Review Revue - DIY Boba Kits

Episode Date: January 30, 2024

Alf and Reilly are back and reading reviews on DIY Boba kits while getting fingered in the closet. >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? At participating restaurants for a limited time. Welcome to Review Review.

This is the show where we do long-form improvisational comedy based on most absurd reviews from around the internet. I'm Ritz. And I'm Alfred Bardle Evans. Thanks for joining us. I once heard a sweet podcast. Each week it comes out fine Hosted by Bardwell and Riley and Spa Review

Review If there's a pod that can Thank you. it so long I can't see anymore. If that's the price I pay for content. Let me, let me, Listen, what the fuck is review, review? Okay, pipes. Okay, vocals. Holy shit. Holy heck. That was wild. Okay, that was from Carrot Snatch.

Carrot Snatch has sent in a lot of songs. Once more song. Here's a little ditty I freestyled off the top of my ass in a sauce. Love me. Those vocals kind of went insane. I'm not going to lie. Those were crazy good. That was kind of insane.

It almost was as good as me. Okay. How about you sing it now? Blown out. Blown out the audio. Yeah, but Daniel will hear it, unfortunately. And you know what? But that blown out audio will be better than but daniel will hear it unfortunately and you know what but that blown out audio will be better than your audio quality from last week you know what sometimes sometimes there's a knob and there's a dial and sometimes you turn it and you're a fucking knob

you're a bloody and you're a dial love and i don't know if you can know. If you can't take it, you can't dish it out, my darling. Darling, darling, absolutely. Alfrini, teeny, bovini. It's Saturday. And is your refrigerator running? I think so. Oh, well then you better go catch it. How do you mean?

It's running away. No, no, it's in the corner. It doesn't want to live in the home with you anymore. Welcome back to review review i had a dream last night that i was appointed a member of parliament i'd like to imagine that this is not like a sleeping dream but this is like you like a dream like in your heart i have a dream and it is to be in parliament but the old the old mp died and they were like you've got to find somebody to take his seat and i like couldn't remember the name of my constituency it was like you know one of those british names it's like scooting on boople town yes and i was like i gave a rousing speech and everybody loved me. Do you want to be in politics in any way? I think I want the sort of British politician trajectory of

go into parliament, become disgraced, become a contestant on a reality TV show. Can we talk about it? Can we talk about it? Yeah, let's talk about it. Guys, if you don't watch The Traders, sorry, but it's kind of our thing right now. There is a contestant on the second season of The U.S. Traders who is a former member of Parliament.

And not like a cool one. See, I don't know anything about- He really sucked. Okay. See, that's because it's all reality TV stars. And so it's like people from the Shaws of Sunset have no idea who this man is. It's really wild. And I'm like, oh, I didn't know they got Alfred on. When was he filming?

Come on, he's 60. But there's a rich history of British politicians going on like Strictly Come Dancing, I'm a Celebrity, Get Me Out of Here, like all the British reality shows. That makes sense. But again, of which this is not one, which is even funnier. But Sarah Palin was on The Masked Singer, and so was Rudy Giuliani. I knew Rudy Giuliani was. She was the mama bear. She sang I Like Big Butts and I Cannot Lie.

The Masked Singer feels like I've never watched an episode. I've only seen commercials for it, and it feels like the most dystopian Hunger Games-esque kind. And the audience surrogate is ken jong who you're watching and he's like losing his mind and you can see that he's regretting everything and that he thinks we live in hell and like all the other hosts are like i love it here and you can just see

like that hint of like he's like desperation in his eyes they were I remember the viral clip of like, surprise, the Masked Singer. I remember, can I have a hamburger? Can I have a viral clip? I remember that there was a clip that was like, surprise, the Masked Singer is Kermit the Frog. And I'm like, this is crazy. The Masked Singer is a Jim Henson puppet.

That was really insane. But we're back. What's new? Besides the dream. Welcome to Review Review. This is the show where we do long form improvisational comedy based on most absurd reviews from around the internet. I'm really... And I'm Alfred Bardo-Levins.

Thanks for joining us. What if we did intros? What if we did intros? It might make the show more accessible. Okay, guys. Let us know. Let me let us know let me try one let me try one okay hi everybody welcome back to review review the podcast where we take the zaniest quirkiest interview interviews we can find on the internet and we turn them we turn Comedy Gold. Ew. What's new with you? That's Riley Anspaugh. And that. Oh, ew.

Do the trade-off thing. And that's Alfredo Islands. She's Riley. And he's stinky. Team Rocket jacking off again. What's new with me? Not much, Chief. We should be.

I was going to say we should be horny Team Rocket for Halloween, but Team Rocket's already incredibly horny. It's like, but Team Rocket's already incredibly horny. It's like, you can't make it hornier than that. Yeah. We should be celibate Team Rocket. Purity ring Team Rocket. We should be Puritan Team Rocket. What's new with you, King?

Oh, not much. Didn't sleep well. It's cold. It's gray. Everyone knows what I'm going to fucking say. You know, at this point, what's new with you? That's what everyone wants to get to. No one gives a shit about me.

Okay. What's new with me? Hold on. I'm trying to decide. Okay. This was going to be my what shook me, but. Oh. No, I'm saving it.

I'm saving it. What a journey. Sorry. What's new with me uh so the other day i saw miles bonston where i posted a tiktok about how he got too high and ate an entire pack of sausages from trader joe's and that is huh cooked cooked he cooked them yes oh phew um but uh that he he didn't mean to eat all of them he meant to only have two from the air fryer and then he got a little high and he's like well might as well have another and um i and then

his wife sarah got home and she was like why the fuck i wanted a sausage and um that feels very similar to my life experience right now because there's this kind of sausage that we really like um but we don't get it too often because we're like, I don't want to spend that much money on a pack of sausages. But they were on sale, so we got two packs. But I'm in a phase right now where it's like, I think eggs taste gross. And then I'm sure in a couple weeks, I'll be like, I love eggs. Sometimes I think eggs taste like wet dog.

But then I switch and I'm like, why would I ever not be eating eggs? Right. So I'm in that phase where I think eggs are absolutely foul. And so I've had a sausage every day for breakfast for the past week. would I ever not be eating eggs? Right. So I'm in that phase where I think eggs are absolutely foul. And so I've had a sausage every day for breakfast for the past week. And so Daniel's like, can I have one for lunch? I'm like, yeah. And then this morning, I'm like, Daniel, can I have the last sausage? He goes, yeah. I'm like, are you mad at me? And he's like, no. I'm like, I'm sorry for housing all of them. He goes, I just would have liked one. I'm like, for sure.

Riley. And I genuinely felt so bad. Riley. I've been having so many chicken apple sausages. Chicken apple sausage. They're so good. But we're not here to talk about chicken apple sausage. Can we? Can we?

But we are here to talk about something you make at home. We are here to talk about something that you can consume. We are here to talk about something a little sweet. A little... Syrupy. Bubbly. A little bit creamy. Dreamy.

Creamy, dreamy DIY boba kits. Welcome back to Review Review, the podcast where we talk about all things boba. Welcome back to Review Review, our little bubble tea palace. A little bubble tea on the prairie. I love, you and I both love a good boba. I love it. I love the stuff. Have you ever made it at home?

Would you dare? No. Would you literally dare to make boba at home? No, no. Kiki my boba? Boba my kiki? I have had enough boba out and about in the world that I've paid good money for that was mid to know that if a store is producing mid boba, it is the epitome of hubris for me to think that I could make something better at home. I have my stores here in Chicago.

Shout out Windy City. It's windy because I fart a lot. I dropped my phone. Shit. I hope it cracks. Oh, and my phone's broken. We have to cancel the podcast. I'm going to the Apple store No but I do think

You know I love my boba stores That I have why would I fuck with a good thing You know I like boba I'm gonna eat my boba You know what I mean When you say like mid boba do you mean like The actual tea or do you mean like The tapioca balls

Correct Which part Cause I get mid tea it's like sometimes it's too milky like the actual tea or do you mean like the tapioca balls? Correct. Both. Which part? Okay. Well, how would you define? Cause I get mid tea. It's like,

sometimes it's too milky. It's not strong enough. It's too sweet, whatever, whatever. How do you define like mid the actual balls? We're going to be saying balls a lot. Yeah,

guys, can you grow up? Can you grow up? Can you guys seriously be mature? Stop being a Puritan team rocket and grow up. Okay. Come on. Get over yourselves.

