Plumbing the Death Star - Is Shrinking Your Own Children a Crime?

Episode Date: April 30, 2017

In which our heroes leave their lab unattended, let their children shrink themselves, and then try to figure out of if they need a lawyer as we ask is shrinking your own children a crime?Check out our upcoming lives shows and purchase your tickets for the Sydney Comedy Fest and Brisbane show right here; http://www.sanspantsradio.com/live/ Want to help support the show?Sanspants+: sanspantsplus.comPatreon: patreon.com/sanspantsradioPodkeep: sanspantsradio.podkeep.comUSB Tapes: audiobooksontape.comMerch: redbubble.com/people/sanspantsradio or teepublic.com/stores/sanspantsradioWant to get in contact with us?Email: [e-mail] Twitter: twitter.com/sanspantsradio Website: sanspantsradio.comFacebook: facebook.com/SansPantsRadioReddit: reddit.com/r/sanspantsradioOr individually at;George: twitter.com/thegdimaJackson: twitter.com/AlldogsaredeadZammit: twitter.com/GoddammitZammit Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Sands Pants Radio. Everyone's talking about the bee problem, but what about the wasp problem? Before we begin, we're happy to announce a few more guests for our Sydney Comedy Fest show. As well as Zoe and Gabe, we've got Benny Davis from Axis of Awesome and Super Dragon Friends, stand-up comedian and stand-up guy Ben Alwood from Fuck Club, Simpsons comic book artist Dean Rankin, host of the smash hit show Comedians Against Humanity, Yanni Ajizulu, cosplayer and host of Kapow, Feisty Cuffs, and maybe a couple of otheries. It's going to be a couple of comedy-packed shows,

and you can grab your tickets right now over at sanspantsradio.com slash live and follow the links. I can guarantee that at least one of those nights I'll be talking at length about War Horse and what superpowers that proto-Nazi-hating horse may or may not have. So, once again, head to SandsPantsRadio dot com slash live to grab your tickets today. We also might not be able to record these ones. We're gonna try our best, but like, this might be for your eyes and ears only, we guess. Anyways, enjoy the show.

Woo! War Horse! Thank you, Adam. War Horse enthusiasm aside, one more thing. Our producer of our show is also doing these fine shows at the Sydney Comedy Fest, so go check out the worldwide smash hit Yo Mama Battle on May 3rd and 5th, Seizure Kaiser's dark comedy Kill Yourself on May 4 on May 3rd and 5th, Seizure Kaiser's dark comedy Kill Yourself on May 4th, 6th and 7th, The Bogan Philosopher on May 17th and 19th and finally, best friend of the show, George De Morelos with his show Self-Sabotage on

May 11th, 13th and 14th. Now, enjoy the show. War Horse! Yes, yes, War Horse is great. Hey everyone, and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, is shrinking your own children a crime? All right, look, there's a lot to digest with that question. So basically we're focusing on the Honey, I Shrunk trilogy. Honey, I Shrunk. So the Rick Moranis classics.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids. Honey, I Blew Up the Kids. Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves. The reason I remember that one is Honey, I Shrunk Us. No, it's definitely Us. It can't be that. So I like from the title, the implication being that shrinking another's children, definitely a crime. Shrinking one's own. Well, it's kind of like, you know, smacking your own child.

You can't smack another person's child. That's an assault. But if you smack your own child, well, potential abuse. But we as a society are like, maybe you'll teach him a lesson. Maybe he needs to be learned that. But isn't like, is shrinking your children abuse? Well, it's not. I think in a court of law, it's not. It's a gray.

I think in a court of law, it's a gray area. I feel it is gross negligence, psychological trauma. I feel it would be abuse. What if I shrunk you guys? Against my will? Just now. I clicked my fingers. I'd be mad at you.

Yeah, but would you take me to court? That's the question. I'd be mad at you. Well, actually, no. Would you take me to court? That's the question. I feel, have you unshrunk me? When you're done, I guess. The kids unshrunk themselves when Rick Moranis found them. I feel like you've got to be shrunk for about a night. That's what the kids get. Well, yeah, the kids, but they get accidentally shrunk.

It's not like Rick Moranis is like, boo, you're little now, cop it. So I feel, again, it all depends on intent. I feel it should be a crime. From my memory, a kid hits a baseball through the window and it sets off the shrinker. It's entirely accidental. So what are we calling it?

Manslaughter? Man shrinking. Like if it's an accident. It's an accidental shrinking. But like, I still feel that Rick Moranis or Wayne Skolinski. Skolinski? Skolinski. He should definitely be charged with something.

