Pendejo Time - baby surgery

Episode Date: March 24, 2023

Had some technical difficulties recording this one so I threw a song on the beginning. Come get your slop -TSupport the Show.

I remember we used to eat snakes. Next to a big lake. Remember I saw a big crab. Yeah, now I have a big laugh. I saw a big hat. And that was on a big man. Remember we used to cry. But God had a big plan.

And God's got a big plan. And God's got some big hands, and God's got some big hams. That we eat for Thanksgiving, I know this is that great living. Yeah, now I'm giving everything I can, food in a can. Pineapples taste okay out of the can. Corn tastes bad out of the can. Pineapples taste okay out of the can. Corn tastes bad out of the can. You gotta drain the goop out when you eat corn from the can. I didn't know.

I was warming up a can of corn. It got warm. I empty it out on my styrofoam plate. You know how wet food gotta be to soak through a styrofoam plate. Then I had to wait. Calm myself. I felt like life was over I felt like I had nothing Except other cans of corn that apparently are all terrible It's incomparable

But there's other types of food you can get that come in a can If you want But if you want. But if you don't, you better get your money up. Get some fresh produce. That's the kind of food that you want to eat. Then you got to get your money up. Hey boy, can't be eating cans of corn every day. Women don't like it when they come to your apartment.

All you got is cans of corn. They say, are those good cans of corn? You say, no, it's not good corn. Don't eat that. Eat something else. I got problems. I gotta solve them. Yeah. I got problems, I gotta solve them, yeah I got troubles, I wish that I could blow bubbles with my friends like we used to

Yeah, we used to watch YouTube, videos of frogs blowing up Now I'm growing up, I think I'm still growing Yeah, my shoes are all too small. I still got like two balls. I think I lost count. I think my money's in the single digits for amounts. Yeah. We used to use shoeboxes to sleep in.

Every weekend. We'd shrink to the size of a baby. Will I survive this life? Yeah, maybe. Yeah. Maybe I'm crazy. Maybe when I grow up I can have a baby will i survive this life yeah maybe yeah maybe i'm crazy maybe when i grow up i can have a baby or become a baby all right now retarded three two one now now retarded three two one i was thinking uh wait oh we're good oh we're good yeah hold on yeah we're good just keep hitting this keep spinning that gangster shit now we're at now retarded Welcome to The radio station

For people with non-trainable IQs I was thinking man We don't have any new astronauts right now I know we got I know we got SpaceX But that's not real astronaut shit You know what I'm saying They're gonna go up to space like one time

They're just doing it for the know what I'm saying? Because they're going to go up to space like one time. They're just doing it for the NASA funding. I'm talking about sending people up in fucking bottle rockets. You know what I mean? I mean real low budget spaceships. We're talking volume. Not going to look good. You're not coming back.

We'll get you into space. Like some real Buzz Aldrin shit where it's like hey if you pull this off everyone's really really really gonna want to suck you down and you'll be the coolest motherfucker probably for like a thousand years people will remember you if you blow up no one will remember you after like a year maybe i couldn't name you one of the challenger people i have no idea who their names are i used to i used to live in a dorm that was named after one of the challenger people you don't remember couldn't tell you what the name even was buzz aldrin uh neil armstrong uh those two guys it sucks that there were way more people involved

with that but those are the two like i think it doesn't suck what if we had to remember a thousand names it's too many names i don't even know a thousand people um uh there was i so that i think i've talked about it on here before i had that internship for i was working at the it was a political research firm my job was to like dig up dirt like on like republican candidates it was like an opposition research is what it's called and it was a lady at the the company i told you about where the the lady was like when i didn't show up for work for like three days because i was just drunk um uh uh once oh god damn it motherfucker no we're good i I just... Jake keeps touching himself. I don't know why.

It's okay. He tries to go a few minutes without doing it, and he starts taking it out and pulling on it. I don't agree with the practice, but it's what he does. Are you recording? Yeah, I'm recording. Yeah, I'm recording. Sorry.

My boss is messaging me. Oh, your boss. Suddenly, Jake has a job now job now thinks he's hot shit i remember when you were sucking dick on the streets like a fucking whore sorry i never i try to not get distracted but you know i don't come on this show and play on my phone for two hours a week for you to be for you to be responding to your boss five minutes after you get off work

you think it's easy for me to go to my two classes come home get a tire fixed um oh I had to go to a fucking tire shop today oh yeah and I didn't have a terrible experience but it's always a terrible experience if i have it and uh you know i had to buy one used tire

and i'm thinking about ending my life over the the 50 i had to spend uh i don't think that should happen to a guy like me i I shouldn't need new tires. That's a problem that other people should have. You know what I mean? The fucking... I'd wish that on anybody but me. You know what I mean? Like, I would... I'd hope my neighbor gets one before I do.

I don't want to get off on the fucking spaceship shit. My fucking... God damn it. But that boss I had... Fuck. The tires, too. God damn it uh uh but i that boss i had fuck the tires too god damn it i hate this shit i fucking hate when people mess it's 5 20 not fucking it's past working hours baby anyway she so elon musk was going to send a bunch of people to mars and the launch date was 2019 i worked for this lady in 2016 2015 2016 and this was when elon was cool with the with liberal democrat types like this is before his heel turn he used to be a guy that liberals love they were like he's a wheeling and dealing cool boss he's like he's

like warren buffett he's like a cool billionaire he He's one of the ones, he drives an old car and he smokes that Zab, baby, and that's cool with me. Progressive, I guess. You know what I'm saying? And in a casual conversation, we would be at a work thing or whatever or a work meeting and she's like,

yeah, you know, 2019, I'm going to be out of here. I'm going to be on a trip to Mars. We all just sort of had to, like, accept that that was a reality for her. She was not an astronaut. She had no astronaut training. I think she worked for Hillary Clinton at one point. But she was like, you know, none of this stuff is going to be my problem soon

because I'm going to be on a spaceship to Mars. You know I'm going on a – I got selected to go on the mars trip right on elon musk's you'll be like yeah i know for for sure maria yeah 100 she'd be like yeah i don't know if you know one of those like we're like i don't know how many humble brags you get to get i feel like maybe one with people you're really close with. But like 10 with just people who you pay like $8 an hour is not like you don't. Yeah, I don't know if you know, but I have had sex before. It's pretty cool. I bet a lot of gay shit goes down in space.

