Review Revue - Jellycat

Episode Date: March 5, 2024

Reilly and Alf create strange professor fan-fiction and read reviews on Jellycat!>>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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Don't you think it's time I let you know The podcast that is my favorite show Review, review is the one I seek I want to listen every week I'm a podcat Yeah I like to listen at work In the discord is where I lurk Mail the show beyond Bob hit

Or a snowman building kit Then when the show is done I think What's next and I know I'm a podcat Because I like it And I know I'm a podcat Because I listen Listen every week Listen every week.

Listen every week. Listen every week. Listen every week. And I know I'm a podcast because I listen. Yeah! Listen right now! I love that one so much! What did you just say?

I love that one so much. Tyler, what did you just say? I love that one so much. That tracks. I love that. That was from Tyler. I'm disappointed in you, Tyler. Tyler goes, dear Alvin Riley, I wrote and recorded most of this before you guys asked for non-copyright material.

I didn't want this to join the theme song graveyard along with Alf wears the sunglasses inside and Jeff is out. Parodies of Sunglasses at Night by Corey Hart and Black Me Out by Against Me that are rotting in my desk drawer. So here we are. My take on the Descendants pervert turned into podcast. Riley probably prefers the subject matter of the original. But I think Alf would agree it is at best a little misogynistic. We all know what a

meninist riley is yeah the timing is off the vocals are rough and the instruments are property of epitaph records enjoy or do what i do when i have a theme song come up and hit skip a couple times best tyler the untalented tyler that's one of my favorite theme songs that ever you see that's really interesting um if there if you those of you at home don't know the song pervert by the i don't know this yeah i'm gonna go ahead and say don't look it up okay it's free because i think tyler's saying it's a little misogynistic is uh maybe underselling it because i love this region so i don't know what what the i don't want to know what the other one sounds like. I have that same cup that you just spilled.

Alf just, oh my. No, it's a podcast. You don't have to tell them. You don't have to tell them. Alf just lifted a cup to his lip. Even try

to put the water in his mouth. It just all tumbled out. on my chin. What was that? Stuck my chimney out, like the crimson chimney from fairly odd parents. What was that? And I just poured it on myself.

On purpose? But you have this, no, by accident. Do you have this cup? He's holding up like a cup that's a BU, Boston University cup. I have that same cup.

I drink out of that almost every day. Yes, same one. Before they redesigned the Terrier. They redesigned the Terrier? Yeah, back when he still looked fucked up. I didn't know. Wait. Oh, is it like the weird cartoon? Yeah. It looks like really happy? Yes.

It's like joyful. Oh, yeah. No, I don't like that. He's like happy to be alive. Whereas the current VMAs that you can see on his face, he goes- That's not Rhett. I'll just say that's not the Rhett I know. He goes, $70,000 for this? What the fuck?

For those of you who don't know, Alf and I went to Boston University, and the mascot is a Boston Terrier. And at BU, they had an old, old.i.p terrier named ret he died and he was the mascot who would walk around school and it just it looked he'd be like kill me like he was just a mess i mean boston terriers fit squarely into that camp of like dogs i love and think are adorable and I cannot feel anything other than the deepest sympathy for their existence you know sure sure sure sure that's how I feel about French bulldogs I love a French bulldog and also wish they didn't exist because it's so sad yeah pugs yes you know what's new with you by the way speaking of pugs riley i've got some bad news

is it cold there if you listened to i think the episode with matt apodaca uh which if you haven't listened if you haven't turn this shit off and listen to that one because that one was good um i might have confessed on that show that i had stopped drinking coffee you're back well i got some bad news for you well what was it what did it for about an hour ago oh shit this is very recent i fell off the wagon oh my god alfred and i did and i drank a bottle of wine i did have a coffee tonic um espresso tonic um which is sounds foul tonic water iced with espresso that sounds fucking disgusting a little bit of pomegranate fig syrup um so kind of a ew it's delicious darling you don't know what you're talking about nasty it's delicious

what are you on about it's delicious delicious. It's incredibly refined. Ew. Was your heart racing? Did you have a heart attack? Oh, I didn't have a heart attack, but I did, I think, cardiac arrest. Okay. No, I feel, I feel, I feel, I feel, I dreamed a dream of times gone by. No, I don't feel great. I don't feel right.

I feel wrong. I feel wrong. You don't feel great. I don't feel right. I feel wrong. I feel wrong. I don't feel right. I feel very, very, very energized because I was sleepy, sleepy, sleepy before. And now I'm shaky, twitchy. You're wakey, but shaky. I'm wakey. I'm eggs and bakey. Let's get into it. How are you? I had a cold brew. I was really tired today.

I had a cold brew, and then I just had a tummy ache, and it did not affect my energy levels at all. The tummy ache. And you can't help but think that it's because I have now an intolerance to caffeine. Which is boring. That's where I was. I took a tea break, though, and I'm back. I feel fucking crazy. Yeah, I may need to. I don't's where I was. I took a tea break, though, and I'm back. I feel fucking crazy. Yeah, I may need to.

I don't know if I can. Because hot coffee in the morning. This is so boring. Fuck it. Let's get into it. Hot coffee. Hot coffee makes me energized. Something I am really looking forward to, though, is tonight. Oh, wait, no.

Hold on. I'm going to save that for my what shook me. That was insane insane it's all over my pants i didn't notice it right now you pissed yourself it literally looks that was in the water you pissed yourself oh that's right i'm pissing myself um you so because you can't see this zoom everybody um alf poured water on himself and i'll address the elephant in the room i'm wearing a breathe right strip on my nose because you know what happened to me? I can't even see it. Because it's a clear one.

I apparently have a deviated septum. So that's what's new with me is that I went to an ENT doctor to check out my TMJ. How many more letters can I put in a sentence? I went to the EMT to get my TMJ looked at. A lot of clicking, a lot of pain in the ear and my jaw. Your jaw clicks. And, oh, big time, it locks. to the EMT to look at my TMJ looked at a lot of clicking, a lot of pain in the ear and

my jaw. Your jaw clicks. And oh, big time. It locks. It locks. It locks? Crack it. Oh, yeah.

I have to crack it. No, it's like really bad. And then sometimes my ears will just muffle and ring. And I'm like, I need to. It's like Charlie Brown. Like, I'm like, this is I should see someone about. Holy fuck. Yeah.

So I go to the doctor. How did your hypochondriac ass wait until now to go to a doctor? Because I'm like, it's probably fine. That? I know. No. Once the ears started ringing, that's when I'm like, oh, I should see something about this.

But anyway, he was like, stop drinking so much caffeine. It makes you clench your jaw, which leads to more TMJ. Probably true. I've stopped chewing gum which is really hard for me because i love chewing gum um but he was like breathing he's like he's like do you sleep with your mouth open and i'm like uh no like i i i don't think i snore like all the stuff he goes do you wake up with drool on your pillow no i'm sorry i have to cut you off because i did ultimately hear the story about this before and you're leaving out a crucial detail.

Oh yeah. I say, well, I know I go to sleep with my mouth closed. You say, no, I don't think I sleep with my mouth open. It's definitely closed when I go to sleep. But anyway, then he goes, take a breath in. What the fuck? And I do. And then he looks in my nose

and then he's like, hold on one second. He takes a, like a breathing, like a nose strip, puts it on my nose. And then he goes like hold on one second he takes a like a breathing like a nose strip puts it on my nose and then he goes now take a deep breath and you know those videos of like deaf babies getting hearing aids and hearing their parents for the first time grandpa gets the sea with color glasses for the first time and he can see that is what it felt like and he goes did you know that you have a deviated septum? And I said, well, I sure fucking do now. This feels amazing. Like, that is what it feels like to breathe normal.