They're called balls. And if somebody calls them pearls, that's not right. We call them balls in this house. Oh, no son of mine is gonna be calling Boba pearls. You're gonna come to this house and you're gonna call them balls. They're balls, son.

Get used to it um but yeah i sometimes the balls are sometimes the balls are dry have you ever had that where you've bit in and it's like there's like it's like kind of like flowery sometimes you bite into a ball and it's like too chewy it's like hard i've had hard chewy yes and it's like no no you want that like perfect like it's squishy it's ooey gooey delicious but it's like hard i've had hard chewy yes and it's like no no no you want that like perfect like it's squishy it's ooey gooey delicious but it's not like falling apart you know what i mean which i've been and the reviews i've been seeing i thought it was just like oh you get boba and you get to craft your own stuff you know it's like yeah it's freeze-dried you have to do the

right you have to like fully craft it with like the right of... I don't want to be a chemist. I want boba made, and I'll have it. Oh, no. What happened? I don't want to be a chemist. What's your go-to flavor? The rumors and nastiness about me and my boba? Her and her boba?

I love a matcha. I'm a caffeine fiend, so a little bit of extra caffeine from that matcha doesn't hurt. I like a taro. Taro. I like anything with ube. Yes, me too. A little sweet potato ube magic. Taro milk tea boba tastes like cereal milk in the best way.

I love it. Taro and just like the Thai tea. Yes, yes. In the best way. I love it. Tarot and just like the Thai tea. Yes. Yes. I mean, they're, you know, I have, sometimes I've branched out and I had like a rose one once that I was like, you know, for me, rose, it's a very overpowering flavor. It's very hard to get it right. It's either too much or it's too little. You ever watch Bake Off?

Yeah. It's hard to get right. Paul Hollywood hates it. He's like, it's fucking disgusting tastes like perfume tastes like i can't say that we're on the air um but uh doesn't matter um hey hey man doesn't matter um hey stop pushing me please i'm not comfortable right now um but uh no to me boba is like it's in the same like pantheon of things that like you just shouldn't make at home. You know what I mean?

Like it's up there with a milkshake. When people make milkshakes at home, I'm like. I disagree. I think you can absolutely make a milkshake at home. Listen, everyone knows if you listen to this podcast, you know that I'm obsessed with free will. You know that that's a concept that I hold near and dear to my heart. Yes. And welcome to Review Review, the podcast where she loves free will and I hate it. I with free will. You know that that's a concept that I hold near and dear to my heart. Yes, and welcome to Review Review,

the podcast where she loves free will and I hate it. I love free will. So it's like, and Alf is fully, thinks that everything's predetermined. I'm a Lutheran. Is that what Lutheran is? I can't remember.

I don't know. You can make boba at home, sure, but you have to be willing to face the consequences. You have to know that you have to make it just so. Right, I agree with that. I agree with that. So if you make it just so right i agree with that i agree with that so if you make it at home that's on you i don't trust alpha i think we have we know

ourselves too well yes we know we'd fuck it up absolutely i'm gonna go pay six dollars to get a tie six dollars and then a dollar extra if you want that with non-dairy milk so you don't shit your brains out and then oh now we have to and now we're tipping i hate tip culture that's my new thing and then you have to fucking tip and then you have to fucking tip i mean but aboba aboba can easily end up being ten dollars and you're like yes i could have had i could have had dinner i could have made it at home let's get into the reviews let's get into it you start oh my god oh my god i've never seen this side of you yeah ever since i got elected to parliament i'm different i'm way more assertive now that i'm a parliamentary 10 count pack of it's like it comes with four different kinds of flavors of boba you can make and the boba which

you have to like the actual tapioca balls which you have to do yourself it actual tapioca balls, which you have to do yourself. It's a DIY Boba kit. You get the idea. Anyway, this is five stars. From Cindy R. Cindy. Cindy RuPaul. Cindy RuPaul. Really quick tangent.

If anyone has not seen the Rand Paul Hedgum video from years ago, it's one of my favorites. And I think about it all the time. Rand Paul's Drag Race is one of my favorite jokes Jeffrey James has ever done. And then being like, you get to take Rand Paul to the Grand Ball. That is one of my favorite things. Anyway, go watch Rand Paul's Drag Race. Cindy RuPaul. Five stars.

The title is Good Flavor. I wasn't sure what to expect from this when I bought it as a Christmas present for my daughter. She loves going to get boba. As soon as she opened the present up, she tried it. She said it was actually really good and liked the flavor she tried. Can't wait to try the other flavors. The boba balls were just like

the store. Not as hard as we were thinking may happen with at home boba. There's nothing particularly crazy about this review. What it did make me think of what i love is like and i heard this i was listening to uh a podcast i've been loving recently called ride with benny drama new skinner uh and maribeth brown and they were talking about the concept of like when a parent realizes that you like something as a child that's your thing now they will keep buying you that kind of thing

for the rest of your life. I've experienced that in my own family. Like my older stepbrother, when he was a kid, he loved crunch bars. And my sweet mom, every Christmas now in his stocking, there's a crunch bar.

And he's vegan now, but it's more so for like, for the kind of like, it's tradition. But he doesn't eat it because he's vegan? Exactly. And so there's something about, it's tradition. But he doesn't eat it because he's vegan? Exactly. And so there's something about, it's like, oh, well, my daughter loves boba. My child, my 11-year-old loves boba.

And so it's like, I'm going to get her boba stickers. I'm going to get her boba plushies. I'm going to get a boba DIY kit. And then just a mat, like, you know, that suddenly now her whole thing is getting boba gifts. That's what I imagine. Like, that's what I feel like is the future for this person. It reminds me of, like, you know, when you're a kid and your parents are like, okay, we're going to paint your room. What color do you want it to be?

And you pick the most sickening shade of blue imaginable. Yes. And then you're like 19 and you're like huh yeah who picked this yeah whose idea is this i never got to do that as a kid i never got to paint my room but she's still bitter about it no it's just i uh think about it a lot not bitter well just boba we can paint we can paint our room now if you want like to give you that childhood thing if you want no no we're in our you know it's a new house it's it's our it's our first home together

i mean chris come on it's like i don't i making new memories. I'm not trying to live in the past. Okay. I want to make a new life here with you. Not, not bring, you know, 13 year old Stacey back in the picture. But Stace, like, I don't know. I think there can be something powerful. Like, remember when I was complaining the other day about how I, you know, was never able to go to the arcade as a kid. And then we went to Dave & Buster's. And it was one of my favorite dates. Dave & Buster's drinks are so strong. My God. Honestly, Dave & Buster's, underrated date spot. Underrated date spot.

Yeah. Anyway, I do remember that. And I agree there is something powerful about letting your inner child come out to play a little bit. Just reliving those childhood memories like seriously like i'm not saying we're not committing to anything but like if you could paint the room a color like what color would you have wanted to paint it when you were 16 oh god well when i was 16 it was really no emo phase i've seen the pictures i was in the emo phase and i thought girl we've. We've all seen it. We've all seen it. We've seen the pictures.

I guess if I could do it, I would want it to match my hair. So, you know, I had like jet black, but with some streaks of like neon green and pink. And so, I don't know. There's a dream I had where, no, this sounds crazy. I don't want it. This feels silly. It's not silly. It's not silly. It's not silly.

Of course, you can be a high-powered tech CEO and want to paint your room a fun color, okay? And I can be the best stay-at-home dad that the school has ever seen. The best stay-at-home doggy daddy that the school has ever seen. Yeah, and I can still go to Dave and Buster's on the weekend, okay? We're allowed to get in touch with that childlike part of ourselves, Stace. Chris, I love how much you champion play. I love how much you champion the sense of wonder and youth in all of us. There is a saying that really resonates with me that I learned in law school.

And obviously, I don't practice anymore. You don't practice. Because I'm a stay-at-home daddy. And it's not because you were disbarred. Oh, no. I was disbarred, but that's not why I stopped practicing law. No, I know. I understand.

It was separate. Anyway, they used to say practicing law is like serious play. They were like, you have to take it seriously, utmost seriously. It's life or death sometimes, you know, the judicial system. But also you need to learn to have fun and like play jazz, you know, improvise between the lines, you know? So anyway, babe, you want to do dark black balls

with streaks of pink and green, don't you? I do, but I don't want that. I don't know. There's part of me. Can I admit something? Of course. Anything to me. Anything to you.

