Review Revue - Sparklers

Episode Date: June 4, 2024

It seems today that all you hear is Alfred singing intros while Reilly asks for themes. But where are those good old fan submissions on which we used to rely? >>>>><<<<<Follow at:IG: @reillyanspaugh @alfredinnitTwitter: @reilecoyote Join the discord here!Produced by Daniel Ramos @SchubirdsAdvertise on Review Revue via Gumball.fmSee Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

This is a HeadGum Original. Get that Angel Reef Special at McDonald's now. Let's break it down. My favorite barbecue sauce, American cheese, crispy bacon, pickles, onions, and a sesame seed bun, of course. And don't forget the fries and a drink. Sound good? Ba-da-ba-ba-ba. At participating restaurants for a limited time.

Um, we don't have any theme songs, Al. Oh, do you want me to do one? Yep. Give me a song to parody. Fruit Salad by The Wiggles. Okay, easy, easy mode. Review, review. Funny, funny. Review, review. Funny, funny.

Review, review. Funny, funny. They have to keep going. I guess they don't know the rest of the song. Guys, do you see what happens? Do you see what happens? I forgot they're Australian. We could get a...

Review, review. Funny, funny. We could get someone to do a permanent song, but that's not as funny. Let's make some review, review. Uh-huh. It's a funny. Review salad. Yummy, yummy.

It's really what it sounds like. Review salad. Yummy, yummy. James Swan. I was fading by the edge of reveal, reveal. Yeah, not only did you not do a parody of fruit salad, you did, but you changed one word, and then you did it as covered by the B-52s. Yep, that's right.

We're here. We're in a great mood today. Rock lobster. Do you want to tell the listeners why we're in a great mood? Well, we were going to do two ups back to back. And then we're like, no, our schedules are a little bit more open than we thought. So we're only going to do one. And so now it's like, whoa, the whole day is ahead of us.

The whole Sunday. So just to be clear, the reason we're in a good mood is because we have to do less of this. I love doing this show. But on a Sunday, it's like, oh. It's like when you have plans and then they get cancelled and you're like am I bummed that I'm not getting dinner with that person? Sure. Am I ecstatic

to have an unexpected free evening? Yes. Yes. Yes. Yes. Yeah I am. So what are you going to do with your one wild and precious life? Like what are you going to do with the rest of your day? Probably laundry. Same.

Yeah. Wait, I don't have my fucking coffee. Don't talk to me until I have my coffee. Don't even talk to me until Mommy's had her go-go juice. I'm going to go get my coffee. Vamp. Vamp for a few seconds. Okay. There is a mug that Alfred has that

I really hope he is... Here it is. Found has that i really hope he is here it is found it i really hope he's bringing don't worry i really hope he's bringing that mug um we'll find out he doesn't have his headphones on yet so let's see i was telling them about you have your mug i hope it's the same mug from yesterday when we recorded yes alf why don't you go ahead and describe this mug? Sure. So it's Stitch from Lilo and Fame. And? And, well, he's rainbow in this mug. He's rainbow. It's a big mug.

Big, big mug. And it's part of the Disney Pride collection. And it says Ohana means family. Yes. Well, family means nobody gets left behind or forgotten. It's not even the Disney Pride collection. They call it the. Okay, this is fascinating.

They call it the Disney Rainbow Collection. And it says. God forbid they say pride. It says age 14 plus on the bottom that's bizarre and there it is i was gonna say i was gonna say it was too easy that seemed too easy and too um i don't know unrealistic for disney to openly have a pride collection right it's the disney rainbow collection my chosen family stitch mug but it's only for people who are 14 up and also before you're wondering,

before I get some comments in the discord, no, I didn't pay 40 us dollars for this. I got it from a thrift store for two. Okay. But it's like, what about that screams PG 13? Well,

PG 14. Quite. I mean, I think it's the fact that like, you know, just like, shouldn't we shoving that agenda down? Yeah. And it really is, like, having a Stitch mug.

Like, I wouldn't want my 11-year-old to have this mug. You know what I mean? No. God, no. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. But that's because I can't trust her with anything. I mean, she's violent.

Right. What if I had a daughter? Girl dad. Ew. Girl dad. What's new with you? I would be such a girl dad. Oh my god.

You actually are going to be a great parent to what gender your child is. Oh, that's so powerful. But if I had a kid who was really into musical theater, can you imagine how annoying I would become? Who was not into it or who wasn't? No, who was. Yeah. And I'd be like, Brunhilde, Brunhilde, sing. Sing for, it's the Christmas party.

You always sing. And I'm like, come on, sing it. And she's like, Silent Night. That's sad. And I'm like, no, Defying Gravity. Defying Gravity. That's for the Christmas party. Opt it up.

And you have to opt up. Because if you're going to go to Ripley Greer Studios and you're not opting up, they're not going to call you back. Take a risk. Okay? Nobody got anywhere without taking risks. If my kid is not interested in the arts in some way, I'll still love them. But a little less. A little less. What if you were a boy mom to a child who was like,

he was like, I just want to play lacrosse. I will be beside my, I will love him so much. I will be really, I will go to the hospital. Oh. And I will double check records.

Make sure to do a DNA test. Make sure that there was no swap. Make sure that people didn't accidentally leave with the wrong little slug. Is anyone in your family genetic makeup sort of athletic? My dad is. My dad is quite athletic. My dad played a lot of sports growing up just skipped you a lot of football well and my sister's an amazing dancer right very athletic you are the

outlier she never played like sports but she's an incredible dancer she was a ballerina for a long time she's a modern dancer um and my mom is not a. So I'm going to go ahead and say that my paternal side of the family is quite sporty. Actually, you know what? Everyone on my dad's side of the family is quite athletic. Interesting. So there's a good chance your kid's into lacrosse. But the Irish side? Yeah.

No, no. No, no, no. What if your kid was like, mommy, I want to play rugby. Born and bred to sit in the rain and chat. And chat. And gossip. And gossip, too, no. What if your kid was like, Mommy, I want to play rugby. We were born and bred to sit in the rain and chat. And gossip. Yeah, to drink tea and whiskey and gossip in the rain. That is what we were built to do. And spill tea.

To sip and spill tea. That is what we were built to do. And that is what, that is I think my genetic makeup. Do you think Daniel's family is like athletic? Oh yes. I mean his mom's a dancer, right? Oh my god. His brother was like a baseball player. Is that true? His mom's a dancer. That makes so much

sense now thinking, yeah of course he was a baseball player. He still plays, like he plays soccer. No, like I am so surrounded. He's got those big arms. He's a drummer though, so that happens. Yes, but also like an amazing baseball player. He was on a pro team i think in i want to say puerto rico but i'm forgetting really i have no idea wow um humble bro because if that was me i would everybody would know that about me day day one they met me what's's new? Pussycat. I have the urge to say. You can't call me that anymore.

I've asked you repeatedly. It's a term of endearment. I've asked you repeatedly. I mean it in the best way. I was walking down Sunset Boulevard yesterday. I was on the phone with you, and then I hung up the phone, and I was walking. There was a big biker gang outside, like a big.

It must have been like a meetup because there was like over 100 bikes and 100 people in their vests and everything. It was cool to see, actually. big they must have been like a like a meetup because there was like over a hundred bikes and a hundred uh people and their vests and everything it was cool to see actually and it was outside of the outside of the roxy i think and i was just listening to music on a walk and there was a van like a tmz like selfie tour van or some kind of like hollywood tour jealous van that came up but i didn't see that come up right on my left because i had my noise canceling headphones in but i could hear because a dude on my right one of the bikers yelled hey sugar tits and i thought that i was being i'm like jesus christ what an aggressive cat call but he was smiling and laughing and then i realized i turn and he's

talking to they're like two older blonde women who are like in the van like in this open air van being like and like taking photos of all the bikers and they were loving it they were like having the time of their lives so it seemed you heard it here first riley says sometimes cat calling's okay no that's not according to riley there a context is key and there are times where yelling sugar tits at a stranger i still think i still think that that was a really out of fucking pocket thing to say well they loved it you said so it's i'm saying it's seen that's why i said it seemed it seemed like they exactly and i'm wrong but it seemed like they got a big kick out of that yeah so that's new with me like imagine going on a tmz

tour and you're like oh i wonder who which famous famous people we're going to see. TMZ selfie tour. What does that mean? Not even. But that's what it's like growing up in LA. I have seen all the different kinds of like of tourist buses go through. And there used to just be, and I'm sure there still is, there used to just be like a TMZ tour where they'd go to like all these, you know. Right. Celebrity homes or whatever.