You know? When they get up there, you just send 12 autistic guys in a big fucking lunchbox. You know? It gets weird. They're trying to play Magic the Gathering but the cards keep floating away.

You know? Eventually they have to turn to their more carnal sides. You know what I mean? Yeah, I don't imagine, I would imagine, I would imagine that, like, yeah, if you're doing math all day, trying not to die, like, you're not doing your times tables. Like, the math you're doing is pretty critical.

Like, you're like, all right, well, if we carry the X here, we might not explode. That's what I imagine astronauts do I have very little understanding they do they do multiplication that's how they determine the number of miles

we have times six plus how many people there are is how long it'll take to get there I think I think they should uh I'm getting sent out to space turned into dust should start being a criminal punishment you know because it's already you know to have somebody executed by the state it's like 30 million dollars or some gay shit like that you know what i mean uh super

expensive to execute somebody the way we do it now yeah you gotta have your concoction and all that what if we just built a big ass trebuchet just just try and send them all the way up well i think that i think what we've talked about or what people, what we've discussed and linked in the show is that it's easy. The cheapest and most effective and apparently most ethical way is firing squad. But I guess in all of the moralizing and philosophizing about killing another human being, they came to the conclusion that the most humane way to do it is to stop their heart with drugs and then get them really fucked up on a benzo and then have a doctor inject a third chemical that i don't remember what it does and then you die i'm saying

it's cost a lot of yeah they should um they should do it inject them with a drug where they jack off till they die. I guess there's just, I guess there's just meth. Yeah, I was going to say meth. Yeah, yeah. You just, you're in a room with a wild, like they put you in a room with a Wolverine and a bunch of gold and a bunch of fucking shard. And like, all right, here's the deal, Bubba. You can smoke all, you have to smoke all this meth. You gotta smoke 15 grams of ice.

If you can successfully fuck this wolverine, then you get to get off scot-free. But if it kills you or rips your penis off or you don't bust, you gotta go back to prison, I guess, to try again. Actually, the animals increase in size and aggression if you don't do it with a wolverine.

Is a wolverine a real animal? Yeah, I think that, yeah, man, it's a real animal. Is it? Yep. It's not just a guy with claws? Hold on. Yeah, they live in a, I think they live in a cold climate. Oh, it's like a big rat.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, they're real pissed big rat. Yeah. Okay. Yeah, they're real pissed off. It's fucked up. Do they live in a cold climate, or is it more of a... I don't remember if it's a jungle or cold. I don't think it's a jungle. I thought it was like a tundra.

Wolverine. Wolverine animal. Yep, it's hanging out in snow in this picture, so that's fine with me. Wow. It's Latin name is Gulo Gulo. Gulo is Latin for glutton. That's stupid as fuck.

Is it a gluttonous pig of an animal? Anyway, I think if you Yeah, it's found in the alpine tundra Of the northern hemisphere That's good They have them in Alaska Oh, okay, that's pretty sick Yeah

That's awesome I think I think every crime's punishment Should be fighting an animal But if you just do jaywalking or something, you just got to slam a squirrel on the ground really hard. And then it works its way up to giant squids. Yeah, if you're doing petty larceny,

like you steal some beer from 7-Eleven, you got to go outside. The judge is like, walk outside. This is a pretty wooded area. Catch the squirrel with your hands and smash it on the concrete. And we'll call it even Steven. But the animal has to have committed a crime. Squirrels are fucking pieces of shit.

Commit a lot of petty theft, but mostly of acorns, I've found. They actually do a lot of property damage. Yeah, they're fucked up little animals. They're like rats. They're a type of property damage. Yeah, they're not. They're fucked up little animals. They're like rats. They're a type of rodent. Yeah, any type of rodentia critter. It must have...

Whatever the fuck. I remember when I was a kid, I think it was in junior high, it was in like... It was the last year of the history classes where basically you learn... Of like fifth to sixth... Like the last year basically you learn of like of like fifth to sixth like the last year before you learn actual history you basically are learning like thanksgiving for a year like that

that for me was the first five to six years of social studies class was like hey man pilgrims came over here and it was super chill and we ate hot dogs together and then native americans they all live in arizona now and they really like that they're super big fans of living in the heat uh in places where they typically didn't go even when they ran this motherfucker um anyway one of the things that i remember learning is that they're that um that in there's a there's a tribe in Africa where the way that they were like, learn about the world.

And I remember the lesson of playing all that shit. It was like this African tribe, in order to become like a man, like to enter the warrior class, you have to hunt and kill a lion. And at this age, probably like 11 or 12 i took that information and it ran its way around in my brain and i went to everyone i knew and confidently said that every man born in africa has to kill a lion to like get a house like this was no this wasn't about like south like obviously there's a lot of

places in africa okay it's not just but i was a stupid kid at least five yeah yeah i remember like on the playground i'd be like yeah i learned something today um if you want to get a wife in africa you have to kill a lion with a knife people are like there's no way that really and i'm like yeah i learned about it in social studies. I don't know if you guys pay attention. You're probably thinking about your blocks, but I'm going to be a president one day because Ms. Teacher said that I could be.

