The Adam Friedland Show (Cumtown) - 48

very nice my friend very nice okay let's get it who let's get it going here fellas big news week this week if you haven't been paying attention uh north korea uh ran probably you know uh africa big africa news oh yeah dude um crazy coat de voie yeah coat de voie coat de voie uh obon pan uh yep uh all the african countries hagan daz uh onyans spencer's gifts um all of these places we got there's big news going on i i wait they should give me a riley's slot you could you could do it it's about to be big i feel like i'm qualified from like a problematic standpoint 100 percent you know you're is he a better troll than you is the real question um no he's a more successful troll for sure i wouldn't say he's a troll yeah

he's always no he's like he's not one of those guys it's like he's just doing it to piss people off he sort of is no he's just a big fucking giant irish piece of shit from long island i'll give you the last word it's like he's always claiming he's giving you the fucking last word you never get the fucking last word he gives you the last word after he yells at you for fucking an hour straight and then you're like well bill i just don't see it all right thank you very much that was the last word at this you had the last word and you blew it now for my last word faggot the o'reilly fat fagtor oh jesus i can't i can't figure out how to turn the tv on i'm trying to i'm trying to you know put it on mute in the background like a real news room oh okay i have

the news going yeah something bad in the war room yeah uh like where they shot osama we're solemnly watching why is that room so damn tiny yeah you think they get bigger enough seats yeah people are like everybody crammed into the war room it's like shouldn't they plan on those dudes needing chairs yeah yeah half the people in there i mean they had like it's like the the fanciest army guys they have all the jewels that's true it's the most bejeweled army man they need to be in that room that's true they should have a throne of some sort what if the other side of it is a bunch of fucking fancy shit where it's a huge room that's all they show us that would be very funny that'd be a very good physical bit yeah for the white house the camera turns around and just

hillary's like laying on a big fucking pile of gold coins and rubies and shit yeah skulls of dead fucking yeah it's in a white house right i guess most of the rooms in the white house are just for tours oh yeah yeah use them there's like an office in the west wind didn't england like fucked us up in the war of 1812 yeah yeah yeah the white house wasn't finished being rebuilt until like 1978 they just left it all fucked up it was burned wait no hold on that's the hollywood sign yeah i think you're which is the real hollywood i mean the real white house yeah ask me oh that's where the power is in the hollywood sign yeah is that where does someone live in the night he hangs out yeah mickey maus wall disney fucking arie steinstein

ira show business bird yeah you know what we're talking about you know we're getting out with this one although those two guys in wall disney seem like they wouldn't get along too well um yeah i don't know everybody says wall disney hated jews oh you did yeah i thought there was no actual evidence of that and why would he why would he create the character scrooge mcduck i don't know it was in the newsletter he hates jews the banned system of it down hates you i'm tired i'm no i'm tired we were surge we were taught that surgey or whatever i don't know if i don't know if they actually i don't think you saw what did what did wall disney actually say or do what did he actually say he seemed like a nice man that just wanted to

fuck kids he what he hit nazi scientists so did the united states governor in fact checker amber we hit them in the movie october sky yeah as heroes movies though yeah well the nerve on brawn yeah yeah um what do you do with your thigh there dude uh look at that yeah look at milky harry thine i'm just rubbing the gay the gay guys that watch the listen to the show and just want to fuck you would go crazy for this view right now yeah oh a little boxer what do you wear what kind of boxes you know for the people i wear a compression indeed his compression oh shit you hear that voice oh yeah he's gonna stay tight at all moments oh he's you know i don't know you never know where you're gonna have to be an athlete when it keeps it tight that would compress your balls

if would you sell your underwear some weird guy who wants to sniff it and beat off i mean i already sell my racism so i don't fuck not i feel like if anyone wants to buy our underwear first to sell undies easy quit out of us i sell them right now yeah well yeah we said that for sovies golden angels we're at the one hundred dollar level oh yeah i would give you get a pair of game worn game one broadcast one new york city mta subway uh summer undies from stuff i'm gonna go jogging after a long night i'm gonna take a bike ride oh yeah so local news is covering uh i guess uh steve steve has been found dead and i guarantee you this is a police cover up they shot they shot him wouldn't they just take credit for shooting him no they refuse to give him a fair trial

and they're making it look like a suicide interesting steve steve steve cover up on good old steve steve this is like your info warris like type turn for that yeah there are already people that are like steve steve truthers really yeah the guy literally videotaped himself shooting a guy on facebook live you can't even like edit it i sometimes crisis actor i sometimes look at the government put out a craigslist ad that said we just want somebody to participate we're gonna stage a video and you know it was supposed to be like a horror movie or something and uh and uh uh you know so he did it he's trying to get his acting career off the ground so he made the three videos and then the police department the cleveland police department released the videos you know and then

they planted the car wow and it's to distract people from russia uh yeah from russia yeah russia it's would be hacking the election i love i'm serious on they're just showing the video i didn't click on it what the fuck i don't want to know that's the guy that died zuckerberg i'm gonna kill zuckerberg next well they didn't show the whole video dude that sucked i don't want to know that that's the guy that's who he killed that cute old man he's an old guy yeah oh my god i'm sad now i'm really bummed um dude i i used to click on every like death and execution video until i saw that isis video well that's uh people are saying to it people are saying that steve steve is a distraction because world war three is about to start and it's like who's gonna be

this is like there was a guy during world war two that was like what the fuck is going on i'm still catching up on all this walt disney is a nazi i had no idea we were the entire world was at war again yeah some irish punched the old lady and uh i've been fucking reading that news article i believe there's some guy on the radio talk about it thirties steve steve yeah daniel danielson um what are they what are their names like back then ebonyzer yeah chip they also either they went real nice and old or shit like skip skippy yeah skip chip that guy we've talked about crackle steaks yeah chink steaks and philly they're probably guys named every there's probably dago jimmy yeah what's happening in fresno there's a shooting spree according to the oh man cbs news

