Segments - 77: Mother's Day/Butt Plugs

Episode Date: May 12, 2014

In this episode we discuss moms, ukeleles, and stinky situations. This episode is brought to you by Squarespace.com -- the easiest way to build a professional looking website! Check them out: http://bit.ly/17DIXqW See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.

Say Jake. Yeah? No, no, no. Say Jake. Jake. Great. Hey, I'm Jake Johnson, host of the podcast We're Here to Help. But this episode right now that you are listening to is sponsored by Brooklinen. Brooklinen provides luxury bed sheets, pillows, comforters, and blankets delivered straight to your door.

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Right. Promos. There it is. Thanks, DraftKings. This is our one-year anniversary episode. We come to the realization somewhere in the middle of that podcast, but it was special nonetheless. And it did get real. So don't worry about that.

Yeah, let's get started. Enjoy, everybody. If you're in a sticky situation And think that you might need a place To run and try to hide away Look no further than Amir and Jake And your burdens they will gladly take I may have overstated that, oh These dudes will give you some good advice Or at least they'll try Actually, I cannot promise you that

But they will do their best to make it funny Don't write an unlicensed honey Be unselfaware Hell yeah. Loser. No. He was playing a uke. You're the loser.

You don't know how to play any instrument. Yeah. And you just disparage people who do. But at least I don't pretend to play a normal-sized guitar and use a little dinky one. He doesn't do that. Sorry, I thought you'd be on my side here. He doesn't pretend it's another instrument.

Sure he does. Do you think everyone with the ukulele is trying to trick you yeah i think they're all tricksters i saw you walk up to a guy playing a ukulele on the subway you said you're not fooling anyone i said uh i'd give you a dollar but nice try look at this guys he's trying to pass this off as a guitar and clearly it's not it's some other tiny one he's trying to pretend like he's a 10 foot six inch guy playing a normal size guitar but i saw right through him he's five foot eight it's small on me too it's not a trick it's not an illusion it's just small everyone's booing me

um that guy's name was ethan ruby i like ethan ruby i like that song solid song i like the way he wrote it as he was singing it what do you mean he's like uh at least they'll try to give you advice actually i can't promise that like okay yeah there are songs like that where like they the lyrics contradict each other yeah it's funny because you would you do imagine the person like writing them down, recording them. So it's like, oh. Saturday in the park, I think it was the 4th of July. Yeah, before you record the song, just go make sure.

Double check. Saturday in the park, it was the 4th of July. Now that I think about it, it was the 2nd of July. It was definitely the 2nd of July. Or it's like that Elton John song Where he's like You see I've forgotten if they're green Or they're blue Oh he's talking about someone's eyes

Yeah And he also says If I was a sculptor But then again no Alright then don't use that one He doesn't know how to delete If you decided not to be a sculptor. But then again, no.

And then the song just ends. Sorry, the song isn't going to be about me being a sculptor. Yeah, you decided to go be a painter instead. But then again, no. Then again, no. So no song. Hey, this is If I Were You, the only advice podcast on the internet hosted by us i'm jake and i'm amir i i feel bad we can go back to doing the old way you know this is our one year

this is the one year anniversary show this is really yeah the the the our first episode was may 12 2013 or no may 13 2013 and now it's May. And today it's in podcast land May 12th 2013. Holy shit. Happy anniversary, brother. Yeah. Anyway. And happy anniversary to me too, brother. Brother.

This is also, I think, the latest we've recorded a podcast. Like, it's Sunday night at 9.45pm. Is this the latest we've recorded a podcast? Or like the's Sunday night at 9.45 p.m. Is this the latest we've recorded a podcast? Or, like, the closest to it's being released. Right, like, down to the wire.

Yeah, like, this is borderline live. Yeah. Because we just have to turn it around. If there's any mistakes in it, I apologize. We don't have time to listen to it. Borderline live and 100% irresponsible. Yeah, negligent. We ran out of time. We procrastinated. It was Mother's Day today. Oh, negligent. We ran out of time.

We procrastinated. It was Mother's Day today. Oh, yeah. You had to see your mother. I had to see my brother. Yeah, it was your brother's day today. Yes, I'm his mother, so I went up to see young Michael at school.

So how does it work? People are in difficult places. Obviously, life isn't good always. We should do like a, let's script a a duo intro oh because that way you know it's not all the the onus isn't all on you so like we so we but we say the same exact thing all the time people are in people are in need people all right people are what do you say i say uh people are in are in a difficult place in their lives. And then I'll say, dire straits, if you will.

Straits. But then again, no. All right, let's try that beginning. Ready? Okay. So how does it work? People are in difficult places in their lives. Dire straits, if you will.

