Review Revue - Kazoos

Episode Date: February 27, 2024

Alf and Reilly are back and tooting their way through these kazoo reviews on revue kazoo! >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmThis episode is sponsored by/brought to you by BetterHelp. Give online therapy a try at betterhelp.com/REVIEWREVUE and get on your way to being your best self.See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

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This pod's about reviews and doing improv Hosted by Al Fardwell and Riley and Spa Al's a quirky Brit and Riley's lovey-dose flawed This pod is four years old, here's the past we saw Jeff was the first co-host in the time of yore A mistress guest almost will find his famous more COVID is some early Records over soon

The fans will support Surely as the Patreon moves There's lots about Reviews And doing it all With insane characters Like Marlene Spaghetta

Out this day Spaghetta To probably Is a grandma Let's look out The party now lift its hoods far In Jolteema, Fahyoo, Loyus and Naaah The fans began helping with some good and some flaw Used to thank Patreon, now they thank themselves Sometimes they set intentions while their

catchphrase it swells Used to have bonus eps, too busy for that So quick draws and new circles take too much time to chat The change of all hosts and subs spreading doubt But their style and humor gets better as does their clout There's pause to valid reviews and doing improv As long as it's going, your humor will throb Sometimes they set intentions. The fact that even the lyrics were only sometimes do we it's interesting that we often forget the intentions but we never forget the catchphrase

isn't it it is interesting um i just wanted it makes you think and thank you lauren for for making us think with that um lauren sent that in lauren kind of like is obsessed with sending theme songs and by that i of like is obsessed with sending theme songs and by that I mean we're obsessed with getting them. Hey all, it's Lauren. I was thinking about

doing this before I heard your call to action so here's a brand new theme song that is a cover of my own original music. Oh. The original song is called Untitled

because it's a song about nothing so I've titled the cover Retitled as a song about the podcast. That's awesome. This is 100% my own original music.

I hope you guys enjoy. I have a bunch of songs. If you like this one. Dude, this was awesome, Lauren. Own original music? Come on. I think this was all part of Lauren's plan to hit us with a copyright strike. Oh, shit.

You think that Lauren is the one who really is cracking down on copyright? Because if it's Lauren's original music,, then Lorne can sue my ass. Yeah. Well, also, this brings me... Another CTA got called to action, that is. Guys, we need more songs. Chicago Transport Authority. We're running out.

And Lorne, this could be your perfect chance for you just to send all your original stuff. Do a whole album. Do an album. But guys, we love your original music and we love not having any copyright issues, so please keep sending them in. Lauren, thank you so much.

Mr. Michaels, Lauren Michaels of SNL. What are you sipping on there, huh? You got a big sipper. I got an iced hazelnut latte. You like hazelnut? Mm-hmm. I like hazelnut. I think it gets a bad rap.

It sounds like you said, I think it gets a bad rap. I think it gets a bad rap. You're a bad rap. It gets a bad rap i think it's a bed rat it gets a bed rat i saw a rat yesterday did you know that did you know that did you know that i saw a rat yesterday did you know that i saw you got so used to seeing rats in boston that now i see a rat in chicago i'm like it's an event did you know that i saw a rat did you know that i see a rat in Chicago, I'm like, it's an event. Did you know that? I saw a rat. Did you know that? I saw a rat yesterday. Did you even know that? I think you don't even care about my life anymore.

I just want to put into the space that I'm in a bad mood. Okay, yeah. Sure. I'm never like this. Well. I'm not in a great mood. It's been a tough day. I got two moles removed on my neck. And it mood. It's been a tough day. I got two moles removed on my neck.

And it hurt. It fucking hurt. Yeah, I can't even make jokes about it. What were you going to say? The third one's in her butt. It wasn't. I was going to be like, yeah, she got two on her neck, one on her back. And don't even ask where the third and fourth.

Where the third is are. Oh, fuck. So, listen, I'm on one. I'm mad. And I'll put new with your ass. I'm mad. Why are you mad? I don't know. I'm just...

I think I have a latent anger. I think I have a latent... It's like when... Deep brewing. Hetero couples, it's like we're pregnant. Oh, my God. It's like we are mad. We are mad.

You know when you see a couple- Sympathy, anger. Like, you probably, I don't know if you get this, but I get a lot of kind of very conservative Christian content on my Instagram reels. And something you see a lot is, the devil started attacking us from day one of our marriage. No, I don't see that because you actively seek out this content. I love it so much. It's not like you're like, for some reason I get a lot of this kind of stuff.

When me and Pookie got married, everything was bliss until that day and then the devil came and he haunted us from night one because he wanted our marriage to fail and he made me cheat. It's like always. And then the devil came and it's like, the devil didn't make you cheat.

Well, that's what I say about you when you cheated on me. By doing it? It wasn't like, it was the devil. Like, you wouldn't do that to me. But the devil would make you do that to me. Yeah. And I think you bought that, right? Yeah, completely.

Hook, line, and sinker. I hardly know her. Hardly know her. Fuck. Speaking of a catchy hook. Speaking of... Speaking of a catchy hook. But were we?

But were we? Speaking of a catchy hook caught me hook, line, and sinker, I'll give you a catchy hook on a little instrument that kind of causes a big commotion. Yeah. Well, we're talking kazoos. Wow. I just, sorry.

I just thought of a, okay. That's my impression of a kazoo. Do you want to hear my impression of a kazoo? Yeah. Zoom. Zoom. Zoom Zoom Zoom Wait

A game that Daniel and I have been playing Do your best impression of Ray Romano 3, 2, 1, go Don't think about it, just go 3, 2, 1, go What the fuck are you doing Sounds like Kermit Of course it's Kermit.

