Rural Concerns - Pee, proxies & pannatones

Episode Date: April 29, 2025

Sunil learns he has a deadly look-alike, James reveals the trick to getting a heavily discounted Italian teacake and Chris reveals a dark secret about his leek trench. The lads also hit upon an ingenious marketing campaign, the only thing they’re missing is a duelling pistol… Want to see the lads live? Rural Concerns is coming to the London Podcast Show on 20th May. We’re also playing Manchester’s Fairfield Social Club on 22nd November.  You can watch Chris’ Edinburgh Comedy Award nominated show! He’s heading to Chorley, Machynlleth, Wells and Newcastle! Check it out on his international website.  Do you have a Rural Concern? Drop us an email at [e-mail]. The best way to support this educational podcast is through Patreon. For less than a fiver you can get bonus episodes and access to our Discord community, The Creamery. Our artwork is by Poppy Hillstead, our music is by Sam O’Leary and our legal due diligence is by Cal Derrick, Entertainment Lawyer. Rural Concerns is edited by Joseph Burrows and produced by Egg Mountain for A Lovely Time Productions.

Is that recording? Yes, that's recording. Hello, it's Chris here. No, come on. Hello, it's Chris here. How's everybody doing? I can't respond. Hello. I'm not answering the phone, whatever said it like that. Hello, it's Chris here. God, I haven't said hello before. This is just a quick note to say that Rural Concerns has been added to the lineup for the London Podcast Show. Okay.

We're on the 20th of May at 9pm. Tickets are available. There is a link in the show notes. See you there. Hello. Hello. No. Real talk, real talk. This is the Rural Concerns podcast. I am Chris Cantrell speaking to you from deep rural England.

In my village, my word is law, and I'll bend their knee when they see my Vauxhall Corsa coming back from the co-op with a boot full of sausages. Like that! back from the co-op with a boot full of sausages. Realer talk. I'm producer James and I live in the suburbs. I drive a BMW, which means that the children fear me. Women want to be with me. And men whisper that I bought the lowest spec engine in the current lineup.

Nice. Realist to talk. I am Sunil Patel. I live in London. And I don't have a car because it was stolen by organised criminals. As a high-performing alpha male leader in my community, I cannot and will not let that stop me visiting local artisan bakeries on foot and by bus. The people depend on me getting my treats. That's all really good. Let's just have a good laugh on that, shall we?

Okay. Chris, you didn't give us any notes, and that's why we instantly went to... This is it, when you... No, but I've been busy. It's the Easter holidays still. All right, well, shall I put the intro and stuff in last week's notes? Do what you want.

Do what you want. Here we are. This is... the intro and stuff in last week's notes whatever do what you want do what you want this is no it's it's easter i'm living in a state of chaos it's the easter holidays you're the alistair crowley of podcast of podcasting podcasting imagine if you'd have said that good first time imagine but fortunately I can edit it. So I did. I don't have that power. No, no. I'll make you sound worse. I have a stutter filter to make you sound like you don't know what you're talking about. It's a hit job.

I actually sound very, like, to do, well to do. So, Easter holidays, I'm sort of like spinning a lot of plates, keeping everything together. Are you at the end of them? Are you coming to the end of them? Yeah, he goes back to school on Tuesday. I love this kid. I think about him all the time.

When I'm not like, so just when my mind's fully blank, I just think about him and wonder what he's up to. Do you know what I mean? I love him. That's nice. But I need this kid to go back to school. I need this to end. It's very intense. It's so long.

It's as long as Christmas, the Easter holidays. And I, for one, don't think people appreciate that enough. And I know that you appreciate it enough because in a lot of our textual conversations, you've referred to these holidays as half term. Are you referring to me? No, Chris. Chris Cantrell. You've called it half term, Chris.

