The Bugle - Trump's at it Again & Secret Wedding of the Century!

Episode Date: July 15, 2026

On issue 4385 of The Bugle, Andy is joined by Nish Kumar and Josh Gondelman, as the trio catch on this week's news as the USA celebrated their 250th birthday, we also delve into the ongoing chaos in Iran. The three imagine what the most secretive wedding of the year was like after Taylor Swift tied the knot with Travis Kelce. PLUS UK news, we catch up on the Farage facade following his resignation and subsequent bi-election and the World Cup ahead of England's semi-final clash! All this in issue 4385 of The Bugle. 🇺🇸: A look back into USA 250th Birthday celebrations 🇬🇧 Farage Facade: The Bugle catch up on chaos of Nigel Farage and his Reform party 🏆 World Cup update: Andy, Nish and Josh discuss the upcoming semifinal as England take on old foe Argentina Donate to Emilia: https://www.crowdfunder.co.uk/p/a-safe-accessible-home-for-emiliaAndy's Links: https://www.andyzaltzman.co.uk/Nish Kumar's Links: https://www.nishkumar.co.uk/Josh Gondelman's Links: https://www.joshgondelman.com/🎧 Support The Bugle! Become a Team Bugle subscriber for bonus episodes, exclusive video editions, and the righteous satisfaction of funding satire:http://thebuglepodcast.com📺 Watch Realms Unknown on YouTubeProduced by Chris Skinner, Laura Turner and Harry Gordon. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Hello, buglers, and welcome to issue 4,385 of the Lancet medical... Sorry, the celebrity exorcism, sorry, history smithery, why everything in the past was shit. Sorry, of the bugle. I'm a busy guy, I get confused. I've got my snouts with the grindstone. And if there are two things I know, one, content is literally in my DNA, and two, language is meaningless. I'm Andy Zaltzman, here in the ever-toastful shed of phantasmagoricness. and it is Monday the 13th of July 2020.

Let's build up the suspense a bit. Six. There's some of you thought it was next year already, didn't you? Anyway, I'm joined by two people who despite both having shh-sh in their names just won't shut up, which is good news for this show. It's Nish Kumar and Josh Gondelman.

Hello, both of you. Hello, Andy. Hello, Josh. Hello, buglers. There was a stunning moment there. I don't know whether this was just me. Maybe Josh could confirm this, where you just said, I'm joined today by two people. And then he sort of left a pause and I thought, is that the end of the intro?

And I'm joined today by two people. And then what he said after was somehow more hurtful and more accurate. Josh, just to give you a little update, Andy and I don't live very far apart in London. And the technical term for what is going on here is it is absolutely fucking hot as a c. We are being slow roasted in this country at the moment. And listen, I understand that this is a result of climate change and this is something that we're going to have to accept. Extreme weather is something that we're going to have to accept.

We could do something about it, but this is probably a convenient moment for me to announce that I'm now sponsored by Shell Oil. So I'm afraid to say that as part of the terms of my contract, there's actually nothing we could do about it, get ready to cook, you fucking plebs. But in the sort of short term, this is a really important public service announcement that I'd like to begin this podcast with in lieu of giving any updates about my life.

I just want to say, and I'm sure there's a better way of phrasing this, but you have to cream the whites, okay? It is incredibly sunny, and I am seeing a worrying amount of uncreemed whites on the streets. I'm sure there's a better way for me to phrase this, but the amount of lobster pink exposed flesh I am seeing is knocking me sick on a day-to-day basis. Andy knows this has been my catchphrase because I've been shouting it on Tuesday football,

but you have to cream the whites. My partner is a white. I cream her every day. Yes, I should phrase that differently. The whites must stop going around uncreamed, okay? I put sun cream on, I quite literally have melanin, aka nature's sun cream.

But even I am double creaming. You have to cream the water. If there's one message that the listenership to this podcast ever takes from anything I've ever said, is you have to cream the whites. And I will be selling t-shirts with that label on at my upcoming. I think that's a beautiful public service. It adds us,

although I did think, I wasn't sure if that was some kind of, um, specific international world cup rivalry. We're like, we have to cream the whites. And then there's like a hand gesture that goes with it. And then a subsequent chant. No, in terms of certainly in terms of home soccer kits, Josh, we are the whites.

So we'd be creaming ourselves, which is something I'll be doing after this podcast and isn't related to the stuff about the sun. We are recording on the 13th of July, 26th, 13th of July's International Rock Day, apparently. Not rock music, but rock, physical rocks. It marks the invention of the rock on the 13th of July 4,30 million BC. It's apparently when rocks, the first rock was from then. And to mark international rock there, we have some free rock sounds for you, buglers. Here is someone chiseling a rock.

Now a rock falling into a pond. And finally, a rock ironically stuck between a rock and a hard place. there you go those are your rock sounds and our section in the bin today tomorrow the 14th of july is world shark awareness day um i don't know if you if you guys are celebrating this in in any way i know i mean there's not too many sharks in in in briskstone or new york i don't think at the moment are there there've been some dolphin sightings recently in the rockaways out in Queens at the beach, which is, and a dolphin to me is just kind of like, it's like a shark that evolved to be friendly.

