The Bugle - Bugle 200 – The horn dog returneth!

Episode Date: July 13, 2012

The Bugle celebrates it's 200th edition with the return of two old favourites. Also in the news, evil bankers are making us learn boring things, and Kim Jong Un reveals his virility. Plus, should we fire missiles at the rain? Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Bugles, ladies and gentlemen, citizens of the world in all 12 continents of all three leading genders in the world today, female male and old people. Junior women and micro men, or children as scientists prefer to call them welcome, to the show-biz event of the post-paliolithic era. It's issue 200 of the bugle. It's the start of a new dawn of hope for human civilization, the end of approximately 13 billion years of disappointment and I and his ultimate I'm just trying to fight my way through the cheering crowds who get the

to the recordings studio here in London 2012 literally thousands of well wishes have lined the streets all the way as I've journeyed into the recordings that I've been glamorous stratum district of London on my open top ceremonial elephants, ordinary people, as well as more important celebrities, including renowned bugle fans, the Queen, former professional prime minister Tony Blair, rock legend and jaul enthusiast Mick Jagger. And of course, the remnants of Alexander Graham Bell,

who of course made the bugle possible with his historic invention of the telephone, exhumed and flown in specially for this great, great day in broadcasting history. It looks very excited for someone who's been dead for 90 years, it's all little overwhelming for me here. Sorry people, no autographs after recording. Put your bras away, please. Put your bras all of them on. I'm trying to focus. I've got a satellite stuff here. Let me perhaps let me live my own life. And I imagine as I fight my way to the door that there are similar scenes of wild communal jubilation in New York as we cross live to the award-winning star of stage and screen. John Oliver as he prepares for Bugle 200, this historic showbiz moment. Let's cough these nice pool. We could do with extra splash and milk or something.

Andy said he was going to be a bit late into the studio. He said this hand was sore from high-fiving. Does he have a medic? No, he's self-trees. He'll be here any second. I'm sure he's pretty pumped about today. Hello, Bugles! And welcome to the 12th ever Bugle beginning with a number two. It's Bugle 200 for the week beginning Monday the 16th of July 2012, just 11 more winging about national decline days to go before the Olympic opening ceremony. John, how is New York coping with the fact that it does not have an Olympics less than or fortnight away? Well, Andy, deep down New York believes it does have an Olympics, because that's what America

is built on American exceptionalism. So if somewhere has an Olympics, America believes, even though deep down they know it's not a fact, they believe that they have a bigger Olympics also happening somewhere. I think New York's just presuming that they have one in Midtown somewhere. So happy 200th John. Well, Andy, hello, Andy. Hello. Hello, Puglas for the 200th time. 200 Pugals, Andy, Shakespeare only wrote 37 plays.

37. It turns out he didn't have the imaginative ball to get anywhere near how many Bugles we've done. Brazil have only won five World Cup, Andy. We've done 200 Bugles. Now, those two facts next to each other are completely meaningless, but you'll notice that one number is definitely bigger than the other number, and it's our number, Andy, so suck it, Pele, because ask yourself this, which was the greater achievement numerically. Exactly, it was 200 bugles, so why don't you suck it hard, Pele, man? How many prostitutes did Jack the Ripper kill, Andy? I believe, opinion is split on that, but it's generally thought to be between three and six. Certainly not between three and 200, though, Andy, which is how many bugles we've done.

All piled up behind us over the last four years, like bodies of innocent Victorian prostitutes. The point is, this is a huge achievement Andy. 200 bugles, how does it feel? Oh, well, John, I mean, I mean, I would like to pick up with you that if Jack the Ripper was viewed to have killed between three and six, he also killed

between three and 200, but, you know, let's, I mean, it's at the lower end, I think the point basically stands. Well, I mean, John, I've had the titles of every single bugle tattooed on my back and, you know, running out of space to the fact that I've been having to work out pretty intensively to try and build a bit of extra musculot here for the next, the next 200 episodes. But as you say, well, what a large, I mean, this is 100 times more bugles now than installments of the Bible.

And that's including the fake ones. We've now done the same number of bugles as the total of the following, the number of 100 meter gold medals, one by Madeleine Albright, the number of live Komodo dragon strangled and eaten by Lyndon B. Johnson at UN meetings to make himself look tough.