They're the same fucking guy. High heels on Miss Piggy. Dolce and Gabbana. Okay, so Ray Romano made me think of kazoos. And are they so different? I love you, Ray Romano. Wait, here's a question for you. How did Wendy catch Peter Pan? How? different i love you ray romano uh wait here's a question for you how did how did wendy catch

peter pan how hook line and tinkerbell oh my god that's why i wasn't that's why i wasn't present when you were talking about kazoos i was thinking about that you were coming up with that i wasn't coming up with it i'd already come up with it in the moment and then i felt terrible and i had to get it out it was like a a pestilence. It was like a pus. It was like pus. I had to squeeze from a wound. Ew. We're talking about kazoos and you want to know why we're talking about kazoos because we were going to

do grand pianos but we couldn't find enough good reviews. And so we said what's the silliest instrument? Kazoos. And I said to you on the phone, I said I just want to have fun. I know. The phone rings in the car.

Is that right? What? Cindy Lauper. The phone rings. The phone rings in the car. In the car. The phone rings in the car. My mother was a, I don't need to do with your star.

Give it up for beat number one. The girls, they want to have my hand. There's no way we can get copyrighted for that because none of that was correct. None of that was intelligible. Alf, talk to me about kazoos, please. Oh, I love kazoos. I mean, here's things I know about kazoos they're

a musical instrument i saw right yesterday if you did you know what did you know that i didn't understand that that was a call back to 30 seconds ago because what i thought you said was i saw rent yesterday did you know that 525 000 i love sharing new information Did you know that? 525,000. I love sharing new information. Did you know that? Did you know that? It literally is such fucking schoolyard behavior. My dad's, my dad's literally the president of the candy factory.

Did you know that? Did you know that? Did you know that? I saw rent yesterday. Did you know that? Let's go. I went to, I went to Disney World.

I went to Disney World last summer. Did you know that? I was more in rent. Did you know that? Let's go. I went to Disney World. I went to Disney World last summer. Did you know that? I was more in rent. Did you know that? Just kidding. I wasn't. Who were you in rent? I wasn't in rent.

I thought you would have been the eviction notice. I played the eviction notice in rent. It's like when they add five extra trees into the background. It's the Bill costume from Schoolhouse Rock. I'm just going to bitch and notice. Alf, talk to me, please. I literally need you to talk to me about Kazoo. I loved Kazoo as a child, as a young boy.

The stars in my eyes and the light in my heart. I would dream of playing a Kazoo on the vaudeville stage um and i really would i i liked them a lot i would i would i would get them a lot as kind of like oh you're an annoying get them a lot you're an annoying kid have one of these this will help you annoy people um i feel like they were often like in a party favor or just sort of like around that's true i thought you meant that like you would go out of your way i've definitely i'm in the mood and that's really telling as an adult that's really telling um i don't know. They break easy. Like my heart.

I loved a kazoo as a child. Yeah? I couldn't tell you the last time that I... I feel like you'd be good at it. Played the old kazoo. I feel like you'd be good at it because you have good pitch. Yeah, that's what they don't tell you about kazoos. It's not just blowing into them. The phone rings.

You essentially have to do all the work like you can't just do that you really have to know the notes kind of give the illusion that you're playing an instrument but you're doing all of the work and i guess hold on i want to back that statement up no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no disinfect the surgery table let's get that sentence up there let's fucking put the mask on it and let's cut it open because that didn't make a lick of fucking sense

it's not to say it's not to say that other instruments do the work for you I would argue of the instruments Kazoo is doing most of the work for you no but it's like you're not picking up a guitar and being like all right you know what do you start start no but you do pick up a kazoo and you're like hey come on buddy get to it i'd like to i'd like to clarify. I feel so crazy today. I don't feel good. Here's what I'd like to clarify. Kazoo, you actually have to do all of the work. Because Kazoo, it makes you think that you just blow into it and it's going to do whatever.

No, you have to find the pitch. You have to really go like... Because you're not blowing, really. You're just humming. It's a hum amplifier. Exactly. More humming it's a hum amplifier exactly exactly more than it's and you know and when i say that you actually have to do all the work i think it made it sound like i don't think that you have to do work with other instruments because you do that is the whole point if you could be playing an instrument like preternaturally

gifted at any instrument like just yeah i born a prodigy mozart level type shit yeah what instrument which one yeah i go back and forth between a piano and like shredding the electric guitar i think would be the coolest thing to be able to just do in in a really professional way yeah i think about you i think piano for you okay so the question was about me specifically not just the concept of piano for you why because i think you have such a good singing voice and you love elton john so much i just feel like i can imagine you banging out the keys going i remember when like more than well a couple of the sounds that i really like was switchblade since we're speaking of music yeah switchblade

and probably motorbike yeah yeah same that's funny's funny. I think for you, for you, the instrument would be lute. No, fuck off. Because it's like you give ancient times. Ancient? Yeah. You give ancient. You give renaissance, but not in like a cool way.

An ancient man. Oh, you're kind of giving an ancient man. An ancient man. Ancient man. Oh, God. I remember playing kazoo in like kindergarten like music class and that was very fun what would you play oh i mean name them hot cross buns uh I had a little lamb. Oh, shit. Yeah. Silent night. No, I'm not even. I'm. One a penny. One a penny.

Two a penny. Hot cross buns. You ever had a hot cross bun? If anyone wants. No, I haven't. But they seem yummy. Yeah. I'm in kind of an English muffin phase right now. Really?

I'm in my English muffin era. Kind of your knockoff crumpet beat? I'm kind of on my, I'll do two fried eggs. One half of the English muffin will be toasted, buttered. A little bit of salt. And that'll kind of act as a vehicle for the eggs. So, you're not disgusted by egg

anymore. No, I'm back on the egg train. The other half will be a little bit of butter, a little bit of jam. And that'll be my sweet treat for after I finish the eggs and the savory. So were you doing gluten-free English muffins? No, I wasn't having English muffins. I was having gluten-free sourdough, which was fucking nasty. With a fried egg on it?