shooting spree it looks like we have a steve steven's copycat killer that'd be a fun that because the fresno police department have k's on their collars uh it looked like the fucking that guy had k's well yeah for every strikeout he gets a k yeah look like they have kk like triple k's uh kori auli mohammed how african americans became christians oh so he's a hotep guy that's going on a shit is that a ring though that's a tight ring oh no there's stars yeah they don't have k's um we i feel like we should turn the television off yeah oh that guy is very smooth for an old man yeah we probably should oh look at this motherfucker this john blacks oh man this is terrible this is bad podcasting the local news guys this will sync up really well to the local news on

april what is it 17 i like there there's like one of the one of the local news places looks like it was named by like a chinese immigrant they have like ads on the buses and it's like new york number one good morning yeah and it's like yeah you know it's kind of shitty news but they got good dumplings oh fuck i do want some damn dumplings yeah i haven't had well i actually that's not true i've had dumplings twice in the last three days really yeah where uh well i had gyoza which is just those are dumps yeah gyoza um and then i had uh dumplings dumped steamed dumplings from that caribbean place that also has chinese food that oh yeah yeah in your neighborhood it's the best chinese food in the neighborhood yeah but that's who cares i mean me when i'm trying to

order chinese food there's like a uh there's a place in dc that used to be like the fried chicken chinese food subs that place yams i love that shit dude yeah that would just be liquid out of your ass oh 100 yeah but chinese food wings are some of the best wings the best the best chinese restaurant is chinese food in baltimore yeah i remember on green mount there's a there's a building no it's still functional it's a bit really yeah i would drive past there at night and there would be like this eerie yellow glow coming out of the windows and it's this dilapidated piece of shit building that's got to be a hundred years old that they've never done any maintenance on i mean it looks like danzig's house actually yeah yeah and uh spooky yeah that's where danzig eats this is just uh some

of the food i eat this is actually uh this is a meal that werewolves would eat which are real by the way i'm 53 years old he's older than that now dude he's like he's got to be in the 60s yet yeah something like that but that chinese joint is literally just a piece of plywood he's a plywood with painted white and then red stencils it just says chinese food with no space in between like dude there are parts of baltimore that are just it's a third world kind like that's a step up like there's a restaurant in syria that's like uh right for example right now literally a block away from john's office yeah which is where chinese food is yeah wow yeah dude is the food good it's great dude yeah the best moogoo guy pan i fuck with the moogoo guy pan i only get jenny sose i only

get fucking i like i like it when you order it and then they bring it to you and the waiter goes yeah uh genitos chicken and it sounds like genitals chicken uh gen genitos chicken oh yeah that's me that's pretty good i want the dick and balls um uh yeah no i i i do general sows i do sesame that's just general sows dude it's just yeah very similar but there's sesame seeds on top i want to i want to some piece of shit place on the lower east side and i got uh sesame chicken and the guy's like fucking packing it up the cashier and then like uh you know it's very quick you know it's like a new york restaurant everything's going fast and the guy like takes the box of the prepared meal with the rice and then you know broccoli and it opens it in front of me

and then next to the cash register is like like a change cup filled with sesame seeds makes the paper clips and that's how they make the sesame chicken like bad ass yeah new york chinese food like the takeout is some of the worst on fucking earth yeah but you did there are like some gems yeah but no i mean of course yeah but it's new york by and large the like takeout just it is really bad for the most part but the good authentic should i go in there dude i guess some fucking some fucking flushing some some soup dumplings the best places suck those off like they're like a fucking steamy little ball sack those are delicious you bite it and then just through the top yeah i love that i love getting top when you blow into it because it's so steamy

and hot you know they make that it's a gel the soup part is a gel and they warm it up and then when they steam it it liquefies dude science you hear that guys science i thought they froze it and then you just wrap the frozen ball and dough and then you boil it no i think it's like a gelatin then when they steam it whatever perhaps the best uh my favorite place is uh on mot that place what's it called woe hop where they don't even fuck around with chopsticks you just get a fucking fork oh hell yeah yeah it's it's all about shoveling woe hop woe hop 24 hours i go to woe hop tonight at midnight yeah it is 24 hours do a light but you fuck around and go to the upstairs woe hop the downstairs both downstairs is better it's the same exact i think they're different restaurants

they're different floors literally kitchen i'm telling you the same exact downstairs woe hop is better than upstairs it's fucking retarded that's the most bullshit hipster take it's not hipster you think it's a different what do you think is the difference it's the difference is downstairs i've seen it where there's a line for the downstairs and there's because people are stupid like you no that's fucking idiots like you because they're two different restaurants from the same name gentlemen like me and nick would be going upstairs they got nicer seats upstairs the downstairs one has the pictures of the celebrities all over the world yeah so you claim that there's a ret there's two restaurants and woe hop table he wants to fucking sit next to the picture of bruce willis

i just would eat off i want to eat the same place we're here in the blue fish i yeah i mean what was i going to say that guy gets fucking mad he's like oh i'm not my name is in hoody dairy trucker yeah he gets mad that people call hoody yeah i was like yo i'm not hoody well don't call your band yeah that's entirely your fault he's clear he's the front something else i could call you you know what uh dareus yeah yeah i think you'd actually prefer that i guess i could call him that if i really oh i thought it's something else oh did you what is it what's the rucker i used to work with a guy that would be respectful respect i work with a dominican black guy named dareus areas yes yeah hell yeah for good names wait on the truck no when i was a teenager