The number of times former professional moonland and the alarm strong slept with renowned none mother Theresa. I'm going to have to speed us up. We're only on a total of one so far. Also career ending neck injury suffered by ex-French Queen Mary Antoinette too and we're moving. Plus the number of times Leon Trotsky ever beat Stalin at table tennis. Coincidentally that one time was the day before he was turfed out of the old Soviet Union and the lesson of that is if you're going to show boat in private, we're going to have to speed this up. Plus, the number of times that Jesus said, er, before answering the question, is that

your donkey, sir? And if so, what is it doing stuck up that tree with a helicopter blade gaffer tape to its back? 197 hours before he finally answered, yes, officer, sorry, it's a new trick of him working on that needs a little fine tuning so if you let me off with a caution I'll make your messages caboodles two sizes bigger deal 200 John bugle 200 but honestly Andy when I was three years old I never thought I'd do 200 anything that alone bugles because yeah of course then I didn't know what a bugle was I was as I But here's food for Thor Andy. The queen had a thousand boat floattiller on the Thames because she'd been on the throne for 60 years without dying once. We've done 200 bugles without dying physically, Andy.

So by my calculations, we are Odea Thames floattiller of over 3,300 boats. But last I checked on the Thames, they just seemed to be a tour boat, a party bar, and what looked to be a dead body floater gallery. So I was going to be a little bit more careful We are Ode, a Thames Flotilla of over 3,300 boats. But last I checked on the Thames, they just seem to be a tour boat, a party boat, and what looked to be a dead body floater down the river. What the f*** is going on over there?

Well, people have no respect anymore, Jill. No respect. We have had a number of telegrams from famous well wishes, who sadly couldn't be with us today. The UN Secretary General Ban Keith Moon has written happy by centenary, Bugle, and thanks for helping toppling all those titbugs in North Africa last year. You're very welcome. But Mr Moon, Hillary Clinton simply says, you make me feel brand new.

Oh, that's nice. Well, Romney, still in the running, of course, to be the 63rd president of America, has written, et de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la fin de la Oh, the moment of the year. I was so happy to be on the planet Earth. That's really great. I'm excited about the time. I'm on the phone. I've seen them on the internet. And you have to ask yourself, America,

is that the kind of man you want in the White House? Hahaha. Classic French wife saying, well done, John. That is one Napoleon screwed up in Russia. Because by the time it finished describing how cold it was going to be, his entire army had frozen to death. History fact. More telegrams later in the show.

Top story this week, the Hondog Returner! And look, Bueglers, we come bearing potentially sensational news on this, the HONDORG RETURNERS! And look, Bughlers, we come bearing potentially sensational news on this, the first of the second century of Bughals. And the news is this, Silvio Burlusconi is apparently planning to run for office again in the Italian 2013 elections. It was like he knew Andy. It was like he knew we had this 200th anniversary coming up and he wanted to do something really special for us. How did you know Silvio you leathery sex pest? How did you know that this was what we wanted the most and what the world needed the least? I mean this really would be a hell of a comeback Andy. You know

that classic scene from the end of so many movies, just when you think a villain is dead, buried in a grave, suddenly, just when everyone's calm, a hand shoots out of the ground. Well, imagine that instead of Silvio Burlescone literally dying, it was his political career that was buried. And imagine that what's coming through the ground now is not his hand, but is his penis.

That's basically what's happening in Italy right now. Well, according to reports, Berlusconi has been persuaded to re-enter the political Bordello at the urging of Italy's business and entrepreneurial community, John. Now that just shows how dire things are in Europe, the Italy's, business and entrepreneurial community are suffering so much of this age of austerity, there's not much business, not many things to entrepreneurialize themselves over, just nothing much happening, there are only so many times you can stand in your office revving an imaginary scooter before you

start to wonder what the f*** has happened to your career in business. So what is a solution? Get a burlust go back. Sure, it won't make any difference to the economy or anything important. Sure, he's in broad and more court cases than the number of times you arrive wondered whether snakes like pasta or whether it just makes them feel weird. But at least he'd make things entertaining, John. And that's what the world needs. That's what democracy wants. And most importantly, that is what democracy needs. Distraction from the political quagmire has dived headfirst into without any

on-bands or breathing equipment. Exactly, so the Corrella de la Serra reported that he will run, likely in 2013, where Mario Monti has announced that he will step down. And it should be an interesting campaign, because Burlesconi's speeches to the country are going to have to have generally the same tone that he's had to repeatedly use in speeches to his wife over the years. Come on, Italy, you gotta forgive me. We're so good together. I know I heard you before, but I'm a different man now. You know you missing your silvia. Now hop on the back of this scooter. You know you love it. I think I think that's literally