And he's like, yeah, you have nothing to compare it to. Like, you have a deviated septum. Do you think it's from, like, what? Like, your MMA period? Well, yeah. I mean, it's, like, from my time being in the cage. But I didn't think that that was a lot. Again, I had nothing to compare it to. So it was probably deviated before i got in the cage i don't think it probably was i saw some

of those fights you got hit in the head a lot so that's been blowing my mind i i slept with one on last night best sleep of my life best sleep is that true life yes that sucks it's crazy and so because i am maybe gonna get a surgery do you know what's crazy. I'm so sorry. And so I am maybe going to get a surgery later this year. Do you know what's crazy? We had this conversation yesterday. I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was- Did you know that 80% of people have a deviated septum and don't know? You said that to me because I couldn't fall asleep last night because I was Googling how

to know if you have a deviated septum. Oh. You managed to infect me with hypochondria, but I think I might have a deviated septum. Well, mama, infect me with hypochondria but i think i might have a deviated septum well mama go get a breathing strip how do i know go to a doctor get a breathing strip see if it affects what if i just do this um but i'm probably gonna get the surgery can i do it this year too can you do it can you get the surgery no can i do oh can you do the surgery on me doesn't look't look that hard. I watched a video of it. I don't think it looks that hard. I don't want

my nose to look different. I asked my doctor and he goes, no, not if it's the right person. It wouldn't if I do it. I don't believe that. Just a hammer and a chisel and give you a couple taps. Get that straightened right out. It's like Eno in Spongebob when he's trying to make a perfect sculpture

and he just taps it once and all of the marble falls. That is my septum straightened right out. It's like Eno in SpongeBob when he's trying to make a perfect sculpture and he just taps it once and all of the marble falls. That is my septum straightening surgery skill on display. You know what I would want going into surgery? It's like a nice little comfort thing to hold as the anesthesia puts me under. Chauncey, if you will. Chauncey, if you will. Look it up. But if it's not Chauncey, because I don't want to take him to the hospital, I would want something nice and squishy and soft.

He doesn't like hospitals? Hates hospitals. Yeah. Hates hospitals. Because of the incident. Well, because it's like he and I went to the cage together one time. Right. And it got really intense.

And he got fucked up. Yeah. But you got hit in the head a lot. Yeah, right. That guy was pulp. Like, I won, but I did not make it out unscathed. I'll tell you that. Psychologically, I don't know if you ever recovered.

No. God, no. We're talking about jelly cats today. A jellicle cat is a jellicle cat. A jellicle cat is a jellicle cat. I learned about jelly cats on a little indie app called TikTok. What is that? It's a little video.

It's like Vine. Oh, I might be into that. Jelly cats are... So Elizabeth Valenti, friend of the pod and of life, and I tried to explain jelly cats and squishmallows to Daniel Rashid. And Daniel looked at... He goes, why do I feel like I'm talking to two five-year-olds?

What the fuck is it? Daniel, you don't fucking get it, dude. And Jellycat, they just look so soft and so great. They're stuffed animals. They're toys. They are ultimately toys for kids. Yeah, they're like if Beanie Babies were fun to hold. Exactly.

And I have been really wanting, I don't have any, but I bought one for Irene Walton because she has a whole deviled egg series. And so I found a little deviled egg key chain. Oh, that's cute. Go check out her deviled egg series. She's doing a deviled egg inspired by every state in America. So many.

I know. I really want a capybara one. Why so? Because I love a capybara and it's really cute. Have you ever seen one? And not in real life. I really want a capybara one why so uh because i love a capybara and it's really cute have you ever seen one and not in real life i really want we can make that happen i want to so i there is one and all last month it was like oh sold out restock in march this morning okay it is friday march 1st i open my phone go to the website it says back in April you're fucking lying and I'm like

you've gotta be fucking joking and so Daniel thinks what happened is that it's like they're just still out of stock but I'm like

I don't think so I think people you think they sold out like that people are rabid for these people collect these like nobody's business

they are incredibly popular do you have one no do you want one yes what one do you want what is your experience with jelly cats a jelly cat well when i first met bomblarina um no i uh do you think that's why they're called no they're not that's just because they're squishy like jelly yes they're squishy like

what did you just say they're squishy like jelly i saw a rat yesterday did you know that did you know that i saw it right like jelly did you know that did you know that um i forgot about the rat thing jesus christ um uh i i have held one i have a jelly cat yes um they're very soft i liked liked it. They're squishy like jelly. Did you know that? They're squishy like jelly. Did you know that? And I really do want one now.

Reading the reviews and every single one was like, this cured my anxiety. I love it so much. And there's such a wide variety. Yes. I was expecting to be like, you know, you got your basic dog, your cat. You can get a bowl of blueberry oatmeal. They are not. You can get a lock.

They are not your granddad's stuffed animals. I'll tell you that much. I had a beautiful, when I was a baby. Bowl of oatmeal. When I was a beautiful baby, when I was a beautiful bouncing baby boy. When I was a beautiful baby. Did you know that? And let me tell you, I was a beautiful baby.

Did you know that? I was a gorgeous baby. I was a gorgeous, bald baby. I was a gorgeous baby boy did you know that i had let me tell you i was a beautiful baby did you know i was a gorgeous baby i was a gorgeous bald baby and gorgeous baby did you know that did you guys know i was a i was i was a beautiful baby did you know that and uh beautiful beautiful beautiful i was a beautiful boy starring steve carell and logan lerman is that right? No. No. Steve, beautiful boy. Timothee Chalamet. Timothee Chalamet.

No, Logan Lerman was in Boy Erased. Del Dizine. The wickedly talented Jellicle Cat. No, I, what the fuck was I even fucking saying? When you were a baby. When I was a beautiful bouncing baby boy,

I had a stuffed animal. Little pooch, pooch, imagine. Dog had a stuffed animal Little pooch pooch Imagine Dog Little dog Little poochie poochie A little dog Blonde You know very

Like sort of a sandy golden retriever puppy Yeah Do you know what my name for it was? Doggy Ginger puppy Fucker wasn't ginger I'll tell you that much Fucker was not he was as

fucking blonde as they come ginger puppy looked like a scarsguard twin ginger puppy ginger puppy what the fuck was I on ginger puppy is a cute name I mean wrong color but cute name I don't know what happened to him I think he might have

died I think we might have put him down did you I mean you had Chauncey obviously Chauncey of course I don't know what happened to him. I think he might have... Died. I think we might have put him down. Did you... I mean, you had Chauncey, obviously. Chauncey. Of course. Do you... Do you feel like... Do I still sleep with Chauncey?

I know that. I already knew the answer to that. Do you have a Squish Kit Cat? What are they called? Jelly Cat, not Squish Milo. Not Squish Milo. Jelly Cat. I don't't that's what

i'm saying i want the do you think trancy would get jealous here's the thing i love having a little thing okay timeline okay we're if all goes well we're getting a dog later this year at the end of the year thank you so once we have our little stinker, that's who I'm going to cuddle. But until then, I need a squishy little soft guy to cuddle. Yeah. But then what are you going to do? Chauncey is just too precious. He's just so old. It's like hugging your grandma.