Yeah, but what? Gross neglect. Whoops, did a shrink. Yeah. Gross neglect, in brackets, whoops, did a shrink. It was entirely coincidental the way it went around. He had that machine up in the attic away from the children. He knew nothing was going to go wrong.

He didn't think anything was going to go wrong. It was happenstance. I wouldn't put that man in jail i'd find i would have a lot of problems with what's going on because the whole thing with laboratories is they're usually kept away from places so that if something goes wrong no one's affected yeah except for maybe the people that are working on it but then they know the risks the cleanliness of rick moranis is not on trial also look did he because he was was he, what was his intent with this machine? He intended to shrink. He was trying to shrink an apple from memory.

It was to shrink garbage, I think. Yeah. That's right. A noble cause. I agree. Now, let's just take a gun. Okay? Just an average, run-of-the-mill handgun.

A basic gun. Yep. Okay? So if I have one to protect my family, I need to put that in a safe so that no one can go in there and access it. And I feel a shrink ray should fall under the same kind of umbrella of be a responsible shrink ray owner. The right to bear arms.

The right to bear shrink rays. Are you arguing the second? Yeah. I plead the second. Wasn't it? It was locked away in his attic though. But that's not a safe. Also, it's close enough to the window that when a baseball gets hit through it, it sets it off. Yeah, so I feel it'd be the

exact same situation where I'm saying you were an irresponsible shrink ray owner and you should be charged not as like, you know, because it didn't should be charged not as like you know because they didn't do as much damage as like hey a handgun yeah but it did shrink your children and some of the neighbor's children and they had a trauma ah he did shrink the neighbor's children yeah that's straight up so whilst your intent wasn't there for them to be to use it you did not take proper precautions to secure

your shrink ray that it wasn't accessible to minors or the general public I feel like in a court of law summit you've presented a very good argument thank you Jackson you were very succinct, it was good but I think I'd argue that just even owning a shrink ray

is basically negligence. If you have a shrink ray in your house anywhere, anywhere in your house, you're inviting child drinking into your home. Not at all. Hey, I believe in the right to own a shrink ray. If I have a large hadron collider in my basement, that's negligence. That should be in a lab. A large hadron collider. Uh-huh. In my basement.

That's negligent. That should be in a lab. It depends what this is doing, because again, it's a shrink ray, so the potential there for harm isn't exactly that great. Well, I mean, like, if those children had not run outside and fought ants. Yes. They just stayed inside and waited and called the proper... And the ants came to them. No, they had to run outside, because they were almost getting swept up.

Yeah, vacuum cleaner and shit. You just go in the vacuum cleaner and wait until you're empty. You'd die. You'd be dead. You would not die going souped up a vacuum cleaner. It's a vacuum.

It'd bruise you. It's a vacuum. No. Isn't a vacuum that kind of spins and shit? No, it doesn't matter. It's a vacuum. There's no air in a vacuum. What?

Excuse me? No, like, isn't the sock... No, no, no. No, no, let's talk because... Hang on. Wow. There's air in a vacuum cleaner, No, Mike, is it the suck? No, no, no. No, no, let's talk because... Hang on. Wow.

There's air in a vacuum cleaner, but if you're being sucked by a vacuum, there's no air. They will suffocate. There is. There's definitely air in a vacuum. There's air. There's not air in a vacuum, but a vacuum cleaner is not a vacuum.

No. You would die from being knocked around the tube, but you wouldn't die from suffocation. Yeah, you would. If you're caught in a fucking tornado, you don't suffocate. You might. My God. You idiot.

Like, did you think that, like, oh, there's no air in a vacuum. Oh, yeah, vacuum cleaner. No. Like, I get it. I get that one might assume that a vacuum cleaner used a vacuum to vacuum. No, no, no. Nothing to do with a vacuum is space. Sure.

Yes. Then I could forgive you a little bit. No, and I'm well aware that in a bag of a vacuum cleaner. Even the tube, when it's going, there is air. But it's air being constantly moved. The air is the point. I understand that. I'm arguing that if you were a little particle,

there would be no oxygen. You're not a little particle. You're like this big. What? No, you're like that big. You've got to fight an ant. Still, you're getting... What?

There are ants that like that big You gotta fight an ant Still You're getting I still don't There are ants That are that big And they have oxygen And also You vacuum up Ants They're not dead They're living in the vacuum cleaner Do you think that the littler

You get the less air there is? No It was more about the suction Like you know Like I didn't know this But if you vacuum up Say

A spider Yeah If you are terrified of one, it can then crawl out of said vacuum cleaner. Yeah, they live in there. The amount of times I vacuum up a spider and then go on to empty the bag that is in it, and the spider's just like...