gonna be his reelection campaign slogan, Andy. Hop on the back of this scooter. You know you love it. I think I think that's literally going to be his re-election campaign slogan Andy. Hop on the back of this scooter, you know you love it. The most honest campaign slogan in electoral history. We have to also, what Morris is there for him to achieve, John? You know, they can't be that many more things he hasn't yet stuck it into, but I guess that is the thing with Burlusconi. He sees opportunities to put his 75-year-old Wemple Stiltsky into places that no one else would even think of putting it in. The New York Times, and with this rather delightful understatement, they said that personal weaknesses

tainted his premiership with scandal. Tainted. Tainted, John. Is that tainted in the way that Michael Angelo tainted the cysteine chapel with his paintbrush? Tainted like a summer of 1916 and the summer he was tainted by a bit of battle. Tainted maybe as the Titanic's luxurious voyage to New York was tainted by a minor contratort with little Johnny Iceberg. And that was scandals, John. Well, he's had more scandals than a dyslexic shoe shop owner.

And that's what scandals, John. Well, he's had more scandals than a dyslexic shoe shop owner. Mm. Oh, is this on? Unfortunately. It is. Is this on? It is impossible to forget what kind of man you're dealing with with burlaskone and the baggage that comes with the big B

because the reminders are everywhere and not just in the, you know, upcoming court records of numerous Italian judges. Because burlaskone, when I was last night, when I was reading about this story on a news website, they had a sidebar linking to any related story. And the sidebar read exactly like this, related story, women simulated sex with statue at Burlaskone party, related story, stripper nuns danced for Burlusconi, trial told. Related story, judges consider Burlusconi bribery charges. Related story, map Italy. That was it. That was it. I mean, look, you know what you're getting with him. That's the beauty. You know, Bartlett's going to be was, of course,

premier of Italy three times, but it still currently faces criminal charges in at least two trials. And you might think, ah, there's no way that Italy are going to take him back, but I'm really not so sure, because I was just in Italy and on vacation,

and they do not seem to like Mario Monti one bit there. He is the caring but dour stepdad in the cardigan that they have absolutely no interest in listening to, especially when their real dad is outside in a sports car honking the horn and promising to take them to go and blive flick knives. Monty is all about fiscal responsibility, anti, and Italians are all about scooters.

So they just fundamentally don't have much in common. And incidentally, just in case you're wondering how seriously Italy is taking its responsibility to impose austerity measures and make large-scale cuts to their economy at the moment. Now, I was in my hotel in Rome late one night and I was stumbled on Italy's most serious political talk show. It was a group of handsome men in suits talking animatedly in Italian and also with their hands about the proposed austerity measures. They were talking very fast and I couldn't follow exactly what they were saying until one man brought out from behind his chair an enormous pair of five foot joke scissors and started whackling them around

and everyone burst out laughing. Now, I don't know what they were saying, Andy, but I think they were implying that the concept of fiscal responsibility is extremely funny. LAUGHTER And I think this... We need to put this in context, John, where you listed all the things,

Burle Sconey has been involved. He's not as much fought the law. I've been involved in an abusive dysfunctional relationship with the law in which both parties clearly hate each other. But a recent poll showed that without Burle Sconey, the peoples of Liberty Party, which is a name for a political party that should set alarm bells ringing big time.

Without Burle Sconey as leader, currently polling 10%. With Burlescoady as leader, they will be polling 28%. That shows you, not only has that political party laid its cards on the table, but the people of Italy have laid their cards on the table, and by cards I mean genitals. And I guess the conclusions that we can draw from this story are as follows. 1. Democracy doesn't work. 2. As discussed recently on the Bugle, if you leave a man unattended in a lock shed with a plugged in George Foreman grill, at some point he will clamp his testicles in that grill just for the hell of it. It was true politically as economically.

And 3. Italy is nostalgic for the days of ancient Rome when it ruled the world, and its leaders were not afraid to use their penises in ways that most modern leaders generally shy away from. Well now for this 200th episode special, we're delighted to be joined by a man who played a key role in the development of the bugle. Our former producer Tom who did produce most of the first 108 bugles before fleeing the hemisphere. Tom great to have you back on the show. Hello Andy, hello bugles. Hello Tom, How's Australia? How's being upside down? I'm not going to lie to you, the blood in my head, upside down is really starting to hurt.

That's all. That's all living on Greenwich Mean Time is really doing me mentally in, not very well. Falling to bits really. Well, that's what people go to Australia for, isn't it? Pretty much, yeah. Australia, of course, a nation in mourning after their cricket team was humiliated by England. I mean, what have there been protests on the streets, Tom? No, they're coming to terms with as well, being shitted cricket, they're shitted tennis.