I wasn't doing eggs. Oh. So that's why. We need to get into reviews for Kazooz. Because we are on another planet well let's set an intention if you could be on any planet for christ's sake let's set an intention for the love of for the love of christ um okay um no it's gonna be the most ancient episode the crustiest dustiest crypt keeperist episode the oldest episode it's to be the crustiest, dustiest, cryptkeeper-est episode. Yeah, it's going to be the oldest episode.

It's going to be the most ancient man episode you've ever heard. An ancient man. An ancient man. Have you seen that video? No, I have no idea what I'm referencing. You have no idea what you're talking about. There's a video where it's a guy who's doing the interviewing people on the street type thing.

And he's in the club or something for some reason. You can say Billy Eichner. It's not Billy Eichner. It's not recess therapy. And he goes, would you rather date a rich man or a poor man? And she goes, an ancient man. An ancient man. From the 1800s before technology? I have seen that. Don't you want to run away with me? An ancient man an ancient man like from the 1800s before technology i have don't you want

to run away with me man and i'm like she's everything to me and then she kind of scampers off and he's left there is a dude who was interviewed that one of those kind of things it was like it was like okay she's a 10 but and then like all of a sudden she's like she's a 10 but she lives in a different country and every answer is dude he's like that's okay i love to travel 10 and he's like she's a 10 but she doesn't make a lot of money and has her job that's okay i'll work and provide for us 10 and she's like nothing faced he's like she's a 10 but she's extremely famous cool. I want to be famous too. 10. Those aren't good ones. Those aren't like, you know.

It should be like, she's a 10, but she's like the salt burn guy. Well, it was like, she's a 10, but she's friends with your ex. And he's like, cool, we could all be friends. 10. I thought you were going to say, she's a 10, but she's French. Let's take a quick break and we'll be back with Kazoo. Review Kazoo Kazoo. Razoo kazoo review kazoo kazoo razoo kazoo and we're back with razoo karu

do you want us guys you want to start? Guys, if you're listening to this episode, I'm so sorry. Hey, I want to say something right now. Yeah. And this isn't normal. Like, a lot of podcasters won't say this to you, okay? Oh, my God. He's really going to give you everything.

No, like, seriously. Like, even, like, you know, even the edgiest, yeah, I said it, podcaster you can think of wouldn't say what I'm about to say. Joe Rogan wouldn't tell you shit. Even Joe Rogan. You think Joe Rogan's going to be honest with you? Yeah, dream on. If you are listening to this before 8 p.m., turn it off and listen to it tonight. Because you can't fully understand the headspace that we are in

if you're listening to this while the sun is up, okay? No, no, this is a nighttime listen. This is a slumber party delirium type episode. And if you're not going to join us in that headspace, I don't want you here. Then you can leave.

I don't want you here. No, and it's like, we have so many other episodes that are like very much for like daytime. Oh, I would say a lot of them. Yeah. Probably most of them. But this one is not that. So if you're listening to this in the day and you're like, oh, what is this?

This is awful. This is disgusting. It's because it's daytime when you're listening. This is not for your morning commute. This is for you just left a party and you're thinking like, I shouldn't have fucking said that. Oh, I should not have. Why did I fucking say that oh my god you idiot you stupid idiot and you're like i'm just i'm just ruminating i gotta put some fucking noise on so otherwise i'm just gonna be like yeah why did i make a joke about that fuck and then fuck that's not funny fuck you can't you

can't joke about princess die and then you can't joke about that and then you put this podcast on and you're not thinking about princess diana and the horrible thing you said you're thinking about you're thinking about what are they talking about razoo because razoo and then i'm sorry you crashed i'm kidding don't crash don't crash don't crash please don't crash don't crash but you can crash on your bed listening to this episode when you're like, oh my God, what a day. You know what? I may have said some dumb shit tonight, but at least I'm not them.

At least I'm not saying dumb shit on a podcast. At least I'm not them. And that, if there's anything I want people to take away from this podcast, it's at least I'm not them. Let's get into it. You starting. You're starting, right? You starting.

Hey, I'm going to read a review. Did did you know that i'm excited to hear your review did you know that i saw a rat yesterday did you saw a rat yesterday did you know that did you know why was i saying that why was it right yesterday. Did you know that? I saw it right yesterday. Did you know that? Such a lucky crazy thing to say. This is for Lovestown Kazoos. Musical instruments, six-piece metal kazoos, flute for kids, gift price, party favor, gift bag, fillers. Okay. Three stars from Jacqueline S.

No, I got this one. I literally have the same review. No, you're lying. I bought this pack just for the blue one. Oh, wait, no, give her a last name and then you can read it. Oh my god. Jacqueline Snowden. Jacqueline Snowden. Edward Snowden.

Do you want to read it or should I? Naughty Your Sister. Let's read it trading off every other word. No, can you imagine a worse auditory experience? You read it. You read it. The title is, I Doubted Myself. Yeah.

I bought this pack just for the blue one. I loved the color, and I needed a cheap kazoo for a project. I whip out the blue kazoo, blow through it, just air. I question myself, am I playing the kazoo wrong? How much of a failure am I that I can't play a kazoo? I tried the other end. I tried the other end. Not better. I watched a video on how to play a kazoo. I tried again, using a different breathing technique. Still nothing. So disappointed. So I tried one of the other colors, even though I only wanted the

blue kazoo. A rich kazoo-y sound came forth. I tried another color, also a rich yet slightly different kazoo-y sound. I tried each kazoo in the pack and found success. I looked back at the blue kazoo. The only color I wanted. It was a dud. It didn't work. And not only that, but it had gaslighted me into thinking that it was my fault! Never again will I doubt my kazooing. Instead, I will only grade three stars to the product for including a faulty blue kazoo.

The only color I wanted. Then why did you buy a whole pack? Why would you buy six kazoos if you only wanted one? Because sometimes you have to risk it for the biscuit. Sometimes a kazoo will gaslight you. I'm like, whoa, it's a big accusation.