oh i didn't even know dominicans before i moved to new york really yeah there were only like mexico like mexican people in the west like west right right right then in dc it was salvatoreans salvatoreans yeah baltimore had a strange mix of all of everything but up here it's like there are a ton of dominicans and americans yeah there are these dominican like they moved here to be the to be on the jankies yeah those jankies vamos los jankies they all they all falsified their birth certificate his janky stadium he leaves by the janky stadium in the wrong every yeah they're all they all look like they're 47 years old but they were born in 1996 yeah that's true what was the picture that kid that was in the little league team that was like that was like 19 yeah yeah fuck what was

you like had a kid he was just like destroying all the little babies daniel montaig that's right yeah that was like facial hair and shit i love that shit they're like this little league world series feed up daniel montaig yeah it's awesome this is literally there's also on the box right now 10 years ago that guy thon maker they say he's 19 the guy's clearly like 20 of the Somalian guy yeah he's dark as hell they have like is he Somalian or he's from Sudan all over the place yeah sudan he grew up in australia whatever whatever but there's like videos of him like when they were faking when they're pretending he was 16 and he's clearly 19 and he's just like playing high school basketball on like four foot white children yeah but his body was fucked up

weird he was like seven two anyway like 150 pounds he's always been huge yeah i love that shit dude i love just fucking fake children athletes it's so fucking good that's the best hollywood's kind of the opposite they get they get adults that have like the andy millenakis disease oh yeah those guys blow up his child stars yeah that was andy millenakis has he done anything hang out with brandon he's got a really big steam what's it not steam what's the thing we're twitch twitch twitch yeah he's out now i thought he'd be off on twitch no brandon told me that he hung out with andy millenakis and he was like dude he was like online the whole time like it was impossible to hang out with him i was like oh wow are you fucking kidding me that was annoying wow wow um it's like brandon's never

looked in a front-facing camera so so twitch you play video games you don't beat off but don't cam girls do twitch too yeah like hot girls will play call dude i don't think i don't think you're allowed to jack off on twitch wow i think they'll ban you that's fucking bullshit dude i know my next like civil rights project you can have like almost areola showing hmm have you seen that shit where women will get like their nipples surgically modified to look like i saw one point so they're like tattooed yeah hearts or what stars yeah it was crazy i was into it just as a beat-off exercise i love this but i like your phone smells like urine i don't know it's probably the cat pistol yeah there's cat hair everywhere by the way yeah no this shit is a fucking mess dude and i'm looking fresh i'm i got a spot

i want to go get my dick sucked you know yeah i probably won't i'm never you're probably like sen urness's shit the locks of love or company that makes like sweaters for homeless people absolutely yeah there's so much hair on this fucking thing it's unbelievable looks like my father's pubes actually just a gray mound does your dad's pubes look like they i don't know what they look like but they taste really good thank you but they taste like cinnamon Greek Christmas instead of Santa Claus it's just a a giant old crotch it's like you sit on a lap and there's a huge old penis covered in gray pubes and you know hug it you suck it yeah and then the presents come out all over your face that was a dick yeah wow that would that would

was there like a father christmas in greek yes ours is um saint uh saint n- wait no Nicholas yeah no no i was vasiles it's saint basil and what's he what's his deal he just similar shit but he comes on new years i don't know why christmas ain't shitting for greek people it's always new years um his deal was very similar i don't know there's no i don't know why some people chose nicholas and some chose fucking saint basil i think other cultures all have the same version of that we got honika harry he's a that's that's uh comes around and uh slides a check for 18 dollars under your pillow isn't that what is that john love it isn't that a john love it sketch honika harry maybe okay because it's a literative yeah how about honika harry read

that's a snl here i come really bald when we'll be stealing that impression from you soon i met harry read a couple times growing up i met harry read a couple times yeah grow i grew up i went to his office to lobby for israel to lobby for israel to live by the way that is not a joke he lit at him literally gave us like a series of talking points and he like obviously left a meeting to go meet the jews the jewish children well he's like his wife is was jewish but he got her to convert to mormonism and my parents were not happy about it he was jewish and then he no he's mormon lying about it he's mormon story no he's mormon uh so more storefront news he actually has a really uh cool backstory what is it he was he grew up in this small middle of nowhere town called search

light in nevada and his mom like made beds or something yep and he was a boxer he was a golden gloves boxer his mom yours mine yes you know why at home like if you know why why do you think they might have gotten messy why are they keeping it for sleeping in no what do you gotta guess visitors maybe two of your friends what your mom's job is what's your job she's to make beds after two of your best friends visited her yeah for cash she paid us by the way she pays us but it's still her job why it's like a comedy festival your mom's like that she's like a spiring comedian and prostitutes she's really trying to get south by south by four guys listen i'm not one of those guys that's my my suck suck by suck fuck that's out by all four i'm not one of those guys that's

like don't fuck my mom i'm so tired suck by fuck breasts fuck doesn't start with an s shut up so it's like sex crossed by sex breast it's like and the woman like moto cross and then in three percent parentheses and then the woman is adam's mom sex with some woman listen i'm not one of those guys it's like don't fuck my mom like you guys are my friends i'd be happy we were just telling you anyway i'm not friends with bad people so anyway finish your story about harry's mom oh no so we went to harry's office search light never like we're telling a different story oh no he was a golden gloves boxer and then he like she would you say from nothing and then he got a law degree you say he would beat stuff up he would beat up uh mexican you know what else you know