You're worried that if you hug him too hard, he's going to fall apart. And so I do want a nice little squishy little thing and um I want the capybara one but I feel like only for nine months and then what you chuck it away once the dog arrives no I'm not gonna chuck it it'll whatever it'll be great so defensive what the fuck

it's because it's like I don't I'm never gonna be wasting I'm not gonna be like tossing the stuffed animal it's gonna be cute and it's gonna to live in my home. And you think you would stop at just one? Because I've seen, I've known people where it's like, no,

cause they're expensive. You walk into their house and it's like collection. No, I have seen videos. It's like there is a Greek chorus looking back at you. People on TikTok are like, I collect these or whatever. They're expensive.

I'm like, yeah, what is this? Six figures? Where is this coming from? How are you? It's wild. I'm like, yeah, what is this, six figures? Where is this coming from? How are you? It's wild.

But all that being said, should we take a little break and go squish a little guy? Yeah. I would really prefer it if you didn't call going to the bathroom. Well, we're going to take. Sorry, guys. I'm just going to go squish a little guy. No, don't worry. Don't worry. That's fucking foul. Yeah, if she comes back, tell. I'm just going to go squish a little guy. No, don't worry. Don't worry.

That's fucking foul. Yeah, if she comes back, tell her I'll have the grilled salmon. Okay, I'm just going to go squish a little guy. We'll be right back once we squish little guys

and then we'll read reviews for Jellycats. And we're back with the Jellicle Cat. A Jellicle Cat. Alf, do you want to start us off with a Jellicle Cat? No, I would prefer it if you did. But I can't. No, I can.

I can. Seriously, no, I will. You never do. I know. That's because I like to let women speak first. No, you don't. Famously. Famously. Yeah, you like to let them speak first so that you can be like, um, actually.

And then, yeah. Yeah, that's so true. That's literally what I'm like. That's so true. That's so you. Jelly little cat. This is for jelly cat. Bashful dragon.

Oh. Stuffed animal. Kind of cheeky. Medium. 12 inches. 12 inches is a medium if that's me. That's a medium? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I'd hate to see it. I would say that's actually... I'd hate to see it large. Well, I don't get no respect. What if I... Happens to Megatroy. What if I started doing a rodney dangerfield impression for the whole rest of it my son come home my son comes home the other day he says to me no i'm not doing

that i'm not doing that you sound like top cat in many many ways okay this is from top cats a jelly cat uh do you think top cats a bottom okay this is for do you think top cats an angelical cat? Do you think Angelical cat Angelical cat An evangelical cat An evangelical Evangelical cat Evangelical cat Have you heard the good news? Oh what about it? What about it?

Have you heard the good news? Have you met my friend? Have you met my friend? Jesus Christ Oh I don't get no respect Okay

This is from Nope The username is from Nope. The username is Nope. Nope. Nope. Nope. No. Uh-oh.

Nope. Pants. No shoes. No service. No pants. No shoes. No service. But get in here, you shirtless freaks.

Yeah, so the last name is is ants no shoes no service first name no nope oh no first name is nope ants no shoes no service wow that's beautiful thank you one star oh shit verified dragon verified purchase though so you know it's okay but it's for bashful dragon it's one star medium bashful dragon 12 inches he's sort of a just to picture it in your mind he's sort of a a uh a very uh delicate sort of pastel coral green what if you're like well he's sort of like a very bashful dragon if you now just picture this in your mind he's like it's kind of hard to describe he's like 12 inches medium bashful dragon if you now just picture this in your mind he's like it's kind of hard to describe

he's like 12 inches medium bashful and a dragon if you can believe that he's like a dragon yeah but he's like a nice light green coral color light green and coral yeah a nice light green coral color is what you said i'm meaning no know what the fuck I'm meaning. No, I don't, because that's not the same thing. Coral is pink. Are you saying light green and Alfred? What? That's a green dragon. Yes, but coral colored. What the fuck are you? Look up the color coral right now.

Several means seven. Oh, no. Coral is pink. Oh, no, you're right. Coral is pink. Coral is pink. What am I thinking of? What am I thinking of?

I don't know. What's coral? Coral. Coral. It's What am I thinking of? What am I thinking of? I don't know. What's coral? Coral. Coral. It's like, but you know, it's the color of coral. No, it's not. You're thinking of seaweed, my love. Sea, sea.

No, but it's not seaweed. That's such a dark green. It's like a- Kelp? You think coral is- You know what it is? You know what it is? You know what it is?

You know why I got muddled? It's a seafoam green. It's a seafoam green. It's another aquatic color. Yes, coral. I don't know what I was thinking. It's a seafoam green. Very light, very delicate,

very warm, inviting, neutral. Very bashful. Very bashful, very 12 inches medium. Fucking Christ. Gonna pull pulling teeth trying to read this review you know what i mean i'm just trying to teach you colors and one day i'm gonna learn it is not ginger puppy i've been struggling since day one with this shit ginger puppy coral green ginger puppy to coral green This fucker does not know colors That's unbelievable And I'm not colorblind

I've taken a test online many many times Because I'm like I must be And it's all gray so I know I'm not colorblind You know what's interesting about that I used to have a couch that was gray 100% gray Every person that came to my apartment Oh it's on the green couch

Excuse me? My couch is gray Everyone thought it was green So you are colorblind Well and one star From no pants no shoes, no service and I'm going to do

an accent and it's going to become apparent why won't save them from breaking up won't save them from breaking up with you brought her this turns out she cheated on me with a guy from uni that's where I did the me With a guy from uni That's right I did the accent

With a guy from uni She'd been there for less than two months Said she wasn't getting enough attention from me Smiley face What? Brought her this Turns out she cheated on me With a guy from uni

She'd been there less than two months so she wasn't getting enough attention from me smiley face yeah smiley face is really terrifying i think it's kind of like a she said she wasn't getting enough attention from me hmm makes you think yeah i guess she uh wasn't getting enough attention from me so she says so I got her a bashful dragon so I bashed her head in sorry so what's the timeline he

okay he brought her this and then it turned out though that she cheated on him with a guy from uni. Yes, no, I got all that. She'd been there for less than two months. I understand.

I'm wondering if he brought, I'm wondering if, like, he bought this, brought it to her, and then while he was giving it to her, like, on that trip, he realized, oh, she's been cheating on me. Right, and I think, if we really dig into the text, the most devastating part of it is the subject line which was won't

save them from breaking up with you and i did ultimately forget right so it's like yeah she cheated on you you brought her this dragon yeah if it was after the fact? To be like, was this when you're back? And then she breaks up with you. It's like, my friend. Again. No pants, no shoes, no service. You should have broken up with her when you found out that she cheated on you

with a guy from uni. Simon, I really wish that you had called before coming all the way out here. Well, you said you liked big gestures, so here I am. I do, but it's just not a great time. Okay, you know, sorry, should I have checked your Google calendar before I planned my big romantic gesture?

Well, it's just like, you know, I would have appreciated a little bit of notice. There's stuff that's happened, conversations I wanted to have, and I didn't want it to go down like this. I thought you'd be happy to see me. It's been two months. I thought you'd be happy to see me. I... It's been two months. I thought it would be two.

It's been two months. A lot can happen in two months, Simon. Yeah. Especially when you're at uni and all. Yeah. I've been calling it that. I can't quite figure out why. It's what they call it over in England. Right. But we're in Sitka.