As Wimbledon proved, they're getting shitted cycling as Cadillac Evans has given beaten by Bradley Wiggins. And they're about to beat in the Olympics by Britain so yeah it's a sort of sport-wide collapse I think. This sounds like the last days of the Roman Empire but more so. Yeah the Australia never even had an empire to start with. Well if they ever had anything it was sport but they just live too good here the economy is doing well they don't really need to invest in sport. Britain, as they point out, have nothing else but sport. That is 100% true.

Yeah, but who's getting their priorities right here? When economies come and go, but sports is immortal. Australia's a lot deep down, they would give up a healthy economy in a second for sports. So Tom, what are your plans for the future down in Australia now? Well I was thinking of a long life, it's all a bit, oh god. Uh oh. That doesn't sound cool. I will get you in the next life. You fucking poisoned me. I said you could tell it's just to act right high on Twitter. Wow, so Tom's dead Andy, the first bugle character to die.

Thank you, I was, that's's a big moment isn't it? I think, I think that's all agree Andy, that the bugle has not just jumped the shark. It is soared over the shark on a flying jet ski. What guess it on me is the classic sign of a, for desperate showbiz franchise, kill off a, kill off a character. Always ratings gold though. Yeah. I thought you killed him off ages ago. Always writing's gold though.

I thought he killed him off ages ago. That was just inside. Who killed producer Tom Wright? Was it an agent operating on behalf of his unloved replacement Chris? Was it a vengeful, ruptured Murch, unable to cope with the guilt of having let the bugle slip unwittingly through his fingers? Unwittingly, given that he'd never even heard of it. Was it natural causes he's Scottish after all and in his mid to late 30s? There's arteries can't keep unplugging themselves forever. Or was it Colonel Gaddafi, who after

faking his own death, has been on a worldwide mission to eliminate all those who once marked him, beginning with Herbert Hauptmann, the American Nobel Prize-winning physicist who died just three days after Gaddafi apparently had his clogs forcibly popped. Then the film director Ken Russell, ex-North Korea co-owner Kim Jong-il and former monkey Davey Jones, whole men with whom the Colonel had a deep and undercooked personal beef, and now, Tom, a man who filled Bugle's 35-86 with coded messages encouraging a Libyan insurrection. Who was responsible? Tune in to Bugle 300 to find out if it was all just a dream.

just a dream. North Korea update now and and in North Korea is the most secretive nation on earth. So any time any little detail comes out, the world pays close attention. The bugle has been no different in the past. Of course over the last 200 bugles when we found out the Kim Yong Il had private water slides that he liked to frolic in or that he claimed that he'd hit 11 holes in one and shot 38 under par on his first ever attempt to play golf. We devoured every batch of detail. Sadly, Kim Jong Il of course died of craziness late last year, but his son Kim Jong Un is now in power and his apple may not have fallen far from the crazy tree.

Now, details are slim on what he's been up to and he's been completely out of the public eye for the last two weeks. But he's now turned up on TV in North Korea, attending a musical show with a mystery woman by his side. Now, the best guess of who the lucky and the incredibly unlucky lady is, is that she is a married North Korean pop star who Kim Yong-il had previously forbidden his son to see. I mean, wow Andy, that is quite a f*** you to Kim Jong-un's father. And I suppose it's an even bigger f*** you to the husband of the woman in question as well. Although, I'm guessing that he's about to be divorced not only from his wife, but from his beating heart as well. I guess it also shows the fact that their relationship founded before was that your partner's parents can be a big obstacle in a relationship, particularly when they have the capacity A to kill you, and B to make you sit watching military parades every length of the spark has really gone from your relationship.

Of course things happened to be going too well for North Korea ever since certainly they tanked a three-goal lead in the World Cup quarter final against Portugal in 1966. But at last on this is some high-profile romantic entry to get the country gossiping, albeit that all gossip has to be officially sanctioned by the ruling Communist Party. The only allowable gossip currently is our great leader Kim Jong-un has been seen with a goddess. No wonder he's a major league dreamboat to right here's greatest guy in the world. But at least that's something, Jong.

That's something. That's more gossip than no gossip. So Kim Jong-un's new girlfriend is supposedly Hyol Song-Woi and she sat next to him during the musical show Wearing and I quote, a dark suit with green piping. I mean, that's already very fashion forward. And the North Koreans are used to dark suits with dark piping. Is she the North Korean Kate Middleton and if she is that begs the question, does she have a sister? And is there a North Korean Kate Middleton and if she is that begs the question, does she have a sister?

Andy, is there a North Korean pipper? Oh yeah! Now, here's a little background on Hyon Songwool, who may be one of the first women ever to have nuclear weapons sighted in any pre-napper green. That really would be an interesting challenge for any divorce lawyer and in negotiating visitation rights over in rich plutanium reserves. Look, you can see the nuclear warheads alternate what you can, but that will be supervised access and you can see them at Christmas, but only after they've had lunch.