And so what they do is they email us. They email us at ifirewoshyoushow at gmail.com. And we do our best to answer their questions. Let's get started. All right. We have that recorded. All we have to do is practice those lines. I have a fear I won't be able to nail straight every single time.

Did you just take a photo? I accidentally took a photo. You just took a fucking picture. I'm laying here shirtless. I didn't take a photo? I accidentally took a photo, yes. You just took a fucking picture. I'm laying here shirtless. I didn't take a photo of you. The most, I'm just going to tell you, the most discomforting sound when you're lying on a couch shirtless is the sound of a fucking camera going off.

It's such an embarrassing noise to be caught in, taking a surreptitious photo and just hearing. You know what would be a fun prank? Like at a trucker rest stop like there's just like a big a trucker guy right he's the actor he's like just a big old scary looking trucker yeah and then people come in and they're they're peeing next to him you just hear the sound of an iphone camera yeah this we just play that so the, we're not actually taking photos of them, so they can't get mad at us. It's not illegal.

Some people will look over at him and be like, did you take a picture? And then sometimes he should look at them and be like, did you just take a picture? You mean they're both at urinals next to each other? Yeah, side by side urinals. That's really good. I'm going to email Jimmy Fallon. What do you think it is? Jimmy at Fallon.

Do you think it's Jimmy at The Tonight Show? You know what it might be is Jimmy Fallon at Gmail. A lot of people you know, and thus probably a lot of celebrities, just have their names at Gmail. I have thought about that before. And I actually, Mary Kay Nashley Olson at Gmail.com is me. Really? I don't know if i can still use it but yeah you also started paul dano's twitter right yeah you troll you trolled paul dano the real paul

dano you made a fake twitter account for paul dano i really did do that let me see if i could find it it's what a small-time prank. I think it doesn't have... Oh, my God. The real Paul Dano. The real? I think it's the real Paul Dano. Yeah, the real Paul Dano.

Bio, this is a parody account. Oh, no, it couldn't load. Oh, wow, maybe they... They deleted me. Dano's people finally got to you. Fuck, dude. All right, let's get started. Let's answer these questions.

Real emails from real people. We're going to give them fake names to preserve their anonymity. Do you have a fake name theme for this episode? Let's do kids I went to elementary school with. Okay. So who wrote this email? Joe. Actually, should I not do his full name

let's say uh let's call him joe w joe doves writes hello guys i've been dating an amazing girl for a few months gorgeous brilliant the whole nine yards our sex life is for the most part pretty good but there's one rough spot. She has never let me go down on her. Not once, not ever. She gives me head occasionally and I could probably ask her to do it more, but I'd feel greedy not reciprocating.

What's more, she won't tell me why she won't let me go there. At first she said she'd be too loud, but then when we were in a more private place, I still got rebuffed. I try every few times we're fooling around, but whenever I get down there, she clamps her legs and clams right up. Pun intended. So how do I go about fixing this oral problem?

I really enjoy eating girls out. Plus, not to brag, but I've been told I'm pretty damn good at it. And we all know what Uncle Ben meant when he said, with great power comes great responsibility was actually if you're good at eating pussy eat pussy thanks guys excuse you uncle ben uncle ben this is sort of like the opposite problem of uh most people where it's like i want my girl or a guy to go down on me and they won't this is like i want to do it to them and they won't let me. I can understand where he's coming from. I would be devastating to me if I was with somebody who didn't like to receive oral sex.

Devastating? Even though she was down to give you oral sex? Yeah, I love oral sex. Doing that. Yeah, it's one of my favorite things to do. Would you be more devastated than if it were the other way around? I would rather...

Interesting. You'd rather receive than give it? No, I think I might rather give it. You'd rather give it? Yeah. That can't be true. As long as I can still fuck, yeah. I mean, I'd rather do both.

That's an option it's not i would i don't think i would be with somebody who like didn't like or not like but at least like you know it's interesting to what do you think it is about not wanting to get it i've i've met girls who don't like it yeah i guess it grosses them out right i think there's like an insecurity thing um i some girls maybe and some guys too maybe people are just like i don't want you to go down on me because i think my vagina looks weird i think it smells weird i think i i don't want you to be that close to it and then also maybe maybe some uh girls are like super sensitive there and it's not actually it's

like it's actually not pleasurable it's almost like being tickled you know it there and it's not actually, it's like, it's actually not pleasurable. It's almost like being tickled. You know, it's like, it's too intense. Oh, geez. Imagine that, too intense. Which sounds like a good thing, but you wouldn't want someone to just be tickling you. That's too intense. Tickling is too intense.

