The Adventure Zone - The Adventure Zone: Graduation Ep. 8 "Mission: Imp Hospital"

Episode Date: February 20, 2020

It's the semester break and the Thundermen are getting paid to do a little exterminating.  Birds and rats and imps, OH MY! Happy MaxFunDrive! Right now is the best time to start a membership to support your favorite shows. Learn more and join at https://maximumfun.org/jointaz

In a world of magic and monsters. Where heroes and villains only worry about the bottom line. I only care about the bottom line. And fate is in the hands of an unseen, but still incredibly handsome higher power. Three unlikely business partners. You must be Fitzroy Maplecourt. I've been looking for you. Do you mean behind the mask?

It's been Argo Keen this whole time? Thank you, Master Fearbug. You've saved us all. Have banded together to try to earn some cash during their semester break. This February, thank Travis for Travis Studios, in conjunction with Thunderman LLC, presents... Mission Imp Hospital. My boys, oh my boys.

So excited for this episode. This is our semester break episode. And it's going to be some D&D-ass D&D. I'm going to roll so many fucking perception checks that our audience is going to shit. My roles are unstoppable this game. This is going to be some dungeons. And dragons.

I got, well, I actually have neither, but it's going to feel a lot like both. You excited about that, juice? Oh, baby. Let's see the numbers go up. Okay. So, first things first, though, let's get some D&D mechanics out of the way. It's level up time. Oh, shit.

Yeah. Time to level up. Give me a level up, boys. Griffin. What did it do? It fits for a pickup. Well, this is a fun one, because this is this is, special time in a boy's life is when he branches out and he multi-classes, which I've gone

a hundred done. I've fulfilled my promise to you that I would come by magic the good earnest Christian way through multi-classing as a sorcerer. Specifically a wild magic sorcerer. That track. It basically means that I have access to more spells now. I'm only a level one sorcerer, so there's some other, like, shit that sorcerer does

that sets it apart from Wizard. But a lot of that flavor, like, that makes it sort of different from how Taco cast spells and stuff. You don't get kind of until later. He was a big character on critical role. Fan favorite. Fan favorite.

So, yeah, the only thing you really need to know is that I have a thing called Wild Magic, and that is every time I cast a spell, I roll a D20 in addition to whatever I do. And if it's a one, I have to roll on a table of 100 random magical effects. Okay. And then I have to do whatever it says. Or I also have a thing called Tides of Chaos where once per long rest, I can gain advantage on a role.

And then once I have done that, once I've expended that, Travis, you can make me roll on that, that wild magic table, like, anytime I cast a spell, no matter what. So it's like a, if I have tides of chaos in my pocket and I haven't used it, then like I am a little bit more protected. But once I use that low tide at that way. Right. Once I use tides of chaos, then anytime after that that I bust out my magic, you can, you can make me roll on this, this surge table. And this search table is like, fucking wild. Like one of them is like, you get taller permanently. Whoa. Okay. You age 10 years. Like it's fucking wild shit.

You cast grease centered on yourself. That's embarrassing. Yeah. You're a slippery boy after that. All right, cool. Justin, what's the Fearbug pickup here in the fourth level? A couple of, just got a couple of dexterity points. Okay.

Hey, that's something? Just got a couple of dexterity points. But it's the friends you make along the way. Yeah, just a couple, just a couple dexterity points. points. Not a big deal. Just a couple of X-O's. You get a lot more fun stuff at five.

I wish Travis would like that. Well, we're at four. Yeah. Well, I tried to go to five, but I don't want you guys to be all powerful, big, meaty tanks. Yeah. No, yeah. It's fine.

It's fine. It's just ability points. That's cool. That's okay. Just a couple of Xos. What about you, Dado? A couple more hit points. And the opportunity to increase an ability.

since we're all pretty stupid I think I'll increase intelligence Well you guys have You got street smarts But you do need some more book learning I don't even think I have that Oh no

Wait one of you has Street smarts for sure right It's Argo's got C smarts C smarts I put five at a school of hard knocks Okay Yep that explains that All right so dad's taking some book learning

And bumming up with intelligence Um, so. Indubidably, I am. Oh, God. No, none of that. So, word got around that you all didn't have plans for the break. So when school counselor Tomas found out that the mayor of Last Hope is looking for some intrepid and expendable adventurers for a mission, he recommended you. Last Hope has been building a brand new state of the art hospital.

However, shortly before the grand opening, it was overrun by imps. No one is quite sure where they came from, but they all arrived overnight. The workers are, by Heroic Oversight Guild guidelines, not permitted to perform tasks like monster raids. However, there are no licensed heroes or villains in the vicinity. You three have received special dispensation to work as contractors associated with the school. Your job is simple. Get in there and clean them out so construction can get back on schedule. In return, you will each earn 100 gold that you get to keep.

So welcome to Mission Impospital. Oh, Jesus, right. I thought I knew where you were going, and then you took another step beyond it. Hey, thanks. That is hard, and it sucks. And in case you all were wondering, the title came first. Right, I'm sure. Yeah, this is unsurprising.

So I needed in writing that we're going to keep the 100 cold. Yes. And then that the things we buy with the 100 gold aren't then sort of taken away from us. As this is not a school mission, you are independent contractors at this point working under the license of the school. You get to keep it. Well, it's a co-branded effort with Thunderman Incorporated. Yes, Thunderman in conjunction with Hieronymus Williams-Def School for Heroism and Villany, presents a Thunderman LLC joint.

Mission Impostal. Mission Impostitl. Do we have a C-O-O? I mean, I figured Fitzroy is the CEO. Right. And he probably oversees a lot of the day-to-day operations. And then we got my man Furby over there on the finances. Do not know Argo's place yet, but don't worry.

We'll get there. You find a place. Well, I was just thinking about how every episode it sounds like we need a lawyer. That is true. I used to assume at some point you're going to go back to working with. with J. Johnson Esquire. Fuck that. Rude.

I don't work with rude people. Now, as you approach the front of the new hospital, you see that the handles of the double doors have been chained to prevent any hapless passerby from entering and being attacked. Now, luckily, you have been given a skeleton key to unlock the chain and any doors that you encounter in the hospital.