And, and so I have to learn about stuff like this. I have to keep in mind all those stupid little factoids that you later find out are like not true. Or maybe they happened, like, one time. Yeah, I don't think it was up until, like, what? So we should become teachers. Dude, I wanted to be a professor. But right before we started this show, like, my goal was to, like, be a philosophy professor.

Which I think would have been pretty stupid, I think. Not that I don't think I could do it. Philosophy is easy. Anyone can get a higher education degree in philosophy. I don't take it seriously. People, like when I got it, people were like, oh, that's awesome, man. Congratulations.

It must have been really hard. Philosophy is very, very easy. It's very stupid. If you don't care about debt and you want to have, It's very stupid. If you don't care about debt and you want to have a doctor in front of your name, get a PhD in philosophy. And I'm not saying this as like, oh, the liberal arts are easy. Because no, a PhD in history is hard. A PhD in sociology is hard.

A PhD in psychology is a difficult thing to sociology is hard phd in psychology is like a difficult thing to get a phd in philosophy is like not real anyway that's what i wanted to do and yeah i kind of have my phd in um being real with my phd in street knowledge yeah i actually have a fucking phd in blowjobs so i got a phd i got a phd from hard knocks dude i love the people you go to high school with that like pop out like six kids and all their pictures on facebook are like from the neck up and or their truck and you without fail you go to their education it's like hard knocks university or like the streets the streets yeah i used to i used to just i didn't watch spongebob growing up so i just thought all my black friends worked at

the crabby petty i had no idea why well good for them it's kind of young to have a job, but whatever. Some of them still do. It's been like 15 years. Some of them are like 33 years. Yeah. Yeah, I got a buddy who works at the Krabby Patty. I got a buddy who works at the Krabby Patty.

He's in prison right now, but he's still on the ground. You're like a 15, 16-year- year old kid and you're like man i gotta really i've been i gotta start getting a job soon i know a lot of my friends work at the krabby patty really i don't even i've never even seen it i have i keep googling fort worth krabby patty nothing keeps coming up yeah dude there's a lot of shit that i just kind of never really caught like the other day it's i don't feel necessarily old i just feel like stupid sometimes yeah the other day i asked my girlfriend if kirby was a pokemon or i said kirby was a pokemon really confidently because i tried to say it as like a fact about whatever she was talking about she's like kirby's not a Pokemon. He's just Kirby. And I was like, yeah, what the fuck does that mean?

What is that? How can he just be Kirby? Japan has so many standalone characters that make no fucking sense at all. Yeah, he's like a pink amorphous. Like Hello Kitty isn't even part of a show. I thought she was like part of, I don't know, Power Rangers or whatever the fuck. Yeah. I don't know man

i remember so my mom wasn't really she was strict about certain things like music but she let me play yugioh growing up um i guess i don't know when i was younger like she wouldn't let me listen to like eminem or kid rock but uh she let me play Yu-Gi-Oh and shit and uh but I was still like in church with her and like a lot of my friends that I didn't know from school like I knew from church I remember telling one kid about Yu-Gi-Oh and I guess I encountered like a version of you he was like what's that and I was like oh it's like this card game and there's monsters on it and there's magic cards and he was was like, I'm not allowed. Like just just straight up, like wouldn't even let me.

I was like, there's dragons. There's a magician. He's dark. And then there's he's got a wife named Dark Magician Girl. And there's a lizard. And then there's a month. He's like, no, my parents. I'm not allowed to look at that stuff.

Like, OK, what are you like really insulated kids it i guess it does like you've told me it's like for a long time you just like didn't understand pop culture like up until you were you i think you were like up until you were in like high school you just like didn't know what shit was yeah. Yeah, it's like now I have a general idea, and it's been long enough to where it's, like, not an issue in my daily life, you know. And I kind of, it's not like I haven't been watching TV or anything. Sure, sure, sure, yeah. But I still, yeah, still people will make references, like, you won't remember this, you won't have a good childhood. And also your dad beat you if you didn't listen to this.

I'm like, I just didn't, I just didn't see it, man. It wasn't like I was in a cave or whatever. Yeah. I feel like I had a pretty good childhood. As far as those go, you know. I like the ones that are like, I'll see them on Instagram or Twitter every now and then. It's like every black household had the cup and it's like a blue plastic cup that i had and it's just a cup that walmart sold

and everybody yeah yeah you know what i've seen is like every black household had this had the had the the big tupperware bowl and it's, every black mom was making this and it was just like instant lemonade. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. And I like, there's a part of me that's like, damn,

do I get the pass? You know? And then there's the other part of it. It's like, no, I think everybody was just poor. I got it. Like,

I don't, every black mom used to make Mac and cheese after school. You know, you know, I saw, I saw him in the other day and it was like, uh, you know,

you're black if you keep your bread in the fridge yeah i just i mean maybe but yeah i don't eat bread that fast and it goes bad fast so i uh there was um like the wash rag thing it's like black folk no gotta be using that wash rag as white. And I was like, I don't use one anymore because I don't like to keep a wet rag. But I growing up like my my meemaw was like, you're not clean if you don't use a wash rag. She called it a wash rag, which like used to piss me the fuck off because I don't know. To this day, she's dead and gone. Been dead a couple of years. But I don't know, three years. i don't know like to this day she's dead and gone been dead a couple years but uh i don't know three years i don't fucking know do you use bar soap or body wash

use body wash man bar soaps nasty dude it's not easy bar soap nowadays you're fucked up dude i take showers it's so messy it takes so long that's weird so uh yeah let me let me clarify that real quick um so i don't i rub my hands on the bar of soap a little bit and then i rub i lather in my hands and then i get a specific area of my body clean usually like a foot and then like a shin maybe at a time. We're talking about that much and then I go back and do that over and over again.

