. It's not the previous round where you made your own rule of not being able to say any words. Have they ever appeared? Have they ever appeared at a 50th birthday?

No, no. voice going, happy! And they've got a five on them. Oh, Phil, just to explain that's funny because you're being a fucking idiot. Oh, so big, we're on this. Oh, shit, I'm on his side. Oh, nice one, mate.

No, they've done the right. Oh, shit, yeah, yeah. Yeah, what is your problem, mate? Mind your fucking neck in, mate. Any... Any further questions for Andy here? Yeah. Which, what are they taken?

All the good ones. Fucking hell. What time of year was this? Was it the time between Christmas and Boxing Day? He's really hoping. He's a really hoping. No. And also, what is the time?

Christmas and Boxing Day. Christmas night. It's that lawless six days. No, no, no. Tom, you're thinking of New Year's Eve. Oh, Christmas Day and Boxing Day. Because I was on your team, I didn't want to step in. I thought no one had noticed.

That glorious milliseconds. Because everyone got off. But everyone kind of got what you meant. Everyone got the gist. That was just... That was when they played that one second, game of football in World War I, wasn't it? Tell me more well, it's inflated

five in a saggy zero. We've got it, Phil. I'm writing football down here. I've got them on getting the best. I'm no chance. Did you confront them about this? Did they give any explanation? No, I was much too English about it.

What? Define the good ones in a Thornton selection box, if you don't mind me saying. Give me your top three. He doesn't fucking know they're all gone. No, they're not all gone. What was the percentage left? We're talking about 20 to 25% left.

Okay, well, would you tell me what was left? Do you mind telling us the actual flavour? We don't have to filibuster this, you know? That's his full name. I just want answers. Sorry, what flavors were left? Is anyone taking this seriously? What flavours were left over, Andy?

What flavors were left over? We're talking soft centres. What were left over? Yeah, as a, as a coconut one, like a kind of raspberry one. No, you're right. No, you're right. I can't defend this. I'm meant to, aren't it?

We could just call it and move on. Yeah, that's Bruce is brutal. You're right, mate. That was fucking rank that. Andy, can we do a role play where I'm you and you're, your sister, and you hand over the Thorntons because I just want to know

with which tone she handed them over. Was it a Joviour one? Did she know that something was wrong? Hey, sister. That's good. Someone's done this before. That sounds good. Someone's been watching Nickelodeon.

That's good actually. Clip that up for my voice real, please. Can you add the Jamaican accident as well? Pop my... Imagine me, next Bob Marley in a biopin. Colorblind casting? Hey, sister. Welcome over, good to see you again.

Oh, what you got for me there? We just brought you some chocolates. Yeah, you can have them one of you like. Okay. Weird. Weird things that you've got to have them right now. You've got to fucking eat everyone right now. I swear to God or else

we'll take them back. Were they doing it as a joke? If they are, it's been going on about six months. No punch on yet. Just to get this straight, is it just you living there? Do you have a partner?

Anyone else that were given the chocolates too? Me and my wife. Okay, you and your wife. And did you open the chocolates in front of them during the party, or did you wait after the party to open the chocolates? Thank you. After dinner, yeah, we opened them. So I passed them around.

Who'd been around the chocolates up to that point? I don't know if you have to do this, but I want to... Oh, that's interesting. And anyone have been around the chocolate before you got to open up. This is why I got a Waitrose advert with Joe Wilkinson and Dustin. Yeah, yeah. Slightly smaller budget. It's also such a shame that we've asked such bad questions

that Matthews had to get involved. What flavour of chocolate do you like? That's okay. That's to reference, Joe. He's the equivalent on an escape room when the person has to come over the top. Have you tried that book on the shelf? You've been looking at the wallpaper for 20 minutes now. Phil's going, I think it's a five and a zero.

It's too high up. If I had some lifting gas. The funny thing is, we've still got my funny story to come. Phil, I assure you we haven't. Can't wait for the quickfire stories about the... Oh, my God. The question still stands, Andy. But what?