Alaska. Why are you talking about england it doesn't matter i just simon i i don't want to waste your time and i certainly don't want to waste mine come back to bed darling who is that hey it's it's nobody simon can i come in is there someone in there with you simon simon please just stay at the door. Simon, please stay at the door. I just want to cut to the chase right now. You are amazing. You have been nothing but kind and loving and supportive and just all around fantastic. But I, we have to break up.

I think we should break up. And we are officially broken up now. I just did it. So travel safe and thank you for everything. No, you, seriously, Garf. I just did it. So travel safe and thank you for everything. Seriously, Garf, we have been together through all of high school, okay? Through everything. I went to college in Juneau for you. I got into Harvard, but I came out here for you.

But I told you not to go. I told you not to. I said do not change schools because of me. Go to Harvard. I did came out here for you. But I told you not to go. I told you not to. I said do not change schools because of me. Go to Harvard. I did tell you that. You said that, but it was clear you didn't really feel that. Listen, all of that to say is I'm sorry for everything. And thank you for everything.

And you really, really need to go now. Okay. Okay. Well, it's a three-hour drive back to Juneau, and... It's pretty late. You're not staying here. Then where am I gonna... If that's what you...

Then where am I gonna stay? Shit. Okay, you can stay on the couch, but don't even think about coming into the bedroom, okay? What? Okay. Why would I- Why are you surprised? Because you just broke up with me and you think I'm gonna, like, sneak into your bedroom?

I don't know. I thought you might think, like, well, it's two of us here alone. I don't know. This is a crazy day. I will be alone if I come in there. It's just going to be you and me. If I go in there, I, I did not say that. You. Okay.

I don't want to. Why would you say that? It's such a strange thing to say. I swear. I heard. It doesn't matter. I, I just want you to know.

That these were the best four years of my life. It's downhill for me from here. Oh, stop. And you don't need to say it back. That's not fair. No, I'm serious. It doesn't need to be that for you. It does not need to be that for you. Do you hear the position that that puts me in of you being like, oh, this is the best

now. It's all downhill from here. Ironic. You can't put that on me ironic what's ironic about that spend four years saying i don't talk about my feelings enough i finally fucking share something with you and all of a sudden but you but it's so manipulative that's so manipulative yes it is you saying it's all downhill from here because of me you know what fine i'll admit it there is someone else here are you serious?

Yes. Because we are not together anymore, so I can be... Well, we're not together. You could have called before I left. I rented a car. You could have called me to tell me you were coming. I'm sorry? I am not the villain in this. You cheated on me, is what you're telling me.

Yes. And you're trying to make me the villain. And yet, I'm the manipulative one. I'm not trying to make you the villain. I'm not trying to make you. No one can make anyone be anything. Garf, I know you're pre-law, but you're pretty shit at this.

What I'm trying to do is be honest with you. You being in behavioral therapy studies, you should understand that I am really doing my best to be honest. Honesty is the best policy, right? And yes, could I have been honest with you when I've been sleeping with Roger

for six months? Of course I could have been. Oh, and he has a name. Of course I could have been. Of course he has a name. Just keeps getting worse. I am sorry. I am genuinely, I'm sorry that your feelings are hurt, but I'm not sorry I did it.

You're serious. Are you serious? You're not sorry you had. I'm not sorry. And I'm going to call it an is, an affair. I am not sorry about the affair. I know I'm 19, but it's an affair. Because we were together for four years.

I have never felt more like a woman than i do now oh give me a break with this you are what you are great and our relationship was great for what it was for high school transitioning into college it was it was a very sweet work. We were kids. We were kids. And now I'm in uni. And I'm getting my back blown. I don't need to know that Gar. Listen, it's getting late. Just come in, stay on the couch and then just leave first thing in the morning. Okay. Okay. Can we talk about i just don't want you to no we're done i don't want you to be intimidated by roger because he is a capital m man okay that yeah that's and he's just like it just makes me feel bashful if that makes sense i guess yes it does make sense i am frustrated with you of course you are i have of course if you would let me get a word out i have pretty clearly i think outlined that i feel like you had an affair that you were really unfair to me and yet you are

telling me about how fun it is to be with this other man and how he makes you feel bashful I think that if you actually care about me which I do you would be happy that I'm happy I am no longer in love with you and I am and I have not been since I got here

that could have been communicated you literally didn't tell me you were coming. We've been talking on the phone every day. Oh, so now I'm the villain. Yes. Oh, so now I'm... Very much.

Remember Borat? Our first date? Of course I remember Borat. We went to the Red Box. Of course. Pulled out Borat. Of course. No, we had some amazing times, but we were children then, and now I am a woman.

I just... I would have changed my whole personality for you. It's too late for that. Do you want to meet Roger or not? I don't know what's weirder, meeting him or not, so I guess it's up to him. I think... Okay, you know what? We'll put the ball guess it's up to him. I think, okay, you know what? We'll put the ball in Roger's court.

I am sorry. I am genuinely sorry for hurting you. I mean that so sincerely. Doesn't feel like it, but fine. I have no choice but to take you at your word. Well, come on in, Simon. Thank you. Couch is here, obviously.

I'll be right back. I'm going to get you a pillow and blanket for the night. I knew you were going to talk to Roger, presumably. I'm just going to grab a pillow and a blanket. Okay. You just wait here. I think we should meet. No, I'm saying that.

Okay. Well, why don't I bring him out? You two can talk while I go get the pillow and blanket. No, I think you should have a one-on-one conversation with him and see if he wants to come out. Because it feels weird for me. I think that I should not be in the room when you two meet. That's fine, but at least introduce us. It's going to be so weird if he just walks out here.

That's fair. And I'm just sitting here and he's like, who the fuck is this? No, okay, okay okay i'll be right back okay hey raj hello funky monkey stop funkle the munkle what's up darling oh my god stop you know how that gets me listen so you know i told you i had a boyfriend and you said I don't care about that. Absolutely. I did break up with him, but he is here and spending the night and he wants to meet you. Menage a trois.

No, nothing like that. He's staying on the couch, strictly on the couch. All right. But I'm going to get a pillow and blanket for him. Why don't you, here, come here. Hey, Simon. Yeah? This is Roger.

Nice to meet you. Ooh, likewise. Cool. This is going a lot better than I expected it to yeah okay so that's it you guys met and uh here's your pillow and your blanket um we are going to be having very loud very animalistic uh raucous like

bacchanal levels of sex and you're welcome to join no he's not he is not welcome to join he's not welcome to join he used to be fun Garfie I know it's anyone but him anyone but him.

Anyone but him. I just... Threesomes were a thing. They were, I know. We were having sex with so many people. Simon. Did he say threesomes were your thing? They were.

Everyone in school... Sorry, uni knows that threesomes are a thing? They were. Everyone in school, sorry, uni, knows that threesomes are our thing. School, never heard of that. No, and that's who I met uni. Oh, come to bed, you cheeky monkey. Oh, my gosh, Simon. I hate to do this to you, but I do ultimately, I can't. I bend to his will, ultimately. She's not the only thing she bends.

What does that even mean? I'll leave you to figure it out. Okay, I'll be in the... Yeah, I don't even want to... The foyer, I guess. It doesn't feel like a living room. It's kind of just an entryway with a couch in it.

Anyway, yeah. I am sorry for everything. and i hope you leave first thing in the morning okay um roger it was a i don't want to say pleasure um because that would be a lie and i've been working on lying um and by that he means working on not lying yes i think that was clear i don't think anyone would be working on lying more. My new year's resolution. Be a bigger shit. Come on.

Oh, stop it. Simon. Don't be like, maybe that was your fucking new year's resolution. Hey, Roger, don't let him talk to me like this.

