Plumbing the Death Star - Which is the Most Pathetic Ghost? (Ft. Ladies Guide to Dude Cinema)

Episode Date: November 8, 2020

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SANS Pants Radio, Australia's most American podcast network. Hey everyone and welcome to this week's episode of Plumbing the Death Star, where we ask the important questions like, which is the most pathetic ghost? And today we are joined by ladies guide to dude cinema, Beck and Alex. Woo! Welcome. Yes! We were told to woo. We were instructed to woo, and guess what?

We fucking wooed, and we nailed it. And nailed it. Yeah, exactly. So today we're talking ghosts, usually scary, but when you really peel back a few layers, pathetic at heart. Nine times out of ten. They sit around, they're like, big teeth, they're scary, see-through sometimes, a lot of fur, howl at a moon.

Exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. A werewolf, yes. I know. Sure, yeah. Well, he said see-through, so I don't, howl at a moon. Yeah, exactly. A werewolf, yes. Kind of. He said see-through, so I don't know what he's talking about. A translucent werewolf. Werewolves can be ghosts too.

It's 2020. Where did dead wolves go? May I ask that? Heaven, they have no unfinished business. All dogs go to heaven. Fuck, you're right. So, they have no unfinished business. They just go off. Go to heaven. We know this. So the ghost I'm putting forward as the most pathetic ghost I can think of is Casper, the friendly ghost.

What a simp. Casper the simping ghost. I think it's sad that you've deigned yourself the friendly ghost. You're already saying that you're not going to do what a ghost is designed to do. And also, he's a child. He shouldn't have unfinished business. Children don't have unfinished business. Go to heaven, Con.

Oh, is it true? Exactly. What are they going to do? Grow up? No. That stopped. That ended. He died of pneumonia. He should have just died in the snow and been like, well, that's me. I'm going to do, grow up? No, stop. That ended. He died of pneumonia.

He should have just died in the snow and been like, well, that's me. I'm going to heaven. Great. You had the best years of your life, but you were like, no, but I want to see how this gets worse. Is this unfinished business that he only made half a snowman? Fuck off. Get up there.

Exactly. He didn't get to the age where you get like aspirations Or life goals or anything He's on a blank slate He's not having to mend any bridges No I'm not sad Yeah

Hey here's another thing that pisses me off about Casper the Friendly Ghost Yeah let's hear it If you look him up And I recommend you all do He's got feet And I like that What? Oh you want the body to just kind of float away.

Like a beautiful ghost tail. Yeah, tail. Much like, I guess, the tail of cum? Is that what you're thinking of? Similar to. Sperm? Yeah, you want the most sperm-like ghost. You want a spermy ghost.

Yeah, yeah. That's scary, because sperm's meant to be small, but if you see big sperm, you're like, that's generally fine. Oh, is that a big sperm? Oh no, it's just a dead guy who refuses to pass on. I'm less afraid. Well, where does it... Okay, when sperm dies, where does that go? To heaven!

I mean, I would argue that, yes, sperm when it dies in me does go to heaven. Yes. The most blessed of all the sperm. Exactly. Angel sperm. Beck is the holy place. That's great.

Thank you. Yeah. If you could actually, I'm glad that we're finally putting it pen to paper now and letting people know. It's been a while. I'm aware. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you.

They travel from far and wide, breaking COVID laws across the world. It's worth it, though. To worship this pussy. It's worth it. So, yeah. Casper is pretty pathetic. Those fucking feet, am I right?

Yeah. Those non-spermy feet. Yeah. Okay, so you are. All right, so he's pathetic because Those non-spammy feet. Yeah. Okay, so you are... All right, so he's pathetic because he doesn't have cummy feet. Yeah, no, he does... And he's friendly. Yes, he doesn't have cummy feet, and he's friendly,

and he died of pneumonia, which is also pathetic. He was playing in the cold until past nightfall. Excellent. Negligent. Then what would have made him not pathetic? Getting hit by a car? What's the kind of scale here? No, you solved it.

If Casper, the boy, had been hit by a car, I would be like, not pathetic, powerful. Respect. And if he'd stuck around because he's like, I didn't kill the car the first time, I'd be like, yeah, all right. Actually, that would make more sense. His unfinished business is to teach the person who killed him a lesson, but that person is pneumonia and that's not going anywhere.

Yeah. Don't be chilly. What's the thing there? I don't know. Wear a hat. I like Jackson's original claim, though, that Casper's unfinished business if he gets hit by a car is to kill the car.

Damn, I didn't do enough permanent damage the first time environmental ghost he's like carbon emissions he finds out it was a tesla and he's so bummed yeah he's just stuck here for no reason he's stuck here stupid eternity can you decide to go to heaven like if casper's like if you find out that the thing you were staying behind for what say i was like oh i'm gonna stay behind because i've died but uh my wife loved me so much that i want to stay behind to be with her and then i see that she remarries yeah can i then go to heaven or do i have to stick around what's the rule i reckon casper stick around because he's the friendly ghost he'd be like that's cool You move on. I'll just hang out.

I'll do the dishes and you guys go have fun. You get yours. Whatever. Apparently. I think it goes back to if you're a true simp, you have to stay. He has to stay. Yeah. Well, it's up to her. Whatever she tells him to do is what he'll do.