And on either side of the doors are beautiful stained glass windows. Does this skeleton key Work on any? Is it a magic key that works on anything or just the hospital? No, it is just in the hospital All right, you know, so the janitor doesn't have to carry a big ring keys Yeah, it's bad for the hip. Yeah All right, uh, hey there, Argo, uh, you've got some sort of like You know, supernatural thief sense, right? Yeah, what's your what's your gut telling you?

Is this a trap? I don't know why I'm asking you this. It would be wild if it was. It's the front door to a place of feeling. Pretty sure that the imps wouldn't be able to put a lock on the outside. Now, if it were on the inside, maybe. But I mean, this seems pretty straightforward for a change. I say we send the fur bowl gup to unlock it.

Are you comfortable with that? I spent my entire life anyway. world without locks, I am certainly the best equipped for this challenge. Okay. This is literally the fourth lock I have seen in my entire life. Well, you got to, this is learning on the ground. Okay, I guess I'm going to go try to just crack this lock open. You have a key.

We have a key. Dangus is? That's why I thought it would be good. I put the key in the lock and I turn the key. It opens. The chain comes undone. You can open the door. Say it.

You solved my chain lock. Yeah, baby. Yeah, we did. Also, you will find... I call high and mighty. I have emailed you maps. You were given blueprints as well of the two-story building so that it would be easier for you to navigate. Thank you.

Argo picks up the chain and the lock. Okay. I think it might make sense for us to, I don't know if this is Griffin saying this or Fitzroy saying this, I think it would make sense for us to like lock it from the inside just so like they went to some length to keep these things in here. It makes sense to me for us to also keep them in here while we do our nasty stuff to them. Sure, lock it behind us, you mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, I can live with that.

Okay, yeah, I want to take the chain and just sort of rewrap it around the door from the inside so that nothing is going to be. getting out alive. Yeah. Except you guys, right? We'll see, baby. Yeah. That's a weird thing to celebrate. Okay.

As you make your way in, you find yourself in a vestibule lined with benches. Light from the stained glass windows illuminates the white marble floors. Beyond that, there's little visibility for those with normal vision. You hear the occasional skitter of claws on tile and flap of wings, but you cannot easily identify the source. Did we get any sort of briefing on like where these imps came from or where these imps could have possibly come from? Well, that is a good question. Why don't you roll an insight check? I got a 19 plus zero.

Fearbug, did you share the information about the demons in the forest with your compatriots? Sorry, what information was that? Do you receive the information from Breeze through the Willows? that there were demons in the forest? Yeah, I definitely, there's not a lot to discuss around this place. I definitely would have. We've had a lot of free time. Okay, so Fitzroy, you use your insight to deduce that probably it has something to do with that.

Last Hope is, you know, not too far from the forest. The unknown forest, you could see some, you know, little demon fiend-like creatures making their way here. And as this building was sitting. unused and open, it would be pretty easy for them to squat here and kind of make a little nest. I feel you. Guys, you'll never believe it. My brain just connected two pieces of independent information to form a new thought, a new conclusion. It's among the first times I've ever done this.

Witchcraft. It's like your magic powers are growing now. Let's keep it frost. let's stay in our our what we've practiced you remember in our formations this will be um this will be stealth lion alpha do you all remember from the playbook you didn't read the playbook did you I haven't seen a playbook did you send us a playbook I handed it to you in the room we all sleep in together Hmm.

We don't sleep in the same room anymore, do we? That's a fair point. So which of you has any kind of special dark vision? Oh. Um... I think I do. Hold on, that would be a racial trait, right? Yes.

Yo, I have dark vision. I can see, sorry, shades of gray. Tell me more about that. How appropriate for Fitzroy, you know? I got no vision. But he can open his eyes in salt water and it doesn't hurt super bad. Yeah, that is true. Also worth noting.

I will become a cat. What? A talking cat. The fear will becomes a cat. Wait a minute. This whole time you've been able to do that? I have not needed to be a cat. I mean, does anyone ever need to be a cat?

Do cats need to be cats? Apparently. They can when they need to see in the dark. Okay. Has that been you that whole time playing the little tricks with Argo's mustache? You're not the disappearing cat, right? This that you say is racist. Okay.

Cat racist. I'm going to use my dark vision and make a perception check as promised in this room. 12 plus Am I proficient? Oh, I am plus two, 14. Okay. With your shades of gray vision and the Fairbog's now,

cat-like eyes, you see up in the rafters, you see some bird shapes to you, Fitzroy, and to you, Fearbog, birds. You also see in the shadowy corners some furry movement, which you assume to be some kind of like rats.

This is a very dirty hospital. As you move into the main chamber of the first floor, you're facing the semicircular reception desk. Directly behind the desk is a large stairway leading to the second floor. In the four corners of the room, you see sets of chairs as well as tables covered with magazines. You imagine that these magazines must be as new as the building, but they have clearly been clawed at and chewed on. Along the walls are doors. A quick check of the blueprints you were given to serve as a map shows you that these doors lead to admin offices, doctors' personal offices, and exam rooms. The skittering and flapping noises grow increasingly louder from the rats and the birds.

I'm going to do an investigation check. What are you investigating? Investigating one of the administration rooms. That's a two plus three. That's a five As you turn your back to investigate the admin offices The bird swoops down at you And makes a surprise attack against you

It's birds Um Argo does a 20 hit beat your AC If it doesn't That would be incredible It is 15 Yeah my AC is 15 Can I not do anything like Dodge or use my dexterity

No that's what AC is for Yeah Gotcha Well, my 15 AC will not save him. You take six points of damage. Oh, nilly. Did we all see that? Yes.

Were we loving it? Because it sounds funny to me. Also, you're lucky that it's you, Argo, because you feel something, some kind of liquid, probably poison, you know, on the bite from the bird, on the attack, but because you are water genocie, you have a natural immunity to poisons. Actually, to acid. Oh, whoops. Okay, yeah, you take some poison damage. Listen, just being honest, I don't have a poison.