what gets beat up a lot what a certain mom's pussy hit him with the left anyway the right um and then what else happened in harry's life well one time i mean my friend tommy and alex your mom a pregnancy test after every day of work my mom can't get pregnant she's too old to the harry part is her pussy anyway um who cares about that gay ass story yeah who cares dude i was search lighting for a punchline while you were telling that story well i wasn't i was trying to tell the story of going to his office whatever man sounds gay you know what they need a search light for find your dick man oh flipped it on him he got a little ass dick my man so small that you don't want to see why would they use a search light like they're like helicopters

fly around my house try to find your dick there's like blood house there's like a bunch of guys uh please stay in your vehicle we're looking for a very small dick stay in your homes there's a very small dick somewhere around here we're gonna we're gonna find it so don't just chill out don't worry the niggas and whores it belongs to someone named adam freeland as soon as small dick we're looking for from this hella the series of helicopters that's so funny those chopper pilots were in vietnam oh yeah so talented yeah that the trans one the trans one from oj yeah i watched uh black hawk down again recently well good flick so you're you're a good friend

tom sizemores and then yeah he don't follow me though what ever everyone is in that movie air i know jerry pivots william fichner everyone yeah uh jack nicholson whoopie goldberg yeah whoopie goldberg um robert williams laurence olivier yeah uh i'm in it i'm in the movie you were in it i was in black hawk down were you one of the samollis no it's a deleted scene where i fuck your mom in black while the helicopter while the black hawk is looking for your dick oh wow that really brought that whole thing yeah it did hey sorry that some of us are trying to have a good fucking show here i'm you're all bummed out about your mom being uh you know a horror or whatever and i'm doing good as helicopter this is a really good memorial we got we got

stave on the michael windslow ones and twos michael windslow is that's the beauty of black autism oh yeah he's number one black autism i'm just the only guy i would ever go pay to see have you seen him do the shows with erwin have you seen him do the whole beginning of star wars yeah yeah i've seen oh god virtue oh so he can't do voices he can only do sounds yeah it's crazy he can't do impressions impressions that's incredible yeah wow michael windslow he's probably still alive opening doors closing them yeah you know what's funny to find out is that uh carl windslow is gay reginald vel johnson yeah he's gay yeah you can have vel in your name without being gay yeah yeah he also looks so gay yeah like when you think about stave like he's gay

and uh how much would it cost to get your name legally changed to stavros vel hock is um i don't know luther was gay too do you want to do it um we should all can we should we all change our names legally to that would be good adam vell if we hit 20 thousand dollars a month we will all legally change our names wait was it vel johnson one word or hyphenator it was like del but then val yeah like of the which is so fun dude it's like 20 g's a month i am stavros vel hock is i promise i'll change at at 20 g's in the patreon yeah that's chill hell yeah stavros vel hock is dude i've disappointed my parents enough i might as well fuck up their last name oh well it's not the last name it's the middle name oh give myself a new middle i have a shitty

middle what's your middle name dean oh yeah adam dean freeland doesn't sound good at all it sounds like a bad porn star adam dean freeland uh he's named after the guy that would uh come visit his mom james dean james james yeah yeah he was the leader of the pack he used to come around from no dean the the porn star the fucked uh oh the rapist yes or they were he beat women or something yeah he did there those he like beat or he raped uh oh damn sasha no not sasha great the other one starla from little rascals darla from darla he raped darla from the little rascals he did yeah what about the dog with a little thing on his eye sir he got the thing on his eye my dog look that's my dog he had mushrooms stamped by james dean the other kid uh alfalfa that's cum he is

yeah i'm sure no one's made that joke before no definitely we have to stay in the safe zone of original content which is threatening to fuck adam's mom i don't know if that's a rid it is original who are we stealing it from most of the people on the bus did louis did tignataro already do a sketch about did you see that story that she hates louis louis stole my clown birthday sketch it's like you're both 60 years old no no i thought she got mad stupid fight yeah about a crown birthday sketch no he's an ep on the show what's that he's an ep on her show and she hired all her friends to write for me yeah i know i i know the story yeah i don't care is my point it's who gives you shit what niggas saying is that clown sketches are gay

yeah is that your stance what is it about a clout he how did he steal the the joke is like what of an adult got a clown for themselves because they were depressed okay and uh and that's like the same sketch he didn't stand up no he did it on s and l oh so she's mad at him oh who cares we should do a sketch he fucking put out her album that made her like super famous oh nice yeah this is a good so she owes him every she owes him a flat man in in a lot of ways she did order a clown for herself and that clown's name was louis ck wow and he changed her life he said you know what you might have breast cancer but uh there's still a life to live he changed everything for she's very funny and then and then i like to like he stole her clown

birthday sketch i mean yeah i don't know what happened if you've stolen it's fucked up is my did you watch the new louis i watched it i liked it a lot i liked it a lot yeah it was really good it was pretty dark it's pretty cool yeah yeah big fan that's our review guys that's our review also um we're taking shots at the top comedians other media to review what else what else we should do a segment where we recommend great media there's no time when we like have to gang record all these episodes there's no time to do anything in the in between that's true i watched it literally since the last time we recorded i watched four and a half minutes of indiana jones i ate an entire box of cereal and that's it that's what kind of cereal special k oh fuck that dude i like it actually it's good

the kind of no strawberries no the strawberry one okay i'm with the freeze dried strawberries yeah astronaut strawberries yeah they never they never had that huh you know what uh astronauts do is a what do they fly to the Hubble telescope you can use it to find your dick if i do it they take a plane oh fuck oh god i'm so i love this i love that we're all in on this even me here's what else okay um hmm here's what i was thinking guys yeah uh we should start pandering more to our british and australian fans there are a lot of my australians that like come town so what's what's the most popular australian shit uh saying good day might vegemite yeah vegemite australian shit i want to