Tickling's intense. I'll go down on a girl. I'll let her suck my dick, but tickling's where I draw the line. Yeah, you don't want anybody sort of wiggling your ribcage. Yeah, oh, I love being tickled. Didn't I tickle you on the podcast once? Probably. So what do you do in this situation?

How do I go about fixing this oral problem is the specific question. Well, it sounds like he hasn't done anything. He hasn't, like, really gone. He hasn't, wow, I can't think of the word and I might never be able to. I think this is the end. Dealing with the problem head on. When you're deep. That's a good pun, though.

Oh, yeah. You mean broaching it in a non-sexual way yeah just like fucking saying what you're thinking because right now he's like they talked about it she's like it would be too i would be too loud and he's like okay and then he accepted that and then a fake excuse right well i understand him like accepting that at first so then but then he tried in a more private setting and she still said no and she's clamming up on him then i think you should maybe there's an issue that could be worked out like hey um do you not like that and then she could say give you the reasons why she doesn't and maybe you could quell her fears maybe she'll say i think my vagina is weird you say i think you have the best looking vagina i've ever seen in my whole life she's like i think it's um

i think it's gonna i think it's smelly and you say it smells like roses and then you do go down on her and then you're like holy shit actually never mind you were right you go down there and immediately vomit

oh baby why did you let me do this you should have continued with some sort of ruse an excuse I think you should yeah you should just say like, what's up? What's the deal?

Tell me like it is. Especially if this is your girlfriend. It's not like some just random girl you're hooking up with. You guys should be able to have a better communication. Yeah. Just at least bring it up, not while you're... Blah! Oh, God.

Sorry, I just thought about this chick's pussy. Blah! I think her biggest nightmare is this conversation right now being broadcast to tens of thousands of people sorry being podcasted okay on a borderline live podcast um yeah i would say i i he hasn't even told aster about it yeah he should do that you should do that you should talk to her about it. I also love that this is... My talent is being wasted on her. Yeah, it's like giving...

I'm the best. I'm a Casanova. It's locking Michael Jordan in a gymnasium and not giving him a ball. It's a waste of potential here. Trust me, I am the Spider-Man of going down on chicks. What does that mean? Well, Uncle Ben.

The Spider-man reference oh did not get that i thought he meant the rice guy who's uncle ben's rice it's the company isn't it you thought that uncle the rice company said with great power comes great responsibility i thought it was a really good rice. No, I think that's a rice-a-roni. Yeah. It was either the San Francisco treat or with great power comes great responsibility. Yeah. Yeah.

Either way, two parts water, one part rice. Please don't destroy this great, great responsibility you have. All right. Do you have a female elementary school friend's name for the second question? Oh, yes. Sarah C. Sarah C. Okay, this is sort of a Mother's Day-themed question.

Perfect timing. Hey, guys. Recently, my husband and I have been talking about starting a family. We are both really excited, but I'm a little worried about becoming a mom. My husband has a great relationship with his family. They are very close and talk a lot. I, on the other hand, still have a lot of resentment towards my parents due to an unhappy childhood. My mom has a criminal record and my dad barely bothers to conceal his old school sexism

around his daughters. We do not talk any more than once a month and I do not have very much respect for either of them. I'm worried that I won't know how to be a good mom because of this and my husband is such an amazing person. I don't want to disappoint him or our child. Jake often talks about his awesome loving relationship with his mom. So I was wondering if you guys could share some of the things that your parents did to foster your relationships and keep you guys close into adulthood.

Thanks. Sincerely, Sarah C. Oh my goodness. It sucks because she can't be a good mom. Regardless of how many good stories we give her. I was going to say, maybe she has the kid,

gives it to the husband and then leave. Cause that way the husband, he deserves a kid. It's going to be a good dad. Cause he had a good, he had good parents. Yeah. And that way she doesn't taint him. That's like,

regardless of how much she tries, it's not going to happen. I feel like I'll say, um, one, one, uh, piece of advice before I go into i'm gonna because i'm

gonna tell my mom how much i love this mother's day you bet your fucking ass i'm gonna tell because you didn't actually call her i yeah i didn't call her today um so i think you can learn by bad example as well as by example you were raised in a household where your parents showed you how not to do it. Your husband was raised in a household where his parents showed him how to do it. So you guys actually make a perfect team. Oh, wow. It's a perfect pair. And you can see who does it better now.

It's sort of like a competition. All right. God, you so quickly turn it negative. Yeah, it's a game. It's impressive. So you get 10 points for, you know, actually holding the child. Just birthing him is 10 points.

What does the winner get? The winner gets the kid's inheritance if he or she should perish before the parents. So it all comes back to money. Yeah, ideally it's a cash game. Yeah, life is a cash game. Your whole life is just money. Life is not a zero-sum game.