Right. Woke shark, basically. Woke shark, that's right. Hey, hey, I'll thank you both to not be quoting my wrestling name. Anyway, to Mark Shark Awareness Day, we have a shark guide for you, buglers, including how to tell the difference between a dangerous shark and a safe shark. usually comes down to the noise they're making with their sharks sonars,

the dangerous ones generally go, do-do, do-do, do-do, not something along those lines. We tell you what to do if you think your pet fish might be growing into a great white shark. The clues are that it starts looking a bit more sinister, that it starts agitating for trips to the seaside, and it grows beyond 10 feet in length.

And we have some shark facts for you. Sharks have been around since before. You and I were born. In fact, they predate humans by millions and millions of years. part of the shark human rivalry, in fact, stems from the shark eyeing jealousy that we got off our fishy arses and evolved, whereas they were content to be big fishes in a fucking enormous pond. The average shark, if there is such a thing, they're all special in their own special way, has more teeth than there are keys on a piano, but you wouldn't catch Daniel Barron Boyne playing one.

He's too smart for that. And also, remember that whilst sharks are dangerous, more sharks are eaten by humans every year than the other way around. It just doesn't make the news in the same way. And also remember the sharks should only be. used as a mode of transport as an absolute last resort, not just because it looks like a fun challenge. Anyway, those are your shark facts in your shark section in the bin. Top story this week. Well, let's catch up on the last few weeks.

That's our top story. We've been off for the last couple of weeks in which quite a few things have happened, including Josh, America turning 250 and beginning its second quarter of a millennium of existence. Have you calmed down yet from the 250th birthday celebrations? Yeah, it is, you know, I was really in a state of ecstatic, nearly religious frenzy because the occasion was marked by a concert by Vanilla Ice, the only artist who didn't cancel on Trump's 250th birthday party, which is how old he looks, but this is for the nation,

because not a single person had invited Vanilla Ice to do anything else for July 4th. Although the rapper's appearance was presumably exciting because I, a 41-year-old man, just woke up from a 33-year coma. So I was like, oh, man, I'm seeing the hottest guy in the game. It's been like a weird, it was a weird time. I've never felt less festive on the 4th of July. Like it was the 250th birthday of America. And much like the sentiment that got me kicked out of one giant tortoises 250th birthday party,

I think it's time to wrap things up. I just don't like that there are amphibians who are older than the Empire State Building. It's like a tough time, right? I think like there is a lot of wrestling going on with like what America means. And a recent Gallup poll shows that a majority of Americans think that the signers of the Declaration of Independence would be disappointed with the current state of the U.S. And I've got to imagine that that number is not only a majority, but it's close to 100 percent because People on the left think that the founders would be frustrated that the imperfect but idealistic set of principles that guided the nation's founding have never been realized fully. And the people on the right think that those same men would be furious at how many genders and races are now allowed to vote.

They're presumably frustrated by the total lack of slavery. Like I'm trying to assume there's a couple of them that would be upset about that. They're like, oh, it's just people in prison? Wow. That is not enough slavery. Well, look, to most, I'm not sure that disappointed would really cover the scope of what the founding daddy's fathers would be thinking. I've got an AI founding father simulator, according to which James Mad Dog Madison, the celebrity constitution drafting was would be, and I quote, shitting literal watermelons at the state of the USA at the court. of a millennium mark.

George Washington, renowned wrestler, of course, would, quote, grab Trump in a triangle chokehold and threatened to execute his trademark pump-handle pile driver move on the renowned bankrupt and sex offender. And what would Thomas T.J. Jazzy Jefferson

declaration of independent superstar think, 250 years on from his famous breakup text of the UK, while according to my AI founding father simulator, Jefferson would, quote, screw up the declaration of independence and feed it to a bison, saying, I admit, I was very, very wrong about this, then wait for the Bison's digestive system to do what Bison digestive system so often do,

and then smear the post-Byson-ass remnants of the Declaration of Independence all over Donald Trump's golf buggy whilst adding your mess, you fucking deal with it. So I think just being disappointed doesn't quite cover it. Well, listen, let me be the first to say, Happy birthday to you. Happy birthday to you. Do I appreciate the irony of singing a song, written by Stevie Wonder about Martin Luther King Jr.

Who was assassinated by a white supremacist. Yes, I do. Ooh, yeah. Yes, I do. Ooh, yeah. Listen, America is 250 years old. Or to report things more accurately, 250 years ago, some people stole a country.

I think that does somewhat get lost in the shuffle of all of this. There's quite a lot of polling done about how... They stole it from Britainish. That's what happened. I would say it was double stolen. It's a double stolen. It's a double stale. It went first to third.

I'm fascinated to know what the Indigenous American community make of what I assume they only view as that day in July when things started to go south for us. But it is a fascinating thing because in many ways the Declaration of Independence is the ultimate formalization of squatters rights by a group of people. Yeah, it's a pretty difficult point in American history to be considering the 250th. But in many ways, you know, I'm sure the founding fathers would at least, at the very least, be comforted in the thought that an incredibly privileged old racist is still in charge. The divisions in America now, Josh, as a celebration, it was quite awkward. And you look at the polls on national pride, which is a curious and contradictory, multi-snouted beast at the best of times. It's not sort of universally spilt.