Richard Dreyfuss' house. Right. Celebrity homes or whatever. But it is now a selfie tour. And on the bus it is advertised as such where they stop off at places to get selfies. And so you're just like, this is a selfie of me and Richard Simmons' house or whatever. I guess it's just funny. It's like the change in like i'm sure in those original tours that was happening anyway right but now with the fact that it's branded as take a selfie here is wild to me i know it i mean you're really getting to the crux of it right you're just like boom selfie you know what i mean you're not even pretending but again I guess it still kind of holds of like a TMZ

tour selfie or otherwise and they're like oh you want to see some famous people here's some bikers it was I think it was like because it was just on sunset and they're like all these famous music venues and then it was I mean it was like like hundreds of bikes

lined up and down sunset and like what kind of hog you know the good one here's the one that is like goes hard and fast oh the marley and me's black and sleek the marley and me's yeah it was like a marley and me 5000 yeah yeah yeah that's a hell of a drug yeah the speed on that bitch fucker on that sugar tit honker hog was like something not to be believed. Would you drive a motorbike? No, absolutely not. I would not drive or get on or ride.

No. If Daniel was like, Riley, I got a Vespa. Hop on back, sugar tits. Only if he called me that. Would you do it though? Seriously, would you get on a Vespa? I've ridden on the back of a Vpa before would you do it again not with a new rider only with somebody who was like i was born and i was i was on a family trip i was my mom and i were in italy and we did a vespa tour and so that

was like these two italian men were leading the tour. They're more comfortable on two wheels and two legs Vespin around. I'll say that. I'll say that. What's new with you? I've endorsed catcalling. I've endorsed riding on two wheels on public streets. What else do you want to say?

To be clear, for those of you, I don't want this clipped. I do not endorse catcalling at all in any way, shape, or form. And I also still, I'm not going to ride a motorcycle. Everyone stop trying to get me to ride one. I'm not going to do it. No, please, please ride a motorcycle. Guys, I'm not going to. I'm sorry. I'm not. I'm not going to get on to ride one i'm not gonna do it no please please ride a motorcycle guys i'm not going to i'm sorry i'm not i'm not gonna get on the hog again i spent too many years at marley and

me davidson just like just just just riding hog 24 7 on that hog life i've been on hogs i've been riding hogs my whole life i I can't do it anymore. I've actually been started doing something recently when I'm walking around Chicago called rat calling. And that's when... You go, I saw a rat. Did you know that? You beat me to it. You'll just look around

anyone who's nearby. I saw a rat. Did you know that? Let go of me. Hey, let go of me, mister. But I saw a rat. Did you know that? Let go of me. Hey, let go of me, mister. But I saw a rat. Did you know that? Let go of me. You're so big and strong, mister. Let go. Oh my god, last night I was making pasta with some

friends. Yes, he has friends and he can eat gluten. We were making raviolis. I've never done this before. I'm not Italian-American. I was trying to poke I don't know if you've ever made raviolis. I've never done this before. I'm not Italian-American. And I was, you know, you're trying to poke. I don't know if you've ever made raviolis from scratch, but you're sort of trying to poke the air out of them, right? So there's no air trapped in the pocket.

That sounds quite hard. Because then it'll fucking burst in the pot and won't be. Everybody else at the party, yeah, it was a pasta party party seemed to have the ability to be so delicate and just like poke at them and get the air out and shape them and they look beautiful and then i looked down at mine and it was literally like lenny from mice and men i was just and i was like you beat me to the i would try and do these dainty little pokes to get the air out. Oh, impossible. And I'd look down and there was just these huge dents in the dough. And I was like, what the fuck is wrong with my lead fingers? Just go boom, boom, boom, boom.

It's like Curse of the Were-Rabbit, Wallace and Gromit. And you see all the destruction around town. And Wallace is like, what happened here? Who could have done that? What the hell done that? Mmm, grommet. What the hell was that? That was Stitch and grommet. But we're not here to talk about sugar tits.

We're not here to talk about riding hog. And we're certainly not here to talk about lead fingers. We're here to talk about something exciting. Something igniting. Something illegal to sell on Amazon? Yeah, something you can't find reviews for on Amazon. Oh, I certainly did. You found reviews on Amazon? Yes, we're talking about sparklers.

It's summertime. It's summertime. The night is a little warm. It's a little humid, but not too much. It's just right. And you're out with your friends, and you light sparklers, and you're... Oh, my phone fell. And you are going through the air.

You're writing your name in the air, and you're seeing the lasting glow from the sparkler as you write your name in cursive, and you think, I am going to live forever. I fucking love sparklers i love them they also make me a little nervous because people get them too close to each other too close to their hair too close to faces and they they are they're there's fire they're on fire let's call a spade a spade they're on fire i love you you know that feeling when you're doing the sparklers and then like it's like over and you're like okay we did oh it's so sad and you're just like there in the dark now and it like yes yes it's like i love the smell well we've got some more but i are we done or after the first one it's just like well i'm not gonna do two sparklers yeah

and you're a kid and you're like, I want to light eight at the same time. I will. That was not me. You were safety queen. What I did, if it wasn't the sparklers, I loved the little like rocks, like the pop, like you like throw them at the concrete. Yeah. Little cherry bombs.

Yes. I, at a mere Blumenfeld's wedding, they, as he and Avital were leaving, we all held up sparklers. It was like, there were some great photos, but it was like, you know, we all held up sparklers and they ran down betwixt them and it was very beautiful. That's similar to what you guys did at my wedding.

Similar, but it was, you insisted on lightsabers. You insisted. You said, I'm not going through with this if there aren't, if we're not going to do lightsabers. And you all held up lightsabers and I made you do the Hunger Games whistle as I walked down the aisle. But I remember it was like the wedding coordinator, she was like, okay, everyone get your sparklers. She was passing out sparklers, and we're all in like two rows, and it's outside, and she's like,

but we were under like olive trees, and the branches were low. I remember Jeff and Marika and I looking at each other and we're like, this is like, I think dangerous. Like, I think we misjudged how low the trees are to how high we have to hold the sparklers up and um so i was very nervous but then the wedding coordinator was like you know don't light the trees on fire we're like okay at least thanks for the tip yeah thanks for the tip but then it's

like there were no um i think it was like the to save time we weren't lighting them all individually or like it wasn't like you know everyone got a lighter or whatever it was like trying to do a chain reaction thing of like two people at the front of each it was very difficult it was very difficult um and then we had to put them in a bucket when we were done and it was just i it was hard for me to enjoy that because we were all so close to each other i got a little bit like i got some sparks on me from whoever was next to me. Oh, my God. Jeff. Jesus. Probably Jeff. And so it just made me, in that kind of environment, scared of them. Open air.

Oh, let her rip. Waving that shit around. On the beach. Oh, on the beach. Oh, let her rip. Beach can't catch fire. It's Sam. When was the last time you wielded a sparkler wielded um

that's such a good question probably two three years ago now um i don't really get invited to weddings weddings events generally well funerals um but it's less an invitation. You more just like show up. I show up. Yeah. Yes. Um, it's like funeral crashing. Isn't it? It's like hot tip. Most people don't stop you. Um,

and most, most sometimes, but I love, um, I don't know how I feel about sparklers. Cause it's like, I do love the idea of them. Are they bad for the environment?

I feel like they have to be. They must be. And I feel like they have to cause fires, right? Oh, of course. Wildfires have to, there has to be numerous wildfires that can be traced back to sparklers. I don't know. I just like, I don't like fireworks. I don't either.