Didn't Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes have that in there? No, thanks. I didn't even know they were together, John. That passed me by. Yeah. You didn't know Tom Cruise was with Cady Witt. I thought he was with Nicole Kidman. Oh my! I'm a bit out of the loop. Listen, there's being out of the loop of Popcultor Andy

and there's being concussed. And I think you might have crossed over to the second one. He on songwall was the first, or the frontward, she was a musician, this is a little background there to her. She was a musician, a frontwardman for the popular Bon Chobo electronic music band in North Korea who apparently had a string of hits there in the early 2000s. The most popular hit was, and I promise, I've not made this song title up. The most popular hit was, and I promise I've not made this song title up. Their most popular hit was a song called, and I quote, excellent horse-like lady.

I mean, no wonder that was a hit, and I already loved that song, and I haven't heard any of the music or any of the other words yet. I mean, I was by that. I'm buying that just on the title. How about it? Apparently, the song celebrates the achievements of a pretty young woman in a textile factory. Oh, yeah!

Oh, yeah! Yeah! And refers to the woman's skills at forced labor and how easy the task is of breaking her in. What a romantic song, Andy. If your idea of romance is medieval era misogyny, and at the end of the day, who's is it? I'm not sure, I can see how that could work. The LMFAO remix is amazing. Hey, sweet chicks, where you work those textile machines to make

low quality t-shirts, you remind me of a horse. How about dinner? No lunch? Coffee and seahawks goes, just a phone number. Oh, come on. Come on. What's a guy got it? The video of the song is online. And in it, he on songworld dashes around the factory

with a beautiful smile, distributing bobbins and collecting swatches of cloth at top speed. Which American singer has the balls to do a cover of this, Andy? distributing bobbins and collecting swatches of cloth at top speed. Which American singer has the balls to do a cover of this, Andy? Why not test exactly how popular you are by doing this? I will both accept and respect Justin Bieber, Andy. If he can reach number one in the US Billboard charts by covering excellent horse like Lady. And only if he does a shot-for-shot recreation

of the video in drag as well. No dancing just in, just running around a factory in a dress, distributing bobbins. If he can get people to buy that Andy, then consider my inoculation against Bieber fever to a Vixenberg. Is it not a lifetime? Not if he gets to number one covering excellent horse like Lady.

I think it's more of a linal richie song to me. I can see him carrying it off. He's got the kind of smooth seductive tone. Yeah. Maybe we should do it as the bugle Christmas single this year. A cover of excellent horse like Lady. Hold on. I've actually, I've just found it on YouTube.

Hold on. No, no. Let's have a just found it on YouTube. Hold on. No, no. Let's have a blast of it. So this is it. Oh. It's got, it's a little more upbeat than I thought it was. I like that bit. That's brilliant.

You can, you can, you can westernize the production. This communism's so bad. You can westernise the production. This communism so bad. Pretty Georgian. This is why North Koreans are so skinny. It's a very upbeat song about a woman whose spirit has been completely crossed by the state. I guess that's the point. completely crossed by the state. I guess that's the point. I'm going to say that being a big hit.

I'm telling it and put a guitar solo in there from Slash and a rap break from Exhibit and you have got to hit on your hands. Apparently this mystery woman who may or may not be young songwall accompanied Kim Jong-un on quotes a visit to the tomb of his grandfather Kim Il-sung. What? A date! Hey, want to go catch a movie? Sure, why not?

That'll be lovely. Here we are. This doesn't look like a cinema, why not? That'll be lovely. Rum, rum, rum, rum, here we are. I'll just have a little bit like a cinema. There's no popcorn for a start. Sorry, it makes up. My bad. I didn't mean movie. I meant tomb. I mean, wanna go catch a tomb. Come back.