look at vegemite how about vegemate like that's what you're wearing very very small shorts they love that yeah yeah um the cowboy hat that's fucked up on one side they love that accidentally say come town on tv recently i don't know i think so yes someone tweeted that at us or something i'm i'm googling things australians like right now this is a good yeah yeah keep that let's let's do this and then we're gonna pander to them things aussies like a list a list of the things okay this is some bitch named amy who's australian uh huh oh fuck there's so much text their their grandparents were uh criminals and whores you know the story about backstake house yeah yeah they're from tampa you've said this seven times maybe ten times on the right yeah they've got a

picture of george eating um a snickers bar with the fork from that episode of seinfeld that's something that they like it looks like that's what australians like but do they like seinfeld down there yeah it's fucking hilarious yeah but yeah crime i he's uses good words every australian i really relate to crime i every every australian i know like always comes to america and they're like we call them abos oh shit isn't that their n word yeah that's why they like that's why they like kramer okay it's just a weird oh stop stop your shit is that stop i gotta say listen i don't like the farting but your farts have gotten better i'm yeah yeah they're healthier farts well his asshole is much looser than i've been eating well a lot of him's been he's been having sex with

men australians always always uh ask for for kike can i have a cake uh we can't find any can i have a cake how about a character uh it's it's bugs bonnie but his middle name is uh chasin chasin that's his first name bugs bugs chasin so it's bugs bunny but he's like yeah what's up doc can i um do you have hiv you have unprotected sex that's the job that's really good that's pretty funny i'm pitching that to six flags when they when they lose their deal with warner brothers and they need to rebrand all those characters bugs chasing bunny daffy uh that um daffy cock daffy dick daffy cock jesus christ what happened daffy digs not bad guys oh i know they did have they did oh adam would bring in heat thank you

here wow that was so fun it was fun i'm telling you that was so fun this show is so good we're really we've reached the peak of fucking podcasting dude why about this no no this is a real thing i saw at six bags the transmanian devil oh yeah yeah yeah i posted a picture on yeah yeah i saw it was cool okay here's a list of things australians don't like okay let's go kiwis uh fuck them they don't like oh guess what guys we don't like them either um oh they mean we're from from regular zealot you're like yeah fuck fruits and vegetables they steak and blue kangaroo steak yeah they don't have cows over there it's our kangaroo roasters over there someone told me australian for b apparently they have heaps of molly though

they have a lot of molly yeah because we're close to thailand we get all the molly coming over from thailand you can make it anywhere it's it's like apparently you get great molly in thailand here's another thing they don't like you can't find cake here's nothing that's why when we're in new york we say is you have any cake they don't have coke in australia you can't find you got a cool like seven eight guys this is like one australian guy you met that's a drug addict no well i i knew so i know i know what they love a bunch of australians what isn't that where they're from that's they're from australia tea and tea oh they love you know what they like abba don't they love abba uh that that's not from australia yeah no but that movie it's abos dude that movie mama mia is

australian but it's all the here we go again it's all the mama mia is the broadway play on super mario with a woman yeah mario is you know he's he's just trying to sing and dance and then wario shows up and he's like rapping about what it's like to be a a banker or something what else is australian the bg's are australian i don't know i tried i tried to like i i honestly cannot tell you more than one i have no idea what happens in any musical okay yeah you do you like musicals low-key no i don't oklahoma dude sounded music you rift on about the birthday party my dick is alive with the smell of policy oh yeah dude yeah i would fuck uh my name is julien no but the character's name i don't know man sound maria maria that's it how do you solve

she reminds me of uh west side story oh yeah there's a maria maria yeah hell yeah dude now that's a good jam uh the carlo santana yeah yeah well who are those two black guys no one remembers in santana yeah it's a single no no it's all features dude wow because he had rob thomas on a track smooth number one song of all time everyone knows that that for real that's the that's the song we should have sent to space smooth smooth what song did we send to space something fucking gay probably something from the 60s probably right isn't that when they sent it the beetles or some gay shit like frank sinatra maybe actually maybe not we shouldn't let the italians control that satellite um let you know what i'm the producer i'm fact checking this one record we sent into space

anytime like a vinyl yeah anytime we have to google stuff on this show really comes to a screeching hall no keep it going you boys well okay so what other what are some other ones maybe that we could have sent um we could have sent the song do host romstein what the fuck yeah it's do you don't remember do host no do do host do host niks and do host niks you know don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't don't yeah that's like that was to industrial like popped up out of obscurity for like two hot years yeah yeah when orgy was was hot or Marilyn manston came out of that very manston nineish nails kmfdm what's kmfdm no shitty industrial top fuck mother's dick thanks it's uh Listen to this gay shit, Adam's mom

New band called Adam a.m. F dms Adam a n a l Adam's cousin AC-DC stands for Adams Adams cocked to sucking come on Ah, he's gay. He's eating up. He's eating up. He's trance. He's trance Boom shaka-laka They're taking our penis off NBA Jam folks

That's a classic Super nintendo. Mm-hmm. You play as Bill Clinton for real. Yeah, you know that there's that like code if you beat it Bill Clinton Al Gore. Yeah, if you put your initials in in a certain way, you could play as Bill Clinton Al Gore Wow, dude. Yeah, it's so good if you fucking yeah Eating up that was a good-ass game. Yeah, I used to fuck with that Fucking camp on that Camp in pain. Boom shaka-laka. You're in space, by the way. Bach, suck me off. Mozart, Beethoven. I just have the idea of aliens being like, what the fuck is this?