Maybe you could fight your own battles. Oh, you're so right. Okay. Simon. Again, I am sorry. Um, and I hope that you do well.

Yeah, okay, thanks. So fucking superficial. I mean it sincerely. Can I have the ring back? What's that? My grandmother's ring. I want it back. Oh, uh, yeah, sorry. I want it back. Oh. Yeah. Sorry. I've been meaning to send that to you. Before you told me we were breaking

up, you were going to send me a ring. Well, I knew that we were going to break up, so I was trying to figure out a way to send it. Here. Thanks. You know, when she was, you know when she was you know in hospital making it British for you Roger

when she was in hospital um the last time she she gave me this and she said I want you to give this to Garfunkel she's a special girl and She gave me this and she said, I want you to give this to Garfunkel. She's a special girl. And I got this from your grandpa Dick.

And I want you to give it to her. And pass on it to your children one day. And your grandchildren. It's not an engagement ring, Roger, by the way. It's just a ring. Darling, if there's one thing you've made clear, it's that you don't give a flying fuck about monogamy. It could have been an engagement ring, a wedding ring. It could have been a fucking blood bond.

I wouldn't give a shit. I would still be perfectly happy to Roger you. You are the sexiest man I've ever known. known you know a lot of people have told me that and simon i am it feels so inappropriate to be saying that as you're telling the story of your grandmother's ring but it's just the power he has over me is is feral no and i do you know i mean you know this about me i i I do identify as straight, but I don't know. No.

There's something about, you know, I'm just saying I get it. I'm just saying I get it. That's all I'm saying. So we can end on good terms? I don't see how me saying I find your new partner... But I'm saying if you were in my position and you were seduced by a man like Roger Bartrink,

like- Hang on, hang on, hang on. I don't know why the Bartrink's the one in the villainy seat now. Come on, love. No, no, no. Seduced you. Seduced you.

Oh, you did. You did seduce me. Oh, I seduced you. You followed me home, darling. Followed me home. But you didn't- Yeah, I followed you home, but. Followed me home. But you didn't. Yeah, I followed you home. But then you're the one who turned around and said, spread them.

That is not an accurate retelling. Well, then what happened? I followed you. I was outside your property. And you turned around and you said, spread them. And I said, what? So that is not accurate at all. What are you talking about that's literally what

happened what happened was um you followed me home from work three three nights in a row yes that is true yeah okay and i was really weirded out the foot at first you were stood in front of my door on the third night yes yeah yes blocking the door right you had your hand over the lock i gestured to your hand i said spread them as in your fingers i was not simon i want you to know i was not simon i want you to know that that is he what he did was he put his hand like between my thighs and kind of flopped around like a fish like kind of like pretending like there was a fish he goes flop around like a fish between somebody's legs i did not know that is demented that you think i would do that that is what happened are we having our first

fight garfield darling i love that you're sexually aggressive it's one of the first things i loved about you when we met was that i walked up i said hey could you spread them fingers that is and you said i'd like to spread you and i said what was that and he said i like to spread you like butter on toast butter on toast is what a big melty man yeah and i said. I could get to know this girl. And we had our first threesome. Yeah. Yes. Well, it sounds like you two really have something special.

Now that I have my ring, all I'm gonna ask for is could I have the ship and the bottle back? That I am keeping. Are you serious? That I did break. Sorry, you broke.

I was trying to get... So Roger, actually what happened is the first time he came over here. So that first night we went over to his place. Leave me out of this! No, but I will tell him what actually happened was you saw the ship and the bottle and you said, you said, and you said, oh my God, if only I could have one of those, those beautiful kinky things. And I said, and I said, well, there is one way to get it.

And what I did was I then took it and I, and I hit it on the floor. I threw it on the floor and then I picked on the floor. And then I picked it up. Glass shards in my hands and the webs of my fingers. Simon, she was bloody. I was bloody. Like, it was foul. It was all over the place. I couldn't stop.

It wasn't pleasant to look at. It wasn't, I mean, even the smell. It was like iron in the air. Iron, iron everywhere. And not a drop to drink. And I took my... She took her hand. Simon, this is important important it's an important part of the story she took her hand bloodied raw looked like she shoved the fucking thing in a vitamix it was horrible to look at

i took my hand from just a few shards of glass how did that even happen she was like pounding her fist into the broken glass i was taking out like sand and like squishing it in my fingers i took my hand i wiped it across my mouth blood all over my mouth yes then i wiped it across his mouth yes she did that blood all over his mouth and then he put the um the boat in the tub tub and just kind of played with it. Yeah, that's about the size of it. And then we fucked in the kitchen. Yeah, no, you fucked in the kitchen.

I get that. And there was a third. There was a third person there. And then he did have a thing. Downstairs neighbor. That's our thing. Yeah. And her husband watched.

Hello. Cool. This has been, I don't want to say eye-opening because I think I might, well, I think I might never sleep again. These stories, I mean, the hand thing is deeply concerning.

Well, speaking of eye-opening, one amazing thing that did happen is the most recent time that we made love, and it did turn into making love. Oh, darling, tell him this this is graphic the most recent time you know i was in the throes of it and and he kind of sorry and she means throes the way she tosses me around like i'm a little fucking rag doll i mean it is fantastic you ever see it you get a good one orange it's like he put the clamps on my eyes and he said open your eyes open your eyes he clamped my eyes open because he did not want me to like sorry he wanted me to be present no i have to interject again that is

not an accurate retelling again i i really don't like the narrative you're spinning that I am sort of, in some way, the aggressor or even the dominant. No, with the glass blood hand, that was all me. Yes, and then the eyes was really you spurring that on as well. I just want to make that live with the record. All this talk is making me

really horny. I and I don't want to mince words, am diamond hard. Simon, I think you need to drive home because I don't know where we're going to do it. I don't know how or what's going to happen. Yes. I'm not okay to drive. I can't. Then you can stay and watch.

Just watch? Just watch Okay Or sit in the hall Okay You're not joining Okay, that's fine You're saying it with a smile like, oh, okay You're not joining

Okay, that's fine I'm just saying, you know, it's the least you can do What are you That's You need to leave. That's so fucked up. No, get out of here. Hey, Simon, mate, I was on your side.

That was fucked up. That was really odd, what you just did. And I think, can I be honest, Simon? I think there's a way you could have played it where you could have got in the middle. I really do think there would have been a way, but that was not it my friend do better let's take a break

and we're back. I'll squeeze the little guy. I've got to go see a little guy about to squeeze. That's so fucking nasty. Okay, enough fucking around. Here we go. This is a review. No way.

Yeah, if you can believe it. This is a review. Okay, I'm listening. For the jellycat Gracie grouper fish. Sorry? It is a Gracie grouper fish. It's a grouper. It's called a grouper. It's a fish.

No, it's not. It's literally called a grouper. You're lying. No, it's not. It's a grouper. Sound off in the Discord. Is it a grouper or a grouper? Gracie grouper Grouper. She has wide set eyes and she's very cute. This is a review. Five stars

from, and there's no title, but it is from Petunia. So can I get a last name for Petunia? Okay. How about a... Okay, I need to prep the accent for this one. Another deeply offensive accent. Put on your shoes, Jimmy. We're going to church.