Go to heaven! Poor Casper. He'll watch them fuck He'll be like yeah He's gone from sim to cock He's gone from sim to cock Sim to cock it's a treacherous line It's okay honey I have a ghost cock I get it I understand

You have my blessing it's cool You get yours I'm just happy that she's coming and I get it. I understand. You have my blessing. It's cool. You get yours. I'm just happy that she's coming and I get to watch. That's the blessing. That's true. That's true friendly. Can somebody listening please get like one of the old Casper the Friendly Ghost comics

where he has a speech bubble and replace whatever he's saying with I'm just happy that she's coming and I get to watch. I'd love to see that that would be great i might i'd probably make that my twitter banner if somebody made that a reality i think that's what casper's thinking all the time i don't know that's a bit best you know we need to come up with a pathetic scale i guess so like okay well uh wishing the people you are meant

to be haunting were in fact coming i think that's pretty pathetic well yeah that's a scale it's a scale today to come that's the trouble with the friendly ghost it should be i'm the neutral ghost i could go either way ghost depending on what you guys are doing or ghost bull where you do the cucking. Yeah. My unfinished business on Earth is to fuck someone else's wife. Exactly. That's a decision you can make. And then as I come, I go to heaven. And that rules.

Sorry, mate. And then I ascend. So, look, every ghost has one desire, which is, are we going horn to unfinished business? Like, which one is it usually? Oh, because they're all unfinished business. I think it's mutually exclusive. Yeah. Okay.

Sure. Okay. So on the scale of unfinished business to it's okay, honey, I'm just glad that you're coming. So where does Casper fall? Because he definitely falls into it's okay, honey. I'm just glad you're coming. Absolutely. 100%.

I feel Casper's going to let his business be unfinished if it was an option between him finishing his business and his honey coming from another man. His priority is, yeah. His priority would be like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. You first, which is nice. Yeah, exactly. But it's kind of a bit pathetic.

Yeah. It is pathetic. It's like, Casper, you can go to heaven. That's okay. That's an option. Okay? Yeah. Your wife will be fine.

She's coming either way. Yeah. She's coming whether you're here or not, actually. It's kind of weird that you're still here. You might as well go to heaven. Yeah. And you, like, having the option to stay more is kind of, it's sad. It's pathetic.

It is. That's where the patheticness comes in. Yeah, absolutely. Well, that's okay. That's Casper on the table. Casper, wow. Ten out of ten in the pathetic scale there. Coming in strong.

More like Cuxpa. Yeah, Cuxpa, absolutely. So, yeah, so Cuxpa the simping ghost, 100%. Yeah. So, yeah, look, I don't think I can top it But I am going to put forward Boo From the Mario series He's a bit of a pathetic ghost I'll go with King Boo

He's royalty So let's try and bring him down a couple pegs Let me look up a picture of King Boo He's basically a big round white ghost Has a crown Little crown He's basically a big, round, white ghost. Has a crown. Yeah, a little crown. Little crown.

He's got sharp teeth. Oh, yep, yep, yep. Long tongue. And if you look at him, he gets a bit scared and he sort of stops coming at you. Like, he wants to haunt you. He does. He looks mean. If you look at him, he stops like a little coward boy.

Yeah. Yeah, so he's Mario's enemy and presumably a ghost of someone Mario has killed. Mario the Plumber from the video game. Yeah, from the video game's ball pit film. You know the video game Mario the Plumber? Mario Mario and his brother, Luigi Mario. I don't know. Yeah, so if you look at Abu, it goes invisible and gets scared. Pathetic. You're't know. Yeah. It's a cool note. But yeah, so like if you look at a boo, it goes invisible and gets scared.

Pathetic. You're meant to scare me. You're not meant to be scared of me. It's like he didn't get the brief of what being a ghost is. Or he's a ghost that talks like mad smack behind. He's like, I'm going to like fuck Mario. Watch me. I'm going to scare the shit out of this bitch.

Then Mario's like, what's up, boo? And he's like, oh, nothing, brah, brah, nothing. Chill, chill, chill. No, no, no. I didn't say nothing. We're still hanging out next week. I didn't say nothing. what's up, Boo? And he's like, oh, nothing, brah, brah, nothing. Chill, chill, chill. No, no, no, I didn't say nothing. We still hanging out next week? I didn't say nothing. Whatever you heard, not true, not true. Yeah.

I like to think that the Boo didn't know Mario was Italian and, like, he wasn't expecting it and that's why he gets scared. He's like, Boo! And Mario's like, mamma mia! And he's like, whoa! Oh, I did not expect that accent out of you, Mario. Okay. Maybe Boo's, like like a supporter of white supremacy

and white Australian policy and all that shit. That's pretty pathetic. That's pathetic. That's up there. 100% pathetic. That's definitely up there. And another thing is like why Boo is quite pathetic is because when you think Mario, you think villain,

you think Bowser. You don't think Boo. I do. You never think Boo. It's pathetic. He's got an arch nemesis of a plumber. First off, that's a terrible arch nemesis. And look, we're not being like what Lizard is pathetic, because also Bowser having

an arch nemesis as a plumber, that's pretty bad. But a ghost haunting or choosing to haunt a plumber? They have all the professions you could haunt. Why choose a plumber? I think the only... He's holding a real grudge from a bad cistern repair. I think electricians are the real enemy.

Yeah, right. I think the only people that should have plumbers as nemeses are other plumbers, right? Yeah, rival plumbers. That should work, yeah. Rival plumbing companies. I feel like maybe a roof plumber should have a rival with a regular ground plumber.

That's something I accept. And the roof plumbers would lord it over because they're up high. The altitude alone. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very strong. You know how a cat will always get to a little bit higher? It's just kind of like, yes, I'm better than you. I have authority because I'm a little bit taller.

That's how I feel about roof plumbers. I think if you look at King Boo, his expression alone tells you everything you need to know about him. He looks like he's about to cry. Like he's got such a sad. Yeah, he's got those little lines on the hair. Like it's like, oh, you look mad, but also you're about to cry. Like straight up. Yeah, it's like you're in an argument with him and you're like, oh, it's a level playing field,

but then you see the tears in his eyes, and you're like, oh, I'm winning. Oh, I'm winning. I've made you cry, boo. That's pathetic. Yeah. You can just have an argument like an adult, you know? Yeah, and, like, he just covers his eyes

when he doesn't want to be seen like a little coward boy. It's pathetic. Also, you're a ghost. You're a see-through. Why are you covering your fucking eyes? Just go and just disappear. It's pathetic. Also, you're a ghost. You're see-through. Why are you covering your fucking eyes? Just go and just disappear. Oh, man. So he tries to hide from you by

covering his eyes, but then he can see you, which makes him more afraid. He's just sounding more and more pathetic by the minute. Is Boo also a child ghost like Casper? Because that is some childlike behavior. Yeah, that's true. Which means Mario's empty. You can't see me.