Yeah, this is gay shit. Gay shit I've never heard, dude. Yo, let's invade this planet. That should be the background. That should be like the the origin story for every like for Independence Day. They should make like an Independence Day 3 that's a prequel and the aliens are like, this is the this is the lamest shit I've ever heard. Yeah, this music sucks. And then the aliens are like steaming towards Earth and it's like, do us! And they're industrial, industrial fans. Also someone named Blind Willy Johnson, Guan Pingu. I don't know what the fuck that is. Guan Pingu? Yeah, sure, by Johnny Folk Music by Humbo Player. Dude, no one on Earth knows what the fuck that is. Why would you confuse aliens? They should have sent fucking smooth, dude, you're right.

They had, but they did have, I will give them, they had some Bulgarian Folk Music, but they also had Johnny B. Good. Oh, recently deceased. By the piss, yeah, piss boy. Piss watcher Chuck Berry. Chuck Berry. Yeah. Who learned everything he knows from Michael J. Fox. Wow, no fucking Italians. It's crazy, you know? Lot of blacks. You know? Azure by Johnny's, the fuck is that shit? It's like an Iranian Russians. It's like a weird country.

Some flute player from, yeah, this shit sucks. I mean, who the fuck knows what that is? Why would you say this is like the best example of what's going on on Earth? It should just be pornography. Just the biggest, juiciest titties think it's fine. Yeah, why the fuck not? It doesn't matter. You think aliens are going to have any understanding of culture or fucking? Yeah, dude, they should have just sent Lisa Ann up there, dude.

But would they even know what to do? Like if they saw titties, would they get hard? What? Would aliens get hard if they saw titties? Of course they would, dude. It's a given that they have dicks. Of course they would. Or whatever, you know, would their alien pussies get wet or their whatever holes or, you know, their fucking ear. They have like a big alien mouth and then a small alien mouth that comes out. You know, they're like a snake.

Do they have a special mouth for eating pussy? Well, that's, have you seen the film Alien? I actually haven't. That's how, I literally haven't seen Alien. There's this new alien coming out with Danny McBride, do you see that? That looks horrible. That room is where we got all the fucked up Ripley's. It's because the alien ate her pussy.

And that's why she got, that's from Aliens 3. Oh, shit. Oh, yeah. You remember that one? I think so. Like a botched Ripley clones. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, actually that might be resurrection.

No, resurrection is the prison one, right? I don't remember. What do they make? I mix up all the sequels. Isn't there one where there's like a jacked alien? Is that what Prometheus is? Yeah, Prometheus is. Well, that's not a jacked alien.

Predator is jacked. Predator is like a dude that has dreads sort of, but it's an alien. Yeah, Predator is just a Caribbean guy. Did you see Aliens versus Predator? No. That kind of ruled, actually. I haven't seen Predator. I mean, the only good one is the, is the fuck, is Aliens.

The first one. No, the fucking, the James Cameron one, Aliens. Was that the second one? The second one, yeah. I gotta watch that shit, dude. Guys, we can watch it tonight. Once we're done with our job. Yeah.

Once we're finished. Once we clock out. We're working for the day. Oh, that was good. God damn. A long fucking day. Fuck it. At work, having sex with Adam's mom.

For cold hard cash. How much does she give you? $4,000. $4,000? All her bar mitzvah money? What? Yeah. I straight up think my parents stole my bar mitzvah money.

I fucking, I never saw any of that shit. I feel like every Jewish person I know says their parents stole their bar mitzvah money. They stole that shit. I hear that a lot. People gave me those gifts and I haven't seen the shit from it. Have you ever considered it? Will it be a cost money to do your bar mitzvah? You ungrateful piece of shit.

They didn't even do a cool one, dude. You didn't have a themed one? No, I didn't have like a tight theme, dancing, DJ one. Everyone had like different, everyone had like, I think I went to one that was like... Dude, my friend had the best theme ever. You wanna know what the theme was? It was WWE. Hot Sauce.

Not being Jewish. Was it a church? Converting the Christianity. It was a confirmation. Ari's theme was Hot Sauce. Oh, it was Ari? Yeah, yeah. That's a cool guy.

Yeah, he's a cool guy. Did your parents also steal Ari's bar mitzvah money? Maybe. Your mom's like, Adam, I have to have sex with your friends. I need all this money. Yeah, you won't meet for nearly 10 years. Yeah. Well, she makes us hang out with you.

Yeah, actually, that's how we met you. You feel bad for her. She was like, please, our son sucks at comedy. A lot of people were wondering what's keeping me on the pod. I guess it's my mom's who's constantly... She has to wear diapers now because we blew her ass out so bad. And we were like, you know, I'm sorry. Is there any way we can make it up to you?

And she's like, you can hang out with my son. He's being harassed by helicopters. Search party. So we killed the helicopter pilots and then we started doing comedy because that's what you were doing. Hell yeah. I would love to kill a helicopter pilot. Woo! How we doing?

How we doing on time, dude? I think we're doing good. We need one good 15-minute rift. And we can't go back to the fucking Adam's mom well, I think. That is like a fucking just throwing a life preserver off the boat. Over Adam's mom's pussy, just reeling Adam's mom's pussy onto the boat. Thank God we almost lost this one. Just for free, dude.

Just for free. One for the, you know. Well done. It's gonna be so funny when you get like colon cancer. It's the fucking Mike elements. For whom the ass tolls. For whom the dick sucks. Fuck yeah, dude.

Don't ever disrespect Metallica. My favorite album of all time, some kind of monster. Dude, my favorite movie of all time, some kind of monster. That shit rules. Oh wait, I'm sorry. St. Anger. I meant St. Anger. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah.