Sometimes you will try blowing into both ends of a kazoo to try and make the sound. The fact that you would try blowing into the other end before you would think, well, I'll pick up another one and see if that's the... It's like trying to smoke the filter of a cigarette. Well, maybe if

I tried this side, it'll work. There's something in the reading of that and how it's written that's giving college audition monologue. Oh, fuck. Don't say that. That's so visceral. For those of you who have not gone through the process of auditioning for a theater collegiate program. First of all, congratulations.

You made the right choice with your life. Second of all, there are just just in the process of auditioning for theater schools you go through a lot of monologue books you go through a lot of monologue websites trying to find something that is uh well suited for you but also like for some reason it's like i know for some reason you want to try and find material that isn't overdone because it's like these people who are watching these auditions are seeing the same fucking monologues for like 16 hours a day. I ate the divorce papers.

I ate the divorce papers. I ate ketchup. I ate ketchup and they were good. And so you'll find monologues that are just like, you know, some people just write monologues for theater and they aren't part of a play or anything. It's just like,

and they aren't good either. No. And a lot of them are not good. And so this was really giving that it's like yeah okay next up um okay admin coming into the hallway um all right number 34 number 34 trent barker have Trent Barker in the hall. Oh, wait, that's me. Hi. Yeah, I'm here. Hi, come on in.

We're ready for you. Thank you so much for waiting. I know that it's a crazy, crazy day. Yes. Come on in. I got all turned around. No worries. We're just right in here.

Wow. I'm Shelly. I'm kind of the admin for this whole day. It's just crazy. You know, here at Carnegie Mellon, we are just like the amount of people coming through these doors. The amount of people coming in. Well, thank you for taking some of your valuable time to meet with me. Trent, by the way.

Yeah, no, I know, buddy. Barker. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a dog. Oh, hey, that's really good. Hey, just a heads up, standing outside the door. Just a heads up. We've got Adam and Misty in there. They're going to be the two faculty members who are watching you today.

Okay. You seem like such a silly, funny guy. Uh-huh. They really think of the theater as like a sacred art okay like you know it is as ancient as human life itself who are we if not storytellers and so it's like you know bark like a dog i would just keep that to a minimum okay yeah i mean um i'm just trying to help you out because it's like i really like your energy i just want to make sure that like you know that they are like they're very excited to see everybody who comes in but they're also they take it very seriously yeah i mean i'm a little nervous

to hear you say that um okay just because i i looked on the website and they said that the requirements were a um one contemporary um comedic monologue yeah and. And so I was going to do that. But now that you're saying. No, no, no. They love comedy, but just they want to make sure that you're taking it seriously. Well, of course. They don't want you to think that this is a joke. No, I would never.

Fear is my life ever since. No, you don't even care. Sorry. Oh, no, I do. They're probably waiting for us in there no come on you can talk to me well when i was in seventh grade nobody really liked me much but then we were putting on bye bye birdie and uh a classic you don't even want to hear this i'm sorry i sure do no come on i hey you definitely won't be able to tell them so you can absolutely tell me

right well the actor playing birdie he had an accident let's say and they didn't have anyone to turn to so they put me in under study to lead role pretty big deal for a seventh grader uh yeah the biggest yeah congratulations um thanks anyway ever since then i mr birdie of course mr conrad no i know i was just like a dog remember oh yep okay well you know what it's time they're very excited to see you so why don't you just go in and break a leg, Mr. Barker? Ruff! Okay. Do you think I should change my monologue? No, my God. I think I should. I think I should.

They don't want to hear something comedic. Don't second guess it. Don't second guess it. Go, go, go. Pushing you in. Okay, okay. Hello. Hello, hello.

God, look at you. What a fresh-faced little daisy. You can't say that to them. No, oh my God, I was just saying that he's a fresh-faced little daisy. That doesn't sound right. It's not problematic. He's a daisy in a great way. Sorry, we're getting off on the wrong foot.

You are Mr. Barker. Correct. Trent Barker. Yeah. Well, thank you so much for coming in. I'm Adam. Barker. Correct. Trent Barker. Um, yeah. Oh, well, thank you so much for coming in. I'm Adam. Nice to meet you. I'm Misty. Misty, yeah. Nice to, nice to meet you, Mr. Barker. I read your bio on the website. I was really excited to see that you had done a production of Into the Woods. I love that show. Yes, thank you thank you you know regional theater is nothing to sneeze at i would

never sneeze at it well i appreciate that you know children will listen that's if any if i've learned anything from the great late great steve sondheim that is did you know him i knew him as best as i could through taking on his music i find that when you really give yourself to the work, it's in many ways, I did know him quite personally. That's so cool. In all ways, except for meeting him in person, but enough about us.

Yeah. Sorry. So it's, it's one contemporary comedic and one contemporary dramatic, right? Yeah, that's exactly right. Okay.

And what have you brought in for us today? Yeah, do you want to, which one do you want to see first? Probably the comedic, right? Get it out of the way. No, we love comedy. We love comedy. Comedy. What does that mean, get it out of the way?

Kidding. I love your voice. Okay, I'll start. So my name's, my name's trent barker like a dog um and i will be proportion of fucking done that and i will be performing a monologue um is that part of the piece i don't know i think he's about to start this is a piece um oh so it wasn't part of the piece. No, he's starting now. So the bark thing was a joke. I will be doing Thomas from Firefight Me to Hell. Is this an original?

He's a fireman in this scene. Is this an original piece? No. Well, it's not plagiarized, if that's what you mean. That's not what I asked. I asked. I asked if you wrote this or if this is one of those monologue book pieces. I got it from a book. Okay, great.

Firefight Me to Hell. So this is Thomas. I hate that it's from a book. He can hear you. Tell me. I heard that. Firefight Me to Hell. No, I know that one.