Life is a 1-0-0-0-0-0, a.k.a. a million cash game. Where the winner gets cash. You're broke. Yeah, because I haven't had a kid yet. I wanted to... You saw your mother today. Yeah. Was that nice? Yeah, it was nice.

It was fun to hang out with my mommy. Did you tell her you loved her? I didn't have to because I don't. You and your parents don't say I love you. Rarely, yeah. I don't know. Did you tell your mom you loved her today? No.

You never said I love you? No, I show it in different ways. I don't have to say it. I don't have to fake it with words fake what do you mean fake it oh i love how do you show her that you love her uh i'll give her a hug and say happy mother's day and you like i give her a card with a five dollar bill they took you out to every meal today right yeah yeah i would never pay for any of it i see okay um you're a bad son i tell my mommy i love her right but your mom and my mom are opposites

oh we were talking about this a few weeks ago um or the other week when we went to we were in san francisco yeah and we were going to the baseball game and you were talking to your mom on the phone and she's like who's going how are you going to get there the train or cab right what time is the game who's picking you up who's going how are you going to get there the train or cab right what time is the game who's picking you up who's picking you up what did you eat and um it's just all logistics yeah yeah who's like who's there what's this how what what's happening with this like she's writing a journalism article about yeah and then i talked to my mom i I was like, yeah, I went to a Giants game. And she's like, was it amazing? She just wants to know my feelings.

My mom has never even used the word amazing. Does she ever ask you how you feel about something? I'm sure. But she's very, she's like non-spiritual. Right. Sort of like me. You also came to the realization the other day that your mom is like you and your dad is like me. Right.

Yeah. Which is why I think that we're going to last forever. Yeah, and we're going to adopt six kids. I really hope so. So would you like to give your mom a shout out for Mother's Day? She's not going to listen to this podcast because we don't have that kind of relationship either. But my mom knows how much I appreciate her. All right.

Good. I'm happy. I'm her favorite son. And as such, I've done the best job at being her child. That's good. I'm her baby boy. I would like to tell my mother on this podcast that I love you dearly. You're my mommy.

I'm your baby. I am your little boy. And you are my big lady. That's not a nice thing. All right. I love you, mom. You know what? I'll say this.

This is me being real right now. I wouldn't be a writer if it weren't for my mom. Well, can't I say the same thing wouldn't i have been a different person if not for my mom just by well didn't she constantly ask you to go to law school yeah and that sort of reverse motivated me oh that's oh just like this this woman yes her husband will learn from her mistakes perfect i love you mom, let's try to give this girl some advice. Firstly, asking two non-parental dudes how to be a mom is... You just called me fat? Why?

Too non-parental? We don't have kids, is what I'm saying. Asking two dudes about how to be a mom is... We're really out of our comfort zone here. But here's the thing. Being a good mom, well, everyone says that they're not ready to be a mom because you can't be ready to be a mom. The only way you become ready to be a mom is by becoming a mom. I don't know how it's done,

and maybe you won't know how it's done until you have a baby. And the most important thing is to give a lot of effort and uh it seems like you're going to give extra effort because you want to overcome this adversity so if anything you're more capable than people who have had better parents to becoming a mom and you shouldn't be worried or what did you say uh oh you shouldn't be worried that you don't know how to be a good mom because of this. If anything, it should motivate you to become a better mom. And I think it will do just that. Cool. Would you mind if I attack a little bit of the old Jake Spice on this?

Yeah. I will first submit a counterpoint to that we don't know because you and I had moms. Right. So I feel like we do know a little bit about good parenting. Okay. I think that we're not necessarily an authority, but I think it's acceptable that she would ask.

So on that matter, I disagree with you. Her being a good mom, I'm going to disagree with you there too. She's fucked. No, I think you're worse off if you're coming into this situation like i'm gonna be the best mom fuck it don't worry nobody tell me anything i got this you are like coming in with such an open mind that you're like how do i how do i be good and as soon as you have that level of self-awareness then i think you know you will be good you're gonna your kid's gonna help you your husband's gonna help you your past experiences are gonna help you your parents are not gonna help you because fuck them yeah well that's the

only your uh your little baby might not have the best grandparents but fuck it they'll have a good mom i'll take good mom over good grandparents any day oh yeah that's what's up how many grandparents of yours did you know um all of them yeah you had all four well my i guess my first my grandfather died when i was like 15 and then then they started dropping but i guess i was 18 when my other grandma died then i was like 25 when my other grandma died and my other grandpa's still kicking damn i basically only had one grandparent by the time i was like two weeks old i only had one grandparent left but she stayed alive uh till i was like 22 oh there you there you go. Anyway, anyway.