Mind you, I'm not in a position. So I took a girl to see Jillingham Football Club play out and Neil Nill draw away at Rexham. John standing on the terraces of the race course ground in the middle of winter in freezing fog. And that was so impressed that she later bore my seed. So, and mothered my offspring. So I guess that shows, well, A, that not all dates have to be flowers, champagne and chatting on the moon light about snooker. But what it also shows

more importantly is that I am one hell of a guy! What a catch! I'm a real catch! You look skeptical, Chris. Sorry, that's because I am. Oh man, you're fired. Also apparently it's considered that Kim Jong Un being seen with this young woman is helping him consolidate his image as a virile young man with the same sort of urges as his subjects. Well, when I'm not a psychologist, but I'd imagine most of Kim Jong Un's subjects urges basically involve the urge to live anywhere else in the whole fucking world. Apart from London, during the Olympics, which might as well be bloody Pyongyang the way they're doing it A, where's my free tickets to see a manfire a gunner a plate? Isn't it my Olympics too? Amongst the other contenders for the mystery woman, Condoleezza Rice, who fits the romantic bill, single woman probably looking to settle down after years doing a really tough job, Rice would also provide a much-needed bridge between North Korean communists and US Republicans,

however she is known to dislike despots and over-core agraft state-run parades. Could it be actress Kim Catral? Eager for a career spike in the post-Sex and the City is, Catral's agent has reported that she's already turned down offers to be the ceremonial wife of Joseph Kabila, president of the Democratic Republic of Congo, as well as the current Spanish Prime Minister, Mariano Rakhoyi. And also ex-tennis player Lindsay Davenport, who, though happily married, the six-foot-thrinch former Wimbledon champion, would literally be huge in North Korea, and we're also probably win quite a few more titles

on the North Korean tennis circuit. So I guess we'll just have to wait and find out who she really is. A few more telegrams just coming in on this 200th bugle, and in fact not all of them are just coming in on this 200th bugle and in fact not all of them are complimentary in Tali. This one comes from baseball star squirrel from silico currently playing for the San Jose host pipes in the minor leagues. He says, I hate the bugle so much that I always imagined John Oliver's or Andy's ultimate face on the ball as it flies towards me to give me a greater incentive to hit it. Fair enough, Tiger Woods has a very similar thing, but it's a film star Lee Marvin's face that he imagines, not really knows why, but he certainly hates the song I was born under a wandering star.

This comes in from Barraka Barma. Congratulations, the Bugle has been a constant companion throughout my term in office shedding lights into the darkness, soothing me in times of trouble, reassuring me that I am doing things right. I know the bugle is always there for me, and the bugle has always been a wonderful mother to our two lovely children. Oh, sorry, sorry, if I'm misunderstanding. How the hell did she get that nickname? How did that happen? Banking news now. And over the last couple of weeks, while we were away on holiday, the Leibor scandal broke and Barclays and some of the world's leading banks found themselves

accused of trying to manipulate one of the most important interest rates in finance. The Leibor is the London Interbank offered rate, and it's the average interest rate at which banks can borrow from each other. Basically, bankers, it seems, have been manipulating that so that they can ensure higher returns on certain investments and therefore,

higher bonuses for themselves at the end of the year. It's nauseating, of course, Andy, but that's basically what you expect from banks now, in a way. One of the things that I personally resent most about the various banking scandals, Andy's, that I feel now that they are forcing me to learn about things that I would really rather not have to learn about. I don't expect anything other than shady operating practices from the world of international finance

now. But when I was researching the Leibor a few days ago, I suddenly got this overwhelming anger bubbling up inside me of, look what you f***ers are making me do. I don't want to know what the Leibor is. I shouldn't have to know what the Leibor is. And now you're making me find out.

You are educating me by osmosis with your ass holeery. And I do not like you to talk. Well like you, John, I don't understand it and I don't want to understand it and this could not come at a worse time because I have the Olympics to concentrate on John. Yes. I cannot afford my brain to be distracted for a second by the lingering suspicion that our entire society is based on greed, field, financial trickery and economic loss on a mathematically unfathomable scale. I just cannot afford to take that on board, John. As long as the system slightly works, I will take it. I will take it.

E-Mails have emerged of bankers and traders working together to manipulate the Leibor rate. Once I've emailed from a senior trader in New New York read, hi guys, we've got a big position in 3M Leibor for the next three days. Can we please keep the Leibor fixing at 5.39 for the next few days? It would really help. We do not want it to fix any higher than that. TKS a lot. TKS Andy. Not even thanks. They couldn't even be bothered to type the extra three fucking letters that would complete that word accurately. Then you can't even type out the word thanks in full to show gratitude to someone who is illegally helping you to manipulate the world's markets to your own greedy ends. And they are CNTS, all of them. Total CNTS is, but which

I mean, they are f**king sandy. I'm going to take the time to say that word in full, because frankly, they are worth it. Leibor remains a widely used benchmark. And the mark on that bench is the imprint from where the banking world waxed the real world on the arse with that bench. So hard that the outline of its buttocks can be seen from space. Ha ha ha. Bugal feature section now and a limpa geton. John, as we record, it is two weeks today until the opening ceremony. I can't wait.