I feel like we've heard Firefight Me to Hell all day. I heard that. Firefight me to hell. No, I know that one. I feel like we've heard firefight me to hell all day. I just want something new. Just like the context, the character is a firefighter and he just found out something he didn't like about his wife. If he does the piece that says, you light my heart ablaze,

if he starts with that one, I am going to scream. I'm going to flip the table. Cindy, you light my heart ablaze and trent thank you so much we're gonna stop you there no why i was laughing it was so fun it's so funny have you heard it before trent trent i feel like we can be honest with you of. We have heard that piece 65 times today so far. Oh. So you can forgive us if we're a little, you know, our fires have been fought and we lost the battle.

No one else at my high school knew it. I thought I was okay. No, it's okay. Do you have anything else? An original piece, perhaps? Um, I guess there's one thing I can think of off the top of my head but it's kind of out there

no because I do see on your resume that you are a writer as well which is very we love a multi-hyphenate we do in our program we really encourage you to make your own work yeah yeah so I wrote this

this is something I and is that true? this is something I wrote this um this is something i and is that yeah this is something i wrote um this is a the character um basically all you need to know about him is he owns a um chocolate factory and he's having a bunch of kids come to tour it um and he's picking one and the one one of them just he's kind of mad at and so this is what billy bunka is saying derivative interesting no original on wrong sir wrong under section 37b of the contract signed by him it states quite clearly that all offers shall become null and void and you can read it for yourself in this photostatic copy.

You stole the fizzy lifting drinks. You bumped into the ceiling, which now has to be washed and sterilized. So you get nothing. You lose. Good day, sir. Wow. We need more. Sorry. I'm sorry. Was that my out loud voice? My more. Sorry.

I'm sorry, was that my out loud voice? My God, Trent. Of course it was your out loud voice. That was astounding. You wrote that. Word for word. Of course, it's from my original script. Well, remind me what the name of the script is.

I don't think you mentioned it. Barley and the chocolate fuckery. Oh my God, he's not afraid to shock yeah trent this is something really i'm gonna say right off the bat obviously we're gonna admit you because that performance was pretty incredible fuck yes but most oh fuck i can't wait to fucking tell all those little nobodies I went to high school with how much I'm going to shit on them when I'm older. Trent. What? Obviously, we're all thinking that, but you can't say that out loud.

Okay. Trent, what we want of you. I can give you more. We're looking. That's exactly right. We want you. We want Billy and the Chocolate Fuckery. Barley.

To be Barley and the Chocolate Fuckery. Yeah. To To be barley and the chocolate fuckery. Yeah. To be our main stage student written production. Stop. Stop. You're fucking around. I'm not.

I'm not. This is the best. This is the best. Do you think you can get us 20 more pages by the beginning of the semester? I can give you 60 by tonight. Well, send him over.

Okay. Don't Okay Cut to Trent at home Okay so Obviously that one part was lifted from A certain piece but I don't need to know that I can just fill in the blanks with my own work

Grandpa Joe No that doesn't work That's the original character's name Grandpa Maybe Bo grandpa joe no that doesn't work he's the that's the original character's name um grandpa um maybe bo yeah that's right um grandpa bo burnham no wait that's already a guy fuck oh i don't know i don't know cut to cut to the first rehearsal of barleyley and the Chocolate Fuckery. Hey, everybody. So I'm the playwright, Trent Barker, freshman.

Probably a lot of you guys don't know me yet, but I'm... Oh, no, we know about you. We hear that you're kind of a prodigy. Not you. There's no way you know about me. You're Stella Radler. You're the coolest girl in school. You're a senior, and you've got legs all the way from here to heaven. Oh, stop it. You're so cute.

You've got a voice like an angel and a little cutie. No, but I'm so honored to be in Barley and the Chocolate Fuckery. Like, honestly, playing Billy, Billy Fonka. I am like, I'm such an, it's such an honor to genderbender role my senior year. Yeah. I honestly, it's embarrassing to admit this, but I kind of wrote that part with you in mind. No, you didn't. Stop it. You are so cute, guys.

Isn't he just the cutest? I drove down to the city last year, and I saw you in that production of The Cherry Orchard. Oh, my God. I loved that. That was such a fun show. You saw that? Of course.

I thought your performance was seismic. Oh, my god. Dude, he's just kissing your ass because he wants to get in it. Roger, that was a really weird thing to say. Oh, don't you... Lest we forget, I forget about you, Roger. I've got something up my sleeve. For me?

Yes. Oh, did you see me in Shrek the Musical? I imagine you did. I don't blame you. I kind of blew everybody away. Lord Farquaad, the turn that I took as Lord Farquaad kind of put me on the map in a pretty big way. No, not Shrek the Musical.

I saw you in that Fringe show from last year. Oh, oh yeah. Where you played the boy who fell in love with his donkey. Yeah, that was a metaphor for the rise of fascism yes that one i did as a favorite in one of the faculty well i was really moved by it oh well thanks yeah when i wrote grandpa boham, I kind of had you in mind. That's... You don't have to say that. Is that even true?

Of course it's true. You're six foot eight. No one else could play him. You're huge. Thanks. I really appreciate you seeing me like that. Thank you. Of course.

So I guess we start putting this thing on its feet? Yeah. So obviously, I don't like to think of it as a musical. It's a play with music. And for the first opening scene, of course, you will be singing Welcome to Chocolate Factory. Oh, yes! That's my song?

Yes, I know, which is a little weird that Grandpa Bo Burnham is the one singing Welcome to Chocolate Factory. But it's basically about, like, he's, like, saying it to Charlie. Oh, he wishes he could. Right, exactly. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I get it already. He's in the bed and he's imagining what it would be like. And it's kind of the song where he gets out of the bed and it's like, oh, my God, his muscles haven't atrophied.

You know, he's alive. Yeah. And that sort of stuff. I mean, I'm ready i'm if you want to give me a starting note yeah um it's gonna be b buzz buzz that's funny like a b bark yep bark okay he he okay let me just get the lyrics up really quick oh no not the lyrics it's not a musical it's a play with music. Sorry, what version are you on?

On the drive? What version? What version are you on on the drive, on the Google Drive? What version do you have? IB2. Does it say definitive at the end? Yes. Okay, then that's the right one. I'm sorry.