But is it a full term? Well, mentally, you should prepare yourself for it being longer than a week, surely. Half term is a week. But next time, we've just... He's had a great time. He doesn't... I think Nicola gets anxious if he's sat down still

for 10 minutes, do you know what I mean? But he's busy he's always doing he's always what he's always he's not always like we're building there's definitely you know like times where he's sat playing switch or whatever like that and but kids need leisure time too but she's had him he's been he's done a fishing lesson he's gone he's had a snorkeling lesson we've been to seaside. Do you know what I mean? This is... That sounds like that was all rolled into one

and you've just picked it out as bullet points. He's been to the seaside twice, once for a swimming lesson, once for fishing. So, it's Saturday night. Ooh. Chris, I had something to say to you about backpacks. Oh, yeah, go on then. Have you found out who's just bought all of the user data for Pokemon Go?

Faldo! No. Is that Team Rocket? No, it's the Saudi government. Really? Yeah, I did hear this. Are they going to be able to find the guy that nicked my phone then? Because I was playing Pokemon Go when it happened.

Oh, yeah, of course, yeah. We are calling on the Saudi government to take bloody vengeance. If you are serious about Pokemon Go. Is that true then? They've actually done that? Is that reliably sourced? I just read it on Instagram, so it might be true. Was it like, and if you don't want that, then copy paste this message?

No. It was a fully text-based image yeah no it's true a Saudi company's bought it and which is where it's like I was when I was I've become addicted to it so that's why I had to go but there's a bit of it where you stood in these places and it asks you to get your camera out and just record places like does it record like I was it? I was stood I was off the A I was in a Starbucks off the A69. Lads. Yeah? What'd you get?

Just recording the inside of the Starbucks for Pokemon Go and it didn't feel right. It didn't feel safe. No, that's really odd. They didn't do that in my day that's a new thing oh yeah what were you ordering the starbucks 69 yeah it's basically

it's near to where my son used to go kickboxing oh come on let us have our fun let us have our fun which creamy little drink did you get? Over the years I've transitioned. I used to be pure milk. I used to be latte. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? And then over the years I've gone down from. You grew in confidence.

Yeah. I've gone down from latte. Then I went to cappuccino. And now I'm black Americano with a dash of milk. I feel like I don't want to be sold off, robbed off with milk, sloshing around. The milk is where you're getting your money's worth at Starbucks. You're just getting hot water.

Yeah, you're replacing milk with water. Pure coffee. Tastes like fags. They don't look after it well. They burn it. Do you know what I mean? It's awful, yeah. Refreshing.

That's what you want. I'm not one of these people that thinks coffee should be nice. I'm one of these people that's doing, do you know how many, how much driving I did on Thursday? I've got an idea. I did Nick coming on my 11 hours of driving. What,

where were you going? Oh, I just, I agreed to do a gig in Canterbury. Oh. So I drove to Canterbury. From Scotland? From Scotland.

And then I drove, I did the gig. That was six hours plus. And then I drove from Canterbury to Birmingham to stay with my auntie. And my auntie's 80. And she stayed up with me. She stayed up for me to come in at 1.46 a.m. Bloody hell. And when I got through the door, I went, oh, God, thanks for staying up.

I'm so tired. I'll see you tomorrow. And she said, you don't want a coffee? So we negotiated, and I had a brandy at 1.46 a.m. And I didn't just want to go to bed and not talk to her, you know? No, no. What? Wait, wait, wait. Okay. How did the gig go? It was alright. It was good

but in the back of my head thinking never again. Were you headlining? Headlining. Headlining. It's a good it was a good gig to do for a good sort of company so it was I didn't begrudge it and I made the decision to do it because it was a good game to do for a good company. So it was, I didn't begrudge it. And I, I made the decision to do it because it was a good thing,

but you've just got to, it's too far to drive. Can you, can you, can you give us a rundown of the services you visited on the way and rank them please. And what you bought from there. And so send me a short Pokemon go video from each.

I messaged my friend yeah no i've sent them direct us out to the saudi state no i said i messaged my friend i was saying i'm messaging you from this place so right so i messaged him from life services okay is that one in that's quite north is it it sounds north I believe it to be about three hours away, because I did three hours worth. I did three and a bit hours worth of driving to break the back of it, and then I needed to. I stopped at Blythe, then I stopped at Medway Services. Yes, Medway, lovely, yeah.