You're like, ah, Jesus. Same for us. So yeah, same for us. We'd get caught by that spider. God, that's scary. You land in like... Oh, Jesus. The fucking fluff and lint.

You're like, okay, we can just ride it out. Then a spider flies up the pipe toward you. And then like fucking like in Australia, they're like, oh, redbacks. Oh, God, you're one of them fuckers. Well, here's my question. So say I shrink my kids. Say, honey, I shrink my kids. All right, hon.

So what happened, honey? I shrink my kids. God. And then my kids get eaten by a centipede Yes What a terrible way to die I hate it Where does my guilt fall? Has that gone from man shrinking to man slaughter?

Did you take reasonable precautions to lock up your shrinkery? Say I did. Then I think that is an accident that is very traumatic. How would you find out? Oh, my God. You never would. Your child went missing. What?

Your child went missing. You'd never know. And then you'd look at your shrink ray and you'd be like, no. No, it couldn't be. I locked it up. No way my child got shrink ray. And then you're like, no, but I locked it in the your shrink ray and you'd be like, no. No, it couldn't be. I locked it up. No way my child got shrink ray. And then you're like, no, but I locked it in the safe and now it's here. Oh, no.

Imagine this. That happens. One day you're cleaning the attic five years later. You're cleaning a spider web and you're like, what's this? Falls to the ground. Spider web cocoon opens. Your little baby boy. It's your little baby boy.

It's your little baby Jackson. Yeah. You squish him. Vacuum him up. Don't tell the wife. The perfect crime. That bug certainly looked like my missing child. Although, to be honest, if I had a shrink ray, what a good way.

I mean, not me specifically. I don't want to murder, but. It's a good way to get rid of a murder. It's a good way to get rid of a body. Any evidence. Just shrink it. Cops are after you. Shrink them.

Shrink everyone. I can shrink the world, mate. Imagine this. Rob a bank. Shrink the money. Shrink the money. Blow the money up. Steal a bullion.

Blow the money up. So steal some bullions. Shrink them. Expand them to bigger than they were. Extra money because gold is by weight. Now I'm talking cents again. Now you're back on the money. Maybe you don't know so much about vacuums, but gold.

You know you're gold. I had a real dumb laugh there. I like the idea of like, see, you blow up the money, so you get this giant $5 note. Why? People are going to assume it's a fake. It's a big $5 note. It's four times the size, $20. Easy.

That's how money works I feel like if I worked at a store and you gave me a massive $5 note I'd just take it Because I'm like, that's novel Wear it as a cape I'll have that So yeah, if you're If I shrink my child and my child gets eaten by a centipede

Again, I think it all comes down to How did, like, legally In terms of legality It's how precautious were you of locking up and keeping... So if I'm very precautious, if I keep my shrink ray up in my attic, no child is allowed in, no child is allowed out. The question there for me... What? We'll pass over that. The question there for me is how did the child access their shrink ray?

Well, they got in. They're sneaky. But how? Like, did they find the combination? Did they... Yeah, maybe they figured out the combination. Say they figured out the combination. the shrink ray? They got in. They're sneaky. But how? Did they find the combination? Yeah, maybe they figured out the combination. Say they figured out the combination, just hypothetically. They got into my room, accidentally activated the shrink ray. Frank, centipede

got them. Alright, so for me, it'd be looking at percentages of potential, like, how much was your fault? How much was the centipede's fault? How much was the centipede's fault? Weirdly. Or like an accident. Is it 80% an accident? I guess it's like being ma was the centipede weirdly or like nate like an accident so like yeah like is it 80 i guess it's like being mauled by a bear it's like 10 your you know maybe you didn't take enough precautions like how did they find out the code for the safe yeah i mean

like how did they get that i suppose it's about it'd be about trying to work out exactly in a court of law it's child endangerment that's crime. But not if you're taking the necessary precautions is what I'm talking about. Yeah, true, true, true. Again, it's exactly like having a gun in the house. If you're taking the necessary precautions to prevent that your child can access that, then I would say that you are being irresponsible.

So should Rick Moranis have gone to jail? Yes. Jail? What do you reckon the punishment should be? I reckon jail because it's more than just negligence. It's like a scientific negligence. It's gross negligence. That negligence is gross. It's gross and gross. A shrink ray is not just like a gun. A gun can kill someone. A shrink ray can shrink a house full of people. Whoa, whoa, whoa. How does a shrink ray work?