Go ahead. No, you don't have to apologize. Thank you. Thank you. And I just want to say, Tech, thank you for your patience. We're going to get there. We're going to get gonna get there for a first rehearsal really far along yeah well i work i work kind of unconventionally okay here we go welcome to chocolate factory did you just gulp i'm just oh he's nervous i'm just like no you like, this is seriously a big moment for me.

Like, to see my words, my people, my characters, my friends, my family, that's what they feel like in my head. To see them enacted on the stage like this is going to be just like unlike anything I've ever seen. And it's like a really moving moment for me. And it's powerful that you all are willing to be here with me. No, and we're so excited because you're such a protege. And this is going to be the best play with music anyone has ever seen. I swear, Cindy, you better

stop right now before I propose. You flirt. No, it's Bo. Can I please sing? Please sing, Bo. Oh. Barley. Oh, Barley, my boy i can get up and dance why i'll dance for joy because today is the day

and we're on our way welcome to chocolate factory and out of the bed you and out okay and out of the bed welcome to chocolate factory grab the cane grab the cane there's there's milk and there's dark and there's white and nutty i'm gonna change that and don't worry guys i'm gonna change that one i'm gonna change that one don't worry and caramel and nutty i said nutty twice because i'm a nut. It's time to welcome to Chocolate Factory. To Factory. Okay, and I want you to acknowledge that rest. Okay.

Because that's there on purpose. Which one? The one after Factory. Factory. His breath. And then are you going to do Barley's part? For now, yeah. We're still casting.

Yeah, why don't you jump in for barley okay um so sorry yeah and i just you know if you guys look at the front of the character descriptions there's you know you'll see there's some accents and stuff we're trying out so just roll with it yeah welcome to chocolate factory grandfather de, you have gotten out of bed. I thought that you were almost dead. I want you in my life again. You can walk? Who knew?

I want you. I want you. To the chocolate factory we go. And then Joe Marsh. To the chocolate factory we go. Joe Marsh. Grandmother Joe Marsh. I'm sorry, is she here?

Is she here? Yeah, I'm the other freshman who's part of the production. I'm sorry, is she here? Is she here? Oh, uh, yeah. I'm the other freshman who's part of the production. I'm really excited to be here. Alright, eager. Um, do you wanna comment on your part there? Yeah, yeah, I'm sorry. I'm just like, I've been so wrapped up in how awesome this song is. Understandable, but

let's focus up here, guys. Um, so it's gonna be, welcome, you're welcome, go with me to the chocolate factory. And then Joe Marsh, Joe Marsh. And then you come in. And then I come in with Joe Marsh, Joe Marsh. And perfect. That is my name.

Okay. And I think we're going to cut the rest of that because we are cutting it for time. And that's the song. I think we're cutting the rest for time. Joe Marsh, hard black, out. And then Lights Up. Lights Up on Billy's chocolate fuckery.

And Cindy. Yeah, that's me, all right. Now is the time where we can talk about you and your delicious portrayal. Of Billy? Of Billy Funka. of billy of billy funka okay i'm just gonna cut right to it yeah just say the words hey fucks welcome to my fucking chocolate fuckery are you guys ready to fucking get inside and have some fucking chocolate, you little fuck? Yeah, I mean, you know.

No, Billy, sorry, Billy. Barley, you come in with your line. No, I'm just sorry. This is Trent speaking. That was exactly how I pictured it. We don't need to keep, we just go. Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I just, Cindy. Are you ready to come into the chocolate fuckery, you fucks?

I am in love with you. Okay, I'm going to start now. Thank you. Now do your line. I love you. Okay. Are you ready to come into the chocolate fuckery, you fucks? Oh, but my grandfather's running late.

He has gotten hit by the tram. Oh, no. My backup. You think. My backup. My backup. Joe Marsh, will you come to the factory with me? Joe Marsh! Joe Marsh! And we're cutting the rest of Joe's part for time, unfortunately.

Yeah, that's just going to be the way it is. Cut to the curtain call of opening night. Oh, fuck. Everyone loves it you know thank you guys speech speech who's saying that who's saying that wow um thank you guys uh no settle down settle down settle down. I don't deserve this. I really don't. Oh, come on. No, I'm serious. I have to come clean about something.

This work is not entirely my own. What? What? I know a lot of you think that this was the original script. This prodigy, this wunderkind came up with. But it wasn't. It was a group effort. From every single person you see here on this stage tonight.

We all put it together. Especially you, Cindy. My hot wife to be. Stop it. I think you are like a little brother to me. I love that. All right, guys. Get home safe.

And don't forget to come back next week. Don't forget to buy the tram, huh? I'm just a little person. Then maybe... And we'll see if we keep that scene. Now, Riley, no, bear with me. What if the theater falls, collapses in on itself, kills them all? Yeah, yeah, yeah. We have one more.

It's for the same kazoo. Okay. It's one star, though. Oh, they must have really disliked... From Mannyoo. Okay. It's one star though. Oh, they must have really disliked it. From Manny M. Okay. Manny, parentheses,

Modern Family. Manny, Modern Family. One star. Seven out of ten. Didn't. Oh, sorry. That wasn't a rating.

It was seven out of the ten kazoos. I was going to be like, okay, one out of five to seven out of 10 didn't oh sorry that wasn't a rating it was it was seven out of the 10 one out of five to seven out of ten does not the math there sorry that was wrong wrong seven out of ten didn't work totally embarrassing had quite a laugh trying though what do you mean embarrassing i was i was really embarrassing i tried to do this cool thing and it all just got so mucked up so embarrassing to not play kazoo well i'm like thinking of like uh you bring somebody home on the first date. You ask all the girls up to show them your kazoo. Oh, come on. I haven't done that since college.

No, I'm a bit more refined in my ways now. I got you here, didn't I? That's true, I guess. No, but I really did have a good time tonight. Tonight was really fun. Yeah. You're kind of not like other girls. Stop.