The documentary is called some kind of monster. Yeah. Yo, that shit is so funny. We probably talked about it. I haven't seen it. But I told you, I saw it in a bar with the sound off. Oh, that's right. So I just saw the scene where he's like describing something and he's looking inspired and then

it's him just performing for white supremacists. Oh, in a prison. Yeah, they do in San Quintan or something. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm like Kirk Hammett though, he's gay and some kind of Mexican. No, Kirk is like, Kirk is like the most zen doubt out of all of them. Yeah. He's very talented too.

Yeah, he's super talented. He just has a ranch like in Northern California and just rides horses with beautiful flowers. Lars is the one that really sucks. Lars sucks dick. He's like a rich kid too. You know what got fucked? Dave Mustaine, dude. He was in that band.

Poor dude. Yeah. Make it deaf. Make it deaf. Make it deaf. Make it deaf. So, it's some kind of monster where Dave Mustaine, so they were doing group therapy the whole time.

They're making this album and then this like therapist guy that they probably made millions of dollars off of just like being paid like... Imagine being like a fucking stupid... Like a Dave Ray therapist. Make it deaf and Metallica specifically is like everyone just pretends to be into them. Like everyone wears the shirts now. I feel like a constant... Oh, that's an LA thing.

That's a LA thing. No, it's here too. No, no. I constantly see make it deaf and Metallica. in LA, like, there are all those boutiques on Melrose that, like, sell, like, old, crusty, like, Harley Davidson or Megadeth t-shirts that, like, definitely, like, a fucking crankhead used to own. That happened a lot.

And they sell for, like, $300. That started happening in high school, like, in Baltimore, a lot of, like... But Megadeth sucks. No, they don't suck. Dude, so they brought Dave Boussain back to dude group therapy with them, and the dude is so fucked up over the fact that he got kicked out of Metallica. They said that he sold 16 million records since getting kicked out of Metallica, and he feels like an absolute failure.

He's like, dude, I was gonna kill myself. Imagine the gay-ass podcast you would start if we kicked you off Come Town. Well, it would be... I would just be on Choppo 2. Just a much shittier gay version of Choppo. You would be on the Hellbent podcast. Yeah. You would text your girl, Sarah, again.

You'd be like, sorry for I believed. Well, I read some of the episode descriptions of that show, and it's like, yeah, on this one, we call Paul Ryan a total dick-munching trash bag, and then guess what? We say that Mitch McConnell is a fucking literal human garbage, and then to top it off, it's like there's listing, like... Their thing that gives them edge in their description of their podcast is that they use bad words. Yeah.

They think that that makes them... Would be great. Would be great to actually listen to that podcast. Step it up to slurs, bitch. It'd be great. It'd be great. It'd be funny. We actually listen to that podcast, and the girl is like, yeah, I sucked Sarah's dad's

dick. You moved his arm, Joe. Sarah's pussy's so big that the search liked to find it. Sarah's pussy's so fucking big that they had to spend their permits for money on pussy smallening surgery because of her big-ass pussy. You know, what if it was the best show of all time? Pussy and smallening surgery? Did you say it and smallening?

Pussy and smallening. That's what I think about my dad for so extra. Incredible. Yeah. Apparently, someone... So after I did a chop of someone DM me that they listened to it, and they said the podcast is they read the front page of HuffPo online. Dude, we literally started this podcast by watching the local news, and we didn't even

comment on it. I was like, oh, look at that guy. Joe Blackstone. That's funny. That's a weird name. Oh, we got a hotap guy in Fresno. Fresno. That's a weird name for a place.

Fresno. It's like Fress, but then no. Yeah, it's like fresh. So it contradicts itself. Yeah. Yeah. Fresh no. Fresh.

Is this place fresh? No. No, it's not. Oh. I'm gonna take that bit on a fucking road. Fresno, baby. Who's ready for some road-ass comedy? Tweet that, dude.

Boy, are my arms tired from beating my wife. And then beating off for her husband, her brother. Misdirection. Brother. You know who else? Misdirection. Misdirection. That's my wife's name, folks.

Her last name's Direction. Her name's Miss, because we're divorced now, and it kind of me beating her so much. Yeah, our family invented directing. Woo! A couple of, uh... You suck. Yeah. Hey, yeah, I do suck.

Your wife's fucking pussy, you piece of shit. Why don't you come up here and say that to my fucking face? And then just beat the shit out of you. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, what's that? Beat him with the mic stand. What's that useless skin? You think I won't?

You know how much this fucking mic stand bass weighs? I'll cave your fucking skull in with it. No, I only have to stand up here for 45 minutes. I can say whatever the fuck I want, and they still have to pay me. Have you seen that awesome video of the guy with the guitar that just smashed the guy with the head? What's that skin? That's how I handle hecklers.

Somebody says, uh, they say something like, um, oh, um, we only got, uh, uh, two drinks, but it looks like we were charged for three. I'm like, what the fuck are you talking about out there? You fucking cunt. Who the fuck is that? This is my time. Who the fuck is fucking? Don't ever ask questions or my shell.

This is fucking art. I'm the Bill Hicks of 2017, you fucking idiot. Now anyway, what would Bigfoot's cum taste like? It's so good he's dead, dude. Can you imagine how annoying Bill Hicks would be for Trump? I was just saying that the other day. Yeah. Because he started getting this dumb shit towards the end.

Started. Like Undertaker and stuff. Oh yeah. The last like year and a half of Bill Hicks is like, he's coming out on stage and like, like wrestling intros and shit. Really? Yeah. But the fuck, you know, like he's like in a silhouette and he's got the trench coat

on. I give a pass. He was dying, dude. He's probably going crazy. I think he got fashion cancer. Can you imagine how annoying he would have been for Trump? I would say probably pretty annoying. Yeah.