Okay. It takes a long time. I don't like rubbing the bar against my body. Even if it's just me using the bar. I do the exact opposite. So what I'll do is I get in the shower. I'll lay exact opposite. So what I'll do is I get in the shower. I'll lay on the floor for like, I don't know, a few minutes.

Then I get up and then I get a handful of body wash. I do this. I rub it on my ass, my dick and balls, my underarms, my belly and my chest. Then I get like the top of my legs. And then that's basically it. And I just stand under the water. And that's pretty much it. You don't,

I don't really have to. You wash your face in the shower? I wash, like I get out and I did, I have like a, I have like a, like a face wash that I use or whatever. Okay. All right.

You know what I mean? Well, see, I know what you mean. I just think it's easier to wash your face in the shower. I feel like I get in there in the shower. Yeah. I'm not saying... I'm not saying it's weird to wash your face in the sink. No, I don't. Here's the thing. I'm not actually saying that I'm right.

In fact, I own up to the fact that I kind of lived a decent portion of my teenage and adult life just not bathing. I was definitely one of those guys. I bathed, but not with regularity. I didn't brush my teeth either just kind of like what no you keep going i made a weird noise i don't even know what i was gonna say i just kind of let's start you but yeah go ahead but jay but jay hey i just you just come you just came back and you were out for like a full minute my My shit crashed. You hear me now? Yeah.

Did you pause your audacity? No, I assumed you were talking. Yeah, I was talking. It didn't matter. I was just talking about how I was a nasty, stinky fucking piece of shit. And not for any reason to be cool. Mostly just because I didn't give a fuck. It was gross. Do you know where yours crashed?

I can cut back to that point. Oh, I'm still recording. I figure we can just keep her going. Okay, well, I just stopped because I thought you stopped. Are you going to be able to... I didn't stop. Are you going to be able to piece this together? Three, two, one.

All right, I started again. It's fine. Are you going to be able to piece this together yeah i'll figure it out okay is it 25 thomas it was at 25 30 ish 25 30 ish thomas you figure it out thomas you you get it thomas fuck you future thomas suck on me. Future Thomas, suck my dick and do your taxes. Yeah, I did mine. And my taxes got accepted by the IRS, which was a big fucking relief for old daddy. Oh, you don't got to pay that sum? Yeah, well, I had to pay a pretty decent chunk of change, but not as chunky as I thought.

It ended up being slim thick but it wasn't okay it wasn't okay it wasn't a big bitch like i thought it was gonna be uh yeah i you know it started to tell me i was gonna have some money i said hey how about we save this and come back to it later yeah i did that because i for a long for a while basically since february or january i was like For a while, basically since January, I was like, I did my shit, and it was like, you owe $8,742. And I was like, I don't like that answer. That seems really— I was like, how about we come back when you've got a better attitude? Just treating TurboTax like an ex-girlfriend.

How about we—you seem to be really upset. We can continue this conversation when you want to act like an adult. Yeah. Whenever I had to fill out a business business owner form and it was like uh well we can just take out 100 bucks out of your return that you're getting and i was like oh yeah for sure yeah 100 bucks that i'm getting getting back yeah you can take out of that for sure paying fucking like 80 just to fill out a form i'm like dude you have the fucking pdf give me the pdf fuck you it goes without saying and i'm gonna say it anyway but uh it's like it taxes are not they're not supposed to be that complicated

i don't know like i had to get mark to help me today again for like the fourth time and he and he was like hey brother how you doing i fuck man i really appreciate your fucking kindness here big dog um let's you know let's get this going yeah we should buy him a new car yeah we should uh i should give him a used car we should get him like a 2003 hyundai sonata he has his own firm and like a lot of money i'm pretty sure a millionaire and we're like yeah yeah yeah we got you a bicycle we didn't want you having to fucking walk to work every day and he was like why did you guys think i was walking to work every day i went to his office to get our shit sorted the other day and he had like 15 bottles of like 500, $500 scotch

just kind of around, you know? And just buying him, like, a six-pack of Lone Star Tallboys, but you drink three of them and just giving him... They're still connected to the plastic thing, so there's just, like, three empty rings. We're like, hey, man, you've really done us so many solids. Like... Hey, man, I drank these on the way here. I figured, you know yeah yeah

you deserve it and also i knew you'd like this uh we're actually having some prostitutes sent over yeah having some sex workers take your way uh they will be paraded through the lobby so everybody knows how good of an accountant you are i hope that you are not married and if you are i hope that you do not like your wife because as it stands they are in the parking lot now and uh you say that like like like like like women who do that sort of work are just like like like minions or something like they would would just be causing havoc in the parking lot for some reason. Like just can't be left unattended. It's just women who have had a terrible go at life.

And we're like, I'm like, we're sending your way. Yeah, yeah, you're getting the C getting the c team today mr brother uh i don't i'm gonna try to turn the camera on because i think what was happening was is that uh i was trying to upload those files the same time that we were talking and my computer doesn't like to do work in fact my computer is is a nice extension of myself insofar as it doesn't like to do work. In fact, a computer is a nice extension of myself insofar as it doesn't like to do, it must do things. I must work. It's just sort of who I am. I must, I have to. I'm like, you know, if I don't, I get, I become broken. But I don't work well, and I don't like to do anything. I feel like inside me are two wolves.