That's a good stint from Blythe to Medway. That is south. Medway's Kent. I was very close at that point. Are you in Kent on a Medway? No, but I'm not too far away from Canterbury. I had half an hour left of the trip, but I'd hit a wall and I needed a wee. And I thought, if I don't do this now, basically I need to go into Canterbury

with an empty bladder and a clear mind because I'll be driving around. I've just been on motorway for literally six hours and now i need to go into like tiny little ye olde worldy canterbury street yeah well that that's where was the theater because i went to i was at the university theater it's a marlo theater it's where kenneth marlo well is that play dr dr. Dr. Marlowe. Ken Marlowe. Are you confusing that with a Corey character? No, Ken Marlowe.

His bloody pain in the ass daughter, Tracy. His ex-wife, Deidre. Oh, and his son. Yeah, God, his son's even worse. Real life Ken Marlowe is, look him up. Wow. What? Because I bought his autobiography.

Oh. Nicola made me get rid of it in the move, just from the contents table. Oh. Like there's lots of things about like spirits and stuff like that. Yeah, he's becoming a dad again. Fair play. Yeah. And one of the chapter headings was suicide, thoughts on.

Bloody hell. 92. Bloody hell, he looks good for it. So he's becoming a dad at 92. Well, that's what the news said. Leeds Live. Yeah, he's had a shock pregnancy, it says here. Oh, no, Ken Barlow is.

Oh, the character in the soap. Yeah, sorry, not yet. Right, so this Ken Barlow is. Oh, the character in the soap. Yeah, sorry, not yet. Right, so this is reality eviction. Hard to tell the difference, isn't it? Especially with soap actors. Should we do the podcast? Should we do the podcast? Yeah, let's have a go at the podcast.

So, like, countryside. Oh, yeah. There is the countryside bit. Two things. One, I've been all day, me and my dad have been working all day on the attic. My dad's did a bit. My dad started working while I was driving back from Canterbury, to be completely honest.

But we've been painting the attic and prepping the attic for the next stage, which is we've got the electrician coming on tuesday so we are one step closer oh to a den for you a studio for us okay sorry i'm gonna get i'm planning on getting like i'm gonna get a camera set up on a tripod i'm gonna get a mic on and out i'm gonna switch it on and it's going to immediately make you to expose you to what you are, which is unprofessional. I'm going to look dazzling.

I'm going to be in a suit, well lit, without a, I've got a visible wet patch on the wall behind me. None of that. You've got a visible wet patch on your t-shirt.

The thing is, yeah, you do, yeah. Oh, is that a logo? There's the bit where I saw you wipe your nose earlier. I wipe my nose on my shirt because I don't have a tissue. I don't have a tissue. That's professionalism. Oh, we're not going to put this out as a clip.

We can't. That's professionalism manifest. Yeah, but the screen, what's the word? The screen froze. I thought I had a window of internet invisibility. If you had an invisibility cloak, you'd be wiping your nose all over it. But this is like, do you know when you hear stories of great stage productions and they're like messing around behind, do you know what I mean?

Like McKellen's going out onto stage doing a big soliloquy and everyone else is just behind in the wings having jokes and giving each other fingers across the way. Yes. This is what you need to do to get podcasting done. A podcast, if you are thinking of starting a podcast, the priority is always a podcast. It's not wiping your nose on a tissue. Do you understand?

That is professionalism. Yes. I'm sorry, Chris. You wiping your nose on the t-shirt was an act of professionalism professionalism it's what it takes us to get to the level marathon runners running through the pain isn't it fair play it's that time that marathon runner did a poo yeah kept running ran through the poo kept running told the cameras not to look at her poo. Zoom. Change the lens, get in on that. Studio is on its way.

Studio is on its way. You'll know when it comes because this podcast is just going to kick up another year automatically. Suddenly the background is going to be full of Warhammer miniatures and we'll know you've made it. RGB lighting. Water-cooled studio. Lovely.