Anything to me. There's something. I don't know. I'm kind of scared that I've repressed my inner child for so long being a tech CEO. And I'm like, there's no room for, so I didn't go to law school.

So for me, it's like, there's no room to play. There's no room to listen to jazz. There's no room to have like free form with the law. For me, it's like numbers. It's the binary.

It's zeros and ones. And that's what makes the world go round. There's no time for color. There's no time for joy. There's no time for play or a role in the hay. They really discouraged us from having sex when I went to business school. Yeah, your MBA program was really, really anti-premarital sex for some reason. It was very much, it said the yearning for the taste and the feel of the flesh will take you.

The taste and the feel. And I've never heard you say that before. And thank you for talking about that with me because that's really, really bizarre. Because I'm really trying to shed all of these beliefs that were put on me. They said the yearning for the taste and the feel of the flesh will tear your mind away from the numbers at hand yes i mean i did i remember when i when we first started dating you know when you were fresh out of your mba program i do remember one of your friends said something i heard her say something to you yeah i was like that's a little odd we were at dinner yeah and uh she just goes stacy focus on the stock market, not the cock market.

And I do remember thinking that was weird. Well, I thought it was weird too, because that's also language that we never use. Right. Like actually in school, it would be focused on the stock market, not the market. It's like we- Because you wouldn't even use that language. No, we wouldn't even use that language. It would be like, we would assume because of the rhyming and that alone was like pretty intense.

Like Cockney rhyming slang. We should paint your room tonight i'm scared that if we do that it will release a part of me that will not be able to put back inside cut to work the next day um uh mrs montgomery yeah oh mrs montgomery is my mom you can call me Stace. Um, okay. Stace, um, so I have your schedule for today. Um, remember that you were supposed to be meeting with the head of the,

with Fed Chairman Janet Yellen today? I mean, but did you, whatever, get pegged. I'm just going to be at my desk listening to my chemical romance, Boomer. Boomer. Okay, I'm 23. Ugh, fine. Do you want to hang out with me?

Maybe we can smoke weed out of an apple. No, I don't think you understand. Janet Yellen is coming to the office today to meet with you about the merger, and it's pretty serious. Merger? I hardly know her. Fine, I'll see her. I hardly know her. the office today to meet with you about the merger and it's it's pretty serious merger i hardly know her fine i'll see her i hardly know her okay um stace yeah can i can i speak freely as your pa uh absolutely you can it's a free country i felt like you hit the first part of that word really hard. I don't know if this is a crisis that you're going through,

if this is to do with maybe you're having troubles with Chris at home, but this outfit. The only trouble I'm having with Chris is that we're not doing it doggy style on the desk right now. Okay. That's really, really too far. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

I'm sorry. What were you going to say about my outfit? No, I'm going to cancel the meeting with Janet Yellen. No, no, no, no, no, no. I'll stop talking about doing it with my husband. No, it's even if you, I swear to God, even if you acted totally normal in the meeting, you're going to look insane.

With the hair and the piercings and everything. Like, it's not, you just don't look professional. That's really fucked up. Oh, what is that supposed to mean? There's a look? There's a look to be professional? Are you freaking joking? You look dated. You look like Avril Lavigne's ugly stepsister, and it's not a good look.

Okay. I'm sorry. Was that too far? I quit. You can't. You're quitting? I'm quitting. Stacey, are you sure?

You're only six months away from being fully vested on your stock options. I have never been more sure about anything. Why be working for the man when I could be getting under mine? You're not working for the man. You're a CEO. We're all cogs in the machine, Anna. And it's time that you opened your eyes. Maybe try painting your room once in a while.

You might be surprised with what you find. Painting my room? Cut to Anna's apartment that night. Painting my room. Painting my room. Babe, you coming to bed? dave one second actually will you come in here yo what's up um do you feel like this is like the right color for the nursery um eggshell absolutely a gender neutral color for our for whoever shows up in our lives yeah that didn't sound forced at all dave um i'm really working on it i've always wanted a boy but i understand that you don't believe in assigning gender at birth and so i'm

really trying to follow your lead on that one so we'll see whoever whoever our little bundle of joy is but do i want a little tyke i can watch football with of course will i love them just the same yes what have i said you can watch football with your child regardless of their gender remember i and honestly i think that's just where we're gonna have to disagree i don't believe that's true fundamentally if we don't if our child isn't a boy you won't let them watch football i won't let them that's exactly right no matter how much they want to this is exactly what okay i don't like the eggshell what i like how you paint your room determines a lot like your the colors that you're exposing your child to it's like if we have an eggshell room for our baby then our baby's gonna grow up to be the most bland boring milk toast kid in

school and i don't want that i want our kid to be cool that's not that's not necessarily true like what color was your what color was your room when you were a kid my color it was like it was like brown it was dark brown which i know you don't see a lot of dark brown walls. No, it's bizarre. But that's what mine was. But I love that. And I turned out fine. You definitely turned out weird.

And that's what I want for our kid. So you want to paint the room brown? Yes. Dark brown. Or something else. I mean, yeah, first thought, best thought. Maybe I was thinking like dandelion yellow. Dandelion yellow.

Yeah, maybe then I'll encourage our kid to be, like, bright and colorful and happy. Anna, honey, I think you're overthinking this a little bit. Our little angel miracle will be whoever they're going to be. They could be a bright sunshine ray of joy or they could be a kind of crazy little rain cloud and we'll love them just

the same. It's just that if they're not a boy, I'm not going to let them watch football with me. That's fine, Dave. I don't want my kid to watch football anyway because if they watch it, then they'll want to play it and if they want to play it, then you get into the whole concussion. I'm actually fine with that. Guess we'll find out next week, though, huh? Crazy that it's so soon.

And crazy that I'm still going to work. I don't know if this job is right for us, Dave. Didn't you say that stacy quit yes it was crazy janet yellen was standing in the lobby knocking on the door going yoo-hoo time for a meeting and stacy just she said i'm done with this you know well maybe you should be too we could start over it's like you make enough money right right? I make so much money. It's like, why was I even working as a PA? What am I trying to prove? You could be a life coach like me.

I don't even have to leave the couch. Yeah, but I wouldn't be as good at that as you are. Um, that's literally not true. What did you say to me the other day when I said, oh, I want to get up at seven, but then the alarm hit at seven. I'm like, oh, I'm too tired. I don't want to get out of bed. Remember what you said to me the other day when I said, oh, I want to get up at 7, but then the alarm hit at 7. I'm like, oh, I'm too tired. I don't want to get out of bed. Remember what you said to me?

I said, if you sleep in anymore, you're going to miss your train. Yes. But that was just a fact. Like, you were going to miss the train. If you had said that to me, I wouldn't have gotten up. So I think you have exactly what it takes. I love you. Thanks for always it takes. I love you. Thanks for always encouraging me.

I love you. Even when I look like this. And you know what? You won't look like that for much longer. So thank God for that, right? Literally. Literally. I can't wait till you're not pregnant anymore. Me either.

I'm sick of this. Nine months too many. Let's get dinner. Let's get boba. Let's go get boba. Shit. Let's take a break. Let's take a break. And we're back.

Your turn. My turn. A lot of people are saying it's not my turn, but it is. One star. For what? For Boba. This is for... Oh, we didn't set an intention.

Oh, fuck. Let's do it now. Intention is tapioca. That's not... We're not... Hey, come on. Take it seriously. Okay.

The intention is peace. That's fucking powerful. Premium Boba tea kit. peace that's fucking powerful premium boba tea kit boba party kit bubble tea gift kit boba gift 56 plus drinks one star from rose

rose rose rose not you pulling an alpharet come on fucking rose rose oil Rose... Not you pulling an Alfred, come on. Come up with one. Fucking rose, rose oil. Rose oil, olive oil from Popeye's sister says, one star, made us sick.

Woke up and got breakfast with my girlfriend and was having a pretty good day. After finishing up a movie in the afternoon, we decided to make boba for the first time. It tasted okay after adding some almond milk and vanilla extract but 10 minutes later after only a few sips between both of us we felt like garbage it's been three to four hours since having and i'm still feeling really gross and very nauseous and my girlfriend hasn't stopped feeling light headed i do not recommend light-headed light-headed not light-headed they got food poisoning they got i've never been light-headed from food poisoning well you've clearly never had botulism boba

botulism boba goes crazy oh you've never had botulism boba you never had botulism botulism boba botulism boba come on midwestern sounds like botulism boba sounds like remember garbage pail kids of course it sounds like it's like they're doing garbage pail kids like what are their like treats that they have? There is that whole brand of candy pitch to children that's like, the yuckiest, ickiest, turd, chocolate turd.