One is a wolf that wants to be not overwhelmingly successful, but just comfortable. And then there's another wolf that's like, dude, you didn't so we don't got to do anything you were happy well you weren't happy but you were kind of you know what i'm saying like i don't i hate doing stuff but i have to i don't like being a guy that has to do shit the coolest thing in the world from i think you you one time you were like the what did you say you were like yeah yeah, the thing my friend Jake needs the most is more alone time, is more free time. The thing that my friend, my co-host Jake needs

is just idle time to sit alone and be alone with his own head. God damn it. Yeah, you know, at the end of the day doing things kind of makes you a bitch yeah and a lot of the people who are doing cool ass shit are actually hoes for it yeah no 100% anybody most baller thing you can do is just kind of sit on your ass and let your family struggle yeah any podcast that that makes less money than me i'm saying prayers for you i give you the big homie nod on twitter and when i when you come up on my timeline i'm like there's that homie right there he's he's shining one day he's gonna make it in any podcast that makes more money than me i'm reporting you to

the irs that's basically how it goes for a guy like me. If you make exactly the same as much as we do, hey, you're my partner in crime, brother, but a cent under or a cent over, I look at you with disgust and disrespect. Do you think Speak. Do you think...

Speak. You know, I'm a man who contemplates a lot. You don't contemplate. You contemplate. Because... The only contemplation you've ever played is whenever you put a contemplation on a plate and you eat it. And it's full of cum. That's that's why you're yeah that's true i tried socrates once said a man who says a bunch of shit without thinking about it he stupidest that and the you can do is think about saying something

on a program that you put out that people listen to to hear you talk and then your mind mid-sentence and then you're just putting out silence yeah go to see what you are saying

because you say things several times a week. You're saying things all the time. It's your job, in a way. It's the only form of income you have at the moment, is saying things. You're styling all day. You don't say anything.

You don't talk to anybody, really. You get on your podcast with your friend, who you talk to, normally you get on, you get on, uh, you know, your podcast with your friend, but you talk to, normally you talk to, and then, uh, well, you go to say something and you think,

um, you know, uh, you know, uh, yeah. You get, you ever,

uh, you've been falling asleep at the wheel recently, Jake. You said you were uh said that was happening to you yeah well uh jokes aside it was there for a little bit um pretty frequently uh you know there's like a bunch of shit that starts happening to you um and i'm sure you've had this thought a couple of things happen to you where you're like I feel like I'm becoming a real piece of shit again like I feel like a like there's a there's a little bit of it and then when you start to notice like for me it's like four things and they're not specific

they could be anything but one of them is falling asleep at the wheel. If I start doing that, like, if it happens once in a year, I feel like everybody gets a freebie in that regard. But it was happening, I think, like once a week. And this is a while back, not recently. Or I don't know. I guess it depends on what you define as recent. Like, what parameters are you setting for that? But it was definitely last year.

Yeah, I fall asleep with the wheel. I fall asleep with the wheel pretty often, you know. Yeah. I think that a powerhouse like myself, you know, is sort of a Clydesdale, a workhorse. I should be allowed to sleep

on the freeway when my car's moving and I'm operating it you know a guy like me needs a shut eye you know what I'm saying I don't agree with that at all I think you belong in prison or something like that

if I saw say an elderly woman asleep in her car I don't care if it's moving or not I don't care if it's moving or not. I don't care if she's in a parking lot. I'm going over there and I'm tearing her out of the vehicle and I'm stealing it. You're doing a citizen's arrest.

Yeah, I'm doing a citizen's arrest of her 2012 Buick. I really think... People can't just... You can't just sleep in a car. Yeah, if you're homeless... Yeah, dude. Hom know people can't just you can't just sleep in a car you know yeah if you're homeless people yeah dude homeless people don't get a pass either yeah because a lot of them privilege from homelessness in a way that we we don't feel comfortable talking about yeah they

don't have to pay taxes homeless guys get to eat more hot dogs than anybody yeah they don't pay taxes they get to have cigarettes for free they find on the ground um they get to drink soda all the time and they don't have bedtime they get to drink beer outside like they get to just do whatever the fuck they can i mean i guess they're not allowed to jack off outside but i feel like it's kind of one of those things squatters rights yeah squatters rights uh if you're outside for long enough, you get to jack off out there. Yeah, I feel like if you're outdoors homeless and not squatting homeless, if you get to do that for five years, you should be able to whack it wherever you please.

Yeah, also squatting homeless is like barely homeless. You just have less air conditioning. Yeah, dude, I knew a guy. Okay, this was 2014 or 15 i don't remember this is a while back um this happened several times uh i would meet somebody in like the music scene typically this was in the music scene and they would like they i would believe them they they passed themselves off and i believed it and other people did up until a point that they were like vagabonds in a way and it was a cool thing to be and specifically in that music

scene of like i guess you know punk or whatever and you know it's cool and uh and there was one guy that was like he always made it a point to bring it up in conversation. It's like, yeah, I'm squatting right now. It's kind of tough, but, you know, I'm trying to make this music thing work. And, you know, I really can't afford rent, so I'm squatting. Everybody would be like, oh, that's, you know, that's tough, man. And, you know, we'd buy him beer and I'd buy him a pack of cigarettes every now and then. I was broke, but, hey, I wasn't squatting broke, you know what I mean?

And I got an apartment, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. You know, he always wore like raggedy clothes and played a good bass guitar. And, you know, he's like, this is all I got, me and my bass. And I'm just, I'm in a house, you know, just fucking. And he never really told us much about the house or where it was. But I didn't ask, you know, there's a squatter. He's a squatter. Well, I guess like a year into knowing the guy, uh, we played a couple of gigs, you know, and, uh, he like, isn't around much anymore.