Say I shrink a house, does that just squish the people in it? Is it like as it shrinks, the people inside get squished and just blood spurt out the windows and doors? Well, it depends. No, no, no, wait. Don't get too stressed about this. Don't get too stressed about this. Because once a brick gets to a certain size,

it's not going to hurt a person. I guess. Like if it's imploding... Like, oh, wait. But it depends on what's stronger, the shrink ray or humans. Because if the shrink ray gets resistance, does it stop? Or does the shrink ray just keep shrinking

and anything that's in the way of the thing is getting smaller just gets... Let's say it's so tiny, it slips between the atoms of our skin. Whoa, that's good. You'd be a bit house. And then we'd be like a house inside us floating around.

I was about to say, it wouldn't be... Doing its thing. If the thing's shrinking around you, you wouldn't get popped. You'd just get like little bits of house. It would be like...

You'd be like a spiky man. Yeah. But those spikes would be inverted bricks. Parts of a house. That's good. I've always wondered how many...

If I could shrink houses in... I feel like I've had this conversation. How many houses do I need before it's a liquid? Have I had this conversation with you? Yes, but I'm not sure if it was on mic or not. It seems like it might have been, but

let's re-explore. Well, now that we have this shrink, right? Okay. How many houses? Well, it would be not a liquid, it would be more of a sand no because there is there is definition of liquid and so like the definition of liquid is to it will it will make the shape of the container that it's in right so how many little houses do i need have that that is like it's like sand so'd have to be the size of the sand. But then what else makes a liquid a liquid and not like sand?

Well, isn't a liquid just water particles? It's like there's definitions. Maybe Jackson's the dumbest. Because at least I just... Mine was just like a fucking stupid misunderstanding of air pressure was my problem. I'm just going to quickly Google, why isn't sand a liquid? It's particles. Because the answer to that is going to apply for many houses.

Okay, I will tell you why sand's not a liquid. Okay, so no matter how small a clump of atoms are, if the atoms themselves are pushed up against each other, it's a solid. Okay. Where with a liquid, they're broken up a bit so they can float around. Well, I guess my question is could I turn those houses into atoms? So look, sand is a solid because each grain of sand is just a very small solid that can hold its shape.

So one grain of sand is, of course, a solid, but a whole lot of grains together are a granule material with quite different properties. So what you'd have is a singular house. It would be very, very tiny, but it's a solid. But a lot of houses would then be a granule material. Okay. So it's kind of like a liquid. No.

Again, no. You're comparing water and sand here. Would you ever call sand a liquid? If the sand particles were small enough. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Not again. You're missing the, no. How small, surely there's...

It's not about size here. You literally cannot get sand small enough. What if the sand was so small it's microscopic? Nope, because it's still tiny sand. Yeah. That's fine sand, in fact. It's very, very, it's a fine house, if you will. You could get a sand that's just all houses But not a liquid of houses

Unless you melted the houses Raise the temperature enough and they'll become liquid So I could eventually If I raise the temperature and get the houses tiny I could have a liquid house You didn't even need to get them tiny You could just melt them You could just melt one house

The only thing is you'd have to somehow get a heat that isn't just causing things to combust. Yeah, well, I assume I can. If I've got a shrink ray. You're a scientist, you can do anything. So again, it's the exact same equivalent of sand, salt, sugar. I guess I'll admit defeat. In Honey, I blew up the kids.

Or kid, because it's just one. Yeah, there's young ones. Harder to hide. Big, a big baby. Is that a different crime? I think yes, because there's destruction of city property. That baby acts like a Godzilla.

Yeah, it's a different crime because you're not putting it in danger. In fact, you're turning it into a danger. It's like strapping knives to your toddler. Streaking a child, that would fall under the category of child endangerment. Whereas if you're blowing up a child...

It's weird that they chose that. I guess they just want to be like, honey, I am big into kids. Honey, our kid is fucking huge. Honey, I huge as the kid. Honey, shit. Hun. Hun. Hun. Hun. Hun. Whoops. huge as the kid honey shit hun hun hun

hun hun whoops honey get those papers ready you're gonna want a divorce just like

honey you're gonna want a divorce after this one it's like getting Rick Maranista when he's like a little shrug face we're just

honey whoops giant child causing destruction of city because when you's like a little shrug face, we're just, honey, whoops. Giant child causing destruction of city. Because when you're shrinking a child, you're inherently opening it up to more and more dangers that the world has. Yeah. Whereas in Biginic One, you are weirdly... Well, it's a danger to the world now.