It's quite partisan in terms of split of current state of, which is understandable, given that the president of America is the Grand Duke of Division and the most and least American and American history. So it's essentially been like a giant, awkward family Christmas, but in which your family has 350 million people in it. and instead of a turkey, Uncle Brian bought a shipping container of poisonous snakes and then released it into the living room. So it's not been the most harmonious of get-togethers. Yeah, I think if there's one thing, one moment that encapsulates the whole experience,

the Independence Day celebration that the National State Fair or whatever term called it, was interrupted by an extreme weather warning, enforcing many of the people that were in attendance. it's mostly Trump supporters to seek shelter in Smithsonian institutions, including, this is accurate, the National Museum of African American History, or, as Trump supporters call it, the museum of, well, that's one side of the story. And it's like, thank goodness. You nodded to this earlier, and I want to hammer it home. Thank goodness that even as the stock market continues to fluctuate and the economy at large

is floundering, we continue to produce massive reserves. of our now chief American export, pure uncut irony. I do also think that as much as it wasn't ideal that everybody cancelled on Trump's America 250 concert, there is something very apt about certain strain of American life. Listen, I think I've talked about this on the Google before, but watching Bruce Springsteen in L.A. earlier this year was a sort of, it was quite a transcendent experience,

and it did feel like Springsteen is in many ways the incarnation of the best values of America as a country. However, there is something apt about the only person, the most famous person performing, being vanilla rice. There is something intrinsically American about a white man standing there doing something he stole from a black guy. And, like, he didn't credit Queen and David Bowie for that sample. He stole from white people, too.

So that is, like, a very Trump thing. It's like, this guy's stealing your cross races, but specifically in a racist way, phrase. Listen, you can't help but feel it's the 250th celebration of America is a case of the game of Pass the Parcel stopping on the shittest kid. Trump being president, it feels like the most privileged, spoiled brat has managed to be in charge of the parcel when the music stopped. Well, I mean, as we enter the second 250 years of American history,

appropriately enough. That's optimistic. it's optimistic on I don't know if it's optimistic pessimistic both yeah that's true it can be pessimistic it's ambitious um

appropriately enough it's stuck in an on-off war that was completely and utterly avoidable the Iran war is it on is it off who's losing most who's making a tidy

little bit of sweet dirty coin on the side can a war truly end if it didn't truly start all these questions are up in the air but there's this kind of weird state at the moment where the ceasefire seems to have ended. Now, in terms of level of surprise

that a ceasefire broken by A, Trump and B, Iran did not presage a golden age of harmony and mutual cooperation. I would put that on a level with a level of surprise you would feel at the news that there's a new Marvel film

coming out soon, or that someone somewhere had just been insulted on social media, or that renowned vegan Billy Elish, choosing from two options on the set lunch menu, went for the turnip and mushroom pie rather than the white rhinoceros carpaccio.

It's just what you would expect. Really. But there's now a dispute. How do you know who Billy Eilish is? I've got... Who told you about Billy Eilish? I have children,ish. I mean... The Z in Gen Z actually stands for results, man.

It does, yeah, yeah. God, Gen Z is weirdly obsessed with cricket. And so occasionally my kids, you know, I did try to train them up to mostly like music from before I was born. But they will occasionally say something like you've never heard of Billy Elish, have you? Well, now I have. So anyway, the Iran War is neither back on nor completely off. The ceasefire is basically off. The USA says the Straits of Hormuz are open. Iran says they're closed. The violence has basically broken out again.

And it's pretty much, as you would have expected, when the ceasefire began. Nish, I know you're a huge fan of international shipping routes. I mean, the Hormuz has kept being wildly entertained over the last few months. Yeah. So Trump did declare a ceasefire, but he... It seems to have been, you know, like when I buy a birthday present for myself. That appears to be the nature of this ceasefire. Trump essentially gifted himself a present,

but the problem is what he gifted himself involves the cooperation of a country that he's been bombing for the last few months. So the US is insisting that the straight of all moves is open. As we've all found out, a very, very crucial part of the shipping route that's part of the supply chain of the global oil supply, right? To be fair, to be fair, that wasn't, no one knew that until a few months ago. No one had ever even heard of it until then, niche. No, people thought that ships were teleporting. They thought it was like the sort of Bermuda Triangle, but instead of ships disappearing,

it was actually sort of expediting the transition process. So now, in the last couple of weeks, the US has now claimed that it struck 140 targets across Iran, and they claimed that that was in retaliation to Iranian forces hitting a ship that was passing. through the strait. The Iranians have said that the reason that that ship was attacked was that it was using an unapproved route. Now, it's hard to know where to start with all of this, but I think what we can agree is this is one shit fucking ceasefire. This is one of the shittest ceasefires in human history. This is like referring to the period between 1939 and 1945 as the second world ceasefire. It does not. If it looks like a war, it sounds like a war,

and stuff is blowing up, it tends to be a war. That's the sort of important. That's the kind of expertise you can only get when you've done half a degree in history that you are only a quarter paying attention to between the years 2004 and 2007. So these 140 military targets have been here and the US Secretary of Defense Pete Hegseth announced this

and said Iran made a poor choice. Now they pay. Here's the problem with that. They don't pay, do they, Peter? fucking pay because of the massive increases in the prices of groceries that is being exacerbated by your stupid fucking war, you absolute moron. One of the things that the US government claimed it had achieved with all of this is in the killing of the previous Ayatollah, they now welcomed what they believed was going to

be a potentially more moderate Ayatollah. Now listen, it turns out that that moderate Ayatollah may not have been as moderate as he was initially claimed to be. So this week, the Hamshari, which is a conservative newspaper, published by the authorities in Tehran, has basically published a list of revenge targets that Iran will now be aiming its fury at. Now, I will say, call me a square or call me woke shark, if you must. But I would say that anyone publishing a list of revenge targets may not be the most moderate person in human history. So apparently Ham Shari is a conservative newspaper, which is known for publishing inflammatory things.