So that's a Scottish man. He's talking to his son, Jimmy, who needs to put on his shoes. This is from put on your shoes, Jimmy. We're going to church. Five stars. Okay. I love this puffy fish. It's my favorite thing ever to cuddle with my gay

boyfriend got it for me for a gift and a heart i love this puppy fish it's my favorite thing ever to cuddle with my gay boyfriend got it for me for a gift that sucks if you can believe it, he's so sweet. God, he's so thoughtful. Yeah, I mean, straight women are like this. No, but it's like he's so... The thing I love most about Jonathan is how thoughtful he is. Yeah. Is how thoughtful he is. Yeah.

What's that face? No, I, I, I, I, uh, no, I think he is really thoughtful. Rose, come on. You're my gal pal who always speaks her mind. Lay it on me, sorority sister. I'm just saying, like, I don't know.

I, I, sometimes I feel weird about the way you talk about Jonathan. That's all. What do you mean? Well, like, I don't know. Sometimes you say words that kind of feel dated. I literally, I'm so, if I've offended you or anybody. Well, you kind of have.

Oh my God. What did I say? I literally don't even remember. This is crazy. Tutu, short for Petunia, when you, like, I love that you love when your boyfriend does like sweet, sensitive things for you. It is the sweetest thing ever. He's such a little mush.

I know. Yeah. When you said to me last week. Yeah. Oh, you're not going to believe what Jonathan did. Well, girl, I say a lot of shit. I honestly don't remember like 80% of the things that I say. Concerning.

You said, oh my God, Jonathan did the sweetest thing. I got home from my work and he had put rose petals on the bed and he got a little glass of champagne. And I was like, Oh my God, it was the sweetest. It really was. And I was like, wow,

that's so, that's so sweet. And then you said, Oh, I love him. He's such a fucking sissy. And it felt a little weird. I'm being serious.

Tutu, I'm being serious. It felt a little weird. Like, when we were in college, like, in 2007, that kind of language was, like, normalized. And I want to, like, challenge you to grow. Because, like, the rest of the world has moved on. Oh, my God. Rose, you're funny. I'm sorry.

It's not funny. It's like, you know my brother's gay, right? No, but you're misinterpreting what i mean oh my god i don't know how i misinterpreted that entirely okay are those the exact words that i said yes of course they are i do remember that because that night was the sweetest thing ever it's like it wasn't even a special occasion like he's like it's a wednesday right which is i again i'm like that's awesome i love that you love I'm like, what? Again, I'm like, that's awesome. I love that you love your boyfriend.

And he was just like, just lay down. I'll take care of you. Here's the rose. Here's the champagne. Let's watch some Below Deck. Like, he knows how much I love that. Okay. And I was just like, oh, my God, you're being so sissy.

And what I meant by that. Yeah, that's weird. What I meant. No, no, no, no, no. What I meant by that. Don't say what I think you want to say. I call my sister sissy. No, no, no, no, no, no. What I meant by that. I call my sister. No, no,

no. So it's like, Oh, he's treating me like a loved one does. Like I call my sister. I'm like, Oh my God, that's a sissy move.

Like whenever she's like, you used it as a noun. You said you are taking it out of context. I meant it like you are family. Yes. Like he is a sister. Okay. So meant it like you are family. Yes. Like he is a sister. Okay. So stop out the word sissy for sister.

Does that make sense? Oh my God. He's such a sister. What the fuck are you talking about? He's like a sister to me. Okay. He's like a sissy to me. That's not what you said.

That's what I mean. I'm going to give you the benefit. That's what I meant. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt on that one I'm going to give you the benefit Of the doubt on that one That's literally what I meant There's no benefit of the doubt to give That is literally what I meant

And I'm offended that you would think That I would mean anything else I do not use that kind of language It is outdated and it is offensive Yeah sure I meant it like he is my sissy Okay I'm sorry

You were going to say that one I'll give you the benefit of the doubt What else are you talking about? No I don't I don't know if you're in a I don't know if you're receptive So I'm going to say that one. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt. What else are you talking about? No, I don't know if you're in a... I don't know if you're receptive. So I'm going to... I am so receptive.

I'm explaining what happened. And I deeply apologize if that came off as offensive. That is so... I know it's impact over intent. I really did not... Yeah, that's fine. I do not see it that way, and that's not how I meant it. Okay.

And he knows that. You can ask him. Okay, maybe meant it. Okay. And he knows that. You can ask him. Okay, maybe I will. Okay. Cut to her getting coffee with Jonathan. Hey. Hey, Rose. Tutu said that you wanted to meet up.

Yeah, I just thought, you know. It's good to see you. It's good to see you, too. You haven't changed. Oh, my God. Neither have you, gorgeous girl. Stop. You're kidding.

I'm not. No, I aged. Hey, that's life, though. I mean, my God, like, how grateful we should be. Like, what a gift it is to age. You're not wrong about that. You're not wrong about that. But you don't really look like you have.

Okay. What do you. Oh, come on. Stop. Hey, barista. I'll take one. This guy's skincare routine. Stop.

No. Tutu gives me these awesome elixirs and it's like a lot of collagen and colostrum, you know, stuff like that. No, she's the best. She's honestly like a sister to me. Say that again. She's like a sister to me. Say that again. She's like a sister to me. Your girlfriend.

To, to. Yeah. Nothing bumps for you with that. No, she's my sissy. She's like my sister. Like the way that you do, like the love you have for a family member. The way you do.

She said that you wanted me to ask me something. Well, I'm all ears. You know, you've always been my favorite of Tutu's friends. Really? Yes. I kind of, I don't know, I always kind of got the impression you were more of a Marion fan.

Oh, gosh. I mean, listen, I'm never one to badmouth anybody, especially women. Yeah. But... And the dead? I mean, may she rest.

Women and the dead. And the fact that Marion is both of those things... She's a dead woman. Like, I would... Never... Yeah, a dead woman. ...say anything bad about her.

But... But here it comes. You know. No, no, no. And that's why I won't. That's all. Leave it. Because I'll say something about that dead B-I-T-C-H.

Hey, come on, Rose. It's not like you. I'm just saying she cheated. On the bar exam. Well, we all know that. I think that's messed up. Malpractice out the wazoo. Yeah, I think that's messed up.

That's all. Oh, I agree. She got what was coming to her i guess that is oh i'm sorry that felt weird that's really fucked up um i guess what i wanted to ask you about was um she got what was coming no we don't have to dwell on that no it's just like rose you've always been the sweetest, the sweetest flower in the garden, other than my petunia, of course. Isn't that funny that we were both

named after flowers? You're like a bouquet. Yeah. But Rose, Petunia, and Marion. Sometimes a bouquet goes bad. And Rose, I hope that... I don't think I've ever heard that. I hope that that's not what's happening to you.

Because that was a really dark and twisted thing you just said about our late friend Marion. Yeah, I guess you're right. I think I was jealous of Marion. Because she made a lot of money? Yeah, because after she cheated her way through law school, cheated on the bar, and she landed that huge big law job, and she was raking in the cash. And, you know, obviously it became clear after she was embezzling, but I didn't know that at the time. I thought it was all, you know, lawful gain, you know. Of course, we all did.

We all did. Right. And that's what I told them. That's what I told the cops, you know. You know, they were so convinced I knew something, and I really didn't. We knew that she cheated on the bar, but we thought that that was kind of the most right i never thought she would cheat like the company out of money like that i never thought that anyway and so i was jealous and i'll be honest i'm jealous of i'm jealous of petunia well i hardly blame you she is

kind of the best girl in the world, my sissy. Don't you? Don't you ever feel like maybe what you two have is like... Special? Yeah. Yeah, I do. That maybe like she is... Is this what you wanted to ask me about? Me and Tutu? Yeah, like that she is a sister to you.