Of the Olympics. I can't wait that long, Andy. Well, we need this. We need the Olympics sooner than that. Of course, well, you know, that is definitely, Leibor scandal, another massacre in Syria. We need the Olympics to take us by the hand, and necessitise us, and ask us to count down from 10

until we slip into the blissful dream state of sport. And things are really hotting up, John, with just two weeks to go. If there's one thing, you associate with the Olympic Games. Well, it would have to be missiles on roofs, speculatively hoping to shoot down enemy aircraft over built-up areas. Whilst thousands of highly trained soldiers rifle through people's handbags

to make sure they're not carrying the wrong make of water, whilst thinking, well, it's not what I'd train for, but I guess it's more fun than the battle of passion dial. And London is delivering on most dreams, John, and delivering hard. It's this week. It turned out that security firm responsible for a lot of the security at the Olympics did not have enough people to be at all secure.

But I see one of the pro-affirmes contracted to stop a song of Ben Laden trying to enter the modern pentathlon from beyond the grave, admitted they hadn't trained enough staff for the job at hand, and they admitted this John with two and a bit weeks to go until the Olympics. Yeah. Fair play, you've got a peak for the Olympics, hand. And they admitted this, John, with two and a bit weeks to go until the Olympics. Yeah. Fair play. You've got a peak for the Olympics, John. You cannot let these things out too early. And so the military is being drafted in.

And the reaction, as you would expect, has been phenomenal here, John. There are simply equal number of people in this country, desperate for the Olympics to go well, and desperate for it to go as badly as possible to prove how great or useless Britain is as a nation because they love sports or hate other people enjoying themselves. We are an odd country, John, an odd country. This Olympic volcano rumbling to a crescendo and beneath the surface there are rival magma

chambers of enthusiasm and cynicism waiting to erupt. It's a, as you alluded to as well, there has also been the official go ahead now to place high-velocity missile launches on the top of residential towel-blocked in London to shoot down any potential terrorist aircraft, or, if not terrorist aircraft, then at least any rogue skits that have been missed by Olympic shooters. That really would be phenomenal Andy. If an Olympic rifleman yelled pull a kite pigeon shot across the sky and a service-aware missile suddenly flew across the arena and blew it apart. So for the Olympics, I'm very excited news on this 200th episode. I will be doing, hopefully, daily micro-bugles from London that will go out on the bugle podcast feed with all the latest lies and misinformation about the world's biggest sporting event.

So do tune in for them. Sport, it's going to be an overload of sports. And I've got a lot of tickets to stuff. A lot of tickets to stuff. So I'm hoping to be able to give the full picture of quite how great Olympic sport is. And the discomfort of spending two hours queuing up to have an extra of my balls taken.

LAUGHTER But we're not just defending ourselves from thieves and terrorists, Andy. We're also trying to defend ourselves against our own weather, because as buglers might know, England is no stranger to rain. We are O-Fay with the concept of the water droplet and all its close friends. Now many of the venues are not fully covered, even the main Olympic stadium, is only two thirds covered by a roof. And in fact, three years ago, London Mayor Boris Johnson,

I'd queried that saying, I've yet to see a very convincing explanation of what happens if it rains heavily on the night of the opening ceremony. Well, I tell you what you do, Andy, you shoot the rain with the high velocity missiles that we've got on the roofs of our surrounding tower blocks. You send a fucking message to the weather.

Orders are being placed for thousands of ponchos so that spectators queuing to get through security checks get to remain dry. And I mean, it's the classic British poncho, Andy. I believe in fact, the plastic poncho was invented by Henry VIII, who used to issue them to the first three roads of anyone in the audience who'd come to see

one of his wives beheaded. I believe that was the first use of the term splash seats. Ah! Ha! What was the second use of that term? Ha! I think it was SeaWorld, it was 100 and 100 years later. Ha!

Or it was the comedian Gallagher smashing watermelons with a hammer. We've all been there. Some latest injuries news from Team GB as they build up to the big games. GB TripleJump, Hope Phillips, Ado, who set to compete in the TripleJump after a covering from 0.0 1% burns to his right middle and index fingers, triple jumping is hand into a bowl of hot broccoli, welcome snails egg soup. Cyclists are Chris Hoy should be fit for the games, despite suffering a slight coat hanger in the eye trying to find out what it would be like to be a shirt. Long jump spring master Chris Tomlinson, look, set to take parts after being reassured that the Olympic long jump hit is not a voodoo desert. Tomlinson said