Now, that's according to the Daily Telegraph, which for the benefit of non-British listeners is like the pot, calling the kettle an unprintable slur. The people included in the revenge list, obviously the two most important ones. So they have actually published a picture with all of them photoshopped in orange jumpsuits. And the two people at the top are Benjamin Netanyahu and Donald Trump. There are other leaders, including George Maloney, Emmanuel Macron. and also, and I did look at the bottom of this, Kia Starma. Now, listen,

I've been pretty critical of Keir Starma on this podcast, but I will say, leave the poor shit alone. What on earth has he done to you? Part of the issue with Keir Starver in this country is that he's done absolutely fucking nothing. And it's just like that man's luck that he would do absolutely nothing and still end up on a shit list by the Iranian government.

I mean, he's also basically about to be out of a job in the span of the next sort of week and a half. So while you're adding Keistarma to that list, why not go the whole hog and throw Gordon Brown, Harold Wilson and pit the elder on there? Yeah, you'd think that the one benefit of losing the confidence of your own party, the public, having to resign from your position in disgrace is that it would bump you off of other countries revengel. You're just a guy now. Also in America, Josh, curious goings on with Mitch McConnell, who, as we report, is reportedly still alive. There's a kind of weird 1980 Soviet Politburo nostalgia vibes

about the sort of American administration and politics at the moment. I know you and Mitch exchange messages on an almost daily basis. What's he told you? Well, we have a daily 20-minute phone call on the books, and that's been maintained. But until late Sunday afternoon, Kentucky Senator Mitch McConnell had not been heard from in weeks. He was admitted to a hospital on June 14th and has not been seen in public since. And he has been, as you alluded to, Andy, suspiciously quiet on our fantasy baseball group chat. Normally, pitch McConnell, as he's known to me and the voice, a lot of shit.

The rumors that McConnell has already died and that people around him are keeping it quiet to avoid triggering a special election for his Senate seat. And speculation about his possible death has gone on for so long that another senator, more than 10 years his junior, has died of natural causes since that speculation has started. Lindsay Graham died from complications of hardened arteries and a Republican senator dying from a hard heart made Alanis Morris that wake up from a dead sleep. We begin work feverishly on her newest hit, ironic part two. On Sunday, McConnell continued to not be heard from, although his office released a statement that his hospitalization resulted from a fall and that he then contracted pneumonia while he was recovering. The statement was accompanied by a photo of McConnell.

Eyes as numb as his conscience has been for years, holding the newspaper, which does prove that at the time of that photo, McConnell's body had not been cremated eaten by a bear or black. lasted into space, but not that it was alive at the time. This is the thing that really... It wasn't a video. He's just holding, like a newspaper just placed in his hand. He's not holding it up even.

David's just like, you see the picture. That happened. This is the thing that gets me the most. And I'm truly furious about this. Because words mean things. People are calling this a weekend at Bernie's situation. And that kind of reckless, disrespectful analogy is so cavalier. and dismissive of Larry and Richard,

the two characters who found Bernie dead and worked so, so hard. People think he was still alive. They move him around like a puppet. According to Wikipedia, they let a drunk lady have sex with his corpse. In the second movie, they play music and make him dance

after a victim of some kind of curse. Probably racist. Not going to rewatch that one. People trying to convince us that Mitch McConnell is still walking among us won't even learn Photoshop credibly. They're not impersonating his voice on the phone. Justice for Andrew McCarthy and Jonathan Silverman.

Just sweet those guys is all I have to say. Yes, the fact that Lindsay Graham, who was a huge enthusiast of the natural world, and if people want more information on that, I would strongly advise you, Google the phrase, Lindsay Graham and Ladybugs, just in case you're interested in further information about that. But Lindsay Graham, I would say the thing about, it does suggest that there was an administrative error in the Grimry. office. It does suggest that the Grimbriefer has come back to his office with Lindsay Graham and had a very confused secretary say, are you fucking kidding me? How has this happened again? And I mean, the problem with Mitch McConnell, there's a sort of two-fold problem for the Republican

Party with Mitch McConnell. So one, there's this idea of a special election. And at the moment, I think the last thing the Republicans want is any opportunity to find out what the American people think about them. But there is a sort of even more short-term problem. So Mitch McConnell chairs the Senate Appropriations Defense Subcommittee, which is a panel that controls Pentagon spending. And that's the key panel as part of President Trump's uphill push for a huge 1.5 trillion defense spending package to go through. And without McConnell there chairing that panel, it means that they can't move forward on any of this without the support of Democratic lawmakers, which they absolutely don't have.

So basically they need McCott. So what I'm saying is Eddie Murphy is about to get the phone call of his life from the RNC who are about to ask him about whether he might be interested in coming back for what they're already describing as white norbit. This is going to be Murphy's most controversial performance today, but he's going to have full white-faced, nutty professor slash Norvitt style makeup and be turning up as Mitch McConnell to try and get this defense package through. I'll tell you what people, I mean, look, I'm, I'm a people might call me a Lib Cuck living in

the New York, New York communist city. But I, yesterday morning, my wife rolled over in bed and she said, I'm going to go back to sleep and I was already awake and just jubilation running through my veins and I said, oh, before you go back to sleep, Lindsay Graham died and she went, yeah. And then last night, I mentioned on stage at the comedy cellar that the vibes in New York City have been generally very good. And that was even before Lindsay Graham died. Biggest applause of my entire set at the end of sentence one. Also in in in in New York since we were last last talking to you Buglers the well the wedding of the millennium so far at

of all places Madison Square Gardens who says romance is dead Taylor Swift the the pop star and American footballer Travis Kelsey chose the most romantic possible venue for their their wedding I mean, there's 20,000 capacity at Madison Square Gardens. I think they only sold a thousand tickets, but, you know, if they'd filled it. Whoa, whoa, whoa, Andy, let he who is without sin. Let he who is without sin.