I find them distressing. I don't like fireworks. I don't either. I find them distressing. I do not like fireworks. They're too loud. Like, I enjoy fireworks from a distance at which they're barely visible because then you don't have to hear them. But when I'm, like, right under them, I get overwhelmed because I'm a dog at heart. I'm a scared chihuahua. And a dwarfette. Absolutely. And people never thank me enough for that um and i that is i always think whenever i hear fireworks i always i always feel

very sad for people with ptc and for little animals because it's like we can just i know and i and i did i like i struggled in the, middle of the pandemic when there were periods where it was, like, fireworks every single night. Yes. And I really struggled to be cool about that. Well, you also, when people were clanging pots and pans for the... Nurses, yeah. Nurses and medical workers. I got pissed off.

You were mad. And it was, you were like, it, and it kind of pushed past. You would call me, you'd be like, I can't believe they're fucking doing this again.

And I'd be like, oh, it's the noise. Is it overwhelming you? And you were like, oh, it was. And so,

but you didn't, I didn't want to push it because I didn't want you to have to live with like saying anything out loud. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I just was mad. Like, want you to have to live with like saying anything out loud yeah yeah yeah yeah i just was mad like you don't have to i don't want you to say anything that you're gonna no like i think now like we're far enough removed from the pandemic like i'm comfortable saying why i didn't why i was angry at people supporting nurses and doctors um um i'm

gonna cut you off to save you i can't believe that you can buy sparklers on the internet i know it feels that is a firework it is the kind of fire i don't know if you've bought something like off amazon ever that has like a battery in it right and you get the package and it has this big sticker on it that's like warning lithium battery could explode at any minute and like the idea that like we're that nervous about a battery but then we're just actively shipping gunpowder it's really wild it's like they're so like you what i found though on amazon is that you can buy sparklers because they're now branded for weddings and celebrations yeah like it's specifically for like the send off the happy couple and well except they don't say that every single one says bride and groom um it's like send off the happy couple which let's be

honest like you know that makes sense sure you. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. Straight people are doing that at their wedding. Yeah. Let's be honest. It's a little. But I couldn't believe, I was fully excited. I'm like, I'm going to check Amazon. There's no way that you can buy sparklers on there. You have to go to like a firework shop or something.

Right. I was on like fireworks.us. But you were like. I couldn't believe the amount of options that they have to buy it's incredible that's crazy do you want to start i think you should i've started the past three times that can't be true i definitely started the um uh one about the one that did the the one that said the no I did start one recently you fuck it was like um

oh it was the one that with the thing I definitely started the Petco one no you didn't I did 100% no you didn't because I did the one of the dog uncle the dunkle? I don't remember that that's too bad.

Whatever. I'll start. Okay. Whatever, man. Fuck you. Okay. Whatever, man. Holy shit.

I'm fucking sick of you. This is for 100 pieces wedding send off. Oh, tags. Okay. And here it is. Okay. Here it is. So somebody pulled an Alfred.

Woo. I love this. Hell yeah. So somebody pulled an Alfred. Woo! I love this. Hell yeah. Hell yeah. So you got tags for sparklers. Oh, good. But you can still get them. But actually, um...

Whatever. These are the tags for the sparklers. Fuck yeah, I feel fantastic. But the reviews are for the sparklers themselves. I feel so fantastic right now. Oh, I feel high. This is amazing. No, this is different.

Because I actually know it's the same topic. I wasn't like sparkle, sparkle, light up shoes. Like I've actually stayed with the fucking theme. Do what you will. I win. You lose. I feel great. Whatever.

100 pieces, wedding send off tags It says in gold calligraphy Let love sparkle Gold foil stamped metallic paper sleeves With match striker strips for anniversary parties Graduation, birthday, engagement event We'll just rename this episode Sparkler Tags

I hate you What's crazy is like if it's also If you're also gonna market it for graduation and birthday there's something crazy about for graduation let love sparkle happy graduation the love of academia the love of fucking studying here we go five stars from shoe guy so you can either keep the name or change it um shoe shoe shoe guy from the mario games is that a character no it's shy guy oh shoe guy from the mario. Five stars. The title is brilliant. The cool part about these is they last for three minutes.

Go for longer. Consider having them used as an entrance instead of an exit. We were outside the ceremony. First dance and dinner. Better than expected. What? I don't know. We were outside.

It was an outside ceremony first dance and dinner better than expected three minutes do it longer go for longer just fucking write it out you don't have to put them out after three minutes you just let them run. All this bonus time we're getting. I still don't understand the end. Read it one more time for me. Okay. Full thing for context. Full thing for context.

The cool part about these is they last for three minutes. Go for longer. Consider having them used as an entrance instead of an exit. All of that makes sense to me, except for go for longer. But all the entering the wedding instead of like, oh, you're now married, exit. We were outside ceremony, first dance, and dinner better than expected. My interpretation there is maybe that they're saying the ceremony dinner and first dance were all outside like that it was a whole there was no indoor part to the wedding like it was an outdoor reception and outdoor ceremony right but specifying the first dance being outside it's like

we did the first dance outside everybody went inside to keep dancing it's like weird weird choice but okay everybody up to the roof up to the roof for the first dance we do a conga all the way back down into the ballroom it's really wild it's like when i think about i i do want to get married um i understand why people don't i do want to get married but it's like it's very funny because i some podcast i was listening to i'm forgetting what it is or maybe it's an article something about how um people i think by and large want their wedding to be unique but also want it to be the same as every other wedding it's a very fine line isn't it but with the idea of being like no we did ours

a little differently and it's actually the same exact fucking thing but maybe one detail is different and it's fine if it isn't unique it's a very old ceremony that's happening that you can put your own like details to. But it's not like we kind of did ours. Like you're not going to you're going to think like, whoa, did they even get married? Was this a wedding? I know. I feel like I mean, I feel like getting married is a little bit like having a wedding is a little bit like um going on a cruise or like something like that where it's like if you're gonna do it just do it just do it go for

it go on a cruise and you're like yeah i guess we're i guess we're cruise people now like you know what i mean like yeah just fucking be like fucking be like, yeah, we got married. Yeah, we did some stuff that was maybe tacky. We did some stuff that was maybe problematic. We did like some stuff that maybe hasn't aged well. You know, I think doing the garter thing at a wedding is crazy. The garter thing. Remind me what that is. The garter thing where that we're in front of all of your friends and family and uh-huh

uh grandparents cousins estranged uh family friends your if it's a man and a woman the man will go under the wife's dress i beg your pardon pull the garter off of her leg i beg your fucking pardon of everybody yes that's amazing i think every wedding should have that um that's so cool so richard emily thank you so much for choosing us at white dove for your special special day we are gonna do everything we can to make sure that the two of you have the most picture-perfect nuptial ceremony one could ever dream of. Have I offered you champagne yet? If I haven't, I'm so sorry, my assistant Helen. Helen, champagne, bubbles, please, for the happy couple.

Your champagne. Thank you, Helen. Oh, my God. Thank you, Helen. Or some tea, if you prefer. Helen can pick some green tea well we've got the champagne now helen please the tea well sure maybe later um no thank you so much um you know we actually um emily and i went to a ceremony here um a few years ago for a friend. Oh, you did? Yes. Oh, how lovely. Who were they?

We remember every single person who we have graced with our accommodations, our wedding planning. It was Barb and Brian Kaminsky. Barb and Brian. Oh, no, of course. Oh, they, can I just say, and I don't say this about everybody, Richard and Emily,

I really don't. They had one of the most tasteful, beautiful, picture-perfect weddings. Helen, can we agree? I think we've ever seen since we've been working at White Dove. Yeah, no, I mean, it was a beautiful ceremony. And we did fall in love with the venue. I mean, the horse-drawn carriage. Yeah, yeah.

I mean, there were some elements kind of like the horse-drawn carriage. That's kind of the reason we wanted to chat with you is like, you know. We can make that happen for you. We can make yours better. Or make it a little bit more bespoke. Oh, bespoke. Helen, did you hear that? Bespoke.

That is our favorite word here at White Dove. Other than love and other than wedding. And other than marriage. We love the word bespoke. Emily, it's really your idea. Do you want to take it? Yeah. We want it.

We want it to be bespoke. We want it to be bespoke. We want it to be about us. We want it to be a little different. Yeah, right. So what Emily is talking about is they had the horse-drawn carriage, which is great for them. We think it's very – it was very Barb and Brian, but I think – well, we were wondering if we could have the carriage.