What do you mean? Well, that maybe, you know... What are you implying, Rose? I'm just saying, maybe your relationship isn't fully, you know... No, I don't know. Romantic. Maybe you'd be happier. Would a relationship that is not romantic, would the guy be laying out flowers and champagne

on a Wednesday night just because? Yeah, I mean, it feels like you're trying a little hard. Like, are you trying to prove it to yourself or prove it to her or us? Taking her out to romantic dinners and feeling her up at lookout point on a Saturday just because. Lookout point?

I don't even know you can still get up there. Would he be getting it up on a Monday night just because? Yeah, Jonathan. That is my sissy. This whole conversation. And. Stop. She called you gay.

Okay. She said to me last week jonathan walked out wearing these jeans and they were super fucking gay she did not she said that your girlfriend your beloved sissy which is oh my god i know what happened no no no no no i know what there's no way there's no way i know what happened and you are listen you are being such a good friend to me right now and i know your heart's in the right place but i'm gonna tell you exactly what happened because this is very easily explainable okay i recently came out to her as bisexual okay and so she said She was honestly

She said she looked at me Probably what you saw is that she looked at me She goes you are super fucking gay And I said yes I am I said She said those genes Are super fucking gay She was talking about my DNA

Because she knows that I was born That's not I support super fucking gay. She was talking about my DNA because she knows that I was born like this. Like it's not a choice. I support that you're bi. I actually love that. Doesn't sound like it, Rose. No, I actually love that. It really doesn't sound like it.

No, a lot of people don't know that, but me and Marion like made out a couple of times in college. I'm just saying that it really sounds like, especially like there's a lot of birasure around men. And so what I'm hearing is that it's like- I totally agree. No, I feel like you are vehemently disagreeing no no i'm serious i might need to talk to petunia about what kind of company she's keeping no john john jonathan jono jonathan because like this biphobia the bi erasure i'm not biphobic it's like my brother's gay. I gotta go.

No, wait. You look... You're such a... You're a pansy. See, I can do it too. I'm cool. I'm just like your sister. Your sister, you fuck. Do we have time for one more? I don't know if I have the strength for one more. Francesca. day now. Okay, give me a minute. I'm cooking. Let him cook!

Francesca, Francesca, Fran. Okay, I've got it, I've got it. Okay. Francesca can't be played by yourself Franches can't be played by yourself Franches can't be played by yourself

5 stars from Franches can't be played by yourself title is adorable gave it to a professor as an inside joke and she loved it no weird smell, soft and squishy read that one more time for me as an inside joke. No. And she loved it. Absolutely not. No weird smell, soft and squishy. What? Read that one more time for me.

Gave it to a professor as an inside joke and she loved it. No weird smell, soft and squishy. Where'd you go? You fully went off camera. Do some of them have a weird smell?

Maybe. Gave it to a professor is an inside joke. I'm just saying, we went to theater school. Yes. You and I know a thing or two about overly close, overly relationships with professors yes i would say it was sort of rampant yes she's like my sister i would still have found it odd if i found out that somebody had just out of the blue bought a gift for a professor bought a stuffed animal as an inside joke. And that's in theater school.

If this is any other discipline, even weirdness level goes tenfold. Hey, uh, uh, Sarah, thank you so much for coming into office hours today. I know that you had plans.

You're working on your thesis. Do you know why I called you in today? Is it about the bibliography? No. Because I meant to cite the Wilson book, but I... That's okay. You can incorporate that into your next draft. I thought it was pretty clear. I should have cited it. That's okay. That's that into your next draft I thought it was pretty clear I should have

cited it that much that's okay that's okay I'm sorry I didn't nope it's okay we can move on from that I would never plagiarize

I just want you to know that that's okay I don't believe you would you are a very good student way too seriously I would never do that in any class certainly not yours

thank you and I appreciate that you are a very good student you're a very good writer and your narrative work this semester has been fantastic i do mean that thank you um that means a lot coming from you uh well that's actually what i wanted to talk to you about today yeah i think that the way that you see me and interact with me needs to remain strictly professional in an academic setting. I couldn't agree more. Yes.

So you did ultimately give me a toy shaped like a bowl of oatmeal. Right. And it has a smiley face, arms, and legs. Okay. Don't know why you're telling me this i remember doing it yes i the card that came along with it yeah um that i think was more concerning than why would you need a stuffed animal shaped like a bowl of oatmeal because that is not let me stop you right there let me stop you right there. Let me stop you right there, Chief. No, actually, no, no.

I'm going to keep talking. Thank you, though. But you can, you can. That's, okay. So the card. The firm hand of the professor. Let. Struck the table with vigor.

Sent a shiver down her spine. So that is, yes, you are quoting the card directly. It's the first couple lines of the card. I'm just saying, you're a fan of my narrative work or you're not a fan of my narrative work?

And then you went on to say, picked up a little something for you, but I'm sure you know that already. And then a laugh, you kind of drew the laughing,

crying emoji. Yeah. And then you said, don't you remember? Right. Love, Sarah. I do not remember. Oh. Because I don't think anything.

I am strictly your professor. And I appreciate I can take on a kind of mentor role. But this is not. We're not friends, Sarah. I couldn't agree more. I can take on a kind of mentor role, but this is not, like, we're not friends, Sarah. I couldn't agree more. I do not. Are you sure? I do not want to be friends with you. The card was a reference, the oatmeal was a reference to, I don't, I'm surprised you don't remember, but it was week two. I came into class and I had brought my huge thermos full of oatmeal like I do every day

and I have always said no food in class that is a big rule that I have and you let out a big sigh and you said oatmeal again this girl's gonna turn into a horse. You don't remember saying that.

Sorry, you might have closed this door. I'm going to close the door. No, actually, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm going to close the door. Sarah, Sarah, we're going to keep that open. We're going to keep that open. I'll just say, okay. We're going to keep that open.

Middle ground, crack it. I'm going to crack it. Nope, we're going to keep that open. I just feel like this is a personal conversation. We're going to keep that open. I're going to keep that open. Middle ground. Crack it. I'm going to crack it. Nope. We're going to keep that open. I just feel like this is a personal conversation. Fully open it. We're going to keep that open. I just feel like this is a personal conversation.

I'm just going to shut it a little bit. Nope. Sarah, we are ultimately going to keep the door open. I, regardless of whether I said the comment about the horse or not, I do remember saying, uh, oatmeal again, because that was the fourth time that week that you had brought an oatmeal after I had said, after I had said, please no food in class. It's very distracting. And a couple other students said the smell of her oatmeal is making me want to gag. It's a special ingredient. What I said, what I said, what I said was, oh, oatmeal again. It's delicious. Tastes like caramel.

And then I said, please, Sarahah for like the respect of me and your fellow students stop bringing food into class once you and i've said this before and i'll say it again once you get used to the smell it won't bother you anymore i that doesn't matter you can eat whatever food you like outside of the classroom oh thank you for permission the hell i'm i'm i didn't realize you were my dietitian and my creative writing professor um all i'm saying is okay stop bringing oatmeal in the class and stop giving me presents we don't have any inside jokes we don't i i just um i appreciate the kind gesture, and I appreciate that you view me with a kind of fondness. I'd rather that than the alternative, but it has to stay strictly professional. Great.