So they brought a full box and then they ate. And then somebody else that wasn't you... Your greedy, greedy wife. Oh, conjecture. Conjecture. Well, I'm on his team, but I'm not... I don't know. Are they there?

Are they there now? No, she's not here, no. She's in a diabetic coma. Have you separated from this person? Phil. We might as well get the full story. They might not be together anymore. Maybe they're a liar.

Are you still with your... Are you still with your wife or not? Are you still with your greedy, lying wife? Well, hopefully that is enough information to make the cases. So without further ado, I want to know. Without further ado, I have to move things on. I met a lady outside and she's stank of chocolate. And she would not give you any toilet roll.

So remember Ben and Chloe, you're on Andy's side. Tom and Bill, you're on the side of the sister and the husband. And Chloe, your minute to begin the case for the prosecution begins. Well, I don't wait. Can you help me understand. what I'm arguing. You're arguing that Andy is in the right and you've got a minute to put forward that case

and your minute begins now. Well, I would like to put it to are we prosecutional defendant? I would like to put it to the people in my present company that my client is not guilty of anything. All he did was host his sister and her husband for a beautiful party.

He didn't ask for anything in return. Instead, what he got was an insult. Fine. If you don't want to bring something, don't bring something. That's okay. I didn't ask you to. To bring 20% of a box of chocolates is an insult against me, my family and my fat wife.

Think you might have this, guys. Think you might have this. Case closed. Case close. Bill, we're bleeping stuff out, yeah? Wait a minute, am I against... Phil! You are on... For the couple who ate the chocolate.

Okay. For the couple that ate the chocolate? Okay, here we go. Very reasonable. Okay. Okay, now you've got one minute, Phil. You are opening the case for the defence. Your minute begins now.

Well, I put it this way, to be honest. I don't need to worry about it. I mean, with the asterix and obliques, figures aside. I put it to you, that your sister and her husband, knew very well that your wife has been missing for five years. Why would they bring a full box of chocolates to a sad man?

A sad man with a lot... There's no way around it. A lot of cling film from floor to wall. And on the floor, some would call it a kill room. Why is it there? No grown man should have three barrels that are blue in his kitchen whilst he still protest to have a wife.

I wouldn't bring you around. I won't bring you around one of those those cakes that you get at Christmas that no one eats. What are they called? What they call? Do you remember those cakes? Christmas cake? No, not the Christmas cake. The big one. Stolen. No, Panetone. Panetone, yeah.

I wouldn't bring it. I don't... I won't even bring you their box. I'd throw you crumbs. You don't deserve! I'm sorry. No, I'm sorry. You don't deserve a full sheath

of Thornton's chocolates and RIPthorntons, by the way, because it's redundant as a shop, but it still exists as a brand like Woolworths does slightly, and Debenhams is ironically being resurfaced. But anyway... The point is, you killed a brand of chocolate.

Where is your wife? Objection. Objection. Objection, Your Honour. Objection, yes. An objection here from Chloe Petz. What's your objection? That was all conjecture.

It's a good point, Beth. I don't think it's going to weaken either side, really. Andy, I've got to ask you, how do you think it's going so far? It's going pretty well It's going pretty well It's going pretty well I bet you regret filling that form in on the way in

It's like you wanted to be caught At the BTK killer Sending an email from the church You're working So Ben you are going to conclude the case. You're going to conclude the case for the prosecution. You have...

You have one minute. And it begins right now. Pretty tough to make this argument. A lot of what I wanted to say, Phil just did. Tough. I think what you've got to do next time they come round, serve them 25% of a fucking meal. Yeah.

What a disgrace. But I will say this. fortunate you've got a Thornton's box of chocolate and not a Cadbury's because let me tell you the quality. Oh boy. It's taking a goddamn nose dive. I believe actually

it was my father, he used to tell me this. He used to sit me down and he would say, Ben, life is like... A box of chocolates. You do know what you're going to get, and it's fuck all. Clarky, everybody.