I'm just like me. No, really. No, but like you don't live for the drama and you're cool. Of course not. I mean, ask me what my three favorite things are. What are your three favorite things beers the bears oh my god getting baked the three oh my god uh will you marry me sorry and i'm kidding i don't believe in marriage who needs a piece of paper to tell two people that they love each thank you all these other girls i swear every other girl I grew up with is like obsessed with like having

this big wedding and having the whole day be about her. And I'm like, dude, that is selfish. Like the day should be about you and your husband. You are the perfect woman. I'm serious. I'm just like,

wait, why are we doing this? If we really loved each other wouldn't we just like i don't know go to the courthouse and then go to like dave and busters if that not even go to the courthouse because again i think it's a really um right anyway you don't even yeah no and i don't even like want to do it even at the courthouse either so no listen all that to say is that i wouldn't have invited you up here if you weren't the coolest girl i'd ever met so i know you're pretty lucky

i know you're inviting i'm not what are you talking about i'm not a player i've seen you on campus you love it you love to take you'd love this you know i know who i know what i love this i know what this is to you i have no illusions okay so just don't come on i love a cat and mouse chase i'm cool i told you already i'm chill i'm a chill girl you don't need to worry about like convincing me i'm the one like no you already know and that's what's so hot about you is that, you know, you're beautiful. You know,

you're cool. Yeah. And I have a little something I want to show you. Okay. Why don't you take a seat on the couch? Oh, I, yeah,

sure. It's kind of weird. We've been standing this whole time. I know, but you're cool like that. I don't even mind standing. You can sit down if you want. Sure.

Since you're offering. Only if you want to though. I do want. Wow. I'm a guy who's all about a woman's right to choose. Don't think I didn't notice that. I'm a guy who's all about a woman's right to choose. Don't think I didn't notice that.

Well, and I just want to say, while I appreciate that, I'm not the kind of girl who cares about politics. I'm not going to not be with you because of your- Humming a humming a humming a. It's like who you voted for has nothing to do with you and me. So don't even worry about that. God, you are a cool glass of water that's just going down smooth what can i say i take after my dad can i just say really quick before i show you the thing i was gonna show you yeah i love a girl who takes after their dad thank you i'm like obsessed a lot of like people don't like

that i'm like that but have they said that to you yes like other guys like no i'm serious like other guys have like said stuff to me like honestly at first i thought it was cool that you were always like drinking beers and going to the game but now it's like i wish it like oh why don't you like you know they want you to be a trad wife right they're like why don't you learn how to make bread and stay at home with oh you know why don't why don't why can't i sire you know a new generation of thought leader you know those fuckers i mean listen yeah do we all want to sire a new generation of thought leaders absolutely at the end of the day who doesn't I've never met a man who didn't

no and you still have not this guy my whole thing that was my mom and dad's relationship is cool girl and sire of a generation of thought leaders I grew up surrounded by that and I thought

well damn if it worked for them it works for you know what I mean? And this is honestly what I've been searching for I think my whole life. That's stop. You get it. You're being too much. You're being too much. No you're being too perfect.

Fuck. I have Kevin warning. Can I say another thing really quick? I can't be up this late leg i love that you curse no i love that these prissy girls who are like oh i don't do that it's like fucking shit and balls oh my god i mean it's like i can barely keep my clothes on right now i am just like so you know say it again say it again i'm serious these girls are are like, no, I've never shit. It's like, no, I take fucking dumps, dude. I really do.

I really do. I have IBS. God is real and she is listening to me. Now don't think I didn't notice that. That was something special. God's a woman. If she is sending me a woman who shits and says fuck, takes massive dumps and says crap,

yeah, sign me up. And I just want to say, before we go any further with this, which I'm not expecting, by the way. I'm not expecting that. It's like, if you don't go down on me, I don't even care.

Oh my god. But I will go down on you. Oh my god. Period. Period. You are everything. Stop. What do you even want to show me? Seriously, I have cam in the morning.

I want to play you a song on my kazoo to show you how much I care. I love that music. Okay. You ready? Hell yeah. Shit. Sorry. Hold on.

Oh. No, no, no. It happens sometimes. Oh. No, no, no. It happens sometimes. Oh, my God. What the fuck? Sorry. Let me try the other end. Hold on.

It's just a troubleshoot. It's so weird. It normally is the sound is like it's supposed to make the sound, but it's not. It's just like the air. Yeah. Maybe try one of the other ones. Oh, yeah. I have a whole wall full.

Yeah. It's probably just like that one's broken or something. Fuck. Sorry. No, don't. You don't need to be mad. You don't need to be mad. You don't.

No. I forgot. You love cussing. It's fine. Try a third one. No. Like, seriously, I didn't even, come up here for that anyway. I do not want this to be your memory of the night. No, it's not. I'm going to try the fourth one.

We only have seven. Okay. It's a little something. It's not what it... Do you want me to try? Maybe I'll try and I'll see if I can... No, no, no. Okay. One thing I don't like is when women want to try things. Okay. So if you want to do that. No, no, no. Okay. One thing I don't like is when women want to try things.

Okay. So if you want to do that, no, no, no. I'm not saying that that's who you are. I'm just saying that that's the vibe I was picking up on. Sensitive today. No, no, no.

I'm not. I'm not. One thing I'm not is sensitive. Sorry. Did I get confused? Which one of us is PMSing right now? I swear. It's you. It's you. It's you it's obviously you it's not me i'm gonna try the fifth kazoo okay

nothing fuck it it's number six i don't think that's something not enough not enough okay number seven if this doesn't work i'm going to hurt someone and what was that myself oh number seven number seven no please rachel i'm not leaving promise i might not that i'm needy or anything. Just try and play the one. What does it make you think of? That was actually my... let me keep playing it's crazy um that was actually my ex's and my like song what that's kind of crazy um wait whoa hold on hold on hold on i might have misunderstood a lot you have an ex yeah mike from he's literally in our oh he's literally in the no

bio lab with rachel rachel rachel yeah the whole night just fell apart Rachel, Rachel, Rachel, Rachel. Yeah? The whole night just fell apart. Why? Because you found out I've dated other guys? I wanted you to be my flower. Oh, I don't think about that. I don't think that's... I think about it all the time. That's weird, man.