It's a danger to your society, your community. It's like if you strapped a bomb to a baby. It's in the danger to your society, your community It's like if you strapped a bomb to a baby It's more like Let's try and find a proxy To making your child a Godzilla Because I don't know if there is Like if you got like If your baby is a werewolf Yeah

Yeah That's sort of what it's like But like you bit it To become the werewolf. You did the biting. You bit your baby and made your baby a werewolf. But, like, accidentally. Yeah, somehow.

But you are not a, you're just a carrier of the werewolf gene. We made this more complicated than just having an embiggening right to embiggen a baby. Sorry. But then, so, if my baby... Okay, here's a question. This is a thing that could happen. Say my baby stabs a man in the heart.

Am I going to jail? It depends on the situation. A lot of this is very circumstantial. Oh, yeah, okay. To answer the actual question we asked at the start, because there is like a yes or no answer here. If you were to experiment on your own child, that would be child services straight away.

Don't make your child kid-shy. If it's someone else's child, you would need parental consent. They need to sign a thing. Rick Moranis did not get parental consent from the neighbor's kids. Or they need to be over 18. What if they don't press charges? Got to feel like, Dad, thanks for the fun adventure. I ate a giant

twinkie. No, no, I would still be like, whoa. Actually. What if you accidentally shrank me and I came out and I'm like, it was good. Do it again. The key word there is accidental. What if you on purpose shrank me as a cruel prank? Gotcha good, surprise.

Then I should definitely go to jail. Jackson Bailey sleeps in. You're like, I know what'll get him. Jackson Bailey shrinks America. Oh yes. But if I didn't press The key word here is accidental. So if he was deliberately

experimenting on his children, that's a crime. If it was an accident, again, it's neglect. And it's gross neglect because, again, it comes down to the whole idea of, yes, but how secure was his lab? For example, if you had

a home lab in your house that was very much protected and safe, whatever, and you were just working on, say, a radioactive isotope or something like that, right? A little bit of uranium you had. And somehow your child got in there and just ate it. Oh, shit. Like you would have... Jail.

What happened? How did that go wrong? Yeah, you would go through... What were the protocols? What have you done? Is this your fault? Was this just a slippery baby? What's the go?

Yeah, what's the go? And then it's kind of like... My baby picked a lock. Yeah. Except a man in the heart picked a lock. If your baby is crazy somehow you have footage of this baby picking a lock going in

then eating that piece of uranium then yeah that's done the baby that's not on you because you were like I locked it I what if the stabbing happened after the eight uranium then

you'd be in trouble again because they're like well it's because the uranium made it murderous you'd learn how to stab a heart jackson bailey's crazy baby i'm sorry i've just got a crazy baby picks logs and stabs guys i just i first have to be like what why... Okay, so I ate some uranium.

I picked a lock. That's impressive. I ate some uranium. Oh, shit. Then I went out and stabbed a guy. Is the uranium and the stabbing related? Somehow? I just got a crazy baby.

Baby, my baby. Why wasn't it being supervised? Where were you in this? Because I imagine, in my imagination, this baby's like six months old, like can't walk. He's crawling, opening locks, stabbing kids. Well, what I was going to say, I reckon in the real world, Rick Moranis' invention would be so great

that we wouldn't put him in jail. It's amazing. What a shrink-rate technology. It's amazing, but we have to regulate it. Oh, wow, of course. You can't just do it at home. Come on. Be like a gun, like you're saying.

You get a shrink license. I feel he would get reprimanded and maybe fined, and it's kind of like you are only getting fined because... Your contribution to the world is so great. And also no one died. Yeah, exactly. They might make an example of him to be like, yes, you did really well for the scientific

community and humanity. However, you, for gross negligence, you need to serve at least community service, a fine, or potentially a small stint in jail. Yeah, I agree. But then again, no, no, because it was an accident, however, he didn't take proper precautions

to secure it. It would be such a minor thing. It'd be like the guy who ate all of the chemicals that he tested himself. Oh, yeah, the two inventors. Whatever the fuck his name is. Splendor, or whatever it's called. He just ate it. Artificial sugar. Yeah, exactly.

That story. Fuck, what a champ. What a hero. That's the best. If you're doing science, eat the science you do is the takeaway there. So I feel, yeah, he would get in trouble and it would be a hefty fine or... Would his kids get taken away from him?

I would say maybe. I feel like they... Depends on the mother's reaction. I feel it would be a community service or something like that. It'd have to go into like... You'd be interviewing the kids. The kids would be like, it was an accident.