You're crying. Sorry for things getting a little real, but as advertised, they should. That's what's up. Now, let's get to this question about butt plugs. Mom, turn on the podcast. We need a guy's name. Okay. It's not that I don't have one. Uh, we need a guy's name. Um, okay.

It's not that I don't have one. I'm just trying to think of, like, who my boys were. You know what I mean? Yeah. Like, okay, so let's call this one Corey C. Corey C. writes, I've been with my girlfriend for almost two years now, and things are going great.

She's trusting, funny, and quite a smoke show. A goddamn dime. But here's my conundrum. While browsing the internet the other day, I came across a deal on butt plugs. At a mere five British pounds, I couldn't afford not to buy one. Since it arrived, I've been toying with how to approach the subject with my girlfriend. I don't even know if she's into that kind of thing. I mean, I've shoved a finger up there before and she seems to enjoy it,

but this has quite a lot more girth than a finger. I'm also worried that if I don't say anything soon, she might stumble upon it and get the wrong idea that I'm using it on someone else or even on myself. How do I bring it up in conversation with her? Or could I just get it out next time we're having sex and see what happens? Any help would be greatly appreciated. Where was he browsing that a deal on butt plugs just came up? You have to specifically shoot us straight, dude.

Tell us you just like fucking sought the butt plug out i'm not gonna i'm not gonna sit here and pretend that that was a pop-up ad that he clicked on and decided to buy it i was reading the news at buttplugs.org and i was like oh but ads don't come up unless you're like who the fuck looks at the ads when you're watching porn though what exactly is a butt plug is it exactly what it sounds like is it just a dildo for your butthole um does it have a string on the end of it so you can yank it out i've seen is it like a wooden tampon of sorts you've never seen a butt plug and how would i have seen a butt plug you watch watching porn i've never seen a butt plug in porn really yeah god what is it it looks it's sort of like it kind of looks like um like a yo-yo spherical no it looks like the ace of spades a little bit oh except you know like not not the hard edges okay just sort of like a mushroom almost right

and so you can slide in because it's thin at the top and then it widens out towards the base thin at the top widens out toward the base and then it goes it's it goes very tight in and then there's sort of like a uh um just a cylinder base at the bottom so it doesn't like slip in i guess i don't know but is there a string that you can like you know some of them have some of them i've seen some of them that have like horse tails at the end uh some of them have strings then this is the noise i imagine it makes when you take it out i i resent that yeah you're so i will say there's nothing wrong with that's enough of that there's nothing wrong with desiring butt plugs there's nothing wrong with, that's enough of that. There's nothing wrong with desiring butt plugs. There's something wrong with lying to me about how you came across the butt plugs.

Have you ever used one? No. That's pretty intense. Is it for guys to use or girls or both? Both. Anybody with a butt. Anyone with a butthole that they want plugged. So this guy bought it thinking that his

girlfriend would wear it i mean he do you wear it if it's in you is it wearing it um i guess you you saw you would wear it around during the day i think you like play with it right um i i don't know i wonder i feel like you can't just show her the butt plug because then she's going to be like, you've had this, you used it on other people already, you want to use it on me. God, imagine washing a butt plug. You'd have to really rinse it thoroughly, right? You'd probably just run it under some warm water. Like you're cleaning your retainer in the morning.

Actually, rest your toothbrush on it. Oh, God. I think you have to have the discussion with your girlfriend before you purchase the butt plug. You can't be like, I bought this butt plug. Put it in. Well, it's too late. He found a good deal. He didn't want the price to go up.

So I think I would lie and just be like, I'm curious. I want to try to use a butt plug. Would you be down with that? She's way less likely to do it if you just bring it out. She's like, what did you expect? You thought you were going to pull out a butt plug and i was gonna put it in well maybe it's best to have that conversation in the heat of the moment don't you think like a butt plug during sexual stuff is much less intense than a butt plug during like a picnic no because i think

like you're taking out a baguette from a basket and then also a butt plug well i feel like you broached the subject um subtly at first i don't like if you're hooking up and then you pull out the butt plug she might balk at that she might be like whoa stop i'm putting my clothes on it's a mood killer right but i think you're you're out at lunch and you're talking about your sex life like oh man i, man, I've never been so happy. Is there anything that you would like me to do sexually? Butt plugs. I think you say, I love anal stuff. I'm curious about exploring that world. And then you feel it out.