We could do a butterfly release. We could do a dove release. If you want animals, we could do. Well, we really like the carriage. We really, really like it. We want huskies. We want a dog sled. We want an Iditarod kind of.

We want a big sled with a bunch of husky snow dogs. Because maybe you wouldn't know it looking at us, but Emily and I actually met. We were both mushing in the Iditarod. In the Iditarod, yes. And I fell into the ice. I pulled him out with just one thumb. I have long thumbs and he grabbed, I shoved my hand

in the water. Every word of this is true. He took that thumb, I pulled him right out. Well, Baldo helped. Baldo helped a little. Oh, well that is a story. That was my lead dog

at the time. He is no longer with us, unfortunately. I'm sorry to hear that. He had a great life. He ran, I mean, some of the best runs of my life were with that dog. Oh, that's wonderful. Well, you know, we here at White Dove, we do strive to fit your every request to meet that. I'm so glad to hear that. We will do our, Helen, could you write down? Sled dogs, I did a rod.

Carriage. Carriage. So, you know, being in Southern California, in Los Angeles specifically, it's that snow might be a little bit hard to come by. I know. We can certainly, you know, the huskies are are uh plenty here we we will have no time sort of uh finding those dogs uh sourcing those but um the snow will work on

that now um now thinking about color scheme i know that i think probably the most and of course it is your two special day uh we normally offer, I think for this time of year, a nice spring wedding, maybe some mint green accents or some light blue, maybe a little bit of yellow, something light and subtle, all very subtle,

I assure you. It's not going to be garishly colored, no Technicolor here, pastel only. Well, as you can see from the way that we're dressed. Let him talk. As you can see from the way that we're dressed. Let him talk. As you can see from the way that Emily and I are dressed, Emily is, of course, in head-to-toe leopard print,

and I'm wearing a tie-dye suit. And so if we could combine those two styles, and we were wondering maybe the bride side, because we do want to split the audience into bride side and groom side, like very clear. That's very important. It's very important that everyone knows who is who.

Are in tie dye and all of Emily's friends and family are in leopard print. And if we could kind of do something with that for the whole ceremony. What do you mean for the whole ceremony? Well, like make the floor leopard print. Your guests can wear whatever they

like. You can make sure that, you Well, like make the floor Your guests can wear whatever they like. You can, you make sure that, you know, you set the dress code. So if you would like for them to wear a certain thing. Yeah.

But I do think that for the color scheme of the wedding itself. You know what I mean? Balloons, like tie-dye balloons, like leopard print balloons, like.

Balloons. So you just want balloons. I was going to ask about flowers and decoration. Flowers are great yeah like tie-dye flowers or like um you can dye flowers or leopard flowers that's such a great point sweetie like leopard flowers would be awesome um you know i'm a slight pivot uh of

course helen is writing down everything you're saying also helen sorry helen just one note just if you want to put real fur if possible helen don't write that down real fur if possible to helen you can just write that you can just i'm writing them both okay helen write them both um of course i'm taking everything you're saying into consideration i would like to offer of course it is i hope you are special day I would like to offer maybe a little Shift of an idea Maybe a little pivot You say that you two met on the Iditarod How special

She saved me with her long thumbs It was so special I saved her with the thumb It's because I sucked on it for so long When I was a kid That it extended it A good four inches. Yeah, it's sort of like a penis pump. Oh, why?

Helen, don't write that. You don't have to. You're not a stenographer. Helen, you don't have to write that down. Penis pump. You don't have to write that. Cigar. I'm good.

Thank you, Helen. Thank you, Helen. What I was going to say is that i wonder if um instead of the tie dye and the leopard both very playful classic yeah what if we did a theme like an ice theme an ice snow winter wonderland since you since you two met at the Iditarod, and we could have fake snow. We can have everything be like icicles and snowflakes. Oh, wow. That's not a bad idea, sweetie.

No, I mean, I do like that, but I wonder if it could get expensive. Southern California, all that snow. Oh, I assure you, it would be bubbles. It would be a lot of, it would kind of be suds that look like snow. But Emily, you remember your cousin Tammy had that. She's terrified of bubbles. Yeah, she had that horrible accident with all those bubbles. I don't, I wouldn't want this to be hard for her. Horrible bubble accident. We couldn't do that to the poor thing. No, she's really, she's like a sister to me.

And, well, like a cousin to Emily. So I think, well, I hear your idea. I think we're pretty. Or we could do paper. It doesn't actually, we don't, we could have no bubbles at all. No, fire hazard. I think we're pretty wedded to the leopard print and tie-dye. But thank you for your suggestion.

We'll keep it in mind. And I'm sure Helen got all of that down. Helen. What's that, Helen? Yes. Okay. Listen, Richard, Emily, of course, we are here for you and your every need.

That being said, you have not run a card yet with us, started a tab with us um that's weird as excited as helen and i all of us here at white dove are for your special day um we do have a certain brand to uphold we do have a certain level of elegance and sophistication that we want to remain with the white dove brand and so i think something like tie-dye flowers leopard print seats yeah real fur real fur may not be well real fur certainly is with it helen that is very much within what we do um nice but the other things are not necessarily... If you take a look at our...

I don't know. Have you seen the website? Have you seen any... Helen, please give them both some pamphlets of some previous weddings that we've done. Here's a printout of the website. Thank you, Helen. That's really...

Can you do... Helen, can you give them a pamphlet, one of the thick, glossy pamphlets, not the... Not printed out... You have Google ads on your website thick, glossy pamphlets, not printed out. You have Google ads on your website. That's a bit weird. Not printed out website, Helen, please.

Sorry, here are the pamphlets. Thank you, Helen. Thank you, Helen. There's one more thing I wanted to discuss with you. Yes, anything. Well, I think I mentioned that, well, recently we lost Baldo. So sad. My sweet lead and, well, who saved my life on more than one occasion.

Except the one with my thumbs because that was all me. My long thumb lady saved me that one time. Who has two five-inch thumbs and saved her hubby from an icy death? She voiced herself. This guy. Oh, mind your eyes, sweetie. You almost got yourself. I always do that.

They're just so long. I know. The depth perception is a struggle for you. But we were wondering if you do funerals. Oh. I, you know. sort of a combo i'm sorry we were wondering if we could do a combo wombo uh this is a wedding for baldo in the morning and then later in the evening we do a well you know this is do exclusively weddings, but we have a sister branch. We have a sister branch that's Dove Carcass, and they do funerals, and they're a funeral home.

I'm in charge of that one. That's Helen. So we do White Dove for weddings, and Dove Carcass is more Helen's department. Busy girl. So I wouldn't be really in charge of that, but Helen would be. Yeah, we can have a separate meeting about that i do i do lots of funerals cool awesome well i think that's everything well we haven't really quite settled on uh any kind of theme or payment yet payment you're not harping on that no no it's uh it's just, you know, we do. We are a business.

And so before you leave here today, you do have to decide. You know, I only take meetings here. We are so booked that this meeting was... I know that you must have booked this a long time in advance or you maybe just found a spot opening up. But this really is your last chance to lock in with White Dove. We don't do any business over the phone.

Emily, that's strange. Emily and I recently came into some gold. Is that... Bricks on bricks on bricks. Yes, because you might think with our history, the Iditarod and everything, we might have found gold like nuggets or something in the wild.

But no, we actually found a buried trove of what we believe to be pirate gold and bricks and bricks, as Emily said. I melted. We did find some nuggets on the trail, but we couldn't have gold bricks and gold nuggets. So we melted some down and made them into a brick as well. And obviously a lot of that money is going to be going towards paying for Emily's surgery. And my surgery.

You know, to get her thumbs even longer. And then also for Baldo's funeral. But, you know, do you take gold, I guess is what we're asking. Do you take gold or do we need to get the gold chance to train your art and money? And then we can give you just the money. Ideally, it would be cash.

For the funeral, we can take gold. Oh, fantastic. So gold for you, cash for you. Fantastic. Got it. And so are we doing the Winter Wonderland theme? If not, unfortunately, I don't think we'll be able to help you. Okay.