Actually, it would be a judgment call because the kids would go into, it wouldn't so much be child services at first, but counseling. They would take them off them. Also, would your wife leave you? Maybe. Depends.

Maybe you're like, look, you knew I was building a shrink. We knew this was a possibility. Like, if Jackson killed a dog, would you kick him out of the podcast? How did he kill the dog? That's the question. With a gun. With a question. With a gun. With a gun.

With a gun. Liberally? Or were you just like shooting wildly into the street? Bang, bang, motherfucker. This is the food chain. Then we have some weird questions. Okay, if Jackson accidentally... Okay, question, Jack.

How did you get a gun? Why were you shooting into the street? Did you know the dog was there? What do you mean by food chain? Did you eat the dog? I'm more stressed about that. Do you think people eat dogs? What do you think the food chain is?

Do you think it's an actual chain? Do you think that we shoot the food we eat? Some people do. That's your only response. With 20 questions, you food we eat? Some people do. That's your only response. When he questions, he's like, some people do. Anyway, what are we recording today? Jackson. I feel like I've got to call the cops on it.

Well, do it or don't. We've got to start at some point. We've got to shut up a second or some shit to do. I've got a crazy baby. I've got stuff going on. Come here. Gavin away. I got a baby full of uranium that killed

the guy and a dead dog on my hands. Literally. It's the food chain baby. It's just the way the world works. Now we doing this or not? I don't like alternate version Jackson. He's so cool, though. He's got all the lines.

What if you shrunk? So in Honey, I Blew Up the Kids, he blows up his own child. Yes. What if you blew up somebody of equal age? What crime is that? Again, this comes down to... You're doing it intentionally. Intentionally, then it is...

Yeah. It's like a question of... Did he know that the shrink ray or the blowing up ray would cause that person to blow up as well? The embiggening ray. The embiggening ray. No, the person who became embiggened was not aware, but the person who embiggened, he knew what was coming.

Then there's intent there, so then it would be... What's the crime? The crime is... Got a baby wrong. No, no, you're doing it to an adult. I would say... Would it be assault? Why? Nobody's getting damaged. Because you're doing something

to my body that I don't want to happen. That's assault, I guess. But also, what would be emotional trauma, P? Yeah. Or psychological trauma? I suppose. You were doing something. Also, you're kind of experimenting on me as well. Yeah, I was going to say, what about this?

Off topic. What if I gave you super strength? It's kind of similar. Against my will? You did not. You weren't asking for it. I've just, like, I have a ray. Well, then I've got to, like, poof.

You're super strong now. I have to stop you. Because if you're doing it to me, you're clearly just going out there pointing this gun at other people, giving them super strength. This is a food chain, motherfucker. When everyone's super strong, no one will be. What, Jackson? I don't know. It's the food chain, baby.

Where's my baby he's in the street two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet

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two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet two feet gives a dog super strength shoots a dog with another gun I feel same principle you'd be like this man needs to be stopped because again like what you did whilst I might have benefited from that

it's still not great also now because I've got super strength also if you have super strength and you don't know you have super strength something bad is going to happen like imagine you're brushing your teeth and you just, like, push it straight through your throat. When in Spider-Man, the first one, where he finally gets spider strength

and he just crushes the door handle and all that kind of shit. All that kind of stuff happening. My dick's super strong, too. But, like, yeah, that happening to you and you don't know your strength. And, like, say, for example,

you go to give someone a hug or handshake and you crush them. You know, it's like, who say, for example, you go to give someone a hug or handshake. Yeah, you crush them. You know, it's like, who's responsible for that? I'm surely not responsible for that. Yes, you are. If you shoot someone, he's like, oh, I feel a bit weird.

Oh, there's my mum. Hi, mum. My mum. I guess it's kind of like if I, and I understand how silly this sounds, poison your hands. And you shook someone's hand and that person died. And that person licked their hand and died. Yeah, that's on me, I guess. Yeah.

Don't poison our hands. So the same thing there. Whilst you might have given me something which I can benefit from by either poison hands or super strength, you've also then put me in a position where now I have a great power and that becomes a great responsibility and I don't want that, you piece of shit. And I've got no responsibility.

So, you know, that's something I didn't want and now I have that extra burden on my life. Fuck you, you piece of shit. I don't want this. The crime is like psychological damage, basically. It's psychological damage, but there is also to do with the physical body

because you are doing something to my actual physical body that I do not want to happen. I don't know what you'd call it. They'd probably have to invent a new law. Like, yes. The Jackson's Law of Don't Embiggen People. Okay, all right. So if you somehow randomly kidnap someone, right?