You see if she's down. Maybe. You don't like butt stuff, so you don't understand. Yeah. So you're saying, like the butt plug itself, you have to insert it into the conversation slowly at first. And then you shove it right in. No, you don't have yeah so you're saying like the butt plug itself you have to insert it into the conversation slowly at first and then you shove it right in no you don't have to shove it right and then at the end of the conversation i've never seen you struggle more with this you're usually good at it it's the performance of it uh yeah i think you you gotta you you gotta just uh bring it up then introduce the fact that you

uh you are gonna buy it like never tell her that you bought the butt plug without her knowing i think this guy should go to prison i think sodomy is a sin worth dying for. I think this guy doesn't deserve to have a girlfriend or a life of his own. He is hedonistic. He is motivated by, I guess, the devil or something worse. And he shouldn't shove this object of Satan into anyone's rectum, let alone hers. No, I guess your advice was good talk to her about it though i would say do it during the heat of the moment all right that's fair really no i disagree but that's your advice um i just i just this is break time i want to announce that i found the uh the paul

dano twitter oh okay yeah yeah this is good it is break time all right great because um wait talk more into the mic i'm afraid people will miss it out all right yeah this is my this is i guess like so you started a twitter wow this is crazy may may 10th oh no it started in march oh but i just found one for may 10th 2012 2012. It started in February. Because somebody on our subreddit, shout out to r slash Jake and Amir, said that our one-year anniversary of the podcast is coming up. And then I realized that it's also like the, is it seven-year? Seven-year anniversary of the Jake and Amir video starting.

That's crazy. Also in May. So I feel like we only start shit in May. That's springy. And then you're like, oh, this Twitter account also started. Not in May, though, in March. Still spring. Still counting it.

Dude, I think that we're in bloom. That's what's up. The rebirth of our brains. I agree. So how many tweets do you have from this Paul Dano account? Also, why did you start it? I think I was just like, I must have been really bored. I have 36 tweets.

I'm following seven people, and I have 1,600 followers. 1,600? That's pretty good. That's a lot. Jesus. The first thing I tweeted was eclipse. Then the next day I tweeted solar eclipse. Then the next day I tweeted total lunar eclipse.

So the game here is that Paul Dano is just interested in, just like some weird like astrology hobbyist. Well, I think I just wanted him to seem like really, really deep and artsy and sort of like. Gotcha. Ambiguous. But then there's also a whole bunch of. What was the last tweet, the one that you did in May of 2013? The week we started this podcast.

Well, the last one I did was September 27th, 2012. And I just wrote complete. So what did you say was in May? Oh, it started in March and you thought it was May. Yeah. Because it said M-A-R? Or because you saw 03 and you thought that was the numerical equivalent of May? I think, oh, because I thought I, no, I was scrolling and it was on May and I thought I had scrolled to the bottom, but I hadn't.

Should you tweet something now? I probably should. You do have 1,600 followers. Somebody named Jim tweeted at him, and he said, at the real Paul Dano, I met you in Cali, man. You remember me? We hung outside the hotel. And I just wrote back, yeah.

It's so subtle because you're not trying to make him sound bad or good. He's also a celebrity that would never actually have a Twitter account, and he'll never find out about this, it seems. I guess, yeah, the way I found it just now is I Googled Paul Dano Twitter. And it came up. Yeah. What's a funny tweet to do after a year? Are you really the Paul Dano?

Are you really the real Paul Dano? And I wrote, yeah. An impersonator would lie. Oh man, you're absolutely mad and there will be blood. Reminds me of the religious freaks we have in North Carolina. Ha ha.

And I just wrote back THX. You're so subtle. There's no reason to do this. No. It's so boring. You're not making a statement. Mm-hmm. I guess the only fitting thing that i could write is um maybe uh maybe i'll retweet a jake and amira video these guys are actually

on point in a way and i feel like the blonde one is a better actor than me i really can't believe i have 1,600 followers. I haven't looked in two years. That's almost sad for Paul Dano. Is it Dano or Dano? I don't know. We're going to find out. How?

People are going to tell us. We're going to get emails about it. Paul Dano? I feel like it's Dano. Paul Dano. I'll go on record as saying it's Dano, and I don't care if I'm wrong. Book him, Dano. Paul Dano. I'll go on record as saying it's Dano, and I don't care if I'm wrong. Book him, Dano. Another thing that I wanted to mention during the break is that our show at the Hollywood Improv is almost sold out, but not quite yet.

Our live podcast, Saturday, May 31st. So that link is at our site, ifireyoushow.com. Or you can just Google Ifireyoushow Live Hollywood Improv. Jake and me are live Hollywood improv. You know, there's just like different ways to use the search engine. We have a show coming up in New York. When? June 12th.

Really? UCB. Oh, okay. There we go. June 12th. You can probably buy tickets for that. I heard it here first. Our triumphant return to New York City.