And I'm like, Oh, whatever happened to so. And so, uh, I was like, Oh, you know, he got like, ran off. He ended up being like, not a good person. And I was like, Oh, like, what does that mean? You know, he went anyway. You're like, Oh, he did this and that. And I was like, Oh, you know, he got like ran off. He ended up being like not a good person. I was like, oh, what does that mean? You know, I want anyway. Like, oh, he did this and that. And I was like, oh, that's bad. Like, oh, also the squatting thing.

And I was like, oh, yeah, yeah. He told me he was like squatting in a house somewhere, maybe like North Austin. They're like, no, he was living in a rent free at his girlfriend's parents house. Like they had a second house. That's awesome. He like it. They were like his girlfriend was like, like not money, but their family was money. And she lived at this house that they owned.

And they had broken up, and she had moved out. But he just stayed there. And I never saw pictures of the house, but it was described to me like it's not a nice place, but it's a plate. It's like a house. It's not like it's got AC. It's got power. Like the bills were all being paid by the because they were trying to get it. Like, I guess they were trying to get it rented out.

So maybe technically he was squatting. But, yeah, he was just living at this girl's parents place, like their second home or whatever. Like they were landlords or whatever. So, you know, I guess he was kind of sticking it to the man. But yeah, they were like, oh, yeah, he was living in one man. Really? Yeah. Just his could have been father in law. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, it's funny to like you. We fill in the I felt I filled in the blanks. He's like, I'm squatting, man. It's tough. And I'm like, oh, this dude's living in a fucking row home. Like this guy's living in a in my head. It was like a dilapidated, boarded up trap house kind of deal. Yeah. You know, and and then come to find out it was just like in West Austin, like in a neighborhood that like I had been through before to like play a house show. It's just I was like, God damn, man, that I had been through before to play a house show.

I was like, God damn, man. I don't think it's cool, the other stuff, I guess, that you were accused of. What did he do? He was just kind of a sneaky guy. Okay, that's fine. He was kind of like a swipe or no swiping type Dora the Explorer guy.

Oh, okay. Yeah, maybe that's not good. No, it wasn't like anything crazy. I think he literally just was like a klepto. Like, I didn't... Oh, I thought you meant like... No, he wasn't like a sex pest. I think he was just like...

Yeah, I thought you were like doing a really weird analogy for rape. Yeah, I was like, yeah, swipe or no swiping, I guess that's, yeah, it's a really lighthearted way to put it. But yeah, it's not good. No, no, he like, I mean, I don't know. Like he, things fell apart. I don't, I don't know the guy. I haven't heard from him since that era of my life. But like, dude, let's, let's drop his new address.

Yeah, he's living with me. new address yeah he's living at my house yeah he's living with me uh no i i think he just would like get barred out and like steal shit from people's houses that's not a crime that's fine let the man live uh dude did i tell you about the guy uh uh my uh so for a long time my house in austin was just like a place where my friends from from Houston would come and crash for like an indefinite amount of time to just party. Like they were like, hey, I just got laid off or I got fired and I want to come up there. I want to crash your couch. We get drunk. And I'm like, hey, man, fucking more than merrier. We're always throwing parties here. It's one big party. We all get fucked up all day, whatever. And. One of those guys, he brought he was like, hey like, hey, my friend Luke's coming or whatever.

And I was like, oh, okay. Like, I don't give a fuck. And he was like, hey, I just want to let you know, Luke's got kind of like a benzo thing. I was like, we're all hooked on pills at this house. It doesn't matter. He's like, oh, cool, man. Well, whatever, you know. That's cool.

If that's cool with you. And I was like, hey, as as long as whatever and they get there we're drinking smoking snorting that shit popping pills and having a good time and it's like a party and the guy comes up to me he's like hey man you know it's luke i was like hey you know we met earlier i think we're just all kind of fucked up he's like hey man i just want to square something away with you real quick before the night gets going and I was like in my head I was like what the fuck like what's going on and he was like dude I get hella barred out on zans and k-pins and I steal shit he's like in the morning you need to ask me to empty my backpack out and my pockets too and I was like for real and he was like yeah dude I'm letting you know because I don't like that I do that. But I fucking do that shit like a lot.

That's awesome. And we were like, oh, okay. And sure enough, the next morning, I'm like, hey, Luke, remember that thing you told me? And he was like, no. And I was like, you told me you get kind of klepto-y when you take Xans,in he's like oh yeah for sure that's that's yeah yeah i do do that i was like would you mind like emptying your backpack i'm not trying to be a dick i just you told me you know i don't want to accuse you or nothing and he was like nah man it's a good idea like he was very it was probably he was probably one of the coolest drug addicts i've ever met because i definitely knew guys that would

do that shit and not tell anybody you know what i'm saying they would just yeah no they just kind of like fucking they'd show up at like 1 30 yeah hey just take all the liquor that was left over as people like started to yeah it was off oh i i was an alcohol i was that i stole alcohol for sure i would go to house parties that i was invited to. Yeah, I did that, too. But, you know, it doesn't mean it's good. It's fine. It's fine. No, dude, the funniest move you can do is bringing, like,

if you bring a big case of beer to a party, but you've already drank most of it, and then you just put more beers in the case, and then leave, and it's like, oh, you just put more beers in the case. Yep. And then leave and it's like, oh, he's taking the beer that he brought. Yeah, yeah, that's a classic one. Dude, oldest trick in the book. Dude, we used to steal like 60 beers a night. Uh-huh, yeah, I did that one and I also, I would,

I had a coat that I got from a thrift store that was this like, it was a pretty cool like old denim barn jacket. I lost it. It was one of my favorite coats. Anyway, it was loaded. It was from, like, the 60s or 70s. And it was, like, one of those old jackets that had, like, 80 pockets but inside. Yeah.