Okay. Who, Boise. This is going to hurt you. Unless it's acidic damage. How many hip points? So you already took that. damage. That took out six. Graduation was such a weird

short season. It seemed like they were setting a lot of stuff up. That's an additional seven points of acid damage or poison damage. We're in a hospital. It's fine. I want to try and grab this bird. Okay. You're going to grab it. I'm going to use mage hand and just like fucking grab it. It's like if a snake bites you,

you're supposed to like take a picture of it or something. and post it on the gram. Okay. And take it to the doctor, say, this is a snake that did me. So what's the cure, doc? Let's do a contested strength check then. Okay. Yes.

16. Wait, strength saving throw? No, just strength ability. Well, then that is a 16 total. Oh, you win because this thing is not very strong. So it's a 12 versus your 16. so you're able to grab it. And it's attempting to peck at the mage hand,

but of course to no avail. Now, as this happens, you see the other bird start flying around the room, as well as the two rats come out of their hiding places and start to approach you. I've just got the one mage hand, so I've never tried to do two before.

Let's roll initiative. Hell yeah. Another 16. Six. How do you know the different? See, six and a nine. Everybody's always wondered this. It'll have a line under it?

Oh, okay. This is a six. Oh, yeah. Uh, 19. Ooh. Now, here's the question I have for you, fellows. Um, there's going to be lots of little battles throughout this building. There's lots of rooms.

Would you rather roll initiative every time? No. Or just keep the same initiative throughout. Just keep the same. Okay. Yeah. So up first in the order is Argo. Great.

So I've got one poison bird held in my hand, my spectral hand, and then there's another and two rats. Two rats and another bird. So four creatures total. One bird flying around. One bird in mage hand. Two rats coming from the opposite corners of where you entered. Cool. Okay.

Argo is going to use his sling. and try to kill one of the birds. Okay. It's fucked up. Yeah. Well, you didn't just drop half your life points to one of the suck. Yeah, that's true. That is a 13 plus 6, and it does 1D4 plus 4 damage.

Okay, so it's 19 total that does hit. 4 plus 4. That's 8. Ooh. Okay, bird number 2 takes 8 points of damage, and is looking, a real rough. Up next is Fitzroy. I don't know what I was doing,

grabbing this bird. Like, I'm treating this like fucking Pokemon. Yeah. I'm not going to catch this bird and use it later. So I'm going to... I'm a gonna smash. I'm gonna... I think seeing Argo get so thoroughly dunked on

just pushes me sort of into an instantaneous kind of raid mode. So yeah, I go rage and I'm going to smash the bird that I am holding. But first, something silly is going to happen. Yeah, so everything kind of gets blown away from me as I go into rage mode and plant life temporarily grows around me until my rage ends. The ground within 10 feet of me is difficult to rain.

Oh, cool. That's not especially good for this bird. but I'm going to attack it now. That is not great. That is a 6 plus 6 plus 2. Do I get plus 2 for when I'm in rage? Or is that just on damage? No, that's just on damage.

So, oh, but I have the plus 1 mall. So that's a 13 total. Ooh, you just hit. Give me that damage, son. Cool. that is I need to get more dice 7 plus 4 11 okay plus 2 13

you smash it real good it splatters into black icore and your mage hand kind of does that thing like maybe you hit it with like a finger with a hammer and it's like ooh yeah but it's just kidding because it's just a spectral hand at fairbug I'm sorry about that

This is life. It is? This is how things happen. It was no harm meant. I meant it tremendous harm. Are you talking to that cat? Oh, yes. Sorry.

No, I am a talking cat. A talking cat? Gaze upon my incredible feline talking abilities. What is your dexterity for? for a bog. Well, good news for me. I just added two points to it. I knew somehow. 14. Okay. So up next is the creatures. Um, let's see. So the bird that is still kicking is going to swoop down at Fitzroy. Good luck. And it's going to...

My AC is clownishly low. Okay, cool. Well, probably higher than this. That's an 11. Oh, it is higher than that. Okay. So it swoops and a misses. And the two rats are going to transform into imps,

back into emps, I should say. Oh. And they are going to attack, let's see, one of them is going to attack the Fearbulg. Oh, man. That's what he sounds like now. 21 versus ACA. Oh, man. I like that as a rebranding of the character.

So that hits, right? Yes, that hits. Go ahead and make a sound of it hitting him. Boom. Wow, that's good. This is a cat joke. That's six damage plus. Do you have any resistance to poison?

Features and traits. No, I have the feature that I love to eat poison, apparently. I have no resistance to it whatsoever. Make a, I should have had Argo do this too, so he might earn back some hit points here. make a Constitution saving throw. 11 plus 1, 12. Oh, okay. 16 plus 1.

Okay, so Argo, gain back half of those 7. So gain back 3 hit points. And Furbol, you're going to take half damage. So you're going to take four poison damage. It would have been... That's not too bad. It would have been eight if you hadn't saved. So.

Not too bad. The job. And the other imp is going to now swing his poisonous scorpion tail at Fitzroy. We'll see about that. Oh, it's only a seven plus five, a 12. Fuck out of here. Okay, I don't know why you have to resort to such language. Okay.

Now we're back at the top of the order. Sorry, now it is the Fearbug's turn. I was going to say. Yeah. Let me up in. What's the, what's the, what's the, what's the status on birds? At this point, there is one bird left looking real rough, and then two imps standing, one in front of you, and one in front of Fitzroy. I am going to use my action to become a fear bowl again.

This is very embarrassing. I just loaded the stats for a cat, and it's good to see in the dark, but, and good for smelling. is another thing that's a good at but they have three strength which is a negative four and three intelligence so I don't think that I want to I don't think I can do this fight as a cat

I'm real sorry I should have come up with some sort of bullshit fantasy cat in hindsight but I didn't know that I'd ever seen one of those and I can't only have a challenge rating in one or two so yeah so basically I'm just gonna just stand there

and just become a regular guy again It's a regular fear bog. Okay. Anything else? You can move. I can't. I mean, move away from the stuff, I guess. I mean, like, I don't know where I would be advantageous for me to move.