Oh my God. Nobody shows up. Just to prove a fucking point. Paul Dano's there. Well, well, well. He bought out the whole theater to confront me. How's that for a lunar eclipse? Dano, you sick fuck, I'm sorry.

I loved you in the milkshake movie. Let's edit all this Paul Dano stuff out. I want people to think it's really the real Paul Dano. It's a six minute long podcast how many times a day do you think somebody yells milkshake at paul dano or i drink your milkshake um twice that's not bad actually it's pretty good considering considering how many times you get called the pinch the pinch I forgot about that. Never forget. All right, ready for the last question? Yeah. Girl's name.

Let's call this gal Leslie H. Oh, very nice. Thank you. You think this episode should be called Mother's Day or Butt Plugs? I feel like we should do Mother's Day slash Butt Plugs. Oh, that's funny. Thank you. Hey, guys.

We're a good team. Yeah. Hey, guys. So I have a friend who is always complaining about never having been in a relationship and how she doesn't understand why guys don't like her. She isn't lacking in self-esteem, seeing as she always says how she thinks she has a great personality and she has a really pretty face, which she does. She always just blames it on the fact that she's kind of a plus-sized girl. And while that may or may not be the reason she's single, I'm going to bet it's the fact that she smells really bad.

She only showers every three to four days and never washes her clothes. I already had to ask her to stop the car because her smell made me sick, and I blamed it on motion sickness. She's a really nice person and a good friend, but how do you tell a friend that they smell so bad it literally makes you sick? Everyone around her complains behind her back, and they tell me I have to say something because it won't sound mean coming from me. Just curious to see what you would do. Thanks. Oh, this question breaks my heart. This is how we're going to go out? I feel so sad.

Why? She has an easily solvable problem no that girl's gonna be so sad when she's like you have to take showers you smell bad that girl's gonna be like how long have people been talking about this well i don't know how long have you been taking a bi-weekly showers what sort of days is fine no it is not i'll go six days without showering yeah and it's bad. Do I smell bad? Probably. By day three, four, five. You spend a lot of time with me. Do I ever smell bad?

Sometimes, I guess. I wouldn't say. What? Sometimes you have BO if you go three days without showering. Of course I don't. How do you go that long without showering? Don't you feel dirty? I like feeling dirty.

You like feeling sticky? I like feeling sticky. I like feeling dirty. I feeling sticky i like feeling sticky i like feeling dirty i like smelling my own bo i love going to bed having just showered wet hair clean pjs and a shirt and socks you yeah you i wear a lot of clothes to sleep i sleep completely naked yeah we often see each other in the uh the the morning. Right. I'm wearing a baggy t-shirt, pajama pants and socks, and you're nude. You're naked. Yeah.

Next time you're naked. To be fair, you're not wearing pants right now. That's true. Next time you're naked, I just want you to hear this. Just to make you really nervous. Hey, dude. So, you smell. Well, this is kind of just a general dilemma is like your friend has an easily fixable issue, but you don't want to broach it.

Like I've had this issue with friends. They're like, oh, this guy or this girl does this one thing. And they can just not do it. And everybody would like them more. And as your friend, it would help. It would be very helpful to tell them what it is. Right. But it might come at the sacrifice

of making it weird for the next couple days, weeks, months. It's sort of like having something in your teeth or your fly down. It's like a little uncomfortable to tell somebody, like, hey, pick your teeth. But I think as a person, I'd rather have that moment of discomfort and then have clean teeth and this is this is like a you know a bigger scale problem than that because you have to have

like a real uncomfortable conversation but i wonder if you could just be like getting your car like wow you kind of smell bad today oh and then when was the last time you showered this week yeah just like you smell bad today and almost, you could start it now. Pretend that it just started to be a problem. So you're like, I think the thing that's painful is, is saying like, with anything like this, you say something and you're like, how long has this been building up? How long have people been talking behind my back? How long have I smelled bad?

So you just say, hey, you smell bad. As if you're saying it for the first time you just noticed and it's like what really like yeah did you shower today like oh no i should no i showered four days ago and then she showers and then that's good and then you give her positive reinforcement when she did show and then next time she smells again you've already established that you'll just say something so she get you get in her car like whoa you whoa, you reek. And she's like, wow, this is the second time you've told me that. Yeah, I think you're starting to smell a bit.

You should shower. Yeah, your hair's greasy, too. But you play it off like this is just a new relationship. This is what you've discovered. Not like, this is pent up for so long, and I finally have to say something. You smell, and you always have. I totally agree with telling people though I have a personal story that uh this reminds me of where somebody

told me something where like I was already doing the thing so I remember in high school I had zits I had acne greasy face red face and one of my female friends uh while we were on the phone once was like by the way like you know you can like like do you like know about like uh clear a cell and like uh neutrogena like this like gel you can like wash your face i was like yes i know about that and then she's like okay i'm just saying like maybe it'll help you out i I was like, I'm already using that. You bitch. What a backfire. I just felt like, oh, now I know everyone's talking about my skin, and also I'm already doing the thing that you're suggesting. So nothing's going to work.