Are you serious? So thank you guys so much for coming in. No, thank you. I am so excited for your special day. Yes. We'll be finding somebody else who is a little bit less close-minded. We'll be actually finding a wedding planner who is an event coordinator who cares about their clients and who's not afraid to get their hands dirty and who isn't scared of gold um and helen we will be reaching back out to you i shake i shake your hand richard richard i i do apologize that we

aren't the right fit for you and um i wish you the very best with your special day. And Emily, can I give you a hug? I just, to meet a hero like you who saved. You want to hug me? I do, if that's all right. I would like to. Your funeral. Bring it in, sister. She hugs her, puts her thumbs so deep in her ears that she pops. Oh! Told you. Did

I mention I have a lust for blood? Sweetie, you never need to mention that to me. Helen, would you be interested in planning our wedding? I would die for you two. You're the most beautiful couple I've ever seen. Would you also be interested in being our blood bag? What? Well, we both, in addition to finding pirate gold and racing the Iditarod and me having long thumbs, we also are both really into vampire blood play. That's so hot.

I love that you guys have more than one thing. It's so rare these days to meet a couple who's so adventurous and has so many audience. So are you in, bestie? Slay. A normal one. A normal one. One thing about me is that my thumbs are long. And I'm going to get a surgery to make them nine foot. I kind of am obsessed with her and her long thumbs.

Yeah, Emily and Marlene Spaghetti are definitely... I think they're cousins. They're cousins, not sisters. Cousins, not sisters. Let's take a break. Thank fuck. We're back. We forgot to set an intention, that's why well but but that's why richard and emily raced the eye did rod and found pirate gold right that's why that scene was so untethered we didn't set an intention would you

like to now or is it too late no it's too late we missed a fucking chance hey and we're only doing one today so i don't get that chance back. Would you like to read a review? Sure. Sure. So this this is for a specifically for a cake sparkler. Okay. So not like a sparkler

I hear you. I hear you. One star from Kevin. Kevin fakin' it. top of a cake one star from kevin kevin faking it kevin faking it parentheses coming one star total waste of money i was so excited to surprise my wife with these candles but ended up being embarrassed and disappointed. I used all the candles and all of them were duds. Do not waste your money. Oh my God. I just love the idea of like, I was embarrassed.

Getting into bed that night. Did you have a fun, um, have a fun birthday yeah yes i did it was so nice of your sister to come in it really was did you have did you have fun oh of course i mean anytime i can um celebrate you i mean you know it's fantastic you're you're my everything oh i feel the same i just i wish um you know you you came up to our room immediately after the cake you missed the dancing you missed the karaoke you missed liam i i don't want to talk about it we have to talk about it it it it it um it was a fluke it was a one-off i don't think we need to okay i wasn't expecting them i i you know there was no part of me that that was not the make or break of the night for me i know but i i made such a big deal about it i know you did no you don't

even know the half of it like i you know well we were waiting you know for you to get home for the surprise like i was telling everybody like it's gonna be so fucking cool like i put sparklers on the cake they're so i got these like extra bright ones like she loves sparklers she's gonna so surprised. Like you guys don't wait till you see these sparklers. They were really expensive. And like, I was just like talking, I was like bragging about the sparklers and talking about sparklers all night.

And then, um, well, we don't need to talk about what happened, but I, I, I'm embarrassed. I'm embarrassed.

Liam, it's not your fault. I think it's such a sweet idea. I think it's like, I, I love how thoughtful you are. I love the lengths that you went to, to try and make that happen for everybody. And maybe this is just a lesson for the future of don't build things up that much. I a hundred percent agree.

I will never, I promise I will never make this mistake again. It's never going to happen again. You didn't make the mistake. I'm never going to let this happen again. It's never going to happen again. You didn't make the mistake. I'm never going to let this happen again. It's not up to you, Liam. Sometimes that just happens. Sometimes it's a dud. Okay? It happens to everybody.

Yeah, sometimes one of them is a dud. Not 12 of them. Not a whole box. You aren't the manufacturer. That doesn't happen to normal guys. You are a normal guy. What are you talking about? I'm just saying, like i i want to

believe that it was like all 12 of them were manufactured wrong from the factory whatever but like like at a certain point you start thinking user error like at a certain point you i don't know right like it doesn't matter it doesn't matter liam i what else can i get you to say to have you believe that it's really fine i'm fine i'm fine i didn't want to talk about it in the first place you asked me about my night i because it's your birthday sweetheart i want to know how your night was okay well don't take an attitude with sorry i didn't you just rolled your eyes i didn't roll my eyes i was i have my lost my contact and i'm just trying okay are you mad at me i rolled my eyes no i'm mad at myself i i just we don't have to it's just like it happens to every guy it's like why is day still coming to

your birthdays i knew this wasn't just about no i'm just serious like it is weird for me and i would be lying if i said that wasn't part of it right where i you couldn't perform well you couldn't perform with the sparklers well yeah and he was making little comments all night well when you're making when you build something that again maybe this could be a lesson to you you're sorry you're taking his side i'm not taking any side i'm taking your side because you're my husband and i love you whoa what just haven't heard that in a while liam dave still comes to my birthdays because we worked together for a very long time yeah he was my cam op you know being out in the field with him being a reporter and going to all those very dangerous places i know and you're it's just you and you're yeah i i will say it is a lot

of trauma bonding when you're running away from gunfire when you are in the middle of a tornado there's a lot of things that um we've been through together and and yes we had that one tryst when we but that was before you and i met but we just got caught up in in the thrill of the job and it was one time and it was one time we've been over this i mean god liam how many times i just maybe it was what was he saying to you maybe it was just a tryst for you but maybe it was like a one-time thing for you, but I think. He's married now. He has two kids. but I mean,

I don't want to speak ill, but like. He's my friend. I'm just saying, like, he doesn't seem to care that much about that relationship at all. Well, what was he saying to you throughout?

You were saying he was making all these little jabs. Yeah. I mean, I heard him. He was talking to your brother and he was saying like, you know. Not surprised that he couldn't light them. Cut to the kitchen a couple hours earlier. Liam's in the kitchen trying to light the sparklers.

Fucking shit ass, fucking cheap ass, fucking. Liam, my brother. How's it going, man? Hi, Dave. Sorry, I'm just in the middle of something trying to get the cake ready um oh god oh god i remember those days when it took me a couple tries to you know get things started oh have you used these before use them um use them lose them you know do you want to give it a go because i can't figure it out i think i think no no bottom. It's not my territory, my man.

But it's so thoughtful of you. Hey, you're bulking up. Look at you. Oh, just the right arm, though. A lot bigger than the left. Oy, oy. You crazy lad. You crazy lad.

What, from beating off? Yes, from jerking it. No, that's not. Oh, God. You are always the funniest. You're always such a funny guy. I'm a crane operator it's from that it's from one arm is for the crane that doesn't matter well hey good luck with that happens to the best of us sure yeah um you don't want to help though oh i why would i step on your

toes in your domain no totally no this is No, this is your journey, my man. Hey, where's the lovely missus? She's not here yet. It's a surprise party. I've explained that several times. Ah, it's just... How's things been since you got laid off? She and I have gone through a lot of surprises together.

How's things been since the network let you go because of your drinking? Things have been, God, if you can believe it, than ever because i know she had she's mentioned you know over the years you know you're drinking but i guess it finally got to what like a breaking point like just to deal with the stress the trauma i'm sure you dealt with that's why you were drinking i'm so glad that you and i are such good friends that we can talk about this because yes my drinking was out of control i but was so we're good i was mad at myself and now i'm nine months sober and in fact i've started my own production company so it's pretty new company and it's new and it's you know what they say about the first year taking things off the ground pretty quickly no big changes we're

poaching a lot of people from all the major networks we're getting some videographers from national geographic we're getting some not my baby i hopeographic. We're getting some. Not my baby, I hope. Every major. What's that? Not my baby, I hope. Well, that's just going to be. I don't want to be spreading her business around. It wouldn't be the first time. You've actually talked to her about it?

And so. What does that mean, spreading her business around? Hey, why don't you have a great night? And I'll see you when Birthday Girl gets you. All right, my man? Yeah, all right, John Des. Fucking asshole. Go back to the bedroom.