Sarah chokes down the last of her durian, locking eyes with a sultry professor. Okay, and so this is ultimately what I was worried about. What? okay and so this is ultimately what I was worried about I fear that you are veering into a sexual kind of parasocial relationship fantasy made reality

nope Sarah this is where I'm going to have to ask that this either gets shut down right now or I'm going to have to transfer you to another class I will zip it up. Okay. Great. He nodded in knowing recognition of what was shared between the two of them.

No, no, no, no, no. Nothing was shared. Nothing was shared. What we're sharing is an understanding that we are strictly professional. I do not view you in that way I have a wife I have a family you are my student and I do not see you in that way no me

me either yes you do and I'm asking you to not okay message received loud and clear great please leave my classroom she felt him undressing her with his eyes no I did not professor I Great. Please leave my classroom. She felt him undressing her with his eyes. No, I did not.

Professor. No, I did not. Looking at the cameras in the room. I did not. I was not doing that. He slammed the door shut and covered the cameras. The doors are open and the cameras are on. Professor. You are not making this happen.

Professor. Sarah, I'm going to count to five. And if you are not out of my office by then, I am going to have to call the superintendent. The superintendent? Of the building, yeah. Okay, fine. Okay, I'm leaving. Great.

Close the door on your way out, please. Close my door on the way in? Nope, close'm leaving. Great. Close the door on your way out, please. Close my door on the way in? Nope, close the door on the way out. Close my door on the way back in and then we... No, no. You are going to leave the classroom. We're going to take... I take out the oatmeal toy.

You're going to take this with you. Okay, fine. You're taking that with you. I don't want it. Okay. She grabs the toy. The telltale scent is on it. I don't know what that could mean.

The smell of oatmeal? That musky scent she's come to know all too well from the professor. That's just my old spice. It's just my old spice, dear. He uses too much and she doesn't even mind. That's okay. Please leave. Like a middle school boy, he sprays it on way too much.

That's all right. Okay. Great. Great. What does his wife see in him? Nobody knows. A lot. We've been together for 25 years. She's sick of him, but she doesn't know how to say it. Sarah, get the fuck out. Wow. Swearing at fuck out. Wow. Swearing at a student. Nice.

Oh my God. And I just want to say that's the reality for higher education, for teachers in higher education today. They can't catch a break. Let's go to our final segment. Okay. I don't, hey guys guys I don't really think that I just want you guys to know that

This shook me All week long This shook me All week long All week long It's shaking me Evangelical cats Even now I am being shaken

Like a Ice tea from Starbucks What's been shaking you bitch? Um What the heck Did you just call me? I called you a little bitch. Oh, if the shoe fits every year, I see the Oscar nominated animated shorts. It's always fun.

Go to the theater. It's a little omnibus. You know what I mean by that? Because I'm not sure I know what that word means but it's like they show omnibus it's like they show all i don't think i do either they show them all i think that's what that means but i don't even know what the color colors are yeah right that's like they're all like 10 15 minutes 20 minutes long and they show them in like five you know in order um and and this year's were bad or i don't want to say that well you just did Daniel leave it in

no Daniel cut that out Alf just called them all bad no when I host SNL like Iowa Devery and the director of one of the Oscar nominated shorts is the musical guest that's because of the J-Lo thing I'm sure this will be topical in nine weeks when this comes out

the last year thing it's really yes i'm sure it's be topical in nine weeks when this comes out um the uh last year there was a short it was ice merchants was the name of it and it is there's no dialogue you know it's all orchestrated you know it's silent except for the soundtrack and so not silent yeah what the hell and i think the hell? And I think there's like environmental stuff. Like I think you hear like it's not silent. There's just no talking. Coral green, ginger puppy,

silent movie with music. I just want to say I know I got to say this real quick. If you don't like this episode I'm sorry because there's going to be a lot more like this. Because we are recording. It is 840 on a Friday night.

Okay? So anyway, Ice Merchants. It was a wonderful, beautiful film. I cried in the theater. I rewatched it again yesterday. But this was not this year. This was last year. I cried in the theater watching it.

So what's shaking you is a movie from last year. Oh, okay, Mrs. What's shaking me is that I am sexually aroused by a cartoon character from a movie that came out 15 years ago. That's every fucking one of your What Shook Me's. And I say a year old short film is What Shook Me. And you've got an issue with that? I'm over it. Fucking quibble, Tina. Go off. I'm over it. Fucking quibble Tina.

Go off. I'm over it. What's your shit? I don't even care. What's shaking me. Yeah, what is? Is excitement. What's shaking me.

Okay. Is that I'm going to see Madame Web tonight. Oh, Madame Web. Madame Web. And what's shaking me about that is that not only am i gonna go see madame whip okay but also the new amc nicole kidman uh holy shit packages is this your first time i think there's three of them it's my first time seeing the new ones and i think it's like there's there's three and like they rotate in the theaters so she just goes on the screen she goes

heartbreak feels bad in a place like this so I'm I'm what's shaking me is that I can't like all day I haven't been able to think about anything else but like it's gonna be such a crazy night about the movie or the Nicole Kidman all of it the whole experience

and yeah oh sorry sorry were you expecting me to say oh I want to fuck the cuphead devil because that's still true that's just not what's shaking me yeah it's still true and you know who else I thought about recently

the fox Robin Hood fox from the 60s Robin Hood yeah I want to fuck him too what's new? Like, whatever. Whatever. But yeah, I'm excited for Madam Web. I'm excited for Nicole Kidman.

And that's shaking my ass. I thought Madam Web was a Marvel movie. It is not. I saw a tweet that said, it was like a quote tweet of press tour Dakota Johnson. And someone tweeted, i think she very much thought that she was signing on to a marvel movie of course and that is very funny that's not true ellen well actually that's not true ellen you were invited because you um you threw a fucking fit when i didn't invite you to my party you can actually never mind no have you seen the clip where dakota

johnson talks about being on the final episode of the office no it's really funny i can't wait because she's like oh it was the worst day of my life none of them speak to each other it was so fucking awkward like no one would talk to me oh my god she's a case study she doesn't have a filter neither do you and you can you can find that on instagram at at alfred inna you can find the show on instagram at review review reddit r slash review review discord where it always pops off at review review review, uh, head game discord. And then Jeffrey, James and I, Patreon,

patreon.com slash Ryan Jeff. Also, we need more theme songs, guys. We, this is a call to action, original music. We need it or else we're going to be doing some acapella theme songs and

nobody wants that. Um, so yeah, send them over, send them over. And I'm going to reiterate. Sorry, reviewreviewshow at gmail.com. What I said last time,

which is that just because we can't be playing all these copyrighted songs anymore doesn't mean they have to be originals, okay? There are, dare I say, centuries of music that you don't need to worry about. Sony is not going to come for your ass. Great, great reminder. If Winnie the Pooh is in the public domain, so is, you know, a Noel Coward song. Steamboat Mickey.

Steamboat Mickey. Alf, where can you find me online? Um, I forgot. Come on, you know. Let me see if I remember. You can find Riley on Instagram.com, just the web browser, not the phone app, at Riley Anspor,

and on Twitter.com, now known as xxxxxxx.com for as long as it lasts Riley Coyote and as we say every single week on BBC Radio 4 we're always saying it

we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it

we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it

we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it

we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it we are never not saying it

not saying it not saying it not saying it not saying it not saying it not saying it not saying it not saying it

not saying it not saying it not saying it not saying it not saying it those jeans no I'm going to make you say it no I'm not going to say that yes I'm going to get you cancelled no you are my

sissy you're my sissy you're my sissy we'll see you guys next week okay bye bye sissies