Ben Clark, concluding the case for the prosecution very strongly. Now, Tom, it's over to you to conclude the case for the defence. Are you going to do it as yourself this week? No, I'm going to do it the style of a deep South defence lawyer from a John Grisham novel.

Mr. Fanshaw Standon. Fanshaw Standon. Presiding and providing. your minute should you need it begins now. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury. We've been here a long time in this here courtroom. Hell, hell.

Y'all been sequestered and then some. I know what y'all think in midsummer the bakery. We gotta get outside here. Them their lawyers from the big city with their big fancy woods. Right here, we simple folks. We biblical folk Y'all remember what

the good Lord Pastor Sam used to say it was in his field after the church burned down God darned the devil tests us and he stood there in that field

and he said sure what you see over there 20% of a church 15% of the church stones rubble the broken cross And he looked around his field And he said, hell, but look at that there blue roof up there

I'm seeing a whole lot of roof Look at the green grass on the floor, hell, that more than 20% of a carpet The good Lord told us one thing the day I burned, the day The good Lord told us one thing the day that church was burned to the ground. Hell, you either got 80% of nothing or 20% of summon. And I know what I prefer.

The defense rests. Your honor. Johnny Cash, everyone. Johnny Cash. Johnny Cash. Live from Fulson Prison, Johnny Cash. I was born in prison. My name's Johnny Cash.

Now, I cannot make the decision myself as I'm currently under investigation for going bottomless at the trooping of the colour. That's one colour you don't want to see troop. So instead, I'm going to ask the live Phoenix audience to cast their vote. If you think Andy and therefore Ben and Chloe are in the right, I would like you to applaud now.

Very strong. But if you think Phil and Fanshaugh made the best case, stop it. There was a very vocal faction, but slightly smaller, I believe that went to Ben and Chloe. Oh, fuck. Big thanks to Andy. Andy, how do you feel about the result?

You won? My wife is very much alive. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it. Prove it. My wife is very much alive.

That fucking madmack sequel. It's horrible. So very soon, guys. very, very soon. We are going to be setting the burglar alarm, but first I have to do a very quick edit point. Chloe, I'm afraid we've got no time for you to sing a song and we're going to have to skip people.

There's two. In fact, makes it easy. Getting ready for my story. In fact. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive, the price is right fortune pick. BetMGM and Game Sense remind you to play responsibly,

19 plus to wager, Ontario only. Please play responsibly. If you have questions or concerns about your gambling or someone close to you, please contact connects Ontario at 1-866-531-2,600 to speak to an advisor. Free of charge. BetMGEM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. In fact, we've only got time for the Quick Fire Round Jingle.

Oh, this is the Quick Fire Round Jingle. Oh shit. It's the round but goes real quickly, which is why it's always so amusing that it has a long introduction. Oh, it has a long introduction. The round itself, well it's actually quite quick. But the jingle lasts a long. time you would think that a really quick round would have a quick jingle oh yes you would have a really quick gin but that ain't the case this quick fire round got its name for a reason

it's supposed to be quickly fight out of the mouth of the hose to host, Matthew. And that's by the contestants in a quick fireway. That's the case. So then tell me, why's this jingle? So goddamn to do it long. It still continuing. Yes, it is.

Hell, it's a really long jing. For this round, it's supposed to be sure. If I was this jingle I'd have finished long ago Just like my relationship with Lady Bessime She hit the road for Houston She ain't coming back What you gotta do in Houston I said to Bessime

Anyway turns out She's good with a number She got a job but NASA gonna fire rockets into space using math and mat tonics Best and me- Oh I knew was you did sums sat on my porch considering jingles And you are in Houston ground control the Major Tom And you're firing damn rockets in space What's going on? One of them, they're astronauts.

I guess that was always the difference between you and I best of me. I was always looking at stars and you weren't doing them sums about how to get... I was never good at sums. So I'll sit right here Look at them stars and consider this jingle Must have been going on now for four minutes or so

And if it goes home for another two minutes That would have my sons let me down again For the stars best of me Keep doing them subs I'm gonna finish this jingle Put a bullet in my brain best it may not be no mathamatonic but hell you and me want of one we made up five yes you did we made up five

and here it is the quick fire it's so sad that's so confusing quick file round okay my story sounds succinct now Yes, folks, this is This is the quickfire round But the bigger question is, what is this podcast? This may be the quick fire round, but what? It's not for everyone.