No, I just stand there and change into a fear ball. When you turn back into a cat next turn, where do you want to be standing when that happens? just not in immediate danger, I guess. I don't know. Yeah, I mean, not an immediate danger, I guess. Close to the barbarian. Well, just the fact that a cat turned into this great big fur bog, that would probably not be psychically.

What? A rat just turned into an imp. They're all to intimidate. Very upsetting. So wait, just to clarify. Body horror. Trigger warning. You are changing from a cat to a fear roll,

and you want to do it in an intimidation. way. Make an intimidation check. This is very generous, DM. It's a high check. It's a six. Okay. Fuck me, I guess. They barely notice. Oh, wait, did I mention

I go, ah, behold. That was kind of an Arnold Schwarzenegger turned into-up year-year-old. That was my mid-transferration. Third in the animorphs, like, picture. Okay. So we're back up to Clint as Argo-Kean. So are the two imps at full health?

Yes. Okay, I'm going to pick one and attack it with Florence. Okay. So I add plus six to the roll. 18 plus six is 24. Oh, you hit real good. That's a solid. You get full meat on that one.

Okay. And one D. eight plus four. That's a four plus four is eight plus three because it's Florence. So it's 11.

Jesus. Okay. You kill him. Don't you do like a certain number of those a day though? Yeah. Only two. But we're not doing real well.

Yeah. You slice him clean and twain and he melts into black eye core. Was that the bird or the imp? They're all imps, baby. Oh. That was the one in imp form.

Okay. And I yelled, touche! So now we have left a rough-looking bird who's taking a lot of damage and an untouched imp. And we are at Fitzroy's turn. Hmm. You got an imp right in front of you, and you got a bird flapping around looking real hard. I say to my compatriots, hey, we should try and grab one of these imps

and see if we can communicate with it, find out where it came from, but we do only need one of them. And I bring my mall down on the other imp shaped one. That is a 7 plus 6. 7 plus 13? Yep, that hits. Nice.

Roll damage. Oh. Oh, Jesus. What a series of reactions. Yeah, three plus four plus two is nine. Oh, he's looking so bad, you guys, but he's still up. Okay. And up next is the imps.

The bird is going to take another swipe flying down at Fitzroy. Oh, 14 plus 5.19. It hits handily. And you only take four points of piercing damage. Make another constitution check for me. That's actually two points, because I have resistance to basically physical damage when I'm in rage mode. Oh, nice. Sort of the trade-off for having bullshit AC.

And then a constitution saving throw? Yes. Yay. Three. Three plus two, five. Oh, boy. Okay. You take an additional 13 points of damage.

13 fucking points of damage. huh? Yeah. All right. All right. I mean, I got that barbarian meat. So, like,

there's a lot of, there's a lot of Thunderman to carve off. But damn, not that much. I should ask this before, which one of us is the cleric? Oh,

hey, also, you guys, just so you know, this is only like one of 20 rooms. Yeah. Okay. Okay.

So, yeah. So, up next is the other imp, the one still standing, and he's gonna take a swipe at, uh, at Furbulk. Oh, nope. That's a two plus five. That's a seven. Nope. Quite a miss. All right, now we, we've got the Fearbug.

You have one rough-looking bird and one rough-looking imp. Uh, I am going to kill the imp. Do it. with a spell. No, I'll save the spell. If he's that rough looking, I'll just hit him with my thorn whip. Is that an actual whip or is that a spell?

It's a spell. Well, it's a canterp. Oh, cool. Creates a whip. Cool, thorn whip. So that is, oh wait, you have to do the saving roll, right? Oh, does he? How does it work?

It's a melee attack. Okay, melee attack. I see, I have no, I've never had to make melee attacks. That's why we're practicing. This is why we're having this D&D ass D&D adventure. Yeah. So what do I do? Roll a D20.

It's a melee spell attack. So you use your spell casting modifier, which is wisdom. Okay. 10 plus 4, 14. Oh, that's... Plus my... The proficiency bonus? Yep.

Okay, 16. That hits. Yay. Okay. Well, I'm not going to make you. You roll damage because he only knows one hit point left. So you strike him, the thorns dig deep into his body. As the black Icourt oozes from his wounds, he clasces to the ground.

Now, back up at the top of the order, it's Argo. And we got one bird a flapping. Flap, flap, flap. It mocks you with its presence. This is the bird that bit you. This is the bird that bit you, Argo. I thought I grabbed the bird that bit him and then squished it. Oh, that's right.

this is the brother of the birth of bit you are go oh i feel bad now no he harbors a deep hatred for you and his heart well i tell you what i don't want to get close enough to get bit again that's a good call so i'm gonna use the sling again okay 17 that hits and i'm not gonna even make you roll damage because you're plus four let me roll damage a seven okay seven okay you're you're you're Plus four. Okay. Eleven. Well, that's impossible because you only roll a D4 for your thing.

But that's okay because you only had two points of life, so he's quite dead. Don't you worry. So I'll live with that. Now you've cleaned out the main entryway here. I did say let's take one alive, huh? Didn't say that? And you got four puddles of black Icor and plenty of doors to explore. Is this our first downed?

Enemy? Is this our, as a team, our first sort of communal kill? Oh, I guess, I don't know if we killed any of the lava man. I think they all ran away. I immediately start looking for gold. We've been, we've been blooded. Yeah, I'm looking for gold coins in these black ooze piles. I'm looking for diamonds and rubies. None of these ems were carrying. Any pelts that I can then craft into different armors or increased inventory size bags. They all have savings bonds, but they're not here. They're at home and they're sock drawers. So our mission is just to exterminate. Correct. All these things. So why would we, I'll do it in character. Why would we want to, why would we want to question one of them? Well, to find out like where they came from so that other buildings don't get infested with demons also?

Well, couldn't you use your magic powers to determine that? I mean, you've got, you've got these magic, did these, are these new powers? Did these just come upon? Oh, you're talking about mage hand. Yeah, I mean, have you always been able to do that? Have I always been able to shocking grasp? Yeah. Do you have any broken shit?