How did Boo die? Great question. A wrench from a plumber, presumably. Yeah, definitely at the hands of Mario. That's why he really covers his eyes when Mario turns around, because Mario's like, wrench raised in the air. I googled how did Boo die, and I got how Boo the cute Pomeranian died.

No! That was so stupid. That's different. I was like, how did Boo die? According to Boo's owners, the Pomeranian died in his sleep. Oh, no. Oh, my God, no. Well, look, I didn't need that to know that Boo the Pomeranian went to heaven

because it had no unfinished business. Do we add Boo the Pomeranian to the pathetic ghost list or is that too on the nose? Nah, fuck that guy. Too on the cute little wet nose. Dry nose now. Yeah, dry. Cold little dry nose.

They died in his sleep. It's okay for Boo the Pomeranian. What a lost in peace Boo. Yeah. Can I posit another reason why Boo is pathetic? Because he's a ghost and his name is Boo? Yeah, that's true. Could you have a less threatening name?

Make it more demonic if you're meant to be scary. What would your suggestion be for an alternate name for Boo? Possessed or demon or something. Not the word that the cartoon says. Yeah. So possessed. I am reading here that he was probably a merchant before he became a Boo. A merchant?

A merchant. A merchant. Did he die when his shop flooded or something and Mario was to blame? Apparently. Mario didn't fix it in time. Imagine Nintendo came out and they were like, Boo died when his shop flooded. Yeah, Boo drowned to death.

That's not a way to go. Look, I mean, if you think about it, when does Mario really do a lot of plumbing? Not a lot. So it's kind of, I mean, if you think about it, like when does Mario really do a lot of plumbing? Not a lot. So it's kind of, I guess, he's neglecting it. So maybe there was, you know, Boo, pre-Boo, being like, oh, no, I'm trapped in my shop and it is slowly filling up with water, but the plumber will be here soon.

He said he will be here. Yeah. And, like, the plumber's giving her, like, yeah, I'll be there Tuesday between 9 and 9pm. Classic plumber behaviour. Classic plumbing behaviour. And then Boo has slowly drowned in a furious anger. Which kind of makes it more pathetic.

And it's pathetic that Boo didn't try and get... Just get out of it, Boo! The plumber will come! Open the door! The plumber will come as the water rises. Like, to die because you're furious at a plumber is pretty pathetic on the pathetic scale. It's like to die out you're furious at a plumber is pretty pathetic on the pathetic scale.

It's like to die out of spite. Yeah. So where does Boo fall between the unfinished business and I'm just happy she came scale? I reckon he's close to the middle. I don't think he's definitely not as pathetic as Casper. No. I don't think so.

I don't think Boo, like I don't even think if Boo would have a lover in his previous life. No. No, she would have told him to just open a fucking window and get the fuck out of it. Yeah. Yeah, Boo seems like the kind of guy that once he sees a pretty lady sit down then leave, wouldn't approach her, but instead just sniff her chair. You know? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's the kind of vibe I get from Boo. And then when she looks at him, he's like, oh, no. He's pathetic. He's pathetic but for a different reason. Absolutely. It's pretty pathetic. Still a cocky vibe though, isn't it? Yeah.

Yeah, it is a bit cocky. It's a little cocky. Yeah, it's a bit cocky. So maybe we're sitting on like a seven a bit cocky. It's a little cocky. Yeah, it's a bit cocky. So maybe, yeah, maybe we're sitting on like a seven on the cocky scale. It's not quite a full cuck like old Cuxper over there,

but it's definitely... Cuxper the simpy ghost, yeah. It's quite pathetic, but not as pathetic as... And now a quick word from our sponsors. Also, did you know we do too many shows across the Sandspan's radio network? Take D&D's for Nerds, an actual play Dungeons & Dragons podcast that I'm mostly on. Never played D&D in your life?

Don't worry. Up until we started, I hadn't either. Meticulously edited by yours truly, so you don't have to hear all the faff and math that interrupts a good fantasy story. Alex, got a pathetic ghost for us? Yes, Bruce Willis from The Sixth Sense. Very pathetic. Great choice. He didn't even know he was a ghost. I know.

And as a ghost, he's like his marriage is falling apart. Oh, my God. Another cuck. Yeah, no, no. And his best friend's a little boy. That's pathetic. You're talking like Doc Brown levels of pathetic here. Hey, get with someone your own age.

Like your grieving wife. Yeah, she's sad. Look at her. She's devastated. Find out why, mate. So live in a relationship where your wife hasn't spoken to you in at least weeks. That's so weird. That's fucked. That's fucked.

That's pathetic. Even for a few years, I think. Yeah, that's... Oh, yeah. Yeah, marriage is kind of all in a bar. She just doesn't talk to me for years. The old bull on chain over there. She won't stop not talking to me.

Give me that year-long cold shoulder. Loves it. That's crazy. It's like we wake up, she cries, she won't even look at me. But she looks at photos of me. It's weird. Yeah, and then she doesn't respond to anything I say. She goes to visit my grave.

She went to my funeral. I just can't figure out what's going on. They had this big party with a big painting of me, a photo of me up there. And I thought they hated me, but everyone was saying nice things about me. I don't know. But they still came and ignored me. I was like, guys, this is embarrassing.

I'm right here. Definitely stupid. Dumb as nails. Well, yeah. I mean, think about it. You have your whole afterlife and instead, what's he wants to do? Help out a little boy with his feelings. He's a child psychologist, right?