Whoops. Got them, accidentally. And then they're like, whilst they're knocked out, you cut off their legs. Got them. And then you put those blade feet on them, right? And you're like, you're welcome because now you can run faster. What crime is that?

That's illegal surgery. Because that's the crime you're kind of committing. I guess it would probably fall under whatever laws we have that stop people performing surgery on people who don't want surgery. Because that's the crime you're kind of committing. I guess it would probably fall under whatever laws we have that stop people performing surgery on people who don't want surgery. Yeah. Or like even like testing. It's going to come under the same banner surely. Illegal testing is what it would

come down to. And then plus destruction of city property. Am I going to have to pay for that? If I am big in you and you break Capitol Hill. Well, I want to say like the first thing i break is on you but anything else i break after is on me because if i get in big and i trip and i'm like oh shit i'm gonna stay still yeah i'm not moving no if you crush one car that's i'll cop that that's my first thing i do but depending if i'm if i'm freaking out that's on

you it's the moment you calm down, everything after there is your fault. So you have to have footage. So we've got all this news footage. Now, if we just fast forward a bit. You see on his face there? That's the look of a man under control. He has realized he's been embiggened. And see when he crushes that car?

Not me. That's him. That's all him. That's all him. That's all him. I'm imagining this in a court of law where you're huge. It's just like the regular jury looking at the two tables, the fucking plaintiff and the... Plaintiff.

Plaintiff, yes, sure. Plaintiff. Plaintiff. Plaintiff and defendant. Defendant. And then like the plaint... Fuck, that's hard to say. I've had a lot of coffee as well. Plaintiff. Plaintiff and defendant. And then like the plaintiff. Fuck, that's hard to say. I've had a lot of coffee as well.

Plaintiff. Plaintiff is just legs. And then just like through the roof. Imagine kind of like Donkey Kong or like hunched over. I was imagining you with like your knees under your chin. I was imagining a big fella. Shuffling little paper. Liking cow and chicken how you only see legs.

Like that but of a real life. Alright, what about in Honey, We Shrunk Ourselves? Any crimes happening there? Neglect because they're leaving children unattended too. But that's an accident. That's like if I trip and fall into

a crawl space. I'm going to have to level with you guys. I do not know as much about Honey, I Shrunk Ourselves as much as I do about Honey, I Shrunk the Kids and also Blew Up the Kid. So, is it an accident? To be honest, I'm not clear either. I'll level with you guys, too.

I've seen the first two quite a few times. Honey, I made us little. To be quite honest, I was quite surprised that there was a third one. Well, the third one came out in 1997 Which was quite It was like four or five years after the second one

Why do I know that off the top of my head Couldn't tell you Idiot savant I think there was like a TV show Yeah Honey I made ourselves tiny Honey what happened we're small fellas Honey ah shit

Honey I fucked up again Honey I shrunk the kids a TV show made ourselves tiny. Honey, what happened? We're small fellas. Honey, ah, shit. Honey, I fucked up again. Yeah, there was Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, the TV show. Honey, I Shrunk the Kids, the movie set adventure. And then I can get a disambiguation, which... There was a... Honey, we shrunk ourselves. Honey, we shrunk ourselves. Oh, man.

The storyline for this. Wayne Sklincy is your average nutty scientist working on a top secret machine. Everyone in the fucking world knows about it by this point because he shrunk his kids. He blew up a kid. You can't hide a giant toddler. That was the final movie Rick Moranis did. Honey, we shrunk ourselves. Was it? Apparently. 1997.

Rick Moranis bowed out because his wife died. It's a decade later. He shrinks them. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep. Okay. Whatever. T-ba-ba. Yep, yep, yep. They, okay, whatever. Tiki man, sure. How do they shrink themselves?

Okay. However, by an act of carelessly not turning the machine back off, first thing after they succeed in shrinking, the tiki man, Wayne and Gordon are both shrunk when a pool ball on the machine falls out of place and falls onto the bottom while they're in front of it. Classic. It happens all the time. Meanwhile, Batty realizes she forgot to leave Mitch the pills

for his potassium deficiency. That's a good B-plot in the film. Fuck, that sounds like a great movie. Eat some bananas, dickhead. That's good life advice for us all, really. Eat some bananas, dickhead. Maybe your baby wouldn't have got so crazy Maybe it would have such a crazy baby

If it had eaten some bananas Saying Jackson Bailey's crazy baby Is so fun to say Jackson Bailey's crazy baby Sounds like a great TV show We'll see you later for some more Jackson Bailey's crazy baby Imagine with Hanna-Barbara kind of sound effects.