Because mending is also a new one. And I mend, I tear a piece of paper and mend it. Mending. So, have you been taking secret magic classes or something? I've been taking public magic classes at the magic school we attend. All right. Well, I thought maybe you inherited some of these or you got it, you know, like it's a family magic or some. It's all family magic. Here's an idea. And this is going to sound just super villainous. But a controlled burn? Because I do know firebolt now. We can burn this whole building down with all the imps inside it. Bada bing, bada boom. Listen, one of them just bit Argo so hard that he was nearly chopped in half.

So, like, I don't like our chances of clearing out all 20 rooms of this Librentian place of medicine. Except maybe that they would have used it as a hospital again somebody. Well, they should have thought of that before they let it get all filled up with imps and the like, shouldn't they have? Well, you're the boss villain. And you tell us. Yes, we are right. your beaist. No, let's save that.

That's like number three on the option list. I think number one is we just keep looking around. There's another delightful administration office. That last one went so well. Let us continue to administrate. Well, so the admin office that Argo had been set to explore, when you open the door, contains two small desks. And you guess that this one, administration office,

one, housed patient records as the walls are lined with storage containers, all of which have been pulled open and their contents scattered to the wind. Above the desks are a magical lanterns hanging from chains. On one of the chains is swinging an imp who is completely surprised at your approach. So you guys are going to get a round of surprise attacks on him. Okay. We will kill him in a round of surprise attacks. We will kill him! So like, let me, can I use my surprise attack to try and grab this ghoul?

Sure. Okay. That is an 11 plus... Are we doing another string contest, I assume? Yes. Okay. The 14. Yeah, you grab him.

Okay. I don't know. Does anyone speak demon? Infernal. Infernal shoot I should have thought about that That's just what demon language is called Yeah

I can talk to dragons which is weird Do you know dragon little fella No What about dwarvish You speak dwarvish No Man if we could find a dwarf that could speak The deep tongue then we could do a little

Chain A little game of telephone So no one's going to talk to this little demon, huh? Why can't they not to not know his language? Okay. I look at the demon. We are going to make a smash on you until dead. Fuck you.

Oh, wait. Okay, see, that's what I thought. I thought maybe if I insulted your... So, hey, bud, where'd you come from, little fella? How can we translate this series of sounds from? the imp into our tongue. Fuck, yo. I came from up your butt.

Actually, Argo has actor where you gain plus one charisma. You have advantage on deception and performance checks when trying to patch yourself off as a different person. And you can mimic the speech of another person or the sounds made by other creatures

that you have been listening to for at least one minute. Okay. Just as a devil's ad. It's like I'm thinking of let's just say Martin Sheen uses his acting skills to pretend to be another character because that's what acting is. I don't think he can use his acting skills to suddenly speak Mandarin. Are we just going to pretend like the imp isn't speaking common to us? I said I came from out of your butt. Yeah, we heard. So we're just gonna know that.

It's just like nobody acknowledged my great joke. Um, so that's rude and you heard about us murdering. Did you see what we did it outside? There were, Well, tell me that was his mouth. You'll never tell. Okay. I, I'm gonna shock and grasp him.

Just to sort of, like, wake him up. Let him know we mean business. Is that, do I need to make a saving throw? You do not. Uh, 13 plus. 5, 18. Yeah, that hits. That does 1D8 lightning damage

and it can't take reactions. I figured even if I roll max damage, I didn't. That's a 3. Asap him. Ow, fuck you. Yeah. Now you know why they call me Thunder Man.

Well, Lightning Man would have been better. I've had worse shocks from the carpet and touching doorknobs. You're going to die. Like, do you get it? Does anyone else want to try that? Like, I'm trying to. You're going to die.

Like, well, kill you. I, I will say I enjoy this baby. You're a baby. You know, he makes the fur bulk happy. Maybe we should just keep him around. Can we, can we keep him? This entourage already has an unconscionable number of pets.

Then I stab him with my rapier. There we go. It's a three. You missed, you piece of shit. See, he knows how to cuss. Even the imp knows how to cuss better. We're all very impressed. Yeah, cuss words are impressive.

Hey, if you tell us where you came from, we won't kill. And maybe you don't understand the terms of what I'm offering. You haven't killed me yet, and you've been trying. I'm not afraid of you. Fearbul, do you want to get nasty? No, I don't wish to hurt the baby. Yeah. All right, let's try a different tact, okay?

And I release him from Magehand. Okay. Okay. See? And he attacks. You fucking. He does miss, though, so don't worry. But he tries to attack you.

Okay. At this point, he turns invisible. Ah, fuck. And you see the door swing open. And you assume he is gone. Okay. Oh. All right.

When you hear, fade off. Yep. Yep. We're going to smash you. Don't worry about it. Fuck you. Okay, I think we need the magic lantern. So Argo's going to take one of the magic lanterns because they don't have any night vision, right?

Okay. Excellent. It's going to give you, you know, pretty good visibility within, let's say, 10-foot radio. Does it look like, I want to investigate and make sure, did it look like this imp was like going through medical records, or did it look like it just trashes off? Just trash. There doesn't seem to be any. And you don't even know how to investigate to see that it doesn't look like there's any order or method to it whatsoever. Poirot would be very disappointed. Okay. Okay. So next room, I guess. Let's keep, we had, that's one that we know is in the building. What are we trying to do again? Kill every imp. Just kill all the shit? Oh, shit.

And you, wow, dang. Then I suggest at some point we cast like an investigation check or an insight check or something because if any of these rooms are empty, are we just wasting our time and we just need to get killing? Let's split up. This is historically a fucking awful idea. Let's go to the other office. So you go to the second admin office and it appears to be. the billing department. The room houses two safes,

one of which appears to have been forced and clawed open. The other sits closed in the opposite corner. Hmm. Ooh. Movie only. Ago, can you look into that safe?

Yes. Investigation check? Well, what are you trying to do? What is the purpose? See if there's anything in it? I don't know what these imps are trying to accomplish, but this is the second room we've come to now, or it seems like things have been done almost with purpose, right?