All for anyone. No, it's not really. Yes, this is the quickfire round. And as this show is all about stealing, we're going to ask you to steal the dollars by removing the S's from your answers. Instead of buzzers, I'd like you to shout out your first names,

but with the S's removed. Ben and Chloe, let's hear yours. Ben. Chloe. Yep. Phil. Phil. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Now I hear it, not quite exciting. But anyway, yes, that's what you're doing for the rounds as well. I'll give the questions as well. I've got a lisp. I know, I know. You're fucked, aren't you really? Absolutely. A lip.

That is how we play. Off we go. A fill. between two slices of bread is often known as what? Hey. Come on, guys. Ben.

Bread. Nope. Tom. An andwich. Anandwich is absolutely correct, yes. Name this. How was that? Sorry, sorry.

I'm sorry. I'm going to have to stop the round. Sorry. Is a sandwich the filling in the middle? Yeah, that's like... No, no, filling between two slices of bread is a sandwich. I thought it was the whole thing.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying... Sorry, I've not got... I'm not saying what's the name for the filling. I'm sorry. The filling is the filling. Right, I'm sorry, I know it's got by. Okay. Let's not ruin a nice night. Question one.

Two slices of bread with a filling is often known as what? Antwidge. Sorry, I hadn't explained it was actually 12 inches. It was Upway Anwich, actually. Sorry, Phil, I can't give you the points. Name the slithery creature, the slithery animal with a shell on its back. Yes. Oh.

Nail. Is correct. Who wrote 12th night, Hamlet and Othello? Hey, Hale. Haleigh. Is correct, but do shout your name out first time. No, Hake, and I said Hakespeare, which is wrong, in it. I should have said Hokepeer, yes.

Sorry, I'll take the point back. Yes, absolutely. Chloe can have the point. According to Elton... I mean... Oh, no, that's all right. According to Elton John, what seems to be the hardest word? It.

Oh, Tom. ORI. I'm doing it as fast as I can. Who directed E.T. Jaws and Disclosure Day? Toby. Tom. Tiven Peelberg. Is correct.

Name the northern football team that features a day of the week in its name and recently... Chloe. Heffield, Wend... I'm going to give it to you, yes. Kel, I'm doing the accent again. Name the Scottish ogre who is best friends with a donkey.

Chloe. Chloe. Preck. Preck is correct. Which... Which... God, I'm not a preferable. Which series of movies

features Tom Cruise's Agent Ethan Hunt. Hey, me here, impossible. It's correct, Phil. Name me... He's my favourite film star. I don't care.

I like him. Name the... I don't want it to be known. Name the acclaimed actress and producer who rose to international fame for her role in Basic instinct.

Haren... Haren tone. Haren tone is correct. But don't answer it so quickly that it seems like you're thinking about her all the time. They also produce the Quick and the Dead with Sam Ramey, who directed, and actually really went out of the way

to make that happen. So I think they should get a lot more... And Ramey, please. Name the second largest river in the United States that is famously hard to spell. Tom. Tom. It's correct.

And finally, name the elite special forces unit of the British Army with the motto, Who Dairs Win? I believe... That wasn't the answer. He's having flashback to his story. Who is this? Why has no one stopped with this? It's not for me.

I'll shoot at him. It's correct. Phil, that is the end of the round. Sorry, Clarkie. You were on. there you were robbed. It's the end of the round. It's the end of the game, guys.

So before we find out, the final scores, Chloe and Phil, have you got anything to plug? Not your funny story. Well, here we go. I let Chloe go first because this is going to take some time.

I'm genuinely exhausted. Yeah, it's not good, isn't it? Yeah. Honestly, I've had such a lovely day out, but I am ready for bed. Okay. I'm going to get into my pyjamas and ride the tube home in my pajamas.