We won't be allowed in it because Nicol will be in there all the time. She's already said, I can't have my loud computer tower within the bounds of the studio room. I have to keep it on the other side of the room. Seven fans going off. And all it is is just us chatting on Zoom.

Because she thinks it's a disruption to her business. This podcast? No, the tower powering up. So if she's not, I can sit there and type away. But if she's doing a call, then you just see her. You know what I mean? It's me powering up Stardew Valley for the first time. That's one thing from the countryside.

Tick. My attic conversion. That's clear. That's great news, though. I'm very happy with that. Another thing. Two. Leaks.

Yeah. Leak Club update., another thing. Two, leaks. Yeah. Leak Club update. Yes. Topsoil is in. Last time we picked up, the topsoil has been moved to the beds. Basically, I got two free, I got three free bags of well-rotted horse manure from Michelle. Thank you, Michelle.

I know she listens to this podcast. Is that a gift or a threat? Again, she threw them from a moving vehicle she was wearing, a balaclava, and smeared, go back to Manchester. They've been delivered in a series of envelopes through your letterbox. Yeah, yeah, she's been doing it for a year. One of them was on fire. I get that. Two of them were for me. One of them was on fire. I get that.

Two of them were for me. One of them was for Dave over the road. So Dave, over the road, what he did was spend the entire afternoon, he's got compost bins,

adding the horse manure to his compost and mixing it up by hand, sieving it through and he had to have a bath. Honestly, I don't quite understand why he's done it by hand, why he hadn't used a sticker or something.

Was he wearing gloves? No. He wanted to feel it. Do you know what I mean? So we did that. He had a bath, and then we went to the pub. What? Oh, there's a raffle on for the league. went to a pub. What? Oh, the... Oh, we need...

There's a raffle on for the leak. There's a raffle on for the leak club. No, stop. Shit-Hands had a bath, not a shower. So he sat in the water. He made his own shit consume. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He was a crouton in his own shit soup.

And that goes into the leaks. Oh, he saved the bathwater. I don't know why Dave's done any of the stuff that he's doing. We're just on another trip of the trade or something. Does Dave listen to this? Dave occasionally is known to listen to this, but I think I've got two weeks of his shitty hands. But I think he wanted some private time.

It's Easter holidays everywhere. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. You will get private time if you've got shitty hands. But I think he wanted some private time. It's Easter holidays everywhere, do you know what I mean? Yeah, that's true. You will get private time if you've got shitty hands. Yeah, fortress of solitude. So Dave's got these shitty hands and he's had a shitty day and we went to the pub last night after a hard day's sort of, well, DIY for my dad.

I did one and a half hours. But we're equally, so we had quietly put away four pints of Guinness. And then King and Elite Club was there, Martin. And I said to him, I said, listen, I said, it's all coming together. And he said, whatever you do, don't use horse manure. Why? He said, because it's got too much nitrogen on nitrate.

The nitrates are too high. So he says, don't burn the roots off. Yeah. Yeah. Did you, did you finish your points and run home?

I finished my points, ran back over to Dave other side of the pub and went, listen, Dave, don't use horse shit. And he was like great that would have

been lovely to know you know like before i spent the entire afternoon hand sifting this again i don't know why i bought a glove i don't know why i want to go but i don't know why that bit of it is my fault because what's so annoying about this is that neither of you have even yet bothered to google how to grow leaks what is wrong with you you're relying on like people saying things to you i don't like other people telling me what i don't like people telling me what to do read a book read a book about it then no way what some guy from harvard uni yeah maybe. Harvard Uni telling me in rural England how to grow leeks.

No, thank you. I'll figure it out. I'll do what Dave's good. I'll take the gloves off and run my fingers through them. I'll feel. So we've done that. And now, basically,

basically, like, two other little things. So I'm getting, I'm buying, I'm things. I'm getting some chicken poop and maybe some lamb poop. Oh. I have got coffee grounds from Andy at House to Make Tea Room, who does the tray bakes. So he's given me an industrial supply. Yeah.