The most craptastic treat. It's like the most awful brand name. This one tastes like moldy finger. It's like, what tastes like moldy finger. What? Moldy finger? Okay.

Why are they marketing like a dog shit in your mouth? Kids love it. It's like, okay, do you want Hershey bar? It's like, okay, we're being subversive. Do you want a Hershey bar, Timmy? Or do you want gooey, gooey, delicious fucking pus candy? It's like, oh, the pus candy,

mommy, please. Lance boil-flavored beans. And you're like, oh. I was obsessed with the fucking Harry Potter beans when I was a kid. Yes, yes. Oh my god, it really does taste like dog shit and it's like i got an earwax one oh yay oh it tastes like vomit like one of them is literally just vomit i don't feel so good after all those vomit beans do you have can i buy a pack that's just the vomit I don't want the variety I just want the just the vomit please Just the vomit or if you could do a mix

Just the vomit earwax would be great Oh absolutely delicious I do remember in The first Harry Potter I'm pretty sure Dumbledore Eats one and he's like Earwax Did you like it or not

Kind of hard to tell did you like it or not? Kind of hard to tell if he liked it or not. All right, Jelly Belly family. We're here. It is tis the season. What a year, guys. What a year. Jim and I are so proud of

everybody on the flavor team. Because without you guys, we'd have no bellies and no jellies. You guys are the people who make the paint. Okay? And maybe we're, yeah, we're the painters, you know? But you are the people who make the paint. You are the people who make the paint. And without you, there's no way we could make this work.

No, absolutely not. people who make the people who make without you there's no way we can make this work no absolutely not you think that you think have we that we'd have the sales we do this year if it weren't for the brilliant minds in this room right now no sirree bob but i have to say everybody did a fantastic job truly the whole team you guys did a fantastic job and he wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it but he wouldn't say it if he didn't mean it we both agreed there's one person that we want to give a special hand to again again we value each and every one of you nobody in this room is getting fired but we want how great is that can we celebrate that a moment can we celebrate that's Can we take a moment to appreciate that? Can we celebrate that? That's not every candy company right now. How cool is that? No person in this room is going to get laid off today.

That is not. No person's going to. That's our small thing. Do you guys appreciate that? That is not normal for a candy company. That is not normal. You think over at Reese's, they let everybody keep their jobs? You think that everyone's employed over there?

Are you for real? To keep 100%, to keep 100 to retain 100 of your flavor team year to year you fucking mad are you fucking mad are you fucking mad you think you think over at nerds you think everyone oh my god oh my god nerds is like they had to cut half the team this quarter. Henriging staff. But not us. Not Jelly Belly. Not Jelly Belly. So there is one person.

That all being said, yes. There is one person we want to say a special thank you to. Because without this person, it's like already everyone hears the cream of the crop. But this person, this person just tipped us over that edge. They were the one who just got us over that line that it's like we were great and now we're amazing. Margaret, why don't you come up here? Margaret Robertson. Margaret, enough beating around the bush.

Margaret Robertson, get your feet up here. Your feet up here. Your feet up here. You think at Reese's they are not, like, being... You think at Reese's they're being conscientious of what language they use with their staff? No. Absolutely not. No. No.

Those dogs? No. Have you... Oh, I'm sorry. Are you guys familiar with the Wonka Company? Old Wonka grab ass. I'm not accusing him. I'm just saying like.

Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. I've heard. Allegedly. I have heard people call him that. Around.

Wonka grab ass. No, I've heard that too. In this candy. Okay. So we. No. I'm seeing some nodding around the room. I am seeing some nodding around the room.

Everyone's nodding. So we've all heard. Allegedly. Allegedly. Allegedly. We've all heard that. Allegedly. Well, we've heard it, but it's an alleged claim.

We've all heard it for sure. Yes. Undeniable that we've heard it. Get your feet up here. Get your feet up here, Margaret. Everyone's clapping. Yes, yes. Round of applause for God's sake.

For God's sake. This is Margaret. Guys, do you even know Margaret? Margaret, why don't you go ahead and introduce yourself? Hi, it's me, Margaret Robertson. I know you all know me. I don't really know what I did. I've been here at the company for 20 years and I don't really understand why

today is so special. Oh my God, the modesty. Oh, and she's humble too. And she's humble too. Oh, and she's humble. Oh, Margaret, what's your favorite flavor of jelly bean? Humble pie? Wait, write that down. Write that down. Somebody work on that, please. Somebody work on that. Hey, Trixie, Trixie, I want you to be on the

I want you to be on the humble pie brief. Okay. Thank you so much. Margaret. Marge. Can I want you to be on the humble pie brief. Okay. Thank you so much. Margaret. Marge. Can I call you Marge? Margaret. I guess.

Awesome. You pay my bills. Everyone roars in the honor. And that's true. And she's got jokes. Okay. She's got jokes. Margaret.

Margaret. You really don't know what you did for us this year. I can't think of one thing that tipped our numbers over the edge. Our number one best-selling bean in Herstory. That's right. He said Herstory. Another thing I learned in the training. It's 2024.

Another thing I learned in the training. Yeah, we're with it. Times are changing. Yes. It's Herstory. It's not his story. It's 2024. Another thing I learned in the training. Yeah, we're with it. Times are changing in her history. It's not his story. It's not his story. Margaret, what a mind. What a mind this woman has.

Everyone's giving me blank stares. You guys don't know that Margaret is the one who came up with the best selling flavor of the year. Did you not realize that? You guys thought what? That gasoline came out of nowhere?

You thought that the gasoline-flavored Jelly Belly was just what? A gift from God? Or whoever. Or whoever. Or whoever she may be. I took the training. I took the training. Or whoever she may be. Or whoever she is up there. Monotheistic God. That I think we can all agree.

Right? Right? Okay. Okay. I'm seeing nods around the room. We all agree that we all believe in one monotheistic God, right? We don't know what it is. Okay.

But there's only one. We can agree there's only one. There's only one. And I'm seeing nodding around the room. Be it universe, be it God. Guess, oh,flavored jelly belly. This woman is a madman. You've, you know, the best part about going to fill up your car is smelling the gas.

And so Margaret thought, I'm going to take that a step further. I'm going to take that a step further. What if you put it in your mouth? You've never. What if you put gasoline in your mouth? You've never been filling up your car and you've thought, fuck, I could drink this god i wish it was okay to drink this oh oh uh she captured the umami just so the umami of smelling gasoline when you're filling up your car i you all know i've been sober for years you all know you all know i had a problem vigorous nodding around you all know i had a problem yeah nothing has made me want to relapse and start doing inhalants more

than this jelly bean i ate this fucking thing i was this close to going to ace hardware and buying a can of paint thinner i swear to christ i swear to christ that's how good it was but but he didn't and you know why you know why? You know why? I was there. He gave me the call one day. He goes, Tim, Tim, I'm on my way. I'm in the car. I'm gonna go to Ace Harbor right now. And it's because of the gasoline jelly bean. And I said, hey,

don't you, you're stronger than this. You can do it. And you know what he did? He popped five more in his mouth. I popped five more. I blacked out that night. And no, before everyone's... I know I can read your minds right now, you guys. There's literally no gasoline

in the bean. You're missing the point. Obviously. You're missing the point. You're all missing the point. You think Margaret would put gasoline in a jelly bean? You think that Margaret would actually do that? You would accuse your co-worker of that? That's pretty messed up. I can't believe everyone thinks that she would do that. That's crazy.

Anyway, the reason we wanted to call this meeting to let you guys know. Margaret, you can sit back down. Margaret, please sit. We appreciate you. I know we were talking a big game beginning of this meeting. Jim's crying. Jim's crying. I'm serious. I know. No, I know. I think it's crying. Jim's crying. I'm serious.

I know. No, I know. I think it's beautiful. I want everyone here to appreciate that he took the training. He learned that, men. It's okay for men to cry. It's not okay. It's good.