A psychiatrist? Yeah. So he's married to the job. He had that in life, and he has it in death. And also, surely hanging out with a kid, that seems kind of fucked, too. Yeah, if he's meant to be a patient, don't go hang out with him. Like, I don't go to my GP, and then I'm like, oh, yeah, sick. Thanks for the tonsillitis medication or whatever.

Don't know why I went to tonsillitis. Hey, do you want to grab a beer after this? Yeah, do you want to go get a coffee? I mean. Hey, meet my mum. She's pretty cool. Yeah. I think I'd like hanging out with my doctor.

He's a nice guy. Oh, Dr. Simp. Shout out to Dr. Nathan. He's good. He's kind to me. Dr. Nathan. That's powerful. Yeah, that's his name.

Presumably his first name's Nathan. So that's powerful to be like, yeah, I'm a cool doctor. No, his last name's Nathan. What? What's his first name? His first name's Brian. He's got two first names. Brian Nathan?

Don't trust that man. Don't like that. Never, never. He's in witness protection or something. I like Brian Nathan. How are you still alive? How are you not one of these pathetic ghosts we're talking about right now? Brian Nathan?

The good news is that you definitely can't count as Doxie because that's a made-up name as hell. Ryan Nathan, he is Bruce Willis and you are Hayley Joel Osment. That's what's happening. You've got the same round head. Yeah, that's true. Same little mouth. Always scared.

Yeah, absolutely. Can see ghosts. Yeah, that's true. So, yeah. So, where does, I think, Dr. Malcolm Crowe, where's he fallen into this sort of. Hang on. How can you be mad at Brian Nathan but not mad at Dr. Malcolm Crowe?

We are mad at him, Jackson. Sorry, but it's a stronger name. Yeah, it is. I don't know if Brian's listening. Sorry. I'd let a Dr. Malcolm Crowe give listening. Sorry. I'd let a Dr. Malcolm Crow give me a tattoo before I'd let a Dr. Malcolm Crow diagnose me medically. Do you think that Dr. Malcolm Crow is related to the crow?

I think so. Absolutely. That's a cool ghost. Like the crow is a cool ghost. Sick ghost. They're both dead. Pathetic. Dushy, you can't say that. Sick ghost. They're both dead. That's,

she can't say that. Not all dead people know each other. Come on, dude. Not all dead people are the same. Okay. I'm so sorry. Don't see a living.

Getting haunted by a ghost in a mansion. And you're like, I was haunted by a ghost in a prison about a year back. You might know him. I don't know. His name's Brian. Yeah. Brian. He haunted me in a prison. Yeah. back. You might know him. I don't know. His name's Brian. Brian? He haunted me in a prison? Yeah, he said he was a doctor

or something. Yeah, no, sorry, dude. There's lots of ghosts. Yeah, no, we don't know each other. I know that you don't experience a lot of ghost stuff, but yeah, there's actually more dead people than there is living. Yeah. Crazy. Do you know I would have to move out of that mansion because the tension would be too high.

Every morning you wake up and be like, is this ghost about to cancel me? No, you have the crow who is basically out for revenge, which is pretty fucking sick. And basically just like slaughters a lot of gang members that killed him and his wife. And that's like, you know, that's a scary ghost. That's the opposite of pathetic. That is the actual opposite of pathetic. Yeah. Whereas Dr. Malcolm Crowe sits

around, a bit mopey, doesn't even know he's a ghost, which means he's probably not pleasing his wife sexually at all. Well, he's definitely not. Very true. Yeah. Very true. I think he's probably not pleasing his wife sexually at all. Well, he's definitely not. Very true. Yeah. Very true. I think he's not as pathetic as Casper.

No, not much. But more pathetic than Boo. Yeah. Yeah, I can see that. Absolutely. Absolutely. I remember that on the cuck scale, about an eight, you know? I feel like he's less cucky.

He's actually not cucky because he doesn't seem to even know that his wife is grieving him yeah pretty alpha move let me paint you a picture here okay let me paint you a picture okay so dr malcolm crow after spending a whole day with his best friend the little boy comes home to his wife his wife is uh getting her grief out by fucking a random man. What do you think Dr. Malcolm Crowe is going to do? Do you think he's going to start screaming? Do you think he's going to start yelling?

Do you think he's going to be like, how could you do this to me? I thought you loved me. Or is he going to sit down, put his hands together, and contemplate his life a little bit? He's going to say, I'm so sorry for interrupting. That's my bad. He's going to say, I'm so sorry for interrupting. That's my bad. He's going to close the door quietly,

creep out so as not to disturb the mini further. I mean, I guess the plus is you can't be shocked that his wife doesn't love him anymore because the writing's on the wall with that one. Yeah. If she's not talking to you for a year, then

you've probably fucked that one, haven't you? Yeah, that's pretty clear. Yeah. Are you still married, Dr. Malcolm? Yes. I guess so. I'm wearing a ring, but... I would say that's what this means, right?

Yeah. Hey, you and your partner, you talk, right? Like, you would talk to one another? Does she talk to you? I mean, she kind of like whispers off into the distance every now and then, but not directly, I would say. I hear her crying and she says my name, but I don't think it's directed at me.

Does your wife stop crying? Does she stop crying? She seems very upset. She doesn't. I'm like, hey, honey, what's wrong? And then she's just nothing. I don't know. Speaking of crying, I would like to add my pathetic ghost to the pile.

Yes, please. It's Moaning Myrtle from Harry Potter. Oh, my God. Bitch, cheer up. Oh, my God. Move on. She's so horny and desperate. It's crazy.

Wow. It is quite sad. Look, you've got Cedric Diggory. Diggory. Wow, I just feel for her. It is quite sad. Because, look, you've got Cedric Diggory. Diggory? Diggory? Diggory. That's Cedric Diggory. Edward Cullen.