How do we shrink ourselves? What are the crimes happening here? Again, the crimes are the same ones that are happening in Honey, I Shrink. It's the same... If I trip and fall into a crawl space in my own home... It's a horrible accident. It's not. It ain't no one's fault.

It's my fault. It's a horrible accident. This is kind of like if you had a gun in your attic that you sat down and for some reason, as you're looking at it, the trigger went off, a bowling ball fell on it and shot you, and then your wife and her friend came up into the attic to surprise you with your potassium pills, and the gun got spooked and shot them as well.

That's what happened. A series of unfortunate accidents. Yeah, ain't nobody's fault whilst it occurs. A spooked gun is to blame. I was going to say, and maybe this is another area of discussion, if I kill someone while we're tiny, still a crime? Yes! What do you mean?

Like, did you, like, we're tiny? Wait, what? Hang on. We're tiny now you look over, just start strangling me? What? Is it like a different rule set for the tiny? How and why? Murder isn't illegal because you're stronger

than the person you kill, so if you're weaker then it's fine. No, I... Hang on, so you're saying we both got tiny? All the... Is the tiny person killing... the person you kill, so if you're weaker, then it's fine. No, hang on. So you're saying we both got tinied? Sandpants Radio has been shrunked in an unfortunate shrinking accident. Honey, I shrunk our podcast. Honey, I shrunk Sandpants Radio.

Honey, whoops. And then I kill one of you. How did you kill us? With my bare hands. And yes, it's a fucking crime, you goddamn cocksucker. Maybe because we were tiny. What if? Yes?

There's no getting back. Then there's no police to arrest you, and there's no justice system. So yes, if we can't... Food chain, baby! Bang, bang, bang, this is the food chain. Well, I guess. I like that I can see why your baby grew up crazy.

Or maybe that's a grown-up version of the crazy. The baby eats uranium, grows up real quick to become you. That's the food chain, baby. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. Bang, bang, bang, bang, bang, bang. So, if you were to do a crime when we're little, because again, no one's noticed, and it'd be hard to opinion for this crime. But if you bigged us, and the oil got bigged, and then you strangled us, then yes, definite crime, because everyone saw it.

I feel like it's just more of a grey area when we're tiny. It's a grey area when we're tiny, because it's hard to approve. I'll take that. I'll take that. I'll take it. Yeah. Yeah. Morally, not great. No.

Legally, not great. But like... Against the law, some would say. Yeah. Me. I would say that. How will anyone find out is the question. Because if, like, say, me, you...

Say, me, you and Dusha shrunk down and you quickly went out and like just cold clocked us both. Two in the head. And then like then got bigged and we're like oh man Dusha and Sam are caught by a centipede. Oh dang it's a lot of dangers when you're

tiny. Wait no. If we know we've been shrunk there's no chance you're not. Wait, no. If we know we've been shrunk, there's no chance that you're not a fucking under investigation. They don't know you've been shrunk. I'm like, they just said we got bit by a centipede. Uh-oh. Then they got shrunk. Oh, no.

But then surely you know, like. Surely he'd be like, I don't know what happened. I mean, like, I'm six foot. A fucking centipede won't eat me currently. No, I shrank you first. No, but then the authorities... We all shrank ourselves. It was a misunderstanding. And then there was an accident.

Here's the shrink ray. Boop, you're shrunk. Boop, here you're unshrunk. See, it's crazy. I'm a scientist, but Xamarin and Dusha definitely got etched. I'm a scientist, believe me. And you just shrunk the corpse without their permission, so you're still going to jail. Why was I shrinking the corpse? To prove the shrink ray. I shrunk an apple?

You shrunk an apple and re-baked an apple. Then I can go into a crime. It's a crime. Murder is always a crime. But it's a crime you got away with. It'd be an easy crime to get away with. It's like eating someone at sea. No one will find out unless you tell them.

That's true about eating someone at sea. That's very doable. Eating someone at sea. That's very doable. Eating someone at sea. That's the food chain, baby. That is the food chain! And on that note, I've been Joel. I've been Jackson. And I've also been Joel.

See you for the next episode of Jackson Bailey's Crazy Baby. What will he do next? Woo! Woo! Woo! Thanks for listening. If you want to help support the show, why not become a member at sanspantsplus.com and get early access to our shows, a bunch of exclusive content and much, much more.

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