It's encouraged. That's what I learned from the training. It's encouraged. It's not just okay. It's good. But I want to say, I know we talked about game at the beginning of the meeting

about the fact no one was getting laid off yeah and i wish that were true god i wish that were true oh my god you guys but if that were true it would be the best day ever every you know something else i learned in the training to every reaction there is an equal and opposite reaction. And yes, was this our best year to date because of the gasoline? Yes. Ab so freaking lutely. We made so much money. Was it also at least a hundred times more lawsuits than we've ever faced?

Yes. Absolutely. Absolutely. Absolutely! And so because of the legal fees, because of the legal department, and you know I hate lawyers, and you know I hate the lawyers. We are creatives.

We hate those pencil-pushing sharks. There's something I learned in candy school. It's the idea of serious play. Serious play. Do you guys know what that is? Blank stares are getting a lot of blank stares. You guys, you guys, this is Jelly Belly. You don't know about serious play?

We play here. We come up with flavors. This is, when you were a kid, you thought, oh God, maybe one day I could work to make candy instead of just eating it all day. And look at where we are. We are the dreams that we had when we were kids. We are the dreams that we had when we were children.

Look, it's up on the wall. It's up on the wall. We say it every day. We are the dreams we had when we were children. The founder said it it and it remains true yes but guys that was the play this is the serious part

you can't have the rise without the fall I'm gonna need by the end of next week your 10 grossest beans caveat that won't get us sued looking at you Margaret love your work but tone it down. Otherwise, we will be...

We will use those... We will use those... We will be... Come on. We will be using... It's okay. We will be using those... It's encouraged.

It's so fucking true. We will be using that list, those lists that you provide us to winnow the staff by 50%. Half of you, look around. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of those people's going home. And, but here's an alternative option. If you're feeling so bold, you can give up your jobs right now.

You can just quit right now. Save someone else in this room. It's like, you know, in the airport, when you're about to get on the plane and they suddenly decide we need 10 people to voluntarily check their luggage. We need 10 of you guys. Be the change you want to see in the world. 10 of you 20 to give up your jobs right now.

Look for the helpers. If you feel like it's going to be you, you know if it's going to be you. You have a gut feeling that it's like, ah, it's going to be me. Just like, wouldn't it be better if you just bit the bullet bit the bean rather and i know what you're thinking i could see the eyes in the room what about their bonuses why are they laying us off but they're still taking the bonuses what about our bonuses how about stay in your lane oh i'm sorry do we not do enough for you?

You're the people who make the paint. You're in here all day being creative and then you trust us to run the numbers, right, guys? Zeroes and ones makes the world go round. Don't question what we're doing. How about stay in your lane? How about stay in your cherry tree lane?

Asphalt flavor. Asphalt flavor. Asphalt. Asphalt. So what we're going to do is we're going to do a box with cherry tree and asphalt because you have the cherry tree and the lane. So that's going to be, we're going to do that. Okay, that's going to be a two-pack.

No, I don't know if I understand that. I don't know if I understand. Cherry tree lane. It's from Mary Poppins. I think cherry tree lane is the house in Mary Poppins. So it's going to be a Disney branded. Are they rebooting that soon? Can we do a tie-in?

Can we do a tie-in? Yes, we could do a Disney collab with Jelly Belly, and that's going to be Cherry Tree Lane. It's going to be asphalt flavored beans and cherry tree flavored beans. That's fantastic. And if you're wondering, and I can see everyone, what does a cherry tree taste like? That is not for us to figure out. That is for you guys to figure out.

Wood and cherries. And dirt. Probably wood and cherries probably wood and cherries right guys just use your heads a little bit before you start just like freaking out okay freaking out in here it's like you could fuck it with an yeah it's okay it's okay it's okay we don't grow without mistakes we don't grow without stumbling you can't learn to run if you don't learn how to walk the world is so different than it used to be tim it is so much worse than it was like when i first started out here you know we would sit yeah i know you guys are surprised yes i started sit here i started out in the flavor department yes back in 92 we're just men i would sit here

paint thinner in one hand white out in the other trading huffs between the two yeah you had a big problem i don't think people realize how big of a problem you had no it was massive it was endangering everybody around me it was debilitating you know i mean there was the fire you know because i can't i was keeping a lot of flammable liquids. We lost some of our best ideas and people that year. And people that year. I just want to say, you guys, we get what it's like to be where you are. Tim was laid off once, weren't you, Tim?

Oh, my God. Once? Try thrice. Okay, I was trying to be, yes. Three times. And here, but here's the thing. The reason I'm still here. They always hired him back. Because I made them. Because I wouldn't let them fire me. They said, Tim, you're gone. We can't afford to keep you. And I said, nope, I'm not. And yes, you can. And they said, whoa. Okay. I guess we'll have to look at the numbers again. Please don't try that, guys. That won't work. No, no, don't try that because it only works when I do it.

So if you guys try it because then you guys were going to be coming to me and it's like, that's my trick. You can't use kind of like, you know, my own thing. That all being said, guys, 10 of your worst flavors or 10 of you guys quit your jobs right now. I don't know what to tell you i know this has been a long a long year a long you know night we've been rambling for a long meeting um just enjoy the rest of the holiday party yes yeah oh my god guys eat drink be merry you know if you guys want to hook up you know not with me obviously that's gross but hook up, you know, not with me, obviously, that's gross.

But with each other, you know, I support that. You know, a lot of people don't realize before Tim was my sponsor, we had an affair. But it was an emotional affair, but it felt physical. Yes, yes. No, deeply emotional. It was completely emotional but because of how intimate emotionally it got i felt like i was physically being touched by him we've still never touched not even shook hands no we've never touched before because we know that the second we do

the electric pulses are going to be like it's going to kind of blow the roof off sometimes i can sit in a room with tim locked eyes and i can and i don't use this word lightly bring myself to climax three or four times in half an hour just by looking at him if that's how powerful our connection is anyway guys enjoy the punch uh your bonuses such that they are will will be in your next check. Have a great night. I want that Mary Poppins asphalt cherry tree combo on my desk. Package and all by 8am tomorrow. Big Black Horsan and asphalt cherry tree. And an asphalt bean.

Big Black Horsan and asphalt bean. Yes. Okay, that's in the ad. That's it. And that's in the ad. So it's going to be Mary Poppins Big Black Hors and a cherry tree. You're on fire. Big black horse and an asphalt bean. Stop, stop, stop, stop.

We're in the office. We're in the office. We need to stop. Should we do our next review? I guess, yeah. Sorry, but big black horse and an asphalt bean. Big black horse and an asphalt bean big black horse and asphalt bean merch merch if we if we had merch big black horse and an asphalt bean screaming

i remember being really scared of that song as a kid. Me too! You were? Yes! I was like, oh, it's so sinister. It sounds so scary. It sounds like rain clouds. Yes!

It's like, turn it off. It's scaring me. Yes! No, why were there songs that were scary? We were both such fucking scaredy cats. Like, timid little children. You were scared of the song, people. Mommy, will you turn it off?

I'm kind of scared. You know what? Others are really scary. What? What song? Being scared of a song is crazy. That is what it's like to be a child. Being scared of a song.

I was scared of a song. What is wrong with you? I have three songs. That wasn't one of my main ones. No, there was three songs that genuinely scared me. Two of them are from Nightmare Before Christmas. I mean that. Okay.

The first, this is Halloween, this is Halloween. That song scared the shit out of me. I am the hunting under your bed oh teeth back teeth sharpened eyes going red that one and then the oogie boogie song because some of the bass and the drum like scared like this i was like oh god so those two scared me and then also the version of roxanne from the movie Moulin Rouge scared me. Okay. And who sings that? I don't know who sings that, but it's like Is it you, Anne? It's not. No, no, no.

It's not. But it's definitely not Sting. It's definitely not. It's definitely not Sting. It's not Roxanne. Boo, boo. It's like Roxanne. Here, just listen to it. Sorry. We're not going to be able to Daniel, please cut this out. I'm going to pull it up right now. I just listen to sorry we're not gonna be able to Daniel please cut this out I'm gonna pull it up right now

I just need I'll if you guys wanna listen to a song that scared me El Tango de Roxanne from Moulin Rouge the movie Daniel please cut this out but guys go listen just to the first

like 20 seconds of this song and imagine an 8 year old listening to it so anyway if you go to about 40 to 40 seconds to a minute it's just the beginning the rest of it now is an adult we'll drive you we'll drive you that song scared me what other song scared you what does that remind me of you know what song scared me but i loved it i was I was terrified of it, but I loved it. This is one of the deepest cuts you'll ever fucking find.