Yeah. I don't know if he would have been into Trump. I would imagine he would just. He would have been like against Trump, but it would have been pretty annoying. Yeah. Yeah. You know, thank God we still have Bill Moore. Yeah.

I don't think he would just. Bill's maybe. He would become irrelevant. He probably would have killed himself. Probably. You know? Yeah. Who knows?

Well, yeah. You know, that's my take. I wonder how much of his like, you know, his whole thing is kind of contingent on him dying. You know? Like Martin Luther King you're saying. No. No.

No, like James Dean, no, like people are not the one that fucked your mom. James Dean's a good. Yeah. People can't like. Dionysing him. Belushi's a good example. Yeah. But Belushi was hilarious.

Right. But he died. Yeah. But Bill Hicks isn't like. It's not like he's a shitty comic. He's a good comic. He was an age love. He probably just would have been Carlin, dude.

Like how Carlin just released specials that were just like, okay. You know, it's crazy. I had a couple good ones. But Carlin wasn't Carlin until he was older than Hicks was when he died. Oh, that's wild. Yeah. Didn't he have like a regular job? Hicks died when he was like 33.

Damn. Didn't Carlin work in like advertising or something? Oh, he was a very. He was a very clean. Carlin's like. Carlin's deals. Yeah. Yeah.

Carlin, he was just like a suit and tie, clean cuts. That's right. That's right. Like jokie comic. And then he owed a bunch of money to the IRS, I guess. So he had to continue releasing specials to like make the money to pay. But I think there was some kind of switch to that. I mean, he's talked about it.

Where he says naughty words. Yeah. Yeah. But I mean, something happened. I think he smoked weed or something. It was like, whoa. His hair grew real long immediately. Yeah.

And he started. Smoking weed. He started raw dogging. Instead of using condoms. Yeah. Is that from weed? Imagine like living pre-aids. Pre-aids.

Oh. 60s. Yeah. Yeah. Everyone was fucking and sucking. The worst thing that could happen is like your dick itches and you take some fucking antibiotics. Yeah.

You get pregnant and you get drafted and you get sent to Vietnam. That's kind of the worst thing that could happen. I'm heading straight to fucking Greece if that shit happens, dude. Draft? Oh yeah. You're too old. What is a draft? A draft is like up to 28 or something?

Yeah. You're not going to get drafted. I'm 28 right now. Morbidly obese. I'm poor after me. Take one look at this. Go home. You have horrible eyesight.

I have a military mind, dude. I have a strategic mind, brother. You have horrible eyesight. I have a military mind, dude. I have a strategic mind, brother. I have a strategic mind, brother. Yeah. You show me some guy to kick his ass.

We ran out of sandbags. We ran out of diabetic. Just sit on top of the hill. We need to fly in this hill. We have some fat guy jumping up and down on it for a while. No, they'd probably make you do like... Baby Baxaw Ridge is the name of the movie. It's a fat guy whose fingers are too large to fit through the trigger.

They're like, what, is he Mormon or something? No, they probably make you... They make you eat the candy. His fingers are too slippery from various sauces to fucking pull the trigger. They make you do like... Wait, you're Instagram... His gun is at M&M 16. There he is.

Not M&M 16. Did they give him? Yeah. That's good. That is good. Yeah. An ice cream cone strike. Is it a drone strike?

Oh, I see. I see. Yep. A getting dome strike. That's tight. That's my shit, dude. A robot sucks my dick. That's what I call it.

I'm going to put a pocket pussy on a robot, and I'm going to do it up and down. I'm going to call it getting dome-striked. Yeah. Doing a dome strike. That's a good one. Thank you. What are you going to do with the drone? How about a homoab instead of a moab?

The homoab. Homoab. Yeah. Like the gayest bomb ever. Yeah, the gayest bomb. The gayest bomb of all time. The GB-20. The gayest bomb of all time.

That's your boat shot. Spicer ever to come out. And it's going to be dropped. The GB-20. The gayest bomb. Oh, fuck. I think that's the only time I've, like, earnestly laughed at something on the pocket.

Yeah. And it might be the stupidest joke we've ever made. President Trump has authorized to show a force in Syria, and he has launched today the gayest bomb of all time. The GB-OT. Yo, I'm crying. I don't even, I don't even want to tag that. I think it's just the phrase,

gayest bomb of all time. You don't even need the acronym. Oh, fuck. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, that's the funniest shit I've heard in a month. Hell yeah, dude. Oh, I'm literally fucking, like, weeping. There's tears, yeah, there's tears in all of our eyes.

Oh, my God. Oh, fuck. Wow, that's the best joke I've ever told. No one's going to think that's funny. No. No, no one, everyone right now is just mad and confused. Oh, fuck. God, it feels good to talk to that guy, stick.

Oh, that one got me good. Hell yeah. Oh. There you go. I believe we had sex with Adam's mom. Yeah. Something else. The gayest bomb of all time is also,

Thank you for listening. What happens when Adam does stand up? Yeah. Dude, there's no reason to try and add to it. That's not it. That's one of those things you just have to let be. No, but Adam's gay. When you try to make it smart or pick it apart, it ruins it.

Of course. Yeah. I was trying to figure out what it would look like in Syria. I don't, it doesn't matter. What got me is the mental image of fucking Smosh Mouth, Sean Spicer, coming here. Or just CNN, like on the ticker. Yeah, no, I'm aware of that.

They went to the Holocaust centers and I don't want to distract from the issue at hand. Trump today, the president has authorized the use of the gayest bomb of all time. The jubility. Somebody comes up and whispers in his ear, he's like, I'm sorry, I got that wrong. It's not the name of the bomb I'm calling it. Ah, fuck. All right, you guys were whatever.

Good night. Bye.