Now what, girl? You fucked me. The only solace I could take in this was that people weren't paying as much attention to my face as I was paying attention to my face. And now I know that's not true. I had the worst type of acne, which was like bad, but not bad enough to have Accutane, which is like the miracle pill that just destroys your entire body and also acne. Really? Yeah. That's what Accutane does?

Yeah. Accutane is like an atomic bomb. It like thins out every cell in your body it's like it it does stop acne but also it makes your eyes yellow and dry your fingernails thin your toes stop desperately wanted accutane well i desperately wanted clear skin yeah and like kids with worse skin than me had better skin within six weeks because they had accutane well now isn't there like um i wonder if Accutane is still legal. Like, that shit was fucking dangerous.

That was like a really... Only like... It only... People kept using it because teens hate zits that much. They're like, yeah, I'll fucking... I don't care if it causes depression and suicidal tendency. Crazy thoughts. I heard something like...

I don't know if this is a real story, if it was just like an anecdote they told us in health class, but there was like... These kids were using... They were like sniffing some type of glue to get high, and they like put labels all over this glue. They're like, don't sniff it, like it's dangerous, whatever, whatever, and people are still doing it. And then they just printed on the label like, sniffing this glue like causes breakouts, and they stopped. Oh yeah, it's so funny.

Like kids will do anything as long as it means they don't get zits zits are the fucking worst i remember i had a zit a couple months ago and it was like the first one i had to deal with in years and you just couldn't stop thinking i couldn't stop thinking about it um i just pulled it up and it says pulled from the market accutane still available nonetheless and that was in 2012 so i guess they did eventually uh pull it accutane still available nonetheless and that was in 2012 so i guess they did eventually uh pull a accutane though it's still available through generic manufacturers all right i'll take suicidal thoughts and thin fingernails i'm having suicidal thoughts because i have bad skin oh god so what should this person do bring it up as if it's a new problem for her? That's what I would do. You treat it like you should have from the beginning.

You should have said something right away if it was bothering you and you guys are friends. Yeah, but don't sit her down and make a big deal out of it. I think that's where... That's the danger zone. It's weird. You're like, hey, look, this is an intervention for your stench.

Right. An interstention. Yeah, a stench-ervention. Yeah, that's good. That's really good, actually. Thank you. I'm getting pretty good at this whole advice thing, huh? After a year, we're not actually half bad anymore.

Oh, my God. We're now half good, which is the same amount of bad and good. We're just more optimistic about it. We're a little confident. So, yeah, thanks so much for listening, guys. And thanks. If you've listened to every episode, maybe we should send them like... Money.

Yeah, like 25 bucks cash. That's cool. We have advertisers. We can afford it. Thanks for listening to this episode and any episode you've ever listened to. We appreciate it. Yeah, traffic is still going going up i remember the first week we were like that's what we should have been doing this should have been like a appreciation yeah we should we should have been telling stories from the very the very first podcast well i remember the very

first podcast came out and i uh told um my then girlfriend you know can we just talk about her for a second? I remember telling her, I was like, I really hope that it just breaks 20,000 listeners the first week. Like, I don't know where I got that number, but I was like, 20,000 in a week would be really cool. And it eventually broke 20,000

within the first couple days. And by the end of the first week, it had like 25,000. I was like, all right, this is huge. This is cool. And we were climbing the iTunes charts. and by the end of the first week it had like 25 000 i was like all right this is huge this is cool and like we were like climbing the itunes charts and now our episodes get 25 000 listens within the first day that's fucking dope so that means next year we'll be getting 50 000 a day and the year after that it'll double again and the year after that again this is us holding a gun to a fan you hear See, you better start

spreading the word, see? Plugging his nose, trying to dump Accutane in his mouth. Oh, yeah. So, thanks guys. Thank you. That email address, again, is ifireyoushow at gmail.com if you have your own questions. We are still opening and closing every single episode

with new theme song submissions. The first one was from someone named Ethan Ruby. This last one is from somebody named Jack. Todah, Jack. Todah, Jack, and todah, you guys. We'll be back next week. Peace. Jake and Amir are really nice.

They're gonna give you free advice. Jake's gonna tell you to swipe right. Amir's gonna do some math all night Jake and Amir will tell you what to do If they were you, they'd tell you what to do If I were you