Nine months, my ass. He was just excited about the new network. He was drunk. He's nine months sober, Liam. That's who you're gonna throw your lot in is a guy like,

I'm sorry, but. I never said that I was officially joining. I'm thinking about it. That's a big move. That's like, that like involves me, right? Like I'm on your health insurance. Like if you go to that job. Of course you're making this about you.

No, I'm not. Of course you're making this exciting opportunity about you. I'm making that about us. We're a family. We're a team. Like you're making a big decision like that and you're not even talking to me about it. It's kind of weird.

Of course, this is a very exciting thing thing i could be a major partner at the network and i could be you know full anchor and network right it's fucking dave's production company like i'm just saying that he cares about me and my career and all you care about is you you you and it's been that way for a long time you're so right you're so right i for i totally forgot that dave planned the surprise party tonight that dave bought your sister a plane ticket so she could come and spend the weekend i never i said that wasn't that dave dave is actually the one um who did all that stuff for you and that I was just thinking about myself and I was just beating along.

I forgot that five years of couples counseling went down the drain when you said, oh no, I'm so secure now. I'm so secure in our relationship. And now, I mean, I don't know what, I don't know how much more of this I can take. I don't know what else to prove to you. I don't know why you're acting like five years of couples,

like you were never fully engaged with it, okay? And first of all, that was my idea. Because don't know why you're acting like five years of couple, like, you were never fully engaged with it, okay? And, and first of all, that was my idea. that you weren't willing, you weren't willing

to move on from Dave. You, all you kept doing was just asking the therapist, you were showing photos of Dave on your phone saying, you'd fuck him,

right? You'd fuck him, right? If you'd fuck him, why wouldn't she? She said she would. She said she would fuck him. So, that was all the counseling. Which thought was checked out unprofessional so of course i was

checked out because you weren't taking it seriously to begin with you just wanted an ally on your team for your for this crazy idea in your head that he and i are having an affair i don't even think that you're having an affair with him okay it's worse than that what could be worse than that liam i love you you are my husband you were having an affair with him oh god so now what well now now you're the thought police now oh is it 1984 my thoughts aren't even my own you never you could net you could never get over the fact that i wasn't in those war zones with you no yes i mean literally like you had this vision of your life that what it would be because i love you i don't care what you do i don't care as long as you are happy in your job you're being like it's like did you just tell me to shut up yes because it's

counseling all over again you're just like saying the shit that you don't it's like so clear you don't believe it you just told me to shut up on my birthday no less oh my god on my birthday no less you just told me to shut

up yeah I did well I know someone who You just told me to shut up. Yeah, I did. Well, I know someone who's never told me to shut up, and that's Dave. Dave has never told me to shut up. Not once. He's never said a rude word to me. He's never raised his voice. Not your face.

Never rolled his eyes like you're doing right now. Okay. So that's it. Go. Be with him, then. I. No, if that's it go be with him then I no if that's what you want I don't

you know what hey we don't have kids hey Liam we don't have like you know a shit ton of debt

like there's no reason to stay together hey Liam you know what I am gonna go spend a couple days on their couch with him and Leslie because they are a couple fascinating and you know what? I am going to go spend a couple of days on their couch with him and Leslie

because they are a couple. And you know what? And I want you to think about this because you are so upset. No, I am not in the wrong at all. Even all this stuff is going on and you can't wait. Come with me. The first thing you can't wait to do is go stay with Dave and Leslie.

You are pushing me away. You did this. So tomorrow morning when Tracy comes down and she's like, where's Rebecca? I want you to know that it was you who told me to shut up. You were pushing me away. I think part of you wanted this to happen to have a reason to be mad at me. You know I had opportunities too. Work opportunities?

Work opportunities, romantic opportunities. i'm sure you're not the only person who compromised i never said i wanted to still be a crane op like that that was never i never said i'm calm from what do you want out of this conversation honesty for the first fucking time just admit let's be honest i want you to hear me so fucking clearly right now liam shoot have i wondered sometimes yes but love is a choice and i have chosen you every day so sure sure, there are times where I wonder, what would life be like if I was with Dave who is kind and funny and has a ham hock dick? What would my life be like?

What does that mean? But no, then I think, I love Liam. Is that like a positive for you? I love Liam. Ham hock. he is the love of my life and I choose to be with him but now you are the one who's throwing that away maybe Hamhock it's like not the shape of it that's what you've taken from this just a chunk of me that's what you're taking for all right well I'm out how about you think about what you're doing what you're saying and i'll talk to you in a couple days whatever you just you're sad you make me sad i feel bad for you honestly i hate sparklers by the way i think they're terrible

for the environment and you'd know that if you actually ever listened to a word i fucking said whatever what the fuck ever Cut to the next morning. Liam, where's Rebecca? She decided to spend the night with some friends. She needed some space and I... I heard a lot of yelling last night. I hope everything is okay. I don't think so. Tracy, I don't think so.

I'm sorry to hear that it's okay she um well we both made made choices so well for what it's worth I've always liked you thanks I um yeah I appreciate you saying that because you know i i struggled with your family honestly the whole relationship i mean your your dad fucking hated me may he rest and i know it's hard but you know not everyone needs to have a ham hock and i think i wish but before our dad passed i wish that that was something that he would be able to understand. Weird to include that in the same sentence. I, um...

Well, you don't... You don't know why he hated you? I mean, I assumed... You think it was because of your job? Yeah, I assumed it's because he thought I wasn't good enough for his daughter. Well, he did, but not for the reasons you think. Oh, Liam. He couldn't have cared less about what your job was.

What was it? He thought you were the size of your dick. How did he know how big my dick was? We all know. And I never thought it was a problem. I thought it was just fine. Just fine indeed. How do you know?

Well, we all do in our family. Well, when you and Rebecca got together, she took a photo. What the fuck? A photo that you had sent her, and she showed it to our family. She asked for the picture. You're making... So our dad was mad because he had seen Dave's, and he thought, well, that's the man for my daughter. I want to see this guy's dick

oh i have a full file of show me the dick that's what everyone's excited about well yeah i guess I am straight. Do you want to hook up? With you? I don't know. You said it was fine. I said it was fine.

I said it was just fine. Fair enough. Do you want to? No, I don't want to. You're married. With married with my sister yeah you guys never really liked each other get back that's not true come on you're a bad guy i think i think i might be too i'm sorry i'm gonna work on on myself. I think I'm... Wait, I think I actually might be a piece of shit. I think I've become a person I don't like. I don't know when that happened.

I think if I met me, I wouldn't like him. Huh. Huh. So that's a no on the hooking up. Yeah. I really felt like that's where this was going. Huh. So that's a no on the hooking up. Yeah. I really felt like that's where this was going. No. I was showing you a photo of...

You brought up my dick. Because I thought you knew that that was the reason. Her dad hated me. Because of your dick. Loved you as a person. But I don't think he'd love the you that you've become no doubtful do you love myself absolutely not let's go to the next time for one more yeah why not why not after that fucking also normal one very phallic phallic episode could have been the

intention had we had the opportunity but we don't and we never will hold on sorry let's take a quick break i have one shoot hundred pieces gold foil hot stamping wedding sparkler tags with match holder and striker. Let Love Sparkle send off pearlescent white. This is five stars from SB. SB. That's going to go ahead and be Samantha.

Samantha. Samantha Bee. Samantha Bee. Five stars. The title is, This is Where It's At. I've been to weddings where everyone was scrounging for lighters to get the first few sparklers started

and then the tip of the sparkler to get everyone going. So for my daughter's wedding i saw these and i knew this is what we wanted each person had their own match and striking strip that worked perfectly we were really impressed at how well these work and on top of that the dew had already fallen on them and they still worked very pleased scrounging for lighters everyone was fucking biting each other, falling all over each other

to be the first one to light the sparkler. Because if you're the first one to light it, that means you love the couple the most and it means you're the star of the wedding. It's like, it's like the idea of being like, damn it, why are we not friends with more smokers? Why do all our friends not smoke?