Okay. All of the other reindeer. I love all of the other reindeer. The movie version of all of the other reindeer. The mailman song where he goes, Christmas. Ba-huggin' bum. Terrified.

But I was so enthralled. I don't remember that! Christmas! Ba-huggin' bum! Yes, there was a horniness to it. There really was. I loved all of the other reindeer. Oh, me too. It's like, what a wonderful story about a dog who becomes a reindeer for a day.

Ba- What is it? Christmas! Bah-huggin' bum! I need a bah-huggin' bum jellybean on my desk tomorrow. Come on, you guys, get on it. Get on the bah-huggin' bum.

Bah-huggin' bum? That can't be it, can it? That's only the tune. It's like, but it might not be. Hold on. I need to Google. We're not going to get a copyright strike for that. Ba-huggin' bum.

Hold on. It's ba-buggin' hum, obviously. That's obviously what I was going to say. Ba-bummin'. Buggin'. What was I saying? Ba-huggin' bum. Ba-huggin' bum. bug and hum obviously that's obviously what i was gonna say okay and that's on he's dyslexic okay in the summertime the delivering's so easy my bag is light and the world is fresh but by autumn i'm getting queasy. The shoulder strap tears at my flesh.

I'm a zombie by Thanksgiving with four weeks torture still to come. This is no way to make a living. Christmas. Bah, bug and bum. Bah, hug and bum. Bah, hug and bum. Bah, hug and bum. Ba-huggin' bum. Ba-huggin' bum. I have a review.

Oh. For what? What is this episode? Who am I? Where are we? Boba. Boba. I couldn't tell from either of the scenes that we did.

That's perfect. This is for Premium Boba Tea Kit by Loka. Makes up to 24 drinks. Bubble tea gift kit. Tie tea edition with jasmine and black tea includes tapioca balls and boba straws. DIY food gift. Boba Tea Kit by Loka makes up to 24 drinks. Bubble Tea Gift Kit, Thai Tea Edition with Jasmine and Black Tea includes tapioca balls and Boba Straws DIY food gift. Boba, where the hell you been, Loka? That's great stuff, man.

This is three stars from Martinette, no last name. Okay, Martinette Sparkling Cider. Martinette Sparkling Cider, three stars. The title is probably my fault. It didn't turn out very well. Probably. My boyfriend and I ordered this for Thanksgiving because the two of us love boba in our local Thai restaurants.

I chose this kit because another brand's kit that I was considering had reviews complaining the pearls tasted and felt like gummy candy. That's exactly how these pearls turned out. However, I'm an inexperienced cook and probably didn't have the steeping time right. Also, we used almond milk instead of half and half, stevia instead of sugar, and I think the host's ice cubes had been in the freezer for too long. What? I'll try it again exactly as directed on the instruction card

while the uncooked boba is still usable and maybe it'll have a better texture if I'm more careful and don't steep it for too long three stars because it was packaged so elegantly and the Thai tea was delicious yeah I think you're pulling at straws if you're starting to accuse the host's ice cubes of having been in the freezer too long

I've never even heard oh this ice has been in the freezer i kind of get what they're saying it's it's ice but it's been in the freezer too but sometimes you have ice that's been in the freezer too long and it does what the fuck does that mean and it can kind of take on the it can kind of taste like freezer it tastes like ice am i crazy yes you are people in the discord are going to agree with this i do not i've never had ice that i'm like huh this no actually you know what right here we go no no no no no but here we go that's just no no i think that it's not about the length of time it's been in there i think it's about just the appliance that it's in like you could

have ice that's fresh but that taste yes like it depends if you have like okay she has a clean freezer brag okay she's bragging about her clean freezer not everybody has a clean freezer dude think about it think about it no i but I've definitely had, like, put something particularly... But I can see that I have had ice that tastes like freezer. Yes, and, like, sometimes, like, you fucking... You put a bunch of raw onion in your freezer, and now your fucking freezer tastes like onion, and now your ice tastes like onion.

You guys know what I'm talking about. You put loose raw onion in your freezer? Yes, just like sprinkle it around. But you know what I mean? Sometimes your freezer gets imbued with the flavor of things that are in it, and then sometimes by the transitive property, the ice

can then also be imbued with that. What are you putting outside of any kind of Ziploc freezer bag? Well, not everything's Ziploc. Like what? Well, sometimes, I don't know, you buy peas from the grocery store in a frozen bag. Loose peas. You buy frozen peas and you only use half the bag and you put it back in the freezer

and maybe you don't bother to like chip clip it. Couldn't be me. I know. I knew you wouldn't resonate with this. Well, and now we know because that's why your ice tastes normal I guess Your ice tastes like peas My ice tastes like piss I think also what I love about this review

Is being like It tasted weird That being said I did do everything wrong Literally Probably my fault But I'm gonna I did everything wrong

But maybe it's someone who's The person The person who's hosting us for Thanksgiving who provided the ice was the problem. Okay, guys. Dessert time. Thank you again, Stace, for hosting. But I brought dessert. Whatever. It's probably not even good, but I brought it. Oh, Lauren, come on. We are so excited to have it. I mean, listen, can I just say before the dessert, like, thank you guys all for coming over to my place. Like, it means so much to have friends

and family here. And who knew everyone was such good cooks i mean can we celebrate that oh my like my word that stroganoff was to die for that stroganoff and that borscht that who made the borscht who made the borscht well literally that was me ian that borscht is literally legendary i'm not lying to you ian that borschtcht was better than my mother's. Don't tell her I said that. You don't have to say that. Come on, you guys. No, I'm not just saying it. I mean it. You're just yanking my chain.

No, he wouldn't say that if he didn't mean it. It is time for dessert. So I just want to say, as we round out this meal, what amazing food. What amazing friends. And what amazing friends. Absolutely. And what amazing friends. Absolutely.

And what an amazing. And I can't wait to round off this incredible meal with an even more incredible sweet treat. Well, no, we don't even know if it's like whatever. Come on. You always do this. Just like you are the best baker in the friend group. That's why we make you in charge of dessert every year.

That's not saying much. Everybody remembers Ian's peanut butter cookies. Oh, come on, you guys. They're just peanut butter cookies. I was in the hospital. I'm allergic and nobody told me there was peanut butter in it. Yeah. That's why everyone remembers. Well, yes, Brian,

everyone remembers. That's not the main reason why everyone remembers that day. Everyone remembers it because it's the best cookies we've ever had and you just happened to also be in the hospital. What's for dessert? I made Oh, it's probably dumb. you probably guys don't even want to try it hey listen girl we love you but the self-effacing like the self-deprecation it really

just like starts to get old okay whatever fine i made an eaten mess i made an eaten mess he she made a mess no it's a it it's a British kind of pudding. I found it on Bake Off. I was watching Bake Off and they made an eaten mess. And I was like, I have to make that for my friends. It's basically layers of meringue with fruit in between. Isn't there a custard element as well? Yeah, a creme anglaise.

Listen, we are so excited to taste it. Whatever. No, I will say that it's like I'll throw it out No, no, no, don't, don't, don't It's going in the trash Don't, don't, do not throw it out, stop Okay, fine, okay, fine

When we sent out the invites and we said Hey guys, it's a potluck as per usual But this is the theme and we're kind of doing You know, Slavic dishes Like what part, I guess we're wondering, it's like what made you go with eaten mess, which is very much a British dessert. Well, I guess I interpreted it as like,

I interpreted the prompt differently. In what way? I mean, clearly, but like what part of sling your best Slavic stuff wasn't clear enough? You know, I guess i interpreted it as like maybe okay fine fine she folded so quickly you want to know the truth let her talk you want to know the truth yeah i made it i made i made a traditional lithuanian dessert i did oh great and it was so bad i fucked it up so bad that i couldn't bear the thought of making my friends eat it are you happy and so i whipped up this eaten mess whipped it up because i knew i could do it quickly

and i thought maybe my friends would be okay with that. But no, you clearly need to embarrass me and make fun of my terrible cooking. Can we talk in the kitchen for a second? Can we talk in the kitchen, please? Yes. Fine. I'll be right back, you guys. I'm so sorry. Listen.