An industrial supply of coffee grounds have you looked up if that's nitrate rich? I'm not going to do that what's the best manure for leeks? can I tell you one other thing that I'm doing as well? I'm pissing on the leek bed you're pissing on the leeks I'm not pissing on the leeks I'm pissing on the leaks. I'm not pissing on the leaks.

I'm pissing on the leak bed to prepare the soil. For you to piss on them, for you pissing on the leaks. Just get ready. This is going to happen a lot more. How much piss are you going to use on these leaks? Have you even read that anywhere? He's not going to read it. Just give up, James.

He's not going to. He's never done it. He's basically going to come out of it with dead. He's never going to. He's basically going to come out of it with like dead leaves in the ground in a year's time or whatever. Yeah, like what's this? They just show leaks.

But you know what? A lot of people in this country that are struggling, they want to have my pissy leaks. It's good that you're not going to waste the pissy leaks. It's good that you're not going to waste the pissy leaks. That is what I... That is what my charity is.

That's my charity work for this year. That's the official verbal concerns. I said, if you want, if you're a bit sad and you haven't got loads of food and you want a leak and you don't mind travelling hours and hours and hours to get here. Then you can have a leak. You can enjoy Chris Cantrell's pissy leaks.

I think they're going to make like a leak broth with it. I had some last year. It was absolutely delicious. And the unspoken truth of this leak competition is that everybody is pissing on these leaks. Yeah. I mean, if it's your like, if it's your like Guinness piss all over these leaks, is that everybody is pissing on these leaks. Yeah, I mean, if it's your, like, if it's your, like, Guinness piss all over these leaks, is that ideal?

Yeah, if you've got to eat something specific to get you... Why don't you drink some water? Pineapple, I've heard. I think that's come. You're not doing that on the leaks. I'm not coming on the leaks. You're coming on the bed to prepare it. The leak bed. Spirits really are running high at tonight's recording, actually.

This is everything you need. The sound of hot cum hitting topside. Long old Dave, he's got a cum all over that bed. Poor old lad. People think it can't be done. You just need to treat it like a job. 8 a.m. Come on, somebody.

But then you get to the pub and the king of the leaks comes in. It's like, yeah, you don't want to be chiseling on your leaks, mate. We should have this first thing in the morning. Dave, put it away. Why didn't you use gloves? Oh, oh.

And that's the countryside. There is the countryside, mate. Although there's one extra thing that's going on. Do you know the spooky hotel? Yeah, what's happened? Three, well, I've seen three ambulances. No. Oh.

Fire engines going up and a police car. It's not a fire. There appears to be some sort of shenanigans going on at the spooky hotel. More information as and when it comes through, if it's appropriate. Can you get a drone? Can we get a drone as a podcast expenditure? Yeah. Yeah.

And then I'll have it for a bit and then I'll bring it down when we do the live show. I'll bring it to you and you can try and fly it over Buckingham Palace. We could live stream the live show from a drone. Do you remember Rowan's bowling alley when you used to live around Finsbury Park? Yeah.

We all went out there. James did a dance to Cavendish. I remember it. We did it all the time after those gigs, didn't we? I went there last night. Stuck two layers of security to get in. First layer, fine. Just looking at my ID.

Second layer told me I look like the King's bodyguard. And I said, what's that, a film? He said, no, no, you look like the actual King's bodyguard. And I said, what's that, a film? He said, no, no, you look like the actual King's bodyguard. Google him. He's a middle-aged Asian guy. Is he? Yeah. Crucially, do you look like him?

No, he doesn't have glasses either. He's just got a beard. He's an Asian guy with a beard. Is he that King's bodyguard in the, oh, yeah, I see. No, I've seen it. He's a, you look nothing like him other than that nothing like him at all he got a beard is he like the proper because there's a certain type of kings yeah he's not like a army one he's like a personal like you know you hire one of the

lads off the books there's a there's an actual role that is like i don't i can't remember what it's called right now but there's oh like an ancient role there's a specific ancient role and their job is when it when when a sovereign is current coronated kind corinne when when when they do that there's sort there is actually a bit of sort of like if anyone knows any objection there's one of them does actually happen and if anyone wants to duel the king for the right to be king you can do it at that point but because it's the king he doesn't do it himself or the sovereign doesn't do it themselves they have like a standing that does that that is there to do that fight for them. Yeah, yeah.