Edward Cullen. You've got Edward Cullen, this absolute babe, and you're like, I understand why, you know, Mourning Murder would be like, hey, Edward, at least jerk off in front of me because, like, I can't do anything as I'm a ghost. Show me that magic wand, baby. I want all those bubbles to be gone.

She gives it up for, like, Harry Potter, the most weediest little weasel boy I've ever seen. Have standards. You're a ghost. You can see any dick that you want. She doesn't have to hang out in that bathroom. Hogwarts is a dick smorgasbord for a ghost. Absolutely. She lives in the boys' bathroom. Hogwarts is a dick smorgasbord for a ghost. Absolutely.

She lives in the boys' bathroom. That's where all men's dicks are. Yeah. All of them. All of them. Tell you what, if you want to see a dick, great place. I mean, a lot of them are going to be flaccid, so not the most appealing dick.

In fact, on the appealing dick scale, it's definitely on the lower end. But if you're going for quantity over quality, that's true. Urinal. What that scale is? Mangled? Flaccid. Correct? It's funny, we just had

a very... We literally just spoke about this on the pod. We just had a very similar discussion on our podcast before we jumped on this. Of how, like, a flaccid dick is, like, God's joke. It's so funny. It's silly. But then, like, the other, like, an erect dick, like, commits crimes.

Yeah. It's terrifying. It's the same body part. Yeah. It's ridiculous. Yeah, absolutely. It's laughable. It's broken to flaccid to, like, erect. So, like, semi-turgid than full turgid? No, no, absolutely. Mangled and broken to flaccid to, like, erect.

So, like, semi-turjid than full turjid? No, no, no. It's, like, fully erect that I reckon hard enough that it looks good, but... Oh, no, actually, no, I fucked up my own scale. It would be, like, mangled, flaccid, fully erect to the point where it looks very angry. That's no good.

Too much. So, like, fully turjid to the point where like in the next second it's gonna come right yeah kind of like that kind of turgid kind of like you're worried that maybe the foreskin's about to burst okay yeah that's worrying okay that might loop back to mangled okay but then then you probably go like this guy you know how like in in cartoons if they've got like one of those like uh old-timey shotguns where someone puts a ball in it and it kind of explodes outward? I'm imagining that, but a penis.

Yeah, well, usually dicks just come in the end. They don't actually explode. But you still look to be in that way. Not the ones I've met. Not how Alex does it. I commit. Yeah, that's good. Ladies' guide guide fuck different.

Someone needs to, you know? My dick is heaven and Alex's dick is a weapon of max destruction. You did not want to get over here. I just said that we both have dicks and I'm sorry. We're swinging our dicks around. I've only had one coffee today. I'm a fucking mess. And then after that, you've got, I guess, fully erect.

And then you've got, on the best scale of dick, I reckon, is three quarters erect, where it looks still good, but also doesn't look like it's about to attack you. Okay. There's only one way to decide this. Boys, get it out. Let's do it. Here we go.

And it's a good scale. Three mangled dicks coming up. Show me mangled. Show me full turgeon. All right. And we're back after that 15-minute display. Wow, guys. Wow.

Yeah, I'm going to have to agree with Dusha on this one. Mild turgeon dick is the most attractive. It is. It's good to see all aspects of this game. Once again, a real blessing to be part of the Sandspants network. Thank you so much. It's an honour to work for you guys. So sorry, Jackson, for your mangled dick.

We had no idea. Yeah, it's a shame. It's a bummer. It's a real bummer. Thoughts and prayers. Thank you. F's in chat only. So it is pathetic to imagine Moaning Myrtle, considering the dick scale,

sitting in the boys' locker room waiting for the perfect dick. That's like day upon day waiting for someone to pop a chub in the locker room. That's sad. Go to heaven. Chubs are plenty up there. She lives in a toilet.

You're haunting a fucking castle, bitch. Go to a stateroom or something. Go to a turret or something. The amount of wizard shit that she's had to deal with. Ew. Why, Myrtle? You're hanging out in the worst smelling place in Hogwarts. What are you doing?

Also, what is her redemption? Like, what is her unfinished business? Trying to get an A in potions? The toilet is not the place to do that, Myrtle. I'm pretty sure her unfinished business is fucking, right? Yeah, that does make more sense. And also, hang on, where are the wizards fucking? They have shared dorms.

Yeah, in those shared dorms, presumably. Yeah. So she's choosing, choosing again the worst place she's haunting the place she died in so that i kind of respect but also her unfinished business is telling people how she died because like the whole but then she doesn't go to heaven after that but she doesn't yeah it doesn't yeah it doesn't end up how does she die again the basilisk oh yeah yeah yeah yeah is heaven real does she die again? The basilisk. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is heaven real?

Talking about pathetic wizards, that basilisk, I'll tell you what. Yeah, but like because there are a lot of ghosts in the school who haven't gone to heaven. Can you go to heaven as a wizard? No. No serious goes to heaven because he steps through that door or whatever. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be because he steps through that door or whatever. Oh, yeah. I'm going to be honest.

I've not seen Harry Potter. You're not missing much, to be honest. I'm following it along enough. I know Myrtle. It's that the woman who plays Myrtle is also in Bridget Jones's Diary. Yes, that's the one. That's true. So she's playing a teenager, but the actress is in her late 30s at that point,

and it's wild casting, but it works. Wow. Yeah. Cool. It's Grease all over again, I tell you. It's Grease. She's the modern-day Rizzo. I think Myrtle's going to fuck our scale, though,

because for her, watching other people fuck, she's getting off on that. Kind of her jam. Yeah, to her favour. So that's not quite falling into pathetic. She's a pervert. You know what I mean? She's actually a pervert, yeah. She should be arrested.