No, stop. That's the tea towel. That's the hand-washing towel that you're crying into. No, I'm sorry. That's probably really gross. I just the hand-washing towel that you're crying into. No, I'm sorry. That's probably really gross. I just, I want you to know that we weren't trying to embarrass you. It's just, you know how I am. You know, I get an idea in my head, and then if it's literally an ounce different than what I imagined in my head, then for me, it's like, oh, then what was the point?

I know. And, Link, I know you've been, like, saying you were going to work on that. I have. No, i am doing the work but i just want grace because it's like you know it's still a process and so i still at least i'm acknowledging it though it's like that's kind of most of the work already is that i know that that's an issue that i have yeah so you actually have to be nice about it to me. Okay. But so I didn't mean to make you cry. I'm sure the eaten mess will taste great. Are we okay?

I just want to make sure we're okay. I just think things haven't been normal recently between us. I mean, of course they haven't. I don't feel like this is really about the eaten mess. No, after what we saw, after what we did. Are you kidding me? It's never gonna, it's never gonna be normal again. Ian is in the other room. It's never going to be normal again. And so

I'd kindly, politely as I can, ask you to forget about it and move the fuck on. How am I supposed to forget about it? I look at my eaten, I look at my strawberry eaten mess and I see the red of the strawberries and the white of the meringue

and all I can remember is what we did. Stop it. Stop it. I'm just saying, you don't fucking see it. I see it everywhere. I have a palace in my mind. I have many rooms. I take this, what happened, I lock it away,

and that's it. I'm good. I'm gone. What do you fucking do, Houdini? Not all of us are built that way. How about you give it a try? How about you just try? How about you just- I can't. I can't. Stacey, I can't. You're an actor. You like playing pretend. You like playing pretend. What if you pretended like you were someone who didn't commit a heinous crime? Shut up. What if you pretended?

I committed the crime. I committed the crime. What if you pretended? I walked the crime. I committed the crime. What if you pretended? I walked in and you'd already done it. Oh, stop it. Like you didn't, like you weren't glad that I did. I never said I wasn't glad that you did it, but I would never. If you weren't there, I never would have did what we did. But I'm not the one who chopped up the food into pieces.

Shut up. Shut up. Sprinkled it all around the city. Shut up. You made an eaten mess. You made an eaten mess. That's for sure. I made an eaten mess.

That's for sure. I made an eaten mess. No. And what we're not going to do, what we're not going to do is cry about it. What we're not going to do is cry about it. I made a fucking mess. What you're going to do. Slap.

Ah! Pull yourself together. Okay. What you're going to do is you're going to go pull yourself together. Okay. What you're going to do is you're going to go in that room. Okay. You're going to flip a switch in your attitude.

You're going to be so proud of the eat and mess you made and you are not going to, we are never going to say a word about this ever again. Not even to each other. Ever, ever, ever. Okay.

Okay. You're going to go and you're going to serve it to Ian. You're going to look him in the eye. You are going to look him in the eye as you do it. And you're going to serve it to Ian. You're going to look him in the eye. You are going to look him in the eye as you do it. And you're going to say, Happy Thanksgiving, Ian.

And it's going to be normal, okay? Okay. Back to the dining room. Oh, my God. Everything's sorted. Everything's good. This Eaton mess, I think it's going to be the best dessert

we've ever had, guys. Are we excited? Can we celebrate that? Yeah. You guys are really going to love it. So, it's the eaten mess I made. You can really hear the crunch of the meringue as I spoon it out. And the sound of the strawberry compote running over the plate. Keep it together.

Ian, here is your slice. Oh, thank you. I didn't actually know you could do slices of eaten mess. I thought it was just kind of a serving because it doesn't really have a shape that it holds to. It's not really made in any kind of

mold, so when you put the strawberries and the berry compote and the meringue on the plate, it kind of becomes as as you so aptly put it an eaten mess yeah it looks like looks like roadkill what's that nothing um hey from classroom shut the fuck up ian i just wanted to say again what are doing? I was really sorry to hear about what happened. Oh, I appreciate that. You know, everyone's just been walking on eggshells around me, but I feel okay to talk about it at this point.

Well, if you ever want to talk about it with anybody, I'm here. You know what? I think I'd really like that. I actually think I'd like to do it right now. Can we go into the other room? Sure. Everybody dig in. I'm just going to talk to Ian for a sec. What are you doing? Are you okay? Shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. Oh, man. Thank you. I just really needed an outlet to, like, to just grieve.

Of course. Of course. Some days, I feel like it's my fault for what happened. There's no way. There's no way. No, I do. I mean... I mean, have the police... Are they any closer to finding who did it?

They say that the case was running cold for a while, but, and you know how sometimes it's always like on the shows, it's like, it's always the husband. It's always the husband. I know. This time they're like, it's always the son. You know, when my dad went missing, they're like, it couldn't be the wife. She's too nice. But they really zoned in on me, which made me think maybe I killed my dad. No, Ian.

I don't know a lot in this world. I know you did not kill your father. I don't think I did. But like, sometimes it's just like the, you know, the farther they are away from getting somebody did do it, the more it makes me think I did it. I will say, though, that yesterday the detective messaged me and he said, we think we have the person. We think we're getting closer. Oh, really? Yeah.

I thought they never found the body. They didn't find the body. So they can't. But what they did find, they found. You can't try somebody if you never find the body so what they did find they but they found you can't try somebody if you'd ever find the body well what's amazing is that i'm so i'm so bereft over the loss of my father yeah but um they did say we didn't find his body in its entirety but we found it um like really julienned quite nicely around the city which made made me think, wow, they cut up my, whoever did this, cut up my dad into neat strips, like a carrot.

Whoever did it must have been a pretty good cook. Yeah. They made kind of an eaten mess of him, though. Are you okay? Yeah. Yeah. Sorry. I've been having an ulcer recently.

You've been having an ulcer? Stress-related, of course. Oh, gosh. Listen to me. Going on and on about my brutally murdered father. Anyway, what's new with you? Not much. I've been trying to get back into polo.

Water or horse? Bike. But I... um, Ian, I just want to say, like, you've always been the best friend. From the whole group, I always knew that I could rely on you to tell me the truth.

I know. And I'm going to tell you something right now. Okay. A hard truth. Okay. A truth you maybe don't want to hear no i think i know what you're gonna say you do and while i also have that same carnal attraction i think it would just make it weird in the group if we were to i'm gonna have to politely decline no that's not what i was Oh, okay I'm sure you weren't Good thing I let you down easy I wasn't Yeah, okay

Do you feel like carnal attraction to me? I can be a gentleman and I can say Yeah, no, that wasn't what you were gonna say I'm like covered in snot and eating mass What were you gonna say? That wasn't how you wanted Let me Finger you in the pantry wait you found

me attractive even though i look like this and you wanted to force i do me in the pantry wait yeah ian i've never thought of you that way but oh yeah sure you haven't no ian literally never once and like most of the time i, but not with you for some reason. I've literally never thought about that. Oh, yeah, I'll be a gentleman. I'll let you keep denying it. What were you going to say that wasn't that? Um.

No, you're right. It was that. Really? Yeah, have a good rest of your night, Ian. Wait, so are you going to let me finger you in the closet or no? Over, under? Probably, yeah, by the end of the night. I thought you were going to say that you killed my dad

and chopped him up into little tiny pieces and threw him all around the county like confetti. But that would be crazy. Um, yeah. That would be... How would you feel if I told you I did? I guess I'd be confused. Like, what did my dad ever do to anybody? What if I told you I did? I guess I'd be confused Like, what did my dad ever do to anybody? What if I told you he was a piece of shit? What? What if I told you that

He was having an affair with Stacy No He was cheating on your mother with Stacy Stacy got pregnant And he was threatening her. And she did what she had to do. It was all happening in the blink of an eye. And I just walked in.

And it was already done when I walked in. And of course I was going to help her fight it. I mean, Stacey and I were roommates freshman year of college. And what, I'm going to let her go now? Well, I guess if all of that were true, then that'd be a pretty crazy story. But you wouldn't be mad? I would be very upset and mad. You wouldn't go to the cops though, right?

I would absolutely go to the police, tell them everything I knew, and make sure that you two were put away for life. But good thing that didn't happen. Good thing it's not. How about... Can we get to the real dessert so much for finger food oh I don't like you anymore no because of the finger food

that was really visceral in a way that I did not enjoy visceral you wanted to finger me in the pantry that's not visceral we didn't have to talk about it like that. You're weird. You have some weird sex stuff. It's like willing to finger me in public, like at a party, but not willing to talk about it.