This is so fucked. There's also something about the actual couple who are getting married are the leads of the day. Of course. I have been guilty of this. Everyone else is a supporting character. I have felt like if I'm really good friends with someone who's getting married or it's a family member, I'm like'm like well it's a little bit about me i'm kind of like it's not it's not

that it's about me but it's like i am a supporting role and the rest of you are ensemble wow i see what you mean you know what i mean is that it's like it's like i don't need i don't need to run up there for a photo because it's like they know they know i love them still probably should be in the photo though um he's also like yeah no no no you guys go on ahead how do you guys know the groom um uh god well uh god i mean he's a work buddy you know we only started a couple months ago together but it's just fast friends you know Good for you getting the invite man No it's just like at work Like we both we both love

Iron Man like so It's just that was something that we really He loves that guy He loves oh you guys You guys watch it too oh I Was I actually knew him when the first One came out the first movie came out so That's so awesome.

We actually did a couple weeks ago for like a little pre-Bachelor thing. We watched all of the Iron Mans in a row. So it was kind of a crazy night. But, you know, we're just a couple of guys. We had a good time. What's that? Who hosted? Oh, I think that was Charlie.

Charlie, hey! Charlie! Remember Iron Man? Oh, Jarvis, show me my wedding ring. Charlie, hey! Charlie! Remember Iron Man? Oh, Jarvis, show me my wedding ring. Yeah, no. Charlie's great. Oh, so Chris didn't host, so that's okay then. Charlie, well, yeah.

No, we actually, I was going to ask you, how do you know the groom? Because we didn't see you there. That was kind of like, it was a pre-bachelor thing with everyone from the bachelor party. Yeah, no. Well, I had wanted to be part of the bachelor chris actually asked me to be part of the bachelor party the um he actually asked me to be his best man oh that's awesome but i had to turn it down um unfortunately why i thought i wasn't i thought i wasn't going to be able to make it to the wedding um but turned out i could like some stuff changed you thought you were not going to make it to Chris's wedding.

Sorry. Remind me how you know Chris. I thought you said like childhood. Yes. Yeah. We came up together. We grew up together. Um, we were both up together.

It's a weird way to phrase it. Yeah. Well, we were both in this, in the punk scene, um, around the same time playing bands. So, um, in Denver. So, well, anyway, well anyway kind of like like we kind of felt like we were brothers you know what i mean that's awesome crazy eight um what's that he never told you about crazy eights i don't think i don't think you mentioned that no huh crazy is that your band in one of them yeah that oh it was just the two you know what

it was actually um one of the eights i was the other eight we were the crazy he has he has an ashtray that has the logo oh yeah we sold we sold a few of those yeah yeah we smoked oh my god he had he was taking photo with the new mrs god i love hannah she's the best but uh no he and i we got so high like maybe a couple months ago and we were just like the crazy is an eight ball, right? And we were trying to we were trying to stamp out the ash on the eight ball. So

that was just a full black ball. That was so much. We had such, it was like, you know, when you're high, it seems funnier than it actually is. So that was at Chris's house? That was at Chris's house. That's interesting. I must have been out of town. it's probably one of the times he texted me trying to get me to come over but I was so busy um oh here they come here they go well oh Chris buddy what is up congratulations you are a husband uh yeah I'm I'm a full-on

husband I don't know if I can quite believe that myself. Yeah, I was just talking with, oh, remind me of your name again, brother. Dame. Dame. Dame. Dame. I was just talking with your boy, Dame. And just like, I love the history you guys have. You never told me about that.

Oh, yeah. Yeah, it's a good history. We had a lot of fun. Crazy eights, right, man? Crazy eights. That's right, Dame. We had a good time. Hey, why don't you give us why don't you give dame and i a second absolutely yeah thanks man i'll be holding it down at the

wedding party table all right sorry man i just want to last and a half i have to have a little one-on-one time with my my brother my brother from my childhood we We are so close. What's up, April? Hey, yeah. Of course I showed up. Wow, haven't heard that nickname in a long time. I'm going to miss your wedding. I was kind of surprised when the invite must have got lost in the mail. Well, you said that, you know, you might not show.

When I initially sent the announcement, the engagement, you said, I said, we would love to have you there. And you said, when is it? And I said, oh, sometime in June. And you said, oh, I might be sick. And so that kind of, you know, that was nine months ago. And so you obviously couldn't. Just because the tour was going

to be wrapping up in june so like i often get sick at the end of a tour that's all it was man i just um uh well i just wanted to say thank you for coming thanks means a lot to have you here thanks man um i'm gonna go mingle say hi with the guy i haven't hit hannah's great by the way i met her earlier she's really awesome i mean i may be a little biased but uh no she's the best i'm uh i'm a lucky guy she makes me better no i'm i'm happy for you man you um you did it right it's like i look around sorry no it's okay just crazy you know seeing all these guys you know again like there's you obviously and toby's here and and you know other guys from the band and it's just like brian peter chris paul quagmire me i'm chris yeah um quagmire. Me. I'm Chris.

Yeah. Quagmire, Cleveland. All the guys. Joe. Fuck, it's crazy. Bonnie's here. And, like, I'm seeing all these people from my past. And I'm just like.

I can't believe Stewie couldn't make it. Oh, I mean, yeah. He's busy, though. He's a busy guy. Do you talk to him? I fully lost touch with him oh he doesn't respond to my texts anymore i think um after he got into recovery he didn't he yeah um which is cool i get it for him no good for him i don't think yeah i don't think it was healthy for him to be around me and i don't disagree but i come to like a wedding like this man and i i you know i'm the only one who's still in

the game right like i'm the only one who's still and that's musician and and and i love that that's so i love it right it's my favorite thing it's what i've always wanted and and and you know i look at peter and lois and Joe and Bonnie and everybody has their somebody, right? Even Meg. Who'd have fucking thought? And you know, I

don't have anybody. You'd never think her and Adam West that you wouldn't think that they'd be compatible. But they turned out okay. I consider myself pretty open-minded, but that age gap, I did a double take at first. No, it's shocking.

It's shocking. I don't think, I think it's technically legal, but it shouldn't be. Yeah, right. I mean, I was talking to Cleveland and Loretta earlier, and they were talking about Cleveland Jr., right? And in my head, I remember Cleveland Jr. I remember when Loretta was pregnant with Cleveland Jr.

Right, like in my head, I remember him coming to that show we played. He brought her to that show we played at the Drunken Clam, and I was like, like holy shit like she's pregnant that's crazy and i i met that i met i saw cleveland jr today and he's 14 and i was like jesus it's ridiculous christ i'm an old man am i too old right like am i no is this ever gonna and i don't want to make this like about me but i'm like is this ever gonna happen for you so all i want to say is like and i'm not saying you do think this but in case you do like if you're ever like any part of you it's like man i i wish i'd stayed in the game like i wish i was still playing like you like don't like you made

the right choice no come on i'm just saying like i love my life and I wouldn't trade it for anything, but I think you guys... I'm happy for you guys. That's all. Dame, no one's judging you. I know that. I don't feel that. And I'm sorry. I know that you and I were not as close as we used to be.

It's cool. But life happens and you meet friends in college and you become closer with some people than others. Of course. You know, I... Who would have thought Quagmire would have been my best man? Not me. Not me.

I mean, shit, who would have thought Quagmire would ever settle down, right? No, no one, right? He's such a crazy ass um all that to say is that you know i just hope that we can be cool moving forward of course man i mean i think um you know it broke my heart to not be able to go to um um brian's funeral um and that was that you couldn't go or you chose not to go that i think i couldn't i mean i couldn't go if there's one thing that like physically

emotionally feeling like i couldn't but you get that right after what we shared but i don't get that because we all went and it was hard it It was hard to see Brian in that grave. I mean, he was a family guy, man. Even his kids were there. And the missus. I mean, like we were all. It was hard. You want to see two two-year-olds weeping over their dad and you couldn't be there?

He was a family fucking guy. I loved him, Chris. I loved him. Well, we all loved him, Dame. No, Chris. Him and I... I loved him. And I couldn't...