Yeah, she's legit. Yeah, I agree. But a female pervert is kind of pathetic. It's like, I'm sorry to get the genders involved. Yeah. I mean, we are speaking about a JK Rowling text. I feel it's only appropriate. It's strange that a female ghost haunts the male bathroom.

Yeah, right? Imagine if it was a male ghost in the female bathroom. That wouldn't fucking fly. This would not be a children's book, okay? It's so true, though. Fucking creepy. But to be like a female pervert, like I'm an absolute creep, but people only know because that's how I introduce myself.

Yeah, hi, I'm Beck. I'm an absolute creep. Nice to meet you. Yeah, and then I make full eye contact with their dick and go, yum, yum. Nice to meet you, sir. And then, you know, the only way you get past that is like, yeah, I know, we're sorry, it's mangled.

Yeah, yeah, exactly. And we're like, yuck, get it away. Well, that sucks. Sorry, Jackson. Well, it is a very, yeah, you can't, she does fuck up the scale because her unfinished business is watching someone cum. But she's more like, I feel like that's less cocky because that's like her kink, like that's her jam. Whereas the others have been kind of just made to watch their spouses fuck and they just have resigned themselves to it.

Yeah. Well, that's all right so maybe she's she's not good but pathetic might be the wrong word for myrtle yeah she's like yeah it's it's like she's so horny it's pathetic you know what i mean yeah yeah it's really like there's like a level of horny you're like, all right. But it's just really gone. Brain it in. Really. You know like nerds that are too horny? Oh, absolutely.

Yeah. Oh, my God, she's an incel. She is an incel. Oh, my God. Incel Myrtle confirmed. Holy shit. Whoa. I think this is the first thing that's been discovered on a plumbing the death star in years.

This is amazing. We love labeling people as incels. It's our favorite thing to do. That's all our podcast is. Incel, incel, incel. Well, Moaning Myrtle definitely is an incel. Wow. That's pathetic.

That's got to be pretty fucking pathetic. One thing that would just sort her out, I guess, would just be like, so like ghosts can't fuck people, I guess. Or maybe they can, but it doesn't feel. Surely they can masturbate, though. According to Kesha, she's been fucked by a ghost. That's true. And I trust that woman with my life.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, absolutely. Yeah, has Myrtle never discovered her own hand? Yeah. That's pathetic. Yeah, true. But also with how horny teenage boys are, like she could have been a ghost for 15 minutes

and be like, y'all want to see some ghost pussy? Like someone would have said yes. Somebody must have. Yeah. 100%. Show us them ghost titties. Yeah, exactly. 15 minutes is way too long of a window for that to happen.

Plus there's like a whole bath situation that, you know, like, she could go in. Like, that's, like, perfect. Yeah, bubbles. For, like, any prefect. It is baffling. She's an incel and she's bad at it. Like, it's, yeah.

Well, she's done that incel thing where she's so incel that, like, it becomes, like, a vol cell, I guess. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's hectic. Yeah, it's sad. It's sad. Is she more pathetic than Casper? What do we think?

I would say so. I reckon she's more pathetic than Casper for sure. Casper's high for me. Yeah, that's fair. It's a different level of pathetic, but... Are you just saying that because she's a woman? Hang on. Is someone scared of the PC police? Are you just saying that because she's a woman? Hang on.

Is someone scared of the PC police? Always. We're after equality, mate. 100% afraid, yes. If you're a real ally, you will cancel Moaning Myrtle right now on this podcast. She is pathetic, but,, but I don't know. Cuxper is so pathetic. We haven't come up with a cruel nickname

from Moaning Myrtle. Moaning Myrtle is in itself a pretty cruel nickname. I don't know if I could top. It's like someone coming in like, Hey, I'm Gary, but people call me Little Dick Gary. I'm like, fuck, I can't. But, shit. Sure, I guess.

I'm going to call you that too. I can't think of anything crueler, you know? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. It's a tough one. I also think Moaning Myrtle may be more pathetic, though. So, yeah, I'm an ally.

This is a safe space. That's cool to hear, dude. Well done, dude. Your blowjob is in the mail. It's coming to you right dude. Well done, dude. Your blowjob is in the mail. It's coming to you right now. Thank you so much. I'm just going to need to take another quick break. We'll be back to this.

I'll let him just suck you off. That rules, dude. It's those ones from Harry Potter with the mouth. It's one of them howlers or whatever. It's a sucker, I guess. That's cool. That's cool. We're just sending you a flashlight. Getting a blowjob sent by your mum.

Oh, no. Thanks, Harry Potter. Happy birthday, son. Oh, I got a suck offer in the mail. Happy birthday. Neville, no. So all pathetic ghosts, but all of the ghosts that we've mentioned so far have a purpose that I can't just do by going outside

so my most pathetic ghost is the ghost of Christmas present okay sure sure that is pretty pathetic yeah that sucks yeah that sucks so much you're there

you're already there so ghost of Christmas Past pretty fucking cool you can go visit your own childhood and kind of see where shit went wrong Ghost of Christmas Future so Ghost of Christmas Past cool Ghost of Christmas Future the coolest because you're seeing stuff that hasn't actually happened

you're not just remembering Ghost of Christmas Present is like cunt get out of bed let's just go outside look it's a kid The kid's sad it's your fault Ghost of Christmas present is just taking the dude into another room That's all he's doing Hey did you ever think about today

Yeah I did Well my job's done Ghost of Christmas present Are you familiar with now How about if you listen? Ghost of Christmas Present is like, hey, you know that you make people work longer hours

and Scrooge is like, yeah. Yeah. I just wanted to point that out. Sorry. I know because it's happening and I'm doing it. Yeah, well. That. I don't know if... am yeah i know i know because it's happening and i'm doing it yeah well yeah so like that's cool so ghost of christmas present no idea how they died uh but that is the worst job in the world to get stuck with it's like dude that's right if past doesn't so whatever ghost of christmas past

gets done presents not going to build on that it'll just be the same and if past does their job badly then present is just going in to a guy that's just ready to fight already i guess i learnt nothing in the past do your worst about now well i hate going into a guy who is ready to fight well it does sound like a bad time ghost of christmas present should be more scared of the person they're haunting it's the Boo situation again as well where like, yeah, what a pathetic job and just what a horrible existence. If I was the Ghost of Christmas Present, I would be like, we're not gonna go

anywhere. There's a way worse guy coming next. We're just gonna wait like five minutes here. We're just gonna hang out. How you doing? Don't worry. Go back to bed. Whatever. Yeah, that sucks. Or whatever. Really, the sucks. Play cards or whatever. Really, the whole Scrooge situation, you only need the Ghost of Christmas Future, right? Yeah.