Really? Did they do that in the coronation? I don't remember. I remember reading about the Queens guy, and it was like this 90-year-old or 70-year-old man. I thought, I could probably have him. I could have him. I could be king.

Yeah. What did it call? I don't know. John Wick 4, when they have that duel. It's always John Wick 4, were you? And the French guy stands in for, it's like a proxy. He's got a name in it, like a proxy or a champion or something like that. A champion is usually for like children, isn't it?

Would you be my champion? You're not a child. But now we didn't know that. How do you get in that room? Imagine that, me going toe to toe with William. This is the duel set at the Sacre Coeur Basilica is overseen by the Harbinger. Imagine that.

So who would Prince William's proxy be? I don't think he'd be in this though, would he? But imagine that. So if I beat the proxy, I can be the king of, I can be the king. Yeah. But why didn't they show that on telly then?

I don't, yeah, I don't know. Because there's why didn't they show that on telly then? I don't, yeah, I don't know. Because there's a secret bit they're never allowed to film. That bit, the way he went in the little room and he got the, he got stuff put on his head and came out in a, in a night shirt.

It's where he gets to look at the turnip baby. You know, I can baby in his barn and it's all like, it's just one eye and it can see the future. Oh yeah. I remember that bit. Okay. No, that's the hidden bit the baby like puts its like sort of club and hoof hand on it on the king's head don't worry about it everything's gonna be okay is it and the king sees flashes of images until the end of their reign. So to say. So that.

My top is the same colour as my ceiling. Yeah, it is, isn't it? I can see that. Yeah. Gonna have to edit the stuff about the prediction, baby. Why? Just because it's too raw.

It's too near the surface. We're not allowed to say. They don't show it on telly for a reason and we're not allowed to. that. They don't show on telly for a reason, and we're not allowed to. But imagine this is the viral marketing that this podcast needs. What? The baby thing? No, no.

We challenge whoever challenges William to a duel. Is only one person allowed to have a go, though? I can't remember what it was. I will do it. I will do it. I will do it and James will be my proxy. You don't get to choose a proxy. The defender chooses a proxy, not you. No, but I'll be like, challenge William, James.

And then he'd pick up this like 17th century pistol. And then just that's the best marketing because everybody's talking about. Immediately they'll's talking about immediately they'll be talking about rural concerns the podcast yeah yeah james is there dying with the slug of a 17th century pistol i'm not on board with this at all because i don't think the king should have a podcast no like that time the queen did a twitter what would what oh my god

the king's podcast would be dull Prince Harry's had several podcasts yeah he's not the king though is he he's not gonna be the king he's not allowed is he

he's given it up hasn't he yeah and that's when so we could get into podcasting it's very much a superman 2 situation he went in the crystal dome

and that little baby you mentioned spoke to him the little baby that you just edited out no keep the baby in keep the baby in keep the turnip child in joe unedit out the turnip child now prince harry made the ultimate sacrifice in many ways he forewent the ability to serve his country through going to Little Fates. And as previously discussed, have tabs inside. And have tabs inside.

He forewent that and the security, even though he didn't want to give that up, so that he could do a podcast with his beautiful wife. I can't remember. Have we discussed this before? Because I don't know what was said. I can't think that any Prince Harry, Meghan Markle chat ended up

in even the bonus episodes. What's been going on in the city? Should we hear what's been going on in the city, Chris? Well, since last chat, bloody nothing. I'll tell you what, nothing's been going on in the city? Should we hear what's been going on in the city, Chris? Well, since last chat, bloody nothing. I'll tell you what, nothing's been going on. I've, um... Well, you, I mean, apart from being mistaken for the King's bodyguard. Oh, yeah, that was my city news.