We have all, at some point in our lives, overestimated our appeal in a specific place. For Taylor Swift and Travis Kelsey is Madison Square Gardens. For me, it's the King's Hall in Blackburn in 2022. a gig to which incredibly tickets are still available in spite of the fact that it happened four years ago. I mean, I think in terms of proportional capacity, about a thousand people in a 20,000 capacity venue,

that puts the swift Kelsey marriage very much in line with my debut Edinburgh show, also featuring John Oliver. And the capacity was, I believe, 56 on that occasion. But it's been proportionate about this one. But look, if you've got 20,000 people coming to your wedding, I mean, the meet and greet line would have been a complete. Even if you only give people 30 seconds each,

that is an unbroken week of small talk with no P-breaks. That is not what you went on your special day. Josh, I didn't see the full guest list. Were you amongst the celebrity invitees or not? I was not. And the celebrity invitation coverage was really big, right? They had entertainment journalists camped out taking pictures. It was Bradley Cooper was there and Eric Stone Street from Modern Family.

Stevie Nix and Paul McCartney both performed. We know that, right? We don't know a lot. We know Adam Sandler served as the officiant. Attendees had to sign pretty strict NDAs, which I know were effective because I personally know half a dozen people who are at that wedding. And not a single one of them will answer my text asking if Sandler did the voice in his remarks. He's like, ooh, a terrorist whiffed. Congratulations.

Did he do the voice? It's all I want to know. I see you have decided to get married. I mean, it does put a lot of pressure on, you know, we know how celebrities influence culture, but it's a lot of pressure on, well, just ordinary couples getting married. How can you say you love me when we're only getting married

in a 2,000-seat theater, not a 20,000-seat arena? That's a huge. And, you know, and we also know how competitive celebrities are to be bigger and flashier than their peers. And is this the future of wedding? Well, you know, what celebrity sport-pop crossover couples will be getting married next and where? I mean, tennis star Arena Sabalanka

and aforementioned rock legend Bruce Springsteen getting hitched in the Coliseum in Rome? You can't ruin it out. Perhaps it will be former England opening batsman, Dennis Amos, and Sabrina Carpenter at the Maricanari in the order to the world. Or even tennis star Carlos Alcaraz in the 1960s popstress Lulu

during the mid-session interval of next year's World Snooker Final at the Crucible in Sheffield. We just don't know where it'll end. Well, you don't even know what happened at this wedding, which is so intriguing because anything could sound possible, right? Once I hear Stevie Nix performed, Adam Sandler officiated, my mind just goes wild with what could have happened. Like if you told me Kansas City Chief's quarterback, Patrick Mahomes,

spent an hour running back and forth across the room with Wallace Sean on his shoulders, sure, I believe that. Ariana Grande and Cynthia. Urivo emerged from a cocktail sauce fountain in the middle of the raw bar to perform defying gravity. Yeah, maybe. Mitch McConnell was there, but he was snuck in through a series of tunnels beneath Penn Station, so no one would see him.

That could have happened, and that would have been a weekend at Bernie's scenario. UK update news now, and, well, in the two weeks since we were last with you, Britain has got even closer to having its seventh prime minister in just over 10 years. By this time next week, Andy Burnham could be basically prime minister or certainly leader of the Labour Party. Yeah, by this time next week or sooner if you're listening to this later than we're recording it, which you most definitely are. Also, Nigel Farage, the man who would like to be the eighth prime minister in not very long, resigned as an MP in order to stand against a void of an echo of himself. in a by-election.

One of the weirdest little stories in British politics, Nish, how Farage stepped down as an MP in order to fight a by-election as a sort of anti-establishment candidate, at which point all the other parties said, well, we're not going to stand in your stupid by-election. And he's now standing against Count Binface, who's a comedian with a bin on his head. And Count Binfaces, according to the bookmaker's odds,

four to one to win that by-election. That's like a 20% chance that he could lose to a man with a bin on his head. Other candidates include Lawrence Fox, the failed gobshite, and various local residents as well. I know Nish, you and Farage, have been close personal friends

for many, many decades. It's a, in a weird career, another weird twist. Yes. So, listen, for non-British-based buglers, or more realistically, for non-British-based buglers and British-based buglers who haven't paid this story one bit of attention because there's a football world cup on,

here's the background to what's going on. Nigel Fras has previously managed to avoid any kind of scandal whatsoever, in spite of various scandal-adjacent things that he's done. He's very furious about this because he's been very much a foreigner to consequence. And he's doubly furious because the one thing he hates more than consequence is foreigners. So the back story here is that a couple of weeks ago, there was a newspaper story that he received a five million pound gift. I think that has been discussed on the bugle from the Thai-based cryptocurrency,

a Thailand-based cryptocurrency billionaire called Christopher Harbourn, right? So now there was already an investigation into that amount of money because it was received within the year of him becoming a member of parliament and it wasn't disclosed as a donation. And if you're within the year of becoming a member of parliament, you have to disclose every bit of money that's gone into your bank account. So now initially it was claimed that that was a gift, then it's also been claimed that that was part of his security.