What does Christmas past and present even really add to that? Well, past is giving you a good dose of trauma. And then I think Ghost of Christmas Future is also giving you a good dose of trauma. Yeah. But doesn't Christmas past be like, hey, you used to be happy as a kid. And then Christmas present is like, oh, hey, Christmas, you've made Christmas worse for others. And then Christmas future is like, you're going to fucking die, cunt.

No one loves you. That's scary. That's the one that will make me change my behavior. I'll give a turkey to Tiny Tim after that. The other two, fuck Tiny Tim Or whatever Hey boy, what day is it? Christmas Day Fuck off

And then I close the window Hey Tiny Tim Yes sir? Fuck you Then I huck a turkey at him out the window Eat that snowy turkey, cunt Woo And then the kid gets locked out at him out the window. Eat that snowy turkey, cunt! Woo! And then the kid gets locked out. Whoa, Tiny Tim's probably Casper.

Dies of pneumonia! Tiny Tim becomes Casper in, I guess, a situation where the ghost of Christmas future doesn't do a good enough job. The alternate timeline. Yeah. So on the cock scale or whatever with a Christmas present, we don't have enough information to assume,

but like imagine going home to your partner and being like, yeah, I showed another guy today. Showed a guy now. Yeah. Yeah. We looked out a window and he saw the stuff. He just went for a walk. I don't know if I changed anything because obviously I'm in the middle

so I don't really see it. He knew what was going on. He was there because it was now. She'd be so fucking frustrated like, babe, this isn't a career. What are you doing? You're not fulfilled. My family put in $15,000 for your present dream. You know.

And it's really, it hasn't got legs. Yeah, I see the Ghost of Christmas Present as a largely sexless being because if you were, like, visited by the Ghost of Christmas Present whilst in the middle of coitus, I don't think it would phase the Ghost of Christmas Present whilst in the middle of Coitus, I don't think it would phase the Ghost of Christmas Present. He wouldn't react one way or the other. It wouldn't be like, this is horny for me, and it wouldn't be like, oh, I'm angry or yuck or anything or embarrassed. It would just be like a thing that is happening.

It's the equivalent to, I guess, putting butter on toast for the guy. It just seems like a normal thing he wouldn't care about i like the idea that ghost of christmas present walks in on people fucking because that means that the person gets shown the past and is like fuck my lesson is i gotta fuck right now and in between past and past leaving a present getting there the guy's like or lady whoever we can all fuck thank you that's the ghost of christmas past playing a mad trick on the ghost like hey bro get your dick out and just go ham on this lady here trust me it'll pay off you'll love it it'll be so funny dude oh my god no i reckon the sex would absolutely fuck up uh ghost of christmas present because if you're trying to

show them the now and how it's actually secretly bad it's hard to do that when someone is halfway through fucking because that's true if you time you could no no you could be like look you're fucking it's great but no one here is enjoying you think you're enjoying it but she ain't like that wait so you're down are you telling me that i'm getting scrooged but it's not telling me that i need to like protect my work is they're just like you're not very good at making love, Jackson. Here in the past, you've failed to satisfy these women. And in the future, you'll do the same. In the future, no one wants to fuck you.

Look, you're standing on the street. You've not learned any lessons. In the future, yes, you've gone, had a shower, and there she is on the bed, pleasuring herself because you've left her unsatisfied. Looking at photos on her phone, not even thinking of the fuck she just had. Are you telling me that this Scrooge is happening

over the course of one session? One fuck. One fuck. The course of a good five minutes. Imagine looking at someone in the eyes, and you see their eyes kind of glaze over and then they kind of, after a moment, back with it and they're like, I just went to the past.

I fucked bad. I'm so sorry. I'm terrible at this. I saw my own grave. Somehow this kills me. Holy shit. Yeah, Mike Gatone said fucked bad.

Yeah. I totally fucked. Fucked as he lived. Well, where on the scale does the Coastal Christmas present fall? I just feel like, first of all, ghosts having a job, that sucks shit. You've already lived. Yeah, that's bad. They're not getting paid.

Yeah, exactly. It's capitalism, man. Capitalism goes across all planes That sucks Sixth Sense, Ghost and Boo They all have jobs Therapist and a monarch Enjoy it

But at least if you say yeah I'm a monarch Well first of all monarch very respectfully Someone's like yeah I'm actually a king I'd be like oh yeah that's fucked Someone's like yeah I'm a therapist I'd be like yeah sick, yeah, that's fucked. Someone's like, yeah, I'm a therapist. I'd be like, yeah, sick. That's cool. That's very important.

Someone comes in like, yeah, I show people the now. I'm like, what the fuck are you saying? Well, you know now. Yeah. There it is. Oh, yeah. Thanks, dude. Oh, yeah.

That'll be 50 bucks. Thanks. I'd be like, this surely cannot be a service I pay for. Yeah. That was the first one was free. Yeah. To get you hooked. The punch card thing.

I think at the end of the day, Moaning Myrtle surely is the most pathetic ghost. I think it's like close between Moaning Myrtle and Casper, Cuxper, excuse me. But I think it's clearly Moaning Myrtle. I think we got it right. I think you're right. I've come around.