Here is the city, mate. That, got a robot vacuum. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. And transitions lenses in my glasses. Don't figuratively or literally put the robot vacuum whoa whoa whoa whoa and transitions lenses in my glasses don't figuratively or literally put the robot vacuum under the carpet that is i mean it's not it's still in the box it's still in the box but i've got to teach it later i've got to take the boy out for a run teach it what's all about are you gonna be sending it back the day after it's like it's full of beer this one's thick as fuck doesn't get it

does it learn based on your actions no it maps I've got to show it the room I've got to map it I've got to walk it

around the room haven't I loads of people I've spoken to have got one and they're like oh it's changed my life

but we've just got we haven't got it we've got carpet in two rooms the rest of the time that poor robot would be

just sucking up nails and dust it'd kill it it'd kill the robot I don't want to kill it it's not a good time to kill robots either no

same ones come in yeah they did a race in China didn't they they came second in a race in China running a load of robots

yeah they're a marathon humans and then then bipedal ones fast ones or normals normals they took twice as long

as the humans, but Moore's Law, isn't it? This time next year. Why would they bother running when they could just fly everywhere? Because, as we've told, I've done a full... We won't talk about AI,

but I've done a full... I was very anti-AI. Then I started looking at AI because I was listening to a podcast. You forgot Moore's Law. I forgot Moore's Law. I started listening to a podcast and it was basically saying that it's here, it's not going anywhere.

So I was like, you know what? I'm going to use it to take drudge out of my life. Like learning how to grow leeks. Like learning how to grow leeks. No, like I have to write press releases that nobody ever opens, you know, stuff like this. So I used AI to do that. But then I realised it's just the Emperor's new clothes.

Oh, you're back again. You don't like it again. I'm back to not liking it again. You've done an actual 360. I've done a legit 360. All it does is tell you what you want to hear, because you're paying it money and you're giving it time, and it's for

a commercial company so it's not an ai is not going to be like actually i think this press release is mental i put in like i need a dynamic eye-catching press release for this event and then at the end i took what i did and basically rewrote it and said so this is where i ended up with and ai went that is a dynamic and i catch impressively so like that's just what i said to you i don't is it like it's the emperor's new clothes it's for idiots it's it i mean it's weird what it can do in terms of like i saw some animations it did that was very impressive quite scary if you're an animator i guess there's some really like the nightmarish visuals of what ai could do it's like quite dreamlike but like a nightmare you know i have you seen the jesus one where jesus comes up to a dog and then it turns

into a person it's so frightening it's really weird and frightening and then i've seen really funny versions where people have recreated it in real life. So they've made themselves look like a dog and then someone who looks like Jesus comes up to them and then they turn into a person and then Jesus kind of flies away on robot legs. Maybe I dreamed it. Yeah, no, this has all the hallmarks of a dream.

And there was a little turnip child. You get up to do the presentation, you're fully nude. Yeah, and I bit into an apple and my teeth are made of cream cheese. Can I ask what you're doing for Easter Sunday, egg-wise as well, please? I've been requesting a Tony's Chocolonely egg for four weeks. You're whispering now? And they sold out oh fuck about a week ago so i think i'm getting a mini eggs you don't think they'll have got it before then and hidden it from you i know i know 100 they haven't all right just wondering if you had any recommendation how's your exit chris the other thing is we'll ration it out to the kids and then just steal it when they go to bed.

Yeah, they don't, like, they don't, the amount of chocolate that my son gets, he has no interest in it past a point. Do you know what I mean? Like, I think overall we're probably not saturating him with sugar too much. So you crack a bit off, don't you, until it's gone. They'll forget one of them.

They will forget. They'll be like, oh, the buttons one from your auntie. Exactly. Yeah, you ate that on the day, I think. Yeah, yeah. Wipe, wipe. We're popping down to, we're doing at my mother and father-in-law's like an Easter, we do a little Easter egg hunt.

And I think we've got the last year of him being invested in that. We've got a few dotted around the garden and a big one and a book. Well, I'm doing one tomorrow. You're doing an Easter egg hunt? Where? Yeah, yeah.