Just weird. Just weird behavior. Did you kill my dad yesterday? No. Maybe. You're willing to finger me in public, but you don't want to talk about weird boundary to draw should we do our last segment i think we should do it okay let's get crazy on it and do it this shook me they shook me They shook me all week long.

Do you want to start us off with What's Shaking You, Darling? Do you want to say what's shaking? Do you want... Maybe that should be the new song. Okay, bye. Do you want to say what's shaking? What if we recorded like an acapella one? Like we played the drop every time. This has been shaking me all week long.

Okay, David Bowie. It's like David Byrne and David Bowie had an AI baby. Put me in the middle of that David sandwich. This has been shaking me all week long. If you'll find yourself live on Mars. I don't know, man. I'm out of juice. Do you want me to start?

I have something that's shaking me. Then do it. Why would you even ask if I have one, if you had one? I want to be polite. I'm a lady. Just do it. So. Alfred. Riley. I guess we're saying each other's names now. Peter!

Peter! So, I famously, not famously, I'm on antibiotics because I've had a rash on my skin, on my face. And so the only way to fully get rid of it forever is to go on antibiotics for a couple weeks. Now, this antibiotic has very specific instructions about what I can and can't eat with it and how often to have it each day and like how many hours to take it apart from other things, whatever, whatever. One of the main things I can't have is dairy. So I'm dairy free and gluten free for a couple weeks. And usually I have a little bit of 2% or half and half in my coffee but oh oh can't do that for a little bit so you know what i did you know what i did i never shop at air one

the one thing oh my god that i'm getting from air one what are you getting and it's so fucking delicious i think even when i can have dairy again, I'm going to keep getting this. Is there vanilla almond milk? Not you being Air One pill. No, no, no. It is the only, like Air One is so wildly expensive. Like I cannot justify any other purchases, but their house pressed almond milk

with vanilla, specifically the vanilla, the regular one is good too, but the vanilla almond milk tastes like a fucking milkshake. There's only almonds, pink salt, dates, and vanilla extract. And that's it. And it is so fucking good. I drink that shit straight from the bottle. And I have to stop myself and be like, well, whoa, save it for your coffee. Save for your coffee what a delicious breakfast one sausage and a glass of almond milk no it is it is so good it is so good i want i like i literally think about it like i literally like i was at work

i was working from the office the other day instead of at home and i was like damn i can't wait till tomorrow morning when i can have my coffee with that vanilla almond milk. I mean, I'm kind of happy for you, but that is grim. Listen, you got to find the little things in life to enjoy. It's the little things. So yeah, so the vanilla almond milk from Erewhon is unparalleled and also very expensive. But it's worth it. How expensive is it? Just say the number now.

For one like bottle, and by bottle I mean like it looks like a bottle of like green juice you'd get from somewhere. It's like the size of like a naked juice. Maybe a little bigger. I think 16 ounces you could make your own nut milk did you know that yes but what i'm saying is like that's why it's like that's why i have to stop myself when i'm like sipping it i'm like no no no no no slow down slow slow slow slow put it in the coffee that's ten dollars and so i need to make it last as long as i possibly can but that's why i cannot fucking go to air one no like you know not the air one thing or the milk thing but like sometimes you have a special treat and you want to make it last. Yes.

And it's like, cause I've had air, I've had almond milk from like other, like I don't drink almond milk a lot, but other ones I've had, it's just like, there's a lot of like certain things in it just to make it last longer. And like,

I taste it and like, Oh, this tastes like oil. This tastes like, you know, I was famously a vegan throwback. Um, and I was vegan at a time before oat milk had entered the scene um and so

your choices were almond water or soy milk insane and i was a soy milk guy i would drink soy milk and i had soy milk in something for the first time in genuinely probably a decade the other day and i was like oh this is vile yeah i was like it's so thick it's just like thick and it has such a distinct like taste yes but like at least almond milk doesn't really taste like anything but soy milk it's like a beverage it is it is i remember in like the early 2000s like soy brand like that was like the soy like soy ice cream i remember i would used to eat soy ice cream when i was vegan had some soy ice cream recently disgusting disgusting i will say the one thing i don't like about all milk is that it separates really quickly in coffee like well

yes that's because of the acid yes but uh anyway the vanilla almond milk it's milk, it's one of those little simple joys. And by simple, I mean expensive joys. But it's just one thing that I'm like, yeah, I will keep doing that. That is one thing that I will treat myself to because I literally think about it all day. We're going to record another episode right after this. Okay, peek behind the curtain. Peek behind the curtain. We're gonna record another episode right after this. Okay, peek behind the curtain. We're batching today and I'm gonna make

another coffee with that almond milk in between episodes because it's gonna be amazing. It's gonna be amazing and I'm gonna show you on camera. I'm gonna show you what it fucking looks like, how small the bottle is. I'm gonna fucking yell. What's been shaking your ass? The rat hole. Oh yes, shaking your ass? The rat hole.

Oh, yes. Have you been? I have been. I'm so jealous. I was picking up a couch in Logan Square. Everybody knows. I'm so jealous. And I was driving back to my apartment. I'll talk to myself. And to get from Logan Square to my apartment, I have to drive through

Roscoe Village, which is where the rat hole is. And I was like, you know what? Let's's stop let's take a peek and we did and it was a crowd of like the most fucking gen z people you've ever seen being like the rat hole and like yeah it was i loved it and then an elderly couple walked through and they were laughing their asses off because they live on the street and they were like it's been here for 20 years wow and i was like wow that's amazing that you know that and then another elderly couple walked through and they looked so fucking angry that all these young people were on their street making noise and i was like interesting the parallel you know what i mean it's like which

old couple do you want to be you know what i mean yeah do you and daniel want to be the old couple that are like oh the young people they've discovered the rat hole or do you want to be the old people that are like angry that young people exist right you know it was just an and for those of you who don't know what the rat hole i was gonna say can you please tell them what the rat hole i just can't believe I'm just talking about this. Like, it's basically, there's a street in Chicago where there's an imprint in the cement of what looks to be a rat. Although there's some discussion that maybe it's actually a squirrel hole. But, you know, I'm a rat hole truther.

I want to believe it's a rat. It is a rat. And people become obsessed with it. It's full of change. People have thrown so much loose change. There's pictures. Someone got married there. It is a rat. And people become obsessed with it. It's full of change. People have thrown so much loose change. There's pictures. Someone got married there. Someone got married there.

There's been another proposal there. There are like crosses made out of cheese around it. It's very odd. It's very, very odd. But I do love it. I love that. It's one of the things that makes me glad. Because it all also happened the week that it was like minus 10 degrees here

you know what I mean that it like blew up and I like I love that about Chicago you know what I mean that's my Chicago community you know what I mean that's community the Chicago that's like yeah it's actually dangerous to be outside for more than 15 minutes but I'm gonna cut up a cheese stick and put it on the ground

and I love that and I love Chicagoago and i and i will be moving soon but uh it's too fucking cold i hate it here i i i look at every year i'm waiting i'm waiting i know i know i looked at the forecast uh yesterday and it was like oh cloudy for oh the entire 10 days okay there's not a single moment of sunshine for the next 10 days that's awesome it's been raining here in the past couple days and yesterday it's like now it's beautiful and sunny and it was like 70 degrees.

It was, I'm like, oh, I've never been happier. Oh, I've never been happier. It's like, maybe I would,

maybe my depression would go away. Anyway, we have to end this up. this episode is so long. This episode is so long. You can find Alpha on Instagram at

AlfredInnit. You can find the show on Instagram at ReviewReview. ReviewReview Discord and Jeff and I have a Patreon. Patreon.com slash

Riley and Jeff. And you can find Riley on Instagram.com just the web browser and Jeff and I have a Patreon page on dot com slash Riley and Jeff and you can find Riley on Instagram dot com just the web browser another phone app at Riley and spa and on Twitter dot com for as long as it lasts as I formerly

known as X as I love as long as it lasts at Riley coyote and as we say every single week we're always saying it or never not saying it Smith

Bob Hagen Bob Bob Christmas Christmas Bahagen Bahagen Bahagen Bye Christmas Bahagen Bahagen Bye Christmas Bahagen

Bahagen That was a HeadGum Podcast