No, I've genuinely got nothing to plug right now. No, no, no, no, no. I just came on for the love of the game, you know? Which you didn't realize was ours. Yeah. Chloe pets. Wonderful. Thank you.

Phil. Now. Well, I've got some stuff. So I'll be taught. I'm still touring and I'm so tired. You can do it, mate. I can do it. I can do it for another 20 dates.

I'm doing it in January. We've got another London date and all that, yeah. And Edinburgh. We've pretty much sold out Edinburgh, but there's some extra dates at the Pleasance that we're doing. It'd be nice to see, oh, this is horrible, isn't it? Yeah, it's painful this bit, isn't it? Yeah, yeah.

But my work I'm most proud of is me, I'm stealing dogs from elderly women, and I'm selling them on the black market. So I've got... Is that the dogs or the elderly women? Because Gwyn will tap you up, son. Well, Gwyn consoles them. I cut off the collars

because some have tags in them, sure. And then I'll just sell the dog. So let me know your kind of dog. Message me. Which one you want. Basically, I go from small, medium, large. I'll give you a reference.

Chihuahua. I'd say mediums, like Labrador. Large, we're talking St. Bernard or above. But, like, just let me know. Can you guarantee these are not going to arrive to us pre-cuddled? He didn't mention the bathearts.

He didn't mention the basset eyes. They'll be well worn, but they'll be... Pre-coloured, absolutely riddled with worms. Can't believe you remember that story, well. Still can't wait from my story. Thanks to all... It's coming up in just a little bit. Thanks to all...

Is it in here? Thanks to all of you for watching. As always, check out our patron. Patreon.com forward slash Pappies Flatshare where you'll be able to see Phil's story. Likes us... Everyone's got to stay for that as an extra, don't we?

Only the patrons. You have to join the Patreon to get out, in fact, actually. The irony of the patrons. We'll let you free. Like, subscribe, rate and review the podcast, or recommend the podcast to all of your friends. So, producer Gwyn, let us hear the final scores. This is very exciting.

It is very exciting. It is very exciting, everyone. It's exciting, guys. Hey, listen, listen. It's exciting. By the way, it's exciting. Ben and Chloe have 42. Tom and Phil have 46.

So Ben and Chloe are setting the burgo alarm while Tom and Phil are doing something with me that's going to cause quite a lot of alarm in the village. Thanks to our guest, Chloe Pets. And Phil Ellis. We've been Pappies. See you next time on. Flasherslander!

Pappies Flasherslander featured Matthew Crosby, Ben Clark and Tom Perry the special guest, Phil Ellis and Chloe Pets. It was advised by Pappington, Ben Walker. It was recorded. produced by Connor Hales and with Bruce Davis with video help from Max Brill. Big thanks to everyone at the Phoenix, to Katie Henry on the door,

and to all the wonderful folks who came to today's show and to you at home for listening. Pat me's flat chest and that is a secret news production for Megaphone. Cheers everyone. Oh, sorry. You're a holiday. Guys, a holiday. I can smell the sun cream, please.

A plate of sun cream, please. And listen, please drink sun cream every day. Please drink sun cream in the winter, guys. It's very important to keep you. back that sun cream even in the winter. Okay, well, anyway. Tom, why have you got your arm around me? Get the dead off of me. Stop it.

He's tickling me. Anyway, yes. Yes. Yes, guys. Okay, well, end of record. We've had a lovely time. We will speak to you soon. Please pause on the socials. We whack our clips up. They're on Instagram. They're on TikTok. They're on YouTube. And as we've well established, the clips are very rapidly becoming the content in this day and age.

Absolutely right. The clips of the content. So support the content on YouTube, TikTok and indeed Instagram. join the Patreon, come and see us live. I think that's pretty much everything. Yeah, we love you. We love you. We love you. Today's episode was produced by producer Connor.

And producer Gwynn. Oh, no, no. And Katie was on the door. Yay! Cheers everyone. Bye!