Oh, Dame. I couldn't go. I couldn't see her. I couldn't see them. I couldn't... I couldn't go. I couldn't see her. I couldn't see them. I couldn't, I couldn't, I couldn't see him in that casket. I, I just,

I had no idea. He you're right. I mean, he was a family guy. He was, you know, he settled down. He was like the American dad.

And I couldn't, um, well, I mean, I wasn't going to go there. Right. I mean, Cleveland made a scene.

Cleveland was sad. I know. It became the Cleveland show. Right. I wasn't going to make it like the me show. Right. So, of course,

Rick and Morty made a big stink of it that you weren't there. I'm not surprised. Well, Hey, anyway, enough, enough taking up your time after this, we're having,

we're having a little, you know, after the reception's done and all the, all the old fogies leave, we're, we're heading down to South park. There's a bar there that we might, if you want to come,

you don't have to. Yeah. I, I don't know. I, yeah, we'll see. We'll see,

man. I might see you down there. Bob's burgers is catering. I know you like them. Fuck. I haven't had one of those in it for ever. Yeah. Well,

like I said, don't want to take any more of your time but i'm really glad we had this talk um i uh i see hover and marge over there i'm probably gonna go um oh they'll be so happy to see you yeah she really will she looks great by the way she does and he is he is the king of the hill right now he really is i mean it's incredible um well well um it's good to see you you too man um you know it's just uh it seems today that all you see is violence and movies and, and sex on TV and everything. But it's like to, to you really bring those good old fashioned values to the party.

And I've missed that about you, man. I, it's funny. I, I, you know, I woke up this morning, right. And I looked out my window and I was funny, I, you know, I woke up this morning, right?

And I looked out my window and I was just back here, you know, in this town. And I just thought, like, good morning, USA. Like, I, and about your wedding too, like, I have a feeling that today is going to be a wonderful day. Like, the sun in the sky has a smile on its face and and it's shining a salute to my friend chris and his beautiful wife um yeah but um no things are good um things are good i actually i've been seeing somebody um that's amazing a therapist and um also, I have started dating again. Hopefully not the therapist.

No, but he's kind of a party animal, but I think you'd like him. His name's Bender from Futurama. Jesus Christ. jesus christ you fuckers still listen to this is this what you fucking like as we were doing that one i thought this one's for us every once in a while we do one for you you know what i mean we do what you gotta do one for you it's like when you know big famous actors they do a marvel movie and then they do an indie that was the indie that was the indie that one's i guess i don't know which one is the marvel movie i don't know which one is the mass i guess the the uh ham hock dick yeah probably the one was all about

cock pictures being shared in a family was probably the one that was like, you know. And the family guy adult cartoon one. That was for us. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It lasted 25 minutes. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That one was probably for us. This shook me all week long.

Can't you believe that I got shaked to my core. By the time this comes out, this will be irrelevant, but I watched the second and third episodes of season six of The Circle last night, and this is the season where they have an open AI bot playing as a person. So when you say open AI, you mean the AI has a lot to date other people? Yeah. Stupid fucking joke.

It is shocking how well it's playing, especially when there are other people catfishing as other people and they are reading more like a bot than the AI is. Do the contestants know that somebody's a bot? So after the, so it's like, you know, all nine contestants are in, including the bot. And then the circle gave an announcement. It's like, announcement, not everyone in the circle is who they say they are.

And everyone's like, well, yeah, that's the game. And then the next slide. Yeah, and then they're like, and not everyone is human. And then it says there's one AI bot amongst you. There's a dog with a blog. And everyone's like, what the fuck? And so then there's a challenge i

actually haven't finished the challenge it's like the circle gives three questions and everyone has to answer and it's basically you you everyone votes on who is the most human and then the person who is voted most human then blocks like votes out chooses leaves, who they think is the least human. Jesus Christ. And there is one person on who is second guessing everything that they have said because they're like, fuck, they're going to think I'm a robot. And what's been shaking me, I guess, is that the robot is so like the banter is there. And they even make a like they they say they're like the producers have no say in what this bot says. Like they it's like the bot just does its thing.

Crazy choice. But go off. Crazy choice. I would fall for that shit so fast. You'd fall in love with the robot. I would fall in love with the robot. I'm like honestly if you guys are watching Seasons of the Circle in fucking April 2072 when this comes out. Then go outside, touch grass.

Then go outside, touch grass. You'll see it's playing as this dude named Max. And it's just, I'm like, oh, I would like have a crush. What the hell? But it wouldn't be the weirdest thing that I had a crush on. It wouldn't be the first time you had a crush on something that isn't real. Something that is not real. Yes.

Yes. I will also say, I've said this on the podcast before. Go off. Maybe a long time ago. I had a crush on Brian the dog from Family Guy. What's been shaking you? That's bold that you just, like, you can't expect that to just, like, go unremarked, right? Again, I feel like that's not one of the weirder ones i do really do i really feel like the cuphead devil is at the

top for like let's be clear about one thing right brian the but let's do it. He is a misogynist. Right. He is an arrogant, self-important prick. Yeah. Who kind of is a womanizing, martini-drinking, wannabe author is kind of the vibe. Yeah. And he's a fucking dog. Yeah.

So what, so like, what is it about that that you're like, damn, I don't want to talk about it. You don't want to talk about it anymore. What's been shaking you? Yeah.

Well, it's funny given that you gave me fruit salad yummy yummy at the beginning, because what's been shaking me is fruit in salad. Not fruit salad, but fruit in salad. I made a big salad last night with some nice fresh raspberries, and it was delicious. And it's like fruit in a salad to me is summer. Fruit in a salad is like freshness. It's call me by your name, Italian countryside, like raspberries. You know what I mean?

And I just fucking, I just love this time of year. Yeah, it's French people talking about raspberries in the Italian countryside. Exactly. You get it. It's Brian Griffin, the dog. It's all these things that we love. I'll kill you. And I just, yeah, I just, I love this fucking time of year.

And I love when, like, the fucking tomatoes. Put your shirt back on. Put your shirt back on. I'm just warning you. When the tomatoes start to get, like, juicy and ripe. Alfred. Hummina, hummina, hummina. Vomitin, vomitin, vomitin. But, yeah. I get that. I get that, I'm gonna Vomiting, vomiting, vomiting

But yeah I get that You know what I mean? There are some I have a weird thing about About sweet things and savory food And it's a big hit or miss for me Like I

If I'm eating like a rice dish Like a Middle Eastern rice dish And it has raisins in it I don't like it I will take the raisins out. I will specifically ask for no raisins. Oh, I fucking love raisins and rice. I think we've talked about this before.

But a salad with like strawberries, a little bit of like goat cheese, like love that shit. Yes. I think it's hot fruit in a hot savory dish. It's fruit in a hot savory dish that I don't like. If it's a cold dish with some fruit in it,

I can fuck with that. But it's fruit in a hot savory dish that i don't like if it's a cold dish with some fruit in it that i i can fuck with that but it's hot that i like a fucking like a nice piece of a nice piece of like um pork with with like a grilled peach like summertime like there's something about that that's just i don't know i don't know i. I already know the answer to this, but you don't like pineapple on pizza, do you? I think it's foul. I think it's absolutely fucking disgusting. I love it. That's horrible. You know what I love? Pizza, my go-to pizza these days, pineapple and onion.

What the hell? You need to be serious. What the hell? What the hell? It's got a bush. What the hell? You need to be serious. hell what the hell it's got a bush what the hell you need to be one egg is 40 eggs um they tried to put me on the cover of vogue but instead they studied me

you look bad you can find alfred on instagram at alfred in it you can find the show on instagram at review review reddit r slash review review review review discord where it pops off and jeffrey james and i oh yeah we do have a patreon where you can come to our monthly zoom parties that's going to go ahead and be a zarty at patreon.com slash riley and jeff and you can find riley on instagram.com just a web browser not the phone app safari chrome firefox take your pick. At Riley and Spot. And on Twitter.com, now known as X. X. X.

It's porn now. Mostly porn. At Riley Coyote. Not my profile. Well, for as long as it lasts. At Riley Coyote. And as we say every single week on the show, we're always saying it. We're never not.

We're never not saying it. Good morning, USA. I've got a feeling that it's gonna be a wonderful day, Brian. We'll see you next time. Bye. That was a Hiddem Original.