Around Helen's new flat. Oh, that's nice. Yeah, she's going to hide eggs around it, I think. Yeah. With any children there? What? Nah, don't need them. Why would they be? Just a few of the boys.

Well, I'm going off to get my egg after this, so... What are you going to get? I don't know. I'll see what's down, what's been discounted. That's the thing, yeah. First thing tomorrow, you want to get out, go down, yeah. Shut tomorrow. Everything's shut tomorrow, isn't it?

There's a shop in the town where I am and they will be open. No, but that, well, that pricing tomorrow will be for panicked parents. Oh yeah. Panicked by. Yeah. No, it's Monday. Monday.

First thing. Monday. Monday's the day when we really make it work for us. January the 2nd. I got a pan of Tony for 20 P. Yeah, but it doesn't taste as good then, it it doesn't taste whatever whatever if you're getting it peak a panettone is not a it's like it's all but you always think the panettone is gonna be more exciting than it is when you take you it feels exciting it feels like a cake yeah but it's bread it's just bread

it's basically bread it's a big sort of tea cake it's a tall Italian tea cake have I frozen? no no just no we're waiting

we're just waiting just desperately thinking just thinking about what to talk about I mean fucking yeah just desperately hoping that someone says should we wrap it up now? should we We're just waiting. Just desperately thinking. Just thinking about what to talk about. I mean, if I can. Just desperately hoping that someone says, should we wrap it up now?

I'm trying to think of what, I've been to Broadstairs. I don't know if that helps. That's in Kent. Yeah. I think it's important when you do things, but also don't feel pressure to say things when you're not doing anything. Was it all Italian tea cake?

Italian tea cake stuff was good. I liked that. Yeah, that was nice. Yeah, but then I felt pressure to be like. Then you said broad stairs and Chris is kicking off. He's got, because he's already done the Kent story for the episode. He's got his stories done. He's happy with himself.

There's a tissue right here. He's brought it full circle. That's nicely done, actually, from a structure point of view. The problem is there are no notes on this one, and that's really thrown me. We have riffed this. But I have put some notes in the old notes section. I am comfortable riffing yes and yes and

i don't want to do it anymore that's the second rule the second lesson you learn at improv school thank you for listening to this episode of rural concerns here is a reminder that we're bringing rural concerns live to manchester's fairfield social Club on the 22nd of November, 2025. That ticket link for that is better be in the show notes, Chris. It is. I checked I'd actually been doing it, so I'm not in trouble.

Also, I've got some stuff to do. I'm going on a few tour dates. Charlie, Wells Comedy Festival, Newcastle upon Tyne. And I've also just announced I'm going to the Edinburgh Fringe to do a work in progress show for five nights. Come, come see me.

I'm going to talk about, I'll tell you what, I like the new show. Oh, yeah. It's, yeah, I better write it. Better do that. And if you'd like to support Rural Concerns, you can leave us a review on Apple Podcasts or Spotify. The best way to support us is by becoming a Rural Concerns Patreon.

For a small donation, you'll not only be supporting a fiercely independent podcast. I know what that means. It means we haven't got the man putting their boot on his neck, saying a monster energy drink is good. Why are we so fiercely about it? The man is saying, listen, Jamie Lang, Monster Energy drinks are good, say that they're good.

And he'll go, yes, boss. Whereas we'll be like, no, little kids shouldn't be having Monster Energy drinks. It makes their hearts stronger. Yeah. If you do do that, though, which was sign up to the Rural Concerns Patreon, you'll get a weekly bonus episode

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I don't know how many pockets you've got going on on your body. Now imagine if you had a five. I got it wrong. I've got five. Yeah, thank you. You've got the hatchback of pockets he's like he's standing up now

Lister and we can see he's got classic two in the side of the hips he's got an extra two on top of the knees that's for fifth one

he's got a pouch on the front of his he's got three hammer hoops and a big chain on his wallet and that's got that's got three hammer hoops and a big chain on his wallet and that's got that's got those little climbing things on it the chains around my neck you know oh yeah the chains around his neck with a vape on his wallet says straight edge like that