Like, it's not like they just came here to let shit run wild. Okay. Well, if it's the billing department, then somebody's paying with something other than personal fantasy checks. So are you opening it or are you just looking at it? Well, you said one was open, correct? Okay, just looking inside it to see what's in it. The one that is in, the one that is open, there is nothing inside.

And then I should try to open the other one. Okay. Make a dexterity saving throw for me. A 15 plus... Density six. Okay. As you open it, it ignites a fireball trap within that shoots across the room, but you are able to dodge out of the way at the last minute,

and it strikes the wall opposite you. The safe is empty. I'm going to Dr. Knox's office. So the door to Dr. Knox's office is locked, but you are able to use the skeleton key. I also, because I am a kind of benevolent DM, I'm assuming that you are locking all of these doors behind you so that you don't have to check any of them again. Yes. Of course, obviously. Dr. Knox's office is sparsely decorated.

Their desk is in the center of the room facing a large cabinet. The cabinet is locked. I'm going to pull the cabinet over so it's lying on the front Okay So you're going to pull it over

Yeah Pull it over Okay So it falls And is lying on the door Make a Oh okay Make a strength check

It's not my strong suit But 16 Okay Yeah you're able to pull it over And you're able to pull it over with enough strength that it doesn't just topple down you're basically like laying it down.

No, I mean, I wanted it to topple over because if there was a motherfucker in there, I wanted to go ahead and blaze it. That was my thought. Oh. I wanted to jostle any any imps in there. Okay. Well, you do

and you hear some glass breaking. This room has been secured. Let's go check out the other doctor's office. Onward. A couple of announcements this week. First, I had a lot of fun making the dumb, fun intro. The music for that I found is by Maurice Young Blaze Clopton.

It was perfect for what I needed. Also, a couple names in this episode. Dr. Frazier is named after Calla Frazier at Calla Eve on Twitter. And Dr. Knox is named after Victoria. Victoria Knox at Victoria underscore Knox on Twitter. So thank you for contributing your names. And if you would like to maybe have your name for an MPC on the Adventure Zone, all you got to do is tweet using the hashtag the Zonecast.

All bonus points if you share links for the show. Now, fam, listen, I think we need to come up with a scenario that is going to sort of bring the imps to us. And then we kill all of them at once, right? We could have cleared out another room while this discussion took place. I'm just saying exterminators don't go looking for one bug at a time, right? They lay down a trap and then they let the trap do the work. Let's do a trap.

Let's do a proper trap. I will sit in the anticipation of your plan. Okay. What do we know about imps? What do they like to eat? What's the bait? That was the first I have ever met

Here is what I know of him's Nasty shit heads This is all Okay Hmm Well Does anybody want to roll What would that be

A Arcana Check Nature Make a check Based on what you Are strong at And I will answer it In those terms

I have Arcana And I got a 14 So with an Arcana check And a 14 You know that Imps are like demonic constructs They don't really hunger for things They're not creatures

They don't feed They are built to serve You know Some kind of demonic lord Or in those terms But they're not really like creatures

with hungers or desires in that way. Okay, let's try this. Come with me back to the lobby. And I cast a disguise self on myself. This is a new spell. And it's a level one spell, so I do need to roll to see if, ooh. Where are you getting all these spells?

From leveling up as a sorcerer. I think that was in character, not dad being confused. Festo is a fantastic tutor. They're not all just party, party, party. They know, they know their stuff. Anyway, I cast this guy's self on myself, and I can appear one foot taller, so I'm going to go ahead and take that, and I take a form that has the same basic arrangement of limbs, otherwise the extent of the illusion is up to me.

I'm going to look like a demon guy, and I'll say that's big and red and horns, this sort of traditional, just big demon. And I'm going to hold my two fellows by the scruff of the neck. Just go with this. This is going to be great. I've got them. My children. My children, you can come out now.

I've caught the interlopers. My children. Okay. And Argo's going to help out. He's going to do a deception check to really act the part. Oh, shit. You don't, it's really, I got this. 18.

Okay. Okay. Plus four. Now, it's 22. Here's what I will say, Dad. I will let you help out. But if one of you is going to do a deception check to act like this is really scary, both you and the fur bog are going to have to do it.

Oh, I don't want to force the fur bowl getting to doing something. Not does it want to do, my friend, like, in, incapable. Will not be able to I am just standing perfectly still in the most neutral position possible So Fitzroy, I'm gonna need you to make My deep children Okay, give me a deception check

17 plus 5, 22 You see Sweet baby, sweet red babies Come in nurse up at my demonic udders You see, let's see, three imps, one from Dr. Frazier's office, and two from exam room three, kind of peeked their heads out of the doors. Don't be afraid, little babies. I've come, I bring meat. Hmm. Hey, I wouldn't listen to him. I just saw that dude.

In there, there's another guy somewhere. I killed and ate him. What's Gary doing here? I'm not Gary, I'm a robin' imp. You look hurt, my child. Comes up on my milk. And I'll, I will heal you with succor. Sucker.

Oh, yeah, what's your demon name? Mystiful Faust Felis. Hmm. Mr. Mr. Stoff? Child, you come to me, or I'll, I will burn you. Bad. Okay, I'd like to see you try. This is all occurring.

Quiet, boy, you will burn also in my fire. I would not like to burn in any fire. I lay the two of them down. Come, gather, gather. We shall now perform the ritual. The three other amps and the one that you encountered before that is still a little wary. They kind of creep a little closer to you. And that right now, all four of them are, I would say, within like 10 feet of you.

Excellent. Get dunked on. And I cast Thunderwave. Is that? Now, my friends are going to also have to take part in this little mini game that I have prepared. for everybody. But everyone now has to make a Constitution saving throw. Okay.

God. Well, bad news. Imps have advantage on saving throws against spells. Really? Yeah. What do they have to roll? Uh, five plus eight. What is my spells?