I'm weird? You take dumps. Of course I do. I'm a human being. No, come on, Rachel. It's just I... I was gonna ask you to stay, but I don't know if things will be the same now. I don't want to stay. To be clear. I don't want you to stay. I got the ick on kazoo number three, if we're being perfectly honest.

No, you're lying. Yeah. No, but it's normally they all work all the time. No, can I be- Maybe it knew that you were unpure. Okay. First of all, I want to say I've been with a lot of guys, okay? And you're not the first-

Oh my God. Oh my God. And you're not the first who's done this. And you're sure as shit not the first guy who got, you know, blue balls when it came to playing the kazoo and couldn't fucking get there, okay? And I want to say, I never care, okay? I never care about that. But what tells me a lot is how you handle it, okay? And you got angry.

And I didn't like to see that side of you, okay? So I'm going to get out of here so you just you just fucking like you're just a you're just a sad little guy huh fuck i pity the girl that ends up with you man i love when you cuss it's kind of bringing me back i will never be your fucking rad trad wife i don't want a trad wife i want a cool girl who says fuck and i'm sorry well you lost her of you about dumping because i think it's so cool that you do no come on no i'm serious i love that you are a nasty nasty dumper i am a dumper though i take the shit and if you're thinking of winning me back don't do some big romantic gesture i hate that shit from the chandelier

i love that song. I love you. Stop. It's too soon. Not soon enough. For what? The rest of our lives. That's too much commitment. Fuck, really?

Yeah, I'm gonna go hook up with my ex. I love them. What's their story, man? What's their story? How long have they... Should we do our last segment? Oh, yeah, for sure. Yeah. That was the kazoo version

of the Strictly Album Vlog. Kazoo's version. Red's kazoo's version. Kazoo's version. What's been shaking your ass? Okay. I have a preemptive shaking of me. Okay, what's preemptively shaking you?

I just want to warn you and everybody listening. Okay. About what kind of person I will be when the Wicked movie comes out. Bad? Like a bad person? I don't think you understand. I have seen Wicked 14 times. When it was at the Pantages in like the mid-2000s in LA,

they had a Wicked lottery. My dad and I had weird luck with that we won the wicked lottery a shit ton of times i have seen that that musical was everything to me everything and i was in a bootleg illegal production of it when i was in sixth grade who did you play elphaba come on come on she's bragging she's bragging and the audition process it was only like eight of us in the show eight fucking sixth graders and it was an after-school thing at this like theater program local theater program and the audition was all of us sitting on the ground in a room getting up and singing songs one by one

and the director in the moment being like you're this person you're this person you're this person it was very it was so bizarre but i was in green and had the time of my life anyway i saw the trailer a couple things it's just i've been listening to wicked a a lot more lately. It's bringing all that back. And also to see Jonathan Bailey as Fiyero is going to be the unraveling of me. I'm not going to stop talking about it. It hasn't even come out yet. Jonathan Bailey. Can I issue you a challenge right now? Okay.

I want you to go into that movie and find someone else, too. I'm not going to ask you to not be, like, thirsting after Jonathan Bailey, but I want you to, like, be creative. I mean, wait, what are you saying? I'm saying, like, Jonathan Bailey's, like, everybody's thinking that. You normally have fucked up ones. I'm sure that, I'm sure that Jeff Goldblum is going to do something.

Okay, that's like, not like, I am sure that he will. Yeah, I guess it's just like, not fucked up enough. No, no, no. I didn't say it was fucked up. I'm saying that it's like,

it's one of my more normal ones. And it's just that it's a hemisphere is going to be. Okay, what do you want me to say one of the flying monkeys I'm sorry I wanted you to say Ethan Slater but only as Spongebob here it comes here it comes

okay yeah I mean that's not controversial he's hot as hell anyway so Wicked I'm gonna be a Wicked girly again sorry that's what's shaking me do you down the wizard and me Sorry. That's what's shaking me. Do you... Down, down.

The wizard and me. Well, what's been shaking me? I watched True Detective season four. Night. I've heard a lot of controversy. Night country. You can't say that. I said, oh, well.

And, you know, what I'm going to say, I would watch Jodie Foster fucking tire shoes for six hours. And a lot of people have a lot of opinions about it. And you know what I'm going to say? I don't give a shit. I watched it. It was was fine i liked it i was entertained it was different it was fun it was an engaging story and i loved it now i'm saying it was fine it was okay and i loved it yeah so you don't know where the hell i am i don't know you don't know where the hell I am.

I don't know. I don't know how I feel about it, but I do know that I'm irritated by all the people online who are shitting on it. Okay. That's what I'll say. I haven't seen it, so I don't have an opinion. Because I'm like, I don't know. It could be worse.

Yeah. Nothing will ever capture the magic of the first one. I haven't seen any of them they're pretty good some of them well well you can find Alf on Instagram at alfredinnit you can find the show on Instagram at reviewreview you can find us on reddit

r slash reviewreview discord reviewreview and Jeff and my Patreon is where you cannot find the show but you can find Jeff on my Patreon at patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff and you Patreon is where you cannot find the show but you can find Jeff and my Patreon at patreon.com slash Riley and Jeff and you can find Riley on Instagram.com

just the web browser not the phone app at Riley and Spa and on Twitter.com now known as xxxxxxxxxxxxx .com for as long as it lasts

at Riley Coyote and as we say every single week on the show we're always saying it we're never not saying it that's what we're always saying we'll see you next time

Alfred oh yeah I'll see you next time bye that was a Alfred. Oh yeah, I'll see you next time. Bye! That was a Hiddem Original.