The reasoning for that has not really been clear. So Farage's kind of been in hiding for the last few weeks. So we still don't know what the answer is. We don't know what the outcome of this is going to be, right? So then on top of that, it turns out that the Sunday Times in the UK has been running a story about the fact that Farage, on top of all of this money, said that Nigel Farage had been receiving money from a guy called George Cottrell,

who was jailed for eight months in America in 2017 after pleading guilty to a charge of wire fraud, right? And so it's basically we're trying to work out what that financial support was for. So that's the latest story that's blown up. There's then a third story on top of that, that the £5 million gift, which is already under investigation for possibly

in being in violation of parliamentary rules, has now been reported to the National Crime Agency by bankers who are concerned that it's laundered money. So just to be clear, this five million pounds is being considered unethical by the banking industry of the United Kingdom. Now, the reality is we actually don't have all of the information. All of these things are under current investigation. You know, how much money did he get from a convicted fraudster? And what was that money in exchange for?

Where did this five million? Why did he get this five million pounds? Should he have declared it? And on top of that is that five million pounds. laundered money. So there's three separate things that's going on. Now, in the middle of this, Farage has essentially decided to make like me playing football manager on the PC in 2006 and just restart the game. He has got frustrated with the result and has just hit the restart button. So he has called a by-election on himself by quitting. So that's our equivalent of a special election.

And if you're an MP and you quit, you can essentially force a by-election to happen. And then you can choose to stand and run in it. Now, that has happened before in this country, but because he's called the by-election and because all of the other parties have said, this is a ridiculous charade. As you say, Andy, the Labour Party, the Conservative Party, the Green Party and the Liberal Democrats have all withdrawn their candidates. And the main rival emerging to Nigel Farage is Count Binface. Now, I'm pretty sure Count Binface has been discussed on the show before. He is a comedian and he sort of run as a kind of joke candidate in a lot of elections. I think he's also even made an appearance on last week tonight, right? So Count

Binfaces a kind of known figure in British politics. And it is quite an important part of electoral traditions that joke candidates run in these elections, which is why you get sometimes these extraordinary photographs of the Prime Minister of the country winning their seat in the election, but having to do it stood next to a guy dressed as an enormous rabbit who's running for the Carrots for Rabbits Party or some stuff like that. The thing that I do think is funny, and I do think it's worth noting is that there is something deeply funny about the fact that this is not Mr Binface, this is Count Binface. And I might have said this on this podcast before where we've discussed Count Binface,

that there is something deeply British about the fact that even our joke candidates have to be members of the landed gentry. Even our joke candidates have to be. Because when I was a kid, the main joke party was, Andy, you'll remember the Monster Raving Looney Party, right? It was again another joke party and they were literally called the monster raving loony party.

Their leader's name, screaming Lord Such. So again, he was a lord. Even fake candidates have to have some kind of title that qualifies them for the House of Lords. That's how enthrall we are to the class system in the United Kingdom.

Of course, if he does win the by-election, Count Binface, he will have to renounce his title in order to sit in the House of Commons like Tony Ben back in the 17th. So this is the political scenario in which Andy Burnham will become Prime Minister shortly. He's standing unopposed for leadership of the Labour Party and thus will become Prime Minister. No other MP has any support from the Labour MPs.

I think you need a quarter of Labour MPs to support you to stand. No other MP wants to giggle and be asked to do all the logistics and paperwork or fancies being slagged off on a daily basis by the right leaning press and abused on social media 247365. Burnham's up for all that. He'll be our seventh prime minister since June 2016. And just to remind you, I mean, we've done stuff about prime ministerial churn on the bugle at various points recently. There were three prime ministers from 1979 to 2007. And now we're in for our seventh in just over 10 years. We are a very silly country. Joe Root, assuming he plays in the test matches later in the summer, we'll be playing test cricket under a seventh different prime minister for England.

Only two other players have ever done that, Jimmy Anderson, recently retired. I've played under eight prime ministers. And you've got to go back to Wilfred Rhodes, who's test careers band in spanned from 1890 to 1930. And another cricketer, we played under several different prime ministers. That's just to put it in perspective in language that you buglers can understand.

And when I say you buglers, I mean me. Yeah, I was just going to say, no one sat there thinking, okay, Andy, I understand there's been some prime ministerial churn, but can you give it to me through the prism of how many prime ministers, different cricketers, played under.

Well, Nish, if you could see my screen, what I could show you now is a spreadsheet telling you how many prime ministers, everything on England test cricket has played under. That's what sets the bugle apart from all other podcasts. Nobody else has that spreadsheet. That's proprietary Zaltzman information. Andy, Margaret That was prime minister for 11 years.

There's got to be a lot of names on that list that are just one. Yeah, that'll be plenty. And, you know, others do you had long careers. I think Derek Pringle only played under two prime ministers. Probably about a test cricketers head short careers. There's a lot in the 80s and the early 2000s that have got to just be hitting a solid one. Anyway, I'll share the spreadsheet with you afterwards. I can't believe I'm about to say this.