at a press conference yesterday, they've been a load of rumours on the internet and I know Seb Co is big into the occult of seeing his masks and capes. So I'd hate to be responsible for the entire nation of Chad being squished if I nail an 8m30-plus leap in the final. And also Zara Phillips' horse, High Kingdom, is rated 97-3 to be fit for the equestrian event. After copying a hoof in the snout from teammate Christina Cook's horsey minus frolic during a Travolta-inspired rehearsal of Team GB's Night Fever routine for the dressage event. Bugal news now and well I think we mentioned a while ago that we would be launching bugle merchandise and a new

voluntary subscription system for the bugle in this episode. Well that is not happening, that will now be happening either next week or the week after, or the week after that depending on how many more technical fucking glitches we have with it. So it's not happening but but it will be soon, bugleers, not only the merchandise, but a new voluntary subscription system. We're gonna try and keep this podcast free for all seven billion currents and future bugleers.

And you've been very generous so far in helping us keep going thus far. So we're setting up basically a voluntary subsystem so you can basically pay if you want to pay for the bugle. If the bugle is worth anything to you, then you can pay anything between one cent a month and one billion dollars a month. It is entirely up to you. That system will be up within a couple of weeks and then we'll see how that pans out for the long-term future of the bugle in its third century.

Your emails now and thanks once again for your emails. This one came in from Louis Strong, who writes, dear Andy John and Chris in order of how easy it would be to draw a recognisable cartoon of you. I guess I have an easily lampoonable head. The last few times I've seen Andy doing live stand-up, I've noticed how weird it is hearing him say f**k and f**k unbleaped. I almost wanted Chris to be at the side of the stage doing live bleeping. I posted this on the Bugle Facebook group and Mark Walser just said I'd bring an air horn to

sense of the f**k and f**k myself. So be warned, Andy. It might be today, it might be tomorrow. Might be in months or years, but the next time I see your gig, you're getting air horned. All the best, Louis Strong. Well, that's probably a good way to go actually Do you think I'll put you off you stride possibly we could have done with a few air horns in that gig in Lither I think it might have killed off some of the audience And this one comes in from Beth in Cambridge and she says that is the proper Cambridge

Not the craft brand imitation Cambridge seem to like so much across the pond. And you still not being clear which Cambridge it is. And Beth has written us some high coups for our 200th birthday, 20 of them, one for every 10 episodes and we've selected not all 20 of them. But here we are, is a poetic tribute to the Bugle on its 200th. Bugle 200. A large feast of pure bullshit.

Are dreams in your hands. Or Bugle's mast hails out all the merciless, and flee from his wrath. Or flee from his gigs, as some of the old people did with the legends and hands. Voice of an angel with a love of 80s hits, J. Dog, The Diva. My favorite is the American, rides jet skis and eats eagles because salad is weak.

Ha ha ha. Cricket bats of oil, just as useful as milk jugs for those who have time. cricket bats of oil, just as useful as milk jugs for those who have time. And f*** you, Liggy, coined by Master Oliver, best word in language. I think that does look set to be your legacy to the planet, Joe. And I'll take your life's works. Look, that's it was a, it was a bigger footprint than I was ever hoping to leave.

And amongst the immanence, but not quite as immanent as we'd hoped, bugle merchandise, there will be a f*** you legit mug. Yeah. Which I imagine will be the biggest selling single item of stuff in the entire world this year. It is a conversation starter and stopper. You'll find out exactly where you are with people Join the Q-Pull join the Q

So thanks for your emails do keep them coming into info at the bugle podcast dot com and Also you can check us out on SoundCloud as we head into our third century of bugles on SoundCloud.com slash the hyphen bugle. You did. I've absolutely nailed that. And you can follow the bugle twitter feed on at Hello Bugleers and when time allows I'll be doing live Olympics comment tricks on that. So that's about it for this week's Bugle thanks for your company in the first

200s and we trust you'll be joining us for the next 200,000 Bugleers and we will we'll play your house with another telegram that has just come in a very moving telegram from the director of London's Florence Nightingale Museum. Dear bugle, on the occasion of your 200th anniversary episode, I would like to officially register my disgust at the continuing existence of your extremely lowbrow organ, whose only discernible effect on the world has been to transform this museum from a shrine

to one of the great medical pioneers of history into a meeting place for the historically lascivious to stare disconcertingly, longingly at old portraits and 150 year old uniforms, have some f***ing respect for a national icon, regardless Dr. EM's not a ridge. Well national icon Regardless, Doctor EM Snutteridge. Well in response to Stocker Snutteridge. Oh Yeah, oh yeah She started it with that damn lamp making those goddamn big old shadows. Oh, yeah See you in bugle 201 Buglands!

Goodbye! Bye! Don't... ...quit me. Don't! F*** with me! Don't! F*** with me!