She's very, very pathetic. As much as I think that Cuxbra is one of the most pathetic ghosts in pop culture, Moaning Myrtle is probably the worst. Yeah, I would say so. I'm glad we came. We discovered that today after a lot of hard work. Somebody write it down. I've been losing sleep the past few nights over it.

It's good to finally figure it out Especially if you think You've got nearly headless Nick there And you're like, gross, someone's head's almost off I'm scared I'm scared, I'm being haunted And then there's someone being like, hey, do you want to jerk off on my ghost titties? I'm not, I'm scared But for a different reason

You just feel sorry for her I'm like, I just would like to take a bath, Myrtle, please, for the love of God. I'm filthy, Myrtle. But it's going to be a sad cum. I'm sorry. Also, like, it's going to go through you. It's sad for the person as well.

Effectively, Myrtle, if we have sex, I'm cumming in the bath. That's what's happening. I'm still in the bath. Yeah, I'm going to have a bath with my own cum. I'm mad at Myrtle. She's the bath. That's what's happening. I'm still in the bath. I'm going to have a bath with my own cum. I'm a man at Myrtle. I'm proud enough to admit, yeah, I've done that. But you get a weird moaning Myrtle.

Quite frankly, it's almost mangled at this point. It's definitely gone past coming down from being turgid and we're coming close to getting mangled. I have come around to this. In this very succinct conclusion, I've come around. Casper is way sadder than Moaning Myrtle because Moaning

Myrtle is tricking people into cleaning up their own car or coming in their own bath. True that. Great trick. Zero clean up on her part. That's pretty cool. That's pretty cool. I'd say that. She's not having to put the towels through the wash twice,

like so many times a day. But JD, she doesn't want that. So that kind of makes it more pathetic. Yeah. But at the end of the day, Casper is the cum. Yeah, that's true. He's got feet. Terrible news. No, he's not cumming. All right, sorry, Casper is the cum. Yeah, that's true. He's got feet. Terrible news.

No, he's not cumming. All right, sorry. He's not the cum. He wishes he was cum. He's not the cum we're looking for. No closer to figuring out who the most pathetic ghost is than when we began. And maybe we're just going to have to accept that.

People can write in. We've got a Twitter account. You do the work for us, for once. But I would like to say, though, hashtag not all ghosts. Not all ghosts are pathetic. Before the ghosts start coming after us.

We're just saying, yes, all women have met pathetic ghosts. Of course. Absolutely. But it's not a blanket thing. Yeah. Just quickly, I just want to give a quick shout out to the ghost from The Conjuring 2, which is a dead old man that just wants to sit in a ghosts yeah yeah of course absolutely absolutely but it's not a blanket thing yeah yeah uh just quickly i just want to give a quick shout out to the ghost from the conjuring 2 which is a dead old man that just wants to sit in a chair that's sick knows what he wants not pathetic takes care of it yeah that's mad that's unreal yeah yeah it's pretty cool slimer another good another good ghost

you just want to drive a bus yeah that's great uh the ring ghost she's sick she just wants to drive a bus. Yeah. That's great. The ring ghost. She's sick. She just wants to. Samara. She just wants to kill horses. Yeah, that's cool. That's a ghost I can get by. I just watched some telly. She just wants to.

That's nice. Live in a well. Shout out to the ghost that I used to work with at Ikea. Would just knock stuff on the shelves every now and then. That's great. What a sick ghost. Shout out to the ghost I used to work with At a coffee shop Who liked to knock The radio over Oh yeah that's sick

Hated tears It's just the hijinks though Isn't it It's just having a bit of fun It makes a boring job exciting Yeah It gives it some pizzazz Shout out to my nana

As a ghost Has never visited me once Hey Thank you She's got stuff to do I don't want that Yeah Exactly

So hands in heaven And just quickly Quick shout out to the guy that died at my work but then didn't come back as a ghost meaning that I could do my job properly that's really sweet shout out to that guy he died watching the film Hulk presumably

well the doctors say old age I say bad movie that's on you Eric Banner yeah absolutely Eric Banner Yeah absolutely Eric Banner's got old man blood on his hands Well old man death I guess There was no blood Anyway

And on that note I've been Joel I've been Jackson I've been Joel I've been Alex And I've been Horny Yes This whole time

Yes The whole time What What What Dicks out for the boys So Alex and Horny where can we find you Well myself and Horny Co-host a podcast called The Ladies Guide to Dude Cinema

Also on the SansPers Network And all three of you have been guests on our podcast Before so Have a listen. Yep, highly recommend all your episodes. You can find Alex. Yes. On Twitter, Instagram, AlexJ1.

Numeral one. Yes. And you can find Horny on Instagram under at Beck Loves Food. Yes. And Twitter at Beck Charwood. Yes, that's me. Perfect. And if you follow me on Twitter, you don't anymore

because I just got permanently banned for telling Donald Trump to suck shit, cunt. Really? Yeah. They banned you for that? Fuck off. It's my third. That's fucking sick though, bro.

Yeah. I got a 12-hour ban for doing basically the same thing. Mine was permanent because it was my, in quotes, third strike. Oh, my God. I love telling people to suck on those turds. So I guess from both me and Joel, eat shit, Trump, you cunt. It's from the bottom of our hearts.

All right. Yeah, sick. I'm recording on my end now. One, two. Yeah, sick. I'm recording on my end now. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. Zamit, how was that? Is that enough to sink? That's perfect. We're good.

Then we go to 12. When you said we all start counting together i thought as a team we'd be like six seven eight no that was i fucked it up we did it i can't you multiples of four was be hard Try that again Okay From the top One, two Three, four Five, six Six

I just got excited by the counting I got excited I just got excited. Dusha came in early. It seemed like on my end I was... Okay. This time I'll be perfect. One.

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