I genuinely, and I understand the sort of pandorica that I'm about to hope by saying this, but I do kind of want to see that. I kind of do. I'm really sorry. I know, I'm sorry to everybody because I know I'm encouraging it. I know I'm encouraging it, but I kind of do want to see the spreadsheet for how many prime ministers do. I sort of want to know how many prime ministers Angus Rays are played under.

I do sort of want to know that information. well he'd be three three yeah he'd be he'd be thatcher that's a major player

yeah 1989 nine to 1998 now anyway look that's that's new there and all there didn't need a

spreadsheet for that now it's devastating that I was able to get that right off the top of my head it's absolutely devastating to me hey do you say

that's neither here nor there I'm going to say that's definitively there I'm going to say I don't know whether this is related, but we've actually just got a message in the chat from producer Harry saying maybe we should wrap up.

Fuck you, Harry. More on the cricket broad minister spreadsheet over coming weeks, and we will have full coverage of answers. Release the files, Osman. Don't you do it? Don't you dare redact Andy Caddick's name. And finally on this week's bugle, World Cup news. Well, it's heading towards the end of the World Cup,

as we mentioned earlier on, the American National Teams campaign came to a spectacular end, whereas England's rolls gloriously on. They've made it into the semifinals through an extremely efficient combination of playing sporadically well for a few seconds at a time and being quite lucky, which is a great combination in top-level football.

But Josh, I know the grief that all of the USA has been feeling over America's failure to win the tournament is probably still a bit raw. But there seems to be a direct causal link between Donald Trump talking about the World Cup for basically the first time since it started

and America's campaign imploding spectacularly at the first available opportunity. I mean, he kept quite low profile for the early weeks of the tournament, presumably because he didn't want to hear what it sounds like to be in a stadium with 60,000 people calling you a...

No criticism, that's understandable. But then he interfered after American forward follower in Balligan was controversially sent off against Bosnia-Herzegovina, upstepped generational blowhard Trump to speak to his toying Skrothlampit Gianni and Fantino, the head of FIFA,

and Balagan's suspension was suspiciously overturned. Everyone howled about the wrongness of it all and the USA, having played well up to that point in the tournament, stunked a place out in getting thoroughly hoarse by previously unimpressive Belgium. But it basically seems, Josh, that anything Trump touches, looks at, talks about, thinks about,

or twerks these days just gets completely ruined instantaneously. Is that a fair assessment? Yeah, I think that's absolutely correct. The U.S. team was immediately humiliated after Trump got involved, much like what happened to most of his own businesses, the New York Knicks in game three of the NBA finals, the United States government, any person who enters into a contract to do work for him, it's across the board.

Belgium embarrassed us so badly. It was like we had challenged them to a competition of waffle-making, or knowing a second fact about Belgium. It was, I was so shocked that Trump went to bat, right? That he used his influence to revoke Balligan suspension. Considering that, that, the U.S. men's national team Fuller and Baligan hadn't even stormed the Capitol on January 6th or appeared in photographs with Jeffrey Epstein, which is normally what it takes for Trump, January, I mean, on your behalf. this uh it's it's tough in a mixed blessing two years from now trump's virulent sexism will likely prevent him from intervening should a similar snafu arise with the u.s women's national

team in the world cup so we've got that to look forward to hopefully i yeah i mean it's there's a lot of layers to this it's a really good lesson that various republican politicians and some Democrats have sort of learned, which is you can't get involved with Donald Trump in any way, shape, or form, because especially when it comes to a lie, because he will not keep up his commitment to secrecy. Because the whole point was that FIFA said, look, there's no lobbying that's taking place. This had nothing to do with the president's call. And then immediately Trump gave a press conference where he said, yeah, yeah, it was absolutely me. I absolutely 100% did it. The other layer that's obviously interesting to this is that following Balagan was

born in Brooklyn, to Nigerian parents who moved to London two months later. Following Balligan is only a US citizen because of the principle of birthright citizenship, which Trump has basically been desperately trying to revoke. And the other thing that's interesting about all of this is that it does seem to have had a detrimental effect on the US men's soccer team. It also seems to have had a galvanising effect. The Belgian football team is sort of, I actually just corrected myself because I was about to say soccer. And I'm afraid to say, had I said soccer, I would have taken the advice of a lot of people

on Twitter and gone back to where I came from. The Belgian football team is at the end of what has been determined as a golden generation of players. It's been a brilliant generation of players. Some Fumer at the very end of their careers, maybe not in prime physical condition, the likes of Kevin de Broinia, Tboi Courtois, and Romello Le Carco. And it did seem to sort of galvanise and energize that team. It galvanised the coach Rudy Garcia to make a couple of really big calls in leaving out Jeremy Docku and the aforementioned DeBroner. And it seemed to galvanise and energize the people that came in. And it also galvanised and energized the whole world who went into that game essentially rooting for Belgium.

And do you know how badly you have to have fucked up to get the world to support Belgium? A country whose colonial record is, and I am summarizing here, bad for whites. Belgium's colonialism is so bad that in the context of white history, it is bad. There are white slave owners who look at Belgium and thought, no, no, we're not that bad. Let's keep this in perspective here. We're bad, but we're not Belgium. It is amazing that that country has managed to galvanize the support of the world because of how badly America had fucked up. For the first time since World War II.

So let's be much to talk about the historical. historical tensions between England and Argentina ahead of their semi-final and both on the football field, Maradonna's naughty goal in the 1986 quarter-finals. So listen to the recent Bugle World Cup sub-episode for exclusive commentary on that goal.