And so I would just, like, Inspector Gadget, but the alcoholic version. Like, I would go to parties that I didn't want to be to. I didn't care about partying. And I would go get, like, all of the the bottles and i would put them in my coat then i would get as many beers as i could stuff in my jacket and then i would like go outside smoke a cigarette and it was a big coat and at the time i was like a like kind of just like a lanky kid so it was like oh whatever you know i didn't i just got a big coat on. I look like fucking David Byrne from Talking Heads. And I was like, hey, man, I'm not really feeling it tonight. Like, oh, dude, you going to bail?

And I'm like, yeah, for sure, man. And they're like, oh, it's early, bro. Like, come on, man. And I'm like, nah, dude, I got to study. You know, I got to go to work tomorrow. And they're like, man, I feel you, bro. Hey, be easy, all right? And I'm like, yes, sir.

These would be people that I was friends with. But, like, these would be people that I, man, I feel you, bro. Hey, be easy, alright? I'm like, yes, sir. These would be people that I was friends with, but, like, these would be people that I, like, that I hung out with, and I would just, yeah, like, get in my car, and I'm like, damn, I really, I got away with that. And it's like, you just took alcohol from your friend's house. Like, that's, like, you didn't, you didn't do anything

cool. Like, I didn't, to me, it was like Ocean's Eleven, you know what I'm saying? But, uh, in reality, i was just kind of like just a loser but to me that's fine no no that's not true electronics like if you're stealing like ipods and shit and iphones like that's kind of scummy but if you're stealing beer to me beer doesn't cost any money if I steal it. Or if I used to. You know what I mean? Like it's not it didn't

come out of my bank account so it's not real. You ever take a half a Lortab and steal somebody's kidney? What'd you say? I didn't say anything. I didn't say a damn thing. I didn't say a goddamn thing't say a damn thing I didn't say a goddamn thing You know it

Have you ever I mean We used We used to We used to go to nursing homes And we'd steal wheelchairs Out of there And we'd kill all the old people

There too That's awesome man Did you ever feel bad About doing that type of stuff? Nah I didn't really give a fuck, honestly, because whenever you smoke a lot of weed like we did, you know, you don't care about people's lives. Just talk about weed like you were a heroin addict.

No, man, we used to smoke hella weed. When you smoke a blunt, you start getting ready to kill a motherfucker. Nah, man, you ever share a joint with six other dudes? And then you get ready to rob. And then you go fucking grab a then you get ready to run you go fucking grab you just go grab a gun get ready to kill a hundred people that's what we would do we just kill thousands of people man i remember when i was in sixth grade we killed yeah every person in uh in our hometown. It was just a bunch of 6th grade

boys and one big tumbleweed blowing around. It was like Attila the Hun fucking biography. Man, I remember in 6th grade, bro, when they let me become fucking mayor dog, I killed everybody, dude. Yeah, I remember when I killed my whole village

with a fucking sword. You're like they for whatever reason historian hires you to write the Genghis K yeah bro they should have never let my ass become Mongol Lord bro they someday I'm gonna be I'm gonna be preaching to my grandkids I'm gonna be like back in my day we had to walk six miles uphill just to shoot up a school. Now you could just Uber over there and get it done. No, we'd be sweaty by the time we got there.

Our hands were already shaking. Feet swollen. You shoot up the school, you don't even got energy to walk home. Now your mama drops you off in the Tesla and you don't even have to worry about it. Tesla drives you. We had to have a getaway donkey ready. Growing up, if you wanted to shoot up the school, you had to reload 300 times.

And that would take about six hours, which is also about how long it would take for the sheriff to get there with his one deputy on horseback the sheriff was named Big Jim and the deputy was named Lil Jam Yeah. Yes, sir. Girl, now all our kids make money off of Fortnite and Bitcoin. Growing up, if you wanted to make $5, you had to kill a horse with a saber.

Civil War saber. And you'd have to gut it seppuku style wow grandpa thanks for all the stories grandpa you you kids you stupid kids grandpa i hate you and now i'm gonna kill you Kill Bill noises AYAAA! AYAAA! AYAAA! AYAAA! AYAAA! AYAAA! Like the fucking... The sword maker from Kill Bill

that's like, AYAAA! Yeah. That's awesome. I wonder what kind of... It's Han Solo's deal. Oh, my God. Oh, man.

I wonder what kind of grandparents we're going to be. You ever think about... I try not to think about it too much. I think a lot about the passage of time and how it's going to slowly erode me away. Yeah, you just kind of become a way more man i once was but i'll be so much wiser won't that be nice is it nice to be wise i don't think so because i remember asking my grandfather like what's it like to be like fucking old he was

like i stopped aging around mentally i think 20 something. And then your body just kind of falls apart. And I was like, oh, that's awesome. I think I'll kill myself. Like, oh, that's cool. You know what I mean? He was like, you know, you know, he was like, it's cool to like know stuff, but like you can know stuff and not be like 100 years old or whatever. I was like, thanks, granddad. That makes me feel awesome.

Fucking the passage of time. Baby. Yeah, I mean, I think, I do think I'll have some sort of power by the time I get old. You know what I mean? Well, I do think being old grants you like a, like you just, like you just kind of fucking. like you just like you just kind of fucking no one's asking anything of an old man you know I mean like you think you'll ever mentally get good fucking at some point it's gonna be funny to be 70 and you're like, eh, I don't know. I mean, it happened. You know, it happens sometimes.