Uh, 13. Okay. I did 14. Hey, all right. Dad, are you safe from Griffin's fucking. terrible lightning? I don't know. I just rolled this 20-sided dice,

and the side that's up is the logo for D&D. Is that a 20? Probably. The logo for D&D? Yes, it is. They probably wouldn't put that on the one. So, yeah, that's a Nat 20. Nat 20.

All right. You catch two of the imps in the Thunderwave, and did the other two take half damage? Yes. Okay. What is said damage? Well, let's find out. Oh, by the way, you two also take half damage. With a net 20? And that is a 4. That's 12 points of thunder damage. And those who are hit are also pushed 10 feet away from me.

So I take six damage. Is that correct? Hmm, great. Good. Can I take six damage? Yep. So two of the amps are wiped out. the one that you were I don't know interrogating earlier he's looking real bad and the other one is bloodied

okay and we are still an initiative I Argo you are up okay I'm going to attack the one with the new injury I'm going to attack him with sneak attack which means I do my attack plus an extra 2D6 damage

If you hit. If you hit. That is a 15. It does hit, yes. Okay, so 1D8 plus 4. That's a 7 plus 4. That's 11. And then 2D6.

And that's a 3 and a 2. Okay, well, he only had four points of life left. So you skewer him in such that his. grandfather feels it, like way off in the distance, his, his imp granddaddy feels in. He's like, oh, my arthritis is acting up. But actually, it's how hard you have just skewered his grandson. And he melts into black Icar. This time he says, Zootalor. I don't know. Now, are you saying that the imp says that? Because that doesn't make a goddamn lick of sense. Yeah. Well, it doesn't make any sense for Argo to say it anyway, but he does anyway.

Okay. By the way, I rolled my. chaos role and did not get a one. Okay. I'm supposed to do that every time I cast a level one spell. And Griffin, Fitzroy, you're up, and it's the one that you interrogated, who was just being pretty rude. But see, I feel a sort of kinship with him. Yeah, we're best buddies now. So I'm going to walk over to him.

No, I'm just kidding. I'm at him with a firebolt. Oh, man. That's a nat fucking 20. Okay. He only has one point of life left. So you hit him and way off in the distance, three other imps somewhere else.

They reconsider a lot of their own life choices. And they think that maybe they need to get out there and maybe walk a clean path and tell other people about the path they've walked. See? So his death was not in vain. Nope. They can still change, guys.

Were these all the imps from the whole? building or just from the first floor? You would have absolutely no way of knowing that. Okay. Are we still like in combat in danger right now? No. You've defeated all the emps that were before you. Let me, let me, let me, uh, let me catch my breath.

That was actually my first time doing the firebolt one. And that was pretty, pretty intense. Did you know when you do that, your hand burns a lot? When you throw a moat of flame from your head, it actually doesn't feel good on the hand that it comes out of. Anyway, I'm going to detect a little bit of magic with my bod. Furbulk, how are you? Because I'm pretty rough. Are you low on hit points?

Uh, I will help you. And I cast level two cure wounds on Argonakine. Oh. Well, I wasn't, I wasn't hinting in anything. Yeah, well, I have this thing where when people are hurt in battle, this is crazy, but, um. Oh, that was four arcs ago. Let me slow down. I have a flow chart.

I can use. So that's six. My spellcasting ability modifier is four. so that's a 10 oh but I cast it at level 2 so that is oh 8 cool so 18 18 points healed I'm going to try and detect like conjuration magic I think right

because imps are sort of conjured constructs so either that or transmutation because they're like changing forms but I feel like it's one of the same Can we not live in the moment of the healing for a second? It's a good heal and you did a good job. Thank you. Well, I just thought we would role play.

Oh, thank you, my friend. I feel great. Can you do that for yourself? I could, but in public is embarrassing. Oh, public healing. This is a joke. Self-healing is permissible and beautiful. I got a little bit of poison on a cut, but I think it's nothing a good nap won't fix.

Yes, I would love to help you. Let me just try to remember if you shocked me with lightning reasons. Hey, technically it was thunder. So it was just a loud sound that hurt your ears very bad. Yes, this seems like the time for semantics. And it was a clever trap, and it was in the playbook. Yes, it was quite the production to lure them three feet closer to us. It was an important three feet.

And you did almost kill us, you know? I am very aware of the distance because you just threw thunder at me from it. Okay. Well, I got to do a little bit of echo glocation because my skin glows. So what about what's what we see in? Do you need to cast that? Or is it just automatic? It's just automatic.

So you get strong conjuration vibes from exam room one. You get some healing glow from Dr. Knox's office. We were just in there. Yeah, that was probably the glass breaking was like probably a healing potion, you think? And you also get some conjuration magic vibes from Dr. Frazier's office. Okay. Maybe I hear the blues are calling. Asshole.

It's named after one of our listeners, by the way. They got a script. So is the series Frazier. Kelsey Grammer listens to us? I hope not. We've said some shit. Hey, I'm picking up some heavy vibes over in exam room one. Should we go do that thing?

Yes. I had a new exam room one. Okay. Make an attack of opportunity, Fitzroy, as a flock of birds you would guess around six to eight somewhere in there. They're moving pretty quickly. Flies past you. Uh, well, no.

Just no. Okay. Uh, you, you all can make a attack. That's a three. Okay. What about you, Fierborg and, uh, and, uh, Argo? Uh, 16 plus, this is a melee attack, I'm assuming. The, I guess I could, I'll just use the thorn whip again, because I know how to do that.

So for the thorn whip, I add my spellcastee modifier, which is four. plus two, my proficiency bonus. That's 22. Okay. Well, in that case, I'll, I rolled an 11 plus six for my rapier, right? Yeah. So it would be 17. Yeah, dexterity bonus.

Is that the way it works? So he would roll, because it's like a dexterity weapon, he would roll his dexterity bonus plus proficiency bonus. So, uh, you two each, uh, the Fearburg and Argo each take one out of the sky, um, roll damage for me? Yeah. four piercing damage and then I pull it 10 feet closer to me. Okay.