David Beckham's 1998 red card when he got sent off for saving Diego Simeone's life by kicking a poisonous spider off the Argentine field. The tumultuous 1966 quarter final in which Argentina's Captain Antonio Rattin was sent off for looking cross

and asking for an interpreter, which is about as close to a fact as you're going to get on this show. But obviously, you know, there's a lot of rivalry between the country and, you know, a lot of discussion, for example, who would win a rap battle between literary giants, William Shakespeare

and Jorge Luis Borges? Which 1960s pop style would be better at bobsled? England's dusty Springfield or Argentina's Violetta Rivas? Thank you. What's less vegan? Argentinian steak or the British sausage. What's better? The Argentina-based fertile plains,

the Pampas, or English sculptor, Barbara Hepworth. Not really like for like, but anyway, you make the call. And who has the edge? Me, from England, or industrial pits extracting sodium chloride from the rocks of Argentina's foremost mountain range? Andy Zaltzman or Andy's salt mines. You decide. I will say the British sausage charge at the edge on what's has taken.

There's like eight different types of. animal in there. There's like dog and rat and stuff in there. Like it's not even a competition. There's been a lot of conspiracy theories as well around as is inevitable, I guess, given that this is the 21st century and it's happening in America. You know, allegations of refereeing conspiracies are much loved part of the very fabric of football. Barely a century goes past these days without rumours of subterfuginous in plotting,

besmirching the otherwise unimpeachable standing of the beautiful game. Some have suggested that Argentina have been favoured by officials, including in their quarter-final with Switzerland, this after the VAR enhanced sending off of Switzerland's Briel and Bolo after a second yellow card for simulation. Rumors were rife, whilst FIFA Machiavelliying behind the scenes to make sure the Lionel Messi 11 made it through a tricky game, did FIFA secretly implant a special brain-controlling microship in the Swiss striker's brain that made him clatter into an Argentinian opponent miles off the ball for his first yellow card and then take a massive dive for a second. FIFA noble the entire Swiss squad with a mind-altering serum in their breakfast yoghats that make them all forget to jump in the air to stop one of Argentina's shortest players, Alexis McAllister, heading in unmarked from a corner after 10 minutes. Did the shady powers that be, who governed football, covertly infiltrate the Alvarez family in the 2000s in the tiny town of Calchin in Argentina and encourage Jan Julien to concentrate on his football skills, rather than

his schoolwork, thus inculcating in him the ability two decades later to bend a 25-yard shot from out on the left into the far top corner of the goal in a sumptuous lane, stop all parabola to put Argentina 2-1-up an extra time. Who knows? You just can't tell these days, but it goes right to the top. God has been very unfair in that he has bestowed Leonel Messi too much talent. And finally, just a few minor injuries updates ahead of the semifinals. England's John Stones has a mild partial ablation of the frontarial cortex

after getting stuck on a particularly difficult Sudoku during England's Japanese puzzles evening. Argentina's Rodrigo de Paul has a sublateral artisanal understrain of the shoulder muscle after trying to demonstrate a teammate Enzo Fernandez the average width of a park bench. He just overstretched a little. France's midfield general Adrian Rabio should be fit to face Spain despite suffering a partial tomato to the eye,

playing baguette baseball as part of LeBlu's post-match warm down after their victory against Morocco. And Spain themselves will probably not have to be. to do without their winger Alex Bajana, who looks set to be cleared to play after accidentally hypnotising himself playing with a Newton's cradle in an effort to better understand how physics works for when he next kicks at football. Although, Defender Mark Pubel is ruled out as he has to wait in for a delivery of Pokemon cards from eBay.

Some players will be missing, however, including France's former centre ford, Andre Maschino, who sadly died in 1963, so won't be able to add to his two goals against Mexico in the 1930 tournament, whilst a lot of other players are doing podcast these days and can't be asked to play anymore like Gary Lineker. Anyway, we'll have full uptakes on the final stages next week. Well, that brings us the end of this week's bugle. Thank you very much for listening. Josh, anything to plug?

Yes, I have a stand-up special called Positive Reinforcement. It's still available on YouTube. My newsletter, That's Marvelous. It's available. That's Marvelous newsletter. It's got all my upcoming road dates. I'm on the road a ton in the fall. So far, dates for sale include Cambridge, Massachusetts,

and Dallas and Houston, Texas. San Diego, Jamler, Arizona, and I've got Pittsburgh and Cleveland coming up soon, and then more to be out after that. So please come see me on the road. I love when buglers come out, as they often do. And it's a real joy to meet kind of a person gently going, I love you on the bugle. And I'm always like, this really warbs my heart.

And I always try to make sure to tell you. I will be on tour in the autumn, as we call it, in this country, Josh. America, it's the fall of America. Sorry, I'm sorry, I didn't mean you, sorry, I thought you were talking about the season. I didn't realize you were describing the historic epoch that you're talking in. Oh, well, if that's how we're going, I will also be touring in the fall of Britain. From September to December, tickets available at Nishkubar.com.com.com. I've also got a stand-up special on YouTube, Nish Don't Kill My Vibe.

and yeah, tickets available. I'll be touring in the autumn and the collapse. Well, there you go. Thank you very much for listening to Bugles. If you want to join the Bugle voluntary subscription scheme to help keep our show free, flourishing and independent, unable to deluge with the level of bullshit that you've received today, go to the buglepodcast.com and click the donate button.

Until next time, goodbye.