You're trying to give your son the talk, you know? Like, your son's like 13 or 14. Son, you know, it's a beautiful thing that happens every once in a while. Like, once every... You know, and you just sort of roll with it. Five months. It really happens to you more than from anything you do yeah and you just sort of try not to fuck up really uh

you know when when a guy when i just i just want to know where where babies come from he's like shut up when a man and a woman really love each other, they DM each other on the internet. And then they kind of like text for a little bit. And then they go to like hang out or whatever. And then, you know, one of them cancels a bunch. And then the other one like moves to a different state. And then that happens like five times until one of it sticks. You know what I mean, son?

Now, son, you probably think that smoking a cigarette before will make your dick harder. This is not true. So I was like, why would I think that? I thought cigarettes were bad cigarettes are bad but you're probably gonna smoke them anyway everybody does for a while son you're gonna uh son why do you think the lifespan of a human in the u.s has been the same pretty much for like 60 years. Because we kind of gave up. Gave up on ourselves. You're going to give up

on yourself someday, but not yet. For now, we're going to try and get you some pussy. And the kid's like, I'm 12 years old. I don't think I want that yet. I want to get married. You don't want that.

I'm going to live through you. Crawl in your body. Make your choices for you. You're going to get me out of this cruel game. I don't know if I heard any of that, but I'm going to assume it was awesome. It's okay. It wasn't, but it's all right. I made it work.

I didn't know that you would cut out. And I thought, I'm not trying to do a monologue here. Trying to riff, and I'm waiting to see if Jake is going to tag team in. So I started doing all these awkward pauses that made it seem like I was building momentum. But I wasn't. I had no plan. I really was, as they say hit nothing but singles yeah i'm i'm sorry you have to put this one together it should be fun it's all right you know it won't be the first

time i've put something really fucked up together i don't know if i told you i used to be a baby surgeon yeah you told me that you used to do lots of stuff like that yeah we used to i used to put babies back together how did that how did you get fired from that job well see we we only had uh i worked at a hospital that only did c-sections we didn't know how to do normal births didn't matter what the woman's body was doing it didn't matter if the baby was almost out we'd shove it right back in and we'd do a c-section what we liked doing and we only had we only had one pair of scissors for the c-section everybody had to share them it was a big pair of fabric scissors

like the type you'd use for a ribbon cutting ceremony right and. And, uh, well, one day the scissors were getting dull and I just fucking, you know, I, I decided, you know what, I'm just going to push this baby out regular style. Uh huh. And I did.

And the baby, unfortunately was born perfectly healthy. So you got fired. And I, I was fired on the spot. It was the first safe birth in that hospital's history. And their record was completely tainted you were working at uh saint devil's hospital is that right saint devil's yeah yeah

that's right you were the head baby baby destroyer at saint devil's yeah it was uh it was it was a hospital in mississippi that's right and we used to we'd also do pool births, but we'd make the, we'd fill up the pool with canola oil to push the baby out. Because in the deep south, if you really want the babies to come out for those home births, you can't put water in there. People don't drink water there. Right, right, right. You got to put, you know, peanut oil, canola oil. Dr. Pepper. Yeah, Dr. Pepper's a good one.

Big Red. And those babies will come swimming out. Yeah, yeah. You put a little, if you do, and those babies will come swimming out. Yeah, yeah. You put a little, if you do water, make sure you pour some pollutants in there. Maybe some river water or just some oil is fine. Just motor oil. And those babies will come scrambling out to drink that. For sure.

Those clumps. Yeah. Yeah, it's a hard business you know it's hard enough if you do have a degree you know if you dropped out of high school it's way harder to be a doctor but well it's saint devil's don't they let anybody do it yeah they let anybody as long as you don't have a degree yeah and you have to have a felony right you're like two you have to sign a yeah you have to sign a release saying that you fucking hate babies you hate life in general anything you think every woman who's pregnant is a whore anybody that breathes has to go yeah that's awesome um you have to promise to to hurt the. You have to kill the dad if he's there and stuff.

You have to kill the dad. Yes. You know, I got to say, business has slowed. Yeah. You know, we were a TikTok trend for a while. TikTok voice. This hospital will kill your baby. And it's not the kind of hospital you think.

This hospital kills little babies. You know what? You know, we don't believe in abortion clinics. That's not how we were raised. We're Christian. However, we do a real sloppy job delivering the baby. And you can't sue us if it happens, but it happens a lot. Yeah.

Kids just unfortunately are born with severe hammer-related birth defects. And Lord knows it's not your fault if it happens. No guilt on your part. Yeah. But it's about $400, and that's a lot cheaper than most births. But, yeah, we'll make it happen, and you don't have to feel bad about it because we'll get you real drunk before and after Yeah

Come on down to the Brett Favre Birth clinic Come down to the St. Devil's Hospital at the Brett Favre Maternity ward Funded by the Brett Favre Mississippi Poverty Fund Foundation Dude he got away with murder on that maternity ward funded by the brett farf uh mississippi poverty fund foundation it's dude

he got away with murder on that dude i mean he didn't get away with it i guess but that's incorrect i mean yeah in terms although in terms of white guys getting away with murder in mississippi that was one of the milder cases i gotta say i guess you're getting woke on us now, huh, Thomas? Trying to teach me about CRT. I will come out strongly in favor of Mississippi murdering. Yeah, alright, brother. I'll just say it.

I'm anti-lynching. I think it's wrong. Really. And on that note... We got a little bit left. No, we don't. I have an hour 13 here. Oh, that sucks. If it's for you, right?

You got... Yeah, yeah, we got... And on that... Note. Bye.