What's your, is it 1D something plus something? 1d6 piercing damage. And what about you, Argo? 1D8 plus four. So it's 5 plus 4 for 9. Okay. So you knocked those two out of the air. The rest of them go swirling up that main staircase.

you pull the one closer to you and now it is at the top of the order Argo's turn Are these the same kinds of birds that attacks us earlier? Oh yes Okay I'm going to stab the one the fearbolks holding

Okay great I'm going to stab it right in its little bird eye Jesus Wow Yeah Well try getting bit by one and getting poison Okay.

And that's another Nat 20. Okay. Jesus. So you don't have to roll damage because that is going to kill it. And what do you do, Fitzroy? There is one that Argo knocked out of the air with his swing. And so that one... Oh, that one's not dead, though, right?

No. But it's real rough looking. I mean, I'm going to crush it with my mall. No, you know what? I'm not going to rely on that unless, you know, I want to get better at magic. So I'm going to, it's looking rough, you said? Yes. I'm going to just sort of tenderly euthanize it with shocking grasp.

Okay. That is a 12 plus 5, 17. Yep, that hits. Five damage. Yeah, you shock it really good. Maybe you can fry it just a little bit. Sleep now. But then it just melts into black eye core, as does the other one.

And you're back out of combat. Sweet Prince. You hate to see it. We lost another one. Well, I thought you should have just stomped on it. But, you know, that's me. So at this point, you have cleared out the main entryway. Admin one, admin two.

Dr. Knox's office, exam room one. Exam room three. And you get, there's some more conjuration magic from Dr. Frazier's office. And you didn't get any from exam room two. And you got some healing magic from Dr. Knox's office. And that's all the floor one. So you can surmise that most likely the only room still containing any amps on the first floor is Dr. Frazier's office. Let's go there.

Yeah. Now, when you open the door to Dr. Fraser's office, Unlike Dr. Knox's office, you would guess that at some point in the past, you would have described this room as lavishly decorated. But now you're more likely to say completely erect. The painting of Dr. Fraser that hangs behind her desk has been drawn on. At least you assume that the charcoal, horns, glasses, and buck teeth were not originally part of the artist's vision. Various statues and potted plants have been smashed on the ground and three amps are sleeping amongst the wreckage. Now, you get an opportunity attack, but I will tell all of you, because I'm a kind of benevolent DM.

If you try to sneak up to them, you are going to have to make a stealth throwl, and it's going to be with disadvantage because of all the broken pottery and stuff on the ground. Hmm. I nudge Argo and do a little sneaky pantomime, and I point at the three birds, and I pointed his sword. They are in the imp form, by the way. I pointed the imps. Imps, birds, whatever. This dude stabs eyes. You got an eye, he'll stab it.

I pointed at my eye, and then at them. And then his sword again. I will kill the imps. Okay. I cast moon beam on them in a cylinder that will catch all of them in this cylinder. They need to roll a... a constitution saving through. Okay.

Okay, that one's gonna fail. That one's gonna fail. That one succeeds. So one of them succeeds and the other two fail. Okay, now are they, here's a question for you, Traff, are they especially vulnerable to radiant damage? Hmm. Being imps of the sort of, the sort of

demonic persuasion. I wasn't sure. It's going to be 11 damage. Does the one who does the one who say... On a failed save or half as much on a successful save.

Now, it's worth noting that a shape changer makes it saving throw with disadvantage. Oh? Yes. If it fails, it also instantly reverts to its original form and can't assume a different form

until it leaves the spells light. Okay, then. So I don't know if imp is their original form or bird is their original. Well, but they are shape changers, which means in that case, all three of them would have failed because the advantage and disadvantage

would have canceled out. And so they all three get hit by 11 damage, and they are all three blasted into puddles of black eye core. Okay, that works too. As you see, I have killed these. Yes, and in phenomenal form, but we've got to work.

on our like our formations. Now, Trave, I am going to say this also, not to get picky about it, but the column of moonbeam extends 40 feet into the air. Okay. So if there is anything nasty

in room eight or nine on floor two, it would also have been been caught up in the moonbeam. Uh, yeah, hold on. Well, shit, you just do this four times. That's specifically, it's like, uh, you know, strategically placed detonation charges.

You feel, you feel that somewhere, somewhere, some creatures may have taken half damage. Your moonbeam senses are tingling. Um, yeah, just... To read that home in a jar. A few more than moonbeams. You can get out of here. How many of those you got, big man?

Well, sir, that was my second of three second level spells. Good to know. So, as far as you can tell from your magical senses, you have cleared out the amps in 401. All right. Ad Astra, onward and upwards. Now listen, I have to ask you, only because our listeners at home are going to ask. You're not even going to go check out the healing stuff? I mean, I guess we could go check.

It might have been more than one bottle. It is a hospital. Yeah, I still, I guess, am picking up that lingering magic. That's coming from Dr. Knox's office. Correct. Yeah, so I want to see what that's about. So the cabinet is laying on the ground. it is still locked

We unscrew the back Take the back off the cabinet There's got to be a way to take the back off the cabinet Do you have tools? You got to have thieves tools Come on I have thieves tools Yeah okay great Roll a check

Using your dexterity bonus For thieves tools 14 plus 4 Yeah you get that back off Without any additional damage to what's inside Now, a lot of it is broken, mind you, but you find one healing potion still intact, which is a 1D10 healing potion. And you also see various different like ingredients and components for medicine, you know, herbs, sows. Nice, dude.

There's some, you know, medals, that kind of thing. Okay. Some flakes of stuff. And you also find, well, a lot of the vials are broken, but you do find one potion of poison resistance. Okay. Let's add these to the Thunderman LLC coffers to our sort of war chest. And I pocket them. I do want to say, just as a, like, if this is our sort of halfway point, right, the halftime debrief,

the only beneficial thing in this whole building, you did throw to the ground like a big, angry monster would do. I made up for it with the moon beam. The moonbeam was great. And we love it. This is why I did the moonbeam. I feel of yield. I love the moonbeam. Okay.

In two weeks, the Thunderman will return in Mission Imp Hospital to Unfinished Business. Maximumfund.org. Comedy and culture. Artist owned. Audience supported.